WEBVTT - Sex, Love and Relationships 0:00:03.640 --> 0:00:06.000 I love Valentine's Day because, yes, some people think, oh, 0:00:06.040 --> 0:00:08.320 it's Valentine's Day and it's about couples, and yes, it's 0:00:08.320 --> 0:00:14.520 about couples, but it's also about friendships. Intimacy is made 0:00:14.560 --> 0:00:18.360 up of two parts, emotional and physical, and the emotional 0:00:18.480 --> 0:00:24.560 part of your intimacy is so so important. I think 0:00:24.600 --> 0:00:27.240 the number one red flag that you should never ignore 0:00:28.000 --> 0:00:34.520 is lying in dishonesty, sex on the first date. Good 0:00:34.560 --> 0:00:40.680 idea or bad idea. Hello, guys, thank you so much 0:00:40.720 --> 0:00:43.920 for joining me for another episode of cheek Ease and Chill. 0:00:44.240 --> 0:00:48.080 I'm your host cheek Ease. Today is February fourteenth, which 0:00:48.080 --> 0:00:51.120 means it's Valentine's Day, So Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. 0:00:51.560 --> 0:00:55.080 Love is definitely in the air. I can feel it anyway. 0:00:55.200 --> 0:00:58.280 We're dedicating today's episode to all things love and we 0:00:58.360 --> 0:01:01.400 have the perfect guest for this, So get ready because 0:01:01.440 --> 0:01:04.800 we're about to dive into another episode of cheek Ease 0:01:05.319 --> 0:01:14.320 and Chill. Today's guest is Dr Vivienna Coles. You probably 0:01:14.360 --> 0:01:17.679 know her from lifetimes Married at First Sight. She's a 0:01:17.720 --> 0:01:21.600 license marriage and Family therapist and he certified sex therapist. 0:01:21.880 --> 0:01:24.040 We have a lot of questions about that. She's also 0:01:24.120 --> 0:01:27.400 the author of the new book The for Intimacy Styles, 0:01:27.680 --> 0:01:31.520 The Key to Lasting Physical Intimacy. Dr Vivienna, thank you 0:01:31.720 --> 0:01:34.960 so much for joining us. How are you? Oh, I'm 0:01:35.040 --> 0:01:38.399 so excited to be here. I'm really really looking forward 0:01:38.400 --> 0:01:41.720 to the fact that this is Valentine's Day and love 0:01:41.880 --> 0:01:44.360 is on the brain and it's always on mine. So 0:01:44.440 --> 0:01:48.360 here we go. Oh mine too, So before we dive 0:01:48.440 --> 0:01:52.200 into you know many questions that I have, how does 0:01:52.320 --> 0:01:55.680 Dr Vivienna celebrate Valentine's Day? Do you do anything special? 0:01:56.000 --> 0:02:00.120 I don't know. I'm just I'm kind of nosy. So well, actually, 0:02:00.160 --> 0:02:02.520 I have a lot going on this Valentine's Day. It's 0:02:02.520 --> 0:02:06.200 pretty much my busiest time of year being a relationship 0:02:06.240 --> 0:02:09.959 and sex therapist and an intimacy expert. That's when I'm 0:02:10.040 --> 0:02:12.960 working a lot. But I'm also really trying to spend 0:02:13.040 --> 0:02:15.680 some time with my husband and of course sharing the 0:02:15.720 --> 0:02:18.919 love with the kiddos as well. I tend to do 0:02:19.200 --> 0:02:22.080 a little trip, a romantic getaway, and this year is 0:02:22.080 --> 0:02:25.720 no different. Nice. I love that, you know what. I 0:02:25.720 --> 0:02:28.160 love Valentine's Day because yes, some people think, oh it's 0:02:28.240 --> 0:02:30.880 Valentine's day, and it's about couples. And yes, it's about couples, 0:02:30.919 --> 0:02:34.240 but it's also about friendships. And even my mom was 0:02:34.280 --> 0:02:36.880 one that made Valentine's Day so special for us. She 0:02:36.919 --> 0:02:39.680 would make us baskets and write us cards and leave 0:02:39.720 --> 0:02:41.720 them outside of our door and we would wake up 0:02:41.720 --> 0:02:43.480 to it. So even if we didn't have a Valentine, 0:02:43.760 --> 0:02:48.079 we had that. I'm very like, I'm kind of cliche 0:02:48.160 --> 0:02:50.079 if you'd say whatever. I just I feel like we 0:02:50.120 --> 0:02:52.760 should love every single day, but to day is the day. 0:02:53.680 --> 0:02:56.400 So make sure that you tell everyone you love that 0:02:56.480 --> 0:02:59.720 you love them absolutely. And it's not just about that 0:02:59.800 --> 0:03:02.960 room antick love just about love in general. And of course, 0:03:03.480 --> 0:03:05.400 like you said, every day should be about love, but 0:03:05.440 --> 0:03:06.840 this one is the time where you can be really 0:03:06.960 --> 0:03:09.880 cheesy and bold about it. There you go, That's what 0:03:09.919 --> 0:03:11.920 I meant, see perfect. This is why I'm talking to 0:03:11.960 --> 0:03:14.200 you today because everything I want to say is like 0:03:14.280 --> 0:03:17.080 you can say about her. So okay, So for those 0:03:17.120 --> 0:03:19.600 of you that haven't watched Married at First Sight, I 0:03:19.600 --> 0:03:21.639 want to ask you Dr Brianna, how has it been 0:03:21.800 --> 0:03:24.080 you guys are going on how many seasons? Now? We 0:03:24.160 --> 0:03:29.520 are on season fourteen? Oh my goodness, it's so great. 0:03:29.600 --> 0:03:31.880 It's such an amazing process to be a part of. 0:03:32.560 --> 0:03:36.720 And yeah, going on fourteen seasons of really hoping to 0:03:36.760 --> 0:03:40.600 find stranger spouses that will be forever spouses. Yeah, I 0:03:40.600 --> 0:03:44.080 mean fourteen seasons. My goodness, that's awesome. Congratulations on that. Like, 0:03:44.240 --> 0:03:47.080 do you feel that it does work out? Like you 0:03:47.120 --> 0:03:48.800 know how people say, oh, love it first sight, married 0:03:48.800 --> 0:03:51.000 at first sight? What do you really feel about it? 0:03:51.440 --> 0:03:54.600 I think it's incredible that any of our couples end 0:03:54.680 --> 0:03:58.520 up staying together for the long term, because it's already 0:03:58.600 --> 0:04:01.240 so hard when you pick the person yourself that you 0:04:01.640 --> 0:04:04.760 get to know them over months and years, But when 0:04:04.800 --> 0:04:07.840 there are other people who are looking at parts of 0:04:07.880 --> 0:04:10.440 you and trying to really sum up who you are 0:04:10.440 --> 0:04:14.240 as a whole in a relationship, I mean, that's kind 0:04:14.240 --> 0:04:16.159 of crazy. And so the fact that we have I 0:04:16.160 --> 0:04:21.800 think about twelve couples right now who are doing awesome together, happy, 0:04:22.200 --> 0:04:25.000 growing their families, getting out there and enjoying the world together. 0:04:25.080 --> 0:04:28.200 I just think it's incredible. I do too, especially if 0:04:28.440 --> 0:04:30.360 two people are on the same page and they're looking 0:04:30.360 --> 0:04:32.440 for the same exact thing, it's like, okay, yeah, like 0:04:32.520 --> 0:04:34.599 this is what it is, and we are open to 0:04:34.640 --> 0:04:36.800 this process. I think that it just that makes the 0:04:36.839 --> 0:04:41.560 biggest difference. And I got married once, and the thing 0:04:41.640 --> 0:04:43.320 is is that person I kind of knew was not 0:04:43.400 --> 0:04:45.120 on the same page, and it's so important to know, 0:04:45.240 --> 0:04:47.640 like from the beginning, in my opinion, like what are 0:04:47.640 --> 0:04:50.279 your future goals in a relationship? I think that makes 0:04:50.480 --> 0:04:53.800 the biggest difference. Yeah, well, we rely on our participants, 0:04:54.080 --> 0:04:56.719 especially when their when their applicants, because everybody has to 0:04:56.760 --> 0:04:58.400 apply to be on the show and go through the 0:04:58.400 --> 0:05:00.839 whole process to be married at first site and match. 0:05:01.839 --> 0:05:05.120 We really rely on them being open and honest and authentic. 0:05:05.760 --> 0:05:08.880 But remember who they are as single people and who 0:05:08.960 --> 0:05:12.120 they think they'll be as married people. Those are really 0:05:12.200 --> 0:05:15.400 different things most of the time. And then of course 0:05:15.440 --> 0:05:18.400 to have the pressure of this being such a public 0:05:18.480 --> 0:05:21.840 process and experiment to go through, it's there's a lot 0:05:21.880 --> 0:05:24.200 of X factors here, you know, and and sometimes there 0:05:24.240 --> 0:05:27.960 are actual ex boyfriends and girlfriends that factor into and 0:05:28.040 --> 0:05:32.400 that's in a whole other things. Yeah, exactly. Okay, so 0:05:32.400 --> 0:05:35.640 now we're talking about love and relationships. What do you 0:05:35.800 --> 0:05:38.960 feel about love languages? Do you really feel that those 0:05:39.000 --> 0:05:41.960 are important? You know, in a relationship to know like 0:05:42.040 --> 0:05:45.200 your love language and your partner's love language. Well, I 0:05:45.240 --> 0:05:48.320 believe that intimacy is made up of two parts, emotional 0:05:48.480 --> 0:05:53.240 and physical, and the emotional part of your intimacy is 0:05:53.360 --> 0:05:57.200 so so important, and knowing your love language and knowing 0:05:57.200 --> 0:06:00.360 your partner's love language is like the easy is the 0:06:00.480 --> 0:06:03.840 most straightforward way of making sure that your needs are 0:06:03.839 --> 0:06:06.640 being met emotionally, especially if you want to be with 0:06:06.680 --> 0:06:09.120 somebody forever, especially if you want to feel fulfilled and 0:06:09.160 --> 0:06:12.600 satisfied your relationship. Making sure that you know your love 0:06:12.680 --> 0:06:16.720 language is a really easy, easy, easy way to make 0:06:16.760 --> 0:06:20.359 sure that that happens. Yes, it's something that in this 0:06:20.600 --> 0:06:25.520 relationship and I'm in now, I'm definitely practicing like knowing, okay, 0:06:25.560 --> 0:06:28.440 what makes him happy, but also being vocal about what 0:06:28.560 --> 0:06:32.560 makes me happy and respecting each other's boundaries and things 0:06:32.560 --> 0:06:35.080 like that. So it's really helped me personally, something that 0:06:35.160 --> 0:06:37.159 I wish I would have done in my prior relationships. 0:06:37.200 --> 0:06:39.799 But again, all those prior relationships happen for a reason, 0:06:39.880 --> 0:06:42.960 and they help me prepare for today well exactly. And 0:06:43.000 --> 0:06:45.120 I think it's also important that you're making sure to 0:06:45.200 --> 0:06:48.799 let your partner know how you like them to speak 0:06:48.839 --> 0:06:51.080 your love language. You know, we both speak different we're 0:06:51.080 --> 0:06:54.760 both bilingual, and but everybody has a dialect. And whether 0:06:54.760 --> 0:06:58.040 you're from Colombia, you're from Mexico, you're from Puerto Rico, 0:06:58.160 --> 0:07:00.880 you're from wherever, you're gonna speak a little bit differently. 0:07:01.040 --> 0:07:04.120 And so if your partner doesn't understand that, you need 0:07:04.160 --> 0:07:06.400 to make sure that you're kind of their translator. What 0:07:06.480 --> 0:07:09.720 are the top ones for men and women? Men seem 0:07:09.800 --> 0:07:13.200 to say their love language is physical touch pretty often, right, 0:07:13.480 --> 0:07:15.720 and then women are like, for me, it's worth of affirmation. 0:07:15.880 --> 0:07:19.480 I need reassurance. Is that weirder? Yeah? So actually, with 0:07:19.560 --> 0:07:22.080 the five love languages, there really doesn't seem to be 0:07:22.280 --> 0:07:26.240 any sort of rhyme or reason as to who experiences what. 0:07:26.840 --> 0:07:28.800 I have found that with a lot of my clients 0:07:28.840 --> 0:07:32.400 and friends, they're all over the place. I think a 0:07:32.400 --> 0:07:36.640 lot of people, uh, do enjoy the bonding part, and 0:07:36.640 --> 0:07:39.320 and that's you know, the sorry I'm going into my 0:07:39.360 --> 0:07:42.560 foreign timacy styles, but I think a lot of people 0:07:42.680 --> 0:07:46.120 do really enjoy to have the words of affirmation. But 0:07:46.240 --> 0:07:49.520 some people really just feel warm all over when they 0:07:49.560 --> 0:07:53.120 receive gifts. Other people quality time. I hear quality time 0:07:53.200 --> 0:07:55.240 quite a bit, But I think that's just because we 0:07:55.280 --> 0:07:59.080 live in a society where our time is so dispersed, right, 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:02.239 like it's have to. We're juggling so many different hats. 0:08:02.360 --> 0:08:05.880 You know about that, I know, and so whenever we 0:08:05.920 --> 0:08:09.160 can give somebody quality time, they really feel special. But 0:08:09.240 --> 0:08:14.040 other than that, I think most people, both and all genders, 0:08:14.080 --> 0:08:19.400 really experience them in equal ways. What about red flags? 0:08:19.640 --> 0:08:22.560 What can you tell me about red flags? Yeah, well, 0:08:22.640 --> 0:08:26.720 I think definitely don't ignore any red flags. But also 0:08:27.040 --> 0:08:29.640 if you are truly committed to wanting to be with someone, 0:08:29.720 --> 0:08:32.280 just know that there are lots of things If if 0:08:32.320 --> 0:08:34.679 you have a lens that you're looking at love through 0:08:34.800 --> 0:08:38.760 or you're looking at relationships through, that are rose colored, right, 0:08:38.840 --> 0:08:41.800 I mean, and in this situation more like red colored, 0:08:41.920 --> 0:08:44.160 everything's going to stand out as a red flag. But 0:08:44.320 --> 0:08:46.600 I think the number one red flag that you should 0:08:46.640 --> 0:08:51.920 never ignore is lying and dishonesty. Yes, if someone is 0:08:52.040 --> 0:08:55.240 lying about the little things, they could lie about the 0:08:55.280 --> 0:08:57.960 big stuff. And if they're having to lie about anything, 0:08:58.320 --> 0:09:01.200 that means that they're not ready to be authentically in 0:09:01.679 --> 0:09:04.480 the relationship as themselves. And you don't want to be 0:09:04.600 --> 0:09:08.000 with somebody who's a representative of someone else. You want 0:09:08.000 --> 0:09:09.640 to be with that person because that's how you can 0:09:09.640 --> 0:09:12.600 grow together, that's how you can connect with them, that's 0:09:12.640 --> 0:09:15.640 how your emotional and your physical intimacy can grow and 0:09:15.640 --> 0:09:18.000 and go into something that's really strong and long term. 0:09:18.360 --> 0:09:20.960 But if they're lying about the little things, who weigh 0:09:21.040 --> 0:09:24.920 that red flag and get out of there? Oh my gosh, yes, guys, 0:09:25.040 --> 0:09:28.640 I'm telling you from personal experience. That's one thing that 0:09:28.679 --> 0:09:33.400 I'm just like, Uh, lying has really caused so much 0:09:33.920 --> 0:09:37.560 damage emotionally and mentally. And I'm telling you, once you 0:09:37.720 --> 0:09:41.640 just keep ignoring that, and once you keep excusing these things, 0:09:41.840 --> 0:09:44.600 whether it's a small white lie, quote unquote, a lie 0:09:44.679 --> 0:09:46.319 is a lie, guys. And I think that is so 0:09:46.440 --> 0:09:48.760 important to just be brutally honest with your partner and 0:09:48.760 --> 0:09:50.199 just say, hey, yeah, I kind of messed up for 0:09:50.800 --> 0:09:52.720 you know. It just makes things so much easier for me. 0:09:52.760 --> 0:09:54.600 It's like, now, I'm like, I'd rather you tell me 0:09:54.679 --> 0:09:56.320 the truth, even if it's harsh and it's hard for 0:09:56.360 --> 0:09:58.880 me to hear versus me finding out later that you 0:09:58.920 --> 0:10:01.600 weren't being honest because that happened in my past relationship. 0:10:01.640 --> 0:10:03.960 But there were so many lies. It started causing me 0:10:04.040 --> 0:10:07.400 to be very insecure and see things that weren't there 0:10:07.520 --> 0:10:12.880 because there were so many ridiculous lies in reality. I mean, 0:10:12.880 --> 0:10:14.920 they're like, they're dumb, Like why weren't you just straight 0:10:14.920 --> 0:10:16.920 out about it? You know what I mean. I'd rather 0:10:17.000 --> 0:10:20.800 you be honest with me about anything and everything, versus 0:10:20.880 --> 0:10:22.400 lying to me just because you're like, oh, I'm just 0:10:22.400 --> 0:10:23.920 gonna cover it's not a big deal. No, it's a 0:10:23.920 --> 0:10:26.599 big deal, guys, it's a big deal. Well, and a 0:10:26.679 --> 0:10:31.600 lot of people have justifications for why they lie, but ultimately, 0:10:32.000 --> 0:10:34.320 if somebody is lying to you, they are not giving 0:10:34.320 --> 0:10:37.680 you the chance to get to know them. They're not 0:10:38.160 --> 0:10:40.560 and and vice versa. If you tend to lie to 0:10:40.640 --> 0:10:44.160 try to impress someone, or because it's just easier than 0:10:44.200 --> 0:10:46.920 going into the minutia of having to work things out, 0:10:47.000 --> 0:10:48.920 or maybe you know what's going to upset your partner 0:10:49.480 --> 0:10:52.600 or your hopeful partner in the future, I feel like 0:10:52.840 --> 0:10:55.719 those are not good enough reasons because you are basically 0:10:55.760 --> 0:10:59.760 cutting off that person's ability to get to know you 0:11:00.160 --> 0:11:01.920 and for you to get to know who they really are. 0:11:02.280 --> 0:11:06.240 So you're just delaying the inevitable. It's not going to 0:11:06.360 --> 0:11:09.320 work out because you're not going to know each other. Yeah, 0:11:09.360 --> 0:11:11.000 so it's just better to just be hey, let it 0:11:11.040 --> 0:11:13.200 all hang out, guys, this is what it is. It's 0:11:13.240 --> 0:11:25.719 better before we move on to your book, because I 0:11:25.720 --> 0:11:27.880 have a lot of questions about your book. I wanted 0:11:27.920 --> 0:11:31.360 to ask about sex. I'm very I'm want to be 0:11:31.480 --> 0:11:36.960 very open about everything, so I so I like she's 0:11:36.960 --> 0:11:41.559 the perfect person to ask. So how important is sex 0:11:41.600 --> 0:11:44.960 in a relationship? Like being sexually attracted to your partner. 0:11:45.600 --> 0:11:48.480 So when sex is going great in a relationship, people 0:11:48.840 --> 0:11:52.080 barely even think about it. They probably say that it 0:11:52.080 --> 0:11:54.920 accounts for ten percent of the satisfaction that they feel 0:11:54.920 --> 0:11:58.319 within the relationship. But when it's not going well, people 0:11:58.360 --> 0:12:02.559 will report that it accounts for seventy of the dissatisfaction 0:12:02.600 --> 0:12:05.480 in their relationship. So when it's going well, it's going great, 0:12:05.520 --> 0:12:09.960 and when it's not going well, it's going terribly. Yeah. Okay, 0:12:10.040 --> 0:12:13.080 So do you think that what's like the number of 0:12:13.080 --> 0:12:16.080 times a week that you think is healthy? You know, 0:12:16.200 --> 0:12:18.320 like one twice a week. And I think it's different 0:12:18.320 --> 0:12:21.080 for everyone, but like for women, I feel like I 0:12:21.080 --> 0:12:23.040 don't know. I'll let you answer. You tell me what, 0:12:23.240 --> 0:12:27.800 tell me, tell me what you think come on, let's 0:12:27.840 --> 0:12:31.720 talk about what you okay, is healthy and typical. Okay, 0:12:31.800 --> 0:12:35.640 So I personally feel that if you're having sex every 0:12:35.679 --> 0:12:40.080 single day, I feel like you don't have time for intimacy. 0:12:40.160 --> 0:12:43.400 Like my type of intimacy is lay with me and 0:12:43.480 --> 0:12:45.319 hug me and hold me, you know what I mean. 0:12:45.360 --> 0:12:47.640 Like that's what I really enjoy. And it's like, well, 0:12:47.640 --> 0:12:49.400 maybe we have one or two days like that and 0:12:49.440 --> 0:12:51.280 then we just bang it out, you know, the third 0:12:51.360 --> 0:12:53.560 day and then maybe on the weekend. So I feel 0:12:53.600 --> 0:12:55.360 like it's healthy two or three times a week. I 0:12:55.640 --> 0:12:57.320 don't know. I don't know if that's a little bit 0:12:57.360 --> 0:13:00.040 or a lot, but I do. As for me, I 0:13:00.280 --> 0:13:03.520 need you to simulate my mind. You stimulate other parts 0:13:03.520 --> 0:13:05.240 of my body, but like I need you to stimulate 0:13:05.320 --> 0:13:06.880 my mind and asked me how my day was, and 0:13:07.200 --> 0:13:09.600 rub my head and watch Married at First Sight with me, 0:13:09.720 --> 0:13:12.599 you know that stuff that makes me happy? Well that 0:13:12.760 --> 0:13:15.800 and you and a lot of people feel that same way. 0:13:15.840 --> 0:13:17.719 And actually that does kind of go into the for 0:13:17.920 --> 0:13:22.280 intimacy styles because what you're describing wanting to have a 0:13:22.320 --> 0:13:25.920 lot of that bonding that happens, that that feeling like 0:13:26.040 --> 0:13:29.920 you're emotionally connecting through the sexual side and through the 0:13:29.960 --> 0:13:32.560 central part. And then you also said, but then there 0:13:32.600 --> 0:13:34.319 are other times where it's like, let's just bang it out. 0:13:34.400 --> 0:13:35.640 And I think a lot of that has to do 0:13:35.679 --> 0:13:38.960 with just that wanting to release, wanting to have that 0:13:39.160 --> 0:13:42.560 you know, kind of that orgasm or ejaculation, or just 0:13:42.640 --> 0:13:45.960 feeling like your body is the tension is releasing, and 0:13:46.000 --> 0:13:49.160 that's more of the release style and the reason that 0:13:49.280 --> 0:13:51.679 I think it's so important for people to round out 0:13:51.720 --> 0:13:55.320 their intimacy style and experience all four of the intimacy 0:13:55.360 --> 0:14:01.880 styles within every single sexual experience. So we've got were least, bonding, responsive, 0:14:02.320 --> 0:14:05.679 and giving. If you can experience a little bit of 0:14:05.720 --> 0:14:08.600 each one at every time, then it doesn't matter if 0:14:08.600 --> 0:14:11.560 you're having sex once a week or five times a week. 0:14:12.080 --> 0:14:14.120 You're you know you're getting what you need and you 0:14:14.160 --> 0:14:16.880 know your partners getting what they need. So as a 0:14:16.920 --> 0:14:21.800 sex therapist, I tend to really recommend that people experience 0:14:21.880 --> 0:14:25.400 some sort of sexual or sensual activity at least twice 0:14:25.400 --> 0:14:27.840 a week. And the reason for that is, you know, 0:14:28.240 --> 0:14:31.240 there are so many different parts of us that we 0:14:31.320 --> 0:14:34.240 have to share with other people. But if at least 0:14:34.240 --> 0:14:36.240 twice a week. You're connecting with your partner in a 0:14:36.280 --> 0:14:38.600 way that you don't do that with anyone else. I 0:14:38.640 --> 0:14:42.480 think it will continue that connection and it will remind 0:14:42.560 --> 0:14:45.960 you that what's important is that two of you are 0:14:46.000 --> 0:14:48.600 together and connected and then you can conquer the world. 0:14:49.880 --> 0:14:51.760 But I do so I think twice a week is 0:14:51.800 --> 0:14:55.040 pretty good. But remember it doesn't have to always be intercourse. 0:14:55.240 --> 0:14:57.240 There are lots of fun things that people can do 0:14:57.280 --> 0:15:01.360 sexually to really enhance that physical connect Nice. Okay, so 0:15:01.360 --> 0:15:04.400 we're good. Oh my goodness, yes, yes, Dr Rianna said it. 0:15:04.440 --> 0:15:09.280 We are good. Yes, you gotta start. Yeah, because if 0:15:09.320 --> 0:15:11.280 if my boyfriend probably want to do it every single day, 0:15:11.280 --> 0:15:13.000 and I'm like, dude, relax, like you know what I mean. 0:15:13.040 --> 0:15:15.200 I'm like, anyways, I'm not gonna you know, well, And 0:15:15.240 --> 0:15:18.000 I think for a lot of men um the American 0:15:18.000 --> 0:15:21.640 Medical Association recommends that men have three to four ejaculations 0:15:21.640 --> 0:15:24.160 a week for their prostate health, and that does not 0:15:24.320 --> 0:15:27.480 mean that it has to happen through intercourse. So you 0:15:27.480 --> 0:15:29.440 can tell him like, I'll help you out a little bit, 0:15:29.720 --> 0:15:32.280 but you gotta take care of yourself. I know what 0:15:32.360 --> 0:15:35.240 you mean. Oral sex that helps and and your hands guys, 0:15:37.800 --> 0:15:39.440 as long as you're helping your mind. I'm telling you, 0:15:39.600 --> 0:15:41.240 this is what I love about the podcast. I could 0:15:41.240 --> 0:15:43.240 just say and talk about anything and everything. And I'm 0:15:43.280 --> 0:15:45.480 so happy that I'm talking to you because I'm the 0:15:45.520 --> 0:15:47.880 type of woman that I really have all these questions. 0:15:47.880 --> 0:15:49.080 I'm like, I don't care. I'm gonna put it all 0:15:49.080 --> 0:15:52.200 out there. I just so I can help others. Now, 0:15:52.600 --> 0:15:54.760 I do want to get into your book, your new 0:15:54.800 --> 0:15:58.120 book before Intimacy Styles. Okay, so tell us. I know 0:15:58.160 --> 0:16:00.160 you we talked about it a little bit, but can 0:16:00.200 --> 0:16:02.320 you please tell me a little bit about it. Sure. 0:16:02.360 --> 0:16:08.000 So the four intimacy styles are um, they are released, giving, bonding, 0:16:08.160 --> 0:16:13.000 and responsive. And the point of knowing what your intimacy 0:16:13.040 --> 0:16:15.200 style is is you go online. You can take a 0:16:15.280 --> 0:16:17.120 quiz or it's in the book, and it will tell 0:16:17.160 --> 0:16:20.520 you what percentage of each of the four you tend 0:16:20.560 --> 0:16:24.520 to experience at any given sexual experience. So the goal 0:16:24.720 --> 0:16:28.640 is to get to each that's going to ensure that 0:16:28.760 --> 0:16:31.600 every single sexual experience that you have with your partner 0:16:32.440 --> 0:16:37.080 is going to really satisfy and fulfill your intimate connection 0:16:37.120 --> 0:16:39.920 in that way. Now a lot of people are taking 0:16:39.920 --> 0:16:42.880 this quiz and finding out that they're very lopsided, that 0:16:42.960 --> 0:16:45.880 they're hardly one and a whole lot of the others. 0:16:46.320 --> 0:16:49.680 And it's not that that's wrong, but it's not optimal 0:16:49.760 --> 0:16:54.040 for you to stay satisfied in the long term. But 0:16:54.120 --> 0:16:56.080 the reason I wrote this book, I'll be very honest 0:16:56.120 --> 0:16:59.160 with you, is because I have so many clients who 0:16:59.200 --> 0:17:02.560 come to me because they're feeling disconnected sexually and they're 0:17:02.600 --> 0:17:05.440 either on the brink of divorce, on the brink of cheating, 0:17:06.080 --> 0:17:09.080 totally disconnected, feel like roommates to hear that all the 0:17:09.119 --> 0:17:12.680 time and just don't have that connection between each other. 0:17:13.040 --> 0:17:15.080 And I wanted to figure out a way to help 0:17:15.119 --> 0:17:18.639 them avoid that because so many people want to get married, 0:17:18.680 --> 0:17:21.080 so many people want to think of forever. But when 0:17:21.119 --> 0:17:25.840 the physical connection is gone or doesn't ever really get 0:17:25.840 --> 0:17:29.640 off the ground, then the long term viability of that relationship, 0:17:29.680 --> 0:17:33.280 whether they're married or not, goes way down. Yeah. Oh 0:17:33.320 --> 0:17:35.479 my goodness. See, And I think that this is important. 0:17:35.480 --> 0:17:37.359 I'm for sure going to take the quiz and I'm 0:17:37.359 --> 0:17:39.360 going to have my boyfriend do it too. I think 0:17:39.400 --> 0:17:43.440 just because we are, you know, evolving creatures, and we're 0:17:43.520 --> 0:17:46.280 changing all the time, and especially if you've been married 0:17:46.359 --> 0:17:49.040 for many years or with someone for many years, you 0:17:49.080 --> 0:17:51.159 know you're bound to change. So I think it's always 0:17:51.160 --> 0:17:53.119 good to learn about your partner and learn how you 0:17:53.119 --> 0:17:55.399 can better your relationship, and I think this is a 0:17:55.520 --> 0:17:58.240 great way to do so. And even at the beginning 0:17:58.280 --> 0:18:02.000 of a relationship, Chise like, even at the beginning, it's 0:18:02.000 --> 0:18:07.200 important to know where you are because over time you're 0:18:07.280 --> 0:18:11.160 going to need to transform into having that rounded out 0:18:11.200 --> 0:18:15.400 intimacy style where there's of each in order to keep 0:18:15.480 --> 0:18:18.280 up with your partner's needs as they change a decade 0:18:18.280 --> 0:18:20.480 down the road, twenty years down the road. I mean, 0:18:20.600 --> 0:18:22.760 if we're lucky, we get to do all that. But 0:18:22.800 --> 0:18:24.879 a lot of people don't put in that work to 0:18:25.000 --> 0:18:27.720 figure it out now, so then it slaps them over 0:18:27.760 --> 0:18:30.239 the head, you know, much later on, and then they 0:18:30.320 --> 0:18:34.400 find themselves totally disconnected and really wanted to go elsewhere. 0:18:34.840 --> 0:18:37.679 For sure. Well, because in my mind, I'm thinking, like 0:18:38.080 --> 0:18:40.040 you know, before we moved on to the subject, we 0:18:40.040 --> 0:18:44.200 were saying other ways to stimulate our sexual needs without penetration, 0:18:44.320 --> 0:18:46.680 I guess, or whatever you want to call it. So 0:18:46.720 --> 0:18:50.440 what are those things Dr Briana that you recommend that 0:18:50.480 --> 0:18:54.000 we do with our partners. That isn't necessarily intercourse. Yeah, Well, 0:18:54.040 --> 0:18:58.600 if you're looking for bonding before and after and during 0:18:58.600 --> 0:19:01.720 a sexual experience, this is where you get to talk 0:19:02.080 --> 0:19:04.920 about what it is that y'all are doing and how 0:19:04.960 --> 0:19:08.199 it affects you, how it makes you feel, how it 0:19:08.240 --> 0:19:12.000 makes your partner feel. Really wanting to make the most 0:19:12.040 --> 0:19:15.480 out of that experience sometimes takes talking about it. And 0:19:15.520 --> 0:19:18.159 I'm not talking about like, oh, move here, do this, 0:19:18.440 --> 0:19:21.639 pull my lege, here, pull my hair. I don't. I 0:19:21.640 --> 0:19:24.199 don't mean with the mechanics of it, but how it 0:19:24.280 --> 0:19:27.879 makes you feel. So many people don't ever talk about 0:19:27.960 --> 0:19:31.720 the feelings that they have about their partner um and 0:19:31.760 --> 0:19:34.439 they they may be feeling that after glow, but they 0:19:34.480 --> 0:19:37.440 don't ever talk about it. It's like okay, high five 0:19:37.480 --> 0:19:42.199 and we're done, okay, which is which is fine sometimes, 0:19:42.280 --> 0:19:44.640 but when it's all the time and you don't really 0:19:44.680 --> 0:19:47.320 know what it is that you're getting out of or 0:19:47.359 --> 0:19:50.200 what your partners getting out of a sexual experience, then 0:19:50.200 --> 0:19:52.240 it's hard to really know if you're getting it right. 0:19:52.720 --> 0:19:54.560 So make sure that you're talking about how it makes 0:19:54.600 --> 0:19:57.240 you feel and how good you feel when you've done that, 0:19:57.400 --> 0:20:00.200 or when you're about to or even during it's okay. 0:20:00.359 --> 0:20:02.680 And then for people who are let's stay more responsive. 0:20:02.920 --> 0:20:06.919 So responsive people tend to take a back seat. They 0:20:06.960 --> 0:20:10.600 don't really and they don't really initiate sexuality. They tend 0:20:10.640 --> 0:20:14.119 to only think about it when their partner brings it up. Um. 0:20:14.160 --> 0:20:17.240 But then they want to in order to please their 0:20:17.280 --> 0:20:19.880 partner and or in order to connect in that way. 0:20:20.160 --> 0:20:21.960 But they just aren't going to be the ones who 0:20:22.000 --> 0:20:24.480 are the initiators. They're not. They're not like thinking about 0:20:24.520 --> 0:20:26.600 it all the time and like coming up with you know, 0:20:26.760 --> 0:20:29.760 role playing and fun things to do and researching the 0:20:29.800 --> 0:20:32.240 latest loubes. They're not, you know, they're just not doing it. 0:20:33.359 --> 0:20:35.960 They're game for it when their partner brings it up, 0:20:35.960 --> 0:20:38.760 but it's not something that kind of comes from within them. 0:20:38.920 --> 0:20:41.560 For those people, it's going to be important that they 0:20:41.600 --> 0:20:44.280 share with their partner that that's what's happening. It's not 0:20:44.320 --> 0:20:46.960 that they don't want to, it's not that they don't 0:20:46.960 --> 0:20:50.000 care about it. It's just not something that comes naturally 0:20:50.520 --> 0:20:53.560 that's knocking inside, like, hey, let's have sex, let's have 0:20:53.600 --> 0:20:56.159 sext Some people have that and some people don't to 0:20:56.200 --> 0:20:59.040 a degree, So they're gonna need to either let their 0:20:59.080 --> 0:21:01.480 partner know, hey, I'm all for it. I'm just not 0:21:01.520 --> 0:21:03.760 going to be the one to initiate as often, or 0:21:04.160 --> 0:21:08.280 they need to get out of their shells, set an alarm, 0:21:08.320 --> 0:21:12.080 you know, Wednesday nights at eleven pm after married at 0:21:12.119 --> 0:21:16.080 first sight to do a little bit of initiation to 0:21:16.119 --> 0:21:18.960