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Speaker 1: When you don't have boundaries in place. It's not that

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Speaker 1: people are necessarily taking advantage of you. You have not

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Speaker 1: said no, so they believe the answer is yes.

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Speaker 2: Hey everyone, Emily Badi here, you are listening to an

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Speaker 2: installment of Hurdle Moment from Hurdle, a wileness focused podcast

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Speaker 2: where I connect with everyone from your favorite athletes to

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Speaker 2: top experts in industry CEOs about their highest hies, toughest moments,

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Speaker 2: and everything in between. We all go through hurdles in life,

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Speaker 2: and my goal through these discussions is to empower you

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Speaker 2: to better navigate yours and move with intentions so that

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Speaker 2: you can stride toward your big potential and of course

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Speaker 2: have some fun along the way.

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Speaker 3: I am so excited to bring you.

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Speaker 2: A really special conversation that I had recently with Yasmine Cheyenne.

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Speaker 2: She is the host of the sugar Jar podcast, a

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Speaker 2: self healing expert as well as an advocate for mental wellness,

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Speaker 2: and for today's episode, we are chatting all about boundaries.

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Speaker 2: What are boundaries, how to set boundaries, how to not

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Speaker 2: feel guilty about your boundaries? So much goodness in this episode.

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Speaker 2: I'll be the first person to say that over the

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Speaker 2: last few years, establishing and maintaining my boundaries has been

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Speaker 2: something that has been both truly difficult and also very empowering.

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Speaker 2: And so my hope for you today as you listen

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Speaker 2: to this is first and foremost to understand that boundaries

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Speaker 2: are a critical, critical part to your overall self care

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Speaker 2: and mental well being. It is so important that you

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Speaker 2: are in tune with where you are firm in your life,

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Speaker 2: and that stems from as well, knowing your values and

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Speaker 2: being able to articulate what those are. And we talk

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Speaker 2: all about that in today's episode. So grateful for Yasmine's

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Speaker 2: energy and her amazing perspective. I learned so much from

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Speaker 2: this conversation. I felt like it came at the perfect

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Speaker 2: time for me, and I hope you feel the same.

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Speaker 2: Make sure you are following along with Hurdle over on

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Speaker 2: social It's at Hurdle podcast. I am over at Emily

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Speaker 2: a Body and with that, let's get to hurdling.

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Speaker 3: Today.

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Speaker 2: I'm sitting down with Yasmine Cheyenne. She is a self

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Speaker 2: healing expert. She's the host of the sugar Jar podcast.

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Speaker 2: How you doing today?

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Speaker 3: Good?

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Speaker 1: How are you? Thanks for having me?

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Speaker 3: Oh my god, thanks for joining me.

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Speaker 2: I am admittedly kind of on cloud nine because full disclosure,

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Speaker 2: this is the first week of an new season of

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Speaker 2: the show, and I felt really passionately about talking a

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Speaker 2: little personal wellness, self like just taking care of self

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Speaker 2: this week. And so this is why I'm so excited

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Speaker 2: to sit down with you, because we're here today to

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Speaker 2: talk about boundaries, among many many things, which is so

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Speaker 2: so important.

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Speaker 1: Yes, boundaries is everything. It's like the foundation of how

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Speaker 1: we should be interacting in relationships anyway, with ourselves and others.

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Speaker 3: It's so true. It's so true.

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Speaker 2: So before we start talking about how to set healthy boundaries,

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Speaker 2: why don't you give the hurdlers, as I love to

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Speaker 2: call my audience, a little insight into how you became

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Speaker 2: a self healing expert, and you know, beyond that, I

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Speaker 2: know you're also an advocate for mental wellness.

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Speaker 3: So talk to me how you got into this word.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I think that, like many people, my

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Speaker 1: journey started with my own my own healing journey. But actually,

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Speaker 1: when I was on active duty in the military, I

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Speaker 1: was working with victims of crime, domestic violence, you know, assault,

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Speaker 1: all kinds of really tough crimes and experiences for people

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Speaker 1: to go through and while I was doing that, I

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Speaker 1: realized that they weren't really being given anything that would

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Speaker 1: help them in terms of their healing. And that's when

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Speaker 1: I really started to begin to get curious about, like,

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Speaker 1: why are we doing more? Why am I just giving

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Speaker 1: these forms to file? You know, how are they going

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Speaker 1: to pay for therapy? Like we're not giving them money

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Speaker 1: for Like all of these things start to occur to me,

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Speaker 1: and that's when I really begin to say, Okay, well if.

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Speaker 1: And it's also where I started my introduction to trauma

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Speaker 1: because I realized I thought trauma was something that only happened,

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Speaker 1: you know. I didn't understand that trauma was something that

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Speaker 1: we could all experience. And so that's when I begin

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Speaker 1: to dive into my own healing journey because nothing will

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Speaker 1: introduce you or invite you to do your own healing,

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Speaker 1: like helping people heal, even though I wasn't doing or

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Speaker 1: facilitating work the way that I do today. And yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's how I kind of got into it, like almost

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Speaker 1: fifteen years ago.

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Speaker 2: Now so much to unpack here. Talk to us a

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Speaker 2: little bit about your military service.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I served on active duty in the

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Speaker 1: Air Force for five years on active duty five years reserve.

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Speaker 1: But when I was on active duty, I was in

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Speaker 1: the legal department. A lot of people know it's called Jack,

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Speaker 1: like the TV show from like twenty years ago or something.

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Speaker 1: And I didn't have a traditional military experience. Because of that,

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Speaker 1: I again serve and I always I will always, I

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Speaker 1: will always say that I didn't have a traditional military

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Speaker 1: experience because I really didn't belong there. I was always

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Speaker 1: trying to find a way to ben the rules, break

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Speaker 1: the rules, to be doing things like this. This doesn't

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Speaker 1: make sense. We should be helping people. We should. So

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Speaker 1: I didn't really fit. But I you know, when I

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Speaker 1: was in legal I getting the opportunity to prosecute and

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Speaker 1: do things like that. That victim advocacy two years really

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Speaker 1: changed everything for me. I knew I had to get out.

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Speaker 1: I knew I was in the wrong place. I didn't

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Speaker 1: know what I was going to be doing, but I

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Speaker 1: definitely knew that what I was doing was not it.

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Speaker 3: Wow, and where were you stationed for this?

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Speaker 1: I was stationed in Georgia. But you know, I've been

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Speaker 1: all over I've you know, been all over the US.

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Speaker 1: I've deployed, and so I think doing something like that

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Speaker 1: so young leaving. You know, I'm from Brooklyn, so leaving

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Speaker 1: Brooklyn so young doing something like that, being from New York,

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Speaker 1: you think that like you really have a grasp on

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Speaker 1: the world because it's such a There's so much happening

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Speaker 1: in New York and in Brooklyn, and you get access

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Speaker 1: to so many different kinds of people. And leaving New

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Speaker 1: York was when I realized, oh wow, so actually the

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Speaker 1: rest of the United States is more in common than

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Speaker 1: anything that's happening in New York. And it's where I

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Speaker 1: really begin to, you know, experience other things, other people,

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Speaker 1: other places, and which is such an important part of

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Speaker 1: the work that I do today.

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Speaker 2: You mentioned feeling as though, you know, things should have

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Speaker 2: been a different way. What inspired you to get into

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Speaker 2: that line of work to begin with.

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Speaker 1: Well, you know, joining the military was really I'm nineteen,

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Speaker 1: I'm not in college. I want to do something with

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Speaker 1: my life. It was a very like I'm at the

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Speaker 1: mall and there's a recruiters office, let's go in. Like

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Speaker 1: you know, I was much, very much a risk taker,

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Speaker 1: and I just went in signed up, and like a

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Speaker 1: month later I left. I didn't really understand what I

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Speaker 1: was doing or signing up for and just thank goodness

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Speaker 1: I got into a career field where I was able

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Speaker 1: to actually do something that I feel was really impactful

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Speaker 1: to people.

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Speaker 3: Something to double click on.

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Speaker 2: You said that for which really resonated with me as

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Speaker 2: a person who's also made it her mission to help others.

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Speaker 3: Is the idea that you.

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Speaker 2: Don't truly, truly dive into your own healing until you're

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Speaker 2: trying to help others do the same for you, When

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Speaker 2: you started to get into this line of work, did

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Speaker 2: you start to realize truly a lot of the trauma

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Speaker 2: that you hadn't really focused on in your past.

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Speaker 1: No, you know, so I actually kind of did the reverse,

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Speaker 1: So I didn't do any real facilitating until I felt

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Speaker 1: like I was strong enough to hold space. I talk

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Speaker 1: about this sometimes, but I feel like and there is

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Speaker 1: no point of being fully healed. There's no point of

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Speaker 1: being fully on the other side. But there is a

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Speaker 1: point when you're facilitator or healing work that you should

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Speaker 1: be able to hold space for people, be present to people,

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Speaker 1: be aware of your own triggers, not project, and be

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Speaker 1: fully present for the person's excit experience. And so a

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Speaker 1: lot of that work that I needed to do to

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Speaker 1: be able to do that I did before I started

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Speaker 1: holding space for others. But to also answer your question,

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Speaker 1: there are times where I am facilitating or doing one

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Speaker 1: on one sessions or writing my book like I'm doing

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Speaker 1: doing right now, where I recognize, wow, you know this,

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Speaker 1: just this has unpacked a whole nother layer that I

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Speaker 1: wasn't even aware of. And I'm thankful to be able

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Speaker 1: to hold that for myself until afterwards and then you know,

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Speaker 1: unpack it with myself or with my own therapist, et cetera.

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Speaker 2: I think that the natural first question that someone has

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Speaker 2: when they hear, you know, a designation like a self

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Speaker 2: healing expert, is well, what makes you an expert? So

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Speaker 2: before we start to preach on boundaries, let's give some

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Speaker 2: more context to that.

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Speaker 1: So, yeah, so I started uh teaching somef self healing

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Speaker 1: ten years ago, and what I was doing was actually,

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Speaker 1: it's a funny story. So when I recognized that I

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Speaker 1: wanted to do healing, I knew that I wanted to

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Speaker 1: help people feel better, and I imagine that that would

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Speaker 1: be through clothes, and so I became a stylist and

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Speaker 1: I did that for a couple of years. But in

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Speaker 1: my styling sessions, we never talked about clothes. They were

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Speaker 1: always about the it's because it's never about the clothes,

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Speaker 1: and it's never about the makeup, and it's never about

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Speaker 1: any of that stuff. But we would talk about the

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Speaker 1: feelings and the societal norms and all of the things

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Speaker 1: that led to people feeling this way. And that's when

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Speaker 1: I really begin to get my certifications. Go through my

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Speaker 1: own excursions, everything from legitimate in a classroom learning how

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Speaker 1: to facilitate, to the middle of Mount Shasta excursions and

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Speaker 1: all kinds of woo woo things that I've done to

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Speaker 1: explore what self healing could be like. And through all

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Speaker 1: of those things, all of those trainings my college educate,

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Speaker 1: you know, everything, I begin to build self healing frameworks,

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Speaker 1: which basically means teaching people how to be able to

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Speaker 1: access healing for themselves. Almost I don't know how many

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Speaker 1: students later, maybe even seventy thousand people I've been able

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Speaker 1: to My work has been able to reach one hundred

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Speaker 1: thousand people. I don't know, you know, probably more than that.

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Speaker 1: I'm probably being modest, but having people come back to

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Speaker 1: me and share with me, I finally feel like I

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Speaker 1: can journal because I thought that I had to do

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Speaker 1: it this way, I finally feel like a lot of

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Speaker 1: people are afraid to go to therapy because they don't

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Speaker 1: even know how to have those internal conversations with themselves. First,

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Speaker 1: what am I even going to therapy to talk about?

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Speaker 1: My life is fine? You know, things are a little

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Speaker 1: bit messed up, or things are a little bit this.

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Speaker 1: But if I, you know, if I quit my job

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Speaker 1: and find a new job, everything will be fine. Or

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Speaker 1: you know, if my boyfriend will finally start doing what

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Speaker 1: I need them to do, things will be fine, or

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Speaker 1: if I you know, there's no grasp. And what I

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Speaker 1: think is the reason I think self healing is so

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Speaker 1: important and the reason why I teach it and I

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Speaker 1: actually call myself an expert until someone else did, is

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Speaker 1: that I think it's important for people to have that

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Speaker 1: self awareness and self inquiry before we can even start

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Speaker 1: the process. And I'm honored to be doing this part

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Speaker 1: of the work that gives them the invitation to explore

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Speaker 1: all of the other areas of wellness and healing.

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Speaker 2: How many people can relate to what you just also said,

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Speaker 2: which is I didn't even call myself an expert until

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Speaker 2: somebody else did, because again, it's that like in pastor

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Speaker 2: syndrome moment. Right, It's like you literally just listed off

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Speaker 2: so many things you did, from schooling to legitimate expeditions,

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Speaker 2: yet you needed someone else to just like pop in

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Speaker 2: and validate that you're doing pretty good at what you

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Speaker 2: want to do.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, isn't that the truth? You know? I

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Speaker 1: think that I don't struggle as much with imposter syndrome now,

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Speaker 1: but I definitely felt like, you know, I just wanted

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Speaker 1: to make sure that I was focusing on what I

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Speaker 1: was doing in the teaching, and I didn't want to,

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Speaker 1: you know, put expert on the end of it. It felt,

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Speaker 1: and I think it's important to just talk about I'm

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Speaker 1: glad you mentioned that because when we do work and

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Speaker 1: when we dedicate decades years of our lives to learning

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Speaker 1: how to teach, and we actually have the proof to

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Speaker 1: show that we are good at what we're doing, we

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Speaker 1: should honor that and step into it. And there's there's

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Speaker 1: such especially for women and especially for black I'm a

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Speaker 1: black woman, so there's often this, well, I don't want

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Speaker 1: to be too you know much, or I want to

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Speaker 1: stay humble, or I don't want to overstep, and it's

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Speaker 1: like no overstep, like no, just step into it, be grounded,

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Speaker 1: stand in firm and who you are and what you do.

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Speaker 1: And I think that's important too.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I can totally relate to it because

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Speaker 2: only recently did I start referring to myself I would

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Speaker 2: say as a wellness expert. I also have a personal

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Speaker 2: training certification, a ront coach Notificational Level one Precision Nutrition certification.

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Speaker 2: I've been writing and editing health and wellness content for

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Speaker 2: the better part of a.

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Speaker 3: Decade now, like I've been doing the work.

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Speaker 2: But I agree it's difficult sometimes to step into that

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Speaker 2: because you want to keep that humbleness right. But it's

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Speaker 2: almost it kind of reminds me of this idea that

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Speaker 2: you can be kind and firm, you know what I mean,

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Speaker 2: Like you can be a good person but also firm

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Speaker 2: and who you are and not need to let people

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Speaker 2: perhaps push your boundaries, which is what we're about to

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Speaker 2: get into here. So yes, I can totally. I can

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Speaker 2: totally relate to where you're coming from. Full circle moment,

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Speaker 2: back to boundaries. So I have listened to you speak

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Speaker 2: a bit about this on the Sugar Jar podcast. How

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Speaker 2: long have you been podcasting?

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Speaker 1: I have been podcasting. I just start last year, I

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Speaker 1: used to do a lot of episodes, and after doing

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Speaker 1: episodes with others, they would say, you need to do

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Speaker 1: your own podcasts.

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Speaker 3: I love that for you. I had the pleasure just

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Speaker 3: like I know that you have.

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Speaker 2: And I saw that you were on her show as

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Speaker 2: well to chat with Alex l and I mean talk

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Speaker 2: about some really beautiful work that she does as well

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Speaker 2: as the work that you do.

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Speaker 3: It was really awesome to hear the two of you connect.

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Speaker 1: She's an amazing friend.

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Speaker 3: I love Alex Yeah, for sure, for sure.

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Speaker 2: So, Okay, boundaries, why don't we start by why don't

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Speaker 2: we start by giving.

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Speaker 3: A loose definition of boundaries.

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Speaker 1: So my definition of boundaries is boundaries are the rules

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Speaker 1: or regulations or standards that we put in place that

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Speaker 1: basically form the idea of how I interact with this person, place,

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Speaker 1: or thing, this commitment, or myself. So boundaries are what

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Speaker 1: is okay what is not okay? And then boundaries need

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Speaker 1: to be a verb, meaning there has to be action

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Speaker 1: taken for the boundary to exist. So you can't have

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Speaker 1: a bound imaginarily in your head. You can't have a

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Speaker 1: boundary that you think about and you think people should

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Speaker 1: just know what it is unless it's like touching your

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Speaker 1: hair or touching your body without your permission, like people

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Speaker 1: should just know that's not okay. And so that's the

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Speaker 1: definition of boundaries and the reason why I mentioned that

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Speaker 1: part where it needs to be a verb needs to

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Speaker 1: be action because unless you advocate for the boundary, unless

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Speaker 1: you share it, either by your actions or by the

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Speaker 1: way that you communicate it to others or yourself, then

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Speaker 1: they don't exist. So, for example, if you don't want

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Speaker 1: to pick up your phone after seven o'clock because you

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Speaker 1: want to go to bed early, you can set a

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Speaker 1: boundary where you do not disturb on your phone. You

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Speaker 1: don't have to tell everyone in your context lists that

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Speaker 1: you're going to bed early. Now, the boundary is the

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Speaker 1: do not disturb. You have to enforce it by not

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Speaker 1: answering your text after seven o'clock. That's an uncommunicated boundary.

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Speaker 1: A communicated boundary is something like, hey, don't wear shoes

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Speaker 1: at my house.

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Speaker 2: I only recently started enforcing this boundary in my new apartment.

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Speaker 2: And let me tell you what I learned about this

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Speaker 2: is it is monumental. I have a white part in

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Speaker 2: my carpet in my living room and I was so

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Speaker 2: hesitant to buy the carpet because I thought, oh my goodness,

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Speaker 2: this is going to be dirty within a month.

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Speaker 3: What am I doing?

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Speaker 2: It is still white and it's been four months. Anyway,

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Speaker 2: this is not what we're here to talk about. Why

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Speaker 2: I think the next I mean, now that we've defined boundaries,

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Speaker 2: talk to me about why having boundaries is essential for

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Speaker 2: self care.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, or for healing or for wellness or to feel good.

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Speaker 1: Boundaries are essential. They're what I call the foundation of healing.

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Speaker 1: Without boundaries, the house doesn't stand. So if you are

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Speaker 1: in a relationship where there are no boundaries, then people

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Speaker 1: are able to take from you. People are able to

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Speaker 1: and again this is with your permission. This is the key.

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Speaker 1: When you don't have boundaries in place. It's not that

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Speaker 1: people are necessarily taking advantage of you. You have not

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Speaker 1: said no, so they believe the answer is yet yes,

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Speaker 1: because you have not said anything, so with your permission,

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Speaker 1: people have access to you. Or maybe you are saying yes,

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Speaker 1: giving money, giving time, giving resources without with the knowing

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Speaker 1: that you don't want to be doing it, but you

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Speaker 1: feel like you should be doing it, or you feel

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Speaker 1: like that's what a good person would do, or this

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Speaker 1: is what a good daughter would do, a good you

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Speaker 1: know partner, All of those, all of these societal norms

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Speaker 1: that we have bought into that keep us from living

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Speaker 1: fully in our alignment and our truth, that keep us

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Speaker 1: from doing what we want to actually be doing. So boundaries,

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Speaker 1: Without boundaries, we're most likely in relationships where we give

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Speaker 1: too much, where we share too much, where we are

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Speaker 1: giving more of ourselves than we have access to. And

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Speaker 1: when we do that, we don't have enough left for ourselves.

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Speaker 1: So self care cannot exist. When boundaries don't exist, you

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Speaker 1: won't have time for it. It's just, unfortunately the truth.

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Speaker 1: And so when people, you know, when I have clients

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Speaker 1: share with me, you know, I don't have time for

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Speaker 1: self care. You don't have boundaries. Most likely is what

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Speaker 1: is happening or you said yes, or over commit it

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Speaker 1: yourself to things. And sometimes it's not even about people

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Speaker 1: around you. Sometimes it's like I have a goal. I

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Speaker 1: want to accomplish all of these things by the time

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Speaker 1: I'm thirty five. I've moved the age up as I

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Speaker 1: age forty, I want to accomplish all these things by

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Speaker 1: this certain age, And so I over commit myself because

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Speaker 1: I'm trying to reach this goal. When I n actuality,

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Speaker 1: I'm exhausted, I'm drained, I'm unhappy, And boundaries help us

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Speaker 1: to still go for those goals, still have commitments, still

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Speaker 1: have friends, have family, people in our lives, have a life.

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Speaker 1: But to have an actual life where we feel good

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Speaker 1: on a regular basis, You're still going to have ups

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Speaker 1: and downs with boundaries. Life is not going to be

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Speaker 1: a fairy tale with boundaries, but you will at least

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Speaker 1: have access and awareness of what you're saying yes and

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Speaker 1: no to and why. And another thing too that boundaries

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Speaker 1: helps us to not carry is resentment. Of us are

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Speaker 1: carrying resentment and anger because we're doing things that we

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Speaker 1: feel we should be doing that we don't want to

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Speaker 1: be doing. And boundaries is a way to second like,

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Speaker 1: check yourself, Why am I saying yes to this?

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Speaker 3: Yeah? Check yourself. It's interesting.

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Speaker 2: I mean, you gave the practical example before about the

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Speaker 2: boundary of the do not disturb and shutting your phone

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Speaker 2: down at seven o'clock at night. I got a question

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Speaker 2: not all that long ago from herd a listener, and

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Speaker 2: she was saying that she was having a difficult time

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Speaker 2: in her friendships and relationships because she is training for

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Speaker 2: a marathon, and it seems as though all of her

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Speaker 2: friends don't seem to understand how important this is to her,

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Speaker 2: why she can't be out and about all the time.

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Speaker 2: And I message her back and we actually had a

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Speaker 2: really beautiful discussion about boundaries and about how it can

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Speaker 2: be really important for her in that situation to reatter

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Speaker 2: to them how important it is for her to have

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Speaker 2: them in her life.

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Speaker 3: But she just needs to do it in a different

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Speaker 3: way at this time.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, in situations like that where I have not ran

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Speaker 1: a marathon. I've ran a half, but even that was exhausting.

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Speaker 1: I can imagine the amount of training and time commitment.

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Speaker 1: So she set the boundary. The boundary is I am

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Speaker 1: training for a marathon, and so I don't have a

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Speaker 1: lot of time for other things right now. And the

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Speaker 1: hard part about boundaries is, of course the enforcing them,

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Speaker 1: the conversations like why can't you come out and drink,

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Speaker 1: why can't you come to the party, why can't you

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Speaker 1: do this thing? And so that's usually the part of

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Speaker 1: boundaries that causes people to use like a spades term

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Speaker 1: renig to, you know, to want to come back and say, well,

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Speaker 1: don't I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I don't

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Speaker 1: want to make my friends uncomfortable, or I don't want

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Speaker 1: to be uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable in the guilt that I

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Speaker 1: feel about how you feel about me having these boundaries.

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Speaker 1: So maybe I'm overreacting, Maybe I'm doing too much, And

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Speaker 1: we begin to second guests choosing ourselves or choosing what

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Speaker 1: matters to us because someone's a little bit uncomfortable about

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Speaker 1: the way that we're choosing to live our lives. And

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Speaker 1: that's the dance that we are in with boundaries, constantly

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Speaker 1: having to come back to ourselves and say, like, am

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Speaker 1: I actually overreacting about wanting to go to sleep early

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Speaker 1: so that I can run in the morning. No, Like,

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Speaker 1: is this going to be something that's uncomfortable for them

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Speaker 1: because there's a change and a shift. Absolutely. Can I

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Speaker 1: reassure them that our relationship still matters to me? Yes?

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Speaker 1: Is it my work to help them on the journey

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Speaker 1: of their discomfort about me running this marathon? Absolutely not.

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Speaker 1: That's something that they need to work through. Why I

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Speaker 1: feel the way I feel about my friend doing this thing,

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Speaker 1: and it's it's it's that's an example that you know,

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Speaker 1: people think boundaries are only for the big things and

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Speaker 1: for everything, the big things, the things that seem little,

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Speaker 1: the things that we consider to be little. That's something

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Speaker 1: that someone might think I'm overreacting. It matters to you,

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Speaker 1: and that's all that matters, is that it matters to you.

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Speaker 2: Taking a break from today's episode to talk to you

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Speaker 2: about one of the new sponsors on Hurdle, and that

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00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:19,160
Speaker 2: is Future. Future is a new workout experience that pairs

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00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,560
Speaker 2: you one on one with a fitness coach who will

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00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:25,080
Speaker 2: map out a custom workout plan and also keep you

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00:23:25,119 --> 00:23:29,760
Speaker 2: accountable every single day all through the Future app. When

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00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:32,359
Speaker 2: you sign up for Future, you're paired with your own

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00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:35,240
Speaker 2: fitness coach to custom builds a workout program that is

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00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:40,280
Speaker 2: delivered straight to your phone every single week. Personally, this

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00:23:40,359 --> 00:23:42,960
Speaker 2: is my second go around with the Future app. I

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Speaker 2: spent about six months working with a trainer last winter

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Speaker 2: and I loved it. And today, right today, right now,

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Speaker 2: this is my day one.

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Speaker 3: I'm starting back up.

437
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:56,800
Speaker 2: And what I love about Future is that right after

438
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,720
Speaker 2: you begin, you'll hop on a FaceTime call with your

439
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:03,080
Speaker 2: code and blueprint out any goals injuries where you'd like

440
00:24:03,119 --> 00:24:05,280
Speaker 2: to work out the equipment that you have available to you.

441
00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:09,760
Speaker 2: This way, your coach can then develop a comprehensive training plan,

442
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:13,560
Speaker 2: taking into account any and every factor you'd like to

443
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:14,040
Speaker 2: fit in.

444
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:17,040
Speaker 3: Also, this coach is so accessible to you.

445
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:19,600
Speaker 2: Your coach will check in with you via FaceTime and

446
00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:23,080
Speaker 2: text and they are really at the ready to answer

447
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:26,000
Speaker 2: any questions you might have, find you in your workouts

448
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:30,520
Speaker 2: and check your form. I have loved my experience with

449
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:33,480
Speaker 2: the Future app. I only deviated away from it briefly

450
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:37,560
Speaker 2: during my marathon training, and now I'm ready to jump

451
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:41,200
Speaker 2: right in, and I would encourage you to do the same,

452
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:46,320
Speaker 2: especially because the price point is right. I ask you,

453
00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:49,640
Speaker 2: are you ready to invest in your health and fitness?

454
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:50,480
Speaker 3: The answer is.

455
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:53,080
Speaker 2: Yes, I know it, So get started right now with

456
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Speaker 2: the first month of Future at just nineteen dollars. Did

457
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Speaker 2: I mention that this is customized training that is a

458
00:25:00,119 --> 00:25:03,800
Speaker 2: dollar deal. You can get it by heading to Tryfuture

459
00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:09,840
Speaker 2: dot com slash hurdle again, that is, try fut r

460
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Speaker 2: dot com slash hurdle to get your first month of

461
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Speaker 2: training for just nineteen dollars.

462
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Speaker 3: Now.

463
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,199
Speaker 2: Note your first thirty days are risk free and you

464
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:25,480
Speaker 2: can cancel at any time for a full refund.

465
00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:28,400
Speaker 3: Also, got to give some love to my sponsor at

466
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Speaker 3: inside Tracker.

467
00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:34,000
Speaker 2: Inside Tracker is your personalized health dashboard. They analyze your

468
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:37,840
Speaker 2: biological data to bride you with a clear picture of

469
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Speaker 2: what's going on in your body and provide science backed

470
00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:45,720
Speaker 2: recommendations so that you can take control of your own health.

471
00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:49,680
Speaker 2: So let me talk through what this looks like in practice.

472
00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:51,800
Speaker 2: The first thing you do, you choose your plan. I

473
00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:56,080
Speaker 2: myself have done three different ultimate tests at this point.

474
00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:59,160
Speaker 2: Then you'll be prompted to schedule a blood draw through

475
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:03,560
Speaker 2: one of their partners, and after that, very soon after that,

476
00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:05,440
Speaker 2: I think the last time I got my results within

477
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:09,520
Speaker 2: forty eight hours. You receive your biomarker analysis, complete your

478
00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:14,639
Speaker 2: wellness survey, and get personalized, science backed guidance based on

479
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,200
Speaker 2: your data and your goals. For me, I've talked about

480
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:20,160
Speaker 2: this on the show before, but I, like many women,

481
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:24,880
Speaker 2: had low iron and ferrodin levels, and through working with

482
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:27,919
Speaker 2: inside Tracker, talking to you a registered dietitian, I was

483
00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:32,880
Speaker 2: able to incorporate more things into my diet, including leafy greens, cashews,

484
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:36,080
Speaker 2: a little bit more red meat, all of which got

485
00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:38,800
Speaker 2: my levels to where they should be and had me

486
00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:42,760
Speaker 2: feeling a whole lot less tired and a whole lot better.

487
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:46,000
Speaker 2: Of course, inside Tracker has a deal for you. If

488
00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:48,840
Speaker 2: you head on over to inside tracker dot com slash hurdle,

489
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Speaker 2: that's I N S I D E t R A

490
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:54,959
Speaker 2: c K e R dot com slash hurdle, you can

491
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Speaker 2: get twenty percent off the entire store today. Again, that's

492
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Speaker 2: inside tracker dot com calm slash hurdle for twenty percent

493
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:12,240
Speaker 2: off your purchase today. And something else you said before

494
00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:15,600
Speaker 2: the phrase, well what would a good person do? That

495
00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:18,359
Speaker 2: can be just like so damning, right, And I don't

496
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:20,960
Speaker 2: mean to just like be that blunt about it, but

497
00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:24,720
Speaker 2: it could be something as simple as perhaps someone that

498
00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:27,320
Speaker 2: you've needed to create a boundary in your life, you

499
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:30,480
Speaker 2: haven't spoken in quite some time, and then their birthday

500
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:34,399
Speaker 2: rolls around, and it's like talk about the birthday boundary,

501
00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:36,879
Speaker 2: Like do you say happy birthday? Is this good for

502
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:38,959
Speaker 2: your self care? Is this good for your mental illness?

503
00:27:39,119 --> 00:27:40,920
Speaker 2: I feel like there are so many instances in life

504
00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:43,480
Speaker 2: where you might not want this person to think that

505
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:45,479
Speaker 2: you don't want to celebrate them, But that doesn't mean

506
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:47,120
Speaker 2: that it's good for your mental well being?

507
00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:51,840
Speaker 1: Right, I honestly always ask myself and share with clients,

508
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:55,120
Speaker 1: or I'm facilitating, like if I have to go back

509
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:59,040
Speaker 1: and forth in my head, if I'm feeling anxiety about

510
00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:03,159
Speaker 1: even texting, calling, I have to prepare myself physically and

511
00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:07,600
Speaker 1: mentally for a text. That is the answer. The answer

512
00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:10,760
Speaker 1: is this is I'm uncomfortable. I don't want to do this, amen,

513
00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:15,280
Speaker 1: And it's like you yet they may think, they may

514
00:28:15,359 --> 00:28:19,480
Speaker 1: think you're not a quote unquote good person. Is it true?

515
00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:21,199
Speaker 1: You know, sometimes we have to do this, you know,

516
00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:23,760
Speaker 1: like what I call fact checking ourselves, Like is it

517
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:26,560
Speaker 1: actually true that I'm not a good person? Or have

518
00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:29,920
Speaker 1: I learned over time that the way that we are

519
00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:32,679
Speaker 1: in relationship with each other is not helpful to my

520
00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:35,520
Speaker 1: mental health? And I am now taking care of myself.

521
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:40,240
Speaker 3: You are just speaking to my soul, speaking to my soul.

522
00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:40,520
Speaker 1: Okay.

523
00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:43,000
Speaker 2: So, I mean we've talked about just now, we've wrapped

524
00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:46,560
Speaker 2: about the importance of boundaries. But as we're kind of

525
00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:51,240
Speaker 2: getting into here, the practice of establishing and up keeping

526
00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:53,720
Speaker 2: them can be quite difficult.

527
00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:56,960
Speaker 3: So let's jam on that.

528
00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:02,040
Speaker 2: How does at first someone even be begin to articulate

529
00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:03,120
Speaker 2: their boundaries?

530
00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:06,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, that's probably the hardest part. And I

531
00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:10,360
Speaker 1: always suggest starting with self boundaries. Self boundaries are the

532
00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:12,680
Speaker 1: boundaries we set with ourselves, the way that we take

533
00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:15,120
Speaker 1: care of ourselves. If I say I'm going to do

534
00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:17,040
Speaker 1: this thing. If I'm running the marathon and I know

535
00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:18,520
Speaker 1: that I need to eat a certain amount or drink

536
00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:22,360
Speaker 1: enough water or whatever, that's a boundary. Am I doing

537
00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:24,280
Speaker 1: those things that I said that I'm going to do

538
00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:28,680
Speaker 1: for myself? With myself? If I said I'm going to

539
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:30,480
Speaker 1: go to sleep at a certain time, am I following

540
00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:33,320
Speaker 1: that boundary? If I said I'm not going to drink

541
00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:35,240
Speaker 1: or I'm gonna only have one drink, whatever it is,

542
00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:37,200
Speaker 1: am I am I following what I said with myself.

543
00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:40,520
Speaker 1: And the reason why that's so important is because it's

544
00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:43,280
Speaker 1: hard to set boundaries externally. It's hard to have that

545
00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:49,320
Speaker 1: communicative conversation externally when we aren't having those conversations with

546
00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:52,400
Speaker 1: ourselves internally. So I don't even know what I'm actually

547
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:56,120
Speaker 1: advocating for. I know I'm uncomfortable, I don't I don't

548
00:29:56,160 --> 00:30:00,200
Speaker 1: know what to say about why I'm uncomfortable. And when

549
00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:02,160
Speaker 1: we have that internally, you know, when we start to

550
00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:04,720
Speaker 1: talk to her, I'm uncomfortable because I haven't drink water

551
00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:07,480
Speaker 1: while I didn't drink water because I worked past my alarm.

552
00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:09,640
Speaker 1: You know, we begin to recognize, oh, that's what that

553
00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:13,880
Speaker 1: uncomfort is. Because in the beginning, the discomfort just feels

554
00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:21,760
Speaker 1: like sometimes anger or exhaustion or resentment or projection. We

555
00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:25,080
Speaker 1: don't actually know what it is until we start to

556
00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:27,960
Speaker 1: have that self awareness, which is why I feel like

557
00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:30,640
Speaker 1: that's where the self healing helps us to build that

558
00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:35,120
Speaker 1: muscle to say, oh, I need to set this boundary

559
00:30:35,120 --> 00:30:37,920
Speaker 1: with myself. I probably also need to set this boundary

560
00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:41,360
Speaker 1: with others. And in the practice, like you were sharing

561
00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:45,320
Speaker 1: or are asking, we don't always have to communicate our boundaries.

562
00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:47,720
Speaker 1: We don't always have to say, hey, can I sit

563
00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:49,520
Speaker 1: down with you because I have a new boundary, Like

564
00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:52,719
Speaker 1: I really didn't want to buy this carpet, but I

565
00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:55,400
Speaker 1: really wanted this carpet, and so, you know, we don't

566
00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:57,200
Speaker 1: have to have that conversation. It's like, hey, if you

567
00:30:57,200 --> 00:30:58,840
Speaker 1: want to come inside, you have to take your shoes off.

568
00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:03,200
Speaker 1: Why is I mean? Is it kind of you know?

569
00:31:03,240 --> 00:31:09,600
Speaker 1: It could be common sense for some, but sometimes we're

570
00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:12,000
Speaker 1: just sharing what the boundary is, right, we don't have

571
00:31:12,040 --> 00:31:14,240
Speaker 1: to communicate or explain is a better way we don't

572
00:31:14,280 --> 00:31:16,680
Speaker 1: have to explain why is important for this to happen.

573
00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:19,720
Speaker 1: But then there are other boundaries where or practicing boundaries

574
00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:22,320
Speaker 1: where if you're in a romantic relationship with your partner,

575
00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:24,320
Speaker 1: you might have to say, hey, this is why I'm

576
00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:26,080
Speaker 1: setting this boundary. You might have to have those tough

577
00:31:26,080 --> 00:31:28,760
Speaker 1: conversations with kids, with parents, with people that you're in

578
00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:34,320
Speaker 1: interpersonal relationships with. And so beginning to parse all of

579
00:31:34,360 --> 00:31:37,280
Speaker 1: that out starts with the self, what do I need

580
00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:41,160
Speaker 1: and how can I give it to myself? First, first

581
00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:42,240
Speaker 1: and foremost.

582
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:44,360
Speaker 2: And I almost feel like you could even dial this

583
00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:48,800
Speaker 2: back one more layer because this practice of establishing your

584
00:31:48,800 --> 00:31:53,240
Speaker 2: bound boundaries and articulating what's important to you also likely

585
00:31:53,280 --> 00:31:57,040
Speaker 2: stems from your personal values, right, So being able to

586
00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:00,000
Speaker 2: sit down and articulate what it is in your life

587
00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:02,200
Speaker 2: that is of importance to you, where you do want to,

588
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:05,760
Speaker 2: you know, give and donate your energy and really focus

589
00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:07,120
Speaker 2: on absolutely.

590
00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:09,920
Speaker 1: I mean that's where the sugar jar concept comes from

591
00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:12,480
Speaker 1: that I teach from. Like you look at your jar,

592
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:15,640
Speaker 1: you know the jar, the glass jar itself is is you,

593
00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:20,040
Speaker 1: is your boundaries. The sugar is your energy, your time,

594
00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:23,320
Speaker 1: your money, all of the things that you can give

595
00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:27,640
Speaker 1: or exchange, and then the lid is the permission. When

596
00:32:27,640 --> 00:32:29,280
Speaker 1: you take the lid off, people can come in and

597
00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:31,680
Speaker 1: have access to you. When you put the lid back on,

598
00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:35,480
Speaker 1: they don't have access. Many of us have our jar

599
00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:37,360
Speaker 1: in a kitchen where people are just rolling in and

600
00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:39,440
Speaker 1: out taking out sugar. There's sugar all over the place,

601
00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:42,440
Speaker 1: and you know, like our energy, like our time, like

602
00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:46,880
Speaker 1: our money. When sugar spills, it's you're not going to

603
00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:49,120
Speaker 1: get all of it back, right, So then we're having

604
00:32:49,160 --> 00:32:51,640
Speaker 1: to fill ourselves back up. But it's hard to keep

605
00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:54,719
Speaker 1: your jar full if people are just coming in and out,

606
00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:58,240
Speaker 1: you know, constantly using it for whatever. So you have

607
00:32:58,280 --> 00:33:00,600
Speaker 1: to put your lid on. But in order to put

608
00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:02,960
Speaker 1: your lid on, you have to know your lid is off.

609
00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:06,560
Speaker 1: You have to know that it's you and it's it's

610
00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:10,920
Speaker 1: I think the values are important, but I notice that

611
00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:14,760
Speaker 1: the This is just in my experience with clients that

612
00:33:14,760 --> 00:33:17,560
Speaker 1: that doesn't come until they start to say no. That

613
00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:20,800
Speaker 1: usually doesn't click until they start to they know they're uncomfortable.

614
00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:22,400
Speaker 1: They're like, hey, I actually don't It could be something

615
00:33:22,440 --> 00:33:23,680
Speaker 1: like a birthday party. I don't want to go to

616
00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:26,520
Speaker 1: that birthday party, not because I don't love them, but

617
00:33:26,560 --> 00:33:30,040
Speaker 1: because I have worked tomorrow or whatever. And then when

618
00:33:30,080 --> 00:33:32,240
Speaker 1: they say the no, when they do the first the

619
00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:36,480
Speaker 1: first time, they advocate for themselves and maybe they get

620
00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:38,680
Speaker 1: that projection or that pushback or whatever it is that

621
00:33:38,680 --> 00:33:40,800
Speaker 1: they get from that person. If they get the yes,

622
00:33:41,040 --> 00:33:43,880
Speaker 1: I understand, girl, I'm so happy for you, then it's like,

623
00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:46,920
Speaker 1: oh my god, you know I set a boundary and

624
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:50,520
Speaker 1: their proud for me. That has happened maybe twice, and

625
00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:52,080
Speaker 1: all of the people.

626
00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:54,920
Speaker 3: Oh damn, you were giving them so much like this

627
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:55,760
Speaker 3: could happen to me.

628
00:33:56,160 --> 00:33:59,400
Speaker 1: It definitely happens with people that you are in relationship

629
00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:00,760
Speaker 1: with who are also in their own work.

630
00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:03,200
Speaker 2: I was going to say that understand who you are

631
00:34:03,360 --> 00:34:06,160
Speaker 2: and appreciate you and like your well being. It's that

632
00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:08,200
Speaker 2: idea like, well, they have to show your cup up

633
00:34:08,239 --> 00:34:09,759
Speaker 2: first so that you could you have to fill up

634
00:34:09,760 --> 00:34:13,279
Speaker 2: your own sugar jar so that you can like, you know, it's.

635
00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:15,040
Speaker 1: People who are taking care of their own sugar jars

636
00:34:15,200 --> 00:34:17,439
Speaker 1: and taking care of themselves. It's not even about you,

637
00:34:17,480 --> 00:34:19,480
Speaker 1: Like if they're taking care of themselves and they can

638
00:34:19,560 --> 00:34:22,399
Speaker 1: also understand someone else taking care of themselves. If they're

639
00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:24,799
Speaker 1: not taking care of themselves, and they're like, what do

640
00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:27,200
Speaker 1: you mean you need time for yourself? But yeah, once

641
00:34:27,239 --> 00:34:29,560
Speaker 1: they say that no, and they get that pushback or

642
00:34:29,560 --> 00:34:33,319
Speaker 1: that projection or that that trigger, then they recognize, oh,

643
00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:35,759
Speaker 1: I'm uncomfortable with this. Why am I uncomfortable with this?

644
00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:38,920
Speaker 1: Because I'm uncomfortable with you know? So what do I need? Oh?

645
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:41,160
Speaker 1: I need to be in relationships with people who understand

646
00:34:41,160 --> 00:34:42,680
Speaker 1: that I'm going to say no. Sometimes that's like the

647
00:34:43,200 --> 00:34:47,680
Speaker 1: value building, the understanding starts to click together.

648
00:34:48,160 --> 00:34:50,360
Speaker 3: Definitely, definitely, because people.

649
00:34:50,280 --> 00:34:53,080
Speaker 1: Usually think they're about their values. Are I serve, I

650
00:34:53,520 --> 00:34:55,520
Speaker 1: show up for my friends, I care for people, I'm

651
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:59,080
Speaker 1: a good person, I'm a kind person, I'm the strong person. Whatever.

652
00:34:59,400 --> 00:35:02,040
Speaker 2: So we've talked to about the importance of establishing your

653
00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:05,719
Speaker 2: values and the importance of starting these conversations with yourself

654
00:35:05,760 --> 00:35:09,000
Speaker 2: first when it comes to setting boundaries. We've talked about

655
00:35:09,040 --> 00:35:11,359
Speaker 2: also how it can be difficult to implement these when

656
00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:14,200
Speaker 2: it comes to bringing other people into the mix. So

657
00:35:14,239 --> 00:35:18,160
Speaker 2: do you have any perhaps tips to help the hurdlers

658
00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:19,680
Speaker 2: get to that stage.

659
00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:24,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, So, once you've started setting boundaries with yourself, you recognize, Okay,

660
00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:25,919
Speaker 1: I'm going to have to set some boundaries with people

661
00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:30,520
Speaker 1: in my life. It's really important to begin to be

662
00:35:30,600 --> 00:35:32,600
Speaker 1: honest with yourself about who you're dealing with. That's the

663
00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:37,239
Speaker 1: first place that we start in our dream mind. In

664
00:35:37,280 --> 00:35:41,840
Speaker 1: our dream scenario, every single person will be estatic that

665
00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:44,360
Speaker 1: we're putting a lid on our jar, that we're setting boundaries,

666
00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:48,319
Speaker 1: that we're not giving all of ourselves away anymore. But unfortunately,

667
00:35:48,520 --> 00:35:50,560
Speaker 1: a lot of people that were in relationship with, even

668
00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:52,879
Speaker 1: people who love us, even people who are family, even

669
00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:57,359
Speaker 1: people we have children with, all of them enjoy the

670
00:35:57,360 --> 00:36:02,120
Speaker 1: parts of us that are boundaryless, and so it can

671
00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:07,560
Speaker 1: feel for them sometimes like it can create energy of defensiveness.

672
00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:11,000
Speaker 1: Why don't you want to continue to overgive to me?

673
00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:15,080
Speaker 1: And so what you have to begin to ask yourself

674
00:36:16,000 --> 00:36:18,719
Speaker 1: before you set these boundaries with people is do I

675
00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:21,040
Speaker 1: have any evidence that this is someone who may not

676
00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:25,719
Speaker 1: be able to handle this conversation? For example, are they

677
00:36:25,719 --> 00:36:29,960
Speaker 1: in therapy, are they doing their own healing? Do they

678
00:36:29,960 --> 00:36:35,360
Speaker 1: take care of themselves? Do we already have tense conversations

679
00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:38,920
Speaker 1: or communications. The reason why it's important to do this

680
00:36:39,080 --> 00:36:43,800
Speaker 1: is because sometimes even in the relationships that you want

681
00:36:43,960 --> 00:36:46,719
Speaker 1: to set boundaries in or that you're hoping that boundaries

682
00:36:46,719 --> 00:36:50,279
Speaker 1: will make the relationship easier. It's helpful to be honest

683
00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:54,879
Speaker 1: with yourself about the possibility that these might be relationships

684
00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:58,239
Speaker 1: that will drastically change when you set boundaries and what

685
00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:04,000
Speaker 1: I mean by drastically changes and go away, because sometimes

686
00:37:04,040 --> 00:37:07,600
Speaker 1: boundaries are the deal breaker for relationships. People don't want

687
00:37:07,640 --> 00:37:10,120
Speaker 1: to be in relationship with you as a boundary person.

688
00:37:10,400 --> 00:37:13,440
Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure, And I think that that is obviously

689
00:37:13,480 --> 00:37:19,120
Speaker 2: where so many people struggle, right the idea of losing

690
00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:23,560
Speaker 2: someone who at one point in time was very important

691
00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:26,719
Speaker 2: to you. And it's not that all of a sudden

692
00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:30,200
Speaker 2: you don't care about their well being, But at times

693
00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:32,680
Speaker 2: it's like you can only give and give and gifts

694
00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:35,480
Speaker 2: so much until you realize that you're just hurting yourself

695
00:37:35,560 --> 00:37:37,440
Speaker 2: in that process.

696
00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:39,719
Speaker 1: It's so true, and I think why that's the first

697
00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:42,600
Speaker 1: step is because it can be very jarring and shocking.

698
00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:45,600
Speaker 1: Sometimes incredibly close people that you thought would be with

699
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:48,680
Speaker 1: you forever are the people that those relationships end in.

700
00:37:49,520 --> 00:37:51,759
Speaker 1: Having that conversation with yourself doesn't make it easier, but

701
00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:54,160
Speaker 1: it at least prepares you for the possibility that this

702
00:37:54,200 --> 00:37:57,280
Speaker 1: is something that could happen. And then with the people

703
00:37:57,320 --> 00:37:59,799
Speaker 1: that you think might be and this is this isn't

704
00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:02,640
Speaker 1: people or projecting onto people, or you know, just being

705
00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:05,200
Speaker 1: honest with yourself, like, based on the interactions I've had

706
00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:06,880
Speaker 1: with them so far, what do I think I'm getting

707
00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:09,759
Speaker 1: myself into? And then you try the conversation, you say, hey,

708
00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:13,440
Speaker 1: you know, this is what's going to be happening going forward.

709
00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:16,880
Speaker 1: This is why Again, these are interpersonal relationships where the

710
00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:20,720
Speaker 1: boundary might affect the relationship to the point where communicating

711
00:38:20,920 --> 00:38:25,520
Speaker 1: is the healthy and kind and respectful thing to do

712
00:38:25,719 --> 00:38:28,440
Speaker 1: with someone that you're in relationship with. And then you

713
00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:33,880
Speaker 1: have the conversation and you know, I just it's interesting.

714
00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:36,040
Speaker 1: You really never know how people are going to react.

715
00:38:37,040 --> 00:38:40,120
Speaker 1: Sometimes people are very excited for you and want to

716
00:38:40,160 --> 00:38:44,120
Speaker 1: support you, and sometimes people feel like the simple choosing

717
00:38:44,160 --> 00:38:48,560
Speaker 1: yourself means that you're not choosing them, and things will

718
00:38:48,600 --> 00:38:51,520
Speaker 1: shift and change, but ultimately, at the end of the day,

719
00:38:51,880 --> 00:38:54,520
Speaker 1: reminding yourself that it's still important that you choose yourself.

720
00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:59,120
Speaker 1: It's still important that you stand strong and firm and

721
00:38:59,200 --> 00:39:02,520
Speaker 1: the boundaries that matter to you and not begin to

722
00:39:03,080 --> 00:39:07,200
Speaker 1: second guess yourself now because they're uncomfortable with the boundaries

723
00:39:07,239 --> 00:39:11,239
Speaker 1: that you've set and so and again. It can be

724
00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:15,279
Speaker 1: big or small, but usually it's the small boundaries that

725
00:39:15,400 --> 00:39:19,680
Speaker 1: really change people. Because the small boundaries like going to

726
00:39:19,719 --> 00:39:22,480
Speaker 1: bed early, or drinking water or not drinking or not

727
00:39:22,560 --> 00:39:24,839
Speaker 1: drinking is a big is a big one for you,

728
00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:27,640
Speaker 1: but for it's like just a social thing. Whatever it

729
00:39:27,680 --> 00:39:30,360
Speaker 1: is you're choosing for yourself, the small ways in what

730
00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:34,400
Speaker 1: you're shaping and changing your life, whatever it is, it

731
00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:37,120
Speaker 1: usually changes the connection that you had with that person.

732
00:39:37,120 --> 00:39:39,520
Speaker 1: If all you did was go out in club together

733
00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:42,279
Speaker 1: and now you're training for a marathon, the nature of

734
00:39:42,320 --> 00:39:47,080
Speaker 1: the relationship has completely shifted. And so I think understanding

735
00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:49,160
Speaker 1: and having compassion for what that person might be going

736
00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:51,840
Speaker 1: through as well, but that doesn't have to change what

737
00:39:51,840 --> 00:39:53,160
Speaker 1: you've chosen for yourself.

738
00:39:53,640 --> 00:39:56,480
Speaker 2: I think that example of not drinking is actually a

739
00:39:56,560 --> 00:39:59,399
Speaker 2: really good one to tap into for a second here,

740
00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:03,279
Speaker 2: because this can be for instance, maybe you just don't

741
00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:06,399
Speaker 2: want to drink one particular night, right like you're still

742
00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:08,520
Speaker 2: down to go out for dinner, everyone's out, and you

743
00:40:08,640 --> 00:40:11,640
Speaker 2: have this one friend that says, just have a glass

744
00:40:11,680 --> 00:40:13,719
Speaker 2: of wine, like just do this one thing, and you

745
00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:17,600
Speaker 2: stand firm in that but you leave that interaction feeling

746
00:40:17,640 --> 00:40:20,359
Speaker 2: a little red the wrong way that this person wasn't

747
00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:23,640
Speaker 2: really respecting your boundaries. So then my question to you

748
00:40:24,280 --> 00:40:27,880
Speaker 2: is where's the importance of perhaps after the fact, maybe

749
00:40:27,960 --> 00:40:31,320
Speaker 2: just talking to that person about how that made you feel,

750
00:40:31,560 --> 00:40:33,880
Speaker 2: and if there is value in doing that so that

751
00:40:33,960 --> 00:40:37,160
Speaker 2: maybe the next time you don't experience that same altercation.

752
00:40:37,239 --> 00:40:40,920
Speaker 1: Perhaps Yeah, you know, I name that because that's probably

753
00:40:40,920 --> 00:40:43,640
Speaker 1: when that comes happens all the time, where it's like

754
00:40:43,680 --> 00:40:45,399
Speaker 1: have that glass of wine, or come on, just take

755
00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:48,160
Speaker 1: a shot whatever, or and then the comments that come

756
00:40:48,160 --> 00:40:50,640
Speaker 1: after that, oh you're prude or whatever they say that

757
00:40:50,719 --> 00:40:54,520
Speaker 1: makes you you know, they're trying to what is the

758
00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:57,920
Speaker 1: word they're trying to pressure you into you peer pressure?

759
00:40:58,000 --> 00:40:59,799
Speaker 1: Peer pressure, few pressure you.

760
00:41:00,320 --> 00:41:02,200
Speaker 2: We're so good with our boundaries, we don't even know

761
00:41:02,239 --> 00:41:07,719
Speaker 2: what peer pressure is. Yeah, not one hundred percentury, but

762
00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:14,080
Speaker 2: facts still working on and always working. But yes, it's

763
00:41:14,120 --> 00:41:16,799
Speaker 2: important to first have the conversation with yourself what was

764
00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:20,600
Speaker 2: I uncomfortable with? Get as clear as possible with yourself

765
00:41:20,640 --> 00:41:23,440
Speaker 2: about what just happened. That way, you're walking into a

766
00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:27,640
Speaker 2: conversation instead of an argument. You're walking into a communication

767
00:41:28,040 --> 00:41:32,080
Speaker 2: instead of a let me tell you about yourself kind

768
00:41:32,080 --> 00:41:36,479
Speaker 2: of communication. Once you realize what's happening, who you're talking

769
00:41:36,480 --> 00:41:38,319
Speaker 2: to again, do that self assessment who am I talking to?

770
00:41:38,480 --> 00:41:40,000
Speaker 2: If I'm talking to the life of the party who's

771
00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:42,040
Speaker 2: always having a glass of wine, then they may not

772
00:41:42,080 --> 00:41:42,719
Speaker 2: think it's a big deal.

773
00:41:42,719 --> 00:41:45,520
Speaker 1: They may not understand. And then you know, have that

774
00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:48,239
Speaker 1: conversation and say, hey, I know you just wanted me

775
00:41:48,280 --> 00:41:49,680
Speaker 1: to have a good time last night, and I know

776
00:41:49,680 --> 00:41:51,440
Speaker 1: you were just trying to help help me loosen up.

777
00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:53,359
Speaker 1: But like when I say I don't want to drink,

778
00:41:53,400 --> 00:41:55,120
Speaker 1: you don't have to worry about it. I'm fine. I

779
00:41:55,160 --> 00:41:58,880
Speaker 1: was having a great time. And remember that the point

780
00:41:59,040 --> 00:42:01,840
Speaker 1: is not to teach them. Listen, when I set a boundary,

781
00:42:02,000 --> 00:42:04,160
Speaker 1: you're going to honor it because you know, you're not

782
00:42:04,239 --> 00:42:06,880
Speaker 1: their therapist, you're not their parent, you're not their school teacher.

783
00:42:07,320 --> 00:42:10,320
Speaker 1: You're just advocating for yourself. And then if it happens again,

784
00:42:11,239 --> 00:42:14,280
Speaker 1: then you can make a decision right there in the moment.

785
00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:16,520
Speaker 1: I mean, I think there's a time and a place

786
00:42:16,560 --> 00:42:19,399
Speaker 1: sometimes to definitely check people in the moment and say

787
00:42:19,440 --> 00:42:21,600
Speaker 1: I said I'm good, yeah, and then that's it.

788
00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:24,279
Speaker 2: This would be one of those instances that I would

789
00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:26,839
Speaker 2: remind myself or ask myself, what is it that I'm

790
00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:29,560
Speaker 2: hoping to get out of this conversation before I go

791
00:42:29,680 --> 00:42:32,399
Speaker 2: into it. I ask myself that a lot, whether it's

792
00:42:32,719 --> 00:42:36,000
Speaker 2: conversations with friends or conversations in business, like how can

793
00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:38,919
Speaker 2: I best present myself, stay true to who I am

794
00:42:39,000 --> 00:42:41,000
Speaker 2: and the things that I want, and have like a

795
00:42:41,040 --> 00:42:44,799
Speaker 2: productive conversation instead of again you were saying like lecturering

796
00:42:44,920 --> 00:42:47,480
Speaker 2: or lecturing or bullying, like, that's not the goal here.

797
00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:50,080
Speaker 2: Think about what it is that you're trying to walk

798
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:50,640
Speaker 2: away with.

799
00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:53,480
Speaker 1: That is so important and it's an important part of

800
00:42:53,520 --> 00:42:57,799
Speaker 1: the setting boundaries conversation I'm not here to change you.

801
00:42:58,640 --> 00:43:03,360
Speaker 1: I can't change you. And also being honest with yourself first.

802
00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:08,520
Speaker 1: Having that initial conversation is reducing the expectations. That's what

803
00:43:08,520 --> 00:43:11,360
Speaker 1: that process is doing. Instead of going into the conversation

804
00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:13,400
Speaker 1: and thinking they're gonna hear me, they're gonna understand me,

805
00:43:13,719 --> 00:43:16,680
Speaker 1: they're gonna be like I was wrong, They're gonna apologize

806
00:43:17,040 --> 00:43:20,200
Speaker 1: that may or may not happen. What we're doing when

807
00:43:20,239 --> 00:43:22,920
Speaker 1: we're thinking about the conversation or thinking about what we're

808
00:43:22,920 --> 00:43:25,719
Speaker 1: walking into, we're getting ourselves prepared to go in. We're

809
00:43:25,719 --> 00:43:28,720
Speaker 1: remembering who we're talking to. The remembering who I'm talking

810
00:43:28,719 --> 00:43:32,160
Speaker 1: to lets me know, Okay, they've never apologized to me before,

811
00:43:32,239 --> 00:43:33,960
Speaker 1: so I probably won't get an apology out of this.

812
00:43:34,960 --> 00:43:38,279
Speaker 1: What am I actually here for. I'm reminding myself. I'm

813
00:43:38,280 --> 00:43:40,680
Speaker 1: here to voice my boundaries and to make it clear

814
00:43:40,680 --> 00:43:45,319
Speaker 1: that I was uncomfortable. There is no other expectation. Right,

815
00:43:45,880 --> 00:43:49,479
Speaker 1: they may decide to do this again. You can set

816
00:43:49,520 --> 00:43:52,160
Speaker 1: a boundary. It doesn't mean that people will want to

817
00:43:52,200 --> 00:43:54,800
Speaker 1: follow it. It doesn't mean that people will one hundred

818
00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:56,799
Speaker 1: percent be behind you and what they may say, Hey,

819
00:43:56,880 --> 00:43:58,759
Speaker 1: I understand that you didn't want to join that night.

820
00:43:58,840 --> 00:44:01,120
Speaker 1: I think you're overreacting a little bit. It was just,

821
00:44:01,239 --> 00:44:04,440
Speaker 1: you know, I was just and that's it. Like you

822
00:44:05,320 --> 00:44:08,400
Speaker 1: did what you came to do. You could take it

823
00:44:08,440 --> 00:44:10,600
Speaker 1: further if you wanted to and have an argument and

824
00:44:10,719 --> 00:44:13,839
Speaker 1: you know, or have a discussion or have a debate. Personally,

825
00:44:14,719 --> 00:44:17,360
Speaker 1: we're human. Things are going to happen. Those instances are

826
00:44:17,360 --> 00:44:19,440
Speaker 1: going to happen. But if like I was talking to

827
00:44:19,480 --> 00:44:22,320
Speaker 1: a client, I would say, before they had this conversation,

828
00:44:22,600 --> 00:44:25,680
Speaker 1: how would having that debate that argument actually serve you,

829
00:44:26,080 --> 00:44:28,439
Speaker 1: because now we're going to be walking away from that.

830
00:44:29,440 --> 00:44:31,600
Speaker 1: Now we've got a new problem on our hands. The

831
00:44:31,600 --> 00:44:33,480
Speaker 1: conversation was originally just about, hey, when I say I

832
00:44:33,520 --> 00:44:35,279
Speaker 1: don't want to drink, I don't want to drink. Now

833
00:44:35,320 --> 00:44:37,920
Speaker 1: we're talking about how you know, we're taking it further.

834
00:44:37,960 --> 00:44:40,520
Speaker 1: When if we did that first self check, who am

835
00:44:40,560 --> 00:44:44,040
Speaker 1: I talking to, what am I expecting out of this conversation,

836
00:44:44,200 --> 00:44:48,120
Speaker 1: what do I personally need? Then you most likely can

837
00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:51,440
Speaker 1: walk into it with a clearer mind frame about I'm

838
00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:54,960
Speaker 1: here to just advocate for myself. I'm not necessarily here

839
00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:59,040
Speaker 1: to make them do, say, or be anything other than

840
00:44:59,080 --> 00:45:00,920
Speaker 1: what they may or may not choose to do in

841
00:45:00,920 --> 00:45:01,360
Speaker 1: that moment.

842
00:45:01,960 --> 00:45:05,680
Speaker 2: Definitely, definitely, Okay. So we've talked about setting self boundaries.

843
00:45:05,680 --> 00:45:08,759
Speaker 2: We've talked about executing your boundaries with others. We've talked

844
00:45:08,760 --> 00:45:11,000
Speaker 2: about the conversations that may have that you may have

845
00:45:11,080 --> 00:45:13,080
Speaker 2: to have if you set these boundaries and they don't

846
00:45:13,120 --> 00:45:15,480
Speaker 2: go so well. What we haven't talked on yet, but

847
00:45:15,560 --> 00:45:18,719
Speaker 2: we did reference, was the difficulty that can come hand

848
00:45:18,760 --> 00:45:21,719
Speaker 2: in hand when you may have to pivot or walk

849
00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:25,160
Speaker 2: away from certain relationships that aren't serving you when you

850
00:45:25,239 --> 00:45:28,799
Speaker 2: set these boundaries. Do you have any advice for the

851
00:45:28,920 --> 00:45:32,440
Speaker 2: hurdlers when it comes to dealing with the feelings that

852
00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:34,040
Speaker 2: come hand in hand with that.

853
00:45:35,239 --> 00:45:38,840
Speaker 1: Oh, it sucks. It does when we set boundaries and

854
00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:42,120
Speaker 1: relationships and or when people set boundaries and they with us.

855
00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:44,399
Speaker 1: You know, boundaries are really sexy when we're talking about

856
00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:47,760
Speaker 1: setting them for when I'm facilitating, they become less sexy

857
00:45:47,760 --> 00:45:50,359
Speaker 1: when we've been talking about people setting boundaries with us.

858
00:45:50,840 --> 00:45:55,120
Speaker 1: So there's a couple of things. There's important part of

859
00:45:55,200 --> 00:45:59,600
Speaker 1: recognizing that people have free choice. Just like we're choosing ourselves,

860
00:45:59,719 --> 00:46:02,239
Speaker 1: people can also choose to not choose us when we

861
00:46:02,360 --> 00:46:09,879
Speaker 1: choose ourselves. And so it's easy to say, sometimes, well

862
00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:12,440
Speaker 1: they don't like me as this new version of myself.

863
00:46:12,840 --> 00:46:15,480
Speaker 1: Well maybe they don't, and they get to choose that.

864
00:46:16,040 --> 00:46:19,520
Speaker 1: And if the point is for us to choose ourselves,

865
00:46:20,560 --> 00:46:23,480
Speaker 1: recognizing in the beginning and understanding that people may not

866
00:46:23,520 --> 00:46:26,200
Speaker 1: want to come with us when we do that, it

867
00:46:26,239 --> 00:46:28,200
Speaker 1: doesn't make them less than it doesn't make them not

868
00:46:28,239 --> 00:46:30,160
Speaker 1: having their best lives. It just means that we're not

869
00:46:30,200 --> 00:46:32,520
Speaker 1: on the same path anymore. And so that's I think

870
00:46:32,520 --> 00:46:35,719
Speaker 1: the first important part to recognize. Because we can also

871
00:46:35,760 --> 00:46:38,399
Speaker 1: carry around a lot of resentment and quote unquote they're

872
00:46:38,440 --> 00:46:42,000
Speaker 1: not on my level kind of energy. When we think, oh,

873
00:46:42,040 --> 00:46:44,000
Speaker 1: because I'm becoming a better version of myself, they don't

874
00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:46,000
Speaker 1: want to come with me. They have a different idea

875
00:46:46,040 --> 00:46:48,600
Speaker 1: of what life is and they get to choose that,

876
00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:52,480
Speaker 1: and so like separating the two. But the second piece

877
00:46:52,520 --> 00:46:56,239
Speaker 1: is the grief. You know, it's really hard when you

878
00:46:56,239 --> 00:46:58,439
Speaker 1: think you have someone that you're going to be with

879
00:46:58,440 --> 00:47:00,719
Speaker 1: that forever, or that you're going to have around forever,

880
00:47:00,840 --> 00:47:04,000
Speaker 1: especially when it's a friend. I found, especially in facilitating

881
00:47:04,000 --> 00:47:08,040
Speaker 1: this work, that like, the breakups with romantic partnerships are

882
00:47:08,120 --> 00:47:12,160
Speaker 1: nothing compared to the breakups that happen with friends and family.

883
00:47:12,400 --> 00:47:15,440
Speaker 1: Like that is the ones that people are like, Okay,

884
00:47:15,440 --> 00:47:18,560
Speaker 1: my partner, you know whatever. I mean, it's hard. But

885
00:47:18,600 --> 00:47:22,839
Speaker 1: my best friend since high school or my aunt, like

886
00:47:22,920 --> 00:47:25,320
Speaker 1: I didn't see this coming. And I think with family,

887
00:47:25,400 --> 00:47:30,040
Speaker 1: I'll just name that sometimes in families, we have this

888
00:47:30,160 --> 00:47:34,000
Speaker 1: language and communication that we adapt to that we don't

889
00:47:34,040 --> 00:47:37,280
Speaker 1: even realize as a boundary violation. So we've been operating

890
00:47:37,280 --> 00:47:41,080
Speaker 1: in our family dynamic for our whole lives under this

891
00:47:41,200 --> 00:47:44,520
Speaker 1: boundary violation. And when we start advocating for ourselves and

892
00:47:44,560 --> 00:47:48,799
Speaker 1: choosing ourselves. We realize, I can't be myself in my

893
00:47:48,960 --> 00:47:54,480
Speaker 1: family without this boundary, and so I hope that makes sense.

894
00:47:54,520 --> 00:47:58,759
Speaker 1: And so now we're setting boundaries with family that no

895
00:47:58,800 --> 00:48:02,040
Speaker 1: one has ever introduced before, and so that can be

896
00:48:02,080 --> 00:48:05,880
Speaker 1: really tough, and it's just important to recognize that it

897
00:48:05,880 --> 00:48:11,320
Speaker 1: can really ruffle things. But it's also important to recognize

898
00:48:11,320 --> 00:48:13,720
Speaker 1: a name that you're allowed to have boundaries with family.

899
00:48:14,000 --> 00:48:17,080
Speaker 1: When it comes to friends, our chosen family, that can

900
00:48:17,120 --> 00:48:20,440
Speaker 1: be really tough too. When relationships shift and change for

901
00:48:20,520 --> 00:48:22,680
Speaker 1: both of them and for all of them, grief comes up.

902
00:48:23,360 --> 00:48:27,720
Speaker 1: We walk through the journey of sadness and discomfort, and

903
00:48:27,960 --> 00:48:30,200
Speaker 1: every single person that I have worked with when on

904
00:48:30,200 --> 00:48:33,279
Speaker 1: One has usually had to build some form of a

905
00:48:33,320 --> 00:48:36,920
Speaker 1: new community of people who are also on this journey

906
00:48:36,960 --> 00:48:40,120
Speaker 1: because it can be really hard. Not everybody is willing

907
00:48:40,160 --> 00:48:43,280
Speaker 1: to do this work. This is a choice. We don't

908
00:48:43,320 --> 00:48:46,799
Speaker 1: have to do this, and so but knowing that there

909
00:48:46,920 --> 00:48:50,359
Speaker 1: is an opportunity for connection and relationships on the other

910
00:48:50,520 --> 00:48:52,160
Speaker 1: side is really important.

911
00:48:52,920 --> 00:48:55,800
Speaker 3: Definitely, definitely, and something that I've leaned into.

912
00:48:56,160 --> 00:48:57,880
Speaker 2: I have this thing and I've referenced it on the

913
00:48:57,880 --> 00:49:00,279
Speaker 2: show before but I have this thing that I my

914
00:49:00,400 --> 00:49:03,200
Speaker 2: joy list, and it could be me dealing with the

915
00:49:03,239 --> 00:49:06,080
Speaker 2: loss of a friendship because of the implementation of a boundary,

916
00:49:06,160 --> 00:49:07,880
Speaker 2: or it could be me dealing with the fact that

917
00:49:08,120 --> 00:49:10,160
Speaker 2: my right hip feels a little wonky right now, which

918
00:49:10,200 --> 00:49:12,640
Speaker 2: is very scary because I'm supposed to be running a

919
00:49:12,640 --> 00:49:13,680
Speaker 2: marathon in three weeks.

920
00:49:14,000 --> 00:49:16,080
Speaker 3: Either of those things, I'll go to my joy list.

921
00:49:16,120 --> 00:49:18,319
Speaker 2: I'll open it up, and I'll pick something that I

922
00:49:18,480 --> 00:49:21,120
Speaker 2: know brings me happiness, so that in that moment, I

923
00:49:21,200 --> 00:49:24,680
Speaker 2: can remind myself that I am in charge of my

924
00:49:24,800 --> 00:49:27,640
Speaker 2: own joy and whatever is going on that is making

925
00:49:27,680 --> 00:49:30,920
Speaker 2: me feel what could be inferior or frustrated or.

926
00:49:31,200 --> 00:49:34,360
Speaker 3: Just glum, is not going to go away.

927
00:49:34,760 --> 00:49:36,960
Speaker 2: But I have the choice in that moment to do

928
00:49:37,000 --> 00:49:39,319
Speaker 2: something about how I feel and move forward from there.

929
00:49:40,160 --> 00:49:42,080
Speaker 1: I absolutely love that I teach. I teach you. I

930
00:49:42,120 --> 00:49:45,840
Speaker 1: called the joy list that same eACT thing. Yes, for

931
00:49:45,880 --> 00:49:47,960
Speaker 1: people to keep a list of five things that they

932
00:49:48,000 --> 00:49:51,120
Speaker 1: love at all times, because we have to choose. It's

933
00:49:51,160 --> 00:49:54,880
Speaker 1: one of the most interesting things about healing that comes up.

934
00:49:54,920 --> 00:49:56,960
Speaker 1: We think that, oh, I'll set boundaries, I'll do all

935
00:49:57,000 --> 00:50:00,600
Speaker 1: this work, and then joy will disappear. That's not how

936
00:50:00,640 --> 00:50:03,880
Speaker 1: it actually works all the time. Because life is still happening,

937
00:50:03,960 --> 00:50:07,120
Speaker 1: ups and downs is still happening. Stuff is happening on

938
00:50:07,160 --> 00:50:10,160
Speaker 1: the news, friends, family, things are changing. We have to

939
00:50:10,239 --> 00:50:14,319
Speaker 1: choose joy and so you know, reminding yourself to bring

940
00:50:14,360 --> 00:50:18,880
Speaker 1: that in is so important, an important part of healing

941
00:50:19,160 --> 00:50:21,359
Speaker 1: and advocating for yourself and self care.

942
00:50:22,080 --> 00:50:25,080
Speaker 2: This conversation about boundaries has been so helpful. I think

943
00:50:25,480 --> 00:50:29,000
Speaker 2: for many of the listeners. I get so many messages

944
00:50:29,040 --> 00:50:32,960
Speaker 2: talking about their you know want and desire to do

945
00:50:33,040 --> 00:50:35,399
Speaker 2: this kind of work, but the fear that goes hand

946
00:50:35,400 --> 00:50:37,839
Speaker 2: in hand with that. And if there's anything that I

947
00:50:37,920 --> 00:50:40,840
Speaker 2: think is for certain in this conversation, it's that although

948
00:50:40,920 --> 00:50:44,560
Speaker 2: setting the boundaries again can be difficult, that you will

949
00:50:44,640 --> 00:50:48,000
Speaker 2: walk away feeling more invested and close with yourself, knowing

950
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:50,960
Speaker 2: that you're sticking up for you because I firmly believe

951
00:50:51,040 --> 00:50:53,120
Speaker 2: and I know that you do, being someone who.

952
00:50:53,239 --> 00:50:54,759
Speaker 3: Who does this self healing work.

953
00:50:54,800 --> 00:50:57,600
Speaker 2: It's that like it starts with you, and again that

954
00:50:57,719 --> 00:50:59,719
Speaker 2: idea that if you don't take the time to give

955
00:50:59,760 --> 00:51:02,040
Speaker 2: back you to fill up your cup, then who are

956
00:51:02,080 --> 00:51:05,680
Speaker 2: you to expect that you'll be able to show up

957
00:51:05,719 --> 00:51:09,520
Speaker 2: in your other relationships nearly as whole or as happy

958
00:51:09,600 --> 00:51:10,520
Speaker 2: as you could otherwise.

959
00:51:11,000 --> 00:51:14,719
Speaker 1: Absolutely so important to you know, fill up your own jar.

960
00:51:15,080 --> 00:51:18,400
Speaker 1: It's so important to leave other people's jars to themselves.

961
00:51:18,760 --> 00:51:22,400
Speaker 1: And anytime you're feeling that discomfort, you have an opportunity.

962
00:51:22,440 --> 00:51:25,520
Speaker 1: You have a choice, and I hope that you feel

963
00:51:25,800 --> 00:51:27,240
Speaker 1: the invitation to choose yourself.

964
00:51:28,000 --> 00:51:29,520
Speaker 2: I love that you ask me, and how do the

965
00:51:29,600 --> 00:51:32,200
Speaker 2: hurdlers follow along with you? How do they keep up

966
00:51:32,280 --> 00:51:36,400
Speaker 2: with you? For more inspiration and motivation, give me the details.

967
00:51:36,719 --> 00:51:40,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, so definitely follow me on Instagram at yasmin Chyenne,

968
00:51:40,120 --> 00:51:42,840
Speaker 1: I share a daily post. You can also join my

969
00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:47,719
Speaker 1: list where I share workbooks and journals for free, and

970
00:51:47,760 --> 00:51:49,960
Speaker 1: then listen to the Sugar Jar podcast anywhere you listen

971
00:51:50,000 --> 00:51:50,680
Speaker 1: to podcasts.

972
00:51:51,040 --> 00:51:53,240
Speaker 2: Thank you so much. I'm over at Emily a Body

973
00:51:53,320 --> 00:51:57,319
Speaker 2: and at Hurdle Podcasts. Another hurdle conquered. Catch you guys

974
00:51:57,320 --> 00:51:57,759
Speaker 2: next time

975
00:52:05,080 --> 00:52:05,759
Speaker 1: In right