WEBVTT - Why It’s Never Too Late To Bet On Yourself 0:00:14.956 --> 0:00:32.156 Pushkin hay Slight Changers. I can't believe I get to 0:00:32.196 --> 0:00:35.996 say this, but Brenee Brown is launching my new book, 0:00:36.236 --> 0:00:39.636 The Other Side of Change into the World. Join me 0:00:39.756 --> 0:00:43.156 for an exclusive virtual conversation with Brene on the eve 0:00:43.316 --> 0:00:47.156 of my book launch, January twelfth, at eight pm Eastern. 0:00:47.996 --> 0:00:51.636 Brene's work has shaped my understanding of resilience, and I'm 0:00:51.676 --> 0:00:54.596 delighted that she believes in this book as much as 0:00:54.676 --> 0:00:57.676 I do. You can register for the event at the 0:00:57.716 --> 0:01:01.316 link in the show notes or at changewithmaya dot com 0:01:01.356 --> 0:01:04.876 slash launch. The event is open to anyone who has 0:01:04.916 --> 0:01:09.116 pre ordered the book from any retailer in the US. 0:01:09.236 --> 0:01:13.196 Are limited and registration closes on December fourteenth, so sign 0:01:13.236 --> 0:01:16.196 up soon, and if you can't make the event live, 0:01:16.436 --> 0:01:19.396 don't worry, a recording will be sent to everyone who 0:01:19.476 --> 0:01:23.316 signs up. I can't wait to see you there. Okay, 0:01:23.556 --> 0:01:24.636 Now onto Zarna Garg. 0:01:26.076 --> 0:01:28.916 People have always said that I'm funny. That is one 0:01:28.956 --> 0:01:31.676 thing I've had my whole life, and my whole life, 0:01:31.716 --> 0:01:34.156 I was a great. Of all the gifts that I 0:01:34.196 --> 0:01:39.516 could have gotten, I got this funny. What are you doing? Funny? Nothing? 0:01:40.396 --> 0:01:43.916 When Zarna garg was growing up in Mumbai, her ability 0:01:43.956 --> 0:01:47.236 to make people laugh didn't register as a valuable skill, 0:01:47.836 --> 0:01:50.596 but today she is one of the most in demand 0:01:50.636 --> 0:01:54.796 comedians in America. She's open for people like Amy Poehler 0:01:54.956 --> 0:01:58.956 and Tina Fey, and has starred in two solo comedy specials. 0:01:59.516 --> 0:02:02.116 Zarna first step foot on a comedy stage when she 0:02:02.236 --> 0:02:05.796 was forty four years old, and she's quickly become known 0:02:05.916 --> 0:02:07.276 for her irreverence style. 0:02:07.796 --> 0:02:12.076 A little about me. I'm an immigrant. I'm here to 0:02:12.116 --> 0:02:17.156 take your jobs. Wat job, Jerry Seinfeld. 0:02:19.356 --> 0:02:23.076 But she doesn't just take risks on stage. What's defined 0:02:23.116 --> 0:02:26.756 her success in life is a high tolerance for discomfort 0:02:27.156 --> 0:02:29.996 and a steadfast trust in her own instincts. 0:02:30.516 --> 0:02:33.516 Courage is a learned behavior. Nobody gave it to me. 0:02:33.676 --> 0:02:35.916 I have to give it to me. A lot of 0:02:35.916 --> 0:02:38.556 people say I just don't have it in me, as 0:02:38.596 --> 0:02:41.916 if other people just got it and they didn't. It's 0:02:41.956 --> 0:02:44.796 not like that. You can learn courage the way you 0:02:44.916 --> 0:02:46.076 learned to walk. 0:02:50.436 --> 0:02:53.876 On Today's show, why It's never too late to bet 0:02:53.916 --> 0:03:00.996 on yourself. I'm Maya Shunker, a scientist who studies human behavior, 0:03:01.516 --> 0:03:04.476 and this is a slight change of plans a show 0:03:04.556 --> 0:03:07.196 about who we are and who we become in the 0:03:07.196 --> 0:03:19.596 face of a big change. I first encountered Zarna while 0:03:19.596 --> 0:03:23.676 scrolling YouTube one day and instantly found her both relatable 0:03:23.916 --> 0:03:24.796 and hilarious. 0:03:25.396 --> 0:03:28.076 Everywhere you know. My eleven year old son came home 0:03:28.076 --> 0:03:30.996 from school the other day and he goes, mom, my, teth. 0:03:31.076 --> 0:03:33.956 School has asked me to declare my pronouns. What should 0:03:33.956 --> 0:03:36.716 I say? I said, you tell them you are Indian. 0:03:36.796 --> 0:03:38.036 Your pronoun is doctor. 0:03:40.716 --> 0:03:43.396 But I didn't know much about her personal story and 0:03:43.476 --> 0:03:47.196 how exactly she scaled comedy heights until I read her 0:03:47.196 --> 0:03:51.236 best selling memoir, This American Woman. As I would come 0:03:51.276 --> 0:03:55.076 to learn, Zarna's courage to determine her own path was 0:03:55.076 --> 0:03:57.956 a reaction to a life she knew she didn't want. 0:03:58.836 --> 0:04:01.516 Zarna grew up in India in the nineteen eighties in 0:04:01.556 --> 0:04:04.756 a well to do family. Things were comfortable, but she 0:04:04.876 --> 0:04:09.716 always felt that her rebellious, outspoken personality type ran against 0:04:09.836 --> 0:04:13.356 the cultural norms in her family. Things came to a 0:04:13.436 --> 0:04:16.596 head when she was fourteen and her dad told her 0:04:16.756 --> 0:04:19.516 it was time for an arranged marriage. 0:04:19.916 --> 0:04:22.636 I just didn't want it. Look I thought I had 0:04:22.676 --> 0:04:26.316 the choice. I assumed that I'm being asked do I 0:04:26.436 --> 0:04:29.116 want to do it? So that was the first big 0:04:29.156 --> 0:04:31.116 wake up call that no one was asking me. I 0:04:31.196 --> 0:04:34.436 was being told that this is what we're doing, and 0:04:34.476 --> 0:04:37.436 that if I didn't want it, then that means I 0:04:37.476 --> 0:04:40.236 got to figure out my own life somewhere else. My 0:04:40.356 --> 0:04:44.116 dad couldn't understand what my problem was, and in his mind, 0:04:44.276 --> 0:04:47.596 he was asking for a very reasonable thing. He's like, 0:04:47.676 --> 0:04:50.996 you would have gotten married at sixteen seventeen anyway, All 0:04:51.076 --> 0:04:54.756 my siblings were married before they turned twenty, and often 0:04:54.796 --> 0:04:57.356 in the arranged setting. To be very crass about it, 0:04:57.996 --> 0:05:00.996 if you're younger, you get a better deal. In fact, 0:05:00.996 --> 0:05:03.796 many people back then didn't understand what my problem was, 0:05:04.276 --> 0:05:07.316 including women, including a lot of my aunts who were 0:05:07.436 --> 0:05:09.956 arranged themselves. They were like, you know, he's going to 0:05:09.996 --> 0:05:11.836 find a nice guy for you, Like why are you 0:05:11.836 --> 0:05:12.876 fighting this so much? 0:05:13.316 --> 0:05:17.596 If you could articulate exactly what you were rejecting when 0:05:17.636 --> 0:05:23.316 you were rejecting your father's decision to give you an 0:05:23.356 --> 0:05:27.556 arranged marriage, what were you rejecting? What were you resisting? 0:05:28.636 --> 0:05:32.876 What my father was offering me was security, Like we 0:05:32.956 --> 0:05:35.996 will place you in a situation where you will be secure, 0:05:36.596 --> 0:05:40.756 and your baseline will be determined, like the floor is set. 0:05:41.756 --> 0:05:44.716 But what I saw was that along with the floor, 0:05:44.716 --> 0:05:48.436 the ceiling is set, because this family is now going 0:05:48.516 --> 0:05:51.476 to decide what I can and cannot do. And I 0:05:52.196 --> 0:05:56.116 remember thinking, I'm going to bet that I can do 0:05:56.236 --> 0:05:59.316 better than whatever this is, Like, why do I need 0:05:59.356 --> 0:06:02.836 somebody to set the ceiling for me? Why can't I 0:06:02.956 --> 0:06:06.476 determine my own ceiling? I mean, I remember reading about 0:06:06.556 --> 0:06:09.436 women who were lawyers and doctors and things, king like 0:06:09.476 --> 0:06:12.556 why can't I be one of those people. I remember 0:06:12.636 --> 0:06:15.356 reading in a lot of different places that life is 0:06:15.356 --> 0:06:18.036 a gamble. You don't know how it's gonna work. I 0:06:18.116 --> 0:06:21.516 remember thinking to myself that if life is a gamble, 0:06:21.596 --> 0:06:23.036 I will gamble on myself. 0:06:23.876 --> 0:06:27.756 That's so beautifully said. I'm going to better myself, But. 0:06:27.756 --> 0:06:29.796 I had no basis for it. Just so people know, 0:06:30.396 --> 0:06:33.436 had no I had no business believing in myself. 0:06:33.556 --> 0:06:36.956 Yeah, that that's a bad. 0:06:34.556 --> 0:06:39.436 As to lead anybody to believe that they should believe 0:06:39.476 --> 0:06:41.756 in me, or me should believe in myself. 0:06:42.756 --> 0:06:46.156 You said that you knew if you rejected your dad's 0:06:47.276 --> 0:06:49.076 I was going to say advice, but it's not advice. 0:06:49.196 --> 0:06:52.996 His proclamation of how things ought to happen, how things 0:06:53.076 --> 0:06:55.636 were going to happen, you would need to find your 0:06:55.676 --> 0:06:59.116 own way in your life. Tell me about what the 0:06:59.116 --> 0:07:01.796 conversation looked like in which you said no, I don't 0:07:01.796 --> 0:07:03.036 want this, and what followed. 0:07:03.796 --> 0:07:07.196 I so clearly remember him saying I am done parenting. 0:07:08.116 --> 0:07:10.716 I am done. So when he said, well, if you 0:07:10.756 --> 0:07:13.036 don't want to do this, you can't live here anymore, 0:07:13.916 --> 0:07:15.916 I think he thought, oh, well, she's going to go 0:07:15.916 --> 0:07:17.836 to a friend's house for one night, and then she's 0:07:17.876 --> 0:07:20.516 going to come back and reality will hit and then 0:07:20.556 --> 0:07:25.836 we'll be back on track for his agenda. I think 0:07:25.916 --> 0:07:29.556 what neither of us expected is how big headed both 0:07:29.596 --> 0:07:32.356 of us were going to be about it. And I 0:07:32.396 --> 0:07:34.796 certainly did not think that he would dig in his 0:07:34.876 --> 0:07:39.436 heels as hard as he did. Like my extremely Western 0:07:39.596 --> 0:07:43.356 oriented influenced mind, I was like, is he crazy? Like 0:07:43.596 --> 0:07:46.556 why is this an issue? I'm just I'm home, I'm 0:07:46.556 --> 0:07:49.276 doing my school work. Like I wasn't, Like even though 0:07:49.276 --> 0:07:52.796 I was a rebellious kid, I wasn't creating problems for anybody. Yeah, 0:07:52.876 --> 0:07:56.076 like people need to know, Like it's not because in America, 0:07:56.156 --> 0:07:58.996 when a teen is rebellious, you're like assuming all these 0:07:59.036 --> 0:08:03.476 like is she getting pregnant? I was reading the newspaper 0:08:03.716 --> 0:08:07.036 exact like to me, it was like he has to 0:08:07.076 --> 0:08:10.396 come around, like this cannot be my only option. But 0:08:10.476 --> 0:08:12.316 it pretty much was in his eyes. 0:08:12.796 --> 0:08:15.076 What was that period like? And how long did it last? 0:08:15.156 --> 0:08:16.756 How did you survive outside of your home? 0:08:17.636 --> 0:08:19.556 You know, when you're a teenager and you have a 0:08:19.596 --> 0:08:22.596 life full of friends, You're like, fine, I'll go stay 0:08:22.636 --> 0:08:26.036 with my friend. We've been trying to do sleepovers for 0:08:26.076 --> 0:08:29.436 the last year. And when I left, I left with 0:08:29.556 --> 0:08:31.956 the mindset that this is gonna blow over and in 0:08:31.996 --> 0:08:34.156 the meantime, I will stay with my friends and figure 0:08:34.196 --> 0:08:38.716 it out. I think reality hit me when after two 0:08:38.796 --> 0:08:41.436 days my best friend's mom said, I think you need 0:08:41.476 --> 0:08:44.836 to go home. And that's when I was like, oh no, 0:08:45.316 --> 0:08:49.196 Like where am I gonna go? Like what home? You know, 0:08:49.236 --> 0:08:51.916 because I when I left, my dad was very clear 0:08:51.956 --> 0:08:54.356 that you're not coming back here unless you're ready to 0:08:54.396 --> 0:08:58.876 fall into line with the plan. And then it became 0:08:58.916 --> 0:09:00.996 a story of like, let me try this friend, and 0:09:01.076 --> 0:09:04.436 let me try this auntie, and who lives nearby and 0:09:04.516 --> 0:09:07.036 who is a commutable distance and how am I going 0:09:07.076 --> 0:09:09.836 to get there? Things that I had never worried about 0:09:09.956 --> 0:09:10.476 until then. 0:09:10.956 --> 0:09:15.516 Yeah, were you ever fearful during this extended period because 0:09:15.516 --> 0:09:17.556 at the time you thought it was a transient state, Right, 0:09:17.636 --> 0:09:18.996 I'm going to be back in a couple of days. 0:09:19.356 --> 0:09:23.036 But as the months and the years passed, what did 0:09:23.076 --> 0:09:24.996 you feel being away from your family? 0:09:25.676 --> 0:09:30.716 I was lonely. I was very consumed by like what 0:09:30.796 --> 0:09:35.156 is happening? Like how did my life go so off 0:09:35.276 --> 0:09:39.076 track in one day? I felt like no one is 0:09:39.076 --> 0:09:41.476 ever going to understand what I want in life, like 0:09:41.596 --> 0:09:45.556 nobody in India certainly. Yeah, I was trying. My sister, 0:09:45.596 --> 0:09:47.876 who lived in Ohio, was trying to get me a visa. 0:09:47.956 --> 0:09:50.596 I was trying to get myself a visa to come 0:09:50.636 --> 0:09:52.796 to the US to study, because if I made it 0:09:52.796 --> 0:09:55.516 to my sister's house, she was willing to take me 0:09:55.596 --> 0:09:58.396 in and I would be safe and secure for a while. 0:09:58.796 --> 0:10:01.716 But coming to America is not so easy as an Indian, 0:10:01.876 --> 0:10:04.916 you know, as an Indian person, especially somebody with no 0:10:05.076 --> 0:10:09.036 parents lobbying for them, no paperwork really, So even though 0:10:09.236 --> 0:10:12.556 I had sent out all kinds of things into the 0:10:12.676 --> 0:10:15.676 universe and my sister was trying, I didn't think it 0:10:15.716 --> 0:10:20.796 was gonna happen. Nothing was materializing. I was so exhausted. 0:10:21.516 --> 0:10:24.116 I feel like there's a part of that exhaustion that 0:10:24.196 --> 0:10:27.236 will never leave my body. At that point, I had 0:10:27.276 --> 0:10:31.156 exhausted every relative, every friend, every human being I knew 0:10:31.196 --> 0:10:34.516 in Mumbai to take me in to host me. You know. 0:10:34.676 --> 0:10:37.916 I was like, there's no endgame, Like he's won. So 0:10:38.836 --> 0:10:42.996 when I went back, I was like, Okay, maybe I 0:10:42.996 --> 0:10:47.236 should channelize my efforts into go with his plan. But 0:10:47.316 --> 0:10:49.356 how to make it the best plan for me? 0:10:49.756 --> 0:10:52.236 Okay, so optimize the suboptimal. 0:10:52.996 --> 0:10:56.756 Yeah, like, maybe the guy is not as bad as 0:10:56.756 --> 0:11:00.756 my brain is imagining him to. Maybe the circumstances can 0:11:00.916 --> 0:11:04.636 be bettered than what they throw up. And the initial 0:11:04.716 --> 0:11:08.756 negotiation of the arrangement, because there was just nothing left, 0:11:09.116 --> 0:11:11.956 I had given up. I was like, this is it, 0:11:12.076 --> 0:11:13.836 Like I can't fight this anymore. 0:11:13.916 --> 0:11:18.316 Absolutely, at some point you just stopped the resistance because 0:11:18.356 --> 0:11:19.116 it's too tiring. 0:11:19.476 --> 0:11:22.356 You just don't have an end game, Like there was nothing, 0:11:22.516 --> 0:11:24.196 There was no door opening. 0:11:24.396 --> 0:11:27.676 Yeah, Sasarn, I mean your story could have just sort 0:11:27.676 --> 0:11:31.476 of ended there. But you secretly got a visa without 0:11:31.516 --> 0:11:34.436 anyone knowing. You packed a bag, you picked up the visa, 0:11:34.476 --> 0:11:36.756 you got on a plane, you're not staying with your sister. 0:11:37.756 --> 0:11:41.876 And what's so interesting to me is that this counterfactual 0:11:41.956 --> 0:11:44.956 life of which you knew so little. I'm going to 0:11:44.996 --> 0:11:48.476 literally pack my bags move across the world with no 0:11:48.676 --> 0:11:53.276 plan whatsoever, still felt like the better bet than the 0:11:53.316 --> 0:11:56.396 one that your dad had paid for you. Yeah, so 0:11:56.476 --> 0:11:58.636 tell me more about how you thought about that trade 0:11:58.636 --> 0:12:01.076 off and where you found that fearlessness. 0:12:01.116 --> 0:12:04.956 You know, I'm telling you it was not fearlessness, it 0:12:05.076 --> 0:12:08.356 was but desperation. I was surrounded by women who did 0:12:08.356 --> 0:12:12.436 not understand be or my curiosity my whole life. They 0:12:12.436 --> 0:12:15.436 didn't understand why I wanted to read a newspaper every day. 0:12:15.876 --> 0:12:18.916 They didn't understand why I wanted to work, Like, why 0:12:18.916 --> 0:12:20.956 would anybody want to be a lawyer when you can 0:12:20.996 --> 0:12:24.316 be home and running a home. I realized that if 0:12:24.356 --> 0:12:29.116 I get married in that setting, that's who I'm going 0:12:29.156 --> 0:12:33.796 to become, because that's what that system creates. You could 0:12:33.796 --> 0:12:35.916 see it, it could see it in all the women 0:12:35.956 --> 0:12:39.396 around me. They were not unhappy women. Just to be clear, 0:12:39.516 --> 0:12:42.276 they were affluent women. They had all the money in 0:12:42.316 --> 0:12:45.556 the world to shop and eat out and all the 0:12:45.596 --> 0:12:48.596 things that we would consider markers of a good life, right, 0:12:49.036 --> 0:12:51.996 But I was a kid that hated shopping, like I 0:12:52.036 --> 0:12:55.516 don't belong in that world. Even here, I remember always 0:12:55.556 --> 0:12:59.636 being the one thinking, this feels like this whole thing 0:12:59.836 --> 0:13:02.716 is not serving the women. It's serving somebody, It is 0:13:02.756 --> 0:13:06.756 not serving them. Yeah. It was that that feeling of 0:13:07.476 --> 0:13:10.916 keep me away from this that gave me courage to 0:13:10.956 --> 0:13:15.076 pursue that other thing, like whatever that other thing was. Yeah. 0:13:15.436 --> 0:13:18.076 So then over the next three decades, you build this 0:13:18.236 --> 0:13:22.036 really beautiful life in the US. Right, You go to college, 0:13:22.236 --> 0:13:25.476 you marry your now husband, you work as an attorney, 0:13:25.556 --> 0:13:27.596 and you become a stay at home mom to your 0:13:27.636 --> 0:13:31.996 three kids. How in the world, Sarna did stand up comedy, 0:13:32.076 --> 0:13:35.516 of all things, become a realistic career option. 0:13:36.836 --> 0:13:39.156 But it was not. I'm still not sure it is. 0:13:42.236 --> 0:13:46.916 I tried and failed at so many things, like so 0:13:47.196 --> 0:13:50.316 many things, like I was a matchmaker for a minute. 0:13:50.556 --> 0:13:54.276 Was so bad, Oh my god, it was terrible. Matchmaking 0:13:54.356 --> 0:13:58.076 is a whole job of just basically telling women it's 0:13:58.116 --> 0:14:01.356 not too late. That's it. That's the whole job. Ninety 0:14:01.396 --> 0:14:03.636 percent of it is that, I'm telling you, being honest. 0:14:04.516 --> 0:14:07.396 I tried a cooking, a vegan chili business because I'm 0:14:07.476 --> 0:14:10.636 vegetarian and trying to be always. I used to take 0:14:10.676 --> 0:14:12.596 my kids for a lot of the things that I 0:14:12.676 --> 0:14:15.676 was trying. One so they gave me courage, and two 0:14:15.716 --> 0:14:18.756 because I wanted them to learn. I wanted them to 0:14:18.796 --> 0:14:21.636 see that your mom is trying new things and it's okay, 0:14:21.636 --> 0:14:23.676 and she might fail, and that's also okay. 0:14:23.916 --> 0:14:24.436 That's great. 0:14:24.716 --> 0:14:27.076 But my daughter, I think when she was with me 0:14:27.276 --> 0:14:30.156 on many of these trips, started noticing. She's like, Mom, 0:14:30.196 --> 0:14:32.796 you know. I think what turned it for her was 0:14:32.836 --> 0:14:37.196 she saw a guy who bought my chili once because 0:14:37.236 --> 0:14:39.836 we were talking for a long time, and then as 0:14:39.836 --> 0:14:41.916 soon as I turned it around, he threw the chili away. 0:14:43.436 --> 0:14:45.516 And I think it was an aha moment in my 0:14:45.636 --> 0:14:48.796 daughter's mind that, like, he paid all that money because 0:14:48.836 --> 0:14:52.916 he wanted to hear what she was saying. He had 0:14:52.916 --> 0:14:56.036 no interest in the chili. It's her stories that are 0:14:56.116 --> 0:15:00.196 the product. Then she started making notes like all their 0:15:00.276 --> 0:15:02.436 kids have been hanging out at our house for years. 0:15:02.476 --> 0:15:05.956 They're like, all these kids who have broken relationships or 0:15:05.996 --> 0:15:08.356 bad grades or whatever, they love hanging out with my 0:15:08.516 --> 0:15:11.276 mom because she's going to make them laugh about it, 0:15:11.356 --> 0:15:15.276 and she's gonna make them feel better about it. My son, 0:15:15.356 --> 0:15:18.636 who at the time was fourteen or fifteen, said to me, Mom, 0:15:19.116 --> 0:15:23.396 when I tell my friends your stories, they stop dead 0:15:23.436 --> 0:15:26.156 in their tracks. They want to hear more. Now these 0:15:26.156 --> 0:15:28.316 are fifteen year old boys. They don't want to hear 0:15:28.356 --> 0:15:33.876 about anything. Of all the people that you can try 0:15:33.916 --> 0:15:36.516 to get attention from, try to get a fifteen year 0:15:36.556 --> 0:15:40.556 old boy who's although I obsessed with sports, that happening. 0:15:41.436 --> 0:15:44.996 That's the true marker of success. That is the pressure test. 0:15:45.396 --> 0:15:49.876 And then my daughter did this whole birthday gift experiment. 0:15:50.036 --> 0:15:52.316 You know, she reached out to people I've known my 0:15:52.356 --> 0:15:55.156 whole life and said, can you write a line or 0:15:55.196 --> 0:15:57.476 two about my mom? It's for her birthday. I'm making 0:15:57.516 --> 0:16:00.996 a gift. And she stuffed this whole water dispenser that 0:16:01.036 --> 0:16:04.036 I had been wanting for my kitchen, and instead of 0:16:04.036 --> 0:16:06.196 stuffing it with water and lemons and all that, she 0:16:06.276 --> 0:16:11.236 stuffed it with notes from people about what they had 0:16:11.236 --> 0:16:14.276 to say about me. And overwhelmingly the notes were like, 0:16:14.356 --> 0:16:18.476 she's funny, She's hilarious. She made us laugh. That is 0:16:18.556 --> 0:16:21.676 one thing I've had my whole life. People have always 0:16:21.716 --> 0:16:24.556 said that I'm funny, and my whole life I was like, great, 0:16:24.956 --> 0:16:27.356 of all the gifts that I could have gotten, I 0:16:27.436 --> 0:16:33.356 got this funny. What are you doing with funny? Nothing? Useless? 0:16:34.356 --> 0:16:36.916 Do you remember what your first jokes were about? 0:16:37.716 --> 0:16:41.676 Yeah, of course. My first joke was about how I 0:16:41.716 --> 0:16:44.916 came to America with nine dollars in my pocket. Ten 0:16:44.996 --> 0:16:48.436 thousand in the bank, but nine in the pocket, because 0:16:49.036 --> 0:16:53.676 there is truth to that. In my life. I came 0:16:53.756 --> 0:16:58.236 to America as a broke teenager, It's true, but my 0:16:58.436 --> 0:17:01.076 sister took me in in a big way and she 0:17:01.276 --> 0:17:04.636 was living a good life. So in some way, I 0:17:04.956 --> 0:17:08.476 relate to both sides of being an immigrant. I relate 0:17:08.596 --> 0:17:12.076 to being that broke person who has nothing, but I've 0:17:12.156 --> 0:17:16.276 also intimately seen the life where you come in and 0:17:16.436 --> 0:17:19.836 work and get that American dream very quickly. Yeah, so 0:17:20.156 --> 0:17:22.916 my life experience is actually the range. 0:17:23.556 --> 0:17:23.756 Now. 0:17:23.796 --> 0:17:26.676 In New York, you know, we all go to charitable 0:17:26.716 --> 0:17:30.956 events and people talk about where they give money and 0:17:30.996 --> 0:17:34.956 the effects of that charity. Often in those rooms, I'm 0:17:34.956 --> 0:17:38.836 the only one who received charity for many, many years 0:17:39.596 --> 0:17:42.316 and then found a seat on the table. So when 0:17:42.356 --> 0:17:45.876 I wrote that joke, I actually meant both sides of it, 0:17:46.356 --> 0:17:48.236 And then I wrote a lot of jokes of my 0:17:48.276 --> 0:17:51.316 mother in law. Oh my god, I remember. One of 0:17:51.316 --> 0:17:54.516 the earliest jokes I remember was like, my mother in 0:17:54.636 --> 0:17:58.196 law asked my husband because he brought me to meet her, 0:17:58.236 --> 0:18:00.196 right we were not arranged. She was like, I got 0:18:00.236 --> 0:18:03.316 you a jacket at Brooks Brothers for her. And it 0:18:03.396 --> 0:18:06.756 feels so rude and grasp but it's like and then 0:18:06.796 --> 0:18:09.276 I built it into how crazy she is, but we 0:18:09.356 --> 0:18:11.676 all are. I probably will be about my son. 0:18:12.076 --> 0:18:15.116 Yeah, so I'm not in denial about that. I want 0:18:15.156 --> 0:18:18.996 to know. Did you feel at all constrained by having 0:18:18.996 --> 0:18:23.516 an Indian heritage and being concerned about offending people, feeling 0:18:23.556 --> 0:18:25.716 like certain categories were off limits. 0:18:26.156 --> 0:18:28.996 No? And I tell you why, because I have thought 0:18:28.996 --> 0:18:32.796 about it. I've been penalized for being brutally honest my 0:18:32.876 --> 0:18:36.796 whole life. In some way, I just don't know how 0:18:36.916 --> 0:18:40.556 else to be like I don't the only other setting 0:18:40.636 --> 0:18:43.756 is off Like me, I don't say anything. I just 0:18:43.796 --> 0:18:46.876 don't have it in me to not observe what my 0:18:46.956 --> 0:18:49.476 eyes are seeing and then talk about it. Yeah. 0:18:49.516 --> 0:18:51.516 I love that part of you, and I so resonate 0:18:51.556 --> 0:18:54.316 with it. My Mom's always like, you know, there's things 0:18:54.396 --> 0:18:59.236 you can choose not to share right, man to share? Yeah, exactly, 0:18:59.276 --> 0:19:02.716 But I'm like, say it, but my factory settings are 0:19:02.836 --> 0:19:05.756 to fully disclose every little thought I'm thinking all the time. 0:19:06.036 --> 0:19:08.436 It dries my mom crazy because she's much more of 0:19:08.436 --> 0:19:11.916 that discretion and privacy, and I've never known that setting. 0:19:12.396 --> 0:19:13.196 In any case. 0:19:13.236 --> 0:19:16.716 The idea that this is our culture is entirely a 0:19:16.796 --> 0:19:20.196 male construct, like men that I now have a thing 0:19:20.236 --> 0:19:22.716 in my head, and I've taught my kids to do this. 0:19:22.796 --> 0:19:26.476 If somebody says this is our culture, replace the word culture, 0:19:26.516 --> 0:19:29.596 but this is how our men like it, because culture 0:19:29.836 --> 0:19:32.196 was created by the men. The women didn't have any 0:19:32.276 --> 0:19:35.636 say anyway. And then once you replace the words with 0:19:36.236 --> 0:19:38.836 how men like it, it starts to look absurd, like 0:19:38.876 --> 0:19:40.356 why do I care how they like it? 0:19:40.436 --> 0:19:44.516 One hundred percent? So your first experience with stand up 0:19:44.716 --> 0:19:47.876 was an open mic night at a Mexican restaurant called 0:19:48.156 --> 0:19:51.996 Plia Dettes. Okay, if you can travel back to the 0:19:52.076 --> 0:19:54.836 moment when you are prepping for this set and you're 0:19:54.836 --> 0:19:58.316 about to come out backstage, what was that experience? 0:19:58.476 --> 0:20:03.276 Like? It was great. I no one expected it to 0:20:03.316 --> 0:20:04.076 be anything. 0:20:04.676 --> 0:20:08.036 Well expectations that's great, Yes, my kids. 0:20:08.116 --> 0:20:10.436 I was so irritated that my kids were making me 0:20:10.516 --> 0:20:12.596 do this, So I was like, all right, fine, my 0:20:12.676 --> 0:20:15.716 five friends will come and will whatever clap about the 0:20:15.756 --> 0:20:19.916 mother in law being blah blah and whatever. Like. There 0:20:19.996 --> 0:20:23.516 was no there was no anxiety because there was nothing 0:20:23.516 --> 0:20:23.996 to lose. 0:20:24.396 --> 0:20:27.156 Yeah, and you weren't worried that your jokes would fall 0:20:27.196 --> 0:20:29.676 flat or that you know, you wouldn't get people to laugh. 0:20:30.236 --> 0:20:31.396 That just wasn't a concern. 0:20:31.716 --> 0:20:35.756 I've never heard it about that. Okay, I have a 0:20:35.796 --> 0:20:40.076 reputation in the business. Some of the toughest jobs come 0:20:40.116 --> 0:20:43.756 to me and I take them. My shows are filled 0:20:43.796 --> 0:20:46.676 with kids who don't drink. Kids are very tough, but 0:20:46.756 --> 0:20:49.276 I take them all in. I can handle it. I've 0:20:49.316 --> 0:20:51.636 made kids laugh for twenty years as a mom. I 0:20:51.716 --> 0:20:54.436 can do this. Yeah. I never like, I know what 0:20:54.516 --> 0:20:57.716 it takes. I know, I just I've never questioned it. 0:20:57.756 --> 0:20:58.996 I don't question it now. 0:20:59.796 --> 0:21:02.276 To your point, like the version of comedy you want 0:21:02.276 --> 0:21:05.036 to do is actually the version that everybody loves, and 0:21:05.076 --> 0:21:07.716 there is nothing more satisfying in the world than when 0:21:07.796 --> 0:21:11.276 the authentic version is the thing that resonates most of people. 0:21:11.916 --> 0:21:14.196 I think that what you're saying is so true and 0:21:14.396 --> 0:21:17.676 people need to hear it because we spend so much 0:21:17.716 --> 0:21:21.196 time becoming something that we think we need to be 0:21:21.236 --> 0:21:24.636 that we don't spend enough time just acknowledging who we are. 0:21:24.676 --> 0:21:26.556 And maybe there's a big space for that. 0:21:29.916 --> 0:21:32.116 We'll be back in a moment with a slight change 0:21:32.116 --> 0:21:58.636 of plans. I want to know what you feel. Comedy 0:21:58.796 --> 0:22:01.636 offered you as a person that other things didn't. 0:22:02.436 --> 0:22:06.076 Comedy saved me without a question. Comedy put food on 0:22:06.116 --> 0:22:08.636 my table thirty years ago, when I didn't even know 0:22:08.676 --> 0:22:09.556 it was a business. 0:22:09.636 --> 0:22:12.036 When you're trying to catch surf, you're saying, like to 0:22:12.556 --> 0:22:15.236 invite yourself to these friends homes and stay other catches. 0:22:15.276 --> 0:22:17.996 People invited me in because they knew I will make 0:22:17.996 --> 0:22:20.276 the dinner table fun. Who do we want? When you 0:22:20.316 --> 0:22:22.916 plan a party? Who do you want? You want somebody 0:22:22.956 --> 0:22:25.356 who's going to make the room light, make the room fun. 0:22:25.996 --> 0:22:28.916 Who's gonna who's gonna make your other guests feel welcome? 0:22:28.916 --> 0:22:32.916 Who's gonna make you feel relaxed. Comedy is a weapon. 0:22:33.116 --> 0:22:37.676 It's an art, it's a it's a therapy, it's a medicine, 0:22:37.836 --> 0:22:41.436 it's everything. Comedy gave me things before I even knew 0:22:41.476 --> 0:22:43.756 it was giving it to me. Honestly, these are all 0:22:43.836 --> 0:22:47.036 things I've realized upon reflection. I had no awareness of 0:22:47.076 --> 0:22:50.516 it even five years ago, that that's what my life was. 0:22:50.996 --> 0:22:53.356 A lot of comics say to me, They're like, where 0:22:53.356 --> 0:22:55.276 did you come from? It's like you fell out of 0:22:55.316 --> 0:23:00.316 the sky six years ago, And I'm like, I, it's true. 0:23:00.396 --> 0:23:03.116 I stepped foot on a comedy stage six years ago. 0:23:04.076 --> 0:23:06.596 Since then, I have two specials out into the world 0:23:06.596 --> 0:23:08.876