Speaker 1: Call It What It Is with Jessica Kepshaw and Camille Ludington,
Speaker 1: an iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 2: Well, hello, call it Crewe we have another short and sweet.
Speaker 2: What do we have today?
Speaker 1: Well, I'm going to read you what Stephanie She's going
Speaker 1: to be joining us via zoom today.
Speaker 2: This is what she wrote, Love the Zooms, Love a Zoom.
Speaker 1: Stephanie, who had two heart attacks as a child, just
Speaker 1: got engaged and is so happy. But her overprotective mom
Speaker 1: sent her a text while she was at the cardiologist's
Speaker 1: office telling her to ask the doctor for permission and
Speaker 1: advice on what weight loss drug she can take so
Speaker 1: she can lose weight before her wedding. All of her
Speaker 1: insecure feelings about her body that went away are now back.
Speaker 1: How does she handle it? I have so many questions,
Speaker 1: So we need to talk to her. Yeah, I think
Speaker 1: we need to get curious first. I need to know
Speaker 1: a little bit more about what's happening.
Speaker 2: Hi Stephanie, Hello Stephanie.
Speaker 1: Hi, welcome to our Call It What It Is Short
Speaker 1: and Sweet episode. Okay, so we just read for our
Speaker 1: listeners the situation, and we have questions before we get
Speaker 1: into this. Congratulations on being engaged, So amazing. I want
Speaker 1: to know was this in any way a conversation between
Speaker 1: you and your mom before you went to the doctor.
Speaker 1: Were you saying, I would like to lose weight maybe
Speaker 1: I can look into and she was sort of prompting
Speaker 1: it that way, or No, this came out of left field.
Speaker 3: No, this was like all left field.
Speaker 2: Mom.
Speaker 3: I want to preface it with like, Okay, my mom
Speaker 3: and I have like a we're very similar, and so
Speaker 3: she has the best intentions, I think, but she just
Speaker 3: there's a line sometimes and she likes to cross it.
Speaker 2: Mom. Yeah, I love that you're assuming positive intent I
Speaker 2: really do, because it's so important. Right with the people
Speaker 2: that we love, it's easy to get uh, it's easy
Speaker 2: to get hurt, right, we're human. But I think the
Speaker 2: fact that you are assuming that she has your best
Speaker 2: interest in heart is great. Right, you guys really love
Speaker 2: each other. Yet that is still a stinger.
Speaker 1: You Know what's funny is when I hear situations like this,
Speaker 1: I always feel like this has absolutely nothing to do
Speaker 1: with you, and it's just projecting, right, And I'm wondering,
Speaker 1: I wonder if your mom has her own body insecurities
Speaker 1: that she's sort of dealing with and then they've manifested
Speaker 1: in this sort of way where she's then crossed a
Speaker 1: line and it's your wedding and it's you know, because
Speaker 1: by the way, you're going to be beautiful on your
Speaker 1: wedding day no matter what. Let's just say that. And
Speaker 1: if you are comfortable with your body, that's the most
Speaker 1: important thing. We just we need to clear that up.
Speaker 1: It's your body, it's your agency over your body, it's
Speaker 1: your choice. Yeah, but I always wonder if there's a
Speaker 1: little projecting going on in situations like this.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like, yeah, definitely, there's there's some projecting there.
Speaker 2: So so I mean I'm guessing that. I mean, obviously
Speaker 2: this did happen. How did you handle it?
Speaker 3: I kind of just ignored it, And actually I had
Speaker 3: gone I went home last night. We live about thirty
Speaker 3: minutes away from each other. And she asked again, but
Speaker 3: in person, and no.
Speaker 2: Does she need to do we to add her to
Speaker 2: the zoom?
Speaker 4: Oh god, I don't.
Speaker 2: She wouldn't know how to do that. But oh my god. Okay, well, okay,
Speaker 2: you brought up crossing a line, so I think the
Speaker 2: most obvious thing is the boundary cross right, So you
Speaker 2: didn't go to her and say, hey, mom, can I
Speaker 2: get your advice on something? She just unsolicited that unsolicitedly
Speaker 2: gave you advice. So I feel like my first and again,
Speaker 2: as we've established you, you assume the best from her,
Speaker 2: which is great if you're if you're, if you do
Speaker 2: you know, if you're not, if you haven't gotten the
Speaker 2: wind knocked out of you. I think the first thing
Speaker 2: i'd say is like ouch, right, like ouch, I didn't
Speaker 2: that hurt and I didn't ask, And if I don't ask, uh,
Speaker 2: I'm not asking. I don't need you know, I don't.
Speaker 2: I don't want. I don't want your advice. I love
Speaker 2: you so much. Your opinion means so much to me,
Speaker 2: so when you say things like that, they really hurt
Speaker 2: me and they stay with me, and I know that
Speaker 2: you don't want to hurt me. So I kind of
Speaker 2: wish we could rewind that moment, but we can't. And
Speaker 2: going forward, I really don't want you to say things
Speaker 2: like that to me, and I if I'm curious about
Speaker 2: something or if I want your opinion, I will ask.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I mean, that's definitely, that's definitely something.
Speaker 1: I think that's the decision to have. I mean, there's
Speaker 1: no other you know what else can you say? Like,
Speaker 1: because I feel I wonder if because you ignored it
Speaker 1: the first time, the worry is that if you keep
Speaker 1: ignoring it, she may not it may not have registered
Speaker 1: that this is something that's crossing a boundary, and it
Speaker 1: will continue to get brought up right, right.
Speaker 3: And I think for me, like I thought maybe once
Speaker 3: we got the dress, like.
Speaker 2: She would just zip it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, No, we got the dress last weekend and and
Speaker 3: she's still asking about it.
Speaker 2: So you just shut it down, shut it down, shut
Speaker 2: your perfect down. This is a celebration. Shut it down.
Speaker 2: Love you, mom, don't need to hear anymore.
Speaker 1: Love you. Don't love the comments because also, like by
Speaker 1: the way, I have to say, I read that you
Speaker 1: had two heart attacks when you were a child, right,
Speaker 1: and so you're here like you you like you, you're
Speaker 1: getting married. This should be such an amazing moment after
Speaker 1: health issues when you were younger. And what matters is
Speaker 1: that you're here and healthy. That's what really matters, you know, right,
Speaker 1: And I think tell your mom that we've said this
Speaker 1: is a no go, this is not.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 3: My my work, moms, I work with four other women
Speaker 3: that two of them have children. Two of them don't
Speaker 3: and they are a little bit older than me, and
Speaker 3: so they have been like my work moms for.
Speaker 2: The past five years, I guess.
Speaker 3: And I was telling them about it the other day
Speaker 3: and they were like, no, that's not okay, not not
Speaker 3: a day. We're not doing that.
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah. No. Well I think
Speaker 2: that I think that we have.
Speaker 4: I feel like we're.
Speaker 1: Setting boundaries for the wedding.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're setting boundaries. Yeah, yeah, that on some level,
Speaker 2: I actually have to say. I mean I always come
Speaker 2: up from like the what can I be grateful for
Speaker 2: in this moment. A lot of moms and a lot
Speaker 2: of relationships people you know there are they're actually nonverbal.
Speaker 5: You know.
Speaker 2: She came out and said it. So it's the very
Speaker 2: concrete example of her crossing a line. It's not like
Speaker 2: you wonder what she was saying, right, she said it.
Speaker 2: So I think it's actually great. You can go to
Speaker 2: her and be like number one, ouch, number two, no,
Speaker 2: thank you. That does not that is not helpful for me.
Speaker 2: I do not. That's not that's not for me. Save
Speaker 2: it for somebody else, or I don't know what to do,
Speaker 2: take it somewhere else. Yeah, I really need it. Into
Speaker 2: the sky.
Speaker 3: Setting setting boundaries, graduation.
Speaker 2: You got this, you got this. You go straight into
Speaker 2: that conversation right now. Give her a little text, Hey mom,
Speaker 2: can you talk for a second.
Speaker 3: She would be like, is everything okay?
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, everything is ok it's about to be okay.
Speaker 1: It's about okay.
Speaker 2: We got boundaries, Stephanie. Thank you so much for you.
Speaker 1: We hope you have an incredible wedding. You're gonna look gorgeous.
Speaker 1: And if you could send us a little picture of
Speaker 1: what you look like, set us a we want to know.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Absolutely, we aren't getting married until next June, but
Speaker 3: we're getting married in Aruba, and so it'll be beautiful.
Speaker 2: Oh oh my gosh, that's amazing. Have so much fun.
Speaker 5: Thank you, Thank you, bye, steph All right bye.
Speaker 2: Sarah has a tricky situation with a friend of hers
Speaker 2: who became inseparable with a very toxic person. She respects
Speaker 2: her friend's choice and companions, but this person's behavior makes
Speaker 2: her very uncomfortable. Does she just accept this? How can
Speaker 2: she maintain this friendship without sacrificing her own comfort? We
Speaker 2: need more information, Sarah, Yes, how are you?
Speaker 4: Ye?
Speaker 2: Hire to meet you? Thank you for joining us, Thanks.
Speaker 4: For having me. I really appreciate it. I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 4: It's kind of a odd for me to like email,
Speaker 4: a podcast and just kind of a shot at the dark,
Speaker 4: and you guys.
Speaker 2: Responded, So I it was meant to be right, Okay,
Speaker 2: So tell us more, tell us more. We read. We
Speaker 2: read the little description, but tell us more.
Speaker 4: Recently, you guys are talking about friendships and how yours
Speaker 4: has bloomed and it's just evolved over the years. Right
Speaker 4: to something you said recently, you have to be a
Speaker 4: number one fan, and in this friendship, I don't feel
Speaker 4: like I'm the number being that person for myself. You know,
Speaker 4: the friend that I'm speaking about is pretty toxic, and
Speaker 4: it's hard to see that you don't want to part
Speaker 4: ways with your one of your best friends, But I
Speaker 4: think that's kind of where I'm at right now.
Speaker 1: So you feel like your friend is being toxic for you?
Speaker 3: Yes?
Speaker 4: Or or you are? Okay, she has a friend that
Speaker 4: is toxic for her, but it's kind of a combination
Speaker 4: now that they're together. I feel like it's toxic for
Speaker 4: me as well.
Speaker 1: Okay, So you feel like she's being influenced by that friend?
Speaker 2: Correct?
Speaker 1: Oh, okay, friend yes, it's a new friend. And how
Speaker 1: long have you guys been friends for SORR, I.
Speaker 4: Have some about three or four years, okay, And all
Speaker 4: this new stuff is within like the last year, and
Speaker 4: she's had some pretty big changes in her life. She
Speaker 4: got married this year and all that as well. She
Speaker 4: suffers from depression and I suffer from from anxiety. So
Speaker 4: that's kind where we met in the middle. And she
Speaker 4: did start a pretty strong medication and I feel like
Speaker 4: it really just it altered her personality too, if that
Speaker 4: makes sense.
Speaker 1: Interesting? Yeah, okay, Well I did say on the pod
Speaker 1: that you need to be your own number one fan
Speaker 1: and an advocation.
Speaker 2: What does that mean to you? Like when you heard
Speaker 2: when you heard us talk about that, Like what what
Speaker 2: set up like for you? What was like? Hmm, I'm
Speaker 2: not sure if I am like what what?
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm just letting it bester and ponder and and
Speaker 4: bug me to my core, and that it's not being
Speaker 4: my number one fan.
Speaker 1: You know, you feel like you're subjecting yourself to a
Speaker 1: friendship that isn't good for you and therefore, how are
Speaker 1: you right?
Speaker 4: And I think I'm just I'm missing what it used
Speaker 4: to be. And I get people change. We change, and honestly,
Speaker 4: you've kind of disconnected myself from her a little bit already,
Speaker 4: and it's starting to feel good. It's just hard for
Speaker 4: me to look at the big picture of Okay, maybe
Speaker 4: we weren't meant to be this close of friends anymore,
Speaker 4: but I also care about her still, you know what
Speaker 4: I mean.
Speaker 1: Have you tried having or would you feel comfortable having
Speaker 1: a super especially because you may be on the brink
Speaker 1: of like completely stepping back. I wonder if it's like,
Speaker 1: do you just go for it and have a really
Speaker 1: honest conversation at this point, because it's in a way
Speaker 1: like win win, like either the friendships anyway, right, yeah,
Speaker 1: exact right, or or something can be salvage salvage, salvage salvage.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I think I just need to give it
Speaker 4: a give it another conversation I've had. I briefly have
Speaker 4: brought it up and to her both her and her
Speaker 4: husband now husband separately, and they both became really defensive.
Speaker 1: And I know.
Speaker 2: That's that's how we're programmed, right, like just and I
Speaker 2: think that also sometimes the language that we use intentionally
Speaker 2: or by accident sometimes can tip people off right that
Speaker 2: they should be defensive.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 2: And I think that, you know, it always does help
Speaker 2: when you start with what is true, which is just
Speaker 2: your feeling, right, and someone doesn't have to actually do
Speaker 2: anything to make you feel a certain way. We are
Speaker 2: responsible for our feelings, right, and we know why we
Speaker 2: have them. We were just talking about sometimes you know,
Speaker 2: people can communicate nonverbally, right, like that look or just
Speaker 2: let out say something shitty and you're like, well, that
Speaker 2: was actually maybe a little easier because you just said
Speaker 2: something shitty. But I think that bringing awareness to the
Speaker 2: feelings that you have and like having a conversation one
Speaker 2: on one. I personally feel that I always have to
Speaker 2: conjure up a lot of courage because I get I
Speaker 2: tend to get like sweaty armpits and really nervous. I
Speaker 2: just don't want to have the boat or I don't
Speaker 2: want to feel but I don't want to make someone. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I just I don't want to get in a fight
Speaker 2: or whatever. And I think that if you just you know,
Speaker 2: and sometimes it helps to write it down, you know,
Speaker 2: ma make a voice memo. However, you you know, you
Speaker 2: process things the best, but to just like organize your
Speaker 2: thoughts and feelings more feelings and then I think it's
Speaker 2: I think Camilla is completely onto the a great approach,
Speaker 2: which is having you know before saying, all right, this
Speaker 2: friendship is just not for us. We've grown apart, you
Speaker 2: have some toxic in your life, and now we're done
Speaker 2: going to that person and saying, you know, I adore you.
Speaker 2: This is what I love so much about our friendship.
Speaker 2: And maybe that's one thing, maybe it's ten, but write
Speaker 2: them down and make her feel loved and appreciated for
Speaker 2: genuinely what you love and appreciate her for, and then say,
Speaker 2: and lately I've been having these feelings like this is
Speaker 2: how this friendship has made me feel, or some things
Speaker 2: that have happened have made me feel and I know
Speaker 2: that you love me, but this is still happening, and like,
Speaker 2: what are your thoughts or what are your feelings on it?
Speaker 2: And then I would say the minute that if it
Speaker 2: does go defensive, sadly, you kind of have your answer, right,
Speaker 2: because if she's not willing to take some responsibility or
Speaker 2: try to move towards understanding, then she might either maybe
Speaker 2: just say take a break, right like maybe she'll come around,
Speaker 2: but maybe for right now.
Speaker 4: I of hope. So it almost feels like a kind
Speaker 4: of like a midlife crisis. You know, she's done with
Speaker 4: the now she's marry and all the things, the things
Speaker 4: she wanted to do about a house, all that stuff,
Speaker 4: and just kind of testing the wa and trying new things.
Speaker 1: I think something that I found really hard. It was
Speaker 1: a really hard lesson to learn. But in the friends
Speaker 1: that I had, I had some friends in my twenties
Speaker 1: that were no longer friends of mine by the time
Speaker 1: I was like deep into my thirties, and it felt
Speaker 1: like a loss, right Like it really felt like a breakup,
Speaker 1: and it was so hard and it was so painful.
Speaker 1: And now now that I've had some distance on it,
Speaker 1: I realized that people do shift and change, and those
Speaker 1: friendships that you think are lifelong friends, those friends who
Speaker 1: you think are lifelong friends are sometimes they don't fit
Speaker 1: anymore in the way that they used to fit. And
Speaker 1: it's a really hard lesson, and I think it happens
Speaker 1: to so many people. I think there's probably so many
Speaker 1: people listening to you right now feeling this exact way.
Speaker 4: And we have different a lot of different values. I
Speaker 4: have three children, she's doesn't have any kids yet. I
Speaker 4: mean nothing against that I have plenty of friends without kids,
Speaker 4: and we just have different outlooks in life, you know.
Speaker 2: But that's also something to remember, which is you have children, right. Yeah,
Speaker 2: And I often think sometimes even when I'm feeling like
Speaker 2: I need a little dose of courage, I think about
Speaker 2: what I would do if I was doing it for
Speaker 2: my child, right, if I was advocating for my child,
Speaker 2: if I was my number one fan, how would I
Speaker 2: behave differently? And asking for that And again, if you
Speaker 2: if you don't get what you need in this conversation,
Speaker 2: I'm a big fan of saying thank you for your service,
Speaker 2: ye for some really great times. Thank you, Like I
Speaker 2: have wonderful memories of our friendship. I have incredible stories.
Speaker 2: I have so many times where I can remember you
Speaker 2: being on my side. Because again, part of that is
Speaker 2: I think, definitely, in my opinion, not worth your energy
Speaker 2: is wondering about what might be going on in her
Speaker 2: life because if you know, if there's you know, if
Speaker 2: there is depression, and if there is medication, there's a
Speaker 2: whole lot that you can't know.
Speaker 4: And I'm certain piece more energy into it than I should. Yeah,
Speaker 4: I'm as Alsteen, I'm told, Yeah, that would help me tremendously.
Speaker 4: That's within last year kind of not necessarily give me
Speaker 4: a new mindset, but like.
Speaker 1: Hey, well yeah, I know that feeling though there is
Speaker 1: a shift, right, I think that my my therapist and
Speaker 1: I just real quick, we talk about being able to
Speaker 1: stay in our resilient zone.
Speaker 2: This is what we talk about.
Speaker 1: So anything that kicks me out means that, like you know,
Speaker 1: it spikes my anxiety. And and so I surround myself
Speaker 1: with people and I try to invest in doing things
Speaker 1: that help keep me in that resilient zone. And she
Speaker 1: kind of sounds like a right now that's continuing to
Speaker 1: kick you out of it. And so this is this
Speaker 1: is this is where you can be your number one
Speaker 1: fan of like what serves me, right sure, and if
Speaker 1: she's if she's a friend that's continuing to do that,
Speaker 1: and you're putting mental energy towards that when by the way,
Speaker 1: your three children, oh my god, how much mental energy
Speaker 1: goes into them. You got to save some for yourself, Yes,
Speaker 1: you got to save some for yourself, just because right,
Speaker 1: there's so much.
Speaker 2: That you don't know.
Speaker 1: And and I think that keep yourself while you're on
Speaker 1: your own mental health journey, keep yourself surrounded by people
Speaker 1: that don't continue to do that, and maybe your friendship
Speaker 1: will come back around like a breakup can.
Speaker 2: Sometimes that's what I hope happens.
Speaker 4: Honestly, Yes, I said, I've kind of been distancing myself
Speaker 4: from her for a while now, which does feel good
Speaker 4: because I'm not surrounded by those toxic behaviors. That.
Speaker 1: Yes, and you're probably staying in this zone more because
Speaker 1: you're because you're creating that boundary. But I think, I thin,
Speaker 1: I think you have the conversation and then you go
Speaker 1: from there and and make sure that you look after
Speaker 1: yourself and your own friendships too.
Speaker 4: Right, Well, you ladies are awesome. I appreciate it.
Speaker 2: I feel good about this. I feel good about your
Speaker 2: next steps. I don't do to only excited for you.
Speaker 4: Just need to hear it from a different perspective.
Speaker 2: And I really amen.
Speaker 1: I thank you for coming on here because I know
Speaker 1: it's so hard, but I know so many people will
Speaker 1: are going through something like this and will appreciate hearing
Speaker 1: your situation and maybe to help them with theirs.
Speaker 4: Awesome. Yeah, you ladies are great.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 4: Good luck with your podcast.
Speaker 2: I love it. Thank you. Yeah, I keep listening. We're
Speaker 2: excited to have you as our crew. Thank you, bye,
Speaker 2: thank you.
Speaker 1: I no, I just want to say before you wrap
Speaker 1: up this this short and sweet that what I love
Speaker 1: so much about our listeners, so much about the Call
Speaker 1: It crew is they're willing to get on here with
Speaker 1: us and get so vulnerable in the ten minutes that
Speaker 1: they have with us. And I think that that really
Speaker 1: sums up and captures what feels so special about this
Speaker 1: podcast that we have with you all.
Speaker 2: Just had to say that. Yeah, I'll keep saying it
Speaker 2: a lot because you and you learned so much more.
Speaker 2: Oh gosh. I used to think that I always had
Speaker 2: to be okay and it was such a chore. Sometimes
Speaker 2: sometimes I was okay, but other times I wasn't okay
Speaker 2: and I felt like I had to be. And I
Speaker 2: have learned that I really have only grown when I've
Speaker 2: sat in not being okay and let the people around
Speaker 2: me know that. And my only chance at getting any
Speaker 2: kind of help, by the way, was through that moment
Speaker 2: of just surrender like I'm not okay, I don't know
Speaker 2: what to do. I'm taking suggestions, put the suggestion box
Speaker 2: out because I need some help. I got around my
Speaker 2: net suggestion box. Yes, oh lord, I need one out
Speaker 2: all the time. I know, I know, I know. Well,
Speaker 2: I'm actually, like I said, I'm very I felt very
Speaker 2: good about the next step. God for both Stuff and Sarah.
Speaker 2: So I think we need at some point we need
Speaker 2: to catch Yeah, we need to. We need to.
Speaker 1: We need to catch up with those girls, all right,
Speaker 1: and let's call hey.
Speaker 2: I find it delightful. I find it delightful and such
Speaker 2: a treat to be here with you in the short
Speaker 2: and sweet.
Speaker 4: That was so good.