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Speaker 1: What do you think about the term ride or die?

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Speaker 2: Because we were fed that our generation was spent so

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Speaker 2: hard like ride or die?

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Speaker 1: Doesn't X have.

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Speaker 3: Ride or die? And guess what I love to be

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Speaker 3: that ride to die? Check. But I'll tell you that's

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Speaker 3: that's that's that's over like I'm done. I'm done.

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Speaker 1: Is ride or dying?

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Speaker 4: Like?

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Speaker 1: Is that overrated?

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Speaker 3: That's the word I was looking for. To die is overrated?

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Speaker 1: Thanks for watching, guys. Today's episode is brought to you

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Speaker 1: by boost Mobile. My girl was in the room for

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Speaker 1: it all the number one albums, sold out tours, the

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Speaker 1: lows that the public never saw. She is the ex

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Speaker 1: wife of hip hop icon d m X, and for

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Speaker 1: the first time, she's telling me the full story hers

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Speaker 1: her children's and she's telling the story in her new

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Speaker 1: documentary X Versus Earl. The Simmons family speaks.

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Speaker 4: Please welcome to share a Simon. When do you do

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Speaker 4: you remember what we like?

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Speaker 1: I try to remember, like meeting you for the first time,

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Speaker 1: and I don't remember the exact first time, but I

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Speaker 1: just remember I remember the early days of X gushing

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Speaker 1: about you on the radio. He was very much my wife,

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Speaker 1: my wife, my wife, my wife, your love was so

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Speaker 1: I don't know, just a big part of his life.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it was. It was pure, I feel and unique,

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Speaker 3: especially coming into an industry like this.

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Speaker 1: Well, there's so many questions I have to you. But

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Speaker 1: like so when I when I was like, yo, I

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Speaker 1: really want to talk to her more. But we were

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Speaker 1: at recently at Irv's funeral and you got you got

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Speaker 1: up to speak, uh. And I had never seen you

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Speaker 1: speak publicly like I seen you on the reality shows

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Speaker 1: and things like that. But in that moment, I just

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Speaker 1: had such a sense of your faith. You talked about

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Speaker 1: being young with X and the two of you meeting

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Speaker 1: her for the first time, and him doing everything he

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Speaker 1: said he was going to do by by X and

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Speaker 1: or earl.

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Speaker 3: As you say, I know, I'm sorry, I can't you

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Speaker 3: never call him X never y.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and you really how your faith was just woven

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Speaker 1: into everything that you spoke about. You really it was

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Speaker 1: really a beautiful moment.

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Speaker 3: Wow.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and your words, I think the whole room it

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Speaker 1: meant a lot to the whole room.

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Speaker 3: And that was a very challenging time for me because

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Speaker 3: I don't want to get emotional. But IRV was the

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Speaker 3: beginning of a life changing moment. In me and Earl's life,

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Speaker 3: and after dealing with so much fake uh X being

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Speaker 3: signed with Columbia, you know, finally he was excited about

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Speaker 3: his one single and being dropped and IRV coming, I

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Speaker 3: felt to the rescue me. And X was in the hood.

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Speaker 3: I MNA call him X. Yeah, we went the hood

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Speaker 3: and IRV came, and he already had met you know

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Speaker 3: X before that, and they were already just doing them

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Speaker 3: some things. But I was always very skeptical about everybody

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Speaker 3: because I was the one paying a lot of the bills.

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Speaker 3: You know, X was bringing, you know, he had his

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Speaker 3: side job and selling his mixtapes and doing constructions, just

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Speaker 3: because I was like, I need help. We have a son.

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Speaker 1: So he already had a son, and he wasn't he

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Speaker 1: wasn't X yet.

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Speaker 3: No, he was developing before we had our son. Went

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Speaker 3: out to a few battles. One was with jay Z

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Speaker 3: and another fifty yeah, and a couple others that kind

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Speaker 3: of was out there. He told me it was about

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Speaker 3: when we first met. He was telling me about Redman,

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Speaker 3: and I was they were in jail together and there

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Speaker 3: to sell and just about that whole situation. But so

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Speaker 3: he'd been trying to do this for a while. When

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Speaker 3: I first met him, I'm like, it's not paying the bills,

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Speaker 3: Like those tapes that you're selling is not you know,

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Speaker 3: covering everything. And he said, nah, I met somebody that

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Speaker 3: believes in me. He's already up at a label and

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Speaker 3: he's coming through and he gonna you know, he we

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Speaker 3: he said, he coming through. I think I talked about

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Speaker 3: this at the funeral where he came through with Jah

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Speaker 3: and Mike Geronimo to the house they came to. I

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Speaker 3: pulled up at a house we was living in most

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Speaker 3: regardens and because it's the projects, and pulled up in

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Speaker 3: the MPV and John and Mike Grono jumped out and

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Speaker 3: they were really young looking then. Earth was big belly,

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Speaker 3: you know, he was kind of real stocky then and

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Speaker 3: I was like, and it kind of looked to beat

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Speaker 3: up the van. So I was like, I was like

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Speaker 3: a man and got him like, you know, this is this.

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Speaker 3: These these dudes ain't real, Like they're not gonna take

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Speaker 3: us nowhere. And it's like, you know, never judge a

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Speaker 3: book by Its wasn't Jo Rule, it was Jeffrey and

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Speaker 3: he was Jeffrey Atkins. And they was excited to meet

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Speaker 3: another MC from Yonkers. They heard it that. I'm almost

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Speaker 3: sure they heard about the name because X was everywhere

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Speaker 3: battling different Burroughs. I mean, he put that work in

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Speaker 3: to get where he was. You guys are how old?

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Speaker 3: First of all, I just had Examer, so I had

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Speaker 3: to have been about twenty two or twenty one, and

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Speaker 3: me and IRV was like the same age. I think

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Speaker 3: age might I mean he might have been one year

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Speaker 3: older than he had other kids already, right, No, we

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Speaker 3: just had Xavier at the time. It was our first child.

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Speaker 3: We had just got that apartment, but it was an

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Speaker 3: a basement apartment, so IRV was, I mean the funniest.

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Speaker 3: He came in, and it was it was real, like

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Speaker 3: you had to It was a basement apartment that we

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Speaker 3: literally had to walk through the like look like a

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Speaker 3: grimy steps and he was in slipping actually earl like

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Speaker 3: we did that that video in that apartment slipping video,

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Speaker 3: and it was shut down. We had about bought a

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Speaker 3: house already. They shut the apartment down, but they opened

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Speaker 3: it back up because x is axident, so they were like, oh,

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Speaker 3: no problem. But when we when he walked through, like

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Speaker 3: to open our door was like a little jug so

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Speaker 3: like Earth would tell this story all the time. He

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Speaker 3: was like, yo, like when X blew up, he was

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Speaker 3: like from the dirty, grimy basement to the what the

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Speaker 3: bends to this like that like you but it was

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Speaker 3: but it was real, oh, because he saw it. But

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Speaker 3: when you walked in our apartment, X was an artist,

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Speaker 3: so he painted the apartment so nice, like with stripes

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Speaker 3: like black and gray stripes. And there was a fan

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Speaker 3: that was hanging off the off the pipes that that

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Speaker 3: was all like air conditioning. It was crazy, but we

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Speaker 3: were happy it was. It was dope, and we didn't

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Speaker 3: we didn't know what to expect, like when Earth was saying, yo,

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Speaker 3: like I'm telling you there's no talent like you from

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Speaker 3: the streets. That's what we need. Like he would be

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Speaker 3: telling next and he'll just be sitting in an apartment

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Speaker 3: like just listen and then you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 3: And IRV was so hopeful and excited like he like

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Speaker 3: he knew what was about to happen before we did.

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Speaker 3: And he was like, Yo, this is all temporary, dog,

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Speaker 3: this is all temporary. And I was like, you know,

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Speaker 3: just sitting there like yeah, I've heard this before and

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Speaker 3: We've already been let down before. So and then mind

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Speaker 3: you he pulling up in an MPV. I'm like, the

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Speaker 3: people that's gonna make it happen is the people with

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Speaker 3: the big cars. And you know what I'm saying, because

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Speaker 3: you weren't impressed.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I wasn't impressed.

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Speaker 3: And you know, Earl Earle believed IRV, but you know

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Speaker 3: he was like, you could show me better than that

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Speaker 3: you could tell me, and he's like, I am all.

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Speaker 1: and let's get the parlay started every day. Who were

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Speaker 1: you an ex at the time, Like, so you guys

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Speaker 1: have been together at that point for we met it?

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Speaker 3: Well, okay, so we met when we were eleven years old.

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Speaker 3: We got together were seventeen, which was nineteen eighty eight,

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Speaker 3: and then we got married ten years later in nineteen

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Speaker 3: ninety eight. Wow. So the first ten years was a struggle,

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Speaker 3: but we was happy. We were connected, We understood each other.

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Speaker 1: What was the love? What was the connection? Like what

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Speaker 1: now that you're older and you know about more things

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Speaker 1: and you can kind of analyze that, what do you

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Speaker 1: what do you think that that connection was.

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Speaker 3: I wanted to be honest with you. I think it

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Speaker 3: was a trauma bond because I was abandoned as a kid.

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Speaker 3: He was abandoned in a sense, you know, put in

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Speaker 3: a group home at seven. So when we first met,

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Speaker 3: he thought I was from the other side because you know,

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Speaker 3: I always worked and you know, dressed nice. So I

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Speaker 3: was totally out of like what the type of women

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Speaker 3: eat well, little girl, young girls that he would mess with.

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Speaker 3: So he couldn't believe that I liked him. But when

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Speaker 3: we started to talk more and tell our story, which

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Speaker 3: was happened like the first night, to be honest with you,

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Speaker 3: but here's a trauma bond.

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Speaker 1: Trauma bond. So he had been abandoned, You had been abandoned.

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Speaker 3: Yep, trying to figure it out.

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Speaker 1: And then what does that look like for somebody who

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Speaker 1: doesn't even know what trauma bond is? Because I think

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Speaker 1: people still experiencing that. What is that you know now better?

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Speaker 1: I know you've done a lot of work on yourself.

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Speaker 3: And yeah, somebody that has been through intense hurt and

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Speaker 3: pain as a child, that is very different from what

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Speaker 3: everybody else is dealing with. Everyone around us had mothers

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Speaker 3: and fathers or maybe a single but at least they

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Speaker 3: had a parent, no money, no parents, no parents, scraps, scraps,

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Speaker 3: looking for wraps for food to eat, working burger king

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Speaker 3: because we're young, and I was working at Shopwright and

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Speaker 3: burger King at the time. Earl was robbing, that was

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Speaker 3: his thing, with his dog. But and I was told

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Speaker 3: to stay away from him from the neighbor you know,

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Speaker 3: the people in the neighborhood like, you know, he's no good,

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Speaker 3: he's gonna take you know, he's dangerous. But when I

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Speaker 3: met him, I didn't see that. I saw someone who

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Speaker 3: was like me and we understood each other. And then

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Speaker 3: on top of that, he was he was he believed

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Speaker 3: in God, and I was a Muslim at the time,

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Speaker 3: and I wasn't really seen because of the religion, women

223
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Speaker 3: are always you know, separated from the men. And Earl

224
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Speaker 3: saw me from the first day he saw me. He

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Speaker 3: saw me before I saw myself.

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Speaker 1: I saw you.

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Speaker 3: How he saw my heart was pure. He saw that

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Speaker 3: even though I've been through the same trauma that he

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Speaker 3: had been through, I still had love and he didn't

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Speaker 3: have that. He used to tell me, my heart can

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Speaker 3: get real ugly because I used to say, you're so good,

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Speaker 3: like why, like why people say what they say about you?

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Speaker 3: You're so nice to me. And I would see the

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Speaker 3: switch then, like, but his heart can't get ugly though,

235
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Speaker 3: But I was so like, I don't know what I

236
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Speaker 3: think God, And I think I know now that there's

237
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Speaker 3: a gift that God has given me to always see

238
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Speaker 3: the good in people, no matter how that might yet

239
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Speaker 3: how dark they are. And that's to a fall. To

240
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Speaker 3: be honest with you, I've kind of hit bumped, you know,

241
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Speaker 3: got hurt a lot from that. But I don't want

242
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Speaker 3: to allow people's, you know, actions to change who I am.

243
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Speaker 3: But yeah, he's the first person who saw something in

244
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Speaker 3: me that I didn't seeing myself, and he was able

245
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Speaker 3: to identify that because it was something that he didn't

246
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Speaker 3: have at the time. He was he was bitter, he

247
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Speaker 3: was very bitter.

248
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Speaker 1: He probably gave him hope because if he sees somebody

249
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Speaker 1: who's been through what he's been through, and you're so

250
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Speaker 1: bright and you're working two jobs and your spirit is

251
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Speaker 1: like you said, yeah, he probably looked at you like good,

252
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Speaker 1: like I don't know. Yeah, no, I just gave him hope.

253
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Speaker 3: No, you're right, and he said that, but I just

254
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:33,120
Speaker 3: still didn't get it then, like he was just like,

255
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:37,320
Speaker 3: you're you're something good in my life. I mean, no exaggeration,

256
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,600
Speaker 3: like because he lived with his manager at the time

257
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Speaker 3: in n Rochelle. I went and stayed with him, and

258
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Speaker 3: it was like no sexual like I was back then

259
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:49,600
Speaker 3: such a different time, Like sex was not like I

260
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,439
Speaker 3: feel like girls just from my hair for my sons,

261
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:53,680
Speaker 3: they give it up faster. Like back then, it was

262
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Speaker 3: like I'm a virgin and I'm trying to keep myself. Yeah,

263
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Speaker 3: I'll come over and stay tonight. We could have fun

264
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Speaker 3: like it was so eighties, Like.

265
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Speaker 1: Yes, it was innocent.

266
00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:05,520
Speaker 3: Yeah, And he wasn't even trying either. He just was like,

267
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,599
Speaker 3: I'll make you some French toast in the morning. I

268
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:11,120
Speaker 3: make real good French toasts and yo, seriously, and we

269
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:15,080
Speaker 3: like talked all night, and I like, like, he I

270
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:16,920
Speaker 3: know I fell in love with him that night, but

271
00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:21,400
Speaker 3: I was afraid to even step in that space. But

272
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,320
Speaker 3: he said to me that night, and he talked about this.

273
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,080
Speaker 3: I don't know if you could find footage because he

274
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:27,800
Speaker 3: said in some of his interviews, but he said, you

275
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:30,720
Speaker 3: know you're gonna be my wife. And I said, listen,

276
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:33,480
Speaker 3: like you're really trying hard right now to get this

277
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:40,840
Speaker 3: pussy and I'm not getting. I was like, there's no

278
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,760
Speaker 3: way that he's gonna tell me I be his wife.

279
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Speaker 3: And I only knew you for a week. But isn't

280
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:48,960
Speaker 3: it that saying about like a man knows what he

281
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:52,000
Speaker 3: wants when he when he first when he first meets

282
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Speaker 3: the woman that he wants to marry.

283
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,320
Speaker 1: When did you start seeing When did you first start

284
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:59,680
Speaker 1: seeing signs that there was darkness there?

285
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:05,400
Speaker 3: Did it take a while or no, it didn't take long.

286
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:08,840
Speaker 3: But for some reason, that was my good girls like

287
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:13,200
Speaker 3: bad guys. I looked at it. Well, first when I

288
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:18,360
Speaker 3: first saw it was he uh, you know, he hurt

289
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,960
Speaker 3: people to get money, you know, like and when I

290
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:24,360
Speaker 3: say hurt people, I kill them. But you know he's

291
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:28,040
Speaker 3: robbing people about yeah, exactly things that he talked about.

292
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:29,840
Speaker 3: He put him asleep. I mean he used to show

293
00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:31,120
Speaker 3: me how he used to do it. I was so

294
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:33,720
Speaker 3: exciting because back then, I think we had like four

295
00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:36,640
Speaker 3: or five channels or just starting to get cable vision,

296
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,320
Speaker 3: so it was like and I didn't have it, So

297
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,880
Speaker 3: hearing his stories was like exciting. Like him and his

298
00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:46,080
Speaker 3: friend used to set like like set people up, like

299
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:48,960
Speaker 3: like they'll have friends that with girls and bring guys

300
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,800
Speaker 3: from That was the thing back then, like if you're

301
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:54,560
Speaker 3: not from our hood or even our borough, like bring

302
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:56,000
Speaker 3: them in so we could rob them, like you know

303
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:58,000
Speaker 3: what I'm saying. So he would come back and be

304
00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,080
Speaker 3: telling me the stories, and I'd be so excited and.

305
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:03,760
Speaker 1: Like, wow, you really did that. You're so cool, like

306
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:04,800
Speaker 1: you're strong.

307
00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:09,400
Speaker 2: Class trauma bonding exactly.

308
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:12,040
Speaker 3: Like yeah, and I look back now, but that's what's

309
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:16,040
Speaker 3: slipping was inspired by because we broke up for a

310
00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:18,960
Speaker 3: year because once I had Xavier, because mind you, this

311
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,520
Speaker 3: is all this was happening way before Xavier, and then

312
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:26,960
Speaker 3: when I had Xavier, I was like, wait, something turned on,

313
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:29,640
Speaker 3: A light turned on in me. But it didn't too

314
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:30,680
Speaker 3: much for him.

315
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:35,400
Speaker 1: What was the like the child? What happened to you?

316
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:36,640
Speaker 1: Like I changed about you?

317
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,720
Speaker 3: Well, first of all, to be tony answering. I talk

318
00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:42,480
Speaker 3: about this in my book, is that I didn't want

319
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,520
Speaker 3: any kids because I was abandoned as a kid. I'm

320
00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:48,760
Speaker 3: the oldest of the seven and I basically took care

321
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,760
Speaker 3: of them, So I told them I don't want any kids.

322
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,680
Speaker 3: So when I got pregnant, I tried to get rid

323
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:56,960
Speaker 3: of I tried everything. I went to roller coasters, hot baths,

324
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:59,520
Speaker 3: whenever they said that you could do, miscarry and it

325
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:03,560
Speaker 3: didn't work. And then when I finally had to tell

326
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:06,240
Speaker 3: Earl because I was getting too big, like not too big,

327
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:08,399
Speaker 3: but I was like starting to start in the show,

328
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:11,119
Speaker 3: I told him and he was so excited, like jumping

329
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,280
Speaker 3: for joy. And I was like, what are we going

330
00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:15,240
Speaker 3: to do with a kid like you rob people like

331
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:17,440
Speaker 3: you don't even have a legit job. I was like, yeah,

332
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:19,359
Speaker 3: I have a job, but it's like we can't afford

333
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:20,919
Speaker 3: a kid, and he was like, no, I'm gonna make

334
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,600
Speaker 3: it happen. I'm telling you, And it kind of actually

335
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:26,199
Speaker 3: it did change him. I saw him wanting to be

336
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:29,080
Speaker 3: more responsible but it was just he said, it's just

337
00:17:29,119 --> 00:17:32,320
Speaker 3: so easy though, to take It's so easy to these

338
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,639
Speaker 3: deeds suck ass niggas like he was just really like

339
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,840
Speaker 3: that kind of and I was like okay. But once

340
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:44,480
Speaker 3: I had Xavier, I experienced a love that I've never

341
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:48,399
Speaker 3: felt before as far as like having to live for

342
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:51,879
Speaker 3: someone else. Like before it was just all about me

343
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:55,760
Speaker 3: and Earl really, and I'm like, he grown, like, you know,

344
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:57,440
Speaker 3: I thought he was grown, Like I was only twenty

345
00:17:57,440 --> 00:17:59,000
Speaker 3: something years old, but I felt very old.

346
00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:02,800
Speaker 1: But you had lived a life, right, I had lived.

347
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:05,960
Speaker 3: A long, hard life, and then this baby came and

348
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:10,320
Speaker 3: I was just like wow, like he's so helpless. And

349
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:12,359
Speaker 3: then it kind of took me back to my childhood

350
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:17,840
Speaker 3: where I was abandoned and my parents didn't really you know,

351
00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:21,280
Speaker 3: they they did them. I had defend for myself and

352
00:18:21,359 --> 00:18:23,879
Speaker 3: my siblings, and I was like, I don't want this

353
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:26,480
Speaker 3: baby to have to go through that. I want to

354
00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:30,399
Speaker 3: love and make a change with this baby. And it

355
00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:32,199
Speaker 3: was the conversations me and him used to have, and

356
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:34,760
Speaker 3: he was like, we're going to do that, and I

357
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:37,440
Speaker 3: was like you gotta stop, Like you gotta stop, said

358
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,040
Speaker 3: because I don't want somebody to try to do that

359
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,800
Speaker 3: to you or to me now because I'm now we're

360
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:45,560
Speaker 3: getting up in age, not really like we're only like

361
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:46,760
Speaker 3: twenty two, you like.

362
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:47,480
Speaker 1: We're getting old.

363
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,800
Speaker 3: Yeah, we get it old, Like I'll be looking back

364
00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:51,720
Speaker 3: now for like I've lived three lifetimes to be totally

365
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,000
Speaker 3: honest with you.

366
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:53,960
Speaker 1: Totally can.

367
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:56,840
Speaker 2: But wow.

368
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,199
Speaker 1: Yeah, so that was it was a big chance. So

369
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:03,320
Speaker 1: when did you, I don't know, when did you start

370
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:09,639
Speaker 1: thinking this, This might not be healthy, this relationship might

371
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:12,280
Speaker 1: not be healthy. Like when did you start to understand that?

372
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:16,600
Speaker 3: I started to understand that a year in with Xavier,

373
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:22,240
Speaker 3: So that was nineteen ninety three. Like again, I just

374
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:27,119
Speaker 3: wasn't that girl anymore because there was one time before

375
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:29,360
Speaker 3: I had Xavier where this guy was trying to talk

376
00:19:29,359 --> 00:19:30,880
Speaker 3: to me. I used to work at a bank and

377
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,720
Speaker 3: he always flashed his money to try to get me

378
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:37,639
Speaker 3: to date him. I told Earl, and we set him

379
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:41,840
Speaker 3: up to put me honest with you, to judge you guys.

380
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:43,919
Speaker 3: I was over twenty.

381
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:45,920
Speaker 1: She was finding her way right of my way.

382
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,760
Speaker 3: I was, but you know, I felt like, you know,

383
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:51,080
Speaker 3: I'm sure a lot of people out there could relate

384
00:19:51,119 --> 00:19:53,880
Speaker 3: to this. So that's why I'm just being so brutally

385
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:56,840
Speaker 3: honest about that. And you know, like I said, they

386
00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:58,840
Speaker 3: put him asleep, they took his money. He woke up

387
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:02,080
Speaker 3: in a cab with no money. The dude and he

388
00:20:02,119 --> 00:20:04,240
Speaker 3: went home and he said, you know, he didn't know

389
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:06,960
Speaker 3: what happened, and he worked with me, so what he

390
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,640
Speaker 3: got back the next day, he said, what happened? I said,

391
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:12,000
Speaker 3: I don't know. I jumped out the cab like some

392
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:14,879
Speaker 3: guys or whatever, like you know, and we laughed about it,

393
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,680
Speaker 3: me acting his best friend. And these are the things

394
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:22,560
Speaker 3: that that I was totally you know, broken, coming from

395
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:29,639
Speaker 3: you know, feeling like no one loves me, surviving surviving,

396
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:35,239
Speaker 3: I mean surviving, And once I had my son, I

397
00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:39,480
Speaker 3: was just like, we gotta start growing up now, this

398
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:45,560
Speaker 3: is not cool. So in ninety three ninety four, I

399
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:50,119
Speaker 3: can't remember what year, because there was he slowed it down.

400
00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:55,760
Speaker 3: He slowed it down, but then we broke up because

401
00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:59,520
Speaker 3: he started like messing around with drugs, which I had

402
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:03,280
Speaker 3: no idea about. I was very clueless about like what

403
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:08,199
Speaker 3: drugs users look like or their actions. And he told

404
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:11,920
Speaker 3: me because he was disappearing for like two and three nights,

405
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:15,800
Speaker 3: and I thought he was cheating on me, and he

406
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:17,320
Speaker 3: said I have to talk to you one night and

407
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:20,240
Speaker 3: never forget. He had a hood on. He said meet me.

408
00:21:20,359 --> 00:21:22,600
Speaker 3: He was called my phones on cell phones. He called

409
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:24,600
Speaker 3: out my house phone. He said, can you meet me

410
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,960
Speaker 3: Aunt Ludlow, which is a street in Anchors. He was

411
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,280
Speaker 3: sitting on the seat, took a cab a cheer I

412
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:32,440
Speaker 3: mean stoop and he's had to tell you something. I said,

413
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:36,040
Speaker 3: already know you're cheating, like you know, I found somebody

414
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:38,639
Speaker 3: else and he was like, I wish, not not he

415
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,320
Speaker 3: said I wish, but he was just like no, it's

416
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:42,760
Speaker 3: not really like that. He was like, you know, I've

417
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:46,119
Speaker 3: been using drugs. I was giving drugs when I was

418
00:21:46,119 --> 00:21:49,359
Speaker 3: a little kid. I'm a woolie. An older man did this,

419
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,199
Speaker 3: you know, put it in my weed. I didn't know

420
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:53,479
Speaker 3: about it, had no idea, and I've been craving for it.

421
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:56,040
Speaker 3: And every time I get a little cash or I

422
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:59,040
Speaker 3: feel a little down because I'm not getting my head

423
00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:01,879
Speaker 3: where I want to be, I just use and I

424
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:05,639
Speaker 3: go on a binge. And I had this whole notebook

425
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:08,399
Speaker 3: on like this is how we're gonna beat this drug.

426
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:14,240
Speaker 3: And I told him, what's the buddy of downfalls. You know,

427
00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:18,560
Speaker 3: how can I help? And you know, I actually feel

428
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:22,880
Speaker 3: good about this saying this now because I gave my all,

429
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:27,600
Speaker 3: every step of every piece of that relationship to try

430
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:30,800
Speaker 3: to help. When it came to that drug, we started

431
00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:35,760
Speaker 3: calling him crack It was crack up and I used

432
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:39,480
Speaker 3: to call him his second wife because I felt like

433
00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:44,760
Speaker 3: the love like there well one thing I learned throughout

434
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,960
Speaker 3: our relationship and that's why sometimes I don't really call

435
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:51,679
Speaker 3: him X because I fell in love with Earle. I

436
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:55,720
Speaker 3: met Earle. Not many people know who Earl is. They

437
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:59,280
Speaker 3: think they do, but they have no idea. The more

438
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:03,439
Speaker 3: he started to grow, he's turned into DMX because that

439
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,520
Speaker 3: was the artist in him. That was the man who

440
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:10,080
Speaker 3: wanted to be heard. He knew that God gifted him

441
00:23:10,119 --> 00:23:13,600
Speaker 3: with the talent he came up with his his rhymes

442
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:16,480
Speaker 3: and I mean like bars, I've went and seen him

443
00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:19,480
Speaker 3: go in with the greats and go in and go out.

444
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:24,280
Speaker 3: Was late, wrote his joint left. It was a gift

445
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:31,000
Speaker 3: and he needed to be seen and and DMX came

446
00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:35,000
Speaker 3: alive when IRV came in his life, when his career

447
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:43,000
Speaker 3: took off. But then X came. X was dark. X

448
00:23:43,119 --> 00:23:44,840
Speaker 3: was always dormant.

449
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:47,120
Speaker 1: Access.

450
00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:52,040
Speaker 3: He had access, he's had money and the women remember

451
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:54,800
Speaker 3: when I first met him, you know, I'm sure. I

452
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,560
Speaker 3: mean he was nobody wanted him. Just be totally too

453
00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:01,520
Speaker 3: honest with you, not the he was wanted when he

454
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:04,719
Speaker 3: became famous and had money. And I'm just saying that

455
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:09,520
Speaker 3: because it's the honest of God truth. And X was ugly.

456
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:16,800
Speaker 3: X didn't like me. X protected he did not like

457
00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:21,800
Speaker 3: me because X wanted everything and I was in a way.

458
00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:26,399
Speaker 3: I can see when X came in to protect Earl

459
00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:32,120
Speaker 3: because Earle was the soft hearted boy that was left

460
00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:35,320
Speaker 3: in the group home that just wanted to be loved.

461
00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:38,840
Speaker 3: That to Shia met.

462
00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:41,040
Speaker 1: Did you probably reminded him of Earl?

463
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:46,800
Speaker 3: Yep? And he was like, you make him weak And

464
00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:50,679
Speaker 3: I know that now. Back then it was crushing. But

465
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:54,440
Speaker 3: I would see him to come into these different personalities

466
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:57,600
Speaker 3: like I would literally see it like after a show,

467
00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:01,040
Speaker 3: after a prayer, after he prayed, after show, he would

468
00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:03,440
Speaker 3: say clear the room only for me and to share

469
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:08,240
Speaker 3: a and he would cry like never before, and then

470
00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:15,439
Speaker 3: he would go all right, let everybody in. It was

471
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:20,560
Speaker 3: a little literally a transformation. And to be honest with me,

472
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:23,600
Speaker 3: I'm telling you this now, But back then, I used

473
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:28,879
Speaker 3: to be like, he's so extra, so extra, because I

474
00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:33,480
Speaker 3: didn't understand about multiple personalities, about trauma and how you

475
00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:35,560
Speaker 3: you if you don't deal with it, if you don't

476
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:39,240
Speaker 3: heal from it, you just create somebody else to to.

477
00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:43,960
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying to to I'm looking for

478
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:47,000
Speaker 3: the word I can't worry. I'm finding, but like to survive,

479
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:51,800
Speaker 3: to suppress, That's what I say, to suppress because I

480
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:56,400
Speaker 3: would get earl when he came home. It was it was,

481
00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:59,240
Speaker 3: it was you know sometimes what does that do to you?

482
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:02,000
Speaker 3: I can't like. That's why I was going to ready

483
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:04,320
Speaker 3: to go. I was like, I look back now and

484
00:26:04,359 --> 00:26:06,399
Speaker 3: I'm like, how was I able to keep my mind?

485
00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:09,399
Speaker 3: How did how did I not create different personalities to

486
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:12,080
Speaker 3: deal with the different ones that he created, and he

487
00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:16,400
Speaker 3: literally lived in them like live, He literally lived in them.

488
00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:19,720
Speaker 3: And what it did to me, well, first of all,

489
00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:22,439
Speaker 3: I gotta thank him, and he knew this before he

490
00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:26,200
Speaker 3: passed away, is that he introduced me to Christ. Mm hmm.

491
00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:30,240
Speaker 3: He brought me to Christ. I admired how he manifested

492
00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:36,639
Speaker 3: his life, how everything that he had faith in literally

493
00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:40,879
Speaker 3: took took took a like it took root, like it

494
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:44,040
Speaker 3: came to pass, and I was like, I want to

495
00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:45,680
Speaker 3: do this. Oh that's why I was going before about

496
00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:49,040
Speaker 3: being Muslim. He told me that if you believe in

497
00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:54,119
Speaker 3: Jesus Christ and God, that you can be like you,

498
00:26:54,359 --> 00:26:58,119
Speaker 3: like you can speak, you don't have to like hide,

499
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:00,560
Speaker 3: like you can be powerful too, like you can be

500
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:05,440
Speaker 3: like we're equal with God. There's no I'm powerful, more

501
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:08,520
Speaker 3: powerful than you. So because of what I've been through,

502
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:10,119
Speaker 3: I was like, wow, I want to know who I

503
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:16,520
Speaker 3: want to serve that God And it was God because

504
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:19,680
Speaker 3: had he not introduced me to God, it was God

505
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:22,240
Speaker 3: who came in my life. It was God. I know

506
00:27:22,359 --> 00:27:24,760
Speaker 3: this now. It was the Holy Spirit that me and

507
00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:28,880
Speaker 3: her I prayed together every day every morning. No, he

508
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,879
Speaker 3: prayed every morning. I was always afraid, I'll like, you

509
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:34,879
Speaker 3: do it better, so he'll jyo, just pray and then

510
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:36,880
Speaker 3: you're like you got to have to pray sometime to share.

511
00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:43,159
Speaker 3: And it was not until our relationship blew up is

512
00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:47,080
Speaker 3: where I was like, if you're really real, I need

513
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:51,000
Speaker 3: you to show you yourself because I served you. I'm

514
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:56,400
Speaker 3: talking to God now I've served you honestly, loyally, very

515
00:27:56,480 --> 00:28:00,679
Speaker 3: loyal to you, and look what happened, Like, look like

516
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:03,000
Speaker 3: he drugs took over, Like how can you let like

517
00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:06,320
Speaker 3: a powerful man like him be taken down like this? God?

518
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:08,879
Speaker 3: And I didn't just didn't understand. I was crying. I

519
00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:10,960
Speaker 3: was upset, like because I was just like, I'm gonna

520
00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:12,720
Speaker 3: fight for this marriage, but I don't even I mean,

521
00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:15,679
Speaker 3: ex has totally taken over. I don't even know if

522
00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:18,320
Speaker 3: Earl's even in there anymore. Like it was like the

523
00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:23,040
Speaker 3: most scariest, darkest thing I've ever experienced before in my life. Wow,

524
00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:28,440
Speaker 3: But God came, He came how become I think now

525
00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:30,640
Speaker 3: it was all part of the plan, to be totally

526
00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:35,359
Speaker 3: honest with you, because I feel like God stripped Earl

527
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:38,360
Speaker 3: out of my life because Earl was like my God.

528
00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:44,280
Speaker 3: My world revolved around him, to be totally and I like,

529
00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:47,720
Speaker 3: Earl was always, you know, quoting scriptures and reading the Bible,

530
00:28:47,880 --> 00:28:52,720
Speaker 3: and I was sitting there like mm hmm. And once

531
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:59,000
Speaker 3: once God got him removed him out my life, It's

532
00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:01,040
Speaker 3: like that's when God came in. And I remember a

533
00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:06,080
Speaker 3: scripture saying that we serve a jealous God, and God

534
00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:09,080
Speaker 3: obviously have a plan for my life and feel and

535
00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:11,480
Speaker 3: I always say this. Well, people used to say that before,

536
00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:13,520
Speaker 3: but now I know behind every great man is a

537
00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:16,160
Speaker 3: powerful woman as well. And I was powerful in my

538
00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:18,120
Speaker 3: own right. But I never wanted to be up in

539
00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:20,480
Speaker 3: the front. I always wanted to be behind. But I

540
00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:22,560
Speaker 3: wanted to be behind because I didn't know my worth.

541
00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:26,760
Speaker 3: My worth was in my marriage. My worth was in Earl,

542
00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:30,360
Speaker 3: in his happiness and what he wanted for me. Everything

543
00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:34,680
Speaker 3: was about him. Everything was about him, not because I

544
00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:39,600
Speaker 3: was obsessed or now this me, the me now knows

545
00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:43,200
Speaker 3: it wasn't because I was weak. It was just because

546
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:46,360
Speaker 3: I went through trauma. I was abandoned as a kid.

547
00:29:46,720 --> 00:29:49,120
Speaker 3: My mom left me when I was fourteen. My dad

548
00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:53,200
Speaker 3: verbally abused me I was fourteen years old. Earl almost

549
00:29:53,280 --> 00:29:57,080
Speaker 3: played every role that you can imagine from husband, boyfriend,

550
00:29:57,720 --> 00:30:01,200
Speaker 3: best friend, god, I mean just protector. He was a

551
00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:05,160
Speaker 3: very big protector, a financial he was never cheap, you know,

552
00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:07,960
Speaker 3: even when he was robbing, you always brought something home.

553
00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:11,160
Speaker 1: So when he you don't have many women's story like

554
00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:16,240
Speaker 1: your story is. It's definitely unique and it's your own right.

555
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:19,840
Speaker 1: But and also it's because you're connected to this big figure,

556
00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:22,160
Speaker 1: and so we got to know you through that. But

557
00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:26,600
Speaker 1: like the quiet women who found somebody that trauma like

558
00:30:26,680 --> 00:30:28,200
Speaker 1: trauma bond is is.

559
00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:33,040
Speaker 3: So it's out here, is out here, heavy strong woman, grown.

560
00:30:32,840 --> 00:30:36,440
Speaker 1: Men like yes, So what did you learn about that?

561
00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:36,600
Speaker 5: Like?

562
00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:40,400
Speaker 1: What could you tell me about that? Like the difference

563
00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:44,440
Speaker 1: between what a trauma bond is and what what healthy

564
00:30:44,520 --> 00:30:47,760
Speaker 1: love is. You probably had both. I mean, I know

565
00:30:47,800 --> 00:30:48,440
Speaker 1: you loved.

566
00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:50,880
Speaker 3: It, yeah, and you know, Okay, So I'm just you

567
00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:54,080
Speaker 3: know the reason why I'm talking about a lot of

568
00:30:54,120 --> 00:30:57,280
Speaker 3: the I shouldn't say negative. It's just part of the story,

569
00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:59,760
Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying. And unfortunately, not unfortunately, I

570
00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:00,400
Speaker 3: don't find what.

571
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:02,920
Speaker 1: You're telling me negative. I actually think the story you're

572
00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:05,680
Speaker 1: telling is a beautiful one. Oh good, Okay, I don't think.

573
00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:07,959
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know how everybody else feels like that.

574
00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:13,000
Speaker 1: But I just see two kids who were left for dead,

575
00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:15,920
Speaker 1: kind of like to FM for themselves, and you found

576
00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:18,600
Speaker 1: each other. And yes, he fell victim to to to

577
00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:24,040
Speaker 1: vices and to addiction, and but I don't, I don't know.

578
00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:26,840
Speaker 1: I don't I see I see the love there. I mean,

579
00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:30,080
Speaker 1: I see it's unhealthy because you come from two unhealthy experiences.

580
00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:33,080
Speaker 1: How could you possibly survive that together. How could you

581
00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:38,600
Speaker 1: create how could two unhealthy situations create healthy love with

582
00:31:38,640 --> 00:31:42,840
Speaker 1: no guidance, no therapy, no help, like give yourself a break.

583
00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:44,280
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. I don't think what you're

584
00:31:44,280 --> 00:31:47,600
Speaker 1: saying is negative. I think it's honest, and it's there's

585
00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:48,480
Speaker 1: so much beauty in.

586
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:50,840
Speaker 3: That now you know, and you thank you for that,

587
00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:53,120
Speaker 3: because I mean, I'm trying to hold back my tears.

588
00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:57,080
Speaker 3: But that's part of why I'm doing a docramentary, a

589
00:31:57,200 --> 00:32:02,040
Speaker 3: talking serious because I just feel like it's a lot untold.

590
00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:08,080
Speaker 3: I feel like Earl died unhappy, unhappy, very unhappy, with

591
00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:17,840
Speaker 3: a broken heart, misunderstood, and I was so broken from

592
00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:22,400
Speaker 3: a lot of things that happened with us in the marriage.

593
00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:26,280
Speaker 3: I stayed as long as I did because I knew him,

594
00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:29,480
Speaker 3: and when I say him a new Earl, I wanted

595
00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:32,760
Speaker 3: to save Earl. I saw the role that Earl was

596
00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:37,680
Speaker 3: going down. It got very unhealthy for me in this

597
00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:42,320
Speaker 3: aspect of you know then, you know, just starting to

598
00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:45,360
Speaker 3: step out of our marriage and creating a bunch of

599
00:32:45,360 --> 00:32:47,760
Speaker 3: different families that I know that. It's the first one

600
00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:49,360
Speaker 3: of the first things he told me when I met

601
00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:52,680
Speaker 3: him at seventeen was I come from a home with

602
00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:57,959
Speaker 3: three different fathers. When I get married, I want to

603
00:32:58,040 --> 00:33:01,520
Speaker 3: have only one home because I know what that felt like.

604
00:33:02,240 --> 00:33:06,480
Speaker 3: It's chaos, and I want to be there, like I

605
00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:09,160
Speaker 3: want to make sure that I create a solid foundation,

606
00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:12,800
Speaker 3: so to see that not only he was ruining hisself,

607
00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:17,520
Speaker 3: but now he's creating other families that's unstable and going

608
00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:21,080
Speaker 3: through trauma. Because as we both know, as women, you know,

609
00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:25,480
Speaker 3: it's it's hard to have, you know, to you know,

610
00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:27,720
Speaker 3: for everybody, you have to put work. You have to

611
00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:30,680
Speaker 3: be intentional and it's possible, obviously, and you have to heal.

612
00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:34,880
Speaker 3: You have to heal, and he's never healed through all

613
00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:37,680
Speaker 3: of this. I used to constantly tell him. I used

614
00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:40,680
Speaker 3: to almost I lost myself in it. I mean I

615
00:33:40,680 --> 00:33:47,120
Speaker 3: almost physically, mentally, spiritually died because I wanted so much

616
00:33:47,200 --> 00:33:51,080
Speaker 3: for him. I felt like he deserved to be really

617
00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:54,040
Speaker 3: happy and heal. What about you?

618
00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:54,960
Speaker 1: What did you deserve?

619
00:33:55,640 --> 00:33:59,360
Speaker 3: Well that's why when I go back to it was

620
00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:04,120
Speaker 3: nothing but God, because had God not stripped me from

621
00:34:04,160 --> 00:34:07,840
Speaker 3: that relationship, that marriage, I probably been in a looney

622
00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:12,480
Speaker 3: tune home. Because I have a very powerful calling all

623
00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:17,080
Speaker 3: my life. I know that now my voice and my courage.

624
00:34:17,600 --> 00:34:21,360
Speaker 3: I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid to tell people what

625
00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:25,920
Speaker 3: I've been through, how I felt, how ugly it was,

626
00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:31,239
Speaker 3: because I'm going to help someone to be to keep

627
00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:34,640
Speaker 3: everything all bottled up and try to wear a mask

628
00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:39,080
Speaker 3: like everything is good, it's not the move. And God

629
00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:42,480
Speaker 3: has given me this courage that I had from day

630
00:34:42,520 --> 00:34:46,080
Speaker 3: one with Earl. It's what he saw in me that

631
00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:49,040
Speaker 3: I didn't see in myself. And I wasn't able to

632
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:53,680
Speaker 3: blossom and bloom until God stripped me from that marriage.

633
00:34:53,760 --> 00:34:58,160
Speaker 3: And I've been going on this ten year healing journey

634
00:34:58,480 --> 00:35:02,759
Speaker 3: of dying to everything that I thought the enemy told

635
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:06,720
Speaker 3: me I was, which was worthless, only good as a wife,

636
00:35:09,880 --> 00:35:16,400
Speaker 3: a loser, basically unaccomplished, unsuccessful because I couldn't. It's just

637
00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:18,320
Speaker 3: so crazy because at the end of the day.

638
00:35:18,239 --> 00:35:22,239
Speaker 1: You put your value in being a wife that could

639
00:35:22,239 --> 00:35:25,600
Speaker 1: save her husband. Is that? Is that what I'm hearing

640
00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:26,439
Speaker 1: you saycond.

641
00:35:26,239 --> 00:35:29,000
Speaker 3: Very much so, which is like when I looked I

642
00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:33,000
Speaker 3: couldn't save him, I had to really focus on myself

643
00:35:33,040 --> 00:35:35,680
Speaker 3: and it's something that I had not known how to do,

644
00:35:35,760 --> 00:35:38,880
Speaker 3: because remember I had when I got when my mom left,

645
00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:41,759
Speaker 3: I put on my attention. I turned into a mom

646
00:35:41,800 --> 00:35:44,759
Speaker 3: overnight at fourteen, so it was all I've ever known

647
00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:47,600
Speaker 3: to do. So Earl was another project for me, but

648
00:35:47,640 --> 00:35:49,920
Speaker 3: I didn't realize that but a project to get away

649
00:35:49,920 --> 00:35:56,279
Speaker 3: from Tashia. And not until that marriage went left is

650
00:35:56,280 --> 00:35:59,279
Speaker 3: when I had to really look at myself in the

651
00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:03,120
Speaker 3: mirror and say, you are more. I'll never forget it

652
00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:06,040
Speaker 3: when we've really finally I realized we were really broken up.

653
00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:10,880
Speaker 3: I had a calendar of just his schedule and my

654
00:36:11,280 --> 00:36:13,160
Speaker 3: two kids. No, no four kids because I had four

655
00:36:13,239 --> 00:36:16,080
Speaker 3: kids of a time, four three and a half because

656
00:36:16,120 --> 00:36:21,279
Speaker 3: I just had my daughter, but like literally two year

657
00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:22,920
Speaker 3: because the two of them were home. So I had

658
00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:27,760
Speaker 3: a schedule of two kids on the calendar. After everything left,

659
00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:30,279
Speaker 3: I was just like, what do I do? I went

660
00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:33,319
Speaker 3: into a five year depression. I didn't even know. I

661
00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:36,839
Speaker 3: literally was a zombie. I went to sleep, slept all day,

662
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,719
Speaker 3: the kids got off the bus, cooked went back. It

663
00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:43,239
Speaker 3: was a cycle that I needed to break, but it

664
00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:45,360
Speaker 3: took a while. And that's why I'm like, when I

665
00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:48,000
Speaker 3: look at other people who have been through trauma and

666
00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:50,520
Speaker 3: they say they're good after a year, Yeah, that's possible.

667
00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:57,400
Speaker 3: I guess. But when you deal with real crushing trauma, now,

668
00:36:57,440 --> 00:36:59,080
Speaker 3: mind you, I had to get over I still didn't

669
00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:02,560
Speaker 3: get over the healing, my mom leaving. Then I jump

670
00:37:02,600 --> 00:37:07,400
Speaker 3: into a relationship, another trauma bond, another two broken people

671
00:37:07,440 --> 00:37:12,960
Speaker 3: coming together. Then we get rich. Now we don't need

672
00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:17,359
Speaker 3: now that we're not wanting for anything. So how oh

673
00:37:17,680 --> 00:37:22,080
Speaker 3: no not, let's forget about the yes men. No one's

674
00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:24,640
Speaker 3: telling him no, No one is telling me no. They're

675
00:37:24,640 --> 00:37:27,120
Speaker 3: actually starting to feed him the drugs to start to

676
00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:30,160
Speaker 3: find out later on in life in a relationship where

677
00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:32,919
Speaker 3: I had to say something to him about it. Now

678
00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:36,719
Speaker 3: I'm just mind your business And I was like, who

679
00:37:36,800 --> 00:37:37,080
Speaker 3: are you?

680
00:37:37,840 --> 00:37:40,080
Speaker 1: Wow? So it is, but but.

681
00:37:40,120 --> 00:37:42,600
Speaker 3: Again here I am angie.

682
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:48,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, what do you say to a young girl? I

683
00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:51,719
Speaker 1: mean you even have daughters, Like, what do you say

684
00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:54,960
Speaker 1: to somebody who's in the beginning stage of that? Now,

685
00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:58,560
Speaker 1: who's entering, who's in a relationship? And now you know,

686
00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:03,799
Speaker 1: this generation has more verbage, there's more deformation. Yeah, because

687
00:38:04,080 --> 00:38:09,759
Speaker 1: you're explaining this story, people have to understand that you

688
00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:12,520
Speaker 1: probably didn't even know the term trauma bond back that,

689
00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:15,400
Speaker 1: or it wasn't even a term a familiar term. People

690
00:38:15,400 --> 00:38:19,279
Speaker 1: weren't doing therapy. There was no understanding about any of that.

691
00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:21,879
Speaker 1: So you're in it. You don't even know what you're

692
00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:23,960
Speaker 1: in and you're in it now. At least there's some

693
00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:26,920
Speaker 1: verbiage that helps people understand. But what do you say

694
00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:29,759
Speaker 1: to a young woman in that space right now who's

695
00:38:30,520 --> 00:38:33,200
Speaker 1: in a trauma bond relationship? Like what if you learned?

696
00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:35,880
Speaker 1: What would you do different? What should they know?

697
00:38:38,320 --> 00:38:41,080
Speaker 3: What I would tell sad? Question is always hard for

698
00:38:41,120 --> 00:38:44,719
Speaker 3: me because this my whole life molded me to where

699
00:38:44,760 --> 00:38:52,280
Speaker 3: I am today where but like you said, the information

700
00:38:52,520 --> 00:38:55,000
Speaker 3: wasn't there like right now, I've been in therapy for

701
00:38:55,040 --> 00:38:58,680
Speaker 3: eight years, so that has literally changed my life. So

702
00:38:58,840 --> 00:39:04,759
Speaker 3: with a with a young girl now, yo, when you

703
00:39:04,760 --> 00:39:07,120
Speaker 3: see the red flags, when you first of all, you

704
00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:12,000
Speaker 3: cannot fix nobody. I will tell any there is nothing

705
00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:16,320
Speaker 3: that you can do for someone who has been broken,

706
00:39:16,800 --> 00:39:22,080
Speaker 3: who's bitter, who doesn't have the right perspective for their self,

707
00:39:23,520 --> 00:39:27,279
Speaker 3: there's no saving there's no saving them. They can save themselves,

708
00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:31,080
Speaker 3: but you have to walk away you. I mean, you

709
00:39:31,120 --> 00:39:33,960
Speaker 3: could create boundaries. There's something I'm just learning two years

710
00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:37,200
Speaker 3: ago about boundaries. How can I that crazy? I'm fifty

711
00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:41,879
Speaker 3: four years old boundaries had none. You have to. I mean,

712
00:39:42,719 --> 00:39:45,799
Speaker 3: I I don't want to sound harsh, but what I

713
00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:48,840
Speaker 3: know that, what I know that I know now, what

714
00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:54,000
Speaker 3: I know that I know now, you gotta walk away.

715
00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:57,919
Speaker 3: Unfortunately you can. You know, you can try to give

716
00:39:57,960 --> 00:40:00,400
Speaker 3: them the best advice. I would say, point them to

717
00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:02,400
Speaker 3: a therapist. This is what I tell everybody when I

718
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:05,239
Speaker 3: speak to people. When I go out and speak, they

719
00:40:05,280 --> 00:40:07,520
Speaker 3: asked me how did I do it? I say God First.

720
00:40:08,360 --> 00:40:11,839
Speaker 3: That's still not good enough of them. I say, because

721
00:40:11,880 --> 00:40:13,360
Speaker 3: God is the one that's going to guide us and

722
00:40:13,440 --> 00:40:15,239
Speaker 3: lead us to what we need to be. So that's

723
00:40:15,239 --> 00:40:19,000
Speaker 3: why I say God first. If you're trying to help

724
00:40:19,040 --> 00:40:23,319
Speaker 3: someone else, direct them to therapy. You can't be You're

725
00:40:23,360 --> 00:40:25,120
Speaker 3: not built and equipped. And I don't mean that in

726
00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:29,040
Speaker 3: an offensive way, but this is a mental and emotional

727
00:40:29,040 --> 00:40:32,520
Speaker 3: and spiritual battle that you cannot handle. And I know

728
00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:35,800
Speaker 3: that now. I could say that now because I realized

729
00:40:35,840 --> 00:40:39,839
Speaker 3: that I was in spiritual warfare. There was so much

730
00:40:40,000 --> 00:40:43,200
Speaker 3: darkness over X that I did not have a clue.

731
00:40:43,320 --> 00:40:45,080
Speaker 3: I just thought that it was because when he've been

732
00:40:45,120 --> 00:40:48,200
Speaker 3: through I made every excuse in the book, and at

733
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:50,239
Speaker 3: the end of the day, we only have one life,

734
00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:57,080
Speaker 3: and God has given us all equipped us for a

735
00:40:57,120 --> 00:40:59,600
Speaker 3: plan and a purpose for our life. It's uniquely made

736
00:41:00,040 --> 00:41:03,520
Speaker 3: and I know that now. So you can't try to

737
00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:08,120
Speaker 3: bamboozle yours, because I'm trying to find a word. You

738
00:41:08,160 --> 00:41:11,120
Speaker 3: can't bamboozle yours for somebody else. It's just a I mean,

739
00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:16,040
Speaker 3: I would even say that for a relative, a sibling.

740
00:41:16,280 --> 00:41:20,919
Speaker 3: I mean, I'm sorry, a relative, a child. Like I'm

741
00:41:21,000 --> 00:41:27,240
Speaker 3: learning now that mental illness is real, and I didn't understand.

742
00:41:27,280 --> 00:41:29,680
Speaker 3: I didn't know that even existed. No one talked about

743
00:41:29,680 --> 00:41:32,839
Speaker 3: it my generation, my dad's generation. I used to try

744
00:41:32,840 --> 00:41:36,239
Speaker 3: to have conversations with him about my ex husband, and

745
00:41:36,480 --> 00:41:39,640
Speaker 3: he would always give me very toxic answers.

746
00:41:39,680 --> 00:41:40,399
Speaker 1: He thought I was.

747
00:41:40,360 --> 00:41:44,040
Speaker 3: Speaking too much. Stop telling people about what's happening. Start

748
00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:47,920
Speaker 3: doing this is the kind of the generation advice I

749
00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:51,400
Speaker 3: was getting. And what it made me do is, you know,

750
00:41:51,640 --> 00:41:55,920
Speaker 3: keep dealing, keep dealing. So I mean, I would just

751
00:41:55,920 --> 00:41:57,879
Speaker 3: say not, do you know, try to save yourself before

752
00:41:57,880 --> 00:41:59,919
Speaker 3: you try to save somebody else to a younger girl,

753
00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:03,240
Speaker 3: Please try to save yourself first. If you even feel

754
00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:05,400
Speaker 3: some kind of connection where you want to help somebody,

755
00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:07,520
Speaker 3: that's been through so much trauma, then you need to

756
00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:09,880
Speaker 3: just kind of look at yourself to be honest with that.

757
00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:14,839
Speaker 3: You got something, some something's going on down inside you

758
00:42:15,280 --> 00:42:18,759
Speaker 3: that you even feel connected to want to help that person. Yeah,

759
00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:21,040
Speaker 3: you know what I mean, because it's like I get that.

760
00:42:21,520 --> 00:42:25,759
Speaker 3: What about you said you learned learning about boundaries in

761
00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:28,279
Speaker 3: the past couple of years. What does that look like?

762
00:42:28,320 --> 00:42:30,719
Speaker 1: What have you learned? How are you implementing them?

763
00:42:31,320 --> 00:42:37,040
Speaker 3: So people don't like boundaries, I'm learning. I'm learning that.

764
00:42:37,160 --> 00:42:40,880
Speaker 3: I'm learning. I've never said no. Never. I thought that

765
00:42:40,960 --> 00:42:44,120
Speaker 3: was the most worst thing to do. I don't know

766
00:42:44,200 --> 00:42:47,520
Speaker 3: why that, Like, I don't know why I put myself

767
00:42:47,560 --> 00:42:52,279
Speaker 3: through that because no is so good. It feels so

768
00:42:52,440 --> 00:42:54,360
Speaker 3: good to say no, because if you don't want to

769
00:42:54,400 --> 00:42:57,440
Speaker 3: do something, then no.

770
00:42:58,400 --> 00:43:03,239
Speaker 1: Like why is that so long? Why for me? Why

771
00:43:03,360 --> 00:43:04,000
Speaker 1: was it so hard?

772
00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:09,160
Speaker 3: Why do you think because worth? It's my worth? And

773
00:43:09,200 --> 00:43:13,200
Speaker 3: you know what I feel like because of I left

774
00:43:13,320 --> 00:43:18,399
Speaker 3: my mom and not my dad. No was no when

775
00:43:18,400 --> 00:43:21,400
Speaker 3: I say no, like, you're on your own, go survive.

776
00:43:22,440 --> 00:43:25,000
Speaker 3: We can't help you. We got our own stuff that's

777
00:43:25,040 --> 00:43:27,200
Speaker 3: going on. So I for some reason I put that

778
00:43:27,360 --> 00:43:31,720
Speaker 3: together with if someone asked me for something, money, help,

779
00:43:34,160 --> 00:43:37,080
Speaker 3: just just out there, like just stuff that people ask you.

780
00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:38,680
Speaker 3: Can I come stay with you? Can I come live

781
00:43:38,719 --> 00:43:41,400
Speaker 3: with you? I don't have money? Can you pay for

782
00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:44,359
Speaker 3: my trip? Like just anything? I would feel like I'm

783
00:43:44,480 --> 00:43:50,399
Speaker 3: letting them down if I said no, because of That's

784
00:43:50,400 --> 00:43:51,560
Speaker 3: why it's.

785
00:43:51,560 --> 00:43:57,480
Speaker 1: It's get weird, like you're like overcompensating for I don't

786
00:43:57,520 --> 00:43:59,600
Speaker 1: know how you were disappointed. You didn't want to disappoint.

787
00:43:59,600 --> 00:44:02,560
Speaker 1: You don't want to disappoint anybody else. Yeah, I get that.

788
00:44:02,680 --> 00:44:06,640
Speaker 3: And that's why self healing is so important. Like you

789
00:44:06,800 --> 00:44:11,800
Speaker 3: cannot because I literally let everything flow over into places

790
00:44:11,840 --> 00:44:15,239
Speaker 3: that shouldn't have even been Yeah, like why like no,

791
00:44:15,560 --> 00:44:17,960
Speaker 3: I don't like why am I a bad person because

792
00:44:17,960 --> 00:44:20,600
Speaker 3: I said no? And people play on that?

793
00:44:20,760 --> 00:44:20,840
Speaker 1: No?

794
00:44:21,000 --> 00:44:25,760
Speaker 3: For sure, Yo, I'm like, I'm just two years now

795
00:44:25,880 --> 00:44:28,200
Speaker 3: and I'm I'm at peace now.

796
00:44:28,239 --> 00:44:30,600
Speaker 1: It wouldn't be You would be surprised how many women

797
00:44:30,680 --> 00:44:35,239
Speaker 1: struggle with this all. It's not uncommon, Wow, saying no

798
00:44:35,800 --> 00:44:38,720
Speaker 1: and having boundaries. No, it's not uncommon at all.

799
00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:41,840
Speaker 3: Not uncommon. I feel like I've lost a few people

800
00:44:43,000 --> 00:44:46,200
Speaker 3: and they weren't meant to be there. You start to

801
00:44:46,239 --> 00:44:48,640
Speaker 3: really see who people are when you set your boundaries.

802
00:44:48,920 --> 00:44:51,360
Speaker 1: You have an interesting friendship with Debbie.

803
00:44:51,560 --> 00:44:52,480
Speaker 3: Yes, Debbie.

804
00:44:52,880 --> 00:44:57,960
Speaker 1: So Debbie was irv's wife, you were ex's wife. I

805
00:44:57,960 --> 00:45:00,160
Speaker 1: would imagine she had her own little trauma bond going

806
00:45:00,239 --> 00:45:02,200
Speaker 1: on over there. I don't want to tell her story.

807
00:45:02,440 --> 00:45:05,120
Speaker 1: She could tell her own story. But I mean we

808
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:06,960
Speaker 1: saw some of this story because they had that reality

809
00:45:06,960 --> 00:45:11,040
Speaker 1: show at one point. But how much has friends that

810
00:45:11,160 --> 00:45:14,839
Speaker 1: friendship kind of helped you find your way out. I mean,

811
00:45:14,840 --> 00:45:16,400
Speaker 1: I don't know how close you are. Always got a

812
00:45:16,440 --> 00:45:17,399
Speaker 1: sense that you were really close.

813
00:45:17,640 --> 00:45:20,760
Speaker 3: No, no, no, Yeah, she's like one of my best friends.

814
00:45:21,280 --> 00:45:24,320
Speaker 3: What I love about her is because we literally mirrored

815
00:45:24,440 --> 00:45:29,480
Speaker 3: the same story. We we went, we walked through our

816
00:45:29,600 --> 00:45:35,560
Speaker 3: trauma from our marriage together. Literally when X and job

817
00:45:35,640 --> 00:45:39,040
Speaker 3: fell out, things got well. X and IRV never fell out.

818
00:45:39,160 --> 00:45:42,759
Speaker 3: They always stayed close, but it made it weird, you know,

819
00:45:42,960 --> 00:45:44,960
Speaker 3: Like and X was like I got I get it,

820
00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:48,560
Speaker 3: like you know what I'm saying. But Debbie was like,

821
00:45:48,880 --> 00:45:50,839
Speaker 3: we call each other up, literally, like we're not letting

822
00:45:50,840 --> 00:45:53,319
Speaker 3: this affect our Like what the what the guys are

823
00:45:53,360 --> 00:45:55,279
Speaker 3: doing is so dumb, Like we're not going to do

824
00:45:55,320 --> 00:45:57,680
Speaker 3: this to our relationship. Like literally, that's a conversation we

825
00:45:57,719 --> 00:46:01,200
Speaker 3: had and from then on we were just so close.

826
00:46:01,440 --> 00:46:04,520
Speaker 3: We were still married, happily married at the time, and

827
00:46:04,680 --> 00:46:07,560
Speaker 3: when things started to go left, it went left with

828
00:46:07,640 --> 00:46:09,759
Speaker 3: her first with IRV, so she would start hanging with

829
00:46:09,800 --> 00:46:12,480
Speaker 3: me and X all the time, where IRV would get

830
00:46:12,560 --> 00:46:14,799
Speaker 3: mad at X and be like, yo, like what's going on?

831
00:46:14,920 --> 00:46:16,120
Speaker 1: Like why?

832
00:46:16,160 --> 00:46:16,600
Speaker 3: Like why?

833
00:46:16,640 --> 00:46:16,839
Speaker 4: Why?

834
00:46:16,880 --> 00:46:18,800
Speaker 1: Why is Dev with y'all? Like you know what I'm saying.

835
00:46:19,680 --> 00:46:21,520
Speaker 3: Earl was like, cause I loved I loved deb but

836
00:46:21,600 --> 00:46:23,279
Speaker 3: like I got nothing to do. What's going on with you?

837
00:46:23,360 --> 00:46:25,960
Speaker 3: With Dev? It was so funny. But and then me

838
00:46:26,040 --> 00:46:30,120
Speaker 3: and X fell out, which Debbie Debbie, and she'll probably

839
00:46:30,120 --> 00:46:31,840
Speaker 3: tell you if you ever get a chance to speak

840
00:46:31,880 --> 00:46:34,960
Speaker 3: to her, but she was devastated that me and X

841
00:46:35,040 --> 00:46:39,160
Speaker 3: fell out because she said she's never seen like someone

842
00:46:39,360 --> 00:46:42,560
Speaker 3: loved someone so much. And you know, I used to

843
00:46:42,600 --> 00:46:44,640
Speaker 3: roll with X all the time. It wasn't like her

844
00:46:44,680 --> 00:46:47,320
Speaker 3: biggest thing with IRV was like, you don't take me nowhere?

845
00:46:48,320 --> 00:46:48,840
Speaker 1: Me and X.

846
00:46:48,840 --> 00:46:51,120
Speaker 3: I would go everywhere with him. So she was like,

847
00:46:51,160 --> 00:46:53,000
Speaker 3: there's no way he was cheating. It's no way he

848
00:46:53,040 --> 00:46:55,439
Speaker 3: was doing this. There's no way he's doing I was like, no, yeah,

849
00:46:55,960 --> 00:46:58,719
Speaker 3: he did found a way. Yea, yeah, he found a

850
00:46:58,760 --> 00:47:01,600
Speaker 3: way and it is real juicy too. Let me tell

851
00:47:01,640 --> 00:47:06,400
Speaker 3: you how he was doing it. But yeah, she's one

852
00:47:06,400 --> 00:47:08,239
Speaker 3: of my best friends. We definitely went through a lot

853
00:47:08,239 --> 00:47:12,000
Speaker 3: of trauma together. And the fact that you know, when

854
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:15,160
Speaker 3: Earth passed, you know, her and the kids asked me

855
00:47:15,239 --> 00:47:19,000
Speaker 3: to speak. I was scared, to be honest with you. Really,

856
00:47:19,000 --> 00:47:22,480
Speaker 3: you were beautiful. Thank you well just because I was

857
00:47:22,520 --> 00:47:25,160
Speaker 3: just like, I was scared because I'm like, what, first

858
00:47:25,239 --> 00:47:27,960
Speaker 3: I spoke at Earls, now I'm speaking at RBS. This

859
00:47:28,080 --> 00:47:30,520
Speaker 3: is real creepy, Like you know what I'm saying. I'm like,

860
00:47:30,520 --> 00:47:32,920
Speaker 3: what am I going to say to two great lives?

861
00:47:33,680 --> 00:47:35,960
Speaker 3: And that meant a lot to me too, Like you know,

862
00:47:36,080 --> 00:47:40,680
Speaker 3: I was just like, but I nailed this, so thank you.

863
00:47:40,680 --> 00:47:45,360
Speaker 1: You were amazing. What about you know, there's like a

864
00:47:45,400 --> 00:47:48,319
Speaker 1: fine line I think that women, especially when they're so

865
00:47:49,560 --> 00:47:51,719
Speaker 1: when their marriage means like how you say you you

866
00:47:51,800 --> 00:47:54,719
Speaker 1: found your worth kind of as wife? Right? I mean,

867
00:47:54,760 --> 00:47:59,239
Speaker 1: where's the line between like given grace? You gave X

868
00:47:59,239 --> 00:48:04,279
Speaker 1: so much grace, Earl so much grace. Where is the

869
00:48:04,280 --> 00:48:09,080
Speaker 1: line between grace and then also self care? Because I

870
00:48:09,200 --> 00:48:11,680
Speaker 1: also like to I don't know, I think I give

871
00:48:11,719 --> 00:48:15,200
Speaker 1: people a lot of grace. Sometimes people say too much

872
00:48:17,120 --> 00:48:22,640
Speaker 1: yourst me. I see that you are, but what have

873
00:48:22,680 --> 00:48:27,560
Speaker 1: you learned about that? Because you are, you know, you

874
00:48:27,640 --> 00:48:31,080
Speaker 1: believe in God, you are a godly woman. That does

875
00:48:31,480 --> 00:48:34,399
Speaker 1: usually mean you give people grace, You try to see

876
00:48:34,440 --> 00:48:39,080
Speaker 1: them through how God would see them, right, but also

877
00:48:39,120 --> 00:48:42,200
Speaker 1: then you have to see yourself the way God sees

878
00:48:42,280 --> 00:48:46,160
Speaker 1: you also too, So how do you kind of separate that?

879
00:48:46,920 --> 00:48:49,879
Speaker 1: Like when grace, like giving giving him grace probably kept

880
00:48:49,880 --> 00:48:51,759
Speaker 1: you in that relationship for way longer than you needed

881
00:48:51,800 --> 00:48:55,839
Speaker 1: to be right, Yeah, it did, So I'm just saying,

882
00:48:55,840 --> 00:48:58,839
Speaker 1: how do you navigate that? How do you think? Does

883
00:48:58,840 --> 00:49:00,839
Speaker 1: that make sense? It's the question as Nah, it does?

884
00:49:01,000 --> 00:49:02,640
Speaker 3: And you know what, I feel like it was life

885
00:49:02,880 --> 00:49:05,520
Speaker 3: it was. It was a life or death situation, like

886
00:49:05,560 --> 00:49:09,840
Speaker 3: a spiritual life a death situation. I started when I

887
00:49:09,880 --> 00:49:13,480
Speaker 3: say that is because when you give the grace to

888
00:49:13,560 --> 00:49:19,920
Speaker 3: a fault where you start to realize that your heart

889
00:49:19,960 --> 00:49:24,240
Speaker 3: doesn't feel right, like my heart and my spirit started

890
00:49:24,280 --> 00:49:27,960
Speaker 3: to feel like I want to say, I want to

891
00:49:28,000 --> 00:49:29,440
Speaker 3: give a better word than off.

892
00:49:31,080 --> 00:49:31,520
Speaker 4: You know what.

893
00:49:33,080 --> 00:49:35,640
Speaker 3: I'm gonna tell you. It's a word that I've been

894
00:49:35,640 --> 00:49:42,400
Speaker 3: working on. It's called d debreeding, debreeding, So it's a

895
00:49:42,560 --> 00:49:46,719
Speaker 3: it's a it's a it's a real medical thing that

896
00:49:46,760 --> 00:49:50,400
Speaker 3: they do with people with diabetes. And it's a metaphor

897
00:49:50,680 --> 00:49:54,760
Speaker 3: that I learned in my therap with my therapists where

898
00:49:57,920 --> 00:49:59,520
Speaker 3: I'm gonna make sure that I say it right. So

899
00:50:00,880 --> 00:50:05,719
Speaker 3: what they do is when people have diabetes, every time

900
00:50:05,760 --> 00:50:08,399
Speaker 3: they go back, like when they have a sore, every

901
00:50:08,480 --> 00:50:10,799
Speaker 3: time they go back to the doctor, they have to

902
00:50:10,960 --> 00:50:16,799
Speaker 3: cut and it bleeds every time. And this is a

903
00:50:16,840 --> 00:50:19,920
Speaker 3: mentor of minds who suffered from this. They said that

904
00:50:21,320 --> 00:50:24,360
Speaker 3: They asked, why, when I thought that it's starting to

905
00:50:24,360 --> 00:50:29,640
Speaker 3: get better and heal, you cut it again. And he said,

906
00:50:29,800 --> 00:50:35,359
Speaker 3: because I'm constantly cutting and letting it bleed, and I

907
00:50:35,400 --> 00:50:38,880
Speaker 3: know it hurts, but when we get to the core,

908
00:50:39,800 --> 00:50:44,400
Speaker 3: you will be healed. And I use that metaphor for

909
00:50:44,520 --> 00:50:47,280
Speaker 3: myself what you just now said about the grace, because

910
00:50:48,400 --> 00:50:54,560
Speaker 3: even though I'm giving grace, I'm bleeding. The person's cutting me,

911
00:50:55,400 --> 00:51:00,319
Speaker 3: but I'm finding something positive to keep on going. And

912
00:51:00,360 --> 00:51:05,600
Speaker 3: then but as I kept cutting, getting cut and keep

913
00:51:05,640 --> 00:51:11,160
Speaker 3: getting hurt during the process, it came to a point

914
00:51:11,160 --> 00:51:19,120
Speaker 3: where I said, no, no more. There's a soft hurting

915
00:51:19,200 --> 00:51:23,839
Speaker 3: spot here that I have to pay attention to, and

916
00:51:23,920 --> 00:51:28,440
Speaker 3: I can't allow them to hurt me anymore. They don't

917
00:51:28,480 --> 00:51:33,560
Speaker 3: deserve my grace any more. And it's not until I

918
00:51:33,600 --> 00:51:38,080
Speaker 3: got to that hurting. I mean, I bled out every

919
00:51:38,080 --> 00:51:41,200
Speaker 3: time I gave Earl grace or anybody who hurt me

920
00:51:41,280 --> 00:51:46,200
Speaker 3: for that matter. It wasn't only once. Every time I

921
00:51:46,280 --> 00:51:49,799
Speaker 3: did it, I was hurting. I went home, I beat

922
00:51:49,880 --> 00:51:52,800
Speaker 3: myself up or whenever, if I'm driving home, like the

923
00:51:52,920 --> 00:51:56,479
Speaker 3: last week before I saw him, he was his heart

924
00:51:56,560 --> 00:51:58,719
Speaker 3: was always with me, and I could really say that

925
00:51:59,400 --> 00:52:02,319
Speaker 3: it was mine with him, no, because I knew I

926
00:52:02,400 --> 00:52:04,360
Speaker 3: was finally at the place where I was just like,

927
00:52:04,920 --> 00:52:10,799
Speaker 3: you're toxic. You have not changed one bit, and you

928
00:52:10,920 --> 00:52:13,319
Speaker 3: continue to try to hurt me, But this way it wasn't.

929
00:52:13,360 --> 00:52:16,480
Speaker 3: It was a different kind of hurt. You know. He

930
00:52:17,120 --> 00:52:19,279
Speaker 3: was mad that the kind of outfit that I had on,

931
00:52:19,880 --> 00:52:22,719
Speaker 3: like I was still his wife, and it hurt me

932
00:52:23,000 --> 00:52:25,920
Speaker 3: because I'm just like, I could see that you still

933
00:52:25,960 --> 00:52:29,520
Speaker 3: love me, but you've hurt me so bad. How can

934
00:52:29,560 --> 00:52:33,080
Speaker 3: you not comprehend that? And I went home and I

935
00:52:33,160 --> 00:52:36,000
Speaker 3: cried the whole way home, and I said to God.

936
00:52:36,040 --> 00:52:40,399
Speaker 3: I said, God, why don't this Why do I still

937
00:52:40,400 --> 00:52:44,960
Speaker 3: allow this man to make me feel this way? And

938
00:52:45,040 --> 00:52:47,680
Speaker 3: I give him grace. I should have cussed him out,

939
00:52:47,719 --> 00:52:51,240
Speaker 3: but I didn't. I just said, Yo, worry about whoever

940
00:52:51,280 --> 00:52:53,440
Speaker 3: you went right now and how they dress? Why you

941
00:52:53,440 --> 00:52:56,319
Speaker 3: worry about what I got on right now? And he

942
00:52:56,440 --> 00:52:59,279
Speaker 3: was so angry that he left the party. It was

943
00:52:59,280 --> 00:53:03,719
Speaker 3: we were celebrating God daughter. He left because I don't

944
00:53:03,719 --> 00:53:05,680
Speaker 3: know what kind of reaction he was wanted to get

945
00:53:05,719 --> 00:53:09,080
Speaker 3: from me, but it was a little embarrassing. You know,

946
00:53:09,120 --> 00:53:11,480
Speaker 3: everybody's paying attention to us because they know that we're

947
00:53:11,480 --> 00:53:14,600
Speaker 3: not together, but we're at this bar and here we're

948
00:53:14,680 --> 00:53:17,560
Speaker 3: kicking it, we're talking, and you know, it was also

949
00:53:17,640 --> 00:53:20,640
Speaker 3: the same time when he told me my vessel is tired,

950
00:53:20,680 --> 00:53:23,920
Speaker 3: but my name is gonna live on. And it was

951
00:53:23,920 --> 00:53:27,279
Speaker 3: a week later that it happened, so literally, so it

952
00:53:27,320 --> 00:53:28,920
Speaker 3: was like a lot happened in that moment.

953
00:53:28,920 --> 00:53:31,960
Speaker 1: So you're dealing with this all the way up until

954
00:53:32,280 --> 00:53:36,799
Speaker 1: for his whole life, his whole life, even when we're

955
00:53:36,840 --> 00:53:40,839
Speaker 1: broken up. So the divorce didn't free you from this,

956
00:53:41,480 --> 00:53:44,839
Speaker 1: No trauma bond did not. As much as I tried

957
00:53:44,840 --> 00:53:47,320
Speaker 1: to run away it's still how long were you divorced

958
00:53:47,360 --> 00:53:48,160
Speaker 1: before he.

959
00:53:48,800 --> 00:53:54,760
Speaker 3: We divorced twenty sixteen nineteen. That five years after our divorce.

960
00:53:55,920 --> 00:53:58,879
Speaker 3: And it was a struggle, like I mean, we didn't

961
00:53:58,880 --> 00:54:03,959
Speaker 3: see each other all the time, became every Thanksgiving, never

962
00:54:04,000 --> 00:54:07,680
Speaker 3: missed a Thanksgiving. Did that annoy me absolutely every time?

963
00:54:08,080 --> 00:54:11,000
Speaker 3: But we have kids and it was hard for me

964
00:54:11,080 --> 00:54:13,560
Speaker 3: to date and move on. I mean and every time

965
00:54:13,600 --> 00:54:16,719
Speaker 3: he every two days before Thanksgiving? So who's going to

966
00:54:16,760 --> 00:54:19,719
Speaker 3: be at your house a Thanksgiving? The last year, the

967
00:54:19,800 --> 00:54:22,080
Speaker 3: last Thanksgiving that he spent I said, Earl, I'm not

968
00:54:22,200 --> 00:54:24,000
Speaker 3: dating anybody, and no one's going to be.

969
00:54:23,920 --> 00:54:24,440
Speaker 1: At the house.

970
00:54:25,280 --> 00:54:27,160
Speaker 3: Oh oh okay, okay, I'm just saying, you know, I

971
00:54:27,160 --> 00:54:29,000
Speaker 3: don't have to hurt nobody, Like why would you want

972
00:54:29,000 --> 00:54:31,800
Speaker 3: to hurt somebody that I'm dating? And you don moved

973
00:54:31,800 --> 00:54:32,880
Speaker 3: on a thousand times?

974
00:54:33,040 --> 00:54:34,400
Speaker 5: Like what the like?

975
00:54:34,520 --> 00:54:37,759
Speaker 3: And it's like, you know, it's like.

976
00:54:37,880 --> 00:54:38,640
Speaker 4: What about you?

977
00:54:40,440 --> 00:54:42,000
Speaker 1: Have you been able to move on?

978
00:54:42,239 --> 00:54:45,000
Speaker 3: So I have. I've tried to date. So this is okay.

979
00:54:45,040 --> 00:54:46,920
Speaker 3: So because this story, I feel like we have to

980
00:54:46,960 --> 00:54:49,520
Speaker 3: do a part too, right because it's like because it's

981
00:54:49,560 --> 00:54:51,680
Speaker 3: so much, but I did, like I tried to move on,

982
00:54:51,800 --> 00:54:54,480
Speaker 3: like In the six years after our divorce, I dated

983
00:54:54,480 --> 00:54:56,120
Speaker 3: a couple of guys. Tried to make sure it was

984
00:54:56,160 --> 00:54:59,839
Speaker 3: outside of the industry. One was a therapist. It's psychi

985
00:55:00,000 --> 00:55:06,799
Speaker 3: interesting exactly, and it was really nice, but he had

986
00:55:06,840 --> 00:55:10,800
Speaker 3: a drinking problem exactly. So when you say, would you

987
00:55:10,840 --> 00:55:13,680
Speaker 3: say another girl? The good thing is see I had

988
00:55:13,719 --> 00:55:16,759
Speaker 3: maybe had to travel bond with Earl, but when I

989
00:55:16,800 --> 00:55:20,160
Speaker 3: saw that drinking habit, I ran. I was like, oh,

990
00:55:20,480 --> 00:55:22,400
Speaker 3: we ain't about to do this exactly. And he was

991
00:55:22,440 --> 00:55:25,000
Speaker 3: a really nice guy, but it wasn't for me. Then

992
00:55:25,040 --> 00:55:28,279
Speaker 3: I dated another guy. He was a construction worker, and

993
00:55:29,520 --> 00:55:33,719
Speaker 3: he was the most kindest man I've met in my

994
00:55:33,920 --> 00:55:38,040
Speaker 3: in my in my dating, you know, because there was

995
00:55:38,080 --> 00:55:40,000
Speaker 3: a few guys that maybe just talked on the phone.

996
00:55:40,000 --> 00:55:44,800
Speaker 3: But he was so kind and I started to see

997
00:55:44,840 --> 00:55:48,520
Speaker 3: how wounded I was in that he aggravated my soul

998
00:55:48,880 --> 00:55:53,279
Speaker 3: because he was kind to me, Like I literally turned

999
00:55:53,320 --> 00:55:56,320
Speaker 3: into Earl. I feel like, why are you so happy today? Meanwhile,

1000
00:55:56,360 --> 00:55:58,200
Speaker 3: that's how I used to be Like. Earl used to

1001
00:55:58,239 --> 00:55:59,759
Speaker 3: say that to me, why are you so happy today?

1002
00:55:59,760 --> 00:56:02,319
Speaker 3: And I like, because I woke up today? And I

1003
00:56:02,360 --> 00:56:05,560
Speaker 3: started to be like that with that guy, and he

1004
00:56:05,680 --> 00:56:08,440
Speaker 3: said to me. He said, I noticed that you're like

1005
00:56:08,719 --> 00:56:11,680
Speaker 3: starting to be very mean to me, and it's always

1006
00:56:11,760 --> 00:56:15,080
Speaker 3: when I'm trying to be kind, Are you okay? And

1007
00:56:15,120 --> 00:56:18,279
Speaker 3: that really hurt me. It really hurt me. And I said,

1008
00:56:18,320 --> 00:56:21,440
Speaker 3: you know what, I think it's sometimes it's time for

1009
00:56:21,480 --> 00:56:25,080
Speaker 3: me to start taking time for myself. I don't think

1010
00:56:25,120 --> 00:56:28,560
Speaker 3: this dating thing is to move for me. I am broken.

1011
00:56:29,080 --> 00:56:32,160
Speaker 3: I'm a broken woman. And I tried to act like

1012
00:56:32,200 --> 00:56:35,680
Speaker 3: I was healed, I'm happy, I moved on, and no,

1013
00:56:35,800 --> 00:56:38,319
Speaker 3: I was really broken. And that was ten years ago.

1014
00:56:38,640 --> 00:56:41,800
Speaker 1: Wow, you got to give yourself a break though, because

1015
00:56:42,719 --> 00:56:47,879
Speaker 1: you don't unravel all of that life quickly. It took

1016
00:56:47,920 --> 00:56:49,680
Speaker 1: you all those years to build that life.

1017
00:56:49,840 --> 00:56:51,759
Speaker 3: It took me ten years to get to where I'm

1018
00:56:51,800 --> 00:56:52,160
Speaker 3: at the now.

1019
00:56:52,600 --> 00:56:53,879
Speaker 1: Where do you feel like you are now?

1020
00:56:54,520 --> 00:56:56,200
Speaker 3: I think I'm in the best place I've ever been.

1021
00:56:58,520 --> 00:57:01,680
Speaker 3: The ex versus Earle is I didn't want to talk

1022
00:57:01,680 --> 00:57:07,800
Speaker 3: about earle I tried everything to not go the route

1023
00:57:07,840 --> 00:57:10,480
Speaker 3: that I am now when it comes to like being public.

1024
00:57:11,200 --> 00:57:16,840
Speaker 3: But I'm noticing that it is my story. So even

1025
00:57:16,840 --> 00:57:20,320
Speaker 3: though I talk about it like it's kind of present,

1026
00:57:20,480 --> 00:57:23,200
Speaker 3: it really isn't. Like now I'm in a place where

1027
00:57:24,640 --> 00:57:27,920
Speaker 3: first of all, I had to raise four broken kids.

1028
00:57:29,360 --> 00:57:32,160
Speaker 3: They were very broken because Earle was very present in

1029
00:57:32,240 --> 00:57:37,479
Speaker 3: their lives and then he wasn't. I had to try

1030
00:57:37,520 --> 00:57:40,919
Speaker 3: to help them and help myself at the same time.

1031
00:57:40,960 --> 00:57:44,880
Speaker 3: So here we go again, from Earle to now my children.

1032
00:57:44,960 --> 00:57:49,200
Speaker 3: But it was it was so much more rewarding because

1033
00:57:49,720 --> 00:57:52,120
Speaker 3: I knew that it was important for me to put

1034
00:57:52,160 --> 00:57:56,200
Speaker 3: out some human beings in this world that were not broken,

1035
00:57:56,280 --> 00:57:59,200
Speaker 3: like myself and their dad. How do you do that?

1036
00:57:59,920 --> 00:58:04,840
Speaker 3: You help children who are broken? Yeah, when I tell

1037
00:58:04,920 --> 00:58:10,400
Speaker 3: you it was the best. Lost myself. I lost myself,

1038
00:58:10,440 --> 00:58:13,560
Speaker 3: but I found myself at the same time in my children.

1039
00:58:14,400 --> 00:58:17,800
Speaker 3: And how I did that was I had to shut

1040
00:58:17,800 --> 00:58:22,400
Speaker 3: off the world in a sense, lock in, don't go

1041
00:58:22,520 --> 00:58:30,560
Speaker 3: out dating dead, and really take the time for each

1042
00:58:30,640 --> 00:58:34,240
Speaker 3: individual to find out who are you? Why are you hurting?

1043
00:58:34,760 --> 00:58:37,600
Speaker 3: This is what happened with mommy and daddy. This is

1044
00:58:37,720 --> 00:58:43,040
Speaker 3: what happens if you are not whole and heal. And

1045
00:58:43,120 --> 00:58:45,400
Speaker 3: I don't want you to be like this. I don't

1046
00:58:45,400 --> 00:58:49,680
Speaker 3: want you to repeat this generational curse that me and

1047
00:58:49,720 --> 00:58:53,480
Speaker 3: your dad did because I was abandoned, my mom was abandoned,

1048
00:58:53,600 --> 00:58:54,720
Speaker 3: my father was abandoned.

1049
00:58:54,800 --> 00:58:55,000
Speaker 1: Wow.

1050
00:58:55,080 --> 00:58:57,440
Speaker 3: I found that out as I did my research and healing.

1051
00:58:57,960 --> 00:59:01,640
Speaker 3: Earl was abandoned his mother and his father in a sense,

1052
00:59:01,840 --> 00:59:04,360
Speaker 3: his father definitely abandoned him his mother because you know,

1053
00:59:04,400 --> 00:59:08,040
Speaker 3: put him in a group home. Then his mother was abandoned.

1054
00:59:09,120 --> 00:59:12,400
Speaker 3: I don't know about his dad, but these are generational curses.

1055
00:59:13,000 --> 00:59:15,760
Speaker 3: And I was like, it's time to stop now. So

1056
00:59:15,880 --> 00:59:19,560
Speaker 3: I would talk to them. One with my daughter was one,

1057
00:59:21,160 --> 00:59:24,600
Speaker 3: one of my sons was four, another one was seven,

1058
00:59:25,120 --> 00:59:27,720
Speaker 3: and then there was a fourteen year old. And I

1059
00:59:27,840 --> 00:59:29,840
Speaker 3: literally talked to them like me and you were talking.

1060
00:59:30,600 --> 00:59:33,200
Speaker 3: I just there's no right, there's no guide for being

1061
00:59:33,200 --> 00:59:34,560
Speaker 3: a parent. So I was just like, you know what,

1062
00:59:34,600 --> 00:59:36,600
Speaker 3: I'm gonna go for it because when I was left

1063
00:59:36,640 --> 00:59:41,600
Speaker 3: alone and at fourteen and nobody told me, nobody told

1064
00:59:41,600 --> 00:59:44,600
Speaker 3: me nothing, So I'm gonna take the risk. And they

1065
00:59:44,880 --> 00:59:49,360
Speaker 3: it worked. They I mean, it's the best. They are

1066
00:59:49,400 --> 00:59:55,680
Speaker 3: the best. They are the reflection of what I've been through,

1067
00:59:56,000 --> 00:59:59,960
Speaker 3: what I overcame that God is really real. That's another

1068
01:00:00,120 --> 01:00:02,560
Speaker 3: thing I instilled God. I said, I know it looks

1069
01:00:02,600 --> 01:00:04,600
Speaker 3: crazy right now. And I don't know if you got

1070
01:00:04,600 --> 01:00:06,240
Speaker 3: a chance to look at the last episode, because just

1071
01:00:06,200 --> 01:00:09,640
Speaker 3: so you know, these are like very short clips because

1072
01:00:09,640 --> 01:00:14,880
Speaker 3: there's so much more to come. But I do feel

1073
01:00:14,880 --> 01:00:18,120
Speaker 3: like I'm gone. I'm done. I am not that woman

1074
01:00:18,160 --> 01:00:23,160
Speaker 3: that I used to be. Whatever that happened before, whatever

1075
01:00:23,200 --> 01:00:26,120
Speaker 3: Earl did before, I was over it before he passed.

1076
01:00:26,920 --> 01:00:29,760
Speaker 3: But when he passed opened up a whole nother wound

1077
01:00:29,760 --> 01:00:32,520
Speaker 3: that I didn't even know was there. Yeah, and I'm.

1078
01:00:32,400 --> 01:00:35,160
Speaker 1: Sure you worry about too, because he is your children's

1079
01:00:35,200 --> 01:00:37,760
Speaker 1: father and you do still like have.

1080
01:00:38,040 --> 01:00:39,280
Speaker 3: Love like I do.

1081
01:00:41,160 --> 01:00:44,040
Speaker 1: So it's like a fine line between protecting him and

1082
01:00:44,200 --> 01:00:48,240
Speaker 1: honoring him and what he could have been and talking

1083
01:00:48,240 --> 01:00:51,760
Speaker 1: about him honestly and his struggles, but then also giving

1084
01:00:51,800 --> 01:00:55,360
Speaker 1: yourself the freedom to tell your full, truthful story. Yep,

1085
01:00:55,440 --> 01:00:57,400
Speaker 1: it's like, I'm sure that's complicated.

1086
01:00:58,360 --> 01:01:00,800
Speaker 3: Well, the good thing is I was honest from the beginning.

1087
01:01:01,760 --> 01:01:06,120
Speaker 3: They've watched me really struggle and survive. I mean it

1088
01:01:06,200 --> 01:01:09,400
Speaker 3: was really bad. We basically were like homeless in a

1089
01:01:09,520 --> 01:01:13,000
Speaker 3: home that me and Earl bought with love but couldn't

1090
01:01:13,040 --> 01:01:16,240
Speaker 3: afford to pay a lot of the bills. And it

1091
01:01:16,320 --> 01:01:18,760
Speaker 3: was just by the grace of God, I mean, because

1092
01:01:19,560 --> 01:01:22,160
Speaker 3: you know, Earl was totally taken over by the dark

1093
01:01:22,240 --> 01:01:28,040
Speaker 3: side the person. I don't care what anyone says. I

1094
01:01:28,120 --> 01:01:30,200
Speaker 3: know that the man that I fell in love with,

1095
01:01:30,520 --> 01:01:32,360
Speaker 3: the man that I met, the young boy that I

1096
01:01:32,400 --> 01:01:34,880
Speaker 3: met when we were seventeen years old, but never abandoned

1097
01:01:34,920 --> 01:01:38,720
Speaker 3: his family. And I say that to say because the

1098
01:01:38,800 --> 01:01:41,560
Speaker 3: devil's real and I hate to be sounding all like woh,

1099
01:01:41,560 --> 01:01:43,720
Speaker 3: but it's the truth. I always say. The greatest trick

1100
01:01:43,800 --> 01:01:46,400
Speaker 3: that he ever did was make people believe he didn't.

1101
01:01:46,520 --> 01:01:50,960
Speaker 3: And why I say that is because Earle taught me

1102
01:01:51,000 --> 01:01:54,360
Speaker 3: who Damon was, and I was like, he called him Damon,

1103
01:01:54,560 --> 01:01:57,320
Speaker 3: but I was just like, he doesn't exist, He's not real.

1104
01:01:57,760 --> 01:02:00,520
Speaker 3: And then I seen him get taken over by him.

1105
01:02:00,520 --> 01:02:06,120
Speaker 3: So my children know that. I told them that you

1106
01:02:06,240 --> 01:02:09,320
Speaker 3: have to be very careful the spirits that you surround

1107
01:02:09,360 --> 01:02:14,439
Speaker 3: yourself with. Women. Men. I'm very big on I talk

1108
01:02:14,640 --> 01:02:18,880
Speaker 3: very freely about sex. I feel like soul ties come

1109
01:02:18,960 --> 01:02:21,440
Speaker 3: through sex if you're not aligned with the right partner.

1110
01:02:23,040 --> 01:02:26,000
Speaker 3: I just was honest with them, And what is that?

1111
01:02:26,240 --> 01:02:28,720
Speaker 1: What are your beliefs about that? Yo?

1112
01:02:29,400 --> 01:02:34,080
Speaker 3: You think sex could actually it's definitely sol ties. I

1113
01:02:34,120 --> 01:02:37,240
Speaker 3: don't know if you ever experienced it before, but I've

1114
01:02:37,280 --> 01:02:40,320
Speaker 3: talked to so many women now and they say that

1115
01:02:40,400 --> 01:02:42,800
Speaker 3: sometimes they have sex with somebody that they didn't know

1116
01:02:42,840 --> 01:02:45,320
Speaker 3: they were with a bunch of other different women and

1117
01:02:45,600 --> 01:02:48,280
Speaker 3: they they're taking on these energies that they don't realize.

1118
01:02:48,280 --> 01:02:50,919
Speaker 3: But I think it's an impath I'm an impath, which

1119
01:02:50,920 --> 01:02:53,280
Speaker 3: I've had to learn through through therapy what that was.

1120
01:02:53,720 --> 01:02:55,959
Speaker 3: But they would feel funny, I have to having sex.

1121
01:02:56,000 --> 01:02:57,840
Speaker 3: Then they wouldn't even want to be with the person anymore.

1122
01:02:57,840 --> 01:02:59,840
Speaker 3: But for some reason, they're still craving and yearning for

1123
01:02:59,840 --> 01:03:02,320
Speaker 3: them them. And I said, yeah, because you have a

1124
01:03:02,360 --> 01:03:06,400
Speaker 3: soul tie like when you have when you have intercourse,

1125
01:03:07,080 --> 01:03:10,160
Speaker 3: you're sharing spirits at the same time. And this is

1126
01:03:10,240 --> 01:03:13,840
Speaker 3: why marriage. And I know everybody ain't doing it, so

1127
01:03:13,880 --> 01:03:16,200
Speaker 3: I'm not pleased. I'm not trying to judge anyone. Everybody

1128
01:03:16,200 --> 01:03:19,960
Speaker 3: got to get to that space. But when you you know,

1129
01:03:20,040 --> 01:03:24,320
Speaker 3: God created marriage for a reason because it's supposed to

1130
01:03:24,360 --> 01:03:27,720
Speaker 3: be intimate with your partner. You know what I'm saying.

1131
01:03:27,800 --> 01:03:29,680
Speaker 3: But I know this is a we're living in an

1132
01:03:29,720 --> 01:03:31,520
Speaker 3: era that that sounds crazy right now.

1133
01:03:31,360 --> 01:03:32,920
Speaker 1: But that's what you believe.

1134
01:03:32,960 --> 01:03:36,360
Speaker 3: But I do believe in that, Yeah, And you know,

1135
01:03:36,440 --> 01:03:38,800
Speaker 3: I believe that walking in the light is always better

1136
01:03:38,840 --> 01:03:40,320
Speaker 3: than walking in the dark, for sure.

1137
01:03:40,520 --> 01:03:43,040
Speaker 1: Well, what do you think about the term ride or die?

1138
01:03:44,280 --> 01:03:46,760
Speaker 2: Because we were fed that our generation was spent so

1139
01:03:46,880 --> 01:03:49,760
Speaker 2: hard like ride or die, doesn't.

1140
01:03:50,720 --> 01:03:51,800
Speaker 1: Ride or die?

1141
01:03:51,960 --> 01:03:55,200
Speaker 3: And guess what, I'm the I used to always be loved.

1142
01:03:55,360 --> 01:03:57,320
Speaker 3: I love to be that ride to die check. But

1143
01:03:57,560 --> 01:04:00,680
Speaker 3: I'll tell you that's that's that's that's over right. I'm done.

1144
01:04:00,720 --> 01:04:01,960
Speaker 3: I'm done being a rioted.

1145
01:04:03,440 --> 01:04:06,280
Speaker 1: Is ride or dying is? Like? Is that overrated?

1146
01:04:06,320 --> 01:04:08,600
Speaker 3: That's the word I was looking for. To die is

1147
01:04:08,640 --> 01:04:12,440
Speaker 3: overrated for us grown women out here, and you young girls,

1148
01:04:12,480 --> 01:04:14,960
Speaker 3: that's trying to be a ride to die is overrated.

1149
01:04:15,000 --> 01:04:15,440
Speaker 1: It's whack.

1150
01:04:15,520 --> 01:04:17,200
Speaker 3: It's not it's not even a way to go anymore.

1151
01:04:17,240 --> 01:04:18,400
Speaker 3: You ride about for yourself.

1152
01:04:20,800 --> 01:04:27,840
Speaker 1: What do you think about the term unconditional love? Yeah,

1153
01:04:28,000 --> 01:04:31,160
Speaker 1: do you think do you think that's a good thing?

1154
01:04:31,240 --> 01:04:34,520
Speaker 1: Or do you think that there should be some conditions

1155
01:04:34,560 --> 01:04:38,520
Speaker 1: to love, even marriage, even the way you know the

1156
01:04:39,560 --> 01:04:42,760
Speaker 1: marriage is for better or for worse. And then we're

1157
01:04:42,760 --> 01:04:46,720
Speaker 1: fed this term I love you unconditionally. I just wonder

1158
01:04:46,800 --> 01:04:52,080
Speaker 1: for you from having such a tumultuous kind of experience.

1159
01:04:51,800 --> 01:05:00,400
Speaker 3: To love someone unconditionally is I feel it's dangerous to

1160
01:05:00,560 --> 01:05:03,160
Speaker 3: even try to do that. Like I feel like love

1161
01:05:03,360 --> 01:05:09,800
Speaker 3: has like obviously love's supposed to be easy, and when

1162
01:05:10,000 --> 01:05:12,760
Speaker 3: it doesn't feel easy, And you know how I know

1163
01:05:12,840 --> 01:05:17,000
Speaker 3: that because my children doesn't love in yourr you have

1164
01:05:17,040 --> 01:05:20,200
Speaker 3: a son, right, doesn't loving your son come easy? I mean,

1165
01:05:20,240 --> 01:05:24,160
Speaker 3: obviously nothing so okay, but it's so easy. And I

1166
01:05:24,600 --> 01:05:28,200
Speaker 3: learned that through my children that this is love. It

1167
01:05:28,320 --> 01:05:31,720
Speaker 3: comes easy. We communicate sometimes you may get on my nerve,

1168
01:05:31,760 --> 01:05:36,760
Speaker 3: but I love you unconditional. But when it comes to relationships,

1169
01:05:36,760 --> 01:05:40,160
Speaker 3: so I guess it depends on who you're saying it too.

1170
01:05:40,360 --> 01:05:44,240
Speaker 3: Like I love him unconditionally. Obviously it's too early for

1171
01:05:44,280 --> 01:05:47,400
Speaker 3: me to say. But in my next relationship, I feel

1172
01:05:47,440 --> 01:05:51,000
Speaker 3: like I have to kind of fall back on that unconditional,

1173
01:05:51,440 --> 01:05:55,800
Speaker 3: have some conditions there because some boundary, yeah, exact, yeah,

1174
01:05:55,840 --> 01:05:59,479
Speaker 3: I gotta put boundaries there. And so no, I think

1175
01:05:59,520 --> 01:06:01,880
Speaker 3: that that's kind of something. As we were growing up,

1176
01:06:01,920 --> 01:06:06,640
Speaker 3: we weren't properly taught how to love. I didn't you know,

1177
01:06:08,200 --> 01:06:10,880
Speaker 3: they didn't think about conditions. They just left they walked out,

1178
01:06:11,040 --> 01:06:13,040
Speaker 3: figured it out on your own. And then I met

1179
01:06:13,080 --> 01:06:15,520
Speaker 3: this young boy and I was like, I love him

1180
01:06:15,560 --> 01:06:20,040
Speaker 3: unconditional because that's how he loves me. But I don't

1181
01:06:20,080 --> 01:06:22,439
Speaker 3: know if that was really right. Like if I put

1182
01:06:22,480 --> 01:06:25,520
Speaker 3: some conditions up, maybe things would have went a little better.

1183
01:06:25,520 --> 01:06:27,600
Speaker 3: Maybe if I stood up more for myself. And you know,

1184
01:06:27,680 --> 01:06:30,520
Speaker 3: obviously I want to be hard on myself, but sometimes

1185
01:06:30,520 --> 01:06:33,240
Speaker 3: you got to treat people how to love you. I

1186
01:06:33,240 --> 01:06:35,320
Speaker 3: don't think I did that, you know, and that's in

1187
01:06:35,320 --> 01:06:37,880
Speaker 3: his defense. He's going out, but you got to put

1188
01:06:37,920 --> 01:06:40,760
Speaker 3: some rule, you gotta say, some boundaries. I didn't hold

1189
01:06:40,800 --> 01:06:43,600
Speaker 3: him accountable for nothing. I was just like I made

1190
01:06:43,600 --> 01:06:47,560
Speaker 3: an excuse for everything. And you know what, I think

1191
01:06:47,600 --> 01:06:50,680
Speaker 3: he had some boundaries, you know, I think he had

1192
01:06:50,720 --> 01:06:53,919
Speaker 3: not in love, but he was always very honest about

1193
01:06:53,920 --> 01:06:58,360
Speaker 3: how he felt. And mine's was just like, whatever makes

1194
01:06:58,400 --> 01:07:02,760
Speaker 3: you happy makes me happy. And that's very very because

1195
01:07:03,120 --> 01:07:07,520
Speaker 3: if you don't, people will suck you up. And you know,

1196
01:07:08,400 --> 01:07:12,640
Speaker 3: so unconditional, Yeah, gotta come with some conditions happiness. And

1197
01:07:12,840 --> 01:07:15,600
Speaker 3: that was my way of saying, I love you unconditional

1198
01:07:16,640 --> 01:07:20,360
Speaker 3: and no now and where I am today, it has

1199
01:07:20,400 --> 01:07:22,720
Speaker 3: to be some conditions. And guess what, you know, probably

1200
01:07:22,720 --> 01:07:25,960
Speaker 3: with our children too, because sometimes children could do things

1201
01:07:26,000 --> 01:07:28,240
Speaker 3: that may be hurtful and we got to call them

1202
01:07:28,240 --> 01:07:31,360
Speaker 3: on it because we're like, listen, I love you, but

1203
01:07:31,520 --> 01:07:35,000
Speaker 3: that didn't make me feel good, you know, And thank

1204
01:07:35,040 --> 01:07:36,160
Speaker 3: god I haven't had those.

1205
01:07:36,240 --> 01:07:43,680
Speaker 1: Really, you're being honest, accountable exactly, different exactly, and I

1206
01:07:43,720 --> 01:07:44,240
Speaker 1: didn't do that.

1207
01:07:44,320 --> 01:07:48,280
Speaker 3: I didn't do that in my marriage. Well I tried

1208
01:07:48,360 --> 01:07:51,440
Speaker 3: to when it was him out of control and how

1209
01:07:51,440 --> 01:07:55,840
Speaker 3: he treated other people or how he treated hisself, but

1210
01:07:56,360 --> 01:07:57,480
Speaker 3: not how he treated me.

1211
01:07:58,480 --> 01:07:59,200
Speaker 1: That's weird.

1212
01:07:59,320 --> 01:08:01,560
Speaker 3: Now, Okay, we just dropped it just now because I.

1213
01:08:01,520 --> 01:08:03,760
Speaker 1: Really I said, that's weird.

1214
01:08:04,040 --> 01:08:07,200
Speaker 3: That's weird. Like when I look back now, I'm just

1215
01:08:07,240 --> 01:08:09,360
Speaker 3: so grateful to be where I am now like that.

1216
01:08:09,600 --> 01:08:11,920
Speaker 3: You know, I know people I've met, grown women are

1217
01:08:11,960 --> 01:08:14,640
Speaker 3: still in this place and that's no judgment. It's just

1218
01:08:14,680 --> 01:08:17,800
Speaker 3: that we gotta do better for ourselves.

1219
01:08:17,920 --> 01:08:23,439
Speaker 1: What about love, I don't know what. You marry again?

1220
01:08:24,200 --> 01:08:28,000
Speaker 3: Yeah you would, I would, you know what? Because now

1221
01:08:28,040 --> 01:08:30,439
Speaker 3: that I know what I know, I have friends who

1222
01:08:30,560 --> 01:08:34,960
Speaker 3: have came out of similar situations twenty years later meeting

1223
01:08:35,000 --> 01:08:38,120
Speaker 3: someone who is just like, They're like, we're doing life

1224
01:08:38,120 --> 01:08:42,639
Speaker 3: together now, and I'm like, wow. I didn't think about

1225
01:08:42,640 --> 01:08:45,760
Speaker 3: that until recently though, because now that my kids are

1226
01:08:45,800 --> 01:08:51,439
Speaker 3: getting older and they they're good now. My oldest son

1227
01:08:51,760 --> 01:08:54,200
Speaker 3: tells me all the time. He's like, Ma, I want

1228
01:08:54,240 --> 01:08:56,840
Speaker 3: to see you happy. I said, I am happy, he said,

1229
01:08:56,840 --> 01:08:58,599
Speaker 3: but you know what I mean, Ma, You know, like

1230
01:08:58,680 --> 01:09:01,960
Speaker 3: you know with someone, you know having a good life too,

1231
01:09:02,080 --> 01:09:04,800
Speaker 3: like you know with someone And I'm like, at first

1232
01:09:04,800 --> 01:09:08,360
Speaker 3: I got offended, Like, but I like being by myself,

1233
01:09:08,439 --> 01:09:10,960
Speaker 3: Like I love being singles with your father for since

1234
01:09:11,000 --> 01:09:14,640
Speaker 3: I was eighteen years old. Like, but but now I'm like,

1235
01:09:14,960 --> 01:09:18,000
Speaker 3: you know what, it won't be too bad. That doesn't

1236
01:09:18,000 --> 01:09:20,120
Speaker 3: sound too bad, but obviously God got to be the

1237
01:09:20,160 --> 01:09:23,400
Speaker 3: one to do it. I'm gonna know.

1238
01:09:22,240 --> 01:09:25,439
Speaker 1: Yeah, it could be so interesting to see you navigate

1239
01:09:25,520 --> 01:09:28,479
Speaker 1: those waters with this new understanding of yourself and yes,

1240
01:09:29,160 --> 01:09:30,520
Speaker 1: just new love for yourself.

1241
01:09:30,600 --> 01:09:32,479
Speaker 3: And yeah, I think it's gonna be a lot better.

1242
01:09:32,520 --> 01:09:35,280
Speaker 3: And that's why it makes me happy thinking about, you know,

1243
01:09:35,680 --> 01:09:37,599
Speaker 3: if I was able to do life with someone else,

1244
01:09:37,640 --> 01:09:39,280
Speaker 3: I think, well, they have to be the right person.

1245
01:09:39,320 --> 01:09:42,040
Speaker 3: Obviously they got to be have done the work. If

1246
01:09:42,080 --> 01:09:44,040
Speaker 3: they haven't, you know, if they have any issues. But

1247
01:09:45,360 --> 01:09:49,639
Speaker 3: I think I think marriage is beautiful. I never really

1248
01:09:49,680 --> 01:09:52,759
Speaker 3: talked about a lot of this before because I do believe,

1249
01:09:52,960 --> 01:09:55,360
Speaker 3: believe it or not, the good outweigh too bad in

1250
01:09:55,880 --> 01:09:57,000
Speaker 3: me and the rest relationship?

1251
01:09:57,080 --> 01:09:57,920
Speaker 1: Did you still do?

1252
01:09:58,320 --> 01:10:01,360
Speaker 3: I do? Man, I just learned so much from that.

1253
01:10:02,200 --> 01:10:04,400
Speaker 3: It was the best times of my life. I mean,

1254
01:10:04,400 --> 01:10:07,640
Speaker 3: we had so much fun. Like I said, like so

1255
01:10:07,760 --> 01:10:11,200
Speaker 3: many other marriages, like they didn't let their wives be around,

1256
01:10:11,360 --> 01:10:12,840
Speaker 3: or they didn't know how much money was in a

1257
01:10:12,920 --> 01:10:16,040
Speaker 3: bank account. Like Earl always made me feel like he

1258
01:10:16,160 --> 01:10:20,160
Speaker 3: was just like she runs everything, and he always put

1259
01:10:20,200 --> 01:10:22,080
Speaker 3: me on a pedestal. And I never knew that he

1260
01:10:22,120 --> 01:10:24,000
Speaker 3: was doing the things that he was doing until he

1261
01:10:24,040 --> 01:10:27,320
Speaker 3: started getting really sloppy in the end and a lot

1262
01:10:27,360 --> 01:10:29,560
Speaker 3: of drugs was being used so he couldn't keep it

1263
01:10:29,600 --> 01:10:32,759
Speaker 3: together like he used to. But I'm telling you, it's

1264
01:10:32,800 --> 01:10:36,600
Speaker 3: a crazy love story, but I like it.

1265
01:10:37,000 --> 01:10:38,040
Speaker 1: I take it now.

1266
01:10:38,200 --> 01:10:40,760
Speaker 3: It's your life, it's my life, your real life, it's

1267
01:10:40,760 --> 01:10:44,040
Speaker 3: my real life. And I'm still here to talk about it.

1268
01:10:44,040 --> 01:10:46,519
Speaker 3: Thank God, Thank God, God, bless man.

1269
01:10:46,800 --> 01:10:49,200
Speaker 1: Seriously, Hey guys, you ever signed up for a phone

1270
01:10:49,240 --> 01:10:51,559
Speaker 1: plan thinking Wow, what a great price, and then a

1271
01:10:51,560 --> 01:10:54,320
Speaker 1: few months later it's like, surprise, your bill is higher.

1272
01:10:54,680 --> 01:10:57,920
Speaker 1: We hate that. With Boost Mobile, you paid twenty five

1273
01:10:57,960 --> 01:11:01,240
Speaker 1: dollars a month forever that's unlimited talk, text and data

1274
01:11:01,280 --> 01:11:03,320
Speaker 1: starting at just twenty five dollars a month. There's no

1275
01:11:03,400 --> 01:11:06,240
Speaker 1: price hikes, there's no contract, and this is forever.

1276
01:11:06,320 --> 01:11:06,599
Speaker 4: Plus.

1277
01:11:06,640 --> 01:11:10,559
Speaker 1: Boost Mobile is now a legit nationwide five G network.

1278
01:11:10,720 --> 01:11:14,080
Speaker 1: They invested billions building five G towers across the country.

1279
01:11:14,560 --> 01:11:17,559
Speaker 1: So what you need to do is visit boostmobile dot

1280
01:11:17,560 --> 01:11:19,720
Speaker 1: com or head to your local booststore today and get

1281
01:11:19,800 --> 01:11:23,160
Speaker 1: unlimited talk, text and data for twenty five dollars a

1282
01:11:23,200 --> 01:11:26,120
Speaker 1: month forever. Five G speeds not available in all areas.

1283
01:11:26,120 --> 01:11:29,880
Speaker 1: After thirty gigabytes, customers may experience lower speeds. Customers will

1284
01:11:29,880 --> 01:11:31,960
Speaker 1: pay twenty five dollars a month as long as they

1285
01:11:31,960 --> 01:11:34,679
Speaker 1: remain active on the Boost Unlimited plan.

1286
01:11:34,960 --> 01:11:37,559
Speaker 4: All right, we have a second called the IRL Bowl.

1287
01:11:37,840 --> 01:11:39,760
Speaker 1: No, we're gonna do our voice notoe first. This is

1288
01:11:39,760 --> 01:11:43,200
Speaker 1: a voice note did usually a listener answer, I mean

1289
01:11:43,280 --> 01:11:46,559
Speaker 1: a question or comment. So okay, let's get to our

1290
01:11:46,840 --> 01:11:47,559
Speaker 1: voice note.

1291
01:11:47,840 --> 01:11:48,800
Speaker 5: Hi to Sharah.

1292
01:11:48,840 --> 01:11:49,639
Speaker 1: My name's Lauren.

1293
01:11:51,479 --> 01:11:55,920
Speaker 5: So my question was on forgiveness and not for DMX,

1294
01:11:56,000 --> 01:11:58,960
Speaker 5: but for yourself. So a lot of times we blame

1295
01:11:58,960 --> 01:12:03,960
Speaker 5: ourselves for staying in relationships longer than we know to

1296
01:12:04,000 --> 01:12:08,679
Speaker 5: stay in them. And of course it's always difficult. And

1297
01:12:09,600 --> 01:12:11,879
Speaker 5: have you forgiven yourself for staying longer?

1298
01:12:12,160 --> 01:12:16,240
Speaker 3: Ooh, quick question, that's an amazing question. The first time

1299
01:12:16,320 --> 01:12:19,080
Speaker 3: I knew I had to forgive myself was the first

1300
01:12:19,120 --> 01:12:22,439
Speaker 3: day I sat on the couch of my therapist, and

1301
01:12:22,560 --> 01:12:25,960
Speaker 3: my first two sessions were just crying because I had

1302
01:12:26,040 --> 01:12:30,320
Speaker 3: realized that I had went too far. I realized that

1303
01:12:30,400 --> 01:12:34,599
Speaker 3: I didn't know what made me happy, and I knew

1304
01:12:34,640 --> 01:12:36,760
Speaker 3: that I was going to start. I had to be

1305
01:12:36,880 --> 01:12:38,800
Speaker 3: on that journey to love on myself. So to love

1306
01:12:38,800 --> 01:12:40,800
Speaker 3: on myself, I go away by myself. I want to

1307
01:12:40,800 --> 01:12:44,600
Speaker 3: tell Hawaii by myself. I went to some spiritual retreats,

1308
01:12:45,600 --> 01:12:47,880
Speaker 3: but really loving on yourself, to be honest with you,

1309
01:12:48,040 --> 01:12:51,840
Speaker 3: is getting a therapist because they tear you to pieces

1310
01:12:51,920 --> 01:12:55,400
Speaker 3: and they build you back up together. It's not about Earl,

1311
01:12:55,520 --> 01:12:57,879
Speaker 3: It's not about the kids. It's about the girls sitting

1312
01:12:57,920 --> 01:13:01,240
Speaker 3: in that chair that wants help. Mm hmm.

1313
01:13:02,080 --> 01:13:05,800
Speaker 1: And that's the biggest love. Have you forgiven yourself for

1314
01:13:06,000 --> 01:13:08,800
Speaker 1: some of the things that you've done to yourself? Yeah?

1315
01:13:08,840 --> 01:13:09,040
Speaker 5: I have.

1316
01:13:09,320 --> 01:13:11,400
Speaker 3: I just started, though I would say again a lot

1317
01:13:11,400 --> 01:13:14,240
Speaker 3: of stuff took took place two years ago. I've just

1318
01:13:14,320 --> 01:13:16,840
Speaker 3: started to forgive myself. I didn't even know that I

1319
01:13:16,880 --> 01:13:20,679
Speaker 3: needed to forgive myself. And I have these moments where

1320
01:13:20,960 --> 01:13:26,719
Speaker 3: I just start crying or I start laughing, and I'm like, girl,

1321
01:13:26,840 --> 01:13:30,160
Speaker 3: you did some dumb stuff, like why did you do

1322
01:13:30,240 --> 01:13:33,639
Speaker 3: that to yourself? And I think the laughing is good

1323
01:13:34,120 --> 01:13:38,679
Speaker 3: because I don't feel that hurt anymore. I don't feel

1324
01:13:38,680 --> 01:13:43,400
Speaker 3: that hole anymore. I feel like I finally feel a whole.

1325
01:13:43,920 --> 01:13:47,439
Speaker 3: I finally see to share the way to Shara's supposed

1326
01:13:47,439 --> 01:13:48,280
Speaker 3: to see to.

1327
01:13:48,280 --> 01:13:49,360
Speaker 1: Share a And who is she?

1328
01:13:50,680 --> 01:13:50,920
Speaker 2: Man?

1329
01:13:51,040 --> 01:13:51,120
Speaker 5: To?

1330
01:13:51,200 --> 01:13:58,400
Speaker 3: Shara is courageous, she's smart, she's loving, she's kind. I'm

1331
01:13:58,439 --> 01:14:03,479
Speaker 3: outgoing up to travel. I'm sporadic. I'm last minute. That's

1332
01:14:03,520 --> 01:14:08,320
Speaker 3: what's sporadic. I love God, Oh my God. To Sharah

1333
01:14:08,479 --> 01:14:11,280
Speaker 3: loves God. I don't know where I would be without him.

1334
01:14:11,320 --> 01:14:14,800
Speaker 3: He's my best friend. Yeah, seriously, that's pretty good.

1335
01:14:15,520 --> 01:14:15,920
Speaker 4: Hey, guys.

1336
01:14:15,920 --> 01:14:18,720
Speaker 1: Support for this podcast is brought to you by Walden University.

1337
01:14:19,120 --> 01:14:21,760
Speaker 1: Have you ever thought to yourself, what if I could

1338
01:14:21,800 --> 01:14:24,840
Speaker 1: go after what I actually want and I could really

1339
01:14:24,880 --> 01:14:27,479
Speaker 1: make a difference. Well, you are not alone, and this

1340
01:14:27,600 --> 01:14:30,120
Speaker 1: is exactly why I want to tell you about Walden University.

1341
01:14:30,360 --> 01:14:33,880
Speaker 1: For over fifty years Walden has helped working adults like

1342
01:14:33,960 --> 01:14:37,680
Speaker 1: you get the w with the knowledge, the skills and

1343
01:14:37,760 --> 01:14:39,920
Speaker 1: everything you need to build the future that you want

1344
01:14:40,200 --> 01:14:42,439
Speaker 1: and you can make a difference where it matters most.

1345
01:14:42,600 --> 01:14:45,120
Speaker 1: If you've been waiting for the right moment, this is it.

1346
01:14:45,400 --> 01:14:48,759
Speaker 1: Head to waldenu dot edu and take that first step.

1347
01:14:48,960 --> 01:14:53,120
Speaker 1: Walden University set a course for change, certified to operate

1348
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Speaker 1: by shiv or. No, we have a bowl. Let's put

1349
01:14:55,280 --> 01:14:57,760
Speaker 1: you in the bowl. We got an Irol bowl. Pick

1350
01:14:57,800 --> 01:14:58,320
Speaker 1: a question.

1351
01:15:00,080 --> 01:15:03,640
Speaker 3: I'm sorry. I love my kids too, but the kids

1352
01:15:04,160 --> 01:15:08,360
Speaker 3: you said, you're crying my kids?

1353
01:15:08,360 --> 01:15:11,000
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'm sorry. I got you already know.

1354
01:15:11,560 --> 01:15:15,160
Speaker 1: This is our irl Bowl presented by Walden University.

1355
01:15:15,479 --> 01:15:20,439
Speaker 3: If you could instantly master any skill, what would it

1356
01:15:20,520 --> 01:15:31,799
Speaker 3: be m master living in the moment. That's a skill

1357
01:15:32,000 --> 01:15:37,320
Speaker 3: that takes serious intention. Just enjoy every day and live

1358
01:15:37,360 --> 01:15:39,400
Speaker 3: in a moment. And that's a skill that I'm working

1359
01:15:39,400 --> 01:15:40,479
Speaker 3: on in my healing.

1360
01:15:42,040 --> 01:15:44,680
Speaker 1: I love that all right in real life? What are

1361
01:15:44,680 --> 01:15:46,200
Speaker 1: you most proud of about yourself?

1362
01:15:47,200 --> 01:15:53,519
Speaker 3: In real life? The mother I've I was afraid in

1363
01:15:53,560 --> 01:15:56,720
Speaker 3: the beginning of not being a good mom because of

1364
01:15:56,960 --> 01:15:59,400
Speaker 3: what I've been through and how my mom abandoned me.

1365
01:16:00,400 --> 01:16:02,840
Speaker 3: But that is one of the most things I'm proud

1366
01:16:02,840 --> 01:16:08,400
Speaker 3: of because I have one. I've succeeded to raise healthy

1367
01:16:08,640 --> 01:16:13,000
Speaker 3: for children, to be someone's amazing husband or wife.

1368
01:16:14,600 --> 01:16:17,559
Speaker 1: Well done, Mama, Thank you. What do you like most

1369
01:16:17,600 --> 01:16:18,360
Speaker 1: about yourself?

1370
01:16:18,680 --> 01:16:20,960
Speaker 3: What I like about myself is that I'm comfortable in

1371
01:16:21,000 --> 01:16:24,240
Speaker 3: my own skin, that I know who I am now

1372
01:16:24,800 --> 01:16:28,280
Speaker 3: and I have my own identity. For a very long time,

1373
01:16:28,400 --> 01:16:31,679
Speaker 3: my identity was an earl. And now what I really

1374
01:16:31,760 --> 01:16:34,439
Speaker 3: love about myself is that I'm happy to be Toashia.

1375
01:16:36,080 --> 01:16:39,400
Speaker 1: Good for you, bo. I am no longer available for.

1376
01:16:42,040 --> 01:16:46,519
Speaker 3: I am no longer available for negativity, for bullshit, for

1377
01:16:46,680 --> 01:16:50,240
Speaker 3: people speaking on my life that they have no idea about.

1378
01:16:50,880 --> 01:16:54,120
Speaker 3: I am no longer available for that. If it ain't positive,

1379
01:16:54,560 --> 01:16:57,520
Speaker 3: I got no energy for it, period.

1380
01:16:58,200 --> 01:17:01,320
Speaker 1: And I'm not afraid to say no. Do you still

1381
01:17:01,360 --> 01:17:02,840
Speaker 1: feel the need We're gonna wrap up right now. But

1382
01:17:02,840 --> 01:17:05,240
Speaker 1: do you still feel the need? Well, I guess you

1383
01:17:05,320 --> 01:17:07,560
Speaker 1: must because your yes, your son's father. But do you

1384
01:17:07,640 --> 01:17:11,320
Speaker 1: still feel the need to represent for X, for Earl

1385
01:17:12,439 --> 01:17:16,080
Speaker 1: to be a representation for him since he's no longer here.

1386
01:17:16,479 --> 01:17:19,920
Speaker 3: I do. I do feel the need too, and that's

1387
01:17:19,960 --> 01:17:23,360
Speaker 3: the point of the name of the Doctor series X

1388
01:17:23,439 --> 01:17:25,960
Speaker 3: versus Earl, because I feel like he hasn't had the

1389
01:17:26,040 --> 01:17:31,080
Speaker 3: proper representation of who Earl is, because you know, X

1390
01:17:31,200 --> 01:17:34,960
Speaker 3: is who most people really knew and DMX, so I

1391
01:17:35,000 --> 01:17:38,160
Speaker 3: do still feel the need because you know, I know

1392
01:17:38,240 --> 01:17:41,559
Speaker 3: who he really was. And two because it's only right

1393
01:17:41,640 --> 01:17:45,800
Speaker 3: that's my children's father, not to mention my first love,

1394
01:17:45,840 --> 01:17:52,080
Speaker 3: of my childhood sweetheart. And it makes me sad that

1395
01:17:52,200 --> 01:17:57,240
Speaker 3: he went at fifty. But Earl was tired and he

1396
01:17:57,360 --> 01:17:59,920
Speaker 3: told me that, and that's why I had peace in it.

1397
01:18:01,479 --> 01:18:05,000
Speaker 3: Not happy about it, but I had peace with it

1398
01:18:05,040 --> 01:18:06,960
Speaker 3: because he told me he was tired, and I could

1399
01:18:07,000 --> 01:18:09,639
Speaker 3: see it in his eyes and in his voice, and

1400
01:18:10,400 --> 01:18:12,800
Speaker 3: I got scared and I didn't think it was gonna happen,

1401
01:18:12,880 --> 01:18:14,960
Speaker 3: but it did a week later. Wow.

1402
01:18:16,160 --> 01:18:18,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, that must have been a tough time for you.

1403
01:18:20,320 --> 01:18:22,400
Speaker 3: I didn't think it would be, just because I knew

1404
01:18:22,400 --> 01:18:24,600
Speaker 3: that Earl was tired. But I felt a part of

1405
01:18:24,640 --> 01:18:28,679
Speaker 3: me died definitely, because he knew. He knew me longer

1406
01:18:28,720 --> 01:18:31,920
Speaker 3: than I'm here. I was alive. We were together and

1407
01:18:32,040 --> 01:18:36,200
Speaker 3: we're friends for over forty years, and a part of

1408
01:18:36,439 --> 01:18:39,719
Speaker 3: a big part of me was ripped. I mean I really,

1409
01:18:40,160 --> 01:18:43,160
Speaker 3: before he passed away, I thought I found myself. And

1410
01:18:43,200 --> 01:18:46,400
Speaker 3: then when he passed away, I had died of myself

1411
01:18:47,320 --> 01:18:51,960
Speaker 3: to find myself again, and that was not an easy journey.

1412
01:18:52,000 --> 01:18:54,559
Speaker 3: It has taken me another three four years to get

1413
01:18:54,600 --> 01:18:56,920
Speaker 3: to where I am. Now, Wow, my God, when is

1414
01:18:56,920 --> 01:19:01,000
Speaker 3: it over? God? Well, I think we finally had energy.

1415
01:19:00,560 --> 01:19:02,280
Speaker 1: And I think you are well on your way to

1416
01:19:02,320 --> 01:19:03,639
Speaker 1: whatever you're supposed to be doing.

1417
01:19:03,840 --> 01:19:07,639
Speaker 3: Yeah I feel that now. Yeah, good for you. Yeah,

1418
01:19:07,680 --> 01:19:09,880
Speaker 3: thank you, Yeah for sure. I congrats on the doctor

1419
01:19:09,880 --> 01:19:10,160
Speaker 3: to them.

1420
01:19:10,720 --> 01:19:12,720
Speaker 1: Thank you. My final question you didn't get in the bull,

1421
01:19:12,760 --> 01:19:15,200
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna ask you, if God were to text

1422
01:19:15,240 --> 01:19:17,840
Speaker 1: you right now, what would it say?

1423
01:19:19,040 --> 01:19:20,759
Speaker 3: If God were to text me, You've got.

1424
01:19:20,640 --> 01:19:24,080
Speaker 1: A text from God right now, what.

1425
01:19:24,080 --> 01:19:31,240
Speaker 3: Would it say? I want you to start focusing on yourself.

1426
01:19:35,400 --> 01:19:38,559
Speaker 1: There it is real life.

1427
01:19:43,320 --> 01:19:45,439
Speaker 3: My legs all the way over here because that was

1428
01:19:45,479 --> 01:19:49,320
Speaker 3: so good, Ergie. I just want to tell you real

1429
01:19:49,400 --> 01:19:52,880
Speaker 3: quick though. You made it your energy and your spirit.

1430
01:19:54,320 --> 01:20:05,679
Speaker 3: It felt safe. This is to Surance Simmons in real life.

1431
01:20:06,040 --> 01:20:08,680
Speaker 1: Hey guys, thanks for watching. Make sure you subscribe, like

1432
01:20:09,000 --> 01:20:11,640
Speaker 1: comments and check out all of the other episodes we

1433
01:20:11,680 --> 01:20:13,719
Speaker 1: have on Edge Martinez Iro podcast,