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Speaker 1: That night when I got diagnosed with traumatic but then

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Speaker 1: the morning of the fourteenth day, when I got in

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Speaker 1: a shower and all of mine here was coming out,

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Speaker 1: that was probably more traumatic than even when I first

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Speaker 1: got diagnosed. Hi, welcome back to the Union Therapy podcast.

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Speaker 1: My name is Kat and I'm the host. And well,

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Speaker 1: I am literally recording this at it's ten thirty pm

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Speaker 1: Sunday night. And this was not the way that I

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Speaker 1: planned doing this intro. But nothing I planned for this

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Speaker 1: episode is going the way I planned it. So basically,

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Speaker 1: I had recorded with my suite roommate a whole Q

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Speaker 1: and a episode from questions that you guys had sent in,

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Speaker 1: and as soon as we were finishing record in it,

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Speaker 1: the thing that I record on shut down. The files

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Speaker 1: said that they were damaged and we lost the hour

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Speaker 1: of content we had made. And you know, there's that's life.

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Speaker 1: There's life, real, real life. So I had to do

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Speaker 1: a little bit of a pivot because I was not

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Speaker 1: about to make my switetrommate do that again, and I

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Speaker 1: honestly didn't want to record it again because if we

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Speaker 1: were to do those same questions over, it just wouldn't

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Speaker 1: have been authentic, and it would have felt like rehearsed,

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Speaker 1: and I don't think that's fair. So I'm releasing to

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Speaker 1: you guys an episode that I was saving. And I

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Speaker 1: was saving this episode because it's really special and it's

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Speaker 1: really good, and I was saving it for something that

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Speaker 1: you guys will find out about in the next couple

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Speaker 1: of weeks, if not week, which I'm really excited about

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Speaker 1: and I can't wait to share. I keep I feel

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Speaker 1: like I keep being like, we have surprises. This one

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Speaker 1: is really cool. So anyway, you're getting an episode with

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Speaker 1: me and I friend Emily Riley, who so graciously agreed

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Speaker 1: to come on the podcast and share her story. And

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Speaker 1: I don't want to really give any of it away

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Speaker 1: because you're about to listen to it. So we're gonna

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Speaker 1: make this short and sweet because I want to go

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Speaker 1: to sleep. Um, but here is my conversation with Emily.

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Speaker 1: I met you a year July of nine, Okay, So

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Speaker 1: I met you for the people, which this is so

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Speaker 1: funny because in the beginning of the podcast, like every guest,

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Speaker 1: I was like, I met you at psychopoy, the beginning

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Speaker 1: of all the wonderful relationships. So I met you at

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Speaker 1: psycho You're a writer, I used to teach there and

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Speaker 1: I met you at the turning point of part of

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Speaker 1: your story, which I want to talk about. But there's

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Speaker 1: more to it, because I love what you just said

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Speaker 1: about having to lay down and idea of something, which

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Speaker 1: we all do and some of us can. We do

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Speaker 1: that in different ways. Some of us can find gratitude

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Speaker 1: in it, some of us have a harder time. But

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Speaker 1: I I almost want you to start like when did

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Speaker 1: you have to start realizing that you need to lay

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Speaker 1: down one dream? And what was the dream in your head?

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Speaker 1: Like what did you think that moving to Nashville was

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Speaker 1: going to be? And then take me through what it

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Speaker 1: turned out to be. Gosh, when I made to Nashville,

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Speaker 1: I assumes that my life would look a certain way

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Speaker 1: because that's all my friends lives were looking um and

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Speaker 1: to me that meant dating someone, getting married, having kids,

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Speaker 1: having a career, and my life maybe to Nashville was

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Speaker 1: different in the fact that I needed to heal from

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Speaker 1: the from some things that I was walking through before

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Speaker 1: I could get to that point. And not that they

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Speaker 1: didn't have stuff that they were not walking through, But

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Speaker 1: I think the journey with Nashville. When I think of

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Speaker 1: Nashville as a whole. The last I guess since I've

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Speaker 1: been here six years, seven years, that's crazy, Oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: on ten years, but a long time. When I've been

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Speaker 1: here for ten years, that's when you can say I'm all.

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Speaker 1: That's when I need to be like, I'm headed to

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Speaker 1: the suburbs, regardless of it I'm single or not, like,

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Speaker 1: I do not need to live like right, Um, But

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Speaker 1: I think yeah, for me, I assumed a lot of

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Speaker 1: things that were going I thought would happen based off

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Speaker 1: like my age or my life season, when in reality,

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Speaker 1: my story like needed a lot of healing, and Nashville

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Speaker 1: has brought a lot of healing to me. Um through

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Speaker 1: a lot of different like aspects of my story. But

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Speaker 1: does that answer your question? Yeah, And there are there

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Speaker 1: parts of when you say there's parts of my story

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Speaker 1: that needs healing, did you know that you needed healing

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Speaker 1: then or did you realize later that you were kind

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Speaker 1: of like in a mess um later? For her? So

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Speaker 1: my story, it's it's funny because, Um, a lot of times,

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Speaker 1: when I think back on it, I think, if you

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Speaker 1: walk through anything that was hidden, it feels almost like

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Speaker 1: not distant from your story. But you're almost like I

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Speaker 1: don't really remember certain things because of like aspects that

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Speaker 1: the yeah, I was pretending like it wasn't real. So

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Speaker 1: um where like when I say healing, I think what

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Speaker 1: I needed to heal from was I started struggling with

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Speaker 1: an E disorder when I was thirteen years old, so

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Speaker 1: obviously really young, so young I remember as a child,

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Speaker 1: like I don't want even say struggling with my weight.

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Speaker 1: But I was always at a size that was different

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Speaker 1: than the rest of my friends, and I was taller,

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Speaker 1: and I remember going to the pediatrician, and the pediatrician

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Speaker 1: like telling my mom, like you need to watch her

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Speaker 1: weight and yes, and I remember thinking that and locking

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Speaker 1: in on that, but I didn't have like an understanding

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Speaker 1: of it. And this is going to be like a

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Speaker 1: side funny story. But I love Lizzie McGuire. I mean

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Speaker 1: Hillary Duff. I still have heard till this day, Like

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Speaker 1: I follow her on Instagram and it's kind of like

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Speaker 1: where is Gordo and Marian, like you have left them?

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Speaker 1: But I like loved that show and what it's funny

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Speaker 1: because obviously we didn't have social media back then. But

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Speaker 1: what I loved about like Liz McGuire is because to

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Speaker 1: me perceiving her, she was popular, she was pretty, and

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Speaker 1: she was quotations small, and so in my mind I

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Speaker 1: felt like, oh, I've got to be all those things

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Speaker 1: and then I'm gonna be loved, I'm gonna be accepted,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna be popular. So the summer after my seventh

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Speaker 1: grade year, um, it really just began in terms of

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Speaker 1: like trying to change my body. And so from that

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Speaker 1: point forward until really when I made to Nashville, it

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Speaker 1: was very hidden. So it was more of like a

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Speaker 1: mental struggle than it was a physical struggle, but it

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Speaker 1: was projected physically, and so, um, I think people praised

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Speaker 1: me for it, and they're just like when I went

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Speaker 1: back to my eighth grade year. I think about eighth

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Speaker 1: grade like literally like the summer before my three year,

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Speaker 1: I would I had a certain goal in mine or

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Speaker 1: I had certain things that I wanted to achieve, and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, why was I even thinking that, like should wait? Wise? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: wait wise? Throughout high school, the way I got around it,

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Speaker 1: I can remember like going on trips or going out

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Speaker 1: with my friends and I would say like, oh, I

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Speaker 1: ate with my parents and we would go to like

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Speaker 1: my friends had this thing of like going to Chick

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Speaker 1: fil A and going to Maybes on Friday night, small

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Speaker 1: town USA, and um, I'd be like, I'm gonna eat

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Speaker 1: with my family, and then I would tell my family

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Speaker 1: I'm gonn eat with my friends, and so then I

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Speaker 1: would try a Boutchick fil A and you really just

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Speaker 1: want to eat, and then I wouldn't eat. Yeah, And

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Speaker 1: so that started, like obviously a lot of hidden behaviors

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Speaker 1: because then obviously to your to you, you think it's hidden.

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Speaker 1: In reality, everyone else around you is seeing that there's

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Speaker 1: an issue. But I was throughout high school thriving in

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Speaker 1: terms of like socially and homecoming queen prom queen, the

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Speaker 1: thing that you thought, I have to look this way

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Speaker 1: and then I'll be All these things came true essentially exactly.

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Speaker 1: Probably weren't as connected as you thought they weren't. They

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Speaker 1: weren't at all. I had nothing to do with like

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Speaker 1: being skinny, me being skinnier like my parents are, like

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Speaker 1: anything about me in terms of like weight or things

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Speaker 1: that you would perceivably believe that Liz McGuire, in my

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Speaker 1: mind had um And so I think it was hidden

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Speaker 1: because people were like, she's perfect she doesn't struggle with anything,

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Speaker 1: and so I like rode on that to hide my

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Speaker 1: inning disorder. And so I went to Auburn and then

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Speaker 1: joined US Warty and lived with girls like in large groups.

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Speaker 1: And I think it was easy for me to hide

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Speaker 1: in those settings because then again it's like, also, it's

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Speaker 1: like really normal to use eating disorder behaviors in college

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Speaker 1: and for my perspective, in a sorority. And and looking back,

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Speaker 1: it's like, I don't think I ever thought any of

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Speaker 1: the stuff that I saw was abnormal. It's like, exactly,

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Speaker 1: that's what you do to fit into your dress, as

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Speaker 1: you like drink gallons of water and take diuretics and

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Speaker 1: laxatives for the week before recruitment. And now looking back,

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Speaker 1: I'm like we were doing what I know and to

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Speaker 1: fit into assent ugly dress to impress girls you don't know,

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Speaker 1: so they can essentially like join your glove to be

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Speaker 1: your friend, like I don't even know you, they don't

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Speaker 1: even know. Yeah, So I think that hid me in

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Speaker 1: a different way. So my high school friends, I moved

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Speaker 1: on and then I met this new group of people

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Speaker 1: and I was able to hide even more. And I

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Speaker 1: had high school friends that were allburn that were precious

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Speaker 1: and not that my high school friends I think they

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Speaker 1: probably knew to an extant But what do you do,

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Speaker 1: Like you you're not you're eighteen years old. You're not

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Speaker 1: going to be like I think something's wrong, like Emily

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Speaker 1: never eats, you know. And so instead I pushed people

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Speaker 1: away because like the closest in relationships, I could only

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Speaker 1: get so close to people because would see my stuff. Yeah. Anyways,

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Speaker 1: leaning up to like throughout college, my junior year, going

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Speaker 1: to my senior year, had the opportunity to serve as

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Speaker 1: paneling president at Auburn. So that's a big deal. So

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Speaker 1: people might not know what that. Okay, yes, and that's

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Speaker 1: like all of the sort, and I feel like that

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Speaker 1: I want to give context that because again it shows

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Speaker 1: like even in like a leadership position, even in a

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Speaker 1: place where like I had a lot of people watching me,

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Speaker 1: like obviously like I was a mess, but like people

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Speaker 1: didn't see that, No, they didn't think you were the

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Speaker 1: like panelontic president would be like the president of the

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Speaker 1: group that runs all that the swords, so the president

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Speaker 1: of all of the everything. Yeah. So I think at

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Speaker 1: that point Auburn had eighteen swartees and I think it

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Speaker 1: was like ten thousand women. We were like thirty percent

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Speaker 1: of Auburn's campus, so it's a big deal. So people

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Speaker 1: really trust to you, thought that you had your ship together.

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Speaker 1: So like I was being perceived as someone like everybody girl, yes,

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Speaker 1: and like people that I didn't know like would say

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Speaker 1: hey to me or like girls even now, like I

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Speaker 1: feel like on social media, I'll be like I have

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Speaker 1: no idea how I to know this girl, and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: your best friend probably added me during recruitment or not

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Speaker 1: dear your girl, but like after recruitment, and like she

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Speaker 1: was a freshman and I added her, you know. And

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Speaker 1: so all that to say, a girl that was on

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Speaker 1: my the panic exec who I became close friends with,

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Speaker 1: had struggled with a need disorder and when night she

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Speaker 1: just like sat me down and was like, hey, like

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Speaker 1: I think there's an issue here, Like I see some

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Speaker 1: similar things in you that I had in myself, And

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Speaker 1: of course I was like hell no, like you know,

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Speaker 1: like no, and I had certain like food patterns and

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Speaker 1: certain like exercise needs that I felt like her exercise

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Speaker 1: were requirements that my life was planned around on. And

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of it was like anxiety and

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Speaker 1: stress from the pressure that I was under. But so

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Speaker 1: she had that conversation with me and there was an

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Speaker 1: on came scientician and she's like, you need to go

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Speaker 1: see Jessica Lauren and I'm like another hell note, like

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Speaker 1: I'm already She's gonna change all my ways and I

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Speaker 1: don't need help. And from this point, like I didn't

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Speaker 1: realize that it was an actual emni disorder. And then

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Speaker 1: I graduated into May and like I said that, I

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Speaker 1: made to Nashville. So I moved to Nashville, and then

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Speaker 1: I was living with a family that was connected to

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Speaker 1: through my Bible study later at Auburn and just temporarily,

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Speaker 1: and I went to this like young women's gathering basically

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Speaker 1: it was like a Bible study on a Thursday night,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, my first week here, I've got

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Speaker 1: to just go to meet girls. So I go and

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Speaker 1: end up meeting these two girls who became my roommate,

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Speaker 1: which is really cool because like, like one of them

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Speaker 1: is still one of my very best friends, but both

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Speaker 1: precious girls at that point in my life. So think

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Speaker 1: about I'm coming off like being well known at all

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Speaker 1: or hiding it an e disorder. I moved to a

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Speaker 1: new city transitioning, I find myself in the pit of

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Speaker 1: like everything that I had tried to control or found

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Speaker 1: my identity end was no longer there. I remember walking

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Speaker 1: around the city and thinking, like no one for days

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Speaker 1: old reckon, no one knows me. So that in itself

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Speaker 1: is so lonely. And so I think I have such

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Speaker 1: a heart for people who just moved here because it's

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Speaker 1: like you're isolated, but you're in a city full of

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Speaker 1: a million people, you know, but like you feel like

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Speaker 1: which is like the scariest. It's the scariest to be

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Speaker 1: alone in a group was so much worse than like

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Speaker 1: just being alone. Yeah, yeah, And so all that to say,

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Speaker 1: I made him with these two girls and we became

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Speaker 1: really close. Well the aspect of course that I've got

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Speaker 1: to continue to hide does my eun disorder, But they

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Speaker 1: both of them had very healthy relationships with food. Would

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Speaker 1: go out to eat, and you know a lot of

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Speaker 1: times after work they would invite me to go out

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Speaker 1: to eat and I would just be like, m I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna go like walk seven miles and you know, because yeah,

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Speaker 1: that was what I felt comfort in because I'm like

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Speaker 1: the Enian's order knows me. They don't know me. We

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Speaker 1: were living in like a very small apartment, so again

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Speaker 1: you can't hide that we're on an adult schedule. So

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Speaker 1: we're all home at night now, and so again the

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Speaker 1: line started off like I'm not gonna RD eight or

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Speaker 1: doing certain things that I think they started to pick

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Speaker 1: up one and so I'll never forget It was like

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Speaker 1: starting to become like the holiday season and Frozen had

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Speaker 1: just came out. Um, I know I'll never forget it.

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Speaker 1: And they're like, rematenight, we're gonna watch Frozen and we're

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Speaker 1: gonna make cookies and eat dinner together. I panicked because

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Speaker 1: I'm like, I want to watch this movie, but I

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Speaker 1: don't want to eat dinner, and I don't want to

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Speaker 1: eat the cookies. So and I'm gonna pause you because

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Speaker 1: if you don't have if you haven't struggled with an

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Speaker 1: eating to sort of like I feel that viscerally of like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, trapped, because if you ate the cookies,

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Speaker 1: I would have a panic attack. Yes, yes, I would

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Speaker 1: probably cry. Yes, Oh I totally felt like tears walling

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Speaker 1: up in my because I'm like, it's dark, because it

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Speaker 1: got dark, and because a lot of times my escape

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Speaker 1: was like we lived on like this area where you

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Speaker 1: could walk safely, but not after dark, so it was

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Speaker 1: like dark, so I can't leave the house and they've

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Speaker 1: invited me to this. All that to say, that night

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Speaker 1: was a huge turning point for me because it actually

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Speaker 1: ended up that we watched Frozen. I didn't eat dinner

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Speaker 1: or the cookies and like the movie went off, and

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Speaker 1: I remember it was so lovingly. One of the girls

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Speaker 1: was like, hey, am, like we want to check on you,

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Speaker 1: Like we just see some patterns with like food and

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Speaker 1: exercise and different things, you know, can we help you?

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Speaker 1: And I mean that's been seven years ago, so I

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Speaker 1: can't remember like the specific things that they said, but

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Speaker 1: something in my mind triggered someone saw me, you know,

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Speaker 1: whereas I felt like I was invisible in terms of

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Speaker 1: like the aim disorder for years and I contribute like

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Speaker 1: that night and I don't remember the conversation as I

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Speaker 1: felt loved, but I also felt scared because I like,

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Speaker 1: I can't hid this and I live with these girls,

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Speaker 1: so and I think something was to the tune of

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Speaker 1: like can we like we will support you, like we'll

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Speaker 1: go with you, but what's the next step? Yeah, So

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Speaker 1: I ended up getting connected to Reba Sloan, who so

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Speaker 1: who was that? So she so for the people, Um,

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Speaker 1: Reba Sloan is a wonderful dietitian. Went to my first

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Speaker 1: appointment and she assessed me, and then I started therapy

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Speaker 1: and went to a physician and went regularly to to

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Speaker 1: see her. And so Nashville for me, going back to

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Speaker 1: your question about like what Nashville like, what it looks

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Speaker 1: different or what did look different about my experience moving

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Speaker 1: to Nashville, I had no idea that that was something

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Speaker 1: that I was going to be set free from in

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Speaker 1: this city. And I like went through probably three four

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Speaker 1: years of recovery and then which thank you for saying

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Speaker 1: that it didn't happen in like it was, Oh my gosh,

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Speaker 1: here's ye treating the way. And I think she told

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Speaker 1: me this is so funny because I think back to this.

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Speaker 1: She said, you know, based off research and based off

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Speaker 1: of like the process that we look at as clinicians,

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Speaker 1: that it's like a seven year journey. And I was like, Oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna be married and have kids and like, I

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Speaker 1: don't have time for this. And so I say that

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Speaker 1: to encourage myself because I had forgotten even until I'm

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Speaker 1: sitting here with you right now that she had told

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Speaker 1: me like this is a seven year process and it's

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Speaker 1: just going together. It's been seventh. So this year is

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Speaker 1: my seventh year Nashville. That's crazy, and I feel like

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Speaker 1: the celebration this is c Yeah, so that happened, and

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Speaker 1: then I feel like I've been walking in freedom really

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Speaker 1: for probably three years. You found freedom from it. That

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Speaker 1: was probably excruciating though, because you had to it, and

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Speaker 1: with your body is changing and your different behaviors and

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Speaker 1: safe things, now you have to let go of and

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Speaker 1: now what's safe and so there is I do one egg.

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Speaker 1: There was a part of your journey that was not fun,

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Speaker 1: but the same what I'm hearing though, is that through

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Speaker 1: that pain, or use that conversation that yourmmates had as

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Speaker 1: an example, through the pain of like oh my god,

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Speaker 1: they saw me, it also was like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: they see me, and they aren't seeing me because I

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Speaker 1: have this body or I look this way or I

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00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:36,920
Speaker 1: was painently present. They're seeing me because I'm a human

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Speaker 1: they love and they don't actually care about those other things.

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Speaker 1: And so through the pain, it's like it's painful, and

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Speaker 1: it's also like I'm in a lot of pain, but

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Speaker 1: I'm also gaining all of this freedom and the fact

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Speaker 1: that I can actually connect with people for sure, because

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Speaker 1: I felt like that's so good to that journey was

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00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:59,399
Speaker 1: not easy and it was excruciating because the process of

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00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:05,040
Speaker 1: becoming own and loved simultaneously is not easy because you

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00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:08,080
Speaker 1: have to know and love yourself first of all, and

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00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,760
Speaker 1: like you can so you can show that person. And

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Speaker 1: so I remember like when I would have like real

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Speaker 1: conversations with people, when I wasn't like just avail over

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Speaker 1: my face of like you're not really going to fully

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00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:24,080
Speaker 1: see me. I remember thinking, like I can like love

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Speaker 1: people and know people, and they can love and know me,

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00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:30,679
Speaker 1: and there's no like bounds to that. So when you

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Speaker 1: live from a place of perception, you can't live in

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00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:40,040
Speaker 1: a place of acceptance because then everyone perceives you this

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00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:43,720
Speaker 1: certain way. But then you can't accept like your own

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Speaker 1: self because then some people think you're one way and

360
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:48,000
Speaker 1: you're not one way. So then it's like, oh, if

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00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:50,919
Speaker 1: they percept they perceive me like this, but like if

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Speaker 1: I'm not truly like that, I can never accept who

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Speaker 1: I truly am. And I hear this all the time

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Speaker 1: in my office. But I said this to myself, if

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Speaker 1: like going back to like what we thought life was

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00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,000
Speaker 1: going to be like in my head, I was like,

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Speaker 1: when I look this way or when I have this body,

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Speaker 1: then I will be loved and then I will get

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Speaker 1: the things that I don't have a boyfriend family. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I was never further from a relationship in my eating ever,

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Speaker 1: happily totally because I don't know who that person was

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00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:21,399
Speaker 1: and did not know how to come up with people.

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Speaker 1: Because one, I couldn't have a boyfriend because he would

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Speaker 1: interrupt my workout schedule, you know what I mean, Like

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Speaker 1: I don't have boyfriend because I couldn't go to dinner

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Speaker 1: with him. What was I going to order? A weird girl?

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00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:35,479
Speaker 1: That was like, I'll just have like some ice, like

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00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:38,240
Speaker 1: literally like there's nothing on the men. I could not

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00:20:38,359 --> 00:20:41,520
Speaker 1: have somebody take me to a restaurant. No, yes, I

380
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:45,119
Speaker 1: have like dating stories like horror. I can't say her

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00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:47,080
Speaker 1: that is you know what I had a hard time

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00:20:47,119 --> 00:20:50,520
Speaker 1: saying today, Sunshine. I kept being like Sunshine. I was like,

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00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,880
Speaker 1: oh my god, sun Shine Shine. It was really bad

384
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:58,439
Speaker 1: but bad dating, bad dating, and I've never had a

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Speaker 1: boyfriend before. And it was thirty years old. I've dated guys,

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00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:05,760
Speaker 1: but I've never had a boyfriend. And I think, so

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00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,919
Speaker 1: grateful what you're saying. I'm so grateful, you're saying all

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00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:12,119
Speaker 1: the things. So grateful you're saying that, because again, something

389
00:21:12,119 --> 00:21:15,119
Speaker 1: that I hear over and over and over again is

390
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:20,919
Speaker 1: people women, successful, wonderful people like I have never dated somebody.

391
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:24,400
Speaker 1: It must be because of X, Y Z. And I'm like, well,

392
00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:26,720
Speaker 1: I'm single. Is that why I'm single? Like one of

393
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,200
Speaker 1: my favorite questions to ask is like when when women

394
00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:32,679
Speaker 1: are like, um, well, I'm I think that if I

395
00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:34,640
Speaker 1: had this body, then I would be in a relationship,

396
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:37,080
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh, is that why I'm single

397
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:39,240
Speaker 1: because I don't have that body? And they're like, well know.

398
00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:40,600
Speaker 1: And I was like, well then why does that apply

399
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:43,520
Speaker 1: to you? That's so good? And if it was that easy,

400
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:45,639
Speaker 1: then like okay, let's all get on this diet and

401
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:48,199
Speaker 1: change our lives. Yes, because I think when I go

402
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:49,960
Speaker 1: back to the eng disorder, I felt like that had

403
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,000
Speaker 1: a certain body or felt like a certain way, then

404
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:54,399
Speaker 1: like a man was going to love me or I

405
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:57,439
Speaker 1: was gonna have a boyfriend, And but what did that do?

406
00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:01,360
Speaker 1: It pushed men further away because they're like I'm going

407
00:22:01,359 --> 00:22:07,280
Speaker 1: on dates and like I'm fine, Like I'm yes, and

408
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:11,520
Speaker 1: then yeah. So I think the engier disorder almost becomes

409
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:15,000
Speaker 1: like that's your relationships, your relationship. And I said, I

410
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:18,320
Speaker 1: always say, like, you can't be authentic and have your

411
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:21,359
Speaker 1: eating disorder. You can't. It doesn't work because you can't

412
00:22:21,359 --> 00:22:24,119
Speaker 1: show up on a date with somebody and be yourself

413
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,240
Speaker 1: because you're preoccupied with what you're going to put in

414
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:28,280
Speaker 1: your body and how you're going to avoid it or

415
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:29,919
Speaker 1: how are you going to make up for it, and

416
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:33,520
Speaker 1: you're so anxious and so like you're dating, you're eating disorderly,

417
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,280
Speaker 1: and so I am so grateful that you said that,

418
00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:38,720
Speaker 1: because I couldn't sit here and be like, well, this

419
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:41,959
Speaker 1: is why you're single, because there's nothing wrong with you,

420
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:43,399
Speaker 1: you know, and I think a lot of us are.

421
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:46,919
Speaker 1: We just want to find like what is it exactly?

422
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:48,760
Speaker 1: When I think I'll fix it if you tell me

423
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:52,640
Speaker 1: what it is, okay, because I I'm excited to talk

424
00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:54,719
Speaker 1: to you about this because I feel like people will

425
00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:58,040
Speaker 1: ask me or tell me I don't really understand why

426
00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:01,560
Speaker 1: you're single, and I'm like, I don't really understand why

427
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:04,600
Speaker 1: you're asking me that question like why are you single?

428
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:08,359
Speaker 1: Like you live in Nashville, you are you have a career,

429
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:13,000
Speaker 1: you know people, Why are you single? Why are you

430
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,320
Speaker 1: asking me that? Like, I don't know why I'm single.

431
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,040
Speaker 1: There's no reason to why I'm single. And that's what

432
00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:21,160
Speaker 1: I've had to accept two of like my Nashville experience,

433
00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:25,040
Speaker 1: because I think I assumed I would move here, I

434
00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:33,920
Speaker 1: would marry like Brian. Unfortunately, I'm I can, we can

435
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,439
Speaker 1: edit that out. But I used to love like Brian,

436
00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:40,680
Speaker 1: and I mean he was already married. That's actually why

437
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:45,080
Speaker 1: I moved here and not even me, but like I yeah,

438
00:23:45,119 --> 00:23:46,960
Speaker 1: I think I'm I had planned in my mind, like

439
00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:50,119
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get married, I'm gonna have a family, and

440
00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:55,119
Speaker 1: I'm gonna, yeah, I'm gonna feel like I got it

441
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:57,960
Speaker 1: when that all happens, I finally feel okay, yeah. And

442
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,800
Speaker 1: I think, like driving down six five are driving up

443
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,840
Speaker 1: north that day, I remember thinking, like my life is

444
00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:08,040
Speaker 1: about to change, and I think in my spirit I

445
00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:09,919
Speaker 1: knew it was about to change, but I did not

446
00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:13,479
Speaker 1: expect what that change was going to be. And so

447
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:17,560
Speaker 1: I think walking through the Inn diswater recovery and then

448
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:22,000
Speaker 1: so maybe downtown Umen and the like I was thriving.

449
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:27,000
Speaker 1: I was meeting people, loving life, being like twenty eight

450
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:30,240
Speaker 1: living in the city. Obviously, like I say loving life

451
00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:32,840
Speaker 1: in quotation marks, because they were struggles along the way

452
00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:36,639
Speaker 1: with that as well. I've been in therapy since like

453
00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:40,879
Speaker 1: twenty two, so I was struggling with things obviously, but

454
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:44,080
Speaker 1: in my mind nothing is coming as something that I

455
00:24:44,119 --> 00:24:48,920
Speaker 1: can pinpoint. And then the end of my life seemingly

456
00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:52,280
Speaker 1: got turned upside down. Um I was diagnosed with nine

457
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:59,640
Speaker 1: Hodgkin lymphoma in January of um So, how did that

458
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:03,320
Speaker 1: process look for you? And this is I know nothing

459
00:25:03,359 --> 00:25:06,480
Speaker 1: about this, Okay, this is everything that I'm learning now.

460
00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:08,919
Speaker 1: I'm learning. I'm learning with the people listening to this.

461
00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:11,600
Speaker 1: So did what did that look like? Did just go

462
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:15,720
Speaker 1: to the doctor? Something happening? Yeah? No. And I I'll

463
00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:18,800
Speaker 1: be completely like raw and vulnerable with this because I

464
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:21,480
Speaker 1: think that's what a lot of people like wonder, because

465
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:24,640
Speaker 1: it's like, how did this happen? Like I'm seemingly healthy?

466
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:29,240
Speaker 1: Um So, this is kind of the funny aspect of it.

467
00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:32,719
Speaker 1: I think it was the summer, so like May June,

468
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:36,879
Speaker 1: I was going to get a bikini wax two. I'm

469
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:42,040
Speaker 1: sorry I'm like years are it all feels like like

470
00:25:42,119 --> 00:25:46,280
Speaker 1: one long decade, um, But I'm like it was twenty

471
00:25:46,359 --> 00:25:50,840
Speaker 1: years ago, Like okay, twenty years ago. So summer, it's

472
00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:54,560
Speaker 1: going to get a bikini wax and went home and

473
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:57,119
Speaker 1: ended up that I got home and like there was

474
00:25:57,160 --> 00:26:01,920
Speaker 1: this bump kind of near KINI line, and I was thinking,

475
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:04,000
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I bet I'm having an allergic action

476
00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:08,040
Speaker 1: to the bikini wax. And so I put some mins

477
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:11,439
Speaker 1: born on it or something, and I remember thinking like

478
00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:14,000
Speaker 1: it'll go down, I'll go down. And then I end

479
00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:17,080
Speaker 1: up working like a summer camp. Um, and one of

480
00:26:17,119 --> 00:26:19,440
Speaker 1: the girls who was working with me was a nurse

481
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:21,800
Speaker 1: and methicist, and so she was like sharing a cabin

482
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:25,439
Speaker 1: and not decreased. This is like three weeks later, so

483
00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:27,119
Speaker 1: I thinking I probably have like an hand grown hair

484
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:29,359
Speaker 1: or something. It's just like, I don't know how to

485
00:26:29,359 --> 00:26:31,359
Speaker 1: describe it other than it was just like the size

486
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:33,320
Speaker 1: of it was like a little bump, but not like

487
00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:38,760
Speaker 1: a pimple. It was like not yeah, and UM felt fine,

488
00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:40,680
Speaker 1: had no issues. And so she looks at it and

489
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:42,679
Speaker 1: she was like, I don't know, like I feel like

490
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:44,840
Speaker 1: that you need to just like go get a looked

491
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:47,320
Speaker 1: at in case it's infected, like after your bikini wax.

492
00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:50,480
Speaker 1: And I'm like okay, So I like go to the

493
00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:53,560
Speaker 1: doctor and they're like, Mike, we don't know what that is,

494
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:56,240
Speaker 1: Like it's not an ingrown hair. You know, we're gonna

495
00:26:56,280 --> 00:27:00,199
Speaker 1: do a um CT scan or m r I just

496
00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:02,800
Speaker 1: to make sure everything, like if it's a hernia or

497
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:06,240
Speaker 1: some kind of like fibroid, which is like a fatty tumor.

498
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:09,480
Speaker 1: And are you like scared at this point? Are you like? No,

499
00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:10,840
Speaker 1: I'm just like I don't want to go to the

500
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:13,679
Speaker 1: doctor because that's taking me time out of my life.

501
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:18,280
Speaker 1: So I delayed it. So this was like June now July,

502
00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:20,320
Speaker 1: and it still was there, and so I was like,

503
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:23,359
Speaker 1: what is this? So I go and they look at it,

504
00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:25,920
Speaker 1: like I said, and um, I go for like a CT,

505
00:27:26,119 --> 00:27:28,159
Speaker 1: you know, an ultrasound. I went for an ultrasound and

506
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,240
Speaker 1: they looked at it and they're like, it looks like

507
00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:34,720
Speaker 1: it's just like an inflamed limp node. And so I

508
00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:37,080
Speaker 1: thought that's interesting, and they're like, it may be like

509
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:41,399
Speaker 1: you're working a summer camp, you know, you it's the summer,

510
00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:44,640
Speaker 1: you're in the water. It keeps be something no big deal,

511
00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:49,640
Speaker 1: So move on with my life. And honestly, like things

512
00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:52,679
Speaker 1: that fall, Like my dad was having health issues. I

513
00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:56,159
Speaker 1: was concentrating on everyone but myself and it was still there.

514
00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:59,879
Speaker 1: And so my sisters and nurse practitioner, so Thanksgiving, so

515
00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:03,159
Speaker 1: that that was in July, so long, so long, but

516
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:07,159
Speaker 1: did not think it didn't at that point. It was

517
00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:08,880
Speaker 1: just like there. And so I was like, that's kind

518
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:11,959
Speaker 1: of strange. But I think, honestly, I'm sure people who

519
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:14,520
Speaker 1: have gone through this before, or girls have connect with

520
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:17,480
Speaker 1: other people have connected with who had this similar experience.

521
00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:19,320
Speaker 1: It's like it becomes a part of your body that

522
00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:21,200
Speaker 1: you're like, it's not causing me issues, so I'm not

523
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:24,879
Speaker 1: going to do anything about it. Yeah, And so my

524
00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:28,359
Speaker 1: sister looks at it. Thanksgiving great, and she's like, you

525
00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:29,639
Speaker 1: need to go back to the doctor and get a

526
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:31,880
Speaker 1: second opinion because I have no idea what that is.

527
00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:35,640
Speaker 1: End Up, I go back to the doctor. One after

528
00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:40,000
Speaker 1: the other scan and blood work. They diagnosed me with

529
00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:45,280
Speaker 1: non non Hodgkin lymphoma and that there was an inflamed

530
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:48,880
Speaker 1: lymph node. But that along with like six other nodes

531
00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:54,280
Speaker 1: all in my like pelvic region, where cancerous, but you

532
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:56,320
Speaker 1: would you would have no idea that would have had

533
00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:59,800
Speaker 1: no clue at all. And they asked me. So when

534
00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:03,560
Speaker 1: I go and through that first stages of the process,

535
00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:05,440
Speaker 1: I would see you doctor after doctor and They're like,

536
00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:08,880
Speaker 1: are you in excruciating pain? And I'm like, I'm not,

537
00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:12,320
Speaker 1: Like I have no pain, I have no loss of appetite,

538
00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:15,239
Speaker 1: I have no loss of weight, I have no like

539
00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:19,160
Speaker 1: I was asymptomatic in terms of the typical cancer diagnosed

540
00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:22,160
Speaker 1: SYS symptoms, Like cancer was not even on my radar.

541
00:29:22,280 --> 00:29:24,840
Speaker 1: Like I was not even diagnosed with cancer. I know.

542
00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:26,720
Speaker 1: I was like, they're literally going to be like this

543
00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:28,640
Speaker 1: is something we can take out. Okay. So when you

544
00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:32,520
Speaker 1: got diagnosed, where were you? Yeah, oh yeah, okay, thank you.

545
00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:36,400
Speaker 1: What was that Like? I'm at my house. I'd got

546
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:39,560
Speaker 1: off work and in my room just kind of chilling

547
00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:43,400
Speaker 1: after work, and I get a cough and my stomach

548
00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:46,280
Speaker 1: just dropped. But I answered and she was like I

549
00:29:46,360 --> 00:29:49,200
Speaker 1: was a hello, and she's like, Emily, it's Dr Goer's

550
00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:52,760
Speaker 1: and I was like hi, and she's like this is

551
00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:57,960
Speaker 1: a really hard phone call. And I'm like okay, and

552
00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:02,880
Speaker 1: she's like, so you have non Hodgkin and foma and

553
00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:08,480
Speaker 1: I'm really sorry to tell you that, and it's I'm

554
00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:13,840
Speaker 1: by myself. I'm by myself. It's advanced. But we're we're

555
00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:16,200
Speaker 1: gonna we're gonna do this together. I'm gonna tricket you

556
00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:19,560
Speaker 1: back to Vanderbilt. You're gonna get great care. We're gonna

557
00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:21,800
Speaker 1: take care of you. And I was just like, I mean,

558
00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:24,960
Speaker 1: I literally could not speak. I was like okay, like

559
00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:27,240
Speaker 1: I didn't know what to say because I'm like, what

560
00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:30,200
Speaker 1: do you do? I feel like that's a movie moment

561
00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:34,080
Speaker 1: when you're like you've just been told something and you

562
00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:37,120
Speaker 1: expect it to be one way, but instead I'm laying

563
00:30:37,120 --> 00:30:40,080
Speaker 1: in my bed in Nashville, Tennessee, three hours from family,

564
00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:42,320
Speaker 1: and she's just told me I have cancer and I'm

565
00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:46,720
Speaker 1: twenty years old and advanced forward the type of I

566
00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:49,680
Speaker 1: mean with and I can get into like not Hodgkin,

567
00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:51,360
Speaker 1: but at that time, I mean, she was like it's

568
00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:54,720
Speaker 1: in multiple places, and I'm like, okay, multiple places in

569
00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:57,240
Speaker 1: my body. Multiple and She's like, no, multiple places within

570
00:30:57,280 --> 00:31:01,280
Speaker 1: that region, and so um it stage two going into

571
00:31:01,280 --> 00:31:04,520
Speaker 1: stage three, which basically just means like I was on

572
00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:08,160
Speaker 1: the cusp of like so yes, advanced because it had

573
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,960
Speaker 1: been in my body for and she's like, I'm on

574
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,920
Speaker 1: the fend that night she said, non Hodgkin. It's curable,

575
00:31:14,280 --> 00:31:17,120
Speaker 1: but it's rapid at the rate that it's going to spread,

576
00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:18,720
Speaker 1: and so we've got to get you to the Interbilt.

577
00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:23,160
Speaker 1: So in like two hours, I mean, I couldn't even

578
00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:25,840
Speaker 1: talk to my parents. Actually called my sister and told

579
00:31:25,880 --> 00:31:27,880
Speaker 1: my sister and then my sister like went to my

580
00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:31,600
Speaker 1: parents house because she lives. Pause. Yeah, I'm pausing because

581
00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:34,760
Speaker 1: this is probably this is also new. So I mean

582
00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:41,280
Speaker 1: this was yeah, just last year, So I apologize when

583
00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:44,960
Speaker 1: I'm talking past. No, That's why I'm gonna slow you down.

584
00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:51,440
Speaker 1: It is what is it September? This was January nine.

585
00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:55,760
Speaker 1: So you get a call from a doctor, you're by

586
00:31:55,760 --> 00:31:59,840
Speaker 1: yourself in Nashville, and the doctor says you have cancer

587
00:31:59,880 --> 00:32:03,520
Speaker 1: and you have to then call and tell yes, your family, Yes,

588
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:08,280
Speaker 1: are you like hysterical? For sure? So I had a

589
00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:12,480
Speaker 1: remmate and and what do you remember? Are you black out?

590
00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:16,120
Speaker 1: Like I really it's funny because I remember the first

591
00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:19,440
Speaker 1: call made was to my sister and I said I

592
00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:23,280
Speaker 1: could not speak, and I was like, it's cancer. And

593
00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:24,840
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that to be funny. I'm saying that

594
00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:27,000
Speaker 1: like I couldn't say I couldn't even say it, and

595
00:32:27,040 --> 00:32:31,520
Speaker 1: she's like okay, I'll cry back, and I'm like okay.

596
00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:33,239
Speaker 1: So then it ended up one of my old ery

597
00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:37,280
Speaker 1: mates was a nurse actually, like an oncology humatology nurse,

598
00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:39,720
Speaker 1: which is canceled, and so I called her because she

599
00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:42,120
Speaker 1: knew kind of when this process started, like she was

600
00:32:42,200 --> 00:32:44,720
Speaker 1: kind of walking with me through it because I was like,

601
00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:46,920
Speaker 1: they're telling me it could be this, but I don't

602
00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:49,440
Speaker 1: know if it's this, And so I'll call her and

603
00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:51,560
Speaker 1: she's like, I'm on my way, and so she got

604
00:32:51,560 --> 00:32:54,560
Speaker 1: there within like twenty minutes, so like I had, that

605
00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:56,240
Speaker 1: was twenty minutes. I remember laying in my bed and

606
00:32:56,280 --> 00:32:58,240
Speaker 1: I text my roommate, my sweet roommate at the time.

607
00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:00,640
Speaker 1: I just said hey, like because she you also like

608
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:02,680
Speaker 1: the process that I was going through. I was like, hey,

609
00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:05,880
Speaker 1: I just got the call. It is cancer. I don't

610
00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:07,560
Speaker 1: even know what to do. And she's like, what do

611
00:33:07,560 --> 00:33:10,320
Speaker 1: you need? You know, she was very gracious and so

612
00:33:10,400 --> 00:33:12,560
Speaker 1: many ways in terms of like, hey, do you need space?

613
00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:14,720
Speaker 1: Do you want me to pick up food? I was like,

614
00:33:14,800 --> 00:33:17,880
Speaker 1: I'm not even sure. And then My sister called me

615
00:33:17,920 --> 00:33:20,520
Speaker 1: back like ten minutes later, right before my oldery mate

616
00:33:20,520 --> 00:33:22,240
Speaker 1: got there, and she's like, I'm calling mom and dad,

617
00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:24,480
Speaker 1: can you just tell me what it is? And so

618
00:33:24,520 --> 00:33:26,280
Speaker 1: I told her. I was like, non Hodgkin lim foma,

619
00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:28,080
Speaker 1: and that's all I said, and she hung up the phone.

620
00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:31,960
Speaker 1: And then the beautiful thing about that is her being

621
00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:35,600
Speaker 1: an practitioner, she has that medical so she ended up

622
00:33:35,840 --> 00:33:38,440
Speaker 1: and my dad's a venarian, so he has like some

623
00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:41,720
Speaker 1: medical knowledge, but for animals. She ended up calling them

624
00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:45,000
Speaker 1: and telling them, and then she told them not to

625
00:33:45,040 --> 00:33:48,320
Speaker 1: call me because I was just like I can't even

626
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:50,600
Speaker 1: speak right now, and so like it was just the

627
00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:53,280
Speaker 1: weirdest night in my life. Chelsea, my oldery mate. The

628
00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:54,760
Speaker 1: first thing I said to her when she walked to

629
00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:57,560
Speaker 1: my room, I'm going to be bald. So that's like

630
00:33:57,640 --> 00:34:01,680
Speaker 1: your first like for me, as I was processing like

631
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:04,520
Speaker 1: the trauma from my euning disorder of like the appearance

632
00:34:04,600 --> 00:34:08,759
Speaker 1: and all that, I wasn't even thinking like chemo or

633
00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:12,239
Speaker 1: like what even like my life expectancy was. I was like,

634
00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:15,320
Speaker 1: I'm going to be bald. So that was late January

635
00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:20,080
Speaker 1: and then I started chemo um the end of February

636
00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:23,560
Speaker 1: because there was a lot of process um and this

637
00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:25,239
Speaker 1: is something I'd love to share. You can cut it

638
00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:28,120
Speaker 1: off if you if you want to. But the part

639
00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:30,839
Speaker 1: of going through chemo that I think, again, like when

640
00:34:30,920 --> 00:34:32,879
Speaker 1: my life, I thought I was gonna look one way

641
00:34:33,200 --> 00:34:35,640
Speaker 1: coming to Nashville. I desire to be a wife, I

642
00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:38,160
Speaker 1: desire to be a mom. But when I got diagnosed,

643
00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:41,080
Speaker 1: I went from my first appointment and they start saying that, like,

644
00:34:41,360 --> 00:34:47,799
Speaker 1: chemotherapy can make you infertile. So I'm like, well, like

645
00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:49,920
Speaker 1: what I mean, I didn't even know that was a

646
00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:54,160
Speaker 1: side effect, And so I got diagnosed. I go from

647
00:34:54,200 --> 00:34:56,239
Speaker 1: my first appointment and then they're like you can get

648
00:34:56,239 --> 00:35:00,719
Speaker 1: a Nashville Fertility and get your eggs frozen in or

649
00:35:01,200 --> 00:35:03,719
Speaker 1: the process and the name. So then I think it's

650
00:35:03,719 --> 00:35:07,400
Speaker 1: like frozen or yeah, I'm not fertilized. That they were

651
00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:11,640
Speaker 1: your eggs are not fertilized. But I remember the doctor

652
00:35:11,719 --> 00:35:14,000
Speaker 1: was like, you know you can or my doctor is

653
00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:16,000
Speaker 1: like you can go there and find out more about

654
00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:18,680
Speaker 1: like fertility stuff. And so all of a sudden, I'm like,

655
00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:21,200
Speaker 1: I have no boyfriend, I'm diagnosed with cancer, and now

656
00:35:21,239 --> 00:35:23,160
Speaker 1: they're trying to get me to like freeze my eggs

657
00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:26,480
Speaker 1: just so that I can go through chemo so that

658
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:28,560
Speaker 1: I possibly could have kids in the future. So then

659
00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:31,720
Speaker 1: all of these dreams laid before me like just started

660
00:35:31,760 --> 00:35:34,960
Speaker 1: like slipping away because I'm thinking, well, first off, I

661
00:35:35,280 --> 00:35:38,880
Speaker 1: want to like live, right, So it's like I had

662
00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:42,000
Speaker 1: to lay down those things because ended up going to

663
00:35:42,080 --> 00:35:43,879
Speaker 1: Nashville Fertility and they were like, it's going to take

664
00:35:43,920 --> 00:35:48,000
Speaker 1: us eight weeks to do this. And my doctor, my humantolgist,

665
00:35:48,120 --> 00:35:51,040
Speaker 1: who is like a blood cancer doctor because lymphoma is

666
00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:54,680
Speaker 1: basically a blood cancer. UM, she was like, you don't

667
00:35:54,680 --> 00:35:57,600
Speaker 1: have that time. And so I had to then sit

668
00:35:57,840 --> 00:36:01,160
Speaker 1: in process like okay, like I desire my life and

669
00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:05,040
Speaker 1: I desire to be healed, but like that may come

670
00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:07,880
Speaker 1: with things that I once desired that may not be

671
00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:10,080
Speaker 1: able to have the way that I thought that it

672
00:36:10,120 --> 00:36:14,400
Speaker 1: was gonna happen. So long story short, before I started chemo,

673
00:36:14,440 --> 00:36:16,440
Speaker 1: went through all of that, and then once I started chemo,

674
00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:20,040
Speaker 1: that was traumatic in itself, just because you know, you

675
00:36:20,080 --> 00:36:22,080
Speaker 1: go through the process of like the first time I

676
00:36:22,120 --> 00:36:24,400
Speaker 1: was there for chemo, UM, I had friends come with

677
00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:27,239
Speaker 1: me and my family came up, and the nurse was

678
00:36:27,280 --> 00:36:28,839
Speaker 1: like I'm leaving, and she's like, Okay, I just want

679
00:36:28,840 --> 00:36:30,560
Speaker 1: to let you know, like on the fourteenth day, you're

680
00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:34,560
Speaker 1: gonna start losing your hair. And I was like, oh, like,

681
00:36:35,719 --> 00:36:37,719
Speaker 1: because I think I may. I may have asked, like

682
00:36:39,080 --> 00:36:41,320
Speaker 1: what does the process look like in between my chemos,

683
00:36:41,320 --> 00:36:43,879
Speaker 1: because my chemo was like every third week, and she's like,

684
00:36:44,719 --> 00:36:46,680
Speaker 1: it's hard, but I think you can do it. But

685
00:36:46,760 --> 00:36:48,680
Speaker 1: just you know, like the first round is the hardest

686
00:36:48,719 --> 00:36:51,520
Speaker 1: because that's when all the effects happened. It went and

687
00:36:51,560 --> 00:36:54,120
Speaker 1: I remember, like twelve days after my first round of chemo,

688
00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:57,280
Speaker 1: my hair was still like thriving, and I was thinking,

689
00:36:57,480 --> 00:36:59,399
Speaker 1: I am the one person that's going to go through

690
00:36:59,440 --> 00:37:02,480
Speaker 1: chemo all my hair and not lose my hair. And

691
00:37:02,520 --> 00:37:06,359
Speaker 1: then no, lie, the fourteenth day, I woke up and

692
00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:09,000
Speaker 1: got in the shower and it was one of the

693
00:37:09,480 --> 00:37:12,880
Speaker 1: like that night when I got diagnosed was traumatic, but

694
00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:15,560
Speaker 1: then the morning of the fourteenth day when I got

695
00:37:15,560 --> 00:37:18,080
Speaker 1: in the shower and all of my hair was coming out,

696
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:22,560
Speaker 1: that it was probably more traumatic than even what I

697
00:37:22,640 --> 00:37:24,759
Speaker 1: had experience when I first got diagnosed, because I think

698
00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:26,880
Speaker 1: I had kind of gotten to the point of acceptance

699
00:37:26,920 --> 00:37:28,600
Speaker 1: of like, Okay, this is the journey I'm on, but

700
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:33,680
Speaker 1: then the exterior reminder of the journey, right, because like

701
00:37:33,760 --> 00:37:35,440
Speaker 1: I had had chemo and then I looked the same,

702
00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:38,120
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden you lose your hair, and

703
00:37:38,120 --> 00:37:41,920
Speaker 1: then you have that appearance of I'm sick, and so

704
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:46,200
Speaker 1: again that hiddenness that came or that like thrived off

705
00:37:46,239 --> 00:37:48,800
Speaker 1: of with the new disorder, and then that that first

706
00:37:49,120 --> 00:37:51,359
Speaker 1: round of chemo where I was like, I've had chemo

707
00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:54,719
Speaker 1: and I look normal, But then like that fourteenth day,

708
00:37:54,719 --> 00:37:56,920
Speaker 1: it was like all my hair's gone. My identity is

709
00:37:56,960 --> 00:37:59,920
Speaker 1: not I'm not who I am is like the girl

710
00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:02,520
Speaker 1: of cancer. Oh yeah, And then all of a sudden

711
00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:06,000
Speaker 1: it was like I'm the girl with cancer who on

712
00:38:06,000 --> 00:38:07,680
Speaker 1: a Thursday I went to work with hair and on

713
00:38:07,680 --> 00:38:11,000
Speaker 1: a Friday I had it like a little hot and

714
00:38:11,040 --> 00:38:14,240
Speaker 1: wrap on because my hair was falling out so rapidly.

715
00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:18,279
Speaker 1: I cannot imagine waking up one day washing my hair

716
00:38:18,360 --> 00:38:21,399
Speaker 1: and then in a day or two you look completely different. Yeah, oh,

717
00:38:21,520 --> 00:38:25,400
Speaker 1: exactly exactly. Your hair thinned. No, no, it's like it

718
00:38:25,440 --> 00:38:28,480
Speaker 1: was like calming. And one of my friends actually does

719
00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:30,759
Speaker 1: hair out of her garage and she had done my

720
00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:32,920
Speaker 1: hair previously. In that text her when I was at

721
00:38:32,920 --> 00:38:34,440
Speaker 1: work because I was going to really try to, like

722
00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:37,120
Speaker 1: people say, like when you're losing your hair, to do

723
00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:39,319
Speaker 1: in stages, because it's very traumatic to go from like

724
00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:42,160
Speaker 1: hair to no hair. Typically people will cut it really

725
00:38:42,200 --> 00:38:44,719
Speaker 1: short and they'll just like shave it down until it's

726
00:38:44,760 --> 00:38:47,600
Speaker 1: like all gone, and of course like an all or

727
00:38:47,640 --> 00:38:50,520
Speaker 1: nothing me the mindset. So I ended up like driving

728
00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:53,640
Speaker 1: to my friend's house in East Nashville and thinking on

729
00:38:53,680 --> 00:38:57,960
Speaker 1: the way, what the hill is happening to my life?

730
00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:01,120
Speaker 1: Like I'm losing my hair, I'm going through chemo. But

731
00:39:01,360 --> 00:39:03,280
Speaker 1: I get to her house and she's like, are you ready?

732
00:39:03,280 --> 00:39:05,359
Speaker 1: And I'm like I think so, And you're never ready

733
00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:07,600
Speaker 1: for that moment, Like you're never ready. And I think

734
00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:11,520
Speaker 1: that once my head was shaved, it pushed me into

735
00:39:11,600 --> 00:39:14,759
Speaker 1: this whole journey of like the girl with cancer and

736
00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:17,759
Speaker 1: did you know Emily Riley had cancer? I mean, I

737
00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:20,640
Speaker 1: want to know for you, as you're like shaving your head,

738
00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:24,520
Speaker 1: how does that shift what you find important? If important?

739
00:39:24,560 --> 00:39:26,919
Speaker 1: Just a couple of years ago, was this body right

740
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:30,200
Speaker 1: and this image? And then you're staying they're fighting for

741
00:39:30,239 --> 00:39:33,759
Speaker 1: your life and knowing you're doing it, So how does

742
00:39:33,800 --> 00:39:36,320
Speaker 1: that shift your perspective. So I'm about a year and

743
00:39:36,320 --> 00:39:39,960
Speaker 1: a half out and I am still processing. So there

744
00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:42,440
Speaker 1: are some days where I forget I had cancer, and

745
00:39:42,440 --> 00:39:45,480
Speaker 1: then there's other days when it's so heavy in my

746
00:39:45,520 --> 00:39:48,960
Speaker 1: spirit because I think while I was going through that process,

747
00:39:49,280 --> 00:39:53,640
Speaker 1: I didn't allow myself to process because you can't because

748
00:39:53,640 --> 00:39:57,320
Speaker 1: you've got to survive. So I just like survives, survives, survive.

749
00:39:57,719 --> 00:40:01,280
Speaker 1: And then I feel like now I'm really starting to process,

750
00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:04,560
Speaker 1: and I'm really just starting to like look back at

751
00:40:04,560 --> 00:40:08,000
Speaker 1: photos and see how sick I was. But one thing

752
00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:11,360
Speaker 1: that I think at that moment, when I was shaving

753
00:40:11,400 --> 00:40:16,000
Speaker 1: my head, I found a lot of identity in being blind,

754
00:40:16,520 --> 00:40:19,879
Speaker 1: looked looking a certain way. I felt like that's why

755
00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:23,800
Speaker 1: people loved me. And so in one night, all of

756
00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:26,520
Speaker 1: a sudden, everything was stripped from me that I thought

757
00:40:27,080 --> 00:40:32,360
Speaker 1: identified me. And that was the most painful aspect I

758
00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:35,440
Speaker 1: think of the journey when I look back now, because

759
00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:39,239
Speaker 1: it felt like everything was stripped from me overnight. But

760
00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:41,520
Speaker 1: I was carrying a ton of grief, but also it

761
00:40:41,600 --> 00:40:44,040
Speaker 1: was like joy was kind of at that foundation of

762
00:40:44,080 --> 00:40:48,160
Speaker 1: like this is exposing not only the bad cancer cells

763
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:52,719
Speaker 1: that are in my body, but it's also exposing my identity,

764
00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:56,799
Speaker 1: that you my true identity that I struggled with when

765
00:40:56,800 --> 00:41:00,440
Speaker 1: I was thirteen, And did you even know what it was? No? No,

766
00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:04,719
Speaker 1: And so it's not just hair for anyone. It's not

767
00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:06,839
Speaker 1: just hair, regardless of like if you hate your hair

768
00:41:07,040 --> 00:41:08,719
Speaker 1: or if you love your hair, or if it's curly

769
00:41:08,840 --> 00:41:11,360
Speaker 1: or straight or long or short, your hair is a

770
00:41:11,400 --> 00:41:13,600
Speaker 1: woman identifies you in some way. So I think it

771
00:41:13,719 --> 00:41:18,440
Speaker 1: gave me such a respect for people who maybe have

772
00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:22,640
Speaker 1: like autoimmune disease or different aspects of their own health

773
00:41:22,800 --> 00:41:27,800
Speaker 1: that pauses certain types of baldness or causes certain types

774
00:41:27,840 --> 00:41:31,719
Speaker 1: of dynamics that they can't control, right, And but it's

775
00:41:32,040 --> 00:41:36,680
Speaker 1: it really did bring about because yeah, all the things.

776
00:41:36,719 --> 00:41:38,480
Speaker 1: And I think that what's coming to me as like

777
00:41:38,960 --> 00:41:40,439
Speaker 1: when I if I had a look in the mirror

778
00:41:40,480 --> 00:41:42,480
Speaker 1: and you did this so you could answer this like

779
00:41:43,200 --> 00:41:45,600
Speaker 1: you're forced to look at something else. I can't look

780
00:41:45,640 --> 00:41:48,120
Speaker 1: at my hair for sure? So what am I looking

781
00:41:48,160 --> 00:41:51,000
Speaker 1: sure now? For sure? And that like what do I see?

782
00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:54,919
Speaker 1: That is? Where what are people saying for sure? For sure?

783
00:41:54,960 --> 00:41:58,440
Speaker 1: And I think I keep saying I think because I'm

784
00:41:58,480 --> 00:42:02,319
Speaker 1: not sure about anything, but um for sure, I'm also

785
00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:04,879
Speaker 1: not sure about what I'm not like you, sure, but

786
00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:09,240
Speaker 1: not for sure. I remember I would wake up and

787
00:42:10,160 --> 00:42:13,520
Speaker 1: I would not recognize myself for someone that struggled with

788
00:42:13,560 --> 00:42:17,040
Speaker 1: a neating disorder. And then you walk into like something

789
00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:21,640
Speaker 1: that strips your body of everything, um including your hair.

790
00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:23,480
Speaker 1: It was like, all of a sudden, I was looking

791
00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:25,880
Speaker 1: in a mirror at someone that I didn't know, but

792
00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:28,200
Speaker 1: I had to get to know. And so all of

793
00:42:28,239 --> 00:42:32,400
Speaker 1: a sudden, I'm having to like, I love myself in

794
00:42:32,440 --> 00:42:34,560
Speaker 1: the mirror when I feel like I look like a rat.

795
00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:38,240
Speaker 1: But that again was the starting point of like stripping

796
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:40,239
Speaker 1: all of that stuff that was built up during the

797
00:42:40,280 --> 00:42:43,759
Speaker 1: ten years of my eating disorder and then rebuilding my

798
00:42:43,800 --> 00:42:46,560
Speaker 1: identity and that like I am known and loved not

799
00:42:46,600 --> 00:42:48,839
Speaker 1: because I have blonde hair. I am known and loved

800
00:42:48,880 --> 00:42:52,400
Speaker 1: because because of who Emily is. But you had to

801
00:42:52,400 --> 00:42:54,840
Speaker 1: look in the mirror and say, I'm looking at Emily

802
00:42:55,120 --> 00:42:57,880
Speaker 1: rather than I'm looking at Emily without her hair exactly,

803
00:42:57,960 --> 00:43:02,000
Speaker 1: so seeing nothing like things are changing within me, but

804
00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:06,200
Speaker 1: the value and my worthiness and it is not wavering.

805
00:43:06,360 --> 00:43:08,200
Speaker 1: It is the same as it was when my blonde

806
00:43:08,239 --> 00:43:10,239
Speaker 1: hair that was long, I don't know how long it was,

807
00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:11,880
Speaker 1: but and then now I'm on the other side of

808
00:43:11,920 --> 00:43:17,440
Speaker 1: it and all their cancer, like it stripped everything from me,

809
00:43:18,080 --> 00:43:21,839
Speaker 1: it gave me everything in return. And I think that's

810
00:43:21,840 --> 00:43:24,360
Speaker 1: hard to say, because it's painful to say, because I

811
00:43:24,400 --> 00:43:26,319
Speaker 1: wish it wasn't a part of my story. But I

812
00:43:26,360 --> 00:43:28,319
Speaker 1: think we all have things that are a part of

813
00:43:28,320 --> 00:43:29,880
Speaker 1: our journey that you're like, I was that one a

814
00:43:29,920 --> 00:43:31,919
Speaker 1: part of my story. I wish it wasn't a part

815
00:43:31,920 --> 00:43:33,760
Speaker 1: of my story, but it is a part of my story.

816
00:43:34,040 --> 00:43:35,759
Speaker 1: So I've gotten to the point a year and a

817
00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:39,040
Speaker 1: half out where I look back at pictures and I

818
00:43:39,040 --> 00:43:43,120
Speaker 1: don't cringe. I look back at pictures and I think, wow,

819
00:43:43,560 --> 00:43:47,279
Speaker 1: like you had the opportunity to walk through that. And

820
00:43:47,520 --> 00:43:50,560
Speaker 1: it's the weirdest thing to even say, but like, in ways,

821
00:43:50,640 --> 00:43:53,160
Speaker 1: I feel grateful for it because it's built me in

822
00:43:53,239 --> 00:43:57,040
Speaker 1: ways that the culture couldn't build me. My ENI disorder

823
00:43:57,080 --> 00:44:03,160
Speaker 1: couldn't build me, Instagram couldn't build me. Like I know

824
00:44:03,400 --> 00:44:07,360
Speaker 1: and love myself more now after I've had this illness

825
00:44:07,920 --> 00:44:11,200
Speaker 1: than I ever have, And maybe that comes from a

826
00:44:11,239 --> 00:44:16,160
Speaker 1: lot of different experiences with walking through cancer, but also

827
00:44:16,280 --> 00:44:19,959
Speaker 1: like going to therapy and processing this. When you took

828
00:44:20,000 --> 00:44:22,600
Speaker 1: I mean when you said, like it took everything away,

829
00:44:22,640 --> 00:44:25,560
Speaker 1: but it gave me everything. It took everything you thought

830
00:44:25,640 --> 00:44:30,360
Speaker 1: was important away, and it scared you in the sense

831
00:44:30,400 --> 00:44:33,040
Speaker 1: that I assumed that it gave you the threat if

832
00:44:33,040 --> 00:44:35,640
Speaker 1: it was going to take away your life exactly. And

833
00:44:35,680 --> 00:44:38,040
Speaker 1: so when you are faced and I can't answer this

834
00:44:38,080 --> 00:44:40,880
Speaker 1: because I've never experienced this, but when you are faced

835
00:44:40,880 --> 00:44:43,239
Speaker 1: with something that is taking all the step away that

836
00:44:43,280 --> 00:44:46,399
Speaker 1: you thought was so important that you're learning the hard way,

837
00:44:46,520 --> 00:44:49,800
Speaker 1: maybe this isn't this isn't it. And then it's also

838
00:44:50,239 --> 00:44:53,600
Speaker 1: threatening to take away your literal life, like you don't know,

839
00:44:54,360 --> 00:44:58,440
Speaker 1: like did you what was that like? Walking through that

840
00:44:58,719 --> 00:45:01,799
Speaker 1: not knowing how things were going to turn out when

841
00:45:01,800 --> 00:45:05,720
Speaker 1: you're here today. But I didn't, you know, No, I didn't.

842
00:45:05,760 --> 00:45:07,520
Speaker 1: And there were a lot of ups and downs through

843
00:45:07,520 --> 00:45:11,040
Speaker 1: that journey and a journal a ton and I remember

844
00:45:11,080 --> 00:45:17,319
Speaker 1: writing the pain of facing your mortality at is not

845
00:45:17,480 --> 00:45:22,520
Speaker 1: normal because I kind of lived my own quarantine last year,

846
00:45:23,040 --> 00:45:24,880
Speaker 1: just going to Whole Foods are going to eat. I

847
00:45:24,920 --> 00:45:26,400
Speaker 1: had to wear a mask and I had to like

848
00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:30,319
Speaker 1: protect myself. And so so like facing your mortality at

849
00:45:30,320 --> 00:45:34,640
Speaker 1: twenty eight, when all of your friends are going out

850
00:45:34,800 --> 00:45:39,279
Speaker 1: doing concerts, living their life, worried about boys texting, and

851
00:45:39,280 --> 00:45:41,920
Speaker 1: I'm over here like really sick from chemo. Facing your

852
00:45:41,960 --> 00:45:45,680
Speaker 1: mortality at gave me a sense of purpose and a

853
00:45:45,719 --> 00:45:50,080
Speaker 1: sense of newfound love for my life in a way

854
00:45:50,120 --> 00:45:54,440
Speaker 1: that probably I thought would have come from getting married

855
00:45:54,760 --> 00:46:00,520
Speaker 1: or having kids, or having a house and a suburb

856
00:46:00,760 --> 00:46:04,320
Speaker 1: where um, So the secret of life is not getting

857
00:46:04,320 --> 00:46:06,080
Speaker 1: married and doing the things that you thought were on

858
00:46:06,120 --> 00:46:09,759
Speaker 1: your lists. Secret of life is realizing that, like, what

859
00:46:09,960 --> 00:46:13,239
Speaker 1: I have all I need because if you yeah, and

860
00:46:13,280 --> 00:46:16,920
Speaker 1: I think those things are added gifts, right, Like if

861
00:46:17,000 --> 00:46:18,480
Speaker 1: I were to get married, if I were to have

862
00:46:18,480 --> 00:46:21,080
Speaker 1: a family, if I were to live in a house

863
00:46:21,200 --> 00:46:24,640
Speaker 1: or have something that I at one point in time

864
00:46:24,719 --> 00:46:27,759
Speaker 1: thought that was the goal. But you weren't born to

865
00:46:27,800 --> 00:46:30,319
Speaker 1: get married and moved. You were born to live a

866
00:46:30,360 --> 00:46:33,719
Speaker 1: life exactly, and you are living exactly I'm living now,

867
00:46:33,760 --> 00:46:35,880
Speaker 1: And I think that's that's such a good point because

868
00:46:36,480 --> 00:46:38,640
Speaker 1: it's like everything is shifted in my head in terms

869
00:46:38,680 --> 00:46:42,080
Speaker 1: of like my goals, Like I'm totally different in the

870
00:46:42,120 --> 00:46:44,680
Speaker 1: way that I think about life, totally different the way

871
00:46:44,680 --> 00:46:48,160
Speaker 1: that I see people. I think everyone is suffering in

872
00:46:48,200 --> 00:46:52,920
Speaker 1: some way and everyone's trying to figure it out. And

873
00:46:52,960 --> 00:46:57,239
Speaker 1: so whether you're bald or you have here or like

874
00:46:58,160 --> 00:47:02,000
Speaker 1: you're this size or that size, or we're all just

875
00:47:02,040 --> 00:47:05,000
Speaker 1: trying to figure out how to best live this life.

876
00:47:05,800 --> 00:47:09,000
Speaker 1: So I met you in at a gym and at

877
00:47:09,040 --> 00:47:11,680
Speaker 1: a cycling studio. Well you were in remission or yes,

878
00:47:11,840 --> 00:47:15,040
Speaker 1: I was found out. So I had clear scans in June.

879
00:47:15,680 --> 00:47:18,319
Speaker 1: Actually know I had clear scans in July. And then

880
00:47:18,360 --> 00:47:21,880
Speaker 1: my gift to myself because I really, throughout the chemo

881
00:47:21,960 --> 00:47:25,560
Speaker 1: process everything about my life change in terms of with recovery.

882
00:47:25,640 --> 00:47:28,880
Speaker 1: Like I love to move my body and but that

883
00:47:28,920 --> 00:47:33,360
Speaker 1: looks different from my an disorder. But throughout chemo, I

884
00:47:33,360 --> 00:47:35,839
Speaker 1: didn't feel good enough to move my body. So when

885
00:47:35,840 --> 00:47:38,400
Speaker 1: I finished chemo, I got my clear scans, I thought

886
00:47:38,760 --> 00:47:40,760
Speaker 1: I and I know Annie. I'd seen on her Instagram.

887
00:47:40,800 --> 00:47:42,480
Speaker 1: She was like in the structure at cycle bar and

888
00:47:42,520 --> 00:47:45,319
Speaker 1: I was like, that looks so fun, Like I just

889
00:47:45,360 --> 00:47:47,480
Speaker 1: need to go and so yeah, so a gift to

890
00:47:47,520 --> 00:47:50,000
Speaker 1: myself was I joined the time that you were working

891
00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:53,000
Speaker 1: at That was the gift to myself. But that sounds weird.

892
00:47:53,520 --> 00:47:56,000
Speaker 1: It was that first sounds weird. I was gonna say

893
00:47:56,040 --> 00:47:59,680
Speaker 1: that that sounds weird, say that's the coolest thing that did.

894
00:48:00,040 --> 00:48:02,600
Speaker 1: And I, I mean, it's not important for me to

895
00:48:02,640 --> 00:48:03,880
Speaker 1: know that, but I had. What I was going to

896
00:48:03,960 --> 00:48:06,200
Speaker 1: say is I had no idea that you had cancer

897
00:48:06,280 --> 00:48:08,640
Speaker 1: when I met you, like you, we knew you was

898
00:48:08,640 --> 00:48:11,320
Speaker 1: like Emily Valley was like the smiley girl, like the

899
00:48:11,560 --> 00:48:16,319
Speaker 1: sweet smiley girl you came or in the mornings. And

900
00:48:17,120 --> 00:48:19,719
Speaker 1: it wasn't until like we became friends on Instagram and

901
00:48:19,719 --> 00:48:21,279
Speaker 1: I looked at your Instagram and I think that's when

902
00:48:21,280 --> 00:48:23,160
Speaker 1: I found out. I was like, I had no idea.

903
00:48:23,320 --> 00:48:25,640
Speaker 1: I can be oblivious, and I also like live in

904
00:48:25,680 --> 00:48:28,600
Speaker 1: a world. I tried. I tried to live in the world.

905
00:48:28,800 --> 00:48:32,040
Speaker 1: I'm a human, but like, oh yeah, knowing my experience

906
00:48:32,080 --> 00:48:34,000
Speaker 1: and experience that I have with people in here, I'm not.

907
00:48:34,160 --> 00:48:36,400
Speaker 1: I don't try to assume anything. So I'm literally like

908
00:48:36,520 --> 00:48:38,799
Speaker 1: take things for what I am, over what they are.

909
00:48:39,080 --> 00:48:41,200
Speaker 1: And then I saw your Instagram and then I think

910
00:48:41,200 --> 00:48:44,759
Speaker 1: we just were talking one day. Yeah no, but we

911
00:48:44,760 --> 00:48:47,600
Speaker 1: did talk one morning and I like like fifteen minutes

912
00:48:47,600 --> 00:48:49,760
Speaker 1: of my story. I was like, I've never had a boyfriend.

913
00:48:49,840 --> 00:48:53,200
Speaker 1: I'm thirty, and like, why I've had cancer? Like, I

914
00:48:53,320 --> 00:48:56,279
Speaker 1: literally just y, I think you are one of those

915
00:48:56,280 --> 00:48:58,760
Speaker 1: people that like you just invite people into your life.

916
00:48:58,800 --> 00:49:00,240
Speaker 1: And I don't even know how we get on that topic,

917
00:49:00,400 --> 00:49:05,000
Speaker 1: but um, anyways, when you're going through something that your

918
00:49:05,040 --> 00:49:08,799
Speaker 1: appearance changes, like people talk and people talk to your

919
00:49:08,800 --> 00:49:11,960
Speaker 1: face too. And I remember I was in a store

920
00:49:12,440 --> 00:49:14,840
Speaker 1: shopping and I had just shaved my head. It was

921
00:49:14,880 --> 00:49:18,400
Speaker 1: like the Sunday after the Friday, and I had like

922
00:49:18,440 --> 00:49:21,719
Speaker 1: a little hat on, and I mean literally just doing

923
00:49:21,760 --> 00:49:25,279
Speaker 1: my thing, like walking around probably tearful because I feel

924
00:49:25,320 --> 00:49:27,680
Speaker 1: like after I shaved my head, like the next three weeks,

925
00:49:27,719 --> 00:49:31,640
Speaker 1: I was just like tearful. Yeah, I felt exposed. And

926
00:49:32,480 --> 00:49:34,680
Speaker 1: this lady comes up to me. I'm like literally going

927
00:49:34,680 --> 00:49:37,080
Speaker 1: through the clothes and she like puts her hand on

928
00:49:37,120 --> 00:49:41,759
Speaker 1: my back and she said, I'm a survivor. And I

929
00:49:41,800 --> 00:49:43,279
Speaker 1: did not know what to say because I was like,

930
00:49:43,360 --> 00:49:46,440
Speaker 1: first off, like how did you know? Like you're assuming that,

931
00:49:46,600 --> 00:49:49,160
Speaker 1: And that also taught me not to assume, because like

932
00:49:49,239 --> 00:49:52,120
Speaker 1: she didn't know. She just said like I'm a survivor.

933
00:49:52,160 --> 00:49:55,600
Speaker 1: I'm like I could just be like, yeah, I could

934
00:49:55,600 --> 00:49:59,000
Speaker 1: just be rocking this style. And I just did not

935
00:49:59,080 --> 00:50:00,960
Speaker 1: know what to say. I was like frozen. And she

936
00:50:01,040 --> 00:50:02,520
Speaker 1: went into her story and I was like, thank you

937
00:50:02,560 --> 00:50:04,640
Speaker 1: so much for sharing. I did not even tell her

938
00:50:04,719 --> 00:50:07,759
Speaker 1: my story. I was just like than, I'm like, thank

939
00:50:07,800 --> 00:50:10,960
Speaker 1: you so inter sharing. And then another thing which I

940
00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:13,200
Speaker 1: think this shows of as you're going throughout this journey,

941
00:50:13,280 --> 00:50:15,560
Speaker 1: it it strengthens you in ways that you're not even

942
00:50:16,880 --> 00:50:20,080
Speaker 1: aware of, especially with like when people say things. So

943
00:50:20,840 --> 00:50:23,440
Speaker 1: I was at this engagement party for a friend and

944
00:50:23,480 --> 00:50:25,759
Speaker 1: I was there with like a few of my girlfriends

945
00:50:25,800 --> 00:50:28,040
Speaker 1: and we're all like standing in a circle and talking

946
00:50:28,040 --> 00:50:30,520
Speaker 1: and chatting and this man comes over. It was one

947
00:50:30,520 --> 00:50:35,279
Speaker 1: of the bride's family friends. Um, and I think there

948
00:50:35,280 --> 00:50:38,839
Speaker 1: had been some like drinking, so I totally understand that

949
00:50:39,640 --> 00:50:42,080
Speaker 1: his intentions were not at all to like hurt my

950
00:50:42,120 --> 00:50:45,360
Speaker 1: feelings or anything like that. But um, we're standing in

951
00:50:45,360 --> 00:50:47,040
Speaker 1: your group and he's like, I've heard you guys are

952
00:50:47,680 --> 00:50:49,799
Speaker 1: so and so his friends, and I want to hear

953
00:50:49,800 --> 00:50:51,560
Speaker 1: more about what you guys do in Nashville. And so

954
00:50:51,920 --> 00:50:54,200
Speaker 1: we're like kind of in a semicircle and they're like,

955
00:50:54,360 --> 00:50:56,200
Speaker 1: I'm so and so, and I'm so and so, and

956
00:50:56,239 --> 00:50:58,520
Speaker 1: I do this and I do that. And then he

957
00:50:58,560 --> 00:51:01,680
Speaker 1: gets to me and before I can even say anything,

958
00:51:01,800 --> 00:51:07,759
Speaker 1: he's like, now, what's happening here? Okay, you they can't

959
00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:09,799
Speaker 1: see what you did, but she just like waved her

960
00:51:09,840 --> 00:51:14,360
Speaker 1: hand like he was like, yes, like what is happening here? What?

961
00:51:14,840 --> 00:51:18,399
Speaker 1: And I just responded, I said, I'm actually going through

962
00:51:18,440 --> 00:51:23,160
Speaker 1: cancer treatment. And then he ended up going into this.

963
00:51:23,360 --> 00:51:26,560
Speaker 1: I think obviously he felt bad, but he went into

964
00:51:26,600 --> 00:51:29,319
Speaker 1: this whole personal story of his own journey, which was

965
00:51:29,480 --> 00:51:33,759
Speaker 1: nicely overshared to compensate. I understand in that moment, You're

966
00:51:33,880 --> 00:51:36,480
Speaker 1: trying to figure out, how do my best respond now

967
00:51:36,480 --> 00:51:38,560
Speaker 1: that I've put myself in a hole, because this was

968
00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:40,600
Speaker 1: probably June and I was about to have my last

969
00:51:40,680 --> 00:51:43,600
Speaker 1: human treatment, and it was almost like again I was

970
00:51:43,640 --> 00:51:46,120
Speaker 1: secure in my identity enough to like not go in

971
00:51:46,160 --> 00:51:50,560
Speaker 1: the bathroom and cry, even though like it did feel hurtful,

972
00:51:50,680 --> 00:51:52,880
Speaker 1: but I was like, I'm going literally, I'm going through

973
00:51:52,960 --> 00:51:57,680
Speaker 1: cancer treatment. And they were like the rest of the night,

974
00:51:57,719 --> 00:51:59,120
Speaker 1: they're like, are you okay, Like do you need to

975
00:51:59,160 --> 00:52:03,040
Speaker 1: talk about anything? I'm I'm really okay. I think I'm

976
00:52:03,040 --> 00:52:07,600
Speaker 1: obviously like sad that he said that, but I think

977
00:52:07,600 --> 00:52:10,759
Speaker 1: as you're going throughout, I love this is just off

978
00:52:10,760 --> 00:52:14,520
Speaker 1: your You're saying about assumption and how when you're talking

979
00:52:14,560 --> 00:52:17,359
Speaker 1: to someone who's suffering or going through something. A lot

980
00:52:17,400 --> 00:52:22,240
Speaker 1: of times we try, you try to share a story

981
00:52:22,360 --> 00:52:25,840
Speaker 1: to like help from your own journey to help them connect,

982
00:52:26,480 --> 00:52:29,080
Speaker 1: and like that's not helpful. A lot of times people

983
00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:31,880
Speaker 1: the kindness of their heart, they'd be like, oh my gosh,

984
00:52:31,960 --> 00:52:34,040
Speaker 1: I know someone who had the same cancer as you,

985
00:52:34,200 --> 00:52:37,680
Speaker 1: and they're doing so well now, and it's like I'm

986
00:52:37,680 --> 00:52:40,560
Speaker 1: bald and laying in bed. I don't know what my

987
00:52:40,560 --> 00:52:42,239
Speaker 1: story is gonna don't know what my story is gonna be.

988
00:52:42,320 --> 00:52:44,760
Speaker 1: And so I think I loved how you just saying,

989
00:52:44,840 --> 00:52:47,240
Speaker 1: like going back to what your comment was about assuming

990
00:52:47,239 --> 00:52:50,560
Speaker 1: things about people and like wanting to connect with others,

991
00:52:50,600 --> 00:52:52,120
Speaker 1: like he was trying to connect with me once he

992
00:52:52,200 --> 00:52:57,680
Speaker 1: said something that he probably shouldn't have. But rather than

993
00:52:57,719 --> 00:53:00,560
Speaker 1: what would you want him to say after that, like

994
00:53:00,600 --> 00:53:02,719
Speaker 1: what would have been better than like, oh, let me

995
00:53:02,719 --> 00:53:06,640
Speaker 1: tell you about my personal journey. Yeah, I think you

996
00:53:06,680 --> 00:53:10,080
Speaker 1: can always or he could have said like that's amazing,

997
00:53:10,360 --> 00:53:13,760
Speaker 1: you're kicking ass, you know, or something like that, because

998
00:53:14,239 --> 00:53:16,759
Speaker 1: I think when people try to compare in contrast stories,

999
00:53:17,120 --> 00:53:21,120
Speaker 1: you feel very you feel invisible because what did you

1000
00:53:21,120 --> 00:53:23,960
Speaker 1: not hear me? I just said that going through cancer treatment.

1001
00:53:24,120 --> 00:53:27,040
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, and then he like it became about him,

1002
00:53:27,120 --> 00:53:29,200
Speaker 1: and that's not a bad thing, because like we're humans

1003
00:53:29,239 --> 00:53:30,840
Speaker 1: and we wanted to be about us a lot of times.

1004
00:53:31,280 --> 00:53:34,960
Speaker 1: But I felt so they were invisible, and I'm like, okay,

1005
00:53:34,960 --> 00:53:37,760
Speaker 1: like I just told you this hard thing. And obviously

1006
00:53:37,800 --> 00:53:39,880
Speaker 1: he was over compensating for I think what he said,

1007
00:53:39,920 --> 00:53:42,120
Speaker 1: but just like those little things or people would be

1008
00:53:42,160 --> 00:53:45,640
Speaker 1: like he make cancer look easy, and that's again a

1009
00:53:45,719 --> 00:53:49,440
Speaker 1: social media thing, right, So I was putting pictures of

1010
00:53:49,480 --> 00:53:51,600
Speaker 1: me with like chemo being infused in my body and

1011
00:53:51,600 --> 00:53:56,239
Speaker 1: like a thumbs up and smiling, and no one knew that,

1012
00:53:56,320 --> 00:53:59,080
Speaker 1: like people were holding me up trying to take that picture,

1013
00:53:59,200 --> 00:54:01,200
Speaker 1: and no one knew that like I was standing up

1014
00:54:02,520 --> 00:54:05,000
Speaker 1: and laying right back down in the bed, or that

1015
00:54:05,160 --> 00:54:07,600
Speaker 1: like I would get home from chemo in slate for

1016
00:54:07,640 --> 00:54:10,879
Speaker 1: twelve hours. Like you see things about people's stories, right

1017
00:54:10,920 --> 00:54:12,759
Speaker 1: that you probably saw when you first got to him,

1018
00:54:12,760 --> 00:54:15,080
Speaker 1: and you're like, oh, like wait, she had cancer. You

1019
00:54:15,160 --> 00:54:18,920
Speaker 1: perceive something of like oh wow, like this is her journey,

1020
00:54:19,000 --> 00:54:23,359
Speaker 1: but like just those intricate details of like when I'm

1021
00:54:23,360 --> 00:54:26,400
Speaker 1: sharing right now, it's like it's so different, right, And

1022
00:54:26,440 --> 00:54:30,200
Speaker 1: so um. And that speaks to like anybody's story about

1023
00:54:30,200 --> 00:54:32,120
Speaker 1: her what it is. I thought you were just a

1024
00:54:32,160 --> 00:54:34,520
Speaker 1: girl that walked in with short hair. I didn't know

1025
00:54:34,680 --> 00:54:39,080
Speaker 1: that seven months that had gone on before. And so

1026
00:54:39,160 --> 00:54:41,600
Speaker 1: that is just a piece of information of like you

1027
00:54:41,680 --> 00:54:44,239
Speaker 1: never know and so just be like really give you

1028
00:54:44,280 --> 00:54:46,400
Speaker 1: everybody the benefit of the doubt until they prove you

1029
00:54:46,440 --> 00:54:50,920
Speaker 1: otherwise you were known as somebody, like there are people

1030
00:54:50,960 --> 00:54:52,520
Speaker 1: that because you can see who's in the class, there

1031
00:54:52,520 --> 00:54:54,080
Speaker 1: are people that you've seen in the classroom, like I'm

1032
00:54:54,120 --> 00:54:57,120
Speaker 1: so glad she's going to be there. I swear to god,

1033
00:54:57,680 --> 00:55:00,360
Speaker 1: I would walk in and like Emily Riley's coming, Like

1034
00:55:00,400 --> 00:55:03,919
Speaker 1: I'm not kidding. And so it wasn't about your blonde hair,

1035
00:55:05,200 --> 00:55:07,040
Speaker 1: Like I don't think you had a blonde hair. I

1036
00:55:07,040 --> 00:55:09,680
Speaker 1: thought it was brown. No, it was it came out dark, okay,

1037
00:55:09,719 --> 00:55:14,520
Speaker 1: And this is this is definitely like color because there

1038
00:55:14,600 --> 00:55:18,759
Speaker 1: was nothing in me that cared about that. And I

1039
00:55:18,760 --> 00:55:21,200
Speaker 1: don't think anybody else in that place either. And that

1040
00:55:21,239 --> 00:55:23,279
Speaker 1: place I think was a very special it is I

1041
00:55:23,320 --> 00:55:25,640
Speaker 1: just don't work it anywhere. It's a very special place.

1042
00:55:26,440 --> 00:55:29,200
Speaker 1: But like I didn't see any of the stuff that

1043
00:55:29,239 --> 00:55:31,000
Speaker 1: you thought to find you and made you like a

1044
00:55:31,040 --> 00:55:34,839
Speaker 1: worthy person. I think that should speak volumes, and I

1045
00:55:34,880 --> 00:55:37,040
Speaker 1: want us to be able to take that as truth.

1046
00:55:37,239 --> 00:55:39,560
Speaker 1: I think you have a cool story and for you

1047
00:55:39,600 --> 00:55:41,880
Speaker 1: to be able to share. Of course, we still struggle

1048
00:55:41,880 --> 00:55:44,640
Speaker 1: with stuff like it's hard. It's also hard to be

1049
00:55:44,840 --> 00:55:48,440
Speaker 1: single and you're late twenties, early thirties, Like that's hard. Yeah,

1050
00:55:48,480 --> 00:55:50,200
Speaker 1: And so we're saying all this stuff and it's like

1051
00:55:50,239 --> 00:55:53,239
Speaker 1: not that, Like no, I have not figured it out,

1052
00:55:53,239 --> 00:55:54,719
Speaker 1: like I told you when I walked in, Like I

1053
00:55:54,760 --> 00:55:56,799
Speaker 1: need to get a therapy, like I'm gonna be going

1054
00:55:56,800 --> 00:55:58,919
Speaker 1: probably at the end of this week. And I still

1055
00:55:58,960 --> 00:56:01,400
Speaker 1: have stuff like a heart from cancer, like I'm human.

1056
00:56:01,640 --> 00:56:04,160
Speaker 1: I still have bad days. I still have really hard days.

1057
00:56:04,600 --> 00:56:07,080
Speaker 1: I love it well, thank you so much. So I

1058
00:56:07,120 --> 00:56:09,960
Speaker 1: feel like I was only over the plane that was wonderful.

1059
00:56:10,360 --> 00:56:13,160
Speaker 1: I mean I could sit here and talk. I could questions.

1060
00:56:13,239 --> 00:56:16,759
Speaker 1: I feel like to say everything like goal wise for

1061
00:56:17,040 --> 00:56:20,000
Speaker 1: I don't. I just I'm like, let's just see what's

1062
00:56:20,000 --> 00:56:26,239
Speaker 1: gonna happen. Such a good conversation. Again, I am so

1063
00:56:26,280 --> 00:56:29,400
Speaker 1: grateful to Emily agreed to come on and share her

1064
00:56:29,400 --> 00:56:31,360
Speaker 1: story with us. I think this is one of the

1065
00:56:31,400 --> 00:56:33,560
Speaker 1: first times she shared it, from like start to finish

1066
00:56:33,600 --> 00:56:37,120
Speaker 1: with all that she did, and so I appreciate her

1067
00:56:37,200 --> 00:56:40,399
Speaker 1: rawness and the realness that came out. I think we've

1068
00:56:40,600 --> 00:56:43,799
Speaker 1: got it in there. But she's cancer free and she's healthy,

1069
00:56:44,080 --> 00:56:47,440
Speaker 1: and we're grateful for that because I think that her

1070
00:56:47,480 --> 00:56:49,600
Speaker 1: story is going to resonate with a lot of people.

1071
00:56:50,360 --> 00:56:53,279
Speaker 1: So thank you, Emily. Before we go, I want to

1072
00:56:53,320 --> 00:56:58,200
Speaker 1: remind you guys to follow at You Need Therapy podcast

1073
00:56:58,360 --> 00:57:00,680
Speaker 1: and at cat dot do thought at k A t

1074
00:57:00,920 --> 00:57:03,200
Speaker 1: is how I spelled cat um and they remember to

1075
00:57:03,239 --> 00:57:06,360
Speaker 1: go to the store. So we released um. I'll go

1076
00:57:06,440 --> 00:57:09,320
Speaker 1: to the website. We released all new merch on the store,

1077
00:57:09,320 --> 00:57:11,959
Speaker 1: which you guys can go and purchase. It was pre ordered,

1078
00:57:11,960 --> 00:57:14,680
Speaker 1: but now it's just regular ordered. So if you ordered

1079
00:57:14,680 --> 00:57:17,240
Speaker 1: anything and you're like, where is my stuff? You pre

1080
00:57:17,360 --> 00:57:19,720
Speaker 1: ordered stuff. So now we're going to send those orders

1081
00:57:19,720 --> 00:57:23,680
Speaker 1: out in the next week, so expect those kind of soon. Anyway,

1082
00:57:23,840 --> 00:57:29,560
Speaker 1: I'm again tired because I'm recording this. It's almost eleven PM,

1083
00:57:29,680 --> 00:57:31,680
Speaker 1: and if you know me, I'm a grandmother, so I

1084
00:57:31,680 --> 00:57:34,040
Speaker 1: need to go to sleep. But I hope you guys

1085
00:57:34,040 --> 00:57:36,280
Speaker 1: have a wonderful week, and I hope you enjoyed the episode,

1086
00:57:36,480 --> 00:57:39,520
Speaker 1: and I will talk to you in two weeks.