WEBVTT - Male vs Man: Which One Are You? w/ Dondré Whitfield 0:00:03.040 --> 0:00:08.440 What's up, everybody. I'm Gammy Rodney and this is positively 0:00:08.520 --> 0:00:13.400 gam what's happening? Bit oh man, this puppy is more 0:00:13.440 --> 0:00:16.880 than a notion. She is. But guess who found her 0:00:16.920 --> 0:00:22.400 and guess who encouraged me to get her? You I did? 0:00:22.040 --> 0:00:24.239 I did. I'll take the hit on that. Yeah, but 0:00:24.360 --> 0:00:26.880 she is a sweetie pie. But that's getting up at 0:00:26.880 --> 0:00:30.160 four in the morning and trying to house train is 0:00:31.280 --> 0:00:33.760 a bit much. It is much. But she is doing 0:00:33.960 --> 0:00:37.520 really really well. From day one, she's been doing really 0:00:37.560 --> 0:00:39.440 really well. I mean, we got her when she was 0:00:40.040 --> 0:00:43.080 two months, so I don't know what kind of training 0:00:43.120 --> 0:00:48.159 she had before. But she's had very limited accidents in 0:00:48.720 --> 0:00:52.080 the home. But I'm constantly taking her out, like I 0:00:52.240 --> 0:00:54.480 take her outside every two hours, and I have my 0:00:54.560 --> 0:00:58.320 eyes on her every second because I'm not trying to 0:00:58.480 --> 0:01:02.720 have our home messed up. Okay, but I love her. 0:01:02.800 --> 0:01:06.160 Did get her from the we did. She's a rescue. 0:01:06.280 --> 0:01:09.360 She's a rescue. I'm really happy that we were able 0:01:09.400 --> 0:01:13.800 to give her a home. Yeah, I'm very excited. You 0:01:13.840 --> 0:01:15.920 wanted to get there. I wanted to get a King 0:01:16.000 --> 0:01:19.760 Charles Spaniel, all those fancy name dogs. They'll get good homes. 0:01:19.920 --> 0:01:23.520 But Ronnie, you and I recently finished a great book 0:01:23.560 --> 0:01:29.120 by DeAndre Whitfield called Male Versus Man, How to honor women, 0:01:29.600 --> 0:01:33.240 teach children, and elevate men to change the world. And 0:01:33.319 --> 0:01:38.480 this was such an important read. It is I encourage everyone. 0:01:38.920 --> 0:01:40.959 You know, you don't have to be a man to 0:01:41.000 --> 0:01:44.160 read this book. Absolutely not. I could so totally relate 0:01:44.240 --> 0:01:47.520 to it, and I'm just really excited to talk to 0:01:47.640 --> 0:01:58.400 DeAndre about it. We are so excited to have DeAndre 0:01:58.560 --> 0:02:02.240 Whitfield joined us one positively gam He's an actor, a 0:02:02.400 --> 0:02:06.720 three time Emmy and n double a CP Image Award nominee, 0:02:07.040 --> 0:02:11.160 and has published his first book called Male Versus Man. 0:02:11.760 --> 0:02:16.760 Welcome don Dre, Welcome, Thank you. But you know, before 0:02:16.800 --> 0:02:21.760 you even get started, I cannot move forward without mentioning 0:02:21.919 --> 0:02:27.920 your beautiful wife, Sally Richardson with you. I don't know 0:02:28.120 --> 0:02:30.640 people know that you are married to this beautiful woman. 0:02:30.680 --> 0:02:34.000 And you know we have a very deep connection because 0:02:34.000 --> 0:02:40.680 Sally was Jada's nemesis in Low Down, Dirty Shape. She 0:02:40.960 --> 0:02:45.880 also played Willow's mom and Will's wife respectively. And I 0:02:45.919 --> 0:02:49.680 am legend right. She's done so much. She's now she's 0:02:49.840 --> 0:02:52.880 part of the Gilded Agent I'm so proud and happy 0:02:52.960 --> 0:02:55.480 for her. So I have to say that I couldn't 0:02:55.520 --> 0:02:59.400 go on without talking about your wife at you know, 0:02:59.480 --> 0:03:02.400 I was going to talk about her because you know, 0:03:02.520 --> 0:03:05.520 that's my girl. We've been you know, that's my girlfriend 0:03:05.560 --> 0:03:09.560 of twenty four years and my wife of nineteen years. Yeah, 0:03:09.760 --> 0:03:12.519 we you know, it's been such a journey for her, 0:03:12.680 --> 0:03:16.440 being able to reinvent yourself at some very critical times, 0:03:16.560 --> 0:03:18.680 you know, and we both have you know, been able 0:03:18.680 --> 0:03:21.960 to successfully that's you know, I always say, you know, 0:03:22.160 --> 0:03:27.280 you direct characters behind the camera and I direct character, 0:03:28.400 --> 0:03:33.840 and so we literally have carved out different spaces for ourselves, 0:03:34.320 --> 0:03:37.520 but they still do, you know, managed to intertwine in 0:03:37.560 --> 0:03:41.760 some really great ways, and I'm just so proud of her. Typically, 0:03:41.960 --> 0:03:45.120 you know, I don't you know, watching you know, our 0:03:45.200 --> 0:03:47.880 white brothers and sisters in the of the eighteen hundreds 0:03:47.960 --> 0:03:51.600 is not typically something that I you know, clamored to 0:03:51.600 --> 0:03:57.040 to watch. But when when they and this is credit 0:03:57.120 --> 0:04:01.960 to them also being able to have diverse voices behind 0:04:02.000 --> 0:04:04.839 the camera, which is exactly what we need in order 0:04:04.920 --> 0:04:08.839 to be able to tell stories accurately. So shout out 0:04:08.840 --> 0:04:12.040 to HBO and to Gilded Age for putting her in 0:04:12.120 --> 0:04:15.080 place like that and really not just for the sake 0:04:15.200 --> 0:04:19.280 of using her as a pawn, but really using her 0:04:19.360 --> 0:04:24.320 voice and her vision. Absolutely, absolutely so, and I'm enjoying it. 0:04:24.440 --> 0:04:28.480 So okay, So congrats on your first book. What compels 0:04:28.600 --> 0:04:33.839 you to it? I mean, it's so good, and it's 0:04:34.000 --> 0:04:37.520 so good we were both blown away. It was that 0:04:37.680 --> 0:04:41.400 just stops. You have to forgive me, because you know 0:04:42.480 --> 0:04:45.040 that stops me in my tracks. And the reason why, 0:04:45.120 --> 0:04:47.800 and I talked about this in the book. When I 0:04:47.839 --> 0:04:50.200 was in the fourth grade, I had a teacher tell 0:04:50.279 --> 0:04:53.360 me that I was not a good writer. Yeah, talk 0:04:53.440 --> 0:04:57.760 about that. And as you know, the things that that 0:04:57.920 --> 0:05:02.120 children here, particularly from adults that are supposed to help 0:05:02.160 --> 0:05:07.200 them build their life, could either wind up speaking life 0:05:07.400 --> 0:05:13.159 or death into that child's existence. And so from the 0:05:13.200 --> 0:05:17.719 fourth grade on until about a very few short years ago, 0:05:18.720 --> 0:05:23.200 I carried around this story about myself that I was 0:05:23.240 --> 0:05:26.600 not a good writer, despite the fact that I had 0:05:26.640 --> 0:05:31.040 great evidence that pointed to the contrary. My wife used 0:05:31.080 --> 0:05:33.280 to always tell me, baby, you gotta start writing. You're 0:05:33.520 --> 0:05:35.719 like you know, she would make a speech and you know, 0:05:35.800 --> 0:05:37.719 she would say, baby, I need something here, and I 0:05:37.760 --> 0:05:40.559 get can you and then write that up. She goes, 0:05:41.080 --> 0:05:44.200 this is crazy. You did that in five minutes. That's crazy, 0:05:44.400 --> 0:05:46.719 or somebody would you know, would ask, hey, you know, 0:05:46.760 --> 0:05:48.760 I need to have you know this written up. But 0:05:48.920 --> 0:05:53.120 I'm not quite sure how. Language has always been a 0:05:53.120 --> 0:05:59.240 gift of mind. But because of that teacher, I never 0:05:59.600 --> 0:06:03.120 fully grasp a hold of the fact that I had 0:06:03.160 --> 0:06:08.559 a voice with my pen. What made you write this book? 0:06:08.920 --> 0:06:12.920 My father was in and out of jail my entire life, 0:06:13.200 --> 0:06:15.760 particularly the formative years of my adolescence. Right. I grew 0:06:15.839 --> 0:06:18.960 up in Brooklyn. I grew up fighting every day. You know, 0:06:19.040 --> 0:06:22.400 when you grow up light skinned with curly hair, that 0:06:22.440 --> 0:06:24.840 was a while ago, But when you grow up in 0:06:24.839 --> 0:06:29.360 that environment, that's invitation to a fight every single day 0:06:29.600 --> 0:06:31.839 because every day they're like, oh, you think you're cute, 0:06:32.960 --> 0:06:35.000 and I'm like, no, I just came outside to play 0:06:35.000 --> 0:06:37.560 some basketball. If you gotta beef with somebody, you gotta 0:06:37.560 --> 0:06:43.080 beef with my parents, not me. So every single day, 0:06:43.320 --> 0:06:45.719 not having your father and I talked about this in 0:06:45.760 --> 0:06:50.360 the book, and it's been very controversial in our community. 0:06:50.400 --> 0:06:54.240 As black folks, I said boldly, and I stand by it. 0:06:55.200 --> 0:06:58.719 A woman cannot teach you how to be a man. 0:06:59.600 --> 0:07:02.479 And that is not a controversial statement. That is a fact. 0:07:02.520 --> 0:07:05.320 I have a seventeen year old daughter. I cannot teach 0:07:05.360 --> 0:07:08.000 her how to be a woman. You know why, because 0:07:08.040 --> 0:07:12.040 I'm not one. That's my wife's job. I can teach 0:07:12.160 --> 0:07:14.880 my daughter how to be in relationship with a man, 0:07:15.800 --> 0:07:19.160 because I'm a man. My wife has to teach my 0:07:19.240 --> 0:07:21.560 daughter how to be a woman. I can teach my 0:07:21.640 --> 0:07:26.040 daughter how to have language with and for a man. 0:07:26.800 --> 0:07:29.720 So my father being in and out of jail my 0:07:29.920 --> 0:07:33.320 entire life, I never had anyone to give me languaging 0:07:33.360 --> 0:07:38.320 of manhood. So matriculating into manhood was extremely difficult for 0:07:38.400 --> 0:07:43.640 me because I didn't have that drill sergeant. I didn't 0:07:43.680 --> 0:07:46.920 have that drill instructor to get the proper information and 0:07:47.000 --> 0:07:51.720 instruction to be able to safely and accurately matriculate in 0:07:51.760 --> 0:07:55.920 the manhood. So every single day of my life where 0:07:55.960 --> 0:07:59.080 everybody thought I was a man, but I still had 0:08:00.280 --> 0:08:04.400 the skill set of a male, made life very difficult 0:08:04.400 --> 0:08:08.200 for me. And when Sally and I got married and 0:08:08.240 --> 0:08:13.360 then I became a father, that's when I began to see, hey, man, 0:08:14.560 --> 0:08:18.000 you're missing a lot. And every single day that I 0:08:18.080 --> 0:08:22.800 gathered up that information in order to graduate myself into manhood. 0:08:22.880 --> 0:08:26.600 I began to realize, Wow, you know what, I would 0:08:26.640 --> 0:08:31.840 have become a greater man, much quicker had I had 0:08:31.880 --> 0:08:36.640 this information and instruction. And in fact, my father would 0:08:36.640 --> 0:08:40.480 have become a great man quicker if he had that 0:08:40.600 --> 0:08:43.880 same information and instruction. And I never wanted anyone else 0:08:44.520 --> 0:08:47.000 to suffer like that, and that's why I decided to 0:08:47.000 --> 0:08:49.400 write this book. I like your analogy of a man 0:08:49.440 --> 0:08:52.679 as a walking tree that provides coverage to his village. Yes, sir, 0:08:52.800 --> 0:08:56.440 And the title includes the phrase mail versus man? How 0:08:56.480 --> 0:09:00.080 did you define male versus man? So simply put it, 0:09:01.160 --> 0:09:06.120 you know, when we're born, we are either born male 0:09:06.360 --> 0:09:08.800 or female. I know that's even a contract statement to 0:09:08.840 --> 0:09:11.240 make during the time that we live in right now, 0:09:11.480 --> 0:09:14.320 but unfortunately those are the facts as we know them, 0:09:14.320 --> 0:09:19.120 okays on your birth certificate at least now, I think 0:09:19.120 --> 0:09:21.600 they're even doing there, trying to do something different now. 0:09:22.480 --> 0:09:27.600 But on our birth certificates it either said male or female. 0:09:28.559 --> 0:09:32.920 It didn't say man or woman. So, in other words, 0:09:33.040 --> 0:09:38.319 at birth, we were assigned either male or female, or 0:09:38.559 --> 0:09:43.880 earthly assignment was to turn ourselves into either a man 0:09:44.600 --> 0:09:49.320 or a woman, not based on you using your body 0:09:49.440 --> 0:09:54.920 part as a demonstration of your manhood or your womanhood. 0:09:55.600 --> 0:10:00.360 But in fact, your dedication to being of service is 0:10:00.400 --> 0:10:04.600 what actually differentiates you from being a male or a man. 0:10:04.880 --> 0:10:08.960 So simply put, males look to be served. Men look 0:10:09.080 --> 0:10:13.240 to be of service. So I always tell the system 0:10:13.440 --> 0:10:15.400 just that I'm around. You don't have to try to 0:10:15.440 --> 0:10:18.120 guess whether the dude that you're dating is a male 0:10:18.320 --> 0:10:21.760 or a man. He will tell you based on his actions. 0:10:22.280 --> 0:10:28.360 Say that againdre males look to be served while men 0:10:28.520 --> 0:10:32.400 look to be of service. Wow, so watch this a 0:10:32.520 --> 0:10:36.440 guy who sits around waiting for everyone to serve him. 0:10:36.800 --> 0:10:40.800 I'll give you an example. My son at a much 0:10:40.880 --> 0:10:42.800 earlier age. He just turned thirteen. By the way, I 0:10:42.800 --> 0:10:44.640 got two teenagers now. I don't even know how to 0:10:44.679 --> 0:10:51.040 happen anyway. My son now, because every single day he 0:10:51.080 --> 0:10:54.120 gets the messaging of manhood from me, has come a 0:10:54.120 --> 0:10:57.440 long way. I would put my son's manhood up against 0:10:58.840 --> 0:11:01.560 guys who are in their thirties and forties right now 0:11:01.600 --> 0:11:04.720 because he receives this messaging every single day. But when 0:11:04.760 --> 0:11:10.040 he was very young, four or five, six, seven years old, 0:11:10.120 --> 0:11:13.160 all day long, all he would do was yell out 0:11:13.200 --> 0:11:16.600 for my wife, mom, can I have some grapes? Mom? 0:11:16.960 --> 0:11:19.959 Can I have some chips? Mom? Can I have something 0:11:20.000 --> 0:11:24.679 to eat? Looking to be served? Now at that age, 0:11:25.480 --> 0:11:29.440 that is appropriate because he doesn't quite know his assignment 0:11:29.600 --> 0:11:34.920 in life here. But unfortunately, when you don't get someone 0:11:35.000 --> 0:11:39.240 to explain to you what your assignment is, you think 0:11:40.080 --> 0:11:44.319 that it's supposed to be everyone in your environment, everyone 0:11:44.400 --> 0:11:50.400 in your cipher, serving you, when really your assignment on 0:11:50.440 --> 0:11:53.920 this earth as a man is to be of service 0:11:54.360 --> 0:11:58.200 to everyone around you. So, in other words, as a man, 0:11:58.840 --> 0:12:04.959 every woman falls under my covering. So, brother Rodney, when 0:12:04.960 --> 0:12:09.800 your wife, when you're not around, and she is directly 0:12:09.880 --> 0:12:15.080 in my cipher, she now falls under my covering. Every 0:12:15.240 --> 0:12:20.080 child in my cipher falls under my covering, whether they're 0:12:20.080 --> 0:12:24.400 my biological child or not, whether they are my wife 0:12:24.880 --> 0:12:28.720 or not. As a man, if they are in my cipher, 0:12:29.160 --> 0:12:32.160 it is my job to protect and to serve them. 0:12:32.240 --> 0:12:35.120 So males look to be served while men look to 0:12:35.160 --> 0:12:38.880 be of service. There's a gigantic difference between simply being 0:12:38.920 --> 0:12:43.200 a male and being a man. Huge You also spoke 0:12:43.240 --> 0:12:47.120 about creating a calm environment or being the source of 0:12:47.200 --> 0:12:52.760 calm and chaos. How do you suggest that men accomplished 0:12:52.840 --> 0:12:57.360 that you spoke of women typically coming from or acting 0:12:57.440 --> 0:13:02.640 from a place of emotion versus and the need for 0:13:03.400 --> 0:13:08.680 a man to respond from a place of calm. Talk 0:13:08.760 --> 0:13:12.920 to us about that. Yeah, because let me tell you something. Look, 0:13:13.040 --> 0:13:17.880 here's why a male is dangerous when he doesn't understand 0:13:17.920 --> 0:13:25.600 his assignment our chief generator. It's called testosterone. When a 0:13:25.800 --> 0:13:30.720 male doesn't understand his assignment and he is allowing his 0:13:30.840 --> 0:13:35.760 testosterone to guide him through life, he's gonna create a 0:13:35.760 --> 0:13:38.679 lot of babies and a lot of chaos. Mm hmm. 0:13:40.120 --> 0:13:44.080 And those babies are gonna fall under that umbrella of 0:13:44.200 --> 0:13:51.480 chaos and be more chaotic if a woman, look my wife, 0:13:53.040 --> 0:13:55.200 and I say this very tongue in cheek, but there's 0:13:55.240 --> 0:13:58.880 so much truth in it. My wife is allowed to 0:13:59.000 --> 0:14:06.040 be as emotional and as crazy as she wants to be, 0:14:06.760 --> 0:14:10.520 not me. I am the last line of defense in 0:14:10.559 --> 0:14:14.960 this house. So if my wife is emotional one day, 0:14:15.160 --> 0:14:18.160 and sometimes there are some very biological things that are 0:14:18.160 --> 0:14:23.240 happening with her every month that will allow her to 0:14:23.320 --> 0:14:27.600 get outside of who she may be every day to 0:14:27.720 --> 0:14:30.400 show up as her better self. So if she's feeling 0:14:30.480 --> 0:14:35.720 more emotional on this particular day and doesn't allow herself 0:14:36.120 --> 0:14:42.720 to to operate in the best version of herself. There 0:14:42.760 --> 0:14:46.320 are certain things that she can say or do that 0:14:46.440 --> 0:14:53.080 may activate me to respond in kind, but I can't 0:14:53.080 --> 0:14:57.320 do that. I am the leader of my house. Let 0:14:57.320 --> 0:15:01.360 me say this again. I I am the leader of 0:15:01.400 --> 0:15:04.640 my house, not because I tell anybody what to do. 0:15:04.680 --> 0:15:09.200 I want everybody to listen to me very carefully. I 0:15:09.360 --> 0:15:13.400 don't tell anybody in my house what you do. My 0:15:13.400 --> 0:15:16.320 wife is from the South side of Chicago. My wife 0:15:16.360 --> 0:15:20.520 is a proud black woman that is not going to work. 0:15:22.160 --> 0:15:25.680 I don't tell anybody what to do. I show people 0:15:25.680 --> 0:15:29.600 what to do. I am the model that my house mirrors. 0:15:31.080 --> 0:15:35.920 So if my wife raises her voice, if she's acting 0:15:35.960 --> 0:15:39.160 in a way that is a little more emotional, that 0:15:39.400 --> 0:15:43.880 is past the better version of herself. My job is 0:15:43.880 --> 0:15:47.840 to now model for her what I want her the mirror. So, 0:15:47.880 --> 0:15:50.040 in other words, and I talked about this in the book, 0:15:50.040 --> 0:15:52.960 if my life is on dead, my job is to 0:15:53.000 --> 0:15:56.880 be on two. It's extremely difficult to argue with somebody 0:15:56.920 --> 0:16:00.840 if you can't hear them, so she's a doing at him. 0:16:02.400 --> 0:16:05.560 My job is to be here too. I think Rodney 0:16:05.560 --> 0:16:09.640 can relate to that strongly about you know, my wife 0:16:09.720 --> 0:16:12.360 can be like that at time. Student, It's like you said, 0:16:12.360 --> 0:16:15.160 it's my job to model that behavior to bring her 0:16:15.200 --> 0:16:19.400 back to center. Yes, sir, because guess what, that's not 0:16:19.480 --> 0:16:25.200 actually who she is. That's what she's doing, right, Yeah, right, 0:16:25.480 --> 0:16:28.480 that's not actually who she is. My job is to 0:16:28.720 --> 0:16:31.680 first put out the fire. I talked about this in 0:16:31.720 --> 0:16:36.240 the book every Man Is a Firefighter. Yeah, my job 0:16:36.480 --> 0:16:39.880 is to put out fires, not set them, got it. 0:16:40.440 --> 0:16:43.160 So my job is not to be an arsonist. My 0:16:43.320 --> 0:16:45.960 job is to be a firefighter and put them out. 0:16:46.320 --> 0:16:48.680 So my job is to put out her fire first 0:16:49.040 --> 0:16:52.920 and then try to figure out what caused that fire 0:16:53.360 --> 0:16:56.840 and then have a loving discussion about that later on 0:16:57.240 --> 0:16:59.320 so that she can be brought to a level of 0:16:59.360 --> 0:17:05.120 consciousness to maybe avoid going to that space again. That's 0:17:05.160 --> 0:17:08.840 my job. Now. You also talked earlier about how language 0:17:08.880 --> 0:17:14.120 can activate or deactivate, you acknowledging that words you speak 0:17:14.320 --> 0:17:17.560 affect people, how words how the words that you use 0:17:17.680 --> 0:17:20.280 affect the people that you're speaking to. So I want 0:17:20.320 --> 0:17:23.119 you to talk to us about an experience that you 0:17:23.240 --> 0:17:27.480 had when you overheard Sally going over some homework with 0:17:27.560 --> 0:17:30.360 your son, Dre tell us about that and how that 0:17:30.480 --> 0:17:35.760 made you feel. Yeah, you know, it's interesting because words. 0:17:36.320 --> 0:17:39.760 Language is so important, and I'm so glad God could 0:17:39.840 --> 0:17:45.040 not have given me or gifted me a greater gift 0:17:45.800 --> 0:17:50.000 than the gift of language. There are two forms of language, 0:17:50.080 --> 0:17:52.119 in my humble opinion, and I talked about this in 0:17:52.160 --> 0:17:58.560 the book, there's protein and there's Keresin protein language is 0:17:58.600 --> 0:18:01.080 the kind of language that we used to help build 0:18:01.280 --> 0:18:04.119 people up. Kerosene language is the kind of language that 0:18:04.160 --> 0:18:09.680 we used to burn people. Every coach that coaches anything 0:18:09.720 --> 0:18:14.520 in life, whether it's relationships or basketball, for the most part, 0:18:14.640 --> 0:18:20.439 every coach has the same level of knowledge about a 0:18:20.480 --> 0:18:27.200 particular subject. What separates good coaches from great coaches is 0:18:27.240 --> 0:18:32.560 their language. And when they use language protein language that 0:18:32.680 --> 0:18:35.560 helps to build the people up that they're communicating with, 0:18:36.000 --> 0:18:41.200 it makes for a better team. So there is no 0:18:41.320 --> 0:18:44.800 coincidence that there are certain people and I consider myself 0:18:44.840 --> 0:18:47.199 to be the head coach of my team, which is 0:18:47.240 --> 0:18:51.119 my family, because I have the best language. If my 0:18:51.200 --> 0:18:54.920 wife was sitting here right now, she would tell you 0:18:55.320 --> 0:18:59.040 that I am that person in this house. She does 0:18:59.119 --> 0:19:03.239 have great language. But she will absolutely tell you that 0:19:03.359 --> 0:19:06.640 I am the one that gives that kind of protein 0:19:06.720 --> 0:19:10.400 language to both her and our children that allows them 0:19:10.440 --> 0:19:13.679 to come to the better version of themselves. Because I 0:19:13.800 --> 0:19:16.760 have a level of awareness that makes me say, okay, 0:19:16.760 --> 0:19:20.240 wait a minute. I struggle at times. So my job 0:19:20.359 --> 0:19:25.080 is to make sure that I elevate my own sense 0:19:25.200 --> 0:19:29.639 of language and usage of it. Two then gift it 0:19:29.720 --> 0:19:33.199 to my family so that they can allow themselves to 0:19:33.240 --> 0:19:43.800 come to the better versions of themselves. You also came 0:19:43.880 --> 0:19:47.760 up with the five languages of pain, and that really 0:19:48.000 --> 0:19:51.560 resonated with me personally. So what does the what was 0:19:51.600 --> 0:19:56.320 the acronym round? Yes? Indeed, what's so interesting about that 0:19:56.680 --> 0:20:00.960 is when we talk about all of those particular things, 0:20:01.640 --> 0:20:06.520 the language you know of pain, it's so interesting because 0:20:06.600 --> 0:20:08.920 you know, cursing, you know, being one of them. For me, 0:20:09.520 --> 0:20:14.960 I remember growing up in in Brooklyn and cursing was 0:20:15.080 --> 0:20:19.159 like not a first not a second language. It was 0:20:19.200 --> 0:20:22.480 the first lague absolutely. But before you go into all 0:20:22.520 --> 0:20:26.000 of that, don Jay, can't you explain what the acronym 0:20:26.160 --> 0:20:30.000 stands for? What does lucas mean? So when we talk 0:20:30.080 --> 0:20:33.600 about this, and there's some other things that I want 0:20:33.680 --> 0:20:37.680 to bring into the mix of this, right, because it's 0:20:37.680 --> 0:20:41.119 so valuable, and I'm so glad that you guys brought 0:20:41.160 --> 0:20:44.760 it up because it's gonna be valuable to everyone. Right. 0:20:44.880 --> 0:20:48.840 So when we talk about when we talk about lucas, 0:20:49.280 --> 0:20:53.840 when we talk about lusting and unforgiveness and cursing and 0:20:53.960 --> 0:20:57.280 all of those things they talk, we really are dealing 0:20:57.320 --> 0:21:01.520 with all of the things that every ones that society 0:21:01.600 --> 0:21:05.640 gives us that breaks us down as the great communicators 0:21:05.680 --> 0:21:12.880 of life, right, lusting in our relationships. When we talk 0:21:12.960 --> 0:21:16.520 about lusting in our relationships, Lusting can be a great 0:21:16.560 --> 0:21:21.359 thing when it involves us, when it involves our partners, 0:21:22.440 --> 0:21:27.119 But when we extend that lusting outside of our relationships 0:21:28.119 --> 0:21:33.120 and it goes to someone else, it can greatly deteriorate 0:21:33.760 --> 0:21:38.600 everything that happens under our roof. Right. So, as a man, 0:21:39.080 --> 0:21:42.800 my job is to make sure that I grab ahold 0:21:43.000 --> 0:21:45.680 of what my lusting is and make sure that I'm 0:21:45.720 --> 0:21:51.919 only using that within our bedroom. Right, That's extremely important. 0:21:52.480 --> 0:21:57.560 How about the unforgivingness? Right? How often does someone do 0:21:57.720 --> 0:22:05.280 something to you where you say I can't forgive them 0:22:05.400 --> 0:22:11.120 or just carrying resentment? Carrying resentment? Right? Though, who does 0:22:11.160 --> 0:22:14.320 that really hurt because I did this with my own father, 0:22:14.359 --> 0:22:16.200 which is one of the reasons why I wrote this book. 0:22:17.920 --> 0:22:20.520 I did this with my own father from the age 0:22:20.520 --> 0:22:25.879 of six to the age of forty six. My father 0:22:25.920 --> 0:22:28.640 and I were strange from each other because I wouldn't 0:22:28.680 --> 0:22:32.440 forgive him, because that was a part of my own 0:22:32.520 --> 0:22:37.720 pain that I couldn't come up under. I couldn't get 0:22:37.800 --> 0:22:41.280 up from under that. It didn't hurt my father as 0:22:41.400 --> 0:22:43.600 much as it hurt me. So I had to learn 0:22:43.640 --> 0:22:48.560 how to forgive him. Yeah, because right, forgiveness is for you. 0:22:48.840 --> 0:22:52.440 It's not really for the other person. The forgiveness exactly 0:22:52.480 --> 0:22:58.760 for you. It is healing for you, exactly right, Right, 0:22:58.840 --> 0:23:01.800 So if you're talking about that kind of stuff, you're 0:23:01.840 --> 0:23:06.679 talking about healing yourself, then let's deal with cursing. Cursing 0:23:07.760 --> 0:23:10.880 I stopped, boy, let me tell you something. Look, that 0:23:11.040 --> 0:23:14.119 is such a bad What is that? It's just a 0:23:14.160 --> 0:23:16.080 bad I don't want to call it a habit. It's 0:23:16.119 --> 0:23:20.639 as I go straight to cussing somebody else, we go, 0:23:21.200 --> 0:23:24.919 we go straight to it right now. Watch, not to 0:23:25.040 --> 0:23:30.320 shame anyone's not to shame anyone's parents, right, but all 0:23:30.320 --> 0:23:36.000 of our parents did it parents did. My parents did not. Never. 0:23:36.840 --> 0:23:41.200 I never heard my mother or my father use foul language. 0:23:41.240 --> 0:23:43.760 I don't know where I got Okay, so in a minute, okay, 0:23:43.760 --> 0:23:50.480 so ever, where did this come from? With you? Did 0:23:50.480 --> 0:23:53.080 you get that? I think that I got it because 0:23:53.480 --> 0:23:56.760 like you, I was like skinting long hair, and I 0:23:56.800 --> 0:24:00.840 think I used the foul language to make me tough, 0:24:01.359 --> 0:24:06.400 to make me up tough. Yes, you know, don't fun 0:24:08.080 --> 0:24:11.360 right right right? Right now? Watch this? Now, watch this? 0:24:11.440 --> 0:24:15.840 Oh my god, this is so good. You used cursing 0:24:16.000 --> 0:24:22.760 as a device. Yes, what you did was you used 0:24:23.040 --> 0:24:27.880 that in order to send a signal to everyone, first 0:24:27.960 --> 0:24:33.760 and foremost, I'm not light skinned, I'm like you, tough, 0:24:34.000 --> 0:24:36.840 just like you. I'm gonna prove it to you. Look 0:24:36.880 --> 0:24:40.320 at the way I kept right, because they're shame sometimes 0:24:40.400 --> 0:24:45.119 in our communities, there's actually shame for not speaking a 0:24:45.160 --> 0:24:51.640 certain way, for not speaking with particular vernacular. Right. Then, 0:24:51.760 --> 0:24:57.320 what you did was you actually bought into the fact, 0:24:58.200 --> 0:25:03.640 or bought into this notion that made you more acceptable. 0:25:04.760 --> 0:25:09.439 Yeah blacker, right, And you made that your own and 0:25:09.520 --> 0:25:13.360 didn't even realize that you were attacking your own spirit 0:25:13.520 --> 0:25:22.560 by doing it. Wow, so true, No beautiful thing has 0:25:22.640 --> 0:25:28.840 ever been expressed using that language. Wow, that is so true. 0:25:28.920 --> 0:25:32.399 Now watch this, I'll prove it to you. When a 0:25:32.560 --> 0:25:38.119 baby is born and we hold that baby in our arms, 0:25:39.520 --> 0:25:43.320 no one ever holds the baby going oh look at you, 0:25:43.320 --> 0:25:46.840 you beautiful motherful, you are the greatest I've ever seen 0:25:46.920 --> 0:25:50.560 in my life. You never did that in your life. 0:25:52.359 --> 0:25:57.760 You know for a fact that language would violate that. There, 0:25:57.920 --> 0:26:05.080 that baby's very spirit it. Yeah, yeah, right. So what 0:26:05.160 --> 0:26:09.160 we did is in society we learn to use cursing 0:26:09.320 --> 0:26:12.960 as a device. What about the A? What does the 0:26:13.040 --> 0:26:17.920 A stand for? The anger? Right? Right? Anger is extremely important, 0:26:17.960 --> 0:26:25.600 particularly as men. Anger is extremely important for us because 0:26:26.400 --> 0:26:32.440 we generally will be physical first, so our sisters will 0:26:32.480 --> 0:26:37.240 generally be emotional first. We generally will be physical first. 0:26:39.200 --> 0:26:43.640 It's extremely important for us to be in control of 0:26:43.800 --> 0:26:49.359 our anger because we can cause great damage. But you 0:26:49.480 --> 0:26:55.200 also said that anger is a reflection of typically of hurt. 0:26:55.720 --> 0:27:00.720 I'm really in pain. There's something, you know, third up 0:27:00.760 --> 0:27:05.879 in me that I'm releasing through this anger and the 0:27:06.080 --> 0:27:10.520 screaming and the cursing and all of that. It's real 0:27:11.359 --> 0:27:14.680 and it's coming from a place of unresolved pain. Yeah, 0:27:14.720 --> 0:27:17.120 that's exactly right. So if we look at that, right, 0:27:17.600 --> 0:27:20.960 we look at lusting first as the passion of pain. 0:27:22.600 --> 0:27:27.080 We look at unforgiveness as the memory of pain. We 0:27:27.240 --> 0:27:31.600 look at cursing as the vocabulary of pain. Anger is 0:27:31.680 --> 0:27:36.640 the emotion of pain, right. So there's no way for 0:27:36.720 --> 0:27:40.879 me to be angry about anything unless I'm first in 0:27:40.960 --> 0:27:44.119 pain about it. So what I have to do is, 0:27:44.560 --> 0:27:48.240 once I'm angry, I have to examine what is it 0:27:48.280 --> 0:27:52.520 that I'm in pain about, Because as a man, I 0:27:52.560 --> 0:27:58.240 can get everybody in trouble if I'm angry. My job 0:27:58.920 --> 0:28:03.320 is not for me to control my emotion. My job 0:28:03.400 --> 0:28:06.760 is to control my response. So once I figure out 0:28:06.960 --> 0:28:11.080 what my pain is, I can now control how I 0:28:11.240 --> 0:28:16.280 respond to that pain. And that makes sense how a 0:28:16.400 --> 0:28:22.119 sarcasm come in thow? So sarcasm is actually the humor 0:28:22.200 --> 0:28:25.560 of pain. Right. I love that role because whenever we 0:28:25.640 --> 0:28:31.119 sit there and we joke about something, somebody says something 0:28:31.280 --> 0:28:35.080 and they say they make a sarcastic comment to you 0:28:35.440 --> 0:28:41.440 that's really about that particular space of them feeling pain, 0:28:42.040 --> 0:28:46.600