WEBVTT - The Science of Horniness 0:00:15.356 --> 0:00:27.316 Pushkin hi, and I'm going in. I have a question 0:00:27.356 --> 0:00:29.876 for you. The other day I realized I haven't masturbated 0:00:29.996 --> 0:00:32.156 in like six months, and I just don't feel like 0:00:32.196 --> 0:00:38.516 my old self. You know, I get this question all 0:00:38.516 --> 0:00:42.996 the time, and mostly people expect me to say things like, oh, 0:00:43.116 --> 0:00:45.676 watch more porn and use fuzzy handcuffs. But actually the 0:00:45.716 --> 0:00:51.156 answer is sexual interest changes all the time and it 0:00:51.196 --> 0:00:54.036 doesn't mean that there's anything wrong at all. And instead 0:00:54.076 --> 0:00:57.836 of worrying about how sexual interest comes and goes, can 0:00:57.876 --> 0:01:02.196 we focus instead on whether or not you're experiencing pleasure 0:01:02.276 --> 0:01:09.316 in your life. I'm Emmilinagaski and this is the Come 0:01:09.316 --> 0:01:12.556 as you Are podcast, where I answer questions about sex 0:01:13.236 --> 0:01:17.116 with science. In this episode, I want to introduce you 0:01:17.196 --> 0:01:20.796 to a really simple, but radical shift in the way 0:01:20.836 --> 0:01:25.756 we think about sexual interest. Pop culture teaches us it's 0:01:25.796 --> 0:01:28.876 all about getting turned on. Movies and TV portrayals of 0:01:28.916 --> 0:01:34.036 sexual desire have led us to a collective misunderstanding about 0:01:34.076 --> 0:01:38.276 how horniness really works, as in, how it works in 0:01:38.316 --> 0:01:42.236 our brains. So today we're going to talk about the 0:01:42.276 --> 0:01:48.076 real way horniness works. It's called the dual control model, 0:01:48.316 --> 0:01:51.556 and it is, in my opinion, one of the single 0:01:51.596 --> 0:01:56.716 most important, most life changing pieces of research on human sexuality. 0:01:57.196 --> 0:01:59.396 I'm going to be answering a listener's question today, and 0:01:59.516 --> 0:02:03.956 bringing me that question is my producer mo I'm hey, Emily. 0:02:04.756 --> 0:02:07.276 Here we are. It's our very first episode of the 0:02:07.316 --> 0:02:10.556 Come As You Are Podcast. How are you feeling about it? 0:02:10.556 --> 0:02:15.956 It's thrilling. Are you thrilled? I'm thrilled. I'm feeling really good. 0:02:16.396 --> 0:02:18.356 I also just feel really lucky to be on this 0:02:18.436 --> 0:02:22.236 show with you. Like one, I'm, you know, sematically incapable 0:02:22.276 --> 0:02:26.556 of chill, like I'm a very overeager person. But also 0:02:26.956 --> 0:02:29.036 it's very special for me to get to work with you, 0:02:29.076 --> 0:02:32.196 in particular because I read your book Come As You 0:02:32.236 --> 0:02:34.636 Are when I was in college. I went to the 0:02:34.716 --> 0:02:38.596 University of North Carolina UNC Chapel Hill, and your book 0:02:38.676 --> 0:02:41.676 was something I found on a suggested reading list, I 0:02:41.716 --> 0:02:44.516 think in a women's studies course, and I just fell 0:02:44.556 --> 0:02:47.156 in love with the message of your book, and I 0:02:47.236 --> 0:02:49.996 kept Come As You Are on my mantelpiece in my 0:02:50.116 --> 0:02:54.716 like off campus college house as a symbol for everyone 0:02:54.756 --> 0:02:57.316 that came over to my house that like, I own 0:02:57.396 --> 0:03:00.996 my body and I'm having sex for me and I'm 0:03:00.996 --> 0:03:03.356 pursuing my own pleasure, and it was a big part 0:03:03.436 --> 0:03:07.596 of like my young slut era. And I really appreciate 0:03:07.676 --> 0:03:10.956 that a gift you gave me. That's amazing. I love that. 0:03:11.076 --> 0:03:13.236 I feel like it could not possibly be random chance, 0:03:13.796 --> 0:03:17.996 like we were destined to work on this project together. Yeah, 0:03:18.236 --> 0:03:21.076 your book really did change my perspective on so many things, 0:03:21.196 --> 0:03:23.076 and so when I heard that you were working on 0:03:23.076 --> 0:03:25.756 this show, I was like, please pick me, pick me. 0:03:25.796 --> 0:03:27.796 It was raising my hand really hard. I love that. 0:03:28.116 --> 0:03:31.236 Another reason I'm so excited for this podcast to exist 0:03:31.316 --> 0:03:35.036 because like I grew up in a small town in 0:03:35.036 --> 0:03:40.596 North Carolina, and I had abstinence only sex said, and 0:03:40.916 --> 0:03:45.076 I was a like unknowing at the time, little gay kid, 0:03:45.276 --> 0:03:50.396 and I basically was horrified and scared by the sexual 0:03:50.476 --> 0:03:53.316 education that I got or the lack of sexual education 0:03:53.356 --> 0:03:54.956 that I got. But the little that I did get 0:03:55.116 --> 0:03:58.596 was basically like STDs can kill you, and if you 0:03:58.636 --> 0:04:01.396 have sex once, you're ruined forever and no one will 0:04:01.436 --> 0:04:05.316 want you after that, And that really it affected me. 0:04:05.476 --> 0:04:10.196 And I think having real and non judgment information, like 0:04:10.276 --> 0:04:14.156 the message that you have income as you are and 0:04:14.276 --> 0:04:17.196 in all your work, like having that out there actually 0:04:17.236 --> 0:04:22.356 makes a huge difference in people's everyday sex lives. Well yeay, 0:04:23.356 --> 0:04:26.396 And I see my work as being the opposite of 0:04:26.476 --> 0:04:29.836 absinence only education. Not because I'm like everybody should have 0:04:29.916 --> 0:04:31.916 sex all the time. I think people should have sex 0:04:31.956 --> 0:04:34.836 when and how they choose too when is right for themselves, 0:04:35.236 --> 0:04:40.716 but because I believe that sex need not be scary 0:04:40.916 --> 0:04:44.396 in our lives. I think that if we can embrace 0:04:44.956 --> 0:04:49.236 pleasure into our lives, That's really the whole basis of 0:04:49.276 --> 0:04:52.516 my work. It's the whole basis of the show. The 0:04:52.596 --> 0:04:55.916 Prelude episode with Adrian Marie Brown, if you haven't heard 0:04:55.956 --> 0:04:58.036 it yet, please go back and listen to it. Yes, 0:04:58.556 --> 0:05:00.836 that's really the foundation of everything we're going to be 0:05:00.876 --> 0:05:03.956 talking about. Heart agree. I put a lot of special 0:05:03.956 --> 0:05:07.636 love into the Prelude, But this episode is our first 0:05:07.636 --> 0:05:10.716 episode where we're going to be serring a listener question. 0:05:11.556 --> 0:05:13.556 So we got a message on the come as you 0:05:13.596 --> 0:05:17.476 are hotline six four six, three nine seven eight five 0:05:17.636 --> 0:05:21.836 five seven. I chose it because it really speaks to 0:05:21.916 --> 0:05:25.316 the time we're in right now, like the pandemic has 0:05:25.396 --> 0:05:29.596 changed a lot of our relationships with ourselves and of 0:05:29.636 --> 0:05:34.476 course with sex and with masturbation, but also just pleasure 0:05:34.676 --> 0:05:38.716 on the day to day, like just everyday pleasures and happiness. 0:05:39.316 --> 0:05:42.276 I think you're absolutely right. Rates of mental health struggles 0:05:42.276 --> 0:05:45.716 have vastly increased. People's sense of overwhelm and exhaustion and 0:05:46.236 --> 0:05:50.596 acxistential dread have increased vastly just over the last couple 0:05:50.596 --> 0:05:52.436 of years. And is that going to interfere with our 0:05:52.436 --> 0:05:58.876 sex lives? You bet your bippy right exactly. Yes. I 0:05:58.916 --> 0:06:03.156 wanted to pull a question from a caller whose sexual 0:06:03.676 --> 0:06:08.876 desire or horniness has basically changed drastically during the pandemic. 0:06:09.716 --> 0:06:13.116 All right, so here we go. Hi. My name is Sarah, 0:06:13.156 --> 0:06:16.916 my pronouns are she her. I'm thirty four and single, 0:06:17.236 --> 0:06:20.916 and I used to have a lot of fun with myself. 0:06:21.876 --> 0:06:24.996 I had and I still have all these fancy toys. 0:06:25.076 --> 0:06:28.196 But over the last few years, it's like my desire 0:06:28.276 --> 0:06:32.396 to masturbate has just completely faded away. Like the other day, 0:06:32.436 --> 0:06:34.756 I realized I haven't masturbated in like six months, and 0:06:34.796 --> 0:06:38.116 I just don't feel like my old self washing porn 0:06:38.436 --> 0:06:41.716 does not cross my mind. I bought this new toy 0:06:41.876 --> 0:06:43.876 to even help me get back in the mood, and 0:06:44.276 --> 0:06:47.316 I've only used it once, I don't even want to 0:06:47.316 --> 0:06:50.156 get out there and date because I'm just not motivated 0:06:50.156 --> 0:06:53.316 by sex. It sounds like work to me, and I 0:06:53.396 --> 0:06:55.836 don't know what's wrong, Like by the time I get 0:06:55.836 --> 0:06:58.636 home from work, walk my dog, make dinner, I just 0:06:58.796 --> 0:07:01.676 want to sit down and watch TV. And I feel 0:07:01.716 --> 0:07:04.756 really tired all the time. And so I wonder if 0:07:04.756 --> 0:07:07.756 you can help me figure out what's wrong with me. 0:07:11.756 --> 0:07:15.716 This answer might shock you, but no, I can't explain 0:07:15.756 --> 0:07:19.316 what's wrong with you because there is nothing wrong with you. 0:07:21.196 --> 0:07:25.076 Everything that we're hearing in this question is just Sarah's 0:07:25.116 --> 0:07:31.836 brain responding normally to an abnormal world. What science do 0:07:31.876 --> 0:07:39.236 we need to understand to answer this question for Sarah? Okay, 0:07:39.436 --> 0:07:41.476 this is thrilling for me. It's like I'm introducing you 0:07:41.516 --> 0:07:48.836 to my most famous friend. Welcome to the dual control model, 0:07:49.356 --> 0:07:54.156 how our brains process sex related information. Dual control model 0:07:54.196 --> 0:07:56.796 means there's two parts. In the first part is that 0:07:56.916 --> 0:08:01.396 sexual accelerator that gets turned on. It notices all the 0:08:01.476 --> 0:08:05.636 sexy information in the environment. That's everything you feel with 0:08:05.636 --> 0:08:10.196 your basic senses, what you see here, smell, touch, taste, 0:08:10.236 --> 0:08:12.956 but also the things that you think, believe, or imagine 0:08:12.996 --> 0:08:17.516 and also the sensations inside your body, the sexual excitation system. 0:08:17.556 --> 0:08:21.316 The accelerator notices all of that, and it sends that 0:08:21.436 --> 0:08:24.956 turn on signal the many of us are familiar with. 0:08:25.956 --> 0:08:29.876 But also at the same time, in parallel, you have 0:08:29.996 --> 0:08:33.396 breaks that are noticing all the good reasons not to 0:08:33.436 --> 0:08:36.836 be turned on right now, everything with your basic senses, 0:08:36.876 --> 0:08:42.276 the everything you see here, smell, touch, taste, and everything 0:08:42.316 --> 0:08:45.476 you think, believe or imagine, and all the sensations in 0:08:45.516 --> 0:08:50.476 your body, it notices everything that's a potential threat, and 0:08:50.596 --> 0:08:56.076 it sends the turn off signal. So arousal is not 0:08:56.156 --> 0:08:59.276 just the process of turning on the OS. It's also, 0:08:59.516 --> 0:09:04.036 and more importantly, the process of turning off the offs. 0:09:04.076 --> 0:09:08.516 When people are struggling, the usual advice of how to 0:09:08.636 --> 0:09:13.396 deal with any difficulty around arousal pleasure, desire, orgasm, The 0:09:13.516 --> 0:09:16.916 usual advice you hear is like, let's add stimulation to 0:09:16.956 --> 0:09:20.996 the accelerator, watching porn, doing roleplay, handcoffs, all that stuff. 0:09:21.196 --> 0:09:23.556 And sometimes that can work and can be great. But 0:09:23.716 --> 0:09:26.756 a lot of the time when people are struggling, it's 0:09:26.796 --> 0:09:30.156 not because there's too little stimulation to the accelerator. It's 0:09:30.196 --> 0:09:35.716 because there is too much stimulation to the breaks. Our 0:09:35.756 --> 0:09:38.516 listener says, it's been a couple of years. What's been 0:09:38.596 --> 0:09:44.116 happening the last couple of years, right, I don't know, 0:09:44.276 --> 0:09:47.876 a global pandemic where your breath could potentially carry a 0:09:47.996 --> 0:09:51.956 lethal virus that might hit the break as like a 0:09:51.956 --> 0:09:54.396 good reason not to be turned on right now as 0:09:54.436 --> 0:09:57.916 a potential threat. She says, the dating feels just like 0:09:57.956 --> 0:10:02.876 a lot of work, no kidding. The first time I 0:10:02.916 --> 0:10:05.316 heard this, MLA, this truly blew my mind. May do 0:10:05.556 --> 0:10:07.636 and what I especially love. So this is one of 0:10:07.636 --> 0:10:10.036 my favorite things about the dual control model is that 0:10:10.076 --> 0:10:15.876 there can be some stimuli that both hit the accelerator 0:10:16.316 --> 0:10:20.676 and hit the brake, especially someone like you who grew 0:10:20.756 --> 0:10:24.356 up being told that sex is like dirty and dangerous. 0:10:25.116 --> 0:10:29.276 Sex related stimuli will activate the accelerator because it's sex related, 0:10:29.596 --> 0:10:31.916 but also you were taught it's dirty and dangerous, and 0:10:31.956 --> 0:10:34.676 so it's also going to hit the break. And what's 0:10:34.756 --> 0:10:37.116 effect is that going to have on your sexual arousal 0:10:37.236 --> 0:10:40.796 sexual interest? WHOA if you try to drive a car 0:10:40.876 --> 0:10:42.676 with your foot on the accelerator and on the brake 0:10:42.716 --> 0:10:46.156 at the same time, how does that go? Wow? Wow 0:10:46.236 --> 0:10:49.716 wow wow? Okay, listeners can't see me. But I just 0:10:49.756 --> 0:10:51.876 took my cowboy hat off, so I can process what 0:10:51.956 --> 0:10:55.396 you just said. A lot of feelings about that that 0:10:55.476 --> 0:10:58.876 I didn't know. We're there, Like, of course something can 0:10:58.996 --> 0:11:02.476 hit my accelerator, but if I was told my whole 0:11:02.476 --> 0:11:06.076 life that it shouldn't hit my accelerator, then it can 0:11:06.156 --> 0:11:11.316 also that same thing can also be hitting my brake. Oh, 0:11:12.716 --> 0:11:15.996 this is something I should process later with my therapist. 0:11:17.756 --> 0:11:19.836 I was gonna say that sounds like something you should 0:11:19.876 --> 0:11:23.236 talk to your therapist about, but I want to make 0:11:23.236 --> 0:11:26.556 sure that you know that your breaks and accelerator can 0:11:26.596 --> 0:11:29.996 be trained. So in the same way that your breaks 0:11:30.156 --> 0:11:34.996 learned to respond to sex related stimuli, they can learn 0:11:35.236 --> 0:11:39.356 not to respond just by practicing having a little bit 0:11:39.396 --> 0:11:45.236 of exposure and relaxing, feeling calm and safe, and allowing 0:11:45.436 --> 0:11:47.996 the shame that you absorbed from culture to let go. 0:11:49.556 --> 0:11:52.036 Like your sex life will only get better because of 0:11:52.036 --> 0:11:55.236 this revelation. So that's one of the really powerful things. 0:11:55.276 --> 0:11:58.476 Way beyond just like turn ons and turn offs? Is 0:11:58.476 --> 0:12:01.796 this just a like in just like one is Ambivalence 0:12:02.076 --> 0:12:04.876 is totally normal because of the way your brain has 0:12:04.876 --> 0:12:08.196 been trained to respond to stimuli. And the other thing 0:12:08.716 --> 0:12:13.276 is that the same stimulus in one context might activate 0:12:13.316 --> 0:12:17.676 the accelerator, but in a different context it'll hit the brakes. 0:12:17.716 --> 0:12:20.516 Like if you are like private and the door is 0:12:20.556 --> 0:12:22.676 locked and you know you're not going to be interrupted, 0:12:23.116 --> 0:12:26.596 and you're feeling really aroused and turned on and trusting 0:12:26.596 --> 0:12:29.236 of your partner. If you have a partner, it can 0:12:29.276 --> 0:12:32.916 feel really fun to be tickled. But if you're in 0:12:32.916 --> 0:12:35.876 the grocery store having a fight with your partner and 0:12:35.956 --> 0:12:39.436 they try to tickle you, that sensation is not going 0:12:39.516 --> 0:12:43.956 to activate the accelerator. And that is normal. I cannot 0:12:43.996 --> 0:12:47.476 tell you how many people have asked me if there's 0:12:47.516 --> 0:12:50.556 something about their body that's broken, because a sensation that 0:12:50.636 --> 0:12:54.436 really turns them on in one context either doesn't turn 0:12:54.476 --> 0:12:58.836 them on or is actively annoying in a different context. Right, 0:12:59.796 --> 0:13:02.996 breaks an accelerator, girls, what you need to know? Okay, 0:13:03.196 --> 0:13:07.636 I think it's really important to clarify that, Like, you're 0:13:07.676 --> 0:13:11.876 not talking about the break an accelerator as a metaphor, right, 0:13:12.356 --> 0:13:15.196 This is not a metaphor. This is the literal way 0:13:15.236 --> 0:13:18.476 our brain's process information. Yes, because it's a real thing 0:13:18.556 --> 0:13:21.676 that is really happening in your real, actual brain. You 0:13:21.716 --> 0:13:23.836 are an animal with a body. You have a head, 0:13:23.876 --> 0:13:26.756 there's a skull, and inside that skull there's a brain. 0:13:27.116 --> 0:13:33.436 And inside that brain is a cluster of neuroconnections that 0:13:33.636 --> 0:13:38.476 respond to sexuality, some of them to activate arousal and 0:13:38.756 --> 0:13:44.596 some of them to stop arousal. I literally remember the day. 0:13:44.636 --> 0:13:47.276 It was nineteen ninety nine. I was sitting in the 0:13:47.316 --> 0:13:52.036 counseling office at Indiana University in John Bancroft was explaining 0:13:52.036 --> 0:13:53.876 the dual control model. He drew a picture of the 0:13:53.916 --> 0:13:55.916 brain and the spine as he was explaining, and I 0:13:55.956 --> 0:14:02.996 was like, Oh, there's a break that this was a 0:14:03.036 --> 0:14:07.396 physical mechanism that literally existed in the central nervous system, 0:14:07.436 --> 0:14:11.556 the excitatory and inhibitory impulses. This is not a metaphor. 0:14:11.956 --> 0:14:15.916 This is the literal way our brain's process information. Right. 0:14:17.036 --> 0:14:19.556 One of the reasons I chose this question is because 0:14:19.716 --> 0:14:22.676 she is just talking about her experience with masturbation, and 0:14:22.836 --> 0:14:28.036 I never really thought about masturbation having these same levers 0:14:28.156 --> 0:14:31.796 of turn ons and turn offs before. I've only thought 0:14:31.796 --> 0:14:34.956 about that in the context of like partnered sex. But 0:14:35.036 --> 0:14:38.316 you're saying it's the same system whether it's masturbation or 0:14:38.356 --> 0:14:43.036 partnered sex. Right, Yeah, it's the same brain. What about 0:14:43.076 --> 0:14:46.596 this question makes you think that the dual control model 0:14:46.996 --> 0:14:49.276 is the answer the breaks and the accelerator is the 0:14:49.356 --> 0:14:52.756 answer to Sarah's question. You know, there are two phrases. 0:14:52.836 --> 0:14:55.796 First of all, there's I don't feel like my old self, 0:14:56.516 --> 0:15:00.076 which indicates that there was a change. And often when 0:15:00.116 --> 0:15:04.516 there's a change, people think it's something about themselves that 0:15:04.556 --> 0:15:09.796 has changed, when actually what has changed is the text 0:15:10.316 --> 0:15:14.476 in which her brain is interpreting all this information. So 0:15:14.596 --> 0:15:18.716 she's not broken. Something happened in the world that made 0:15:18.716 --> 0:15:21.876 her brain adapt and adjust, and that's totally normal when 0:15:21.916 --> 0:15:25.156 you understand that, yes, there's an accelerator, and also, yes, 0:15:25.276 --> 0:15:31.476 there's a break that's responding to a global crisis. Oh, 0:15:31.516 --> 0:15:34.156 it's not me, it's the world. This is my brain 0:15:34.236 --> 0:15:38.596 responding normally to some very nutso stuff that's happening in 0:15:38.596 --> 0:15:44.236 the world. And the other sentence was it just feels 0:15:44.236 --> 0:15:46.236 like a lot of work. It sounds like a lot 0:15:46.276 --> 0:15:50.956 of work to me. Yeah, right, that's there being a 0:15:51.036 --> 0:15:54.956 lot of pressure on the brakes. Oh interest, especially for 0:15:55.036 --> 0:15:58.236 a person who has a history of really enjoying masturbating 0:15:58.796 --> 0:16:02.756 their accelerator. We know responds really well because they have 0:16:02.836 --> 0:16:07.516 this history of being aroused and enjoying sexuality, and now 0:16:07.676 --> 0:16:10.636 a bunch of stuff that's hit the brain, and it 0:16:10.676 --> 0:16:13.276 feels like a lot of work. What's changed is nothing 0:16:13.316 --> 0:16:17.276 about this person, but just the world that their brain 0:16:17.396 --> 0:16:20.436 is processing. More stuff is there that hits the brakes. 0:16:21.116 --> 0:16:24.236 So like if, for example, she made a list of 0:16:24.276 --> 0:16:26.756 today all the things she knows activate the accelerator and 0:16:26.756 --> 0:16:28.596 all the things that she knows are hitting the brakes, 0:16:28.916 --> 0:16:32.196 and then she thought back to you know, twenty nineteen, 0:16:32.476 --> 0:16:36.396 for example, or twenty sixteen even better, and made a 0:16:36.396 --> 0:16:38.676 list of things that activated or accelerator then and things 0:16:38.676 --> 0:16:43.196 that hit the brakes then, and compared, you'd be able 0:16:43.236 --> 0:16:46.036 to see, Oh, it's not that I change, it's just 0:16:46.116 --> 0:16:55.916 the context changed, right. I actually have worksheets for this 0:16:56.516 --> 0:16:58.516 in the company you are workbooking, and you're getting download 0:16:58.556 --> 0:17:00.396 them for free from my website, where you think through 0:17:00.476 --> 0:17:03.556 multiple and it actually really helps to think through multiple 0:17:03.636 --> 0:17:06.596 experiences because if you get up to three, you're gonna 0:17:06.636 --> 0:17:11.076 start noticing patterns in what activates your accelerator and what 0:17:11.236 --> 0:17:13.596 hits your breaks. Yeah, I'll put the link to that 0:17:13.636 --> 0:17:16.756 worksheet in the show notes, and I'm going to text 0:17:16.796 --> 0:17:19.436 my girlfriend right now and be like, let's fill out 0:17:19.476 --> 0:17:24.316 these sexy worksheets tonight. I think we should take a break. 0:17:24.556 --> 0:17:26.996 What do you think perfect? And then when we get 0:17:26.996 --> 0:17:30.036 back we can talk about how to apply this science 0:17:30.076 --> 0:17:31.996 in the real world. And I think we can answer 0:17:32.036 --> 0:17:48.036 Sarah's question. Okay, I want to recap the question. So 0:17:48.156 --> 0:17:49.996 we got to call in at the commas. You are 0:17:50.156 --> 0:17:54.596 hotline six four six three nine seven eight five five seven, 0:17:55.156 --> 0:17:58.676 and it's from a listener who uses the pseudonym Sarah. 0:17:58.916 --> 0:18:02.156 She's thirty four in single and she used to love 0:18:03.116 --> 0:18:07.876 I actually found a few synonyms for masturbation online. That's 0:18:07.876 --> 0:18:11.236 what the internet is for. It is, in fact, for that. 0:18:11.356 --> 0:18:13.756 So let me just try out of few, and you 0:18:13.756 --> 0:18:16.916 tell me which ones you like better. Okay, Oh my god. 0:18:16.996 --> 0:18:21.876 She used to love poaching the egg. This is my 0:18:21.916 --> 0:18:25.316 personal favorite. She used to love debugging her hard drive. 0:18:26.436 --> 0:18:31.876 What that's hilarious. Sorry, She used to love softening the peach. 0:18:33.036 --> 0:18:37.396 She used to love burping the worm. Oh my god. Okay, 0:18:38.116 --> 0:18:41.636 what that makes sense of a person who jaculates? It's 0:18:41.996 --> 0:18:46.636 burping a baby. Oh Emily, that got so much worse. 0:18:46.636 --> 0:18:51.116 Oh my god, I'm sorry you hadn't. No, of course 0:18:51.196 --> 0:18:56.116 you hadn't thought of that. No, um giving herself a 0:18:56.156 --> 0:19:01.396 hand typical. That's good. Okay, you got the picture of 0:19:01.396 --> 0:19:05.516 how Sarah used to be. I do. Okay, great, um, 0:19:05.556 --> 0:19:09.196 But recently something has changed, so hang on, let me 0:19:09.276 --> 0:19:12.956 play the clip. Over the last few years, it's like 0:19:12.996 --> 0:19:17.316 my desire to masturbate has just completely faded away. Like 0:19:17.396 --> 0:19:19.436 the other day, I realized I haven't masturbated in like 0:19:19.476 --> 0:19:21.596 six months, and I just don't feel like my old 0:19:21.636 --> 0:19:26.476 self washing porn does not cross my mind. I bought 0:19:26.476 --> 0:19:28.556 this new toy to even help me get back in 0:19:28.596 --> 0:19:32.036 the mood, and I've only used it once. I don't 0:19:32.036 --> 0:19:34.076 even want to get out there and date because I'm 0:19:34.116 --> 0:19:38.876 just not motivated by sex. Before we even get into 0:19:38.876 --> 0:19:41.396 answering this question, I want to start with an even 0:19:41.396 --> 0:19:45.396 more basic question to you, which is is this is 0:19:45.436 --> 0:19:49.676 there something wrong with like losing interest in masturbating. Let's 0:19:49.676 --> 0:19:52.476 say you know you don't masturbate. Somebody doesn't masturbate for 0:19:52.516 --> 0:19:55.116 five years and they just don't want to, like, does 0:19:55.116 --> 0:19:58.356 that mean that something has broken in their brain? Oh 0:19:58.356 --> 0:20:01.036 heck no. It is absolutely normal for interest in sex 0:20:01.076 --> 0:20:04.636 to come and go if you will. There is a 0:20:04.756 --> 0:20:08.596 natural ebb and flow to our interest in sex that's 0:20:08.636 --> 0:20:13.516 influent by the larger context. So, for example, at the 0:20:13.556 --> 0:20:16.436 beginning of a relationship, the hot and heavy, fallen in love, 0:20:16.596 --> 0:20:19.236 that creates a context that makes it really easy to 0:20:19.316 --> 0:20:23.036 think about sex kind of all the time. Compare that 0:20:23.116 --> 0:20:25.276 to being in the middle of a I don't know, 0:20:25.796 --> 0:20:30.556 global disaster, and that creates a context that really puts 0:20:30.556 --> 0:20:36.356 sex on the back burner. Science has shown us all 0:20:36.396 --> 0:20:40.996 along that nothing bad happens to you if you don't 0:20:40.996 --> 0:20:44.756 experience sex per se. So if we are still maintaining 0:20:44.796 --> 0:20:48.876 adequate love and connection, then sex can go away, and 0:20:49.396 --> 0:20:52.796 it is no kind of emergency. It's just an indication 0:20:53.436 --> 0:20:56.116 that other things have piled up in our priority list 0:20:56.316 --> 0:20:59.196 that have to be cleared away to free up the 0:20:59.276 --> 0:21:03.356 break so that our accelerator can do what it's there 0:21:03.396 --> 0:21:07.036 to do. What I also noticed in this question is 0:21:07.036 --> 0:21:09.636 that she says she doesn't even think about it. Sex 0:21:09.716 --> 0:21:13.276 drops off the priority list. We're thinking about all this 0:21:13.396 --> 0:21:16.156 other things, dealing with family and dealing with work and 0:21:16.596 --> 0:21:21.756 life and all that stuff, and sex goes away. It's 0:21:21.836 --> 0:21:26.396 that we've deprioritized pleasure in the midst of all of 0:21:26.436 --> 0:21:30.916 our stress and strife and struggle. And we've also given 0:21:30.996 --> 0:21:34.356 the nature of the pandemic, we've lost access to the 0:21:34.436 --> 0:21:37.876 resources we used to spend on self care. And we 0:21:37.956 --> 0:21:41.516 know from the statistics that women and fems have had 0:21:41.556 --> 0:21:43.916 this hit them especially hard. They're the ones who have 0:21:43.996 --> 0:21:49.076 had to leave their employment. They've been at home maybe 0:21:49.076 --> 0:21:52.196 with kids. And when you are stuck in parenting mode 0:21:52.236 --> 0:21:59.116 and caretaking mode, that is a million miles away from sexy, 0:21:59.276 --> 0:22:03.316 aroused pleasure in my body mode. Right, So we know 0:22:03.436 --> 0:22:05.716 that it has taken a toll on people's well being, 0:22:05.836 --> 0:22:09.516 cutting them off not just from social support, but also 0:22:09.876 --> 0:22:15.876 from the mental wherewithal to transition into a space of 0:22:16.556 --> 0:22:20.956 appreciating and loving the sensations of their bodies. Yeah, that's 0:22:20.956 --> 0:22:22.716 so true. Like we talk about the toll it took 0:22:22.796 --> 0:22:26.396 on our social well being and how actually we realized 0:22:26.476 --> 0:22:29.396 all these social connections are really important to our mental health, 0:22:30.036 --> 0:22:33.076 but there hasn't been that big conversation about how the 0:22:33.076 --> 0:22:35.636 pandemic that we're living in has changed our sexual well being. 0:22:35.876 --> 0:22:39.156 And fair enough, like the social connection is a literal drive. 0:22:39.236 --> 0:22:42.436 We die without it. It is more important, But sex 0:22:42.516 --> 0:22:45.316 is one of the key ways that humans give and 0:22:45.396 --> 0:22:49.956 receive love and care. Could you talk about some of 0:22:49.996 --> 0:22:55.276 the common things that hits people's breaks, Like what is 0:22:55.276 --> 0:22:57.676 an example of something that hits the breaks that's a 0:22:57.716 --> 0:23:01.636 habit or a pattern in our lives. The daily habits 0:23:01.676 --> 0:23:05.236 mostly are a matter of getting just absorbed in the 0:23:05.356 --> 0:23:09.516 management of life. So like the amount of time we 0:23:09.556 --> 0:23:14.476 have to spend working or dealing with our families, or 0:23:15.076 --> 0:23:19.316 taking care of our basic fundamental needs, feeding ourselves, cleaning ourselves, 0:23:20.716 --> 0:23:25.716 managing schedules and time with other people, and writing checks 0:23:25.756 --> 0:23:29.756 to pay bills. Like life is complicated and we are busy, 0:23:30.196 --> 0:23:34.196 and it is so easy for pleasure and sexuality to 0:23:35.556 --> 0:23:39.476 just feel like they're off, way in the distance. In 0:23:39.516 --> 0:23:42.596 the same way that these daily habits interfere with our 0:23:42.596 --> 0:23:47.596 access to pleasure, it takes a daily habit of prioritizing pleasure. 0:23:47.596 --> 0:23:50.236 If half an hours too much, make it three minutes 0:23:51.556 --> 0:23:55.356 where you just notice something pleasurable. If it's mindfully eating food, 0:23:55.556 --> 0:23:59.036 that's a pleasure. If it is standing in the shower 0:23:59.276 --> 0:24:03.076 and feeling your skin like as you wash your body, 0:24:03.156 --> 0:24:07.396 really noticing the sensation of soapy water dripping down your skin, 0:24:07.596 --> 0:24:11.316 like notice the pleasure, and remember that you are actually 0:24:11.356 --> 0:24:17.076 alive in your body, not just moving from task to task. Right, 0:24:17.596 --> 0:24:20.036 So it doesn't necessarily have to be like a sexual 0:24:20.116 --> 0:24:22.396 thing that is hitting the brakes or hitting the accelerator. 0:24:22.436 --> 0:24:25.596 It could be it could be something like a great shower, 0:24:25.876 --> 0:24:28.596 not necessarily sexual hitting the accelerating. The most important things 0:24:28.636 --> 0:24:32.196 about understanding the breaks is that most of the things 0:24:32.236 --> 0:24:34.836 that hit the brakes have nothing to do with sex. 0:24:35.556 --> 0:24:37.676 Even though I feel like it probably is the case 0:24:37.716 --> 0:24:41.916 that when people are raised with sex negative education, a 0:24:41.916 --> 0:24:45.636 lot of those breaks that they're learning are related to sex. 0:24:46.116 --> 0:24:49.756 Most of it is just like the rest of our lives, interfering. 0:24:50.196 --> 0:24:53.316 Do you have any other practical advice for Sarah? It 0:24:53.396 --> 0:24:55.956 seems like she wants to masturbate again and wants to 0:24:55.956 --> 0:24:58.836 really enjoy that connection, like wants to want it again. 0:24:59.276 --> 0:25:01.156 That seems like her question. She's like, I want to 0:25:01.156 --> 0:25:04.996 want it again? Why don't I? What's the problem? Do 0:25:05.036 --> 0:25:09.116 you have any sex specific advice? I'm not actually sure 0:25:09.316 --> 0:25:11.396 because she feels like there's something wrong with her that 0:25:11.476 --> 0:25:16.076 it's gone. So I believe that step one is grand 0:25:16.076 --> 0:25:18.276 your self permission not to be interested for a while, 0:25:19.636 --> 0:25:24.836 Deliberately choose to feel normal, healthy and happy and not 0:25:25.076 --> 0:25:28.036 interested in sex for a while. No one is ever 0:25:28.116 --> 0:25:32.996 under any obligation to be interested in sex ever, So 0:25:33.116 --> 0:25:39.716 try that first and then begin to explore other pleasures. 0:25:40.116 --> 0:25:43.516 Create space, the space that you've been using to worry 0:25:43.596 --> 0:25:49.196 about sex. Use that instead for space to experience all 0:25:49.316 --> 0:25:51.796 the many different ways that we experience pleasure in our 0:25:51.836 --> 0:25:55.796 daily lives, from the satisfaction of like lying down in 0:25:55.956 --> 0:26:01.356 bed with clean, fresh sheets. Showers are always a big one. 0:26:01.516 --> 0:26:05.396 Food is always an opportunity for a pleasure, walking outside 0:26:05.396 --> 0:26:08.436