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Speaker 1: I love Valentine's Day because, yes, some people think, oh,

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Speaker 1: it's Valentine's Day and it's about couples, and yes, it's

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Speaker 1: about couples, but it's also about friendships. Intimacy is made

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Speaker 1: up of two parts, emotional and physical, and the emotional

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Speaker 1: part of your intimacy is so so important. I think

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Speaker 1: the number one red flag that you should never ignore

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Speaker 1: is lying in dishonesty, sex on the first date. Good

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Speaker 1: idea or bad idea. Hello, guys, thank you so much

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Speaker 1: for joining me for another episode of cheek Ease and Chill.

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Speaker 1: I'm your host cheek Ease. Today is February fourteenth, which

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Speaker 1: means it's Valentine's Day, So Happy Valentine's Day to everyone.

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Speaker 1: Love is definitely in the air. I can feel it anyway.

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Speaker 1: We're dedicating today's episode to all things love and we

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Speaker 1: have the perfect guest for this, So get ready because

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Speaker 1: we're about to dive into another episode of cheek Ease

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Speaker 1: and Chill. Today's guest is Dr Vivienna Coles. You probably

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Speaker 1: know her from lifetimes Married at First Sight. She's a

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Speaker 1: license marriage and Family therapist and he certified sex therapist.

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Speaker 1: We have a lot of questions about that. She's also

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Speaker 1: the author of the new book The for Intimacy Styles,

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Speaker 1: The Key to Lasting Physical Intimacy. Dr Vivienna, thank you

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Speaker 1: so much for joining us. How are you? Oh, I'm

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Speaker 1: so excited to be here. I'm really really looking forward

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Speaker 1: to the fact that this is Valentine's Day and love

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Speaker 1: is on the brain and it's always on mine. So

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Speaker 1: here we go. Oh mine too, So before we dive

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Speaker 1: into you know many questions that I have, how does

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Speaker 1: Dr Vivienna celebrate Valentine's Day? Do you do anything special?

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm just I'm kind of nosy. So well, actually,

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Speaker 1: I have a lot going on this Valentine's Day. It's

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Speaker 1: pretty much my busiest time of year being a relationship

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Speaker 1: and sex therapist and an intimacy expert. That's when I'm

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Speaker 1: working a lot. But I'm also really trying to spend

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Speaker 1: some time with my husband and of course sharing the

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Speaker 1: love with the kiddos as well. I tend to do

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Speaker 1: a little trip, a romantic getaway, and this year is

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Speaker 1: no different. Nice. I love that, you know what. I

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Speaker 1: love Valentine's Day because yes, some people think, oh it's

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Speaker 1: Valentine's day, and it's about couples. And yes, it's about couples,

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Speaker 1: but it's also about friendships. And even my mom was

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Speaker 1: one that made Valentine's Day so special for us. She

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Speaker 1: would make us baskets and write us cards and leave

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Speaker 1: them outside of our door and we would wake up

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Speaker 1: to it. So even if we didn't have a Valentine,

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Speaker 1: we had that. I'm very like, I'm kind of cliche

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Speaker 1: if you'd say whatever. I just I feel like we

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Speaker 1: should love every single day, but to day is the day.

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Speaker 1: So make sure that you tell everyone you love that

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Speaker 1: you love them absolutely. And it's not just about that

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Speaker 1: room antick love just about love in general. And of course,

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Speaker 1: like you said, every day should be about love, but

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Speaker 1: this one is the time where you can be really

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Speaker 1: cheesy and bold about it. There you go, That's what

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Speaker 1: I meant, see perfect. This is why I'm talking to

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Speaker 1: you today because everything I want to say is like

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Speaker 1: you can say about her. So okay, So for those

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Speaker 1: of you that haven't watched Married at First Sight, I

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Speaker 1: want to ask you Dr Brianna, how has it been

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Speaker 1: you guys are going on how many seasons? Now? We

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Speaker 1: are on season fourteen? Oh my goodness, it's so great.

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Speaker 1: It's such an amazing process to be a part of.

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Speaker 1: And yeah, going on fourteen seasons of really hoping to

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Speaker 1: find stranger spouses that will be forever spouses. Yeah, I

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Speaker 1: mean fourteen seasons. My goodness, that's awesome. Congratulations on that. Like,

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Speaker 1: do you feel that it does work out? Like you

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Speaker 1: know how people say, oh, love it first sight, married

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Speaker 1: at first sight? What do you really feel about it?

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Speaker 1: I think it's incredible that any of our couples end

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Speaker 1: up staying together for the long term, because it's already

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Speaker 1: so hard when you pick the person yourself that you

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Speaker 1: get to know them over months and years, But when

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Speaker 1: there are other people who are looking at parts of

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Speaker 1: you and trying to really sum up who you are

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Speaker 1: as a whole in a relationship, I mean, that's kind

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Speaker 1: of crazy. And so the fact that we have I

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Speaker 1: think about twelve couples right now who are doing awesome together, happy,

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Speaker 1: growing their families, getting out there and enjoying the world together.

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Speaker 1: I just think it's incredible. I do too, especially if

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Speaker 1: two people are on the same page and they're looking

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Speaker 1: for the same exact thing, it's like, okay, yeah, like

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Speaker 1: this is what it is, and we are open to

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Speaker 1: this process. I think that it just that makes the

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Speaker 1: biggest difference. And I got married once, and the thing

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Speaker 1: is is that person I kind of knew was not

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Speaker 1: on the same page, and it's so important to know,

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Speaker 1: like from the beginning, in my opinion, like what are

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Speaker 1: your future goals in a relationship? I think that makes

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Speaker 1: the biggest difference. Yeah, well, we rely on our participants,

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Speaker 1: especially when their when their applicants, because everybody has to

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Speaker 1: apply to be on the show and go through the

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Speaker 1: whole process to be married at first site and match.

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Speaker 1: We really rely on them being open and honest and authentic.

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Speaker 1: But remember who they are as single people and who

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Speaker 1: they think they'll be as married people. Those are really

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Speaker 1: different things most of the time. And then of course

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Speaker 1: to have the pressure of this being such a public

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Speaker 1: process and experiment to go through, it's there's a lot

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Speaker 1: of X factors here, you know, and and sometimes there

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Speaker 1: are actual ex boyfriends and girlfriends that factor into and

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Speaker 1: that's in a whole other things. Yeah, exactly. Okay, so

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Speaker 1: now we're talking about love and relationships. What do you

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Speaker 1: feel about love languages? Do you really feel that those

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Speaker 1: are important? You know, in a relationship to know like

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Speaker 1: your love language and your partner's love language. Well, I

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Speaker 1: believe that intimacy is made up of two parts, emotional

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Speaker 1: and physical, and the emotional part of your intimacy is

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Speaker 1: so so important, and knowing your love language and knowing

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Speaker 1: your partner's love language is like the easy is the

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Speaker 1: most straightforward way of making sure that your needs are

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Speaker 1: being met emotionally, especially if you want to be with

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Speaker 1: somebody forever, especially if you want to feel fulfilled and

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Speaker 1: satisfied your relationship. Making sure that you know your love

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Speaker 1: language is a really easy, easy, easy way to make

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Speaker 1: sure that that happens. Yes, it's something that in this

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Speaker 1: relationship and I'm in now, I'm definitely practicing like knowing, okay,

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Speaker 1: what makes him happy, but also being vocal about what

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Speaker 1: makes me happy and respecting each other's boundaries and things

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Speaker 1: like that. So it's really helped me personally, something that

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Speaker 1: I wish I would have done in my prior relationships.

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Speaker 1: But again, all those prior relationships happen for a reason,

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Speaker 1: and they help me prepare for today well exactly. And

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Speaker 1: I think it's also important that you're making sure to

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Speaker 1: let your partner know how you like them to speak

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Speaker 1: your love language. You know, we both speak different we're

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Speaker 1: both bilingual, and but everybody has a dialect. And whether

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Speaker 1: you're from Colombia, you're from Mexico, you're from Puerto Rico,

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Speaker 1: you're from wherever, you're gonna speak a little bit differently.

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Speaker 1: And so if your partner doesn't understand that, you need

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Speaker 1: to make sure that you're kind of their translator. What

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Speaker 1: are the top ones for men and women? Men seem

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Speaker 1: to say their love language is physical touch pretty often, right,

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Speaker 1: and then women are like, for me, it's worth of affirmation.

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Speaker 1: I need reassurance. Is that weirder? Yeah? So actually, with

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Speaker 1: the five love languages, there really doesn't seem to be

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Speaker 1: any sort of rhyme or reason as to who experiences what.

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Speaker 1: I have found that with a lot of my clients

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Speaker 1: and friends, they're all over the place. I think a

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Speaker 1: lot of people, uh, do enjoy the bonding part, and

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Speaker 1: and that's you know, the sorry I'm going into my

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Speaker 1: foreign timacy styles, but I think a lot of people

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Speaker 1: do really enjoy to have the words of affirmation. But

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Speaker 1: some people really just feel warm all over when they

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Speaker 1: receive gifts. Other people quality time. I hear quality time

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Speaker 1: quite a bit, But I think that's just because we

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Speaker 1: live in a society where our time is so dispersed, right,

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Speaker 1: like it's have to. We're juggling so many different hats.

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Speaker 1: You know about that, I know, and so whenever we

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Speaker 1: can give somebody quality time, they really feel special. But

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Speaker 1: other than that, I think most people, both and all genders,

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Speaker 1: really experience them in equal ways. What about red flags?

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Speaker 1: What can you tell me about red flags? Yeah, well,

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Speaker 1: I think definitely don't ignore any red flags. But also

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Speaker 1: if you are truly committed to wanting to be with someone,

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Speaker 1: just know that there are lots of things If if

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Speaker 1: you have a lens that you're looking at love through

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Speaker 1: or you're looking at relationships through, that are rose colored, right,

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Speaker 1: I mean, and in this situation more like red colored,

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Speaker 1: everything's going to stand out as a red flag. But

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Speaker 1: I think the number one red flag that you should

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Speaker 1: never ignore is lying and dishonesty. Yes, if someone is

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Speaker 1: lying about the little things, they could lie about the

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Speaker 1: big stuff. And if they're having to lie about anything,

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Speaker 1: that means that they're not ready to be authentically in

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Speaker 1: the relationship as themselves. And you don't want to be

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Speaker 1: with somebody who's a representative of someone else. You want

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Speaker 1: to be with that person because that's how you can

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Speaker 1: grow together, that's how you can connect with them, that's

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Speaker 1: how your emotional and your physical intimacy can grow and

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Speaker 1: and go into something that's really strong and long term.

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Speaker 1: But if they're lying about the little things, who weigh

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Speaker 1: that red flag and get out of there? Oh my gosh, yes, guys,

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Speaker 1: I'm telling you from personal experience. That's one thing that

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Speaker 1: I'm just like, Uh, lying has really caused so much

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Speaker 1: damage emotionally and mentally. And I'm telling you, once you

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Speaker 1: just keep ignoring that, and once you keep excusing these things,

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Speaker 1: whether it's a small white lie, quote unquote, a lie

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Speaker 1: is a lie, guys. And I think that is so

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Speaker 1: important to just be brutally honest with your partner and

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Speaker 1: just say, hey, yeah, I kind of messed up for

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Speaker 1: you know. It just makes things so much easier for me.

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Speaker 1: It's like, now, I'm like, I'd rather you tell me

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Speaker 1: the truth, even if it's harsh and it's hard for

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Speaker 1: me to hear versus me finding out later that you

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Speaker 1: weren't being honest because that happened in my past relationship.

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Speaker 1: But there were so many lies. It started causing me

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Speaker 1: to be very insecure and see things that weren't there

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Speaker 1: because there were so many ridiculous lies in reality. I mean,

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Speaker 1: they're like, they're dumb, Like why weren't you just straight

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Speaker 1: out about it? You know what I mean. I'd rather

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Speaker 1: you be honest with me about anything and everything, versus

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Speaker 1: lying to me just because you're like, oh, I'm just

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Speaker 1: gonna cover it's not a big deal. No, it's a

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Speaker 1: big deal, guys, it's a big deal. Well, and a

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Speaker 1: lot of people have justifications for why they lie, but ultimately,

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Speaker 1: if somebody is lying to you, they are not giving

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Speaker 1: you the chance to get to know them. They're not

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Speaker 1: and and vice versa. If you tend to lie to

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Speaker 1: try to impress someone, or because it's just easier than

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Speaker 1: going into the minutia of having to work things out,

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Speaker 1: or maybe you know what's going to upset your partner

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Speaker 1: or your hopeful partner in the future, I feel like

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Speaker 1: those are not good enough reasons because you are basically

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Speaker 1: cutting off that person's ability to get to know you

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Speaker 1: and for you to get to know who they really are.

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Speaker 1: So you're just delaying the inevitable. It's not going to

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Speaker 1: work out because you're not going to know each other. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so it's just better to just be hey, let it

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Speaker 1: all hang out, guys, this is what it is. It's

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Speaker 1: better before we move on to your book, because I

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Speaker 1: have a lot of questions about your book. I wanted

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Speaker 1: to ask about sex. I'm very I'm want to be

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Speaker 1: very open about everything, so I so I like she's

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Speaker 1: the perfect person to ask. So how important is sex

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Speaker 1: in a relationship? Like being sexually attracted to your partner.

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Speaker 1: So when sex is going great in a relationship, people

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Speaker 1: barely even think about it. They probably say that it

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Speaker 1: accounts for ten percent of the satisfaction that they feel

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Speaker 1: within the relationship. But when it's not going well, people

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Speaker 1: will report that it accounts for seventy of the dissatisfaction

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Speaker 1: in their relationship. So when it's going well, it's going great,

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Speaker 1: and when it's not going well, it's going terribly. Yeah. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So do you think that what's like the number of

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Speaker 1: times a week that you think is healthy? You know,

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Speaker 1: like one twice a week. And I think it's different

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Speaker 1: for everyone, but like for women, I feel like I

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Speaker 1: don't know. I'll let you answer. You tell me what,

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Speaker 1: tell me, tell me what you think come on, let's

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Speaker 1: talk about what you okay, is healthy and typical. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So I personally feel that if you're having sex every

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Speaker 1: single day, I feel like you don't have time for intimacy.

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Speaker 1: Like my type of intimacy is lay with me and

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Speaker 1: hug me and hold me, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 1: Like that's what I really enjoy. And it's like, well,

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Speaker 1: maybe we have one or two days like that and

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Speaker 1: then we just bang it out, you know, the third

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Speaker 1: day and then maybe on the weekend. So I feel

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Speaker 1: like it's healthy two or three times a week. I

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Speaker 1: don't know. I don't know if that's a little bit

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Speaker 1: or a lot, but I do. As for me, I

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Speaker 1: need you to simulate my mind. You stimulate other parts

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Speaker 1: of my body, but like I need you to stimulate

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Speaker 1: my mind and asked me how my day was, and

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Speaker 1: rub my head and watch Married at First Sight with me,

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Speaker 1: you know that stuff that makes me happy? Well that

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Speaker 1: and you and a lot of people feel that same way.

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Speaker 1: And actually that does kind of go into the for

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Speaker 1: intimacy styles because what you're describing wanting to have a

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Speaker 1: lot of that bonding that happens, that that feeling like

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Speaker 1: you're emotionally connecting through the sexual side and through the

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Speaker 1: central part. And then you also said, but then there

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Speaker 1: are other times where it's like, let's just bang it out.

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Speaker 1: And I think a lot of that has to do

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Speaker 1: with just that wanting to release, wanting to have that

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Speaker 1: you know, kind of that orgasm or ejaculation, or just

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Speaker 1: feeling like your body is the tension is releasing, and

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Speaker 1: that's more of the release style and the reason that

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Speaker 1: I think it's so important for people to round out

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Speaker 1: their intimacy style and experience all four of the intimacy

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Speaker 1: styles within every single sexual experience. So we've got were least, bonding, responsive,

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Speaker 1: and giving. If you can experience a little bit of

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Speaker 1: each one at every time, then it doesn't matter if

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Speaker 1: you're having sex once a week or five times a week.

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Speaker 1: You're you know you're getting what you need and you

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Speaker 1: know your partners getting what they need. So as a

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Speaker 1: sex therapist, I tend to really recommend that people experience

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Speaker 1: some sort of sexual or sensual activity at least twice

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Speaker 1: a week. And the reason for that is, you know,

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Speaker 1: there are so many different parts of us that we

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Speaker 1: have to share with other people. But if at least

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Speaker 1: twice a week. You're connecting with your partner in a

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Speaker 1: way that you don't do that with anyone else. I

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Speaker 1: think it will continue that connection and it will remind

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Speaker 1: you that what's important is that two of you are

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Speaker 1: together and connected and then you can conquer the world.

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Speaker 1: But I do so I think twice a week is

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Speaker 1: pretty good. But remember it doesn't have to always be intercourse.

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Speaker 1: There are lots of fun things that people can do

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Speaker 1: sexually to really enhance that physical connect Nice. Okay, so

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Speaker 1: we're good. Oh my goodness, yes, yes, Dr Rianna said it.

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Speaker 1: We are good. Yes, you gotta start. Yeah, because if

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Speaker 1: if my boyfriend probably want to do it every single day,

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, dude, relax, like you know what I mean.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, anyways, I'm not gonna you know, well, And

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Speaker 1: I think for a lot of men um the American

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Speaker 1: Medical Association recommends that men have three to four ejaculations

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Speaker 1: a week for their prostate health, and that does not

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Speaker 1: mean that it has to happen through intercourse. So you

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Speaker 1: can tell him like, I'll help you out a little bit,

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Speaker 1: but you gotta take care of yourself. I know what

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Speaker 1: you mean. Oral sex that helps and and your hands guys,

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Speaker 1: as long as you're helping your mind. I'm telling you,

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Speaker 1: this is what I love about the podcast. I could

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Speaker 1: just say and talk about anything and everything. And I'm

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Speaker 1: so happy that I'm talking to you because I'm the

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Speaker 1: type of woman that I really have all these questions.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't care. I'm gonna put it all

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Speaker 1: out there. I just so I can help others. Now,

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Speaker 1: I do want to get into your book, your new

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Speaker 1: book before Intimacy Styles. Okay, so tell us. I know

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Speaker 1: you we talked about it a little bit, but can

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Speaker 1: you please tell me a little bit about it. Sure.

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Speaker 1: So the four intimacy styles are um, they are released, giving, bonding,

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Speaker 1: and responsive. And the point of knowing what your intimacy

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Speaker 1: style is is you go online. You can take a

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Speaker 1: quiz or it's in the book, and it will tell

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Speaker 1: you what percentage of each of the four you tend

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Speaker 1: to experience at any given sexual experience. So the goal

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Speaker 1: is to get to each that's going to ensure that

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Speaker 1: every single sexual experience that you have with your partner

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Speaker 1: is going to really satisfy and fulfill your intimate connection

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Speaker 1: in that way. Now a lot of people are taking

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Speaker 1: this quiz and finding out that they're very lopsided, that

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Speaker 1: they're hardly one and a whole lot of the others.

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Speaker 1: And it's not that that's wrong, but it's not optimal

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Speaker 1: for you to stay satisfied in the long term. But

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Speaker 1: the reason I wrote this book, I'll be very honest

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Speaker 1: with you, is because I have so many clients who

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Speaker 1: come to me because they're feeling disconnected sexually and they're

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Speaker 1: either on the brink of divorce, on the brink of cheating,

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Speaker 1: totally disconnected, feel like roommates to hear that all the

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Speaker 1: time and just don't have that connection between each other.

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Speaker 1: And I wanted to figure out a way to help

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Speaker 1: them avoid that because so many people want to get married,

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Speaker 1: so many people want to think of forever. But when

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Speaker 1: the physical connection is gone or doesn't ever really get

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Speaker 1: off the ground, then the long term viability of that relationship,

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Speaker 1: whether they're married or not, goes way down. Yeah. Oh

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Speaker 1: my goodness. See, And I think that this is important.

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Speaker 1: I'm for sure going to take the quiz and I'm

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Speaker 1: going to have my boyfriend do it too. I think

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Speaker 1: just because we are, you know, evolving creatures, and we're

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Speaker 1: changing all the time, and especially if you've been married

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Speaker 1: for many years or with someone for many years, you

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Speaker 1: know you're bound to change. So I think it's always

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Speaker 1: good to learn about your partner and learn how you

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Speaker 1: can better your relationship, and I think this is a

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Speaker 1: great way to do so. And even at the beginning

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Speaker 1: of a relationship, Chise like, even at the beginning, it's

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Speaker 1: important to know where you are because over time you're

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Speaker 1: going to need to transform into having that rounded out

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Speaker 1: intimacy style where there's of each in order to keep

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Speaker 1: up with your partner's needs as they change a decade

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Speaker 1: down the road, twenty years down the road. I mean,

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Speaker 1: if we're lucky, we get to do all that. But

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Speaker 1: a lot of people don't put in that work to

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Speaker 1: figure it out now, so then it slaps them over

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Speaker 1: the head, you know, much later on, and then they

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Speaker 1: find themselves totally disconnected and really wanted to go elsewhere.

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Speaker 1: For sure. Well, because in my mind, I'm thinking, like

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Speaker 1: you know, before we moved on to the subject, we

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Speaker 1: were saying other ways to stimulate our sexual needs without penetration,

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Speaker 1: I guess, or whatever you want to call it. So

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Speaker 1: what are those things Dr Briana that you recommend that

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Speaker 1: we do with our partners. That isn't necessarily intercourse. Yeah, Well,

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Speaker 1: if you're looking for bonding before and after and during

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Speaker 1: a sexual experience, this is where you get to talk

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Speaker 1: about what it is that y'all are doing and how

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Speaker 1: it affects you, how it makes you feel, how it

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Speaker 1: makes your partner feel. Really wanting to make the most

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Speaker 1: out of that experience sometimes takes talking about it. And

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Speaker 1: I'm not talking about like, oh, move here, do this,

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Speaker 1: pull my lege, here, pull my hair. I don't. I

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Speaker 1: don't mean with the mechanics of it, but how it

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Speaker 1: makes you feel. So many people don't ever talk about

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Speaker 1: the feelings that they have about their partner um and

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Speaker 1: they they may be feeling that after glow, but they

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Speaker 1: don't ever talk about it. It's like okay, high five

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Speaker 1: and we're done, okay, which is which is fine sometimes,

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Speaker 1: but when it's all the time and you don't really

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Speaker 1: know what it is that you're getting out of or

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Speaker 1: what your partners getting out of a sexual experience, then

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Speaker 1: it's hard to really know if you're getting it right.

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Speaker 1: So make sure that you're talking about how it makes

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Speaker 1: you feel and how good you feel when you've done that,

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Speaker 1: or when you're about to or even during it's okay.

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Speaker 1: And then for people who are let's stay more responsive.

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Speaker 1: So responsive people tend to take a back seat. They

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Speaker 1: don't really and they don't really initiate sexuality. They tend

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Speaker 1: to only think about it when their partner brings it up. Um.

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Speaker 1: But then they want to in order to please their

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Speaker 1: partner and or in order to connect in that way.

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Speaker 1: But they just aren't going to be the ones who

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Speaker 1: are the initiators. They're not. They're not like thinking about

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Speaker 1: it all the time and like coming up with you know,

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Speaker 1: role playing and fun things to do and researching the

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Speaker 1: latest loubes. They're not, you know, they're just not doing it.

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Speaker 1: They're game for it when their partner brings it up,

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Speaker 1: but it's not something that kind of comes from within them.

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Speaker 1: For those people, it's going to be important that they

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Speaker 1: share with their partner that that's what's happening. It's not

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Speaker 1: that they don't want to, it's not that they don't

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Speaker 1: care about it. It's just not something that comes naturally

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Speaker 1: that's knocking inside, like, hey, let's have sex, let's have

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Speaker 1: sext Some people have that and some people don't to

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Speaker 1: a degree, So they're gonna need to either let their

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Speaker 1: partner know, hey, I'm all for it. I'm just not

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Speaker 1: going to be the one to initiate as often, or

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Speaker 1: they need to get out of their shells, set an alarm,

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Speaker 1: you know, Wednesday nights at eleven pm after married at

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Speaker 1: first sight to do a little bit of initiation to

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Speaker 1: get out there. Yeah, because now that you bring that up,

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Speaker 1: I have to be honest, I'm not wanting to initiate.

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Speaker 1: And and that was just brought up to me, like

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Speaker 1: I'm I'm I'm the one to say, hey, well, if

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Speaker 1: you want it, let's do it. Like I'm not gonna

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Speaker 1: say no. I won't say no, but he did kind

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Speaker 1: of mention I want you to look for me a

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Speaker 1: little more. But I'm like, you're always looking for me,

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Speaker 1: so you don't give me the chance, which I'm fine with.

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Speaker 1: But it's like, I don't you know, I've nailed it, right, Okay,

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Speaker 1: It's so common. It is such a common thing that

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Speaker 1: comes up, and it's so misinterpreted, right because if he's

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Speaker 1: judging your desire for him based off of how many

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Speaker 1: times you initiate sexuality, then how much do you really

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Speaker 1: like him? Chicks from really, it doesn't seem like very much.

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Speaker 1: But if that's not the case, you have to talk

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Speaker 1: about it. And I think it's important. You're going to

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Speaker 1: be together for hopefully a really long time, you have

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Speaker 1: to divvy up the initiation responsibility. I think it's so

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Speaker 1: important that you learn how to A lot of women

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Speaker 1: are raised to let a guy chase them and to

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Speaker 1: be the ones who are pursued, and that's just quote

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Speaker 1: unquote how things work and how things are. But if

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Speaker 1: you're going to be with somebody for a really long

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Speaker 1: time and you're the only one that's saying you want

426
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:37,359
Speaker 1: to do something, or you're the only one that's holding

427
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,000
Speaker 1: the torch for your love life and your sex life,

428
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:43,440
Speaker 1: that gets old really fast. Think about all the other

429
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:47,480
Speaker 1: responsibilities that we wouldn't want to be solely obligated to

430
00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:50,320
Speaker 1: do and be responsible for. So I just think it's

431
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:52,320
Speaker 1: very important that you talk about it. And if you

432
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:56,520
Speaker 1: are uncomfortable with initiation, some women just feel really awkward

433
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:59,919
Speaker 1: doing it. They don't really know how um. They kind

434
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,520
Speaker 1: of feel a little bit like immature when that happens.

435
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:05,520
Speaker 1: Talk to your friends about it, talk to her. Relationship

436
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:08,280
Speaker 1: therapists like myself. We have lots of tips on how

437
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:10,320
Speaker 1: to do that in a more comfortable way. Okay, well

438
00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:13,879
Speaker 1: I'm gonna initiate tonight, all right. I got something sexy,

439
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:16,720
Speaker 1: so I was like, you know what, maybe if I'm

440
00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:19,400
Speaker 1: feeling sexy, I put something sexy on. Maybe I'll be like, okay, cool,

441
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:21,520
Speaker 1: because it's not like I don't get horny guys. I do.

442
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:24,080
Speaker 1: But I'm just I don't know, I don't, I don't know.

443
00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:26,080
Speaker 1: It's weird. I thought about it after he said, I'm like,

444
00:23:26,119 --> 00:23:28,280
Speaker 1: oh my goodness, I guess you're right. But it's because

445
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:31,199
Speaker 1: you're initiating. I'm like, alright, cool, like I'm down to

446
00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:32,919
Speaker 1: do it, like you know what I mean. But I

447
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:35,679
Speaker 1: guess a guy does also want to be you know,

448
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:39,840
Speaker 1: pursued and especially sexually. So absolutely, I'm doing it. I'm

449
00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:43,240
Speaker 1: doing it. I'm absolutely. So many men are feeling like

450
00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:46,160
Speaker 1: they are not wanted by their partners. And what happens

451
00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:49,199
Speaker 1: is if you're having sexual experiences when you feel like

452
00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:53,159
Speaker 1: your partner doesn't want you, that turns into a really weird,

453
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:58,400
Speaker 1: non consensual almost like he's doing something quote unquote to her,

454
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:01,920
Speaker 1: and that's not a good place for a good guy

455
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:04,640
Speaker 1: to be. Yeah. No, absolutely, thank god, I'm talking to you,

456
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:07,160
Speaker 1: So okay, good ladies. I don't know if you are

457
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:10,399
Speaker 1: listening and you also have this some quote unquote issue,

458
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:15,440
Speaker 1: but I recommend getting something sexy and just I think

459
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:17,320
Speaker 1: that's also a way of just be like, bam, I'm ready.

460
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:19,320
Speaker 1: You know. I think with that in itself is like

461
00:24:19,359 --> 00:24:23,600
Speaker 1: oh damn, she's, she's, she's. She wants it well, And

462
00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:26,520
Speaker 1: it can be something nonverbal. So you just said something

463
00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:29,600
Speaker 1: that's a nice little visual initiator. But you know, some

464
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,640
Speaker 1: people will have two different candles on their nightstands and

465
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:35,080
Speaker 1: if somebody is feeling like they're in the mood, they'll

466
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:37,320
Speaker 1: light their candle and if the other person lights theirs,

467
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:39,760
Speaker 1: and that's a sign. Other people will just flat out

468
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:42,399
Speaker 1: say like, hey, do you want to mess around? Um?

469
00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:45,320
Speaker 1: Other people will use even more colorful language. You know,

470
00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:48,720
Speaker 1: whatever floats your boat, that's fine. People will be like,

471
00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:52,159
Speaker 1: we got the kids to bed, let's go upstairs, you know, whatever,

472
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:55,119
Speaker 1: whatever it takes. But some people are more nonverbal and

473
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,600
Speaker 1: some people are more verbal, and I think you need

474
00:24:57,680 --> 00:24:59,399
Speaker 1: to just kind of try a little bit of everything.

475
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:02,720
Speaker 1: Just sure it happens. Yeah, for sure, put your hands somewhere,

476
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:07,400
Speaker 1: you know, you know, and and that will get started. Okay,

477
00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:10,280
Speaker 1: so um, I do have another question. I'm sorry, So,

478
00:25:10,359 --> 00:25:13,320
Speaker 1: what are other tips you have for achieving a long

479
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:17,560
Speaker 1: and happy relationship. I think a lot of couples start

480
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:21,080
Speaker 1: to assume that they know their partners. A lot of

481
00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:24,080
Speaker 1: people assume that they know how a conversation will go,

482
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:27,040
Speaker 1: and so then they start to break down the communication.

483
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:31,120
Speaker 1: I think over time, we have to communicate even more

484
00:25:31,359 --> 00:25:33,040
Speaker 1: than we do when we're trying to get to know

485
00:25:33,119 --> 00:25:36,440
Speaker 1: someone so that we can continue to grow together and

486
00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:40,080
Speaker 1: move through life together. If you're not communicating because you

487
00:25:40,119 --> 00:25:42,880
Speaker 1: think you know your partners so well, you can avoid

488
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:47,880
Speaker 1: the conversation altogether or avoid a potential argument altogether, again,

489
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:51,800
Speaker 1: you're not giving them or your relationship the opportunity to

490
00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:55,240
Speaker 1: grow together. And that's when people really tend to call

491
00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:59,280
Speaker 1: it quits, or worse, they don't call it quits and

492
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:03,800
Speaker 1: things just deteriorate so and it just gets so bad

493
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:06,240
Speaker 1: that they end up not wanting to be together, or

494
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:09,360
Speaker 1: one person ends up leaving or cheating. So I think

495
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:12,920
Speaker 1: it's just very very important to continue to communicate, even

496
00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:16,040
Speaker 1: when you think that you know exactly what your partner

497
00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:18,960
Speaker 1: would say or how they would react give them the

498
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:24,240
Speaker 1: opportunity to do that. Yes. Absolutely, communication is key and

499
00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:27,720
Speaker 1: that's something that I have learned throughout the years and

500
00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:29,439
Speaker 1: that I'm trying to do different in this relationship. And

501
00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:33,520
Speaker 1: also asking questions instead of assuming has really helped me out,

502
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:36,440
Speaker 1: like hey, did I misinterpret this or did you really

503
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:40,440
Speaker 1: mean this? That has helped me so much. So communication

504
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:44,280
Speaker 1: is so important. That's a huge one. This is something

505
00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:46,760
Speaker 1: that I teach my clients quite a bit, is when

506
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:49,560
Speaker 1: they're when they think that their partner has said something,

507
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:52,640
Speaker 1: or if they are hurt by something that their partner says.

508
00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:57,560
Speaker 1: Instead of responding to that simply asking, hey, it sounds

509
00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,680
Speaker 1: like you just said this. Is that what you meant,

510
00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:03,320
Speaker 1: even if you're a little upset when you're asking, it

511
00:27:03,359 --> 00:27:06,920
Speaker 1: gives them the opportunity to either double down and say, yes,

512
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,520
Speaker 1: that's what I meant and then you can respond to that,

513
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:12,640
Speaker 1: or it gives them an opportunity to say, oh my gosh, no,

514
00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:14,760
Speaker 1: like that's not what I meant at all. I'm sorry

515
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:16,600
Speaker 1: you heard it that way, this is what I meant.

516
00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:22,679
Speaker 1: So many arguments are caused by a miscommunication. Absolutely, and

517
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:25,240
Speaker 1: we're not perfect, So why would you assume that everything

518
00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:26,560
Speaker 1: that comes out of our mouths. It's going to be

519
00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:28,920
Speaker 1: so perfect. There are gonna be times when we say

520
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:32,119
Speaker 1: the wrong thing. It just happens. And would you want

521
00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:34,840
Speaker 1: world War three to, you know, break out in your

522
00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:39,400
Speaker 1: home because of a miscommunication. No, So always respond back with, hey,

523
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:41,320
Speaker 1: this is what I heard? Is that what you meant?

524
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:44,000
Speaker 1: And give them a chance? Oh my goodness. Yes. And

525
00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:46,520
Speaker 1: picky pick and choosing your battles is another one. Oh

526
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:47,959
Speaker 1: my gosh. I can sit here and talk to you

527
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:50,480
Speaker 1: all day and like you're you're confirming so many things

528
00:27:50,520 --> 00:28:01,600
Speaker 1: for me right now, I'm learning so much. Before you go.

529
00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:04,439
Speaker 1: I'd like us to do a quick Q and a

530
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:07,119
Speaker 1: great I'll be asking you a series of questions related

531
00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:09,840
Speaker 1: to dating, love, and sex, and you'll answer them. How

532
00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:12,359
Speaker 1: does that sound great? Let's do it here we go.

533
00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:15,840
Speaker 1: Sex on the first date? Good idea or bad idea?

534
00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:19,960
Speaker 1: Can it ruin your chances for a serious relationship? I

535
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,880
Speaker 1: think it's a good idea if you both have had

536
00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:25,600
Speaker 1: the talk about what it is that you're looking for.

537
00:28:26,119 --> 00:28:28,119
Speaker 1: If you just want to hook up with somebody on

538
00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:30,440
Speaker 1: the first date and the other person feels like they're

539
00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:33,320
Speaker 1: down for it too, totally fine. Now, if you're looking

540
00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:36,399
Speaker 1: for something more long term, you have to know for

541
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:41,760
Speaker 1: yourself that doing that isn't going to freak you out,

542
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:44,920
Speaker 1: scare you off. Or if you're also one of those

543
00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:49,680
Speaker 1: people who judges everything by the first impression, then probably

544
00:28:49,720 --> 00:28:51,280
Speaker 1: having sex on the first day is not going to

545
00:28:51,400 --> 00:28:54,560
Speaker 1: go well because there's so much growth that can happen

546
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:57,640
Speaker 1: in a long term relationship or even after three months

547
00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:00,360
Speaker 1: of having a sex with someone and you can really prove.

548
00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:04,120
Speaker 1: So if your first impressions mean everything, don't do it.

549
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:06,400
Speaker 1: But if it's something where you're like, oh, I'll try

550
00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:08,600
Speaker 1: anything and we'll be fine, we can work through it,

551
00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:10,880
Speaker 1: we can talk to it, go for it right as

552
00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:12,920
Speaker 1: long as you're that type of person where it's like okay,

553
00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:14,959
Speaker 1: because I know myself would probably be like, well does

554
00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:17,239
Speaker 1: he do this with every other girl? You know? So

555
00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:19,680
Speaker 1: it's like, if you're that type of person, maybe yeah,

556
00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:21,960
Speaker 1: it's not the right thing. I'm all about whatever tiles

557
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:24,320
Speaker 1: are pickle live and let live. But I was like,

558
00:29:24,360 --> 00:29:26,160
Speaker 1: I have to ask that question because so many people

559
00:29:26,320 --> 00:29:28,120
Speaker 1: are always like, Hey, should I kiss him on the

560
00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:29,960
Speaker 1: first day? Should I like him? Like, just let it flow,

561
00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:32,640
Speaker 1: You'll if you wouldn't want to be with somebody who

562
00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:35,560
Speaker 1: did that with someone else, then don't do it because

563
00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:40,680
Speaker 1: you're already basically sabotaging the relationship exactly. Okay, Should you

564
00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:44,680
Speaker 1: tell someone you're looking for marriage or a serious relationship

565
00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:47,240
Speaker 1: on the first date. I think it's important to be

566
00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:50,480
Speaker 1: open about that, um so that people understand what it

567
00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:53,800
Speaker 1: is that you're trying to accomplish. If you wouldn't want

568
00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:57,040
Speaker 1: to be friends with them, then don't tell them that

569
00:29:57,080 --> 00:29:59,440
Speaker 1: you would. Oh you know, let's let's get to know

570
00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:01,880
Speaker 1: each other and be come friends. For a lot of people,

571
00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:04,840
Speaker 1: they're very serious about I'm only going to spend time

572
00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:07,760
Speaker 1: with the opposite sex or with whoever it is that

573
00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:10,640
Speaker 1: you're attracted to if it's going to try to grow

574
00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:13,920
Speaker 1: into something, So be honest about that, or else you're

575
00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:16,640
Speaker 1: lying and remember going back to lying, don't do that

576
00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:19,000
Speaker 1: if you're If you're really wanting to be with somebody

577
00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:23,080
Speaker 1: and get getting to know them, it's okay to say that. Okay, perfect.

578
00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:26,080
Speaker 1: Should you tell your date you have kids on the

579
00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:30,840
Speaker 1: first date. Yes, I think it's important even before you

580
00:30:30,920 --> 00:30:33,360
Speaker 1: go on that first date that you share what your

581
00:30:33,400 --> 00:30:36,600
Speaker 1: situation is. Just like if you were still married, just

582
00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:39,880
Speaker 1: like if you're about to move across the country. These

583
00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:42,720
Speaker 1: are all things that for some people mean a whole

584
00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:45,720
Speaker 1: lot and are non starters. So in that if it

585
00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:48,960
Speaker 1: could possibly be a deal breaker, I think it's important

586
00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:53,200
Speaker 1: that you share that. Yeah, I completely agree. Absolutely. Okay,

587
00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:56,880
Speaker 1: sexting is it good for play or can I get

588
00:30:56,920 --> 00:31:00,360
Speaker 1: you into serious trouble? Well there's an app for that

589
00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:03,960
Speaker 1: to keep you out of trouble. I think it's really

590
00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:08,520
Speaker 1: always very important to keep your private life private and confidential,

591
00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:13,160
Speaker 1: So look for different apps, you know, both online and

592
00:31:13,680 --> 00:31:16,240
Speaker 1: on your cell phone that allow to keep things private.

593
00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:20,080
Speaker 1: You do not need pictures or texts getting to people

594
00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:24,520
Speaker 1: who don't need to be the intended recipient. So yeah,

595
00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:26,680
Speaker 1: there's an app for that. And I think it can

596
00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:30,320
Speaker 1: be really hot and sexy for sure. Yeah, yes, I

597
00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:34,200
Speaker 1: like Dr Vivian. I think it's it's so cool because

598
00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:36,240
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, yeah, I think it's but absolutely, be

599
00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:37,800
Speaker 1: very careful you guys, if you're sending like you know,

600
00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:41,560
Speaker 1: movie pictures or whatever, just be careful. Okay. Our threesomes

601
00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:48,480
Speaker 1: a good idea for traditionally monogamous couples all in all, Typically, no,

602
00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:51,240
Speaker 1: they are not a good idea. It is a very

603
00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:56,320
Speaker 1: very sensitive and tricky situation. You have to get help

604
00:31:56,360 --> 00:31:59,240
Speaker 1: with some from somebody like myself, somebody who is a

605
00:31:59,280 --> 00:32:01,720
Speaker 1: marriage and family therapist, who is a relationship there is

606
00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:04,320
Speaker 1: a sex therapist, somebody who can really walk you through

607
00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:06,800
Speaker 1: to make sure that you don't jump on any land

608
00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:09,680
Speaker 1: mines like a lot of people do. It's one of

609
00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:13,000
Speaker 1: those things where sometimes the fantasy is better than the reality,

610
00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:16,920
Speaker 1: and keeping it in the fantasy tends to work out better. Yes,

611
00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:19,240
Speaker 1: And I think something that I've done and I brought

612
00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:20,760
Speaker 1: up to my partners, like what if I put on

613
00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:22,360
Speaker 1: a wig one day and it's like you feel like

614
00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:23,960
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like we pretend that we

615
00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:25,920
Speaker 1: just met at the bar and like, you know, doing

616
00:32:25,920 --> 00:32:28,800
Speaker 1: that type of role play rope play. There you go.

617
00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:30,640
Speaker 1: It went out of you know, but yeah, rope play.

618
00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:32,520
Speaker 1: I think. I mean it's fun, guys. I mean I

619
00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:35,520
Speaker 1: think it's for me personally. You know. Again, whatever flects

620
00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:38,000
Speaker 1: your vote. I just so I wouldn't want to bring

621
00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:40,600
Speaker 1: someone into my relationship just because I think it opens

622
00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:44,120
Speaker 1: up a whole other door that I'm just not willing

623
00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:46,040
Speaker 1: to I don't want to share that. That's just me though.

624
00:32:46,640 --> 00:32:49,880
Speaker 1: So there's a buzz word, um, a really important word

625
00:32:49,920 --> 00:32:51,840
Speaker 1: that I think a lot of people don't know about,

626
00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:55,040
Speaker 1: but they know what it is, um if they heard it.

627
00:32:55,040 --> 00:32:58,680
Speaker 1: It's called compersion, and that's the ability to feel true

628
00:32:58,840 --> 00:33:02,800
Speaker 1: happiness for someone and else for your partner if they're

629
00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:07,320
Speaker 1: experiencing sexual satisfaction from someone else. So when your partner

630
00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:09,760
Speaker 1: is happy sexually, whether it's with you or someone else,

631
00:33:09,840 --> 00:33:12,560
Speaker 1: you still feel happy for them. That is not something

632
00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:15,160
Speaker 1: that a lot of people, especially in our society, are

633
00:33:15,760 --> 00:33:18,239
Speaker 1: socialized to do. A lot of times it's it's all

634
00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:22,080
Speaker 1: about jealousy and possession. So it's not for everyone. But

635
00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:25,160
Speaker 1: if you can truly feel compersion for someone, then that's

636
00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:28,480
Speaker 1: when the idea of possibly opening up or swinging or

637
00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:31,640
Speaker 1: having a threesome uh, can be something that you bring

638
00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:34,840
Speaker 1: into just the dialogue of your relationship. But there are

639
00:33:34,840 --> 00:33:37,280
Speaker 1: a lot of factors that people don't think about, so

640
00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:40,880
Speaker 1: it's not something you just try. Yeah, I gotta prepare

641
00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:43,600
Speaker 1: for it. Yes, speak to Dr Bribana before you guys

642
00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:46,920
Speaker 1: decide that. Um, Okay, what do you think about being

643
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:48,880
Speaker 1: friends with your ex is? Do you think that's a

644
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:51,800
Speaker 1: good thing a bad thing? What is your professional opinion

645
00:33:51,840 --> 00:33:58,560
Speaker 1: on that. Unless you have legal or relational ties. Let's

646
00:33:58,560 --> 00:34:01,080
Speaker 1: say that there's family that you have to share with them,

647
00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:02,840
Speaker 1: or if you have kids together, if you have a

648
00:34:02,880 --> 00:34:07,160
Speaker 1: business together, I say, don't do it. Do not do it.

649
00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:11,000
Speaker 1: Excess tend to be the number one reason why people

650
00:34:11,280 --> 00:34:14,600
Speaker 1: break up and in future relationships. So if you can

651
00:34:14,640 --> 00:34:17,319
Speaker 1: cut them off all together, I think it tends to

652
00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:21,439
Speaker 1: lend itself to being just a happier, less insecure place.

653
00:34:21,600 --> 00:34:24,440
Speaker 1: People already have insecurities as it is. If you have

654
00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:26,640
Speaker 1: to add on an X that doesn't have to be

655
00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:29,359
Speaker 1: a part of your life, you're just adding one more

656
00:34:29,480 --> 00:34:34,480
Speaker 1: block against you. Yeah, great answer. Yes, Okay. Is living

657
00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:37,879
Speaker 1: together before marriage a good idea? What do you think

658
00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:42,160
Speaker 1: about that? I think it's a great idea. I think

659
00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:44,719
Speaker 1: that getting to know somebody and getting to know how

660
00:34:44,760 --> 00:34:48,160
Speaker 1: they live, getting to know if your daily lifestyles or

661
00:34:48,239 --> 00:34:52,600
Speaker 1: something that are compatible or not. There's no way to

662
00:34:52,680 --> 00:34:56,800
Speaker 1: really do that without actually spending some time together. Also,

663
00:34:56,880 --> 00:35:00,160
Speaker 1: it helps you to understand the commitment to someone else else.

664
00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:02,279
Speaker 1: If you were to live with them, you can't just

665
00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:04,359
Speaker 1: get up and leave. Or maybe if you're the kind

666
00:35:04,360 --> 00:35:05,879
Speaker 1: of person that tends to get up and leave every

667
00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:08,239
Speaker 1: time there's an argument that would be something that they

668
00:35:08,239 --> 00:35:10,920
Speaker 1: wouldn't know if you didn't live together. There's just a

669
00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:14,160
Speaker 1: whole lot that you can discover from having with someone,

670
00:35:14,280 --> 00:35:17,880
Speaker 1: And I believe that making that decision to be married

671
00:35:18,239 --> 00:35:20,680
Speaker 1: and to be with someone long term, get as much

672
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:23,600
Speaker 1: information as you possibly can, unless you're on Marrie at

673
00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:27,480
Speaker 1: first site, where you get zero information, but that's a

674
00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:30,560
Speaker 1: unique situation. I truly believe that it's it's good to

675
00:35:30,600 --> 00:35:32,640
Speaker 1: just kind of, you know, live together and know each other,

676
00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:35,120
Speaker 1: and then you'll just know like faster and sooner, like hey,

677
00:35:35,160 --> 00:35:37,520
Speaker 1: this is the person I would be okay with living

678
00:35:37,560 --> 00:35:40,040
Speaker 1: with or being married to for the rest of my life.

679
00:35:40,080 --> 00:35:44,560
Speaker 1: So okay. What are important compatible indicators that we should

680
00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:47,880
Speaker 1: be looking for when looking for a partner. It's a

681
00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:49,920
Speaker 1: tough one, but trying to figure out if you have

682
00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:54,520
Speaker 1: a similar outlook on life. That's a really broad way

683
00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:59,760
Speaker 1: of saying. Do you see things similarly? Are your goals

684
00:35:59,800 --> 00:36:04,239
Speaker 1: and life similar? Do you see your spiritual side similarly?

685
00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:07,560
Speaker 1: Do you see the reason for living? Is that something

686
00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:12,160
Speaker 1: that's similar? Personality wise, people can be all over the place,

687
00:36:12,520 --> 00:36:17,239
Speaker 1: but if you have similar values, belief systems, goals. Those

688
00:36:17,280 --> 00:36:19,560
Speaker 1: are things that I think people should really try to

689
00:36:19,640 --> 00:36:23,240
Speaker 1: have similar ideas on or else they'll have to overcome

690
00:36:23,280 --> 00:36:25,319
Speaker 1: those things. And there's always going to be other things

691
00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:28,480
Speaker 1: to overcome. So it's not that it's a no go

692
00:36:28,640 --> 00:36:30,920
Speaker 1: if you have different ideas, but you're going to have

693
00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:34,319
Speaker 1: to figure out how that will look in actuality. You know,

694
00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:37,280
Speaker 1: for instance, if somebody wants kids and and and somebody doesn't,

695
00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:40,920
Speaker 1: somebody's going to get their way, So that that's a

696
00:36:40,960 --> 00:36:44,239
Speaker 1: really tough one for a lot of people. But you

697
00:36:44,280 --> 00:36:47,200
Speaker 1: don't know that unless you're really starting to ask and

698
00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:49,920
Speaker 1: you know, getting to know somebody in the dating phase,

699
00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:52,879
Speaker 1: while you're living with them, while you're traveling with them.

700
00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:54,600
Speaker 1: There are a lot of things that you can change.

701
00:36:54,640 --> 00:36:58,160
Speaker 1: I'm a huge believer in the possibility of change for people,

702
00:36:59,040 --> 00:37:01,560
Speaker 1: But there are things that people may not want to

703
00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:07,480
Speaker 1: change or want to sacrifice or compromise on, and you

704
00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:10,240
Speaker 1: have to ask those questions in order to get the answers,

705
00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:12,320
Speaker 1: and then you have to figure out if that's okay

706
00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:14,759
Speaker 1: with you from the get right now that we're talking

707
00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:17,799
Speaker 1: about it, politics, like do you think it's important that

708
00:37:18,120 --> 00:37:21,680
Speaker 1: couples are on the same not necessarily political party, but

709
00:37:21,719 --> 00:37:24,200
Speaker 1: that they have the same views, or do you think

710
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:27,359
Speaker 1: that you could just put that to the side. I

711
00:37:27,400 --> 00:37:31,359
Speaker 1: think it's something that people can work through. I've seen it,

712
00:37:31,480 --> 00:37:35,040
Speaker 1: I've experienced it. It's something that I know it's possible

713
00:37:35,040 --> 00:37:37,879
Speaker 1: for people to compromise on that. But if you are

714
00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:42,120
Speaker 1: a huge activist, almost like if you're an orthodox person

715
00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:45,000
Speaker 1: in your religion, if it's part of your life, it's

716
00:37:45,080 --> 00:37:47,400
Speaker 1: part of your daily life, it's it's the glasses you

717
00:37:47,440 --> 00:37:50,120
Speaker 1: wear and it's how you see your life, then it's

718
00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:53,239
Speaker 1: probably going to be much more difficult to live with

719
00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:56,719
Speaker 1: somebody and and really grow with somebody who feels not

720
00:37:56,880 --> 00:38:01,600
Speaker 1: just differently but opposite. You know, friend is good, Differently fun,

721
00:38:01,719 --> 00:38:05,960
Speaker 1: different creates the spice of life. You know, that's that's awesome.

722
00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:10,640
Speaker 1: But when you feel like it's antagonistic, when it's oppositional

723
00:38:10,800 --> 00:38:13,319
Speaker 1: and contradicts the way that you look at things and

724
00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:16,440
Speaker 1: it's the way you live every day, that's probably not

725
00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:19,440
Speaker 1: going to go. Well. Okay, good to know it's important

726
00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:22,920
Speaker 1: to respect your significant others, Austen, you know, feelings and

727
00:38:22,960 --> 00:38:25,279
Speaker 1: all that good stuff. So final question, I'm sorry. I

728
00:38:25,600 --> 00:38:27,760
Speaker 1: know I knew I was gonna like bombard you with questions,

729
00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:30,120
Speaker 1: but this is my final question. How long should you

730
00:38:30,120 --> 00:38:35,200
Speaker 1: wait before getting engaged? Wow? Um, well you ask the

731
00:38:35,239 --> 00:38:39,560
Speaker 1: wrong person because I eloped after six months, so you know,

732
00:38:40,160 --> 00:38:43,800
Speaker 1: I don't know that there's any correct amount of time.

733
00:38:44,440 --> 00:38:47,279
Speaker 1: I think you just have to know that you have

734
00:38:47,440 --> 00:38:50,600
Speaker 1: gotten enough information from your partner to know that you

735
00:38:50,680 --> 00:38:53,000
Speaker 1: will be able to work through the majority of the

736
00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:55,920
Speaker 1: things that you can foresee will come up in your life,

737
00:38:56,239 --> 00:38:59,920
Speaker 1: and that you have good communication skills, you have respect,

738
00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:03,480
Speaker 1: a lot of respect and support from the people around

739
00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:05,360
Speaker 1: you to get through the times that are going to

740
00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:08,759
Speaker 1: be difficult that you can't foresee. Right, once you feel

741
00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:11,600
Speaker 1: like you've got those two things, you know that you

742
00:39:11,640 --> 00:39:14,000
Speaker 1: can work through the unforeseeable and that you can work

743
00:39:14,000 --> 00:39:16,919
Speaker 1: through the foreseeable, I think that that's the perfect time

744
00:39:16,960 --> 00:39:20,160
Speaker 1: to get engaged and start planning your wedding. Personally, if

745
00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:22,759
Speaker 1: after a year we've been dating and you don't know

746
00:39:23,040 --> 00:39:25,840
Speaker 1: if I'm a woman you'd like to marry for I

747
00:39:25,920 --> 00:39:28,440
Speaker 1: just personally, I'm like, Okay, well, it's not that I'm

748
00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:30,680
Speaker 1: asking you on the first year. You have to ask

749
00:39:30,680 --> 00:39:33,040
Speaker 1: me to marry you, but you don't have to kind

750
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:35,080
Speaker 1: of know, like, oh, I I want to marry this chick,

751
00:39:35,120 --> 00:39:36,399
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? If not, it's kind of like,

752
00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:38,600
Speaker 1: what are we doing here? I decided that when I

753
00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:40,759
Speaker 1: entered my thirties, I like whoever I date, and if

754
00:39:40,800 --> 00:39:42,719
Speaker 1: after a year they don't know if they want to

755
00:39:42,719 --> 00:39:44,759
Speaker 1: marry me, that doesn't mean they have to put a

756
00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:46,279
Speaker 1: ring on it, but we have to have some type

757
00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:48,719
Speaker 1: of conversation. If not, it's kind of like, what's up?

758
00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:50,880
Speaker 1: You know? That's just me well, and I think for

759
00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:53,879
Speaker 1: a lot of people it is, especially for women, there

760
00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:57,480
Speaker 1: is this biological thing that we have to consider. If

761
00:39:57,480 --> 00:40:00,400
Speaker 1: you're wanting to try to have kids by a certain time,

762
00:40:00,560 --> 00:40:03,839
Speaker 1: if you have career goals and aspirations, if you have

763
00:40:03,880 --> 00:40:06,759
Speaker 1: travel goals, if you have physical goals that you want

764
00:40:06,760 --> 00:40:09,920
Speaker 1: to try to have by a certain time, then it

765
00:40:09,960 --> 00:40:13,520
Speaker 1: does start to make sense to say, let's kind of

766
00:40:13,680 --> 00:40:16,680
Speaker 1: push this along. But there are people in their in

767
00:40:16,719 --> 00:40:18,440
Speaker 1: their twenties. There are people in the thirties and their

768
00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:22,960
Speaker 1: freties who are like, I don't necessarily need to be married.

769
00:40:23,160 --> 00:40:25,680
Speaker 1: I just want to be building a life with you.

770
00:40:26,040 --> 00:40:28,400
Speaker 1: And I think a lot of that comes from just

771
00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:31,160
Speaker 1: wanting to have predictability in your life, wanting to be

772
00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:34,160
Speaker 1: able to foresee what the next week, month, year is

773
00:40:34,160 --> 00:40:37,040
Speaker 1: going to look like, being able to plan. I'm a planner.

774
00:40:37,480 --> 00:40:39,919
Speaker 1: I I love to know what's happening in the next year.

775
00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:42,840
Speaker 1: And I think that knowing that you and your partner

776
00:40:42,960 --> 00:40:45,040
Speaker 1: on the same page helps you to feel like you

777
00:40:45,040 --> 00:40:48,239
Speaker 1: can really rely on them and that the predictability comes

778
00:40:48,239 --> 00:40:51,200
Speaker 1: in and it just feels good. Right. Yeah, for a woman,

779
00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:53,920
Speaker 1: it's just being able to having some type of stability

780
00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:57,480
Speaker 1: and being able to rely on your significant other for

781
00:40:57,520 --> 00:40:59,720
Speaker 1: me is huge, you know. Now, after I've been married

782
00:41:00,239 --> 00:41:02,600
Speaker 1: and and divorced or almost, I don't know what's going

783
00:41:02,600 --> 00:41:05,960
Speaker 1: on with that, but I do feel like marriage isn't

784
00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:08,879
Speaker 1: necessarily necessary. I feel like, as long as you know

785
00:41:09,000 --> 00:41:10,960
Speaker 1: that I'm the woman for you and that we're going

786
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:13,120
Speaker 1: to do this together, you're gonna be my life companion.

787
00:41:13,680 --> 00:41:16,080
Speaker 1: I need to have some type that security in order

788
00:41:16,120 --> 00:41:18,080
Speaker 1: to just keep going after a while. But honestly, I

789
00:41:18,120 --> 00:41:20,440
Speaker 1: just feel like, even if we don't get married, it's cool,

790
00:41:20,600 --> 00:41:22,279
Speaker 1: Like I'm good with that, you know what I mean.

791
00:41:22,480 --> 00:41:24,360
Speaker 1: I'm not opposed to it. If we get married, awesome,

792
00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:25,960
Speaker 1: if you If we're not going to get married. So

793
00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:27,720
Speaker 1: I don't feel like a piece of papers should define

794
00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:29,520
Speaker 1: that or how much we love each other because I

795
00:41:29,520 --> 00:41:31,040
Speaker 1: feel like maybe it's not fair to say that because

796
00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:32,719
Speaker 1: I've already been through it. But you know, as far

797
00:41:32,760 --> 00:41:35,439
Speaker 1: as like my boyfriend, my boyfriend has to well, there's

798
00:41:35,480 --> 00:41:38,880
Speaker 1: a there's a level of commitment right in the C

799
00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:42,359
Speaker 1: word that that commitment, right, commitment something that comes up

800
00:41:42,440 --> 00:41:45,640
Speaker 1: so much, not just in my practice but on the show.

801
00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:49,160
Speaker 1: Like commitment is when you can both look to each

802
00:41:49,160 --> 00:41:53,440
Speaker 1: other and say, I am not going to leave unless

803
00:41:53,640 --> 00:41:56,239
Speaker 1: you know this, this, this, or this happens and you

804
00:41:56,280 --> 00:41:58,359
Speaker 1: need to know what this, this, this, and that are.

805
00:41:58,840 --> 00:42:01,000
Speaker 1: And if you have that converse station with your partner

806
00:42:01,040 --> 00:42:03,520
Speaker 1: and you both can agree to it and commit to

807
00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:07,240
Speaker 1: each other, then the legal part is just an additional

808
00:42:07,400 --> 00:42:11,200
Speaker 1: boundary and and kind of reminder. It makes it a

809
00:42:11,239 --> 00:42:13,560
Speaker 1: little bit harder. But the truth is there are people

810
00:42:13,560 --> 00:42:16,719
Speaker 1: who are not divorced, who are married and who lived

811
00:42:16,719 --> 00:42:19,959
Speaker 1: together for a long time because getting a divorced isn't

812
00:42:20,040 --> 00:42:22,800
Speaker 1: as important. They just or they can't afford it. You know,

813
00:42:22,920 --> 00:42:26,840
Speaker 1: there's all sorts of situations, but I think the commitment

814
00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:29,520
Speaker 1: piece and having the communication about the Commitment is what

815
00:42:29,600 --> 00:42:33,360
Speaker 1: really matters, especially nowadays. Yes, that's the key word, commitment

816
00:42:33,640 --> 00:42:36,759
Speaker 1: and communicating with them and letting them know, look, I'm

817
00:42:36,760 --> 00:42:39,200
Speaker 1: gonna make this work. I'm gonna try until trying is

818
00:42:39,239 --> 00:42:40,920
Speaker 1: no longer an option. And if you do this, if

819
00:42:40,960 --> 00:42:44,000
Speaker 1: you lie, if you cheat, and you know, there's another

820
00:42:44,040 --> 00:42:46,680
Speaker 1: one out there that I haven't thought, but but like those,

821
00:42:46,840 --> 00:42:48,520
Speaker 1: you just have to kind of just set those you

822
00:42:48,640 --> 00:42:53,719
Speaker 1: abuse me, you know, physical abuse, there's financial abuse, there's

823
00:42:53,719 --> 00:42:57,399
Speaker 1: so yeah, so abuse and betrayal and lying and all

824
00:42:57,480 --> 00:43:00,480
Speaker 1: that for sure. And remember it does and have to

825
00:43:00,520 --> 00:43:03,719
Speaker 1: be a this happened, so I'm done. It can be

826
00:43:03,840 --> 00:43:07,239
Speaker 1: this happened, or this seems like it could happen. Let's

827
00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:09,600
Speaker 1: get some help and see if we can work through

828
00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:13,400
Speaker 1: this and really prove to ourselves that we can't or

829
00:43:13,440 --> 00:43:16,759
Speaker 1: that we can and we can actually even possibly grow

830
00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:21,600
Speaker 1: closer after going through a tough patch, leaving a relationship

831
00:43:21,840 --> 00:43:25,960
Speaker 1: right away under really any circumstances. That doesn't mean you

832
00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:28,000
Speaker 1: have to be together, but at least try to work

833
00:43:28,080 --> 00:43:30,400
Speaker 1: through it and talk about it through with a therapist

834
00:43:30,440 --> 00:43:33,239
Speaker 1: because if not, it will continue to plague you, and

835
00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:36,680
Speaker 1: it will it will haunt you going into future relationships

836
00:43:36,719 --> 00:43:39,000
Speaker 1: if you don't feel like you really understand what's going on.

837
00:43:39,560 --> 00:43:42,040
Speaker 1: Some people feel like they love too soon. Some people,

838
00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:44,040
Speaker 1: of course, feel like they left too late. But when

839
00:43:44,080 --> 00:43:45,800
Speaker 1: you can talk to a professional who deals with this

840
00:43:46,000 --> 00:43:48,440
Speaker 1: all the time, we can really walk you through it

841
00:43:48,480 --> 00:43:51,919
Speaker 1: and you can feel better about your decision. Absolutely, absolutely,

842
00:43:52,560 --> 00:43:56,040
Speaker 1: uh Dr Rianna, honestly, thank you so much. I have learned,

843
00:43:56,400 --> 00:43:59,520
Speaker 1: and you have confirmed, and you have helped me quite

844
00:43:59,520 --> 00:44:01,600
Speaker 1: a bit, and I to our listeners I'm sure feel

845
00:44:01,600 --> 00:44:03,400
Speaker 1: the same way. So thank you. And before you go,

846
00:44:03,480 --> 00:44:05,280
Speaker 1: I want to leave everyone with day with a quote

847
00:44:05,280 --> 00:44:07,120
Speaker 1: that I found, and I want to ask you what

848
00:44:07,160 --> 00:44:08,960
Speaker 1: you think about this. Okay, I kind of already know

849
00:44:08,960 --> 00:44:12,040
Speaker 1: what you're gonna say. But regardless, one, love is real.

850
00:44:12,200 --> 00:44:15,239
Speaker 1: It doesn't lie, cheat, pretend to hurt you, or make

851
00:44:15,280 --> 00:44:19,839
Speaker 1: you feel unwanted. I love that. I think what's great

852
00:44:19,880 --> 00:44:25,120
Speaker 1: about that one is that the leaving you feeling unwanted. Um,

853
00:44:25,120 --> 00:44:28,560
Speaker 1: it's so important to show somebody, both emotionally and physically

854
00:44:28,600 --> 00:44:32,440
Speaker 1: that you want them. And if you're unable to as

855
00:44:32,560 --> 00:44:36,440
Speaker 1: much physically as emotionally, that's okay. If you're unable to

856
00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:39,080
Speaker 1: emotionally as you are physically that's okay, but a song

857
00:44:39,120 --> 00:44:41,800
Speaker 1: as you're letting them know, then you have a chance.

858
00:44:42,040 --> 00:44:46,279
Speaker 1: Oh my god, honestly, I honestly like, I feel so

859
00:44:46,360 --> 00:44:48,440
Speaker 1: connected with you and I'm so happy that I was

860
00:44:48,480 --> 00:44:50,920
Speaker 1: able to speak to you. So thank you so much.

861
00:44:50,960 --> 00:44:52,560
Speaker 1: You're so beautiful. I wish you guys could see her.

862
00:44:52,600 --> 00:44:56,680
Speaker 1: You guys, she's beautiful. Thank you. You are you really are.

863
00:44:57,200 --> 00:45:00,160
Speaker 1: Before you go, Dr Vivienna, let us know where our

864
00:45:00,200 --> 00:45:05,000
Speaker 1: listeners can find you, and again, mention your book. Please, yeah,

865
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:08,160
Speaker 1: absolutely so. If you go on to my website, spell

866
00:45:08,200 --> 00:45:11,480
Speaker 1: it out, Dr Vivienna dot com. My book is the

867
00:45:11,520 --> 00:45:13,680
Speaker 1: Four Intimacy Styles and you can find it all at

868
00:45:13,680 --> 00:45:16,879
Speaker 1: four Intimacy Styles dot com and on social media spell

869
00:45:16,920 --> 00:45:19,400
Speaker 1: it out, Dr Bavianna. That's where I am. I have

870
00:45:19,480 --> 00:45:21,480
Speaker 1: a style page there, I have a YouTube channel, I

871
00:45:21,520 --> 00:45:23,960
Speaker 1: have all sorts of fun stuff and um, I love

872
00:45:24,040 --> 00:45:27,479
Speaker 1: to connect with everyone, so please um connect with me. There.

873
00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:30,280
Speaker 1: There you have it, guys, Thank you so much for listening.

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00:45:30,360 --> 00:45:40,520
Speaker 1: Dr Vianna. Hap yes, thank you guys so much. You

875
00:45:40,560 --> 00:45:43,440
Speaker 1: guys soon or you guys will hear soon. Anyways. Okay,

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00:45:43,440 --> 00:45:53,239
Speaker 1: this is a fellows bye. This is a production of

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00:45:53,320 --> 00:45:57,120
Speaker 1: My Heart Radio and Michael podcast Network. Follow us on

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00:45:57,200 --> 00:46:01,120
Speaker 1: Instagram at Michael Dura Podcasts and follow me chick Ees

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00:46:01,360 --> 00:46:04,520
Speaker 1: That's c h i q u i s. For more

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00:46:04,560 --> 00:46:08,560
Speaker 1: podcasts from My Heart, visit the I Heart Radio app,

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00:46:08,719 --> 00:46:11,600
Speaker 1: Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

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00:46:16,200 --> 00:46:16,239
Speaker 1: H