Speaker 1: Ridiculous Crime is a production of Our Heart Radio Hellozarin.
Speaker 1: Who are you? My name is Elizabeth Dutton. Nice to
Speaker 1: meet you, Elizabeth Duton. My name is Elizabeth Dutton. That's weird.
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, I'm sorry reading the wrong lines. Hi,
Speaker 1: I'm Szaron Burnett. You know it's ridiculous. What's ridiculous? Like that?
Speaker 1: That was ridiculous? Now and all, honestly, I have something
Speaker 1: for you. You ready? In Kentucky since eight forty nine,
Speaker 1: every single legislator, public officer, and lawyer must take an
Speaker 1: oath stating the same thing, all of them. You know
Speaker 1: what the oath is about. You'll never guess it. No
Speaker 1: one ever would have guess it. I have. They have
Speaker 1: to say these words quote, I have not fought a
Speaker 1: duel with deadly weapons within the state or not out
Speaker 1: of it, So help me God. They have to take
Speaker 1: I've never dueled oath. I think everyone may have to
Speaker 1: do that. That's a Are you kidding? No, I'm totally kidding.
Speaker 1: Only can be a bit and it's ridiculous. You want
Speaker 1: to know what else is stupid and ridiculous? Oh? I
Speaker 1: love stupid and ridiculous air rage? Air rage? Oh like
Speaker 1: like fighting on a plane. Yeah, air rage, I'll enunciate
Speaker 1: like air raids. I was like, I don't think the
Speaker 1: English would agree. They would think it's stupid. Yeah, air
Speaker 1: rage ridiculous. Let me tell you about something. Hit me
Speaker 1: with it. This is a ridiculous crime. A podcast about
Speaker 1: absurd and outrageous capers, heists and cons. It's always murder
Speaker 1: free and one ridiculous. You like air travel, right, Saron? Yeah,
Speaker 1: as long as I'm to get to be the one
Speaker 1: who flies the plane. Not kidding. I love air travel.
Speaker 1: What's your air travel protocol? Like, lially, do you get
Speaker 1: to the airport, check bags? Do you sleep on the plane?
Speaker 1: Do you drink on the flights? Oh? Man? Like my
Speaker 1: real protocol? Okay, So if I'm being honest, I show
Speaker 1: up in a rush, most likely because I'm cutting it
Speaker 1: close because I don't want to hang out at the
Speaker 1: airport too long. And so then I get there basically
Speaker 1: where I'm not quite running. I got I'm not, you know,
Speaker 1: not racing through the airport because that makes people nervous
Speaker 1: these days, so I'm just shy of that. And then
Speaker 1: I get to like the baggage place, and I'm like
Speaker 1: hoping the people in front of me, aren't like really
Speaker 1: slow like I am. I'm like, please don't be like me,
Speaker 1: Please don't be like me. And then I get out
Speaker 1: and then I have to pull out like three laptops
Speaker 1: out of my bag, take my shoes off. I've forgotten
Speaker 1: things in my pocket. I'm walking around with magnets in
Speaker 1: my back pocket, and I'm like all right, and then
Speaker 1: I have this moment of like I'm a jerk and
Speaker 1: of course like and something that's completely predictable. And then
Speaker 1: finally get all that done. Then I go and I
Speaker 1: wait and I'm like, wait, which like places? I don't
Speaker 1: know which gate I'm at. I forgot I remembered that earlier.
Speaker 1: Then I get to the gate and I'm like they're boarding,
Speaker 1: and I'm like oh. And then I get on the
Speaker 1: plane and if it's like you know, like a Southwest flight,
Speaker 1: we get to pick your seats. I know, no matter
Speaker 1: even if I'm late, no one's gonna sit next to me.
Speaker 1: I get like the little casual racism buffer and I'm
Speaker 1: just seating, and so then I just show up and
Speaker 1: I just wait for the wait like you know, the waitress.
Speaker 1: I'm like, what am I in a bar with the
Speaker 1: waitress to come around with a drink tray. No, just
Speaker 1: wait for them to come around, and then I'm like, Okay.
Speaker 1: Before COVID, I'd be like, let's go with the Heineken
Speaker 1: or a beer or something. And otherwise now I'm just
Speaker 1: like I just signal like I basically dragged my fingers
Speaker 1: across my throat like nothing, I'm good. And then I
Speaker 1: don't say anything for six hours and I get off
Speaker 1: the plane. That is stressing me out just listening to right. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm like an air rage incident waiting to happen, either
Speaker 1: from somebody interacting with me or just like you know,
Speaker 1: me really pushing someone over their edge. Okay, Yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: the opposite as you could imagine what your routine seems
Speaker 1: kind of chill. Oh. I get to the airport very early,
Speaker 1: like the day before, like a week ahead of time.
Speaker 1: Camp out. No. I like to give myself the allotted
Speaker 1: amount of time, and if I'm checking a bag especially,
Speaker 1: I want to make sure I get there. And then
Speaker 1: I don't like standing in the security line and knowing
Speaker 1: that my flight is about to board the best No, no, no.
Speaker 1: Most of what I do in life is try and
Speaker 1: make things as chill and relaxed as possible. How's that
Speaker 1: working out? Awesome? Because like, there's an intersection by my house,
Speaker 1: it's a total pain to navigate. If I want to
Speaker 1: get I have to cross all these lanes of traffic
Speaker 1: with no no light or stop sign in order to
Speaker 1: get to the freeway intersection. And it would's right by
Speaker 1: my house. I go up and over a block so
Speaker 1: that I can have like a chill way to get
Speaker 1: there and not be stressed out trying to So you
Speaker 1: don't take my approach of embraced the chaos, No, avoid
Speaker 1: the chaos. That's me. You're like, I can navigate around
Speaker 1: this and can make a little pathway. I get to
Speaker 1: the airport with plenty of time. I don't mind hanging
Speaker 1: out at the gate and listening in on people's conversations.
Speaker 1: I once had an ex girlfriend make a plane get
Speaker 1: turned around on the tarmac. She she made such a
Speaker 1: scene that they turned the plane around the tarmat and
Speaker 1: came back to pick her up. She was just a
Speaker 1: princess and she's really good at it. And they responded appropriately, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that that's kind of where we're going today. Um, you know,
Speaker 1: I think that the stress of air travel. For me,
Speaker 1: it's sort of stress. I'm not afraid of flying, but
Speaker 1: there are just so many components and so many outside
Speaker 1: things that I can't control. So I want to be
Speaker 1: able to do the most that I can to again
Speaker 1: maintain chill. Uh plus. When you combine that, like you're
Speaker 1: saying with the princess, with this sense of entitlement, people
Speaker 1: freak out. People. I want to tell you about an
Speaker 1: epic freak out, an absolutely ridiculous case of air rage. Alright,
Speaker 1: close your eyes and we're gonna do another one of
Speaker 1: my imagination experiments for you. It's October. Let's say that
Speaker 1: maybe you're the chair of like the astronomy department at
Speaker 1: Yale or something. And look at you, look at what
Speaker 1: you've done. You know you're a little sad about the
Speaker 1: death of Jerry Garcia just two months earlier, because I
Speaker 1: guess you're a deadhead. And where are you in October?
Speaker 1: I don't know where am i Buenos Aires, Argentina. Look
Speaker 1: at me. You just gave a talk at the Galileo
Speaker 1: galile Planetarium. You totally killed that man. Good job, dude,
Speaker 1: High five up, high, high five, a high downlow. You've
Speaker 1: had a wonderful time in this totally beautiful city, right
Speaker 1: the Paris of South America. You're able to build in
Speaker 1: a couple of days on either end of your talk
Speaker 1: for sight seeing in your trip, folks at the Planetarium
Speaker 1: and the University of Buenos Aires. They have been marvelous,
Speaker 1: just lovely. You ate it, fantastic restaurants. You explored the
Speaker 1: city like a local thanks to all of your academic
Speaker 1: scientist friends life. Oh my gosh, you learned to tango.
Speaker 1: It's been a wonder a full trip. So you get
Speaker 1: up on the morning of October nineteenth and you pack
Speaker 1: your bags. You're carefully folding your pleaated dockers so that
Speaker 1: they don't get messed up route. You check out your hotel.
Speaker 1: I mean you're like an astronomy. I'm working with it. Yeah.
Speaker 1: If you check out of the hotel, you hop in
Speaker 1: a cab and you head to the airport. As you're
Speaker 1: driving in the cab, you like have your head leaning
Speaker 1: against the passenger window in the back. My independent movie moment.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, you're listening to like singer songwriter stuff on
Speaker 1: your c D. Walkman, you're staring wistfully out of the
Speaker 1: taxi window and your taxi is overtaken by a motor case.
Speaker 1: They just go alwan by you a series of black
Speaker 1: town cars, cops on motorcycles. This is so exciting. What
Speaker 1: a city. You say to yourself, good lord. You get
Speaker 1: to the airport is a huge concourse. This place is
Speaker 1: in norm us. You head through the metal detectors, make
Speaker 1: your way to the gate. Now, for whatever reason, you're
Speaker 1: flying first class. I've back to New York's JFK. You know,
Speaker 1: it's a long flight. I don't know how you how
Speaker 1: you pulled this off because I don't know. Maybe you
Speaker 1: make a lot of money with what you're doing. Maybe
Speaker 1: you stole airline miles. I don't I don't know how
Speaker 1: you live hot telescopes on the black market. Yeah, exactly,
Speaker 1: that's your side, gig So, but before boarding begins, you
Speaker 1: see this whole giant group of these men in dark
Speaker 1: suits and they're making their way to a roped off
Speaker 1: area near the gate. And you asked the gate agent
Speaker 1: and completely impeccable Spanish somebody m hmm. Voice is really weird.
Speaker 1: It's kind of melodic in that like computerized way. You
Speaker 1: said you asked them, excuse me, brilliant sky wizard, who
Speaker 1: are those men. So the agent explains to you that
Speaker 1: they're diplomat, but you can't tell you more than that.
Speaker 1: You're clever, you know what to do. You pull a
Speaker 1: bag of Eminem's from the front pocket inside your blazer.
Speaker 1: Always my answer, Yeah, I mean, I'm probably gonna pull chocolate.
Speaker 1: But as you do this, it reveals that you're wearing
Speaker 1: a Shambra shirt with tweetye and Sylvester embroidered on the
Speaker 1: breast pocket. Baby yeah, me and h You dangle the
Speaker 1: candies seductively in front of the gate agent. You ask
Speaker 1: her to tell you more. Tell you I'm tempting people.
Speaker 1: Tell you who those men are. She looks at the
Speaker 1: bag of Eminem's, She looks at the Looney Tunes characters
Speaker 1: stitched on your shirt. You can't help herself, so she
Speaker 1: spills the beans and tells you that the President of Portugal,
Speaker 1: Mario Sourus and Argentinian Foreign Minister Guido di Tella are
Speaker 1: flying with you to New York, where they're going to
Speaker 1: be attending the fiftieth anniversary celebrations for the United Nations.
Speaker 1: What a life, what a city? Oh my goodness. You
Speaker 1: tear open the bag of handies. The gate agent just
Speaker 1: like tilts her head back and opens her mouth expectedly.
Speaker 1: So I'm now in a renaissance pain tang of pleasure off.
Speaker 1: The two of you make eye contact as you pour
Speaker 1: the contents of the bag into your own gaping mom
Speaker 1: just filling it beyond capacity. You chew the candies with
Speaker 1: your mouth open, sugary multicolored chocolate jeol running down the
Speaker 1: corner of your mouth, down your chin, stay staining, tweetie,
Speaker 1: who's standing in like that sassy stance? Hands, She says,
Speaker 1: well played, before lifting the intercom microphone and announcing that
Speaker 1: boarding is beginning for first class passengers. Hey, that's me.
Speaker 1: You're in that moment right now. Um, how did you
Speaker 1: sudden think it's so frisky? I born this way? Did
Speaker 1: the passion of the Argentinian tango go to your head?
Speaker 1: It probably did help. You're you're pondering this new you,
Speaker 1: and a man shoves by you on his way to
Speaker 1: boarding the plane. Yeah, he's wearing a ridiculously expensive suit.
Speaker 1: He's already intoxicated. So it's other me, it's your it's
Speaker 1: your dooppelganger. He rummages around for his boarding pass, and
Speaker 1: you just like slip by and board the plane because
Speaker 1: you're smooth. You still got like eminem stuff all over
Speaker 1: your face, but it was worth it. You take your seat.
Speaker 1: You like your these seats fully recline into little beds
Speaker 1: in first class on this kind of long hall seven
Speaker 1: sixty seven or whatever it is. You're gonna recline in
Speaker 1: luxury and it does off. You're gonna watch a movie
Speaker 1: being a magazine shop from skymall. Maybe get yourself like
Speaker 1: a giant sarcophagus for the corner of your house. You
Speaker 1: know what, you know how skymall goes. My house needs
Speaker 1: a new decoration. Get a couple. You're gonna order like
Speaker 1: twelve head of sarcopha. You're like still reeling from the
Speaker 1: joy of that speech and the dinners and the music
Speaker 1: and the interlude with that gait agent. What a trip,
Speaker 1: What a life, best life ever? And then you notice
Speaker 1: that man in the fancy suit from the gate is
Speaker 1: actually seated behind you, sipping on some champagne before taken off.
Speaker 1: It's first class. That's what you do. Dreams that glass
Speaker 1: pounds it asked for another. He's loud, He's like really loud.
Speaker 1: So everyone is boarded, and then the diplomats breeze to
Speaker 1: their seats in first and they settle in flight attendants
Speaker 1: for like getting ready to taxi take off, and the
Speaker 1: fancy suit guy behind you asked for more champagne. Totally denied,
Speaker 1: didn't know that. He yells that cut you off before
Speaker 1: you well, if you've been pounding glasses of champers and
Speaker 1: and so he's just like, if you fly first class
Speaker 1: to Hawaii, by the way, they give you the option
Speaker 1: of champagne or pog that is it, pog pineapple orange? Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So on this one though, they're like champagne only, or
Speaker 1: maybe it'll give you like a little sip of water.
Speaker 1: So he's like, I want champagne. They cut him off
Speaker 1: because he's just had way too much tequila. Yeah, well no,
Speaker 1: And so he's just like he's a master of the universe.
Speaker 1: He's like Gordon Geck. He gets up tries to pour
Speaker 1: himself a glass of champagne from an empty bottle on
Speaker 1: the beverage cart. I don't think even you can do
Speaker 1: that in first class. I don't think you can get
Speaker 1: champagne out of an empty bottle. Oh right, there's that
Speaker 1: part too. So he gets reprimanded. So they start yelling
Speaker 1: at him sit down, and he manages to like then
Speaker 1: make his way up to the galley, where he pours
Speaker 1: himself a glass of champagne and then snaps up two
Speaker 1: pre poured glasses for good measures. So he's got three
Speaker 1: glasses of champagne, makes his way to his seat. They're
Speaker 1: doing their best, the flight crew to say, like the
Speaker 1: professional be kind, but their patience is tested. You have
Speaker 1: a bad feeling about this guy. I'm like that, yeah,
Speaker 1: and as well you should don't call me psychic. His
Speaker 1: name is Gerard Jerry Finneran, not old dirty Jerry Finneran. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he's fifty eight years old. He lives in a palatial
Speaker 1: estate in Greenwich, Connecticut. I can tell for with the behavior.
Speaker 1: He's the president of Trust Company of the West. It's
Speaker 1: an investment fund worth more than a fifty million dollars.
Speaker 1: They're focused on Third World debt. And he's also the
Speaker 1: co manager of a private equity firm called the Argentine
Speaker 1: Investment Company. So the big money mining or whatever. Sure,
Speaker 1: I don't know, it's just got a ton of cash. Um.
Speaker 1: But most importantly he's about to get completely ridiculous, about
Speaker 1: to get this is nothing. I'm gonna let you savor
Speaker 1: the last bits of your dream trip to Buenos Aires
Speaker 1: while we hear some ads, and when we get back,
Speaker 1: we're going to redefine bad flight behavior. All right. So
Speaker 1: there you are, flying first class from Buenos Aires to
Speaker 1: New York City. Yeah, look at you. What a life.
Speaker 1: You've had a lovely trip so far. Everything has been perfect,
Speaker 1: but things are starting to go a little sideways. The
Speaker 1: guy behind you, I mean dirty Jerry Finner, Jerry Finneran.
Speaker 1: He's already on one. He's been guzzling champagne loudly declaring
Speaker 1: his need for more. It's not a want, it's a
Speaker 1: need for him. At this point, the plane still on
Speaker 1: the ground. We have not left the ground. He's already
Speaker 1: overserved himself, refused to sit in his seat. It's been
Speaker 1: picking fights with the flight crew and people having to
Speaker 1: walk past him to get on the plane. I mean,
Speaker 1: like everyone. Yeah, I would guess everyone a legitimate question
Speaker 1: because I found out what kind of airplane this was
Speaker 1: a Big One is the official name. It's an airplane,
Speaker 1: Big One, the buying big in. I think it's like
Speaker 1: a seven sixties seven, but I may be a little
Speaker 1: bit off on one of those numbers because maybe people
Speaker 1: something that they're coming in and making the right turn. Yeah,
Speaker 1: in the moment, I looked it up, and it looks
Speaker 1: like for United, they come on the plane, make a
Speaker 1: right turn, walk through first to get to business and
Speaker 1: then to coach. So interesting, so they do. And it
Speaker 1: looks like maybe on Delta they got on in between
Speaker 1: first and business and yeah and so. But I don't know.
Speaker 1: But let's say everyone has to cruise through there. Well,
Speaker 1: it makes more sense that they have to get on
Speaker 1: between First in business. That's what I am. So he's like,
Speaker 1: he's just causing a ruckus won't sit plane still sitting there. Um,
Speaker 1: most people would have gotten the boot from the plane
Speaker 1: by now, because it hasn't even left. I would have
Speaker 1: been given the boot twice, right at least I think
Speaker 1: the people in coach would have kicked me off this
Speaker 1: flight in any subsequent flights. You're total. That's a ban
Speaker 1: right there that I would just picked into jail. That's
Speaker 1: so the plane takes off at long last, you're perusing
Speaker 1: your copy of Entertainment Weekly you picked up before you
Speaker 1: left for the trip. Got to catch up with my guy. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you'd like shoved it in your attache case and forgotten
Speaker 1: about it? What has ed Norton done lately? No, you're
Speaker 1: reading the cover story about David Duchovny. He's touted as
Speaker 1: the X files hottest UFO, and UFO there stands for
Speaker 1: Unlikely Fantasy object, you know. So you're just tisk tiss.
Speaker 1: You're flipping through and you hear finnering behind you. Ask
Speaker 1: for a glass of red wine. Bro that won't go well.
Speaker 1: You can't switch from white dread like Cannon's goodness. So,
Speaker 1: after all his like pre flight antics, you're kind of
Speaker 1: surprised that they're giving him any alcohol at all. I
Speaker 1: was surprising to the conscious. But go on, he downs
Speaker 1: that glass of red that they bring him and ask
Speaker 1: for another one. They bring him the wine. Yeah, he
Speaker 1: slams the second one, and it's like bar keeping more.
Speaker 1: Do you have a wine ball? Once again? He wants
Speaker 1: a wine gravity bud, and the flight attendants just keeps
Speaker 1: stalling from having to deal with him. It's just kind
Speaker 1: of like he's a lank space. At some point, he's undeterred, right,
Speaker 1: He gets up, cruises over to the galley and decides
Speaker 1: to pour himself some more red wines. Yeah, he's like
Speaker 1: no worries. I got this um. One of the flight
Speaker 1: attendants catches him doing this and tries to stop him,
Speaker 1: but he grabs the bottle, heads back to his seat,
Speaker 1: puts the bottle between his legs, effectively preventing the flight
Speaker 1: attendants from taking it back. Okay, so he's got it,
Speaker 1: like yeah, he's making mold crotch wine because it's warming.
Speaker 1: Then he just got it gets like a he got
Speaker 1: he got himself a huge silly straw. It's like swirling round.
Speaker 1: So the flight attendants asked their supervisor, can we cut
Speaker 1: this guy off? Which, come on, make the executive decision
Speaker 1: yourself and cut him off. But they went to the supervisor,
Speaker 1: and so then one of the male flight attendants is
Speaker 1: sent over and they tell him to cool out. There's
Speaker 1: just like in the most flight attendant phrasing ever. They say, sir,
Speaker 1: we're going to need to take a little break from drinking. Now, Well,
Speaker 1: thank you, Stephen, I'm gonna need you to go ahead
Speaker 1: and cap on it. This flips the switch finneran goes
Speaker 1: into an absolute rage air rage. Wait wait a minute,
Speaker 1: So just because somebody says we're gonna need you to
Speaker 1: take a little drinking he's like he hulks out, so
Speaker 1: he like chases the attendant into the galley and he's
Speaker 1: just screaming, I want your name. I'm gonna bust your ass.
Speaker 1: He I just like to imagine that this is delivered though,
Speaker 1: like Quirky st Clair from one of my favorite films
Speaker 1: of all time, Waiting for Guffman. But then again, I
Speaker 1: like to hear everything in my head as if it's
Speaker 1: said by Quirky st Clair Christopher Guest character. Yeah, he
Speaker 1: says like it's his end thing like how many babies
Speaker 1: fitting a tire? Or my favorite was like me, you know,
Speaker 1: right out of the Navy, you know, fresh off the
Speaker 1: destroyer with a dance belt in the tuba chapstick that
Speaker 1: and Parker Posey fanning the one chicken wing on the
Speaker 1: barbecue is those are like my favorite things in the world. Anyway,
Speaker 1: Finnerman is going to bust a guy's ass, he says.
Speaker 1: And so at this point, the flight supervisor steps in
Speaker 1: and tries to calm things down. He's successful. He's kind
Speaker 1: of like, I don't know what they say. Leans in
Speaker 1: You're trying to listen, professor, You're like, what are they?
Speaker 1: And Finneran goes back to his seat. The cabin goes quiet. Finally,
Speaker 1: me and my cotton dockers can relax. Oh, you just exhale,
Speaker 1: and you just start one by one taking peanuts out
Speaker 1: of a bag, and you're like licking your fingers because
Speaker 1: by one putting him on little tray and lining them.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, and then snorting him crushed peanuts. What's going on?
Speaker 1: You're just still riding the high of the Buenos sorry
Speaker 1: strip venerand doesn't want the party to stop, obviously, so
Speaker 1: he gets up again and approaches a flight attendant and
Speaker 1: he demands a drink, and she tells him, you know what,
Speaker 1: You're cut off, dude, You're cut off. Go back to
Speaker 1: your scene. So in this like choose your own adventure.
Speaker 1: Do you take a beat think about what you've done.
Speaker 1: I decided to go back sober up, you know, in
Speaker 1: your little first class seating pod. Not if you're puts
Speaker 1: his hands on the woman's chest and just shoves her
Speaker 1: into a seat. She goes flying back like a full
Speaker 1: on boob press and pushes her back the as totally offense. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I wish it was like a chest butt. He just
Speaker 1: shoves her with it and she goes flying back. I'm
Speaker 1: trying not to laugh. You go ahead, It's okay, we're
Speaker 1: all friends here. So Finneran like he shoves her. This
Speaker 1: turns into it. Everything he starts going berserk. He's losing it.
Speaker 1: He heads again to the galley, to the drink's cart.
Speaker 1: There's this complete rucus. Everything breaks into chaos because Finneran
Speaker 1: didn't just stumble up there and pour himself another drink.
Speaker 1: He climbs onto the cart. Now those carts aren't really huge,
Speaker 1: and they're already like a little bit top heavy, right move,
Speaker 1: but like finner in his safety's enemy at this point,
Speaker 1: and like a tipping cart is the absolute least of
Speaker 1: our worries. He's standing on the cart, he's yelling, and
Speaker 1: then he pulls down his pants and he squats down
Speaker 1: and he one takes a giant dump on the drink's cart,
Speaker 1: just just a big old steamer on the drink's cart.
Speaker 1: People start losing it, they are losing it. So he's
Speaker 1: still on the cart. When he reaches down, he grabs
Speaker 1: some like cloth napkins, and he wipes himself in front
Speaker 1: of the President of Portugal and like so he's just
Speaker 1: like taking a napkin wiping, tossing it. He steps in
Speaker 1: his own crap as he jumps off the cart, and
Speaker 1: then he starts making his way towards the toilets, and
Speaker 1: like he started like wiping the soiled napkins on the
Speaker 1: walls of the plane as he walked, and I like
Speaker 1: to imagine it like he's doing it like a very
Speaker 1: Jim Morrison of the Hampton's blinky swagger as he's going along,
Speaker 1: and like his pants are kind of like half done. Um,
Speaker 1: he tracks Dodo all over the cabin and he wipes
Speaker 1: it on the walls and the seats before locking himself
Speaker 1: in the bathroom. So you know, you know he wrecked
Speaker 1: shop in the bathroom as well. That laboratory, he was
Speaker 1: just blowing mud throwing rope. So he pops out of
Speaker 1: one bathroom that he's in and ducks into another, perhaps
Speaker 1: just like to be able to decimate both of them.
Speaker 1: I had no idea how dirty dirty Jerry was Jerry.
Speaker 1: So at this point, like food service is about to start,
Speaker 1: well it should have been starting, that's why the cart
Speaker 1: was out, but there's coca everywhere. I'm having a really
Speaker 1: good time thinking of all the synonyms. So Fitner and
Speaker 1: he's locked in the laboratory and there's not going to
Speaker 1: be any dinner because we've got like a hazmat situation
Speaker 1: going on. And so the pilots realized, we have to
Speaker 1: land this plane, like this is ridiculous. The closest airport
Speaker 1: is San Juan, Puerto Rico. Oh wow, okay, so there's
Speaker 1: over the Caribbean. Yeah, they're over the Caribbean. And so
Speaker 1: they radio to San Juan and San Juan turns him away, like, bro,
Speaker 1: he got to take that stuff elsewhere? Did the wise
Speaker 1: Puerto Ricans just not want anything to do with this
Speaker 1: literal sh show. No. Turns out that they couldn't land
Speaker 1: the plane there because of the dignitaries on board. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like an unscheduled stop would be a huge security risk,
Speaker 1: and the State Department has protocols for board diplomats boarding
Speaker 1: and landing at US airports, and they didn't really have
Speaker 1: anything in place for that at that point because it's unscheduled.
Speaker 1: So the poop plane flies on, continues on and Finnerman Finnerman.
Speaker 1: Eventually his traveling companion slash colleague someone is with him.
Speaker 1: He's not traveling by himself. Someone is sitting next to him, like, yeah, bro,
Speaker 1: you gotta children ahead. A lady who works with him manages,
Speaker 1: She manages to help the flight crew to jimmy the
Speaker 1: lock on the bathroom and coax him out. And at
Speaker 1: this point dude is covered in feces. No no, no,
Speaker 1: he stripped down, and the galpa takes him back to
Speaker 1: his seat and the two of them snuggled together and
Speaker 1: go to sleep. What yeah, my record scratched in my head.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. What she nuzzles up to a man covered
Speaker 1: in his own dropping and there are still four hours
Speaker 1: left on this flight? Four hours? Is it wrong of
Speaker 1: me to assume that they were more than work associates?
Speaker 1: I don't know you. How are you going to cozy
Speaker 1: up to your colleague who's got feces all over him
Speaker 1: and be like, I'm just going to help him get settled.
Speaker 1: You're in the cabin, professor, don't you dare trying to
Speaker 1: escape his imagination exercise. You know, it's straight up reeks
Speaker 1: and and so the flight crew could only like they
Speaker 1: throw a blanket over him and his companion and just
Speaker 1: hope for the best. How much is the first class
Speaker 1: ticket over the respect? What is it thousand dollars world,
Speaker 1: that's a really good a thousand dollar invest But here's
Speaker 1: my absolute favorite detail of this that it smelled so
Speaker 1: bad in the cabin, like what do you think he'd
Speaker 1: been eating? And so here's my thing. The flight crew
Speaker 1: they needed to mask the smell. They walked up and
Speaker 1: down the aisles spraying Lagerfeld cologne. I just love this
Speaker 1: because the brand is specified, like in all the news reports,
Speaker 1: like they used Lagerfeld cologne. It's the worst but best
Speaker 1: advertisement ever. But you know how closely scent is tied
Speaker 1: to memory, and so like every single one of the
Speaker 1: people on that flight, for the rest of their lives,
Speaker 1: when they smell Lagerfeld cologne, they're going to immediately smell crap.
Speaker 1: They think of Jerry Finner and squatting. They're gonna pass
Speaker 1: someone on the street wearing that scent and immediately start wretching.
Speaker 1: So for four hours, four hours, people are in robed
Speaker 1: in Lagerfeld dukie smell. They're hungry, they haven't eaten, but
Speaker 1: not really because it smells like a ground beef tire
Speaker 1: fire up in there. Like they can't what do you do? Right?
Speaker 1: What did you do? The professor? How did you handle this?
Speaker 1: I don't even know if you know that this is
Speaker 1: all an imagination exercise with you. So I don't want
Speaker 1: people to think that the professor from Yale was actually there.
Speaker 1: Yea professor there, And exactly so the whole like big
Speaker 1: u n trip for the President of Portugal and the
Speaker 1: Argentine Minister of Foreign Affairs off to a great start,
Speaker 1: you know, diplomacy. I gotta take a breath. Let's take
Speaker 1: a short break, and I'm gonna let you know how
Speaker 1: this all shakes out. Alright, So where were we? Oh,
Speaker 1: let's see, we were in about thirty six thousand miles
Speaker 1: thou feet in the air, and everything smelled like poop
Speaker 1: and Carl Loggerfield's cologne. Yeah, the poop ship destroyer Flight
Speaker 1: nine six eventually lands in New York and the FEDS
Speaker 1: are waiting, I hope. Yeah. The FBI arrested Gerard Finneran
Speaker 1: upon his arrival. He gets charged with interfering with the
Speaker 1: flight crew and assaulting a flight member flight attendant. Excuse me,
Speaker 1: when is this soulting? Is that a specific thing? Or
Speaker 1: is he getting arrested for assult and battery? It just
Speaker 1: happens to be a flight attendant. Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I think that I think that there's probably like striking
Speaker 1: an officer special. Let's say there is. He posts a
Speaker 1: hundred thousand dollars bond, and he's required to attend alcohol
Speaker 1: canceling and he's not allowed to fly anywhere without the
Speaker 1: court's permission. So he's correct. Definerin has tons of money,
Speaker 1: so you'd imagine that he gets like a really great lawyer.
Speaker 1: I've seen some of the lawyers, some really rich people higher.
Speaker 1: He's not necessarily guaranteed that. I feel like maybe his
Speaker 1: lawyer wasn't quite prepared for this craptacular situation. So in
Speaker 1: court and in the papers, the lawyer, Charles Stillman insists
Speaker 1: that the booze had nothing to do with his client's capers.
Speaker 1: How he says, it's all false. It's a horrible lie.
Speaker 1: I guess he took a tranquilizer earlier and didn't know it.
Speaker 1: Gets it's such a good explanation. What he's trying to
Speaker 1: do is rewrite the narrative. He's hoping that the plane
Speaker 1: ride will be like most of this guy's life. What
Speaker 1: he says goes. He's just going to say how it is,
Speaker 1: don't forget, there's no smartphones or social media, so it's
Speaker 1: like someone wanted to get the video, they had to
Speaker 1: bust out an actual video camera, tape the whole thing,
Speaker 1: and then maybe sell like the physical tape to inside edition.
Speaker 1: There's no one they're yelling world star, world star, which
Speaker 1: would have been awesome. So if you weren't a weird
Speaker 1: astronomy professor at Yale and you were instead a high
Speaker 1: price lawyer in Manhattan, how how would you defend your
Speaker 1: client's actions? You said, what was it? I wasn't listening.
Speaker 1: I was like, I think, I said, tell me about
Speaker 1: like tranquilizers. I don't know. The point being that usually
Speaker 1: the high price lawyers like to shift the blame onto
Speaker 1: something that raises reasonable doubt that you cannot really say
Speaker 1: does or does not do the thing they're claiming, and
Speaker 1: that's all they have to introduce. So I would try
Speaker 1: to come up with some reasonable doubt that oh, he
Speaker 1: had a reaction to his medications, and I just find
Speaker 1: whatever medications he has and find some doctors says that
Speaker 1: somebody once had a reaction, I'd be like, yes, he's
Speaker 1: also TV that you're totally on the right path there,
Speaker 1: oh Am I look at me, law school paid all right,
Speaker 1: now you just passed the bar. Look at that. You're done,
Speaker 1: arn Burnett. It's so good. So stillman opts for a
Speaker 1: really ridiculous a Finneran pleads guilty as charged in court,
Speaker 1: but the lawyer wants to make sure everyone understands that
Speaker 1: it was all just a big misunderstanding, the poop on
Speaker 1: the drink cart photo misunderstanding. He says, well, you know what,
Speaker 1: it's actually the President of Portugal's fault, shift the blame.
Speaker 1: We write the narrative. Do we know who exactly was
Speaker 1: on the drink cart? We have eyewitnesses, but can they
Speaker 1: be trusted? Well, he says that, okay, He's like, listen,
Speaker 1: my man, Finneran, he actually had a really bad case
Speaker 1: of traveler's diarrhea. Is that a thing? Yeah, It's like
Speaker 1: if you eat something that you're not used to while traveling.
Speaker 1: So he had drank water that yeah. So he says
Speaker 1: that that's what happened, not that he was on a
Speaker 1: complete loose goosebender, but he's got traveler's diarrhead well. As
Speaker 1: an aside, I kind of feel like maybe he had
Speaker 1: more than just champagne and red wine dropping the crazy train.
Speaker 1: I'm thinking he showed up a little loose. Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: pure speculation. Maybe there's like Columbian marching powder, no nose candy. Yes,
Speaker 1: I don't know, and that's pure sulation. But like when
Speaker 1: people say, by the way, when people say nose candy,
Speaker 1: I always imagine someone shoving an entire Snickers bar up
Speaker 1: their nose with the heel of their palm. Imagine pop rocks.
Speaker 1: And that's just me, you know. Anyway, Stillman, he says
Speaker 1: that Finneran had the squirts super bad, and that the
Speaker 1: president of Spirts grandfather used to call you got the squirts.
Speaker 1: He's like he was sliding into first heels first. Um,
Speaker 1: I don't remember the rest of that. Then I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna when you fly in the first and you feel
Speaker 1: something first in diarrhea, and then there's a second and
Speaker 1: the third something about a turd. Yah. Um. Anyhow, President
Speaker 1: of Portugal's team, won't he the Stillman, the lawyer says
Speaker 1: that the president of Portugal's team isn't letting his client
Speaker 1: into the bathroom while he had as bad diarrhea, and
Speaker 1: that he was prevented from accessing this bathroom by by
Speaker 1: this crew and what's he supposed to do? Use coach
Speaker 1: bathrooms like an animal? Okay, wouldn't that be like the
Speaker 1: easiest people to find to get an eyewitness testimony that
Speaker 1: they did not know because he's just rewriting the narrative.
Speaker 1: And the lawyer says, you know what, the only other
Speaker 1: option he had was to pop a squad on the
Speaker 1: beverage cart. What else are you going to do anyone
Speaker 1: in these conditions? Um, the bogus meters off the chart.
Speaker 1: So was the judge like, you know what, we all
Speaker 1: been there, no worries, no, thankfully no. Finneran gets sentenced
Speaker 1: to three hours of community service, two years probation, and
Speaker 1: a five thousand dollar fine, And he also had to
Speaker 1: pay the airline almost fifty dollars for the hazmat crew. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like a grand or two went for cleanup costs, Like
Speaker 1: they must have had to steam clean, disinfect, maybe replace seats,
Speaker 1: Oh I hope. So yeah. And then some actually some
Speaker 1: of the passengers were calling for Finneran to be tested
Speaker 1: for hepatitis to make sure they weren't exposed, and then,
Speaker 1: in total ignorant nineties fashion, some of them wanted him
Speaker 1: to be tested for AIDS because they thought that's how
Speaker 1: they were going to get it. So, uh yeah, that's
Speaker 1: that's um an intelligent move. Uh logic. Anyway, Um, the
Speaker 1: rest of the money that was paid to the airline
Speaker 1: went towards reimbursement costs for the other passengers. What about
Speaker 1: the flight crew who he was boob pushing down the
Speaker 1: aisle and listen, I don't I swear if I didn't,
Speaker 1: If I'm on that flight, If I'm professors erin and
Speaker 1: I don't get like a dozen free first class flights
Speaker 1: out of this, I'm losing it. I'm crapping on stuff.
Speaker 1: I'm going that's and I feel like they probably like
Speaker 1: refunded people's tickets and gave them like a drink voucher
Speaker 1: and maybe a pair of those little plastic United wings.
Speaker 1: You know that there had to be at least doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be. But I would imagine statistically at least
Speaker 1: one person on that flight that was the first time
Speaker 1: they ever flew So the first time they ever fly up,
Speaker 1: they never fly again. Trains for me like so Finneran
Speaker 1: though he goes on to Lalo for the rest of
Speaker 1: his days. You know, he's promised as much to the
Speaker 1: judge during his sentencing because he tells him, you will
Speaker 1: never hear of me doing anything like this again. Okay,
Speaker 1: that's quite a promise there. You're never going to hear
Speaker 1: of me doing something. In fact that he like. He
Speaker 1: later volunteers at a nonprofit that helps source post incarceration
Speaker 1: employment for people who have completed their sentences. But did
Speaker 1: you like pick that? I mean, are we giving him
Speaker 1: credit for? Yeah, I'm giving him credit. This is I
Speaker 1: debated including this next part because like, we had a
Speaker 1: wild ride and I didn't want to end it on
Speaker 1: a bummer. I can I appreciate that. Um still trying
Speaker 1: to get the car lager filled out of my mental theater,
Speaker 1: I think it should be mentioned. And you know, at
Speaker 1: least we had some fun along the way here. But
Speaker 1: Finnran died into that and five and his cause of
Speaker 1: death was complications of Alzheimer's disease. So the air rage
Speaker 1: incident took place ten years prior to this, and there
Speaker 1: has been, you know, speculation that the whole mess was
Speaker 1: a sign of early onset Alzheimer's. Okay, now, I've had
Speaker 1: friends grandparents who had Alzheimer's, and uh, I watched the
Speaker 1: deterioration and go from the person that they were to
Speaker 1: the person like they could not remember their wife and
Speaker 1: so forth, and it was really you know, as a kid,
Speaker 1: I remember this was the case. It's really sad and
Speaker 1: really difficult to watch. But I don't remember any of
Speaker 1: them having episodes of like this type of behavior. When
Speaker 1: they did the occasionally they get angry because they get
Speaker 1: confused and stuff, but their anger didn't turn into I'm
Speaker 1: surfing the drink cart and pooping on I mean, like
Speaker 1: this didn't go I mean, here's the thing, Like, I've
Speaker 1: had relatives who at the end of their lives had
Speaker 1: diminished capacity, mostly due to dementia, you know, and some
Speaker 1: of them did some seriously ridiculous and like in hindsight,
Speaker 1: hilarious things as a result of this um In the moment,
Speaker 1: it was wild and like out of character and distressing,
Speaker 1: but like with time, it becomes a pretty funny story. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I think that because after that time, and like
Speaker 1: when they're gone, we have a more holistic view of
Speaker 1: who they were in their life and like the absurd
Speaker 1: nature of just our brief time on this planet, you know,
Speaker 1: you get that kind of and so like when you
Speaker 1: take the illness out of the equation in these stories,
Speaker 1: they're funny and there's something that the person themselves would
Speaker 1: laugh about. So I'm just like giving credence to if
Speaker 1: there's a speculation that that played a part in it,
Speaker 1: Like in the case of Gerard Finneran. On the surface
Speaker 1: of the story, it's a guy who went nuts in
Speaker 1: first class and flipped out and then did something so
Speaker 1: primal and like against societal norms, meaning like going against
Speaker 1: civility and basic hygiene. Like it's not like, oh, I'm
Speaker 1: a rebel, I don't cut my hair. I'm a rebel.
Speaker 1: I crap all over the place. You know. It's shocked
Speaker 1: and it amused people like late night hosts like David
Speaker 1: Letterman and comedians. They used his antics and material like crazy.
Speaker 1: At the time, it was everywhere um and but we
Speaker 1: now we have some distance and we see how it
Speaker 1: played out. And he was a guy who did a
Speaker 1: lot of good things in his life. You know, he
Speaker 1: had a wife of forty four years, kids, grandkids, He
Speaker 1: was an Air Force, successful businessman, played a ton of sports,
Speaker 1: love to be active. So like he used a major
Speaker 1: misstep two in his life to lead him to help
Speaker 1: out others who'd done something that they regret and had
Speaker 1: paid their dues and just wanted to get back into society,
Speaker 1: the society they offended injured. Yeah, he became like a
Speaker 1: gateway for others. Yeah, and he realizes I've been there,
Speaker 1: I've done I've done something really really wrong. And I
Speaker 1: don't know, I mean, I don't think it really affected
Speaker 1: his work career because he, you know, he went on
Speaker 1: to to continue to make money and be you know,
Speaker 1: well regarded. So I think he wanted other people to
Speaker 1: have that. Um. There's a part in his obituary in
Speaker 1: the New York Times that I thought was like a
Speaker 1: really interesting snapshot of who he was outside of the
Speaker 1: fecal fiasco. Okay, so let me read this to you,
Speaker 1: and I quote. Gerard was one of the founding partners
Speaker 1: of tc W Worldwide and the author of its eclectic
Speaker 1: but very successful investment style. He was a consummate value
Speaker 1: investor who could see around corners, and he was a
Speaker 1: wonderful boss who focused on what people could do, not
Speaker 1: on what they couldn't. He engendered loyalty and love from
Speaker 1: those who are lucky enough to have the opportunity to
Speaker 1: work with him. His enthusiasm, carrying and absolute fearlessness will
Speaker 1: be sorely missed. So he's he's a complex guys. You know,
Speaker 1: whatever your thoughts on the like social value of equity
Speaker 1: funds or whatnot, you know, he's a human being who
Speaker 1: seems to connect well with other human beings. But is
Speaker 1: he like a salesman type or get did you get
Speaker 1: a sense of where his charm is, because like some
Speaker 1: people can be charming because they're working on it. Some
Speaker 1: people can be charming because they have integrity and you're
Speaker 1: drawn to it. I think that his charm was sort
Speaker 1: of in the fact that he was not risk averse
Speaker 1: and he was willing to do things a little bit differently.
Speaker 1: It sounds from what I you know, when I understand,
Speaker 1: and it wasn't just that he was like a charm
Speaker 1: I mean guy. I think he was just a nice guy. Um.
Speaker 1: And so if you look at it, like he connects
Speaker 1: with other people, I I feel like that's the meaning
Speaker 1: of life, right, That's why we're here, connect with other people,
Speaker 1: connect with the other living things. And it's too late
Speaker 1: for me to say that. I don't want to get
Speaker 1: philosophical about this because I'm like deep in it. But
Speaker 1: what I think is appealing about ridiculous crimes that we
Speaker 1: talk about, is this whole thing, like that's this like
Speaker 1: we um people make major screw ups and antics and
Speaker 1: foiled plots. They're real people, and they're great examples of
Speaker 1: the fallibility of human beings, you know. And and we're
Speaker 1: all capable of these things, you know. Anyone who says
Speaker 1: that they're not is lying to themselves. Um. And so
Speaker 1: the crimes that we talk about are ones where no
Speaker 1: one loses their one precious life, you know. So these
Speaker 1: are the kind of weird things we all do along
Speaker 1: the way, not all of us, but we all make
Speaker 1: dumb choices at some point and to differing degrees, and
Speaker 1: those are the things that we talk about. And I
Speaker 1: think it's sort of better to laugh at those, because like,
Speaker 1: life is ridiculous and that that is my ridiculous takeaway
Speaker 1: on this one. So Gerard Finneran, you know, did something
Speaker 1: completely ridiculous and gross and hilarious. And maybe it was
Speaker 1: for reasons that weren't so hilarious, but maybe we don't know, speculation,
Speaker 1: But the bottom line is it's absolutely hilarious to poop
Speaker 1: all over an entire first class cat completely because you
Speaker 1: can't get a drink. The the O bit your read
Speaker 1: reminds me the way you talk about him being the
Speaker 1: way the O bit talked about him being a value
Speaker 1: investor and you know, basically being warm and somebody who
Speaker 1: took a risk reminded me almost like a Warren Buffett.
Speaker 1: So imagining Warren Buffet standing on a drink tray, dropping
Speaker 1: trout and crapping on like all the coffee and everything
Speaker 1: right now, suddenly I'm like, now, how could he get
Speaker 1: past that? And I could see him doing it, but
Speaker 1: I don't see him laughing about it per se, But
Speaker 1: I could imagine laughing about it. And I think with
Speaker 1: time even Warren Buffett would laugh at the image of
Speaker 1: him drop and trial on a drink cart. By all rights,
Speaker 1: we have every right to laugh about it, and so
Speaker 1: does Warren Buffett. Yeah, I'm just just saying. So I
Speaker 1: was trying to, like, you know, picture like, well, how
Speaker 1: far could I take? This investment banker is just a
Speaker 1: decent guy, just had this one weird moment. Well we
Speaker 1: hope it was the one weird moment. What has he
Speaker 1: gotten away with quietly in other instances? But it seems
Speaker 1: like he righted the ship And I like I love
Speaker 1: a good I won't just say like I love a
Speaker 1: good redemption story. So this is a redemption story about
Speaker 1: poopman Joe, just like let it loosen, and he gave
Speaker 1: me the opportunity to think of so many synonyms for
Speaker 1: fecal matter. Did you know? Thank you, Gerard. I think
Speaker 1: my other ridiculous takeaway is apparently a first class ticket. Wow,
Speaker 1: I had no idea. Yeah, I mean right up to
Speaker 1: a point. It's I guess worth it to fly first
Speaker 1: for many many reasons that thousand dollars goes a long way.
Speaker 1: Oh not just a thousand son. Okay, it's so clear
Speaker 1: I have no idea that that's just for today. You
Speaker 1: can find us online at Ridiculous Crime on both Twitter
Speaker 1: and Instagram. Note I will not be posting coop pictures
Speaker 1: on Instagram. Whatever. You're welcome, America and the world. You
Speaker 1: gotta tip for us about a ridiculous crime that you
Speaker 1: want to hear about. Do you want to tell us
Speaker 1: about the time that you pooped on a cart in
Speaker 1: first class? Email us. We can take it at ridiculous
Speaker 1: Crime at gmail dot com. So tune in next time
Speaker 1: for more ridiculousness. Ridiculous Crime is hosted by Elizabeth Dutton
Speaker 1: and Zaron Burnett, produced and edited by Duty Free Dave Kusten.
Speaker 1: The research is by t s A pre boarding approved
Speaker 1: Merissa Brown. The theme song is by Thomas Long Haul
Speaker 1: Lee and Unaccompanied Minor Travis Dutton. Executive producers are Upright
Speaker 1: and Locked Position, Ben Bollen and NonStop Noel Brown. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Ridiculous Crime is a production of I heart Radio. For
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