1 00:00:15,356 --> 00:00:27,316 Speaker 1: Pushkin hi, and I'm going in. I have a question 2 00:00:27,356 --> 00:00:29,876 Speaker 1: for you. The other day I realized I haven't masturbated 3 00:00:29,996 --> 00:00:32,156 Speaker 1: in like six months, and I just don't feel like 4 00:00:32,196 --> 00:00:38,516 Speaker 1: my old self. You know, I get this question all 5 00:00:38,516 --> 00:00:42,996 Speaker 1: the time, and mostly people expect me to say things like, oh, 6 00:00:43,116 --> 00:00:45,676 Speaker 1: watch more porn and use fuzzy handcuffs. But actually the 7 00:00:45,716 --> 00:00:51,156 Speaker 1: answer is sexual interest changes all the time and it 8 00:00:51,196 --> 00:00:54,036 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that there's anything wrong at all. And instead 9 00:00:54,076 --> 00:00:57,836 Speaker 1: of worrying about how sexual interest comes and goes, can 10 00:00:57,876 --> 00:01:02,196 Speaker 1: we focus instead on whether or not you're experiencing pleasure 11 00:01:02,276 --> 00:01:09,316 Speaker 1: in your life. I'm Emmilinagaski and this is the Come 12 00:01:09,316 --> 00:01:12,556 Speaker 1: as you Are podcast, where I answer questions about sex 13 00:01:13,236 --> 00:01:17,116 Speaker 1: with science. In this episode, I want to introduce you 14 00:01:17,196 --> 00:01:20,796 Speaker 1: to a really simple, but radical shift in the way 15 00:01:20,836 --> 00:01:25,756 Speaker 1: we think about sexual interest. Pop culture teaches us it's 16 00:01:25,796 --> 00:01:28,876 Speaker 1: all about getting turned on. Movies and TV portrayals of 17 00:01:28,916 --> 00:01:34,036 Speaker 1: sexual desire have led us to a collective misunderstanding about 18 00:01:34,076 --> 00:01:38,276 Speaker 1: how horniness really works, as in, how it works in 19 00:01:38,316 --> 00:01:42,236 Speaker 1: our brains. So today we're going to talk about the 20 00:01:42,276 --> 00:01:48,076 Speaker 1: real way horniness works. It's called the dual control model, 21 00:01:48,316 --> 00:01:51,556 Speaker 1: and it is, in my opinion, one of the single 22 00:01:51,596 --> 00:01:56,716 Speaker 1: most important, most life changing pieces of research on human sexuality. 23 00:01:57,196 --> 00:01:59,396 Speaker 1: I'm going to be answering a listener's question today, and 24 00:01:59,516 --> 00:02:03,956 Speaker 1: bringing me that question is my producer mo I'm hey, Emily. 25 00:02:04,756 --> 00:02:07,276 Speaker 1: Here we are. It's our very first episode of the 26 00:02:07,316 --> 00:02:10,556 Speaker 1: Come As You Are Podcast. How are you feeling about it? 27 00:02:10,556 --> 00:02:15,956 Speaker 1: It's thrilling. Are you thrilled? I'm thrilled. I'm feeling really good. 28 00:02:16,396 --> 00:02:18,356 Speaker 1: I also just feel really lucky to be on this 29 00:02:18,436 --> 00:02:22,236 Speaker 1: show with you. Like one, I'm, you know, sematically incapable 30 00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:26,556 Speaker 1: of chill, like I'm a very overeager person. But also 31 00:02:26,956 --> 00:02:29,036 Speaker 1: it's very special for me to get to work with you, 32 00:02:29,076 --> 00:02:32,196 Speaker 1: in particular because I read your book Come As You 33 00:02:32,236 --> 00:02:34,636 Speaker 1: Are when I was in college. I went to the 34 00:02:34,716 --> 00:02:38,596 Speaker 1: University of North Carolina UNC Chapel Hill, and your book 35 00:02:38,676 --> 00:02:41,676 Speaker 1: was something I found on a suggested reading list, I 36 00:02:41,716 --> 00:02:44,516 Speaker 1: think in a women's studies course, and I just fell 37 00:02:44,556 --> 00:02:47,156 Speaker 1: in love with the message of your book, and I 38 00:02:47,236 --> 00:02:49,996 Speaker 1: kept Come As You Are on my mantelpiece in my 39 00:02:50,116 --> 00:02:54,716 Speaker 1: like off campus college house as a symbol for everyone 40 00:02:54,756 --> 00:02:57,316 Speaker 1: that came over to my house that like, I own 41 00:02:57,396 --> 00:03:00,996 Speaker 1: my body and I'm having sex for me and I'm 42 00:03:00,996 --> 00:03:03,356 Speaker 1: pursuing my own pleasure, and it was a big part 43 00:03:03,436 --> 00:03:07,596 Speaker 1: of like my young slut era. And I really appreciate 44 00:03:07,676 --> 00:03:10,956 Speaker 1: that a gift you gave me. That's amazing. I love that. 45 00:03:11,076 --> 00:03:13,236 Speaker 1: I feel like it could not possibly be random chance, 46 00:03:13,796 --> 00:03:17,996 Speaker 1: like we were destined to work on this project together. Yeah, 47 00:03:18,236 --> 00:03:21,076 Speaker 1: your book really did change my perspective on so many things, 48 00:03:21,196 --> 00:03:23,076 Speaker 1: and so when I heard that you were working on 49 00:03:23,076 --> 00:03:25,756 Speaker 1: this show, I was like, please pick me, pick me. 50 00:03:25,796 --> 00:03:27,796 Speaker 1: It was raising my hand really hard. I love that. 51 00:03:28,116 --> 00:03:31,236 Speaker 1: Another reason I'm so excited for this podcast to exist 52 00:03:31,316 --> 00:03:35,036 Speaker 1: because like I grew up in a small town in 53 00:03:35,036 --> 00:03:40,596 Speaker 1: North Carolina, and I had abstinence only sex said, and 54 00:03:40,916 --> 00:03:45,076 Speaker 1: I was a like unknowing at the time, little gay kid, 55 00:03:45,276 --> 00:03:50,396 Speaker 1: and I basically was horrified and scared by the sexual 56 00:03:50,476 --> 00:03:53,316 Speaker 1: education that I got or the lack of sexual education 57 00:03:53,356 --> 00:03:54,956 Speaker 1: that I got. But the little that I did get 58 00:03:55,116 --> 00:03:58,596 Speaker 1: was basically like STDs can kill you, and if you 59 00:03:58,636 --> 00:04:01,396 Speaker 1: have sex once, you're ruined forever and no one will 60 00:04:01,436 --> 00:04:05,316 Speaker 1: want you after that, And that really it affected me. 61 00:04:05,476 --> 00:04:10,196 Speaker 1: And I think having real and non judgment information, like 62 00:04:10,276 --> 00:04:14,156 Speaker 1: the message that you have income as you are and 63 00:04:14,276 --> 00:04:17,196 Speaker 1: in all your work, like having that out there actually 64 00:04:17,236 --> 00:04:22,356 Speaker 1: makes a huge difference in people's everyday sex lives. Well yeay, 65 00:04:23,356 --> 00:04:26,396 Speaker 1: And I see my work as being the opposite of 66 00:04:26,476 --> 00:04:29,836 Speaker 1: absinence only education. Not because I'm like everybody should have 67 00:04:29,916 --> 00:04:31,916 Speaker 1: sex all the time. I think people should have sex 68 00:04:31,956 --> 00:04:34,836 Speaker 1: when and how they choose too when is right for themselves, 69 00:04:35,236 --> 00:04:40,716 Speaker 1: but because I believe that sex need not be scary 70 00:04:40,916 --> 00:04:44,396 Speaker 1: in our lives. I think that if we can embrace 71 00:04:44,956 --> 00:04:49,236 Speaker 1: pleasure into our lives, That's really the whole basis of 72 00:04:49,276 --> 00:04:52,516 Speaker 1: my work. It's the whole basis of the show. The 73 00:04:52,596 --> 00:04:55,916 Speaker 1: Prelude episode with Adrian Marie Brown, if you haven't heard 74 00:04:55,956 --> 00:04:58,036 Speaker 1: it yet, please go back and listen to it. Yes, 75 00:04:58,556 --> 00:05:00,836 Speaker 1: that's really the foundation of everything we're going to be 76 00:05:00,876 --> 00:05:03,956 Speaker 1: talking about. Heart agree. I put a lot of special 77 00:05:03,956 --> 00:05:07,636 Speaker 1: love into the Prelude, But this episode is our first 78 00:05:07,636 --> 00:05:10,716 Speaker 1: episode where we're going to be serring a listener question. 79 00:05:11,556 --> 00:05:13,556 Speaker 1: So we got a message on the come as you 80 00:05:13,596 --> 00:05:17,476 Speaker 1: are hotline six four six, three nine seven eight five 81 00:05:17,636 --> 00:05:21,836 Speaker 1: five seven. I chose it because it really speaks to 82 00:05:21,916 --> 00:05:25,316 Speaker 1: the time we're in right now, like the pandemic has 83 00:05:25,396 --> 00:05:29,596 Speaker 1: changed a lot of our relationships with ourselves and of 84 00:05:29,636 --> 00:05:34,476 Speaker 1: course with sex and with masturbation, but also just pleasure 85 00:05:34,676 --> 00:05:38,716 Speaker 1: on the day to day, like just everyday pleasures and happiness. 86 00:05:39,316 --> 00:05:42,276 Speaker 1: I think you're absolutely right. Rates of mental health struggles 87 00:05:42,276 --> 00:05:45,716 Speaker 1: have vastly increased. People's sense of overwhelm and exhaustion and 88 00:05:46,236 --> 00:05:50,596 Speaker 1: acxistential dread have increased vastly just over the last couple 89 00:05:50,596 --> 00:05:52,436 Speaker 1: of years. And is that going to interfere with our 90 00:05:52,436 --> 00:05:58,876 Speaker 1: sex lives? You bet your bippy right exactly. Yes. I 91 00:05:58,916 --> 00:06:03,156 Speaker 1: wanted to pull a question from a caller whose sexual 92 00:06:03,676 --> 00:06:08,876 Speaker 1: desire or horniness has basically changed drastically during the pandemic. 93 00:06:09,716 --> 00:06:13,116 Speaker 1: All right, so here we go. Hi. My name is Sarah, 94 00:06:13,156 --> 00:06:16,916 Speaker 1: my pronouns are she her. I'm thirty four and single, 95 00:06:17,236 --> 00:06:20,916 Speaker 1: and I used to have a lot of fun with myself. 96 00:06:21,876 --> 00:06:24,996 Speaker 1: I had and I still have all these fancy toys. 97 00:06:25,076 --> 00:06:28,196 Speaker 1: But over the last few years, it's like my desire 98 00:06:28,276 --> 00:06:32,396 Speaker 1: to masturbate has just completely faded away. Like the other day, 99 00:06:32,436 --> 00:06:34,756 Speaker 1: I realized I haven't masturbated in like six months, and 100 00:06:34,796 --> 00:06:38,116 Speaker 1: I just don't feel like my old self washing porn 101 00:06:38,436 --> 00:06:41,716 Speaker 1: does not cross my mind. I bought this new toy 102 00:06:41,876 --> 00:06:43,876 Speaker 1: to even help me get back in the mood, and 103 00:06:44,276 --> 00:06:47,316 Speaker 1: I've only used it once, I don't even want to 104 00:06:47,316 --> 00:06:50,156 Speaker 1: get out there and date because I'm just not motivated 105 00:06:50,156 --> 00:06:53,316 Speaker 1: by sex. It sounds like work to me, and I 106 00:06:53,396 --> 00:06:55,836 Speaker 1: don't know what's wrong, Like by the time I get 107 00:06:55,836 --> 00:06:58,636 Speaker 1: home from work, walk my dog, make dinner, I just 108 00:06:58,796 --> 00:07:01,676 Speaker 1: want to sit down and watch TV. And I feel 109 00:07:01,716 --> 00:07:04,756 Speaker 1: really tired all the time. And so I wonder if 110 00:07:04,756 --> 00:07:07,756 Speaker 1: you can help me figure out what's wrong with me. 111 00:07:11,756 --> 00:07:15,716 Speaker 1: This answer might shock you, but no, I can't explain 112 00:07:15,756 --> 00:07:19,316 Speaker 1: what's wrong with you because there is nothing wrong with you. 113 00:07:21,196 --> 00:07:25,076 Speaker 1: Everything that we're hearing in this question is just Sarah's 114 00:07:25,116 --> 00:07:31,836 Speaker 1: brain responding normally to an abnormal world. What science do 115 00:07:31,876 --> 00:07:39,236 Speaker 1: we need to understand to answer this question for Sarah? Okay, 116 00:07:39,436 --> 00:07:41,476 Speaker 1: this is thrilling for me. It's like I'm introducing you 117 00:07:41,516 --> 00:07:48,836 Speaker 1: to my most famous friend. Welcome to the dual control model, 118 00:07:49,356 --> 00:07:54,156 Speaker 1: how our brains process sex related information. Dual control model 119 00:07:54,196 --> 00:07:56,796 Speaker 1: means there's two parts. In the first part is that 120 00:07:56,916 --> 00:08:01,396 Speaker 1: sexual accelerator that gets turned on. It notices all the 121 00:08:01,476 --> 00:08:05,636 Speaker 1: sexy information in the environment. That's everything you feel with 122 00:08:05,636 --> 00:08:10,196 Speaker 1: your basic senses, what you see here, smell, touch, taste, 123 00:08:10,236 --> 00:08:12,956 Speaker 1: but also the things that you think, believe, or imagine 124 00:08:12,996 --> 00:08:17,516 Speaker 1: and also the sensations inside your body, the sexual excitation system. 125 00:08:17,556 --> 00:08:21,316 Speaker 1: The accelerator notices all of that, and it sends that 126 00:08:21,436 --> 00:08:24,956 Speaker 1: turn on signal the many of us are familiar with. 127 00:08:25,956 --> 00:08:29,876 Speaker 1: But also at the same time, in parallel, you have 128 00:08:29,996 --> 00:08:33,396 Speaker 1: breaks that are noticing all the good reasons not to 129 00:08:33,436 --> 00:08:36,836 Speaker 1: be turned on right now, everything with your basic senses, 130 00:08:36,876 --> 00:08:42,276 Speaker 1: the everything you see here, smell, touch, taste, and everything 131 00:08:42,316 --> 00:08:45,476 Speaker 1: you think, believe or imagine, and all the sensations in 132 00:08:45,516 --> 00:08:50,476 Speaker 1: your body, it notices everything that's a potential threat, and 133 00:08:50,596 --> 00:08:56,076 Speaker 1: it sends the turn off signal. So arousal is not 134 00:08:56,156 --> 00:08:59,276 Speaker 1: just the process of turning on the OS. It's also, 135 00:08:59,516 --> 00:09:04,036 Speaker 1: and more importantly, the process of turning off the offs. 136 00:09:04,076 --> 00:09:08,516 Speaker 1: When people are struggling, the usual advice of how to 137 00:09:08,636 --> 00:09:13,396 Speaker 1: deal with any difficulty around arousal pleasure, desire, orgasm, The 138 00:09:13,516 --> 00:09:16,916 Speaker 1: usual advice you hear is like, let's add stimulation to 139 00:09:16,956 --> 00:09:20,996 Speaker 1: the accelerator, watching porn, doing roleplay, handcoffs, all that stuff. 140 00:09:21,196 --> 00:09:23,556 Speaker 1: And sometimes that can work and can be great. But 141 00:09:23,716 --> 00:09:26,756 Speaker 1: a lot of the time when people are struggling, it's 142 00:09:26,796 --> 00:09:30,156 Speaker 1: not because there's too little stimulation to the accelerator. It's 143 00:09:30,196 --> 00:09:35,716 Speaker 1: because there is too much stimulation to the breaks. Our 144 00:09:35,756 --> 00:09:38,516 Speaker 1: listener says, it's been a couple of years. What's been 145 00:09:38,596 --> 00:09:44,116 Speaker 1: happening the last couple of years, right, I don't know, 146 00:09:44,276 --> 00:09:47,876 Speaker 1: a global pandemic where your breath could potentially carry a 147 00:09:47,996 --> 00:09:51,956 Speaker 1: lethal virus that might hit the break as like a 148 00:09:51,956 --> 00:09:54,396 Speaker 1: good reason not to be turned on right now as 149 00:09:54,436 --> 00:09:57,916 Speaker 1: a potential threat. She says, the dating feels just like 150 00:09:57,956 --> 00:10:02,876 Speaker 1: a lot of work, no kidding. The first time I 151 00:10:02,916 --> 00:10:05,316 Speaker 1: heard this, MLA, this truly blew my mind. May do 152 00:10:05,556 --> 00:10:07,636 Speaker 1: and what I especially love. So this is one of 153 00:10:07,636 --> 00:10:10,036 Speaker 1: my favorite things about the dual control model is that 154 00:10:10,076 --> 00:10:15,876 Speaker 1: there can be some stimuli that both hit the accelerator 155 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:20,676 Speaker 1: and hit the brake, especially someone like you who grew 156 00:10:20,756 --> 00:10:24,356 Speaker 1: up being told that sex is like dirty and dangerous. 157 00:10:25,116 --> 00:10:29,276 Speaker 1: Sex related stimuli will activate the accelerator because it's sex related, 158 00:10:29,596 --> 00:10:31,916 Speaker 1: but also you were taught it's dirty and dangerous, and 159 00:10:31,956 --> 00:10:34,676 Speaker 1: so it's also going to hit the break. And what's 160 00:10:34,756 --> 00:10:37,116 Speaker 1: effect is that going to have on your sexual arousal 161 00:10:37,236 --> 00:10:40,796 Speaker 1: sexual interest? WHOA if you try to drive a car 162 00:10:40,876 --> 00:10:42,676 Speaker 1: with your foot on the accelerator and on the brake 163 00:10:42,716 --> 00:10:46,156 Speaker 1: at the same time, how does that go? Wow? Wow 164 00:10:46,236 --> 00:10:49,716 Speaker 1: wow wow? Okay, listeners can't see me. But I just 165 00:10:49,756 --> 00:10:51,876 Speaker 1: took my cowboy hat off, so I can process what 166 00:10:51,956 --> 00:10:55,396 Speaker 1: you just said. A lot of feelings about that that 167 00:10:55,476 --> 00:10:58,876 Speaker 1: I didn't know. We're there, Like, of course something can 168 00:10:58,996 --> 00:11:02,476 Speaker 1: hit my accelerator, but if I was told my whole 169 00:11:02,476 --> 00:11:06,076 Speaker 1: life that it shouldn't hit my accelerator, then it can 170 00:11:06,156 --> 00:11:11,316 Speaker 1: also that same thing can also be hitting my brake. Oh, 171 00:11:12,716 --> 00:11:15,996 Speaker 1: this is something I should process later with my therapist. 172 00:11:17,756 --> 00:11:19,836 Speaker 1: I was gonna say that sounds like something you should 173 00:11:19,876 --> 00:11:23,236 Speaker 1: talk to your therapist about, but I want to make 174 00:11:23,236 --> 00:11:26,556 Speaker 1: sure that you know that your breaks and accelerator can 175 00:11:26,596 --> 00:11:29,996 Speaker 1: be trained. So in the same way that your breaks 176 00:11:30,156 --> 00:11:34,996 Speaker 1: learned to respond to sex related stimuli, they can learn 177 00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:39,356 Speaker 1: not to respond just by practicing having a little bit 178 00:11:39,396 --> 00:11:45,236 Speaker 1: of exposure and relaxing, feeling calm and safe, and allowing 179 00:11:45,436 --> 00:11:47,996 Speaker 1: the shame that you absorbed from culture to let go. 180 00:11:49,556 --> 00:11:52,036 Speaker 1: Like your sex life will only get better because of 181 00:11:52,036 --> 00:11:55,236 Speaker 1: this revelation. So that's one of the really powerful things. 182 00:11:55,276 --> 00:11:58,476 Speaker 1: Way beyond just like turn ons and turn offs? Is 183 00:11:58,476 --> 00:12:01,796 Speaker 1: this just a like in just like one is Ambivalence 184 00:12:02,076 --> 00:12:04,876 Speaker 1: is totally normal because of the way your brain has 185 00:12:04,876 --> 00:12:08,196 Speaker 1: been trained to respond to stimuli. And the other thing 186 00:12:08,716 --> 00:12:13,276 Speaker 1: is that the same stimulus in one context might activate 187 00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:17,676 Speaker 1: the accelerator, but in a different context it'll hit the brakes. 188 00:12:17,716 --> 00:12:20,516 Speaker 1: Like if you are like private and the door is 189 00:12:20,556 --> 00:12:22,676 Speaker 1: locked and you know you're not going to be interrupted, 190 00:12:23,116 --> 00:12:26,596 Speaker 1: and you're feeling really aroused and turned on and trusting 191 00:12:26,596 --> 00:12:29,236 Speaker 1: of your partner. If you have a partner, it can 192 00:12:29,276 --> 00:12:32,916 Speaker 1: feel really fun to be tickled. But if you're in 193 00:12:32,916 --> 00:12:35,876 Speaker 1: the grocery store having a fight with your partner and 194 00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:39,436 Speaker 1: they try to tickle you, that sensation is not going 195 00:12:39,516 --> 00:12:43,956 Speaker 1: to activate the accelerator. And that is normal. I cannot 196 00:12:43,996 --> 00:12:47,476 Speaker 1: tell you how many people have asked me if there's 197 00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:50,556 Speaker 1: something about their body that's broken, because a sensation that 198 00:12:50,636 --> 00:12:54,436 Speaker 1: really turns them on in one context either doesn't turn 199 00:12:54,476 --> 00:12:58,836 Speaker 1: them on or is actively annoying in a different context. Right, 200 00:12:59,796 --> 00:13:02,996 Speaker 1: breaks an accelerator, girls, what you need to know? Okay, 201 00:13:03,196 --> 00:13:07,636 Speaker 1: I think it's really important to clarify that, Like, you're 202 00:13:07,676 --> 00:13:11,876 Speaker 1: not talking about the break an accelerator as a metaphor, right, 203 00:13:12,356 --> 00:13:15,196 Speaker 1: This is not a metaphor. This is the literal way 204 00:13:15,236 --> 00:13:18,476 Speaker 1: our brain's process information. Yes, because it's a real thing 205 00:13:18,556 --> 00:13:21,676 Speaker 1: that is really happening in your real, actual brain. You 206 00:13:21,716 --> 00:13:23,836 Speaker 1: are an animal with a body. You have a head, 207 00:13:23,876 --> 00:13:26,756 Speaker 1: there's a skull, and inside that skull there's a brain. 208 00:13:27,116 --> 00:13:33,436 Speaker 1: And inside that brain is a cluster of neuroconnections that 209 00:13:33,636 --> 00:13:38,476 Speaker 1: respond to sexuality, some of them to activate arousal and 210 00:13:38,756 --> 00:13:44,596 Speaker 1: some of them to stop arousal. I literally remember the day. 211 00:13:44,636 --> 00:13:47,276 Speaker 1: It was nineteen ninety nine. I was sitting in the 212 00:13:47,316 --> 00:13:52,036 Speaker 1: counseling office at Indiana University in John Bancroft was explaining 213 00:13:52,036 --> 00:13:53,876 Speaker 1: the dual control model. He drew a picture of the 214 00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,916 Speaker 1: brain and the spine as he was explaining, and I 215 00:13:55,956 --> 00:14:02,996 Speaker 1: was like, Oh, there's a break that this was a 216 00:14:03,036 --> 00:14:07,396 Speaker 1: physical mechanism that literally existed in the central nervous system, 217 00:14:07,436 --> 00:14:11,556 Speaker 1: the excitatory and inhibitory impulses. This is not a metaphor. 218 00:14:11,956 --> 00:14:15,916 Speaker 1: This is the literal way our brain's process information. Right. 219 00:14:17,036 --> 00:14:19,556 Speaker 1: One of the reasons I chose this question is because 220 00:14:19,716 --> 00:14:22,676 Speaker 1: she is just talking about her experience with masturbation, and 221 00:14:22,836 --> 00:14:28,036 Speaker 1: I never really thought about masturbation having these same levers 222 00:14:28,156 --> 00:14:31,796 Speaker 1: of turn ons and turn offs before. I've only thought 223 00:14:31,796 --> 00:14:34,956 Speaker 1: about that in the context of like partnered sex. But 224 00:14:35,036 --> 00:14:38,316 Speaker 1: you're saying it's the same system whether it's masturbation or 225 00:14:38,356 --> 00:14:43,036 Speaker 1: partnered sex. Right, Yeah, it's the same brain. What about 226 00:14:43,076 --> 00:14:46,596 Speaker 1: this question makes you think that the dual control model 227 00:14:46,996 --> 00:14:49,276 Speaker 1: is the answer the breaks and the accelerator is the 228 00:14:49,356 --> 00:14:52,756 Speaker 1: answer to Sarah's question. You know, there are two phrases. 229 00:14:52,836 --> 00:14:55,796 Speaker 1: First of all, there's I don't feel like my old self, 230 00:14:56,516 --> 00:15:00,076 Speaker 1: which indicates that there was a change. And often when 231 00:15:00,116 --> 00:15:04,516 Speaker 1: there's a change, people think it's something about themselves that 232 00:15:04,556 --> 00:15:09,796 Speaker 1: has changed, when actually what has changed is the text 233 00:15:10,316 --> 00:15:14,476 Speaker 1: in which her brain is interpreting all this information. So 234 00:15:14,596 --> 00:15:18,716 Speaker 1: she's not broken. Something happened in the world that made 235 00:15:18,716 --> 00:15:21,876 Speaker 1: her brain adapt and adjust, and that's totally normal when 236 00:15:21,916 --> 00:15:25,156 Speaker 1: you understand that, yes, there's an accelerator, and also, yes, 237 00:15:25,276 --> 00:15:31,476 Speaker 1: there's a break that's responding to a global crisis. Oh, 238 00:15:31,516 --> 00:15:34,156 Speaker 1: it's not me, it's the world. This is my brain 239 00:15:34,236 --> 00:15:38,596 Speaker 1: responding normally to some very nutso stuff that's happening in 240 00:15:38,596 --> 00:15:44,236 Speaker 1: the world. And the other sentence was it just feels 241 00:15:44,236 --> 00:15:46,236 Speaker 1: like a lot of work. It sounds like a lot 242 00:15:46,276 --> 00:15:50,956 Speaker 1: of work to me. Yeah, right, that's there being a 243 00:15:51,036 --> 00:15:54,956 Speaker 1: lot of pressure on the brakes. Oh interest, especially for 244 00:15:55,036 --> 00:15:58,236 Speaker 1: a person who has a history of really enjoying masturbating 245 00:15:58,796 --> 00:16:02,756 Speaker 1: their accelerator. We know responds really well because they have 246 00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:07,516 Speaker 1: this history of being aroused and enjoying sexuality, and now 247 00:16:07,676 --> 00:16:10,636 Speaker 1: a bunch of stuff that's hit the brain, and it 248 00:16:10,676 --> 00:16:13,276 Speaker 1: feels like a lot of work. What's changed is nothing 249 00:16:13,316 --> 00:16:17,276 Speaker 1: about this person, but just the world that their brain 250 00:16:17,396 --> 00:16:20,436 Speaker 1: is processing. More stuff is there that hits the brakes. 251 00:16:21,116 --> 00:16:24,236 Speaker 1: So like if, for example, she made a list of 252 00:16:24,276 --> 00:16:26,756 Speaker 1: today all the things she knows activate the accelerator and 253 00:16:26,756 --> 00:16:28,596 Speaker 1: all the things that she knows are hitting the brakes, 254 00:16:28,916 --> 00:16:32,196 Speaker 1: and then she thought back to you know, twenty nineteen, 255 00:16:32,476 --> 00:16:36,396 Speaker 1: for example, or twenty sixteen even better, and made a 256 00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:38,676 Speaker 1: list of things that activated or accelerator then and things 257 00:16:38,676 --> 00:16:43,196 Speaker 1: that hit the brakes then, and compared, you'd be able 258 00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:46,036 Speaker 1: to see, Oh, it's not that I change, it's just 259 00:16:46,116 --> 00:16:55,916 Speaker 1: the context changed, right. I actually have worksheets for this 260 00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:58,516 Speaker 1: in the company you are workbooking, and you're getting download 261 00:16:58,556 --> 00:17:00,396 Speaker 1: them for free from my website, where you think through 262 00:17:00,476 --> 00:17:03,556 Speaker 1: multiple and it actually really helps to think through multiple 263 00:17:03,636 --> 00:17:06,596 Speaker 1: experiences because if you get up to three, you're gonna 264 00:17:06,636 --> 00:17:11,076 Speaker 1: start noticing patterns in what activates your accelerator and what 265 00:17:11,236 --> 00:17:13,596 Speaker 1: hits your breaks. Yeah, I'll put the link to that 266 00:17:13,636 --> 00:17:16,756 Speaker 1: worksheet in the show notes, and I'm going to text 267 00:17:16,796 --> 00:17:19,436 Speaker 1: my girlfriend right now and be like, let's fill out 268 00:17:19,476 --> 00:17:24,316 Speaker 1: these sexy worksheets tonight. I think we should take a break. 269 00:17:24,556 --> 00:17:26,996 Speaker 1: What do you think perfect? And then when we get 270 00:17:26,996 --> 00:17:30,036 Speaker 1: back we can talk about how to apply this science 271 00:17:30,076 --> 00:17:31,996 Speaker 1: in the real world. And I think we can answer 272 00:17:32,036 --> 00:17:48,036 Speaker 1: Sarah's question. Okay, I want to recap the question. So 273 00:17:48,156 --> 00:17:49,996 Speaker 1: we got to call in at the commas. You are 274 00:17:50,156 --> 00:17:54,596 Speaker 1: hotline six four six three nine seven eight five five seven, 275 00:17:55,156 --> 00:17:58,676 Speaker 1: and it's from a listener who uses the pseudonym Sarah. 276 00:17:58,916 --> 00:18:02,156 Speaker 1: She's thirty four in single and she used to love 277 00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:07,876 Speaker 1: I actually found a few synonyms for masturbation online. That's 278 00:18:07,876 --> 00:18:11,236 Speaker 1: what the internet is for. It is, in fact, for that. 279 00:18:11,356 --> 00:18:13,756 Speaker 1: So let me just try out of few, and you 280 00:18:13,756 --> 00:18:16,916 Speaker 1: tell me which ones you like better. Okay, Oh my god. 281 00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:21,876 Speaker 1: She used to love poaching the egg. This is my 282 00:18:21,916 --> 00:18:25,316 Speaker 1: personal favorite. She used to love debugging her hard drive. 283 00:18:26,436 --> 00:18:31,876 Speaker 1: What that's hilarious. Sorry, She used to love softening the peach. 284 00:18:33,036 --> 00:18:37,396 Speaker 1: She used to love burping the worm. Oh my god. Okay, 285 00:18:38,116 --> 00:18:41,636 Speaker 1: what that makes sense of a person who jaculates? It's 286 00:18:41,996 --> 00:18:46,636 Speaker 1: burping a baby. Oh Emily, that got so much worse. 287 00:18:46,636 --> 00:18:51,116 Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'm sorry you hadn't. No, of course 288 00:18:51,196 --> 00:18:56,116 Speaker 1: you hadn't thought of that. No, um giving herself a 289 00:18:56,156 --> 00:19:01,396 Speaker 1: hand typical. That's good. Okay, you got the picture of 290 00:19:01,396 --> 00:19:05,516 Speaker 1: how Sarah used to be. I do. Okay, great, um, 291 00:19:05,556 --> 00:19:09,196 Speaker 1: But recently something has changed, so hang on, let me 292 00:19:09,276 --> 00:19:12,956 Speaker 1: play the clip. Over the last few years, it's like 293 00:19:12,996 --> 00:19:17,316 Speaker 1: my desire to masturbate has just completely faded away. Like 294 00:19:17,396 --> 00:19:19,436 Speaker 1: the other day, I realized I haven't masturbated in like 295 00:19:19,476 --> 00:19:21,596 Speaker 1: six months, and I just don't feel like my old 296 00:19:21,636 --> 00:19:26,476 Speaker 1: self washing porn does not cross my mind. I bought 297 00:19:26,476 --> 00:19:28,556 Speaker 1: this new toy to even help me get back in 298 00:19:28,596 --> 00:19:32,036 Speaker 1: the mood, and I've only used it once. I don't 299 00:19:32,036 --> 00:19:34,076 Speaker 1: even want to get out there and date because I'm 300 00:19:34,116 --> 00:19:38,876 Speaker 1: just not motivated by sex. Before we even get into 301 00:19:38,876 --> 00:19:41,396 Speaker 1: answering this question, I want to start with an even 302 00:19:41,396 --> 00:19:45,396 Speaker 1: more basic question to you, which is is this is 303 00:19:45,436 --> 00:19:49,676 Speaker 1: there something wrong with like losing interest in masturbating. Let's 304 00:19:49,676 --> 00:19:52,476 Speaker 1: say you know you don't masturbate. Somebody doesn't masturbate for 305 00:19:52,516 --> 00:19:55,116 Speaker 1: five years and they just don't want to, like, does 306 00:19:55,116 --> 00:19:58,356 Speaker 1: that mean that something has broken in their brain? Oh 307 00:19:58,356 --> 00:20:01,036 Speaker 1: heck no. It is absolutely normal for interest in sex 308 00:20:01,076 --> 00:20:04,636 Speaker 1: to come and go if you will. There is a 309 00:20:04,756 --> 00:20:08,596 Speaker 1: natural ebb and flow to our interest in sex that's 310 00:20:08,636 --> 00:20:13,516 Speaker 1: influent by the larger context. So, for example, at the 311 00:20:13,556 --> 00:20:16,436 Speaker 1: beginning of a relationship, the hot and heavy, fallen in love, 312 00:20:16,596 --> 00:20:19,236 Speaker 1: that creates a context that makes it really easy to 313 00:20:19,316 --> 00:20:23,036 Speaker 1: think about sex kind of all the time. Compare that 314 00:20:23,116 --> 00:20:25,276 Speaker 1: to being in the middle of a I don't know, 315 00:20:25,796 --> 00:20:30,556 Speaker 1: global disaster, and that creates a context that really puts 316 00:20:30,556 --> 00:20:36,356 Speaker 1: sex on the back burner. Science has shown us all 317 00:20:36,396 --> 00:20:40,996 Speaker 1: along that nothing bad happens to you if you don't 318 00:20:40,996 --> 00:20:44,756 Speaker 1: experience sex per se. So if we are still maintaining 319 00:20:44,796 --> 00:20:48,876 Speaker 1: adequate love and connection, then sex can go away, and 320 00:20:49,396 --> 00:20:52,796 Speaker 1: it is no kind of emergency. It's just an indication 321 00:20:53,436 --> 00:20:56,116 Speaker 1: that other things have piled up in our priority list 322 00:20:56,316 --> 00:20:59,196 Speaker 1: that have to be cleared away to free up the 323 00:20:59,276 --> 00:21:03,356 Speaker 1: break so that our accelerator can do what it's there 324 00:21:03,396 --> 00:21:07,036 Speaker 1: to do. What I also noticed in this question is 325 00:21:07,036 --> 00:21:09,636 Speaker 1: that she says she doesn't even think about it. Sex 326 00:21:09,716 --> 00:21:13,276 Speaker 1: drops off the priority list. We're thinking about all this 327 00:21:13,396 --> 00:21:16,156 Speaker 1: other things, dealing with family and dealing with work and 328 00:21:16,596 --> 00:21:21,756 Speaker 1: life and all that stuff, and sex goes away. It's 329 00:21:21,836 --> 00:21:26,396 Speaker 1: that we've deprioritized pleasure in the midst of all of 330 00:21:26,436 --> 00:21:30,916 Speaker 1: our stress and strife and struggle. And we've also given 331 00:21:30,996 --> 00:21:34,356 Speaker 1: the nature of the pandemic, we've lost access to the 332 00:21:34,436 --> 00:21:37,876 Speaker 1: resources we used to spend on self care. And we 333 00:21:37,956 --> 00:21:41,516 Speaker 1: know from the statistics that women and fems have had 334 00:21:41,556 --> 00:21:43,916 Speaker 1: this hit them especially hard. They're the ones who have 335 00:21:43,996 --> 00:21:49,076 Speaker 1: had to leave their employment. They've been at home maybe 336 00:21:49,076 --> 00:21:52,196 Speaker 1: with kids. And when you are stuck in parenting mode 337 00:21:52,236 --> 00:21:59,116 Speaker 1: and caretaking mode, that is a million miles away from sexy, 338 00:21:59,276 --> 00:22:03,316 Speaker 1: aroused pleasure in my body mode. Right, So we know 339 00:22:03,436 --> 00:22:05,716 Speaker 1: that it has taken a toll on people's well being, 340 00:22:05,836 --> 00:22:09,516 Speaker 1: cutting them off not just from social support, but also 341 00:22:09,876 --> 00:22:15,876 Speaker 1: from the mental wherewithal to transition into a space of 342 00:22:16,556 --> 00:22:20,956 Speaker 1: appreciating and loving the sensations of their bodies. Yeah, that's 343 00:22:20,956 --> 00:22:22,716 Speaker 1: so true. Like we talk about the toll it took 344 00:22:22,796 --> 00:22:26,396 Speaker 1: on our social well being and how actually we realized 345 00:22:26,476 --> 00:22:29,396 Speaker 1: all these social connections are really important to our mental health, 346 00:22:30,036 --> 00:22:33,076 Speaker 1: but there hasn't been that big conversation about how the 347 00:22:33,076 --> 00:22:35,636 Speaker 1: pandemic that we're living in has changed our sexual well being. 348 00:22:35,876 --> 00:22:39,156 Speaker 1: And fair enough, like the social connection is a literal drive. 349 00:22:39,236 --> 00:22:42,436 Speaker 1: We die without it. It is more important, But sex 350 00:22:42,516 --> 00:22:45,316 Speaker 1: is one of the key ways that humans give and 351 00:22:45,396 --> 00:22:49,956 Speaker 1: receive love and care. Could you talk about some of 352 00:22:49,996 --> 00:22:55,276 Speaker 1: the common things that hits people's breaks, Like what is 353 00:22:55,276 --> 00:22:57,676 Speaker 1: an example of something that hits the breaks that's a 354 00:22:57,716 --> 00:23:01,636 Speaker 1: habit or a pattern in our lives. The daily habits 355 00:23:01,676 --> 00:23:05,236 Speaker 1: mostly are a matter of getting just absorbed in the 356 00:23:05,356 --> 00:23:09,516 Speaker 1: management of life. So like the amount of time we 357 00:23:09,556 --> 00:23:14,476 Speaker 1: have to spend working or dealing with our families, or 358 00:23:15,076 --> 00:23:19,316 Speaker 1: taking care of our basic fundamental needs, feeding ourselves, cleaning ourselves, 359 00:23:20,716 --> 00:23:25,716 Speaker 1: managing schedules and time with other people, and writing checks 360 00:23:25,756 --> 00:23:29,756 Speaker 1: to pay bills. Like life is complicated and we are busy, 361 00:23:30,196 --> 00:23:34,196 Speaker 1: and it is so easy for pleasure and sexuality to 362 00:23:35,556 --> 00:23:39,476 Speaker 1: just feel like they're off, way in the distance. In 363 00:23:39,516 --> 00:23:42,596 Speaker 1: the same way that these daily habits interfere with our 364 00:23:42,596 --> 00:23:47,596 Speaker 1: access to pleasure, it takes a daily habit of prioritizing pleasure. 365 00:23:47,596 --> 00:23:50,236 Speaker 1: If half an hours too much, make it three minutes 366 00:23:51,556 --> 00:23:55,356 Speaker 1: where you just notice something pleasurable. If it's mindfully eating food, 367 00:23:55,556 --> 00:23:59,036 Speaker 1: that's a pleasure. If it is standing in the shower 368 00:23:59,276 --> 00:24:03,076 Speaker 1: and feeling your skin like as you wash your body, 369 00:24:03,156 --> 00:24:07,396 Speaker 1: really noticing the sensation of soapy water dripping down your skin, 370 00:24:07,596 --> 00:24:11,316 Speaker 1: like notice the pleasure, and remember that you are actually 371 00:24:11,356 --> 00:24:17,076 Speaker 1: alive in your body, not just moving from task to task. Right, 372 00:24:17,596 --> 00:24:20,036 Speaker 1: So it doesn't necessarily have to be like a sexual 373 00:24:20,116 --> 00:24:22,396 Speaker 1: thing that is hitting the brakes or hitting the accelerator. 374 00:24:22,436 --> 00:24:25,596 Speaker 1: It could be it could be something like a great shower, 375 00:24:25,876 --> 00:24:28,596 Speaker 1: not necessarily sexual hitting the accelerating. The most important things 376 00:24:28,636 --> 00:24:32,196 Speaker 1: about understanding the breaks is that most of the things 377 00:24:32,236 --> 00:24:34,836 Speaker 1: that hit the brakes have nothing to do with sex. 378 00:24:35,556 --> 00:24:37,676 Speaker 1: Even though I feel like it probably is the case 379 00:24:37,716 --> 00:24:41,916 Speaker 1: that when people are raised with sex negative education, a 380 00:24:41,916 --> 00:24:45,636 Speaker 1: lot of those breaks that they're learning are related to sex. 381 00:24:46,116 --> 00:24:49,756 Speaker 1: Most of it is just like the rest of our lives, interfering. 382 00:24:50,196 --> 00:24:53,316 Speaker 1: Do you have any other practical advice for Sarah? It 383 00:24:53,396 --> 00:24:55,956 Speaker 1: seems like she wants to masturbate again and wants to 384 00:24:55,956 --> 00:24:58,836 Speaker 1: really enjoy that connection, like wants to want it again. 385 00:24:59,276 --> 00:25:01,156 Speaker 1: That seems like her question. She's like, I want to 386 00:25:01,156 --> 00:25:04,996 Speaker 1: want it again? Why don't I? What's the problem? Do 387 00:25:05,036 --> 00:25:09,116 Speaker 1: you have any sex specific advice? I'm not actually sure 388 00:25:09,316 --> 00:25:11,396 Speaker 1: because she feels like there's something wrong with her that 389 00:25:11,476 --> 00:25:16,076 Speaker 1: it's gone. So I believe that step one is grand 390 00:25:16,076 --> 00:25:18,276 Speaker 1: your self permission not to be interested for a while, 391 00:25:19,636 --> 00:25:24,836 Speaker 1: Deliberately choose to feel normal, healthy and happy and not 392 00:25:25,076 --> 00:25:28,036 Speaker 1: interested in sex for a while. No one is ever 393 00:25:28,116 --> 00:25:32,996 Speaker 1: under any obligation to be interested in sex ever, So 394 00:25:33,116 --> 00:25:39,716 Speaker 1: try that first and then begin to explore other pleasures. 395 00:25:40,116 --> 00:25:43,516 Speaker 1: Create space, the space that you've been using to worry 396 00:25:43,596 --> 00:25:49,196 Speaker 1: about sex. Use that instead for space to experience all 397 00:25:49,316 --> 00:25:51,796 Speaker 1: the many different ways that we experience pleasure in our 398 00:25:51,836 --> 00:25:55,796 Speaker 1: daily lives, from the satisfaction of like lying down in 399 00:25:55,956 --> 00:26:01,356 Speaker 1: bed with clean, fresh sheets. Showers are always a big one. 400 00:26:01,516 --> 00:26:05,396 Speaker 1: Food is always an opportunity for a pleasure, walking outside 401 00:26:05,396 --> 00:26:08,436 Speaker 1: and feeling the breeze and the sun and watching leaves 402 00:26:08,516 --> 00:26:10,836 Speaker 1: change if you live in a place where leaves change. 403 00:26:11,276 --> 00:26:16,076 Speaker 1: And then see if interest in sex begins to bubble 404 00:26:16,116 --> 00:26:18,516 Speaker 1: back up, and if it doesn't know worries, and if 405 00:26:18,516 --> 00:26:22,756 Speaker 1: it does, gently pursue it. I love the suggestions that 406 00:26:22,836 --> 00:26:27,756 Speaker 1: you have for like activating the accelerator again are they 407 00:26:27,756 --> 00:26:30,916 Speaker 1: don't involve spending any money. They're just experiences that you 408 00:26:30,996 --> 00:26:34,836 Speaker 1: have in your body of like taking a shower, eating 409 00:26:34,876 --> 00:26:38,276 Speaker 1: something really delicious, Like they don't It's not about buying 410 00:26:38,596 --> 00:26:43,196 Speaker 1: the two hundred dollars dildo, right, Those are the shower 411 00:26:43,236 --> 00:26:44,436 Speaker 1: and the food or things you were going to do 412 00:26:44,476 --> 00:26:49,196 Speaker 1: any exactly. Yes, Yes, I love that. And I think 413 00:26:49,236 --> 00:26:51,356 Speaker 1: a lot of times we're told and she even says 414 00:26:51,436 --> 00:26:54,236 Speaker 1: she bought a new toy and thought that was going 415 00:26:54,316 --> 00:26:57,276 Speaker 1: to do it, and no, it didn't work. Right, it's 416 00:26:57,316 --> 00:27:00,156 Speaker 1: just another piece of hardware to ignore. Yeah, a lot 417 00:27:00,196 --> 00:27:02,716 Speaker 1: of times we're told like, oh, are you losing interest 418 00:27:02,756 --> 00:27:05,316 Speaker 1: in sex? Buy stuff by this thing, buy that thing, 419 00:27:05,396 --> 00:27:09,356 Speaker 1: and that that'll rejuvenate your sex life. But I think 420 00:27:09,356 --> 00:27:11,156 Speaker 1: that really gets to the point you were saying earlier, 421 00:27:11,196 --> 00:27:15,036 Speaker 1: that like, it's not necessarily about juicing the accelerator more 422 00:27:15,076 --> 00:27:17,516 Speaker 1: and more and more I'm buying more stuff. It's about 423 00:27:17,556 --> 00:27:21,076 Speaker 1: like finding a way to turn off the brakes so 424 00:27:21,156 --> 00:27:23,916 Speaker 1: that you really are noticing you. Even more than that, 425 00:27:25,316 --> 00:27:29,636 Speaker 1: I think people do feel this sort of obligation to 426 00:27:29,676 --> 00:27:31,916 Speaker 1: be interested in sex. We're told that if you're not 427 00:27:31,956 --> 00:27:34,916 Speaker 1: interested in sex, there's some sort of problem with you 428 00:27:35,036 --> 00:27:38,116 Speaker 1: and your body. You need to always be trying to 429 00:27:38,156 --> 00:27:41,556 Speaker 1: want sex, to try sexy new things, and we can't 430 00:27:41,596 --> 00:27:44,956 Speaker 1: just allow our brains and bodies to just shift away 431 00:27:44,996 --> 00:27:50,516 Speaker 1: from sexuality for a while. And here's the irony. If 432 00:27:50,556 --> 00:27:52,676 Speaker 1: you believe you are supposed to be interested in sex, 433 00:27:52,716 --> 00:27:54,756 Speaker 1: all the time and you are not interested in sex. 434 00:27:55,796 --> 00:28:01,316 Speaker 1: Does that activate your accelerator? No? Right, It just that 435 00:28:01,356 --> 00:28:03,436 Speaker 1: feeling of like I'm supposed to want sex, but I 436 00:28:03,476 --> 00:28:06,676 Speaker 1: don't want sex. It just hits your brakes some more So, 437 00:28:06,716 --> 00:28:10,156 Speaker 1: if you believe you need to juice the accelerate, that 438 00:28:10,196 --> 00:28:13,116 Speaker 1: belief is probably just making it more difficult for you 439 00:28:13,196 --> 00:28:15,676 Speaker 1: to want or like any sexual experience than might present 440 00:28:15,716 --> 00:28:18,036 Speaker 1: itself to you. Oh my god, I love that you're 441 00:28:18,076 --> 00:28:20,076 Speaker 1: saying this. So you're saying like Sarah's sitting on the 442 00:28:20,116 --> 00:28:22,476 Speaker 1: couch watching TV. At the end of the day, she's 443 00:28:22,516 --> 00:28:25,436 Speaker 1: feeling guilty about the fact that she has masturbated in 444 00:28:25,476 --> 00:28:28,276 Speaker 1: six months, and that is not helping her have a 445 00:28:28,316 --> 00:28:31,356 Speaker 1: great experience of wanting to masturbate next week. It's it's 446 00:28:31,396 --> 00:28:35,596 Speaker 1: doing the opposite instead of getting the full pleasure that 447 00:28:35,676 --> 00:28:39,676 Speaker 1: she could be getting from watching she Hulk. Yes, I 448 00:28:39,716 --> 00:28:44,356 Speaker 1: was gonna say great British Bakoff, but she Hulk. Same, same, 449 00:28:45,036 --> 00:28:49,636 Speaker 1: same difference. We're going to take a quick break and 450 00:28:49,796 --> 00:28:51,996 Speaker 1: when we get back, Emily, I want you to like 451 00:28:52,076 --> 00:28:56,116 Speaker 1: sum up the basics of the dual control model a TLGR. 452 00:28:56,196 --> 00:28:58,396 Speaker 1: If you will, I hope you enjoy the company of 453 00:28:58,436 --> 00:29:01,236 Speaker 1: my most famous friend. I did enjoy the company of 454 00:29:01,236 --> 00:29:03,756 Speaker 1: your most famous friend, and I have a feeling we're 455 00:29:03,796 --> 00:29:06,756 Speaker 1: going to be seeing her again and again and again 456 00:29:07,556 --> 00:29:20,556 Speaker 1: on this series. Yes, indeed, we'll be right back. We're back, 457 00:29:20,596 --> 00:29:26,156 Speaker 1: and it's time for a classic Emmally Nagowski tlgr let 458 00:29:26,276 --> 00:29:31,516 Speaker 1: us recap. So sexual response is actually a dual process 459 00:29:31,556 --> 00:29:35,196 Speaker 1: of turning on the os and also crucially turning off 460 00:29:35,636 --> 00:29:38,756 Speaker 1: the offs. And when we're struggling, the solution is more 461 00:29:38,796 --> 00:29:42,116 Speaker 1: often about turning off the offs than it is about 462 00:29:42,156 --> 00:29:45,156 Speaker 1: turning on the odds. And that's especially true when we 463 00:29:45,236 --> 00:29:50,596 Speaker 1: are still living through a pandemic. There are so many 464 00:29:50,636 --> 00:29:53,676 Speaker 1: things hitting our breaks these days, so I want to 465 00:29:53,716 --> 00:29:56,076 Speaker 1: make sure we offer some practical tips for how to 466 00:29:56,116 --> 00:29:59,596 Speaker 1: turn off the offs. I have five practical tips for 467 00:29:59,716 --> 00:30:06,956 Speaker 1: you ready. First, consider what activates your accelerator and what 468 00:30:07,116 --> 00:30:09,556 Speaker 1: hits your brakes. This can be as simple as writing 469 00:30:09,556 --> 00:30:11,636 Speaker 1: those pairs of lists off the top of your head. 470 00:30:11,676 --> 00:30:14,436 Speaker 1: Like you already know, the smell of your partner's skin 471 00:30:14,636 --> 00:30:17,876 Speaker 1: when they come in from having done yard work is 472 00:30:18,476 --> 00:30:21,116 Speaker 1: something that activates the accelerat. You know that reading romance 473 00:30:21,196 --> 00:30:25,636 Speaker 1: novels in the bathtub activates the accelerator. You know that stress, 474 00:30:25,716 --> 00:30:28,796 Speaker 1: body image stuff, parenting stuff, especially a bad day in 475 00:30:28,836 --> 00:30:32,956 Speaker 1: the news, hits the brakes. It might help instead to 476 00:30:32,956 --> 00:30:36,756 Speaker 1: think about two or three different experiences you've had sexually 477 00:30:36,836 --> 00:30:41,956 Speaker 1: that were great or just okay, and compare what happened 478 00:30:41,956 --> 00:30:45,236 Speaker 1: in those experiences that it activated the accelerator and what 479 00:30:45,356 --> 00:30:49,036 Speaker 1: hit the brakes. That's step one. Step two is to 480 00:30:49,116 --> 00:30:52,716 Speaker 1: assess your current context. Once you have a sense of 481 00:30:52,756 --> 00:30:56,676 Speaker 1: what impacts your sexual response, compare that to what's happening 482 00:30:56,716 --> 00:30:59,956 Speaker 1: in your life right now. If you're struggling to find 483 00:30:59,996 --> 00:31:02,476 Speaker 1: a new romance author to spend some time within the tub, 484 00:31:03,156 --> 00:31:05,476 Speaker 1: or if you can't be close to your partner because 485 00:31:05,476 --> 00:31:09,636 Speaker 1: they're traveling a lot from work. Is there news consistently 486 00:31:09,916 --> 00:31:13,796 Speaker 1: that turns your experience of the world into like navigating 487 00:31:13,796 --> 00:31:17,756 Speaker 1: a hellscape. Those are things that are influencing the way 488 00:31:17,916 --> 00:31:21,956 Speaker 1: your brain is processing sex related information and potential threats. 489 00:31:22,636 --> 00:31:28,396 Speaker 1: So assess your context is number two. Third. Categorize these 490 00:31:28,436 --> 00:31:32,236 Speaker 1: aspects of your context as things you can control and 491 00:31:32,356 --> 00:31:36,076 Speaker 1: things you can't control. You can ask folks for book 492 00:31:36,116 --> 00:31:39,516 Speaker 1: recommendations so you can have some control over I can't 493 00:31:39,556 --> 00:31:42,756 Speaker 1: find a new author to read. You can set limits 494 00:31:42,796 --> 00:31:45,556 Speaker 1: on how often or how deeply you consume the news. 495 00:31:46,036 --> 00:31:48,836 Speaker 1: You have permission not to consume the news. You have 496 00:31:48,876 --> 00:31:52,516 Speaker 1: some control there too. To have control over your context. 497 00:31:52,836 --> 00:31:57,116 Speaker 1: Maybe you can't control your partner's work, travel, And remember 498 00:31:57,156 --> 00:31:59,436 Speaker 1: I recommend that you focus especially on the stuff that's 499 00:31:59,516 --> 00:32:02,076 Speaker 1: hitting the brakes, since those are more likely to have 500 00:32:02,116 --> 00:32:04,516 Speaker 1: an impact, but some of them you may have no 501 00:32:04,596 --> 00:32:07,036 Speaker 1: control over. You have no control over the actual what 502 00:32:07,156 --> 00:32:09,996 Speaker 1: the news is, but you do have some control over 503 00:32:10,076 --> 00:32:15,996 Speaker 1: your degree of exposure to it. Fourth, choose a small 504 00:32:16,116 --> 00:32:18,916 Speaker 1: number of the things that you can control and make 505 00:32:18,956 --> 00:32:21,716 Speaker 1: a plan to create change. To help you select what 506 00:32:21,796 --> 00:32:25,396 Speaker 1: to focus on, it can help to rank the controllable 507 00:32:25,716 --> 00:32:28,996 Speaker 1: variables of your context by how easy or difficult they 508 00:32:28,996 --> 00:32:31,956 Speaker 1: would be to change, and by how much of an 509 00:32:31,996 --> 00:32:35,436 Speaker 1: impact they would have. Right, so the easy to change 510 00:32:35,876 --> 00:32:39,516 Speaker 1: big impact factors those are the low hanging fruit. Easy 511 00:32:39,516 --> 00:32:42,796 Speaker 1: to change low impact factors may make a small difference, 512 00:32:42,836 --> 00:32:45,076 Speaker 1: but they're still worth doing right not just for these 513 00:32:45,156 --> 00:32:48,036 Speaker 1: small change they make, but also they increase your experience 514 00:32:48,036 --> 00:32:51,036 Speaker 1: of self efficacy. Like see I can make a change 515 00:32:51,076 --> 00:32:52,916 Speaker 1: if I decide to do it, which can help you 516 00:32:52,956 --> 00:32:55,316 Speaker 1: feel more confident when you go on to tackle those 517 00:32:55,396 --> 00:33:00,796 Speaker 1: more difficult to change but higher impact factors. And then, finally, 518 00:33:01,236 --> 00:33:05,396 Speaker 1: above all, especially in a situation like this, listeners, remember 519 00:33:05,436 --> 00:33:09,796 Speaker 1: the goal is simply to spend pleasurable time with your body. 520 00:33:09,836 --> 00:33:14,356 Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be about adventure or novelty or wildness. 521 00:33:14,356 --> 00:33:17,636 Speaker 1: It's not furry handcuffs and porn. It certainly doesn't have 522 00:33:17,676 --> 00:33:22,396 Speaker 1: to be about orchasm. God knows. It's just time to 523 00:33:22,516 --> 00:33:28,356 Speaker 1: practice engaging pleasurably with your own body, mind, and spirit, 524 00:33:29,156 --> 00:33:33,516 Speaker 1: so that as your context shifts more toward an accelerator 525 00:33:33,516 --> 00:33:38,476 Speaker 1: activating less breaks hitting life, you have plenty of experience 526 00:33:38,916 --> 00:33:42,996 Speaker 1: connecting you erotically with yourself so that you're ready when 527 00:33:42,996 --> 00:33:48,956 Speaker 1: the moment comes. So to speak, no pun intended. A 528 00:33:49,356 --> 00:33:54,276 Speaker 1: moment comes. The amount of cumpuns we're gonna have on 529 00:33:54,316 --> 00:34:02,516 Speaker 1: the show is about to be simply irresponsible. Make sure 530 00:34:02,556 --> 00:34:04,556 Speaker 1: that you subscribe to Come as you are so that 531 00:34:04,596 --> 00:34:07,356 Speaker 1: you are notified about next week's episode when it comes 532 00:34:07,356 --> 00:34:10,396 Speaker 1: out on Wednesday. And we're going to be answering another 533 00:34:10,596 --> 00:34:14,836 Speaker 1: real listener question. This time it's about a very crooked penis. 534 00:34:15,356 --> 00:34:17,076 Speaker 1: And if you're like me and you're thinking penis as 535 00:34:17,116 --> 00:34:21,036 Speaker 1: you yawn, I'm over them. This episode is about much 536 00:34:21,076 --> 00:34:25,756 Speaker 1: more than just the penis. Emily teaches me a mind 537 00:34:25,876 --> 00:34:30,396 Speaker 1: blowing anatomy one oh one lesson about genital structures, and 538 00:34:30,596 --> 00:34:34,556 Speaker 1: I come away a changed woman. I see by clitterists 539 00:34:34,676 --> 00:34:37,676 Speaker 1: like an entirely different organ Now, so you know it, 540 00:34:37,796 --> 00:34:44,156 Speaker 1: hit subscribe. How was that? Was that? Good? Amazing? God? 541 00:34:44,196 --> 00:34:47,836 Speaker 1: This is so fun and it's your job. Do I 542 00:34:47,916 --> 00:34:50,716 Speaker 1: get better than that? No, it doesn't get better than that. 543 00:34:51,116 --> 00:34:59,116 Speaker 1: Welcome to My World, Come as You Are is a 544 00:34:59,116 --> 00:35:02,916 Speaker 1: production of Pushkin Industries and Madison Wells. It's hosted by 545 00:35:02,916 --> 00:35:06,636 Speaker 1: Emily Nagosky. You can find Emily on Instagram at e 546 00:35:06,836 --> 00:35:10,996 Speaker 1: Nigowski and on Twitter at Malin Nagowski. You can also 547 00:35:11,036 --> 00:35:14,596 Speaker 1: sign up for her newsletter at emil Nagosky dot com, 548 00:35:14,596 --> 00:35:17,676 Speaker 1: where she writes about everything from the clitterest in your 549 00:35:17,716 --> 00:35:21,956 Speaker 1: mind to orgasm after having hysterected me. It's an incredible newsletter. 550 00:35:22,076 --> 00:35:26,116 Speaker 1: Highly recommended. This show is co hosted and lead produced 551 00:35:26,116 --> 00:35:29,356 Speaker 1: by me Mola Board. You can find me online at 552 00:35:29,396 --> 00:35:35,156 Speaker 1: Mola Board and on TikTok at podcast dot slut Sorry mom. 553 00:35:35,156 --> 00:35:38,076 Speaker 1: My co producer on this show is the Fabulous Britney Brown. 554 00:35:38,636 --> 00:35:42,276 Speaker 1: Our editor is Kate Parkinson Morgan Sound design and mixed 555 00:35:42,316 --> 00:35:46,356 Speaker 1: by Anne Pope. Executive producers are Mia LaBelle and leetal 556 00:35:46,436 --> 00:35:52,236 Speaker 1: Malade at Pushkin Thanks to Heather Faine, Carly Migliori, Sophie Crane, 557 00:35:52,636 --> 00:35:58,556 Speaker 1: Courtney Guarino, Jason Gambrel, Julia Barton, John Schnars, and Jacob Weisberg. 558 00:35:59,396 --> 00:36:03,596 Speaker 1: At Madison Wells thanks to Kylie Williams, Elizabeth Goodstein and 559 00:36:03,796 --> 00:36:10,836 Speaker 1: Gg Pritzker. Additional thanks to Rich Stevens, Lindsay Edgecombe Frolic Media, 560 00:36:10,956 --> 00:36:15,476 Speaker 1: and Peter Acker at Armadillo Audio Group. Original music for 561 00:36:15,516 --> 00:36:19,996 Speaker 1: this series was composed by Amelianagowski and arranged and recorded 562 00:36:20,196 --> 00:36:26,236 Speaker 1: by Alexandra Kalinovsky. Additional music from Epidemic Sound. You can 563 00:36:26,236 --> 00:36:30,436 Speaker 1: find Pushkin on all social platforms at pushkin Pods, and 564 00:36:30,716 --> 00:36:34,396 Speaker 1: you can sign up for our newsletter at pushkin dot Fm. 565 00:36:34,436 --> 00:36:36,916 Speaker 1: If you love this show and others from Pushkin Industries, 566 00:36:37,156 --> 00:36:42,236 Speaker 1: consider subscribing to Pushkin Plus. Pushkin Plus is a podcast 567 00:36:42,236 --> 00:36:47,356 Speaker 1: subscription that offers bonus content in uninterrupted listening for only 568 00:36:47,436 --> 00:36:50,396 Speaker 1: four ninety nine a month. Look for Pushkin Plus on 569 00:36:50,436 --> 00:36:54,316 Speaker 1: Apple podcast subscriptions or at Pushkin dot fm. If you 570 00:36:54,396 --> 00:36:57,076 Speaker 1: subscribe to Pushkin Plus, you can hear Come as you 571 00:36:57,076 --> 00:37:01,076 Speaker 1: Are and other Pushkin shows. Add free very nice, and 572 00:37:01,276 --> 00:37:04,236 Speaker 1: you'll get episodes a week early. Sign up on the 573 00:37:04,236 --> 00:37:06,796 Speaker 1: Comme as you Are show page in Apple Podcasts or 574 00:37:06,916 --> 00:37:11,196 Speaker 1: at pushkin dot fm. To find more Pushkin podcasts, listen 575 00:37:11,236 --> 00:37:14,796 Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you like 576 00:37:14,876 --> 00:37:15,316 Speaker 1: to listen.