WEBVTT - RORY FEEK 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:03.080 With me on the phone. Is Rory Fike. You probably 0:00:03.240 --> 0:00:08.080 remember he and his late wife, Joey, had a television show. 0:00:08.320 --> 0:00:13.520 He's a songwriter. She was a singer. Uh. Just a wonderful, wonderful, 0:00:13.560 --> 0:00:17.960 wonderful human being. A daddy. He's got two grown daughters 0:00:18.480 --> 0:00:23.840 and now little Indie Indiana. He's also an author. He's 0:00:23.880 --> 0:00:26.280 written a couple of books. We're gonna be talking about that. 0:00:26.320 --> 0:00:29.960 He's got a children's book out to the cow said nay, 0:00:30.000 --> 0:00:32.559 but we're gonna be talking about the book that I 0:00:32.640 --> 0:00:37.000 just finished, called now Once upon a Farm. Rory Fike, 0:00:37.080 --> 0:00:40.000 thank you so much for coming back and talking to 0:00:40.080 --> 0:00:43.279 us tonight. Are you at home? Are you calling me 0:00:43.320 --> 0:00:46.880 from your farm? I'm calling you from my farm where 0:00:46.880 --> 0:00:52.600 I'm folding laundry as we speak. Lots of little girl clothes. Yeah, 0:00:52.680 --> 0:00:54.960 I have quite a few little girl clothes and some 0:00:54.960 --> 0:00:58.160 some big boy overalls. Yeah. Your laundry has got to 0:00:58.160 --> 0:01:01.200 be pretty simple. You put the shirts in one load 0:01:01.320 --> 0:01:03.640 and then you're overalls. How many pairs do you own? 0:01:04.360 --> 0:01:07.640 I have a bunch. I'm kind of embarrassed to say, 0:01:08.080 --> 0:01:10.440 give me a ballpark, just a gas because and then 0:01:10.480 --> 0:01:13.280 I'm going to confess about my boots. Well, I mean 0:01:13.319 --> 0:01:16.760 I probably have. I mean I probably have tin pairs. 0:01:16.760 --> 0:01:19.119 So that's not that's not a lot I've had. That's 0:01:19.160 --> 0:01:22.720 not a bunch. Well, it's a bunch when you know, 0:01:22.800 --> 0:01:25.559 you really don't need that many, but it's a bunch 0:01:25.600 --> 0:01:28.760 for a man with overalls. You do need that many 0:01:28.840 --> 0:01:33.680 because you need the darker blue ones for like church service. Yeah, 0:01:34.360 --> 0:01:36.240 you need the ones with the holes and the knees 0:01:36.319 --> 0:01:40.360 for tinkering unto the car. I mean, come on, yeah, 0:01:40.400 --> 0:01:43.600 I do. I've got the I've got some black um 0:01:43.880 --> 0:01:50.800 shovrals for formal occasions, shov als for farmal occasions, for 0:01:50.800 --> 0:01:54.040 farmal occasions exactly. Now do you wear boots for the 0:01:54.080 --> 0:01:56.680 farmal occasions? Do you have like black boots to go 0:01:56.840 --> 0:02:01.800 with the blacks? Yeah? Uh, I mean I might, I 0:02:01.880 --> 0:02:05.200 might look ridiculous, but I do it well. But you're 0:02:05.200 --> 0:02:07.720 comfortable for me. It was a number of years ago. 0:02:07.800 --> 0:02:10.520 It just became one less thing. You know, you just 0:02:10.880 --> 0:02:13.560 what should I wear overalls? Okay, I don't think about 0:02:13.560 --> 0:02:18.960 that anymore. How are you doing? I'm hanging in you know. Yeah. 0:02:19.120 --> 0:02:22.680 Have you heard the I'm sure you have um Willie 0:02:22.680 --> 0:02:26.280 Nelson song. It's not something you get over. No, I 0:02:26.280 --> 0:02:29.560 haven't heard it, oh Rory, I must have listened to 0:02:29.600 --> 0:02:34.080 this song a thousand times after Zach left. It says, 0:02:34.120 --> 0:02:36.680 it's not something you get over, it's just something you 0:02:36.760 --> 0:02:40.840 get through. Wow, that's a pretty powerful statement. It's kind 0:02:40.880 --> 0:02:46.600 of become my mantra. You know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's uh. 0:02:46.919 --> 0:02:49.560 I don't ever say because nobody ever knows what to say, 0:02:49.760 --> 0:02:52.400 Like they don't never know what to say. So you 0:02:52.440 --> 0:02:54.480 know when they say when they do talk about, you know, 0:02:54.560 --> 0:02:57.520 moving on, like I just that doesn't feel like a 0:02:57.600 --> 0:03:01.280 real thing to me. I mean, you just keep moving forward. 0:03:01.320 --> 0:03:03.760 But I don't think you move on. That's why that 0:03:03.919 --> 0:03:08.919 song just Who was such a gift, because you don't 0:03:08.960 --> 0:03:13.200 move on, You just you just get through it. Hopefully 0:03:13.200 --> 0:03:16.080 you're like me, where in spite of it, you'd still 0:03:16.480 --> 0:03:19.119 look around and see all the blessings, and that makes 0:03:19.120 --> 0:03:22.640 a big difference. I just feel blessed all the time. 0:03:22.680 --> 0:03:25.640 I would just now came over here because I was 0:03:26.200 --> 0:03:28.360 five minutes ago. I was at the schoolhouse that opened 0:03:28.440 --> 0:03:32.200 yesterday in Indiana, and a dozen other kids are all 0:03:32.280 --> 0:03:37.400 having lunch around a big farm table and having the 0:03:37.480 --> 0:03:39.840 greatest time in the world and all these little kids 0:03:39.880 --> 0:03:42.720 I'm just now getting to know, and that's just happened 0:03:42.720 --> 0:03:45.800 at our farm just now. And I don't know what 0:03:45.840 --> 0:03:50.320 the future is, but it's amazing. So the blessings continue 0:03:50.360 --> 0:03:54.800 in spite of, you know, the the hurts, and what 0:03:55.040 --> 0:03:59.360 a blessed, blessed, blessed life you have. I know, I 0:03:59.440 --> 0:04:03.760 know the pain is excruciating, but um, I just finished 0:04:03.800 --> 0:04:07.480 Once upon a Farm I've been since back left. I 0:04:07.520 --> 0:04:10.280 can't concentrate, so I read like two pages at a time. 0:04:11.840 --> 0:04:16.760 But there there are so many beautiful little stories that 0:04:16.839 --> 0:04:20.640 you've shared in here, and so many miracles and blessings 0:04:20.680 --> 0:04:24.680 that have happened. And one of my favorite chapters is 0:04:25.240 --> 0:04:29.200 when you talk about your worst nightmare, how you were 0:04:29.279 --> 0:04:33.599 afraid that your actions, that you have this recurring nightmare, 0:04:33.600 --> 0:04:37.680 that your foolishness would cause you to lose your wife. 0:04:38.360 --> 0:04:41.800 You know, though God called her home, it wasn't because 0:04:41.880 --> 0:04:45.560 you reverted to your old ways or foolishness. And I 0:04:45.560 --> 0:04:47.960 don't know why that touched me so deeply, but I 0:04:48.000 --> 0:04:50.919 think that's one of my favorite stories you shared. Well, 0:04:51.880 --> 0:04:54.880 it happened because I was in the airport, Zach Joey 0:04:55.000 --> 0:04:58.640 was here you know, we it was during times when 0:04:58.680 --> 0:05:02.320 she was going through surgery and recovering through your chemo 0:05:02.400 --> 0:05:05.599 and radiation, or at least we we hoped she was recovering, 0:05:06.560 --> 0:05:09.719 and UM and I had to travel somewhere without her, 0:05:09.760 --> 0:05:12.119 and we never went anywhere without each other. We just didn't. 0:05:12.160 --> 0:05:15.719 We didn't. Every single time at the park and fly place, 0:05:15.800 --> 0:05:18.280 they knew who we were, and they knew we were 0:05:18.320 --> 0:05:20.479 always together. And if we walked up to the counter 0:05:20.560 --> 0:05:24.960 at Southwest or Delta, they knew we were. So it uh, 0:05:25.120 --> 0:05:27.640 it felt weird for me to walk through there, and 0:05:27.640 --> 0:05:31.280 it hurt me because people were asking me where Joey was. 0:05:31.600 --> 0:05:35.080 But what happened was I realized that that could happen, 0:05:35.160 --> 0:05:37.880 that could have happened to where people are doing the 0:05:37.920 --> 0:05:40.640 same thing. And this is even before Joey passed away. 0:05:40.680 --> 0:05:43.960 But I found some sort of peace and the fact 0:05:44.120 --> 0:05:47.359 that UM, a lot of times we as men or 0:05:47.400 --> 0:05:49.839 just we in our lives, we will mess up the 0:05:49.920 --> 0:05:53.760 greatest thing that we've ever had, whatever that happens to be, 0:05:54.200 --> 0:05:56.520 and we'll mess it up just by doing something stupid 0:05:56.640 --> 0:05:59.679 or neglecting it. And I could have been walking through 0:05:59.720 --> 0:06:04.960 their under that that airport under completely different circumstances to 0:06:05.080 --> 0:06:08.760 where everyone asking me it would have been could have 0:06:08.800 --> 0:06:12.080 been something that I did or I didn't do, And 0:06:12.320 --> 0:06:16.960 for some reason, I felt blessed to be able to 0:06:18.120 --> 0:06:21.120 just know that I'm still in the beautiful love story, 0:06:22.240 --> 0:06:24.279 even though it's hard, and even though I'm walking through 0:06:24.320 --> 0:06:27.599 by myself at this moment. It just changed things for me. 0:06:27.640 --> 0:06:30.720 I think in that chapter I said I had this. 0:06:30.960 --> 0:06:34.200 I've always had this recurring nightmare that something would happen 0:06:35.080 --> 0:06:39.560 and I would lose my wife Joey. Even though it happened, 0:06:39.600 --> 0:06:41.680 it just didn't happen the way that I was afraid 0:06:41.720 --> 0:06:45.160 of it. And the thing is, I'm just blessed even 0:06:45.200 --> 0:06:47.320 to be here today and feel like I'm still just 0:06:47.400 --> 0:06:52.400 as in love and just as committed as I was before. Amen. 0:06:52.760 --> 0:06:56.920 Amen and your Cowboy Church. How's that going? I want 0:06:57.000 --> 0:07:00.599 to come some day. It's going great. Last hen was 0:07:00.680 --> 0:07:02.600 the first, so they've been here in our barn for 0:07:02.640 --> 0:07:04.839 a year and a half. They started, I think in 0:07:05.000 --> 0:07:10.720 February of two thousand and seventeen, and so last weekend 0:07:10.760 --> 0:07:15.640 they moved from our barn to a new um, a 0:07:15.680 --> 0:07:17.880 new place. They moved to an elementary school and they're 0:07:17.880 --> 0:07:20.640 trying to build their own barn. So that had to 0:07:20.680 --> 0:07:25.480 happen because our our one room schoolhouse just opened and 0:07:25.680 --> 0:07:27.520 they need a place for their kids to be and 0:07:27.560 --> 0:07:29.920 they've kind of outgrown our barn. So I think this 0:07:30.000 --> 0:07:32.160 is going to probably lead them to bigger and better things. 0:07:32.320 --> 0:07:35.760 I have to believe in reading that your chapters in 0:07:35.760 --> 0:07:37.800 your book Once upon a Farm, that that was such 0:07:37.800 --> 0:07:42.400 a gift from God to put that worship service there, 0:07:42.400 --> 0:07:46.560 those people there at such a time, so that you 0:07:46.600 --> 0:07:49.000 didn't have to put any effort. You just walk across 0:07:49.120 --> 0:07:53.880 the field, across the driveway and your minister too. What 0:07:54.000 --> 0:07:57.480 a gift. Yeah, it really has been, and I it 0:07:57.680 --> 0:08:01.000 actually brought even you know, brought community here. We were 0:08:01.040 --> 0:08:04.360 part of a wonderful community, but that's a different community 0:08:04.360 --> 0:08:06.560 and lots of folks coming in from other places that 0:08:06.640 --> 0:08:08.920 I I would not have met if they didn't come 0:08:08.920 --> 0:08:12.400 in there. So yeah, it has been really wonderful. It's 0:08:12.440 --> 0:08:14.400 kind of been hard to say goodbye to it being 0:08:14.400 --> 0:08:17.440 here in the barn, but at the same time, it's only, 0:08:17.600 --> 0:08:20.520 you know, six miles down the road, so we'll still 0:08:20.520 --> 0:08:23.480 be there on Sundays. I thought about that, and I thought, 0:08:23.480 --> 0:08:26.320 how good is God to say, I see what you need. 0:08:27.000 --> 0:08:30.280 You need people, You need community, and he needs to 0:08:30.480 --> 0:08:33.760 have multitudes of people to love on because she's so social. 0:08:34.360 --> 0:08:36.200 And I know you don't have it in you to 0:08:36.240 --> 0:08:38.520 go find this community. So how about I just bring 0:08:38.559 --> 0:08:42.440 it to your front yard, so there's no you don't 0:08:42.480 --> 0:08:45.080 have to you don't have to think about it, you 0:08:45.120 --> 0:08:48.440 don't have to put yourself out there. Just walk across 0:08:48.480 --> 0:08:52.480 the driveway and be blessed. Yeah, it's been amazing. And 0:08:52.880 --> 0:08:56.000 one of the things that happened right away was since 0:08:56.040 --> 0:08:59.000 our concert hall had been empty for a year and 0:08:59.000 --> 0:09:03.880 a half almost years, we um we just thought we 0:09:03.920 --> 0:09:06.240 would be wonderful to have some life in there and 0:09:06.320 --> 0:09:10.559 some some music and some some preaching and all of 0:09:10.600 --> 0:09:13.360 it some people in love and laughter. So we opened 0:09:13.360 --> 0:09:15.560 it up and they started having Cowboy Church there, and 0:09:15.640 --> 0:09:18.000 I bet it was about the second or third weekend 0:09:18.679 --> 0:09:22.040 there was a girl on stage singing one of our 0:09:22.080 --> 0:09:24.840 songs that my wife used to sing, called Heart of 0:09:24.840 --> 0:09:29.520 the Woods. And at first I kind of wasn't sure 0:09:29.800 --> 0:09:31.760 what I thought. I was setting in the audience, and 0:09:31.760 --> 0:09:34.160 all of a sudden she starts to sing my wife's song, 0:09:34.760 --> 0:09:37.559 and then I just kept listening, and of course it 0:09:37.800 --> 0:09:40.760 really I got really emotional listening to it, but it 0:09:40.800 --> 0:09:44.719 also reminded me what an amazing song it was and 0:09:44.760 --> 0:09:48.760 how the song needs to continue to be heard. And 0:09:48.800 --> 0:09:51.839 I realized as I heard her sing it, it made 0:09:51.840 --> 0:09:55.840 me realize that, hey, I could sing some of these songs, 0:09:56.160 --> 0:10:00.520 even even if I just changed them from Joey's respective 0:10:00.559 --> 0:10:03.200 to mine, maybe that would be okay. That was the 0:10:03.240 --> 0:10:06.760 first thing that sort of planted a seed that maybe 0:10:06.960 --> 0:10:09.280 I should get back on stage at some point, and 0:10:09.320 --> 0:10:12.080 so it took a little time from there, but that 0:10:12.160 --> 0:10:14.880 was another gift from Cowboy Church, was just hearing people 0:10:14.920 --> 0:10:19.080 sing our songs and reminding me how special they were 0:10:19.559 --> 0:10:21.960 and that they were still here if I wanted to 0:10:22.000 --> 0:10:27.520 sing them. Wow, you have faced so much and you 0:10:27.600 --> 0:10:31.280 do it with a whole lot of class. There's a 0:10:31.320 --> 0:10:34.840 lot of power and being honest. And when I read 0:10:35.240 --> 0:10:37.720 Once upon a Farm and you were really honest, you 0:10:37.800 --> 0:10:40.360 put it out there, Rory, you just you just I 0:10:40.440 --> 0:10:43.960 was like, WHOA. But now you're just like really honest 0:10:44.000 --> 0:10:46.920 about what your family is going through and who they are, 0:10:46.960 --> 0:10:50.280 And I'm like, Wow, You're my hero for being able 0:10:50.440 --> 0:10:56.719 to be that transparent and that loving and that um classy. 0:10:56.920 --> 0:10:59.960 Well it's already happening anyway. You know, I could try 0:11:00.040 --> 0:11:03.880 and not share it. But all of these are real 0:11:03.920 --> 0:11:06.080 life things, you know, that are things in the past, 0:11:06.120 --> 0:11:09.520 are are things that have gotten me to where I am, 0:11:09.920 --> 0:11:13.000 even even the terrible mistakes that I've made there, they're 0:11:13.000 --> 0:11:18.000 a very big important part of the story. And also, 0:11:18.280 --> 0:11:21.160 like those scary things, you know, at the time when 0:11:21.240 --> 0:11:24.040 I was going through them or when I was making 0:11:24.080 --> 0:11:28.160 those decisions, you know, I never had anyone to even 0:11:28.280 --> 0:11:31.679 talk to or read something that I could relate to. 0:11:31.800 --> 0:11:35.040 And for some reason, it feels like all the power 0:11:35.160 --> 0:11:38.000 is really in being honest, and that's the real power 0:11:38.000 --> 0:11:40.959 to be able to be encouraging to other folks, because 0:11:41.720 --> 0:11:45.360 you know they they're maybe making some struggle or having 0:11:45.400 --> 0:11:48.280 some struggles, and maybe you make them feel like, well, 0:11:48.360 --> 0:11:54.000 there's isn't so bad after all, or um or maybe 0:11:54.440 --> 0:11:57.920 whatever I am I'm involved in right now, it doesn't 0:11:57.920 --> 0:12:00.800 mean that this is the person I'm going to be 0:12:00.840 --> 0:12:03.080 down the road. Maybe I can be a better person, 0:12:03.160 --> 0:12:07.040 maybe I could live a better life. Maybe just because 0:12:07.080 --> 0:12:11.640 I'm I'm empty inside and I feel corrupt or um, 0:12:13.040 --> 0:12:16.160 I have no self esteem. Maybe just maybe I could 0:12:16.160 --> 0:12:19.640 have joy in my life and peace in my life. 0:12:20.400 --> 0:12:23.280 So but it feels like the only way to be 0:12:23.400 --> 0:12:25.880 of any service is to be able to be honest 0:12:26.480 --> 0:12:30.000 and and share. And then that's also not only for 0:12:30.040 --> 0:12:33.240 the past, but also in the present. Is we're living 0:12:33.320 --> 0:12:37.000 this life, why not continue to share it? Honestly, I'm 0:12:37.040 --> 0:12:40.439 not a great rememberer. And so if I have to 0:12:42.000 --> 0:12:46.080 um coal and try and figure out which parts of 0:12:46.120 --> 0:12:50.040 my life I've shared or I haven't shared, or I 0:12:50.080 --> 0:12:53.160 feel like I could tell someone or I shouldn't tell people, 0:12:54.000 --> 0:12:56.640 I would I think it would cause me some anxiety 0:12:57.040 --> 0:13:00.720 or something. But instead I kind of feel it doesn't 0:13:00.760 --> 0:13:03.360 really matter who it is. I would tell them anything 0:13:04.080 --> 0:13:07.880 anything about myself, you know, about what I've gone through 0:13:07.960 --> 0:13:10.520 or what we're going through, because I feel like it 0:13:10.679 --> 0:13:13.040 I don't have to remember anything. I just can be 0:13:13.120 --> 0:13:15.920 honest all the time. So, and the other thing is 0:13:15.920 --> 0:13:20.720 is for some reason, um it actually helps for the 0:13:20.760 --> 0:13:23.440 most part, it helps everyone around me, even my children. 0:13:24.400 --> 0:13:26.400 Um In some of the struggles you know that we 0:13:26.440 --> 0:13:29.720 have are with my older girls and the differences of 0:13:29.840 --> 0:13:35.040 life styles and opinions and faith. But you know the 0:13:35.520 --> 0:13:39.720 truth is. I may not always agree with them, but 0:13:39.840 --> 0:13:44.160 I can still respect them and honor them, and that's 0:13:44.200 --> 0:13:47.400 all they really ask for. My grandma used to always say, 0:13:47.480 --> 0:13:49.280 tell the truth, and you don't have to try to 0:13:49.320 --> 0:13:54.320 remember your life. You're being that transparent has permissioned me 0:13:54.400 --> 0:13:59.880 to be a lot more authentic. And I think Marie, 0:14:00.040 --> 0:14:03.040 your voice today is doing the same thing, encouraging all 0:14:03.080 --> 0:14:08.920 of us to be more authentic, more transparent, more vulnerable. Um, 0:14:09.920 --> 0:14:12.360 you know, you're very real about the fact that you're 0:14:12.480 --> 0:14:15.640 learning to be a parent, a better parent, a good parent, 0:14:15.880 --> 0:14:19.600 and the mistakes that you might have made, and you 0:14:19.640 --> 0:14:21.680 know all of us. I think all of us who 0:14:21.720 --> 0:14:24.800 are parents feel the same way. I've been parenting for 0:14:25.800 --> 0:14:31.160 a long, long, long time. My oldest biological child has 0:14:31.360 --> 0:14:34.080 five children of his own now. But I look at 0:14:34.120 --> 0:14:37.080 baby Paul and I think, did I do this right? 0:14:37.160 --> 0:14:41.040 The other fourteen times? Thirteen times? I don't know? And 0:14:41.080 --> 0:14:45.440 I think your book permissions all of us to just 0:14:45.520 --> 0:14:49.120 be more real. So thank you, well, thank you. I 0:14:49.200 --> 0:14:51.720 appreciate that. Have you reatten the book yet? Do I 0:14:51.760 --> 0:14:54.080 need to get your book? It's called One Heart at 0:14:54.080 --> 0:15:00.120 a Time, and uh, it's about how I believe that 0:15:00.160 --> 0:15:05.600 we're not going to change the world through politicians, through laws, 0:15:05.680 --> 0:15:14.840 through rants on Facebook, or a religious overtones. I believe 0:15:15.920 --> 0:15:18.720 that we will change the world one heart at a 0:15:18.760 --> 0:15:21.960 time by entering into real relationships with the people that 0:15:22.040 --> 0:15:25.840 God places in our life, and that if we will 0:15:27.400 --> 0:15:31.800 invest our time and energy into real relationships, we can 0:15:31.800 --> 0:15:35.400 solve the homeless problem. We can solve the drug epidemic. 0:15:35.560 --> 0:15:40.000 We can we can change the world for good. But 0:15:40.120 --> 0:15:43.400 we're not going to do it through policies or politics, 0:15:43.560 --> 0:15:47.680 or waiting for somebody else to fix the foster care system, 0:15:47.800 --> 0:15:51.960 or waiting for somebody else to ah, you know, reach 0:15:52.000 --> 0:15:54.760 out to somebody who's disabled. We have to do it ourselves, 0:15:54.800 --> 0:15:58.040 one heart at a time. That's wonderful. I love the 0:15:58.040 --> 0:16:01.760 time too. You'll have to send the make copy. I 0:16:01.800 --> 0:16:05.320 will send you a copy that the book was finished 0:16:05.520 --> 0:16:09.800 right before Zack decided to leave, so I had to, 0:16:10.520 --> 0:16:14.160 you know, rewriting some of it. It was really hard. 0:16:14.720 --> 0:16:18.280 Mm hmm. I can't even imagine. I hope you never 0:16:18.360 --> 0:16:24.520 ever have to. Yeah, I can't. I talk about this sometimes. Um, 0:16:25.920 --> 0:16:28.600 there are people who, you know, there's no way to 0:16:28.640 --> 0:16:33.960 gauge one person's hurt you above greater or smaller. But 0:16:35.120 --> 0:16:39.240 I just know that the so a child just feels 0:16:39.280 --> 0:16:42.440 like it would be a whole different thing. Joey's father 0:16:42.560 --> 0:16:45.280 was here actually this weekend. He came in because we 0:16:45.320 --> 0:16:48.640 had we had a harvest dinner at our farm with 0:16:48.680 --> 0:16:51.760 a bunch of people on Joey's birthday, so the day 0:16:51.760 --> 0:16:54.400 before yesterday, and he came in this weekend and spent 0:16:54.480 --> 0:16:57.480 time with us. And you know, she would have been 0:16:57.560 --> 0:17:00.760 forty three, and yeah, you just sort of walked around. 0:17:00.760 --> 0:17:03.600 He's always a sweet, sweet man, but it was there's 0:17:03.640 --> 0:17:07.640 a lot of weight there because even though she would 0:17:07.640 --> 0:17:13.200 have been forty three, that's his little girl. I I 0:17:13.720 --> 0:17:17.439 don't even hardly know how to process his pain and 0:17:17.480 --> 0:17:21.200 what he feels. No, I just think it's it's got 0:17:21.200 --> 0:17:23.720 to be greater than mine. I don't know if, like 0:17:23.800 --> 0:17:27.600 you said, you can measure, there's no greater than less 0:17:27.640 --> 0:17:34.600 than But you certainly never envisioned that you'll outlive your kids. 0:17:35.119 --> 0:17:37.920 How do you see God in that equation at all? Well, 0:17:37.960 --> 0:17:40.160 if it weren't for the fact that the word says 0:17:40.200 --> 0:17:42.520 that all of his days were numbered before a single 0:17:42.560 --> 0:17:46.480 one came to pass, I would go crazy. I would 0:17:46.520 --> 0:17:50.600 go crazy but I cling to that. I go, Okay, God, 0:17:50.640 --> 0:17:52.160 you knew when you were going to call him home 0:17:52.200 --> 0:17:54.920 before you gave him to me, and he was only 0:17:54.960 --> 0:17:59.040 on loan and I'll see him again. And the other 0:17:59.080 --> 0:18:02.000 thing is he was, you know, like your wife. He 0:18:02.080 --> 0:18:05.280 had such a big personality that he took up so 0:18:05.400 --> 0:18:08.199 much room in our family. You know. I just he 0:18:08.359 --> 0:18:13.119 loved life for you? Is it? Is it just I 0:18:13.119 --> 0:18:16.800 feel like this is this is an everyday ache that's 0:18:17.520 --> 0:18:22.280 too too great like your yours. You just feel like 0:18:22.720 --> 0:18:25.360 it's still just as fresh as it was. Oh yeah, 0:18:25.480 --> 0:18:29.480 I'm ways for you. Yeah. But like I said, God 0:18:29.520 --> 0:18:32.639 brought maybe Paul to us two months before Zach left. 0:18:32.840 --> 0:18:37.080 And I don't have the luxury of having a mental 0:18:37.119 --> 0:18:41.359 breakdown like I would like to. I really would like 0:18:41.440 --> 0:18:43.479 to just stay in bed and pull the covers up 0:18:43.560 --> 0:18:48.200 over my head and and stay there. But I got 0:18:48.240 --> 0:18:50.240 a baby, I got a nine year old, I got 0:18:50.240 --> 0:18:53.320 a fourteen year old. I've got rally practice to get 0:18:53.359 --> 0:18:57.560 him to and dental appointments. And my fourteen year old 0:18:57.680 --> 0:19:00.159 is the vice president of her class this year, so 0:19:00.280 --> 0:19:03.639 she's got all these activities and things she has to 0:19:03.760 --> 0:19:08.639 organize and events, and you know, God's like, Nope, you 0:19:08.680 --> 0:19:11.760 don't get to you don't get to do sheet therapy. Delighted. 0:19:12.119 --> 0:19:15.200 You gotta you gotta keep moving, You gotta keep going. 0:19:16.440 --> 0:19:19.719 And you know, like like your baby was for you, 0:19:19.720 --> 0:19:22.280 you you can't stay in bed when there's a baby 0:19:22.320 --> 0:19:26.960 that needs a dip or changed. My feeling of gratitude 0:19:28.200 --> 0:19:31.000 is so big. I know you can read it in 0:19:31.000 --> 0:19:34.440 the book and stuff, But the truth is I have 0:19:34.680 --> 0:19:37.600 some sort of thing inside of me, like a rewiring 0:19:37.640 --> 0:19:40.359 that doesn't let me feel. I can only see the 0:19:40.440 --> 0:19:45.040 good and um, and so I find myself just just 0:19:45.640 --> 0:19:48.560 remembering and thinking of the good and asking no questions. 0:19:48.720 --> 0:19:51.840 I just want to be an encouragement to you, because 0:19:52.440 --> 0:19:54.320 you have a lot on your plate. For me, there's 0:19:54.320 --> 0:19:58.720 just gotta be some way that in some bigger picture scheme, 0:20:00.040 --> 0:20:03.200 this is, This is the story it's supposed to be, 0:20:03.760 --> 0:20:07.840 And who knows how or why. I can't help but 0:20:08.000 --> 0:20:14.120 believe that that there has to be good, even though 0:20:14.359 --> 0:20:18.840 there is it's hard to see. You said something uh 0:20:19.000 --> 0:20:21.320 in your book, and you said it in this conversation 0:20:21.359 --> 0:20:25.280 about how blessed you were to have shared a love 0:20:25.359 --> 0:20:28.840 like you shared with your wife, and as hard as 0:20:28.840 --> 0:20:33.080 it is. I love to be a news book like 0:20:33.200 --> 0:20:37.600 your music. You know, when music is playing and it's throbbing, 0:20:37.760 --> 0:20:42.720 and and then it's silent. When music fills up a 0:20:42.800 --> 0:20:46.600 room or fills up a stadium, or fills up your headphones, 0:20:46.880 --> 0:20:51.919 and then it's silent, it's such a huge void. And 0:20:52.000 --> 0:20:57.399 he was, he was a big song. Mm hmm. I 0:20:57.400 --> 0:21:00.239 think that's the that's where the power is is if 0:21:00.240 --> 0:21:03.199 you could really, you could really really really hang on 0:21:03.240 --> 0:21:08.040 to that. And I think that's what maybe, well, that's 0:21:08.200 --> 0:21:12.159 really probably why in my first book, I had to 0:21:12.160 --> 0:21:15.359 be able to tell and share what a mess of 0:21:15.440 --> 0:21:18.640 my life that I had made for so many years. 0:21:18.720 --> 0:21:21.199 Did a really good job of it, of telling the 0:21:21.280 --> 0:21:25.480 story and of making a mess, Yeah, for sure. But 0:21:25.640 --> 0:21:29.200 the thing is is that if I don't tell that, 0:21:29.359 --> 0:21:33.440 if I don't remind myself even of that, I could 0:21:33.480 --> 0:21:37.640 feel like I'm robbed. You know, other people could they 0:21:37.680 --> 0:21:40.639 get to be married thirty years or whatever it happens 0:21:40.680 --> 0:21:43.320 to me, they get they get a lifetime of love together. 0:21:44.280 --> 0:21:47.520 But if I'm true, if I tell the truth, I 0:21:47.520 --> 0:21:51.520 I don't think I deserved what I got. So it 0:21:51.640 --> 0:21:55.560 really isn't fair for me to say even though I 0:21:55.600 --> 0:22:00.920 got fourteen years with Joey, with someone who so special 0:22:01.320 --> 0:22:04.200 and a light like I've never seen before and I've 0:22:04.240 --> 0:22:08.440 probably never seen again, it doesn't seem right for me 0:22:08.720 --> 0:22:11.520 to be upset that I didn't get more. So I 0:22:11.600 --> 0:22:15.000 only bask in the in the amount I got, and 0:22:15.040 --> 0:22:17.560 I carry it with me. Even though a big voice 0:22:18.160 --> 0:22:21.200 has been silenced, I don't really see it that way. 0:22:21.280 --> 0:22:25.440 You know, her My voice is her voice. She's inside 0:22:25.480 --> 0:22:29.480 of me. She's helping me make choices, she's helping me 0:22:29.600 --> 0:22:33.120 when I'm seeing on stage. It's because of her that 0:22:33.200 --> 0:22:35.199 I get to be here or that where you and 0:22:35.240 --> 0:22:38.679 I are even talking because of her. It really is 0:22:38.720 --> 0:22:43.840 because of her. And so she still lives, you know, 0:22:44.080 --> 0:22:49.280 in a million gazillion ways, and there's there's something about 0:22:49.320 --> 0:22:52.600 that that makes a big difference to me. And just 0:22:52.600 --> 0:22:57.800 just being able to concentrate on the fact that I 0:22:57.800 --> 0:23:00.199 am so fortunate to have had any of it. So 0:23:00.280 --> 0:23:03.440 I just want to bask in that and tell everybody 0:23:03.640 --> 0:23:05.720 it's possible to have it, even if it's for a 0:23:05.760 --> 0:23:10.359 short time. I just feel so grateful. And then even 0:23:10.440 --> 0:23:13.240 with a little one, it isn't that, it isn't that 0:23:13.560 --> 0:23:16.679 I don't have time to have a mental breakdown. I 0:23:16.720 --> 0:23:19.240 don't have a reason to have a mental breakdown. I have. 0:23:20.280 --> 0:23:23.960 I have the most amazing gift in front of me, 0:23:24.240 --> 0:23:27.240 all of it. It's so amazing, like I get to 0:23:27.280 --> 0:23:30.760 have purpose, even if it's just that one, and I 0:23:30.800 --> 0:23:33.440 got lots of them, as you do. I don't know 0:23:34.400 --> 0:23:37.960 how to look at it. It's just like it's all 0:23:38.480 --> 0:23:41.240 the good just stares me in the face all the time, 0:23:41.280 --> 0:23:45.400 and I can't see anything else. Doesn't mean that, especially 0:23:45.400 --> 0:23:50.320 with songs and scenes from a movie, or something will happen, 0:23:50.840 --> 0:23:54.040 or I'll read something and it'll just I'll just take 0:23:54.040 --> 0:23:56.480 my breath away and it'll just come right back up again. 0:23:57.000 --> 0:24:01.000 I'll think about Joey, and I'll think about how I 0:24:01.080 --> 0:24:03.320 wish that she were here with me, or how I 0:24:03.359 --> 0:24:05.960 wish she were here and I wasn't if someone had 0:24:06.000 --> 0:24:08.600 to go, or I wish she could be here with 0:24:08.640 --> 0:24:12.720 me at these beautiful moments with Indiana or these challenging moments. 0:24:13.240 --> 0:24:16.840 But that doesn't that doesn't last long. That just reminds 0:24:16.960 --> 0:24:20.400 me that I loved her deeply and that she's still 0:24:20.480 --> 0:24:23.639