WEBVTT - Lessons From Gizmo

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<v Speaker 1>And we continue with our American stories, and up next

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<v Speaker 1>a story from one of our listeners and now regular contributors,

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<v Speaker 1>Paul Bauer from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Today, Paul brings us a

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<v Speaker 1>story he's titled Lessons from Gizmo.

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<v Speaker 2>When I became an empty nester in my home became

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<v Speaker 2>quiet and lonely, I decided it might be time to

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<v Speaker 2>get a pet. I knew nothing about dogs, but there

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<v Speaker 2>must be a reason why they're called man's best friend.

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<v Speaker 2>So I went for it. Without a clue on how

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<v Speaker 2>to go about picking the right precious canine, and very

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<v Speaker 2>few brains in my head, I went with my ear,

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<v Speaker 2>and I chose the sweetest sounding breed I could find.

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<v Speaker 2>I purchased a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel with a royal

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<v Speaker 2>name like that, How could I lose? This regal song

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<v Speaker 2>dog was going to be my ticket out of middle class,

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<v Speaker 2>and like the young Prince William of England, I would

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<v Speaker 2>have sent straight into royalty. I'm not so sure that

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<v Speaker 2>was a good plan. Looking back, I'm now five years

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<v Speaker 2>into this Canaan experiment, and though I have a breed

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<v Speaker 2>that starts with word King Charles and ends with word Cavalier,

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<v Speaker 2>I have yet to meet Queen Elizabeth, or even sit

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<v Speaker 2>next to Bob Yager at a baseball game for that matter.

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<v Speaker 2>Good sat sir, run a wrong shape, buddy, Come one? Oh,

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<v Speaker 2>I must be in the front row. Come on. But

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<v Speaker 2>Gizmo the princely dog has managed to teach me a

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<v Speaker 2>few things. I've compiled a list of the top ten

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<v Speaker 2>things I've learned from this furry creature. Number one is humility.

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<v Speaker 2>There's very little pride in owning a dog, especially when

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<v Speaker 2>you have to do sanitation duty. Do you like holding

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<v Speaker 2>those bags swinging them by your knees while on the hike? Furthermore,

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<v Speaker 2>while walking your dog? What's the proper way to introduce

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<v Speaker 2>yourself to a passing stranger or a friendly neighbor when

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<v Speaker 2>you have a baggy in one hand and at least

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<v Speaker 2>in the other, try saying pardon the poop without being humble.

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<v Speaker 2>It's very sad. Number two, you have to learn who

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<v Speaker 2>is boss? Are you short on long suffering? Then get

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<v Speaker 2>a dog like me, and that canaine character builder will

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<v Speaker 2>teach you whose boss in no time. Take, for example,

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<v Speaker 2>the game of fetch. I thought all dogs played that

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<v Speaker 2>thrown retrieve interactive practice. So when I first bought my dog.

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<v Speaker 2>I looked forward to spending hours and hours of quality

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<v Speaker 2>time with me throwing balls and my happy pooch bringing

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<v Speaker 2>them back over and over, back and forth. All for not.

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<v Speaker 2>My dog has no interest in that kind of bonding nonsense.

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<v Speaker 2>When I throw the ball, she pouts and breeze and

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<v Speaker 2>looks me in the eye, glancing up at my arching

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<v Speaker 2>eyebrows as if to say, too much work, sir, Sorry,

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<v Speaker 2>I can't help. Maybe that is where the King Charles

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<v Speaker 2>Park comes in. My dog Gizmo. She'd rather be waited on,

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<v Speaker 2>then returning fetches thrown by me, her master. My failure

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<v Speaker 2>at teaching her these basic animal instincts is not for

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<v Speaker 2>lack of trying. I've tried just about every kind of

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<v Speaker 2>object possible. A stick, a rope, tennis ball, golf ball, racquetball,

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<v Speaker 2>fuzzy balls and super balls. It doesn't matter. All of

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<v Speaker 2>them are losers. I throw them out as far or

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<v Speaker 2>short as possible, and with hope I say fetch. But

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<v Speaker 2>the reaction is the same, a stair down, not even

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<v Speaker 2>a twitch of a muscle or hint that maybe she

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<v Speaker 2>should go chase that ball. I end up retrieving it myself,

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<v Speaker 2>and I can plainly see a smirk on Gizmo's face

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<v Speaker 2>as she observes this routine. I even tried, but I

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<v Speaker 2>thought was pure genius. Cutting a hole in a tennis

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<v Speaker 2>ball and filling with treats. That one actually brought minor success.

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<v Speaker 2>We got half way there. She did chase it down,

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<v Speaker 2>but there was no way she was bringing that ball

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<v Speaker 2>back to me. It was a closed deal. Negotiations were off.

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<v Speaker 2>She ate the treat on the spot, and of course

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<v Speaker 2>left the ball there for me to fetch. My patience

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<v Speaker 2>is really being tested, But after five years of trying,

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<v Speaker 2>I have not given up number three. My diet is

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<v Speaker 2>not so bad after all. First, let me try saying

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<v Speaker 2>something with a straight face. I do not have an

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<v Speaker 2>eating disorder. There, I said it. Only problem is it's

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<v Speaker 2>all a lie. Now, in my late fifties, I've matured

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<v Speaker 2>and gotten real about life, and I've learned that carrying

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<v Speaker 2>a few extra inches around my waist is time. I

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<v Speaker 2>get used to the idea. I'm never going to be

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<v Speaker 2>aultra slim again. And i do have an eating problem,

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<v Speaker 2>I admit it, but at least I'm not as bad

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<v Speaker 2>as Gizmo. That dog will eat anything that resembles food,

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<v Speaker 2>even some things that don't grass, dirt, roadkill. It doesn't matter.

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<v Speaker 2>It's all food to her as for human food. No

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<v Speaker 2>matter how sneaky I am, she knows when I have food,

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<v Speaker 2>I am impressed. I will hand it over and she

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<v Speaker 2>will gobble it down in seconds flat, with no manners

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<v Speaker 2>to boot. So I've come to realize I have problems

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<v Speaker 2>with eating, but I'm a model of self discipline compared

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<v Speaker 2>to that dog. Number four, You're never really alone. You

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<v Speaker 2>don't need sunshine to cast a shadow. I've learned. This

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<v Speaker 2>dog will not lead me out of her sight. Even

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<v Speaker 2>the bathroom is not safe. If not for the door,

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<v Speaker 2>she would be right there wondering why I'm in there,

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<v Speaker 2>sitting on that thing with my pants down to my ankles.

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<v Speaker 2>As it is, she's relegated to scratching at the door

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<v Speaker 2>telling me to go hurry up and finish my business.

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<v Speaker 2>Number five, I'm not that smart. If there's anything I've

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<v Speaker 2>become convinced of since buying Gizmo, it's this I'm being

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<v Speaker 2>outsmarted by a dog. She is my superior. The dog

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<v Speaker 2>is the one in charge, not me, So I better

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<v Speaker 2>get used to that fact. We walk when she wants

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<v Speaker 2>to walk. We go where she wants to go. If

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<v Speaker 2>I feel like stepping it up and making it into

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<v Speaker 2>a jog. It's no guarantee she of a jog with me,

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<v Speaker 2>Gizmo jog when she feels like it, which is almost never,

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<v Speaker 2>So I might as well follow my leader and obey

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<v Speaker 2>her instincts. Kind of like the old Hannibabearer cartoon character

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<v Speaker 2>Quick Drama Gras, Gizmo says, in essence, I'll do the

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<v Speaker 2>thinning around here, Bubba boy. She even orders food for

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<v Speaker 2>us both when I'm out cooking on the grill. I

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<v Speaker 2>know why she wags her tail and watches me intently.

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<v Speaker 2>She is not happy to see me. She's only making

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<v Speaker 2>sure I cook the steak just right. Me d him rare,

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<v Speaker 2>I have learned she has me feeling too guilty to

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<v Speaker 2>give her a piece with some fat and grizzle on it.

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<v Speaker 2>She make it sick, I think to myself. So of

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<v Speaker 2>course she gets the center cut, leaving me to eat

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<v Speaker 2>the part that's not fit for a dog. Number six,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm a lousy barber. My dog has also taught me

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<v Speaker 2>something about personal care. I'm not her personal hair stylist.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm too cheap to pay for a groomer. I don't

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<v Speaker 2>even pay to have someone give my own haircut. I'm

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<v Speaker 2>not about to pay someone to do my dog. So

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<v Speaker 2>Gizmo's at the mercy of my scissors. If she's not

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<v Speaker 2>going to play fetch, I'm not going to go to

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<v Speaker 2>beauty school. Her precious fur coat looks as though it

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<v Speaker 2>had a run in with a weed whacker and lost.

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<v Speaker 2>Luckily for her, I was told you can't shave a

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<v Speaker 2>King Charles Cavalier Spaniel. It just doesn't work. But if

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<v Speaker 2>it did, the regal Gizmo would have a look just

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<v Speaker 2>like my person. That's my favorite with Michael Jordan Kirby

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<v Speaker 2>Pucket chrom doome a dog Doo made to look just

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<v Speaker 2>like me. But as it is, she's the only dog

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<v Speaker 2>in the neighborhood with a mullet number seven. If you snooze,

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<v Speaker 2>you don't always lose. I'm not lazy, not when compared

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<v Speaker 2>to Gizmo. At least I no longer have to feel

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<v Speaker 2>guilty taking a ten minute nap in the afternoon. When

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<v Speaker 2>this dog is not eating, following me around, or refusing

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<v Speaker 2>to play fetch, or complaining about her mullet, she's sleeping period.

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<v Speaker 2>She believed in the power nap strategy for success like Einstein,

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<v Speaker 2>so I follow her example Number eight. You don't have

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<v Speaker 2>to fuss about housework. Our house used to be spotless

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<v Speaker 2>before Gizmo, we were the model of good housekeeping. But

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<v Speaker 2>all thoughts about our house being perfect, or even any

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<v Speaker 2>guilt about leaving the living room just a little bit messy,

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<v Speaker 2>that is completely vanished. Gizmo gave us perspective from the

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<v Speaker 2>beginning of this experiment. The shedding beast has turned our

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<v Speaker 2>house into one continuous fuzzball, not a house of impeccable perfection.

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<v Speaker 2>We have worn out three vacuum cleaners and still can

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<v Speaker 2>I keep the place fuzz free. I think, mister Hoover,

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<v Speaker 2>and rent to the notion that every home needs a pet.

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<v Speaker 2>Number nine, It's better to stick to a routine. I

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<v Speaker 2>used to love change variety. That's a spice of life, right,

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<v Speaker 2>But now, in my middle aged years, living with my

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<v Speaker 2>King Charles Cavalier Spaniel, I've changed my mind. You mess

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<v Speaker 2>with your routine and you pay for it the following day.

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<v Speaker 2>Gizmo reinforces that notion. Don't even think about sitting down

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<v Speaker 2>to unwind after a hard day at the office. The

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<v Speaker 2>dog must be walked first. Try putting your feet up

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<v Speaker 2>for a few minutes and she will stare you down

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<v Speaker 2>with a look that could kill a squirrel. This is

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<v Speaker 2>Gizmo's time, and you better get up off your booty

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<v Speaker 2>and take her out for a walk so that she

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<v Speaker 2>can come home afterwards and sleep. Number ten doctors are

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<v Speaker 2>overrated for anyone considering the medical profession. You might want

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<v Speaker 2>to forget about brain surgery or heart transplants and go

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<v Speaker 2>right to the more lucrative position of veterinarian. I've never

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<v Speaker 2>paid for one of those other surgeries, but I can't

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<v Speaker 2>imagine they're more expensive than Gizmo's. Really, checkup the vet

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<v Speaker 2>and corresponding medications. Gizmo has me trained animal science and

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<v Speaker 2>canaane medicine. That's where it's at. There's a gold mine there.

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<v Speaker 2>With all this wisdom I've acquired from dog ownership and

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<v Speaker 2>all these lessons learned from life with Gizmo and an

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<v Speaker 2>empty nest, I have to wonder how did I learn

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<v Speaker 2>anything life without a dog. That pooch has changed my

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<v Speaker 2>life too much, way too much. She has taken over.

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<v Speaker 2>I have become my dog's intern stylist, psychiatrist, personal attendant,

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<v Speaker 2>provider and student. Maybe I shouldn't be such a pushover,

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<v Speaker 2>and I should consider teaching this old dog a few

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<v Speaker 2>new tricks. But I'm too prone to roll over at

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<v Speaker 2>this stage of my life. That's just the way it goes.

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<v Speaker 2>She's the dog, I am the tale. It is after all,

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<v Speaker 2>dog's life, isn't it?

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<v Speaker 1>And great work is always by Greg hanglerround this piece

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<v Speaker 1>and a special thanks to Paul Bauer from Minneapolis, Minnesota.

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<v Speaker 1>He's a devoted listener and also a great contributor. By

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<v Speaker 1>the way, I have pugs, and anyone who has pugs

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<v Speaker 1>understands and empathizes with my friend Paul. My goodness, King

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<v Speaker 1>Charles Cavalier, Spaniels and pugs have a lot in common.

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<v Speaker 1>They run the show period the story of Gizmo and

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<v Speaker 1>lessons from Gizmo. Here on our American Story