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Speaker 1: Hello the Internet, and welcome to yet another episode of University.

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Speaker 1: Well this isn't even an episode, this is it's an event.

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Speaker 1: This is an event, an annual tradition now since the

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Speaker 1: beginning of this whole podcasting universe, where the great Jamie

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Speaker 1: Loftus loft Dust, I'm sorry Dust blesses us with her

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Speaker 1: magnum opus. That is an ever evolving script. I will

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Speaker 1: let her intro the script a little bit more. But

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Speaker 1: at the very least, we want to give everybody a

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Speaker 1: Christmas gift because this is it's Christmas Day today, It's St.

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Speaker 1: Chrispin's Day. It is that's right, Christmas. St Christmins Day?

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Speaker 1: Was that ever said in something just striping? Uh? Yeah, Mary, Christmas.

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Speaker 1: We're in a room full of all our most talented friends.

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Speaker 1: There's like dozens of people here ready to a dozen

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Speaker 1: people perform for you, all right, sorry man, uh Jamie, Yeah, Hi, Hi, okay.

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Speaker 1: So thank you guys so much. It's always a Christmas

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Speaker 1: miracle that you get the script done in time. That

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Speaker 1: I got the Yeah, I got it done. I think

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Speaker 1: I had a lead of seven minutes this year, which

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Speaker 1: is good for new listeners. If you're you know, Rookie

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Speaker 1: night Gang, Can you please explaining to people what what

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Speaker 1: this is? What is what is Santa University, what it means,

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Speaker 1: what's different, what's new? Yes? Okay, So this is the

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Speaker 1: third year that we're doing Santa University, which is absurd.

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Speaker 1: Uh So. Santa University is a project that's been very

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Speaker 1: close to my heart. I've been working on it since

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Speaker 1: two thousand and twelve. The concept is simple. You know,

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Speaker 1: we got more Christmas content than ever. This is a

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Speaker 1: concept that well, we introduced it in song at the

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Speaker 1: beginning of this one. Prisus a recap, But it's a

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Speaker 1: five and a half hour long movie, uh, that I

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Speaker 1: I wrote and I'm continuing to write in pieces. It's

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Speaker 1: in evolving. It's kind of what was the Kanye album

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Speaker 1: that he kept changing it and then Jesus's King and

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Speaker 1: then yeah, I love Donald Trump. It's that I love

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Speaker 1: Donald Trump? Is that? Uh so this year? Uh there's

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Speaker 1: yet another chunk that's unsurfaced. Some mud argue it's too long.

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Speaker 1: We'll see. But it's about Dan Santa played by Miles Gray. Uh.

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Speaker 1: Dan Santa looks like ship and can't read and that's

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Speaker 1: the and that's the character. And it's one of the

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Speaker 1: richest characters in the cannon. And yeah, and luckily that completely.

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Speaker 1: I also look like ship and cannot read. So I

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Speaker 1: apologize now when I say lines that aren't written in

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Speaker 1: your script completely this year. Uh. And it's also so

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Speaker 1: Santa University is a university where forty Santas get in

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Speaker 1: every year, only one graduates. The rest are brutally murdered.

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Speaker 1: Right is also a musical. Uh, So we've heard different

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Speaker 1: chunks of Santa University. We heard the beginning in the end.

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Speaker 1: We heard something somewhere in the middle last year. And

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Speaker 1: this happens specifically in somewhere in hour three. So it's

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Speaker 1: kind of in like deep in, but you can't quite

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Speaker 1: see the light out yet. There's the conclusion is very

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Speaker 1: far away. So there's a lot the new characters, but

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Speaker 1: also the Santy you characters you know and love. So

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Speaker 1: I think we should just get started. Let's do it

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Speaker 1: all right, all right, So I don't I guess we

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Speaker 1: shouldn't go around. I guess we'll introduce ourselves at the show. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: there's so many people. So when when we say your name,

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Speaker 1: please come up and introduce yourself and your part and

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Speaker 1: your character and your character. So Uh. My, my name

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Speaker 1: is Jamie Loftus. I'm the author of Santa University. Thank

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Speaker 1: you so much. Um. And you know it's going to

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Speaker 1: be produced any year now. Uh. And I'm gonna be

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Speaker 1: reading the stage directions this year. Hull. Let's let's go

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Speaker 1: this way. I'm Isaac Taylor and i will be playing

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Speaker 1: too Many DVDs Santa. I'm Nick Soarelli. I will be

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Speaker 1: playing Scientists Santa. I'm Jack O'Brien. I'll be playing Dean

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Speaker 1: and Bean Santa. I'm Miles Gray and I will be

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Speaker 1: playing Dance Santa. I'm Caitlin Darante and i will be

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Speaker 1: Goth Santa. Hi. I'm Lazy Mosley and I'll be playing

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Speaker 1: Detective Santa. Hi. I'm Anna host Ya and I will

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Speaker 1: be playing gal Santa. I'm Maga made Fish and I'll

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Speaker 1: be playing Wistful Santa. I'm Katie Golden and I'll be

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Speaker 1: playing Exposition Santa. I'm Sharne Lannie Units and I'll be

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Speaker 1: playing Intellect Santa. I'm Brad Evans and I'll be playing

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Speaker 1: Boring Santa. I'm Dan and I'll be playing the Doomed Elf.

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Speaker 1: I'm Cody Johnston. I'll be playing metaphorical conjoined twins Santa

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Speaker 1: one and Knife Santa. I'm Katie Stole and I will

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Speaker 1: be playing metaphorical conjoined Santa too. SOPHI like Trid and

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Speaker 1: I'll be playing romance Santa. I'm Chris Crofton and I'm

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Speaker 1: playing glory Hole Santa. That came on the exact right

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Speaker 1: order and actually perfect. Okay, so uh it's a bit

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Speaker 1: of a who done it this year? Exterior Santa University

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Speaker 1: sometime between three and PM, I will know the difference

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Speaker 1: as someone tries to cut corners here. We are just

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Speaker 1: cresting the third act of Santa University. What's going on? Well,

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Speaker 1: I can tell you one thing. Dan Santa does not

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Speaker 1: have an Australian accent this year because people didn't like it.

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Speaker 1: A few, a few thumb Santa's laid dead in the

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Speaker 1: courtyard while a priest Santa reads their last rites to them.

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Speaker 1: The killing has started to get so that Santa's are

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Speaker 1: dying a little faster than the elves. And no, we

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Speaker 1: will not be dealing with their b plot this year.

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Speaker 1: Either can bury them in the Santa Killing Fields. A

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Speaker 1: heavy winter fog hangs over the campus. Never heard of

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Speaker 1: a winter fog leave me alone. Wistful Santa wanders on

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Speaker 1: screen looking devastated at hell. She was introduced sometime in

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Speaker 1: the second hour of Santa University, but that footage has

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Speaker 1: gone missing, so it's impossible to know a lot of

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Speaker 1: what she's talking about. And this is a song called

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Speaker 1: that what happened in Santa University in two seventeen and

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Speaker 1: two thousand and eighteen. Uh and taking away Whistful Santa.

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Speaker 1: If anyone wants to add some some background, you know. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: Dan Santo looked like shit and he couldn't read about

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Speaker 1: it with the screenplay for Santa University, asked that regroup

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Speaker 1: for him as a protagonist, and he got into school

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Speaker 1: was Santas goth gallant cool, but the title university. After

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Speaker 1: being refused very low level managerial position at LIDS, Dean

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Speaker 1: Santa said no, no, thank you, Lacy, as you ain't

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Speaker 1: about snow. It's a brutal school where only one out

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Speaker 1: of four thousand Santas live each year and the rest

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Speaker 1: are brought to the Santa killing field. Then he gave

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Speaker 1: a brochure and Dan Santa said, Sir, save the brochure

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Speaker 1: for someone else. I still can't read, Okay, So let's all,

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Speaker 1: let's all seeing this part together. Uh one, Santa skills

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Speaker 1: its wellstor girls, santos Ko. Wait, now that's you. I'm

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Speaker 1: so sorry. I'm okay, please, m girl. Santa's fighting for

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Speaker 1: meaningful inclusion in the script as its primary female character.

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Speaker 1: She stands a better chance than her friend and looks

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Speaker 1: Santa because you come from wealth, and but if it's

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Speaker 1: from nepotism, Oh, Santa University, that's basically all you need

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Speaker 1: to know. Somehow. There's a second verse, exposition Santa walks

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Speaker 1: on screen and gives whistpul Santa a meaningful hug. I

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Speaker 1: guess I know each other. Maybe they'll explain. They look

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Speaker 1: to camera so it looks like they're going to sing.

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Speaker 1: The second verse is exposition Santa a good singer, indels

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Speaker 1: you whisper Santa, I beloved be character that we meet

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Speaker 1: in the second hour of the film. Exposition Santa is

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Speaker 1: not a great singer and whispule. Santa knows this, but

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Speaker 1: she's a good friend and she doesn't point it out.

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Speaker 1: Then Santa's parents are arrested, and we briefly deferred to

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Speaker 1: the Elves, who have always been intended to be included

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Speaker 1: in Santa University, but never are because the author is

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Speaker 1: rarely able to get more than two out a a

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Speaker 1: lot of time, and it feels like opening up a

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Speaker 1: whole being. But we see now my prize and we

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Speaker 1: meet a bow constructor. Also, I should have clarified that

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Speaker 1: Dance Santa's parents went to prison after one of the

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Speaker 1: clowns they met Aunt and the overdosed in their house,

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Speaker 1: which qualified as man slaughter in this case. Exposition Santa

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Speaker 1: turns that happened in lesson Exposition Santa turned back to

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Speaker 1: Whistul Santa and waves for the backing music to turn off,

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Speaker 1: which it does. A production assistant can be heard off

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Speaker 1: screen saying, what the fuck, I'm sorry, I'm not feeling

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Speaker 1: good about the singing part. Yeah, yeah, you can just

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Speaker 1: say it. Actually, if you want, Exposition Santa's embarrassing should

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Speaker 1: be what an awful singing voice? Why volunteered to do it?

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Speaker 1: If they were going to sing like that? They look

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Speaker 1: back to the camera and rushed through the rest of

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Speaker 1: the recap. Right, So um, Wistful Santa befriends Dance Santa,

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Speaker 1: which you think would be have bearing on the plot.

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Speaker 1: Then it turns out it really doesn't This author has

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Speaker 1: a tendency to have female characters appear because they feel

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Speaker 1: like they're supposed to, but doesn't ACTU really know what

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Speaker 1: to do with them. And shing knife Santa appears with

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Speaker 1: a large knife and slits both of their throats. And

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Speaker 1: that's good because that was getting boring. Exterior jingle manner

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Speaker 1: night title card a Santa University mystery, a big decrepit

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Speaker 1: jingle manner. Whatever you're picturing, it's that sweet Dan Santa,

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Speaker 1: Gal Santa, God Santa, and Intellect Santa walk up to

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Speaker 1: the door. Dan Santa eating a crawler. Dan Santa is

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Speaker 1: not sure about this. I'm not sure about this. Relax,

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Speaker 1: Dan Santa, my father, Dean Santa, the Dean of Santa University.

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Speaker 1: Thank you, Go Santa. Thanks, I'm go Santa. Where did

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Speaker 1: you get that crowler? Founded on the ground. He throws

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Speaker 1: his dinner every year at the Jingle Mansion to mark

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Speaker 1: the halfway point in the school year twenty death Santa's

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Speaker 1: it really makes you think about how a little time

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Speaker 1: we have about Okay, Dan Santa has finished the crawler

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Speaker 1: and doesn't seem to notice he's true on his own hand.

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Speaker 1: Gal Santa rings the doorbell, and it rings the doorbell

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Speaker 1: tune Jingle mansion, Jingle, Mansion. It's the mansion. Jingle manchtion.

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Speaker 1: Bean Santa answers the door to the untrained eye. He

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Speaker 1: looks just like Dean Santa, but he isn't. He's being Santa.

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Speaker 1: Gal Santa looks a little suspicious, not sure, are you,

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Speaker 1: Bean Santa. Uncle Bean Gal throws her arms around him

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Speaker 1: with an enthusiasm she's never had for her father, who

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Speaker 1: she considers a coward, not dealt with or paid off

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Speaker 1: in the blood. I'm not Dean Santa. Dan Santa looks

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Speaker 1: at him, but he looks just like Dean Santa. That's

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Speaker 1: not Dean Santa. That's what the action line said, Come

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Speaker 1: on in, kids, they enter the mansion anyways, I am

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Speaker 1: being Santa as opposed to my twin brother, who is

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Speaker 1: Dean Santa. My father Uncle Bean even, I can't tell

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Speaker 1: the difference between you and my father who is. Oh,

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Speaker 1: we'll be able to tell you a part if Gal

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Speaker 1: Santa can't. That will become relevant to the plot starting now.

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Speaker 1: I'll go find Dean. Bean Santa wanders off, and the

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Speaker 1: four Santa's head into the main foyer. I didn't know

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Speaker 1: Dean Santa was a twin. It's a good twist for

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Speaker 1: the who done it portion of Santa University. In my opinion,

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Speaker 1: it seems much nicer than Dean Santa. That might not

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Speaker 1: have been Bean Santa at all. They switched places all

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Speaker 1: the time. Bean Santa is even worse than my dad.

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Speaker 1: I've seen him kill non Santas without a second thought.

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Speaker 1: I am in love with you. So you're saying, there's

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Speaker 1: two identical Santa's, one mean and one even meaner. He

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Speaker 1: looks to camera, but it doesn't have the impact he hopes,

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Speaker 1: because the audience understood it the first time they crossed

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Speaker 1: into the Jingle Mansion dining room. The Jingle Mansion is

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Speaker 1: a Victorian disaster. That's it. In oil paintings of Santa's

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Speaker 1: passed from the exact moment they were killed. One features

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Speaker 1: a buzz saw making immediate and painful contact with the

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Speaker 1: santa skull. One shows a head dangling from a neck

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Speaker 1: like a hangnail. A third is the Santa's head about

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Speaker 1: to explode from the pressure of being inside a tanning

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Speaker 1: booth whose temperature is set to a billion. There are

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Speaker 1: various overdressed Santa's milling about the room eating Christmas snacks

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Speaker 1: based on puns. There's science Santa, Detective Santa arms, whereas

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Speaker 1: eyes should be Santa. Who did I not cast that? Oh? Shit? Uh?

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Speaker 1: Who was who was that? There? You did it too

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Speaker 1: many DVDs? Santa two thousand two. Santa didn't cast that either, Katie?

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Speaker 1: Could you do? Yes? Uh? And boring Santa. No one

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Speaker 1: seems to know each other. Come on, everyone, our names

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Speaker 1: are on these cards. They go to they go to

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Speaker 1: their seats at the long dining room table, conscious of

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Speaker 1: each other because a crime is going to happen soon.

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Speaker 1: There is a roasted Santa head on the table with

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Speaker 1: the phrase a crime is going to happen soon spelled

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Speaker 1: out in cranberries. For years after Santa University is released,

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Speaker 1: fans will praise this choice as one of the many

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Speaker 1: subtle foreshadowings Blink and you'd miss it, But there's a

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00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:10,800
Speaker 1: pretty long and close shot on it too. Dan Santa

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Speaker 1: walks to his seat beside Gal Santa. I was hoping

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Speaker 1: to sit next to my uncle and not you, Dan Santa,

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Speaker 1: but you're the love interest of Santa University. I'm going

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Speaker 1: to get out of this place someday, and God Santa

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00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:26,280
Speaker 1: points to Dan Santa's name card, which we can't see. Wow,

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Speaker 1: Bean Santa was pretty hard on Dan Santa on the

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Speaker 1: name card. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but

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Speaker 1: I cannot read, so it's impossible to internalize the insult.

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Speaker 1: It says, ugly sit here, Oh that's nice. Not nice.

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Speaker 1: Dan Santa internalizes it. We cut back to the roast

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Speaker 1: with the cranberry spelling. A crime is going to happen soon.

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Speaker 1: Just in case you missed it, the first time, Bean

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Speaker 1: Santa and Dean Santa entered together in identical sweaters beaming

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Speaker 1: We're either being or Dean Santa. And now for tonight's entertainment,

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Speaker 1: they get ready to launch into a song and the

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Speaker 1: guests have a physical response too many DVD Santas throws

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Speaker 1: up into his Blu ray case for Whiplash. Science Santa

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Speaker 1: sticks his head inside of the roasted Santa head to

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Speaker 1: help blot out the noise. Gal Santa is crying as

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Speaker 1: this song conjures terrible memories from her childhood that Santa

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00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:19,160
Speaker 1: University doesn't have the time or interest to unpack. The

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Speaker 1: song is called they should have just called one of us,

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Speaker 1: means Santa and Jack, I didn't I didn't write words.

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Speaker 1: So if you could just take it away, do you

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Speaker 1: four minutes the best improviser in the room here to

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Speaker 1: improvise a four minute long song called They should have

249
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Speaker 1: just called one of us means Santa, but instead they

250
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Speaker 1: called us Dean and Bean Santa. Good so far, and

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Speaker 1: I could just repeat that for four minutes. You just

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Speaker 1: want to move on. Imagine it's it's foremous. You have,

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Speaker 1: everyone's fucking exhausted. The twins complete their song. Everyone's visibly

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Speaker 1: upset and annoyed. Either Dean or Bean shrugs. Well, back

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Speaker 1: to the glory Hole. He skips upstairs, and we hear

256
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:10,040
Speaker 1: glory Hole Santa in the distance. He loves his job

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Speaker 1: back so soon, goody. The other Bean, Dean Santa sits

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Speaker 1: at the table, a little out of breath, no applause,

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00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:25,040
Speaker 1: intellect Santa is not thrilled with this storyline. I have

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Speaker 1: to say, I'm getting pretty tired of all these white

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Speaker 1: guys insisting a playing twins. It's exhausting. Well, it's a

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Speaker 1: good thing you're not writing the movie Standing University, then,

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00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:36,920
Speaker 1: isn't it is that you? Uncle Bean? Does it matter

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00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:39,320
Speaker 1: either way? We are horny for each other in a

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Speaker 1: vague and complicated way. Yes, can you tell us why

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Speaker 1: we're here? Excellent question, Josephine, Let's introduce ourselves. Was that

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Speaker 1: glory hole Santa back there? I'm surprised he's still alive,

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Speaker 1: I said, introduce yourself. Scientist Santa trembles as Bean Dean

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Speaker 1: points a gun at him. Detective San that has a

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Speaker 1: notepad out and scribbles in it as the others argued.

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Speaker 1: Two thousand to Santa, rolls her eyes. You're full of shit,

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Speaker 1: either Bean or Dean. Santa, stay out of this. Two

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Speaker 1: thousand to Santa, Hi, I'm two thousand to Santa, I'm scientists.

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Speaker 1: Santa been studying whether thirty nine thousand nine Santas need

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Speaker 1: to die every year after all women have gone too

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Speaker 1: far to answer your question, scientists, Santa, that was glory Hole. Santa.

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Speaker 1: He came with the house. I'm sorry, but it's two

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Speaker 1: thousand two. Santa even allowed to be in here. He

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Speaker 1: was supposed to be killed with her ten year of

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Speaker 1: Santa up in two thousand and two. Who are you arms?

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Speaker 1: Where his eyes should be? Santa? Hi, I'm arms or

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Speaker 1: his eyes should be? Santa. I personally don't trust glory

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Speaker 1: Hole Santa's one stole my Blue ray of Drive right

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Speaker 1: in the middle of my Glory Hole session last year

285
00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:49,800
Speaker 1: for the last time. Too many DVDs. Santa, you told

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Speaker 1: him he could borrow it when you were on math.

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00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:55,560
Speaker 1: Well he got Calm on my Blu ray. Please stop

288
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Speaker 1: playing Calm. I'm about to come. I'm feeling lost to see.

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Speaker 1: If new characters don't worry about it, there's no way

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Speaker 1: they're going to live until next act. You to the

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00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:08,040
Speaker 1: format of this the part of this movie, Glorial Santa

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Speaker 1: is a valued member of our family. He's been sucking

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Speaker 1: my family off. Sorry, he's been sucking my family off

294
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Speaker 1: for generations. It's true. Glory Hole Santa has been sucking

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00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:21,479
Speaker 1: everyone who has ever lived in the Jingle Mansion at

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00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:25,080
Speaker 1: a competitive race since Santa University opened. Gloryal Santa and

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00:18:25,119 --> 00:18:27,520
Speaker 1: the other Bean Dean Santa can be heard gallivanting in

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Speaker 1: the background. More I'm a professional, just the one tooth

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00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:39,200
Speaker 1: will do yea god. Santa shakes his head, which is

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00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,760
Speaker 1: slightly less important to us than that of the protagonist

301
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:44,399
Speaker 1: Dan Santa, Although if you think about it, isn't it

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00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:47,480
Speaker 1: really gal Santa's story. I'm just kidding. That's what writers

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00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,639
Speaker 1: say when their movie with a male protagonist lets a

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00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:52,320
Speaker 1: female character do something for one. I only thought Mad

305
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,480
Speaker 1: Max was okay, but maybe I just don't like steampunk culture.

306
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,000
Speaker 1: Grow up. I don't think it's right to imprison a

307
00:18:58,119 --> 00:19:02,280
Speaker 1: glory hole Santa like that. My father was a glory

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00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:05,680
Speaker 1: whole Santa. A pause. He looks to Detective Santa, who's

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00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:08,560
Speaker 1: been taking notes this whole time. She isn't taking notes anymore.

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00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:12,920
Speaker 1: Are you going to write that down? No? I'm not

311
00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:19,840
Speaker 1: particularly interested in the background story of your character. What

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00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:23,160
Speaker 1: I want to know is either being or dean Santa

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00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:26,600
Speaker 1: is why you and your brother invited us here to

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00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:30,439
Speaker 1: and I I thought you might. Detective Santa the reason

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00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:33,880
Speaker 1: I too many DVD Santa's points to boring Santa. Wait,

316
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:36,960
Speaker 1: what about that Santa? Everyone looks to boring Santa. He's

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00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,280
Speaker 1: deeply boring, but it's kind of tall, which is enough

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00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,840
Speaker 1: for a lot of people. They're all in love with

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00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:47,080
Speaker 1: him right away. Hey, regardless of sexual orientation, everyone loses

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00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:52,520
Speaker 1: their ship Tall. We had a thing. In spite of

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00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:58,200
Speaker 1: my superior judgment, I would die for him. Ah huh.

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00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,840
Speaker 1: They all snap bad it. But man, boring Santa there's

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Speaker 1: something about him. As I was crying, I mean saying,

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Speaker 1: Bean or Dean Santa, whichever you are, why are we

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00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:13,160
Speaker 1: all here a ton I, It's simple, Detective Santa. While

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Speaker 1: the person hired to play my character would normally play

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00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,280
Speaker 1: one part, he learned that if he played two with

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00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:21,480
Speaker 1: half the effort, he would make more money. I suspected

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Speaker 1: as much. Intellect Santa stands furious, don't you see, well,

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00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:30,240
Speaker 1: it can't be that many famous white actors that have

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00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,800
Speaker 1: done this. Intelec Santa doesn't even need to think about it.

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00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:36,240
Speaker 1: Come on, Paul Rudd, James Franco, Zach often Accause McGregor

333
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:39,760
Speaker 1: Tom Hardy, an unentitled seth rogue project that can't be right.

334
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,120
Speaker 1: I assure you these are all from the past five years.

335
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,560
Speaker 1: Just off the top of my head. What's the thinking

336
00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:47,760
Speaker 1: behind it? I mean, why give screen time to a

337
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:49,840
Speaker 1: person of color or a woman when you can just

338
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:52,959
Speaker 1: have a lukewarm performance from James Franco, a known specual

339
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,800
Speaker 1: predator twice Wow. In the background, you can hear Glory

340
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:59,399
Speaker 1: Hole Santa at work and either Dean or Bean Santa,

341
00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:02,120
Speaker 1: who has moning in ecstasy. It really takes you out

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00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,600
Speaker 1: of the point that intelecx Santa is making, which if

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00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,560
Speaker 1: you think about it for even a second, actually has

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00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:11,159
Speaker 1: legs to it. Rommy Malick, No, he hasn't played twins.

345
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:16,080
Speaker 1: He is a twin right, women don't play twins ever? Well,

346
00:21:16,119 --> 00:21:18,080
Speaker 1: the used tune the eighties and the nineties. But since

347
00:21:18,119 --> 00:21:20,000
Speaker 1: famous men found out that they can get paid extra

348
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,520
Speaker 1: for doing getting not as much, it's like podcasting in

349
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:27,760
Speaker 1: that way, are wild? What about Vanessa Hudgen I think

350
00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:32,000
Speaker 1: that past the Bechtel test silence, everyone at the table

351
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:33,840
Speaker 1: looks up to either Dean or Bean Santa, a little

352
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:37,040
Speaker 1: shocked at the sudden intensity. Intelecxanta breeze an internal side

353
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:40,040
Speaker 1: of relief she had totally forgotten. Vanessa Hudgens played Twins

354
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:42,680
Speaker 1: and the Princess, which just last year. But given that

355
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:45,920
Speaker 1: it's a low budget TV movie versus prestige TV and film,

356
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,800
Speaker 1: the point is still a solid one. Maybe let's say

357
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:51,000
Speaker 1: she's right. The true reason you're all here, in addition

358
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:54,240
Speaker 1: to creating additional acting work for established wet actors in need,

359
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:57,440
Speaker 1: is because you've all got a bone to pick with

360
00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:00,720
Speaker 1: the Santa You administration. Almost as if it were pre planned.

361
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:02,639
Speaker 1: It is a feature film that has gone through fourteen

362
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:06,080
Speaker 1: hours of pre production. Music begins to play as Glory Hole.

363
00:22:06,119 --> 00:22:09,720
Speaker 1: Santa continues to wail in the background in ecstasy, becoming

364
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:12,800
Speaker 1: syncopated to accompany the Broadway beat that at the beginning

365
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:17,680
Speaker 1: another song in Santa University. Yeah, you fucking idiot. There's

366
00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:20,440
Speaker 1: sixty three songs in this show. Uh this song, I

367
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,920
Speaker 1: mean it can go however you want. This is called

368
00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:26,359
Speaker 1: an explicit statement of motives. To save some time. As

369
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:29,480
Speaker 1: their verse begins, every Santa conveniently addresses the camera with

370
00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:32,399
Speaker 1: their appropriate vague amount of suspicion. Some of them are

371
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,840
Speaker 1: stupid and appear more or less suspicious than they should.

372
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:40,680
Speaker 1: Which one's not my business. I'm a Santa detective with

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Speaker 1: the history of messing up my cases and was solely

374
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:52,639
Speaker 1: caught by Bean. I'm a scientist Santa who is doing

375
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:56,879
Speaker 1: an experiments that the Bean and the Dean think isn't

376
00:22:57,119 --> 00:23:01,879
Speaker 1: keen Midnight. I'm Rs wears eyed me Santa, and I

377
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:05,480
Speaker 1: think the Dean SAIDs bad optics. I think he's a

378
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:09,760
Speaker 1: chad and he choked dip. I have too many DVDs.

379
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:13,720
Speaker 1: I was in Santa You last year and since then

380
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:18,600
Speaker 1: I purchased Avenger's End Game on Blu Ray. My personality

381
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:23,200
Speaker 1: is d v d's. It was two thousand and two

382
00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:26,680
Speaker 1: when I became the true Santa, and I lived many

383
00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:31,560
Speaker 1: years longer than Dean said. He was mad. He said, hey, Santa,

384
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:34,200
Speaker 1: is only the year and if you try to challenge me,

385
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:39,240
Speaker 1: then they're dead. I don't know what to say. I

386
00:23:39,359 --> 00:23:42,840
Speaker 1: am boring, but I'm tall, so I get fucked a lot.

387
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:48,159
Speaker 1: People mistake my height for being interesting. I am not.

388
00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:52,320
Speaker 1: Don't tell Dean. Dan Santa interrupts the song to wax

389
00:23:52,359 --> 00:23:56,360
Speaker 1: poetic about nothing as usual. The melody he improvises badly.

390
00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:02,440
Speaker 1: I'm Daniel Santa, just kidding. My full name is Dan.

391
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:06,280
Speaker 1: I look like ship and can't read. This part of

392
00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:09,400
Speaker 1: the movie is hard for me. I won't die. Suspense

393
00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:14,639
Speaker 1: is low. The regular music starts again abruptly, as if

394
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:18,600
Speaker 1: the production itself was bothered by Dan Santa's introduction. I

395
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:22,040
Speaker 1: am either Dean or Bean Santa. I'm an actor who's

396
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:25,920
Speaker 1: playing two roles. I have two roles. Look at me.

397
00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:30,760
Speaker 1: The song ends, which is well timed because the crime

398
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:33,440
Speaker 1: is about to take place anyways. The lights go out

399
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:37,080
Speaker 1: in the room and everyone panics. A screen comes from somewhere.

400
00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:40,400
Speaker 1: It's either Bean or Dean, hard to know us. Both

401
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:42,840
Speaker 1: are played by Jack. The lights are out for a

402
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:47,880
Speaker 1: full hour for the first season. For the first few minutes,

403
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:50,240
Speaker 1: there's some rustling in general upset, but it quiets down

404
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:53,560
Speaker 1: after a little while. Around minute four, we hear is

405
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:58,040
Speaker 1: anyone asleep yet? Yes? Twenty more minutes passed and we

406
00:24:58,080 --> 00:24:59,760
Speaker 1: still have not turned the lights back on. There's a

407
00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:02,760
Speaker 1: sound of a couple kissing footsteps above and below the room,

408
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:05,440
Speaker 1: but for the most part, everyone stays still. The distant

409
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:07,960
Speaker 1: sound of bony ver is in someone's headphones, and someone's

410
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:12,800
Speaker 1: mutters something about it not being anymore. Get over, Dance Santa,

411
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:17,639
Speaker 1: Is that you kissing my dreams? It is Dance Santa.

412
00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:21,639
Speaker 1: You're the funniest person I know. Thirty minutes after this,

413
00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:25,399
Speaker 1: Detective Santa speaks up, is anyone going to turn the

414
00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:28,320
Speaker 1: lights back on? Oh? My god, my bad. The lights

415
00:25:28,359 --> 00:25:30,960
Speaker 1: come back on and everyone panics, says they realize either

416
00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:34,320
Speaker 1: Dean or Bean Santa has been killed and cold fucking blood,

417
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:36,240
Speaker 1: and he's laying in a pool of his own blood,

418
00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:39,520
Speaker 1: which is solid. He's been murdered in every conceivable way.

419
00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,600
Speaker 1: He's been drawn and corded. He's got a harpoon in

420
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:44,280
Speaker 1: his gut, he's been jingle whips to death. And a

421
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:49,159
Speaker 1: fourth thing too, Dad means Santa. God, Santa whispers to him.

422
00:25:49,359 --> 00:25:53,840
Speaker 1: It's Bean Santa, right. The Detective Santa tries to calm

423
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,119
Speaker 1: the crowd in spite of the fact that she's a murderer,

424
00:25:56,359 --> 00:25:59,520
Speaker 1: just getting too early to know cast of Santa University

425
00:26:00,119 --> 00:26:03,240
Speaker 1: lex in order to save time, they do so immediately.

426
00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:06,160
Speaker 1: We have to keep this moving. Someone here has killed

427
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:10,080
Speaker 1: either Bean or Dean Santa. And given that, I am

428
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:15,280
Speaker 1: Detective Santa, I did it. Oh the Bean Dean Santa,

429
00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:17,720
Speaker 1: who is not dead, enters looking like he just came.

430
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:22,639
Speaker 1: He did. What a gas. That's the only thing, the

431
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:24,760
Speaker 1: only thing that could bring me down today is if,

432
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:28,399
Speaker 1: oh my god, if your brother was murder in cold blood.

433
00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:31,080
Speaker 1: I was gonna say if bones was canceled. He was

434
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:37,879
Speaker 1: canceled Bean or Dean Santa. Oh my god, brownie face pause.

435
00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:40,320
Speaker 1: I did not do it. I just wanted the attention.

436
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,439
Speaker 1: Too many DVDs, Santa throws up in the blue ray

437
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:46,800
Speaker 1: of Looper. He never shuts the funk up about Gal

438
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:49,399
Speaker 1: Santa pleadingly goes up to the remaining Bean Dean Santa,

439
00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:52,359
Speaker 1: who stares at his brother's body emotionless, God, is that

440
00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:56,440
Speaker 1: you Gal? Due to the sensitive jingle nature of the situation,

441
00:26:56,760 --> 00:27:00,639
Speaker 1: I I am not comfortable saying. Gals in uriated and

442
00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:02,440
Speaker 1: Bean Dean Santa looks up to the rest of the

443
00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:05,400
Speaker 1: cast of Santa University. Who is your least favorite cast

444
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:10,320
Speaker 1: member so far? Don't be shy, I I'm glad he's dead.

445
00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:13,720
Speaker 1: Detective Santa begins pacing as she sucks his things out. Unfortunately,

446
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:16,080
Speaker 1: she's not watching where she's walking and starts tracking the

447
00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:18,600
Speaker 1: blood of Bean or Dean Santa across the carpet, destroying

448
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:22,520
Speaker 1: any useful evidence. That would be very interesting. Indeed, if

449
00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:25,879
Speaker 1: you were being Santa and wanted to take your brother's job,

450
00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:29,159
Speaker 1: or if you were Dean Santa to finally see your

451
00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:32,919
Speaker 1: brother receive his come upance for his crimes perpetrated as

452
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:36,080
Speaker 1: the Boston strangler, he did it. I couldn't have done it.

453
00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:38,800
Speaker 1: I was getting sucked off by glory Hole Santa. Glory

454
00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:43,120
Speaker 1: Hole Santa yells his head off in the distance. Hello, Guardeous,

455
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:47,000
Speaker 1: someone should call the police. Bring Santa Wood the police

456
00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:49,280
Speaker 1: before they can figure out who trust cops. A Santa

457
00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:52,520
Speaker 1: cop person to the room in full uniform. The general

458
00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:54,719
Speaker 1: vibe is you, we don't really want them. There did

459
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:57,280
Speaker 1: so many report crime arms, whereas I should be. Santa

460
00:27:57,320 --> 00:27:59,960
Speaker 1: instinctively throws a hatchet at Santakov's head and kills him instantly.

461
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:02,320
Speaker 1: No one is especially bothered. Did you know that cops

462
00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:05,080
Speaker 1: legally have to say did somebody report a crime? When

463
00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:09,680
Speaker 1: they enter a room? You're literally so smart? Also as

464
00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:12,040
Speaker 1: I feel I have fallen into the background a little,

465
00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:15,359
Speaker 1: who are you again? Uh? Hi, I'm scientist Santa. I

466
00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:18,080
Speaker 1: need to go get some air. Bean Dean Santa heads

467
00:28:18,119 --> 00:28:20,560
Speaker 1: for the door towards the Santa shed and a beat

468
00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:22,040
Speaker 1: plot that is sure to be a breath of fresh

469
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:24,080
Speaker 1: air for everyone. Oh my god, he left in the

470
00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:27,760
Speaker 1: middle of my sentence. Just say what you need to say, scientists, Santa,

471
00:28:28,080 --> 00:28:30,040
Speaker 1: I think we should split up and look for clues.

472
00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:33,240
Speaker 1: I was going to say that time two thousand and two, Santa,

473
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:36,320
Speaker 1: by the way, interior Jingle shed day, Let's try out

474
00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:38,320
Speaker 1: that b plot is one of the sheds behind the

475
00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:42,360
Speaker 1: Jingle Mansion and Romance. Santa and Doomed Elf french each

476
00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:45,200
Speaker 1: other passionately. Soon one of them will die and you'll

477
00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:49,720
Speaker 1: never guess who doomed Elf. I will always love you,

478
00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:53,080
Speaker 1: Romance Santa. It cannot last. You are one of the

479
00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:56,640
Speaker 1: final twenty three thousand Santas here at Santa University. There's

480
00:28:56,680 --> 00:28:58,360
Speaker 1: no way you'll live to see the end of the year.

481
00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:03,240
Speaker 1: It seems un likely by speaking as Dan Santa is

482
00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:06,680
Speaker 1: the protagonist. Doomed Delf costs a little and blood comes up.

483
00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:09,440
Speaker 1: It's elf blood though, so it's a strawberry shake. But

484
00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:13,640
Speaker 1: it's said, also, I have elf tuberculosis. Didn't they cure

485
00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:17,680
Speaker 1: elf tuberculosis? Yes, but Dean Santa won't allow the vaccine

486
00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:20,320
Speaker 1: on campus. It's a b plot to Santa University that

487
00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:23,680
Speaker 1: was included in earlier drafts that was later abandoned, except

488
00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:26,920
Speaker 1: for this scene where it is inexplicably appears. Dean Santa's

489
00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:30,560
Speaker 1: an Elf Anti vaxer. Oh right, Dean Santa and his

490
00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:34,640
Speaker 1: brother Bean, who only appears in this section of Santa University.

491
00:29:34,960 --> 00:29:37,200
Speaker 1: We haven't seen him in a while. Being Dean Santa

492
00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:39,320
Speaker 1: opens the door to the shed, smiles and ways, I'm

493
00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:43,880
Speaker 1: right here, hi, Bean or Dean Santa. Bean. Dean Santa

494
00:29:43,920 --> 00:29:45,760
Speaker 1: grabs a harpoon gun hanging on the wall and leaves

495
00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:48,440
Speaker 1: the shed. Romance Santa and Doomed Delf resumed their conversation

496
00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:51,880
Speaker 1: as I was saying, being or dean Santa is killing us.

497
00:29:52,360 --> 00:29:54,560
Speaker 1: Why don't you just say anything to him? Just now?

498
00:29:54,840 --> 00:29:59,120
Speaker 1: I'm shy. What are the vaccines made of? Due to

499
00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:01,720
Speaker 1: the fact that we are the only vaccine is cookies. No,

500
00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:04,160
Speaker 1: it could be persuaded to change cookies to hot dogs.

501
00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:07,000
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter, doom Delf, I will love you to

502
00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:11,560
Speaker 1: the very end. Fade too. Very raunchy sex scene. Note

503
00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:15,120
Speaker 1: this scene has to be absolutely debauched and fucked up.

504
00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:18,480
Speaker 1: Their bodies due to the culture of death at Santa University,

505
00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:22,840
Speaker 1: are covered in sores and boils. However, it is a

506
00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:26,840
Speaker 1: gorgeous consensual love scene. They're not particularly adventurous, but a

507
00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:29,960
Speaker 1: lot of people in the crowd will be titilated. Trying

508
00:30:29,960 --> 00:30:31,680
Speaker 1: to spell this weird five times, I kept sucking it

509
00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:34,960
Speaker 1: up by the sheer difference in size between doom Delf

510
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:38,520
Speaker 1: and Romantic Santa. Doomed Delf pops one of Romantic Santa's

511
00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:42,360
Speaker 1: back penals. Really think about how that might look. This

512
00:30:42,480 --> 00:30:45,320
Speaker 1: scene should be two minutes long. But feel like twenty viewers.

513
00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:48,240
Speaker 1: Viewers would think, how could God exist in a world

514
00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:51,640
Speaker 1: in which this sex scene takes place. Romantic Santa and

515
00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:53,960
Speaker 1: doom Delf lay in a pile of stinky bliss. Their

516
00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:58,040
Speaker 1: flesh reeking of recent coitus is terrible. Doom Delf seems

517
00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:03,240
Speaker 1: have said, I'm dying man, Santa, Yes, doom Delf dies,

518
00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:06,600
Speaker 1: confirming the suspicions of many Dean Santa climbed through the

519
00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:09,720
Speaker 1: window and speaks to camera, well, I hope everyone enjoyed

520
00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:12,920
Speaker 1: this little b plot. On with the show snaps Romance

521
00:31:12,920 --> 00:31:16,680
Speaker 1: Santa's neck, we returned to the Jingle manner dining room.

522
00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:20,520
Speaker 1: Detective Santa is examining a mutilated body a little closer

523
00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:23,800
Speaker 1: as Boring Santa behaves both hot and suspicious. Anything you're

524
00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:27,240
Speaker 1: looking for, specifically, Detective Santa detectives Santa looks up. She's

525
00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:29,080
Speaker 1: a career driven woman who doesn't have time to funk.

526
00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:31,560
Speaker 1: But for a man this boring, she's honestly a little flustered.

527
00:31:32,480 --> 00:31:38,600
Speaker 1: Just the stant of stuff. Boring Santa lacerations, curses, goop.

528
00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:41,400
Speaker 1: I like to get a little taste of the scene.

529
00:31:41,640 --> 00:31:44,000
Speaker 1: In an attempt to alert Boring Santa She takes a

530
00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:46,760
Speaker 1: long slurp of Dean or Bean Santa's blood while locking

531
00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:56,120
Speaker 1: eyes with him. It's working boring. Santa is interested and

532
00:31:56,280 --> 00:32:00,480
Speaker 1: he leads suspects. Heleans in closer towards detectives does blood

533
00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:06,400
Speaker 1: stained professional mouth. I have ruled out no suspects. Oh

534
00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:08,520
Speaker 1: my god, born guys can do whatever they want as

535
00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:12,160
Speaker 1: long as they're tall. It's not fair. Interior Jingle Basement.

536
00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:14,840
Speaker 1: Gal Santa and Dan Santa wander through the labyrinth of

537
00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:18,040
Speaker 1: tunnels beneath the Jingle Mansion. Gala is frantically looking for clues,

538
00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:21,120
Speaker 1: and Dan Santa is moving slowly and generally making things difficult.

539
00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:23,720
Speaker 1: He is the underdog, but at this point in Santa University,

540
00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:27,000
Speaker 1: everyone's just about had it with him. I hate being alive.

541
00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:31,200
Speaker 1: That makes sense. You're not good at it. Focus, Dan Santa.

542
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:33,560
Speaker 1: The murderer could have hitten a weapon down here or

543
00:32:33,680 --> 00:32:35,920
Speaker 1: something during the hour where I should have turned the

544
00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:39,280
Speaker 1: lights on. But Gal Santa, it's like three hours in

545
00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:42,440
Speaker 1: the movie Santa University, and all my efforts to wear

546
00:32:42,520 --> 00:32:45,280
Speaker 1: you down have been from nothing. You're not worn down

547
00:32:45,360 --> 00:32:47,440
Speaker 1: at all. Gal Santa finds a gun on the ground

548
00:32:47,480 --> 00:32:50,000
Speaker 1: with fresh, bloody handprints, then kicks it and walks by.

549
00:32:50,320 --> 00:32:52,960
Speaker 1: Too obvious, I don't have time for this dance, Santa.

550
00:32:53,160 --> 00:32:55,480
Speaker 1: Either my father or my uncle is dead, and either

551
00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:58,120
Speaker 1: my father or my uncle doesn't care about it. How

552
00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:00,200
Speaker 1: many times do I have to tell you you look like?

553
00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:02,880
Speaker 1: Before she can state the obvious? Dan Santa's looks in

554
00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:06,040
Speaker 1: literacy are completely unchanged since moment one they bump into

555
00:33:06,160 --> 00:33:09,800
Speaker 1: the metaphorical can Joined Twins Santa's. The metaphor is that

556
00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:12,040
Speaker 1: what binds them is the oppression of poverty and being

557
00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:14,800
Speaker 1: pushed to the margins of Jingle society their entire lives.

558
00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:17,960
Speaker 1: But this will not come across at all in the performance.

559
00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:23,240
Speaker 1: Who Dares cross the Jingle Labyrinth? Dan Santa? Can you

560
00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:25,120
Speaker 1: handle this? She walks off to go in her hero's

561
00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:28,160
Speaker 1: journey That Santa University has no interest in It's scals

562
00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:30,880
Speaker 1: Stanta's story, though, And don't let anyone tell you differently?

563
00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:33,280
Speaker 1: How long have you been here for? I can join

564
00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:36,120
Speaker 1: twins look into the near distance wistfully. How long has

565
00:33:36,160 --> 00:33:39,640
Speaker 1: it been now? Christine can joined twin two lifts of

566
00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:41,360
Speaker 1: her pant like and counts of scabs on her shin

567
00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:48,400
Speaker 1: nine scabs. Christopher that means fifty years. The university told

568
00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:51,920
Speaker 1: us if we came above ground again, we would be vaporized.

569
00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:55,600
Speaker 1: But we send smoke signals up it'll be up here

570
00:33:55,840 --> 00:33:58,160
Speaker 1: since you're here, Like, would you mind affirming that I

571
00:33:58,360 --> 00:34:02,080
Speaker 1: am entitled? Like the love of Gala Santa. Like through song,

572
00:34:02,320 --> 00:34:04,400
Speaker 1: twins look at each other. This is their only chance

573
00:34:04,440 --> 00:34:08,360
Speaker 1: for escape. With all due respect, we really need someone's

574
00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:11,560
Speaker 1: help getting out of the movie. Santa University doesn't care

575
00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:14,040
Speaker 1: about the plight of the longer press conjoined twins, and

576
00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:16,719
Speaker 1: the music begins to play. I look around and dread

577
00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:19,680
Speaker 1: as Dan Santa begins to clap his big stupid hands

578
00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:25,520
Speaker 1: a song just for him. The song is called You're Okay. Note.

579
00:34:25,640 --> 00:34:28,560
Speaker 1: As a conjoined twins go through their routine against their will,

580
00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:31,040
Speaker 1: we can see that the dancing causes them a lot

581
00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:35,080
Speaker 1: of pain. It turns out they're dancing on glass. You're

582
00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:40,160
Speaker 1: not so bad. You'll wear her down. You're thedagon. It's out,

583
00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:44,759
Speaker 1: You've got the crown. Take it from us from underground,

584
00:34:45,680 --> 00:34:50,520
Speaker 1: we can validate you. Make you feel profound. Keep dancing,

585
00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:53,440
Speaker 1: step on the glass. They sing the next part in

586
00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:56,680
Speaker 1: a bridgee quick listing format. Not exactly we didn't start

587
00:34:56,760 --> 00:34:58,839
Speaker 1: the fire, but that's about as close as I can think.

588
00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:01,680
Speaker 1: Show your look like shit and you can't even read,

589
00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:04,000
Speaker 1: but you've got two hands and you still can't read.

590
00:35:04,120 --> 00:35:06,320
Speaker 1: And you've got a nice smile. Awake, just saw it.

591
00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:09,200
Speaker 1: I take it back. You've got a nice sat a

592
00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:14,759
Speaker 1: nice hat, the kind of smells dance and by catch

593
00:35:14,840 --> 00:35:17,919
Speaker 1: we mean not including look, skills, money or personality. We'd

594
00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:20,640
Speaker 1: love to tell you about how we got stuck down

595
00:35:20,719 --> 00:35:24,000
Speaker 1: here many years go. When the dance is angry, they

596
00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:26,440
Speaker 1: should be singing about him. I don't care about your

597
00:35:26,480 --> 00:35:29,760
Speaker 1: predicament they had. They head into a very painful finale.

598
00:35:30,239 --> 00:35:36,840
Speaker 1: Don't worry. We're in a lot of personal pain. But dance,

599
00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:44,040
Speaker 1: You're okay the song. The song ends, and Dan Santa

600
00:35:44,120 --> 00:35:46,440
Speaker 1: is flying high from the emotional labor. He subjected these

601
00:35:46,520 --> 00:35:48,880
Speaker 1: characters too, although it would appear that it's they who

602
00:35:48,920 --> 00:35:52,000
Speaker 1: could use the reassurance. The conjoined twins are miserable. You

603
00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:56,200
Speaker 1: know what you are, right, conjoined twins. I am sexually

604
00:35:56,280 --> 00:36:00,600
Speaker 1: appealing now if you please checkerless from this wall. The

605
00:36:00,680 --> 00:36:02,919
Speaker 1: twin who I give a name earlier, but let's be honest,

606
00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:05,759
Speaker 1: they're poor, and who cares reveals that he and his

607
00:36:05,880 --> 00:36:07,720
Speaker 1: sister have been shackled to the wall of the tunnel

608
00:36:07,800 --> 00:36:10,480
Speaker 1: this entire time. Gal Santa comes back with a rock.

609
00:36:10,719 --> 00:36:13,680
Speaker 1: I found a rock. Gal. I'm in love with you,

610
00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:17,880
Speaker 1: Dan Santa. I am completely disinterested in you in the movie.

611
00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:20,560
Speaker 1: This means I have a chance. They take the rock.

612
00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:23,640
Speaker 1: They take the rock, which Gal thinks is a clue,

613
00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:25,759
Speaker 1: but honestly, in what world would that be a clue?

614
00:36:26,239 --> 00:36:29,640
Speaker 1: And they run in the opposite direction of the conjoined twins.

615
00:36:30,040 --> 00:36:32,440
Speaker 1: Neither Gal Santa nor Dan Santa would ever think of

616
00:36:32,520 --> 00:36:35,359
Speaker 1: the twins again, confront their own privilege, or grow as people.

617
00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:38,240
Speaker 1: The twins would go on to live for five hundred

618
00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:42,320
Speaker 1: years or ten scabs. I hate to admit it, but

619
00:36:43,080 --> 00:36:47,440
Speaker 1: I'm rooting for Dan Santa. Interior jingle pantry, go Santa,

620
00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:50,200
Speaker 1: intellect Santa, and aren't whereas I should be. Santa follow

621
00:36:50,239 --> 00:36:52,320
Speaker 1: some bloody footprints into the pantry, which is a pretty

622
00:36:52,320 --> 00:36:54,520
Speaker 1: gentle way to describe a room full of frozen Santa

623
00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:57,080
Speaker 1: body parts. I thought they just said the Santis into

624
00:36:57,080 --> 00:36:59,120
Speaker 1: the fields and no one give it turns them into chowel.

625
00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:02,560
Speaker 1: You can see that. I thought you had arts rights, right.

626
00:37:02,600 --> 00:37:07,160
Speaker 1: I forgot that beautiful performance. God Santa nos on the

627
00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:09,880
Speaker 1: arm of a deceased stand up comedian. Santa is for

628
00:37:09,960 --> 00:37:13,560
Speaker 1: the best. It ain't half bad, I'll tell you that.

629
00:37:14,080 --> 00:37:16,480
Speaker 1: Suddenly the kitchen door slams behind them into e Santa

630
00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:19,720
Speaker 1: runs to it and jiggles the handle. It's locked. It's locked.

631
00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:23,960
Speaker 1: She jiggles it again. It opens. Oops, No, it wasn't well.

632
00:37:24,040 --> 00:37:27,360
Speaker 1: I guess that's it for the scene. It's nothing personal.

633
00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:33,319
Speaker 1: Santa University starts recording, and literally six minutes interior jingle

634
00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:37,080
Speaker 1: Attic two Santa and too Many DVD. Santa's example examines

635
00:37:37,120 --> 00:37:39,560
Speaker 1: a creaky old attic Philip with sign headshots of either

636
00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:41,759
Speaker 1: Bean or Dean Santa that no one wanted but he

637
00:37:41,840 --> 00:37:44,879
Speaker 1: mailed to everyone on their birthdays. Two to Santa looks

638
00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:46,759
Speaker 1: through them and discovers a hatchet covered in blood. She

639
00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:50,440
Speaker 1: picks it up. I think this is worth showing the detective.

640
00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:53,440
Speaker 1: Too Many DVD Santa completely steam rolls her a DVD

641
00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:56,600
Speaker 1: copy of Blade Runner sticking out of his back pocket.

642
00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:02,319
Speaker 1: Oh we can hear two thousand two sets his inner

643
00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:05,000
Speaker 1: monolog as she sifts through an impossible number of head shots.

644
00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:08,640
Speaker 1: I've never watched Barton Fink. I'm never going to watch

645
00:38:08,800 --> 00:38:11,640
Speaker 1: Barton Fink, even if Barton Fink is good. Everyone who

646
00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:14,120
Speaker 1: has ever recommended it to me smells like salt and

647
00:38:14,280 --> 00:38:18,000
Speaker 1: vinegar chips too many DVD. Santa persists getting closer to

648
00:38:18,080 --> 00:38:20,040
Speaker 1: her as she ignores him, as if that could possibly

649
00:38:20,040 --> 00:38:23,279
Speaker 1: be the problem. Something interesting about Barton Fink is that

650
00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:28,480
Speaker 1: came out two thousand two. Santa's eyes glaze over and

651
00:38:28,560 --> 00:38:31,360
Speaker 1: a soft piano ballad begins to play as her innamal

652
00:38:31,560 --> 00:38:35,200
Speaker 1: inner monologue begins to sing song. If another cheeto finger

653
00:38:35,280 --> 00:38:37,960
Speaker 1: dipshit tells me to watch Barton Fink on DVD, then

654
00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:44,200
Speaker 1: so help me. I've never trusted men with too first

655
00:38:44,520 --> 00:38:47,560
Speaker 1: names to bonus content on Blu Ray if you ever

656
00:38:47,640 --> 00:38:50,200
Speaker 1: want to come over And the scene is mercifully cut

657
00:38:50,239 --> 00:38:53,279
Speaker 1: short by a loud shot coming from downstairs, followed by

658
00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:59,960
Speaker 1: another scream from Jack Jingle Mansion dining room. Everyone run

659
00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:02,200
Speaker 1: back into the Jingle dining room to find that Bean

660
00:39:02,239 --> 00:39:05,360
Speaker 1: Dean Santa has also been killed. There's a hole in

661
00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:07,520
Speaker 1: the ceiling from where the body fell, meaning it must

662
00:39:07,520 --> 00:39:09,400
Speaker 1: have happened on the second floor. How many floors are

663
00:39:09,400 --> 00:39:11,960
Speaker 1: in the mansion, Let's say six, The freshly killed Bean

664
00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:14,160
Speaker 1: or Dean is now in a puddle of goop. It's

665
00:39:14,160 --> 00:39:16,360
Speaker 1: a little funny to look at. Gal Santa looks on

666
00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:19,520
Speaker 1: in horror. That can't be possible. One of them has

667
00:39:19,640 --> 00:39:22,680
Speaker 1: to live. Dean Santa appears in the climactic scene of

668
00:39:22,880 --> 00:39:30,200
Speaker 1: Santa University The Big Game. Detective Santa starts pacing with

669
00:39:30,280 --> 00:39:34,759
Speaker 1: authority again, this time just walking on top of the corpses. Nevertheless,

670
00:39:35,320 --> 00:39:39,560
Speaker 1: both Bean and Dean Santa are dat and splitting up

671
00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:42,839
Speaker 1: has not advanced the plot, not even a little. Who

672
00:39:42,920 --> 00:39:48,320
Speaker 1: do you suspect, Detective Santa? Interesting you ask day in Santa.

673
00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:52,480
Speaker 1: I'm Dan Santa. But first we have to cut away

674
00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:55,680
Speaker 1: to one more bee plot scene taking place in another

675
00:39:55,800 --> 00:40:01,080
Speaker 1: area Interior Santa Dog room. Dog Santa sits with knife Santa. Hello,

676
00:40:01,200 --> 00:40:04,239
Speaker 1: dog Santa, Doc Santa, just this there. What's he gonna do?

677
00:40:04,480 --> 00:40:06,960
Speaker 1: He's just a dog, cute dog, nice guy. Hi, send

678
00:40:08,760 --> 00:40:12,279
Speaker 1: dog Santa. I wanted to apologize for how I behave

679
00:40:12,320 --> 00:40:15,560
Speaker 1: the other day. Not with the knife. Doc Sanda is

680
00:40:15,600 --> 00:40:17,600
Speaker 1: just sitting there because he's a dog. Script note dog's

681
00:40:17,640 --> 00:40:23,440
Speaker 1: penis must be visible. Thank you. I totally understand silent treatment.

682
00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:28,040
Speaker 1: It's like, I'm knife Santa. That's scary. I didn't choose

683
00:40:28,040 --> 00:40:31,800
Speaker 1: that for myself, but that's you know, it's kind of

684
00:40:31,840 --> 00:40:34,319
Speaker 1: my lot in life. I'm sure I see these other

685
00:40:34,360 --> 00:40:37,880
Speaker 1: Santa's and get jealous. I'd kill to be peepe Santa,

686
00:40:38,040 --> 00:40:42,000
Speaker 1: or dead tooth Santa or a third stupid thing. But

687
00:40:42,080 --> 00:40:45,960
Speaker 1: I'm knife Santa. I got a knife. I'm sorry I

688
00:40:46,040 --> 00:40:48,279
Speaker 1: pull the knife on you. The dog stands as if

689
00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:50,239
Speaker 1: he's going to say a line. He goes to the mic.

690
00:40:50,760 --> 00:40:53,719
Speaker 1: He's gonna tell a knife Santa, off man. This dog

691
00:40:53,840 --> 00:41:07,320
Speaker 1: is gonna tell him good. Say go sunny, Sunny. This

692
00:41:07,520 --> 00:41:22,000
Speaker 1: is it. This is the sunny, Sunny Sunny, and see

693
00:41:22,040 --> 00:41:28,160
Speaker 1: the whites of his eyes, Jesus Christ. Suddenly the dog

694
00:41:28,239 --> 00:41:30,480
Speaker 1: remembers he's a dog, and now while he does not

695
00:41:30,640 --> 00:41:36,040
Speaker 1: look like ship, he cannot read. The dog explode because

696
00:41:36,080 --> 00:41:38,680
Speaker 1: the dog actor can't read. Everyone booze him as he leaves.

697
00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:46,320
Speaker 1: The ship's bad all right. Back to the Jingle Mansion,

698
00:41:46,719 --> 00:41:49,640
Speaker 1: Detective Santa looks at the suspects with smug satisfaction. She

699
00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:52,600
Speaker 1: knows exactly who did it, but this is a really

700
00:41:52,680 --> 00:41:54,640
Speaker 1: long part where she doesn't say so for a while.

701
00:41:54,840 --> 00:41:56,640
Speaker 1: If you start to lose interest just thinking about the

702
00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:59,520
Speaker 1: dog scene we just did. That was fun. I know

703
00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:04,440
Speaker 1: exactly who killed both Dean and Bean Santa. No one

704
00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:07,560
Speaker 1: here lacks motive or in Santa raises his hand. I

705
00:42:07,640 --> 00:42:09,640
Speaker 1: think it could be argued that I do. But there's

706
00:42:09,640 --> 00:42:12,880
Speaker 1: only one Santa that could have committed the crime. The

707
00:42:13,080 --> 00:42:16,960
Speaker 1: first Santa, either Bean or Dean, appears to have died

708
00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:20,319
Speaker 1: of being drawn and quartered. At first, I thought arms

709
00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:22,880
Speaker 1: whereas eyes should be Santa arms whereas I should be

710
00:42:22,880 --> 00:42:25,439
Speaker 1: should put his eye arms in the air. A note

711
00:42:25,560 --> 00:42:28,440
Speaker 1: for all actors. Everyone playing a suspicious Santa will need

712
00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:30,239
Speaker 1: to come up with their own reason of why they

713
00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:33,239
Speaker 1: are innocent. Is really hard to write these, and I

714
00:42:33,400 --> 00:42:36,320
Speaker 1: overestimated my ability to do it. And I couldn't always

715
00:42:36,360 --> 00:42:38,320
Speaker 1: think of a really a good motive. So if you

716
00:42:38,480 --> 00:42:40,759
Speaker 1: have to give a reason for why you're innocent, uh,

717
00:42:40,920 --> 00:42:44,040
Speaker 1: you know, just just do it yourself. It couldn't have

718
00:42:44,120 --> 00:42:48,760
Speaker 1: been me. I was masturbating on the subway. That's good reason.

719
00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:53,759
Speaker 1: And who are you? Which Santa? Arms where you're should

720
00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:57,400
Speaker 1: arms where Santa? That's true, arms where you're I should

721
00:42:57,440 --> 00:43:02,000
Speaker 1: be Santa. That reasoning is completely sound. Then what about

722
00:43:02,239 --> 00:43:07,520
Speaker 1: scientists Santa. She's on a mission to cut down Santa's casualties,

723
00:43:07,600 --> 00:43:12,680
Speaker 1: a decision brothers directly opposed. How would that make sense?

724
00:43:13,360 --> 00:43:17,080
Speaker 1: I was doing science and I couldn't have done it. Um,

725
00:43:17,480 --> 00:43:21,319
Speaker 1: I'm I'm good, not bad. I thought the exact thing.

726
00:43:22,760 --> 00:43:26,120
Speaker 1: But then, okay, too many DVDs. Santa Dean and Bean

727
00:43:26,239 --> 00:43:30,719
Speaker 1: Santa were both outspoken about Bennette Miller being overrated. Who

728
00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:33,400
Speaker 1: the hell is that he's a patriotic filmmaker, not a

729
00:43:33,520 --> 00:43:37,200
Speaker 1: nationalistic one. Sounds boring and it couldn't have been me.

730
00:43:37,560 --> 00:43:41,880
Speaker 1: I was, uh, looking at the dog on the plexiglass ceiling.

731
00:43:42,880 --> 00:43:48,360
Speaker 1: True enough, I considered that maybe God Santa, but he's

732
00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:53,680
Speaker 1: a pleasant ways and then there's boring Santa. But I

733
00:43:53,800 --> 00:43:58,400
Speaker 1: love you really No, but I'm tall. I couldn't have

734
00:43:58,440 --> 00:44:00,840
Speaker 1: done it. I was busy bonking my tall head on

735
00:44:00,960 --> 00:44:05,359
Speaker 1: different pipes and door frames. It's true, Dean is too

736
00:44:05,719 --> 00:44:08,480
Speaker 1: sexy and tall and I have a crush on him

737
00:44:08,560 --> 00:44:12,680
Speaker 1: to have done it. And then I found this. She

738
00:44:12,800 --> 00:44:15,160
Speaker 1: pulls aside a convenient curtain to reveal a lever and

739
00:44:15,200 --> 00:44:17,560
Speaker 1: a sign that says pulling his lever will drawing quarter.

740
00:44:17,719 --> 00:44:22,280
Speaker 1: Either Dean or Bean Santa instantly. But then again, whoever

741
00:44:22,360 --> 00:44:24,040
Speaker 1: pulled the lever may not have known that it would

742
00:44:24,040 --> 00:44:27,160
Speaker 1: happen if they had pulled it. That's ridiculous. The sign

743
00:44:27,280 --> 00:44:30,040
Speaker 1: clearly states that pulling the lever would kill someone instantly,

744
00:44:30,280 --> 00:44:36,239
Speaker 1: so who among us would do something so flagrant, so performative.

745
00:44:36,680 --> 00:44:38,680
Speaker 1: It's almost as if they wanted it to happen to

746
00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:42,359
Speaker 1: either Dean or Bean Santa as revenge for what would

747
00:44:42,400 --> 00:44:45,440
Speaker 1: have happened to them in two thousand and two if

748
00:44:45,480 --> 00:44:49,719
Speaker 1: they hadn't escaped the death at Santa's penalty. Everyone turns

749
00:44:49,719 --> 00:44:54,719
Speaker 1: to two. It couldn't have been me. Two thousand and

750
00:44:54,800 --> 00:44:58,680
Speaker 1: two is the same numbers forwards and backwards. It's true

751
00:45:00,239 --> 00:45:03,000
Speaker 1: two thousand and two. Santa couldn't have taken the risk

752
00:45:03,080 --> 00:45:06,640
Speaker 1: of killing Dean or Bean Santa unless she was absolutely

753
00:45:06,800 --> 00:45:09,960
Speaker 1: sure who it was, or her cover as a fugitive

754
00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:13,320
Speaker 1: would have been blown. So someone saw the sign and

755
00:45:13,480 --> 00:45:17,759
Speaker 1: decided to ignore it unless she paces back and forth

756
00:45:19,400 --> 00:45:24,400
Speaker 1: that Santa couldn't read it. I don't think that was

757
00:45:24,520 --> 00:45:27,719
Speaker 1: the proper use of unless aren't you his eye should be.

758
00:45:27,760 --> 00:45:29,799
Speaker 1: Santa re enters the room with a large, heavy bag

759
00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:33,760
Speaker 1: with a corpse in it. Gal. Santa panics, what's that? Oh? Sorry,

760
00:45:33,800 --> 00:45:34,920
Speaker 1: I just try to look in the back ship. I

761
00:45:34,920 --> 00:45:37,280
Speaker 1: thought we could snack on it. He dumps Doomed helps

762
00:45:37,360 --> 00:45:44,400
Speaker 1: corpse out of the bag. Everyone laughs, Oh, that's very

763
00:45:44,480 --> 00:45:47,000
Speaker 1: thoughtful of you go to the kitchen and cut him

764
00:45:47,000 --> 00:45:50,239
Speaker 1: in the giangles. This is a nice house and we

765
00:45:50,360 --> 00:45:53,400
Speaker 1: need to act the coordinating I even love with you.

766
00:45:54,200 --> 00:46:01,359
Speaker 1: There's no time, carners Dan Santa, who looks terrified. Dan Santa. Hi,

767
00:46:02,280 --> 00:46:04,960
Speaker 1: I'm Dan Santa. He's got as good of a motive

768
00:46:05,000 --> 00:46:07,880
Speaker 1: as anyone disagrees with the rules of Santa University, so

769
00:46:08,160 --> 00:46:11,839
Speaker 1: knocking Dean sent off would help. Intimidated by the raw

770
00:46:12,200 --> 00:46:16,520
Speaker 1: sexual energy being Santa radiated to the love interest in

771
00:46:16,600 --> 00:46:20,640
Speaker 1: Santa University a movie that he Tita, Santa looks right

772
00:46:20,680 --> 00:46:24,200
Speaker 1: into the camera, is the protagonist of arms, whereas I

773
00:46:24,280 --> 00:46:26,440
Speaker 1: should be. Santa re enters with the chopped off doomed

774
00:46:26,480 --> 00:46:29,200
Speaker 1: delf and everyone snacks on his remains throughout the remainder

775
00:46:29,239 --> 00:46:33,480
Speaker 1: of the scene. Remember his sex scene earlier. Gross Suddenly

776
00:46:34,360 --> 00:46:38,200
Speaker 1: it's starting to make sense. And then I thought of

777
00:46:38,360 --> 00:46:43,400
Speaker 1: either Dean or being. Santa's final words, don't do it.

778
00:46:44,040 --> 00:46:50,080
Speaker 1: It hurts and I believe maybe that wasn't what he

779
00:46:50,280 --> 00:46:55,200
Speaker 1: said at all. Maybe Dean or Being Santa was announcing

780
00:46:55,600 --> 00:47:01,880
Speaker 1: his killer, and that killer looked like shit. I couldn't

781
00:47:01,960 --> 00:47:05,960
Speaker 1: even read Gos. Santa leans over to Dan Santa, concerned,

782
00:47:06,760 --> 00:47:10,760
Speaker 1: Dan Santa, did you commit the Santa murder? I'm starting

783
00:47:10,800 --> 00:47:15,080
Speaker 1: to think I'm guilty as hell. Go Santa looks disappointed,

784
00:47:15,160 --> 00:47:18,320
Speaker 1: then perks up. I guess that's okay. It seems like

785
00:47:18,400 --> 00:47:20,840
Speaker 1: a strange thing for us to harp on when we

786
00:47:21,040 --> 00:47:25,040
Speaker 1: all commit multiple murders a day, that being part of

787
00:47:25,120 --> 00:47:28,560
Speaker 1: the premise of the movie I'm in love with you,

788
00:47:29,239 --> 00:47:32,880
Speaker 1: You're not, oh right? I forgot you can wit at

789
00:47:32,920 --> 00:47:36,880
Speaker 1: the murders, Dan Santa, How could you? I am, Scientist Santa.

790
00:47:37,080 --> 00:47:40,320
Speaker 1: Detective Santa is very pleased with herself. It was you,

791
00:47:41,040 --> 00:47:47,400
Speaker 1: Dance Santa. You killed both Being and stop the wedding

792
00:47:48,200 --> 00:47:51,640
Speaker 1: glory Hole Santa enters for the first time. He's visibly

793
00:47:51,760 --> 00:47:54,520
Speaker 1: covered in the common blood of both Dean and Bean.

794
00:47:54,640 --> 00:47:59,279
Speaker 1: Santa and whichever ordered that ended up checking out and

795
00:47:59,360 --> 00:48:00,719
Speaker 1: as the phase of a man who wasn't seen the

796
00:48:00,800 --> 00:48:04,920
Speaker 1: light of day and years. Detective Santa is shocked Dan

797
00:48:05,080 --> 00:48:08,520
Speaker 1: Santa didn't kill both Bean and Dean Santa. I don't know.

798
00:48:09,040 --> 00:48:14,120
Speaker 1: A strong case was made. That's right, it was me. Damn,

799
00:48:14,200 --> 00:48:18,040
Speaker 1: I thought it was me. Everyone looks at Detective Santa.

800
00:48:18,120 --> 00:48:20,080
Speaker 1: She and Dan Santa are clearly the only people in

801
00:48:20,120 --> 00:48:24,399
Speaker 1: the room who are surprised at this reveal. I uh,

802
00:48:25,440 --> 00:48:28,120
Speaker 1: it couldn't have been you. Glory Hole Santa. You were

803
00:48:28,200 --> 00:48:32,240
Speaker 1: in the glory hole. The glory hole time. Detective Santa

804
00:48:32,480 --> 00:48:36,520
Speaker 1: pauses for laughs, but no one gets it. Intellect Santa

805
00:48:36,560 --> 00:48:40,680
Speaker 1: steps forward. It was glory Hole Santa. You knew. Intellect

806
00:48:40,719 --> 00:48:43,560
Speaker 1: Santa justice to everyone dramatically, knocking over a glass, but

807
00:48:43,640 --> 00:48:48,000
Speaker 1: she plays it off. Okay, we all knew. I didn't,

808
00:48:48,719 --> 00:48:51,640
Speaker 1: except for Dan Santa, who's too stupid to be included.

809
00:48:53,440 --> 00:48:56,520
Speaker 1: I've been planning it for years. We see what he's

810
00:48:56,520 --> 00:48:58,480
Speaker 1: describing as he does, I don't have time to get specific.

811
00:48:58,560 --> 00:49:01,320
Speaker 1: Right now, we start recording. Santa and Versity in one hour.

812
00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:06,040
Speaker 1: Sucked the Santa University administration off, day in and day

813
00:49:06,080 --> 00:49:09,759
Speaker 1: out for generations. Cowardly Santas who were too afraid of

814
00:49:09,920 --> 00:49:13,560
Speaker 1: dying in a horrifying and unnecessary way to even unroll

815
00:49:13,640 --> 00:49:17,520
Speaker 1: in their own school. Don't talk about my father that way.

816
00:49:18,200 --> 00:49:21,160
Speaker 1: That it's true, you're right, and I'm glad he's dead.

817
00:49:21,280 --> 00:49:24,800
Speaker 1: Continue And one day when Dean Santa shot a student

818
00:49:24,840 --> 00:49:28,560
Speaker 1: at his office for saying Dingle class instead of Jingle Class,

819
00:49:28,800 --> 00:49:32,000
Speaker 1: I decided I'd had enough. Why did you hate Bean Santa?

820
00:49:32,800 --> 00:49:35,320
Speaker 1: Because he took away my dental insurance, and that's the

821
00:49:35,440 --> 00:49:37,920
Speaker 1: insurance of glory hole Santa needs the most. So I

822
00:49:38,040 --> 00:49:41,839
Speaker 1: hatched a nigg no a n egg, and that egg

823
00:49:41,880 --> 00:49:44,440
Speaker 1: grew up to be he looks to boring Santa, who

824
00:49:44,520 --> 00:49:47,120
Speaker 1: gives up the ruse and rushes to embrace his com stain,

825
00:49:47,239 --> 00:49:53,399
Speaker 1: Daddy Daddy be. I still think I did it, though,

826
00:49:54,200 --> 00:49:57,640
Speaker 1: And as my son grew up to becoming aspiring Santa himself,

827
00:49:57,920 --> 00:50:00,279
Speaker 1: I had him use his newfound charisthma as at tall

828
00:50:00,520 --> 00:50:05,759
Speaker 1: reasonably symmetrical man. I wouldn't say charismatic, but there is

829
00:50:05,920 --> 00:50:09,239
Speaker 1: something about him to recruit other students to carry out

830
00:50:09,280 --> 00:50:12,520
Speaker 1: my brand and create the distraction of vaguely themed dinner

831
00:50:12,760 --> 00:50:15,120
Speaker 1: in order to give me the time to murder the brothers.

832
00:50:15,400 --> 00:50:17,520
Speaker 1: They were all in on it, except, as I stated,

833
00:50:17,640 --> 00:50:21,399
Speaker 1: dance Santa, who was never gonna cut out. Everyone walked

834
00:50:21,400 --> 00:50:23,840
Speaker 1: talks among themselves for a second. Did that make sense.

835
00:50:24,320 --> 00:50:27,919
Speaker 1: Was there a plothole that makes this completely infeasible? Point

836
00:50:27,960 --> 00:50:30,719
Speaker 1: out what you think is flimsy is about the conclusion.

837
00:50:30,840 --> 00:50:32,879
Speaker 1: I think it worked out, okay, hearing it all out

838
00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:37,200
Speaker 1: in a row and I'm relieved. Wow, I'm like innocent

839
00:50:37,280 --> 00:50:41,440
Speaker 1: as well. I think that solves your case, Detective Santa.

840
00:50:41,520 --> 00:50:44,759
Speaker 1: And by the way, the jokes on you prison makes

841
00:50:44,840 --> 00:50:48,840
Speaker 1: me harny, My man, you are next level. Detective Santa

842
00:50:48,920 --> 00:50:51,759
Speaker 1: looks around at all the plotting. Santa's gal looks at

843
00:50:51,800 --> 00:50:55,359
Speaker 1: her father's corpse. I honestly didn't think killing him would

844
00:50:55,360 --> 00:50:57,800
Speaker 1: be permanent as he is in the climactic scene of

845
00:50:57,840 --> 00:51:02,319
Speaker 1: Santa University, that being the big game. Oh well, maybe

846
00:51:02,360 --> 00:51:04,920
Speaker 1: I can hire a task rabbit to replace him. Glory

847
00:51:04,960 --> 00:51:07,920
Speaker 1: Holsanta and Boring Santa are doing a complicated father son handshake.

848
00:51:07,960 --> 00:51:12,280
Speaker 1: When Detective Santa approaches him, Glory hold Santa. That still

849
00:51:12,440 --> 00:51:17,960
Speaker 1: doesn't answer one question, why am I here? I was

850
00:51:18,040 --> 00:51:22,120
Speaker 1: waiting for you to ask, Marie. Detective Santa is shocked

851
00:51:22,200 --> 00:51:25,319
Speaker 1: another twist, how did he know her non Santa name?

852
00:51:25,600 --> 00:51:28,840
Speaker 1: Glory Holsanta wipes the coming bloy from his face. There's

853
00:51:28,880 --> 00:51:32,760
Speaker 1: a lot of it. It takes several minutes. Antellect Santa

854
00:51:33,840 --> 00:51:36,640
Speaker 1: happened to have some wet naps on her, which moves

855
00:51:36,680 --> 00:51:40,240
Speaker 1: the process along a little. After about six minutes, Detective

856
00:51:40,280 --> 00:51:49,400
Speaker 1: Santa gasps with recognition, glory Hole, my brother, I thought

857
00:51:49,480 --> 00:51:54,759
Speaker 1: you died in the glory Hole. Santa hugs her the

858
00:51:54,880 --> 00:51:58,680
Speaker 1: jingle wars, I know, but I escaped Marie and I

859
00:51:58,800 --> 00:52:01,359
Speaker 1: started a new life for myself and the glory Hole

860
00:52:02,560 --> 00:52:06,040
Speaker 1: Auntie to take to. Santa thinks about it for a second.

861
00:52:06,120 --> 00:52:09,800
Speaker 1: She has sex with him. You knew I was your aunt.

862
00:52:10,560 --> 00:52:15,400
Speaker 1: Let's get away from Maria boring Santa scientists. Santa is

863
00:52:15,440 --> 00:52:19,360
Speaker 1: building a new society away from here, and everyone is invited,

864
00:52:19,400 --> 00:52:22,120
Speaker 1: except for the four characters from Santa University who are

865
00:52:22,200 --> 00:52:25,400
Speaker 1: in the remainder of the movie. Oh Shit. Everyone is

866
00:52:25,440 --> 00:52:28,040
Speaker 1: happy and heads for the door, stepping over Dean Bean

867
00:52:28,320 --> 00:52:31,000
Speaker 1: and the cops corpses before they connect it Cool Santa.

868
00:52:31,120 --> 00:52:33,680
Speaker 1: Remember him. He's appeared in Santa University in twenty seventeen

869
00:52:33,719 --> 00:52:38,360
Speaker 1: and eighteen as Deal Santa's jock boyfriend. Hey Gil, Sanda,

870
00:52:38,560 --> 00:52:41,480
Speaker 1: check this out. He takes out a flamethrower and torches

871
00:52:41,520 --> 00:52:45,760
Speaker 1: everyone in the scene who is in Dan Santa, Gal Santa,

872
00:52:45,840 --> 00:52:50,160
Speaker 1: Intelexanta or Gas Santa. They all die instantly. I lived.

873
00:52:50,560 --> 00:52:52,640
Speaker 1: It does appear that the massive amounts of calm have

874
00:52:52,760 --> 00:52:55,720
Speaker 1: preserved Glory Hole Santa. However, he is torched a second

875
00:52:55,800 --> 00:53:00,239
Speaker 1: time and dies immediately. The gang is horrified, and Cool

876
00:53:00,280 --> 00:53:03,440
Speaker 1: Santa is thrilled. How would you like that, Gil Santa.

877
00:53:03,840 --> 00:53:06,600
Speaker 1: I cannot articulate my feelings, and so I do ship

878
00:53:06,800 --> 00:53:10,759
Speaker 1: like that, Cool Santa, I from the rebel either Dean

879
00:53:10,880 --> 00:53:13,719
Speaker 1: or Bean Santa sits straight up. I forgot I'm in

880
00:53:13,800 --> 00:53:16,239
Speaker 1: the final scene, He gets up and doest himself off.

881
00:53:16,520 --> 00:53:18,920
Speaker 1: Get back to class, kids. Oh no, I'm late for

882
00:53:19,080 --> 00:53:23,200
Speaker 1: jingle class, Dan Santa, you are wild. The whole gang

883
00:53:23,360 --> 00:53:26,000
Speaker 1: sings the theme to Santa University. The ghosts of the

884
00:53:26,080 --> 00:53:27,759
Speaker 1: characters we have come to know and love, or at

885
00:53:27,840 --> 00:53:29,879
Speaker 1: least sort of recognize the names of. At this point,

886
00:53:30,280 --> 00:53:35,840
Speaker 1: soar to heaven. Let's all sing it together, Gang Santa,

887
00:53:38,239 --> 00:53:44,839
Speaker 1: Santa Santa. Every year Santa has come here, even though

888
00:53:44,920 --> 00:53:48,640
Speaker 1: it means they may die. But just because my cost

889
00:53:48,719 --> 00:53:52,680
Speaker 1: your life doesn't mean you shouldn't try. You think there'd

890
00:53:52,719 --> 00:53:57,239
Speaker 1: be a better bedding system, but there's not. Betray your

891
00:53:57,280 --> 00:54:01,160
Speaker 1: friends and bring your own knife or my name isn't goth.

892
00:54:01,800 --> 00:54:04,520
Speaker 1: You think it would be easier to have more than

893
00:54:04,600 --> 00:54:07,520
Speaker 1: one Santa Guy, and you'd be right. And the job

894
00:54:07,640 --> 00:54:10,560
Speaker 1: is too much, which is why I'll Santa's die relatively

895
00:54:10,640 --> 00:54:13,920
Speaker 1: cast Getting paid to do a bad job twice is

896
00:54:14,000 --> 00:54:20,400
Speaker 1: the ultimate scam. Fuck you, I'm God. All the characters

897
00:54:20,400 --> 00:54:23,399
Speaker 1: who were killed by the flamethrower singing Unison You'll will

898
00:54:23,520 --> 00:54:46,239
Speaker 1: never see. Yeah where toniversity stiversity to university? Oh that's

899
00:54:46,320 --> 00:54:53,160
Speaker 1: and that's Santa University three. Um, you know I'll be

900
00:54:53,560 --> 00:54:57,320
Speaker 1: taking notes. I'm I'm not sure if that made any sense,

901
00:54:57,760 --> 00:55:01,200
Speaker 1: but but thank you everyone for of the beautiful performances

902
00:55:01,280 --> 00:55:06,320
Speaker 1: and uh and Merry Christmas, I Gang Christmas, secad or whatever.

903
00:55:06,560 --> 00:55:14,840
Speaker 1: Mary laying on your couch holiday holiday holidays, religious support

904
00:55:14,880 --> 00:55:14,920
Speaker 1: you