1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:03,279 Speaker 1: I am Yamba. 2 00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:06,440 Speaker 2: I've been very open about the fact that I was 3 00:00:06,559 --> 00:00:10,400 Speaker 2: not always good at making my relationships work. I have 4 00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:13,760 Speaker 2: been divorced three times, twice from the same person. In 5 00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:17,120 Speaker 2: other words, I have seen a lot and failed a 6 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:21,960 Speaker 2: lot in my relationships. So I am here to share 7 00:00:22,079 --> 00:00:24,759 Speaker 2: with you what I learned along the way because I 8 00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:28,280 Speaker 2: did take copious note. Welcome to The R Spot, a 9 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:45,320 Speaker 2: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio blessing In Greetings, 10 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:49,680 Speaker 2: belleved This is the R Spot and I am im 11 00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:53,080 Speaker 2: the van zandt your host, your guide, a teacher for some, 12 00:00:53,479 --> 00:00:58,560 Speaker 2: and a soft place to fall for others. As we explore, examine, 13 00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:03,560 Speaker 2: investigate some of the most common and often mind boggling 14 00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:09,160 Speaker 2: complexities of relationships. I have a guest today. My guest 15 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:14,000 Speaker 2: today is known to his one million listeners as Ace Metaphor. 16 00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:18,399 Speaker 2: He is the host of Tonight's Conversation on YouTube, where 17 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:22,600 Speaker 2: he dives headfirst into some of the most challenging and 18 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:28,240 Speaker 2: common relationship issues and fallacies. He identifies himself as a 19 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:31,479 Speaker 2: bad boy turn good and I want to know exactly 20 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:36,160 Speaker 2: what that means now. What attracted me to Ace were 21 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:38,959 Speaker 2: some of the topics of his shows. He did a 22 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:43,360 Speaker 2: show called do Big Girls Pay More Bills? He did 23 00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:48,160 Speaker 2: another one called True or False Men do not want 24 00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:52,600 Speaker 2: an independent woman? And one of my favorites, the bitter 25 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:56,840 Speaker 2: Baby Daddy, is the deadbeat Daddy. So today I want 26 00:01:56,880 --> 00:02:00,160 Speaker 2: to talk to Ace about everything you and I I 27 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:05,080 Speaker 2: want to know and want to ask a man about relationships. 28 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:12,120 Speaker 2: Ace Metaphor, hostuff Tonight's Conversation, Ace, Welcome to the R Spot. 29 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,520 Speaker 3: I am extremely honored to be here. I appreciate it 30 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:17,640 Speaker 3: so much. Thank you so much for the invite. It 31 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:18,480 Speaker 3: means a lot to me. 32 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:19,640 Speaker 1: You crack me up. 33 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:22,480 Speaker 2: First of all, you are what I call cold water 34 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:26,040 Speaker 2: in your face, which I do sometimes when I'm working 35 00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:27,720 Speaker 2: with people when you got to say the same thing 36 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,480 Speaker 2: over and over. But one of the reasons I want 37 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:32,360 Speaker 2: to talk to you is, first of all, you're a youngest, 38 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:38,600 Speaker 2: whole different generation. We have probably very different experiences of relationships, 39 00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:43,000 Speaker 2: and I really want to examine and explore some of 40 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:46,400 Speaker 2: your concepts and the things that you say, because many 41 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:50,360 Speaker 2: of the things that you said say in your conversation 42 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:53,720 Speaker 2: I need to hear as an elder. I want to 43 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:56,840 Speaker 2: start here, though you said in your bio it says 44 00:02:56,919 --> 00:03:01,320 Speaker 2: I'm a former bad guy turn in to a good guy. 45 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:04,000 Speaker 2: Tell me what a bad guy is. 46 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:05,560 Speaker 4: You know what? 47 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,680 Speaker 3: Honestly, because I get asked that question a lot. I 48 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:11,280 Speaker 3: need to change my bio because I'm getting sick of 49 00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:15,120 Speaker 3: that quick no, but no, really, when I talk about 50 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:18,480 Speaker 3: the things that I want people to take heed to, 51 00:03:18,639 --> 00:03:22,800 Speaker 3: it's from personal experience of being this type of man, 52 00:03:22,919 --> 00:03:27,600 Speaker 3: being somebody younger who wasn't very intentional, through dating someone 53 00:03:27,639 --> 00:03:30,960 Speaker 3: that was crafty with words, that was able to omit things, 54 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,840 Speaker 3: but lead you to believe that I was. 55 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:34,440 Speaker 4: Actually interested in relationships. 56 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:37,120 Speaker 3: So although I've gotten to this place where I've matured 57 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:40,200 Speaker 3: as a man and learned self restraint in boundaries, which 58 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:43,839 Speaker 3: is oddly important to learn as an adult. Before, though 59 00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:47,000 Speaker 3: I didn't necessarily have that, I turned myself bad in 60 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:51,520 Speaker 3: terms of relationships, and even deeper than that situationships. There 61 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:54,440 Speaker 3: were so many women when I was going through that 62 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:57,240 Speaker 3: phase that I led on. I was that good guy 63 00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:01,720 Speaker 3: on paper, so obviously had attention, but I didn't have 64 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:06,880 Speaker 3: intention on doing anything other than to be honest wasting time. Now, 65 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:09,680 Speaker 3: I think, in self reflection, if I was forthcoming about 66 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:11,600 Speaker 3: my intentions and I was an open book and I 67 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:13,880 Speaker 3: let people know exactly what I wanted to do and 68 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:16,720 Speaker 3: what I expected it'd be different. But being twenty three, 69 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:18,560 Speaker 3: twenty four to twenty five, I did none of that. 70 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:20,839 Speaker 3: But when I say bad, God mean in terms of that. 71 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:25,600 Speaker 2: So you were careless with people's hearts for sure. You 72 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:29,839 Speaker 2: were out of integrity with the people you went relationships with. 73 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,120 Speaker 1: You were dishonest. 74 00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:35,800 Speaker 2: And I'm saying these things not to retraumatize you, but 75 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,680 Speaker 2: are you good to let me know some of. 76 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,240 Speaker 1: The things that we need to look for? 77 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:42,880 Speaker 2: So as I go through your videos, a couple of 78 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,200 Speaker 2: things that you said that I was like, oh my god, 79 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:47,280 Speaker 2: we need to just put that in a cracker and 80 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:47,720 Speaker 2: sell it. 81 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:52,240 Speaker 1: Let's talk about standards, yes, because. 82 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:53,920 Speaker 2: That's one of the things we talk about, and that's 83 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,600 Speaker 2: one of the things women have. And he don't live 84 00:04:56,680 --> 00:05:02,799 Speaker 2: up to my standards or lowers because that's what's available 85 00:05:02,839 --> 00:05:03,000 Speaker 2: to it. 86 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:05,440 Speaker 1: So talk to us from a man's point of view 87 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:06,440 Speaker 1: about standards. 88 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:10,320 Speaker 3: You know what this is a it's a tricky conversation, yes, 89 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:16,279 Speaker 3: because people have different definitions of what standards actually mean. So, 90 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,520 Speaker 3: like you have a pocket of people that think standards 91 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:22,560 Speaker 3: are life lofty financial goals, what somebody looks like, and 92 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:25,720 Speaker 3: that can be a I call that preferences, but to 93 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:29,400 Speaker 3: some people, that's a finite stand okay for me. When 94 00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:32,800 Speaker 3: you think about relationships, one of the first standards I 95 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:36,320 Speaker 3: think we should negotiate on is how someone treats us, 96 00:05:36,839 --> 00:05:39,120 Speaker 3: Because you can be in some with somebody who has 97 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:42,160 Speaker 3: all these things on paper, but they treat you horribly 98 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:45,000 Speaker 3: and so then you're still settling. So when it comes 99 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:48,960 Speaker 3: to standards, it's how someone treats you, how they show 100 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,840 Speaker 3: up for you, what person do they bring out of you? 101 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:53,839 Speaker 3: Do they bring the best out of you or the 102 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:56,880 Speaker 3: worst out of you? Is this person understanding? And so 103 00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,440 Speaker 3: those are the things that I think we shouldn't negotiate on, 104 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,960 Speaker 3: but often times we will because some of our preferences 105 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:05,919 Speaker 3: are a little bit more shiny. It's easier to be 106 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:09,120 Speaker 3: attracted to the shiny things, so we get distracted. 107 00:06:09,279 --> 00:06:10,960 Speaker 4: So that's how we define it. 108 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:15,560 Speaker 1: I totally agree. I think the standards is one thing. 109 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:19,640 Speaker 2: Preferences is another. But there are so many women who 110 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:25,960 Speaker 2: don't want to be alone, so they overlook their standards. 111 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,400 Speaker 2: And when you did that YouTube video, I put a 112 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:32,640 Speaker 2: comment in the thread that said, so many women have 113 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:37,279 Speaker 2: been treated so poorly for so long they don't even 114 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:41,200 Speaker 2: know what good treatment talks about. How do you, as 115 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:45,000 Speaker 2: a man, or how do men learn what it means 116 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:48,520 Speaker 2: or what it is to treat someone good. 117 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:51,080 Speaker 3: So I can only speak for myself, and I'm gonna 118 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:55,559 Speaker 3: give you a cold, honest answer. Most times men learn 119 00:06:56,000 --> 00:07:00,400 Speaker 3: through fumbling the right woman, it's unfortunately, because you should 120 00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:03,760 Speaker 3: learn by, you know, educate yourself, picking up a book, 121 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,479 Speaker 3: maybe going to a seminar, maybe talking to a professional, 122 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:12,320 Speaker 3: not watching dad. So here's the thing though, But dads 123 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:15,640 Speaker 3: wasn't around. So for a lot of us, we didn't 124 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:19,600 Speaker 3: grow up in household seeing productive relationships. We didn't even 125 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:23,120 Speaker 3: grow up in household with that quote unquote masculine structure 126 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:27,120 Speaker 3: and discipline, and oftentimes a lot of us were enabled 127 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,680 Speaker 3: by our mothers. So here we are, we have this. 128 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,320 Speaker 2: Wait a minute, a minute, Wait a minute, a minute, 129 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:36,480 Speaker 2: Wait a minute, hold up, talk to me about mothers 130 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,480 Speaker 2: enabling their sons. 131 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,480 Speaker 3: For sure, it's so many times that I feel like, 132 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:44,160 Speaker 3: and I can speak from my personal experience, that my 133 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:47,400 Speaker 3: mother made excuses for me. My mother was an avid 134 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,080 Speaker 3: defender of me, even when I was wrong. My mother 135 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:52,559 Speaker 3: did cook and clean and make sure I had without 136 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:56,040 Speaker 3: and I was the quote unquote man of the house 137 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:59,360 Speaker 3: as a young boy, and so these this complex that 138 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:03,360 Speaker 3: I developed now going into dating, I expected people to 139 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:06,080 Speaker 3: treat me like my mother did right, to have this 140 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:09,920 Speaker 3: unwavering belief that whatever I said was true, no matter 141 00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:14,840 Speaker 3: against the evidence. Right this, I hate this word, but 142 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:18,080 Speaker 3: I'm gonna say it just for the mama's boying of 143 00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:20,280 Speaker 3: young men, because I think about it, like, if you 144 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:23,520 Speaker 3: really this single mother and best believe, I believe they 145 00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:25,600 Speaker 3: do the best that they can. And we're not going 146 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:29,000 Speaker 3: to excuse aptin fathers. But then the absence of a father, 147 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:33,280 Speaker 3: behaviors happened between mothers and sons that wouldn't happen if 148 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,599 Speaker 3: a father was there. If a father was there, you 149 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,480 Speaker 3: wouldn't call that son the mother of the man of 150 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:40,960 Speaker 3: the house if a father was there. It's certain certain affections, 151 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,040 Speaker 3: which I'm not going to say is inappropriate, but certain 152 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:47,520 Speaker 3: affections that probably wouldn't happen as much and maybe less excuses. 153 00:08:47,559 --> 00:08:51,000 Speaker 3: So this happens, and then when we get adults, because 154 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,800 Speaker 3: we didn't have that role model to look for, and 155 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,320 Speaker 3: then we had this understanding that people are supposed to 156 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:59,080 Speaker 3: love is like our mother. Now, we put our girlfriends 157 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:01,280 Speaker 3: and the people that we are interested in through the 158 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,920 Speaker 3: same gauntlet that we put our mothers, and we expect 159 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:07,680 Speaker 3: them to love us unconditionally the same way our mothers did, 160 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:09,640 Speaker 3: despite how we treat them. You know what I mean, 161 00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:11,600 Speaker 3: Because ain't nobody gonna love you like your mother no 162 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:15,000 Speaker 3: matter how wrong you are, She's still gonna love you absolutely. Yeah, 163 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,720 Speaker 3: And we expect sometimes that are the women in our 164 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:20,520 Speaker 3: lives do the same thing. And that's an unreasonable expectation 165 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:20,800 Speaker 3: to have. 166 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,640 Speaker 2: So let me clean this up, because I know all 167 00:09:24,679 --> 00:09:27,320 Speaker 2: the single mothers out there right now are clutching their 168 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:31,840 Speaker 2: pearlshment on the floor. So let me say it. Let 169 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:33,920 Speaker 2: me clean it up, and then we'll go on to 170 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:37,400 Speaker 2: the next thing. He is not making you wrong, He 171 00:09:37,559 --> 00:09:42,680 Speaker 2: is not making you bad. Mothers. Hear what is being said. 172 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:48,200 Speaker 2: As a man raised by a single mom. He is 173 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:53,120 Speaker 2: saying that he was enabled in behaviors as a young 174 00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:56,839 Speaker 2: man that don't work in relationship, that what he has 175 00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:59,360 Speaker 2: to say is always right. He has made the man 176 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,800 Speaker 2: before he was ready or I had the skills or 177 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,960 Speaker 2: tools to do that. This is not saying that you're wrong, 178 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:10,360 Speaker 2: mother's It's just saying that even at our best, there 179 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:14,280 Speaker 2: are things that our sons need that they don't get 180 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:18,679 Speaker 2: that then show up as bad behaviors in relationship. Now, 181 00:10:18,679 --> 00:10:22,800 Speaker 2: that's what he said. This is what I'm saying. Very often, 182 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:27,160 Speaker 2: when the father isn't in the home, the mother makes 183 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:31,680 Speaker 2: the son her emotional husband. She looks to him to 184 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,840 Speaker 2: make her feel good, to make her proud. Let me 185 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:37,160 Speaker 2: speak for myself. I had a son. I was a 186 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,880 Speaker 2: sixteen year old mom, and I was going to prove 187 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,280 Speaker 2: to everybody that I wasn't just another teenage mom. So 188 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:45,640 Speaker 2: he had to look a certain way, walk a certain way, 189 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:48,480 Speaker 2: talk a certain way, be a certain way. I beat 190 00:10:48,559 --> 00:10:50,839 Speaker 2: him up about some things and let him get away 191 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:54,680 Speaker 2: with other things because he was my emotional husband. So 192 00:10:55,320 --> 00:11:00,000 Speaker 2: what I want us to hear as women is sometimes 193 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:04,440 Speaker 2: times our best efforts and our deep love still shows 194 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:09,720 Speaker 2: up for our sons as disfunctional behavior. So does that 195 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:10,400 Speaker 2: land for you? 196 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:11,760 Speaker 4: I believe it does. 197 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:16,800 Speaker 2: Okay, let me ask you this. Who is the woman 198 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:20,120 Speaker 2: you did the fumble with? What happened in there? And 199 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:22,079 Speaker 2: how did you lose her? Did you walk away? Did 200 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,960 Speaker 2: she walk away as you're fumbling around trying to figure 201 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,120 Speaker 2: out what to do. 202 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:30,480 Speaker 4: You know what did it multiple times, so we had 203 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:32,040 Speaker 4: to just narrow down which one we do. 204 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:38,200 Speaker 3: I would say collectively, though, I would say the biggest 205 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:42,240 Speaker 3: fumble that I had it wasn't because I actually needed 206 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:45,000 Speaker 3: to be with this one. We were in twenty twenty one, 207 00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:47,960 Speaker 3: twenty two. We didn't need to be with nobody. In 208 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,880 Speaker 3: my opinion at that age. You know what I'm saying, 209 00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:53,880 Speaker 3: You're still immature, and I grew up very religious, and 210 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:57,120 Speaker 3: I was now finding my own autonomy outside of that, 211 00:11:57,679 --> 00:11:59,720 Speaker 3: so it was a little difficult for me to adjust 212 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:02,640 Speaker 3: who I was as an individual. But I would ultimately 213 00:12:02,679 --> 00:12:07,000 Speaker 3: say the biggest fumble is because now I live with regret. 214 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:09,839 Speaker 3: I can't go back and fix you know what I'm saying, 215 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,959 Speaker 3: You know how you got survivor's remorse. I feel like 216 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:16,120 Speaker 3: I'm doing really good now, so I'm happy that I 217 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,960 Speaker 3: made my mistakes, but I know that that doesn't make 218 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:22,760 Speaker 3: people feel good in which I made mistakes against I 219 00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:24,600 Speaker 3: wish I could go back and still be the same 220 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:27,320 Speaker 3: person I am now without those mistakes, but I can't. 221 00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:31,640 Speaker 2: Your lab rats, yeah they did what I you know, 222 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:36,200 Speaker 2: my work, which is forgiveness work. Because I was a laborrat. Okay, 223 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:40,240 Speaker 2: so we got single moms. We still make mistakes, and 224 00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:45,640 Speaker 2: it's important in a relationship mother, son, husband, wife, wife, 225 00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:49,640 Speaker 2: whatever it is that we understand even if we have 226 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:53,840 Speaker 2: the best of intentions, we're still accountable to the outcome. 227 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,800 Speaker 2: And that's what I hear you say that you can't 228 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,679 Speaker 2: go back and clean it up with your lab. 229 00:12:58,559 --> 00:13:03,520 Speaker 3: Rat, and let me tell you something. It and it's 230 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:07,520 Speaker 3: not just a specific person. It's a period in time 231 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:12,280 Speaker 3: where I made multiple mistakes. And as much as I 232 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:14,920 Speaker 3: can go back and rationale, hey, I was young, or 233 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,400 Speaker 3: I was depressed, or I was doing this from that 234 00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:22,400 Speaker 3: in the moment when you gave about that, even after 235 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:25,840 Speaker 3: you've gotten over it, it still feels bad because it's 236 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:27,600 Speaker 3: not like sometimes you can go back and get that 237 00:13:27,679 --> 00:13:29,760 Speaker 3: closure that everybody be searching for, right, you can go 238 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:32,240 Speaker 3: back to that person you did wrong and they're gonna 239 00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,240 Speaker 3: listen to you, and you're gonna be like, hey man, 240 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:37,160 Speaker 3: I'm sorry. Sometimes you don't get that. Sometimes you get 241 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:40,520 Speaker 3: it ended and we never talked again, and you have 242 00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:43,080 Speaker 3: to find your own closure from that, and that's a 243 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:46,720 Speaker 3: struggle sometimes when you admit to yourself, I'm not the 244 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:49,280 Speaker 3: same person I used to be, but maybe they still 245 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,960 Speaker 3: think I am. And you care so much about trying 246 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,760 Speaker 3: to go back and change their perception of you, because 247 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,640 Speaker 3: here they are stuck in twenty ten and now you're 248 00:13:57,640 --> 00:14:00,280 Speaker 3: living in twenty twenty three, and now they watch your 249 00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:03,200 Speaker 3: videos online and they like, man, he ain't about that life, 250 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,560 Speaker 3: and so it's a struggle. So if I could go 251 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:08,640 Speaker 3: back and give myself advice, which you can't, but I 252 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:13,600 Speaker 3: wish you could, my advice would simply be treat people 253 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:16,400 Speaker 3: the way you want to be treated. And let me 254 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,640 Speaker 3: tell you this, we hear that all the time, but 255 00:14:18,679 --> 00:14:20,800 Speaker 3: it would be like for real dog because here's the thing. 256 00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:22,680 Speaker 3: I heard that from so many adults in my life, 257 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:24,880 Speaker 3: but I ain't listen to them. But I guarantee if 258 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:26,920 Speaker 3: I could listen to my older self say that, I 259 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:27,680 Speaker 3: probably would. 260 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:28,200 Speaker 4: But I can't. 261 00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:30,280 Speaker 3: But I wanted to answer a question you said you 262 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:33,840 Speaker 3: asked though earlier, if I may, You asked, how do 263 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:38,880 Speaker 3: men learn or where's that transition into becoming a better person? 264 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:43,040 Speaker 3: And I said, oftentimes it's because you fumble the woman 265 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:44,120 Speaker 3: in which. 266 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:48,320 Speaker 4: Was right for you. You know what I mean? Too often. 267 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,320 Speaker 3: Let me tell you something, too often in my life, 268 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:53,440 Speaker 3: I was so used of women just forgiving me and 269 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:56,400 Speaker 3: giving me second and third and fourth and fifth chances 270 00:14:56,760 --> 00:15:00,320 Speaker 3: that it was an actual shock when somebody left and 271 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:07,120 Speaker 3: stayed away and that hold odo you really leaving like 272 00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:10,200 Speaker 3: it was a shock because at that point there was 273 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,680 Speaker 3: never real consequences for my behavior. 274 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:15,320 Speaker 4: And so the pain. 275 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:18,320 Speaker 3: And I'll say this, and I don't want to do 276 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:23,240 Speaker 3: the struggle Olympics, but I really believe that men put 277 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:25,600 Speaker 3: on a pison like we don't be hurting after breakup, 278 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:28,080 Speaker 3: but we'd be hurt. I could just speak for myself, 279 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:31,600 Speaker 3: and that's a pain that I never want to happen again. 280 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:35,320 Speaker 3: Because of that, I was really intentional about my healing 281 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,000 Speaker 3: and I was making sure that hey, listen, if I 282 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,080 Speaker 3: do like somebody in the future, if I do want 283 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:41,640 Speaker 3: a relationship, I'm ready. 284 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:43,360 Speaker 4: I'm in a relationship now. 285 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,040 Speaker 3: But it took ten years from my first relationship to 286 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:49,040 Speaker 3: my next relationship. It was a ten year gap, and 287 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:52,320 Speaker 3: that gap I learned myself. I created a nest, I 288 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:55,520 Speaker 3: created skills, but most importantly, I became a better person 289 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:58,120 Speaker 3: than a person that I'm proud of. But it's only 290 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:02,520 Speaker 3: because I learned my lesson from fumbling and breaking the heart. 291 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:06,600 Speaker 3: And unfortunately there's so many guys that are learning their 292 00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:09,920 Speaker 3: lesson how to treat a woman right from breaking another woman, 293 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,160 Speaker 3: and that I wish it was a way for that 294 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:14,360 Speaker 3: not to happen, But that's what's happening out here. 295 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:17,480 Speaker 2: This is loaded here. So I want to backpedal just 296 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:20,320 Speaker 2: a little bit. They forgive me the third, the fourth, 297 00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:24,840 Speaker 2: the fifth time. Let's talk about that from a man's perspective, 298 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:28,880 Speaker 2: because as women sometimes I think we want it so 299 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:33,600 Speaker 2: badly and we bank on something you said don't bank on, 300 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:35,920 Speaker 2: which I say, don't bank on, which is potential? 301 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,720 Speaker 1: When is enough? When do we have to say no? 302 00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:42,360 Speaker 2: Is it the first time? The second time? See, I'm 303 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:46,000 Speaker 2: a first time verson? Yeah, when is enough enough? 304 00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:48,240 Speaker 3: You're right, you are a first time person, and it's 305 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:50,360 Speaker 3: a lot of women and men, but we're talking about 306 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:53,120 Speaker 3: women that believe that they're first time people too. But 307 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:56,560 Speaker 3: then there's the right guy or wrong guy come alone 308 00:16:57,280 --> 00:17:00,920 Speaker 3: and this man, to your point, maybe he doesn't have 309 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,720 Speaker 3: the potential. Maybe it's not the potential you like. Maybe 310 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:09,800 Speaker 3: he's actually this ambitious person, Maybe he actually is a 311 00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:13,120 Speaker 3: person that has a good reputation with everybody else. Maybe 312 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:15,720 Speaker 3: he is on his square. He's a protector and a provider, 313 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:18,360 Speaker 3: and maybe he's so different than of the other men 314 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:21,720 Speaker 3: that you have met on paper that you're willing to 315 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:26,040 Speaker 3: be more than the one time girl, because you've been taught. Hey, listen, 316 00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:29,320 Speaker 3: he's quote unquote high value. He may make a mistake 317 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,920 Speaker 3: here and there. Girl, You lucky to be with him. 318 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:33,960 Speaker 3: He paying the bills, he doing this. You know how 319 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,160 Speaker 3: hard it is with these men. So then you convince 320 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:39,280 Speaker 3: yourself to Hey, if I leave this guy, when it 321 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,439 Speaker 3: took me thirty four years to meet a guy like this, 322 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:42,880 Speaker 3: when the next time I'm going to meet a man 323 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,040 Speaker 3: like that. And here's the thing, me and it got 324 00:17:45,119 --> 00:17:48,720 Speaker 3: something going for him. They know that too. They know 325 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:52,280 Speaker 3: that too. And the behaviors in which happened in relationships 326 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:54,520 Speaker 3: prior to them leads them believe that, no, if I 327 00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:57,000 Speaker 3: cheat on you, you won't go because I've cheated before and 328 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,359 Speaker 3: they didn't go the first time or the second time. 329 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:00,720 Speaker 4: And here's the thing. 330 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:04,080 Speaker 3: The things that a lot of women are attracted to charisma, right, 331 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:07,120 Speaker 3: that's the thing that some women are attracted to. Some 332 00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:09,199 Speaker 3: people are charismatic, when they're trying to get you to 333 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,920 Speaker 3: forgive them too. They can use these words, Hey, baby, 334 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,240 Speaker 3: it ain't gonna happen again. I got you. You can 335 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:17,280 Speaker 3: trust me, believe in me. Have I ever steered you wrong? 336 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,879 Speaker 3: Outside of this blah blah blah and that person talks 337 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,200 Speaker 3: you out of your decisions. I guess what I'm saying 338 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:27,600 Speaker 3: is I can understand while women give three, four chances, 339 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:30,560 Speaker 3: five chances. I can understand it. Though I feel like 340 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,639 Speaker 3: it's unwise, I can understand it. 341 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,399 Speaker 2: I hear you, and I hear it all the time. 342 00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:38,959 Speaker 2: I see it all the time. I believe instead of 343 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:43,560 Speaker 2: trying to manufacture the CARO work the prevention. 344 00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:44,200 Speaker 4: Yeah. 345 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:46,680 Speaker 2: And one of the ways I tell women you can 346 00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:50,640 Speaker 2: prevent that is know who he is before you introduce 347 00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:54,240 Speaker 2: him to the huha. Yeah, and then the huhas all 348 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:59,679 Speaker 2: attracted and attached. My first you know, preventive is a 349 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:02,360 Speaker 2: good to his mother. I want to know if he's 350 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,680 Speaker 2: a man of his word? Does he show up on time, 351 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,679 Speaker 2: does he do what he's going to say? Does he 352 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:09,160 Speaker 2: give me a bunch of excuses? And see I want 353 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:12,400 Speaker 2: to know this before he meets the hoho ha, before 354 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:16,720 Speaker 2: he sees her a sniffer or any of that. Does 355 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:20,480 Speaker 2: he have a vision for himself? Because if I want 356 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:23,160 Speaker 2: him to be the leader, if I want to follow him, 357 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:26,000 Speaker 2: he can't be walking around blindly. 358 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,840 Speaker 1: And for me, this is me. I know a lot 359 00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:30,159 Speaker 1: of you young and don't have it. 360 00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:32,760 Speaker 2: I want to know if he has a relationship with God, 361 00:19:33,119 --> 00:19:37,120 Speaker 2: something bigger, grander than himself. Now he got to know. 362 00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:38,960 Speaker 2: I got to know all of that before I give 363 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:41,640 Speaker 2: him the huha. So if he's willing to hang out, 364 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:43,920 Speaker 2: whether you do the ninety day rule or the one 365 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,800 Speaker 2: twenty day rule, before you do, I need. 366 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:47,800 Speaker 1: To know that. 367 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,040 Speaker 3: That's if you're dating from a place of self worth, 368 00:19:50,359 --> 00:19:54,280 Speaker 3: okay and self confidence, because some people not. 369 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:56,480 Speaker 4: And let me tell you what the issue is. The 370 00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,200 Speaker 4: issue is you. 371 00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:01,160 Speaker 3: May make a man way ninety days, but she won't 372 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:06,280 Speaker 3: and she won't and so your competition doesn't hold the 373 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:09,440 Speaker 3: same standard as you. So what happens is you may 374 00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:11,480 Speaker 3: come in and this is what I've heard, I don't experience. 375 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:13,840 Speaker 3: You know why as a man, I just never felt 376 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,399 Speaker 3: like it was a lack of options of women. I 377 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,640 Speaker 3: just feel like it's an abundance. But the opposite way 378 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,600 Speaker 3: out is like you're dating from a scarcity mindset, because 379 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,840 Speaker 3: you're like, Okay, this is a man I know gets 380 00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:26,200 Speaker 3: attention and I want to keep it. 381 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:27,600 Speaker 4: I want to keep it. 382 00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:31,080 Speaker 3: So it influences women if you're not dating from a 383 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,640 Speaker 3: place of self worth and self confidence to maybe give 384 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,479 Speaker 3: up the hupah a little bit sooner to keep his attention. 385 00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:39,199 Speaker 3: And it's a lot of women doing that. 386 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:51,400 Speaker 2: We'll talk about that right after the break. Welcome back 387 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:54,600 Speaker 2: to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. 388 00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:57,080 Speaker 1: You are dropping gems. 389 00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:59,639 Speaker 2: I want to summarize them for people who may be 390 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:04,280 Speaker 2: coming in date from a place of self confidence and 391 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:07,639 Speaker 2: self worth. Yeah, make sure that you're not being a 392 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:14,000 Speaker 2: lab rat trying to figure out what to do. You 393 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:18,800 Speaker 2: don't want to be a lab rat. Mom's raising sons, 394 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:25,200 Speaker 2: This is from me. Don't make your son your emotional husband. 395 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:29,119 Speaker 2: And this is from Ace if I heard you correctly. 396 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:33,560 Speaker 2: You have to teach him how to be who he 397 00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:39,640 Speaker 2: is without teaching him that who he is just as 398 00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:42,560 Speaker 2: he is going to be acceptable to everybody. Because we 399 00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:45,359 Speaker 2: see our son, his breath, don't sting, his feet, don't sting. 400 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:47,679 Speaker 2: I have to pick up behind him, I have to 401 00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:51,440 Speaker 2: cook his food. Let me so don't think that how 402 00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:54,160 Speaker 2: you see him and hold him as a single mom 403 00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:56,680 Speaker 2: is the same way other people are going to see him. 404 00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:59,600 Speaker 1: And hold him. This is something you said on one 405 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:02,199 Speaker 1: of your ason I want to talk to you about it. 406 00:22:03,359 --> 00:22:07,800 Speaker 2: You said that when your light is intimidating to a man, 407 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:12,320 Speaker 2: then he's not the man for you. Because the reality 408 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:16,119 Speaker 2: is so many women have advanced in their education, have 409 00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:20,520 Speaker 2: advanced in their career, and they're trying to find a 410 00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:23,960 Speaker 2: male partner. And let me say this too, this particular show, 411 00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:27,159 Speaker 2: we're talking about men and women because Ace is a 412 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:30,000 Speaker 2: man and I'm a woman. I am not excluding same 413 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,680 Speaker 2: sex relationships and any of this stuff that. 414 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:33,439 Speaker 1: Applies to you. 415 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:37,040 Speaker 2: We all crazy as hell, subject to lose our minds 416 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:40,200 Speaker 2: at any moment. So I love that when you said, 417 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:44,080 Speaker 2: if your light is intimidating to him, then he's not 418 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:46,400 Speaker 2: the one for you. Let's talk about that a little bit. 419 00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:49,520 Speaker 3: Yes, if I could tell you how many times a 420 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:53,280 Speaker 3: woman has came to the microphone at our shows and 421 00:22:53,359 --> 00:22:57,840 Speaker 3: talked about intimidation. But instead of it seeing it as 422 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:01,719 Speaker 3: a sign that this person, this particular person, we can 423 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,280 Speaker 3: judge his morality. We can say that's good, bad, or 424 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,760 Speaker 3: and different that he feels intimate, but this person feels 425 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:10,199 Speaker 3: intimidated by you. Instead of saying, okay, this is not 426 00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:14,040 Speaker 3: my person. See here's the thing. There is a person 427 00:23:14,119 --> 00:23:18,040 Speaker 3: for you that will embrace all the things this person 428 00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:21,239 Speaker 3: is saying is intimidating. But instead of doing that, what 429 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,400 Speaker 3: we do is force to fit. And what we do 430 00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:26,240 Speaker 3: is say, let me deal my lights so they feel 431 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:29,520 Speaker 3: more comfortable. Firstly, we don't realize that dating is just 432 00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:33,000 Speaker 3: that it's dating to see if something is right or 433 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:36,119 Speaker 3: wrong for us. And before we start dating, we have 434 00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:39,919 Speaker 3: to be okay with either result because either result is 435 00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:42,399 Speaker 3: in a successful dating thing. So I'm dating you to 436 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:45,160 Speaker 3: see if you're right or wrong for me if someone 437 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:48,680 Speaker 3: is intimidated by you in a relationship, regardless what the 438 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,199 Speaker 3: reason is. Right now, we can talk. We're gonna talk 439 00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:54,800 Speaker 3: about reasons in a second. But what happens is sometimes 440 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:58,640 Speaker 3: that can foster jealousy inside of a relationship. It can 441 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:02,080 Speaker 3: foster I feel like you're trying to minimize me. So 442 00:24:02,119 --> 00:24:03,760 Speaker 3: now what I have to do is puff up my 443 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:06,520 Speaker 3: chest a little bit more. And I guess what I'm 444 00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:09,879 Speaker 3: saying is instead of recognizing that even though you like 445 00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:13,680 Speaker 3: this man, he's not right for you and moving on. 446 00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:16,840 Speaker 3: There are some people that's tempted to dim And let 447 00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:19,800 Speaker 3: me say this, and I want to add this caveat 448 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,520 Speaker 3: your life though, and I know I'm about to make 449 00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:25,639 Speaker 3: people mad. Is not your degree. 450 00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:26,280 Speaker 1: Break that deck. 451 00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:29,120 Speaker 3: And this is from my personal opinion. There's so many 452 00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:31,320 Speaker 3: women they come to the microphone and they say I'm 453 00:24:31,359 --> 00:24:34,840 Speaker 3: a good woman because I got a degree, I got 454 00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:37,280 Speaker 3: a house, I have a car. It is the same 455 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:40,640 Speaker 3: starter pack of And it's like, how does that make 456 00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:43,400 Speaker 3: you a good woman. How many men think that they're 457 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:45,680 Speaker 3: good men simply because they have a high paying job, 458 00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:47,399 Speaker 3: they got a car, and they got a house. And 459 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:49,879 Speaker 3: we know that they're horrible people. So if you defining 460 00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:53,160 Speaker 3: yourself as being a good woman because of these accolades 461 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,600 Speaker 3: you have, you didn't say that you're caring, that you're 462 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:59,479 Speaker 3: a great listener, that you are a supportive partner, that 463 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:02,720 Speaker 3: you're welling to contribute. You don't say those things and 464 00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:05,119 Speaker 3: define yourself that you got a good heart and you 465 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:07,160 Speaker 3: say that makes me a good woman. So a lot 466 00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:08,520 Speaker 3: of times, and this is the part that I know 467 00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:11,320 Speaker 3: people gonna disagree with. A lot of times, men aren't 468 00:25:11,359 --> 00:25:17,160 Speaker 3: necessarily intimidated. They're just turned off because you're describing yourself 469 00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:20,200 Speaker 3: by your accolades. Now I get it, it's important, it's 470 00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:23,840 Speaker 3: part of the conversation. But I'm looking for a partner, 471 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:27,880 Speaker 3: not an individual player. You're telling me your individual statistics. 472 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:29,639 Speaker 3: I'm dating you to see if you can be a 473 00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:32,840 Speaker 3: partner for me. What I encourage women and men to do, 474 00:25:33,119 --> 00:25:35,720 Speaker 3: because as much as women lead with they accolades, men 475 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:38,440 Speaker 3: do it ten times is worse. What I encourage people 476 00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:41,640 Speaker 3: to do is find who you are outside of what 477 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:44,680 Speaker 3: you do for a living. Now, I know that's difficult. 478 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:47,600 Speaker 3: I know it's difficult because we spend ten years in college, 479 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:50,440 Speaker 3: we spend forty hours or fifty hours at our job. 480 00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:54,600 Speaker 3: But I'm concerned about learning about you. How you laugh, 481 00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:58,000 Speaker 3: what makes you laugh, When do you show up to 482 00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:00,600 Speaker 3: this relationship. Where are you willing to invest to it? 483 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:03,119 Speaker 3: Are you caring? Are you loving? Do you want children? 484 00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:05,040 Speaker 3: These are things that we should highlight. And so I 485 00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:07,600 Speaker 3: guess what I'm saying is, now, if you're doing that 486 00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:10,200 Speaker 3: and that man is still intimidated, he probably not the 487 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:10,960 Speaker 3: right person for you. 488 00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:11,879 Speaker 4: Be honest. 489 00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:15,760 Speaker 2: I hear them all the emails they sent me, But 490 00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:18,920 Speaker 2: I did that. I was caring to him, and he 491 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:22,800 Speaker 2: lost his job. I held it down, and he's still cheated, 492 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:24,199 Speaker 2: and he still left me. 493 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:25,560 Speaker 1: What do you say to that? 494 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:30,000 Speaker 2: If she is caring, he is supportive, and she does 495 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:34,160 Speaker 2: show up in a partnership and in a very affirmative 496 00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:37,600 Speaker 2: and loving way, and he's still cheats and he's still live. 497 00:26:38,119 --> 00:26:41,120 Speaker 3: Being all those things you described, it's still not an 498 00:26:41,119 --> 00:26:45,240 Speaker 3: excuse to not enforce your boundaries. You can kindly enforce 499 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:48,359 Speaker 3: your boundaries. You can, with an honest heart, walk away 500 00:26:48,359 --> 00:26:51,680 Speaker 3: from somebody that's toxic. And so my point is some 501 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:56,000 Speaker 3: people define being a good woman as being overly tolerant 502 00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:59,199 Speaker 3: of someone that is putting you through the ringer. That 503 00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:01,920 Speaker 3: ain't being a good one either. I'm all four hoole 504 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:04,600 Speaker 3: people down if they lost their job, if you are 505 00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:07,159 Speaker 3: compensating in other areas, and you are still president inside 506 00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:10,080 Speaker 3: this relationship, and you have given me more reasons to 507 00:27:10,119 --> 00:27:16,960 Speaker 3: believe staying here is wise than unwise. Howsomever you think 508 00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:21,440 Speaker 3: that just because you come and boy, they people gonna 509 00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:23,920 Speaker 3: be mad. Normally I have more time to explain these things. 510 00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:26,320 Speaker 3: So I'm just saying, you think you coming from this 511 00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:30,199 Speaker 3: dominant position and What I mean by that is there 512 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:33,720 Speaker 3: are certain women that will intentionally date down. This man 513 00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:36,960 Speaker 3: now is indebted to you because here you are believing 514 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:40,240 Speaker 3: in him in ways other women are wise enough not to. 515 00:27:41,119 --> 00:27:41,800 Speaker 4: I'm just saying. 516 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:45,480 Speaker 3: I'm just saying other women saying the ran flags and 517 00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:48,200 Speaker 3: they said, nah, but you like you know what, though, 518 00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:50,920 Speaker 3: I can fix this man, and you define it as 519 00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:53,440 Speaker 3: you being good because you know what, And I'm glad 520 00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:56,520 Speaker 3: you brought religion into this. We've taught We've been taught 521 00:27:56,920 --> 00:28:00,840 Speaker 3: from this sense that God loves everybody. I should love everybody, 522 00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:04,760 Speaker 3: and God doesn't give up on people. I shouldn't give 523 00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:07,520 Speaker 3: up on people. And what I'm saying is sometimes we 524 00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:10,880 Speaker 3: bring this God complex into relationships and it don't fit. 525 00:28:11,359 --> 00:28:13,600 Speaker 3: That's not where we supposed to be doing this at. 526 00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:15,080 Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying. If you want to love 527 00:28:15,119 --> 00:28:17,199 Speaker 3: this person as a Frank Coop, you want to help 528 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:19,280 Speaker 3: him out as a Frank Coop, but this person still 529 00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:20,360 Speaker 3: has to meet your standards. 530 00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:23,359 Speaker 4: And here's the thing. The worst thing in the world. 531 00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:27,960 Speaker 3: Is to get cheated on by the guy you settled 532 00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:31,520 Speaker 3: for that got to hit different. It got to hit different. 533 00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:33,960 Speaker 3: It's one thing, all right, Getting cheated on his back. 534 00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:37,159 Speaker 3: But by the God, you better than quote unquote, and 535 00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:42,560 Speaker 3: that gotta hurt different. It gotta hurt different. Oh my goodness. 536 00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:45,880 Speaker 2: And on that note, let's take a break. 537 00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:46,920 Speaker 4: We'll be right back. 538 00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:56,520 Speaker 2: Welcome back to the our spot. Let's get back to 539 00:28:56,600 --> 00:29:01,240 Speaker 2: the conversation. This is is so important because I think 540 00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:03,880 Speaker 2: this is a place where it really breaks down for 541 00:29:03,960 --> 00:29:07,240 Speaker 2: a lot of women because in their minds, they have 542 00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:11,480 Speaker 2: been good women. They have relaxed their boundaries, they have 543 00:29:11,640 --> 00:29:15,320 Speaker 2: lowered their standards, thinking that the big mistake women thing 544 00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:17,520 Speaker 2: is that I can fix them. And the thing that 545 00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:21,760 Speaker 2: I know this goes for old dogs, new dogs, young dogs, puppies, 546 00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:25,600 Speaker 2: safer nots when you think you can fix it. So 547 00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:28,080 Speaker 2: we have to take off our tool belt and stop 548 00:29:28,160 --> 00:29:32,080 Speaker 2: being repair people. But also so many women are so 549 00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:38,920 Speaker 2: afraid to be alone that they will they do dumb down. 550 00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:39,880 Speaker 2: I had. 551 00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:41,600 Speaker 1: Let me just share this experience. 552 00:29:43,560 --> 00:29:48,000 Speaker 2: I had just a beginning interaction with a doctor, okay, 553 00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:53,520 Speaker 2: the emergency room doctor. We talked and talked, and he's 554 00:29:53,680 --> 00:29:58,280 Speaker 2: emergency room, so that's absolutely insane. And then I'm all 555 00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:01,920 Speaker 2: over the place with my work. And so there was 556 00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:06,440 Speaker 2: one weekend that he finally had off and I had 557 00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:11,200 Speaker 2: to teach, and so he wanted me to give up 558 00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:12,280 Speaker 2: my teaching. 559 00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:16,360 Speaker 1: To meet for the first time, and I said, it's 560 00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:18,040 Speaker 1: my ministry. I can't do that. 561 00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:22,000 Speaker 2: And he said, as we get deeper into this relationship, 562 00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:25,240 Speaker 2: that's gonna have to change. Okay, So now I'm a 563 00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:31,040 Speaker 2: red flag swat team. So I said, really, what does 564 00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:33,240 Speaker 2: that mean. You know how I work, and you know 565 00:30:33,280 --> 00:30:35,560 Speaker 2: what I'm doing, and I get a weekend off, and 566 00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:38,720 Speaker 2: you're not gonna make adjustments so that we can be together. 567 00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:41,320 Speaker 1: And I said nope. 568 00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:45,800 Speaker 2: At my age, you know, if you get somebody whose 569 00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:46,600 Speaker 2: teeth fit. 570 00:30:48,760 --> 00:30:49,840 Speaker 1: You try to hang on. 571 00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:55,760 Speaker 2: I said, nope, that's it for women. My point is this, 572 00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:58,520 Speaker 2: there have to be some things you will not compromise. 573 00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:02,560 Speaker 2: But so then I think is women we compromise so 574 00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:06,320 Speaker 2: many sacred places in our life and so many things 575 00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:13,000 Speaker 2: to be in the relationship that that So I just said, 576 00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:15,200 Speaker 2: that's not going to work for me. And so when 577 00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:17,560 Speaker 2: he called, he did say, what have I done something wrong? 578 00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:20,720 Speaker 2: I said, no, not wrong, It just doesn't work for me. 579 00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:24,280 Speaker 2: It doesn't work for me in my life. You have 580 00:31:24,360 --> 00:31:26,600 Speaker 2: to know that what's important to me is important to me, 581 00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:30,160 Speaker 2: and we both adjust and we both compromise. But I 582 00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:33,680 Speaker 2: don't know you like that for you to be telling. 583 00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:40,360 Speaker 3: Me what's interesting, because and I caught it earlier. But 584 00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:44,840 Speaker 3: even now, that purpose part is so important. Your cup 585 00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:48,240 Speaker 3: is filled with purpose, right, And when your cup is 586 00:31:48,280 --> 00:31:50,720 Speaker 3: filled with purpose, you don't have to feel it with 587 00:31:50,840 --> 00:31:52,680 Speaker 3: people that don't fit you. 588 00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:53,240 Speaker 4: Know what I'm saying. 589 00:31:53,720 --> 00:31:56,719 Speaker 3: But oftentimes there are so many people devoid of that 590 00:31:56,760 --> 00:32:00,920 Speaker 3: purpose in direction. So now becoming a white are a 591 00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:04,760 Speaker 3: girlfriend is a soul motivating factor. And so now when 592 00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:07,280 Speaker 3: you're drinking because you're thirsty, because you're not feel with 593 00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:11,000 Speaker 3: purpose in the other way in other areas. And the 594 00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:12,400 Speaker 3: one thing you said, I want to just go back 595 00:32:12,440 --> 00:32:15,040 Speaker 3: a little bit when you had talked about being a 596 00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:18,720 Speaker 3: good woman to him, and I want to emphasize that 597 00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:22,720 Speaker 3: there are so many women that are good women to 598 00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:26,920 Speaker 3: undeserving men, But are you a good woman to yourself? 599 00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:31,000 Speaker 3: You call yourself a good woman in relations to how 600 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:33,720 Speaker 3: you treat him, But are you a good woman in 601 00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:37,960 Speaker 3: relation to how you treat you? It matters because you 602 00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:40,480 Speaker 3: have to just in my psyche, right, And I'm gonna 603 00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:43,320 Speaker 3: just briefly break it down. There are certain men that 604 00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:45,600 Speaker 3: don't care how you feel inside, just as long as 605 00:32:45,600 --> 00:32:48,280 Speaker 3: he's satisfied from this relationship. This is why you can 606 00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:51,760 Speaker 3: have two people in the same relationship view it completely different. 607 00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:56,800 Speaker 3: You're miserable, I'm happy. I'm happy because you do serve me, 608 00:32:57,200 --> 00:33:00,120 Speaker 3: you do benefit me, you do give me lee waye 609 00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:02,480 Speaker 3: you allow me to be who I am without consequence. 610 00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:05,280 Speaker 3: I am happy. You are the perfect woman for me, 611 00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:08,160 Speaker 3: and you are doing the things that make me happy. 612 00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:11,479 Speaker 3: But in the process, it's like a seesaw. And that's 613 00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:14,400 Speaker 3: why I say these relationships be unbalanced. The worse you 614 00:33:14,440 --> 00:33:19,000 Speaker 3: feel about yourself, the better he views this relationship. The 615 00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:21,360 Speaker 3: more you start doing for yourself and you start caring 616 00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:23,640 Speaker 3: for yourself, you start loving yourself, you start saying no, 617 00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:26,680 Speaker 3: you start enforcing boundaries, the more he feels like you're 618 00:33:26,800 --> 00:33:28,400 Speaker 3: not treating him well. 619 00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:31,120 Speaker 4: And these are relationships you can't be in. So I 620 00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:31,560 Speaker 4: get it. 621 00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:34,040 Speaker 3: You define yourself as a good woman because you are 622 00:33:34,040 --> 00:33:37,160 Speaker 3: doing good things for him, but at the expense of 623 00:33:37,200 --> 00:33:40,440 Speaker 3: being a good woman for you. So you have to 624 00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:42,760 Speaker 3: get with somebody where being a good woman for you 625 00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:47,080 Speaker 3: is in turn being a good woman for him. Because 626 00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:49,640 Speaker 3: you guys are on the same path the same purpose, 627 00:33:49,840 --> 00:33:53,640 Speaker 3: You got a similar morality and understanding, and most importantly, 628 00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:57,000 Speaker 3: y'all reciprocate. So now it doesn't feel like a seesaw, 629 00:33:57,080 --> 00:33:59,880 Speaker 3: feels like an elevator. As you elevate, so do he, 630 00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:02,440 Speaker 3: and as he elevates, so do you. And I know 631 00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:06,080 Speaker 3: this sounds idealistic, but it's true. It's just true. 632 00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:11,840 Speaker 2: So very often again, as women, particularly women of color, red, black, 633 00:34:12,160 --> 00:34:15,640 Speaker 2: and brown women are taught that our job is to 634 00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:20,040 Speaker 2: make everything in everyone more important than us, So we 635 00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:24,120 Speaker 2: will we are value in our worth by giving so 636 00:34:24,239 --> 00:34:29,000 Speaker 2: much of ourselves away. But you keep mentioning consequences for behavior, 637 00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:32,920 Speaker 2: and that's something that I think we as women don't 638 00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:38,480 Speaker 2: put enough energy into. So talk to me about when 639 00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:44,040 Speaker 2: a woman, when there are consequences for bad behavior or 640 00:34:44,080 --> 00:34:47,520 Speaker 2: disruptive behavior in a relationship, how does that impact you 641 00:34:47,560 --> 00:34:48,120 Speaker 2: as a man. 642 00:34:48,440 --> 00:34:51,319 Speaker 3: It makes me think twice about doing it. If the 643 00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:54,759 Speaker 3: consequence of me doing this action is you gonna be 644 00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:57,800 Speaker 3: mad for a couple of days, You're gonna I'm breaking 645 00:34:57,920 --> 00:35:00,000 Speaker 3: up with you, blah blah blain, and I just say 646 00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:02,480 Speaker 3: I'm sorry. I go to a couple therapy sessions, and 647 00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:05,200 Speaker 3: then we back where we are all I had to 648 00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:07,759 Speaker 3: do is pretend to be different for three or four 649 00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:10,560 Speaker 3: weeks and here that bought me another two years in 650 00:35:10,600 --> 00:35:14,560 Speaker 3: your life. All right, then cool? But if the but 651 00:35:14,600 --> 00:35:17,320 Speaker 3: that's what But that's the thing, that is what's happening. 652 00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:19,680 Speaker 3: I know it sounds funny when you say it, but 653 00:35:19,800 --> 00:35:22,240 Speaker 3: it's what's happening. It's that cycle, right, it's the cycle. 654 00:35:22,520 --> 00:35:27,440 Speaker 3: And so what happens is when someone truly believes that 655 00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:32,800 Speaker 3: you can leave, you have the power to they behave Differently, 656 00:35:33,280 --> 00:35:36,160 Speaker 3: when people figure out you don't have the power to leave, 657 00:35:36,560 --> 00:35:39,280 Speaker 3: they're enabled to do what they want to do because 658 00:35:39,280 --> 00:35:42,400 Speaker 3: where you gonna go, where you're gonna go. And so 659 00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:43,520 Speaker 3: I just encourage people. 660 00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:44,359 Speaker 4: This is my thing. 661 00:35:44,400 --> 00:35:48,239 Speaker 3: I encourage people to tell people the fine print. And again, 662 00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:50,120 Speaker 3: I know this is controversial, I say it. I'll tell 663 00:35:50,200 --> 00:35:53,879 Speaker 3: people disagree with me. Look my love for you. I'm sorry. 664 00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:58,040 Speaker 3: I'm gonna just say it very conditional. Now the conditions 665 00:35:58,080 --> 00:36:01,200 Speaker 3: I'm gonna lay out for you. Treat me well, don't 666 00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:03,799 Speaker 3: do this, don't do that. Very simple things, basic things 667 00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:09,200 Speaker 3: that remedial adults should understand in relationships. If that doesn't happen, 668 00:36:09,760 --> 00:36:15,080 Speaker 3: my act of loving you will be revoked period. But 669 00:36:15,200 --> 00:36:18,000 Speaker 3: what happens is what we do. Though we tell people 670 00:36:18,040 --> 00:36:20,360 Speaker 3: I ain't gonna never leave. I promise I'm gonna always 671 00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:22,279 Speaker 3: be here. We say all these things, and I get 672 00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:25,279 Speaker 3: it because it sounds romantic. It really do. But we 673 00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:28,480 Speaker 3: need to start reading people to fine print. Fine Print 674 00:36:28,560 --> 00:36:31,640 Speaker 3: is just as long as you are present, as long 675 00:36:31,680 --> 00:36:35,200 Speaker 3: as you're not repeatedly disrespectful to me, as long as 676 00:36:35,200 --> 00:36:37,360 Speaker 3: if cheating is a boundary for you, as long as 677 00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:40,239 Speaker 3: you're not violating that boundary, and blah blah blah. This 678 00:36:40,280 --> 00:36:42,080 Speaker 3: is things you have to tell people, and then there 679 00:36:42,120 --> 00:36:43,400 Speaker 3: has to be consequences. 680 00:36:43,960 --> 00:36:49,799 Speaker 4: This is the thing. You have to love you and 681 00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:55,440 Speaker 4: your healing and your journey the same amount, if not 682 00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:59,239 Speaker 4: more than you love that man. And here's the interesting part. 683 00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:03,200 Speaker 4: Sometimes we love that person more than we love those things, 684 00:37:03,239 --> 00:37:07,080 Speaker 4: and that person treats us orbly. And so my point is, 685 00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:11,880 Speaker 4: consequences has to be there, because what are standards and 686 00:37:11,920 --> 00:37:15,279 Speaker 4: boundaries without consequences. They're just suggestions. 687 00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:19,879 Speaker 3: It literally, you're just suggesting things at that points. 688 00:37:20,239 --> 00:37:24,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, what you're talking about is consequences. I call deal breakers. 689 00:37:24,680 --> 00:37:27,080 Speaker 2: What are your deal breakers? I say, each partner, you 690 00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:29,920 Speaker 2: get three deal breakers, and then you get some boundaries 691 00:37:29,960 --> 00:37:32,719 Speaker 2: to work with them. And for me, a boundary is 692 00:37:32,840 --> 00:37:36,640 Speaker 2: that standard that keeps me safe. But this is how 693 00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:38,720 Speaker 2: a boundary works. And this is what I tell women 694 00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:41,120 Speaker 2: all the time. The number one thing is you have 695 00:37:41,160 --> 00:37:44,880 Speaker 2: to announce the boundaries. Tell the person the boundary is. 696 00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:49,520 Speaker 2: Chances are they're going to violate it. Number the second 697 00:37:49,560 --> 00:37:53,600 Speaker 2: time they violated, you announce the boundary and you announce 698 00:37:53,640 --> 00:37:57,440 Speaker 2: the consequence, and so they know if you do this again, 699 00:37:57,719 --> 00:38:01,920 Speaker 2: this is a consequence. Chances are they're going to violate 700 00:38:01,920 --> 00:38:05,600 Speaker 2: it again when that third time comes. This is the 701 00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:10,600 Speaker 2: boundary we talked about it. This is the consequence I announced. 702 00:38:10,800 --> 00:38:15,040 Speaker 2: So now you violated the boundary the third time, there 703 00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:20,160 Speaker 2: are no more opportunities. If that violated again, done off 704 00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:24,920 Speaker 2: with your head. But so, because then you're giving people 705 00:38:24,920 --> 00:38:27,839 Speaker 2: the opportunity, You're stating your expectation. 706 00:38:28,360 --> 00:38:31,160 Speaker 1: You're letting them know what you expect. You're letting them 707 00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:31,600 Speaker 1: know what. 708 00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:37,120 Speaker 2: Happens if they don't honor that expectation. You have to 709 00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:42,440 Speaker 2: enact the consequence. You must otherwise, like you said, it's 710 00:38:42,560 --> 00:38:44,800 Speaker 2: just the recommendation or a suggestion. 711 00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:46,480 Speaker 4: Yeah, it really is. 712 00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:48,800 Speaker 1: Do men settle for women. 713 00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:52,040 Speaker 4: You know what, let me say this. 714 00:38:52,280 --> 00:38:53,799 Speaker 3: See, now you're about to give me in trouble because 715 00:38:53,800 --> 00:38:55,239 Speaker 3: IM about to say I'm about to be real with you. 716 00:38:55,360 --> 00:38:56,399 Speaker 1: Hey, please be real. 717 00:38:57,440 --> 00:39:00,759 Speaker 4: Not in the same way. Okay, I don't believe in 718 00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:01,359 Speaker 4: the same way. 719 00:39:01,880 --> 00:39:02,479 Speaker 1: Tell me more. 720 00:39:02,920 --> 00:39:04,640 Speaker 3: Ah, you about to give me your trouble. Okay, here's 721 00:39:04,640 --> 00:39:09,680 Speaker 3: the thing I believe when women. I believe that there 722 00:39:09,719 --> 00:39:11,279 Speaker 3: are pocket of women. I'm not going to put a 723 00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:15,600 Speaker 3: percentage that believe they're settling, but they really not. 724 00:39:16,960 --> 00:39:21,960 Speaker 4: You are getting what you can get at this point 725 00:39:22,280 --> 00:39:22,840 Speaker 4: you are. 726 00:39:22,719 --> 00:39:27,160 Speaker 2: You're attracting what the same thing that's vibrating where you are. 727 00:39:27,400 --> 00:39:30,279 Speaker 2: You may think you're vibrating at sixty five when you're 728 00:39:30,320 --> 00:39:32,160 Speaker 2: really at thirty seven point six. 729 00:39:32,440 --> 00:39:35,560 Speaker 3: Now I believe men. I believe that there are men 730 00:39:35,760 --> 00:39:38,040 Speaker 3: that are content with what they know they can get 731 00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:41,800 Speaker 3: at this moment. They don't view it necessarily as settling. 732 00:39:42,239 --> 00:39:45,280 Speaker 3: Now does that mean that they won't try to upgrade 733 00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:48,200 Speaker 3: if they situations change? I don't know about that. But 734 00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:50,840 Speaker 3: in the moment, I don't think they view it as 735 00:39:51,239 --> 00:39:53,960 Speaker 3: I could do better, and I don't think in their head. 736 00:39:54,320 --> 00:39:55,239 Speaker 4: And let me tell you why. 737 00:39:56,200 --> 00:39:58,960 Speaker 3: I think for men, love and loyalty are so tied together, 738 00:40:00,239 --> 00:40:02,400 Speaker 3: like when I say I love you, I'm loyal to you, 739 00:40:02,719 --> 00:40:04,919 Speaker 3: which is amazing because some men be cheating and still 740 00:40:04,920 --> 00:40:07,880 Speaker 3: think they loyal, but just follow me. The loyalty is 741 00:40:08,200 --> 00:40:13,160 Speaker 3: I'm gonna be here for you. I'm invested in being 742 00:40:13,200 --> 00:40:13,600 Speaker 3: a pair. 743 00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:14,759 Speaker 4: And it's so. 744 00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:18,919 Speaker 3: Do I believe men settle, meaning that do they get 745 00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:22,279 Speaker 3: with women with whom they feel like if they looked 746 00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:27,879 Speaker 3: a little bit harder they could find quote unquote better, Yes, 747 00:40:28,640 --> 00:40:34,320 Speaker 3: but they're not haunted or spelled or overly imp impulsive 748 00:40:34,880 --> 00:40:39,839 Speaker 3: about focusing on them. The settling part, it's okay, I'm 749 00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:42,880 Speaker 3: content here, like I'm done looking. I don't want to 750 00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:46,359 Speaker 3: I don't want to date. Yo, it sucks like I'm 751 00:40:46,400 --> 00:40:48,080 Speaker 3: thirty four. I don't want to go dating no more. 752 00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:51,200 Speaker 3: I am happy where I am. Okay, I am happy 753 00:40:51,239 --> 00:40:54,520 Speaker 3: where I am. Now Here's the fundamental part though about 754 00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:57,560 Speaker 3: this discussion. They don't feel like they settle at the 755 00:40:57,560 --> 00:40:59,759 Speaker 3: same rate because I don't feel like men view the 756 00:40:59,800 --> 00:41:02,719 Speaker 3: day dating pool of women the same way women view 757 00:41:02,760 --> 00:41:05,320 Speaker 3: the dating pool of men. I had mentioned it before. 758 00:41:05,760 --> 00:41:08,560 Speaker 3: I don't think as a man, even before I've gotten 759 00:41:08,560 --> 00:41:10,120 Speaker 3: a little cloud or whatever, the case may be. When 760 00:41:10,120 --> 00:41:12,080 Speaker 3: I was working a regular job, I was a nurse. 761 00:41:12,640 --> 00:41:14,280 Speaker 3: I didn't think that there was a lack of quality 762 00:41:14,360 --> 00:41:17,200 Speaker 3: women in my small town. I'm from Dayton, Ohio. Everywhere 763 00:41:17,239 --> 00:41:19,759 Speaker 3: I looked, there was a quality woman for what I 764 00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:21,719 Speaker 3: was looking for, because I didn't have to look at 765 00:41:21,719 --> 00:41:24,960 Speaker 3: how much finances they had. I looked at were they 766 00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:27,239 Speaker 3: a good person? How did they make me feel? Did 767 00:41:27,239 --> 00:41:30,560 Speaker 3: I laugh around them? Were they supportive? Could she believe 768 00:41:30,640 --> 00:41:34,200 Speaker 3: in my dream? The metrics I define a good woman 769 00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:37,440 Speaker 3: as isn't the same as what women define or the 770 00:41:37,480 --> 00:41:40,400 Speaker 3: metrics they use for men. Women are more selective, so 771 00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:41,840 Speaker 3: of course they're going to feel like they're settling a 772 00:41:41,880 --> 00:41:42,319 Speaker 3: little bit. 773 00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:45,200 Speaker 2: Late, a minute later, a minute that is goal, right, 774 00:41:45,239 --> 00:41:47,480 Speaker 2: then we should be able to get two shows out 775 00:41:47,520 --> 00:41:53,080 Speaker 2: of that. That was the Ace of Broken Hearts, Ace 776 00:41:53,239 --> 00:41:59,160 Speaker 2: metaphor keeping it real For real. Ace is hysterically funny, 777 00:41:59,600 --> 00:42:04,200 Speaker 2: totally animated, and his point of view is more often 778 00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:08,520 Speaker 2: than knock on point. He is raw, he is real. 779 00:42:09,040 --> 00:42:14,080 Speaker 2: He has a kind of ancient wisdom and perspective to 780 00:42:14,239 --> 00:42:19,040 Speaker 2: many of the current problems and issues encountered in our relationships. 781 00:42:19,080 --> 00:42:22,680 Speaker 2: But the special sauce for me is that this is 782 00:42:22,719 --> 00:42:26,560 Speaker 2: a man, a young man, who is talking to women, 783 00:42:27,800 --> 00:42:31,399 Speaker 2: spilling the tea about what men do, how they do it, 784 00:42:31,440 --> 00:42:34,880 Speaker 2: and why they do it. Ace is very clear that 785 00:42:35,160 --> 00:42:38,799 Speaker 2: men do what they do because we as women. 786 00:42:38,840 --> 00:42:39,680 Speaker 1: Do what we do. 787 00:42:40,280 --> 00:42:44,880 Speaker 2: We allow it, we accommodated, we tolerated, and it hurts 788 00:42:44,960 --> 00:42:48,280 Speaker 2: up now that conversation was so deep and so nice. 789 00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:50,040 Speaker 1: I say, we do it twice. 790 00:42:50,480 --> 00:42:53,319 Speaker 2: We'll be back next week with part two of my 791 00:42:53,520 --> 00:42:57,880 Speaker 2: interview with Ace Metaphor, see you there in the meantime, 792 00:42:58,120 --> 00:42:59,919 Speaker 2: Stay in peace, not in peace. 793 00:43:00,920 --> 00:43:06,080 Speaker 1: Bye. 794 00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:11,640 Speaker 2: The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in 795 00:43:11,719 --> 00:43:17,400 Speaker 2: partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit 796 00:43:17,440 --> 00:43:21,759 Speaker 2: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to 797 00:43:22,120 --> 00:43:23,160 Speaker 2: your favorite shows.