1
00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:08,319
Speaker 1: With a recondredness. All right, I'll tell my bombing story

2
00:00:08,320 --> 00:00:10,440
Speaker 1: to kind of like you could make you comfort, make

3
00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:15,720
Speaker 1: you more comfort comfortable. I was in Port Arthur, Texas,

4
00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:19,279
Speaker 1: in East Texas, and I was very poor at this time.

5
00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:22,120
Speaker 1: I was like in my early twenties, doing any stand

6
00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:25,759
Speaker 1: up I could, and I did. I did what was

7
00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:29,680
Speaker 1: called a NAKA convention. I don't remember what it stands

8
00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:35,760
Speaker 1: for North American Campus Activities or something National National Association

9
00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:38,519
Speaker 1: of Campus Activities. I actually if you slay there on

10
00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:41,840
Speaker 1: a college kid level, if you see a career, if

11
00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:44,159
Speaker 1: you have but it's like college is a our business,

12
00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:46,240
Speaker 1: and they're just like do being eighteen year olds in

13
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:49,600
Speaker 1: two chalking up the cash. So they have all this

14
00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:53,960
Speaker 1: money for campus activities. You do these like regional conventions

15
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:57,440
Speaker 1: all over the town and like you're basically this buffet

16
00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:01,320
Speaker 1: table for some nineteen year old idiot to go, hey,

17
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:03,480
Speaker 1: you're great, play at my college. So I did the

18
00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:08,600
Speaker 1: NAKA Convention, the Central Time Zone NAKA Convention in Little Rock, Arkansas.

19
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,480
Speaker 1: I bombed. And then one kid was like, dude, you

20
00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:15,800
Speaker 1: got to play in my school in pat Poort Arthur Man.

21
00:01:15,959 --> 00:01:18,800
Speaker 1: He and I was like, all right, was he like,

22
00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:22,960
Speaker 1: go Port Arthur Tons. He was like, did he have

23
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:26,480
Speaker 1: a tiger te No, he was actually like that, he

24
00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:30,360
Speaker 1: was the demon the refuse, very sweet. So he goes, yeah, come,

25
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:33,440
Speaker 1: you gotta play fucking pat. I go, okay, great whatever.

26
00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:35,839
Speaker 1: I'm like twenty four years old and I'm like totally broke.

27
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:38,600
Speaker 1: And Michellevute would do these with me too, and I

28
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:43,479
Speaker 1: would she would see me spiral so I and then

29
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:44,960
Speaker 1: the college just gives you a flat fee and you

30
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,480
Speaker 1: got to book your own flight in your own hotel

31
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,680
Speaker 1: out of the fee they gave you whatever. So and

32
00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,680
Speaker 1: and it's like there's no direct flight to Port Arthur,

33
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,840
Speaker 1: Texas from New York, so you have to go on

34
00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,960
Speaker 1: a little like Fisher Price playing towards the end of

35
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:58,560
Speaker 1: your journey. And then the kid picked over the school.

36
00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:01,800
Speaker 1: He's like, hey man, we got the biggest KKK population.

37
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,480
Speaker 1: You could talk about that and you're stand up skids.

38
00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:07,360
Speaker 1: So I was like, oh shit, can't wait. So I

39
00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:10,800
Speaker 1: get and it was like three in the afternoon. We

40
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:15,519
Speaker 1: land at his college and there's little like dilapidated sad

41
00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:18,360
Speaker 1: auditorium that looked like it was built in the eighties

42
00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:21,160
Speaker 1: and like hadn't changed a bit, looked like it still

43
00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:24,280
Speaker 1: had asbestos in the popcorn ceiling. It was just really

44
00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:27,519
Speaker 1: like rundown. And then he goes, oh, you're not doing

45
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:30,359
Speaker 1: stand up, You're hosting a talent show. And I was like,

46
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:35,680
Speaker 1: uh huh. And I go out into the stage and

47
00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:39,400
Speaker 1: it was like all it was like probably maybe one

48
00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:43,720
Speaker 1: hundred seat theater and there was like twenty people there.

49
00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:46,440
Speaker 1: It was like just like groups of people peppercart, like

50
00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:49,920
Speaker 1: scarcely packed. It's four three or four in the afternoon.

51
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:53,120
Speaker 1: Not a good, not conducer to comedy. Nobody's paying attention.

52
00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:56,359
Speaker 1: It's moms with their kids that look like totally tired,

53
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:58,320
Speaker 1: like they had too many kids, and like they're just

54
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:01,400
Speaker 1: resenting life. And then and this is sad. And I'm

55
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:07,000
Speaker 1: not saying this to be insensitive, but I'm just saying,

56
00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:12,120
Speaker 1: like how nonconducive this was to comedy. In the front row,

57
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:17,280
Speaker 1: the entire front row was severely disabled children in wheelchairs

58
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:21,360
Speaker 1: with no limbs, and they like pushed their wheelchair with

59
00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:23,840
Speaker 1: like by blowing it like Stephen hawk worse and Stephen

60
00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:30,320
Speaker 1: Hawking like, and they were shouting out like vocalizations throughout

61
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:33,519
Speaker 1: the whole show, and you can't on stand up. You

62
00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:35,840
Speaker 1: want to be able to like ras everybody and make

63
00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:38,119
Speaker 1: fun of anything and call out the awkwardness in the room.

64
00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:42,000
Speaker 1: But kids with that, and there was like ten of them,

65
00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:47,480
Speaker 1: and kids would like that severe genetic defects. You're like,

66
00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:50,080
Speaker 1: I can't make fun I'm gonna bomb. I know I'm

67
00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:52,920
Speaker 1: going into this and I'm gonna bomb, and I definitely

68
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:57,440
Speaker 1: can't make fun of these kids or like call out

69
00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:00,480
Speaker 1: the fact that they're like blurting out like screen and

70
00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:03,200
Speaker 1: yelling and like. But I'm like, but it's the elephant

71
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,560
Speaker 1: in the room. So my comedy brain wants to like

72
00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:07,560
Speaker 1: make a joke about it, but I can't. I was like,

73
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,480
Speaker 1: how do I throw this needle? And there's little kids

74
00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:13,840
Speaker 1: in the audience, so I can't do anything graphic or

75
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,240
Speaker 1: R rated. So I'm like and I'm like, when I'm

76
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,440
Speaker 1: twenty three years old, I have no g rated material.

77
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:22,040
Speaker 1: So I just went out there and I was like,

78
00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:27,120
Speaker 1: I have no material that is for anybody in this

79
00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:29,960
Speaker 1: I barely had any material to begin with at that age,

80
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:34,560
Speaker 1: but I had no material that was anything for anybody here.

81
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,280
Speaker 1: So I was like, I'm just gonna talk. I'm going

82
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:40,240
Speaker 1: to bring up these acts as quick as possible. I'm

83
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:42,440
Speaker 1: going to jump out into the crowd and do crowd work.

84
00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:47,640
Speaker 1: And I've never bombed harder in my entire life or

85
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:51,359
Speaker 1: felt more uncomfortable. And everybody instantly hated me, didn't know

86
00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,960
Speaker 1: what was going on, was talking amongst each other, didn't

87
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:57,839
Speaker 1: know what my purpose was there. Only the kid that

88
00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,599
Speaker 1: booked me was like had like a half like a

89
00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:05,320
Speaker 1: fucking triangle face smile. And I'm still traumatized by that.

90
00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:08,040
Speaker 1: That and opening up the like fourth or fifth time

91
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:11,120
Speaker 1: I opened up for Chris Rock, I bombed really really hard.

92
00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:15,040
Speaker 1: And then like celebrities go to his shows because he's

93
00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:18,120
Speaker 1: Chris Rock. He's like, you know, one of the greatest

94
00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:21,720
Speaker 1: of all time. And my agent called me, he goes,

95
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:23,640
Speaker 1: did you bomb opening up for Chris Rock the other night?

96
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:26,919
Speaker 1: I go yeah, and he goes yeah. Anthony Mackie was

97
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,279
Speaker 1: in my office the other day and he said, you

98
00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:31,320
Speaker 1: were the worst stand up comic he's ever seen in

99
00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:35,039
Speaker 1: his life. I was like, oh cool, thanks. John. The

100
00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:38,719
Speaker 1: Falcon The Falcon The falcon Man Show, the guy that

101
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:42,120
Speaker 1: fucking stands at a fucking child suit in front of

102
00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:45,480
Speaker 1: a green screen and goes there's a bad guy lasers

103
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:48,120
Speaker 1: over there. I was so mad at Anthony Mackie. I

104
00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:50,120
Speaker 1: didn't even know who Anthony Mackey was when my my

105
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:51,800
Speaker 1: agent told me that. And then I like looked him

106
00:05:51,839 --> 00:05:53,560
Speaker 1: up and I was like, I'm fucking mad at that guy.

107
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:57,800
Speaker 1: But like in his defense, I did. I stunk it up.

108
00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:00,280
Speaker 1: Like if I saw me open up for Chris, I'd

109
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:02,960
Speaker 1: be like, what the fuck is going on? So I

110
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:07,159
Speaker 1: saw him. I did the MTV Movie Awards last year

111
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,599
Speaker 1: or like whatever I was. I was, you're a persenter.

112
00:06:09,839 --> 00:06:12,320
Speaker 1: I was a presenter and I was nominated, So I

113
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:14,880
Speaker 1: hop out of my car to do the red carpet.

114
00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:17,279
Speaker 1: But he's right in front of me. He's like, he's

115
00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:19,039
Speaker 1: on the red carpet, right in front of me. So

116
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:21,240
Speaker 1: I was like, this is my sweet revenge. I go oh,

117
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:23,000
Speaker 1: he was like hey, and he was like hey man.

118
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:24,839
Speaker 1: I could tell he like recognized me but didn't know

119
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,200
Speaker 1: through what. And I go, dude, you said and it

120
00:06:27,279 --> 00:06:28,680
Speaker 1: just like poured out of me. I was like, you said,

121
00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:31,560
Speaker 1: I bombed. I was the worst stand up comic you've

122
00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,279
Speaker 1: ever seen in your life or something. But he was

123
00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:37,120
Speaker 1: just like, oh, hey, what's up. Yeah, he was like heck,

124
00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:41,400
Speaker 1: oh manute away, and then he's like going down the

125
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:44,160
Speaker 1: red carpet line and they were like, why are you

126
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:46,800
Speaker 1: excited for me? Then they started interviewing me, and I

127
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:49,920
Speaker 1: was like I was just like razing him the whole time,

128
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:52,520
Speaker 1: like really that. I was like, while the interviewers were

129
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,240
Speaker 1: interviewing me on the red carpet, they were like, what

130
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:56,120
Speaker 1: are you doing here? Why are you here? And I

131
00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,080
Speaker 1: was like, you don't need to interview me, You've got

132
00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:01,479
Speaker 1: to interview superhero. And the Mackie he stands in front

133
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:05,000
Speaker 1: of a green screen and goes, pu you Oh no,

134
00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:08,160
Speaker 1: the laser beam shot me, and I'm saying it like

135
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,440
Speaker 1: so it's like an earshot of him. And I keep

136
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:14,040
Speaker 1: everybody in every press stop on the red carpet. I'd

137
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,160
Speaker 1: be like, no, no, no, it's not about me tonight.

138
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:21,200
Speaker 1: It's about Anthony motherfucking Mackie. And I could tell you, like, shit,

139
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:28,920
Speaker 1: why am I in trouble? Call me with aery condre