Speaker 1: The new year is coming, make sure that it's new you,
Speaker 1: because every year that's what people say, new year knew me.
Speaker 2: I'm just trying to get into these listening letters y'all
Speaker 2: to see how y'all end in the year out, see
Speaker 2: what all of the shenanigans have been happening, so we
Speaker 2: can indeed go into the new year fresh dead ass. Hey,
Speaker 2: I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured, and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 3: You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
Speaker 2: Boys and reading each other publicly as a.
Speaker 4: Form of therapy.
Speaker 3: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 4: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 3: Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open
Speaker 3: dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 4: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 5: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 5: is a term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 5: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
Speaker 5: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 3: We about to say pillows off to our whole new level.
Speaker 4: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: Karaoke time, all right, because the stories are gonna come
Speaker 1: from y'all absolutely. So this karaoke song is dedicated to
Speaker 1: number three. That's what we have so many kids now,
Speaker 1: we just to give them numbers.
Speaker 4: Number Where's one and three? Where's and four?
Speaker 1: Caswell song boy, Him and him and Kay get in
Speaker 1: the car. The first thing out here is Daddy, Daddy,
Speaker 1: can we play?
Speaker 4: I like the way your body is? Is it so obvious?
Speaker 4: And klaneus I don't even know the worst.
Speaker 3: They don't know. They just being a call. And Kaz
Speaker 3: knows the word.
Speaker 4: He does the words.
Speaker 3: Kaz and Cairo know the way they be back their
Speaker 3: mouth of the words, And.
Speaker 2: Every time I attempt to sing you, they're like, Mom,
Speaker 2: that's not the song. So at this point I refuse
Speaker 2: to learn the words because it's just a running joke
Speaker 2: that we have.
Speaker 4: But you know what, one day I won't learn it.
Speaker 2: I want to actually listen to that song in the
Speaker 2: vein of us trying to stay on trend with our children.
Speaker 1: You're gonna blow their minds if you sing all the words,
Speaker 1: They're gonna be like, yeah, mom.
Speaker 2: I'm trying to be that mom. So I'm actually going
Speaker 2: to make it a point to try to actually learn
Speaker 2: the lyrics at least for like the beginning and maybe
Speaker 2: like the first chorus or whatever.
Speaker 3: I think you should and I think you should do
Speaker 3: TikTok videos with.
Speaker 1: Them, matter of fact, matter of fact, going into because
Speaker 1: you're forty one now, right, you're forty one now, so
Speaker 1: going into the new year, you gotta go back back
Speaker 1: in time, okay, to bond with your boys in a
Speaker 1: different way, because think about it. I agree, I bond
Speaker 1: with them in sports all the time. I take them
Speaker 1: to practice, we do our stuff. You need to have
Speaker 1: something with them, right, and we already talked about like
Speaker 1: this is something else, sydebar.
Speaker 3: It's not nothing to do with listening letters.
Speaker 1: But Kadeen and I like, yo, we did const require
Speaker 1: our parents danced with us, Like we learned rhythm with
Speaker 1: and through our parents. Yes, and we were just like, yo,
Speaker 1: we don't dance enough with our kids, and our kids
Speaker 1: aren't in a choir. We got to teach them rhythm, Like, yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, you have to have rhythm. A Caribbean African
Speaker 1: American person.
Speaker 3: You gotta have.
Speaker 2: Your car will get revoked real quick. So okay, so
Speaker 2: that's it. Twenty five y'all. I'll be doing an attempting
Speaker 2: to do TikTok videos and dances with my son gonna
Speaker 2: be It's not like a resolution that's not gonna get kept.
Speaker 2: But at the very least, I'll make sure that we.
Speaker 4: Do more of that with the boy.
Speaker 3: I think you can do it.
Speaker 2: Listen, my Jamaican Caribbean Vincenia rooms can die with me,
Speaker 2: so they have to live on.
Speaker 4: All right, y'all, let's.
Speaker 2: Take a quick break and we're gonna get into this
Speaker 2: listener letter episode. I see devout scrolling and scrolling scrolling,
Speaker 2: man baby, y'all sends over some dissertations and it's all good.
Speaker 2: Cannot wait to dive in. We'll be back, all right, y'all.
Speaker 2: We got quite a few to get into today, but
Speaker 2: I guess we will. Actually, it's not a lot of them.
Speaker 2: They're just lengthy. They're lengthy. They're lengthy. But listen, we
Speaker 2: did ask that people give us context, and y'all have
Speaker 2: been delivering on the context. So let's just hope in
Speaker 2: one sided context. All right, all right, let's get to it.
Speaker 2: Dear kadenan in Deval, I'm a twenty nine year old
Speaker 2: Jamaican English big up Kadano Bop YEP chronically single woman.
Speaker 2: I'm terrified of commitment because I grew up watching my
Speaker 2: parents have to me what seemed like a very toxic
Speaker 2: and unhealthy relationship. My mother was very domesticated and did
Speaker 2: things around the house and served my father during the
Speaker 2: times that he actually was in the household. He worked
Speaker 2: out of the country to help provide for us. They've
Speaker 2: tried to make things more egalitarian over the years, as
Speaker 2: my father worked less and my mother subsequently started working more.
Speaker 2: Could tell Jamaica okay, very English, suspicious, absolutely, and she
Speaker 2: must say persons rather than people. I'm sure I love it.
Speaker 2: My mom was okay, I got to that part. Sorry
Speaker 2: you made me lose my spot? Okay, all good. They
Speaker 2: have tried to make things more okay, we said that
Speaker 2: part already to My mom overworks herself, and my father
Speaker 2: can't seem can't seem to see or understand that the
Speaker 2: things he does or better yet, the things he doesn't
Speaker 2: do contributes to this as well. Often he feels comfortable
Speaker 2: leaning on my mom in ways that I feel a
Speaker 2: woman should lean on a man, not the other way around.
Speaker 2: I never used to be big on gender roles, but
Speaker 2: as I've started to heal my own hyper masculine tendencies.
Speaker 2: I started to lean more into my femininity and it
Speaker 2: has become a lot more important and desirable for me
Speaker 2: to have a partner to do life with. I have
Speaker 2: two older brothers who cannot be there for me or
Speaker 2: be safe people in my life due to their own
Speaker 2: issues and trauma. This has contributed to me having unhealthy
Speaker 2: ideas about men in general as well. My question is
Speaker 2: what can I practically do to be proactive in my
Speaker 2: romantic relationships whenever I do get into one, so that
Speaker 2: I don't recreate the same dynamic that my mother and
Speaker 2: father had. I have come to accept that I'll probably
Speaker 2: be very domestic, sorry, very domesticated, and my logic is
Speaker 2: that I would feel comfortable being that way for a
Speaker 2: man who provided for me. Indeed, how understood. However, I
Speaker 2: know that financial abuse was an issue between my mother
Speaker 2: and father, which caused my mom to overwork herself into sickness.
Speaker 2: I have no problem getting to the bag, but I
Speaker 2: do want I don't want it to be the most
Speaker 2: important thing in my life anymore as it has been
Speaker 2: for the past fifteen or so years of my life.
Speaker 2: I've already overworked myself to the point of burnout, and
Speaker 2: I don't want to end up stuck in a relationship
Speaker 2: where I feel that I have to continue doing that
Speaker 2: for any reason. My dad worries about being used by
Speaker 2: women due to his own mommy issues, and you know,
Speaker 2: they say we often end up attracting someone very similar
Speaker 2: to our fathers. This frightens me, and I feel like
Speaker 2: my logic could be faulty considering I'm so close to
Speaker 2: the situation, but I don't know how to how else
Speaker 2: to view things. I would love to see where perspectives
Speaker 2: I might be missing. I worry about being used and
Speaker 2: taken advantage of by men as well in regards to
Speaker 2: my needs, going unseen and or disregarded while being in
Speaker 2: a relationship, which has led me to avoid committing altogether.
Speaker 2: Is there anything that I could be aware of during
Speaker 2: the process of picking a partner and or also actually
Speaker 2: while in the relationship to help reduce the likelihood of
Speaker 2: recreating this cycle? And I want to overlook how a
Speaker 2: man might feel in a relationship with me due to
Speaker 2: these old wounds, for example, him feeling used. But I
Speaker 2: also feel most loved and secure when I'm provided for
Speaker 2: financially and materialistically. I love how y'all give advice from
Speaker 2: a solidified relationship perspective, considering both sides. I like how
Speaker 2: Dval discusses how he would feel as a man, and
Speaker 2: then also how he would consider Kadeen as his partner
Speaker 2: and vice versa with Kadeen as well. I often default
Speaker 2: to just automatically assuming people are incompatible and should while
Speaker 2: conflict when conflicts arise. Based on watching my parents grow up,
Speaker 2: I recognize this probably isn't the best thing to DeVault to,
Speaker 2: and I would love to experience a mindset shift.
Speaker 4: Please help.
Speaker 2: All right, thank you so much for this twenty nine
Speaker 2: year old woman. She gave us a very well written
Speaker 2: statement about how she feels. I think she was able
Speaker 2: to really encompass that in this breakdown that she gave here.
Speaker 2: So I think, like many of us, how we approach
Speaker 2: relationships and how we approach wanting to be with someone
Speaker 2: or what we're looking for when we start the dating process,
Speaker 2: a lot of it has to do with how we
Speaker 2: were raised, the things that we witnessed as kids growing
Speaker 2: up and devalent. I think I've spoken honestly about that
Speaker 2: over the course of Dead Ass podcasts, where it was
Speaker 2: season fifteen now, so we've spoken candidly about how we
Speaker 2: felt like our upbringing or just experiencing and being around
Speaker 2: our parents and their relationships as either positively or negatively
Speaker 2: impacted how we've shown up in our relationships, and a
Speaker 2: lot of times we've had to pretty much change, like
Speaker 2: complete one eight from what we've experienced growing up because
Speaker 2: we didn't want to end up there.
Speaker 1: But I think that she's done the work first to realize, yes,
Speaker 1: I know why I am the way I am, I
Speaker 1: know my fears, I know what I want and what
Speaker 1: I don't want.
Speaker 4: That's the biggest thing first, So that's a great thing.
Speaker 1: The next part is using discernment and saying, Okay, if
Speaker 1: I know the type of lifestyle I want to live,
Speaker 1: I have to create the best version of myself to
Speaker 1: present to someone. But then I also have to pick
Speaker 1: the right person to present the version of myself that
Speaker 1: I want to pick. And hopefully, once I've created the
Speaker 1: best version of myself and I've chosen the right person,
Speaker 1: them two can create whatever life they want to create
Speaker 1: for each other. The reason why I say that is
Speaker 1: because she says she doesn't want to deal with financial abuse,
Speaker 1: which means she doesn't want a man that's always going
Speaker 1: to say to her, well, I make all the money,
Speaker 1: you have to do what I'm telling you to do.
Speaker 1: But she also doesn't want to have to work and
Speaker 1: bust her ass all the time, right, So she's looking
Speaker 1: for a partner.
Speaker 3: Looking for a partner, yeah.
Speaker 1: Which means that all starts with discernment, which means that
Speaker 1: if you want to get to know your partner, get
Speaker 1: to know your partner and their parents, because that's the
Speaker 1: best way for you to understand how that person is
Speaker 1: going to show up for you in life. It's not
Speaker 1: only watching their parents interact, but how do they interact
Speaker 1: with their parents. Because for example, you could see your
Speaker 1: partner's parents interact and say, oh, that's a red flag.
Speaker 1: I would never want he or she to interact with
Speaker 1: me like that. But then when you realize like, oh,
Speaker 1: they're speaking to their parents about how toxic this could be,
Speaker 1: or they're saying to you like, yeah, I want to
Speaker 1: make sure that we have enough communication in our relationship
Speaker 1: that we don't replicate that behavior, then you realize that
Speaker 1: that person is being deliberate about being different than what
Speaker 1: they saw growing up.
Speaker 3: So it's just real learning. If your partner learning their family.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we've been through that de Valini, because you know,
Speaker 2: being together at the tender ages of eighteen nineteen years old,
Speaker 2: you know, having to aside from grow as individuals. We
Speaker 2: really had to realize how as individuals we were impacted by,
Speaker 2: of course the way we were raised and having our
Speaker 2: parents as examples. So many times the val I have
Speaker 2: said to each other, we can't end up like our parents.
Speaker 2: And either sets of parents for whatever reason, we would
Speaker 2: see various behaviors or the way one parent treated the
Speaker 2: other or why they did and though it was never
Speaker 2: our business to get involved or try to change who
Speaker 2: they were, we just realized after experiencing that and seeing
Speaker 2: how it could have been a detriment to them their relationship,
Speaker 2: or even just us as children, not wanting to replicate
Speaker 2: that with our kids. So just being super mindful. So
Speaker 2: what I love about what you said here is that
Speaker 2: you're very mindful of everything that your parents have kind
Speaker 2: of lived and that was your lived experience. I think
Speaker 2: you need to go into these relationships with a very
Speaker 2: open mind about who you are attracting, who you are
Speaker 2: trying to, as the Vow said, like who you're pretty
Speaker 2: much casting your net to see who you're attracting that way,
Speaker 2: when that person comes along, having these open conversations like
Speaker 2: you did here and just kind of laying it out like, Hey,
Speaker 2: this is my family background, this is what I've been
Speaker 2: exposed to, These are the issues that I've had with
Speaker 2: my parents, this is what I've seen, this is what
Speaker 2: my brothers you are dealing with. And with that you
Speaker 2: can then have those open conversations with whoever you decide
Speaker 2: to date, hoping that they can then open up to
Speaker 2: you about their lived experiences too.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: But the truth is you only will attract the type
Speaker 1: of people that you The energy you put out will
Speaker 1: attract those type of people if you're deliberate and.
Speaker 3: You're being open and honest.
Speaker 1: When someone that comes across from you is not delivering
Speaker 1: the same thing, but they look the way you want
Speaker 1: them to look, don't ignore all of that. And to me,
Speaker 1: that's the issue I've learned mean people physically, because people.
Speaker 3: Will say, well, this is what I want in a relationship.
Speaker 1: They meet someone who physically is like, man, I really
Speaker 1: like this person, so they try to fit all of
Speaker 1: those person's red flags into that person, like I can
Speaker 1: fix these things. No, if you're functioning at a high rate,
Speaker 1: and you have certain things you want in your life,
Speaker 1: and you sit across from somebody talk about those things early.
Speaker 1: If those persons don't fit, then let them move on.
Speaker 1: There's no reason to try to let's see. Let's see, no,
Speaker 1: have the conversations early. And we spoke to a young
Speaker 1: person recently who was getting into the dating scene and
Speaker 1: they were just like, I don't want to scare people
Speaker 1: off with what I require. I said, no, you do
Speaker 1: want to scare people off because if you tell them
Speaker 1: what you require and they run, that means that person
Speaker 1: wasn't there for you anyway. That person was there for
Speaker 1: their own agenda. You tell them what you require, and
Speaker 1: they said, oh, I can get with that. This is
Speaker 1: somebody you want to build with. But just remember you
Speaker 1: have to do the same thing because the same way
Speaker 1: you require things, she made meet a high functioning man
Speaker 1: that requires a lot the same way she requires a lot,
Speaker 1: and you have.
Speaker 3: To be willing to give the same way you want
Speaker 3: him to give.
Speaker 2: So I wonder what it is about dating nowadays, because
Speaker 2: you know, neither you or I have been on the
Speaker 2: dating scene in forever, but there's this apprehension to authentically
Speaker 2: up itself. It's almost like feeling like you have to
Speaker 2: keep something to yourself right, so that all of yourself
Speaker 2: is not exposed in the very beginning. Whereas I'm imagining
Speaker 2: so and you're not going to even write in and
Speaker 2: say if I'm wrong, But wouldn't you want to kind
Speaker 2: of lay everything out on the table for the sake
Speaker 2: of just time, like after a date or two, like
Speaker 2: if I've laid everything out and you have realized that
Speaker 2: they're just not anything, like, it's just not going to work.
Speaker 1: People go into dates wanting to be liked, and they
Speaker 1: want to be liked by the person that they like.
Speaker 1: So a lot of times it's like, Man, I like
Speaker 1: that woman right there, I like her, what does she like?
Speaker 1: Let me try to be whatever version of that that
Speaker 1: she likes so that I can be with that person.
Speaker 2: So is it is a given that people like my
Speaker 2: talking Instagram page first like let me see what this
Speaker 2: person is into? Yes, and then using that as a
Speaker 2: way to like spart conversation or show similar interests that
Speaker 2: may not be there.
Speaker 1: That literally happens. I speak to my boys about it
Speaker 1: all the time. They do it, and they openly admit
Speaker 1: that they know women that do it. They say they'll
Speaker 1: they'll see someone online if it is the first thing,
Speaker 1: especially we didn't have this dating experience. But they meet somebody,
Speaker 1: whether it's out. The first thing to do is go
Speaker 1: to Instagram, Twitter page to see what they can learn
Speaker 1: about them.
Speaker 3: Once they figure out what they learn and stuff, they
Speaker 3: then try.
Speaker 1: To manipulate to be like, oh, we have the same interests.
Speaker 4: You don't have the interest so how long is that
Speaker 4: going to last?
Speaker 3: And they don't last?
Speaker 4: Don't last? You see what I'm saying, event fade? Yes,
Speaker 4: for sure, for sure.
Speaker 3: Well hopefully we helped you out, mama.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm trying to skim through to see if there
Speaker 4: was anything else that I missed.
Speaker 2: But I think you did a really great job of dissecting,
Speaker 2: like your parents, your your brothers, what you required. I
Speaker 2: feel like you almost like laid everything out here to
Speaker 2: answer everything. I don't think you missed much, to be honest,
Speaker 2: I think it was one of our questions, I did
Speaker 2: I miss anything here?
Speaker 1: I think you this is the work that's necessary to
Speaker 1: do in order to get into a relationship. The hard
Speaker 1: part is here is not saying hey, listen, so and
Speaker 1: so sitting across the table, I'm looking to be in
Speaker 1: a long term relationship. I'm not looking for casual sex.
Speaker 1: I'm interested in these things which may scare somebody off.
Speaker 1: And if it scares that person off, like we said,
Speaker 1: let them run, you will sit across from somebody who
Speaker 1: will say, oh, I'm interested in the same things. Actually,
Speaker 1: that's someone you deal with, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: That's someone that you start to build with. If you
Speaker 1: coming in there with a facade or trying to just
Speaker 1: make that person like you, You're gonna struggle in a
Speaker 1: dating scene.
Speaker 4: Absolutely, all right, SI's good luck to you, all right,
Speaker 4: number two? You want to go for the number two?
Speaker 1: Waguan mnim Ib. When she started with the Waguan, I
Speaker 1: knew what it was. I'll be thirty on seven to eleven,
Speaker 1: always open. I was born and raised in Jamaica. My
Speaker 1: family moved to New York North Long Island, Uniondale, ten
Speaker 1: minutes from Hofstra Bullet bullet Yeah, yeah, fifteen years ago,
Speaker 1: and that was a by the time we was there.
Speaker 3: Good morning.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: All this to say how much I can relate to
Speaker 1: K and Kay and makes your stories feel even more relatable.
Speaker 1: I was first drawn to you guys from the Tim's
Speaker 1: family picture on Facebook and then again with the Balcony
Speaker 1: Lingerie picture on Insta. Being a Christian Jamaica and sometimes Adventists,
Speaker 1: it's refreshing to see a marriage that is fun in
Speaker 1: the open, you know, so uptight then secret.
Speaker 3: Yes, we understand that.
Speaker 1: I started listening to the podcast rigorously, oh religiously in
Speaker 1: twenty nineteen when I was trying to date intentionally for
Speaker 1: marriage reluctantly. Now that I am married, I have a
Speaker 1: two year old. This podcast is literally my therapy sessions.
Speaker 1: It's ours too. Not sure if it's postpartum or just
Speaker 1: unlocking some of the struggles traumas, but each episode literally
Speaker 1: had me crying until the next episode for two years.
Speaker 1: Now that sounds like postpartum, but hopefully we're gonna have
Speaker 1: you crying too much. I am reluctant to listen because
Speaker 1: my husband isn't interested in podcasts and social media personalities.
Speaker 1: I don't blame him, and I feel I am growing
Speaker 1: maturing faster in our marriage, thus making it really hard
Speaker 1: to effectively implement most of what I am learning. And
Speaker 1: most of all, I am reluctant to listen because this
Speaker 1: podcast has, has and continues to open my eyes to
Speaker 1: how things unknowingly influence my behavior. I am truly unlocking
Speaker 1: so many traumas I didn't even know it existed. That
Speaker 1: is the truth. The therapy will do that. I think
Speaker 1: I might need real therapy at this point.
Speaker 3: And you go.
Speaker 1: I started writing this letter in the midst of your
Speaker 1: Just Like Your Mama episode.
Speaker 3: Oh.
Speaker 1: I think most Jamaicans are defensive, but this episode really
Speaker 1: made me understood, made me understand my own defensiveness. The
Speaker 1: Valle explaining his understanding of why MEMI is defensive. I
Speaker 1: can go on and on about the various episodes and
Speaker 1: how they've they've helped, especially the sex ones that I
Speaker 1: mentioned that I am Christian Jamaican. You guys hear it
Speaker 1: all the time, but I'll say it again while crying
Speaker 1: on my job and writing.
Speaker 3: This letter, that this podcast is truly a blessing.
Speaker 1: I pray that God will continue to provide you guys
Speaker 1: with strength, time, inspirations and topics that will continue to
Speaker 1: start the healing process for your listeners.
Speaker 3: Thank you, thank you, thank you, Love you guys.
Speaker 1: PS. Terrible please sneak this in. Oh trible, Why she's
Speaker 1: spelled trible?
Speaker 3: Terrible?
Speaker 4: Oh it was probably an order correct.
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you, love you guys, Trible, please sneak
Speaker 1: this in. I hope it warms.
Speaker 2: There definitely, Thanky, No, we appreciate that, and I love
Speaker 2: how Triple always sneaks in these love letters to us
Speaker 2: in listener letters.
Speaker 3: I do have some things though.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I noticed a couple of things here, and I
Speaker 4: just want.
Speaker 1: Her to understand that majority of our listeners start off
Speaker 1: as women who want their partners to listen, and they
Speaker 1: don't listen. So don't have give grace to your husband
Speaker 1: because most men that I know don't listen to podcasts,
Speaker 1: especially relationship podcasts. They listen to sports podcasts, or they
Speaker 1: watch things that blow up, you know what I'm saying
Speaker 1: Like that, that's just that's how we're wired. You know,
Speaker 1: it's a proven fact. It's a scientific fact that when
Speaker 1: lost women will ask for directions, men won't. Listening to
Speaker 1: a relationship podcast is the equivalent, very similar asking for directions.
Speaker 1: Men feel like we can figure things out. And I'm
Speaker 1: not speaking for all men. I hate speaking in general generalities,
Speaker 1: but it's the truth. Men feel like we can figure
Speaker 1: things out, and asking for advice or getting for advice,
Speaker 1: especially from another man can make even the strongest man
Speaker 1: at times feels insecure.
Speaker 4: Undermind you under my wife. Now to them, right, what
Speaker 4: is he saying?
Speaker 2: And you've gotten people who are just like damn like
Speaker 2: men who and be like, damn, man, you're making it
Speaker 2: hard for me.
Speaker 4: My wife, you.
Speaker 2: Know, talks about how great you are as a husband,
Speaker 2: and then it's just like damn, like that's never the
Speaker 2: intention is for anyone to feel bad.
Speaker 3: I say, be better, but it just like, don't come,
Speaker 3: no real, don't don't.
Speaker 1: Don't come at me on the airport when I'm tired,
Speaker 1: first of all, and be like, man, why are you
Speaker 1: saying and doing to that nice stuff for your wife?
Speaker 3: Now you're making it bad for me. Listen to what
Speaker 3: you just said about yourself.
Speaker 1: Stop doing nice stuff for your wife because it's making
Speaker 1: me look bad.
Speaker 3: Be better. And I say that and they laugh.
Speaker 1: And we laugh together because it's always jokes and they're like, damn,
Speaker 1: you're funny in person, not funding, but.
Speaker 4: I'm serious, but serious.
Speaker 1: I'd be serious like as much as as I will say.
Speaker 1: Women need to be accountable. Men need to be accountable
Speaker 1: for being better. And this is a perfect example. When
Speaker 1: we did the podcast with nice and neat podcasts. Those
Speaker 1: gentlemen all said to me that they felt like they
Speaker 1: needed to be better and they noticed that I was
Speaker 1: always on the journey to always be better, so it
Speaker 1: made them feel okay.
Speaker 2: And you were open to When I said, hey, Deval,
Speaker 2: this is young dudes that have a podcast. They seemed
Speaker 2: like they're talking about some stuff reminds me of you.
Speaker 2: You know, similar background, so maybe you should give a listen.
Speaker 4: And you are open to.
Speaker 1: And I listened to that podcast right because to me,
Speaker 1: you're never too good or too perfect to be better.
Speaker 1: That's why I said, I'll say to them, be better.
Speaker 1: When you told me that you listened to them, I
Speaker 1: was like, okay, what about them was better? And this
Speaker 1: is where you can tell when someone has matured. I'm
Speaker 1: going to pat myself on the back when it comes
Speaker 1: to maturity. K first showed me the podcast, not because
Speaker 1: everything they're saying was mature, but because Duke had a
Speaker 1: wild physic.
Speaker 2: Remember, and then I found Duke's and I was like, ohhot.
Speaker 2: I was like, you know when you feel like you
Speaker 2: know somebody on social media?
Speaker 4: I was like, body baby, So it's like that.
Speaker 1: And to be honest, she did point out Duke because
Speaker 1: she was looking at Chanel. One thing Kadeen and I
Speaker 1: don't do. We don't get keep when we see someone
Speaker 1: else that we like, dang their physik, their physique or
Speaker 1: their mindset.
Speaker 3: Is like out of this world, right.
Speaker 1: Kay showed me Chanel first, and it was like, have
Speaker 1: you seen Chanelle's husband, because I'm in this space now
Speaker 1: with television, well, fiance, I'm in this space now with
Speaker 1: television where I can't be super bulky because then I
Speaker 1: look like a football player. But I also don't want
Speaker 1: to be all skinny in Maga neither, because I want
Speaker 1: to be able to lift my wife up and body
Speaker 1: slammer in the.
Speaker 3: Bad you know.
Speaker 4: So you know what I'm saying. I need to feel
Speaker 4: body on me.
Speaker 3: That's her thing.
Speaker 1: When I get too skinny. She'd be like, so she
Speaker 1: showed me Chanel, but she did for me. She's like,
Speaker 1: look at Duke's physique. He's extremely lean, but he looks
Speaker 1: like he has enough size, about one hundred and ninety
Speaker 1: five pounds. So I was looking at their page and
Speaker 1: then he was. She was like, yo, listen to their podcast,
Speaker 1: like it's three of them. Then you told me about
Speaker 1: Omar and how Omar changed his eating habits and his
Speaker 1: diet to help his wife with Let me get this right,
Speaker 1: because I always say COPD because my grandfather passed away
Speaker 1: from COPD. So when I hear the O and the
Speaker 1: PID is always yeah, I get it.
Speaker 4: Which was a great episode.
Speaker 2: If you guys missed it this season, may have to
Speaker 2: go back and listen to it and the Guys podcast.
Speaker 1: To first of all, their their story about how he
Speaker 1: changed being an NFL athlete eating protein all the time
Speaker 1: but wanting to do that for his wife was an
Speaker 1: example to me about how I could also be better.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Like, yeah, I helped K
Speaker 1: with postpartum and we did everything you know pre natal.
Speaker 3: But I didn't know how to help her pass that.
Speaker 1: And then once she started taking the blood tests and
Speaker 1: doing all these changes, I was like, you know what,
Speaker 1: maybe I should make changes to help K.
Speaker 4: For both of us.
Speaker 3: And I've learned that from Omar.
Speaker 1: I've learned that from listening to Duke and Julyan, like gentlemen,
Speaker 1: don't be afraid to learn and listen. And if there's
Speaker 1: one thing about this listener letter that even though she
Speaker 1: didn't ask a question, give your husband grace and don't
Speaker 1: just give up on him if you don't want to
Speaker 1: listen now, maybe show him a clip here, show him
Speaker 1: a clip there, Show him.
Speaker 3: A clip that will help him.
Speaker 1: Right, you know what I'm saying, showing a clip where
Speaker 1: I might have said something that he agrees with, so
Speaker 1: that he doesn't feel like a podcast exactly.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, And that was going to say to her,
Speaker 2: it's all on the approach or even when you spark
Speaker 2: those conversations with your husband.
Speaker 4: I don't know what your communication style is life with him,
Speaker 4: but you.
Speaker 2: Know, asking maybe a question that can provoke conversation or
Speaker 2: some kind of thought first, and then that way you
Speaker 2: can then if there's something that you pulled from the
Speaker 2: Valori in a podcast episode, you can just kind of,
Speaker 2: you know, work that into the conversation somehow and not
Speaker 2: make it seem like, oh well, getting de val who
Speaker 2: are all knowing said it? But no, this kind of
Speaker 2: made sense and it kind of relates to where we
Speaker 2: are right now in this space.
Speaker 1: And I listened to podcasts right listen to other people,
Speaker 1: listen to the people. I listened to earn your leisure
Speaker 1: podcasts or learn about finances. I listened to the budget Nista.
Speaker 1: I know she's not a man, she's a woman, But
Speaker 1: this I'm willing to learn from anybody like That's that's
Speaker 1: the only way I know how to give you guys information,
Speaker 1: not because I sat here and created it. I listen,
Speaker 1: I read, I watched documentaries. I listened to Matt McConaughey's book.
Speaker 1: I listened to Will Smith's book. I listened to fifty
Speaker 1: Cents book. I've learned so many different things from different
Speaker 1: type of people in different walks of life. So hopefully
Speaker 1: you know this helps you your husband and hell jump
Speaker 1: in here and dass podcast.
Speaker 2: I love it, Thanks so much, Abby, And she also
Speaker 2: cracked me up with Christian Jamaican sometimes adventis.
Speaker 4: Yes, yeah, that's me. It's me, you know, having a
Speaker 4: very very adventist family, particularly on my mom's side.
Speaker 2: So all right, now, I think we should take a
Speaker 2: quick break. That was a two solid ones that we
Speaker 2: had so far. Yeah, we're gonna take a break paying
Speaker 2: bills and we're gonna get back into the rest of
Speaker 2: our listening letters.
Speaker 4: So stick around, y'all. We'll be back. All right, we're back.
Speaker 4: Number three. What's the word?
Speaker 2: Kadeen and Deval I just started listening to the podcast,
Speaker 2: and from January to Press, I have damn near watched
Speaker 2: the majority of the episode That's Dope. I was introduced
Speaker 2: to you guys when I bought the book, and just
Speaker 2: want to say I appreciate y'all's platform. I'm twenty four
Speaker 2: and my girlfriend is twenty three. We've been together for
Speaker 2: seven years since high school. Congra we are long distance.
Speaker 2: We were long distance for three years, or for three
Speaker 2: of those years they were long distance, and eventually reunited
Speaker 2: and bought a house together. I say that to say
Speaker 2: I feel like we found ourselves back with each other.
Speaker 2: I feel like we're fine, but we always find our
Speaker 2: ways back to each other, which is great. I know
Speaker 2: she loves me, but damn, I do not feel like
Speaker 2: I get the respect I deserve. Almost a year ago,
Speaker 2: I got into a shootout trying to protect her from
Speaker 2: an altercation, and I ended didn't we have a shootout
Speaker 2: in another like a couple of seasons ago. Man? See
Speaker 2: all right, So almost a year ago I got into
Speaker 2: a shootout trying to protect her from an altercation and
Speaker 2: I ended up getting shot six times and losing my
Speaker 2: car in the process.
Speaker 3: Many, Oh lord, there's for upon me.
Speaker 4: Blood and go ahead, mess thank God you're okay.
Speaker 1: Hey they okay. They may write in this letter that
Speaker 1: means they enjoy your life. One of my homies got
Speaker 1: shot recently this summer, and the first thing I did
Speaker 1: when I saw him, I said, you know you belong here, right?
Speaker 3: He said, I'm here? So I put them fists up.
Speaker 4: I said, many, man, sure, it's too soon, and they laughs.
Speaker 1: When you cheat death is the best time to make
Speaker 1: a joke. You belong here.
Speaker 4: Absolutely.
Speaker 1: If you got shot six times and you're still here,
Speaker 1: oh there's a reason why you're here.
Speaker 4: You're supposed to be here, and you better enjoy life.
Speaker 3: God for that shot.
Speaker 2: So the crazy part is I'm not from Houston where
Speaker 2: this happened, and I have no enemies. I'm from Chicago
Speaker 2: and I served in the army for four years.
Speaker 4: It's ironic. It's ironic you in.
Speaker 1: The army and then you come home and you're not
Speaker 1: even from home. You in Houston, beef and get shot.
Speaker 4: It's crazy.
Speaker 2: The war zones in our cities are more dangerous than overseas,
Speaker 2: but that's another topic. But knowing my girl, knowing my girl,
Speaker 2: I was in the middle of a shootout. I just
Speaker 2: went into protection mode. I woke up in the hospital
Speaker 2: seeing her with not a scratch on her. It made
Speaker 2: me very happy and relieved. I did not care how
Speaker 2: badly my body was damaged. I was only concerned about her.
Speaker 2: I know she loves me because she wouldn't leave my
Speaker 2: side in the hospital, even when my family offered to
Speaker 2: watch over me so she can catch a break and
Speaker 2: she refused. I always had respect for her, but seeing
Speaker 2: that side made me develop more. I don't feel like
Speaker 2: it's the same for her. When I speak my mind,
Speaker 2: I feel like it's met with her being reactive to
Speaker 2: what I say. I've attempted to change the way I
Speaker 2: speak to her several times with the same outcome. It
Speaker 2: feels like if I have an opinion, I'm automatically labeled
Speaker 2: as sensitive. She gets upset as if she feels like
Speaker 2: I'm trying to attack her attack her, and I truly
Speaker 2: don't understand there.
Speaker 3: I'm just bringing me back. I got PTSD.
Speaker 4: Like that on to this so we can give this
Speaker 4: brother some advice. Not gonna lie.
Speaker 2: It hurts because I feel like we both should be
Speaker 2: at the point with a mutual respect considering what we've
Speaker 2: been through. I kind of expect her to see how
Speaker 2: much I loved her after what happened, since it seemed
Speaker 2: that she didn't understand how much I cared about her.
Speaker 4: But it don't seem like she does. I hate arguing.
Speaker 4: I'm very logical.
Speaker 2: I don't like to hold on to stuff, especially going
Speaker 2: through that experience of almost losing my life without saying goodbye.
Speaker 2: I do not want to take it for granted. Deval
Speaker 2: As a man, what are your thoughts at this point?
Speaker 2: I just want to I want to just close off
Speaker 2: my opinion to her and just deal with it on
Speaker 2: my own.
Speaker 4: Kadeen, as.
Speaker 3: This is our demanded, Go ahead, finish, finish.
Speaker 2: Kadeen as a woman, what do you think any experience
Speaker 2: with being reactive or defensive and how it changed the value?
Speaker 4: Got whiplash?
Speaker 2: You definitely just got whiplash. I just appreciate y'all, and
Speaker 2: please don't stop spreading the word.
Speaker 4: Y'all's wisdom and love to the world.
Speaker 1: Go ahead, no no no no no no no no
Speaker 1: no no. Okay, I'll go first since you insist, so
Speaker 1: my man, first of all, go ahead, Thank you for
Speaker 1: your service.
Speaker 3: Okay.
Speaker 1: We have liberties and freedoms here in America because people
Speaker 1: like yourself choose to go overseas and protect us appreciate you.
Speaker 1: Got to say that first and foremost, because anybody in
Speaker 1: the Arms Service always has my utmost respectolutely. Secondly, do
Speaker 1: not give up on your girl. Okay, Kadeen and I
Speaker 1: have been together for twenty two years. Okay, twenty two years.
Speaker 1: She didn't realize what I felt and how I felt
Speaker 1: until about three years ago. So for nineteen years, am
Speaker 1: I lying? I'm a lying right now? For nineteen years,
Speaker 1: I've been explaining to her, like yo, I feel like
Speaker 1: I can't have an opinion because the minute I have
Speaker 1: an opinion, you start crying. You get defensive. What am
Speaker 1: I supposed to do? I even went through the whole
Speaker 1: I'm just not gonna say nothing. I'm gonna deal with
Speaker 1: it on my own. That don't help.
Speaker 4: Literally have ever bade him.
Speaker 2: So that's why he's reacting the way he's acted to
Speaker 2: what you wrote, because he's like, I'm just gonna deal
Speaker 2: with it on my own, and that's accurate.
Speaker 3: And I've tried to deal it on my own.
Speaker 1: You know what happens when you try to deal it
Speaker 1: on your own, you get pissed because you like, now
Speaker 1: it seems like you don't even care, right, I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm trying to deal with this. It's something we have
Speaker 1: to go through in our relationship, and you want me
Speaker 1: to deal with it on my own.
Speaker 3: You don't care? And she used to say to me, devout,
Speaker 3: I do care.
Speaker 1: I really And I used to tell her this too,
Speaker 1: I really feel like I love you more than you
Speaker 1: love me. And she used to be like, wow, how
Speaker 1: would you say that? I say, because I'm not allowed
Speaker 1: to have an opinion. I'm not allowed to tell you
Speaker 1: how I feel because I'm automatically seeing as sensitive or
Speaker 1: called bitching. But then when I don't talk, then it's
Speaker 1: you shut down, sir. Listen to me, bro. They've been together,
Speaker 1: how long?
Speaker 3: It says? Uh?
Speaker 4: Seven years? Three long distance choo this high school?
Speaker 3: Yeah you twenty four. Y'all are in the.
Speaker 1: Infant stages of life, the infant stages.
Speaker 4: Yeah, they started dating.
Speaker 3: Y'all didn't even know each other. Y'all still don't know
Speaker 3: each other, y'all twenty four and twenty three, y'all.
Speaker 4: Won't know each other for another decade at least.
Speaker 1: And the reason why I'm saying it like this is
Speaker 1: because I don't want you to give up one each
Speaker 1: other because things are not happening now in the early twenties.
Speaker 1: It's gonna happen, bro, because, like you said, that woman
Speaker 1: didn't want to leave your side when you got shot
Speaker 1: six times, which means her love for you is different
Speaker 1: than what you think it is.
Speaker 3: Right. We all have love languages. Right.
Speaker 1: How you represent your love to her through protection was
Speaker 1: your way of representing it. How she shows her love
Speaker 1: for you is protection, but it's in a different way.
Speaker 1: She said, I don't care if your family say I'm
Speaker 1: staying with you. Y'all have something for each other that's
Speaker 1: hard to find, and that's mental fortitude to be there
Speaker 1: for each other. Continue with that through your twenties and
Speaker 1: your thirties, and I guarantee you y'all will find a
Speaker 1: way to.
Speaker 3: Make it work.
Speaker 1: Please, don't give up. Everything you're going through is absolutely normal.
Speaker 1: She's a young woman, you're a young man. Yeah, it's normal.
Speaker 2: Trust me, and we tendally with emotion a lot of
Speaker 2: the time, Bro, I completely understand where you're coming from.
Speaker 2: It literally feels like this is Kadeen. Yeah, this is
Speaker 2: Deval and Kadeen. Like Davel said, maybe even five years ago. Yes,
Speaker 2: that would have said the same exact thing. It may
Speaker 2: be worth it for you to have the conversation with
Speaker 2: her or even to observe her family dynamic, because I
Speaker 2: recently said to de Val because he asked me, He's like,
Speaker 2: what changed so drastically was you in the past, like
Speaker 2: two three years? Like it feels like now you're allowing
Speaker 2: me the space to say how I feel without getting
Speaker 2: defensive or reactive or feeling the need to give an excuse.
Speaker 3: Can I jump in real quick?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: I think it's important that I jump in and say
Speaker 1: this because when she first started doing that, I thought
Speaker 1: she was being passive aggressive. Well, I thought she was
Speaker 1: just ignoring me because she was finally just listening, not arguing,
Speaker 1: but then applying it. Yes, so when she does start
Speaker 1: to listen, don't take it back as if she's just
Speaker 1: doing it. And I want to make that very clear
Speaker 1: because that happened to a couple of my friends. They
Speaker 1: said after speaking to their wives out of know where,
Speaker 1: she just started changing the behavior, and it was just like,
Speaker 1: I don't know if she's being condescending or she's trying.
Speaker 3: To prove a point.
Speaker 4: I said, said that to me sometimes yeah.
Speaker 3: And I said, or maybe she's listening.
Speaker 2: Right, trying to be an active listener, trying to be
Speaker 2: act listener and not listening to respond. And that's that's
Speaker 2: eventually what had to happen with me. So Deval and
Speaker 2: I recently, he was like, what changed in you that,
Speaker 2: like all of a sudden it clicked, Like I've been
Speaker 2: saying the same thing to you for years and we've
Speaker 2: been trying to work through this, And I said, I
Speaker 2: finally addressed within myself and acknowledged my upbringing my mom
Speaker 2: for example, with this desire to be perfect that was
Speaker 2: then passed down to me. We've spoken on previous episodes
Speaker 2: about my mom and her upbringing. So I realized that
Speaker 2: taking accountability in situations was not my forte. Like I
Speaker 2: rather deflect in devoused words, get defensive and indefensive. To me,
Speaker 2: that was just me explaining my point or telling you
Speaker 2: how I arrived at my particular decision. That was what
Speaker 2: I needed to do. That was my defense mechanism because
Speaker 2: I was now deemed not perfect, or I've done something wrong,
Speaker 2: or I've done something to upset him. So that's why
Speaker 2: defensiveness was always my go to because I had a
Speaker 2: hard time accepting accountability once I was able to say, damn,
Speaker 2: this is my life partner, This is the person who
Speaker 2: I want to openly express how I feel too, and
Speaker 2: vice versa. When we live in a world, in a
Speaker 2: society where black men in particular are silenced or not
Speaker 2: encouraged to say how they feel. I wanted to create
Speaker 2: a space where my husband felt that sense of peace
Speaker 2: and that wanting and the desire to unleash how he felt.
Speaker 4: So how am I going to make that environment comfortable
Speaker 4: for him?
Speaker 2: If I'm not actively listening, if I'm only listening to respond,
Speaker 2: if I'm getting defensive, if I'm crying and making it
Speaker 2: about me like I've really had to control my emotions
Speaker 2: in those circumstances to the point where sometimes I could
Speaker 2: feel myself starting to bubble over.
Speaker 4: Just excuse myself from the room.
Speaker 3: Where you're going, Where you're going, I'm going to.
Speaker 4: Just run a bathroom. Just run in a bathroom, and
Speaker 4: I would go to the bathroom.
Speaker 2: I'll let out whatever I had to let out, because
Speaker 2: I didn't want the focus, which naturally tended to shift
Speaker 2: in most circumstances, from deval going to be concerned about
Speaker 2: something he feels to then now saying damn, okay, are
Speaker 2: you okay? I never wanted it to be a deflection,
Speaker 2: so I had to really work on controlling my emotions
Speaker 2: and really just sitting back and listening and trying to
Speaker 2: understand his perspective. And then we may not agree, but
Speaker 2: at least he felt heard, he felt seen, he felt loved.
Speaker 4: At the end of it, well, I gained a greater
Speaker 4: understanding for how you felt.
Speaker 1: Legitimately, it wasn't only that I wanted you to agree.
Speaker 1: I just wanted you to understand where I was coming from.
Speaker 2: But I feel like that's what I was expecting too
Speaker 2: from you, Like I'm going to explain to you why
Speaker 2: I did this or how I arrived here, because I
Speaker 2: want you to genuinely understand that it wasn't in malice.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I understand that.
Speaker 1: But if I'm coming to you because I am having
Speaker 1: an issue, when you immediately go to well, you need
Speaker 1: to understand where I'm coming from, It's like, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: I'm coming to you with a issue. Will he had
Speaker 1: that second, But it has to be about what you
Speaker 1: want first, that's.
Speaker 4: What me and I never or how that make you feel.
Speaker 3: But then also and I want him to be clear.
Speaker 1: Once you did start to change and listen, and I'll
Speaker 1: be telling you how I feel, and you wouldn't you
Speaker 1: be stoic at times and I'd be like, do you
Speaker 1: even care? And you like, I do care, but you
Speaker 1: used to say that I cut you off all the
Speaker 1: time you said that, I would try to get defensive.
Speaker 3: So I'm trying to listen.
Speaker 1: And it took me a couple months to be like, like, yo,
Speaker 1: she actually is trying to implement the things we worked on.
Speaker 1: And at first I wasn't accepting of it. I thought
Speaker 1: that you were being not what's the word not not condescending,
Speaker 1: like dismissive, being dismissive, but also like like, okay, you
Speaker 1: wan me to listen, I'm listening by patronizing me, I
Speaker 1: thought you were patronizing me, which and I want them
Speaker 1: to understand that once she starts, don't automatically assume that
Speaker 1: that she's patronizing you, because then that becomes another issue,
Speaker 1: because that became an issue for us for a couple months.
Speaker 1: And I was like, you don't even care. Look, you're
Speaker 1: just sitting there, and she's like, devalu, you don't want
Speaker 1: me to cry? You don't want me to tell you how,
Speaker 1: I said, no, I want you to at least say
Speaker 1: that you understand where I'm coming from.
Speaker 4: Right, And then I felt like it wasn't enough to
Speaker 4: just be like I'm gonna listen.
Speaker 2: Yeah, baby, I understand. And then he would say to me,
Speaker 2: you don't understand. You just pacifying me right now. You
Speaker 2: justcerned to end the conversation, and I'm like, right, no,
Speaker 2: You've been craving and asking for me to listen to you,
Speaker 2: and I'm genuinely trying to listen to you.
Speaker 4: And yes, had a moment where I clicked because I'm like,
Speaker 4: I can't.
Speaker 2: Continue for another twenty two years doing the same thing
Speaker 2: that we've been doing. And a lot of it, I
Speaker 2: think was, like I said, growth on my part, y'all,
Speaker 2: I'll being tired of talking about the same shit over
Speaker 2: and over over again.
Speaker 1: Part he wasn't only one that had to grow. We
Speaker 1: both had to grow because I had to learn how
Speaker 1: to accept it. I was asking for it, yes, and
Speaker 1: then when you first tried to get it to me,
Speaker 1: I didn't know how to accept it.
Speaker 2: So it's and then me working on myself and looking
Speaker 2: internally and saying, why do I have a hard time
Speaker 2: like conducting myself in the manner that needs to be,
Speaker 2: you know, conducive to this relationship working, where I can
Speaker 2: listen to my spouse and then consider how he feels
Speaker 2: and then not take that as an attack because I
Speaker 2: val said too, I can compliment you Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursdays,
Speaker 2: something may not go as planned, and I SAYK, hey,
Speaker 2: you know X y Z happened and it didn't make
Speaker 2: me feel good, and then that doesn't negate the fact
Speaker 2: that you did well all week, And I had to
Speaker 2: also take that in and say, you know what, You're right, like,
Speaker 2: you're entitled to have a moment where you're not agreeing
Speaker 2: with something that I've done because it's happened to me too.
Speaker 2: Where I can let you know how I feeling. You've
Speaker 2: made me feel safe to say that. So good luck
Speaker 2: to you, bro. You and your girlfriend been together all
Speaker 2: this time, got a house together.
Speaker 3: Yeah, only twenty three and twenty four.
Speaker 1: We've had moments of enlightenment through our relationship, which means
Speaker 1: now at forty, we're starting to understand things because we
Speaker 1: had to go through it for twenty two years. You're
Speaker 1: only twenty three and twenty four. We've been in a
Speaker 1: relationship as long as you've been alive. Like, think about it.
Speaker 1: It takes experience in try error. It's just like any
Speaker 1: scientific notion.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 1: Einstein didn't just come up with these ideas and say
Speaker 1: I figured it out. No, he failed time and time
Speaker 1: and time again, and with each failure was a lesson
Speaker 1: that he learned and apply to finally figure it out.
Speaker 3: Ha, here's the light bulb. You know.
Speaker 1: What I'm saying is that aha moment comes over time
Speaker 1: trial and error. So don't be down on each other.
Speaker 1: Enjoy the process of trial and error. Love on each other.
Speaker 4: Yes, you know, because you were definitely here for reasons.
Speaker 3: Absolutely, Son, many men that they couldn't get it.
Speaker 4: Done being period period.
Speaker 1: All right, Well, I understand his perspective completely, but as
Speaker 1: an older just I hate saying that as an older
Speaker 1: that's as a seasoned, as a married gentleman. Now I
Speaker 1: don't look at that as daunting as I did when
Speaker 1: I was in my twenties, because in your twenties and
Speaker 1: even your early thirties, your fear is that this is
Speaker 1: going to be the rest of my life. And what
Speaker 1: I can assure people after going through this is that
Speaker 1: if you have a partner that rocks with you like
Speaker 1: K rocks with me the way I rock with her,
Speaker 1: nothing has to be your whole life if you're committed
Speaker 1: to working on it together.
Speaker 4: Agreed, you know. So yep that's I.
Speaker 3: Hope that helped a lot.
Speaker 4: All right, next month.
Speaker 3: Number four, Hi, Kadeen and Devo.
Speaker 1: I just want to say I love you guys so
Speaker 1: much and try to put everyone I come across on
Speaker 1: to y'all.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much. We appreciate you.
Speaker 4: I'spad.
Speaker 1: I've been listening to the Dead Ass podcast since the
Speaker 1: beginning with the capital b EGI n N I n G.
Speaker 1: I've watched you guys grow as individuals and come together
Speaker 1: and be stronger as a couple.
Speaker 3: Family.
Speaker 1: You guys are my oldest siblings in my head, so
Speaker 1: actually hearing what you both have to say is important
Speaker 1: to me. Okay, So I wanted to ask you both
Speaker 1: a question and see if you can help me see
Speaker 1: things from a different pov. I listened to the podcast
Speaker 1: season fourteen, episode seven Till Death Do What's Part. During
Speaker 1: the episode, y'all spoke on allowing your spouse as friends
Speaker 1: to the room for them to change and if you
Speaker 1: support them, then let them know. And if you are
Speaker 1: content with where you are, let them grow and evolve,
Speaker 1: but don't stand in the way. I'm a twenty six
Speaker 1: year old woman and have had experiences with both spouses
Speaker 1: and friends wanting to elevate and evolve with things in
Speaker 1: life and not stick to what we would usually do.
Speaker 1: Of Course, naturally, I questioned the change, not to stop them,
Speaker 1: but to see where it's coming from, see why they
Speaker 1: wanted to Each time, I've been supportive and understanding as
Speaker 1: well as open to learning what they are trying to do,
Speaker 1: so that we still have a connection in something. I
Speaker 1: also it also gives me a chance to see a
Speaker 1: different pov of the life that might change in me
Speaker 1: in a good way too. That's really, really, really good.
Speaker 1: Right now, I'm single, but I had two boyfriends my
Speaker 1: whole life, one for eight years, ages sixteen to twenty two,
Speaker 1: and another for three years, ages twenty three to twenty six.
Speaker 1: With both relationships, they wanted to change and evolve, and
Speaker 1: I encouraged to supported them with their changes. I wouldn't
Speaker 1: find out until later in both relationship that the change
Speaker 1: was to pique interest in another female. I had a
Speaker 1: friend of ten years, ages thirteen to twenty three, who
Speaker 1: decided to stop doing what all young people do at
Speaker 1: twenty two and give her life to the Lord. I
Speaker 1: respected her changes and was very open to learning what
Speaker 1: she was getting into and didn't do anything around her
Speaker 1: that I felt wasn't aligned with her now new life path.
Speaker 1: That's extremely supportive and shout out to you for that.
Speaker 1: She began pulling away. I didn't realize at first, and
Speaker 1: after a couple of months of ghosting me, she texted
Speaker 1: me that she can't be friends with me because I
Speaker 1: smoke and was having pre mariter relations with my then boyfriend.
Speaker 1: A year later, she ended up doing everything she used
Speaker 1: to engage in before her life changed and wanted to
Speaker 1: hang out, but I wasn't comfortable with being friends with
Speaker 1: her anymore. That's fair, I want to add. While each
Speaker 1: person wanted to evolve, I was also changing. I was
Speaker 1: not content being where I was either, and was doing
Speaker 1: what I needed to do to get there. Hallelujah. You
Speaker 1: should graduated high school, went to college for a year.
Speaker 1: I didn't like it, so I went to a trade school.
Speaker 1: I rocked with that to still be better in life,
Speaker 1: got my first car, worked as a dental assistant, then
Speaker 1: went to intersecurity because saliva was.
Speaker 3: Not my thing.
Speaker 1: Now I'm working as a really good, high paying job
Speaker 1: and contemplating being a cop once again.
Speaker 3: If you do that, thank you for your service. I
Speaker 3: have plenty of police officers in my family.
Speaker 1: Deval, you said to use discernment when it comes to
Speaker 1: giving people your time and being open to seeing a
Speaker 1: different POV from your spouse or friend.
Speaker 3: What am I doing wrong?
Speaker 1: I know I shouldn't question myself about what they're doing,
Speaker 1: But if I'm being supportive, understanding and open to them teaching,
Speaker 1: showing me about what their next want in life is,
Speaker 1: why do they leave me where I'm at? Am I
Speaker 1: not good enough for them to bring me along? I
Speaker 1: push everyone around me to be and do better in life,
Speaker 1: but all I get in return is being told I
Speaker 1: can't do this, I can't do that. Am I not
Speaker 1: using my discernment right?
Speaker 3: No? You're actually using your discernment perfectly.
Speaker 1: It just seems like I do so much and care
Speaker 1: so much for people who come into my life. How
Speaker 1: do I put myself in space with people who pour
Speaker 1: into me and not those who don't support me the
Speaker 1: way I support them?
Speaker 3: Girl? You are actually learning.
Speaker 1: You're learning these people removing themselvesly finished, thank you both
Speaker 1: for taking the time out to help me with this
Speaker 1: and that I can do and what I can do differently,
Speaker 1: I love y'all so much. And thank you to everyone
Speaker 1: behind the scenes who help put this all together. That's
Speaker 1: a shout out to Matt Josh.
Speaker 4: Yes, Oh my god.
Speaker 2: One particular portion of this, I felt like I was
Speaker 2: reading a part of my life from where I had
Speaker 2: a friend.
Speaker 3: I know, I know exactly when she said, I.
Speaker 2: Was like, yes, so I can totally relate to you
Speaker 2: here because I had a friend for years.
Speaker 4: We were in dance schools together when we were babies.
Speaker 2: We ended up you know, parting ways as babies, you know,
Speaker 2: as people do, and eventually later on in life reconnected
Speaker 2: through through mutual people, and it was just like, oh
Speaker 2: my god, I can't believe this is the same person.
Speaker 2: Our mom was like, oh my god, I can't believe.
Speaker 2: Like we literally had pictures in ballet recitals together at
Speaker 2: three and four years old, became really really great friends
Speaker 2: and all of that, super close I would say, best
Speaker 2: friend status, and then shortly after I had Cairo, little
Speaker 2: by little, she just started to kind of pull back. Yeah,
Speaker 2: the communication got less and all of that. And I
Speaker 2: knew that she was on a particular path with her
Speaker 2: religion and with the Lord, and I was like in
Speaker 2: full support of it, to the point where I said,
Speaker 2: if the things that we were doing before, which meant
Speaker 2: literally we were going out Thursday, Friday and Saturday night,
Speaker 2: you know, drinking, party, having fun, dancing, that's what kids do,
Speaker 2: That's what we do in our twenties or whatever. And
Speaker 2: I had said to her, like, listen, if you're not
Speaker 2: comfortable in those environments anymore and they don't align with
Speaker 2: whatever you have going on, I totally respect that. I said,
Speaker 2: it doesn't have to be that for me to be
Speaker 2: your friend. We can literally you can come to the house.
Speaker 2: We can order in, we.
Speaker 3: Can the house.
Speaker 4: I did it.
Speaker 3: She came by, I had a conversation, she.
Speaker 2: Had a conversation. Everything was cool. It seemed like she
Speaker 2: helped me watch the baby at the time. I took
Speaker 2: a nap. We maybe ordered in, she brought over, you know,
Speaker 2: some food, and everything I thought was okay. And then
Speaker 2: slowly but surely ghosted, ghosted, like completely ghosted. The text
Speaker 2: messages became that much fewer, very generic like, hey, hope
Speaker 2: all is well, praying for you kind of thing. And
Speaker 2: I had a long time where I was looking at
Speaker 2: it like, man, maybe there was something that I did wrong.
Speaker 2: And I took it personally because I felt like, damn,
Speaker 2: there had to have been something that happened that I missed.
Speaker 2: And for a long time I dealt with grieving that
Speaker 2: friendship because I felt like, damn, like without any kind
Speaker 2: of explanation, this person who was such an avid part
Speaker 2: of my life just completely disappeared on me until I
Speaker 2: found out through speaking to more family and friends of hers,
Speaker 2: that she's kind of pulled away from everyone.
Speaker 1: And that's the key there is that sometimes we say
Speaker 1: what's wrong with us, right, not realizing that that person
Speaker 1: is going through something and they pulled away from.
Speaker 2: Everybody, everyone altogether. And the inclination is to want to
Speaker 2: blame yourself. And you have to realize ultimately that some
Speaker 2: people are just there seasonally for you. Some people are
Speaker 2: not meant to be there for the entire course of
Speaker 2: your life. If you're fortunate to find a friend or
Speaker 2: a spouse even who can be there for that timeframe,
Speaker 2: then that's great. But you feeling like you need to
Speaker 2: find the discernment to or you're looking for the discernment
Speaker 2: to pick the right people to pour into you.
Speaker 4: I think that's necessary.
Speaker 3: This is the point.
Speaker 1: If people are removing themselves from your life for whatever reason,
Speaker 1: whether it could be you or it's them, that is
Speaker 1: what discernment is. Yes, they remove themselves, I let them go.
Speaker 1: Not using discernment, it's chasing them down and saying we
Speaker 1: are supposed to be together exactly. And then now you're
Speaker 1: trying to force something that wasn't necessarily supposed to be
Speaker 1: there anyway. Once again, you're in your twenties, you'll realize
Speaker 1: and I understand the twenties. For a lot of people,
Speaker 1: it's like I'm no longer a teenager. I'm making my
Speaker 1: own money. This young lady has definitely been I mean,
Speaker 1: she went to college for one year, decides she didn't
Speaker 1: want to do that, went to trade school, changed from
Speaker 1: dentistry to now doing security, looking to be a police officer.
Speaker 3: She's trying to find her out.
Speaker 1: To be honest, young lady, you shouldn't be so focused
Speaker 1: on everyone else. You should be focused on creating the
Speaker 1: best version of yourself and then using discernment to see
Speaker 1: who you want to share your life with, whether that's
Speaker 1: friends or a significant other. But you're doing everything the
Speaker 1: right way, and the truth is doing things the right
Speaker 1: way sometimes is very lonely.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 1: One of the things I learned from Tyler Perry, who
Speaker 1: I speak to probably once a month, he says, Devo,
Speaker 1: it's lonely when you're trying to find yourself.
Speaker 3: I said, what do you mean.
Speaker 1: He's just like, when you're constantly spending time trying to
Speaker 1: be the best version of yourself and you're surrounded by
Speaker 1: people who are constantly trying to be the best version
Speaker 1: of themselves, you don't have a lot of time to
Speaker 1: spend with each other. Yes, and it gets lonely and
Speaker 1: you feel like, am I doing things the right way
Speaker 1: because I'm only by myself? And then you start to realize, like,
Speaker 1: this is a process that happens in life. He just
Speaker 1: turned fifty five. You're twenty something years old, which to
Speaker 1: me tells me I'm never going to reach a point
Speaker 1: in my life where I'm settled. These are my friend groups,
Speaker 1: this is my wife. Everybody knows exactly who they are.
Speaker 1: We all move together in a Kumbaya moment. No, people
Speaker 1: are constantly evolving.
Speaker 4: And change, changing, constantly shifting, and.
Speaker 1: Yeah, don't and don't take it personal if someone leaves
Speaker 1: your life. When I read the four agreements, the don't
Speaker 1: take it personal part really changed my life because and
Speaker 1: I always give this example. You walking down the street.
Speaker 1: You see a young person coming down the street the
Speaker 1: other way. They look like they're in a bad mood.
Speaker 1: You say, man, everything all right? The fuck on my face?
Speaker 1: Why are you talking to me? Bitch A d da
Speaker 1: da dah. The first thing you're gonna say is what's
Speaker 1: wrong with me? What did I do to this person
Speaker 1: said those things to me? Little did you know that
Speaker 1: person found out that they determinedly ill and they don't
Speaker 1: have long on the planet. Everything that they said to
Speaker 1: you was a projection of what they were going through.
Speaker 1: It literally had nothing to do with you. With you,
Speaker 1: and it works both ways. You're walking down the street,
Speaker 1: a young person is there. You say, how you doing?
Speaker 1: They're like, man, you the most beautiful person I ever
Speaker 1: met in my life. Man, give you a hug. Say
Speaker 1: here's one hundred dollars. Now you think, and shit, I'm
Speaker 1: the shit. This person just gave one hundred dollars for
Speaker 1: no reason. Little did you know this person just found
Speaker 1: out that they hit the mega jackpot and it's not
Speaker 1: worth three hundred million dollars.
Speaker 4: Nothing can make you feel bad.
Speaker 1: Everything they're going through is a projecting of what they're
Speaker 1: going through.
Speaker 3: Have nothing to do with you. You ain't that handsome dude. Yeah,
Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying. Nobody's gonna give you money.
Speaker 4: Absolutely. That's the same thing with the comment section.
Speaker 2: People are projecting, projecting, projecting about their own circumstances.
Speaker 4: Yes, don't let that interfere with what you have going on.
Speaker 2: I think the best advice you gave, babe with this
Speaker 2: whole thing was you are twenty six and you were
Speaker 2: still trying to figure yourself out, figure yourself out, figure
Speaker 2: your life out. And once you were so sure of
Speaker 2: who you are, and as you continue to progress through life,
Speaker 2: the people who are meant to find you and be
Speaker 2: on this journey of life with you, Yes, will be there,
Speaker 2: whether it's for one season or for several facts. You
Speaker 2: just have to understand that.
Speaker 1: I agree with that. All right, let's take a quick break.
Speaker 1: This is the last break of the year before we
Speaker 1: come back.
Speaker 2: And I'm so excited.
Speaker 4: One or two I don't know what.
Speaker 2: All right, we'll see what time permits for all Right,
Speaker 2: we'll be back, y'all. Stick around. All right, we're back
Speaker 2: with our last two listener letters of the year. I
Speaker 2: can't believe this year just flew by. Twenty twenty four
Speaker 2: was so insanely It was a wonderful and year. Yeah,
Speaker 2: it was the year of forty. It was an incredible
Speaker 2: year for me at least. How do you feel, babe?
Speaker 1: I feel great, Kadeen and I have a lot going on.
Speaker 3: Yeah, this year we had so much going on.
Speaker 1: We weren't able to, you know, put as much into
Speaker 1: the podcast because we were traveling a lot. But going
Speaker 1: into twenty twenty five, yeah, we have some things we.
Speaker 4: Want to turn up on y'all.
Speaker 3: We're going to turn up on y'all.
Speaker 2: It's gonna be and not just podcasts, just like everything. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I feel like there's gonna be a lot of really
Speaker 2: great stuff coming out of your way twenty twenty five
Speaker 2: and thanks Got Twenty twenty four was a year of expansion, elevation,
Speaker 2: getting rid of things that we no longer serve, that
Speaker 2: longer served us, and moving into the space that we're
Speaker 2: meant to be.
Speaker 4: And so I'm excited or the.
Speaker 2: Top of Q one, y'all, So let's finish out with
Speaker 2: these last two before we send y'all on. Y'all way,
Speaker 2: all right, hey, family. In my head, I recently came
Speaker 2: to under came to an understanding of how deep your
Speaker 2: inspiration and guidance has pushed me to who I am today.
Speaker 2: In twenty thirteen, I left a narcissistic relationship in which
Speaker 2: I was in for nine years. I was so scared
Speaker 2: to leave because I was going to raise three children
Speaker 2: alone and was always told and I'm only a good
Speaker 2: mother because I have help. After hearing negative things for years,
Speaker 2: you start to believe it. Leaving with three children with
Speaker 2: no plan in a day was insane. I moved and
Speaker 2: settled down, but didn't realize how my mental health was
Speaker 2: about to destroy me. For the next couple of years,
Speaker 2: anything dealing with mental health, I was dealing with it.
Speaker 2: Social media was my addiction and I definitely it definitely
Speaker 2: helped with my depression. I was eating all unhealthy foods
Speaker 2: and looking for attention in the wrong places. In the
Speaker 2: midst of my unhealthy scrolling, I found laughter and joy
Speaker 2: in twenty seventeen when I started following you on ig
Speaker 2: When I tell you, I wasn't prepared for what God
Speaker 2: had in store for me in twenty nineteen when you
Speaker 2: guys started dada Ass podcasts. The many issues you discussed
Speaker 2: helped me in many departments of my life, my biggest
Speaker 2: being my mental health and motherhood. Your love for each
Speaker 2: other showed me that anything is possible when you manifest
Speaker 2: your life. I never even heard the word manifestation until
Speaker 2: I started listening to you. Now it's all I do,
Speaker 2: along with prayer. Yes, it same same, same SA and prayer.
Speaker 4: That's it.
Speaker 2: Since I started following you, I found my husband, who
Speaker 2: I married in April of this h I'm in school
Speaker 2: for my psychology degree because I want to help others
Speaker 2: break certain generational mindsets by becoming a life coach and
Speaker 2: inspirational speaker.
Speaker 3: Come on now, come on talk about it.
Speaker 2: I want to encourage self love and understanding. And I'm
Speaker 2: now in the works of starting my family podcast, which
Speaker 2: I already scheduled a session for with Triple.
Speaker 4: Come on, this is.
Speaker 1: All manifestation because Triple talked about helping people start.
Speaker 3: This is great.
Speaker 2: This is such a good one. Although I'm not a
Speaker 2: part of your team, you all are a part of mine.
Speaker 2: You've helped push my ideas into my reality with the
Speaker 2: saying of close your eyes and picture what you want.
Speaker 4: If you can see it, you are.
Speaker 3: Already have it. Let's go, let's go. That's the truth. Though.
Speaker 4: The last thing you closed out your first live dead
Speaker 4: Ass show or my first live dead Ass show with
Speaker 4: so I guess this is saying that people want the
Speaker 4: Dead Ass Live show is back.
Speaker 3: Oh Man.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 4: I don't know, but I love to hear that.
Speaker 2: That's something that resonates with people because it's something that
Speaker 2: develop and I do it the very and of every show.
Speaker 2: Not all superheroes wear capes. Please understand you help save
Speaker 2: my husband's wife and my children's mothers. Oh Man, the
Speaker 2: tears are about to fall.
Speaker 3: I know right, mind too, man.
Speaker 4: Thank you deeply from a healing woman. This is why
Speaker 4: we do it, you know.
Speaker 3: Here's the truth. Guys.
Speaker 1: Man, Sometimes because they and not feel like how long
Speaker 1: we going to keep doing that ass podcast?
Speaker 3: Yeah, because we've shared.
Speaker 1: Even though we evolve and we changed, we've shared so
Speaker 1: much of ourselves so far. We got we don't have
Speaker 1: a lot of time and we want to spend it
Speaker 1: with our kids. We have other things, we want to do.
Speaker 1: But when we hear how people resonate with what we're
Speaker 1: talking about really just makes me like, yeah, no, you're good.
Speaker 1: You know, like there's not a lot of positivity on
Speaker 1: social media because it's so easy to get clicks by
Speaker 1: being negative and just.
Speaker 2: Creating lies, right or pinning groups of people against each other,
Speaker 2: Like it's just so much of that, and this is
Speaker 2: really really nice to.
Speaker 3: It just be like, now we're not going to stop.
Speaker 2: And it's crazy because we have been having I guess
Speaker 2: we can let y'all know this because we family. We've
Speaker 2: been discussing now that pretty much our contract is at
Speaker 2: an end this year with iHeartRadio, and it's like, do
Speaker 2: you re up and try to do another contract in
Speaker 2: a couple more years in the podcast or do we
Speaker 2: just end it here? And I feel like when you
Speaker 2: pray for and you you pray for guidance and you
Speaker 2: pray for answers and you get them, I feel like
Speaker 2: this is literally God saying keep going, Like this is
Speaker 2: not the end of Dead Ass Podcast. It won't and
Speaker 2: it won't be, but it's great to hear these love
Speaker 2: letters from you guys that help us keep going. So
Speaker 2: and I'm just happy for her. Look at how her
Speaker 2: life has.
Speaker 1: Deeply from a healing woman like she a narcissist relationship.
Speaker 4: Where someone telling her that she wasn't.
Speaker 1: Nothing all that time for her to start believing it
Speaker 1: and then to just get out and there be like, no,
Speaker 1: I'm going to do stuff and now and she's about
Speaker 1: to change a.
Speaker 3: Bunch of people.
Speaker 2: And this is a testimony to letting people know this
Speaker 2: is eleven years in the making of her healing and
Speaker 2: figuring out how she's going to make it out. And
Speaker 2: she finds her husband, and she goes to school, and
Speaker 2: now she starts her own podcast. Like so many things
Speaker 2: can happen. So when people are looking for these microwave
Speaker 2: relationships or these overnight successes or these instant gratification moments,
Speaker 2: they don't exist, and if it does, it's probably not
Speaker 2: worth it.
Speaker 3: So she just makes me feel good to know that
Speaker 3: people feel good listening.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, like that's really that's really all I
Speaker 1: want When people ask why y'all share so much? I
Speaker 1: want somebody to be better, and don't want somebody to
Speaker 1: do better, live a better life, learn something so that
Speaker 1: they can create something that they never had.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, that's all. That's all Kneena and I
Speaker 3: ever wanted.
Speaker 4: It's that person by a person, just like little things.
Speaker 2: This helps me meet the world a better place and
Speaker 2: the human experience that much better.
Speaker 4: You, Elie, love you too, Man, love you too.
Speaker 1: All right, that's gonna lead us into our last listener
Speaker 1: letter of the year. All Right, I want to start
Speaker 1: by saying I love you guys and your family. We
Speaker 1: love you too. You have answered the question. You have
Speaker 1: answered the question I've had previously, and you gave amazing advice,
Speaker 1: so I figured I test my luck again. I do
Speaker 1: want to remain anonymous because my question is regarding something
Speaker 1: personal and sensitive, So here it goes. I am not
Speaker 1: satisfied with my sex like capital left capital. I have
Speaker 1: been married to my husband for two years, but we've
Speaker 1: been together for about seven. The sex has never been
Speaker 1: mind blowing, but it's been enough to sustain our relationship.
Speaker 3: He is easy to please.
Speaker 1: It's easy to get him aroused, and it's usually quick
Speaker 1: to get him to be completely satisfied, if you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. It takes a little more for me.
Speaker 1: I like to be aroused, mentally complimented, made to feel
Speaker 1: special or connected. I don't need much but intimate conversations,
Speaker 1: and I'm a but it's hard for my husband to
Speaker 1: understand that, understand what I mean because he is a
Speaker 1: straight to the point, physical type of god. It's hard
Speaker 1: for me to ask for what I want because I'm
Speaker 1: afraid he isn't capable of giving it to me and
Speaker 1: what would that mean for our marriage. There's also the
Speaker 1: issue of what he is packing is nowhere near what
Speaker 1: I'm used to from previous relationships. I try to stick
Speaker 1: to the motion in the ocean, but the side of
Speaker 1: the boat would help. Josh, stupid, don't you think? How
Speaker 1: do I tell my husband that what I require may
Speaker 1: be something he isn't capable of performing?
Speaker 3: Jeez?
Speaker 1: Sex is important, but it isn't everything. However, I would
Speaker 1: like to find ways for me to be satisfied as well.
Speaker 3: Help please.
Speaker 2: Oh, that's a tough one because one of those things
Speaker 2: you can't control, you know, like you can't You can
Speaker 2: probably have the conversation with what you require in terms
Speaker 2: of foreplay and stuff like that to get you aroused.
Speaker 2: So though you are afraid of him not being capable
Speaker 2: of giving you what you need, at least that's the
Speaker 2: easier conversation. I think to have and something that's fixable,
Speaker 2: whereas something like penis size that it's just it is
Speaker 2: what it is, right.
Speaker 1: But I do think that my first question would be
Speaker 1: if you knew that from the beginning, why go through
Speaker 1: with everything? If you knew you wasn't satisfied? That would
Speaker 1: be my first question.
Speaker 4: Sex isn't everything, but she thought what it is though.
Speaker 1: This is the thing people like to say. Sex isn't everything.
Speaker 1: But sex does cure and heal so many different things
Speaker 1: in a relationship. And I'm not just talking about orgasm.
Speaker 1: Intimacy comes. Oxytocin comes from that physical connection. She's not
Speaker 1: getting the oxytocin and the physical connection she can get
Speaker 1: she needs from sex, So it's probably affecting her and
Speaker 1: everything else in her life.
Speaker 4: Oh for sure.
Speaker 1: So sex is important. You know, sex was created for
Speaker 1: us to become close, for a reason. For us to
Speaker 1: try to make it seem like it's not that important
Speaker 1: is a lie. And that's why when men are complaining
Speaker 1: about sex and women say things like, well, sex isn't important,
Speaker 1: that's not true.
Speaker 2: Right, And here we have a woman who's saying that
Speaker 2: she's not satisfy, and.
Speaker 1: I don't think it's fair for her to even try
Speaker 1: to convince herself that says that she's not that no
Speaker 1: sex is important to everyone.
Speaker 3: It's important to everyone.
Speaker 1: What I will say is, since you can't change his equipment,
Speaker 1: you can try using toys and see if that helps.
Speaker 1: But what I will say is, if you want to
Speaker 1: spend the rest of your life with this man, you
Speaker 1: have to have these conversations with him up front, honestly,
Speaker 1: and he has to be willing to accept how you feel,
Speaker 1: and you have to be willing to accept how what
Speaker 1: you say may make him feel a.
Speaker 2: Way, right, I was about to say it might be
Speaker 2: an ego hit to him to feel like, oh, I'm
Speaker 2: not satisfying my wife, Like.
Speaker 3: What do you mean?
Speaker 2: And he may also be oblivious to it, you know,
Speaker 2: if you haven't had the conversation with him to let
Speaker 2: him know, like babe, I require a little bit more
Speaker 2: asking those investigative questions, maybe asking him babe, is there
Speaker 2: anything more that I can do for you to to
Speaker 2: kind of like loosen up the atmosphere? Deval And I've
Speaker 2: had these conversations over and over and over again, yes,
Speaker 2: about what can be needed, what's needed in that moment,
Speaker 2: what can try what's you know, a green light? What
Speaker 2: used to be a red light might be a yellow
Speaker 2: light now, you know, there's so many things that can
Speaker 2: come up in those kind of conversations. So yes, handling
Speaker 2: it and presenting it to him in a way that
Speaker 2: is delicate enough where he doesn't necessarily take the ego hit,
Speaker 2: but then wanting to be honest because you deserve to
Speaker 2: be honest to get the things that you want.
Speaker 3: I will say this too. He may be a little
Speaker 3: guilty of this. She said it here.
Speaker 4: What's that.
Speaker 1: I've been married to my husband for two years, but
Speaker 1: we've been together for seven. The sex has never been
Speaker 1: mind blowing, but it's been enough to sustain in our relationship.
Speaker 1: If it was enough before, it could be a little
Speaker 1: bit of complacency where he's like, well, I'm married now
Speaker 1: two years. All I got to do is just do
Speaker 1: this and we good.
Speaker 4: Very true.
Speaker 1: She should have the conversation like the complacency or whatever
Speaker 1: what's sustaining us is no longer here, Right, We're gonna
Speaker 1: have to do some things. And the truth is, in
Speaker 1: every relationship, when it comes to intimacy, there comes a
Speaker 1: point where that happens, and it's not something that ever
Speaker 1: stops like.
Speaker 2: Talk about fantasies and talk about the things that she
Speaker 2: would want to try, and you know, if it's not
Speaker 2: something that you can help, like involving other people with
Speaker 2: like toys, like de Vall said, those are things that
Speaker 2: we've used over the course of our marriage to be
Speaker 2: like a different that we could try that's a little different,
Speaker 2: that will also help.
Speaker 1: We want what if she you know, what if she
Speaker 1: dressed up like There's so many things you can do
Speaker 1: with intimacy to kind of spark something different. We talked
Speaker 1: in an earlier relations or earlier podcasts about casual sex. Yes,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. Let it be some casual sex.
Speaker 1: Maybe y'all go out on the date. You wear something
Speaker 1: super skimpy that he's never seen you in. That might
Speaker 1: get him a little bit more aroused. But then you
Speaker 1: four play and tease him. So now you put you
Speaker 1: tell him let me try something. You sit him down
Speaker 1: in the chair, tie his legs up, tie his hands up,
Speaker 1: and you tease him to the point where you aroused
Speaker 1: and you play with him. And now he can't come
Speaker 1: because you're not going to allow it to get to
Speaker 1: that point. That four player that tease may help you,
Speaker 1: and then once you get to your point out, it's like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna let him deliver, but I'm gonna get mines.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Like, there's so many different
Speaker 1: ways that you can make sex creative and fun, but
Speaker 1: the conversation has.
Speaker 4: To be had and ultimately says you kind of knew
Speaker 4: what you were getting into.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know what she did, but if he got
Speaker 1: complacent and stopped doing something.
Speaker 2: The fiest part because she said she had some people
Speaker 2: in the past who maybe doesn't measure up or he
Speaker 2: doesn't measure up to.
Speaker 4: But it's just like, you know.
Speaker 3: Enough for nothing. This is a good thing.
Speaker 1: I'm going to close the year out on. It's my
Speaker 1: moment in truth. Ladies. Sex is important to y'all too.
Speaker 1: Stop acting like it's not for whatever reason that you
Speaker 1: want to make it seem like it's not important. Sex
Speaker 1: is important and should be important to women as well.
Speaker 1: This whole taboo mindset that a woman is supposed to
Speaker 1: just enjoy whatever type of sex that her man provides.
Speaker 3: It's not really.
Speaker 2: Shouldn't just enjoy whatever woman provides, or if it's a
Speaker 2: woman and a woman or a man and a man whatever,
Speaker 2: who doesn't matter, whatever the makeup is. One person in
Speaker 2: the relationship shouldn't have to always be the one.
Speaker 4: Right to suffer sounds like a bad word, but suffer
Speaker 4: is that what it is?
Speaker 3: Because if we're asking our partner to only be.
Speaker 4: With us, it is a deficit.
Speaker 3: Is avoid suffer.
Speaker 1: If you had a deficit, you suffering, like we're not
Speaker 1: changing that.
Speaker 3: It is. My responsibility, is your husband.
Speaker 1: If I'm asking you to no longer be with anybody
Speaker 1: else or share your intimate space with anybody else, it's
Speaker 1: my responsibility to make sure that you are yes, fill
Speaker 1: you up and be satisfied and vice versa. Right, And
Speaker 1: that's that's my moment of truth for everybody. Love your partner,
Speaker 1: fill them up, don't don't fall.
Speaker 3: Into the world. She got to accept what he got
Speaker 3: to accept what I'm giving.
Speaker 1: And no, no, work your hardest to be everything your
Speaker 1: partner these because you chose them. If you don't want
Speaker 1: to work hard to be with your partner these, then
Speaker 1: you should have chose somebody.
Speaker 2: Service based industry guys. As we told y'all, that's how
Speaker 2: this marriage relationship stuff works. Some really good listener letters
Speaker 2: shout out to y'all for writing in.
Speaker 4: Shout out to Triple for putting this together for us.
Speaker 2: Yeah, moment of truth for the Well before we get
Speaker 2: to the moment of truth, we'll be back.
Speaker 4: In twenty twenty five.
Speaker 2: Yes, with Dead Ass podcasts, more stuff, new stuff, different
Speaker 2: things that we might try a day with k baby,
Speaker 2: you know way there is.
Speaker 1: Going to be changes, but still more of the same.
Speaker 1: You're gonna hear our voices every Wednesday. Yes, we're gonna
Speaker 1: be making y'all laugh, but also making y'all think and
Speaker 1: loving up on each other.
Speaker 4: And absolutely talking about alongside.
Speaker 3: Y'all do that. But we're gonna add some things though.
Speaker 2: Y and if you want to be featured as a
Speaker 2: future listener letter, continue to write in. Just because you
Speaker 2: know the year is over. We may go into a
Speaker 2: little two week break or whatever it looks like for us,
Speaker 2: still write in. We're still gonna be checking the email
Speaker 2: Dead Ass Advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 3: That's d E A D A S S A D
Speaker 3: V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: All right, moment of truth time. Well, you're specific about sex.
Speaker 1: I guess my mind wasn't specific about sex, but about
Speaker 1: just being there for your partner.
Speaker 3: Service based industry.
Speaker 1: Continue to love on your partner, yes, fill them up, yes,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. And also feel them up,
Speaker 1: you know, like they hold them, hug them like this.
Speaker 1: This year, let's be a lot more affectionately to personal.
Speaker 1: Let's do that.
Speaker 4: I think that can be a goal for everybody.
Speaker 2: Like, let's be a lot more into personal and not
Speaker 2: so much digital digital.
Speaker 3: Let's get out there.
Speaker 4: You know I would love that.
Speaker 2: And also, guys, I think I say this at the
Speaker 2: end of every Listing Letter episode because you guys take
Speaker 2: time to write in and love on us. I just
Speaker 2: have to thank you again for another successful podcast year season.
Speaker 2: Dead Ass listeners shout out to our Patreon gang for really.
Speaker 4: Really just loving on us.
Speaker 2: We really hold you guys at a high regard because
Speaker 2: we don't take for granted that we're in a world
Speaker 2: where things are crazy and it's hard to make a dollar.
Speaker 2: But you guys are investing in us, and you are
Speaker 2: supporting us, and you're loving on us, and we thank
Speaker 2: you guys so much for that. So much more to
Speaker 2: come for the Ellis's so much more to come from
Speaker 2: Deval and Kadeen and the collective, the family. We're just
Speaker 2: really excited to end the year off with you guys,
Speaker 2: and continue to spread the word about dead Ass Podcast, y'all.
Speaker 2: I know we're fifteen seasons in it, but there will
Speaker 2: be more. So if you have a friend, a family
Speaker 2: member that can use an episode, that could listen to
Speaker 2: something and gain something from dead Ass Podcast, please be
Speaker 2: sure to share. Be sure to find us on Patreon
Speaker 2: if you have not yet to see exclusive dead Ass
Speaker 2: Podcast video content as well as Ellis Family content, and
Speaker 2: you can find us on social media to keep up
Speaker 2: to date with what's happening at dead Ass the podcast.
Speaker 2: You can find me at Kadeen I Am and I
Speaker 2: Am Deval and.
Speaker 1: If you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to wait
Speaker 1: if you subscribe, and also pick up your copy of
Speaker 1: We Over Me, The Contraintuitive Approach to getting Everything you want.
Speaker 4: Yes, your relationship is the season, y'all. Y'all can still
Speaker 4: keep giving.
Speaker 2: And it's still cold outside, baby, so grab you hoodies,
Speaker 2: dead Ass merch, Drip, drip, Marry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, happiness,
Speaker 2: all that goodness, y'all.
Speaker 4: We love you. See you in twenty twenty five, y'all.
Speaker 5: Got dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network
Speaker 5: and its produced by Donor Pinya and Triple.
Speaker 1: Follow the podcast on social media at dead Ass the
Speaker 1: Podcast and Never miss a Thing