WEBVTT - Daddy Issues with Ariel B. and Joy Ellington 0:00:06.559 --> 0:00:09.360 Welcome to a Cross Generations where the voices of black 0:00:09.400 --> 0:00:14.320 women unite. I'm your host, Tiffany Frost. Tiffany Frost. Tiffany, 0:00:14.440 --> 0:00:17.840 we gather a season elder myself as the middle generation, 0:00:18.040 --> 0:00:22.599 and a vibrant young soul for engaging intergenerational conversations, prepared 0:00:22.600 --> 0:00:23.520 to engage or. 0:00:23.440 --> 0:00:27.000 Hear perspectives that no one else is happy. You know 0:00:27.080 --> 0:00:27.640 how we do. 0:00:28.120 --> 0:00:33.960 We create mess, creates that creates. Hi, everybody, I'm Tiffany 0:00:33.960 --> 0:00:36.839 Cross and I'm your host of Across Generations. All right, 0:00:36.920 --> 0:00:39.280 we have an exciting show coming up, and I want 0:00:39.320 --> 0:00:43.640 to start by saying how important black fathers are in 0:00:43.840 --> 0:00:47.479 our lives. Now listen. I am very aware that the 0:00:47.520 --> 0:00:50.440 media often gets it wrong and portrays this myst of 0:00:50.479 --> 0:00:53.840 the absentee black father, and we know the data does 0:00:53.880 --> 0:00:56.920 not support this. A study supported by the Center for 0:00:56.960 --> 0:00:59.760 Disease Control, members of Congress, and the distinguished gentlemen of 0:00:59.800 --> 0:01:03.080 them Mega Sci Fi Fraternity Incorporated, found that black fathers 0:01:03.160 --> 0:01:07.759 are actually, regardless of marital or socioeconomic status, more involved 0:01:07.800 --> 0:01:11.360 in their children's lives than any other racial group. So 0:01:11.480 --> 0:01:13.559 for all the black dads out there who are doing 0:01:13.560 --> 0:01:16.280 the damn thing, listen, brother, we salute you. So now 0:01:16.280 --> 0:01:18.520 that we've gotten that out of the land, acknowledge that 0:01:18.840 --> 0:01:21.680 I do want to acknowledge that there is another side 0:01:21.680 --> 0:01:24.360 of this coin, and that is how those of us 0:01:24.360 --> 0:01:26.640 who grew up with out fathers for so many reasons 0:01:26.680 --> 0:01:29.360 which we'll can into, we want to have that discussion now. 0:01:29.360 --> 0:01:32.400 For me personally, I was definitely a daddy's girl. My 0:01:32.480 --> 0:01:35.640 father treated me like a princess. But honey, Papa was 0:01:35.680 --> 0:01:37.919 a rolling stone. He and my mother would never marry. 0:01:38.200 --> 0:01:40.840 They obviously say together long enough to produce me and 0:01:40.880 --> 0:01:42.720 then it was over. And I really don't have a 0:01:42.760 --> 0:01:45.200 recollection of them being in a relationship. They had a 0:01:45.240 --> 0:01:46.840 relationship with each other, but they were not in a 0:01:46.959 --> 0:01:49.920 romantic relationship with each other. But my dad was always around. 0:01:50.000 --> 0:01:52.280 In fact, every Christmas Eve he would sleep on our 0:01:52.320 --> 0:01:54.080 sofa so he could be there with me in the 0:01:54.080 --> 0:01:57.120 morning when I opened my gifts. He drove a motorcycle. 0:01:57.560 --> 0:01:59.840 He picked me up whenever I has and he kicked it. 0:02:00.520 --> 0:02:02.440 And he never told me I couldn't go and my 0:02:02.520 --> 0:02:04.800 father were going to a cabaret. This is like an 0:02:04.840 --> 0:02:08.040 adult byob party. He'd take me right along with him, 0:02:08.040 --> 0:02:10.040 whether it was appropriate or not. He works in the 0:02:10.040 --> 0:02:13.120 city of Cleveland in a variety of rolls, painting streets 0:02:13.120 --> 0:02:16.560 and like driving big machines. He was hilarious. He was 0:02:16.560 --> 0:02:18.480 the life of a party and he never had any 0:02:18.560 --> 0:02:20.920 judgment for anyone. He used to give, like you know, 0:02:20.960 --> 0:02:22.880 those guys on the corner, he would give them liquor. 0:02:23.200 --> 0:02:25.600 Women on the corner, he would give them food. He 0:02:25.720 --> 0:02:28.600 was a great dad, but my father had a drinking problem. 0:02:28.680 --> 0:02:31.800 He drank a lot every single day. And while he 0:02:31.840 --> 0:02:34.560 created a loving environment for me, I really can't say 0:02:34.560 --> 0:02:37.760 that it was always appropriate. One of my earliest memories 0:02:37.840 --> 0:02:39.760 is sitting on my father's lap while he was in 0:02:39.800 --> 0:02:42.520 a cipher with his friends and they told him, like, hey, man, 0:02:42.560 --> 0:02:44.520 maybe you should put your daughter to bed. And my 0:02:44.639 --> 0:02:46.919 dad said, my daughter ain't gotta go nowhere. She want 0:02:46.960 --> 0:02:49.240 to sit right here on my lap. She's cool and 0:02:49.320 --> 0:02:51.720 she's going to know everything about life. So when these 0:02:51.800 --> 0:02:54.400 knuckleheads come along and try to play her, she will 0:02:54.440 --> 0:02:57.280 be ready. And they were rolling the weed and my 0:02:57.400 --> 0:03:00.560 dad asked, baby, tell him was this My little five 0:03:00.639 --> 0:03:05.840 year old self said, joint, this was my life. But 0:03:06.080 --> 0:03:09.000 the liquor had him in his grips. I remember him 0:03:09.120 --> 0:03:11.480 vomiting blood. He went in and out of the hospital, 0:03:11.560 --> 0:03:13.000 and so one day he went in and he didn't 0:03:13.000 --> 0:03:15.840 come out. He died of cirrhosis of the liver when 0:03:15.880 --> 0:03:18.240 I was eleven years old, and I feel that absence 0:03:18.520 --> 0:03:21.680 deeply now, just as I did then. So we talk 0:03:21.760 --> 0:03:24.800 a lot about daddy issues, and I want to invite 0:03:24.840 --> 0:03:27.600 you into this discussion, if you're so compelled, participate in 0:03:27.600 --> 0:03:30.320 the discussion as well. In our comments, I do read them, 0:03:30.480 --> 0:03:33.359 but I think it's an important conversation to have whether 0:03:33.440 --> 0:03:35.640 you have your father in your life or not, because 0:03:35.640 --> 0:03:38.240 we're going to talk about the relationship. So let's get 0:03:38.240 --> 0:03:40.640 into it. Doctor Joy Ellington is a mother of three. 0:03:40.720 --> 0:03:43.680 She's sixty four. She di a divorcee who currently works 0:03:43.720 --> 0:03:47.880 in the healthcare field, assisting underprivileged persons obtained health insurance. 0:03:48.240 --> 0:03:51.080 She was born in Alabama, raised in California, and the 0:03:51.160 --> 0:03:54.720 relationship with her father was strained her entire life, and 0:03:54.800 --> 0:03:57.720 even though he was not present, she found herself constantly 0:03:57.840 --> 0:04:01.600 seeking his approval even up until his death two years ago. 0:04:02.040 --> 0:04:04.480 And we also have with us Ariel b. She's a 0:04:04.480 --> 0:04:07.160 thirty three year old medical coder and podcast host of 0:04:07.200 --> 0:04:10.600 this two show passed she has never met her biological 0:04:10.640 --> 0:04:13.640 father and has spent many years searching for him. As 0:04:13.640 --> 0:04:15.840 a mother of five, she finds it very difficult to 0:04:15.880 --> 0:04:18.520 relate to her children who seek a father figure, due 0:04:18.560 --> 0:04:20.840 to her not feeling she really needed that growing up. 0:04:21.200 --> 0:04:24.400 She is, currently, however, realizing how the absence of a 0:04:24.440 --> 0:04:27.800 father may have caused how she navigated her relationship with 0:04:27.880 --> 0:04:30.560 men as an adult, which I think is something we 0:04:30.600 --> 0:04:33.200 can all relate to. So I thank you ladies for 0:04:33.279 --> 0:04:36.320 being here. Thank you, and I'm really excited to have 0:04:36.400 --> 0:04:39.760 this conversation because you know, when the two people in 0:04:39.800 --> 0:04:41.880 your life who are supposed to love you the most, 0:04:41.960 --> 0:04:45.640 your mother and your father, when those relationships are strained 0:04:45.839 --> 0:04:49.400 or go awry, it impacts how we live our entire 0:04:49.440 --> 0:04:50.640 lives as adults. 0:04:51.040 --> 0:04:53.880 So doctor Joy, I will starting with you. Tell me 0:04:54.240 --> 0:04:58.640 what was the relationship with your father. It was interesting 0:04:59.000 --> 0:05:01.920 in that mother and father divorced when I was one, 0:05:02.560 --> 0:05:07.800 so that's very early. And at that time, my mother 0:05:07.880 --> 0:05:11.120 and I moved to California, so I lived there for 0:05:11.440 --> 0:05:16.719 several years before my grandmother got sick. So my relationship 0:05:16.760 --> 0:05:19.839 with my father wasn't in existence. But then when I 0:05:19.880 --> 0:05:23.320 went back to Mobile, then we did have a relationship. 0:05:23.320 --> 0:05:25.719 He would come and pick me up every weekend, something 0:05:25.800 --> 0:05:30.360 similar to what you had with your father. But then 0:05:30.400 --> 0:05:32.920 when I moved back to California, then it began to 0:05:32.960 --> 0:05:38.960 be strained again, somewhat impacted by my stepmother. There were 0:05:39.080 --> 0:05:42.760 some conflicts there. When I would go back to Mobile 0:05:43.120 --> 0:05:45.920 for visits, he was ever present, so it was like 0:05:46.360 --> 0:05:50.120 if we were in each other's company, there was a relationship. 0:05:50.480 --> 0:05:52.800 When I was out of sight, it was like I 0:05:52.880 --> 0:05:55.920 was out of mind. That was the strain that was there. 0:05:56.080 --> 0:06:01.599 Yeah, well, who was responsible for that? He proactively call 0:06:01.680 --> 0:06:03.680 you and see you or as a child, were you 0:06:04.040 --> 0:06:06.560 adult eyes in a way where you were the one 0:06:06.839 --> 0:06:08.080 keeping that relationship alive. 0:06:08.440 --> 0:06:10.240 I would say I was the one that was keeping 0:06:10.240 --> 0:06:13.960 that relationship alive while I was living in California. 0:06:14.120 --> 0:06:16.760 I mean, it's hard to kind of comprehend that as 0:06:16.800 --> 0:06:20.080 a child. But how did that make you feel that? 0:06:20.760 --> 0:06:22.600 I guess did you feel like this relationship was not 0:06:22.760 --> 0:06:25.360 viable on its own if you were not the one 0:06:25.440 --> 0:06:27.200 keeping it alive? And if so, how did that make 0:06:27.200 --> 0:06:27.880 you feel? 0:06:28.400 --> 0:06:31.880 That's very challenging and the reason why I'm saying is 0:06:32.000 --> 0:06:35.400 very challenging. Many times, when people go through a divorce, 0:06:36.000 --> 0:06:39.560 one of the parents or both parents often feed a 0:06:39.560 --> 0:06:43.960 lot of negativity into the relationship, speaking about one parent 0:06:44.080 --> 0:06:47.960 versus another. But my mother didn't do that. My mother 0:06:48.120 --> 0:06:52.039 was very kind and that whatever your father is, he 0:06:52.200 --> 0:06:55.320 will reveal it. And so that was always the message 0:06:55.360 --> 0:06:57.640 in the back of my head that I'm going to 0:06:57.680 --> 0:07:00.560 see who you are, who I am to you, and 0:07:00.600 --> 0:07:04.000 who you are to me. You will demonstrate that. So 0:07:05.680 --> 0:07:09.800 building that relationship or continuously making the conversation that was 0:07:09.840 --> 0:07:14.560 frustrating because I felt that he should have. However, I 0:07:14.680 --> 0:07:18.240 had another savior, per se, and that was my stepfather, 0:07:18.680 --> 0:07:23.000 So he stepped into the role. Though I didn't feel abandoned. 0:07:23.480 --> 0:07:27.240 I had some issues of abandonment of why not me, 0:07:27.680 --> 0:07:31.800 But looking at the dynamics of his relationship with his 0:07:31.880 --> 0:07:34.760 wife and my brothers, that was different. 0:07:34.920 --> 0:07:38.240 Yeah. Can I ask you a question, Yes, your stepfather 0:07:38.760 --> 0:07:42.040 stepped in and loved you appropriately like he was present 0:07:42.040 --> 0:07:44.920 in your life. Oh, by far still is today. I 0:07:44.920 --> 0:07:48.480 feel like sometimes as mothers we remarry hoping that that 0:07:48.560 --> 0:07:51.400 void gets filled. Did that feel the void of your 0:07:51.520 --> 0:07:55.960 father being absent or now? Oh, definitely, because he loved me. 0:07:56.360 --> 0:07:59.640 I'll give you a story, and this is very funny. 0:08:00.560 --> 0:08:02.960 I wanted to go to a dance that was taking 0:08:03.000 --> 0:08:05.880 place at a club, and my mother said, definitely, you 0:08:05.920 --> 0:08:07.680 can't go. And I said, I know what to do. 0:08:08.120 --> 0:08:10.240 I'll go to my stepfather and I'll ask him. 0:08:10.800 --> 0:08:13.080 And he told me. He said no, you can't go. 0:08:13.680 --> 0:08:16.000 And I was so angry and I was so hurt. 0:08:16.120 --> 0:08:20.520 I began to cry, and he just held me and said, baby, 0:08:20.720 --> 0:08:23.280 that's just not the place for you to go. That's 0:08:23.320 --> 0:08:26.120 the It's not that I don't trust you, I don't 0:08:26.200 --> 0:08:29.360 trust them. So he stepped in in a different manner, 0:08:29.840 --> 0:08:33.160 or he stepped in as that father father figure to 0:08:33.360 --> 0:08:37.280 secure me of understanding. It wasn't just a no, it 0:08:37.360 --> 0:08:40.120 was I'm protecting you for the rest of your life. 0:08:40.240 --> 0:08:45.559 How old were you, oh, fourteen. 0:08:46.240 --> 0:08:48.600 That's why I think it's so important to acknowledge that, yes, 0:08:48.679 --> 0:08:51.719 black men are our presents in our lives, whether they're 0:08:51.720 --> 0:08:54.760 a biological father or not. There are fathers who are 0:08:54.760 --> 0:08:57.520 out there doing great things. And I hate this narrative 0:08:57.600 --> 0:09:01.400 of this like absentee black father, because they do exist. 0:09:01.559 --> 0:09:04.480 But I'm happy that you brought this up because your 0:09:04.800 --> 0:09:08.760 fatherhood story is different, I think from doctor Joy. So 0:09:08.840 --> 0:09:13.720 tell me your relationship with your father and your story. Okay, 0:09:13.800 --> 0:09:16.840 So I have a mother and a father, and until 0:09:16.960 --> 0:09:21.520 I was like twenty six, twenty seven, my understanding of 0:09:21.559 --> 0:09:23.960 them being my parents was that they were my parents. 0:09:24.440 --> 0:09:26.840 I didn't find out so I was twenty six that 0:09:26.960 --> 0:09:30.960 was adopted. So that so neither of your parents are 0:09:30.960 --> 0:09:35.360 your biological parent, either one neither one of them. But 0:09:35.480 --> 0:09:37.560 growing up, I did not know that I was adopted 0:09:37.559 --> 0:09:39.240 by black people. I think it was different. I was 0:09:39.280 --> 0:09:43.000 like an Asian household, but everyone was Caucasian. They were 0:09:43.040 --> 0:09:45.959 not yeah, And I mean my grandmother, my mother always 0:09:46.000 --> 0:09:48.120 said Jesus makes everyone different. And when you were in 0:09:48.160 --> 0:09:50.480 a big black family, there are different shades of black. 0:09:51.360 --> 0:09:53.720 So it wasn't uncommon. Some of my cousins have the 0:09:53.720 --> 0:09:55.640 same mother and father and there is one that's lighter 0:09:55.679 --> 0:09:57.480 span complexion and one that's not. 0:09:57.760 --> 0:09:58.120 Yeah. 0:09:58.160 --> 0:10:00.240 So I didn't look around it and say anything. We 0:10:00.240 --> 0:10:04.120 were all African American everyone, so I did not question it. Ever, 0:10:04.679 --> 0:10:07.840 I wasn't loved wrong. I wasn't I didn't spend like 0:10:07.840 --> 0:10:10.120 the first five years in foster care. I was adopted 0:10:10.160 --> 0:10:13.240 from birth so within forty eight hours I was there 0:10:13.280 --> 0:10:16.880 in their custody. So it wasn't until I got to 0:10:16.960 --> 0:10:20.240 be twenty six twenty seven then I figured out that 0:10:20.280 --> 0:10:26.880 they were not my biological parents. How did that feel 0:10:26.920 --> 0:10:30.800 at twenty seven, twenty six, twenty seven, to have your 0:10:30.960 --> 0:10:32.800 entire worlds disrupted? 0:10:33.080 --> 0:10:33.280 You know? 0:10:35.240 --> 0:10:37.840 I kind of felt like the family secret. I felt 0:10:37.920 --> 0:10:40.640 like someone or something along the way thought that I 0:10:40.720 --> 0:10:44.439 wasn't capable of understanding that information. I felt like I 0:10:44.640 --> 0:10:49.000 was belittled or maybe thought to not be able to understand, 0:10:49.080 --> 0:10:52.240 kind of like it's too much for her. By then 0:10:52.280 --> 0:10:55.199 twenty six twenty seven, I was married, I had four kids. 0:10:55.600 --> 0:10:58.000 That means every single time I gave birth or went 0:10:58.040 --> 0:11:00.560 to the doctor, I checked out health and that had 0:11:00.600 --> 0:11:04.359 nothing to do with me, and everyone thought that was appropriate. 0:11:05.400 --> 0:11:07.160 So I think that's where I kind of felt slighted. 0:11:07.280 --> 0:11:10.160 I felt like someone should have stepped in and said something, 0:11:10.240 --> 0:11:12.280 even for the health of me or my kids. Anything 0:11:12.360 --> 0:11:16.240 could have happened, and no one thought was the same 0:11:16.320 --> 0:11:16.679 thing to me. 0:11:16.720 --> 0:11:18.680 I don't think about the health aspect of it, yes, 0:11:18.720 --> 0:11:22.520 but I think that there it was depending on the time. Yes, 0:11:23.559 --> 0:11:26.960 I have a brother that's the same he did. He 0:11:27.000 --> 0:11:31.160 was unaware that my stepfather was not his father because 0:11:31.520 --> 0:11:34.480 my stepfather came on board when he was one. That's 0:11:34.520 --> 0:11:39.120 the only daddy that he's ever known. And when that happened, 0:11:39.200 --> 0:11:43.080 when it was revealed that it was he felt slighted, 0:11:43.400 --> 0:11:46.600 such as yourself. I don't know what that feels like 0:11:47.440 --> 0:11:53.199 for me. Watching the dynamics of family, I think that motherhood, 0:11:53.840 --> 0:11:57.920 fatherhood is all who really stepped to the plate to 0:11:58.040 --> 0:12:01.880 perform right. I do understand the biological part because we 0:12:01.920 --> 0:12:05.720 want to know what the truth is, right. But even 0:12:05.800 --> 0:12:08.480 with knowing the truth, the truth to me is who 0:12:08.559 --> 0:12:12.559 really stepped up to the break. That's my feelings about right. 0:12:13.559 --> 0:12:14.240 How was your. 0:12:15.760 --> 0:12:19.080 Adoptive parents? Did you feel connected to them? Did you 0:12:19.120 --> 0:12:21.319 have a good childhood? I felt connected. 0:12:21.800 --> 0:12:22.280 I was. 0:12:22.400 --> 0:12:24.560 I can never say that I wasn't loved or provided 0:12:24.600 --> 0:12:27.480 for or protected. I grew up very well and went 0:12:27.520 --> 0:12:29.520 to good schools. I was in a good neighborhood. I 0:12:29.679 --> 0:12:33.120 went to the best summer camps. I think I was. 0:12:33.360 --> 0:12:35.840 I was fine, And I think that's why a part 0:12:35.880 --> 0:12:39.760 of me always felt guilty looking for my biological family, 0:12:39.760 --> 0:12:42.000 because I wasn't raised bad. I feel like sometimes people 0:12:42.040 --> 0:12:44.640 only think you deserve to look, You deserve to know 0:12:44.880 --> 0:12:45.440 if you grew. 0:12:45.360 --> 0:12:48.000 Up in foster care, or if you were abused. 0:12:47.520 --> 0:12:51.280 Or but I genuinely, out of curiosity, wanted to know 0:12:51.720 --> 0:12:55.720 who I was the facets of me. But my parents 0:12:55.760 --> 0:12:58.439 were great. So you're so your adoptive father, you did 0:12:58.440 --> 0:13:01.480 have a relationship with him, Yeah, say raised me from birth? Okay, 0:13:01.520 --> 0:13:04.520 But you had a good relationship, a healthy relationship relationship 0:13:04.559 --> 0:13:09.360 with him. So then how does not having or I 0:13:09.360 --> 0:13:13.319 guess does not having or knowing even who your biological 0:13:13.400 --> 0:13:17.280 father is. Is that a challenge for you and if so, 0:13:17.320 --> 0:13:19.720 how does that challenge show up in your everyday life. 0:13:20.040 --> 0:13:22.840 It's a challenge for me only because I did not 0:13:23.200 --> 0:13:27.000 I do not today currently know a name, a face, age, 0:13:27.120 --> 0:13:31.160 anything of my biological father. But meeting the woman that 0:13:31.240 --> 0:13:34.240 burst me. So you did meet her biological brother, tell 0:13:34.320 --> 0:13:36.120 us about that. There was a lot of me and her. 0:13:36.360 --> 0:13:39.760 I saw a lot of the facets of nature versus 0:13:39.880 --> 0:13:43.520 nurture in that woman. Things that I could not connect 0:13:43.559 --> 0:13:45.960 with on my biological side that I said as a child, 0:13:46.000 --> 0:13:48.520 there's home videos of me saying as a kid, I 0:13:48.559 --> 0:13:52.000 don't think I'm from here. I was four there was 0:13:52.080 --> 0:13:54.840 no reason why I should say that out loud. And 0:13:54.880 --> 0:13:57.280 it was a lot of my family. Like I said, 0:13:57.480 --> 0:14:01.520 everyone in my family is great aunts, uncle, everyone married, 0:14:02.120 --> 0:14:04.880 no issues, all kids from the same household. When I 0:14:04.880 --> 0:14:08.199 found my biological mother, she's one of a lot. I'm 0:14:08.200 --> 0:14:09.679 not going to lie and say that I have all 0:14:09.720 --> 0:14:12.640 the details. It's more than eight And I figured out 0:14:12.679 --> 0:14:16.520 that there's not one woman that's married. Every woman has 0:14:16.720 --> 0:14:21.400 multiple children with different fathers. The facets of you know, 0:14:21.840 --> 0:14:26.560 domestic violence or divorces high. I felt like I carried 0:14:27.480 --> 0:14:31.520 something genetic that wasn't seen in the home that I 0:14:31.600 --> 0:14:33.640 was grown up in. But I saw a lot of 0:14:34.480 --> 0:14:38.160 the facets that I think in my adopted household were 0:14:38.200 --> 0:14:47.280 seen as unruly or rebellious, or loudspoken or sexually inquisitive 0:14:47.320 --> 0:14:51.760 at an early age. Was there in that biological family's household. 0:14:52.120 --> 0:14:56.720 And it was so normal that I was able. It 0:14:56.760 --> 0:14:59.640 was like a sheep shedding its like I'd never been 0:14:59.680 --> 0:15:04.000 looked at and so understood than when I sat in 0:15:04.040 --> 0:15:08.120 that lady's house. That raises a question of nature versus nurture. 0:15:08.360 --> 0:15:10.720 Did you ask her about your father? I did, and 0:15:10.800 --> 0:15:13.160 what she said. Now, when I found out I was adopted. 0:15:13.200 --> 0:15:16.080 It was not in the best circumstances. It was told me, 0:15:16.120 --> 0:15:17.840 you have mistake to this stay currently. I was never 0:15:17.840 --> 0:15:20.840 supposed to know. So in a safety security posit deposit 0:15:20.880 --> 0:15:24.120 box downtown, if my parents were to pass or pass together, 0:15:24.160 --> 0:15:26.920 that boxes to be destroyed. I was never supposed to 0:15:26.920 --> 0:15:27.960 know that was the intent. 0:15:29.040 --> 0:15:29.520 With time. 0:15:29.560 --> 0:15:31.480 My father told me, how do you ever tell the 0:15:31.560 --> 0:15:33.320 child you prayed for and that you love that she's 0:15:33.400 --> 0:15:35.640 not yours? When do I sit you down and look 0:15:35.720 --> 0:15:38.240 you in the face and tell you you're not mine? 0:15:38.800 --> 0:15:40.720 He's like, I never thought about it again. Once I 0:15:40.760 --> 0:15:43.480 signed that paper and I raised you, I never it 0:15:43.520 --> 0:15:46.080 never crossed my mind again. You were mine, I was yours, 0:15:46.080 --> 0:15:50.720 and we life went on. I found in biological mother 0:15:50.760 --> 0:15:53.480 on Facebook, so wonderful network were you put in people's 0:15:53.480 --> 0:15:55.400 first and last name? Is not like Instagram where people 0:15:55.440 --> 0:15:58.560 change their hashtags. So I found her on there, and 0:15:59.520 --> 0:16:02.480 all I had was a safety deposit box of pictures 0:16:02.480 --> 0:16:05.760 of children because I'm a product of two teenage children, 0:16:06.320 --> 0:16:08.520 the same way my child was a product of two 0:16:08.560 --> 0:16:11.640 teenage children. But no one in my adopted family had 0:16:11.680 --> 0:16:15.280 ever had teenage pregnancy ever, So yeah, I only had 0:16:15.280 --> 0:16:17.360 a picture of a young girl tenth grade and a 0:16:17.400 --> 0:16:20.040 young boy tenth grade. But I'm looking for them twenty 0:16:20.080 --> 0:16:25.240 seven years later with a childhood school OCPS picture. I 0:16:25.280 --> 0:16:27.400 did find the gentleman online, the same way I found 0:16:27.400 --> 0:16:30.120 a biological mother through Facebook. He told me that he 0:16:30.200 --> 0:16:33.000 carried the shame of me for a long time that 0:16:33.440 --> 0:16:35.720 giving me up for adoption. His family at that time 0:16:35.760 --> 0:16:38.720 actually had to move because you know, you were supposed 0:16:38.720 --> 0:16:40.400 to have raised the kids you birth, and they chose 0:16:40.440 --> 0:16:43.760 a different option. So he said, no disrespect to you, 0:16:44.080 --> 0:16:46.880 but I'd like to get a DNA test. I've never known. 0:16:47.080 --> 0:16:49.840 I knew she birthed a child. I knew you didn't stay, 0:16:49.880 --> 0:16:52.600 but I don't know. And I was in tenth grade 0:16:52.600 --> 0:16:55.000 and this is a grown man now, So who am 0:16:55.040 --> 0:16:55.480 I to say? 0:16:55.480 --> 0:16:55.560 Oh? 0:16:55.640 --> 0:16:57.560 No, just love me for who are no? I need 0:16:57.560 --> 0:16:59.520 to know too. I was just as lost as he was. 0:17:00.440 --> 0:17:03.200 We went to there's a DNA center in Orlando, Florida. 0:17:04.160 --> 0:17:06.160 He said, I'll pay for your test, and I'll pay 0:17:06.160 --> 0:17:08.760 for mine. He paid for himself, and he went first. 0:17:09.080 --> 0:17:11.040 That day that he went, I had to work, so 0:17:11.080 --> 0:17:14.040 I went the next day, checked myself in. I asked 0:17:14.080 --> 0:17:16.200 if my test was already paid for. The lady at 0:17:16.240 --> 0:17:19.040 the clerk desk confirmed that it was. I sat down, 0:17:19.080 --> 0:17:21.239 I let them swab me, and I sat there, and 0:17:21.280 --> 0:17:23.720 then in two weeks I got an email and none 0:17:23.760 --> 0:17:28.879 of our genes matched. So he was not your biological father. Wow, 0:17:30.160 --> 0:17:32.240 so we still don't know who your biological father? 0:17:32.359 --> 0:17:34.879 Now? Did you go back and have to confront your 0:17:34.920 --> 0:17:35.800 mother with this info? 0:17:35.960 --> 0:17:37.800 The only thing is, it's hard to confront someone I 0:17:37.840 --> 0:17:40.280 don't have relationship with, like long term. 0:17:40.320 --> 0:17:42.480 It's hard for me to push. I feel like I 0:17:42.480 --> 0:17:43.280 can push. 0:17:43.080 --> 0:17:45.199 My mother that raised me because I'm like, well, we 0:17:45.200 --> 0:17:47.480 were raised with good standards and yeah, honesty of the 0:17:47.520 --> 0:17:50.959 best policy. It's hard for me to lay who I 0:17:51.040 --> 0:17:53.040 am on someone, even though I know she loved me, 0:17:53.080 --> 0:17:54.399 and I know she looked for me, and it was 0:17:54.400 --> 0:17:56.920 a teenage pregnancy, It's hard for me to push her. 0:17:57.200 --> 0:17:59.159 She was very adamant that that's the only person I 0:17:59.200 --> 0:18:05.000 slept with, grade she had no other answer. M and 0:18:05.359 --> 0:18:07.760 I thought it was always a little weird, a little eerie. 0:18:08.320 --> 0:18:11.199 I did do the whole genetics thing that's online with 0:18:11.280 --> 0:18:13.880 the apps the DNA and me a DNA and whatever, 0:18:14.880 --> 0:18:17.359 and my uh, it says that I'm related to a 0:18:17.359 --> 0:18:20.040 lot of people with the last name that is in 0:18:20.119 --> 0:18:22.440 her family, so I kind of stopped. 0:18:23.400 --> 0:18:24.920 To a lot of people in her family. 0:18:25.040 --> 0:18:27.560 The last name is similar to a lot of people 0:18:27.960 --> 0:18:30.879 that are related on like her stepdad's side of the family. 0:18:30.920 --> 0:18:32.919 So that made me pause. I didn't know if I 0:18:33.000 --> 0:18:35.240 was going to make her relift something. I didn't know 0:18:35.240 --> 0:18:41.280 if this was a stepfather, a step brother, and I 0:18:41.600 --> 0:18:44.960 let it go for the mental health of a woman 0:18:45.000 --> 0:18:46.960 that I felt like at that time had changed her 0:18:46.960 --> 0:18:49.800 life and was doing good for herself and she was 0:18:49.840 --> 0:18:51.960 happy with just finding me, and I kind of just 0:18:52.119 --> 0:18:53.080 left it. 0:18:53.080 --> 0:18:55.119 It was weird. I always thought it was a little eerie. 0:18:55.160 --> 0:18:56.320 The last name was due match. 0:18:56.440 --> 0:18:59.960 Like they'll say this genetics of your DNA is really 0:19:00.200 --> 0:19:02.800 to people, and it will say mother's side, and mother's 0:19:02.880 --> 0:19:05.720 side has all the last names of her side. Then 0:19:05.720 --> 0:19:08.680 it will say father's last name. Let's just throw out Johnson, 0:19:09.280 --> 0:19:12.639 but that Johnson's side, let's say, is just from the 0:19:12.720 --> 0:19:14.000 stepfather's side. 0:19:14.680 --> 0:19:18.960 So that gave me pause. And I don't want incestuous. 0:19:19.080 --> 0:19:21.720 It could have been a child was touched and I 0:19:21.880 --> 0:19:25.400 just didn't I just didn't want to, so it's possible 0:19:25.440 --> 0:19:28.639 that you are the product of sexual abuse correct and 0:19:28.680 --> 0:19:31.320 potentially incestuous sexual abuse food a stepfather. 0:19:31.480 --> 0:19:31.840 Correct. 0:19:32.640 --> 0:19:37.720 That is a lot to Carrie as somebody how knowing that, 0:19:37.960 --> 0:19:39.920 How did that show up in your I mean, you're 0:19:39.920 --> 0:19:42.960 finding us out at twenty six and twenty seven year divorce. 0:19:43.119 --> 0:19:45.040 It was Yeah, it was just hard. I just felt 0:19:45.080 --> 0:19:47.680 like I didn't want I never got a yes or 0:19:47.760 --> 0:19:49.600 no answer. I don't even know if that is correct. R. 0:19:49.600 --> 0:19:52.800 I didn't want to peel back trauma for someone who 0:19:52.880 --> 0:19:55.000 I was taken from her. Her mother said absolutely not. 0:19:55.520 --> 0:19:57.560 I have seven kids. I'm struggling to feed these seven. 0:19:57.640 --> 0:19:59.639 You will birth her because that was their face and 0:19:59.640 --> 0:20:02.800 the really, but she will not stay here. So she 0:20:03.000 --> 0:20:05.119 had that trauma, She had a lot of me being 0:20:05.200 --> 0:20:06.919 taken from her. They said, oh, we're just gonna go 0:20:06.960 --> 0:20:09.400 check her vitals, and I never went back to her room. 0:20:09.760 --> 0:20:10.760 This was a tenth second. 0:20:11.119 --> 0:20:14.840 Yeah, I didn't want to tear her down because I 0:20:14.840 --> 0:20:16.960 feel like, no matter what she went through for me 0:20:17.000 --> 0:20:20.040 to get there, I lived a good life and and 0:20:20.240 --> 0:20:22.040 a part of me just wanted to be grateful for that. 0:20:22.400 --> 0:20:24.600 Now you brought up something, I'm gonna step back a 0:20:24.600 --> 0:20:28.359 little bit because I've gone through that this this year. Yeah, 0:20:28.400 --> 0:20:33.120