1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:05,280 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the 2 00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:08,400 Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my 3 00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:12,760 Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from 4 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,680 Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a 5 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:20,320 Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I 6 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:23,720 Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along 7 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:27,159 Speaker 1: the way because I did take copious notes. Welcome to 8 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:31,320 Speaker 1: the r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 9 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:49,040 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. One of the most difficult and challenging things 10 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:55,520 Speaker 1: that we all face in life is unlearning what we 11 00:00:55,760 --> 00:01:02,320 Speaker 1: learned as children, whether it relates to how we eat, 12 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:08,840 Speaker 1: what we expect, what we accept, unlearning what we learned 13 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:13,400 Speaker 1: as children, and until we can take a hard look 14 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:22,520 Speaker 1: at that, until we're willing to say or recognize this 15 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:25,160 Speaker 1: is not good for me. I know I've done it 16 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,120 Speaker 1: all my life. I know my mother did it, my 17 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:30,520 Speaker 1: grandmother did it, my grandfather, every the dog, the birds, 18 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:34,240 Speaker 1: the fish, everybody did it. But until we're willing to 19 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:38,039 Speaker 1: look at how we do, what we do and the 20 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:42,760 Speaker 1: payoff we get for it, it's going to be challenging 21 00:01:43,319 --> 00:01:49,080 Speaker 1: to unlearn the things that we learned as children. I 22 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:54,960 Speaker 1: frequently tell this story about me and the brulosoapads, and 23 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:59,560 Speaker 1: it sounds so ridiculous, but it makes a point. My mom, 24 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:07,640 Speaker 1: you use sospads. They were blue and circle, and they 25 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:13,160 Speaker 1: were high class soapads. And one day I went shopping 26 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:17,080 Speaker 1: my children were young, I had a very limited budget, 27 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:23,320 Speaker 1: and they had brillow soappads on sale, and I could 28 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:28,840 Speaker 1: not bring myself to buy the brillow soapads, which were 29 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:33,840 Speaker 1: twenty five thirty cent less than the sos. I was 30 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:39,520 Speaker 1: in the supermarket weeping because I didn't want to be 31 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:44,680 Speaker 1: disloyal to the pattern that I had learned of cleaning 32 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:49,920 Speaker 1: my pots with a round blue soapad instead of a 33 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:54,800 Speaker 1: square pink soapad. Now I know that sounds ridiculous, but 34 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:59,320 Speaker 1: it was a pattern I was familiar. It made me 35 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:07,799 Speaker 1: feel safe, It was loyal to the family. Traits and 36 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:13,760 Speaker 1: requirements all of us have them, and one of the 37 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:20,280 Speaker 1: most challenging and difficult ones to overcome is when as 38 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:25,880 Speaker 1: children we learn how to be loyal to people who 39 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:31,799 Speaker 1: treat us badly, whether they beat us or violate us, 40 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:39,720 Speaker 1: or starve us or ignore us. We become accustomed to 41 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:44,080 Speaker 1: that treatment, and it's what we look for expect, and 42 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:48,880 Speaker 1: more importantly, is what we attract when we become adults 43 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:56,240 Speaker 1: on learning what we learned as children. It's a difficult task, 44 00:03:56,360 --> 00:04:01,280 Speaker 1: but it can be done. My first guess is at 45 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:09,320 Speaker 1: that door, on that step, take a listen. Good morning, beloved, 46 00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:13,160 Speaker 1: Welcome to the R spot. And what is your relationship 47 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,479 Speaker 1: challenge or issue that we are going to dig into today. 48 00:04:17,839 --> 00:04:24,640 Speaker 2: I recently left from an abusive relationship, and right now 49 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:30,120 Speaker 2: I'm finding myself figuring out who I am from here 50 00:04:30,839 --> 00:04:35,000 Speaker 2: and why I continue to make excuses for people who 51 00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:36,520 Speaker 2: don't treat me right. 52 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:42,640 Speaker 1: So you say you left an abusive relationship. Are we 53 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,560 Speaker 1: talking physical abuse, mental abuse, all of it? 54 00:04:46,279 --> 00:04:46,720 Speaker 2: All of it? 55 00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:50,839 Speaker 1: Okay? And how long were you in that relationship? 56 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,640 Speaker 2: For about three years? 57 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:57,920 Speaker 1: Three years? Well, how are you doing? 58 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:04,040 Speaker 2: To be honest, I still find myself making excuses for 59 00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:13,080 Speaker 2: that individual because I too was abusive to him on 60 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:18,360 Speaker 2: two occasions. But I don't think that that calls for 61 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:24,120 Speaker 2: how much abuse I endured throughout the relationship. And I 62 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:28,880 Speaker 2: just feel that I am making excuses for both my 63 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,920 Speaker 2: own actions as well as theirs. 64 00:05:33,839 --> 00:05:35,359 Speaker 1: Did you grow up around abuse? 65 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:37,880 Speaker 2: I did, yes? 66 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:40,080 Speaker 1: And what can you tell me about that? 67 00:05:41,279 --> 00:05:45,160 Speaker 2: So? When I was seven years old. I can recall 68 00:05:45,279 --> 00:05:52,000 Speaker 2: my first time being sexually abused, and then from there 69 00:05:52,279 --> 00:06:00,599 Speaker 2: I experienced abusive behaviors from both my mom as well 70 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:04,480 Speaker 2: as how she treated my father and as well as 71 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:07,839 Speaker 2: how she spoke to me and dealt with me. So 72 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:11,080 Speaker 2: there was a lot of acceptance there when I was 73 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:15,240 Speaker 2: young that I had to learn or accept early on. 74 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:22,599 Speaker 1: Abuse is familiar to you, physical, mental, and also sexual. 75 00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:29,960 Speaker 1: It's familiar, yes, And what happens when we have early 76 00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:35,840 Speaker 1: experiences of whatever you know, it could be hunger, it 77 00:06:35,839 --> 00:06:40,160 Speaker 1: could be abuse, it could be abandonment. What happens is 78 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:45,960 Speaker 1: that then becomes the template for for which we bond 79 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:46,720 Speaker 1: with people. 80 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:47,640 Speaker 3: You know. 81 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:52,440 Speaker 1: It's like you're a radio, right sending out frequencies into 82 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:57,360 Speaker 1: the universe, and people will tune into your frequency, and 83 00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:02,080 Speaker 1: so you'll draw in people that match your frequency. So 84 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:06,400 Speaker 1: if you have a frequency of love is abusive, abuse 85 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:11,760 Speaker 1: is familiar, or being treated like this is a pattern, 86 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:16,680 Speaker 1: you'll just attract people who are on that frequency. So 87 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:20,680 Speaker 1: your work, my Beloved, has to be about clearing out 88 00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:25,600 Speaker 1: and leveling up or raising up that frequency. Have you 89 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:33,960 Speaker 1: ever gotten any therapy counseling around the experience of abuse 90 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:40,840 Speaker 1: that you've had. No, Okay, well that's step number one. 91 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:49,760 Speaker 1: You've got to Yeah, therapy, counseling, because that's where you're vibrating, 92 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:54,440 Speaker 1: and it's familiar. It's a pattern that you'll use to 93 00:07:54,600 --> 00:08:02,000 Speaker 1: bond with people. But the bigger, the bigger issue that 94 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:05,240 Speaker 1: you can deal with or need to deal with, is 95 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:11,240 Speaker 1: remaining loyal to people who treat you badly. 96 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:16,240 Speaker 2: When you say remaining loyal to people who treat me badly, 97 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:26,400 Speaker 2: is that because I've become familiar and okay with the 98 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:27,240 Speaker 2: bad treatment? 99 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,880 Speaker 1: Yeah? You know as a child, I heard you say 100 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:34,160 Speaker 1: you were sexually abused at seven. Seven is such a 101 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:40,680 Speaker 1: critical age when we're learning our identity and autonomy. Autonomy 102 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:44,800 Speaker 1: meaning functioning on your own and making choices and making decisions, 103 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:49,319 Speaker 1: and your identity. You know, who am I and what's 104 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:54,240 Speaker 1: important to me? So, if you were sexually abused at seven, 105 00:08:55,880 --> 00:09:01,720 Speaker 1: was it repetitive? Did you tell anybody? Did you have 106 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:02,840 Speaker 1: to hold its secret? 107 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:12,280 Speaker 2: So? I I didn't tell anyone. My cousin actually did, 108 00:09:12,679 --> 00:09:16,800 Speaker 2: so I held it a secret for about a year. 109 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:21,600 Speaker 2: It was repetitive, and when it did come out to 110 00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:29,439 Speaker 2: my family, of course everyone was upset initially, but eventually 111 00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:32,920 Speaker 2: it was swept under the rug. I constantly had to 112 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:37,560 Speaker 2: see that individual at family functions, events, and no one 113 00:09:37,679 --> 00:09:42,920 Speaker 2: truly addressed it or provided therapy or even a conversation 114 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:45,560 Speaker 2: you know, on the topic. 115 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:51,240 Speaker 1: Yeah, so what happens to me doesn't matter. That's a 116 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:57,240 Speaker 1: decision that can be made when something unpleasant or painful, 117 00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,960 Speaker 1: hurtful is happening to you and it gets swept under 118 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:03,520 Speaker 1: the rug. As a child, the decision or the choice 119 00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:06,400 Speaker 1: that you make is what happens to me doesn't matter. 120 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,200 Speaker 1: And as you said, you had to see this person 121 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:13,120 Speaker 1: that family functions and and and act like nothing was 122 00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:16,240 Speaker 1: going on. So now you bring into it a level 123 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:20,720 Speaker 1: of emotional dishonesty, because I can imagine you were afraid 124 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,600 Speaker 1: or I mean, you can tell me how did you 125 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:25,280 Speaker 1: feel when you saw this person? 126 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:38,040 Speaker 2: Honestly nothing, because I've endured so much at a young 127 00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:46,280 Speaker 2: newstead nothing I feel nothing. Usually when I am being abused, 128 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:50,719 Speaker 2: treated badly, I feel nothing. I brush it off as 129 00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:55,160 Speaker 2: it is. If it meant nothing is that it wasn't 130 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:56,000 Speaker 2: even a big deal. 131 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:05,920 Speaker 1: And the the a way to think about that, and 132 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:11,760 Speaker 1: particularly for us as children, when bad things are going on, 133 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:16,880 Speaker 1: we leave home, meaning we leave the body, we go 134 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:21,080 Speaker 1: someplace in our mind or just to be able to 135 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:24,840 Speaker 1: endure it. Because it's children, you can't go anywhere. You 136 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,160 Speaker 1: have to stay that some kids are you know they 137 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:32,360 Speaker 1: will run away. But in your mind, you know you 138 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:35,880 Speaker 1: have to leave home, meaning you have to leave your 139 00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:41,040 Speaker 1: physical place. So not only do you leave home in 140 00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:45,679 Speaker 1: your mind you learn how to accommodate and accept. But 141 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:50,439 Speaker 1: the big thing is you don't own your body. Your 142 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:55,240 Speaker 1: body isn't yours. Does that make sense to you? 143 00:11:56,600 --> 00:12:00,240 Speaker 2: Yes? Yeah, what do I say you? 144 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:09,240 Speaker 1: We'll talk about that right after the spring. Welcome back 145 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:13,400 Speaker 1: to the R spot, beloved. You've got to get some 146 00:12:13,559 --> 00:12:18,840 Speaker 1: help for this, you know. And I want to acknowledge 147 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:23,160 Speaker 1: your courage for just being able to talk about it, 148 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,880 Speaker 1: because you'd be surprised how many people are right where 149 00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:29,119 Speaker 1: you are and don't even have the language or the 150 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:32,280 Speaker 1: courage to talk about it. So good for you. And 151 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:34,839 Speaker 1: what that tells me is you're really ready to heal. 152 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,319 Speaker 1: But this is not something you can take a pill for. 153 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:42,160 Speaker 1: This is not something you can wish away. You need 154 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:46,760 Speaker 1: support to unravel the tentacles of this. If you've got 155 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:50,400 Speaker 1: abuse by mom, if you were a witness to abuse 156 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:56,760 Speaker 1: if you were violated. That seven year old in there 157 00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:02,679 Speaker 1: is running your life. She's making choices and decisions, and 158 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:05,880 Speaker 1: she's sending out a radio signal that's going to keep 159 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:13,040 Speaker 1: attracting in what she's familiar with. It's a pattern, and 160 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:16,160 Speaker 1: I dare I say it's at this point a habit, 161 00:13:16,679 --> 00:13:21,640 Speaker 1: an unconscious habit, but a habit based on the frequency 162 00:13:21,679 --> 00:13:22,880 Speaker 1: on your radio station. 163 00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:32,160 Speaker 2: Wow. Yeah, So all of those things that I'll need 164 00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:39,240 Speaker 2: to revisit and work on. But if right now, I'm 165 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:44,520 Speaker 2: still continuously answering the phone for that individual because I 166 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:48,360 Speaker 2: have not yet, it hasn't clicked in my mind that 167 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:52,920 Speaker 2: this is unhealthy, that this is abuse, this is actually abuse, 168 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:57,520 Speaker 2: this is toxic. So I'm still answering the phone for 169 00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,120 Speaker 2: this individual. 170 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:05,920 Speaker 1: Until today, until today, because now you know and you 171 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:11,200 Speaker 1: are empowered to make another choice. It's like if you've 172 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:18,239 Speaker 1: got to stop drinking or abusing a substance or smoking, 173 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:23,040 Speaker 1: you know you have to go into recovery or detox, 174 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:27,400 Speaker 1: and that's where you need to help because it's familiar. 175 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,480 Speaker 1: It's a pattern, it's a habit, it's what you know. 176 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:35,880 Speaker 1: So that seven year old who couldn't leave home, who 177 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:39,400 Speaker 1: didn't talk to anybody who was forced to sweep this 178 00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:43,080 Speaker 1: under the rug, who was forced to act like this 179 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:47,640 Speaker 1: didn't happen. That part of you is still running your 180 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:52,200 Speaker 1: life and you're just behaving in a way that's familiar 181 00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:58,800 Speaker 1: to her. So how old are you now, physically thirty? Okay, 182 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,840 Speaker 1: you have to take charge of that seven year old. 183 00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:09,400 Speaker 1: But she's been allowed to run this show. But now 184 00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:14,960 Speaker 1: at thirty, I need you to say no, no, don't 185 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:20,120 Speaker 1: answer that, don't talk to him. So when you now 186 00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:25,920 Speaker 1: at thirty, find yourself answering the phone or talking to 187 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:32,040 Speaker 1: that person, know that it's the part of you that thinks, 188 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:37,240 Speaker 1: or feels or believes this is familiar, and that's who's responding. 189 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:43,960 Speaker 1: So as thirty, you have to take control of her. 190 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:47,040 Speaker 2: That person within me, that feeling within me. What the 191 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:53,080 Speaker 2: bad habits that I've grown are dictating my current life, 192 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:59,240 Speaker 2: my current decisions, my current emotions towards pain and my 193 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:04,520 Speaker 2: coping that moment, that little girl is dictating my life 194 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:05,160 Speaker 2: right now. 195 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:10,040 Speaker 1: Yeah, let's say your name is Patty. You may call 196 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:14,120 Speaker 1: her little Patty. So big Patty, you know, has to 197 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:18,280 Speaker 1: do for her now what wasn't done for her back then? 198 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:22,680 Speaker 1: What would you have wanted your mom to do once 199 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,800 Speaker 1: she knew or some adult didn't have to be mom. 200 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:30,880 Speaker 1: Was there an adult that you trusted and who supported you? 201 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:34,200 Speaker 1: Was there anyone? 202 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:34,720 Speaker 3: No? 203 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:40,000 Speaker 1: Well, are you willing to be the big person that 204 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:45,080 Speaker 1: little person can trust and take care of her? Are 205 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:46,520 Speaker 1: you willing to do that now? 206 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:49,120 Speaker 2: Yes? 207 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:57,000 Speaker 1: I am, Because this is real simple. If you're saying 208 00:16:57,040 --> 00:17:00,560 Speaker 1: that person is calling you now, I'm I have like 209 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:04,840 Speaker 1: about zero technical ability, but I do know you can 210 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:09,960 Speaker 1: block a person. Yes, block them, just block the call. 211 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,520 Speaker 1: Are you in a safe place where this person can't 212 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:16,080 Speaker 1: get to you? 213 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:17,040 Speaker 2: Yes? 214 00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:24,280 Speaker 1: Physically? Yes, Okay, block them. It's just that simple. But see, 215 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:29,320 Speaker 1: she's also afraid that if she doesn't give that person 216 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:36,480 Speaker 1: what they want, nobody's gonna love her. Does that sound familiar? 217 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,720 Speaker 2: Yes, that's exactly how I feel. 218 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:47,639 Speaker 1: Yeah, I let her know this. Go ahead? No, go ahead. 219 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:52,520 Speaker 2: I always try to see the best, and people try 220 00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:55,479 Speaker 2: to see where I could have done something wrong and 221 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:59,400 Speaker 2: try to see who this person is outside of their 222 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:03,400 Speaker 2: bad life. And that's usually how I cope with everything. 223 00:18:04,359 --> 00:18:08,359 Speaker 1: That's how a seven year old thinks. They beat me, 224 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:11,240 Speaker 1: but they feed me, They yell at me, but they 225 00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:14,320 Speaker 1: buy me. Pretty shoes. That's how a seven year old thinks. 226 00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:19,639 Speaker 1: You're thirty. Spring into the present moment. And even if 227 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:23,000 Speaker 1: you have to say to yourself that I know that 228 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:27,080 Speaker 1: person hurts you, you didn't deserve that and you don't 229 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,159 Speaker 1: have to put up with it. Now, I'm going to 230 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:29,800 Speaker 1: take care of it. 231 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:30,120 Speaker 3: Now. 232 00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,720 Speaker 1: You have to learn how to take care of you 233 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:38,960 Speaker 1: because you didn't learn that as a child. Oh wow, 234 00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:47,159 Speaker 1: And this is the perfect time to do that. I 235 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:49,840 Speaker 1: know you may think that you should have done it sooner, 236 00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:53,040 Speaker 1: but you're at the perfect age and this is the 237 00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:56,760 Speaker 1: perfect time to do it because you're moving into a 238 00:18:56,800 --> 00:19:00,399 Speaker 1: new life cycle of your thirties. Thirty one has certain 239 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:04,280 Speaker 1: gifts and blessings, thirty two, thirty three. So this is 240 00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:08,200 Speaker 1: the perfect time. And the only reason that you on 241 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:11,720 Speaker 1: this call with me today is because you're ready to heal. 242 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,080 Speaker 2: Wow. Today is today? 243 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:19,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, today is the day. And if you get a chance, 244 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,240 Speaker 1: I want you to go to wherever you do your shopping. 245 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:25,560 Speaker 1: I want you to get a copy of a book. 246 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:30,400 Speaker 1: The name of the book is until today, Until today. 247 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:32,919 Speaker 1: I want you to get a copy of that book. Okay, 248 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,439 Speaker 1: And there's a message in that book for every single 249 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:39,639 Speaker 1: day of the year, and you read those messages because 250 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:44,120 Speaker 1: you participated in your own abuse until today, and you 251 00:19:44,359 --> 00:19:47,840 Speaker 1: were made loyal to people who treated you badly until today. 252 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:51,399 Speaker 1: And you believe that what happened to you didn't matter 253 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:54,639 Speaker 1: until today, and you didn't know your own value and 254 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:58,240 Speaker 1: worth until today. Until today, that's the name of the book. 255 00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:02,600 Speaker 1: You get that, and you read. Okay, I appreciate you, 256 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:06,840 Speaker 1: and I'm going to wish you the best for your healing, 257 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:10,720 Speaker 1: not for your understanding. That'll come and do season in 258 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:15,119 Speaker 1: due time. Right now, healing, healing, that's what you need 259 00:20:15,359 --> 00:20:18,960 Speaker 1: to be made whole again, That's what healing is to 260 00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:23,520 Speaker 1: be made whole, because right now you're fragmented. 261 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:25,800 Speaker 2: Okay, yes, thank you. 262 00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:29,639 Speaker 1: So tell me something you know now, tell me something 263 00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:31,840 Speaker 1: you know now that you didn't know when you call. 264 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:37,720 Speaker 2: Me that I need to heal one and two, I 265 00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:42,879 Speaker 2: would say that I have been an active participant and 266 00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:48,119 Speaker 2: abuse and allowing someone to and now and now. 267 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:53,399 Speaker 1: You are, yes, And you have a commitment to me 268 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:57,080 Speaker 1: that within the next three minutes, because it's now twelve twelve, 269 00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:01,000 Speaker 1: that you're going to block that abuser. You're going to 270 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:06,119 Speaker 1: block their number. Yes, that's a commitment. You're making to 271 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:10,840 Speaker 1: yourself as a sign of self love. Okay, so stop 272 00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:13,800 Speaker 1: talking to me, get off the phone, and go block 273 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:14,359 Speaker 1: their number. 274 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:17,560 Speaker 2: Oh great, thank you all right. 275 00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:24,119 Speaker 1: Much love to you. Blessings, blessings, blessings, thank you. I 276 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:28,280 Speaker 1: have really high hopes for my last caller. I believed 277 00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:32,160 Speaker 1: her when she said she was done being a voluntary 278 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:36,200 Speaker 1: participant in the abuse in her life. And in an 279 00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:40,720 Speaker 1: episode all about unlearning what your parents taught you as children, 280 00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:47,119 Speaker 1: it is so important to recognize the frequency, the energetic 281 00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:51,320 Speaker 1: frequency that you are putting out in your life, because 282 00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:57,399 Speaker 1: people really will recognize and tune into the frequency of 283 00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:03,560 Speaker 1: your energy. Very odd often the frequencies are energy. How 284 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:06,840 Speaker 1: we move in the world is based on how our 285 00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:10,640 Speaker 1: parents showed us love when we were younger, whether what 286 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:15,359 Speaker 1: they showed us was good or bad. That's my next 287 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:24,320 Speaker 1: callers situation. Listen and you'll see what I mean. Greetings, beloved, 288 00:22:24,359 --> 00:22:27,200 Speaker 1: welcome to the art spot. Thank you for your patience 289 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:32,440 Speaker 1: and what is your relationship challenge, issue, dilemma question that 290 00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:35,320 Speaker 1: you have going on for us to dig into today. 291 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:39,840 Speaker 3: Thank you for having me in my relationship. I don't 292 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:43,520 Speaker 3: really know how to pandpoint it, but I am triggered 293 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:46,240 Speaker 3: a lot in my relationship with my fiance. 294 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:50,600 Speaker 1: I do feel like, what does that mean? I am triggered? 295 00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:51,960 Speaker 1: What does that mean triggered? 296 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:57,000 Speaker 3: Like Okay, I guess so when something happens like I 297 00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:01,440 Speaker 3: really get bothered by Bye, I'm really like trigger and 298 00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:04,760 Speaker 3: I feel like that like self self reflections. I feel 299 00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:07,320 Speaker 3: like me being triggered by things that he may do 300 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:11,000 Speaker 3: that maybe it's not what how, maybe he he how 301 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,960 Speaker 3: he moved, not how I want him to move. I 302 00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:17,440 Speaker 3: feel like it's deeper things. It's deep, deep rooted. While 303 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:21,560 Speaker 3: I'm so triggered by every little thing, and I feel 304 00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:25,119 Speaker 3: like we like he don't understand me or he like 305 00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:28,080 Speaker 3: I was saying to your assistance, he loves me how 306 00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:30,760 Speaker 3: he wants to love me, versus like how I feel 307 00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:35,320 Speaker 3: like I need to be loved and he is a 308 00:23:35,359 --> 00:23:40,320 Speaker 3: good provider. It's like financial though, and yes I love that, 309 00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:43,640 Speaker 3: but I feel like on a deeper surface if I'm 310 00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:47,840 Speaker 3: more than just financial now and I need like emotional support, 311 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:52,280 Speaker 3: you know, especially from like my traumbers and things of 312 00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:57,679 Speaker 3: coming up or abandoning issues and rejecting from my father. 313 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:01,520 Speaker 3: So it that's always from like uh, then the guys 314 00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:03,680 Speaker 3: that I've been dating like and I passed up until 315 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:05,800 Speaker 3: now I feel like it's like guys then like my. 316 00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:11,200 Speaker 1: Dad, You've been dating men who are like your dad? Yes, 317 00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:15,320 Speaker 1: and how was your dad? How was your dad? 318 00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:18,720 Speaker 3: Financially? He ain't know how to actually love me, he 319 00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:22,400 Speaker 3: thought just buying with love. So now me then old, 320 00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:25,919 Speaker 3: getting older and more wiser as an adult. Okay, it 321 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:28,400 Speaker 3: worked it before, but it's like that doesn't that that's 322 00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:31,560 Speaker 3: not the only thing that I need to feel loved. 323 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:35,800 Speaker 3: Now I'm identifying that because I think definitely triggered. So 324 00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:39,240 Speaker 3: when I am speaking of these things or I'm looking 325 00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:42,400 Speaker 3: for more to be loved or to just like providing financially, 326 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,440 Speaker 3: and if you're not showing up how I need him to, 327 00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:48,000 Speaker 3: I'm triggered. Like I'm you know, I'm going off, like 328 00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:51,359 Speaker 3: I'm upset or it's something every emotion like and I 329 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:54,640 Speaker 3: can't let it go, or my anxiety. I'm just trying 330 00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:57,920 Speaker 3: to figure it out, like i'd be something like, Okay, 331 00:24:58,000 --> 00:24:59,960 Speaker 3: when I'm not in a relationship, I be doing good 332 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:03,400 Speaker 3: and it's like, oh, I find myself. I'm happy with myself. 333 00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:05,440 Speaker 3: But it's like every time did not get into relationship 334 00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:07,200 Speaker 3: and it's like, oh, I gotta go healing again, Like 335 00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:11,119 Speaker 3: I'm back, like kind of. 336 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:13,440 Speaker 2: Trying to find myself. 337 00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:17,280 Speaker 3: I'm trying to articulate of you know, what that happened 338 00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:21,040 Speaker 3: on the food, what it is or I just I. 339 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:22,160 Speaker 2: Know, But it's like trying. 340 00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:28,080 Speaker 1: You got a lot going on. You got a lot 341 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:31,000 Speaker 1: going on, and you're trying to figure it out. And 342 00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:35,240 Speaker 1: the same crazy brain that puts you into the situation 343 00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:38,320 Speaker 1: is the same crazy brain that you're using to try 344 00:25:38,359 --> 00:25:42,280 Speaker 1: to get yourself out. So I'm not laughing at you. 345 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:46,480 Speaker 1: I'm laughing with you because I've been there, done that. Yeah, 346 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:51,280 Speaker 1: been there, done that. This thing about triggered. It's it's 347 00:25:51,359 --> 00:25:57,440 Speaker 1: interesting because people get language and then they they don't 348 00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:01,280 Speaker 1: really know how to apply it. So what happens is, 349 00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:05,280 Speaker 1: I mean, your communication was very clear. You date men 350 00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:10,360 Speaker 1: who was like your father, and your father was transactional 351 00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:13,639 Speaker 1: to show you he loved you, he'd buy you things. 352 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:17,920 Speaker 1: Is that accurate or because he provided money he expected 353 00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:19,600 Speaker 1: you to accept that as his love. 354 00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:23,600 Speaker 3: Yes, well, I felt to realize he didn't ever say that, 355 00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:26,720 Speaker 3: but I kind of identified it on my own, like 356 00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:28,360 Speaker 3: grown up and becoming an adults. 357 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:31,359 Speaker 1: He loved me by buying me things. Yes, so that 358 00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:35,359 Speaker 1: may have been his love language. You know, there are 359 00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:40,160 Speaker 1: five different love languages, five ways that people communicate their love, 360 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:44,200 Speaker 1: and one of them is buying gifts. And it sounds 361 00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:47,960 Speaker 1: to me like your love language may be either quality 362 00:26:48,119 --> 00:26:53,400 Speaker 1: time or showing affection. So the gifts don't speak to you. Yes, 363 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:57,560 Speaker 1: And it's really hard because most people don't stop to 364 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:02,600 Speaker 1: pay attention to what they where love language is or 365 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:07,360 Speaker 1: what their partners love language is. Some people, you don't 366 00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:10,840 Speaker 1: ever have to buy them a gift because physical touch 367 00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:15,920 Speaker 1: is the way they receive love. Other people, it's acts 368 00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:18,879 Speaker 1: of service. If you're serving me, if you're supporting me, 369 00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:23,200 Speaker 1: making me a cup of coffee. Other people, it's gift giving. 370 00:27:23,359 --> 00:27:26,399 Speaker 1: They'll give you. They'll never hug you, touch you, but 371 00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:29,639 Speaker 1: they'll buy you a gift. Other people, it's quality time. 372 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:32,679 Speaker 1: I want to spend quality time if we're just sitting 373 00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:36,960 Speaker 1: looking at the hole in the wall, you know, and 374 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:41,879 Speaker 1: other people, it's affirmation. I need, you know, words of 375 00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:47,600 Speaker 1: affirmation encourage me. So I don't know. You know what 376 00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:51,600 Speaker 1: makes you feel loved, But it sounds to me like 377 00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:55,840 Speaker 1: your father's love language. The way he expressed love was 378 00:27:56,200 --> 00:28:00,200 Speaker 1: giving you gifts, but maybe what you wanted was affirmationation 379 00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:05,960 Speaker 1: or touch or or quality time or you know. So 380 00:28:06,119 --> 00:28:11,560 Speaker 1: you're attracting men that love you the way your father did, 381 00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:15,320 Speaker 1: which is transa well, you know their love language was 382 00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:19,440 Speaker 1: gift giving and you've accepted that. So what happens is 383 00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:24,480 Speaker 1: when they're doing that, you're remembering this is the same 384 00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:26,280 Speaker 1: thing my father did and I don't want this. 385 00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:31,800 Speaker 3: Yes, so my honest anyone was Now he do show 386 00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:36,760 Speaker 3: affection and he's touched and feel and he also by gifts. 387 00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:40,960 Speaker 3: It's when I don't want to say things don't go 388 00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:44,000 Speaker 3: my way. But when I'm like trying to have a 389 00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:48,000 Speaker 3: say what's bothering me? Or maybe it's not I'm not 390 00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:51,600 Speaker 3: affecting communicating because when I'm upset, like I'll get a 391 00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:54,360 Speaker 3: like okay say this or he don't read your mind, 392 00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:56,720 Speaker 3: say it, and I expect him to just know that 393 00:28:56,880 --> 00:29:00,120 Speaker 3: I'm accepting, know why, or come to me and like 394 00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:03,760 Speaker 3: blue baby, what's wrong? You know how I want him 395 00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:05,640 Speaker 3: to do it? Like he he don't just come out 396 00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:07,160 Speaker 3: and be like, oh wo, what's wrong. He might try 397 00:29:07,160 --> 00:29:10,040 Speaker 3: to touch me or husban me, but no, I want 398 00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:14,000 Speaker 3: you to talk to me. So I'm pushing them off 399 00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:17,080 Speaker 3: because I guess that's how he's trying to, like, I guess, 400 00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:19,640 Speaker 3: comfort me. But that's not how I want to be 401 00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:21,800 Speaker 3: comfort I want him to canda in the sense like 402 00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:25,560 Speaker 3: asks me or come to me and like what's wrong. 403 00:29:26,120 --> 00:29:27,840 Speaker 3: And that sounds out to think it's something that you 404 00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:31,479 Speaker 3: did that made me upset, but you're not looking at 405 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:34,680 Speaker 3: it like that, or when I say it's like, it's 406 00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:35,240 Speaker 3: back on me. 407 00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:40,040 Speaker 1: Well, again, you've got a lot going on. First of all, 408 00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:43,959 Speaker 1: the way it sounds to me based on what you're sharing, 409 00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:49,360 Speaker 1: you want intimacy, deeper communication, but that may not be 410 00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:52,720 Speaker 1: the way he loves, so he doesn't know how to 411 00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:57,200 Speaker 1: do that, and then you get upset with him because 412 00:29:57,280 --> 00:30:03,000 Speaker 1: he's not doing what you want. Does that make sense? Yes? 413 00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:07,360 Speaker 1: So what do we do now? We'll talk about that 414 00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:18,240 Speaker 1: right after this break. Welcome back to the R Spot. 415 00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:24,080 Speaker 1: We are continuing our conversation about unlearning what your parents 416 00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:27,800 Speaker 1: taught you as children. So let's get back to the conversation. 417 00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:32,480 Speaker 1: You can't tell people how to love you. You have 418 00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:36,160 Speaker 1: to be clear about the way they love and then 419 00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:41,320 Speaker 1: decide if you want to participate in it. You can't 420 00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:43,960 Speaker 1: tell him this is how I need you to love me. 421 00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:47,640 Speaker 1: You can't tell him that because what if he's a 422 00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:51,680 Speaker 1: poor communicator, what if he's a poor listener. You're trying 423 00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:54,640 Speaker 1: to make him do something that he either doesn't want 424 00:30:54,840 --> 00:31:00,160 Speaker 1: or doesn't know how to do. Here's the question. Your 425 00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:06,160 Speaker 1: partner loves by giving gifts and showing affection. Is that 426 00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:12,120 Speaker 1: enough for you? What triggers you is you're settling for 427 00:31:12,320 --> 00:31:17,440 Speaker 1: less than you need or want. How about that? I 428 00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:18,280 Speaker 1: know that, hit hole. 429 00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:21,720 Speaker 3: That's why my anxiety just was going to rise before 430 00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:22,960 Speaker 3: you from. 431 00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:26,720 Speaker 1: Yeah, you're settling for less than you need or want. 432 00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:29,640 Speaker 1: You need someone that will communicate with you. You need 433 00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:33,480 Speaker 1: someone that you can have emotional intimacy with. Now doesn't 434 00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:35,680 Speaker 1: mean he can't give it to you, But you can't 435 00:31:35,720 --> 00:31:38,200 Speaker 1: get mad at him because he doesn't. What you have 436 00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:40,840 Speaker 1: to do is ask for what you need and what 437 00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:44,440 Speaker 1: you want, and then watch to see his efforts to 438 00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:47,480 Speaker 1: give it to you. Because getting upset with him and 439 00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:50,480 Speaker 1: angry with him and going after him because you're not 440 00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:53,520 Speaker 1: getting what you need or want will eventually become abusive 441 00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:55,000 Speaker 1: and he's not gonna take that. 442 00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:57,760 Speaker 3: I was listening to another podcast of yours and you 443 00:31:58,520 --> 00:32:01,600 Speaker 3: may be like saying something a young lady is communicating 444 00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:04,280 Speaker 3: effect with me, like you think, sort of cuddle up 445 00:32:04,280 --> 00:32:05,760 Speaker 3: and in his black us up there, And I was like, 446 00:32:06,240 --> 00:32:08,720 Speaker 3: why does things so hard for me to do? Like 447 00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:11,400 Speaker 3: I just come up with this guard that like, or 448 00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:14,320 Speaker 3: this pride. I guess my pride on my ego. I'd 449 00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:16,200 Speaker 3: be feeling it and wanted to do it, but then 450 00:32:16,280 --> 00:32:18,440 Speaker 3: I'll go back and see like this guard. 451 00:32:18,760 --> 00:32:22,080 Speaker 1: Because you're angry at your dad and the way he 452 00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:27,520 Speaker 1: loved you, and you've been love starved for so long, 453 00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:31,720 Speaker 1: and now you've got this beautiful man who's doing exactly 454 00:32:31,800 --> 00:32:34,520 Speaker 1: what your daddy did and the same way you couldn't 455 00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:37,440 Speaker 1: say to your daddy. Daddy, thank you for the gifts. 456 00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:39,880 Speaker 1: But I need you to affirm me. I need you 457 00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:41,840 Speaker 1: to talk to me. I need you to listen to 458 00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:44,720 Speaker 1: me the same way you couldn't do that as your dad. 459 00:32:44,840 --> 00:32:48,240 Speaker 1: You think you can't do this with this man, and 460 00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:50,920 Speaker 1: that pisses you off, so then you go for him. 461 00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:56,600 Speaker 1: Poor thing. He probably thinks she's done some kind of nuts. 462 00:32:56,840 --> 00:32:57,880 Speaker 3: Oh my goodness. 463 00:32:58,080 --> 00:33:00,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, And what will happen is you start to beat 464 00:33:00,760 --> 00:33:03,480 Speaker 1: him up and beat him down no matter what he does, 465 00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:06,240 Speaker 1: it's not enough no matter what he gives, it's not 466 00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:09,400 Speaker 1: right no matter how he shows up, it's not good 467 00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:11,800 Speaker 1: enough or what you want, and you'll start to beat 468 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:14,440 Speaker 1: him up and beat him down. And men can't take that. 469 00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:17,160 Speaker 1: Do you love this man? 470 00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:18,200 Speaker 3: Yes? 471 00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:22,240 Speaker 1: Then you have to tell him what you need and 472 00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:26,200 Speaker 1: maybe y'all will have to get some counseling or support 473 00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:32,280 Speaker 1: so that he can hear you. Chances are, you know 474 00:33:32,560 --> 00:33:37,800 Speaker 1: how long have you all been together? Ooh? Chances are 475 00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:43,360 Speaker 1: the broken part of you attracted him. So he may 476 00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:46,680 Speaker 1: not be the one. He may be the one to 477 00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:50,920 Speaker 1: show you where your breaks were. You may be able 478 00:33:51,040 --> 00:33:54,600 Speaker 1: to communicate with him in a way, and he may 479 00:33:54,720 --> 00:33:59,720 Speaker 1: be able to commit to shifting, changing, doing what's required 480 00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:03,360 Speaker 1: that you can feel heard and seen and know that 481 00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:04,040 Speaker 1: you're loved. 482 00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:07,400 Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't think that's gonna happen. I tried that 483 00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:10,440 Speaker 3: a couple of times. Why Because I tried that a 484 00:34:10,520 --> 00:34:14,600 Speaker 3: couple of times. I don't really think he comprehends it. Well. 485 00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:18,880 Speaker 3: I feel like I'm great intellectual and a deep talker, 486 00:34:19,719 --> 00:34:23,600 Speaker 3: tell me conversation. I feel like he's the opposite. He'll listen, 487 00:34:23,680 --> 00:34:26,879 Speaker 3: he'll sit down and listen and everything, But everything I say, 488 00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:31,080 Speaker 3: and I can be calm saying it and everything articulately, 489 00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:33,399 Speaker 3: and will he'll come back and just like he didn't 490 00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:36,160 Speaker 3: understand anything I just said. But his response to be like, 491 00:34:36,200 --> 00:34:38,480 Speaker 3: I don't eve and I just be like, oh my goodness. 492 00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:42,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, because you attracted your father, that's where your radio 493 00:34:43,200 --> 00:34:46,520 Speaker 1: was tuned to send me a man like my father, 494 00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:49,520 Speaker 1: so that I can heal not feeling loved? 495 00:34:50,120 --> 00:34:51,439 Speaker 3: How do I heal that part? 496 00:34:51,760 --> 00:34:53,320 Speaker 1: First of all, you got to get clear about what 497 00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:58,719 Speaker 1: you want. How do you want to be loved? What 498 00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:02,080 Speaker 1: would it take for you to know that you are loved? 499 00:35:03,160 --> 00:35:08,400 Speaker 1: I'll know I'm loved if my partner would see me, 500 00:35:09,480 --> 00:35:12,840 Speaker 1: okay on me? What does that mean? Love on me? 501 00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:16,200 Speaker 3: Make me a priority, make me feel like I'm not 502 00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:19,360 Speaker 3: even just say it, but in actions as well, a 503 00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:20,600 Speaker 3: priority in his life. 504 00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:25,320 Speaker 1: But let me ask you a question. It's a hard question, 505 00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:29,000 Speaker 1: all right, and I want you to think about it. 506 00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:34,360 Speaker 1: Do you see you? Do you see every part of you? 507 00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:39,160 Speaker 1: The good, the not good, the beauty, the power, the pimples, 508 00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:43,320 Speaker 1: the warts. Do you see you? That would be a no. 509 00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:48,800 Speaker 1: That would be a no because if you really saw you, 510 00:35:49,840 --> 00:35:57,799 Speaker 1: and if you really knew you, And if you really honored, respected, embraced, 511 00:35:57,920 --> 00:36:01,280 Speaker 1: accepted you, you wouldn't be with a man who doesn't 512 00:36:01,320 --> 00:36:07,080 Speaker 1: do it. You wouldn't do you love you? I mean 513 00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:10,879 Speaker 1: really love you. You're good, you're bad, you're up, you're down. 514 00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:15,920 Speaker 1: Do you love you enough to know you deserve to 515 00:36:16,120 --> 00:36:19,200 Speaker 1: have every single thing you want the way you want it? 516 00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:20,439 Speaker 1: Do you love you that much? 517 00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:23,920 Speaker 3: How good idea my actions is not shown? 518 00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:26,960 Speaker 2: Ah? Yeah? 519 00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:32,600 Speaker 1: So let me ask you this. Are you a priority 520 00:36:33,120 --> 00:36:39,240 Speaker 1: in your own life? Are you your priority? No? Okay? 521 00:36:39,719 --> 00:36:43,040 Speaker 1: So how can you expect him to give you something 522 00:36:43,360 --> 00:36:46,560 Speaker 1: that you're not giving yourself? And that doesn't mean having 523 00:36:46,680 --> 00:36:49,680 Speaker 1: your own way and having everything your way, It doesn't 524 00:36:49,719 --> 00:36:53,160 Speaker 1: mean that at all. But if you're coming into a 525 00:36:53,320 --> 00:36:59,800 Speaker 1: relationship with another person broken expecting them to fix your break, 526 00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:05,920 Speaker 1: they can never do enough, give enough, be enough, because 527 00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:10,440 Speaker 1: the problem is inside of you. If you're not doing it, 528 00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:12,920 Speaker 1: why are you expecting him to do it? 529 00:37:15,040 --> 00:37:15,080 Speaker 2: So? 530 00:37:15,239 --> 00:37:22,120 Speaker 1: He don't know, poor thing, bless his pointed head. He 531 00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:26,040 Speaker 1: don't know. What do you think he would say to 532 00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:29,520 Speaker 1: you if you were to say to him, come here, boo, 533 00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:32,880 Speaker 1: let me tell you something. It doesn't feel like you 534 00:37:33,080 --> 00:37:36,880 Speaker 1: see me or know me. It doesn't feel like you 535 00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:40,759 Speaker 1: hear me when I'm talking to you. It doesn't feel 536 00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:43,400 Speaker 1: like I'm a priority in your life or that my 537 00:37:43,560 --> 00:37:46,840 Speaker 1: feelings matter to you. And we got to figure this 538 00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:54,120 Speaker 1: out otherwise I'm gone. I'm not feeling loved or seen. 539 00:37:54,719 --> 00:37:57,279 Speaker 1: I don't feel like I matter. What do you think 540 00:37:57,320 --> 00:37:58,040 Speaker 1: he would say to you? 541 00:37:58,280 --> 00:37:59,840 Speaker 3: I'm think he'll say, why you feel like that? 542 00:38:00,800 --> 00:38:06,040 Speaker 1: Because I do? I don't know that. How can you 543 00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:10,520 Speaker 1: love me if you don't see me? Come on, let's 544 00:38:10,560 --> 00:38:13,320 Speaker 1: finish the conversation. How can you love me if you 545 00:38:13,400 --> 00:38:13,920 Speaker 1: don't see me? 546 00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:17,400 Speaker 3: Fortunately, I don't see how I don't see you. 547 00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:21,000 Speaker 1: You don't see when I'm hurting. You don't see when 548 00:38:21,080 --> 00:38:26,480 Speaker 1: I'm sad. I don't feel like a priority in your life. 549 00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:29,600 Speaker 1: I know you buy me gifts and show me affection. 550 00:38:30,160 --> 00:38:34,239 Speaker 1: I know you're a great provider, but there's something missing here. 551 00:38:34,520 --> 00:38:37,200 Speaker 1: I'm not even sure what it is, but I know 552 00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:37,880 Speaker 1: I don't have it. 553 00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:40,480 Speaker 3: What would he say if you don't even know how to? 554 00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:42,200 Speaker 3: And you think you understand. 555 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:46,440 Speaker 1: You want a man who can communicate, and you've got 556 00:38:46,480 --> 00:38:49,360 Speaker 1: a man who can't, well, who doesn't know how to. 557 00:38:50,640 --> 00:38:53,840 Speaker 1: Those three things that you said to me see myself, 558 00:38:54,400 --> 00:38:59,000 Speaker 1: love myself, and make me a priority. I think if 559 00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:03,719 Speaker 1: you focus on those three areas within yourself for yourself, 560 00:39:03,880 --> 00:39:08,720 Speaker 1: even in the relationship, it'll get clearer to you about 561 00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:10,279 Speaker 1: what you need to ask him for. 562 00:39:12,320 --> 00:39:16,200 Speaker 3: I wouldn't even worried about and then not learning any 563 00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:18,360 Speaker 3: confidence at about. 564 00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:27,520 Speaker 1: Me yes, and learning what that means, you know, one 565 00:39:27,560 --> 00:39:30,000 Speaker 1: of you know. One of the ways that I love myself. 566 00:39:30,920 --> 00:39:33,920 Speaker 1: One of the ways that I love myself is I 567 00:39:34,040 --> 00:39:37,399 Speaker 1: make sure that at least once a day I get 568 00:39:37,480 --> 00:39:45,600 Speaker 1: to watch an episode of Law and Order. And when 569 00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:48,520 Speaker 1: I can't find an episode of Law and Order, I 570 00:39:48,680 --> 00:39:55,000 Speaker 1: go watch Blue Bloods because it just makes me happy. 571 00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:58,920 Speaker 1: It don't make no sense. I don't have to be 572 00:39:59,600 --> 00:40:03,320 Speaker 1: you know, spiritual or godly or wise. I just that 573 00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:07,359 Speaker 1: makes me happy, and I got to do it. Don't 574 00:40:07,400 --> 00:40:09,759 Speaker 1: talk to me. I'm watching Law and Order listening to 575 00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:14,080 Speaker 1: Jack McCoy. Leave me alone, and I don't need anybody 576 00:40:14,360 --> 00:40:17,879 Speaker 1: to approve or to accept or to just leave me alone. 577 00:40:17,880 --> 00:40:20,960 Speaker 1: I'm watching I'm watching Jack right now. What are those 578 00:40:21,080 --> 00:40:24,040 Speaker 1: things that you can do to fill yourself up so 579 00:40:24,200 --> 00:40:25,839 Speaker 1: you don't need him to fill you up? 580 00:40:26,160 --> 00:40:27,800 Speaker 3: Some of the self kid, things that wouldn't make me 581 00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:30,399 Speaker 3: happy if I treating myself to going to a spa. 582 00:40:32,560 --> 00:40:35,880 Speaker 3: How do I I'm trying, how I'm doing, how do 583 00:40:36,040 --> 00:40:39,480 Speaker 3: I do that? The feel you know here of course, 584 00:40:39,600 --> 00:40:43,680 Speaker 3: and he having the kids trying to focus on myself. 585 00:40:44,080 --> 00:40:46,160 Speaker 1: Or you can say to him, you know what, I 586 00:40:46,480 --> 00:40:49,080 Speaker 1: have the kids most of the time. I really appreciate 587 00:40:49,520 --> 00:40:51,560 Speaker 1: you know, the help that you give me. But what 588 00:40:51,719 --> 00:40:54,759 Speaker 1: I need is Thursday nights off from six to nine. 589 00:40:56,200 --> 00:40:58,279 Speaker 1: I need you to be here, feed them, put them 590 00:40:58,320 --> 00:41:01,000 Speaker 1: to bed, I'll cook whatever. But can we do that? 591 00:41:01,800 --> 00:41:06,600 Speaker 1: That's that's a real simple request. And if he says no, 592 00:41:07,239 --> 00:41:09,920 Speaker 1: I can't do that, or if he forgets two or 593 00:41:09,960 --> 00:41:12,920 Speaker 1: three times, then what you do is you get a 594 00:41:13,000 --> 00:41:14,759 Speaker 1: member of your posse. Can you keep my kids for 595 00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:16,920 Speaker 1: me on Thursday nights? I go do whatever I need, 596 00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:20,279 Speaker 1: do my nails, my toes, my feet, buys whatever. You 597 00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:25,640 Speaker 1: turn to your posse and don't make your don't make 598 00:41:25,719 --> 00:41:28,800 Speaker 1: it dependent upon him. I mean that would be nice, 599 00:41:29,160 --> 00:41:30,759 Speaker 1: but the goal is for you to get what you 600 00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:34,120 Speaker 1: need and he's gonna support you in. 601 00:41:34,239 --> 00:41:34,759 Speaker 2: It or not. 602 00:41:35,719 --> 00:41:39,200 Speaker 3: Yeah, I believe that on that inner happiness broke because 603 00:41:39,239 --> 00:41:42,880 Speaker 3: I became so dependent on him because you do whateut 604 00:41:42,920 --> 00:41:44,760 Speaker 3: I ax or give whatever I ax. 605 00:41:44,719 --> 00:41:50,080 Speaker 1: Or dependent as opposed to appreciative. And again, he may 606 00:41:50,200 --> 00:41:54,439 Speaker 1: not be the one, but you can't say that he's 607 00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:58,200 Speaker 1: not the one if you are functioning from your broken places. 608 00:41:58,880 --> 00:42:01,120 Speaker 3: Last thing, what if you help the right like White 609 00:42:01,200 --> 00:42:03,239 Speaker 3: might not give him my father the letter, but just 610 00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:05,680 Speaker 3: to wipe my father letter, like everything has tell stuff 611 00:42:05,680 --> 00:42:07,680 Speaker 3: like that, do it away or whatever. 612 00:42:07,480 --> 00:42:12,239 Speaker 1: And you need that absolutely. And then once you're all 613 00:42:12,400 --> 00:42:14,279 Speaker 1: done with it and you got it all out, weep 614 00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:16,560 Speaker 1: and cry and snotting all over the paper, take it 615 00:42:16,600 --> 00:42:19,960 Speaker 1: and burn it, okay, and then begin to see your 616 00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:23,120 Speaker 1: father differently. He did the best he could. He did. 617 00:42:23,320 --> 00:42:25,120 Speaker 1: He loved you the way he knew how to love, 618 00:42:25,680 --> 00:42:29,280 Speaker 1: and wanting him to love you any differently is not helpful. 619 00:42:29,600 --> 00:42:31,600 Speaker 1: It's not going to turn out well for you. And 620 00:42:31,719 --> 00:42:34,319 Speaker 1: that's exactly what you're doing with your partner. You want 621 00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:36,160 Speaker 1: him to love you in a way that he may 622 00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:40,000 Speaker 1: not know how to do. And it's unkind to ask 623 00:42:40,120 --> 00:42:42,719 Speaker 1: somebody to do something that they don't know how to do. 624 00:42:43,520 --> 00:42:45,600 Speaker 1: If you love this man, let him love you the 625 00:42:45,680 --> 00:42:48,080 Speaker 1: way he loves you, and fill your own cup. 626 00:42:50,239 --> 00:42:55,080 Speaker 3: Okay, Yeah, thank you so much. I honest is so helpful. 627 00:42:55,520 --> 00:42:59,919 Speaker 1: All right, I wish you the best. Thank you. Okay, okay, 628 00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:05,200 Speaker 1: bye bye. I am telling you. I am telling you. 629 00:43:05,440 --> 00:43:08,560 Speaker 1: I am telling you. Whether you understand it or believe 630 00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:13,160 Speaker 1: it or not, we all vibrate at a certain level. 631 00:43:13,239 --> 00:43:18,120 Speaker 1: We send out energetic frequencies. We put out a frequency 632 00:43:18,320 --> 00:43:22,680 Speaker 1: that says, this is how I've accepted love before, So 633 00:43:22,840 --> 00:43:26,680 Speaker 1: come on in and repeat that pattern with me. And 634 00:43:26,800 --> 00:43:32,120 Speaker 1: it's not until we accept and understand and recognize that 635 00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:36,360 Speaker 1: we can change the pattern where we begin to attract 636 00:43:36,520 --> 00:43:41,560 Speaker 1: what we really desire. If we decide that we need 637 00:43:41,719 --> 00:43:47,279 Speaker 1: to change it, we can. Sometimes we are receiving healthy love, 638 00:43:48,080 --> 00:43:51,600 Speaker 1: but we might not want to recognize it or accept it, 639 00:43:51,719 --> 00:43:55,279 Speaker 1: so instead we're demanding to be loved in the way 640 00:43:55,920 --> 00:43:59,640 Speaker 1: we know love in a certain way that we've become 641 00:43:59,680 --> 00:44:04,600 Speaker 1: a to receiving love. But it's so important to learn 642 00:44:05,719 --> 00:44:09,879 Speaker 1: that we can accept love in a healthy way. It's 643 00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:14,080 Speaker 1: so important to learn that we can accept love in 644 00:44:14,520 --> 00:44:19,360 Speaker 1: different ways, but it has to be healthy. There is 645 00:44:19,640 --> 00:44:24,280 Speaker 1: absolutely nothing wrong with accepting a gift now and then. Okay, 646 00:44:24,760 --> 00:44:29,600 Speaker 1: ha ha, but don't accept less than you deserve. I 647 00:44:29,719 --> 00:44:31,960 Speaker 1: hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you 648 00:44:32,120 --> 00:44:36,560 Speaker 1: have a question about this or any other relationship issue, 649 00:44:36,840 --> 00:44:40,120 Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three 650 00:44:40,239 --> 00:44:43,400 Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to 651 00:44:43,480 --> 00:44:46,920 Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times, 652 00:44:47,320 --> 00:44:56,680 Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The 653 00:44:56,920 --> 00:45:00,759 Speaker 1: R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 654 00:45:00,840 --> 00:45:05,920 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the 655 00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:10,719 Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your 656 00:45:10,800 --> 00:45:11,600 Speaker 1: favorite shows.