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Speaker 1: Welcome to Decisions Decisions. I don't think you should say

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Speaker 1: decisions decisions.

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Speaker 2: It sounded like you was.

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Speaker 3: Talking to person you definitely say to welcome, welcome to

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Speaker 3: the new podcast. You want to say together the Decisions Decisions.

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Speaker 4: Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Decisions Decisions.

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Speaker 2: I'm your girl, that bitch Mandy b.

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Speaker 3: Hey, everybody, I'm weazy, and you know, we don't have

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Speaker 3: many professionals in the house. We won't have anybody with

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Speaker 3: the dr in the front. Oh, this is a very

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Speaker 3: exciting episode.

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Speaker 2: May be doing that. We'd be having some of them.

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Speaker 2: Some people be having the most part.

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Speaker 3: They'd be like, listen, you know what's crazy. I'm a

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Speaker 3: big second school and that's what I know. And may

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Speaker 3: be unofficial people that teach that period, do you and

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Speaker 3: I ain't gonna hold on.

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Speaker 4: Maybe she's saying that because I didn't have about four

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Speaker 4: niggas with PhDs in the last year. I love a

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Speaker 4: smart man. So they're all doctors to me. They're doctors,

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Speaker 4: they're scientists, they're professors, they're all the things.

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Speaker 1: And an author. You are here to celebrate her book.

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Speaker 2: That's right, y'all.

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Speaker 4: We have doctor Donna Orioo, who is an award winning

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Speaker 4: DEI Advocate, international speaker, and certified sex and relationship therapists

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Speaker 4: based in DC, but came up to the motherfucker and

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Speaker 4: wants to be with us. She's the founder of a

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Speaker 4: nod Right. She helps black women heal from colorism and

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Speaker 4: texturism while embracing joy and sexual liberation.

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Speaker 2: So, baby, if you thought you was gonna come.

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Speaker 4: Here and it was just all gonna bepprecy we talking

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Speaker 4: sex in this episode two uh. Doctor Donna is also

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Speaker 4: the author of Drink Water and Mine Yo Business. I

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Speaker 4: want to read the other part when we add the

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Speaker 4: other part to ours. It is a Black woman's guide

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Speaker 4: to unlearning the BS and healing your self esteem. She

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Speaker 4: is also the author of Cocoa Butter and Hair Grease

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Speaker 4: and host the podcast in My Black Feelings and Desire Dialogues,

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Speaker 4: How you like that? Motherfucker? Intro Girl, I want y'all know.

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Speaker 4: But photo Pie, We was arguing about my husband Chatchy

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Speaker 4: bt chatty and what's crazy she calls she got a

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Speaker 4: nickname for my husband, called him, call him chatty, and

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Speaker 4: then decide to like point out a flaw in something

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Speaker 4: he said, and I just I took up for my man.

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Speaker 1: I hold him down bad.

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Speaker 2: It's she said, damn.

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Speaker 1: Use do you use it? I mean I've used it before,

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Speaker 1: And then I was just like, oh nope, I'm okay.

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Speaker 3: So that's why I feel like that. So I have

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Speaker 3: friends that are like both sides of the coin, so

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Speaker 3: I don't use it. But then our friends like Mandy

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Speaker 3: that call it their spouse, I realized we both like

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Speaker 3: butt heads a lot.

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Speaker 4: Like there ain't no head because that's my man. You

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Speaker 4: ain't gotta lie your man. I gotta lie your man.

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Speaker 4: You ain't gotta love him, you ain't got to sleep

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Speaker 4: with him, you ain't got to talk to him. It's

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Speaker 4: something that I enjoy, and I think it maybe comes

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Speaker 4: from PTSD, from not hopping on the TikTok train. I

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Speaker 4: know that this is the way of life, and Bitch,

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Speaker 4: at this point, hey, I gonna know me. You're on

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Speaker 4: it early, I'm saying, per So when y'all get on it,

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Speaker 4: when y'all gotta get on it, I'm gonna be like, see, bitch, that's.

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Speaker 2: What she gets water, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 3: I actually have a question about texturism. Tell me about that,

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Speaker 3: because I don't think I don't I've really ever heard that,

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Speaker 3: and I'm very embarrassed. I feel like they got to

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Speaker 3: jump and be like, you want it, bitch, because you

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Speaker 3: light skins.

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Speaker 1: So what the fucking texture? I feel like people don't

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Speaker 1: know it as well as they think they know it.

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Speaker 2: But basically it's colorism. But about your hair.

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Speaker 1: Oh, the hair textures that are the most desired are

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Speaker 1: the ones that you know they get shown.

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Speaker 3: It's like, oh, yes, we want the panteing provy hair.

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Speaker 3: I would love to have a hair conversation here.

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Speaker 1: I'm eyn but I'm remembering the ship that I used

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Speaker 1: to sit next to when I was doing my dissertation,

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Speaker 1: and I was just like, well, look at you. You

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Speaker 1: got blasted right.

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Speaker 2: Your white hair.

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Speaker 1: Your white woman hair is not stringy, it's you got

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Speaker 1: panteen provy hair.

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Speaker 4: I remember it was a whole movie about it as well,

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Speaker 4: Black Hair by Chris Rock Good hair, good hair, good

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Speaker 4: hair good. It was good hair, and they literally leaned

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Speaker 4: into texturism for the whole film. I think, though it's

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Speaker 4: yea the word ow, I've heard that word a lot.

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Speaker 4: I think it's I think it's interesting because of the

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Speaker 4: European standards of beauty. For me, even not ever having

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Speaker 4: to really deal with texture because why, mama, I just

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Speaker 4: have thin hair that fucking you know grows thin. For me,

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Speaker 4: it was the relationship between cutting my hair because also

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Speaker 4: black men specifically, not only the texture thing. Length is

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Speaker 4: a thing, yes, which is a part of a black

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Speaker 4: woman's journey with her hair altogether.

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Speaker 1: Yes, because they say that your hair is your crown,

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Speaker 1: your crowning glory. So the idea that particularly any black woman,

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Speaker 1: any woman of color, would cut their hair, it's like, why,

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Speaker 1: why what happened? Yeah, and I'm just like, please relax yourself.

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Speaker 2: But not only what happened. Hold on, women did it too.

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Speaker 4: We got into that thing when you get over a breakup,

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Speaker 4: to reinvent yourself as a.

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Speaker 2: Woman, it off do the big cut because she made

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Speaker 2: that hair.

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Speaker 3: A lot of people do that with their locks too,

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Speaker 3: saying locks hold trauma, like locks hole grief and pain.

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Speaker 1: Like I've heard of men.

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Speaker 3: Doing it as well, but I didn't realize it until

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Speaker 3: men having locks.

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Speaker 4: Man locks hold weight and when that hairlines start seeding,

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Speaker 4: it let it go.

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Speaker 1: You know. I will tell you I've.

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Speaker 3: Had a really crazy experience with cutting my hair recently,

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Speaker 3: like to the point where I was so embarrassed. So

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Speaker 3: I asked everybody in New York what's the best natural

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Speaker 3: hair salon to go to? I wish I could shout

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Speaker 3: them out. I can't remember the name, but it's midtown.

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Speaker 3: So get there and I'm going.

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Speaker 1: For a twist out and she goes, oh, you need

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Speaker 1: a trim.

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Speaker 3: And I'm like, a trim or did it turn into

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Speaker 3: a cut? I said, I'm not ready for a drim.

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Speaker 3: She's like, it's just a little bit. You have dead

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Speaker 3: ends is breaking off your hair. We want to keep

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Speaker 3: your hair long and healthy. Girl, But you know what,

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Speaker 3: I appreciate black women get it. So she takes my

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Speaker 3: hair down and you know, we're holding on to the

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Speaker 3: lake because that's the thing that you can out of

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Speaker 3: half the length thank you're talking about. So she gets

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Speaker 3: the scissors out, starts showing me where it's gonna be

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Speaker 3: exactly falling, crying like a child, full on tears. It's

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Speaker 3: like getting really dramatic. And this old lady comes up

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Speaker 3: to me and she's like, baby, this is okay. You're

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Speaker 3: gonna beautiful After you feel like it's a lot, It's

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Speaker 3: not a lot.

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Speaker 1: It's gonna save you.

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Speaker 3: Like you're gonna be released from this like, don't let it,

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Speaker 3: you know, ruin your crown.

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Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh my god, bro. When I was

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Speaker 1: done crying, I was so embarrassed.

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Speaker 3: They all some we're gonna be in sweet and I

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Speaker 3: know so many young girls and they fall like.

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Speaker 2: Bitch and it crying.

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Speaker 1: Oh the two inches.

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Speaker 2: Hello, And then one of the girls in the chair goes.

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Speaker 1: But you got good hair. It's three c and I'm

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Speaker 1: just like fuck.

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Speaker 3: But growing up, I didn't feel like this was good

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Speaker 3: hair because I'm the girl that I thought would have that.

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Speaker 1: Oh you know, every mixed girl's got that Tracy Ells

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Speaker 1: Ross hair.

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Speaker 3: Let's just say that thick, that curly, that sexy, big hair,

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Speaker 3: and I didn't have that. My hair wasn't you know,

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Speaker 3: passed mid back and like the way that I attached

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Speaker 3: length to like how I feel about myself is crazy.

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Speaker 3: The relationship growing into like should I be natural or not?

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Speaker 3: Like I'm trying my best, but it's a long journey.

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Speaker 1: So that I would say I'm not gonnae eaten as

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Speaker 1: a gift that messed with that messes with our self esteem.

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Speaker 4: I was gonna say like and and I was I

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Speaker 4: was lucky to get this book. That's why I was like,

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Speaker 4: can you send it? But this has so many conversations

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Speaker 4: about specifically Black women and their journeys through the self

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Speaker 4: esteem and hair is one, beatures is another, uh, skin

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Speaker 4: color is another.

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Speaker 1: Uh. For me, it was always weight and size.

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Speaker 4: I felt like I was a little lucky coming from

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Speaker 4: the South, which is probably why I have this full

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Speaker 4: on hate relationship with LA because I had gone to

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Speaker 4: LA as a young adult and completely felt destroyed based

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Speaker 4: on my appearance, my size.

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Speaker 2: But this book.

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Speaker 4: Taps into self esteem what it means, and later on

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Speaker 4: we'll talk about how it shows up and not only

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Speaker 4: relationships with the bedroom.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, because boy does it show up? Boy doesn't show up?

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Speaker 4: And it's crazy because we just had you Got Decisions

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Speaker 4: listener right in who talked about like how do I

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Speaker 4: get sexy in the bedroom with this belly? And we

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Speaker 4: looked at the picture of her and we didn't even

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Speaker 4: see a belly, Like is.

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Speaker 1: The belly in the room, right? But also what do

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Speaker 1: we think is a belly?

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Speaker 3: It's so subjective, just like that girl saying to me,

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Speaker 3: I got good hair, and I'm feeling like my hair

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Speaker 3: is so difficult to deal with, Like the way that

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Speaker 3: we see perfection and body and like, the best thing

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Speaker 3: I've heard someone say to me when I was feeling

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Speaker 3: down on myself.

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Speaker 1: It wasn't someone who was my therapist.

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Speaker 3: He was like, Yo, you gotta start looking at pictures

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Speaker 3: of your perfect body, and don't look at your perfect

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Speaker 3: body when you were twenty.

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Speaker 1: You thirty four.

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Speaker 3: Last six months, baby, he said, find that perfect body.

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Speaker 3: You didn't say last six months, he said, the last

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Speaker 3: two years. Figure out your find your favorite photo of

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Speaker 3: yourself in the last two years, he said, don't even

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Speaker 3: choose thirty your homeowns have changed your metabolism. Pick your

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Speaker 3: best self in the last years and maybe strive for

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Speaker 3: that goal. Because right now you're looking at all these

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Speaker 3: girls on ig like, oh my hamstrings on quad like

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Speaker 3: this and that. He's like, their bodies are not your

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Speaker 3: bodies period, it's your like your body is an inheritance.

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Speaker 3: This is something that I learned from Sonali Raschatore on

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Speaker 3: Instagram at the fat Sex Therapist.

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Speaker 1: Oh I like and talks about the body being an heirloom.

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Speaker 1: You cannot inherit somebody else's body. You can give up

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Speaker 1: pieces of yourself to work for something that doesn't belong

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Speaker 1: to you. That's what I mean.

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Speaker 2: If you want to do that, that's you. That's you.

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Speaker 1: But I love what your therapist said, look at your

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Speaker 1: perfect body, not as somebody else's perfect body.

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Speaker 2: Especially since you don't know what it took for them

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Speaker 2: to get that body.

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Speaker 1: Some of them bought it, and but some people are

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Speaker 1: trying to pass that thing off. I did this extra

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Speaker 1: hard work and I ate weeked every day and I

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Speaker 1: don't know, I don't.

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Speaker 3: Know, told her she and that's what I knew.

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Speaker 1: This is different.

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Speaker 4: Well, no, she did have everybody doing that lemonading Kaye

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Speaker 4: diet bout it was only God damn lemonade kai that

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Speaker 4: it was.

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Speaker 2: It was that one or what she said.

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Speaker 1: I have no popular opinions about diets in general, and

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Speaker 1: when I hear the words like intermittent fast or what

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Speaker 1: about the watermelon? But starving that's what we're doing in starving,

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Speaker 1: but certain hours.

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Speaker 2: Of the day.

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Speaker 1: Wait, you don't like interviewing and manifest I chose to

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Speaker 1: selectively starve myself because somebody said that if I do that,

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Speaker 1: then I will look in X way, which is not

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Speaker 1: mine to look like. And so I don't like who

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Speaker 1: I am in this moment. Don't want to dress the

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Speaker 1: body that I have. Don't want to show up fully

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Speaker 1: in my authentic self because I'm busy trying to wear

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Speaker 1: somebody else's. Yeah, wild while to me, because if you

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Speaker 1: said intermittent starving, it would feel different. There are other

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Speaker 1: people doing the same thing you're doing. It's fast congo there,

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Speaker 1: but they don't call it intermittent fast, and they just

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Speaker 1: look at us like we are ridiculous.

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Speaker 2: But it's fast and bad. I mean it's subjecting.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I mean she thinks if you're trying to

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Speaker 1: get closer to God, I guess it works.

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Speaker 3: I actually think fast thing is the best thing to

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Speaker 3: get closer to myself meditation, fasting.

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Speaker 1: But I think that if you're doing it mentally, emotionally,

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Speaker 1: that feels something very different than I am doing weight

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Speaker 1: for weight loss. I look like because I mean, on

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Speaker 1: one end, don't we all sort of intermittently fast breakfast

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Speaker 1: at this time and I don't eat lunch until noon

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Speaker 1: between the aight A and breakfast and the noon lunch

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Speaker 1: all right, also for four hour but it's it's just

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Speaker 1: to me, it's just a little bit odd because I

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Speaker 1: feel like anarexia got a remix, and we call it

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Speaker 1: intermittent fasting, anorexia like not eating. It just got a

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Speaker 1: remix and we call it intermittent fasting, and we're okay

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Speaker 1: with that. And I think that a lot of things

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Speaker 1: got a remix to and they become these things that

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Speaker 1: we put between ourselves and ourselves we are asking where

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Speaker 1: is our self esteem? How come we don't feel it?

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Speaker 1: We are blamed for if we don't. You know that

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Speaker 1: if we don't feel it, like, oh, well, if you

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Speaker 1: don't have it self. Ustaement is about your motherfuckerself. So

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Speaker 1: if you don't have it, it's a you problem. I'm

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Speaker 1: looking like, no, it's a week problem. If everybody you

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Speaker 1: see has a self esteem problem, then at what point

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Speaker 1: does it stop being an individual problem.

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Speaker 2: And start being a systemic one.

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Speaker 1: I agree with that the system is all a in it.

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Speaker 1: It tells us which skin tones are desirable, It tells

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Speaker 1: us which hair textures are desirable, which bodies are desirable.

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Speaker 1: It told us bbls are out right.

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Speaker 2: Now you're looking like they said, you don't see that.

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Speaker 1: All the girls are doing reversal. Kardashians are getting Oh,

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Speaker 1: I thought that was just mad, because Drake, you know,

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Speaker 1: it returns to white and I thought they just did it.

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Speaker 3: There's a reclamation of like being white is COOLi in

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Speaker 3: and I think it's started from the ozentbic era because

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Speaker 3: what we realize is body positivity wasn't real and that

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Speaker 3: actually kind of sucks because oh yeah.

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Speaker 4: No one likes Lozzone anymore because she lost weight, right,

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Speaker 4: But the problem I mean probably the lawsuit, but I digress.

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Speaker 1: A little bit.

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Speaker 3: But now it makes you wonder does anyone really love

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Speaker 3: themselves at that weight? And it's tough because it's like

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Speaker 3: there's a skinny girl fight of like, oh well, it's

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Speaker 3: hard to be this way too, which I understand maybe

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Speaker 3: you're super super small. But at the end of the day,

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Speaker 3: like even many antidotes to get bigger, people.

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Speaker 1: Are not People are not discriminating against people with bodies.

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Speaker 1: They may be there's interpersonal violence, right, like there's the

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Speaker 1: fuck you skinny bitch, whatever, but there's not systemic There

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Speaker 1: are not systems in place to discriminate against people with

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Speaker 1: skinny bodies.

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Speaker 2: I've said that I love anyone who.

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Speaker 1: Is trying to say it probably also believes in reverse racism,

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Speaker 1: also believes in reverse colorism, believes in reverse sexism, and

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Speaker 1: I'm just like, if you're if you're going to go

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Speaker 1: ahead and believe in the reverse, then why don't you

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Speaker 1: put on your Sandy Clause hat too while you're at it,

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Speaker 1: and maybe buy me some gifts and just pretend. Because

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Speaker 1: if you want to live over there in the land

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Speaker 1: of make believe, that's your business. You can do that.

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Speaker 1: But it does not exist. Don't exist. I said the same.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, people literally cannot fit. Literally.

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Speaker 2: I lost the argument.

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Speaker 4: Like I had a conversation, especially like when I was bigger.

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Speaker 1: I ended up having weight loss surgery.

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Speaker 4: But when I talked about like the plight of the

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Speaker 4: things that I had to go through being two hundred

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Speaker 4: and thirty pounds at five foot one, regardless of how

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Speaker 4: y'all think it was distributed, and it looked like whatever,

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Speaker 4: because I've heard that too, while you were shapely whatever,

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Speaker 4: Like there were things like I literally at one point

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Speaker 4: was the size eighteen. So the conversation of what that

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Speaker 4: experience looked like, from getting into clubs, to how people

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Speaker 4: treated me at restaurants, to what partners thought of me,

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Speaker 4: to all the things. When I spoke about that, and

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Speaker 4: she's like, oh, well, you know that skinny folk like

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Speaker 4: skinny people have skinny phobia too, and they're discriminating, the

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Speaker 4: discriminated against and all that, And we had to have

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Speaker 4: the conversation and it didn't go well, and our friendship

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Speaker 4: never was the same after that, and she did end

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Speaker 4: up dealing with her own interpersonal things. But literally I

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Speaker 4: wasn't gonna allow her to she really she was, and

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Speaker 4: she had an eating disorder at the time, but regardless

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Speaker 4: of whatever, her again, interpersonal relationships with her body looked like, Bro, it's.

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Speaker 2: You're not gonna It's not a worldwide issue. It's just

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Speaker 2: not so.

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Speaker 4: And I don't want to get too deep on that

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Speaker 4: because that's a debate all on this thing.

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Speaker 2: I don't want us to appear like a red pill.

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Speaker 1: I think it's a easplination.

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Speaker 3: You said about interpersonal there's an influencer that someone just

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Speaker 3: sent me. Her name is Hallie Bachelor. She's a really

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Speaker 3: popular white girl. She has a podcast as well, and

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Speaker 3: she was sharing a clip with me about the girl

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Speaker 3: talking about having to eating disorder, and there was a

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Speaker 3: TikTok to me. She's like, I know, I look disgusting.

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Speaker 3: She's very very thin, and she doesn't look disgusting. She

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Speaker 3: just looks like, oh, it's like an alarming spinny, and she's.

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Speaker 1: Like, I get it.

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Speaker 3: I know what I look like like. I don't need

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Speaker 3: you guys to tell me every day I'm trying. And

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Speaker 3: the next week, for the next time I saw her face,

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Speaker 3: she was at a fashion week show, and all I

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Speaker 3: could think to myself was, Okay, there is a skinny thing.

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Speaker 1: You are going to feel like.

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Speaker 3: Shit, someone's gonna talk shit to you. But you're still

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Speaker 3: in the rooms, You're still, you're still you still have

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Speaker 3: the access.

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Speaker 1: So I don't tell them that they shouldn't be visible,

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Speaker 1: that they shouldn't be there, right.

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Speaker 2: And you then have to take what they can get

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Speaker 2: in terms of dating. They like all of.

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Speaker 1: The things when I say it, but eat that exactly.

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Speaker 1: I'm just like, quite frankly, there is a fat body

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Speaker 1: genocide going on outside and nobody wants to call it

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Speaker 1: what it is. I'm just like, we don't want to

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Speaker 1: see fat bodies, and so we believe that those bodies

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Speaker 1: should not exist in space. How do we celebrate the body?

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Speaker 3: Then, in the body positivity movement, in letting people know

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Speaker 3: that they look amazing as they are. But then still,

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Speaker 3: because that's the little thing that just happened to all

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Speaker 3: of the internet, right, do you love it or do

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Speaker 3: you not? And I think that's what aspect. Are we

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Speaker 3: going to believe that the body's positivity movement is real?

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Speaker 2: Now?

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Speaker 3: That's basically what the internet is going through. They're saying

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Speaker 3: Lizzle is a liar because she decided to lose weight,

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Speaker 3: and honestly, to me, I think there's a difference from

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Speaker 3: weight loss journey health.

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Speaker 1: I think they.

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Speaker 3: Both weigh Like, I don't really care that Lizzie said

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Speaker 3: she was on Ozimpic. That bitch was posting workout videos

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Speaker 3: damn near every day, like you know what I mean.

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Speaker 3: So it's like, okay, so you couldn't do both. So

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Speaker 3: I think it's just this whole thing of like where

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Speaker 3: is the juxtaposition of your big stay that way? And

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Speaker 3: also you can do this thing for your health and

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Speaker 3: we celebrate it too.

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Speaker 4: There's a difference between what society is saying about you

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Speaker 4: and how you should exist and your own self esteem.

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Speaker 2: That's just what it is.

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Speaker 1: And may you all seem like it's about health, And

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Speaker 1: I'm just like, okay in that case, if I want

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Speaker 1: to make it true, if I want to make all

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Speaker 1: problems about appearance about health. You can argue the same

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Speaker 1: thing about colorism, right, that it's actually healthier for.

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Speaker 2: You to be lighter skinned. That's the science.

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Speaker 1: You are less likely to be harmed or discriminated against,

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Speaker 1: You're more likely to be in spaces, more likely to

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Speaker 1: get paid the money that you should for the job

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Speaker 1: that you are doing.

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Speaker 2: They do not wholly discriminate against you in the same way.

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Speaker 1: In a hospital setting, for example, we just went through

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Speaker 1: this whole lovely panini and they what they found out

401
00:19:16,359 --> 00:19:20,040
Speaker 1: is that the pulse oximiter doesn't actually read very well

402
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:20,760
Speaker 1: through melanin.

403
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:25,240
Speaker 2: So or they were sending people home who died at home.

404
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Speaker 1: So I'm saying that the world is set up also

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00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:32,919
Speaker 1: for white people and for white people. Then from that

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00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:36,080
Speaker 1: you can argue that you should be bleaching. I don't

407
00:19:36,119 --> 00:19:36,720
Speaker 1: think that's true.

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00:19:37,359 --> 00:19:40,240
Speaker 3: All right, cho hard on this one, but I'd like

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Speaker 3: some people would. We are in the era of my

410
00:19:42,359 --> 00:19:45,679
Speaker 3: six hundred pounds life and motherfuckers with them pizzas on

411
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:47,920
Speaker 3: top of their ass and that shit. Actually, you know what,

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Speaker 3: I would even say, the most unhealthy thing a lot

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Speaker 3: of my friends do, fuck big is the drinking. They

414
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Speaker 3: have habits where they just don't give a fuck about

415
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Speaker 3: their body. It's the drinking, it's going out, it's the

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Speaker 3: like what even what they want?

417
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,000
Speaker 1: Just not caring.

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Speaker 3: And it didn't hit me until I turned thirty that like, oh,

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Speaker 3: I actually got to give a fuck while I'm putting

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Speaker 3: in there. However, what I will tell you, you know, all

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00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:11,000
Speaker 3: true honesty is I just.

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00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,680
Speaker 1: Started giving a fuck like a week ago.

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Speaker 3: Which about your what you went in my bigger homegirls

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Speaker 3: are actually not the most unhealthy ones I know.

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Speaker 1: No, I'm the most unhealthy one.

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Speaker 5: I know.

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00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:20,680
Speaker 1: Like it's just.

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Speaker 3: Everyone that's either in the middle or either super skinny

429
00:20:23,119 --> 00:20:26,160
Speaker 3: and just not paying attention. But like, I think health

430
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,040
Speaker 3: could have something to do with it. I just think

431
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:30,360
Speaker 3: we don't round it out to everybody. I think that

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Speaker 3: we live in a culture of health ism. We've turned

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Speaker 3: it into another ism. It's another thing to judge people by.

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Speaker 1: It becomes a conversation about the morality of a person,

435
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Speaker 1: whether or not we perceived them as being a healthy

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Speaker 1: person or an unhealthy person.

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Speaker 2: I mean only and what we believed us that it's

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Speaker 2: at we ask you who getting tested and who fucking wrong?

439
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:53,720
Speaker 2: But thereabout it? Want to be healthy until you ask

440
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:54,840
Speaker 2: nigga if he wrape it up.

441
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:56,480
Speaker 4: It's so funny because me and my homegirl, we're just

442
00:20:56,480 --> 00:21:00,280
Speaker 4: having this conversation and we literally just had she hit

443
00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:02,640
Speaker 4: someone recently. And when I say recently, in the last

444
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:05,200
Speaker 4: six months, we had both recently had somebody that we

445
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:09,960
Speaker 4: were casually having sex with. Both of these men asked, so,

446
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:12,360
Speaker 4: how long do we have to fuck until I could

447
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:16,040
Speaker 4: take the kind of all? Not not when will we

448
00:21:16,119 --> 00:21:19,119
Speaker 4: get together? How long until this goes to the next step?

449
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:22,960
Speaker 4: The question was literally, so, how long how many times

450
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,399
Speaker 4: do we have to do this before I could fuck you?

451
00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:24,640
Speaker 5: Row?

452
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:26,040
Speaker 1: What?

453
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:29,240
Speaker 4: And we literally just sat on the phone and was like, bitch,

454
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:30,920
Speaker 4: you guys asked that too, And I had to tell

455
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:33,280
Speaker 4: her who asked me? And I said, what's crazy is

456
00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:36,480
Speaker 4: we're not even fucking now. He said this by maybe

457
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:38,960
Speaker 4: the third, third, or fourth time we fucked, and it

458
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:43,080
Speaker 4: was just like and then, well, maybe that's the next step. Well,

459
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:45,840
Speaker 4: I mean, well, I guess everyone wants to live like

460
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:49,040
Speaker 4: Stefan disposed to ask that question.

461
00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:53,359
Speaker 1: You're not supposed to ask that question. No, wait about

462
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:56,600
Speaker 1: fucking raw? Hold on, wait, wait, wait, wait, that conversation

463
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:57,080
Speaker 1: comes up.

464
00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:59,320
Speaker 4: Yeah, but that shouldn't be a question that you asked

465
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:02,000
Speaker 4: like that, that's my I'm saying on the conversation about

466
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:05,120
Speaker 4: being healthy, Like to be fair, it's the same thing.

467
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:08,320
Speaker 4: Let's just call everybody at this point a hypocrite. If

468
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:12,119
Speaker 4: you said someone believes in a skinny phobia, that means.

469
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:13,879
Speaker 1: They believe in reverse racism verse all this.

470
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:17,919
Speaker 4: At that point, it's a hypocritical, dumb ass question to

471
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,240
Speaker 4: ask if you are casually having sex with someone that

472
00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:24,360
Speaker 4: you possibly have no intention on being with, marrying, co parenting,

473
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,359
Speaker 4: with having children with, when can I find I'm.

474
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,080
Speaker 3: Actually really serious? I mean, some people want to be

475
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:32,679
Speaker 3: with you, maybe with other bonding. How what is the

476
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:35,360
Speaker 3: appropriate way to tell somebody like can we do this up?

477
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:37,840
Speaker 3: I don't think it's a hypnop. We how often are

478
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:39,639
Speaker 3: we geting? How often do you want to get tested?

479
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:41,440
Speaker 3: Do we need to get tested in every month? Are

480
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:46,120
Speaker 3: we exclusively having sex together? Like the idea that anyone would.

481
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:50,359
Speaker 4: Casually want to have unprotected sex with you without wanting

482
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:54,359
Speaker 4: to further the relationship, to me is nuts. The fact

483
00:22:54,359 --> 00:22:57,520
Speaker 4: that we were casually having sex. I'm casually having sex

484
00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:00,280
Speaker 4: with other people. We're talking, I know you're having with

485
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,720
Speaker 4: other women When the when the conversation is that we're

486
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:05,760
Speaker 4: both out doing our thing and not really looking to

487
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:10,160
Speaker 4: be serious. To me, at no point until you're ready

488
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:13,639
Speaker 4: to have some sort of an exclusive conversation, should you

489
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:16,400
Speaker 4: even have the gall to ask me when you can

490
00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:16,800
Speaker 4: fuck me?

491
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:19,159
Speaker 3: What if you guys are each other's main partners just

492
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,200
Speaker 3: because you don't want a relationship, even if I think

493
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:24,240
Speaker 3: it's absolutely okay to have conversations about what level to

494
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:24,640
Speaker 3: take the.

495
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:27,800
Speaker 4: Set, Yeah, so cool, have the conversation. I'm saying, it's

496
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:30,320
Speaker 4: it's that in no way is a question. Like me

497
00:23:30,359 --> 00:23:33,240
Speaker 4: and my friend responded the same way. If we're casual partners,

498
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:34,840
Speaker 4: I don't care if you're the main and I fuck

499
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:37,560
Speaker 4: you ten times a month, but I only fuck another

500
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:38,680
Speaker 4: guy wants every other month.

501
00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:41,040
Speaker 2: That's an open relationship to me. But that's what I'm saying.

502
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:46,240
Speaker 4: And as for as long as everyone is fucking other people,

503
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:50,560
Speaker 4: I personally don't want any man, any of my boyfriends,

504
00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:53,600
Speaker 4: any of my casual partners to ask me, so when

505
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,919
Speaker 4: can I fuck you? Rong, especially as a woman who

506
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:59,200
Speaker 4: has chosen not to want to have children and does

507
00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:03,280
Speaker 4: not want to catch anything out here like bro Like,

508
00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:06,159
Speaker 4: I don't know to me cool. It could be a

509
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:08,480
Speaker 4: conversation for all of y'all out here that I think

510
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:10,960
Speaker 4: it feels so much better. But to me, if you're

511
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:15,640
Speaker 4: in a casual relationship as a man, to ask a woman,

512
00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:17,600
Speaker 4: when can I get in them guts raw? As a

513
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:20,919
Speaker 4: man who's not pursuing anything further, I think it's a

514
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,280
Speaker 4: disrespectful question to ask.

515
00:24:22,359 --> 00:24:26,159
Speaker 3: That's he asked you disrespectfully, But the conversation does come

516
00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:28,119
Speaker 3: up between casual partners like that.

517
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:31,280
Speaker 1: To me, I think it's a disrespectful question nonetheless, like

518
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:37,320
Speaker 1: for you in parentheses, and it's okay that it's disrespectful

519
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:39,360
Speaker 1: for you. For other people, it's not disrespectful.

520
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:39,760
Speaker 5: For me.

521
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:44,399
Speaker 1: It's a conversation of how do you communicate? When do

522
00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:47,119
Speaker 1: you communicate? And what are you communicating? A lot of

523
00:24:47,119 --> 00:24:49,520
Speaker 1: people they be they talk, but they don't say shit.

524
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,800
Speaker 1: So and there's a lot of people who never get

525
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:55,720
Speaker 1: to the point. And someone asking you outright like hey,

526
00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:58,720
Speaker 1: when would it be cool for me to have sex

527
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:00,639
Speaker 1: with you without a condom? I think that that's a

528
00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:03,800
Speaker 1: pretty good question to have if they have it, But

529
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:06,160
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean that it's a good a good question

530
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:10,240
Speaker 1: for you to receive on your end without the added

531
00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:12,920
Speaker 1: piece around commitment. And I think not only people don't

532
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:15,320
Speaker 1: know that until they know that, if you don't say it,

533
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,199
Speaker 1: they don't know, which means they've got to ask not

534
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:17,920
Speaker 1: only commitments.

535
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:20,080
Speaker 4: And I guess I can only speak so strongly about that.

536
00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:22,280
Speaker 4: You have a chapter in your book that talks about

537
00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:27,440
Speaker 4: communication with yourself, yes, right, and how that folk is self.

538
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:29,879
Speaker 4: Self talk is a real thing, And so I guess,

539
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:33,160
Speaker 4: like where wanting to allow all of y'all if y'all

540
00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:36,399
Speaker 4: out here fucking multiple people raw whooped de doo in

541
00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:39,000
Speaker 4: my goddamn young Doug boys like, good for you, you

542
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:41,560
Speaker 4: know what I mean. But for me, I think why

543
00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:45,280
Speaker 4: I can feel so passionate about that is because I've

544
00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:49,240
Speaker 4: had those talks with myself. I'm very confident in how

545
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:52,800
Speaker 4: I feel and treat my body, and like, to me,

546
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:55,520
Speaker 4: I know I don't want pregnancy, I don't want an STD.

547
00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:58,080
Speaker 4: I know that I'm out here with multiple partners. I

548
00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:01,480
Speaker 4: know that you have multiple partners. Actually, because the communication

549
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:05,400
Speaker 4: between me and my partners is so open and honest,

550
00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:07,480
Speaker 4: the question about when you get to fuck me raw

551
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:11,000
Speaker 4: to me is crazy because if that's a conversation with

552
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:13,080
Speaker 4: me but other three you don't know well three or

553
00:26:13,119 --> 00:26:15,919
Speaker 4: four times into fucking me, and I know you're fucking

554
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:19,240
Speaker 4: other people. I have to assume I'm saying, well, but

555
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:24,320
Speaker 4: he don't know you write anyone, anyone that is encountering you,

556
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:26,399
Speaker 4: you have to assume that, assume that they're encountering you

557
00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:26,960
Speaker 4: for the first time.

558
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:28,440
Speaker 1: This is my first time in a room with y'all.

559
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:30,800
Speaker 1: Like I have been aware of y'all. You have never

560
00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:33,520
Speaker 1: been aware of me. Right. It's like when people be like, oh,

561
00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:37,560
Speaker 1: I know Obama, okay, but Boo, you know TV Obama,

562
00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:40,680
Speaker 1: you know over there Obama? You know you know that one.

563
00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:46,000
Speaker 1: You don't know Obama right right like, And even then

564
00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:50,080
Speaker 1: even if you know them, they don't know you, right

565
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:54,880
Speaker 1: Like in my mind, I know Beyonce, Beyonce does not

566
00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:59,639
Speaker 1: know me, and I'm just like, true, that's okay, that's okay.

567
00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:03,920
Speaker 1: So that means that they have questions.

568
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:05,240
Speaker 2: They're going to have questions.

569
00:27:05,359 --> 00:27:09,080
Speaker 1: So however you do your sex life stuff, actually, however

570
00:27:09,119 --> 00:27:11,840
Speaker 1: you do stuff in general. The point is this, no

571
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:13,760
Speaker 1: one can ever read your mind. And if you are

572
00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:15,879
Speaker 1: expecting people to be able to read your mind and

573
00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:19,600
Speaker 1: thus to perform according to what they presumed about you.

574
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:22,040
Speaker 2: Y'all are always going to have a miscommunication.

575
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:24,480
Speaker 1: There's always going to be a misfire, And really those

576
00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:27,680
Speaker 1: are some of the seeds that sprout up these type

577
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:30,399
Speaker 1: of relationships that everybody says that they don't want because

578
00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:33,240
Speaker 1: no one wants to take actual accountability, which is different

579
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:39,480
Speaker 1: from responsibility. Responsibility and accountability. Responsibility is task oriented. Accountability

580
00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:43,040
Speaker 1: is outcome oriented. If the shit don't work out every

581
00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:47,520
Speaker 1: single time, are you doing the same shit? Like when

582
00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:50,360
Speaker 1: is your role in the thing? Nobody wants to talk

583
00:27:50,359 --> 00:27:52,440
Speaker 1: about their role. We just want to talk about somebody

584
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:56,320
Speaker 1: else's role. So where it comes to that piece of it,

585
00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:58,440
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, nobody knows whether or not it's okay

586
00:27:58,480 --> 00:27:59,919
Speaker 1: to fuck you raw until they are.

587
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:03,280
Speaker 2: So he did what is responsible for him to do?

588
00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:06,000
Speaker 1: If you do, if you don't even like the outcome

589
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:08,960
Speaker 1: that someone would ask you this type of question, that's

590
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,600
Speaker 1: where you leave, Like, Hey, you and I are going

591
00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:12,600
Speaker 1: to be sex partners.

592
00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:14,200
Speaker 2: I am having sex with other people.

593
00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:19,399
Speaker 1: You're one of seven or however, and I do not

594
00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:22,000
Speaker 1: have sex with anybody wrong who I'm not in a

595
00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:24,479
Speaker 1: fully committed relationship with.

596
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:28,479
Speaker 2: So please do not ask, and do not stealth because

597
00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:29,560
Speaker 2: that is illegal.

598
00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:32,080
Speaker 4: Oh we talked about sealth, and y'all can read about

599
00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:37,560
Speaker 4: myself and storry in the No host Bar to doing

600
00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:40,360
Speaker 4: manifest those sex talks pering it.

601
00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:42,240
Speaker 2: I read it and I was just like, both of

602
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:44,680
Speaker 2: y'all were very raw and very real, and I thank you.

603
00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:48,040
Speaker 1: I noticed the connection between drunk watermatch business and No

604
00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:48,560
Speaker 1: Holds Bar.

605
00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:52,760
Speaker 4: I was just like, and these things go together, both

606
00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:55,680
Speaker 4: hand and hand. So we're gonna get into our truth

607
00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:59,120
Speaker 4: and their portion of the show. And we did Truth

608
00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:01,760
Speaker 4: and the Air because is you gotta do both? We

609
00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:03,640
Speaker 4: know everybody gonna choose truth, And I said, no, we're

610
00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:06,960
Speaker 4: gonna get these hosts there, so truth and are you

611
00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:07,720
Speaker 4: don't get to choose.

612
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:11,440
Speaker 2: You gotta do both. So for truth leaning into self esteem,

613
00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:14,360
Speaker 2: I would love you to share with us because this

614
00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:15,480
Speaker 2: is a vulnerable show.

615
00:29:16,080 --> 00:29:18,680
Speaker 4: What is one of the biggest insecurities that you've faced

616
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:21,600
Speaker 4: in dating and are you still dealing with it?

617
00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:23,600
Speaker 2: If not, how did you overcome that?

618
00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:29,560
Speaker 1: Insecurity? I'm so damn cute. It's just so hard. The worst,

619
00:29:30,240 --> 00:29:33,560
Speaker 1: like ah, the worst as a person.

620
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:39,680
Speaker 2: Goodness, Okay, let me see, but for real, like I've

621
00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:41,840
Speaker 2: been sitting in this and I'm just like, I really

622
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:43,440
Speaker 2: do not know, and.

623
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:46,200
Speaker 1: I think I don't know because one of the things

624
00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:50,480
Speaker 1: that often came to me while I was dating, particularly

625
00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:54,400
Speaker 1: when I was in college. I went to the illustrious

626
00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:58,520
Speaker 1: Morgan State University. There we go, premier HBC. You in

627
00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:02,240
Speaker 1: all the land, I said, all the lands? So yes,

628
00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:04,320
Speaker 1: you got.

629
00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:07,440
Speaker 5: It.

630
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:09,240
Speaker 1: Yeah, they're gonna, They're gonna come to me.

631
00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:12,080
Speaker 2: And that's okay because my bears got me. I know

632
00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:13,320
Speaker 2: they do. I know they do.

633
00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:16,880
Speaker 1: But by the time I when I got there, what

634
00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:20,160
Speaker 1: I encountered for the kind of dudes that would say

635
00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:23,960
Speaker 1: things like you're the marrying kind. I don't know what that.

636
00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:27,080
Speaker 2: I was just like, oh, so then I can't just

637
00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:29,800
Speaker 2: we can't play I'm the marrying kind.

638
00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:33,960
Speaker 1: Cool. But then I met mister booth Thang. Okay, and

639
00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:36,800
Speaker 1: I met him in two thousand and five. I had

640
00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:42,360
Speaker 1: a boyfriend when I got there. Oh then I did

641
00:30:42,400 --> 00:30:45,280
Speaker 1: not have a boyfriend for too much longer after that,

642
00:30:45,320 --> 00:30:46,680
Speaker 1: and then it was me and mister booth Thang.

643
00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:47,200
Speaker 2: Okay.

644
00:30:47,640 --> 00:30:50,760
Speaker 4: So your insecurity was that you felt like the perception

645
00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:52,560
Speaker 4: of you was so wholesome that you didn't get to

646
00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:53,360
Speaker 4: kind of have fun.

647
00:30:53,920 --> 00:30:56,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean and I didn't. I don't think that

648
00:30:56,760 --> 00:30:58,720
Speaker 2: I knew how either, right.

649
00:30:58,880 --> 00:31:02,120
Speaker 1: I knew that my life had up to that point

650
00:31:02,200 --> 00:31:05,480
Speaker 1: had been about how do you do for others? Uh?

651
00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:08,040
Speaker 2: You know Nigerian parents, doctor.

652
00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:11,880
Speaker 1: Lawyer, engineer. You have to be an example for your sisters.

653
00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:16,880
Speaker 1: I'm the oldest of four, so it's like you have

654
00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:19,720
Speaker 1: to be the one to do everything correct. No, no, no, no,

655
00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:25,080
Speaker 1: give it to us harder. You better know, disappoint me?

656
00:31:25,880 --> 00:31:27,959
Speaker 1: Do you think I came to this country for this day?

657
00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:32,760
Speaker 1: So it's like, okay, how do I do what they

658
00:31:32,840 --> 00:31:35,560
Speaker 1: are asking in a way that still honors who I am?

659
00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:38,160
Speaker 2: But also, you know, organ.

660
00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:44,080
Speaker 1: Be on college? Fine, And I'll say this, I didn't

661
00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:47,080
Speaker 1: really succeed in that. I didn't start dating until after

662
00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:49,600
Speaker 1: college when me and miss the booth thing broke. God,

663
00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:53,760
Speaker 1: now we did come back around. But husband, yes, okay,

664
00:31:53,800 --> 00:31:57,160
Speaker 1: it's okay. How long was the break up?

665
00:31:57,200 --> 00:31:59,640
Speaker 3: We actually just had an episode where we were talking

666
00:31:59,680 --> 00:32:03,000
Speaker 3: about do you need to break up in order for

667
00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:04,880
Speaker 3: to know if the relationship is worth it?

668
00:32:05,600 --> 00:32:06,880
Speaker 1: Oh, we broke up more than once?

669
00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:09,600
Speaker 2: How many times? This is our third time? The third times?

670
00:32:09,640 --> 00:32:13,640
Speaker 1: The term okay, So we got together in two thousand

671
00:32:13,640 --> 00:32:16,920
Speaker 1: and five, two thousand and six, broke up in two

672
00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:20,120
Speaker 1: thousand and six, two thousand and seven, got back together

673
00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:25,120
Speaker 1: for like two months in two thousand and nine. Okay,

674
00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:28,160
Speaker 1: that's right, that's right. Okay, so almost twenty years though

675
00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:31,880
Speaker 1: of yeah, okay, got back together in like twenty fourteen,

676
00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:36,960
Speaker 1: twenty fifteen, been together. Okay, so ten years months and

677
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:40,200
Speaker 1: then ten years is such a oh yeah, because that

678
00:32:40,360 --> 00:32:43,080
Speaker 1: that second breakup was fuck you fuck you, don't call me,

679
00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:43,800
Speaker 1: don't call me?

680
00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:45,840
Speaker 2: Who unblocked each other first?

681
00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:50,600
Speaker 1: Who did it? I don't block, nobody never open, I

682
00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:51,240
Speaker 1: don't block.

683
00:32:51,760 --> 00:32:55,120
Speaker 2: I'm just like, don't call me here just but so

684
00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:56,240
Speaker 2: who called who first?

685
00:32:56,400 --> 00:33:02,880
Speaker 1: I called it? Just like just like oh observed, right, Okay, this.

686
00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:05,600
Speaker 2: As bad as being the blocker and unblocking.

687
00:33:05,760 --> 00:33:10,600
Speaker 3: Does the double back come from you feeling lonely officially

688
00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:11,320
Speaker 3: feeling single?

689
00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:13,400
Speaker 1: Or were you just like I want some dick? What

690
00:33:13,560 --> 00:33:15,440
Speaker 1: was the reason for that? I actually came to terms

691
00:33:15,480 --> 00:33:17,760
Speaker 1: with the fact that I made very well just be

692
00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:19,880
Speaker 1: single for the rest of my life, right Like it

693
00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:22,440
Speaker 1: was one of those things where like it was after

694
00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:24,760
Speaker 1: I had a date where a guy got on his

695
00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:28,400
Speaker 1: knees in the mud, wrapped his arms around my waist

696
00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:31,400
Speaker 1: and said, your wound is where I want to make

697
00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:32,880
Speaker 1: my life. Now here's the problem.

698
00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:34,680
Speaker 2: WHOA, yeah, it was scary.

699
00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:36,560
Speaker 1: This is the first number one, it's the first date.

700
00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:40,240
Speaker 1: Number two. It was let's go on a let's turn.

701
00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:43,360
Speaker 2: Amanda's that on the first date, I'm calling the cops.

702
00:33:44,120 --> 00:33:44,360
Speaker 1: Nine.

703
00:33:46,840 --> 00:33:52,920
Speaker 2: We weren't garden. All of a sudden it emptied.

704
00:33:52,600 --> 00:33:53,440
Speaker 1: Out and I was just like.

705
00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:57,160
Speaker 2: And I was just like, oh gosh, I might die here.

706
00:33:57,560 --> 00:33:58,480
Speaker 2: Oh I would be scared.

707
00:33:58,880 --> 00:33:59,240
Speaker 3: Uh huh.

708
00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:00,960
Speaker 2: I was like, oh, oh, this is the end I

709
00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:01,480
Speaker 2: want to live.

710
00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:07,120
Speaker 1: Like, oh that's okay, you yeah, okay, describe the esthetic man,

711
00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:09,279
Speaker 1: I don't know.

712
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:13,200
Speaker 4: Wait ho teping? This was white Man's like, oh yeah,

713
00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:14,960
Speaker 4: I don't. Girl, down't blame me. You you shouldn't have

714
00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:18,520
Speaker 4: been a girl, not life yoga?

715
00:34:21,239 --> 00:34:21,920
Speaker 2: Why are you doing it?

716
00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:24,040
Speaker 1: Like? I got catfish just a little bit because I'm

717
00:34:24,120 --> 00:34:25,919
Speaker 1: just like, well, the picture and the person who.

718
00:34:25,920 --> 00:34:27,080
Speaker 2: Came did not match up.

719
00:34:27,600 --> 00:34:30,480
Speaker 1: But and then he said that yes, And I was

720
00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:33,200
Speaker 1: just like, we're here in this space, we're alone. I'm

721
00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:34,480
Speaker 1: just like, how do I get back to my car?

722
00:34:34,600 --> 00:34:36,759
Speaker 1: You want to not end up flowers? Real bad girl,

723
00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:39,880
Speaker 1: I'm just like you're pushing up daisies. So I was

724
00:34:39,960 --> 00:34:42,879
Speaker 1: just like, wow, okay, I mean that's cool. We could

725
00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:45,160
Speaker 1: we could talk about we could talk, we could talk

726
00:34:45,200 --> 00:34:49,600
Speaker 1: about there ain't nothing to talk about. I actually actually

727
00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:50,640
Speaker 1: started screaming about us.

728
00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:51,200
Speaker 2: I'm excited.

729
00:34:51,520 --> 00:34:55,000
Speaker 4: I'm about to make you talk because the dare, the dare,

730
00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:58,480
Speaker 4: I'm gonna make you talk. Cover your ears, boothing so

731
00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:01,560
Speaker 4: for this, because we like to spice it up a

732
00:35:01,560 --> 00:35:01,840
Speaker 4: little bit.

733
00:35:01,880 --> 00:35:02,719
Speaker 1: Okay, let's keep it.

734
00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:07,640
Speaker 4: Pretend that you're a phone sex operator. Give your opening

735
00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:12,440
Speaker 4: line in character, in the sexiest tones to assure that

736
00:35:12,600 --> 00:35:19,160
Speaker 4: the collar gets hooked. I need three sentences, minimal ready,

737
00:35:19,760 --> 00:35:26,880
Speaker 4: and you gotta get it. Hey, I've got about ninety seconds.

738
00:35:27,600 --> 00:35:29,920
Speaker 1: My wife's about to come back in this room. I

739
00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:32,640
Speaker 1: just need to release m Well, you know why you're here.

740
00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:33,640
Speaker 1: I know why you're here.

741
00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:34,960
Speaker 2: Release you have my profession.

742
00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:37,160
Speaker 1: I asked for it.

743
00:35:38,880 --> 00:35:42,560
Speaker 2: Then get off the phone. All right, yeah, I want

744
00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:44,879
Speaker 2: to ask I would have We're tight.

745
00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:47,439
Speaker 1: I'm saying, my god, do you like to have sex

746
00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:50,080
Speaker 1: with me? I'm not I'm not baby voice, I'm not anything.

747
00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:52,759
Speaker 1: I'm like, I am not a Google. You No, I

748
00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:55,560
Speaker 1: don't Google. I don't got God, I'm just like, hey, wait,

749
00:35:55,640 --> 00:35:56,600
Speaker 1: you've never seen.

750
00:35:56,480 --> 00:35:59,480
Speaker 4: A sexy text message to booth thing like. While he

751
00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:02,720
Speaker 4: was at work, he was like, I pictures speak.

752
00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:04,680
Speaker 2: I don't. Oh, you don't do that.

753
00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:06,239
Speaker 1: I'm like, hey, you want to have sex when you

754
00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:06,640
Speaker 1: come home.

755
00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:11,040
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna hold you. Yes, I used to my sexty.

756
00:36:11,040 --> 00:36:13,040
Speaker 2: Will let me get that nut later, you.

757
00:36:13,080 --> 00:36:16,000
Speaker 1: Know what I mean. I mean sometimes I'll even be like, hey,

758
00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:17,000
Speaker 1: you want to be my sex toy?

759
00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:20,680
Speaker 2: Well, I asked if I can be their sex toy.

760
00:36:21,520 --> 00:36:23,879
Speaker 2: I always ask that. I am never the sex toy.

761
00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:26,200
Speaker 1: I know that happens like that.

762
00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:29,200
Speaker 2: It's reparations for orgasms loss from other women.

763
00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:31,120
Speaker 1: That's funny.

764
00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:32,160
Speaker 2: I'm not bad at that.

765
00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:36,080
Speaker 1: I'm that other women and not not just your Oh.

766
00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:39,720
Speaker 2: No, not no, no, she said, there's no problems.

767
00:36:39,880 --> 00:36:40,560
Speaker 1: There's no problems.

768
00:36:41,440 --> 00:36:41,880
Speaker 5: No problem.

769
00:36:48,160 --> 00:36:52,200
Speaker 4: Now, I wanted to get into another segment, a little

770
00:36:52,239 --> 00:36:53,840
Speaker 4: rebrand because y'r niggas.

771
00:36:53,880 --> 00:36:55,320
Speaker 2: Apparently we can't say homie.

772
00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:59,640
Speaker 4: So from the bedroom to the courtroom, we're taking this

773
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:02,880
Speaker 4: bitch to court. Okay, I'm gonna play a clip and

774
00:37:02,960 --> 00:37:05,840
Speaker 4: I want us all to decide if she is guilty

775
00:37:06,520 --> 00:37:08,960
Speaker 4: or if she is innocent. Now, when I play this clip,

776
00:37:09,400 --> 00:37:12,360
Speaker 4: you were going to decide if she is actually guilty

777
00:37:12,480 --> 00:37:14,960
Speaker 4: of having low self esteem and a lack of boundaries

778
00:37:15,680 --> 00:37:18,839
Speaker 4: or if she is an innocent victim of a man.

779
00:37:19,120 --> 00:37:23,680
Speaker 1: Okay, probably here goes the clip. I feel like at this.

780
00:37:23,760 --> 00:37:26,759
Speaker 5: Boy, I've been doing this situationship with Joel for over

781
00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:30,200
Speaker 5: like twenty years, and I really don't know what you want.

782
00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:32,000
Speaker 5: I don't think he knows what you wants.

783
00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:34,359
Speaker 3: I'm glad you said yes, though you know I don't

784
00:37:34,360 --> 00:37:35,280
Speaker 3: want to seem too clingy.

785
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:40,719
Speaker 1: What do you mean cleaned? You're not clingy enough? Like

786
00:37:41,080 --> 00:37:42,680
Speaker 1: it's homeboy and homegirl.

787
00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:46,399
Speaker 2: I mean, I don't know what time, why you want

788
00:37:46,440 --> 00:37:47,279
Speaker 2: to put a title on it.

789
00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:49,760
Speaker 5: It's like, why am I here? Why did you invite

790
00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:51,120
Speaker 5: me on to Danner? Why are you doing all this?

791
00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:53,800
Speaker 5: Why did you put the tablecloth in the candle and

792
00:37:54,040 --> 00:37:56,800
Speaker 5: the flowers and all this extra stuff, ma'am?

793
00:37:57,000 --> 00:37:58,840
Speaker 2: Okay, you said you know you've done You've seen it.

794
00:37:58,920 --> 00:38:00,160
Speaker 5: No, that is e No.

795
00:38:01,960 --> 00:38:05,320
Speaker 2: Is she guilty or innocent? She's guilty guilty.

796
00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:11,759
Speaker 1: Of a like number one. Geez, okay, let me take

797
00:38:11,800 --> 00:38:17,080
Speaker 1: a moment. Okay, okay, number one. It sounds like there

798
00:38:17,280 --> 00:38:20,960
Speaker 1: is some damnage self esteem there taking weight like. It

799
00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:23,480
Speaker 1: sounds like she knows what she deserves and she knows

800
00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:25,879
Speaker 1: that she's not getting it, but she's also not doing

801
00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:28,800
Speaker 1: anything about it. So I talk about self esteem on

802
00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:32,480
Speaker 1: a spectrum, being from secure self esteem, the next would

803
00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:36,120
Speaker 1: be fragile self esteem. You die by the likes, So

804
00:38:36,239 --> 00:38:38,440
Speaker 1: whether or not somebody compliments you will be the thing

805
00:38:38,560 --> 00:38:41,560
Speaker 1: that either it gases up your entire day or your

806
00:38:41,719 --> 00:38:44,839
Speaker 1: entire night. Damage self esteem is the one I see

807
00:38:44,920 --> 00:38:49,000
Speaker 1: most often in Black women because inside we know, we know,

808
00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:53,920
Speaker 1: but outside we don't say anything, we don't do anything different, okay,

809
00:38:54,560 --> 00:38:56,960
Speaker 1: And then there's vacant self esteem. It's just not there.

810
00:38:57,400 --> 00:38:58,160
Speaker 1: You don't have it.

811
00:38:58,640 --> 00:39:01,439
Speaker 2: And where do you think she? I think you're I don't.

812
00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:03,200
Speaker 1: I mean, because it's not the spectrum. She could be

813
00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:07,080
Speaker 1: in several spaces all at once. But number one the

814
00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:09,080
Speaker 1: place I have you pause. I'm looking like you're asking

815
00:39:09,200 --> 00:39:11,560
Speaker 1: the questions to the wrong person. It's not why did

816
00:39:11,640 --> 00:39:15,600
Speaker 1: you ask me out? Is why did you accept? Twenty

817
00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:20,759
Speaker 1: years is two decades. That's two tens, y'all, that's two

818
00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:23,520
Speaker 1: ten man. You could have two ten year olds or

819
00:39:23,719 --> 00:39:27,360
Speaker 1: one twenty year old child that is wild with the same.

820
00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:32,200
Speaker 3: Can I ask you, then, in terms of situationship, would

821
00:39:32,239 --> 00:39:36,480
Speaker 3: you say that overall a woman in a situationship has

822
00:39:36,560 --> 00:39:37,440
Speaker 3: little self esteem?

823
00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:41,880
Speaker 2: Like would you she chose to be in a situationship.

824
00:39:42,040 --> 00:39:45,640
Speaker 1: If they're okay with a situationship, then really you have

825
00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:48,200
Speaker 1: you probably have secure self esteem. You know what you want,

826
00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:50,480
Speaker 1: You've asked for what you want, and you're behaving in

827
00:39:50,560 --> 00:39:52,640
Speaker 1: a way that is also aligned with the thing that

828
00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:53,000
Speaker 1: you want.

829
00:39:53,080 --> 00:39:57,439
Speaker 2: Now she clearly wants more. This is the with love.

830
00:39:58,040 --> 00:40:02,160
Speaker 1: With love, with love, I mean it with love. This

831
00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:07,399
Speaker 1: is the equivalent of saying that you are a spectator

832
00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:10,239
Speaker 1: at a circus and that you don't know how this

833
00:40:10,400 --> 00:40:13,400
Speaker 1: clown got here when you actually are in one of

834
00:40:13,480 --> 00:40:17,239
Speaker 1: the rings with them, because you too are a clown. Oop,

835
00:40:18,120 --> 00:40:18,960
Speaker 1: What up, barnum?

836
00:40:19,440 --> 00:40:26,279
Speaker 3: How area a situationship last until you become the clown

837
00:40:26,360 --> 00:40:26,920
Speaker 3: for staying in it?

838
00:40:27,239 --> 00:40:30,160
Speaker 1: As the first you become a clown when you compromise.

839
00:40:30,400 --> 00:40:35,240
Speaker 1: There's a difference between compromising and being compromised. The second

840
00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:39,399
Speaker 1: you become compromised, you became one who wore the red

841
00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:43,680
Speaker 1: nose at this circus. You gave up yourself, You gave

842
00:40:43,760 --> 00:40:45,560
Speaker 1: up what you wanted, You gave up what you knew,

843
00:40:45,760 --> 00:40:48,359
Speaker 1: you gave up what you like in order to stick

844
00:40:48,400 --> 00:40:50,680
Speaker 1: around with this dude that won't even you, just you,

845
00:40:50,800 --> 00:40:56,720
Speaker 1: my special friend. Wait, how long do you believe?

846
00:40:56,880 --> 00:41:00,440
Speaker 3: Because this is how, in my opinion, situation start. It's

847
00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:02,960
Speaker 3: a man saying they ain't ready yet. If he ain't

848
00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:05,800
Speaker 3: ready to move on, only only if you want something,

849
00:41:06,160 --> 00:41:06,759
Speaker 3: if you want something.

850
00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:07,600
Speaker 2: And I say that all the time.

851
00:41:07,719 --> 00:41:10,040
Speaker 1: Hey, I know that a pop fives drive through and

852
00:41:10,160 --> 00:41:12,759
Speaker 1: they do not have the chicken ready, and they tell

853
00:41:12,880 --> 00:41:14,759
Speaker 1: me it's gonna be like twenty years to you know,

854
00:41:15,000 --> 00:41:18,720
Speaker 1: twenty twenty one minute, this chicken is gonna be ready.

855
00:41:19,040 --> 00:41:22,040
Speaker 1: I'm going somewhere else. I have to now decide whether

856
00:41:22,120 --> 00:41:25,160
Speaker 1: or not I'm willing to wait here for the time

857
00:41:25,239 --> 00:41:27,399
Speaker 1: where this thing is going to drop. And I think

858
00:41:27,440 --> 00:41:29,600
Speaker 1: that we are forgetting the part where we have to

859
00:41:29,840 --> 00:41:34,160
Speaker 1: ask ourselves are we willing to wait? And women in

860
00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:39,600
Speaker 1: particular are socialized to wait, socialized to give up of

861
00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:42,320
Speaker 1: themselves in order to be with someone else, and to

862
00:41:42,440 --> 00:41:46,520
Speaker 1: believe that life starts if a man, specifically a man

863
00:41:46,800 --> 00:41:51,040
Speaker 1: is present, regardless of whether or not you are gay, lesbian.

864
00:41:51,160 --> 00:41:53,920
Speaker 1: As the day is loan, they will still be waiting

865
00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:58,400
Speaker 1: for your true come uption when you are with a man.

866
00:41:59,560 --> 00:42:05,080
Speaker 1: So to see someone that pretty, who's probably very smart

867
00:42:05,239 --> 00:42:08,600
Speaker 1: in other areas of life, but not emphasising it here,

868
00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:13,640
Speaker 1: It's like, what are all of the circumstances and who

869
00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:16,440
Speaker 1: contributed to the circumstances? Because I do not believe that

870
00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:19,880
Speaker 1: she got there by herself. I think other people helped

871
00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:23,680
Speaker 1: her to be there. I'm wondering who are the who

872
00:42:23,719 --> 00:42:25,799
Speaker 1: are the perpetrators in your life that help that helped

873
00:42:25,880 --> 00:42:29,560
Speaker 1: dress you in clown gear, who drove you to the

874
00:42:29,640 --> 00:42:32,000
Speaker 1: circus and told you that just wait five more minutes.

875
00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:33,279
Speaker 2: I would like.

876
00:42:33,320 --> 00:42:35,880
Speaker 1: To say, I do think some of these clowns paint themselves.

877
00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:36,520
Speaker 1: Let me tell you why.

878
00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:39,600
Speaker 3: I think a lot of the women that end loving

879
00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:43,839
Speaker 3: situationships are fucking liars. I think they are telling these

880
00:42:43,920 --> 00:42:47,440
Speaker 3: men that they really good. I'm looking for god your

881
00:42:47,520 --> 00:42:49,359
Speaker 3: shit too. I'm dating other people too.

882
00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:52,560
Speaker 1: I have had so many women they hope to get yours.

883
00:42:52,880 --> 00:42:56,359
Speaker 3: Oh I cannot be a We cannot be that cool, bro.

884
00:42:57,040 --> 00:42:59,520
Speaker 3: There's not that many cool girls in the world. I'm

885
00:42:59,560 --> 00:43:02,440
Speaker 3: good you good like if that's what all you look like? No,

886
00:43:02,800 --> 00:43:05,880
Speaker 3: if you know you want love Suddenly.

887
00:43:05,680 --> 00:43:08,160
Speaker 1: We sound stupid for saying it out loud. And it's

888
00:43:08,239 --> 00:43:10,560
Speaker 1: like you can have both have the situationship while you

889
00:43:10,680 --> 00:43:13,040
Speaker 1: keep shopping right to me, it's like a job no

890
00:43:14,080 --> 00:43:18,120
Speaker 1: can your application that you don't you don't. You don't

891
00:43:18,120 --> 00:43:20,480
Speaker 1: say I want to work at this company and that

892
00:43:20,640 --> 00:43:22,839
Speaker 1: one only and that's the only place I'm ever going

893
00:43:22,920 --> 00:43:23,919
Speaker 1: to apply and hope.

894
00:43:24,080 --> 00:43:26,040
Speaker 3: Here's what I mean, here's why I think it's wrong.

895
00:43:26,440 --> 00:43:29,200
Speaker 3: What if that one job is really your north star.

896
00:43:29,680 --> 00:43:32,080
Speaker 1: Let's just the one job can be your north star.

897
00:43:32,200 --> 00:43:34,200
Speaker 2: But it doesn't mean that you don't work until you

898
00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:35,040
Speaker 2: get the north.

899
00:43:35,120 --> 00:43:38,479
Speaker 3: But the problem is if you got Netflix that picks

900
00:43:38,520 --> 00:43:41,319
Speaker 3: you up for gigs sometimes and then let's just say

901
00:43:41,400 --> 00:43:43,919
Speaker 3: there's a twob here and there and the other little

902
00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:47,560
Speaker 3: fucking app that I don't know that at the end

903
00:43:47,600 --> 00:43:50,120
Speaker 3: of the day, though, when you keep the situationship alive

904
00:43:50,200 --> 00:43:52,960
Speaker 3: and just fuck other people, it actually does kill the

905
00:43:53,000 --> 00:43:54,959
Speaker 3: spirit a little bit because your heart is always tied

906
00:43:55,000 --> 00:43:57,320
Speaker 3: somewhere and these women got to cut the cord because

907
00:43:57,320 --> 00:43:58,879
Speaker 3: you never really go and date for real if.

908
00:43:58,760 --> 00:43:59,960
Speaker 2: You don't do part beside to a lot.

909
00:44:01,000 --> 00:44:01,719
Speaker 1: Okay, I.

910
00:44:03,920 --> 00:44:07,040
Speaker 4: I mean, well, I'm in to meet a normal person.

911
00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:10,759
Speaker 4: When I say normal, like, I don't. I haven't put

912
00:44:10,800 --> 00:44:13,160
Speaker 4: a label on it. But all four of my partners

913
00:44:13,160 --> 00:44:15,160
Speaker 4: are aware of each other. We text every day like

914
00:44:15,200 --> 00:44:17,160
Speaker 4: there's time and time that we spend.

915
00:44:17,000 --> 00:44:17,400
Speaker 2: For each other.

916
00:44:17,560 --> 00:44:20,200
Speaker 1: Relationship can we I mean, a situationship to me.

917
00:44:20,320 --> 00:44:23,359
Speaker 4: Is something that's not there's not a committable title. There's

918
00:44:23,480 --> 00:44:26,600
Speaker 4: not like plans to move in or do things together

919
00:44:26,760 --> 00:44:28,680
Speaker 4: like to me. To me, there's not when we think

920
00:44:28,719 --> 00:44:32,719
Speaker 4: of relationships, right, there's normally this uh I don't want

921
00:44:32,719 --> 00:44:35,680
Speaker 4: to say hierarchy, but there's normally a path, right, Okay.

922
00:44:35,880 --> 00:44:37,240
Speaker 2: Well, now we have the title.

923
00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:40,080
Speaker 4: After the title, then comes the baby or then comes

924
00:44:40,120 --> 00:44:42,360
Speaker 4: moving in home to that, then it's meeting the parents,

925
00:44:42,400 --> 00:44:44,279
Speaker 4: and it's that. To me, I think a lot of

926
00:44:44,280 --> 00:44:47,280
Speaker 4: people would identify the kind of relationships that I'm currently

927
00:44:47,320 --> 00:44:51,840
Speaker 4: in is situationships because I don't have those markers to

928
00:44:52,880 --> 00:44:56,120
Speaker 4: mark what these relationships are any given point, or the

929
00:44:56,600 --> 00:44:59,440
Speaker 4: seriousness of them. Because to me, we're like, I'm in

930
00:44:59,480 --> 00:45:01,520
Speaker 4: a place where I genuinely want partners that I can

931
00:45:01,600 --> 00:45:04,319
Speaker 4: enjoy life with. And so to me, if I'm talking

932
00:45:04,360 --> 00:45:06,440
Speaker 4: to a person who believes the monogamy or who doesn't

933
00:45:06,440 --> 00:45:09,160
Speaker 4: believe in someone being able to have their heart in

934
00:45:10,200 --> 00:45:12,359
Speaker 4: space for a lot of different people at the same time.

935
00:45:12,680 --> 00:45:14,640
Speaker 4: I think a lot of people would look at my

936
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:19,080
Speaker 4: situation as situationships, and I think that that's often what

937
00:45:19,200 --> 00:45:19,960
Speaker 4: situationships are.

938
00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:21,680
Speaker 1: I don't think a lot of people would because you

939
00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:22,400
Speaker 1: have four of them.

940
00:45:22,480 --> 00:45:25,879
Speaker 3: A situationship is generally described as someone that is doing

941
00:45:26,120 --> 00:45:31,000
Speaker 3: all the things of the relationship, meeting the family, i e.

942
00:45:31,160 --> 00:45:34,239
Speaker 3: Spending holidays together, and no title. So if you have

943
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:38,560
Speaker 3: multiple partners, you're dating acsual. But a situationship is generally

944
00:45:38,600 --> 00:45:41,000
Speaker 3: when there is an imbalance of like or I would

945
00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:43,960
Speaker 3: even describe it as a relationship that confuses others and yourself.

946
00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:46,160
Speaker 3: So like let's just say, I'm like, oh, he's not

947
00:45:46,239 --> 00:45:47,400
Speaker 3: my boyfriend. We've all been around it.

948
00:45:47,440 --> 00:45:50,160
Speaker 1: Y'all together. Oh no, we're not. But y'all live together,

949
00:45:50,280 --> 00:45:55,040
Speaker 1: y'all got it. They're spending all this time photos, they're

950
00:45:55,080 --> 00:45:56,680
Speaker 1: the person that you choose for all these things.

951
00:45:56,760 --> 00:45:58,560
Speaker 2: That's like situationship is.

952
00:45:58,719 --> 00:46:01,400
Speaker 1: I'm saying that I've heard of some as a therapist

953
00:46:01,719 --> 00:46:03,280
Speaker 1: that's the second relationship therapist.

954
00:46:03,360 --> 00:46:06,680
Speaker 2: There have been many a person male and female who.

955
00:46:06,719 --> 00:46:10,560
Speaker 1: Come in the therapy talking about the relationship they're in

956
00:46:10,719 --> 00:46:14,719
Speaker 1: where that person calls them their friend. That is how

957
00:46:14,800 --> 00:46:18,439
Speaker 1: they get introduced outside while being kissed on the neck.

958
00:46:18,800 --> 00:46:24,799
Speaker 2: I'm like at night, create fights.

959
00:46:24,560 --> 00:46:30,399
Speaker 1: Around certain large things, right like holidays, Balentine's Days, usually

960
00:46:30,440 --> 00:46:32,880
Speaker 1: when a lot of people come because they realize that

961
00:46:32,920 --> 00:46:35,959
Speaker 1: they are not whatever they thought they was. So people

962
00:46:36,080 --> 00:46:39,960
Speaker 1: come around. Then they come around Christmas, they come around birthday, birthday.

963
00:46:40,239 --> 00:46:42,600
Speaker 1: They come around like I got this promotion and I

964
00:46:42,719 --> 00:46:44,080
Speaker 1: was going to go out to dinner and this person

965
00:46:44,120 --> 00:46:46,960
Speaker 1: basically embarrass the dog shit out of me. I look like, yeah,

966
00:46:47,320 --> 00:46:49,719
Speaker 1: because you go with them, they don't go with you.

967
00:46:50,840 --> 00:46:53,800
Speaker 3: That's your boyfriend, but you're not their girlfriend.

968
00:46:53,880 --> 00:46:57,040
Speaker 2: That's the problem. And the thing is you already knew that.

969
00:46:58,239 --> 00:47:00,719
Speaker 1: Now you're just acting brand new, trying to figure out

970
00:47:00,719 --> 00:47:01,800
Speaker 1: why we all acting friends.

971
00:47:03,200 --> 00:47:06,080
Speaker 3: He's a situationship while fucking other people because I think

972
00:47:06,160 --> 00:47:07,920
Speaker 3: you're just waiting for that person.

973
00:47:07,760 --> 00:47:09,719
Speaker 2: To say the other people will help you out of that,

974
00:47:09,840 --> 00:47:11,920
Speaker 2: damn And it will because somebody.

975
00:47:14,560 --> 00:47:17,040
Speaker 1: Work. Because part of the problem is that you have

976
00:47:17,800 --> 00:47:20,399
Speaker 1: there's a part where you're playing a zero some game

977
00:47:21,400 --> 00:47:24,600
Speaker 1: where it comes to a situationship. You are you are

978
00:47:24,680 --> 00:47:27,600
Speaker 1: now counting how much time, how much energy that you've

979
00:47:27,680 --> 00:47:30,520
Speaker 1: put in, and you feel like if I pull out

980
00:47:30,640 --> 00:47:33,600
Speaker 1: now I've wasted all this stuff. Like if you say

981
00:47:33,640 --> 00:47:36,200
Speaker 1: you still waste it, if I'm looking in on top

982
00:47:36,239 --> 00:47:38,320
Speaker 1: of that, it doesn't have to be a waste because

983
00:47:38,320 --> 00:47:40,520
Speaker 1: too many of us also see a relationship end as

984
00:47:40,520 --> 00:47:43,760
Speaker 1: a relationship fail. It is not a fail to pivot

985
00:47:44,120 --> 00:47:47,480
Speaker 1: because say that this thing actually doesn't work. The biggest

986
00:47:47,520 --> 00:47:49,880
Speaker 1: failure that I've ever seen. I've seen a lot of

987
00:47:49,920 --> 00:47:52,200
Speaker 1: people that didn't need to get married get married. That's

988
00:47:52,320 --> 00:47:55,120
Speaker 1: a failure. Oh you do not win because you got

989
00:47:55,200 --> 00:47:57,880
Speaker 1: a ring. Congratulations. That's a shut up ring and a

990
00:47:57,960 --> 00:48:00,080
Speaker 1: shut up marriage with somebody who doesn't even like you.

991
00:48:00,160 --> 00:48:03,759
Speaker 1: It just wants you to shut up. You lost he

992
00:48:04,000 --> 00:48:07,560
Speaker 1: ultimate them girl word, because I'm just like, well, you

993
00:48:07,680 --> 00:48:11,160
Speaker 1: got men don't want you to go anywhere either, because

994
00:48:11,160 --> 00:48:13,399
Speaker 1: they comfortable with you right there. So if you say

995
00:48:14,000 --> 00:48:18,040
Speaker 1: you get them everything that they want, but they don't

996
00:48:18,120 --> 00:48:21,680
Speaker 1: have to give you anything, it's the equivalent of saying, hey,

997
00:48:22,160 --> 00:48:25,959
Speaker 1: I got this penthouse apartment. It's twenty thousand dollars a month,

998
00:48:26,600 --> 00:48:30,480
Speaker 1: and I accidentally only charge you three hundred dollars a month.

999
00:48:31,080 --> 00:48:33,120
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to call you and tell you, hey, you

1000
00:48:33,280 --> 00:48:36,120
Speaker 1: under charge me? Please? You love an analogy, huh?

1001
00:48:36,400 --> 00:48:38,920
Speaker 2: I love an analogy. I'm a clients like an analogy,

1002
00:48:39,280 --> 00:48:41,040
Speaker 2: you know, like growing one.

1003
00:48:41,360 --> 00:48:45,080
Speaker 1: And if that because I'm just saying that, like sometimes

1004
00:48:45,160 --> 00:48:47,279
Speaker 1: when you can see it differently if you take it

1005
00:48:47,440 --> 00:48:51,880
Speaker 1: yourself out the situation, right, So if I because I

1006
00:48:52,000 --> 00:48:55,400
Speaker 1: believe that anyone that I've met is a penthouse, I'm like,

1007
00:48:55,520 --> 00:48:59,600
Speaker 1: you are offering pit house level benefits. It's nice, it's secure,

1008
00:49:00,120 --> 00:49:03,200
Speaker 1: it's clean, it's got nice windows, it got a beautiful view,

1009
00:49:03,239 --> 00:49:07,480
Speaker 1: it's at the top, it's lovely, and you are treating

1010
00:49:07,520 --> 00:49:11,280
Speaker 1: yourself like you that dingy apartment down on the corner.

1011
00:49:11,920 --> 00:49:15,520
Speaker 1: We're a basement apartment with no windows, like with low

1012
00:49:15,600 --> 00:49:20,760
Speaker 1: ceilings and clearly like the side of a dead body.

1013
00:49:21,160 --> 00:49:23,680
Speaker 1: So I'm just like, so you are treating yourself like

1014
00:49:23,800 --> 00:49:27,000
Speaker 1: you ain't shit, And I wonder why. I wonder who

1015
00:49:27,120 --> 00:49:30,480
Speaker 1: helped you to learn that that is your place? Because again,

1016
00:49:30,600 --> 00:49:34,719
Speaker 1: self esteem is not the individual's failing alone. It is

1017
00:49:34,800 --> 00:49:37,920
Speaker 1: the individual and their community. So I'm like, who taught

1018
00:49:37,960 --> 00:49:41,120
Speaker 1: you that your job is to lower everything there is

1019
00:49:41,239 --> 00:49:44,040
Speaker 1: about you? In order to be accessible to somebody who's

1020
00:49:44,080 --> 00:49:45,320
Speaker 1: not supposed to have access.

1021
00:49:46,320 --> 00:49:49,680
Speaker 2: You sit where you are in the penthouse. If they can't, if.

1022
00:49:49,600 --> 00:49:52,400
Speaker 1: They can't pay the rent, they can't come. You can

1023
00:49:52,480 --> 00:49:54,600
Speaker 1: meet them outside and have a good time on occasion,

1024
00:49:54,640 --> 00:49:57,640
Speaker 1: but they can't come upstairs. Leave their asses outside.

1025
00:49:57,840 --> 00:50:02,600
Speaker 4: For women who find themselves constantly in these situationships, for

1026
00:50:02,719 --> 00:50:08,520
Speaker 4: women who constantly aren't being chosen quote unquote, or selected

1027
00:50:08,600 --> 00:50:11,880
Speaker 4: or given titles. I mean what you said, what I

1028
00:50:11,920 --> 00:50:14,640
Speaker 4: mean it's not chosen is they also did not choose themselves.

1029
00:50:15,520 --> 00:50:16,959
Speaker 4: That's the part that I think it's lost.

1030
00:50:16,960 --> 00:50:19,719
Speaker 1: And I talk about that while they out here, you

1031
00:50:20,080 --> 00:50:23,160
Speaker 1: choosing you though, So like, have you seen that movie

1032
00:50:23,200 --> 00:50:28,239
Speaker 1: about the little white pig faced girl Penelope? No, I

1033
00:50:28,280 --> 00:50:33,239
Speaker 1: feel like I can't spoil with the pig with the

1034
00:50:33,280 --> 00:50:37,320
Speaker 1: pig nose. She got the pig nose the cartoon, But

1035
00:50:37,520 --> 00:50:41,759
Speaker 1: I ain't got kids. It's not a cartoon, but it was,

1036
00:50:42,120 --> 00:50:45,520
Speaker 1: it was, It was a movie. It was like christ

1037
00:50:46,440 --> 00:50:50,040
Speaker 1: I don't know what does she wins Adams? Okay, I'm

1038
00:50:50,080 --> 00:50:50,719
Speaker 1: making up names.

1039
00:50:52,800 --> 00:50:53,200
Speaker 5: What was it?

1040
00:50:53,640 --> 00:50:57,640
Speaker 1: Okay? So basically Penelope, he was right by the way.

1041
00:50:58,239 --> 00:51:01,080
Speaker 1: Her name is Christina Ritchie Christina Rich watch me work.

1042
00:51:01,800 --> 00:51:05,439
Speaker 1: She was in Casper. That's how she was in That's

1043
00:51:05,440 --> 00:51:09,800
Speaker 1: the movie right there, the like if you were about

1044
00:51:09,800 --> 00:51:12,880
Speaker 1: to be spoiled, just turn away and with a spoon.

1045
00:51:12,960 --> 00:51:13,759
Speaker 2: That's a white I know.

1046
00:51:15,200 --> 00:51:18,560
Speaker 1: So in this movie she has this nose and the

1047
00:51:18,680 --> 00:51:23,759
Speaker 1: curse is that she will not be beautiful until you

1048
00:51:23,840 --> 00:51:27,040
Speaker 1: can get one of your own to love her, right

1049
00:51:27,200 --> 00:51:28,920
Speaker 1: to want to be with her. And they think that

1050
00:51:29,080 --> 00:51:32,560
Speaker 1: means get a man to marry her, knowing that she

1051
00:51:32,680 --> 00:51:36,239
Speaker 1: got a whole big nose and that if she you know,

1052
00:51:36,360 --> 00:51:38,839
Speaker 1: kisses at the wedd end the boom, she'll be transformed.

1053
00:51:38,880 --> 00:51:41,719
Speaker 1: Cute nose all that. What they didn't know is that

1054
00:51:41,920 --> 00:51:44,440
Speaker 1: it was not specific to a dude. One of your

1055
00:51:44,520 --> 00:51:48,120
Speaker 1: own must accept her. She had parents who didn't. She

1056
00:51:48,280 --> 00:51:51,800
Speaker 1: didn't accept herself, and that's how she freed. She freed

1057
00:51:51,880 --> 00:51:54,200
Speaker 1: herself because she was just like I like how I am.

1058
00:51:55,160 --> 00:51:57,640
Speaker 1: That's what got her the nose, That's what changed the

1059
00:51:57,680 --> 00:52:02,400
Speaker 1: whole appearance. I'm saying that in these situations people are

1060
00:52:02,480 --> 00:52:04,000
Speaker 1: doing the exact same thing.

1061
00:52:04,520 --> 00:52:05,759
Speaker 2: You didn't give it to you.

1062
00:52:06,239 --> 00:52:07,680
Speaker 1: You're waiting to be chosen.

1063
00:52:07,880 --> 00:52:09,320
Speaker 2: You didn't choose you either.

1064
00:52:10,239 --> 00:52:13,000
Speaker 1: That's the part that I find to be object number

1065
00:52:13,040 --> 00:52:15,560
Speaker 1: one not only sad, but it's the shit that pisses

1066
00:52:15,640 --> 00:52:18,160
Speaker 1: me off because it makes me look at mama difference,

1067
00:52:18,920 --> 00:52:21,239
Speaker 1: It makes me look at your daddy different, It makes

1068
00:52:21,280 --> 00:52:23,520
Speaker 1: me look at what friends did you have growing up?

1069
00:52:23,719 --> 00:52:26,080
Speaker 1: And what the hell did society tell them to tell

1070
00:52:26,200 --> 00:52:30,360
Speaker 1: you to remove your self esteem in that way that

1071
00:52:31,640 --> 00:52:34,319
Speaker 1: it like it pisses me off, it makes me sad

1072
00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:37,440
Speaker 1: at the same time because under the systems of oppression

1073
00:52:37,480 --> 00:52:40,719
Speaker 1: that we have, nobody feels like they are indeed the

1074
00:52:40,840 --> 00:52:43,680
Speaker 1: shit that they are. Everybody feels like they some shit,

1075
00:52:43,840 --> 00:52:46,200
Speaker 1: not the shit. What it is so damning yourself?

1076
00:52:46,400 --> 00:52:48,840
Speaker 3: Like when getting stuck in these situations that might be

1077
00:52:49,680 --> 00:52:52,239
Speaker 3: almost a roadmap like is it saying no?

1078
00:52:52,960 --> 00:52:54,920
Speaker 1: Like what is choosing yourself look like? It's saying no

1079
00:52:55,040 --> 00:52:57,240
Speaker 1: and yes. I think that when we think of boundaries,

1080
00:52:57,320 --> 00:52:59,480
Speaker 1: we think of the no. I think of what's the

1081
00:52:59,560 --> 00:53:01,600
Speaker 1: part that if you say no to this thing, what

1082
00:53:01,719 --> 00:53:05,040
Speaker 1: can you now say yes too? Right? So, if you're

1083
00:53:05,040 --> 00:53:07,239
Speaker 1: saying yes to a pleasure filled life, not just a

1084
00:53:07,320 --> 00:53:11,040
Speaker 1: pleasure filled bedroom, you would make different choices, right Like

1085
00:53:11,120 --> 00:53:13,279
Speaker 1: the way that you talk to a partner about what

1086
00:53:13,440 --> 00:53:16,600
Speaker 1: you want sexually is very much full of your boundaries

1087
00:53:16,640 --> 00:53:18,560
Speaker 1: because it's about the things that you like and feel

1088
00:53:18,600 --> 00:53:21,080
Speaker 1: good for you and to you like, oh yeah, do

1089
00:53:21,160 --> 00:53:23,640
Speaker 1: that again, right, like, oh yeah, do it faster, do

1090
00:53:23,760 --> 00:53:27,560
Speaker 1: it slower? You are you are directing this thing so

1091
00:53:27,640 --> 00:53:30,920
Speaker 1: that you can reach the whatever pinnacle of pleasure you're

1092
00:53:30,920 --> 00:53:33,320
Speaker 1: looking for. For some people, just straight pleasure is fine.

1093
00:53:33,560 --> 00:53:35,759
Speaker 1: I mean, we don't need to go chasing orgasms. So

1094
00:53:35,960 --> 00:53:38,000
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean you shouldn't be trying to. Yeah, you

1095
00:53:38,000 --> 00:53:40,840
Speaker 1: should get it, but it's funny.

1096
00:53:41,360 --> 00:53:43,480
Speaker 2: It's like, how do you make your life orgasm?

1097
00:53:43,600 --> 00:53:47,000
Speaker 4: And even with a partner, I think is important, Like

1098
00:53:47,520 --> 00:53:50,560
Speaker 4: even like recently, like I've been talking about the things

1099
00:53:50,600 --> 00:53:53,200
Speaker 4: that make me happy and also is that something that

1100
00:53:53,280 --> 00:53:55,359
Speaker 4: I can enjoy with you as a partner. So whether

1101
00:53:55,440 --> 00:53:58,080
Speaker 4: it be traveling, whether it be certain foods, like I'm

1102
00:53:58,160 --> 00:54:00,400
Speaker 4: not dating a nigga that don't like sushi. It is

1103
00:54:00,440 --> 00:54:02,839
Speaker 4: a pleasure of my life and you're not gonna take

1104
00:54:02,880 --> 00:54:03,480
Speaker 4: it away from it.

1105
00:54:04,080 --> 00:54:07,440
Speaker 1: Like I date a man, I date my husband and

1106
00:54:07,640 --> 00:54:09,520
Speaker 1: we don't like a lot of the same things, and

1107
00:54:09,600 --> 00:54:13,839
Speaker 1: it's okay because for me, I'm just like he's also

1108
00:54:13,960 --> 00:54:16,439
Speaker 1: not the end all be all, He's not the son

1109
00:54:16,480 --> 00:54:17,759
Speaker 1: of my universe. I am the son.

1110
00:54:17,920 --> 00:54:20,640
Speaker 2: I am at the center. It doesn't exist without me

1111
00:54:21,440 --> 00:54:25,479
Speaker 2: but the orbit, and he is one person in my orbit.

1112
00:54:25,880 --> 00:54:28,759
Speaker 1: I receive lots of pleasure, and I hope I give

1113
00:54:29,000 --> 00:54:31,960
Speaker 1: lots of pleasure to miss the booth thing. But he

1114
00:54:32,120 --> 00:54:33,919
Speaker 1: is not the only source of pleasure in my life.

1115
00:54:34,000 --> 00:54:34,600
Speaker 2: I love that right.

1116
00:54:34,880 --> 00:54:38,200
Speaker 1: I have friends, I have family, I have other I

1117
00:54:38,280 --> 00:54:41,000
Speaker 1: have other people in my life who are I'm friendly with,

1118
00:54:41,200 --> 00:54:42,120
Speaker 1: but we're not friends.

1119
00:54:42,840 --> 00:54:44,919
Speaker 2: And that's how I classify people. I'm like, yeah, we're friendly,

1120
00:54:44,960 --> 00:54:45,600
Speaker 2: we're not friends.

1121
00:54:46,280 --> 00:54:48,759
Speaker 1: All of these people can bring pleasure, and I can

1122
00:54:48,800 --> 00:54:52,880
Speaker 1: also give pleasure, both sexual and non sexual pleasure all

1123
00:54:53,040 --> 00:54:56,040
Speaker 1: as wherever I can spread it, I spread it. And

1124
00:54:56,760 --> 00:55:00,200
Speaker 1: I'm like, this conversation brings me pleasure my husban, then

1125
00:55:00,280 --> 00:55:03,400
Speaker 1: it's not facilitating that. And he doesn't need to. So

1126
00:55:04,280 --> 00:55:06,920
Speaker 1: everything that I love, he don't have to. Everything that

1127
00:55:07,000 --> 00:55:09,200
Speaker 1: I want to do, he don't got to. We fell

1128
00:55:09,239 --> 00:55:12,880
Speaker 1: in love over love of roller coasters, things like that,

1129
00:55:13,520 --> 00:55:17,040
Speaker 1: and I'm not even into those anymore. You cannot give

1130
00:55:17,120 --> 00:55:18,600
Speaker 1: you this girl.

1131
00:55:18,920 --> 00:55:19,600
Speaker 2: You cannot give me.

1132
00:55:19,680 --> 00:55:21,759
Speaker 4: Ask me if because I live in the south now

1133
00:55:22,200 --> 00:55:25,279
Speaker 4: and the fair is coming and She's like, girl, you

1134
00:55:25,400 --> 00:55:27,080
Speaker 4: go to the fair and I said, it's not them right.

1135
00:55:27,200 --> 00:55:28,400
Speaker 2: They put them too fast.

1136
00:55:28,200 --> 00:55:29,640
Speaker 1: For me and put them up, you take them down.

1137
00:55:31,880 --> 00:55:34,359
Speaker 1: I remember that being like, oh my god, my mom's

1138
00:55:34,360 --> 00:55:36,000
Speaker 1: gonna let me go to the fucking fairgrounds.

1139
00:55:36,080 --> 00:55:38,799
Speaker 2: Especially growing up in Orlando, that.

1140
00:55:38,920 --> 00:55:41,800
Speaker 4: Used to be thinking, oh no, now I'm going for

1141
00:55:41,880 --> 00:55:44,480
Speaker 4: the games and the niggas was at the fair. It

1142
00:55:44,760 --> 00:55:47,240
Speaker 4: was that there in the mall, people be outside, they

1143
00:55:47,360 --> 00:55:50,440
Speaker 4: were there, they was there. Well, I do want to

1144
00:55:50,520 --> 00:55:54,000
Speaker 4: leave out of here with one last thing. In terms

1145
00:55:54,239 --> 00:55:57,320
Speaker 4: of your book, drink water and mind your business. What

1146
00:55:57,480 --> 00:56:00,400
Speaker 4: would you want a reader to take away from it?

1147
00:56:00,520 --> 00:56:02,840
Speaker 4: And who do you think this book is specifically for?

1148
00:56:04,360 --> 00:56:06,919
Speaker 2: This book is my love letter to black women.

1149
00:56:08,440 --> 00:56:11,440
Speaker 1: Black women are often not centered in these conversations about

1150
00:56:11,480 --> 00:56:14,200
Speaker 1: self esteem, which makes no sense to me. And there

1151
00:56:14,320 --> 00:56:17,680
Speaker 1: are they're like fifty eleven books outside about self esteem.

1152
00:56:17,960 --> 00:56:20,000
Speaker 1: And if you didn't mention racism, I'm trying to figure

1153
00:56:20,000 --> 00:56:22,319
Speaker 1: out what the hell you did right, if you didn't

1154
00:56:22,320 --> 00:56:24,120
Speaker 1: mention sexism, I'm trying to figure out what the hell

1155
00:56:24,160 --> 00:56:26,680
Speaker 1: you did? How did you forget the systems that are

1156
00:56:26,760 --> 00:56:29,759
Speaker 1: impacting people's ability to even access the self esteem that

1157
00:56:29,840 --> 00:56:31,919
Speaker 1: they had when they were kids, right, and that people

1158
00:56:31,960 --> 00:56:35,200
Speaker 1: systematically took away from them. So for me, I know

1159
00:56:35,360 --> 00:56:37,680
Speaker 1: who the book is for. And the thing that I

1160
00:56:37,880 --> 00:56:41,120
Speaker 1: really want people to get from this is that when

1161
00:56:41,120 --> 00:56:43,120
Speaker 1: I say drink water and mind your business, I mean

1162
00:56:43,200 --> 00:56:46,279
Speaker 1: it literally and I also mean it figuratively. So for me,

1163
00:56:46,440 --> 00:56:47,120
Speaker 1: the drink water.

1164
00:56:47,960 --> 00:56:52,080
Speaker 2: The dehydrated body does not have good orgasms, So drink.

1165
00:56:52,280 --> 00:56:56,080
Speaker 1: Your water period. And because nobody else can drink water

1166
00:56:56,200 --> 00:56:59,120
Speaker 1: for you, so you have to do some work, but

1167
00:56:59,239 --> 00:57:01,600
Speaker 1: you also have to find the access to the tap

1168
00:57:01,719 --> 00:57:04,560
Speaker 1: to get it, which means surrounding yourself in the community

1169
00:57:04,640 --> 00:57:06,840
Speaker 1: of people who will help to pour into you so

1170
00:57:06,920 --> 00:57:09,840
Speaker 1: that you can drink that. The mind your business is

1171
00:57:09,960 --> 00:57:12,200
Speaker 1: not the one that everyone else knows where It's like

1172
00:57:12,320 --> 00:57:15,600
Speaker 1: mind your motherfucker it no, no, no, mind your business,

1173
00:57:15,680 --> 00:57:18,320
Speaker 1: as in the way my mom says it, fix your front,

1174
00:57:18,920 --> 00:57:23,760
Speaker 1: mind yourself, mind your business. That means actually pay attention

1175
00:57:24,000 --> 00:57:26,200
Speaker 1: to what it is that you are doing. So for me,

1176
00:57:26,320 --> 00:57:29,000
Speaker 1: it's pay attention to what you are taking in, pay

1177
00:57:29,040 --> 00:57:31,600
Speaker 1: attention to what you are putting out, and pay attention

1178
00:57:31,720 --> 00:57:34,280
Speaker 1: to the things that you say you desire. Do they

1179
00:57:34,360 --> 00:57:36,720
Speaker 1: belong to you or do they belong to someone who

1180
00:57:36,840 --> 00:57:40,680
Speaker 1: has aggrandized themselves to believe that they know you better

1181
00:57:40,840 --> 00:57:44,120
Speaker 1: than you know yourself, because people always think they know

1182
00:57:44,240 --> 00:57:44,560
Speaker 1: you better.

1183
00:57:44,640 --> 00:57:45,080
Speaker 2: I don't like that.

1184
00:57:45,320 --> 00:57:47,520
Speaker 3: Saying attention to what you say out loud is important.

1185
00:57:47,560 --> 00:57:49,640
Speaker 3: The universe listens to me crazy. I get every single

1186
00:57:49,720 --> 00:57:53,880
Speaker 3: thing I want. She gets a little too. Or I

1187
00:57:53,920 --> 00:57:56,080
Speaker 3: can do that even when it's a down thing you

1188
00:57:56,120 --> 00:57:58,560
Speaker 3: say to yourself. I think the best thing to tell

1189
00:57:58,640 --> 00:58:01,120
Speaker 3: others is like it out in the world that you

1190
00:58:01,200 --> 00:58:04,480
Speaker 3: hate something about yourself even if you're alone in the room.

1191
00:58:05,040 --> 00:58:07,280
Speaker 1: Isn't something any of us want to do, Like is.

1192
00:58:07,280 --> 00:58:11,080
Speaker 2: It even true? Do you hate that thing about yourself?

1193
00:58:11,360 --> 00:58:13,720
Speaker 1: Or have other people hated that thing about you so

1194
00:58:14,000 --> 00:58:16,760
Speaker 1: much that you have decided to do their jobs for

1195
00:58:17,040 --> 00:58:19,840
Speaker 1: them boom and take it on as something that now

1196
00:58:20,000 --> 00:58:23,120
Speaker 1: you have to hate about yourself. I think those are

1197
00:58:23,560 --> 00:58:29,840
Speaker 1: like meeting yourself at various ages. I'm just like it's cute, right,

1198
00:58:30,120 --> 00:58:32,400
Speaker 1: like the idea, like people like to push this thing, like,

1199
00:58:32,920 --> 00:58:35,720
Speaker 1: you know, like meeting me at this age versus this.

1200
00:58:35,920 --> 00:58:39,360
Speaker 1: I'm like, you probably never met you. I'm sorry, you

1201
00:58:39,520 --> 00:58:42,360
Speaker 1: probably haven't met you. What you have met is the

1202
00:58:42,440 --> 00:58:44,360
Speaker 1: version of you that you have pretended to be in

1203
00:58:44,560 --> 00:58:47,440
Speaker 1: order for other people to feel comfortable, for other people

1204
00:58:47,800 --> 00:58:50,320
Speaker 1: to feel like they own you, for other people to

1205
00:58:50,360 --> 00:58:52,560
Speaker 1: feel like they can like you. A lot of us

1206
00:58:52,680 --> 00:58:55,640
Speaker 1: are the exact people that our parents wanted us to be.

1207
00:58:55,760 --> 00:58:58,960
Speaker 1: We're not who we are. So did you meet you

1208
00:58:59,280 --> 00:59:01,680
Speaker 1: or did you meet the version of them of you

1209
00:59:01,880 --> 00:59:04,840
Speaker 1: that they wanted for you? And at what point do

1210
00:59:04,960 --> 00:59:06,640
Speaker 1: you get to meet you? And hold on to that

1211
00:59:06,720 --> 00:59:09,120
Speaker 1: because I think we have glimmers. We have those moments

1212
00:59:09,120 --> 00:59:12,000
Speaker 1: where we meet ourselves and those usually have the moments

1213
00:59:12,000 --> 00:59:14,440
Speaker 1: where other people get big mad and then we go

1214
00:59:14,640 --> 00:59:17,400
Speaker 1: right back to wearing the mask that makes them comfortable. Girls,

1215
00:59:17,400 --> 00:59:21,720
Speaker 1: stop giving a book out, y'all, drink.

1216
00:59:21,520 --> 00:59:25,800
Speaker 4: Water, and my business, a Black Woman's Guide to Unlearning

1217
00:59:25,840 --> 00:59:28,680
Speaker 4: the BS and Healing your Self Esteem, is available now

1218
00:59:29,040 --> 00:59:31,439
Speaker 4: wherever you get books like with us.

1219
00:59:31,520 --> 00:59:33,520
Speaker 2: Please please please buy from.

1220
00:59:33,480 --> 00:59:37,520
Speaker 4: Your local black owned, women owned, queer owned bookstores. Get

1221
00:59:37,560 --> 00:59:40,040
Speaker 4: it from Amazon, get it wherever you get your books,

1222
00:59:41,080 --> 00:59:43,680
Speaker 4: source books dot com. That's is that on the back,

1223
00:59:43,760 --> 00:59:47,880
Speaker 4: So there goes that. Uh, thank you doctor for joining us.

1224
00:59:48,040 --> 00:59:50,720
Speaker 4: We appreciate you so so so very much. And where

1225
00:59:50,800 --> 00:59:55,120
Speaker 4: can everyone follow you? So maybe hire you because ladies

1226
00:59:55,640 --> 00:59:58,560
Speaker 4: is working, where are you selling them? To donadriobo dot com.

1227
00:59:58,680 --> 01:00:02,240
Speaker 1: You can follow me on at doctor Donald Orioo and

1228
01:00:02,320 --> 01:00:04,000
Speaker 1: from there you can get everywhere.

1229
01:00:04,000 --> 01:00:08,240
Speaker 2: And those will also be in the description of this episode.

1230
01:00:09,280 --> 01:00:12,320
Speaker 4: As always, thank you guys for tuning in and only

1231
01:00:12,360 --> 01:00:15,120
Speaker 4: because we talked about manifesting earlier. If you're in Atlanta,

1232
01:00:15,160 --> 01:00:16,560
Speaker 4: you can catch me now on hot on A seven

1233
01:00:16,720 --> 01:00:19,120
Speaker 4: nine off the clock from six to eight. Yes, your

1234
01:00:19,160 --> 01:00:21,080
Speaker 4: girl literally went to Atlanta, got her and got damn

1235
01:00:21,160 --> 01:00:23,080
Speaker 4: radio show like I said I would, so power of

1236
01:00:23,160 --> 01:00:23,919
Speaker 4: the tongue is real.

1237
01:00:24,320 --> 01:00:25,440
Speaker 2: Believe in yourself.

1238
01:00:25,720 --> 01:00:29,080
Speaker 4: Also, if you guys want bonus content, Patreon dot com,

1239
01:00:29,320 --> 01:00:32,439
Speaker 4: backslash Horrible Decisions, we Ain't go nowhere Baby, and also

1240
01:00:32,520 --> 01:00:36,560
Speaker 4: no holds Barred available now wherever you get books you

1241
01:00:36,680 --> 01:00:37,919
Speaker 4: next week, bang y'all