Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. N Welcome to the Talla Show.
Speaker 1: My name is John Short. Look a bit, oh blie.
Speaker 1: We said.
Speaker 2: We've been gone, Uh we just got back and we've
Speaker 2: been gone like a like a week.
Speaker 1: It's been a week or a decade or what the fuck?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 2: Oh my god, so much, so much has happened in
Speaker 2: that week. In fact, I believe perhaps it's best to
Speaker 2: describe what's happened through a short one man black box play,
Speaker 2: one that I truly hope will be Tony eligible.
Speaker 1: Can I get a little? Give me a little like
Speaker 1: stetto music.
Speaker 2: I am a democrat, so sad, so called.
Speaker 4: It's all the world is due, the world and the future.
Speaker 4: She's bleak.
Speaker 1: The President's ditch has gotten even deeper. There's no path
Speaker 1: to victory. The worst nightmare kind of scenario. It's a
Speaker 1: doom loop. We are trapped in a doom loop.
Speaker 2: That's the worst kind of loop. Why couldn't have been
Speaker 2: one of those loops made of fruit? But alas, my
Speaker 2: ball is empty, condemned to a life of misery and
Speaker 2: minority status in key sub committees. Oh, nothing will ever
Speaker 2: change our sad fate.
Speaker 5: Breaking news, President Biden dropping out of the twenty twenty
Speaker 5: four race.
Speaker 2: Say that again, but who would guide us out of
Speaker 2: the darkness?
Speaker 4: Who would take us there to the promised that I'm
Speaker 4: coming home the watching mother load.
Speaker 1: I feel alive Tonight breaking news.
Speaker 3: Vice President Kamala Harris now the presumptive Democratic nominee.
Speaker 1: A political earthquake. There is a new path in everybody's step.
Speaker 2: In the span of week, Democrats have gone from the
Speaker 2: despair of a certain Trump presidency to the joy of
Speaker 2: a statistical.
Speaker 6: Tie right now that feels like victory already.
Speaker 7: The prospect of her candidacy has injected enthusiasm and energy.
Speaker 8: She's received a tsunami of grassroots support and cash.
Speaker 9: She's raised staggering two hundred million dollars since President Biden
Speaker 9: dropped out.
Speaker 2: It's a zoom world record.
Speaker 3: More than one hundred thousand white women mobilized for Vice
Speaker 3: President Kamala Harris.
Speaker 2: One hundred thousand white women. That is a giant group
Speaker 2: white women. I believe the scientific term is actually a
Speaker 2: group of women.
Speaker 1: That is called a group of women.
Speaker 10: Two hundred million dollars they've raised a united enthusiastic Democratic Party,
Speaker 10: a huge reversal in one week and they said it
Speaker 10: couldn't be done.
Speaker 2: Joe Biden is going to be the nominee.
Speaker 11: This fantasy stuff, this is good for TV, but Biden's
Speaker 11: not going anywhere.
Speaker 8: This is not an Aaron Sorkin West Wing episode here,
Speaker 8: this is real life.
Speaker 4: Joe Biden is a nominee, and he will be our nominee.
Speaker 1: We literally have three choices as Democrats.
Speaker 5: Either you vote for Donald Trump, you vote for Joe Biden,
Speaker 5: or you stay on the couch.
Speaker 2: I think we know which one of those options. JDV
Speaker 2: answer out even I don't feel good about that job.
Speaker 4: What do I know?
Speaker 1: A simple pink pony grandpa? Okay, I means John by quickly.
Speaker 1: That's a.
Speaker 2: Farley, A reference to being a Chapel Roone fan, which
Speaker 2: I totally am.
Speaker 1: Now, somebody in the audience there'd never people come out, but.
Speaker 4: Listen, man.
Speaker 1: The pundits all said it couldn't.
Speaker 2: Happen, but it did happen, and the Republicans are not
Speaker 2: very happy about it.
Speaker 1: They just steamrolled democracy.
Speaker 11: The Democrats are trying to hijack democracy.
Speaker 1: The ultimate election interferenced.
Speaker 12: This was a coup inside the Democratic Party.
Speaker 1: A coup de talk, a bloodless coup.
Speaker 12: But I get it.
Speaker 2: If I thought I had this thing in the bag
Speaker 2: and you were gonna be going up against old Joe
Speaker 2: Biden and then they pulled this, I'd.
Speaker 1: Be like rough wrap over your eyes. How can you
Speaker 1: not say they're cooing? They're cooing.
Speaker 2: And by the way, I love that guy's disappointment in
Speaker 2: the phrase bloodless coup.
Speaker 1: This is a This is a bloodless coup. What kind
Speaker 1: of fun is that?
Speaker 2: At least we brought bare spray and nunchucks. But you
Speaker 2: know what, I do understand that they're upset.
Speaker 1: It makes sense. So how about we do this out
Speaker 1: of fairness. I'm a fair person. You can replace your
Speaker 1: old guy too. That's coffee even Steven.
Speaker 2: By the way, speaking of your old guy, he responded
Speaker 2: to the change to Harris in the Trumpiest way possible.
Speaker 5: Donald Trump posted this on his true social account quote,
Speaker 5: So we are forced to spend time and money on
Speaker 5: fighting crooked Joe Biden. Now we have to start all
Speaker 5: over again. Couldn't the Republican Party be reimbursed for whole.
Speaker 4: Do you have any idea.
Speaker 1: How much money?
Speaker 2: And let's go brandon your bandages.
Speaker 4: That Spence.
Speaker 2: Made in America via Bang of the dsh my Trump
Speaker 2: is too Jerry Lewis, Well, what's done is done. You're
Speaker 2: going to have to shift gears, recalibrate. You've had Cookie
Speaker 2: Joe and Sleepy Joe on speed dial. You're going to
Speaker 2: need a new line of attack.
Speaker 1: Cho's are like Jewish people join the club.
Speaker 2: We're getting crushed out, Aaron, right now, I'm not even
Speaker 2: sure how much like ourselves. It's not like the old
Speaker 2: Seinfeld days when we were riding high. You know, don't don't, don't,
Speaker 2: don't do You can get a pagel in Iowa.
Speaker 1: Yeah, give me a shweer in ames Iowa. Bom boom,
Speaker 1: boom boom.
Speaker 2: Of course that attack may ring hollow, seeing as Kamala
Speaker 2: Harris's husband is let me check my notes, jeeish do
Speaker 2: anything else that could denigrate all of Kamala Harris's accomplishments
Speaker 2: by suggesting it's merely the power of the Jezebel.
Speaker 7: It is relevant when a young candidate tries to sleep
Speaker 7: her way into politics and into power, and that is
Speaker 7: what it appears Kamala Harris did.
Speaker 1: She never earned or won anything.
Speaker 9: She was legitimately handed her original posts in California state
Speaker 9: government because she was sleeping with Willie Brown, and then
Speaker 9: he backed her in her race for San Francisco.
Speaker 2: Da okay, squeaks, listen, I don't know, guys, you're being
Speaker 2: awfully subtle here. Isn't there a grosser way you can
Speaker 2: say that.
Speaker 5: Kamela Harrish's the original hawk toua girl.
Speaker 1: That's the way she got where she is. That's what
Speaker 1: I'm talking about.
Speaker 2: That's the kind of substantive and elevated take from a
Speaker 2: guy who looks like he's won Mike's heart lemonade away
Speaker 2: from getting in a fight at his sister's wedding. You
Speaker 2: you little little tough to hair, and you're not fooling anybody.
Speaker 2: Baldy so Sex is saying, Kamala Harris slept her way
Speaker 2: to the top.
Speaker 1: Joe Biden and Donald.
Speaker 4: Trump literally slept her way to the top, and we
Speaker 4: never heard of it. Think about it?
Speaker 2: Does anybody have a substantive critique.
Speaker 3: Her record is extraordinarily radical.
Speaker 9: Let me say at the outset, Kamala can't have my guns,
Speaker 9: she can't have my gasoline engine, and she's sure as
Speaker 9: hell can't have my steaks and cheeseburgers.
Speaker 1: Sir, I don't want to be rude, but.
Speaker 2: It does appear that you could at least share some
Speaker 2: of your cheeseburgers.
Speaker 1: Looks like you'll still be okay, Is that right? Tubs?
Speaker 2: Good to see you have mutton chops in case you
Speaker 2: get hungry. But is Harris really that radical?
Speaker 9: If you combine Bernie Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren, you
Speaker 9: get Kamala Harris.
Speaker 2: If you combind Bernice Sanders Elizabebourne, you get Kamala Harris.
Speaker 2: I can't be you know what, there is an app
Speaker 2: that actually does that community.
Speaker 4: Leo bad Gars.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, it's me Obata Gars. I love that guy.
Speaker 1: He's the best. Come on guys.
Speaker 2: Nobody believes Kamala Harris is the second coming of Karl Marx.
Speaker 2: And even when they get substantive policy critiques, they undercut
Speaker 2: them immediately.
Speaker 3: Even when she was in California, she was very soft
Speaker 3: on crime, the same Kamala Harris who as a California
Speaker 3: prosecutor and attorney general put people in prison to use
Speaker 3: them as cheap labor.
Speaker 4: She's too soft on crime. She's too tough on crime. People.
Speaker 1: We opened it three months.
Speaker 4: You're flailing dig deep.
Speaker 1: That's one final thing that nobody talks about. She's hated
Speaker 1: by people who work for it. Oh my god, are
Speaker 1: you kidding me?
Speaker 12: Everybody that worked for Kamala quit a very aggressive, angry,
Speaker 12: bullying boss.
Speaker 1: She's not a nice person to work with. She's a
Speaker 1: terrible boss. Your candidate's Donald Trump.
Speaker 2: His catchphrase is literally you sid He's the Anna Wintour
Speaker 2: of authoritarian wannabes. Donald Trump hired forty four cabinet members.
Speaker 2: Seventy five percent of them want nothing to do with
Speaker 2: the guy.
Speaker 1: His secretary of State called him a fighting moron.
Speaker 2: His chief of staff said he's the most flawed person
Speaker 2: I've ever met. You know why he needs a new
Speaker 2: vice president, a running mate.
Speaker 4: I'll tell you what he tried to get the last
Speaker 4: one killed.
Speaker 1: No, terrible, They're failing.
Speaker 2: You know what, if you want something done, do yourself, Donald,
Speaker 2: You're gonna have to hit Kamala with one of your
Speaker 2: magic nicknames.
Speaker 9: Laughing, Kamala Laffi anapasta laughing.
Speaker 4: So now we have a new.
Speaker 9: Victim to defeat Lion Kamala Harris, Lion l Yi an apostle.
Speaker 1: Okay, you know what I hate to say. It? Can
Speaker 1: I be?
Speaker 2: You tried, you gave you your best. I kind of
Speaker 2: think you're gonna have to go back to your classics.
Speaker 2: It's worked for you in the past. It's your comfort zone.
Speaker 2: I think you're gonna have to play the hits.
Speaker 4: I think she was a DEI hired she.
Speaker 3: Was a DEI.
Speaker 1: She would be the queen of DEI if she relected.
Speaker 1: She is the EI. I think that this whole d
Speaker 1: E and I token higher. Kamala Harris has already been exposed.
Speaker 1: This woman, this disaster.
Speaker 5: Who's only qualification She was having a vagina and the
Speaker 5: right skin color.
Speaker 1: So I guess she's black? Or is she?
Speaker 13: She's not African American.
Speaker 1: Her mother's from India, her father's from Jamaica.
Speaker 2: She grew up in Canada, and she married a white
Speaker 2: Jewish guy, so she has no common experiences with Black Americans.
Speaker 1: She's not one of you. She's not even married to
Speaker 1: one of you. She's also about as black as Rachel Dozel.
Speaker 1: This is how desperate they are. Is she black?
Speaker 4: Is she Indian? Nobody knows two.
Speaker 1: Races in one person. Now I've seen everything I had.
Speaker 1: She sent her to NA to twenty three and me,
Speaker 1: and it broke the compuda. I don't know what to do?
Speaker 1: Unas gratious.
Speaker 2: These people ever saw a pizza hat slash taco bell,
Speaker 2: They'd lose their frecking minds?
Speaker 1: What is this a di restaurant?
Speaker 2: For more on the Republican response to Kamala Harris, we
Speaker 2: go live from Washington, DC with senior political correspondent Josh Johnson.
Speaker 1: Josh, thank you for much.
Speaker 2: Up. Josh, You've been bound in DC. Everything is flying around.
Speaker 2: What is the latest, Josh?
Speaker 13: This is a tough one for them, John, Kamala Harris
Speaker 13: is a confusing candidate for Republicans. They feel she's too
Speaker 13: young to be president but too old to be a woman.
Speaker 13: But they do have some very promising areas of attack.
Speaker 13: She's too short, She's bad at video games, all of
Speaker 13: them all right, Grand Theft Auto, Mario Kart, Mario Party,
Speaker 13: Super Mario Party, Mario Party, Superstars, Grand Theft Mario Party.
Speaker 1: Oh and she.
Speaker 13: Laughs funny, you know, the laugh of a drunk girl
Speaker 13: who lost her person then realized she actually was wearing
Speaker 13: her purse the whole time.
Speaker 1: America hates that kind of laugh.
Speaker 4: It's not that funny.
Speaker 2: Stacy, where do you think the attacks are going to land?
Speaker 4: Well?
Speaker 13: As you mentioned, earlier. I really think the winner is
Speaker 13: going to be she's blind. Okay, sorry for yelling. That's
Speaker 13: how it was said to me.
Speaker 1: Just yelled, she's black.
Speaker 13: No, no, they have all kinds of attacks. Ready, all right,
Speaker 13: I'm seeing black black, black woman. I got this one
Speaker 13: American African, which sounds scary when.
Speaker 1: You flip it like that. Ye see, that's the tough one.
Speaker 13: Oh oh, they were looking at me when they said
Speaker 13: this one like you, but lady also got some more
Speaker 13: black black and he blacks urban doesn't crack at least
Speaker 13: they know. Oh, I can't even say this one. Oh,
Speaker 13: my lord from Kenya. I think that one is left
Speaker 13: over from the last time someone was you know, black,
Speaker 13: you said it, not me.
Speaker 1: So black.
Speaker 4: On every page, it's most of the words it's tough.
Speaker 2: Yeah, black to you, John, Thanks John, John Johnson, everybody.
Speaker 11: That's just kick things off with Donald Trump. He was
Speaker 11: doing really well with black voters when he was running
Speaker 11: against Joe Biden, probably because black people don't work with ghosts.
Speaker 11: But Kamala Harris is now stealing back some of Trump's
Speaker 11: black support. So today Trump sacked down with an interview
Speaker 11: with the National Association of Black Journalists and things got
Speaker 11: off to a rocky stock.
Speaker 8: A lot of people did not think it was appropriate
Speaker 8: for you to be here today. You have pushed false
Speaker 8: claims about some of your rivals, from Nicki Haley to
Speaker 8: former President Barack Obama, saying that they were not born
Speaker 8: in the United States, which is not true. You have
Speaker 8: told four congressmen women of color who were American citizens
Speaker 8: to go back to where they came from. You have
Speaker 8: used words like animal and rabbit to describe black district attorneys.
Speaker 8: You've had dinner with a white supremacists at your Maraologua resort.
Speaker 8: So my question, sir, why should black voters trust you
Speaker 8: after you have used language.
Speaker 1: Like that question?
Speaker 11: But hey, at least this is a good chance for
Speaker 11: former President Trump to address the concerns of black voters
Speaker 11: by answering with civility and grace.
Speaker 9: Well, first of all, I don't think I've ever been
Speaker 9: asked a question so in such a horrible manner. A
Speaker 9: first question, you don't even say, hello, how are you
Speaker 9: are you with ABC? Because I think they're a fake
Speaker 9: news network, a terrible network.
Speaker 11: Okay, okay, not a great start talking to a room
Speaker 11: for a black journalists, But you can still recover.
Speaker 9: I think it's a very rude introduction. I don't know
Speaker 9: exactly why you would do something like that. You invited
Speaker 9: me under false pretense, and then you are half an
Speaker 9: hour la. Just so we understand, I have too much
Speaker 9: respect for you to be late.
Speaker 1: I think it's a very nasty question. Why I have
Speaker 1: answered the question.
Speaker 9: I have been the best president for the black population
Speaker 9: since Abraham Lincoln.
Speaker 1: That is better than President Johnson. He's I'm abo right
Speaker 1: back to.
Speaker 9: You to start off a question and answer period, especially
Speaker 9: when you're thirty five minutes late because you couldn't get
Speaker 9: your equipment to work in such a hostile manner, I
Speaker 9: think it's a disgrace.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 11: Trump was like, listen up, black people, you always late.
Speaker 11: Your microphone's a ghetto. And I'm Abraham Lincoln. I mean,
Speaker 11: I think he just won the black vote. For most
Speaker 11: politicians anyone else on earth, that would have been a
Speaker 11: low point of the interview, But because it's Donald Trump,
Speaker 11: it's somehow God.
Speaker 8: Was Do you believe that Vice President Kamala Harris is
Speaker 8: only on the ticket because she is a black woman?
Speaker 1: Well, I can say no. I think it's maybe a
Speaker 1: little bit different.
Speaker 9: So I've known her a long time, indirectly, not directly
Speaker 9: very much, and she was always of Indian heritage and
Speaker 9: she was only promoting Indian heritage.
Speaker 1: I didn't know she was.
Speaker 9: Black until a number of years ago when she happened
Speaker 9: to turn black, and now she wants to be known
Speaker 9: as black.
Speaker 4: So I don't know is she Indian or is she black?
Speaker 4: She is always I don't know a black.
Speaker 9: I respect college, I respect either one, but she obviously
Speaker 9: doesn't because she was Indian all the way and then
Speaker 9: all of a sudden she made a turn and she
Speaker 9: went she became a black just to be I think
Speaker 9: somebody should look into that too, when you ask a
Speaker 9: continue in a very hostile, nasty town.
Speaker 11: I don't know what it was that he thinks she
Speaker 11: turned from Indian to black, or that he thinks someone.
Speaker 1: Should look into that. Who should look into that?
Speaker 9: Like?
Speaker 11: Does he think the FBI is the Federal Black Investigators?
Speaker 11: I don't think she turned from Indian to black. Okay,
Speaker 11: she's Indian and black. Like what does he think happens
Speaker 11: when the time is right Indians going to a cocoon
Speaker 11: and they play some drake and they come up black.
Speaker 11: It's very clear that Trump doesn't quite know how to
Speaker 11: handle Kamala Harris. Right now he's trying to find the
Speaker 11: angle of attack. And today he was hitting her race.
Speaker 11: Yesterday he was hitting her age.
Speaker 9: She is younger, but I mean she's sixty years old.
Speaker 1: A lot of people I didn't do it she was sixty.
Speaker 1: I thought she was only younger, but she's sixty.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 11: I guess Trump just discovered that black don't crack. I
Speaker 11: mean this is gonna be a first time he does
Speaker 11: birthism as a compliment, like show us your bus certifica
Speaker 11: because you don't look a.
Speaker 1: Day over fifty.
Speaker 11: Okay, so just drop the skincare routine.
Speaker 2: Girl.
Speaker 11: I bet Trump spend the rest of the day just
Speaker 11: googling how old other black people are, like Morgan Freeman
Speaker 11: two hundred years old question mark. To be fair, Trump
Speaker 11: does have some substantive criticisms of Kamala, but he can't
Speaker 11: seem to say them without making it gross and personal,
Speaker 11: like when he was asked about how she would do
Speaker 11: in negotiations with foreign leaders, how would.
Speaker 1: They consider a Harris presidency? That's just in jail.
Speaker 9: I think they'll walk all over I think so look
Speaker 9: at her. I think they'll walk all over. She'll be
Speaker 9: so easy for them. She'll be like a playtoy. Look
Speaker 9: at her, and they say, we can't believe we got
Speaker 9: so lucky. They're gonna walk all over. And I don't
Speaker 9: want to say as to why, but a lot of
Speaker 9: people understand it.
Speaker 11: He's like, I don't want to say why she should
Speaker 11: be a bad president.
Speaker 1: You know that he and the who had the Fellas
Speaker 1: get it.
Speaker 11: I'm pretty sure Kamala can handle world leaders, Okay. I
Speaker 11: mean she did just overthrow the president of the United States.
Speaker 11: And also nobody was easier to manipulate than Donald Trump.
Speaker 11: Like foreign leaders just had to roll out the red
Speaker 11: coppet and Trump treated them like a best friend. I
Speaker 11: mean Saudi Arabia bone sawed and American journalists and Trump
Speaker 11: was fine with it because they let him touch an orb.
Speaker 11: I mean, I'm pretty sure now this is getting to
Speaker 11: Kamala right now. She's on top of the world because
Speaker 11: she's enjoying life as the Democrat's new messiah.
Speaker 7: Atlanta turned up and turned out for Vice President Harris
Speaker 7: and a rap star came with a new slogan for
Speaker 7: campaign merch Megan the Stallion and others made this the
Speaker 7: largest crowd of Harris's young campaign. More than ten thousand
Speaker 7: people filled a downtown arena.
Speaker 1: Well, Donald, as.
Speaker 4: The saying goes, if you've got something to.
Speaker 7: Say, Thousands waited hours to see Harris speak. Does she
Speaker 7: make it easier for Democrats to win Georgia in November?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 11: Yeah, well so excited and we don't have to vote
Speaker 11: for Joe Biden anymore? You know, I do feel bad
Speaker 11: for Biden, Like everyone's going crazy for Kamala and he's
Speaker 11: at home with COVID going who is Kamala?
Speaker 1: And I've never seen so.
Speaker 11: Much joyful statistical tie. This is like when people cheer
Speaker 11: after the plane lands it's supposed to land. Okay, that's
Speaker 11: a bad minimum. For more on the enthusiasm or on
Speaker 11: the vice president Harris. We go live to one for
Speaker 11: rallies in Houston with Michael Costa.
Speaker 1: Thank you, right, go Michael. What's the feeling down there?
Speaker 1: It's electric?
Speaker 12: Ronnie. I haven't seen Democrats this excited since they came
Speaker 12: out with that fifth COVID booster.
Speaker 11: Okay, wow, they do something pumped all but the can
Speaker 11: the Democrats build on this momentum?
Speaker 12: They definitely can, Ronnie, And there's only one way to
Speaker 12: do it. Kamala Harris has to drop out.
Speaker 1: Wait what we need?
Speaker 11: She has to drop out? Why everyone's enthusiastic about her?
Speaker 12: Yeah, well, the excitement's not about her. It's about the newness.
Speaker 12: You know when that new kid comes to your school
Speaker 12: and everyone's like, Oh, what's his deal?
Speaker 1: He's not actually cool, he's just new.
Speaker 12: He's just another loser whose dad happened to get a
Speaker 12: job near your school. So quit fawning about I'm Becky Solivan.
Speaker 1: Look, the point is this newness goes away, as will.
Speaker 12: This enthusiasm for Kamala. It's not gonna be Meghan the
Speaker 12: Stallion at her next rally. It's gonna be Katy Perry
Speaker 12: and not teenage dream Katy Perry Evie. It's gonna be
Speaker 12: her new album, the one that the gays won't even
Speaker 12: listen to.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 11: OK, If Kamala steps away, who will replace her?
Speaker 1: Who cares?
Speaker 12: The new nominee doesn't matter, because the Democrats should replace
Speaker 12: them too. Every week a new candidate, new excitement. Republicans
Speaker 12: won't be able to keep up. Oh you think Gavin
Speaker 12: Newsom is unfit to be president?
Speaker 1: Who cares? Bits We're with Pete Budhajeedge.
Speaker 11: Now, okay, I mean I do like Pete Budajet.
Speaker 12: Well, too bad he's out because now the candidate is Twisters.
Speaker 11: Wait the movie, you'll like the actual Tornado.
Speaker 12: It doesn't matter because now it's Gretchen Wimmer.
Speaker 1: Okay, when does this end?
Speaker 11: Okay, who's actually gonna beat a nominee on election Day?
Speaker 12: Well, after Whitmer and Shapiro and Tom Hanks and that
Speaker 12: Pamela Horse guy, they're finally going to reach the last
Speaker 12: possible nominee, Joseph Robinette Biden.
Speaker 11: Wait, Biden again, That's why this holding started.
Speaker 12: Exactly, and as soon as he takes the oath of office,
Speaker 12: he resigns in favor of his VP, Kamala Harris in
Speaker 12: the excitement loop begins again.
Speaker 1: Ronnie Wow, how very buddhist? Michael cost?
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