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Speaker 1: Call It What It Is with Jessica Kepshaw and Camille Ludington,

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Speaker 1: an iHeartRadio podcast.

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Speaker 2: Well, hello, call it Crewe we have another short and sweet.

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Speaker 2: What do we have today?

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Speaker 1: Well, I'm going to read you what Stephanie She's going

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Speaker 1: to be joining us via zoom today.

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Speaker 2: This is what she wrote, Love the Zooms, Love a Zoom.

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Speaker 1: Stephanie, who had two heart attacks as a child, just

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Speaker 1: got engaged and is so happy. But her overprotective mom

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Speaker 1: sent her a text while she was at the cardiologist's

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Speaker 1: office telling her to ask the doctor for permission and

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Speaker 1: advice on what weight loss drug she can take so

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Speaker 1: she can lose weight before her wedding. All of her

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Speaker 1: insecure feelings about her body that went away are now back.

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Speaker 1: How does she handle it? I have so many questions,

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Speaker 1: So we need to talk to her. Yeah, I think

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Speaker 1: we need to get curious first. I need to know

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Speaker 1: a little bit more about what's happening.

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Speaker 2: Hi Stephanie, Hello Stephanie.

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Speaker 1: Hi, welcome to our Call It What It Is Short

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Speaker 1: and Sweet episode. Okay, so we just read for our

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Speaker 1: listeners the situation, and we have questions before we get

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Speaker 1: into this. Congratulations on being engaged, So amazing. I want

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Speaker 1: to know was this in any way a conversation between

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Speaker 1: you and your mom before you went to the doctor.

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Speaker 1: Were you saying, I would like to lose weight maybe

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Speaker 1: I can look into and she was sort of prompting

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Speaker 1: it that way, or No, this came out of left field.

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Speaker 3: No, this was like all left field.

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Speaker 2: Mom.

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Speaker 3: I want to preface it with like, Okay, my mom

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Speaker 3: and I have like a we're very similar, and so

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Speaker 3: she has the best intentions, I think, but she just

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Speaker 3: there's a line sometimes and she likes to cross it.

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Speaker 2: Mom. Yeah, I love that you're assuming positive intent I

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Speaker 2: really do, because it's so important. Right with the people

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Speaker 2: that we love, it's easy to get uh, it's easy

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Speaker 2: to get hurt, right, we're human. But I think the

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Speaker 2: fact that you are assuming that she has your best

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Speaker 2: interest in heart is great. Right, you guys really love

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Speaker 2: each other. Yet that is still a stinger.

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Speaker 1: You Know what's funny is when I hear situations like this,

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Speaker 1: I always feel like this has absolutely nothing to do

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Speaker 1: with you, and it's just projecting, right, And I'm wondering,

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Speaker 1: I wonder if your mom has her own body insecurities

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Speaker 1: that she's sort of dealing with and then they've manifested

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Speaker 1: in this sort of way where she's then crossed a

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Speaker 1: line and it's your wedding and it's you know, because

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Speaker 1: by the way, you're going to be beautiful on your

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Speaker 1: wedding day no matter what. Let's just say that. And

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Speaker 1: if you are comfortable with your body, that's the most

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Speaker 1: important thing. We just we need to clear that up.

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Speaker 1: It's your body, it's your agency over your body, it's

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Speaker 1: your choice. Yeah, but I always wonder if there's a

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Speaker 1: little projecting going on in situations like this.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like, yeah, definitely, there's there's some projecting there.

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Speaker 2: So so I mean I'm guessing that. I mean, obviously

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Speaker 2: this did happen. How did you handle it?

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Speaker 3: I kind of just ignored it, And actually I had

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Speaker 3: gone I went home last night. We live about thirty

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Speaker 3: minutes away from each other. And she asked again, but

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Speaker 3: in person, and no.

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Speaker 2: Does she need to do we to add her to

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Speaker 2: the zoom?

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Speaker 4: Oh god, I don't.

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Speaker 2: She wouldn't know how to do that. But oh my god. Okay, well, okay,

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Speaker 2: you brought up crossing a line, so I think the

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Speaker 2: most obvious thing is the boundary cross right, So you

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Speaker 2: didn't go to her and say, hey, mom, can I

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Speaker 2: get your advice on something? She just unsolicited that unsolicitedly

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Speaker 2: gave you advice. So I feel like my first and again,

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Speaker 2: as we've established you, you assume the best from her,

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Speaker 2: which is great if you're if you're, if you do

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Speaker 2: you know, if you're not, if you haven't gotten the

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Speaker 2: wind knocked out of you. I think the first thing

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Speaker 2: i'd say is like ouch, right, like ouch, I didn't

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Speaker 2: that hurt and I didn't ask, And if I don't ask, uh,

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Speaker 2: I'm not asking. I don't need you know, I don't.

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Speaker 2: I don't want. I don't want your advice. I love

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Speaker 2: you so much. Your opinion means so much to me,

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Speaker 2: so when you say things like that, they really hurt

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Speaker 2: me and they stay with me, and I know that

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Speaker 2: you don't want to hurt me. So I kind of

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Speaker 2: wish we could rewind that moment, but we can't. And

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Speaker 2: going forward, I really don't want you to say things

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Speaker 2: like that to me, and I if I'm curious about

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Speaker 2: something or if I want your opinion, I will ask.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: I mean, that's definitely, that's definitely something.

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Speaker 1: I think that's the decision to have. I mean, there's

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Speaker 1: no other you know what else can you say? Like,

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Speaker 1: because I feel I wonder if because you ignored it

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Speaker 1: the first time, the worry is that if you keep

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Speaker 1: ignoring it, she may not it may not have registered

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Speaker 1: that this is something that's crossing a boundary, and it

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Speaker 1: will continue to get brought up right, right.

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Speaker 3: And I think for me, like I thought maybe once

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Speaker 3: we got the dress, like.

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Speaker 2: She would just zip it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, No, we got the dress last weekend and and

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Speaker 3: she's still asking about it.

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Speaker 2: So you just shut it down, shut it down, shut

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Speaker 2: your perfect down. This is a celebration. Shut it down.

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Speaker 2: Love you, mom, don't need to hear anymore.

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Speaker 1: Love you. Don't love the comments because also, like by

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Speaker 1: the way, I have to say, I read that you

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Speaker 1: had two heart attacks when you were a child, right,

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Speaker 1: and so you're here like you you like you, you're

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Speaker 1: getting married. This should be such an amazing moment after

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Speaker 1: health issues when you were younger. And what matters is

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Speaker 1: that you're here and healthy. That's what really matters, you know, right,

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Speaker 1: And I think tell your mom that we've said this

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Speaker 1: is a no go, this is not.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: My my work, moms, I work with four other women

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Speaker 3: that two of them have children. Two of them don't

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Speaker 3: and they are a little bit older than me, and

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Speaker 3: so they have been like my work moms for.

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Speaker 2: The past five years, I guess.

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Speaker 3: And I was telling them about it the other day

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Speaker 3: and they were like, no, that's not okay, not not

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Speaker 3: a day. We're not doing that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah. No. Well I think

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Speaker 2: that I think that we have.

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Speaker 4: I feel like we're.

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Speaker 1: Setting boundaries for the wedding.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, they're setting boundaries. Yeah, yeah, that on some level,

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Speaker 2: I actually have to say. I mean I always come

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Speaker 2: up from like the what can I be grateful for

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Speaker 2: in this moment. A lot of moms and a lot

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Speaker 2: of relationships people you know there are they're actually nonverbal.

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Speaker 5: You know.

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Speaker 2: She came out and said it. So it's the very

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Speaker 2: concrete example of her crossing a line. It's not like

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Speaker 2: you wonder what she was saying, right, she said it.

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Speaker 2: So I think it's actually great. You can go to

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Speaker 2: her and be like number one, ouch, number two, no,

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Speaker 2: thank you. That does not that is not helpful for me.

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Speaker 2: I do not. That's not that's not for me. Save

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Speaker 2: it for somebody else, or I don't know what to do,

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Speaker 2: take it somewhere else. Yeah, I really need it. Into

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Speaker 2: the sky.

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Speaker 3: Setting setting boundaries, graduation.

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Speaker 2: You got this, you got this. You go straight into

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Speaker 2: that conversation right now. Give her a little text, Hey mom,

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Speaker 2: can you talk for a second.

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Speaker 3: She would be like, is everything okay?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, everything is ok it's about to be okay.

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Speaker 1: It's about okay.

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Speaker 2: We got boundaries, Stephanie. Thank you so much for you.

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Speaker 1: We hope you have an incredible wedding. You're gonna look gorgeous.

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Speaker 1: And if you could send us a little picture of

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Speaker 1: what you look like, set us a we want to know.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. Absolutely, we aren't getting married until next June, but

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Speaker 3: we're getting married in Aruba, and so it'll be beautiful.

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Speaker 2: Oh oh my gosh, that's amazing. Have so much fun.

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Speaker 5: Thank you, Thank you, bye, steph All right bye.

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Speaker 2: Sarah has a tricky situation with a friend of hers

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Speaker 2: who became inseparable with a very toxic person. She respects

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Speaker 2: her friend's choice and companions, but this person's behavior makes

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Speaker 2: her very uncomfortable. Does she just accept this? How can

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Speaker 2: she maintain this friendship without sacrificing her own comfort? We

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Speaker 2: need more information, Sarah, Yes, how are you?

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Speaker 4: Ye?

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Speaker 2: Hire to meet you? Thank you for joining us, Thanks.

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Speaker 4: For having me. I really appreciate it. I'm not gonna lie.

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Speaker 4: It's kind of a odd for me to like email,

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Speaker 4: a podcast and just kind of a shot at the dark,

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Speaker 4: and you guys.

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Speaker 2: Responded, So I it was meant to be right, Okay,

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Speaker 2: So tell us more, tell us more. We read. We

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Speaker 2: read the little description, but tell us more.

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Speaker 4: Recently, you guys are talking about friendships and how yours

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Speaker 4: has bloomed and it's just evolved over the years. Right

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Speaker 4: to something you said recently, you have to be a

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Speaker 4: number one fan, and in this friendship, I don't feel

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Speaker 4: like I'm the number being that person for myself. You know,

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Speaker 4: the friend that I'm speaking about is pretty toxic, and

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Speaker 4: it's hard to see that you don't want to part

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Speaker 4: ways with your one of your best friends, But I

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Speaker 4: think that's kind of where I'm at right now.

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Speaker 1: So you feel like your friend is being toxic for you?

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Speaker 3: Yes?

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Speaker 4: Or or you are? Okay, she has a friend that

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Speaker 4: is toxic for her, but it's kind of a combination

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Speaker 4: now that they're together. I feel like it's toxic for

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Speaker 4: me as well.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So you feel like she's being influenced by that friend?

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Speaker 2: Correct?

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Speaker 1: Oh, okay, friend yes, it's a new friend. And how

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Speaker 1: long have you guys been friends for SORR, I.

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Speaker 4: Have some about three or four years, okay, And all

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Speaker 4: this new stuff is within like the last year, and

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Speaker 4: she's had some pretty big changes in her life. She

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Speaker 4: got married this year and all that as well. She

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Speaker 4: suffers from depression and I suffer from from anxiety. So

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Speaker 4: that's kind where we met in the middle. And she

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Speaker 4: did start a pretty strong medication and I feel like

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Speaker 4: it really just it altered her personality too, if that

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Speaker 4: makes sense.

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Speaker 1: Interesting? Yeah, okay, Well I did say on the pod

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Speaker 1: that you need to be your own number one fan

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Speaker 1: and an advocation.

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Speaker 2: What does that mean to you? Like when you heard

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Speaker 2: when you heard us talk about that, Like what what

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Speaker 2: set up like for you? What was like? Hmm, I'm

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Speaker 2: not sure if I am like what what?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm just letting it bester and ponder and and

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Speaker 4: bug me to my core, and that it's not being

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Speaker 4: my number one fan.

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Speaker 1: You know, you feel like you're subjecting yourself to a

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Speaker 1: friendship that isn't good for you and therefore, how are

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Speaker 1: you right?

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Speaker 4: And I think I'm just I'm missing what it used

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Speaker 4: to be. And I get people change. We change, and honestly,

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Speaker 4: you've kind of disconnected myself from her a little bit already,

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Speaker 4: and it's starting to feel good. It's just hard for

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Speaker 4: me to look at the big picture of Okay, maybe

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Speaker 4: we weren't meant to be this close of friends anymore,

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Speaker 4: but I also care about her still, you know what

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Speaker 4: I mean.

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Speaker 1: Have you tried having or would you feel comfortable having

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Speaker 1: a super especially because you may be on the brink

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Speaker 1: of like completely stepping back. I wonder if it's like,

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Speaker 1: do you just go for it and have a really

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Speaker 1: honest conversation at this point, because it's in a way

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Speaker 1: like win win, like either the friendships anyway, right, yeah,

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Speaker 1: exact right, or or something can be salvage salvage, salvage salvage.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, I think I just need to give it

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Speaker 4: a give it another conversation I've had. I briefly have

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Speaker 4: brought it up and to her both her and her

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Speaker 4: husband now husband separately, and they both became really defensive.

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Speaker 1: And I know.

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Speaker 2: That's that's how we're programmed, right, like just and I

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Speaker 2: think that also sometimes the language that we use intentionally

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Speaker 2: or by accident sometimes can tip people off right that

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Speaker 2: they should be defensive.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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Speaker 2: And I think that, you know, it always does help

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Speaker 2: when you start with what is true, which is just

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Speaker 2: your feeling, right, and someone doesn't have to actually do

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Speaker 2: anything to make you feel a certain way. We are

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Speaker 2: responsible for our feelings, right, and we know why we

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Speaker 2: have them. We were just talking about sometimes you know,

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Speaker 2: people can communicate nonverbally, right, like that look or just

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Speaker 2: let out say something shitty and you're like, well, that

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Speaker 2: was actually maybe a little easier because you just said

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Speaker 2: something shitty. But I think that bringing awareness to the

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Speaker 2: feelings that you have and like having a conversation one

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Speaker 2: on one. I personally feel that I always have to

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Speaker 2: conjure up a lot of courage because I get I

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Speaker 2: tend to get like sweaty armpits and really nervous. I

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Speaker 2: just don't want to have the boat or I don't

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Speaker 2: want to feel but I don't want to make someone. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I just I don't want to get in a fight

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Speaker 2: or whatever. And I think that if you just you know,

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Speaker 2: and sometimes it helps to write it down, you know,

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Speaker 2: ma make a voice memo. However, you you know, you

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Speaker 2: process things the best, but to just like organize your

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Speaker 2: thoughts and feelings more feelings and then I think it's

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Speaker 2: I think Camilla is completely onto the a great approach,

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Speaker 2: which is having you know before saying, all right, this

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Speaker 2: friendship is just not for us. We've grown apart, you

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Speaker 2: have some toxic in your life, and now we're done

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Speaker 2: going to that person and saying, you know, I adore you.

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Speaker 2: This is what I love so much about our friendship.

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Speaker 2: And maybe that's one thing, maybe it's ten, but write

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Speaker 2: them down and make her feel loved and appreciated for

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Speaker 2: genuinely what you love and appreciate her for, and then say,

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Speaker 2: and lately I've been having these feelings like this is

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Speaker 2: how this friendship has made me feel, or some things

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Speaker 2: that have happened have made me feel and I know

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Speaker 2: that you love me, but this is still happening, and like,

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Speaker 2: what are your thoughts or what are your feelings on it?

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Speaker 2: And then I would say the minute that if it

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Speaker 2: does go defensive, sadly, you kind of have your answer, right,

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Speaker 2: because if she's not willing to take some responsibility or

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Speaker 2: try to move towards understanding, then she might either maybe

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Speaker 2: just say take a break, right like maybe she'll come around,

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Speaker 2: but maybe for right now.

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Speaker 4: I of hope. So it almost feels like a kind

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Speaker 4: of like a midlife crisis. You know, she's done with

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Speaker 4: the now she's marry and all the things, the things

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Speaker 4: she wanted to do about a house, all that stuff,

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Speaker 4: and just kind of testing the wa and trying new things.

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Speaker 1: I think something that I found really hard. It was

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Speaker 1: a really hard lesson to learn. But in the friends

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Speaker 1: that I had, I had some friends in my twenties

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Speaker 1: that were no longer friends of mine by the time

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Speaker 1: I was like deep into my thirties, and it felt

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Speaker 1: like a loss, right Like it really felt like a breakup,

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Speaker 1: and it was so hard and it was so painful.

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Speaker 1: And now now that I've had some distance on it,

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Speaker 1: I realized that people do shift and change, and those

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Speaker 1: friendships that you think are lifelong friends, those friends who

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Speaker 1: you think are lifelong friends are sometimes they don't fit

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Speaker 1: anymore in the way that they used to fit. And

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Speaker 1: it's a really hard lesson, and I think it happens

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Speaker 1: to so many people. I think there's probably so many

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Speaker 1: people listening to you right now feeling this exact way.

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Speaker 4: And we have different a lot of different values. I

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Speaker 4: have three children, she's doesn't have any kids yet. I

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Speaker 4: mean nothing against that I have plenty of friends without kids,

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Speaker 4: and we just have different outlooks in life, you know.

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Speaker 2: But that's also something to remember, which is you have children, right. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: And I often think sometimes even when I'm feeling like

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Speaker 2: I need a little dose of courage, I think about

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Speaker 2: what I would do if I was doing it for

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Speaker 2: my child, right, if I was advocating for my child,

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Speaker 2: if I was my number one fan, how would I

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Speaker 2: behave differently? And asking for that And again, if you

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Speaker 2: if you don't get what you need in this conversation,

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Speaker 2: I'm a big fan of saying thank you for your service,

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Speaker 2: ye for some really great times. Thank you, Like I

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Speaker 2: have wonderful memories of our friendship. I have incredible stories.

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Speaker 2: I have so many times where I can remember you

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Speaker 2: being on my side. Because again, part of that is

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Speaker 2: I think, definitely, in my opinion, not worth your energy

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Speaker 2: is wondering about what might be going on in her

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Speaker 2: life because if you know, if there's you know, if

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Speaker 2: there is depression, and if there is medication, there's a

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Speaker 2: whole lot that you can't know.

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Speaker 4: And I'm certain piece more energy into it than I should. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: I'm as Alsteen, I'm told, Yeah, that would help me tremendously.

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Speaker 4: That's within last year kind of not necessarily give me

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Speaker 4: a new mindset, but like.

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Speaker 1: Hey, well yeah, I know that feeling though there is

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Speaker 1: a shift, right, I think that my my therapist and

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Speaker 1: I just real quick, we talk about being able to

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Speaker 1: stay in our resilient zone.

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Speaker 2: This is what we talk about.

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Speaker 1: So anything that kicks me out means that, like you know,

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Speaker 1: it spikes my anxiety. And and so I surround myself

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Speaker 1: with people and I try to invest in doing things

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Speaker 1: that help keep me in that resilient zone. And she

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Speaker 1: kind of sounds like a right now that's continuing to

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Speaker 1: kick you out of it. And so this is this

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Speaker 1: is this is where you can be your number one

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Speaker 1: fan of like what serves me, right sure, and if

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Speaker 1: she's if she's a friend that's continuing to do that,

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Speaker 1: and you're putting mental energy towards that when by the way,

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Speaker 1: your three children, oh my god, how much mental energy

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Speaker 1: goes into them. You got to save some for yourself, Yes,

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Speaker 1: you got to save some for yourself, just because right,

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Speaker 1: there's so much.

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Speaker 2: That you don't know.

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Speaker 1: And and I think that keep yourself while you're on

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Speaker 1: your own mental health journey, keep yourself surrounded by people

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Speaker 1: that don't continue to do that, and maybe your friendship

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Speaker 1: will come back around like a breakup can.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes that's what I hope happens.

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Speaker 4: Honestly, Yes, I said, I've kind of been distancing myself

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Speaker 4: from her for a while now, which does feel good

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Speaker 4: because I'm not surrounded by those toxic behaviors. That.

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Speaker 1: Yes, and you're probably staying in this zone more because

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Speaker 1: you're because you're creating that boundary. But I think, I thin,

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Speaker 1: I think you have the conversation and then you go

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Speaker 1: from there and and make sure that you look after

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Speaker 1: yourself and your own friendships too.

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Speaker 4: Right, Well, you ladies are awesome. I appreciate it.

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Speaker 2: I feel good about this. I feel good about your

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Speaker 2: next steps. I don't do to only excited for you.

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Speaker 4: Just need to hear it from a different perspective.

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Speaker 2: And I really amen.

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Speaker 1: I thank you for coming on here because I know

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Speaker 1: it's so hard, but I know so many people will

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Speaker 1: are going through something like this and will appreciate hearing

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Speaker 1: your situation and maybe to help them with theirs.

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Speaker 4: Awesome. Yeah, you ladies are great.

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Speaker 2: Thank you.

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Speaker 4: Good luck with your podcast.

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Speaker 2: I love it. Thank you. Yeah, I keep listening. We're

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Speaker 2: excited to have you as our crew. Thank you, bye,

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Speaker 2: thank you.

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Speaker 1: I no, I just want to say before you wrap

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Speaker 1: up this this short and sweet that what I love

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Speaker 1: so much about our listeners, so much about the Call

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Speaker 1: It crew is they're willing to get on here with

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Speaker 1: us and get so vulnerable in the ten minutes that

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Speaker 1: they have with us. And I think that that really

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Speaker 1: sums up and captures what feels so special about this

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Speaker 1: podcast that we have with you all.

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Speaker 2: Just had to say that. Yeah, I'll keep saying it

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Speaker 2: a lot because you and you learned so much more.

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Speaker 2: Oh gosh. I used to think that I always had

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Speaker 2: to be okay and it was such a chore. Sometimes

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Speaker 2: sometimes I was okay, but other times I wasn't okay

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Speaker 2: and I felt like I had to be. And I

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Speaker 2: have learned that I really have only grown when I've

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Speaker 2: sat in not being okay and let the people around

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Speaker 2: me know that. And my only chance at getting any

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Speaker 2: kind of help, by the way, was through that moment

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Speaker 2: of just surrender like I'm not okay, I don't know

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Speaker 2: what to do. I'm taking suggestions, put the suggestion box

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Speaker 2: out because I need some help. I got around my

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Speaker 2: net suggestion box. Yes, oh lord, I need one out

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Speaker 2: all the time. I know, I know, I know. Well,

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Speaker 2: I'm actually, like I said, I'm very I felt very

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Speaker 2: good about the next step. God for both Stuff and Sarah.

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Speaker 2: So I think we need at some point we need

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Speaker 2: to catch Yeah, we need to. We need to.

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Speaker 1: We need to catch up with those girls, all right,

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Speaker 1: and let's call hey.

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Speaker 2: I find it delightful. I find it delightful and such

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Speaker 2: a treat to be here with you in the short

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Speaker 2: and sweet.

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Speaker 4: That was so good.