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Speaker 1: The new year is coming, make sure that it's new you,

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Speaker 1: because every year that's what people say, new year knew me.

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Speaker 2: I'm just trying to get into these listening letters y'all

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Speaker 2: to see how y'all end in the year out, see

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Speaker 2: what all of the shenanigans have been happening, so we

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Speaker 2: can indeed go into the new year fresh dead ass. Hey,

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Speaker 2: I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured, and we're the Ellis's.

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Speaker 3: You may know us from posting funny videos with our.

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Speaker 2: Boys and reading each other publicly as a.

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Speaker 4: Form of therapy.

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Speaker 3: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

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Speaker 4: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.

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Speaker 3: Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open

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Speaker 3: dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.

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Speaker 4: Things most folks don't want to talk about.

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Speaker 5: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass

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Speaker 5: is a term that we say every day. So when

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Speaker 5: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred

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Speaker 5: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

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Speaker 3: We about to say pillows off to our whole new level.

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Speaker 4: Dead ass starts right now.

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Speaker 1: Karaoke time, all right, because the stories are gonna come

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Speaker 1: from y'all absolutely. So this karaoke song is dedicated to

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Speaker 1: number three. That's what we have so many kids now,

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Speaker 1: we just to give them numbers.

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Speaker 4: Number Where's one and three? Where's and four?

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Speaker 1: Caswell song boy, Him and him and Kay get in

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Speaker 1: the car. The first thing out here is Daddy, Daddy,

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Speaker 1: can we play?

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Speaker 4: I like the way your body is? Is it so obvious?

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Speaker 4: And klaneus I don't even know the worst.

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Speaker 3: They don't know. They just being a call. And Kaz

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Speaker 3: knows the word.

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Speaker 4: He does the words.

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Speaker 3: Kaz and Cairo know the way they be back their

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Speaker 3: mouth of the words, And.

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Speaker 2: Every time I attempt to sing you, they're like, Mom,

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Speaker 2: that's not the song. So at this point I refuse

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Speaker 2: to learn the words because it's just a running joke

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Speaker 2: that we have.

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Speaker 4: But you know what, one day I won't learn it.

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Speaker 2: I want to actually listen to that song in the

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Speaker 2: vein of us trying to stay on trend with our children.

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Speaker 1: You're gonna blow their minds if you sing all the words,

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Speaker 1: They're gonna be like, yeah, mom.

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Speaker 2: I'm trying to be that mom. So I'm actually going

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Speaker 2: to make it a point to try to actually learn

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Speaker 2: the lyrics at least for like the beginning and maybe

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Speaker 2: like the first chorus or whatever.

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Speaker 3: I think you should and I think you should do

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Speaker 3: TikTok videos with.

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Speaker 1: Them, matter of fact, matter of fact, going into because

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Speaker 1: you're forty one now, right, you're forty one now, so

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Speaker 1: going into the new year, you gotta go back back

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Speaker 1: in time, okay, to bond with your boys in a

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Speaker 1: different way, because think about it. I agree, I bond

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Speaker 1: with them in sports all the time. I take them

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Speaker 1: to practice, we do our stuff. You need to have

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Speaker 1: something with them, right, and we already talked about like

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Speaker 1: this is something else, sydebar.

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Speaker 3: It's not nothing to do with listening letters.

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Speaker 1: But Kadeen and I like, yo, we did const require

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Speaker 1: our parents danced with us, Like we learned rhythm with

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Speaker 1: and through our parents. Yes, and we were just like, yo,

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Speaker 1: we don't dance enough with our kids, and our kids

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Speaker 1: aren't in a choir. We got to teach them rhythm, Like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: you know, you have to have rhythm. A Caribbean African

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Speaker 1: American person.

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Speaker 3: You gotta have.

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Speaker 2: Your car will get revoked real quick. So okay, so

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Speaker 2: that's it. Twenty five y'all. I'll be doing an attempting

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Speaker 2: to do TikTok videos and dances with my son gonna

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Speaker 2: be It's not like a resolution that's not gonna get kept.

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Speaker 2: But at the very least, I'll make sure that we.

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Speaker 4: Do more of that with the boy.

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Speaker 3: I think you can do it.

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Speaker 2: Listen, my Jamaican Caribbean Vincenia rooms can die with me,

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Speaker 2: so they have to live on.

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Speaker 4: All right, y'all, let's.

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Speaker 2: Take a quick break and we're gonna get into this

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Speaker 2: listener letter episode. I see devout scrolling and scrolling scrolling,

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Speaker 2: man baby, y'all sends over some dissertations and it's all good.

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Speaker 2: Cannot wait to dive in. We'll be back, all right, y'all.

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Speaker 2: We got quite a few to get into today, but

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Speaker 2: I guess we will. Actually, it's not a lot of them.

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Speaker 2: They're just lengthy. They're lengthy. They're lengthy. But listen, we

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Speaker 2: did ask that people give us context, and y'all have

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Speaker 2: been delivering on the context. So let's just hope in

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Speaker 2: one sided context. All right, all right, let's get to it.

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Speaker 2: Dear kadenan in Deval, I'm a twenty nine year old

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Speaker 2: Jamaican English big up Kadano Bop YEP chronically single woman.

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Speaker 2: I'm terrified of commitment because I grew up watching my

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Speaker 2: parents have to me what seemed like a very toxic

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Speaker 2: and unhealthy relationship. My mother was very domesticated and did

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Speaker 2: things around the house and served my father during the

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Speaker 2: times that he actually was in the household. He worked

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Speaker 2: out of the country to help provide for us. They've

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Speaker 2: tried to make things more egalitarian over the years, as

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Speaker 2: my father worked less and my mother subsequently started working more.

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Speaker 2: Could tell Jamaica okay, very English, suspicious, absolutely, and she

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Speaker 2: must say persons rather than people. I'm sure I love it.

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Speaker 2: My mom was okay, I got to that part. Sorry

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Speaker 2: you made me lose my spot? Okay, all good. They

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Speaker 2: have tried to make things more okay, we said that

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Speaker 2: part already to My mom overworks herself, and my father

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Speaker 2: can't seem can't seem to see or understand that the

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Speaker 2: things he does or better yet, the things he doesn't

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Speaker 2: do contributes to this as well. Often he feels comfortable

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Speaker 2: leaning on my mom in ways that I feel a

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Speaker 2: woman should lean on a man, not the other way around.

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Speaker 2: I never used to be big on gender roles, but

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Speaker 2: as I've started to heal my own hyper masculine tendencies.

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Speaker 2: I started to lean more into my femininity and it

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Speaker 2: has become a lot more important and desirable for me

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Speaker 2: to have a partner to do life with. I have

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Speaker 2: two older brothers who cannot be there for me or

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Speaker 2: be safe people in my life due to their own

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Speaker 2: issues and trauma. This has contributed to me having unhealthy

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Speaker 2: ideas about men in general as well. My question is

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Speaker 2: what can I practically do to be proactive in my

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Speaker 2: romantic relationships whenever I do get into one, so that

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Speaker 2: I don't recreate the same dynamic that my mother and

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Speaker 2: father had. I have come to accept that I'll probably

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Speaker 2: be very domestic, sorry, very domesticated, and my logic is

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Speaker 2: that I would feel comfortable being that way for a

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Speaker 2: man who provided for me. Indeed, how understood. However, I

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Speaker 2: know that financial abuse was an issue between my mother

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Speaker 2: and father, which caused my mom to overwork herself into sickness.

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Speaker 2: I have no problem getting to the bag, but I

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Speaker 2: do want I don't want it to be the most

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Speaker 2: important thing in my life anymore as it has been

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Speaker 2: for the past fifteen or so years of my life.

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Speaker 2: I've already overworked myself to the point of burnout, and

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Speaker 2: I don't want to end up stuck in a relationship

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Speaker 2: where I feel that I have to continue doing that

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Speaker 2: for any reason. My dad worries about being used by

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Speaker 2: women due to his own mommy issues, and you know,

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Speaker 2: they say we often end up attracting someone very similar

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Speaker 2: to our fathers. This frightens me, and I feel like

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Speaker 2: my logic could be faulty considering I'm so close to

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Speaker 2: the situation, but I don't know how to how else

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Speaker 2: to view things. I would love to see where perspectives

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Speaker 2: I might be missing. I worry about being used and

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Speaker 2: taken advantage of by men as well in regards to

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Speaker 2: my needs, going unseen and or disregarded while being in

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Speaker 2: a relationship, which has led me to avoid committing altogether.

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Speaker 2: Is there anything that I could be aware of during

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Speaker 2: the process of picking a partner and or also actually

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Speaker 2: while in the relationship to help reduce the likelihood of

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Speaker 2: recreating this cycle? And I want to overlook how a

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Speaker 2: man might feel in a relationship with me due to

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Speaker 2: these old wounds, for example, him feeling used. But I

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Speaker 2: also feel most loved and secure when I'm provided for

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Speaker 2: financially and materialistically. I love how y'all give advice from

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Speaker 2: a solidified relationship perspective, considering both sides. I like how

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Speaker 2: Dval discusses how he would feel as a man, and

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Speaker 2: then also how he would consider Kadeen as his partner

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Speaker 2: and vice versa with Kadeen as well. I often default

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Speaker 2: to just automatically assuming people are incompatible and should while

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Speaker 2: conflict when conflicts arise. Based on watching my parents grow up,

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Speaker 2: I recognize this probably isn't the best thing to DeVault to,

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Speaker 2: and I would love to experience a mindset shift.

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Speaker 4: Please help.

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Speaker 2: All right, thank you so much for this twenty nine

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Speaker 2: year old woman. She gave us a very well written

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Speaker 2: statement about how she feels. I think she was able

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Speaker 2: to really encompass that in this breakdown that she gave here.

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Speaker 2: So I think, like many of us, how we approach

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Speaker 2: relationships and how we approach wanting to be with someone

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Speaker 2: or what we're looking for when we start the dating process,

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Speaker 2: a lot of it has to do with how we

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Speaker 2: were raised, the things that we witnessed as kids growing

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Speaker 2: up and devalent. I think I've spoken honestly about that

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Speaker 2: over the course of Dead Ass podcasts, where it was

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Speaker 2: season fifteen now, so we've spoken candidly about how we

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Speaker 2: felt like our upbringing or just experiencing and being around

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Speaker 2: our parents and their relationships as either positively or negatively

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Speaker 2: impacted how we've shown up in our relationships, and a

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Speaker 2: lot of times we've had to pretty much change, like

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Speaker 2: complete one eight from what we've experienced growing up because

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Speaker 2: we didn't want to end up there.

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Speaker 1: But I think that she's done the work first to realize, yes,

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Speaker 1: I know why I am the way I am, I

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Speaker 1: know my fears, I know what I want and what

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Speaker 1: I don't want.

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Speaker 4: That's the biggest thing first, So that's a great thing.

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Speaker 1: The next part is using discernment and saying, Okay, if

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Speaker 1: I know the type of lifestyle I want to live,

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Speaker 1: I have to create the best version of myself to

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Speaker 1: present to someone. But then I also have to pick

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Speaker 1: the right person to present the version of myself that

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Speaker 1: I want to pick. And hopefully, once I've created the

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Speaker 1: best version of myself and I've chosen the right person,

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Speaker 1: them two can create whatever life they want to create

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Speaker 1: for each other. The reason why I say that is

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Speaker 1: because she says she doesn't want to deal with financial abuse,

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Speaker 1: which means she doesn't want a man that's always going

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Speaker 1: to say to her, well, I make all the money,

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Speaker 1: you have to do what I'm telling you to do.

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Speaker 1: But she also doesn't want to have to work and

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Speaker 1: bust her ass all the time, right, So she's looking

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Speaker 1: for a partner.

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Speaker 3: Looking for a partner, yeah.

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Speaker 1: Which means that all starts with discernment, which means that

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Speaker 1: if you want to get to know your partner, get

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Speaker 1: to know your partner and their parents, because that's the

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Speaker 1: best way for you to understand how that person is

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Speaker 1: going to show up for you in life. It's not

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Speaker 1: only watching their parents interact, but how do they interact

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Speaker 1: with their parents. Because for example, you could see your

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Speaker 1: partner's parents interact and say, oh, that's a red flag.

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Speaker 1: I would never want he or she to interact with

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Speaker 1: me like that. But then when you realize like, oh,

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Speaker 1: they're speaking to their parents about how toxic this could be,

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Speaker 1: or they're saying to you like, yeah, I want to

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Speaker 1: make sure that we have enough communication in our relationship

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Speaker 1: that we don't replicate that behavior, then you realize that

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Speaker 1: that person is being deliberate about being different than what

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Speaker 1: they saw growing up.

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Speaker 3: So it's just real learning. If your partner learning their family.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, we've been through that de Valini, because you know,

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Speaker 2: being together at the tender ages of eighteen nineteen years old,

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Speaker 2: you know, having to aside from grow as individuals. We

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Speaker 2: really had to realize how as individuals we were impacted by,

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Speaker 2: of course the way we were raised and having our

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Speaker 2: parents as examples. So many times the val I have

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Speaker 2: said to each other, we can't end up like our parents.

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Speaker 2: And either sets of parents for whatever reason, we would

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Speaker 2: see various behaviors or the way one parent treated the

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Speaker 2: other or why they did and though it was never

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Speaker 2: our business to get involved or try to change who

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Speaker 2: they were, we just realized after experiencing that and seeing

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Speaker 2: how it could have been a detriment to them their relationship,

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Speaker 2: or even just us as children, not wanting to replicate

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Speaker 2: that with our kids. So just being super mindful. So

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Speaker 2: what I love about what you said here is that

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Speaker 2: you're very mindful of everything that your parents have kind

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Speaker 2: of lived and that was your lived experience. I think

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Speaker 2: you need to go into these relationships with a very

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Speaker 2: open mind about who you are attracting, who you are

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Speaker 2: trying to, as the Vow said, like who you're pretty

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Speaker 2: much casting your net to see who you're attracting that way,

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Speaker 2: when that person comes along, having these open conversations like

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Speaker 2: you did here and just kind of laying it out like, Hey,

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Speaker 2: this is my family background, this is what I've been

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Speaker 2: exposed to, These are the issues that I've had with

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Speaker 2: my parents, this is what I've seen, this is what

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Speaker 2: my brothers you are dealing with. And with that you

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Speaker 2: can then have those open conversations with whoever you decide

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Speaker 2: to date, hoping that they can then open up to

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Speaker 2: you about their lived experiences too.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: But the truth is you only will attract the type

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Speaker 1: of people that you The energy you put out will

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Speaker 1: attract those type of people if you're deliberate and.

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Speaker 3: You're being open and honest.

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Speaker 1: When someone that comes across from you is not delivering

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Speaker 1: the same thing, but they look the way you want

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Speaker 1: them to look, don't ignore all of that. And to me,

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Speaker 1: that's the issue I've learned mean people physically, because people.

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Speaker 3: Will say, well, this is what I want in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: They meet someone who physically is like, man, I really

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Speaker 1: like this person, so they try to fit all of

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Speaker 1: those person's red flags into that person, like I can

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Speaker 1: fix these things. No, if you're functioning at a high rate,

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Speaker 1: and you have certain things you want in your life,

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Speaker 1: and you sit across from somebody talk about those things early.

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Speaker 1: If those persons don't fit, then let them move on.

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Speaker 1: There's no reason to try to let's see. Let's see, no,

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Speaker 1: have the conversations early. And we spoke to a young

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Speaker 1: person recently who was getting into the dating scene and

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Speaker 1: they were just like, I don't want to scare people

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Speaker 1: off with what I require. I said, no, you do

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Speaker 1: want to scare people off because if you tell them

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Speaker 1: what you require and they run, that means that person

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Speaker 1: wasn't there for you anyway. That person was there for

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Speaker 1: their own agenda. You tell them what you require, and

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Speaker 1: they said, oh, I can get with that. This is

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Speaker 1: somebody you want to build with. But just remember you

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Speaker 1: have to do the same thing because the same way

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Speaker 1: you require things, she made meet a high functioning man

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Speaker 1: that requires a lot the same way she requires a lot,

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Speaker 1: and you have.

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Speaker 3: To be willing to give the same way you want

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Speaker 3: him to give.

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Speaker 2: So I wonder what it is about dating nowadays, because

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Speaker 2: you know, neither you or I have been on the

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Speaker 2: dating scene in forever, but there's this apprehension to authentically

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Speaker 2: up itself. It's almost like feeling like you have to

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Speaker 2: keep something to yourself right, so that all of yourself

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Speaker 2: is not exposed in the very beginning. Whereas I'm imagining

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Speaker 2: so and you're not going to even write in and

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Speaker 2: say if I'm wrong, But wouldn't you want to kind

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Speaker 2: of lay everything out on the table for the sake

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Speaker 2: of just time, like after a date or two, like

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Speaker 2: if I've laid everything out and you have realized that

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Speaker 2: they're just not anything, like, it's just not going to work.

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Speaker 1: People go into dates wanting to be liked, and they

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Speaker 1: want to be liked by the person that they like.

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Speaker 1: So a lot of times it's like, Man, I like

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Speaker 1: that woman right there, I like her, what does she like?

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Speaker 1: Let me try to be whatever version of that that

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Speaker 1: she likes so that I can be with that person.

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Speaker 2: So is it is a given that people like my

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Speaker 2: talking Instagram page first like let me see what this

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Speaker 2: person is into? Yes, and then using that as a

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Speaker 2: way to like spart conversation or show similar interests that

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Speaker 2: may not be there.

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Speaker 1: That literally happens. I speak to my boys about it

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Speaker 1: all the time. They do it, and they openly admit

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Speaker 1: that they know women that do it. They say they'll

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Speaker 1: they'll see someone online if it is the first thing,

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Speaker 1: especially we didn't have this dating experience. But they meet somebody,

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Speaker 1: whether it's out. The first thing to do is go

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Speaker 1: to Instagram, Twitter page to see what they can learn

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Speaker 1: about them.

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Speaker 3: Once they figure out what they learn and stuff, they

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Speaker 3: then try.

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Speaker 1: To manipulate to be like, oh, we have the same interests.

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Speaker 4: You don't have the interest so how long is that

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Speaker 4: going to last?

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Speaker 3: And they don't last?

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Speaker 4: Don't last? You see what I'm saying, event fade? Yes,

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Speaker 4: for sure, for sure.

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Speaker 3: Well hopefully we helped you out, mama.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm trying to skim through to see if there

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Speaker 4: was anything else that I missed.

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Speaker 2: But I think you did a really great job of dissecting,

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Speaker 2: like your parents, your your brothers, what you required. I

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Speaker 2: feel like you almost like laid everything out here to

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Speaker 2: answer everything. I don't think you missed much, to be honest,

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Speaker 2: I think it was one of our questions, I did

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Speaker 2: I miss anything here?

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Speaker 1: I think you this is the work that's necessary to

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Speaker 1: do in order to get into a relationship. The hard

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Speaker 1: part is here is not saying hey, listen, so and

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Speaker 1: so sitting across the table, I'm looking to be in

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Speaker 1: a long term relationship. I'm not looking for casual sex.

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Speaker 1: I'm interested in these things which may scare somebody off.

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Speaker 1: And if it scares that person off, like we said,

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Speaker 1: let them run, you will sit across from somebody who

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Speaker 1: will say, oh, I'm interested in the same things. Actually,

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Speaker 1: that's someone you deal with, you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: That's someone that you start to build with. If you

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Speaker 1: coming in there with a facade or trying to just

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Speaker 1: make that person like you, You're gonna struggle in a

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Speaker 1: dating scene.

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Speaker 4: Absolutely, all right, SI's good luck to you, all right,

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Speaker 4: number two? You want to go for the number two?

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Speaker 1: Waguan mnim Ib. When she started with the Waguan, I

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Speaker 1: knew what it was. I'll be thirty on seven to eleven,

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Speaker 1: always open. I was born and raised in Jamaica. My

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Speaker 1: family moved to New York North Long Island, Uniondale, ten

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Speaker 1: minutes from Hofstra Bullet bullet Yeah, yeah, fifteen years ago,

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Speaker 1: and that was a by the time we was there.

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Speaker 3: Good morning.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: All this to say how much I can relate to

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Speaker 1: K and Kay and makes your stories feel even more relatable.

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Speaker 1: I was first drawn to you guys from the Tim's

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Speaker 1: family picture on Facebook and then again with the Balcony

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Speaker 1: Lingerie picture on Insta. Being a Christian Jamaica and sometimes Adventists,

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Speaker 1: it's refreshing to see a marriage that is fun in

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Speaker 1: the open, you know, so uptight then secret.

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Speaker 3: Yes, we understand that.

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Speaker 1: I started listening to the podcast rigorously, oh religiously in

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Speaker 1: twenty nineteen when I was trying to date intentionally for

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Speaker 1: marriage reluctantly. Now that I am married, I have a

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Speaker 1: two year old. This podcast is literally my therapy sessions.

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Speaker 1: It's ours too. Not sure if it's postpartum or just

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Speaker 1: unlocking some of the struggles traumas, but each episode literally

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Speaker 1: had me crying until the next episode for two years.

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Speaker 1: Now that sounds like postpartum, but hopefully we're gonna have

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Speaker 1: you crying too much. I am reluctant to listen because

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Speaker 1: my husband isn't interested in podcasts and social media personalities.

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Speaker 1: I don't blame him, and I feel I am growing

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Speaker 1: maturing faster in our marriage, thus making it really hard

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Speaker 1: to effectively implement most of what I am learning. And

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Speaker 1: most of all, I am reluctant to listen because this

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Speaker 1: podcast has, has and continues to open my eyes to

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Speaker 1: how things unknowingly influence my behavior. I am truly unlocking

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Speaker 1: so many traumas I didn't even know it existed. That

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Speaker 1: is the truth. The therapy will do that. I think

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Speaker 1: I might need real therapy at this point.

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Speaker 3: And you go.

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Speaker 1: I started writing this letter in the midst of your

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Speaker 1: Just Like Your Mama episode.

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Speaker 3: Oh.

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Speaker 1: I think most Jamaicans are defensive, but this episode really

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Speaker 1: made me understood, made me understand my own defensiveness. The

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Speaker 1: Valle explaining his understanding of why MEMI is defensive. I

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Speaker 1: can go on and on about the various episodes and

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Speaker 1: how they've they've helped, especially the sex ones that I

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Speaker 1: mentioned that I am Christian Jamaican. You guys hear it

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Speaker 1: all the time, but I'll say it again while crying

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Speaker 1: on my job and writing.

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Speaker 3: This letter, that this podcast is truly a blessing.

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Speaker 1: I pray that God will continue to provide you guys

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Speaker 1: with strength, time, inspirations and topics that will continue to

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Speaker 1: start the healing process for your listeners.

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Speaker 3: Thank you, thank you, thank you, Love you guys.

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Speaker 1: PS. Terrible please sneak this in. Oh trible, Why she's

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Speaker 1: spelled trible?

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Speaker 3: Terrible?

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Speaker 4: Oh it was probably an order correct.

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Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you, love you guys, Trible, please sneak

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Speaker 1: this in. I hope it warms.

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Speaker 2: There definitely, Thanky, No, we appreciate that, and I love

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Speaker 2: how Triple always sneaks in these love letters to us

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Speaker 2: in listener letters.

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Speaker 3: I do have some things though.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I noticed a couple of things here, and I

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Speaker 4: just want.

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Speaker 1: Her to understand that majority of our listeners start off

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Speaker 1: as women who want their partners to listen, and they

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Speaker 1: don't listen. So don't have give grace to your husband

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Speaker 1: because most men that I know don't listen to podcasts,

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Speaker 1: especially relationship podcasts. They listen to sports podcasts, or they

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Speaker 1: watch things that blow up, you know what I'm saying

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Speaker 1: Like that, that's just that's how we're wired. You know,

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Speaker 1: it's a proven fact. It's a scientific fact that when

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Speaker 1: lost women will ask for directions, men won't. Listening to

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Speaker 1: a relationship podcast is the equivalent, very similar asking for directions.

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Speaker 1: Men feel like we can figure things out. And I'm

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Speaker 1: not speaking for all men. I hate speaking in general generalities,

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Speaker 1: but it's the truth. Men feel like we can figure

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Speaker 1: things out, and asking for advice or getting for advice,

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Speaker 1: especially from another man can make even the strongest man

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Speaker 1: at times feels insecure.

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Speaker 4: Undermind you under my wife. Now to them, right, what

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Speaker 4: is he saying?

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Speaker 2: And you've gotten people who are just like damn like

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Speaker 2: men who and be like, damn, man, you're making it

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Speaker 2: hard for me.

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Speaker 4: My wife, you.

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Speaker 2: Know, talks about how great you are as a husband,

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Speaker 2: and then it's just like damn, like that's never the

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Speaker 2: intention is for anyone to feel bad.

439
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,760
Speaker 3: I say, be better, but it just like, don't come,

440
00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:31,120
Speaker 3: no real, don't don't.

441
00:20:31,119 --> 00:20:33,040
Speaker 1: Don't come at me on the airport when I'm tired,

442
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:34,760
Speaker 1: first of all, and be like, man, why are you

443
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,640
Speaker 1: saying and doing to that nice stuff for your wife?

444
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:39,359
Speaker 3: Now you're making it bad for me. Listen to what

445
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:40,719
Speaker 3: you just said about yourself.

446
00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:43,560
Speaker 1: Stop doing nice stuff for your wife because it's making

447
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:44,280
Speaker 1: me look bad.

448
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:47,080
Speaker 3: Be better. And I say that and they laugh.

449
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:49,320
Speaker 1: And we laugh together because it's always jokes and they're like, damn,

450
00:20:49,359 --> 00:20:51,160
Speaker 1: you're funny in person, not funding, but.

451
00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:53,720
Speaker 4: I'm serious, but serious.

452
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:56,680
Speaker 1: I'd be serious like as much as as I will say.

453
00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:59,879
Speaker 1: Women need to be accountable. Men need to be accountable

454
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:02,680
Speaker 1: for being better. And this is a perfect example. When

455
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:05,440
Speaker 1: we did the podcast with nice and neat podcasts. Those

456
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:09,000
Speaker 1: gentlemen all said to me that they felt like they

457
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:12,320
Speaker 1: needed to be better and they noticed that I was

458
00:21:12,359 --> 00:21:14,520
Speaker 1: always on the journey to always be better, so it

459
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:16,160
Speaker 1: made them feel okay.

460
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:17,760
Speaker 2: And you were open to When I said, hey, Deval,

461
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,160
Speaker 2: this is young dudes that have a podcast. They seemed

462
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:22,480
Speaker 2: like they're talking about some stuff reminds me of you.

463
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:25,920
Speaker 2: You know, similar background, so maybe you should give a listen.

464
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:26,639
Speaker 4: And you are open to.

465
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,159
Speaker 1: And I listened to that podcast right because to me,

466
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:32,240
Speaker 1: you're never too good or too perfect to be better.

467
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:34,480
Speaker 1: That's why I said, I'll say to them, be better.

468
00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:36,439
Speaker 1: When you told me that you listened to them, I

469
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:38,840
Speaker 1: was like, okay, what about them was better? And this

470
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:41,240
Speaker 1: is where you can tell when someone has matured. I'm

471
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,920
Speaker 1: going to pat myself on the back when it comes

472
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:46,679
Speaker 1: to maturity. K first showed me the podcast, not because

473
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:49,879
Speaker 1: everything they're saying was mature, but because Duke had a

474
00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:50,520
Speaker 1: wild physic.

475
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:55,159
Speaker 2: Remember, and then I found Duke's and I was like, ohhot.

476
00:21:56,840 --> 00:21:58,720
Speaker 2: I was like, you know when you feel like you

477
00:21:58,760 --> 00:21:59,680
Speaker 2: know somebody on social media?

478
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,800
Speaker 4: I was like, body baby, So it's like that.

479
00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:06,080
Speaker 1: And to be honest, she did point out Duke because

480
00:22:06,119 --> 00:22:07,840
Speaker 1: she was looking at Chanel. One thing Kadeen and I

481
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:11,399
Speaker 1: don't do. We don't get keep when we see someone

482
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:14,320
Speaker 1: else that we like, dang their physik, their physique or

483
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,119
Speaker 1: their mindset.

484
00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:17,480
Speaker 3: Is like out of this world, right.

485
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:20,199
Speaker 1: Kay showed me Chanel first, and it was like, have

486
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,840
Speaker 1: you seen Chanelle's husband, because I'm in this space now

487
00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:25,600
Speaker 1: with television, well, fiance, I'm in this space now with

488
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:28,159
Speaker 1: television where I can't be super bulky because then I

489
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:30,680
Speaker 1: look like a football player. But I also don't want

490
00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:33,000
Speaker 1: to be all skinny in Maga neither, because I want

491
00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:34,480
Speaker 1: to be able to lift my wife up and body

492
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:35,080
Speaker 1: slammer in the.

493
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:35,480
Speaker 3: Bad you know.

494
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:37,320
Speaker 4: So you know what I'm saying. I need to feel

495
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:38,000
Speaker 4: body on me.

496
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:39,080
Speaker 3: That's her thing.

497
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:43,080
Speaker 1: When I get too skinny. She'd be like, so she

498
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:45,399
Speaker 1: showed me Chanel, but she did for me. She's like,

499
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,240
Speaker 1: look at Duke's physique. He's extremely lean, but he looks

500
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:49,800
Speaker 1: like he has enough size, about one hundred and ninety

501
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:52,000
Speaker 1: five pounds. So I was looking at their page and

502
00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:54,159
Speaker 1: then he was. She was like, yo, listen to their podcast,

503
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:56,480
Speaker 1: like it's three of them. Then you told me about

504
00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:59,200
Speaker 1: Omar and how Omar changed his eating habits and his

505
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:02,520
Speaker 1: diet to help his wife with Let me get this right,

506
00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:08,120
Speaker 1: because I always say COPD because my grandfather passed away

507
00:23:08,119 --> 00:23:10,119
Speaker 1: from COPD. So when I hear the O and the

508
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:11,560
Speaker 1: PID is always yeah, I get it.

509
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:13,520
Speaker 4: Which was a great episode.

510
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:15,159
Speaker 2: If you guys missed it this season, may have to

511
00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:17,520
Speaker 2: go back and listen to it and the Guys podcast.

512
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:20,320
Speaker 1: To first of all, their their story about how he

513
00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:23,680
Speaker 1: changed being an NFL athlete eating protein all the time

514
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:25,880
Speaker 1: but wanting to do that for his wife was an

515
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:28,600
Speaker 1: example to me about how I could also be better.

516
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:31,040
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Like, yeah, I helped K

517
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:34,240
Speaker 1: with postpartum and we did everything you know pre natal.

518
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,600
Speaker 3: But I didn't know how to help her pass that.

519
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,119
Speaker 1: And then once she started taking the blood tests and

520
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:40,359
Speaker 1: doing all these changes, I was like, you know what,

521
00:23:40,359 --> 00:23:41,919
Speaker 1: maybe I should make changes to help K.

522
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:43,919
Speaker 4: For both of us.

523
00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:45,280
Speaker 3: And I've learned that from Omar.

524
00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:48,840
Speaker 1: I've learned that from listening to Duke and Julyan, like gentlemen,

525
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,760
Speaker 1: don't be afraid to learn and listen. And if there's

526
00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:54,240
Speaker 1: one thing about this listener letter that even though she

527
00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:57,960
Speaker 1: didn't ask a question, give your husband grace and don't

528
00:23:58,000 --> 00:23:59,280
Speaker 1: just give up on him if you don't want to

529
00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:02,199
Speaker 1: listen now, maybe show him a clip here, show him

530
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:03,080
Speaker 1: a clip there, Show him.

531
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:04,000
Speaker 3: A clip that will help him.

532
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:05,920
Speaker 1: Right, you know what I'm saying, showing a clip where

533
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:08,560
Speaker 1: I might have said something that he agrees with, so

534
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,160
Speaker 1: that he doesn't feel like a podcast exactly.

535
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:12,639
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, And that was going to say to her,

536
00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:14,760
Speaker 2: it's all on the approach or even when you spark

537
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:16,200
Speaker 2: those conversations with your husband.

538
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,560
Speaker 4: I don't know what your communication style is life with him,

539
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:19,360
Speaker 4: but you.

540
00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:22,960
Speaker 2: Know, asking maybe a question that can provoke conversation or

541
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,040
Speaker 2: some kind of thought first, and then that way you

542
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:28,440
Speaker 2: can then if there's something that you pulled from the

543
00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:31,159
Speaker 2: Valori in a podcast episode, you can just kind of,

544
00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:33,560
Speaker 2: you know, work that into the conversation somehow and not

545
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:35,679
Speaker 2: make it seem like, oh well, getting de val who

546
00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:37,879
Speaker 2: are all knowing said it? But no, this kind of

547
00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:39,760
Speaker 2: made sense and it kind of relates to where we

548
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:41,080
Speaker 2: are right now in this space.

549
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:46,000
Speaker 1: And I listened to podcasts right listen to other people,

550
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:47,920
Speaker 1: listen to the people. I listened to earn your leisure

551
00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:50,800
Speaker 1: podcasts or learn about finances. I listened to the budget Nista.

552
00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:53,080
Speaker 1: I know she's not a man, she's a woman, But

553
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:58,040
Speaker 1: this I'm willing to learn from anybody like That's that's

554
00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,720
Speaker 1: the only way I know how to give you guys information,

555
00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:04,040
Speaker 1: not because I sat here and created it. I listen,

556
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:08,040
Speaker 1: I read, I watched documentaries. I listened to Matt McConaughey's book.

557
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:10,000
Speaker 1: I listened to Will Smith's book. I listened to fifty

558
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:12,800
Speaker 1: Cents book. I've learned so many different things from different

559
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:15,760
Speaker 1: type of people in different walks of life. So hopefully

560
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:18,320
Speaker 1: you know this helps you your husband and hell jump

561
00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:19,760
Speaker 1: in here and dass podcast.

562
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:22,840
Speaker 2: I love it, Thanks so much, Abby, And she also

563
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:26,520
Speaker 2: cracked me up with Christian Jamaican sometimes adventis.

564
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:30,600
Speaker 4: Yes, yeah, that's me. It's me, you know, having a

565
00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:34,080
Speaker 4: very very adventist family, particularly on my mom's side.

566
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:37,240
Speaker 2: So all right, now, I think we should take a

567
00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:40,000
Speaker 2: quick break. That was a two solid ones that we

568
00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:41,840
Speaker 2: had so far. Yeah, we're gonna take a break paying

569
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:43,720
Speaker 2: bills and we're gonna get back into the rest of

570
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:44,440
Speaker 2: our listening letters.

571
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:54,000
Speaker 4: So stick around, y'all. We'll be back. All right, we're back.

572
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:56,520
Speaker 4: Number three. What's the word?

573
00:25:56,560 --> 00:25:58,760
Speaker 2: Kadeen and Deval I just started listening to the podcast,

574
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:01,200
Speaker 2: and from January to Press, I have damn near watched

575
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:04,760
Speaker 2: the majority of the episode That's Dope. I was introduced

576
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:06,800
Speaker 2: to you guys when I bought the book, and just

577
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:10,320
Speaker 2: want to say I appreciate y'all's platform. I'm twenty four

578
00:26:10,359 --> 00:26:12,480
Speaker 2: and my girlfriend is twenty three. We've been together for

579
00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:16,120
Speaker 2: seven years since high school. Congra we are long distance.

580
00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:19,120
Speaker 2: We were long distance for three years, or for three

581
00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:22,080
Speaker 2: of those years they were long distance, and eventually reunited

582
00:26:22,359 --> 00:26:25,440
Speaker 2: and bought a house together. I say that to say

583
00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:28,280
Speaker 2: I feel like we found ourselves back with each other.

584
00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:31,919
Speaker 2: I feel like we're fine, but we always find our

585
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:33,639
Speaker 2: ways back to each other, which is great. I know

586
00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:36,560
Speaker 2: she loves me, but damn, I do not feel like

587
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:40,520
Speaker 2: I get the respect I deserve. Almost a year ago,

588
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:43,040
Speaker 2: I got into a shootout trying to protect her from

589
00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:45,600
Speaker 2: an altercation, and I ended didn't we have a shootout

590
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,879
Speaker 2: in another like a couple of seasons ago. Man? See

591
00:26:49,119 --> 00:26:50,800
Speaker 2: all right, So almost a year ago I got into

592
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,359
Speaker 2: a shootout trying to protect her from an altercation and

593
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:56,320
Speaker 2: I ended up getting shot six times and losing my

594
00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:57,480
Speaker 2: car in the process.

595
00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:00,720
Speaker 3: Many, Oh lord, there's for upon me.

596
00:27:01,359 --> 00:27:05,760
Speaker 4: Blood and go ahead, mess thank God you're okay.

597
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:08,679
Speaker 1: Hey they okay. They may write in this letter that

598
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:10,719
Speaker 1: means they enjoy your life. One of my homies got

599
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:13,000
Speaker 1: shot recently this summer, and the first thing I did

600
00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:15,040
Speaker 1: when I saw him, I said, you know you belong here, right?

601
00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:16,960
Speaker 3: He said, I'm here? So I put them fists up.

602
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:22,240
Speaker 4: I said, many, man, sure, it's too soon, and they laughs.

603
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:25,639
Speaker 1: When you cheat death is the best time to make

604
00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:27,160
Speaker 1: a joke. You belong here.

605
00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:27,920
Speaker 4: Absolutely.

606
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:30,520
Speaker 1: If you got shot six times and you're still here,

607
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:32,560
Speaker 1: oh there's a reason why you're here.

608
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:34,760
Speaker 4: You're supposed to be here, and you better enjoy life.

609
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:35,840
Speaker 3: God for that shot.

610
00:27:36,359 --> 00:27:38,880
Speaker 2: So the crazy part is I'm not from Houston where

611
00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:41,640
Speaker 2: this happened, and I have no enemies. I'm from Chicago

612
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:43,520
Speaker 2: and I served in the army for four years.

613
00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:47,840
Speaker 4: It's ironic. It's ironic you in.

614
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:49,439
Speaker 1: The army and then you come home and you're not

615
00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:51,639
Speaker 1: even from home. You in Houston, beef and get shot.

616
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:52,639
Speaker 4: It's crazy.

617
00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:55,280
Speaker 2: The war zones in our cities are more dangerous than overseas,

618
00:27:55,320 --> 00:28:00,000
Speaker 2: but that's another topic. But knowing my girl, knowing my girl,

619
00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:01,919
Speaker 2: I was in the middle of a shootout. I just

620
00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:04,440
Speaker 2: went into protection mode. I woke up in the hospital

621
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:06,440
Speaker 2: seeing her with not a scratch on her. It made

622
00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:08,840
Speaker 2: me very happy and relieved. I did not care how

623
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:12,280
Speaker 2: badly my body was damaged. I was only concerned about her.

624
00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:14,760
Speaker 2: I know she loves me because she wouldn't leave my

625
00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:17,359
Speaker 2: side in the hospital, even when my family offered to

626
00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:19,119
Speaker 2: watch over me so she can catch a break and

627
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:22,200
Speaker 2: she refused. I always had respect for her, but seeing

628
00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:25,879
Speaker 2: that side made me develop more. I don't feel like

629
00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:28,480
Speaker 2: it's the same for her. When I speak my mind,

630
00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:30,760
Speaker 2: I feel like it's met with her being reactive to

631
00:28:30,800 --> 00:28:33,520
Speaker 2: what I say. I've attempted to change the way I

632
00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:36,879
Speaker 2: speak to her several times with the same outcome. It

633
00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:40,479
Speaker 2: feels like if I have an opinion, I'm automatically labeled

634
00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:45,560
Speaker 2: as sensitive. She gets upset as if she feels like

635
00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:48,440
Speaker 2: I'm trying to attack her attack her, and I truly

636
00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:52,640
Speaker 2: don't understand there.

637
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:58,200
Speaker 3: I'm just bringing me back. I got PTSD.

638
00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:01,680
Speaker 4: Like that on to this so we can give this

639
00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:04,840
Speaker 4: brother some advice. Not gonna lie.

640
00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:06,720
Speaker 2: It hurts because I feel like we both should be

641
00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:09,360
Speaker 2: at the point with a mutual respect considering what we've

642
00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:11,239
Speaker 2: been through. I kind of expect her to see how

643
00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:14,200
Speaker 2: much I loved her after what happened, since it seemed

644
00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:16,600
Speaker 2: that she didn't understand how much I cared about her.

645
00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:20,000
Speaker 4: But it don't seem like she does. I hate arguing.

646
00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:21,040
Speaker 4: I'm very logical.

647
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:24,040
Speaker 2: I don't like to hold on to stuff, especially going

648
00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:27,240
Speaker 2: through that experience of almost losing my life without saying goodbye.

649
00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:30,440
Speaker 2: I do not want to take it for granted. Deval

650
00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:32,920
Speaker 2: As a man, what are your thoughts at this point?

651
00:29:33,360 --> 00:29:35,360
Speaker 2: I just want to I want to just close off

652
00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:37,400
Speaker 2: my opinion to her and just deal with it on

653
00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:38,320
Speaker 2: my own.

654
00:29:38,560 --> 00:29:39,800
Speaker 4: Kadeen, as.

655
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:43,920
Speaker 3: This is our demanded, Go ahead, finish, finish.

656
00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:47,040
Speaker 2: Kadeen as a woman, what do you think any experience

657
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:50,480
Speaker 2: with being reactive or defensive and how it changed the value?

658
00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:51,720
Speaker 4: Got whiplash?

659
00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:56,760
Speaker 2: You definitely just got whiplash. I just appreciate y'all, and

660
00:29:56,880 --> 00:29:58,840
Speaker 2: please don't stop spreading the word.

661
00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:01,560
Speaker 4: Y'all's wisdom and love to the world.

662
00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:05,320
Speaker 1: Go ahead, no no no no no no no no

663
00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:09,440
Speaker 1: no no. Okay, I'll go first since you insist, so

664
00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:12,960
Speaker 1: my man, first of all, go ahead, Thank you for

665
00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:13,600
Speaker 1: your service.

666
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:14,520
Speaker 3: Okay.

667
00:30:15,080 --> 00:30:19,080
Speaker 1: We have liberties and freedoms here in America because people

668
00:30:19,120 --> 00:30:23,080
Speaker 1: like yourself choose to go overseas and protect us appreciate you.

669
00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:25,360
Speaker 1: Got to say that first and foremost, because anybody in

670
00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:31,760
Speaker 1: the Arms Service always has my utmost respectolutely. Secondly, do

671
00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:35,640
Speaker 1: not give up on your girl. Okay, Kadeen and I

672
00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:39,560
Speaker 1: have been together for twenty two years. Okay, twenty two years.

673
00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:42,920
Speaker 1: She didn't realize what I felt and how I felt

674
00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:46,600
Speaker 1: until about three years ago. So for nineteen years, am

675
00:30:46,600 --> 00:30:50,120
Speaker 1: I lying? I'm a lying right now? For nineteen years,

676
00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:52,640
Speaker 1: I've been explaining to her, like yo, I feel like

677
00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:54,880
Speaker 1: I can't have an opinion because the minute I have

678
00:30:54,920 --> 00:30:58,120
Speaker 1: an opinion, you start crying. You get defensive. What am

679
00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:00,760
Speaker 1: I supposed to do? I even went through the whole

680
00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:02,960
Speaker 1: I'm just not gonna say nothing. I'm gonna deal with

681
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:04,840
Speaker 1: it on my own. That don't help.

682
00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:06,280
Speaker 4: Literally have ever bade him.

683
00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:08,239
Speaker 2: So that's why he's reacting the way he's acted to

684
00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:09,880
Speaker 2: what you wrote, because he's like, I'm just gonna deal

685
00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:12,080
Speaker 2: with it on my own, and that's accurate.

686
00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:12,960
Speaker 3: And I've tried to deal it on my own.

687
00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:14,120
Speaker 1: You know what happens when you try to deal it

688
00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:16,720
Speaker 1: on your own, you get pissed because you like, now

689
00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:19,440
Speaker 1: it seems like you don't even care, right, I'm like,

690
00:31:19,560 --> 00:31:21,239
Speaker 1: I'm trying to deal with this. It's something we have

691
00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:23,000
Speaker 1: to go through in our relationship, and you want me

692
00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:23,880
Speaker 1: to deal with it on my own.

693
00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:26,040
Speaker 3: You don't care? And she used to say to me, devout,

694
00:31:26,080 --> 00:31:26,600
Speaker 3: I do care.

695
00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:28,480
Speaker 1: I really And I used to tell her this too,

696
00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:30,920
Speaker 1: I really feel like I love you more than you

697
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:33,400
Speaker 1: love me. And she used to be like, wow, how

698
00:31:33,400 --> 00:31:35,400
Speaker 1: would you say that? I say, because I'm not allowed

699
00:31:35,760 --> 00:31:38,320
Speaker 1: to have an opinion. I'm not allowed to tell you

700
00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:41,560
Speaker 1: how I feel because I'm automatically seeing as sensitive or

701
00:31:41,840 --> 00:31:44,920
Speaker 1: called bitching. But then when I don't talk, then it's

702
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:50,280
Speaker 1: you shut down, sir. Listen to me, bro. They've been together,

703
00:31:50,320 --> 00:31:50,640
Speaker 1: how long?

704
00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:52,160
Speaker 3: It says? Uh?

705
00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:55,760
Speaker 4: Seven years? Three long distance choo this high school?

706
00:31:55,840 --> 00:31:58,040
Speaker 3: Yeah you twenty four. Y'all are in the.

707
00:31:58,200 --> 00:32:02,120
Speaker 1: Infant stages of life, the infant stages.

708
00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:05,400
Speaker 4: Yeah, they started dating.

709
00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:07,760
Speaker 3: Y'all didn't even know each other. Y'all still don't know

710
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:10,080
Speaker 3: each other, y'all twenty four and twenty three, y'all.

711
00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:12,160
Speaker 4: Won't know each other for another decade at least.

712
00:32:12,240 --> 00:32:14,000
Speaker 1: And the reason why I'm saying it like this is

713
00:32:14,000 --> 00:32:15,880
Speaker 1: because I don't want you to give up one each

714
00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:19,880
Speaker 1: other because things are not happening now in the early twenties.

715
00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:23,200
Speaker 1: It's gonna happen, bro, because, like you said, that woman

716
00:32:23,240 --> 00:32:24,880
Speaker 1: didn't want to leave your side when you got shot

717
00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:27,560
Speaker 1: six times, which means her love for you is different

718
00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:28,720
Speaker 1: than what you think it is.

719
00:32:29,120 --> 00:32:31,120
Speaker 3: Right. We all have love languages. Right.

720
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:33,840
Speaker 1: How you represent your love to her through protection was

721
00:32:33,880 --> 00:32:36,440
Speaker 1: your way of representing it. How she shows her love

722
00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:38,239
Speaker 1: for you is protection, but it's in a different way.

723
00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:39,720
Speaker 1: She said, I don't care if your family say I'm

724
00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:42,600
Speaker 1: staying with you. Y'all have something for each other that's

725
00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:45,360
Speaker 1: hard to find, and that's mental fortitude to be there

726
00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:48,120
Speaker 1: for each other. Continue with that through your twenties and

727
00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:50,200
Speaker 1: your thirties, and I guarantee you y'all will find a

728
00:32:50,240 --> 00:32:50,560
Speaker 1: way to.

729
00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:51,000
Speaker 3: Make it work.

730
00:32:51,240 --> 00:32:55,120
Speaker 1: Please, don't give up. Everything you're going through is absolutely normal.

731
00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:58,440
Speaker 1: She's a young woman, you're a young man. Yeah, it's normal.

732
00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:01,400
Speaker 2: Trust me, and we tendally with emotion a lot of

733
00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:06,320
Speaker 2: the time, Bro, I completely understand where you're coming from.

734
00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:10,720
Speaker 2: It literally feels like this is Kadeen. Yeah, this is

735
00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:13,880
Speaker 2: Deval and Kadeen. Like Davel said, maybe even five years ago. Yes,

736
00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:17,560
Speaker 2: that would have said the same exact thing. It may

737
00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:20,240
Speaker 2: be worth it for you to have the conversation with

738
00:33:20,280 --> 00:33:24,880
Speaker 2: her or even to observe her family dynamic, because I

739
00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:27,680
Speaker 2: recently said to de Val because he asked me, He's like,

740
00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:30,120
Speaker 2: what changed so drastically was you in the past, like

741
00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:32,920
Speaker 2: two three years? Like it feels like now you're allowing

742
00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:35,680
Speaker 2: me the space to say how I feel without getting

743
00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:38,840
Speaker 2: defensive or reactive or feeling the need to give an excuse.

744
00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:39,840
Speaker 3: Can I jump in real quick?

745
00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:40,360
Speaker 4: Yeah?

746
00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:42,320
Speaker 1: I think it's important that I jump in and say

747
00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:44,400
Speaker 1: this because when she first started doing that, I thought

748
00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:46,880
Speaker 1: she was being passive aggressive. Well, I thought she was

749
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:50,440
Speaker 1: just ignoring me because she was finally just listening, not arguing,

750
00:33:50,520 --> 00:33:52,840
Speaker 1: but then applying it. Yes, so when she does start

751
00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:55,200
Speaker 1: to listen, don't take it back as if she's just

752
00:33:55,280 --> 00:33:58,160
Speaker 1: doing it. And I want to make that very clear

753
00:33:58,200 --> 00:34:00,600
Speaker 1: because that happened to a couple of my friends. They

754
00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:03,200
Speaker 1: said after speaking to their wives out of know where,

755
00:34:03,240 --> 00:34:05,239
Speaker 1: she just started changing the behavior, and it was just like,

756
00:34:06,120 --> 00:34:08,120
Speaker 1: I don't know if she's being condescending or she's trying.

757
00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:08,560
Speaker 3: To prove a point.

758
00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:10,560
Speaker 4: I said, said that to me sometimes yeah.

759
00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:13,600
Speaker 3: And I said, or maybe she's listening.

760
00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:15,520
Speaker 2: Right, trying to be an active listener, trying to be

761
00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:18,920
Speaker 2: act listener and not listening to respond. And that's that's

762
00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:22,080
Speaker 2: eventually what had to happen with me. So Deval and

763
00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:24,759
Speaker 2: I recently, he was like, what changed in you that,

764
00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:26,640
Speaker 2: like all of a sudden it clicked, Like I've been

765
00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:29,000
Speaker 2: saying the same thing to you for years and we've

766
00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:32,200
Speaker 2: been trying to work through this, And I said, I

767
00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:39,359
Speaker 2: finally addressed within myself and acknowledged my upbringing my mom

768
00:34:39,400 --> 00:34:42,799
Speaker 2: for example, with this desire to be perfect that was

769
00:34:42,840 --> 00:34:46,040
Speaker 2: then passed down to me. We've spoken on previous episodes

770
00:34:46,040 --> 00:34:48,960
Speaker 2: about my mom and her upbringing. So I realized that

771
00:34:49,239 --> 00:34:54,000
Speaker 2: taking accountability in situations was not my forte. Like I

772
00:34:54,239 --> 00:34:59,719
Speaker 2: rather deflect in devoused words, get defensive and indefensive. To me,

773
00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:03,120
Speaker 2: that was just me explaining my point or telling you

774
00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:08,000
Speaker 2: how I arrived at my particular decision. That was what

775
00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:10,680
Speaker 2: I needed to do. That was my defense mechanism because

776
00:35:10,760 --> 00:35:14,200
Speaker 2: I was now deemed not perfect, or I've done something wrong,

777
00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:17,040
Speaker 2: or I've done something to upset him. So that's why

778
00:35:17,239 --> 00:35:19,960
Speaker 2: defensiveness was always my go to because I had a

779
00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:24,399
Speaker 2: hard time accepting accountability once I was able to say, damn,

780
00:35:24,480 --> 00:35:26,640
Speaker 2: this is my life partner, This is the person who

781
00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:30,279
Speaker 2: I want to openly express how I feel too, and

782
00:35:30,360 --> 00:35:33,040
Speaker 2: vice versa. When we live in a world, in a

783
00:35:33,040 --> 00:35:36,560
Speaker 2: society where black men in particular are silenced or not

784
00:35:36,760 --> 00:35:40,640
Speaker 2: encouraged to say how they feel. I wanted to create

785
00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:43,360
Speaker 2: a space where my husband felt that sense of peace

786
00:35:43,440 --> 00:35:47,400
Speaker 2: and that wanting and the desire to unleash how he felt.

787
00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:49,719
Speaker 4: So how am I going to make that environment comfortable

788
00:35:49,719 --> 00:35:50,080
Speaker 4: for him?

789
00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:53,400
Speaker 2: If I'm not actively listening, if I'm only listening to respond,

790
00:35:53,840 --> 00:35:56,400
Speaker 2: if I'm getting defensive, if I'm crying and making it

791
00:35:56,440 --> 00:35:59,720
Speaker 2: about me like I've really had to control my emotions

792
00:35:59,719 --> 00:36:02,600
Speaker 2: in those circumstances to the point where sometimes I could

793
00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:04,520
Speaker 2: feel myself starting to bubble over.

794
00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:07,120
Speaker 4: Just excuse myself from the room.

795
00:36:07,320 --> 00:36:10,160
Speaker 3: Where you're going, Where you're going, I'm going to.

796
00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:11,759
Speaker 4: Just run a bathroom. Just run in a bathroom, and

797
00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:12,720
Speaker 4: I would go to the bathroom.

798
00:36:12,719 --> 00:36:14,560
Speaker 2: I'll let out whatever I had to let out, because

799
00:36:14,600 --> 00:36:17,760
Speaker 2: I didn't want the focus, which naturally tended to shift

800
00:36:17,760 --> 00:36:21,000
Speaker 2: in most circumstances, from deval going to be concerned about

801
00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:23,600
Speaker 2: something he feels to then now saying damn, okay, are

802
00:36:23,600 --> 00:36:26,000
Speaker 2: you okay? I never wanted it to be a deflection,

803
00:36:26,239 --> 00:36:28,920
Speaker 2: so I had to really work on controlling my emotions

804
00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:31,520
Speaker 2: and really just sitting back and listening and trying to

805
00:36:31,640 --> 00:36:35,000
Speaker 2: understand his perspective. And then we may not agree, but

806
00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:37,960
Speaker 2: at least he felt heard, he felt seen, he felt loved.

807
00:36:37,960 --> 00:36:40,440
Speaker 4: At the end of it, well, I gained a greater

808
00:36:40,600 --> 00:36:41,840
Speaker 4: understanding for how you felt.

809
00:36:41,920 --> 00:36:45,040
Speaker 1: Legitimately, it wasn't only that I wanted you to agree.

810
00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:47,760
Speaker 1: I just wanted you to understand where I was coming from.

811
00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:50,040
Speaker 2: But I feel like that's what I was expecting too

812
00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:53,120
Speaker 2: from you, Like I'm going to explain to you why

813
00:36:53,160 --> 00:36:55,560
Speaker 2: I did this or how I arrived here, because I

814
00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:57,800
Speaker 2: want you to genuinely understand that it wasn't in malice.

815
00:36:57,880 --> 00:36:58,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I understand that.

816
00:36:58,719 --> 00:37:00,960
Speaker 1: But if I'm coming to you because I am having

817
00:37:01,040 --> 00:37:04,279
Speaker 1: an issue, when you immediately go to well, you need

818
00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:06,360
Speaker 1: to understand where I'm coming from, It's like, wait a minute,

819
00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:08,439
Speaker 1: I'm coming to you with a issue. Will he had

820
00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:10,560
Speaker 1: that second, But it has to be about what you

821
00:37:10,560 --> 00:37:12,160
Speaker 1: want first, that's.

822
00:37:11,920 --> 00:37:15,760
Speaker 4: What me and I never or how that make you feel.

823
00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:17,640
Speaker 3: But then also and I want him to be clear.

824
00:37:18,040 --> 00:37:20,279
Speaker 1: Once you did start to change and listen, and I'll

825
00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:22,000
Speaker 1: be telling you how I feel, and you wouldn't you

826
00:37:22,080 --> 00:37:24,400
Speaker 1: be stoic at times and I'd be like, do you

827
00:37:24,480 --> 00:37:26,279
Speaker 1: even care? And you like, I do care, but you

828
00:37:26,400 --> 00:37:27,759
Speaker 1: used to say that I cut you off all the

829
00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:29,800
Speaker 1: time you said that, I would try to get defensive.

830
00:37:29,840 --> 00:37:30,640
Speaker 3: So I'm trying to listen.

831
00:37:30,880 --> 00:37:33,200
Speaker 1: And it took me a couple months to be like, like, yo,

832
00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:35,839
Speaker 1: she actually is trying to implement the things we worked on.

833
00:37:36,120 --> 00:37:39,040
Speaker 1: And at first I wasn't accepting of it. I thought

834
00:37:39,040 --> 00:37:41,480
Speaker 1: that you were being not what's the word not not condescending,

835
00:37:41,719 --> 00:37:45,719
Speaker 1: like dismissive, being dismissive, but also like like, okay, you

836
00:37:45,719 --> 00:37:49,080
Speaker 1: wan me to listen, I'm listening by patronizing me, I

837
00:37:49,120 --> 00:37:51,839
Speaker 1: thought you were patronizing me, which and I want them

838
00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:55,640
Speaker 1: to understand that once she starts, don't automatically assume that

839
00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:58,400
Speaker 1: that she's patronizing you, because then that becomes another issue,

840
00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:01,000
Speaker 1: because that became an issue for us for a couple months.

841
00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:02,200
Speaker 1: And I was like, you don't even care. Look, you're

842
00:38:02,239 --> 00:38:04,359
Speaker 1: just sitting there, and she's like, devalu, you don't want

843
00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:05,960
Speaker 1: me to cry? You don't want me to tell you how,

844
00:38:06,080 --> 00:38:08,600
Speaker 1: I said, no, I want you to at least say

845
00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:10,560
Speaker 1: that you understand where I'm coming from.

846
00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:11,920
Speaker 4: Right, And then I felt like it wasn't enough to

847
00:38:11,960 --> 00:38:13,239
Speaker 4: just be like I'm gonna listen.

848
00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:15,440
Speaker 2: Yeah, baby, I understand. And then he would say to me,

849
00:38:15,440 --> 00:38:17,200
Speaker 2: you don't understand. You just pacifying me right now. You

850
00:38:17,280 --> 00:38:20,080
Speaker 2: justcerned to end the conversation, and I'm like, right, no,

851
00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:23,600
Speaker 2: You've been craving and asking for me to listen to you,

852
00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:25,960
Speaker 2: and I'm genuinely trying to listen to you.

853
00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:28,319
Speaker 4: And yes, had a moment where I clicked because I'm like,

854
00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:29,080
Speaker 4: I can't.

855
00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:33,120
Speaker 2: Continue for another twenty two years doing the same thing

856
00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:34,600
Speaker 2: that we've been doing. And a lot of it, I

857
00:38:34,600 --> 00:38:37,600
Speaker 2: think was, like I said, growth on my part, y'all,

858
00:38:37,600 --> 00:38:39,359
Speaker 2: I'll being tired of talking about the same shit over

859
00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:40,200
Speaker 2: and over over again.

860
00:38:40,480 --> 00:38:42,160
Speaker 1: Part he wasn't only one that had to grow. We

861
00:38:42,200 --> 00:38:43,440
Speaker 1: both had to grow because I had to learn how

862
00:38:43,440 --> 00:38:45,160
Speaker 1: to accept it. I was asking for it, yes, and

863
00:38:45,200 --> 00:38:46,440
Speaker 1: then when you first tried to get it to me,

864
00:38:46,520 --> 00:38:47,440
Speaker 1: I didn't know how to accept it.

865
00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:49,680
Speaker 2: So it's and then me working on myself and looking

866
00:38:49,719 --> 00:38:52,200
Speaker 2: internally and saying, why do I have a hard time

867
00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:55,839
Speaker 2: like conducting myself in the manner that needs to be,

868
00:38:56,320 --> 00:38:58,520
Speaker 2: you know, conducive to this relationship working, where I can

869
00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:01,880
Speaker 2: listen to my spouse and then consider how he feels

870
00:39:02,000 --> 00:39:04,239
Speaker 2: and then not take that as an attack because I

871
00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:09,920
Speaker 2: val said too, I can compliment you Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursdays,

872
00:39:09,920 --> 00:39:13,680
Speaker 2: something may not go as planned, and I SAYK, hey,

873
00:39:14,239 --> 00:39:17,640
Speaker 2: you know X y Z happened and it didn't make

874
00:39:17,680 --> 00:39:20,160
Speaker 2: me feel good, and then that doesn't negate the fact

875
00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:21,759
Speaker 2: that you did well all week, And I had to

876
00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:23,719
Speaker 2: also take that in and say, you know what, You're right, like,

877
00:39:23,760 --> 00:39:26,040
Speaker 2: you're entitled to have a moment where you're not agreeing

878
00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:28,399
Speaker 2: with something that I've done because it's happened to me too.

879
00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:30,359
Speaker 2: Where I can let you know how I feeling. You've

880
00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:32,920
Speaker 2: made me feel safe to say that. So good luck

881
00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:36,200
Speaker 2: to you, bro. You and your girlfriend been together all

882
00:39:36,239 --> 00:39:37,560
Speaker 2: this time, got a house together.

883
00:39:37,680 --> 00:39:39,120
Speaker 3: Yeah, only twenty three and twenty four.

884
00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:46,279
Speaker 1: We've had moments of enlightenment through our relationship, which means

885
00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:49,120
Speaker 1: now at forty, we're starting to understand things because we

886
00:39:49,160 --> 00:39:51,279
Speaker 1: had to go through it for twenty two years. You're

887
00:39:51,320 --> 00:39:53,920
Speaker 1: only twenty three and twenty four. We've been in a

888
00:39:53,920 --> 00:39:58,360
Speaker 1: relationship as long as you've been alive. Like, think about it.

889
00:39:58,360 --> 00:40:01,640
Speaker 1: It takes experience in try error. It's just like any

890
00:40:01,680 --> 00:40:02,600
Speaker 1: scientific notion.

891
00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:02,960
Speaker 3: Right.

892
00:40:03,239 --> 00:40:05,920
Speaker 1: Einstein didn't just come up with these ideas and say

893
00:40:05,960 --> 00:40:08,640
Speaker 1: I figured it out. No, he failed time and time

894
00:40:08,719 --> 00:40:11,440
Speaker 1: and time again, and with each failure was a lesson

895
00:40:11,440 --> 00:40:13,799
Speaker 1: that he learned and apply to finally figure it out.

896
00:40:13,840 --> 00:40:15,640
Speaker 3: Ha, here's the light bulb. You know.

897
00:40:15,680 --> 00:40:19,040
Speaker 1: What I'm saying is that aha moment comes over time

898
00:40:19,239 --> 00:40:21,719
Speaker 1: trial and error. So don't be down on each other.

899
00:40:21,880 --> 00:40:24,640
Speaker 1: Enjoy the process of trial and error. Love on each other.

900
00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:27,120
Speaker 4: Yes, you know, because you were definitely here for reasons.

901
00:40:27,520 --> 00:40:30,719
Speaker 3: Absolutely, Son, many men that they couldn't get it.

902
00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:32,200
Speaker 4: Done being period period.

903
00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:36,399
Speaker 1: All right, Well, I understand his perspective completely, but as

904
00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:39,320
Speaker 1: an older just I hate saying that as an older

905
00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:43,200
Speaker 1: that's as a seasoned, as a married gentleman. Now I

906
00:40:43,239 --> 00:40:46,359
Speaker 1: don't look at that as daunting as I did when

907
00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:48,279
Speaker 1: I was in my twenties, because in your twenties and

908
00:40:48,400 --> 00:40:50,960
Speaker 1: even your early thirties, your fear is that this is

909
00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:52,920
Speaker 1: going to be the rest of my life. And what

910
00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:55,640
Speaker 1: I can assure people after going through this is that

911
00:40:55,680 --> 00:40:58,360
Speaker 1: if you have a partner that rocks with you like

912
00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:01,040
Speaker 1: K rocks with me the way I rock with her,

913
00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:04,080
Speaker 1: nothing has to be your whole life if you're committed

914
00:41:04,160 --> 00:41:05,200
Speaker 1: to working on it together.

915
00:41:05,680 --> 00:41:08,960
Speaker 4: Agreed, you know. So yep that's I.

916
00:41:08,880 --> 00:41:10,120
Speaker 3: Hope that helped a lot.

917
00:41:10,280 --> 00:41:11,360
Speaker 4: All right, next month.

918
00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:13,880
Speaker 3: Number four, Hi, Kadeen and Devo.

919
00:41:14,239 --> 00:41:15,560
Speaker 1: I just want to say I love you guys so

920
00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:17,560
Speaker 1: much and try to put everyone I come across on

921
00:41:17,640 --> 00:41:18,040
Speaker 1: to y'all.

922
00:41:18,040 --> 00:41:19,560
Speaker 3: Thank you so much. We appreciate you.

923
00:41:19,600 --> 00:41:20,120
Speaker 4: I'spad.

924
00:41:20,840 --> 00:41:23,080
Speaker 1: I've been listening to the Dead Ass podcast since the

925
00:41:23,120 --> 00:41:26,840
Speaker 1: beginning with the capital b EGI n N I n G.

926
00:41:27,600 --> 00:41:30,000
Speaker 1: I've watched you guys grow as individuals and come together

927
00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:31,160
Speaker 1: and be stronger as a couple.

928
00:41:31,280 --> 00:41:31,640
Speaker 3: Family.

929
00:41:31,960 --> 00:41:33,840
Speaker 1: You guys are my oldest siblings in my head, so

930
00:41:33,960 --> 00:41:36,960
Speaker 1: actually hearing what you both have to say is important

931
00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:39,719
Speaker 1: to me. Okay, So I wanted to ask you both

932
00:41:39,719 --> 00:41:41,759
Speaker 1: a question and see if you can help me see

933
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:44,520
Speaker 1: things from a different pov. I listened to the podcast

934
00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:47,759
Speaker 1: season fourteen, episode seven Till Death Do What's Part. During

935
00:41:47,760 --> 00:41:50,240
Speaker 1: the episode, y'all spoke on allowing your spouse as friends

936
00:41:50,280 --> 00:41:53,120
Speaker 1: to the room for them to change and if you

937
00:41:53,160 --> 00:41:55,719
Speaker 1: support them, then let them know. And if you are

938
00:41:55,760 --> 00:41:58,480
Speaker 1: content with where you are, let them grow and evolve,

939
00:41:58,520 --> 00:42:00,839
Speaker 1: but don't stand in the way. I'm a twenty six

940
00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:03,759
Speaker 1: year old woman and have had experiences with both spouses

941
00:42:03,760 --> 00:42:06,120
Speaker 1: and friends wanting to elevate and evolve with things in

942
00:42:06,160 --> 00:42:08,319
Speaker 1: life and not stick to what we would usually do.

943
00:42:08,800 --> 00:42:12,319
Speaker 1: Of Course, naturally, I questioned the change, not to stop them,

944
00:42:12,360 --> 00:42:15,000
Speaker 1: but to see where it's coming from, see why they

945
00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:17,880
Speaker 1: wanted to Each time, I've been supportive and understanding as

946
00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:20,640
Speaker 1: well as open to learning what they are trying to do,

947
00:42:20,680 --> 00:42:23,160
Speaker 1: so that we still have a connection in something. I

948
00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:25,480
Speaker 1: also it also gives me a chance to see a

949
00:42:25,480 --> 00:42:27,840
Speaker 1: different pov of the life that might change in me

950
00:42:28,200 --> 00:42:30,319
Speaker 1: in a good way too. That's really, really, really good.

951
00:42:31,680 --> 00:42:34,279
Speaker 1: Right now, I'm single, but I had two boyfriends my

952
00:42:34,320 --> 00:42:38,160
Speaker 1: whole life, one for eight years, ages sixteen to twenty two,

953
00:42:38,160 --> 00:42:40,640
Speaker 1: and another for three years, ages twenty three to twenty six.

954
00:42:40,680 --> 00:42:43,319
Speaker 1: With both relationships, they wanted to change and evolve, and

955
00:42:43,320 --> 00:42:45,960
Speaker 1: I encouraged to supported them with their changes. I wouldn't

956
00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:49,560
Speaker 1: find out until later in both relationship that the change

957
00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:52,839
Speaker 1: was to pique interest in another female. I had a

958
00:42:52,840 --> 00:42:55,279
Speaker 1: friend of ten years, ages thirteen to twenty three, who

959
00:42:55,280 --> 00:42:58,400
Speaker 1: decided to stop doing what all young people do at

960
00:42:58,400 --> 00:43:00,239
Speaker 1: twenty two and give her life to the Lord. I

961
00:43:00,280 --> 00:43:03,359
Speaker 1: respected her changes and was very open to learning what

962
00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:05,759
Speaker 1: she was getting into and didn't do anything around her

963
00:43:05,840 --> 00:43:09,320
Speaker 1: that I felt wasn't aligned with her now new life path.

964
00:43:09,400 --> 00:43:11,839
Speaker 1: That's extremely supportive and shout out to you for that.

965
00:43:12,600 --> 00:43:15,040
Speaker 1: She began pulling away. I didn't realize at first, and

966
00:43:15,080 --> 00:43:17,320
Speaker 1: after a couple of months of ghosting me, she texted

967
00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:18,960
Speaker 1: me that she can't be friends with me because I

968
00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:23,040
Speaker 1: smoke and was having pre mariter relations with my then boyfriend.

969
00:43:23,120 --> 00:43:25,399
Speaker 1: A year later, she ended up doing everything she used

970
00:43:25,400 --> 00:43:28,239
Speaker 1: to engage in before her life changed and wanted to

971
00:43:28,280 --> 00:43:31,080
Speaker 1: hang out, but I wasn't comfortable with being friends with

972
00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:34,080
Speaker 1: her anymore. That's fair, I want to add. While each

973
00:43:34,080 --> 00:43:36,960
Speaker 1: person wanted to evolve, I was also changing. I was

974
00:43:36,960 --> 00:43:39,560
Speaker 1: not content being where I was either, and was doing

975
00:43:39,560 --> 00:43:42,160
Speaker 1: what I needed to do to get there. Hallelujah. You

976
00:43:42,200 --> 00:43:45,080
Speaker 1: should graduated high school, went to college for a year.

977
00:43:45,280 --> 00:43:47,160
Speaker 1: I didn't like it, so I went to a trade school.

978
00:43:47,239 --> 00:43:49,760
Speaker 1: I rocked with that to still be better in life,

979
00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:52,319
Speaker 1: got my first car, worked as a dental assistant, then

980
00:43:52,400 --> 00:43:54,879
Speaker 1: went to intersecurity because saliva was.

981
00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:55,560
Speaker 3: Not my thing.

982
00:43:56,520 --> 00:43:59,440
Speaker 1: Now I'm working as a really good, high paying job

983
00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:02,399
Speaker 1: and contemplating being a cop once again.

984
00:44:02,440 --> 00:44:03,840
Speaker 3: If you do that, thank you for your service. I

985
00:44:03,840 --> 00:44:05,440
Speaker 3: have plenty of police officers in my family.

986
00:44:05,719 --> 00:44:07,920
Speaker 1: Deval, you said to use discernment when it comes to

987
00:44:07,920 --> 00:44:09,840
Speaker 1: giving people your time and being open to seeing a

988
00:44:09,880 --> 00:44:11,840
Speaker 1: different POV from your spouse or friend.

989
00:44:12,520 --> 00:44:13,600
Speaker 3: What am I doing wrong?

990
00:44:13,719 --> 00:44:16,880
Speaker 1: I know I shouldn't question myself about what they're doing,

991
00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:19,680
Speaker 1: But if I'm being supportive, understanding and open to them teaching,

992
00:44:19,719 --> 00:44:22,960
Speaker 1: showing me about what their next want in life is,

993
00:44:23,239 --> 00:44:25,880
Speaker 1: why do they leave me where I'm at? Am I

994
00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:28,520
Speaker 1: not good enough for them to bring me along? I

995
00:44:28,600 --> 00:44:32,040
Speaker 1: push everyone around me to be and do better in life,

996
00:44:32,080 --> 00:44:33,960
Speaker 1: but all I get in return is being told I

997
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:36,359
Speaker 1: can't do this, I can't do that. Am I not

998
00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:37,640
Speaker 1: using my discernment right?

999
00:44:37,960 --> 00:44:40,320
Speaker 3: No? You're actually using your discernment perfectly.

1000
00:44:40,680 --> 00:44:42,439
Speaker 1: It just seems like I do so much and care

1001
00:44:42,520 --> 00:44:44,520
Speaker 1: so much for people who come into my life. How

1002
00:44:44,520 --> 00:44:46,520
Speaker 1: do I put myself in space with people who pour

1003
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:49,400
Speaker 1: into me and not those who don't support me the

1004
00:44:49,440 --> 00:44:50,359
Speaker 1: way I support them?

1005
00:44:50,400 --> 00:44:52,440
Speaker 3: Girl? You are actually learning.

1006
00:44:52,880 --> 00:44:56,279
Speaker 1: You're learning these people removing themselvesly finished, thank you both

1007
00:44:56,320 --> 00:44:58,319
Speaker 1: for taking the time out to help me with this

1008
00:44:58,760 --> 00:45:01,200
Speaker 1: and that I can do and what I can do differently,

1009
00:45:01,239 --> 00:45:03,600
Speaker 1: I love y'all so much. And thank you to everyone

1010
00:45:03,680 --> 00:45:06,520
Speaker 1: behind the scenes who help put this all together. That's

1011
00:45:06,520 --> 00:45:09,239
Speaker 1: a shout out to Matt Josh.

1012
00:45:09,520 --> 00:45:10,839
Speaker 4: Yes, Oh my god.

1013
00:45:11,320 --> 00:45:13,279
Speaker 2: One particular portion of this, I felt like I was

1014
00:45:13,320 --> 00:45:14,839
Speaker 2: reading a part of my life from where I had

1015
00:45:14,840 --> 00:45:15,120
Speaker 2: a friend.

1016
00:45:15,200 --> 00:45:17,919
Speaker 3: I know, I know exactly when she said, I.

1017
00:45:17,880 --> 00:45:22,719
Speaker 2: Was like, yes, so I can totally relate to you

1018
00:45:22,800 --> 00:45:26,520
Speaker 2: here because I had a friend for years.

1019
00:45:26,880 --> 00:45:29,000
Speaker 4: We were in dance schools together when we were babies.

1020
00:45:29,640 --> 00:45:33,160
Speaker 2: We ended up you know, parting ways as babies, you know,

1021
00:45:33,239 --> 00:45:38,359
Speaker 2: as people do, and eventually later on in life reconnected

1022
00:45:38,440 --> 00:45:40,799
Speaker 2: through through mutual people, and it was just like, oh

1023
00:45:40,800 --> 00:45:42,239
Speaker 2: my god, I can't believe this is the same person.

1024
00:45:42,239 --> 00:45:43,840
Speaker 2: Our mom was like, oh my god, I can't believe.

1025
00:45:43,840 --> 00:45:47,719
Speaker 2: Like we literally had pictures in ballet recitals together at

1026
00:45:47,760 --> 00:45:50,680
Speaker 2: three and four years old, became really really great friends

1027
00:45:50,719 --> 00:45:53,120
Speaker 2: and all of that, super close I would say, best

1028
00:45:53,120 --> 00:45:56,800
Speaker 2: friend status, and then shortly after I had Cairo, little

1029
00:45:56,800 --> 00:46:00,560
Speaker 2: by little, she just started to kind of pull back. Yeah,

1030
00:46:00,600 --> 00:46:03,239
Speaker 2: the communication got less and all of that. And I

1031
00:46:03,320 --> 00:46:05,920
Speaker 2: knew that she was on a particular path with her

1032
00:46:05,960 --> 00:46:08,120
Speaker 2: religion and with the Lord, and I was like in

1033
00:46:08,200 --> 00:46:10,480
Speaker 2: full support of it, to the point where I said,

1034
00:46:10,760 --> 00:46:12,960
Speaker 2: if the things that we were doing before, which meant

1035
00:46:13,000 --> 00:46:15,759
Speaker 2: literally we were going out Thursday, Friday and Saturday night,

1036
00:46:15,840 --> 00:46:19,440
Speaker 2: you know, drinking, party, having fun, dancing, that's what kids do,

1037
00:46:19,520 --> 00:46:22,080
Speaker 2: That's what we do in our twenties or whatever. And

1038
00:46:22,120 --> 00:46:23,799
Speaker 2: I had said to her, like, listen, if you're not

1039
00:46:23,840 --> 00:46:26,960
Speaker 2: comfortable in those environments anymore and they don't align with

1040
00:46:26,960 --> 00:46:30,000
Speaker 2: whatever you have going on, I totally respect that. I said,

1041
00:46:30,040 --> 00:46:31,799
Speaker 2: it doesn't have to be that for me to be

1042
00:46:31,880 --> 00:46:35,120
Speaker 2: your friend. We can literally you can come to the house.

1043
00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:36,160
Speaker 2: We can order in, we.

1044
00:46:36,120 --> 00:46:37,720
Speaker 3: Can the house.

1045
00:46:37,800 --> 00:46:38,160
Speaker 4: I did it.

1046
00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:39,920
Speaker 3: She came by, I had a conversation, she.

1047
00:46:39,920 --> 00:46:42,640
Speaker 2: Had a conversation. Everything was cool. It seemed like she

1048
00:46:42,719 --> 00:46:44,399
Speaker 2: helped me watch the baby at the time. I took

1049
00:46:44,440 --> 00:46:47,520
Speaker 2: a nap. We maybe ordered in, she brought over, you know,

1050
00:46:47,600 --> 00:46:50,279
Speaker 2: some food, and everything I thought was okay. And then

1051
00:46:50,320 --> 00:46:55,200
Speaker 2: slowly but surely ghosted, ghosted, like completely ghosted. The text

1052
00:46:55,200 --> 00:46:58,319
Speaker 2: messages became that much fewer, very generic like, hey, hope

1053
00:46:58,360 --> 00:47:00,759
Speaker 2: all is well, praying for you kind of thing. And

1054
00:47:01,200 --> 00:47:03,239
Speaker 2: I had a long time where I was looking at

1055
00:47:03,239 --> 00:47:05,480
Speaker 2: it like, man, maybe there was something that I did wrong.

1056
00:47:05,520 --> 00:47:08,279
Speaker 2: And I took it personally because I felt like, damn,

1057
00:47:08,280 --> 00:47:10,880
Speaker 2: there had to have been something that happened that I missed.

1058
00:47:11,560 --> 00:47:13,759
Speaker 2: And for a long time I dealt with grieving that

1059
00:47:13,840 --> 00:47:17,000
Speaker 2: friendship because I felt like, damn, like without any kind

1060
00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:20,000
Speaker 2: of explanation, this person who was such an avid part

1061
00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:22,960
Speaker 2: of my life just completely disappeared on me until I

1062
00:47:22,960 --> 00:47:25,120
Speaker 2: found out through speaking to more family and friends of hers,

1063
00:47:25,160 --> 00:47:27,000
Speaker 2: that she's kind of pulled away from everyone.

1064
00:47:27,160 --> 00:47:30,480
Speaker 1: And that's the key there is that sometimes we say

1065
00:47:30,600 --> 00:47:33,560
Speaker 1: what's wrong with us, right, not realizing that that person

1066
00:47:33,760 --> 00:47:36,600
Speaker 1: is going through something and they pulled away from.

1067
00:47:36,440 --> 00:47:40,400
Speaker 2: Everybody, everyone altogether. And the inclination is to want to

1068
00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:43,719
Speaker 2: blame yourself. And you have to realize ultimately that some

1069
00:47:43,719 --> 00:47:46,680
Speaker 2: people are just there seasonally for you. Some people are

1070
00:47:46,680 --> 00:47:49,000
Speaker 2: not meant to be there for the entire course of

1071
00:47:49,040 --> 00:47:52,280
Speaker 2: your life. If you're fortunate to find a friend or

1072
00:47:52,400 --> 00:47:55,239
Speaker 2: a spouse even who can be there for that timeframe,

1073
00:47:55,640 --> 00:47:58,960
Speaker 2: then that's great. But you feeling like you need to

1074
00:47:59,000 --> 00:48:02,240
Speaker 2: find the discernment to or you're looking for the discernment

1075
00:48:02,280 --> 00:48:03,920
Speaker 2: to pick the right people to pour into you.

1076
00:48:04,000 --> 00:48:05,160
Speaker 4: I think that's necessary.

1077
00:48:05,360 --> 00:48:05,959
Speaker 3: This is the point.

1078
00:48:06,000 --> 00:48:09,400
Speaker 1: If people are removing themselves from your life for whatever reason,

1079
00:48:09,640 --> 00:48:13,040
Speaker 1: whether it could be you or it's them, that is

1080
00:48:13,080 --> 00:48:17,279
Speaker 1: what discernment is. Yes, they remove themselves, I let them go.

1081
00:48:17,960 --> 00:48:20,759
Speaker 1: Not using discernment, it's chasing them down and saying we

1082
00:48:20,840 --> 00:48:23,399
Speaker 1: are supposed to be together exactly. And then now you're

1083
00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:26,200
Speaker 1: trying to force something that wasn't necessarily supposed to be

1084
00:48:26,239 --> 00:48:29,960
Speaker 1: there anyway. Once again, you're in your twenties, you'll realize

1085
00:48:30,080 --> 00:48:32,239
Speaker 1: and I understand the twenties. For a lot of people,

1086
00:48:32,320 --> 00:48:35,360
Speaker 1: it's like I'm no longer a teenager. I'm making my

1087
00:48:35,400 --> 00:48:39,680
Speaker 1: own money. This young lady has definitely been I mean,

1088
00:48:39,760 --> 00:48:41,479
Speaker 1: she went to college for one year, decides she didn't

1089
00:48:41,480 --> 00:48:43,480
Speaker 1: want to do that, went to trade school, changed from

1090
00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:46,000
Speaker 1: dentistry to now doing security, looking to be a police officer.

1091
00:48:46,040 --> 00:48:47,640
Speaker 3: She's trying to find her out.

1092
00:48:47,880 --> 00:48:50,600
Speaker 1: To be honest, young lady, you shouldn't be so focused

1093
00:48:50,640 --> 00:48:53,080
Speaker 1: on everyone else. You should be focused on creating the

1094
00:48:53,080 --> 00:48:57,439
Speaker 1: best version of yourself and then using discernment to see

1095
00:48:57,440 --> 00:48:59,439
Speaker 1: who you want to share your life with, whether that's

1096
00:48:59,560 --> 00:49:03,000
Speaker 1: friends or a significant other. But you're doing everything the

1097
00:49:03,080 --> 00:49:05,719
Speaker 1: right way, and the truth is doing things the right

1098
00:49:05,760 --> 00:49:07,920
Speaker 1: way sometimes is very lonely.

1099
00:49:08,200 --> 00:49:08,319
Speaker 2: Yes.

1100
00:49:08,719 --> 00:49:12,040
Speaker 1: One of the things I learned from Tyler Perry, who

1101
00:49:12,040 --> 00:49:14,839
Speaker 1: I speak to probably once a month, he says, Devo,

1102
00:49:15,000 --> 00:49:16,800
Speaker 1: it's lonely when you're trying to find yourself.

1103
00:49:16,880 --> 00:49:17,640
Speaker 3: I said, what do you mean.

1104
00:49:18,880 --> 00:49:21,920
Speaker 1: He's just like, when you're constantly spending time trying to

1105
00:49:21,920 --> 00:49:25,279
Speaker 1: be the best version of yourself and you're surrounded by

1106
00:49:25,280 --> 00:49:27,560
Speaker 1: people who are constantly trying to be the best version

1107
00:49:27,600 --> 00:49:30,000
Speaker 1: of themselves, you don't have a lot of time to

1108
00:49:30,080 --> 00:49:32,480
Speaker 1: spend with each other. Yes, and it gets lonely and

1109
00:49:32,520 --> 00:49:34,239
Speaker 1: you feel like, am I doing things the right way

1110
00:49:34,280 --> 00:49:37,600
Speaker 1: because I'm only by myself? And then you start to realize, like,

1111
00:49:37,640 --> 00:49:39,520
Speaker 1: this is a process that happens in life. He just

1112
00:49:39,520 --> 00:49:44,600
Speaker 1: turned fifty five. You're twenty something years old, which to

1113
00:49:44,680 --> 00:49:47,680
Speaker 1: me tells me I'm never going to reach a point

1114
00:49:47,680 --> 00:49:50,680
Speaker 1: in my life where I'm settled. These are my friend groups,

1115
00:49:50,760 --> 00:49:54,080
Speaker 1: this is my wife. Everybody knows exactly who they are.

1116
00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:57,560
Speaker 1: We all move together in a Kumbaya moment. No, people

1117
00:49:57,640 --> 00:49:59,600
Speaker 1: are constantly evolving.

1118
00:49:59,520 --> 00:50:02,600
Speaker 4: And change, changing, constantly shifting, and.

1119
00:50:02,760 --> 00:50:06,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, don't and don't take it personal if someone leaves

1120
00:50:06,440 --> 00:50:10,760
Speaker 1: your life. When I read the four agreements, the don't

1121
00:50:10,800 --> 00:50:15,200
Speaker 1: take it personal part really changed my life because and

1122
00:50:15,239 --> 00:50:18,960
Speaker 1: I always give this example. You walking down the street.

1123
00:50:19,200 --> 00:50:21,239
Speaker 1: You see a young person coming down the street the

1124
00:50:21,280 --> 00:50:22,840
Speaker 1: other way. They look like they're in a bad mood.

1125
00:50:23,320 --> 00:50:25,600
Speaker 1: You say, man, everything all right? The fuck on my face?

1126
00:50:26,080 --> 00:50:27,759
Speaker 1: Why are you talking to me? Bitch A d da

1127
00:50:27,840 --> 00:50:30,760
Speaker 1: da dah. The first thing you're gonna say is what's

1128
00:50:30,840 --> 00:50:33,240
Speaker 1: wrong with me? What did I do to this person

1129
00:50:33,719 --> 00:50:36,960
Speaker 1: said those things to me? Little did you know that

1130
00:50:37,000 --> 00:50:40,120
Speaker 1: person found out that they determinedly ill and they don't

1131
00:50:40,120 --> 00:50:43,480
Speaker 1: have long on the planet. Everything that they said to

1132
00:50:43,560 --> 00:50:45,960
Speaker 1: you was a projection of what they were going through.

1133
00:50:46,239 --> 00:50:48,440
Speaker 1: It literally had nothing to do with you. With you,

1134
00:50:48,600 --> 00:50:51,280
Speaker 1: and it works both ways. You're walking down the street,

1135
00:50:51,560 --> 00:50:53,439
Speaker 1: a young person is there. You say, how you doing?

1136
00:50:53,440 --> 00:50:55,600
Speaker 1: They're like, man, you the most beautiful person I ever

1137
00:50:55,600 --> 00:50:57,920
Speaker 1: met in my life. Man, give you a hug. Say

1138
00:50:57,960 --> 00:51:00,520
Speaker 1: here's one hundred dollars. Now you think, and shit, I'm

1139
00:51:00,560 --> 00:51:02,560
Speaker 1: the shit. This person just gave one hundred dollars for

1140
00:51:02,600 --> 00:51:05,080
Speaker 1: no reason. Little did you know this person just found

1141
00:51:05,080 --> 00:51:07,239
Speaker 1: out that they hit the mega jackpot and it's not

1142
00:51:07,320 --> 00:51:08,640
Speaker 1: worth three hundred million dollars.

1143
00:51:08,880 --> 00:51:09,839
Speaker 4: Nothing can make you feel bad.

1144
00:51:10,840 --> 00:51:13,640
Speaker 1: Everything they're going through is a projecting of what they're

1145
00:51:13,680 --> 00:51:14,160
Speaker 1: going through.

1146
00:51:14,200 --> 00:51:16,600
Speaker 3: Have nothing to do with you. You ain't that handsome dude. Yeah,

1147
00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:19,440
Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying. Nobody's gonna give you money.

1148
00:51:19,640 --> 00:51:21,719
Speaker 4: Absolutely. That's the same thing with the comment section.

1149
00:51:21,920 --> 00:51:26,760
Speaker 2: People are projecting, projecting, projecting about their own circumstances.

1150
00:51:26,920 --> 00:51:29,759
Speaker 4: Yes, don't let that interfere with what you have going on.

1151
00:51:29,800 --> 00:51:31,719
Speaker 2: I think the best advice you gave, babe with this

1152
00:51:31,760 --> 00:51:34,319
Speaker 2: whole thing was you are twenty six and you were

1153
00:51:34,320 --> 00:51:37,840
Speaker 2: still trying to figure yourself out, figure yourself out, figure

1154
00:51:38,080 --> 00:51:40,080
Speaker 2: your life out. And once you were so sure of

1155
00:51:40,160 --> 00:51:42,720
Speaker 2: who you are, and as you continue to progress through life,

1156
00:51:42,880 --> 00:51:45,239
Speaker 2: the people who are meant to find you and be

1157
00:51:45,440 --> 00:51:48,439
Speaker 2: on this journey of life with you, Yes, will be there,

1158
00:51:48,719 --> 00:51:51,759
Speaker 2: whether it's for one season or for several facts. You

1159
00:51:51,800 --> 00:51:52,839
Speaker 2: just have to understand that.

1160
00:51:53,080 --> 00:51:56,200
Speaker 1: I agree with that. All right, let's take a quick break.

1161
00:51:56,200 --> 00:51:57,840
Speaker 1: This is the last break of the year before we

1162
00:51:57,880 --> 00:51:58,279
Speaker 1: come back.

1163
00:51:58,320 --> 00:52:01,360
Speaker 2: And I'm so excited.

1164
00:52:01,520 --> 00:52:03,000
Speaker 4: One or two I don't know what.

1165
00:52:04,000 --> 00:52:06,040
Speaker 2: All right, we'll see what time permits for all Right,

1166
00:52:06,080 --> 00:52:16,120
Speaker 2: we'll be back, y'all. Stick around. All right, we're back

1167
00:52:16,160 --> 00:52:18,440
Speaker 2: with our last two listener letters of the year. I

1168
00:52:18,480 --> 00:52:21,120
Speaker 2: can't believe this year just flew by. Twenty twenty four

1169
00:52:21,239 --> 00:52:25,160
Speaker 2: was so insanely It was a wonderful and year. Yeah,

1170
00:52:25,200 --> 00:52:26,840
Speaker 2: it was the year of forty. It was an incredible

1171
00:52:26,920 --> 00:52:29,520
Speaker 2: year for me at least. How do you feel, babe?

1172
00:52:29,800 --> 00:52:34,879
Speaker 1: I feel great, Kadeen and I have a lot going on.

1173
00:52:35,200 --> 00:52:37,920
Speaker 3: Yeah, this year we had so much going on.

1174
00:52:37,960 --> 00:52:40,560
Speaker 1: We weren't able to, you know, put as much into

1175
00:52:40,760 --> 00:52:43,799
Speaker 1: the podcast because we were traveling a lot. But going

1176
00:52:43,880 --> 00:52:48,520
Speaker 1: into twenty twenty five, yeah, we have some things we.

1177
00:52:48,400 --> 00:52:49,600
Speaker 4: Want to turn up on y'all.

1178
00:52:49,640 --> 00:52:50,719
Speaker 3: We're going to turn up on y'all.

1179
00:52:51,120 --> 00:52:54,480
Speaker 2: It's gonna be and not just podcasts, just like everything. Yeah,

1180
00:52:54,480 --> 00:52:56,239
Speaker 2: I feel like there's gonna be a lot of really

1181
00:52:56,239 --> 00:52:58,600
Speaker 2: great stuff coming out of your way twenty twenty five

1182
00:52:59,640 --> 00:53:03,960
Speaker 2: and thanks Got Twenty twenty four was a year of expansion, elevation,

1183
00:53:05,480 --> 00:53:07,440
Speaker 2: getting rid of things that we no longer serve, that

1184
00:53:07,800 --> 00:53:11,080
Speaker 2: longer served us, and moving into the space that we're

1185
00:53:11,120 --> 00:53:11,480
Speaker 2: meant to be.

1186
00:53:11,560 --> 00:53:13,879
Speaker 4: And so I'm excited or the.

1187
00:53:13,840 --> 00:53:16,320
Speaker 2: Top of Q one, y'all, So let's finish out with

1188
00:53:16,360 --> 00:53:19,399
Speaker 2: these last two before we send y'all on. Y'all way,

1189
00:53:19,440 --> 00:53:24,799
Speaker 2: all right, hey, family. In my head, I recently came

1190
00:53:24,840 --> 00:53:27,960
Speaker 2: to under came to an understanding of how deep your

1191
00:53:28,000 --> 00:53:31,480
Speaker 2: inspiration and guidance has pushed me to who I am today.

1192
00:53:32,120 --> 00:53:36,120
Speaker 2: In twenty thirteen, I left a narcissistic relationship in which

1193
00:53:36,160 --> 00:53:39,240
Speaker 2: I was in for nine years. I was so scared

1194
00:53:39,239 --> 00:53:41,160
Speaker 2: to leave because I was going to raise three children

1195
00:53:41,200 --> 00:53:44,200
Speaker 2: alone and was always told and I'm only a good

1196
00:53:44,239 --> 00:53:48,000
Speaker 2: mother because I have help. After hearing negative things for years,

1197
00:53:48,080 --> 00:53:51,400
Speaker 2: you start to believe it. Leaving with three children with

1198
00:53:51,480 --> 00:53:55,279
Speaker 2: no plan in a day was insane. I moved and

1199
00:53:55,280 --> 00:53:58,040
Speaker 2: settled down, but didn't realize how my mental health was

1200
00:53:58,080 --> 00:54:00,640
Speaker 2: about to destroy me. For the next couple of years,

1201
00:54:01,880 --> 00:54:04,279
Speaker 2: anything dealing with mental health, I was dealing with it.

1202
00:54:04,680 --> 00:54:08,040
Speaker 2: Social media was my addiction and I definitely it definitely

1203
00:54:08,120 --> 00:54:11,640
Speaker 2: helped with my depression. I was eating all unhealthy foods

1204
00:54:11,640 --> 00:54:14,480
Speaker 2: and looking for attention in the wrong places. In the

1205
00:54:14,480 --> 00:54:17,120
Speaker 2: midst of my unhealthy scrolling, I found laughter and joy

1206
00:54:17,160 --> 00:54:19,920
Speaker 2: in twenty seventeen when I started following you on ig

1207
00:54:21,880 --> 00:54:24,000
Speaker 2: When I tell you, I wasn't prepared for what God

1208
00:54:24,040 --> 00:54:26,319
Speaker 2: had in store for me in twenty nineteen when you

1209
00:54:26,320 --> 00:54:30,600
Speaker 2: guys started dada Ass podcasts. The many issues you discussed

1210
00:54:30,640 --> 00:54:33,520
Speaker 2: helped me in many departments of my life, my biggest

1211
00:54:33,560 --> 00:54:36,680
Speaker 2: being my mental health and motherhood. Your love for each

1212
00:54:36,680 --> 00:54:39,239
Speaker 2: other showed me that anything is possible when you manifest

1213
00:54:39,280 --> 00:54:43,360
Speaker 2: your life. I never even heard the word manifestation until

1214
00:54:43,360 --> 00:54:46,120
Speaker 2: I started listening to you. Now it's all I do,

1215
00:54:46,200 --> 00:54:50,840
Speaker 2: along with prayer. Yes, it same same, same SA and prayer.

1216
00:54:51,040 --> 00:54:51,480
Speaker 4: That's it.

1217
00:54:52,040 --> 00:54:54,040
Speaker 2: Since I started following you, I found my husband, who

1218
00:54:54,080 --> 00:54:58,320
Speaker 2: I married in April of this h I'm in school

1219
00:54:58,320 --> 00:55:01,200
Speaker 2: for my psychology degree because I want to help others

1220
00:55:01,239 --> 00:55:04,759
Speaker 2: break certain generational mindsets by becoming a life coach and

1221
00:55:04,840 --> 00:55:06,080
Speaker 2: inspirational speaker.

1222
00:55:06,200 --> 00:55:08,319
Speaker 3: Come on now, come on talk about it.

1223
00:55:08,440 --> 00:55:11,400
Speaker 2: I want to encourage self love and understanding. And I'm

1224
00:55:11,440 --> 00:55:14,719
Speaker 2: now in the works of starting my family podcast, which

1225
00:55:14,800 --> 00:55:17,200
Speaker 2: I already scheduled a session for with Triple.

1226
00:55:19,040 --> 00:55:20,239
Speaker 4: Come on, this is.

1227
00:55:20,239 --> 00:55:23,800
Speaker 1: All manifestation because Triple talked about helping people start.

1228
00:55:23,800 --> 00:55:24,319
Speaker 3: This is great.

1229
00:55:24,440 --> 00:55:26,600
Speaker 2: This is such a good one. Although I'm not a

1230
00:55:26,640 --> 00:55:29,680
Speaker 2: part of your team, you all are a part of mine.

1231
00:55:30,120 --> 00:55:33,319
Speaker 2: You've helped push my ideas into my reality with the

1232
00:55:33,360 --> 00:55:36,120
Speaker 2: saying of close your eyes and picture what you want.

1233
00:55:36,200 --> 00:55:37,879
Speaker 4: If you can see it, you are.

1234
00:55:37,840 --> 00:55:41,320
Speaker 3: Already have it. Let's go, let's go. That's the truth. Though.

1235
00:55:42,239 --> 00:55:45,000
Speaker 4: The last thing you closed out your first live dead

1236
00:55:45,040 --> 00:55:47,680
Speaker 4: Ass show or my first live dead Ass show with

1237
00:55:47,880 --> 00:55:49,960
Speaker 4: so I guess this is saying that people want the

1238
00:55:49,960 --> 00:55:51,200
Speaker 4: Dead Ass Live show is back.

1239
00:55:52,480 --> 00:55:53,120
Speaker 3: Oh Man.

1240
00:55:53,200 --> 00:55:53,680
Speaker 2: I don't know.

1241
00:55:54,000 --> 00:55:55,719
Speaker 4: I don't know, but I love to hear that.

1242
00:55:55,719 --> 00:55:58,719
Speaker 2: That's something that resonates with people because it's something that

1243
00:55:58,760 --> 00:56:01,440
Speaker 2: develop and I do it the very and of every show.

1244
00:56:01,680 --> 00:56:05,080
Speaker 2: Not all superheroes wear capes. Please understand you help save

1245
00:56:05,160 --> 00:56:11,200
Speaker 2: my husband's wife and my children's mothers. Oh Man, the

1246
00:56:11,320 --> 00:56:12,640
Speaker 2: tears are about to fall.

1247
00:56:12,880 --> 00:56:14,200
Speaker 3: I know right, mind too, man.

1248
00:56:14,960 --> 00:56:19,680
Speaker 4: Thank you deeply from a healing woman. This is why

1249
00:56:19,719 --> 00:56:21,920
Speaker 4: we do it, you know.

1250
00:56:21,960 --> 00:56:22,880
Speaker 3: Here's the truth. Guys.

1251
00:56:22,960 --> 00:56:28,600
Speaker 1: Man, Sometimes because they and not feel like how long

1252
00:56:28,680 --> 00:56:30,400
Speaker 1: we going to keep doing that ass podcast?

1253
00:56:31,200 --> 00:56:33,080
Speaker 3: Yeah, because we've shared.

1254
00:56:33,239 --> 00:56:35,400
Speaker 1: Even though we evolve and we changed, we've shared so

1255
00:56:35,520 --> 00:56:38,600
Speaker 1: much of ourselves so far. We got we don't have

1256
00:56:38,680 --> 00:56:40,120
Speaker 1: a lot of time and we want to spend it

1257
00:56:40,160 --> 00:56:42,160
Speaker 1: with our kids. We have other things, we want to do.

1258
00:56:42,960 --> 00:56:45,239
Speaker 1: But when we hear how people resonate with what we're

1259
00:56:45,280 --> 00:56:51,359
Speaker 1: talking about really just makes me like, yeah, no, you're good.

1260
00:56:51,480 --> 00:56:54,440
Speaker 1: You know, like there's not a lot of positivity on

1261
00:56:54,480 --> 00:56:57,279
Speaker 1: social media because it's so easy to get clicks by

1262
00:56:57,360 --> 00:56:58,640
Speaker 1: being negative and just.

1263
00:57:01,040 --> 00:57:05,319
Speaker 2: Creating lies, right or pinning groups of people against each other,

1264
00:57:05,400 --> 00:57:08,560
Speaker 2: Like it's just so much of that, and this is

1265
00:57:08,600 --> 00:57:09,799
Speaker 2: really really nice to.

1266
00:57:11,280 --> 00:57:13,400
Speaker 3: It just be like, now we're not going to stop.

1267
00:57:13,680 --> 00:57:16,280
Speaker 2: And it's crazy because we have been having I guess

1268
00:57:16,280 --> 00:57:18,960
Speaker 2: we can let y'all know this because we family. We've

1269
00:57:19,000 --> 00:57:22,480
Speaker 2: been discussing now that pretty much our contract is at

1270
00:57:22,520 --> 00:57:26,960
Speaker 2: an end this year with iHeartRadio, and it's like, do

1271
00:57:27,040 --> 00:57:29,200
Speaker 2: you re up and try to do another contract in

1272
00:57:29,240 --> 00:57:30,960
Speaker 2: a couple more years in the podcast or do we

1273
00:57:31,080 --> 00:57:35,000
Speaker 2: just end it here? And I feel like when you

1274
00:57:35,040 --> 00:57:37,720
Speaker 2: pray for and you you pray for guidance and you

1275
00:57:37,760 --> 00:57:41,200
Speaker 2: pray for answers and you get them, I feel like

1276
00:57:41,240 --> 00:57:44,240
Speaker 2: this is literally God saying keep going, Like this is

1277
00:57:44,280 --> 00:57:48,040
Speaker 2: not the end of Dead Ass Podcast. It won't and

1278
00:57:48,040 --> 00:57:53,439
Speaker 2: it won't be, but it's great to hear these love

1279
00:57:53,520 --> 00:57:56,000
Speaker 2: letters from you guys that help us keep going. So

1280
00:57:56,720 --> 00:57:59,040
Speaker 2: and I'm just happy for her. Look at how her

1281
00:57:59,080 --> 00:57:59,920
Speaker 2: life has.

1282
00:58:00,080 --> 00:58:03,720
Speaker 1: Deeply from a healing woman like she a narcissist relationship.

1283
00:58:03,240 --> 00:58:05,240
Speaker 4: Where someone telling her that she wasn't.

1284
00:58:05,000 --> 00:58:07,600
Speaker 1: Nothing all that time for her to start believing it

1285
00:58:07,640 --> 00:58:09,360
Speaker 1: and then to just get out and there be like, no,

1286
00:58:09,480 --> 00:58:12,160
Speaker 1: I'm going to do stuff and now and she's about

1287
00:58:12,240 --> 00:58:12,640
Speaker 1: to change a.

1288
00:58:12,600 --> 00:58:13,160
Speaker 3: Bunch of people.

1289
00:58:13,560 --> 00:58:15,480
Speaker 2: And this is a testimony to letting people know this

1290
00:58:15,520 --> 00:58:18,120
Speaker 2: is eleven years in the making of her healing and

1291
00:58:18,160 --> 00:58:20,400
Speaker 2: figuring out how she's going to make it out. And

1292
00:58:20,400 --> 00:58:22,440
Speaker 2: she finds her husband, and she goes to school, and

1293
00:58:22,480 --> 00:58:25,280
Speaker 2: now she starts her own podcast. Like so many things

1294
00:58:25,360 --> 00:58:27,800
Speaker 2: can happen. So when people are looking for these microwave

1295
00:58:27,880 --> 00:58:32,120
Speaker 2: relationships or these overnight successes or these instant gratification moments,

1296
00:58:32,480 --> 00:58:35,480
Speaker 2: they don't exist, and if it does, it's probably not

1297
00:58:35,520 --> 00:58:35,960
Speaker 2: worth it.

1298
00:58:36,040 --> 00:58:39,040
Speaker 3: So she just makes me feel good to know that

1299
00:58:39,080 --> 00:58:40,240
Speaker 3: people feel good listening.

1300
00:58:40,520 --> 00:58:43,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, like that's really that's really all I

1301
00:58:43,600 --> 00:58:46,240
Speaker 1: want When people ask why y'all share so much? I

1302
00:58:46,280 --> 00:58:49,440
Speaker 1: want somebody to be better, and don't want somebody to

1303
00:58:49,480 --> 00:58:51,560
Speaker 1: do better, live a better life, learn something so that

1304
00:58:51,640 --> 00:58:54,080
Speaker 1: they can create something that they never had.

1305
00:58:54,520 --> 00:58:57,280
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, that's all. That's all Kneena and I

1306
00:58:57,320 --> 00:58:57,760
Speaker 3: ever wanted.

1307
00:58:57,800 --> 00:58:59,919
Speaker 4: It's that person by a person, just like little things.

1308
00:59:00,160 --> 00:59:02,240
Speaker 2: This helps me meet the world a better place and

1309
00:59:02,320 --> 00:59:04,240
Speaker 2: the human experience that much better.

1310
00:59:05,120 --> 00:59:07,760
Speaker 4: You, Elie, love you too, Man, love you too.

1311
00:59:08,400 --> 00:59:10,600
Speaker 1: All right, that's gonna lead us into our last listener

1312
00:59:10,680 --> 00:59:13,600
Speaker 1: letter of the year. All Right, I want to start

1313
00:59:13,640 --> 00:59:15,320
Speaker 1: by saying I love you guys and your family. We

1314
00:59:15,400 --> 00:59:18,600
Speaker 1: love you too. You have answered the question. You have

1315
00:59:18,720 --> 00:59:21,640
Speaker 1: answered the question I've had previously, and you gave amazing advice,

1316
00:59:21,920 --> 00:59:24,120
Speaker 1: so I figured I test my luck again. I do

1317
00:59:24,240 --> 00:59:26,960
Speaker 1: want to remain anonymous because my question is regarding something

1318
00:59:27,040 --> 00:59:30,440
Speaker 1: personal and sensitive, So here it goes. I am not

1319
00:59:30,680 --> 00:59:34,360
Speaker 1: satisfied with my sex like capital left capital. I have

1320
00:59:34,480 --> 00:59:36,720
Speaker 1: been married to my husband for two years, but we've

1321
00:59:36,720 --> 00:59:38,920
Speaker 1: been together for about seven. The sex has never been

1322
00:59:39,000 --> 00:59:42,080
Speaker 1: mind blowing, but it's been enough to sustain our relationship.

1323
00:59:42,120 --> 00:59:44,080
Speaker 3: He is easy to please.

1324
00:59:44,560 --> 00:59:47,840
Speaker 1: It's easy to get him aroused, and it's usually quick

1325
00:59:48,080 --> 00:59:50,120
Speaker 1: to get him to be completely satisfied, if you know

1326
00:59:50,160 --> 00:59:52,080
Speaker 1: what I mean. It takes a little more for me.

1327
00:59:52,160 --> 00:59:56,120
Speaker 1: I like to be aroused, mentally complimented, made to feel

1328
00:59:56,120 --> 00:59:59,560
Speaker 1: special or connected. I don't need much but intimate conversations,

1329
00:59:59,560 --> 01:00:01,800
Speaker 1: and I'm a but it's hard for my husband to

1330
01:00:01,880 --> 01:00:04,880
Speaker 1: understand that, understand what I mean because he is a

1331
01:00:04,920 --> 01:00:08,080
Speaker 1: straight to the point, physical type of god. It's hard

1332
01:00:08,160 --> 01:00:10,280
Speaker 1: for me to ask for what I want because I'm

1333
01:00:10,320 --> 01:00:12,720
Speaker 1: afraid he isn't capable of giving it to me and

1334
01:00:12,760 --> 01:00:15,920
Speaker 1: what would that mean for our marriage. There's also the

1335
01:00:16,000 --> 01:00:18,800
Speaker 1: issue of what he is packing is nowhere near what

1336
01:00:18,840 --> 01:00:21,959
Speaker 1: I'm used to from previous relationships. I try to stick

1337
01:00:22,000 --> 01:00:23,840
Speaker 1: to the motion in the ocean, but the side of

1338
01:00:23,880 --> 01:00:29,160
Speaker 1: the boat would help. Josh, stupid, don't you think? How

1339
01:00:29,160 --> 01:00:32,000
Speaker 1: do I tell my husband that what I require may

1340
01:00:32,040 --> 01:00:34,000
Speaker 1: be something he isn't capable of performing?

1341
01:00:34,080 --> 01:00:34,400
Speaker 3: Jeez?

1342
01:00:34,880 --> 01:00:38,200
Speaker 1: Sex is important, but it isn't everything. However, I would

1343
01:00:38,200 --> 01:00:41,320
Speaker 1: like to find ways for me to be satisfied as well.

1344
01:00:41,800 --> 01:00:42,440
Speaker 3: Help please.

1345
01:00:43,280 --> 01:00:45,680
Speaker 2: Oh, that's a tough one because one of those things

1346
01:00:45,680 --> 01:00:48,080
Speaker 2: you can't control, you know, like you can't You can

1347
01:00:48,160 --> 01:00:51,080
Speaker 2: probably have the conversation with what you require in terms

1348
01:00:51,080 --> 01:00:53,480
Speaker 2: of foreplay and stuff like that to get you aroused.

1349
01:00:53,880 --> 01:00:57,040
Speaker 2: So though you are afraid of him not being capable

1350
01:00:57,080 --> 01:00:58,560
Speaker 2: of giving you what you need, at least that's the

1351
01:00:58,640 --> 01:01:01,400
Speaker 2: easier conversation. I think to have and something that's fixable,

1352
01:01:01,920 --> 01:01:06,520
Speaker 2: whereas something like penis size that it's just it is

1353
01:01:06,560 --> 01:01:07,520
Speaker 2: what it is, right.

1354
01:01:07,520 --> 01:01:10,000
Speaker 1: But I do think that my first question would be

1355
01:01:11,560 --> 01:01:14,920
Speaker 1: if you knew that from the beginning, why go through

1356
01:01:16,040 --> 01:01:19,240
Speaker 1: with everything? If you knew you wasn't satisfied? That would

1357
01:01:19,240 --> 01:01:20,000
Speaker 1: be my first question.

1358
01:01:20,480 --> 01:01:22,680
Speaker 4: Sex isn't everything, but she thought what it is though.

1359
01:01:23,560 --> 01:01:26,720
Speaker 1: This is the thing people like to say. Sex isn't everything.

1360
01:01:27,040 --> 01:01:29,720
Speaker 1: But sex does cure and heal so many different things

1361
01:01:29,720 --> 01:01:31,840
Speaker 1: in a relationship. And I'm not just talking about orgasm.

1362
01:01:32,160 --> 01:01:35,880
Speaker 1: Intimacy comes. Oxytocin comes from that physical connection. She's not

1363
01:01:35,960 --> 01:01:38,760
Speaker 1: getting the oxytocin and the physical connection she can get

1364
01:01:38,840 --> 01:01:40,880
Speaker 1: she needs from sex, So it's probably affecting her and

1365
01:01:41,000 --> 01:01:42,120
Speaker 1: everything else in her life.

1366
01:01:42,200 --> 01:01:42,720
Speaker 4: Oh for sure.

1367
01:01:42,840 --> 01:01:45,440
Speaker 1: So sex is important. You know, sex was created for

1368
01:01:45,520 --> 01:01:47,680
Speaker 1: us to become close, for a reason. For us to

1369
01:01:47,680 --> 01:01:49,360
Speaker 1: try to make it seem like it's not that important

1370
01:01:49,440 --> 01:01:53,160
Speaker 1: is a lie. And that's why when men are complaining

1371
01:01:53,200 --> 01:01:55,920
Speaker 1: about sex and women say things like, well, sex isn't important,

1372
01:01:55,960 --> 01:01:57,000
Speaker 1: that's not true.

1373
01:01:56,920 --> 01:01:58,960
Speaker 2: Right, And here we have a woman who's saying that

1374
01:01:59,160 --> 01:02:00,200
Speaker 2: she's not satisfy, and.

1375
01:02:00,160 --> 01:02:02,000
Speaker 1: I don't think it's fair for her to even try

1376
01:02:02,000 --> 01:02:04,600
Speaker 1: to convince herself that says that she's not that no

1377
01:02:05,160 --> 01:02:06,920
Speaker 1: sex is important to everyone.

1378
01:02:07,520 --> 01:02:08,680
Speaker 3: It's important to everyone.

1379
01:02:09,000 --> 01:02:12,440
Speaker 1: What I will say is, since you can't change his equipment,

1380
01:02:12,840 --> 01:02:15,840
Speaker 1: you can try using toys and see if that helps.

1381
01:02:16,000 --> 01:02:17,800
Speaker 1: But what I will say is, if you want to

1382
01:02:17,840 --> 01:02:20,040
Speaker 1: spend the rest of your life with this man, you

1383
01:02:20,120 --> 01:02:22,960
Speaker 1: have to have these conversations with him up front, honestly,

1384
01:02:23,040 --> 01:02:26,200
Speaker 1: and he has to be willing to accept how you feel,

1385
01:02:26,760 --> 01:02:29,439
Speaker 1: and you have to be willing to accept how what

1386
01:02:29,520 --> 01:02:31,040
Speaker 1: you say may make him feel a.

1387
01:02:30,960 --> 01:02:32,320
Speaker 2: Way, right, I was about to say it might be

1388
01:02:32,360 --> 01:02:34,960
Speaker 2: an ego hit to him to feel like, oh, I'm

1389
01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:36,280
Speaker 2: not satisfying my wife, Like.

1390
01:02:36,240 --> 01:02:36,760
Speaker 3: What do you mean?

1391
01:02:37,040 --> 01:02:39,440
Speaker 2: And he may also be oblivious to it, you know,

1392
01:02:39,480 --> 01:02:41,840
Speaker 2: if you haven't had the conversation with him to let

1393
01:02:41,920 --> 01:02:44,160
Speaker 2: him know, like babe, I require a little bit more

1394
01:02:44,800 --> 01:02:47,760
Speaker 2: asking those investigative questions, maybe asking him babe, is there

1395
01:02:47,800 --> 01:02:50,160
Speaker 2: anything more that I can do for you to to

1396
01:02:50,280 --> 01:02:53,560
Speaker 2: kind of like loosen up the atmosphere? Deval And I've

1397
01:02:53,600 --> 01:02:56,680
Speaker 2: had these conversations over and over and over again, yes,

1398
01:02:56,760 --> 01:02:59,600
Speaker 2: about what can be needed, what's needed in that moment,

1399
01:02:59,680 --> 01:03:03,320
Speaker 2: what can try what's you know, a green light? What

1400
01:03:03,560 --> 01:03:05,280
Speaker 2: used to be a red light might be a yellow

1401
01:03:05,360 --> 01:03:07,280
Speaker 2: light now, you know, there's so many things that can

1402
01:03:07,320 --> 01:03:11,000
Speaker 2: come up in those kind of conversations. So yes, handling

1403
01:03:11,040 --> 01:03:13,280
Speaker 2: it and presenting it to him in a way that

1404
01:03:13,440 --> 01:03:16,600
Speaker 2: is delicate enough where he doesn't necessarily take the ego hit,

1405
01:03:17,200 --> 01:03:19,840
Speaker 2: but then wanting to be honest because you deserve to

1406
01:03:19,880 --> 01:03:21,320
Speaker 2: be honest to get the things that you want.

1407
01:03:21,480 --> 01:03:24,120
Speaker 3: I will say this too. He may be a little

1408
01:03:24,120 --> 01:03:25,760
Speaker 3: guilty of this. She said it here.

1409
01:03:26,040 --> 01:03:26,400
Speaker 4: What's that.

1410
01:03:27,040 --> 01:03:29,000
Speaker 1: I've been married to my husband for two years, but

1411
01:03:29,040 --> 01:03:31,800
Speaker 1: we've been together for seven. The sex has never been

1412
01:03:31,840 --> 01:03:34,760
Speaker 1: mind blowing, but it's been enough to sustain in our relationship.

1413
01:03:35,240 --> 01:03:37,000
Speaker 1: If it was enough before, it could be a little

1414
01:03:37,040 --> 01:03:38,960
Speaker 1: bit of complacency where he's like, well, I'm married now

1415
01:03:39,040 --> 01:03:40,560
Speaker 1: two years. All I got to do is just do

1416
01:03:40,600 --> 01:03:41,400
Speaker 1: this and we good.

1417
01:03:41,880 --> 01:03:42,360
Speaker 4: Very true.

1418
01:03:42,440 --> 01:03:45,360
Speaker 1: She should have the conversation like the complacency or whatever

1419
01:03:45,400 --> 01:03:48,080
Speaker 1: what's sustaining us is no longer here, Right, We're gonna

1420
01:03:48,120 --> 01:03:50,000
Speaker 1: have to do some things. And the truth is, in

1421
01:03:50,120 --> 01:03:53,280
Speaker 1: every relationship, when it comes to intimacy, there comes a

1422
01:03:53,360 --> 01:03:56,880
Speaker 1: point where that happens, and it's not something that ever

1423
01:03:56,920 --> 01:03:57,600
Speaker 1: stops like.

1424
01:03:57,600 --> 01:04:00,440
Speaker 2: Talk about fantasies and talk about the things that she

1425
01:04:00,480 --> 01:04:03,080
Speaker 2: would want to try, and you know, if it's not

1426
01:04:03,080 --> 01:04:06,520
Speaker 2: something that you can help, like involving other people with

1427
01:04:06,640 --> 01:04:08,920
Speaker 2: like toys, like de Vall said, those are things that

1428
01:04:08,960 --> 01:04:11,320
Speaker 2: we've used over the course of our marriage to be

1429
01:04:11,360 --> 01:04:15,120
Speaker 2: like a different that we could try that's a little different,

1430
01:04:15,200 --> 01:04:16,880
Speaker 2: that will also help.

1431
01:04:17,000 --> 01:04:18,520
Speaker 1: We want what if she you know, what if she

1432
01:04:18,600 --> 01:04:20,240
Speaker 1: dressed up like There's so many things you can do

1433
01:04:20,280 --> 01:04:23,000
Speaker 1: with intimacy to kind of spark something different. We talked

1434
01:04:23,040 --> 01:04:26,720
Speaker 1: in an earlier relations or earlier podcasts about casual sex. Yes,

1435
01:04:26,800 --> 01:04:29,439
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. Let it be some casual sex.

1436
01:04:29,480 --> 01:04:31,120
Speaker 1: Maybe y'all go out on the date. You wear something

1437
01:04:31,200 --> 01:04:33,680
Speaker 1: super skimpy that he's never seen you in. That might

1438
01:04:33,720 --> 01:04:36,080
Speaker 1: get him a little bit more aroused. But then you

1439
01:04:36,200 --> 01:04:38,400
Speaker 1: four play and tease him. So now you put you

1440
01:04:38,440 --> 01:04:40,240
Speaker 1: tell him let me try something. You sit him down

1441
01:04:40,240 --> 01:04:42,800
Speaker 1: in the chair, tie his legs up, tie his hands up,

1442
01:04:43,200 --> 01:04:45,760
Speaker 1: and you tease him to the point where you aroused

1443
01:04:45,800 --> 01:04:48,240
Speaker 1: and you play with him. And now he can't come

1444
01:04:48,320 --> 01:04:50,000
Speaker 1: because you're not going to allow it to get to

1445
01:04:50,040 --> 01:04:52,920
Speaker 1: that point. That four player that tease may help you,

1446
01:04:53,480 --> 01:04:55,240
Speaker 1: and then once you get to your point out, it's like, Okay,

1447
01:04:55,240 --> 01:04:57,160
Speaker 1: I'm gonna let him deliver, but I'm gonna get mines.

1448
01:04:57,640 --> 01:04:59,400
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Like, there's so many different

1449
01:04:59,440 --> 01:05:02,520
Speaker 1: ways that you can make sex creative and fun, but

1450
01:05:02,560 --> 01:05:03,720
Speaker 1: the conversation has.

1451
01:05:03,640 --> 01:05:06,080
Speaker 4: To be had and ultimately says you kind of knew

1452
01:05:06,080 --> 01:05:06,840
Speaker 4: what you were getting into.

1453
01:05:07,400 --> 01:05:09,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know what she did, but if he got

1454
01:05:09,880 --> 01:05:11,360
Speaker 1: complacent and stopped doing something.

1455
01:05:11,880 --> 01:05:13,760
Speaker 2: The fiest part because she said she had some people

1456
01:05:13,800 --> 01:05:16,240
Speaker 2: in the past who maybe doesn't measure up or he

1457
01:05:16,240 --> 01:05:17,040
Speaker 2: doesn't measure up to.

1458
01:05:17,200 --> 01:05:18,560
Speaker 4: But it's just like, you know.

1459
01:05:20,400 --> 01:05:21,720
Speaker 3: Enough for nothing. This is a good thing.

1460
01:05:21,760 --> 01:05:24,240
Speaker 1: I'm going to close the year out on. It's my

1461
01:05:24,320 --> 01:05:27,400
Speaker 1: moment in truth. Ladies. Sex is important to y'all too.

1462
01:05:27,880 --> 01:05:31,080
Speaker 1: Stop acting like it's not for whatever reason that you

1463
01:05:31,120 --> 01:05:33,320
Speaker 1: want to make it seem like it's not important. Sex

1464
01:05:33,480 --> 01:05:35,919
Speaker 1: is important and should be important to women as well.

1465
01:05:36,320 --> 01:05:38,680
Speaker 1: This whole taboo mindset that a woman is supposed to

1466
01:05:38,680 --> 01:05:41,560
Speaker 1: just enjoy whatever type of sex that her man provides.

1467
01:05:41,600 --> 01:05:43,080
Speaker 3: It's not really.

1468
01:05:44,680 --> 01:05:48,680
Speaker 2: Shouldn't just enjoy whatever woman provides, or if it's a

1469
01:05:48,680 --> 01:05:50,280
Speaker 2: woman and a woman or a man and a man whatever,

1470
01:05:50,280 --> 01:05:52,960
Speaker 2: who doesn't matter, whatever the makeup is. One person in

1471
01:05:53,000 --> 01:05:56,040
Speaker 2: the relationship shouldn't have to always be the one.

1472
01:05:56,160 --> 01:05:59,720
Speaker 4: Right to suffer sounds like a bad word, but suffer

1473
01:05:59,760 --> 01:06:01,480
Speaker 4: is that what it is?

1474
01:06:01,520 --> 01:06:03,840
Speaker 3: Because if we're asking our partner to only be.

1475
01:06:03,880 --> 01:06:05,240
Speaker 4: With us, it is a deficit.

1476
01:06:05,480 --> 01:06:07,040
Speaker 3: Is avoid suffer.

1477
01:06:07,640 --> 01:06:10,200
Speaker 1: If you had a deficit, you suffering, like we're not

1478
01:06:10,320 --> 01:06:10,919
Speaker 1: changing that.

1479
01:06:11,320 --> 01:06:13,600
Speaker 3: It is. My responsibility, is your husband.

1480
01:06:14,040 --> 01:06:16,800
Speaker 1: If I'm asking you to no longer be with anybody

1481
01:06:16,840 --> 01:06:20,000
Speaker 1: else or share your intimate space with anybody else, it's

1482
01:06:20,080 --> 01:06:22,919
Speaker 1: my responsibility to make sure that you are yes, fill

1483
01:06:22,960 --> 01:06:26,480
Speaker 1: you up and be satisfied and vice versa. Right, And

1484
01:06:26,520 --> 01:06:30,920
Speaker 1: that's that's my moment of truth for everybody. Love your partner,

1485
01:06:31,560 --> 01:06:34,040
Speaker 1: fill them up, don't don't fall.

1486
01:06:33,840 --> 01:06:35,720
Speaker 3: Into the world. She got to accept what he got

1487
01:06:35,840 --> 01:06:36,760
Speaker 3: to accept what I'm giving.

1488
01:06:36,800 --> 01:06:40,040
Speaker 1: And no, no, work your hardest to be everything your

1489
01:06:40,040 --> 01:06:42,760
Speaker 1: partner these because you chose them. If you don't want

1490
01:06:42,760 --> 01:06:44,640
Speaker 1: to work hard to be with your partner these, then

1491
01:06:44,680 --> 01:06:45,640
Speaker 1: you should have chose somebody.

1492
01:06:45,840 --> 01:06:49,200
Speaker 2: Service based industry guys. As we told y'all, that's how

1493
01:06:49,240 --> 01:06:55,800
Speaker 2: this marriage relationship stuff works. Some really good listener letters

1494
01:06:56,160 --> 01:06:57,440
Speaker 2: shout out to y'all for writing in.

1495
01:06:57,480 --> 01:06:59,520
Speaker 4: Shout out to Triple for putting this together for us.

1496
01:07:00,080 --> 01:07:03,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, moment of truth for the Well before we get

1497
01:07:03,560 --> 01:07:06,600
Speaker 2: to the moment of truth, we'll be back.

1498
01:07:06,720 --> 01:07:07,880
Speaker 4: In twenty twenty five.

1499
01:07:08,320 --> 01:07:11,880
Speaker 2: Yes, with Dead Ass podcasts, more stuff, new stuff, different

1500
01:07:11,960 --> 01:07:16,000
Speaker 2: things that we might try a day with k baby,

1501
01:07:16,160 --> 01:07:18,440
Speaker 2: you know way there is.

1502
01:07:18,400 --> 01:07:21,040
Speaker 1: Going to be changes, but still more of the same.

1503
01:07:21,120 --> 01:07:24,200
Speaker 1: You're gonna hear our voices every Wednesday. Yes, we're gonna

1504
01:07:24,200 --> 01:07:26,560
Speaker 1: be making y'all laugh, but also making y'all think and

1505
01:07:26,600 --> 01:07:27,920
Speaker 1: loving up on each other.

1506
01:07:27,760 --> 01:07:31,640
Speaker 4: And absolutely talking about alongside.

1507
01:07:31,120 --> 01:07:33,560
Speaker 3: Y'all do that. But we're gonna add some things though.

1508
01:07:33,480 --> 01:07:35,080
Speaker 2: Y and if you want to be featured as a

1509
01:07:35,080 --> 01:07:38,080
Speaker 2: future listener letter, continue to write in. Just because you

1510
01:07:38,080 --> 01:07:39,640
Speaker 2: know the year is over. We may go into a

1511
01:07:39,680 --> 01:07:41,800
Speaker 2: little two week break or whatever it looks like for us,

1512
01:07:42,080 --> 01:07:44,240
Speaker 2: still write in. We're still gonna be checking the email

1513
01:07:44,320 --> 01:07:46,640
Speaker 2: Dead Ass Advice at gmail dot com.

1514
01:07:46,640 --> 01:07:49,040
Speaker 3: That's d E A D A S S A D

1515
01:07:49,200 --> 01:07:51,360
Speaker 3: V I C E at gmail dot com.

1516
01:07:51,400 --> 01:07:56,880
Speaker 2: All right, moment of truth time. Well, you're specific about sex.

1517
01:07:56,960 --> 01:07:59,680
Speaker 1: I guess my mind wasn't specific about sex, but about

1518
01:07:59,680 --> 01:08:00,760
Speaker 1: just being there for your partner.

1519
01:08:00,880 --> 01:08:02,240
Speaker 3: Service based industry.

1520
01:08:02,440 --> 01:08:06,000
Speaker 1: Continue to love on your partner, yes, fill them up, yes,

1521
01:08:06,200 --> 01:08:08,240
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. And also feel them up,

1522
01:08:08,280 --> 01:08:10,720
Speaker 1: you know, like they hold them, hug them like this.

1523
01:08:10,720 --> 01:08:13,920
Speaker 1: This year, let's be a lot more affectionately to personal.

1524
01:08:14,760 --> 01:08:15,360
Speaker 1: Let's do that.

1525
01:08:15,520 --> 01:08:17,240
Speaker 4: I think that can be a goal for everybody.

1526
01:08:17,320 --> 01:08:20,320
Speaker 2: Like, let's be a lot more into personal and not

1527
01:08:20,520 --> 01:08:21,880
Speaker 2: so much digital digital.

1528
01:08:21,960 --> 01:08:22,599
Speaker 3: Let's get out there.

1529
01:08:22,640 --> 01:08:24,519
Speaker 4: You know I would love that.

1530
01:08:24,800 --> 01:08:27,320
Speaker 2: And also, guys, I think I say this at the

1531
01:08:27,400 --> 01:08:29,840
Speaker 2: end of every Listing Letter episode because you guys take

1532
01:08:29,880 --> 01:08:32,640
Speaker 2: time to write in and love on us. I just

1533
01:08:32,680 --> 01:08:37,240
Speaker 2: have to thank you again for another successful podcast year season.

1534
01:08:37,520 --> 01:08:42,560
Speaker 2: Dead Ass listeners shout out to our Patreon gang for really.

1535
01:08:42,360 --> 01:08:43,599
Speaker 4: Really just loving on us.

1536
01:08:43,680 --> 01:08:46,320
Speaker 2: We really hold you guys at a high regard because

1537
01:08:46,320 --> 01:08:48,880
Speaker 2: we don't take for granted that we're in a world

1538
01:08:48,920 --> 01:08:51,519
Speaker 2: where things are crazy and it's hard to make a dollar.

1539
01:08:51,640 --> 01:08:54,800
Speaker 2: But you guys are investing in us, and you are

1540
01:08:55,200 --> 01:08:57,280
Speaker 2: supporting us, and you're loving on us, and we thank

1541
01:08:57,280 --> 01:08:59,519
Speaker 2: you guys so much for that. So much more to

1542
01:08:59,560 --> 01:09:02,280
Speaker 2: come for the Ellis's so much more to come from

1543
01:09:02,320 --> 01:09:06,479
Speaker 2: Deval and Kadeen and the collective, the family. We're just

1544
01:09:06,560 --> 01:09:08,679
Speaker 2: really excited to end the year off with you guys,

1545
01:09:08,800 --> 01:09:12,120
Speaker 2: and continue to spread the word about dead Ass Podcast, y'all.

1546
01:09:12,160 --> 01:09:14,000
Speaker 2: I know we're fifteen seasons in it, but there will

1547
01:09:14,000 --> 01:09:16,519
Speaker 2: be more. So if you have a friend, a family

1548
01:09:16,560 --> 01:09:19,760
Speaker 2: member that can use an episode, that could listen to

1549
01:09:19,800 --> 01:09:22,400
Speaker 2: something and gain something from dead Ass Podcast, please be

1550
01:09:22,439 --> 01:09:25,519
Speaker 2: sure to share. Be sure to find us on Patreon

1551
01:09:25,560 --> 01:09:27,479
Speaker 2: if you have not yet to see exclusive dead Ass

1552
01:09:27,560 --> 01:09:30,640
Speaker 2: Podcast video content as well as Ellis Family content, and

1553
01:09:30,680 --> 01:09:32,599
Speaker 2: you can find us on social media to keep up

1554
01:09:32,720 --> 01:09:35,639
Speaker 2: to date with what's happening at dead Ass the podcast.

1555
01:09:35,720 --> 01:09:37,720
Speaker 2: You can find me at Kadeen I Am and I

1556
01:09:37,760 --> 01:09:38,360
Speaker 2: Am Deval and.

1557
01:09:38,320 --> 01:09:40,679
Speaker 1: If you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to wait

1558
01:09:41,040 --> 01:09:44,600
Speaker 1: if you subscribe, and also pick up your copy of

1559
01:09:44,640 --> 01:09:47,439
Speaker 1: We Over Me, The Contraintuitive Approach to getting Everything you want.

1560
01:09:47,640 --> 01:09:50,599
Speaker 4: Yes, your relationship is the season, y'all. Y'all can still

1561
01:09:50,680 --> 01:09:51,160
Speaker 4: keep giving.

1562
01:09:51,200 --> 01:09:53,400
Speaker 2: And it's still cold outside, baby, so grab you hoodies,

1563
01:09:53,400 --> 01:09:59,840
Speaker 2: dead Ass merch, Drip, drip, Marry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, happiness,

1564
01:10:00,840 --> 01:10:02,160
Speaker 2: all that goodness, y'all.

1565
01:10:02,200 --> 01:10:05,040
Speaker 4: We love you. See you in twenty twenty five, y'all.

1566
01:10:08,200 --> 01:10:13,320
Speaker 5: Got dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network

1567
01:10:13,360 --> 01:10:15,839
Speaker 5: and its produced by Donor Pinya and Triple.

1568
01:10:16,160 --> 01:10:18,680
Speaker 1: Follow the podcast on social media at dead Ass the

1569
01:10:18,720 --> 01:10:20,400
Speaker 1: Podcast and Never miss a Thing