Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. The latest twist in the
Speaker 1: will they won't they story that everyone is talking about
Speaker 1: Elon Musk and Twitter. It's the hottest and messiest relationship
Speaker 1: drama this side of Riverdale, and it looks like, after
Speaker 1: weeks of flirtation and fighting, the new couple has officially
Speaker 1: done the deed. Now it is official, Elon Musk has
Speaker 1: bought Twitter for approximately forty four billion. He's going to
Speaker 1: be paying each share of Twitter fifty four dollars and
Speaker 1: twenty cents. In a statement released by the company, Mr
Speaker 1: Musk said free speech is the bedrock of a functioning democracy,
Speaker 1: and Twitter is the digital town square where matters vital
Speaker 1: to the future of humanity are debated. This is a
Speaker 1: dramatic turn of events from earlier this month, when Twitter
Speaker 1: is that to decline, Musk offer think it's so called
Speaker 1: poison pill to block in. That's right. People. Twitter said
Speaker 1: it would never sell to Elon Musk, and then he
Speaker 1: produced the cash and they're like, all right, we'll sell. Yes,
Speaker 1: I guess they found that edit button after all. It's
Speaker 1: actually kind of a historic moment. This is the first
Speaker 1: time anyone at Twitter has changed their mind about anything
Speaker 1: well done. I think that Twitter was always gonna sell
Speaker 1: to Elon though, right this couldn't be too eager about it.
Speaker 1: You know, it's like a like a husband and a
Speaker 1: wife where it's like, ah, I am not going to
Speaker 1: that wedding, forget it, it's not gonna happen, and then
Speaker 1: three months later it's like, how does my boatie look?
Speaker 1: How does it do? Think it looks good? Do you
Speaker 1: think it does? I honestly don't know why Elon would
Speaker 1: want to own Twitter, all right. It just doesn't seem
Speaker 1: like a fun place to supervise right now. You know,
Speaker 1: it's like buying Jurassic Park after the power went down
Speaker 1: and the cages are opened. Yeah, you're gonna spend a
Speaker 1: lot of time replacing jeep windshields. That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: But the truth is, look, in many ways, this is
Speaker 1: a really smart move by Elon Musk because wealthy men
Speaker 1: know the value in owning publishing platforms. Yeah, that's why
Speaker 1: Jeff Bezos bought the Washington Post. That's why Rupert Murdoch
Speaker 1: bought the Wall Street Journal. It's why Confucius owns those
Speaker 1: fortune cookies. Yeah, yeah, because you see, then he knows
Speaker 1: that none of us will play his lucky numbers in
Speaker 1: the latto. That's genius. So you see, by buying Twitter,
Speaker 1: Elon Musk gets to own one of the most culturally
Speaker 1: influential publishing platforms in the world. I mean to remember this,
Speaker 1: think about it. Twitter is how the Arab Spring took off. Right.
Speaker 1: Black Lives Matter blew up on Twitter, the Me too
Speaker 1: movement started on Twitter. Trump used Twitter to turn himself
Speaker 1: from a reality show joke into the President of the
Speaker 1: United States and a joke. So owning Twitter gives you
Speaker 1: more power than the drug store employee with the key
Speaker 1: to the deodoran shelf. Yeah yeah, you want to smell fresh,
Speaker 1: you best not pisto off Curtis, don't play around, will
Speaker 1: shut you down walk around smelling musty. So here's the thing. Look,
Speaker 1: whether you are for Elon Musk or against him, you've
Speaker 1: got to admit it is pretty crazy that one man
Speaker 1: is now in control of all of that because before this,
Speaker 1: Jack Dorsey didn't own Twitter. A lot of people think
Speaker 1: he didn't know he had two percent of the shares,
Speaker 1: and even a CEO he s led to answer to
Speaker 1: the board, and the board stiled to answers to the
Speaker 1: shareholders and Twitter itself still had to answer to the SEC.
Speaker 1: But now as a private company, it's just Elon Musk. Yeah,
Speaker 1: everything that happens on Twitter from now on is up
Speaker 1: to him. And also whatever strain his weed guy gives
Speaker 1: him that day. I'm just saying, if he gets the
Speaker 1: wrong cetiva, there could be a race war. People prepare
Speaker 1: yourselves like this is the thing, whether it's a billionaire
Speaker 1: you like or a billionaire you hate. As a society,
Speaker 1: I think we should spend more time interrogating how easy
Speaker 1: it is for billionaires to shape our world in their favor.
Speaker 1: Just think about it. You like it now, you don't
Speaker 1: like it now? But should they be able to do it?
Speaker 1: Oh no? But let's move on from Twitter to a
Speaker 1: real battlefield, the invasion of Ukraine. Since before the invasion began,
Speaker 1: the United States has tried to put pressure on Russia
Speaker 1: using economic sanctions, which is basically taking away your allowance
Speaker 1: but for countries, and the US government has called to
Speaker 1: wide nets. It's gone off to Russian officials, oligox companies, banks,
Speaker 1: and of course Vladimir Putin himself. But it turns out
Speaker 1: there's one high profile Russian who has somehow avoided becoming
Speaker 1: a target. A new report explains why the US has
Speaker 1: so far refused to sanction Vladimir Putin's girlfriend and the
Speaker 1: mother allegedly of his three or three of his children.
Speaker 1: The U s government has considered but then pulled back
Speaker 1: on sanctioning and a woman long removed to be Putin's girlfriend,
Speaker 1: the Russian gymnast Alena Kabeva. This is something that I
Speaker 1: was deemed so sensitive that they decided to hold off
Speaker 1: because they believed that Pluputin's response could be so irrational,
Speaker 1: so angry, um that there would be some sort of backlash. Wow,
Speaker 1: this is interesting. Well, the US government has sanctioned everyone
Speaker 1: except Putin's girlfriend. I guess they watched the oscars and
Speaker 1: they were like, maybe we should stay away from spouses
Speaker 1: just the declared safe and before we get into the
Speaker 1: sanctions or not sanctions. Am I the only person who
Speaker 1: shocked that Vladiman Putin has a girlfriend? Am I the
Speaker 1: only one? Like? If there's any man out there who
Speaker 1: has some red flags, girl, let me tell you about flag. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I know some people like a bad boy, but this
Speaker 1: is next level, like this bad and then this genocide. Okay,
Speaker 1: also Putin must be relieved that the US is not
Speaker 1: sanctioning his girlfriend, because, let's be honest, sanctions take a
Speaker 1: relationship to a whole new level. You know, that puts
Speaker 1: a lot of pressure on the relationship. Can I always
Speaker 1: tell my friends sanctions in a relationship wolf? Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: it's a lot of pressure. Yeah, I'm sure Putin was relieved.
Speaker 1: You know, he can't have America being more serious about
Speaker 1: his relationship than he is. Can you imagine how Pistie's
Speaker 1: girlfriend would be? Is just like, let the how come
Speaker 1: America treat me like your wife? But you still will
Speaker 1: not let me keep toothbrush? Amblin huh vlood dish. Though
Speaker 1: a little over a year ago, thousands of Trump supporters
Speaker 1: stormed the Capitol Building in an attempt to stop the
Speaker 1: election from being certified, and they wanted to declare Donald
Speaker 1: Trumps super president forever, no backseas. Now, what we're surprising
Speaker 1: is that by and large the Republican Party has decided
Speaker 1: not to hold any of that against Donald Trump. And
Speaker 1: I mean, let's be honest, how can you stay murder
Speaker 1: dispace ya ya ya. But the Capital riot, it wasn't
Speaker 1: even the scariest thing that happened on January six, Because
Speaker 1: you see, my friends, we're now finding out that something
Speaker 1: else happened that day. Countless Republicans seem to have had
Speaker 1: their memories erased. I know it sounds crazy, but but okay,
Speaker 1: look at what happened to Kevin McCarthy, the leader of
Speaker 1: the House Republicans and guy who has definitely called rap
Speaker 1: music the hippote hop. He's one of Trump's firmer supporters.
Speaker 1: Never waived in public even after January six. So when
Speaker 1: New York Times reports that McCarthy had privately told colleagues
Speaker 1: that he thought Trump should resign, he denied it fiercely.
Speaker 1: He had no memory of saying anything like that. And
Speaker 1: then the tapes dropped. I've had it with this guy.
Speaker 1: What he did it unacceptable. Um, nobody can defend matter.
Speaker 1: Nobody's defender. I meant I would have with him is
Speaker 1: that it would be my recommendation you should be gone.
Speaker 1: It is my recommendation that he should resign. But yet
Speaker 1: McCarthy's memory of that call was completely wiped. Yeah, on
Speaker 1: January tenth, he was all, I've had it with this guy.
Speaker 1: And then two weeks later he was chilling at Mara lago. Yeah, dude,
Speaker 1: quit Trump the way most of us quit Twitter was like,
Speaker 1: I'm deleting this app. Actually I'm not gonna delete it,
Speaker 1: but I won't check it again until right now. Twe
Speaker 1: twee tweet, did you miss me? And by the way,
Speaker 1: a lot of people were wondering if getting caught on
Speaker 1: tape slamming Donald Trump would be the end of Kevin
Speaker 1: McCarthy's political career. I mean, this is Trump's party, you know.
Speaker 1: If Trump comes out against him, that's it. It's over all.
Speaker 1: It takes is one crying Kevin betrayed me, and it's done.
Speaker 1: But instead Trump came out and said he and McCarthy
Speaker 1: are fine. In fact, he said, I think it's all
Speaker 1: a big compliment. Frankly, they realized they were and supported me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you see, Trump loves this stuff. In fact, if you
Speaker 1: used to be against him and now you're not, he
Speaker 1: likes those people more than someone who loved him the
Speaker 1: whole time, because it shows that he made you bend
Speaker 1: the knee. Yeah, the dude loves converting people more than
Speaker 1: scientologists and vegans combined. Let me tell you something now,
Speaker 1: if Hillary Clinton herself came out right now as pro Trump.
Speaker 1: I don't care what anyone says. Let me tell you
Speaker 1: right now. She would be his new favorite person. He'd
Speaker 1: be like, do we love Crooked Hillary, folks, do we
Speaker 1: love her? There her out let her out let her
Speaker 1: out so good, so good. I love her. I love her.
Speaker 1: She was so cheeky, used to be cheeky. So yeah,
Speaker 1: Kevin McCarthy completely forgot what he said on and around
Speaker 1: January six. But it's not just him. Take Rick Perry,
Speaker 1: Trump's energy secretary. A few months ago, CNN reported that
Speaker 1: Perry was the author of a text message laying out
Speaker 1: a plan for overturning the election, and Perry said, absolutely not,
Speaker 1: it never happened. But then today CNN got hold of
Speaker 1: the complete message and it's actually signed Rick Perry. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I don't know what's worse, the fact that he was
Speaker 1: part of an insurrection or the fact that he signed
Speaker 1: his text message. That's such an old person thing to do.
Speaker 1: It's worse than when my grandfather bought a bigger TV
Speaker 1: because he thought it would fit more channels in it.
Speaker 1: So look, obviously something happened to Rick's memory too. But
Speaker 1: as worried as I am for those guys people, I
Speaker 1: am really concerned about Marjorie Taylor Green, congresswoman from Georgia
Speaker 1: and soccer mom who's definitely slatched the other team's bus hires.
Speaker 1: You see, a few of mtgs constituents have filed a
Speaker 1: lawsuit to disqualify her from Congress based on her role
Speaker 1: in January six. Yeah, apparently there's something in the constitution
Speaker 1: that says you count run for office if you do
Speaker 1: an insurrection against the government. You know how people are
Speaker 1: crazy ideas back then and now, look, we all know
Speaker 1: it's probably not gonna work. But Marjorie Taylor Green was
Speaker 1: still forced to testify at a hearing on Friday, and
Speaker 1: it looks like nobody has been hit harder by January
Speaker 1: six amnesia than her. You didn't talk to anybody in
Speaker 1: government about the fact that they were going to be
Speaker 1: large protests in Washington on January six. I don't remember
Speaker 1: he spoke to Representative Biggs or his staff about that fact,
Speaker 1: didn't you? I do not remember. How about Representative go Sar, Sorry,
Speaker 1: I don't remember. Did anyone ever mention to you the
Speaker 1: possibility that there might be violence in Washington? I don't remember.
Speaker 1: Ms Green. This is a tweet that you sent out
Speaker 1: on January second two one correct, I'm not sure. Okay,
Speaker 1: you don't recall this. I don't recall tweeting that. Now,
Speaker 1: did you advocate the President Trump to impose martial law
Speaker 1: as a way to remain in power? I don't recall.
Speaker 1: You don't recall if you wanted to impose martial law?
Speaker 1: You don't. Wow. I wish I had morder each other
Speaker 1: Green's memory. Yeah, I once said enjoy your dinner to
Speaker 1: a waiter in two thousand three, and I still think
Speaker 1: about it every day every day. Enjoy your dinner, and
Speaker 1: you enjoy your dinner. Kill me. Meanwhile, she can't even
Speaker 1: remember if she told the president to impose martial law. Yo, yo,
Speaker 1: let me tell you something that should be an easy
Speaker 1: one for most people. If you ever asked the president
Speaker 1: to impose martial law, you would never forget something that's specific,
Speaker 1: Like if anyone can't say no to doing something that
Speaker 1: specific and weird, you definitely did that. Ship Um, I
Speaker 1: h Have I ever tried to steal a horse and
Speaker 1: ride it inside a bouncy castle? Um, your honor, I
Speaker 1: do not recall, um, but you gotta admit that sounds
Speaker 1: like something A pretty cool guy would do right, right,
Speaker 1: members of the jury, Right, yeah, but if it's not cool,
Speaker 1: then I do not recall. Yeah, I don't remember. So
Speaker 1: Marjorie Taylor Green spent the entire hearing denying that she
Speaker 1: had any memory of anything to do with January six.
Speaker 1: But it turns out, my friends that they may be
Speaker 1: acute to the same nisia, because one thing that can
Speaker 1: bring it back, even if just for a little bit,
Speaker 1: is evidence. And in another moment, Taylor Green first denied
Speaker 1: that she had called how Speaker Nancy Pelosi a trader
Speaker 1: to her country, before kind of hedging a little bit
Speaker 1: when faced with actual evidence of saying it. In fact,
Speaker 1: you think that Speaker Pelosi is a traitor to the country, right,
Speaker 1: you're I'm not answering that question of speculation. You've you've
Speaker 1: said that, having you in the screen, that she's a
Speaker 1: trader to the country. No, I haven't said that. Okay,
Speaker 1: put up plants Exhibit five please, oh no, wait hold
Speaker 1: on now oh no no wait wait wait wait wait, no,
Speaker 1: no no no, no, Now that you've busted me, I
Speaker 1: remember the whole thing. Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah,
Speaker 1: I remember it now. I love that. Yes, that's that's
Speaker 1: when you tell your mom, yeah, I did my homework
Speaker 1: and she's like, oh yeah, yeah, well let me show
Speaker 1: it to me. And you're like, oh homework, Yeah, I
Speaker 1: thought you meant my work at home. I'll do that now.
Speaker 1: Thank you mom for reminding me. Yeah, no, thank you
Speaker 1: so much for that. Look, man, I mean, clearly this
Speaker 1: person is unqualified for Congress because politicians are supposed to
Speaker 1: be good at lyne Okay, this was just embarrassing. Okay.
Speaker 1: In my defense, I didn't know you had evidence. I mean,
Speaker 1: I never have evidence for the stuff I said. I
Speaker 1: didn't even know that was the thing you could do.
Speaker 1: Keep in mind, people, this stuff only happened a little
Speaker 1: over a year ago. It's not like they're being asked
Speaker 1: to remember their prom dates eye color. These are trick questions.
Speaker 1: But nobody in the Republican Party can seem to remember
Speaker 1: planning the insurrection, or talking about it, or even how
Speaker 1: they felt about it at the time. Kevin McCarthy, Marjorie
Speaker 1: Taylor Green, Jim Jordan's. The list goes on and on.
Speaker 1: When it comes to the events surrounding that day. It's
Speaker 1: almost like it's and e race from their memories, which
Speaker 1: is obviously ridiculous, unless on the next season of Severance,
Speaker 1: did you talk to the White House about trying to
Speaker 1: overturn the election? I do not remember. It's one thing
Speaker 1: to forget work, Governor. The same McCarthy simply doesn't remember
Speaker 1: what he said about Mr Trump's culpability call. You're talking
Speaker 1: about Jim Jordan's can't seem to remember when he talked
Speaker 1: to Trump on January six. I don't know if I
Speaker 1: spoke with him in the morning or not. I just
Speaker 1: don't know when those conversations happened. But what if an
Speaker 1: entire political party it couldn't remember January six? Did you
Speaker 1: talk with other congressmen about overturning the election? I have
Speaker 1: no idea. That's a perfect score. Sometimes it's just easier
Speaker 1: to forget. Hello coming to Apple TV plus this fall,
Speaker 1: the continuing saga of Twitter and Elon Musk. Right yesterday,
Speaker 1: the Tesla CEO and man who has definitely made love
Speaker 1: to a robot officially purchased Twitter, setting off a wave
Speaker 1: of take so hot they burned off my eyebrows and
Speaker 1: I had to draw them back on. Everyone was going crazy.
Speaker 1: Twitter is over, Twitter is back. Twitter killed Jeffrey Epstein
Speaker 1: but one of the biggest takes came from former Twitter
Speaker 1: CEO Jack Dorsey, who gave Musk his stamp of approval, saying,
Speaker 1: I trust his mission to extend the lights of consciousness.
Speaker 1: And I'll be honest, people, I have no idea what
Speaker 1: that means. Yeah, but Jack's clearly on that billionaire speak. Yeah. Now,
Speaker 1: I feel like after you reach a certain networth, you
Speaker 1: just start talking like a stone Jedi. You know. It's like,
Speaker 1: what do I want for lunch? My hunger cannot be
Speaker 1: satiated for I crave justice, So turkey sandwich, Turkey sandwich.
Speaker 1: But all jokes aside. Jack Dorsey is a great guy
Speaker 1: and I wish him a safe journey back to his
Speaker 1: home planets. Um. But not everyone is a chill. Yeah.
Speaker 1: A lot of Twitter uses flat out said that they're
Speaker 1: going to leave the site. That's how much they hate
Speaker 1: the idea of Elon Musk owning it, to which Ellen replied,
Speaker 1: I hope that even my worst critics remain on Twitter,
Speaker 1: because that is what free speech means. Yeah, it was
Speaker 1: really beautiful, and I hope I hope that he means that.
Speaker 1: I really do. I mean, but don't forget this is
Speaker 1: a guy who once personally canceled a bloggers Tesla order
Speaker 1: because of something they wrote about him. So I'm just saying, yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, he has nice intentions, but when you have
Speaker 1: the power to be petty on an epic scale, the
Speaker 1: temptation to do it can be really hard to resist.
Speaker 1: I don't even blame him. I think it will happen
Speaker 1: to him, like if I bought Google. If I bought Google,
Speaker 1: you best believe I would abuse those auto fills. Yeah,
Speaker 1: especially especially around like Emmy voting season. You'd be like
Speaker 1: on Oliver will be like Children's wig collector, Stephen Colbett
Speaker 1: HiT's a Run, Trevor Noah saves puppies. How did that
Speaker 1: happen me? No? No, I just yeah, I just had
Speaker 1: to because Stephen Colby hit the owner and then I
Speaker 1: had to. You know. It's just one of those things.
Speaker 1: But of course, the person everyone was waiting to hear
Speaker 1: from was the former king of Twitter, who would still
Speaker 1: be the king if the throne hadn't been stolen from him.
Speaker 1: I'm talking about Donald Jetski Trump. You see, after getting
Speaker 1: kicked off of Twitter, Trump started his own service called
Speaker 1: truth Social. But now that Ellen owns Twitter, everyone wants
Speaker 1: to know if Trump will come back, and yesterday the
Speaker 1: Tangerine Dream responded someone not on Twitter, Donald Trump. A
Speaker 1: little over a year ago, the former president was banned
Speaker 1: from the site, but even with new ownership, Trump told
Speaker 1: Fox News he will not rejoin and instead stick with
Speaker 1: his own social media platform. I am not going on Twitter.
Speaker 1: I am going to stay on Truth. I hope Elong
Speaker 1: buys Twitter because he'll make improvements to it and he
Speaker 1: is a good man. But I am going to be
Speaker 1: staying on Truth. President Trump this weekend Saturday night at
Speaker 1: his rallies, touting his social media platform, Truth Social, and
Speaker 1: it's plans to take on big tech censorship. Because of
Speaker 1: this digital tyranny, we had to give the American people
Speaker 1: their voice backed by building something called Truth truth Sential,
Speaker 1: Truth Social. Oh man, did this guy just called Truth
Speaker 1: Social Trust Central? What was that? Man? You had one job.
Speaker 1: One job, it's your social media platform, and you messed
Speaker 1: up the name. It's almost like every time Trump speaks
Speaker 1: his own mouth stages in insurrection. That's what happens inside there.
Speaker 1: But yeah, Trump insists that he is not going back
Speaker 1: to Twitter. He's going to stick with Troops Socoe, which
Speaker 1: so far has been a total bust. Apparently the app
Speaker 1: only has five hundred thousand daily users, and to put
Speaker 1: it in perspective, Twitter, the thing that it's supposed to
Speaker 1: be replacing, has two hundred and seventeen million daily users. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so truth Social is competition for Twitter, the same way
Speaker 1: that Gown the plane was competition for Mike Tyson. Also,
Speaker 1: it doesn't vote well that Trump himself has only posted
Speaker 1: on truth Social one time ever. Yeah, and that was
Speaker 1: two months ago. Think about how crazy there is people.
Speaker 1: When he was on Twitter, Trump pets in like what
Speaker 1: fifty tweets every time you went to the bathroom. But
Speaker 1: now he hasn't posted in two months. I'm just saying, man,
Speaker 1: somebod needs to get this guy some prunes, you stack.
Speaker 1: He's in trouble now. Apparently this has been an interesting
Speaker 1: part of the story. Apparently a lot of Republicans are
Speaker 1: secretly thrilled if Trump would never come back to Twitter. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because they don't like the marama that he would create.
Speaker 1: And and it makes sense. Do you remember do you
Speaker 1: remember what it was like when he was on Twitter?
Speaker 1: All right? He would say something you tweet something random,
Speaker 1: like Congress should make it illegal to speak Spanish. And
Speaker 1: then old day reporters would be tracking down Republican senators
Speaker 1: in the whole way. Remember they chased them like do
Speaker 1: you agree with the president that it should be illegal?
Speaker 1: Just make Spanish? And then the senators would have to
Speaker 1: come up with new ways to answer without answering you know,
Speaker 1: you know, because always those weird press conferences. Remember they
Speaker 1: have to evade the questions without angering Trump. It was
Speaker 1: always him in the whole way. Is just being like
Speaker 1: an inundated like the people be like, uh, did I
Speaker 1: see what what the president tweet? And will? I have
Speaker 1: seen Twitter as a company, and I have seen the
Speaker 1: president as well, and I would love to comment on
Speaker 1: this particular tweet, but I'm about to eat this shrimp
Speaker 1: which will give me a severe allergic reaction. Sorry, I
Speaker 1: can't talk. I'm dying. I'm dying throw closing up. Thank
Speaker 1: you very much, No more comments, I'll be honest though.
Speaker 1: The only reason I would want Trump back on Twitter
Speaker 1: the only reason because I know, yes, it would probably
Speaker 1: lead to another term and it would destroy the country.
Speaker 1: But I just I just really want to see his
Speaker 1: WORDLD scores to see him. Can you see him? Every day?
Speaker 1: Being like how could trunk child not be a word.
Speaker 1: I use it all the time. As you know, it
Speaker 1: has been nine weeks now since Vladimir Putin decided the
Speaker 1: best way to improve his international standing was to gently
Speaker 1: slide not into Ukraine's d MS, but into the entire
Speaker 1: Eastern region. And since then the whole world has been
Speaker 1: trying to figure out what to do. How do you
Speaker 1: respond to a madman who has nuclear weapons in his
Speaker 1: back pockets? And the world tried everything. Tried sanctions, tried
Speaker 1: cutting off Putin from international trade, tried blocking his PlayStation
Speaker 1: profile sore he couldn't play Fortnight. And now finally some
Speaker 1: countries have taken it to the next level, with Germany
Speaker 1: sending tanks to Ukraine. Yeah, which the Russians have called
Speaker 1: a major escalation sh And I'll be honest, I agree
Speaker 1: with Russia on that. It is an escalation. You know,
Speaker 1: whenever German tanks show up to anything ships about, it escalates.
Speaker 1: German text never show up and people are like, all right,
Speaker 1: it showed now, Yeah, you know what it's like. It's
Speaker 1: like when a black woman takes off her earrings. There's
Speaker 1: no way things are cooling down from there. Whatever you
Speaker 1: did wrong, you are about to pay. But Russia is
Speaker 1: also doing their own escalations by turning off some of
Speaker 1: Europe's heats overnight, a drastic move Russia cutting all gas
Speaker 1: deliveries to Bulgaria and Poland to NATO members. This comes
Speaker 1: after Putin's ultimatum last month demanding that quote unfriendly nations
Speaker 1: pay for gas and Russian rubles. Poland's prime minister not
Speaker 1: backing down, saying we will be able to protect our economy,
Speaker 1: protect our households and polls against such a dramatic step
Speaker 1: by Russia. Bulgarian officials say they are working with state
Speaker 1: gas companies on alternative sources, while Poland says it has
Speaker 1: been working for years to produce its reliance and sun
Speaker 1: Russian gas and there wouldn't be a shortage of gas
Speaker 1: in Polish hounds. Things are getting tense. Yeah, Russia says
Speaker 1: no more gas for Poland than Bulgaria, and then response
Speaker 1: Poland Bulgaria like screw you, we don't need your gas,
Speaker 1: we have our own. And then just to prove the points,
Speaker 1: Poland Bulgaria posted selfies of themselves surrounded by gas. Yeah,
Speaker 1: classic breakup behavior. But this is the thing that's gonna
Speaker 1: suck for Russia. Their main leverage is that their gas
Speaker 1: provides Europe's heat, but as the months get warmer, the
Speaker 1: negotiating power goes down. You know. It's the same way
Speaker 1: your gym teacher has all the power over YouTube make
Speaker 1: push ups, like what you're gonna do during the school year,
Speaker 1: but let me meet you over the summer vacation, and
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, it's like, you have no power here,
Speaker 1: Mr Papadopoulos. Why don't you do push ups? Bitch? He's like,
Speaker 1: I'll see you in September, but I'm here now. So
Speaker 1: you know what, good for Poland and Bulgaria because most
Speaker 1: European countries are still buying Putin's gas. Yeah, many of
Speaker 1: them say they can't help it, which you have to
Speaker 1: admit is a little weird. You know. It's like if
Speaker 1: the people of Gotham were obsessed with the Joker's taco truck.
Speaker 1: You know, it's like, look, I mean, this guy is
Speaker 1: definitely a super villain, but have you tried his Alpa store?
Speaker 1: I mean, it is amazing. Here's the thing, So this
Speaker 1: is this is the thing. The underlying issue is a
Speaker 1: little more complicated than gas or no gas. Right. What
Speaker 1: happens is Russia wants to be paid for its gas
Speaker 1: in rubles, right, the Russian currency, because that way European
Speaker 1: countries have to keep buying rubles, which keeps the currency alive.
Speaker 1: So I understand why Russia is so mad at getting
Speaker 1: paid in a currency that they don't want. You know, like,
Speaker 1: have you ever gotten a gift from like your little
Speaker 1: nephew that's like a coupon for one free hug. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't want that ship. I want cold, hot cash.
Speaker 1: Jimmy hugs always free? Are you stupid? Anyway, let's move on,
Speaker 1: Timmy pisses me off man. For years, flight attendance in
Speaker 1: America have complained about well two things. One idiots who
Speaker 1: pressed the cold but when they meant to turn on
Speaker 1: the lights, and too the way they get paid. Well. Now,
Speaker 1: finally Delta Airlines is taking care of one of those issues.
Speaker 1: Flight attendants with Delta will soon be getting paid a
Speaker 1: little bit more money. The airline says it will now
Speaker 1: start paying cabin crews during boarding. Up until now, flight
Speaker 1: attendants did not start getting paid until the passengers were
Speaker 1: seated in the planes doors closed. That was the moment
Speaker 1: that their pay started. Delta says the change will start
Speaker 1: June second, as the company faces the possibility if it's
Speaker 1: more than twenty tho flight attendants forming their own union,
Speaker 1: the change could increase some attendance wages by several thousand
Speaker 1: dollars every year. Yeah, leave it or not. Flight attendance
Speaker 1: in America do not get paid during the boarding process,
Speaker 1: which is crazy. Just think about your at work doing work,
Speaker 1: but your boss is like, no, this is your free time.
Speaker 1: What I only pay you when the doors are closed.
Speaker 1: That's wild. It also sucks for flight attendance on Spirit
Speaker 1: Airlines because they don't even have doors. What do they do?
Speaker 1: Do they work for free? How does that should work?
Speaker 1: Because here's the thing, people, the boarding process is not easy.
Speaker 1: If anything, they should be getting paid extra for that part.
Speaker 1: You've got to deal with passengers who suddenly don't know
Speaker 1: how numbers work. Does twenty three come before four? And
Speaker 1: what number is gay? And then on top of that,
Speaker 1: they have to deal with out bags that never fits.
Speaker 1: And by the way, coo, why do the bags never fits?
Speaker 1: No honest question, why do they never It's calling overhead
Speaker 1: back right, but it doesn't fit into the overhead? Why
Speaker 1: do they call it that? They shouldn't be allowed to
Speaker 1: sell it to you can quote an overhead back when
Speaker 1: it won't put into over because now I'm the idiot
Speaker 1: blocking the traffic. And then like everyone's looking at me,
Speaker 1: no one's getting paid, and I'm gonna I swear there's
Speaker 1: starts any would fit in the overhead there's none there,
Speaker 1: Like you're an idiot. I'm not over in bag, but no,
Speaker 1: no gonna over That's what the FBI should be focusing on.
Speaker 1: That's the real crime. Will sell me a bag that
Speaker 1: makes me look like an idiot? By the way, did
Speaker 1: you notice how Delta suddenly said it was going to
Speaker 1: change this rule only after they learned that flights attendants
Speaker 1: are trying to form a union. Yeah, interesting timing. It
Speaker 1: was like like that, Margery Taylor Green Moore, Oh you
Speaker 1: mean that a union? Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Nothing scares these
Speaker 1: giant airlines more than unions. Like if someone yelled bomb
Speaker 1: in an airport and someone else yelled union, they honestly
Speaker 1: wouldn't know who to tackle first. And I'm gonna give
Speaker 1: these flights attendances a lot of credit because let me
Speaker 1: tell you something, man, people fly all the time. You
Speaker 1: see these people working hard, But I didn't know that
Speaker 1: they weren't getting paid while the player you did. I
Speaker 1: don't know that they're really patient people. If I was
Speaker 1: working for free during the whole boarding process, I would
Speaker 1: have been way less friendly than yo. I would have
Speaker 1: been in that airport like ze one, Zone one. Get
Speaker 1: the hell up on the plane right now. Come, I'm
Speaker 1: trying to get paid. Move your dumb man. Put the
Speaker 1: thing on the thing there, man, And I saw you.
Speaker 1: I swear I saw. If any of you broke a
Speaker 1: zone four months even trying to get in line right now,
Speaker 1: I will have the t s a water board yours.
Speaker 1: Get back zone four. Sit down. You know who you is.
Speaker 1: I work in a fro all right. Finally, let's talk
Speaker 1: about COVID nineteen. It's the only one of us that's
Speaker 1: seen Kamala Harrison like three months. As we all know,
Speaker 1: a little over two years ago, a bat in China
Speaker 1: didn't cover its mouth when it sneezed in a lab
Speaker 1: after visiting a food market, and that started a pandemic,
Speaker 1: and the world has never been the same. But now
Speaker 1: Anthony Fauci, America's most renowned infectious disease scientists and most
Speaker 1: ready for retirement human, has come out with some news
Speaker 1: that has left people shook. Listen to this Dr Anthony
Speaker 1: Fauci telling PBS News that America is out of the
Speaker 1: pandemic phase. We are certainly right now in this country
Speaker 1: out of the pandemic phase. Namely, we don't have nine
Speaker 1: hundred thousand new infections a day and tens and tens
Speaker 1: and tens of thousands of hospitalizations and thousands of debts.
Speaker 1: We are at a low level right now. We're not
Speaker 1: going to eradicate this virus if we can keep that
Speaker 1: level very low and intermittently vaccinate people. And I don't
Speaker 1: know how often that would have to be, but right
Speaker 1: now we are not in the pandemic phase in this country.
Speaker 1: Whom pre come damic tenses. Oh my god, I'm not happy.
Speaker 1: I'm vobbing math. Oh man, I've been waiting for this
Speaker 1: moment since much of Do the balloon drop here? Oh?
Speaker 1: Oh wait? These are oh man? Are They're supposed to
Speaker 1: be like fully inflated, but I we blew them up
Speaker 1: in April. We thought it was only gonna be a
Speaker 1: few weeks. But I guess, uh, things are tough. It's
Speaker 1: just like this little inside, these things still inside. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: what is that COVID anyway. But yeah, Fauci says America
Speaker 1: is no longer in a pandemic phase, which is cool,
Speaker 1: but don't let these balloons fool you. Doesn't mean we're
Speaker 1: out of the pandemic. A lot of people actually misinterpreted
Speaker 1: this news today. They were like, the pandemic is over.
Speaker 1: Time to tongue kiss my grandmother again. Man, time to
Speaker 1: tongue cass my grandside. Agad. They're a very loving family.
Speaker 1: But that's not what this means. What Fauci was saying
Speaker 1: is that America is currently not in a pandemic phase,
Speaker 1: as in, not in a pandemic right now, but it's
Speaker 1: not over. It could come back or it could go away.
Speaker 1: But it could come back or go you don't know. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's a phase. It's sort of like wide legged jeans.
Speaker 1: They disappeared for twenty years and now suddenly everyone looks
Speaker 1: like that's to borrow a pair of pants from shack.
Speaker 1: You know. But as much as you want to get
Speaker 1: angry at people, here's the thing, Dr Fauci, How did
Speaker 1: you not know? How do you not know? By now?
Speaker 1: How stupid people are? Huh, We're all stupid. You can't
Speaker 1: just say pandemic phases over. Oh when you say that, oh,
Speaker 1: we here is party time. I feel like that's been
Speaker 1: the major failure of this pandemic is that the scientists
Speaker 1: have been communicating directly with the public without somebody to
Speaker 1: interpret what they're saying. That's bound to cause chaos. Right,
Speaker 1: we don't understand scientists speak. It's the reason God didn't
Speaker 1: speak directly to the people. He always went through a messenger.
Speaker 1: You know. He was like, Noah, sooner I will purge
Speaker 1: the learned of all certain and vice, or henceforth, abundance
Speaker 1: may spring forth. And whence there was squalor, things will change.
Speaker 1: And no one was like, I gotcha, Hey, yo, grab
Speaker 1: a giraffe. Shit's about to get wet. Now we understand Afghanistan.
Speaker 1: For months now, we have known that the Biden administration
Speaker 1: completely butched the exit of American troops from America's longest war.
Speaker 1: Yeah even the Game of Thrones. Guys were like wolf
Speaker 1: rough ending. But now, for the first time we're learning
Speaker 1: the details of how costly this mistake actually was. We
Speaker 1: do have some new c and in reporting this morning
Speaker 1: in the US left behind seven billion dollars worth of
Speaker 1: military equipment in the chaotic withdrawal from Afghanistan last year.
Speaker 1: That equipment now in the hands of the Taliban. What
Speaker 1: kind of equipment is it? According to the report, a
Speaker 1: few details aircraft, munitions, military vehicles, weapons, communications, gere, a
Speaker 1: lot of it. It requires very precise maintenance to remain usable.
Speaker 1: They don't know if the Taliban have been able to
Speaker 1: keep all of this stuff running. That's a that's a
Speaker 1: key question that they may never get an answer to.
Speaker 1: They left seven billion dollars worth of military equipment in Afghanistan.
Speaker 1: How is it even possible, Like because I get anxiety
Speaker 1: leaving a hotel in a hurry, you know, I get that,
Speaker 1: you know, like when you're rushing and then you forget
Speaker 1: your toothbrush. But let me tell you something, if I
Speaker 1: left seven billion dollars worth of toothbrushes, we're turning this
Speaker 1: uber around. People were going back now. According to the
Speaker 1: people who left the stuff behind, and this this one
Speaker 1: was really interesting. They say this might not be an
Speaker 1: issue because they say the Taliban might not be able
Speaker 1: to operate this stuff anyway because of how complicated it is.
Speaker 1: And first of all, I feel like they're just saying
Speaker 1: that to cover their ass. Second of all how they're
Speaker 1: gonna act like the Taliban doesn't have YouTube. You can
Speaker 1: find anything on YouTube. Anything you're telling me only Americans
Speaker 1: can use this equipment. But the Taliban cons they're acting
Speaker 1: like to turn the tank on, you have to say
Speaker 1: say saying like the theme song to friends. You know
Speaker 1: it's gonna be like, come on, guys, you gotta get
Speaker 1: the claps right. It's not working. What's happening. Here's my question.
Speaker 1: Here's my question. American never has the money for anything,
Speaker 1: all right. There's not enough money for healthcare, there's not
Speaker 1: enough money for education. There's not enough money to finally
Speaker 1: finish the Washington Monument by putting two balls on it.
Speaker 1: But America has no problem with leaving behind seven billion
Speaker 1: dollars worth of weapons. How come that never happens any
Speaker 1: other way? Like just once, I would love to turn
Speaker 1: on the news and here's something like this, just sound
Speaker 1: the government has too much money for healthcare, so everyone
Speaker 1: gets a free butt lift. It's mind boggling, people, It's
Speaker 1: mind boggling how much money America wastes on the military.
Speaker 1: And don't let them trick you into saying like, oh no,
Speaker 1: it goes to the troops because it doesn't go to
Speaker 1: the troops, right, the troops are not balling in the club. No,
Speaker 1: the defense contractors is where the money goes. And then
Speaker 1: you hear these people are like, well, we need to
Speaker 1: spend that money to keep people safe. But let me
Speaker 1: ask you this, what's more threatening to people in America
Speaker 1: a group of rebels in some foreign country, or healthcare?
Speaker 1: Nobody can afford toxic drinking water, poverty, pollution. Because if
Speaker 1: our was America, I would spend my war money on
Speaker 1: the biggest threats. Yeah, that's what I would do. And
Speaker 1: then I would send the Taliban flints, old water pipes.
Speaker 1: That's how it fights. You don't need missiles, just send
Speaker 1: that ship. Yeah, try drinking now. All right, But let's
Speaker 1: move on to England, the world's number one exporter of
Speaker 1: Benedict cumberbatchers, because you may know, UK Parliament can be
Speaker 1: a pretty rowdy place. You know, every day people are
Speaker 1: shouting and booing at each other like the crowd at
Speaker 1: the world's pastiest rap battle. But it turns out that
Speaker 1: there is something that you're not allowed to do on
Speaker 1: the floor, as one British politician found out. The Conservative
Speaker 1: Party has launched an investigation into claims by some of
Speaker 1: its female MPs that a Tory colleague watched pawn on
Speaker 1: his mobile phone in the House of Commons itself. Who
Speaker 1: is the Tory MP accused of watching pornography in the Commons?
Speaker 1: We still don't know that. Government ministers have lined up
Speaker 1: today to condemn him, saying there's no place for pornography
Speaker 1: in any workplace. The MP could be suspended and thrown
Speaker 1: out of the Conservative Party, and the story has reignited
Speaker 1: criticism of the overall culture in parliament. A member of
Speaker 1: the UK's Conservative Party was caught watching pawn during a
Speaker 1: session and now he could be expelled for it. And
Speaker 1: I'll be honest, I'm just trying to understand the motivation here. No,
Speaker 1: not like like what part of parliament made this guy
Speaker 1: want to watch pawn? Like what what what turned him on?
Speaker 1: Was there some new legislation that was getting him hot.
Speaker 1: Was that some other minister who was like, this country
Speaker 1: is going deeper and deeper into debt We cannot put
Speaker 1: out at this point. It's just like little boys, boo boys.
Speaker 1: And you know, if you ask me, kicking him out
Speaker 1: wasn't the right punishment. Man. What they should be doing
Speaker 1: is what parents do when they catch a kids smoking cigarettes. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they should force them to watch all of porn. Humb
Speaker 1: I'll teach him a lesson. He'll be like, oh, I've
Speaker 1: seen all the categories I didn't know existed. Please new
Speaker 1: Congress at Koka. You know, Jesus, it's too much. Mitch
Speaker 1: McConnell like that. You saw him in your mind? That
Speaker 1: was funny. Poet of You was like, ah, I saw it, Trevor.
Speaker 1: I mean, look, I get that Britain doesn't want its
Speaker 1: politicians watching porn at work, you know, but I will
Speaker 1: say I think the one exception should be the royal family. No,
Speaker 1: I think pawn could really open their eyes to the
Speaker 1: beauty of interracial relationships. You know, that could be a
Speaker 1: good thing for them. Oh and finally, and finally, do
Speaker 1: you want to talk about politicians getting into weird trouble?
Speaker 1: And there's no better example than Donald J. Trump, President
Speaker 1: of the United States and phantom of the Mara Lago
Speaker 1: coving station. You see, the former president is currently being
Speaker 1: sued for inciting violence against protesters, and it's gotten serious
Speaker 1: enough that he was actually forced to testify about it.
Speaker 1: Former President Donald Trump testified under oath he was worried
Speaker 1: that protesters would curl things at him and that they
Speaker 1: were dangerous, as part of his deposition from back in
Speaker 1: October for a civil lawsuit in New York where activists
Speaker 1: claim that the former president's bodyguards violently broke up protests
Speaker 1: outside Trump Tower back in Okay. First of all, it's
Speaker 1: crazy that there are so many Trump scandals that he's
Speaker 1: literally getting dragon to court for something we didn't even
Speaker 1: know was a thing, Like did you know this was
Speaker 1: a thing? Did you nobody knew? Nobodyknew about this? I
Speaker 1: didn't Trump last So like Nicolas Cage movies, there's like
Speaker 1: a bunch where you're like, he lost a pig? When
Speaker 1: did that happen? But anyway, Trump was being sued for
Speaker 1: inciting violence to protests right against protesters rather and then
Speaker 1: he came up with one of the most crazy defenses
Speaker 1: I've ever heard. This might be my favorite story of
Speaker 1: the year. And to fully understand the story, you have
Speaker 1: to hear the actual deposition that Trump gave in the case. Now,
Speaker 1: unfortunately there's no recording, but fortunately there is a transcript,
Speaker 1: So to give you a little taste, I'm gonna get
Speaker 1: some help from our very own Michael cost to everybody,
Speaker 1: I see for your for your understanding and enjoyment. Costa
Speaker 1: and I are going to read sections from the transcript
Speaker 1: for you. Now. He will be reading the parts of
Speaker 1: various lawyers, and I will be playing Donald Jack Fruit Trump.
Speaker 1: And again we're just gonna read excerpts from the actual transcript,
Speaker 1: because I promise you no comedy writes up is gonna
Speaker 1: come up with something funnier than this. Are you guys ready,
Speaker 1: So just so you understand, the key section begins with
Speaker 1: lawyers playing a video from Trump. Ready, if you see
Speaker 1: somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap
Speaker 1: out of avoid. You're seriously knock the crap out of him?
Speaker 1: Would you? That was your statement? Oh yeah, it was
Speaker 1: very dangerous. We were threatened with what they were gonna
Speaker 1: throw fruit. We were threatened, We had a threat. How
Speaker 1: did you become aware that there was a threat that
Speaker 1: people were gonna throw fruit? We were told, We were told,
Speaker 1: and you get hit with fruit. It's no, it's very
Speaker 1: violence stuff. We were on alert for that. The tomato
Speaker 1: is a fruit, after all, I guess it has seeds.
Speaker 1: It's worse than a tomato. It's other things also, but tomato,
Speaker 1: when they start doing that stuff, it's very dangerous. It's
Speaker 1: very dangerous stuff. You can get killed with those things.
Speaker 1: I wanted to have people be ready because we were
Speaker 1: put on alert that they were gonna do. They were
Speaker 1: gonna do to fruit, and some fruit is a lot
Speaker 1: worse than tomatoes are bad, by the way, but it's
Speaker 1: very dangerous. No, I wanted them to watch. They were
Speaker 1: on alert. They were gonna hit, They were gonna hit hard.
Speaker 1: Do you have any knowledge as to whether or not
Speaker 1: anybody was found to have tomatoes in their possession on
Speaker 1: that date. I don't know, But it didn't happen. It
Speaker 1: worked out that nothing happened. We heard it was gonna happen,
Speaker 1: but nothing happened, Mr President, is your expectation that if
Speaker 1: your security guards see someone about to throw a tomato,
Speaker 1: that they should knock the crap out of them, Well, tomato,
Speaker 1: a pineapple, a lot of other things they throw. They
Speaker 1: have to be aggressive and stopping that from happening because
Speaker 1: if that happens, you can be killed if that happens,
Speaker 1: and getting aggressive includes the use of physical force to
Speaker 1: stop somebody from throwing pineapples, tomatoes, bananas, stuff, like that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's dangerous stuff. I have no further questions, and see, okay,
Speaker 1: I can get my chucky pansy. I couldn't go about you.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Thank you, thank you very much
Speaker 1: for character. How two men show the presidents on the
Speaker 1: fruits will be off Broadway soon again. That conversation and
Speaker 1: rarely happened with the former president of the United States.
Speaker 1: I will say this, He's not wrong about being hit
Speaker 1: with a pineapple being dangerous, you know. I mean, that's
Speaker 1: got spikes built in and a banana too. It might
Speaker 1: not seem dangerous, but remember someone throws a banana comes
Speaker 1: right back at them, so you can just throw it
Speaker 1: at you, keep hitting you over and over again. You
Speaker 1: know what, I think the worst fruit is to get
Speaker 1: hit with honeyed you. Yeah. No, not because it's hard,
Speaker 1: just because you could get someone within your mouth and
Speaker 1: that ship is disgusted. I gotta hope it hits me
Speaker 1: in the head and kills me so I don't have
Speaker 1: to taste it. That's what I hoped for. But not people.
Speaker 1: This is serious stuff, and it's actually caused the Secret
Speaker 1: Service to alter their methods. I'm told that we've obtained
Speaker 1: a classified training video that shows how Secret Service protesters
Speaker 1: are now going to be dealt with. And here's some
Speaker 1: of the new training incredible, rarely incredible. Before we go,
Speaker 1: I just wanted to remind you that Nellie, four thousand
Speaker 1: homes have been destroyed and more than forty people have
Speaker 1: been displaced by the floods and the mudslides in my
Speaker 1: home country, South Africa. Now. Gift of the Givers is
Speaker 1: a South African based disaster relief organization on the ground
Speaker 1: helping those who have been affected by the flood So
Speaker 1: if you can help them in their work in any way,
Speaker 1: then please donate at the link below. Watch the Daily
Speaker 1: Show weeknights at eleven central on Comedy Central and stream
Speaker 1: full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a
Speaker 1: Comedy Central podcast.