1 00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:07,840 Speaker 1: Ah springtime eight years. Spring marks the renewal of life, 2 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:11,880 Speaker 1: with flowers blossoming in warmer weather. It also marks the 3 00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:15,280 Speaker 1: beginning of wedding season, a traditionally six month long period 4 00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:25,640 Speaker 1: when everyone and your brother decides to get married. In 5 00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:29,160 Speaker 1: your twenties and thirties, wedding season can be overwhelming. There 6 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:34,000 Speaker 1: are wedding invites, shower gifts, and bachelorette parties demanding your 7 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:37,839 Speaker 1: time and money every other weekend. According to a report 8 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:41,120 Speaker 1: conducted by The Wedding Report, there were an estimated two 9 00:00:41,159 --> 00:00:44,560 Speaker 1: point five million weddings that took place in twenty twenty two, 10 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:48,600 Speaker 1: and according to the website bank Rate, nearly thirty eight 11 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:51,839 Speaker 1: percent of millennials and thirty seven percent of gen zers 12 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:55,240 Speaker 1: in the US plan on attending or have already attended 13 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:58,520 Speaker 1: one wedding this year, and twenty three percent of gen 14 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:00,720 Speaker 1: zers and twenty two percent of the line as planet 15 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:04,360 Speaker 1: attending multiple weddings this year. That's a lot of cake 16 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:09,000 Speaker 1: and flowers. Weddings are one of the oldest social traditions 17 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:12,440 Speaker 1: in which so many of us still participate, and because 18 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:16,160 Speaker 1: people have been getting married and hosting weddings for hundreds 19 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:19,479 Speaker 1: and thousands of years, they can be fraught with unsaid 20 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:23,920 Speaker 1: conventions and rules and expectations. And while many of those 21 00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:28,160 Speaker 1: codes and standards have evolved or altogether disappeared, others have 22 00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:31,280 Speaker 1: popped up in their place. So, with all these rules 23 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:33,880 Speaker 1: around weddings, as a guest, how do you know what's 24 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:36,200 Speaker 1: acceptable and what's not? I mean, how do you know 25 00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:38,640 Speaker 1: if you have a plus one? And will somebody please 26 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:42,800 Speaker 1: explain to me what black tie optional really means? Hey, 27 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:46,560 Speaker 1: I'm Molly, and I'm a podcast producer and mediocre millennial, 28 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:48,760 Speaker 1: just trying the best you can to figure out how 29 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:51,440 Speaker 1: to be a more responsible adult and better human one 30 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:53,840 Speaker 1: day at a time. Along with my colleague. 31 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:55,560 Speaker 2: Matt, Welcome back, friends, we're going to. 32 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:57,240 Speaker 1: Learn about all the things we wish we're in a 33 00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:00,760 Speaker 1: guidebook about how to be an actual adult. Start taking 34 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:09,560 Speaker 1: notes because this is so Matt. Today, we're digging into 35 00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:13,720 Speaker 1: wedding guests etiquette, and I'm truly excited to talk about 36 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:17,160 Speaker 1: this topic because, as I mentioned earlier, there are so 37 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:21,480 Speaker 1: many expectations for not only the couple who's getting married 38 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:25,320 Speaker 1: and their wedding party, but there are equally as many 39 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:29,800 Speaker 1: expectations for their guests and how they should be conducting themselves, 40 00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:33,280 Speaker 1: and I have been operating under the same rules that 41 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:36,360 Speaker 1: my older siblings and parents have told me, because I 42 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:39,120 Speaker 1: was clueless when I got my first wedding invite. But 43 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:45,520 Speaker 1: then there are others I have just absolutely no idea about. Now, Matt, 44 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:49,080 Speaker 1: you're a married man, yes, and you had a beautiful, small, 45 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:49,960 Speaker 1: intimate wedding. 46 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:50,640 Speaker 2: I did. 47 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:53,639 Speaker 1: But I'm wondering if you remember your very first wedding 48 00:02:53,639 --> 00:02:55,000 Speaker 1: that you were ever invited to. 49 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:57,040 Speaker 2: Oh, I was a child. 50 00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:00,359 Speaker 3: I was a legitimate child, and I I didn't know 51 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,520 Speaker 3: anything and I was just following my parents around. But 52 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:04,720 Speaker 3: you know, for the longest time, I had no money, 53 00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:06,359 Speaker 3: and I would go to the weddings that I felt 54 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:07,720 Speaker 3: like I could go to, and I would show up 55 00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:09,600 Speaker 3: and be like, surprise, I'm your gift. 56 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:13,880 Speaker 1: So wait, you wouldn't get them anything. You were invited 57 00:03:13,919 --> 00:03:15,040 Speaker 1: to the wedding, right, Max, I. 58 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,679 Speaker 3: Was, no, I was invited to the wedding. I guess 59 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:18,920 Speaker 3: I just kind of felt like, what I can afford 60 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,720 Speaker 3: is me being here, and you'd rather like see me 61 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:26,200 Speaker 3: than get a gift, right. So yeah, But thank god 62 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,520 Speaker 3: that I got married, because I've been to so many 63 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:31,440 Speaker 3: weddings now with my wife, and she's like, we're getting 64 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:32,840 Speaker 3: them a gift, you psycho. 65 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:36,480 Speaker 2: So it's a lot better now. 66 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,120 Speaker 3: I've learned a lot from her, But I am very 67 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:42,480 Speaker 3: excited to learn a bit more about the proper wedding 68 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:44,960 Speaker 3: guest etiquette so I can really look back on my 69 00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:46,800 Speaker 3: past and see how it's terrible I've been. 70 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:49,200 Speaker 1: Oh, I'm sure that there are going to be so 71 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:52,400 Speaker 1: many things that I have just royally screwed up on. 72 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,840 Speaker 1: I also think that RSVP cards are super confusing. There 73 00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:58,440 Speaker 1: needs to be a more clear RSVP card situation. 74 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:01,200 Speaker 3: Yeah, maybe multiple chol This shouldn't be a fill in 75 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,280 Speaker 3: the blank situation multiple choice. 76 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:04,960 Speaker 1: It should be like or they should like if you 77 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:07,840 Speaker 1: don't have a plus one, just like cross out the 78 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:10,400 Speaker 1: like how many guests are coming because you already know 79 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:11,280 Speaker 1: it's just gonna be me. 80 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,360 Speaker 3: Or get specific with Mark, you're not bringing Jenny, No 81 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:19,359 Speaker 3: one likes her, Okay, specifically not coming, Like, get specific 82 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:20,359 Speaker 3: with it, is all I'm trying to. 83 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:23,960 Speaker 1: Say, Yeah, exactly, Hopefully we'll get it all figured out. 84 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:25,080 Speaker 2: Let's get to it. 85 00:04:27,279 --> 00:04:30,799 Speaker 1: Since we're discussing the etiquette of being a wedding guest 86 00:04:30,839 --> 00:04:33,560 Speaker 1: on this episode, we thought there's no one better to 87 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,800 Speaker 1: discuss etiquette with us than Lizzie Post. 88 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,479 Speaker 4: My name is Lizzie Post, and I am a co 89 00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:42,200 Speaker 4: president at the Emily Post Institute and a co author 90 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:45,480 Speaker 4: of Emily Posts Etiquette, the Centennial Edition. 91 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:49,880 Speaker 1: But Lizzie also has a familial connection to the og 92 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:51,200 Speaker 1: queen of etiquette. 93 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:53,400 Speaker 5: Emily was my great great grandmother. 94 00:04:54,279 --> 00:04:57,400 Speaker 1: Listen, I know what you're thinking. Sure, we know Emily 95 00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,520 Speaker 1: Post had a ton of etiquette rules, but does that 96 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:03,320 Speaker 1: actually apply to today's modern weddings and standards? And the 97 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:07,119 Speaker 1: answer is yes. At the core, Emily's methodology is based 98 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:13,760 Speaker 1: on three major tenants consideration, respect, and honesty. So let's 99 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:17,960 Speaker 1: start from the very beginning. We receive the wedding invitations. 100 00:05:18,279 --> 00:05:21,520 Speaker 1: I think the biggest thing here is depending on what 101 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:23,880 Speaker 1: age you are, you could be getting a lot of 102 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:24,960 Speaker 1: wedding invitations. 103 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:26,320 Speaker 5: That's true, yep. 104 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:29,000 Speaker 1: And I think the first question is how do you 105 00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:32,440 Speaker 1: decide which ones you actually should be going to and 106 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:33,760 Speaker 1: which ones you can decline? 107 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:36,360 Speaker 4: There's going to be the ones that you really want 108 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,760 Speaker 4: to go to. Maybe it's your best friend or a 109 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:41,480 Speaker 4: cousin that you grew up with, someone like that. You know, 110 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:43,919 Speaker 4: the people that you're really close to. And then this 111 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:47,160 Speaker 4: is true especially as you get older you start ending 112 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:49,520 Speaker 4: up on wedding lists where maybe it's a more distant 113 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:52,240 Speaker 4: connection a business relationship. 114 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:52,400 Speaker 5: Or something like that. 115 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:56,040 Speaker 4: But I think that it's worthwhile taking a look at 116 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:59,520 Speaker 4: each invitation that you get and really assessing aid do 117 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:02,160 Speaker 4: I want to go? B does it work timing wise? 118 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:05,359 Speaker 4: And then see can I afford to go? So I 119 00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,400 Speaker 4: kind of put it through that filter because I do 120 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:11,400 Speaker 4: think socially we get to determine whether we want to 121 00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:12,760 Speaker 4: attend things or not. 122 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:15,800 Speaker 1: So I want to also talk about the importance of 123 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:19,599 Speaker 1: rsvping in a timely manner because those rsups always have 124 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:22,480 Speaker 1: a due date, if you will. So for the person 125 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:26,360 Speaker 1: who is notoriously late with their RSVPs, I admittedly sometimes 126 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:30,719 Speaker 1: forget about the RSVP, and that's awful, but shed a 127 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:32,640 Speaker 1: little bit of light for us. I'm like, what kind 128 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:35,400 Speaker 1: of wrench are we throwing into the plans of the 129 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:39,919 Speaker 1: happy couple when we do not RSVP in a timely manner. 130 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,680 Speaker 4: So I do not want you to feel shamed by 131 00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:47,839 Speaker 4: this at all. The RSVP is critical. It is such 132 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:50,760 Speaker 4: a point of politeness towards a host. It lets the 133 00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:55,039 Speaker 4: host know if you're coming. Rsvping is simply responding, and 134 00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:58,400 Speaker 4: it's important that we actually respond. Someone has invited you 135 00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:03,039 Speaker 4: to a large, formal, significant event. Someone is actually inviting 136 00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:08,799 Speaker 4: you to something very generous where a lot of attention, planning, detail, 137 00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:12,000 Speaker 4: and in some cases expense is going to go into 138 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:15,480 Speaker 4: it for your benefit. The least you could do is 139 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:17,200 Speaker 4: tell them if you're going to show up. I mean, 140 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:20,720 Speaker 4: this is like small potatoes here, folks. Whether you receive 141 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:23,600 Speaker 4: a digital RSVP so a link to go to a 142 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:27,000 Speaker 4: wedding website, or whether you get a reply card in 143 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:31,880 Speaker 4: with a handmailed invitation doesn't matter. You still have to RSVP. 144 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:35,960 Speaker 4: And in fact, if you haven't RSVP'd, I would consider 145 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:38,760 Speaker 4: not showing up because it effectively says I'm not coming. 146 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,320 Speaker 4: You don't want to leave your host in the position 147 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,119 Speaker 4: to assume that you're not coming just because you haven't 148 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:47,640 Speaker 4: responded at all. You're also forcing the host to now 149 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:49,720 Speaker 4: put you on a follow up list if they are 150 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:52,840 Speaker 4: going to follow up on RSVPs and actually take the 151 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:54,960 Speaker 4: time to track you down and get an answer from 152 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:58,400 Speaker 4: this very nice invitation that you've issued them. So all 153 00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:01,320 Speaker 4: of those reasons are why kind of like your host 154 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:04,239 Speaker 4: needs a head count. They need to know who's coming 155 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:06,400 Speaker 4: so that they know who can plan make it easy 156 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:10,440 Speaker 4: on them. Weddings, we typically have a decent amount of 157 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:13,720 Speaker 4: time to RSVP buy, and I suggest that all wedding 158 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:17,119 Speaker 4: hosts make sure that they include an RSVP by date 159 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,440 Speaker 4: because in general, you're going to have a couple of 160 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:22,640 Speaker 4: months to figure this out, so you're going to have 161 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:25,520 Speaker 4: some time. Pay attention to that date, pop it right 162 00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:28,520 Speaker 4: into your calendar. Make sure that you put then a 163 00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:30,800 Speaker 4: reminder a couple weeks ahead of time to sort out 164 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:34,880 Speaker 4: things like if your spouse and kids have been invited 165 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,640 Speaker 4: to are they coming or is your. 166 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:38,040 Speaker 5: Spouse going to stay home with the kids. 167 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,120 Speaker 4: You got to figure these things out, and in your 168 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:43,160 Speaker 4: reply you need to be able to communicate what you 169 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,120 Speaker 4: really want to watch out for in that particular moment 170 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:47,680 Speaker 4: is who's truly being invited. You don't want to send 171 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:50,440 Speaker 4: a reply that says my kids are coming when your 172 00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:52,280 Speaker 4: kids have not been invited. 173 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:58,440 Speaker 1: Noted, So don't be a dick and make the couple's 174 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:01,160 Speaker 1: life more hectic while they're all already planning a giant 175 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,559 Speaker 1: party and the rest of their lives together. Those RSVPs 176 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:08,559 Speaker 1: are important, so let's all now make a vow together 177 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:12,680 Speaker 1: to make sure we send those RSVPs in before their deadline. 178 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:16,560 Speaker 1: When Lizzie mentioned figuring out who is actually included on 179 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:20,360 Speaker 1: the invitation, it got me thinking about plus ones. I've 180 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:23,959 Speaker 1: always felt like there was some secret code in determining 181 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,440 Speaker 1: whether or not you had a plus one to a wedding, 182 00:09:26,679 --> 00:09:29,200 Speaker 1: and I remember vividly the first time I was given 183 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:31,559 Speaker 1: a plus one and thinking this is how I was 184 00:09:31,559 --> 00:09:34,400 Speaker 1: supposed to figure out I get a plus one. I 185 00:09:34,559 --> 00:09:37,880 Speaker 1: had to ask Lizzie about understanding the plus one coding 186 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:41,360 Speaker 1: on an invitation and whether or not it's ever okay 187 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,720 Speaker 1: to ask your hosts for a plus one if you 188 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:45,200 Speaker 1: aren't originally given one. 189 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:50,760 Speaker 4: Typically, folks who are independent will receive an invitation just 190 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:52,520 Speaker 4: with their name on it, and then on an inner 191 00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:56,000 Speaker 4: envelope it'll say and guest, and that is how you 192 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,679 Speaker 4: know you have a plus one. You do not have 193 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:01,640 Speaker 4: a plus one if it is not indicated anywhere on 194 00:10:01,679 --> 00:10:04,480 Speaker 4: the invitation. It is perfectly common to be invited to 195 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,360 Speaker 4: weddings without plus ones. There is often a good chance 196 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:10,360 Speaker 4: there will be people you know, and sometimes even people 197 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,560 Speaker 4: for you to meet, and so it's really important that 198 00:10:13,559 --> 00:10:16,240 Speaker 4: people know that you don't automatically get a plus one 199 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:16,920 Speaker 4: if you're single. 200 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:20,120 Speaker 1: Yes, because all of the RSVP cards are often the 201 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:22,280 Speaker 1: same where it has a little slot of like how 202 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:24,199 Speaker 1: many guests attending. Like you said, if you're part of 203 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,840 Speaker 1: a couple and both of you have been invited and 204 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:28,319 Speaker 1: you had to say one of us is coming and 205 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,040 Speaker 1: the other one's staying home with the kids, kind of 206 00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,559 Speaker 1: that situation, yeah, Or if you've been given a plus one, 207 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,240 Speaker 1: so that they know if you are bringing your plus 208 00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:34,640 Speaker 1: one or not. 209 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:37,160 Speaker 4: I will say, though this is the place to write 210 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:40,319 Speaker 4: in any dietary restrictions or allergies, just make a little 211 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,080 Speaker 4: note that says, I just want to let you know 212 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:45,400 Speaker 4: if it's helpful, I am allergic to peanuts and it's 213 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:48,600 Speaker 4: a cross contamination allergy, or I'm allergic to gluten and 214 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:51,120 Speaker 4: it is a cross contamination allergy, that kind of thing. 215 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:54,120 Speaker 4: I think that at an event this big, you don't 216 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,720 Speaker 4: have to like offer to bring your own dish, but 217 00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:59,800 Speaker 4: I would expect the host if there was going to 218 00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:02,679 Speaker 4: be an issue in terms of like cross contamination allergies, 219 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:05,760 Speaker 4: to talk with the caterer and talk with you about 220 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:08,120 Speaker 4: that so that y'all can figure out a safe option 221 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,400 Speaker 4: for you and just as someone if you've got those 222 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:13,400 Speaker 4: cross contamination allergies, you're probably pretty used to having to 223 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:16,760 Speaker 4: negotiate things so that you don't get sick when you 224 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:17,520 Speaker 4: go to something. 225 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:21,320 Speaker 1: Is there an appropriate way ever to ask for plus 226 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:22,679 Speaker 1: one if you're in that situation? 227 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:27,079 Speaker 4: Not really asking to bring an extra guest isn't typically 228 00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:29,200 Speaker 4: something you want to put yourself in the position of 229 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,520 Speaker 4: doing or put the host in the position of doing. 230 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:35,480 Speaker 4: It's one thing if long term partner, well established couple, 231 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,560 Speaker 4: and the person was left off the invitation and be like, 232 00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:42,720 Speaker 4: I just want to check my spouse. They are invited, right, Honestly, 233 00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:45,079 Speaker 4: the real answer here, in my opinion, is don't take 234 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:48,320 Speaker 4: it personally and recognize that timing is what's going on here. 235 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,920 Speaker 4: I don't think any couple is obligated to invite a 236 00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,800 Speaker 4: partner who's only been in the picture for a few 237 00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:56,920 Speaker 4: weeks or a month, or maybe even a few months. 238 00:11:57,559 --> 00:11:59,520 Speaker 4: We talk about it being that the people who you're 239 00:11:59,559 --> 00:12:04,720 Speaker 4: obligated to invite our long term established partners so don't 240 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:07,000 Speaker 4: have to be married, and in some cases don't even 241 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,199 Speaker 4: have to be living together, which is really one of 242 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,920 Speaker 4: the bigger, bigger things that gets both names on the 243 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:14,839 Speaker 4: same envelope obviously because it goes to the same house then, 244 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:18,240 Speaker 4: but yeah, you can't take it personally. If your relationship 245 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,680 Speaker 4: is new. There's no way for that couple to have 246 00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:23,040 Speaker 4: been able to predict whether this person was going to 247 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:24,599 Speaker 4: be the love of your life that you're going to 248 00:12:24,679 --> 00:12:27,880 Speaker 4: marry and be with for the rest of eternity, or 249 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,800 Speaker 4: whether they were going to be the jerk you're crying 250 00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:30,600 Speaker 4: about three. 251 00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:32,120 Speaker 5: Days later, you know what I mean. 252 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,440 Speaker 4: It's like that, and so just little reality check on 253 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:38,440 Speaker 4: our own lives. It's exciting to think about going to 254 00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:41,120 Speaker 4: a wedding with a new partner. It can definitely give 255 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:43,640 Speaker 4: you all the feels, but that's not what the day 256 00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:45,840 Speaker 4: is about. The day's about the couple who's getting married. 257 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:49,200 Speaker 1: When we're talking about wedding invites, there are other invitations 258 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:52,400 Speaker 1: once you've been invited to the wedding that might also 259 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,440 Speaker 1: come along. But if you're invited to the wedding, should 260 00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:58,600 Speaker 1: you assume you've been invited to the bridal shower or 261 00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:01,920 Speaker 1: the shower or the bachelor bachelorette party. 262 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,679 Speaker 4: No, if you've been invited to the wedding. You've been 263 00:13:04,679 --> 00:13:07,360 Speaker 4: invited to the wedding that doesn't include the rehearsal, dinner, 264 00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:09,760 Speaker 4: or any of the other parties, just the wedding, when 265 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:13,600 Speaker 4: typically it includes the ceremony and the reception, although there 266 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:17,679 Speaker 4: are some houses of worship that don't allow non worshippers 267 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:20,560 Speaker 4: and so there are some circumstances where you might be 268 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,120 Speaker 4: invited to one but not the other. 269 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:29,200 Speaker 1: That's really good to know. Invitations tell us more than 270 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:32,040 Speaker 1: just what we're eating and who we're bringing or not bringing. 271 00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,400 Speaker 1: They can also indicate what kind of a tire is 272 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:38,400 Speaker 1: expected for this shindig. Is it cocktail, is it dressy casual? 273 00:13:38,679 --> 00:13:42,160 Speaker 1: Maybe it's formal, or perhaps it's black tide. I asked 274 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,640 Speaker 1: Lizzie to unpack some of the most common dress codes 275 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:47,800 Speaker 1: for weddings and to help us understand what is most 276 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:51,200 Speaker 1: appropriate for us to wear. Plus, I was dying to 277 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,520 Speaker 1: get her thoughts on what I think is a very 278 00:13:53,559 --> 00:13:58,400 Speaker 1: important wedding attire faux pa. So this came up recently 279 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:00,679 Speaker 1: at a friend's wedding and I want to know your 280 00:14:00,679 --> 00:14:03,880 Speaker 1: thoughts on this. Is it ever appropriate to wear an 281 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,760 Speaker 1: all white outfit to a wedding if you are not 282 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:07,800 Speaker 1: in the wedding party. 283 00:14:08,559 --> 00:14:11,040 Speaker 4: So it can be appropriate if you've been instructed to, 284 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:14,360 Speaker 4: if it hasn't been an instruction, I would not do it. 285 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,199 Speaker 4: I personally wouldn't even do it with a white suit 286 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:19,800 Speaker 4: these days that I think twenty years ago would have 287 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:23,640 Speaker 4: been much more appropriate, But I don't think that would 288 00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:27,360 Speaker 4: be appropriate today. White is such a wedding color. I 289 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:31,320 Speaker 4: don't think I would risk the faux pas in order 290 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,880 Speaker 4: to wear an outfit. I would pick something else that 291 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:35,120 Speaker 4: looks just as great on me. 292 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:39,360 Speaker 1: Yeah. I recently went to a the dress was casual 293 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:45,520 Speaker 1: and somebody showed up in a completely white like I'm 294 00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:47,960 Speaker 1: not talking white pattern with a pattern on it. I'm 295 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:53,400 Speaker 1: talking just straight up white linen dress, not even a suit, 296 00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:56,040 Speaker 1: a dress, a dress, and they were not in the 297 00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:57,240 Speaker 1: wedding party or anything. 298 00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:01,440 Speaker 4: So I am with you that that would have shocked me. Yeah, 299 00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:04,400 Speaker 4: so I wouldn't recommend it, is how I would say it. 300 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,920 Speaker 4: I would wait until I know for certain, and personally, 301 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,720 Speaker 4: I wouldn't even do the thing where I would just 302 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:14,200 Speaker 4: wear a casual, very obviously not wedding dress white dress 303 00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:16,440 Speaker 4: to a wedding. I just I think it's better to 304 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,080 Speaker 4: just let that be where it is and shine that 305 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,280 Speaker 4: light in the direction it is on the couple, you know. 306 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:28,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, So, unless you were invited to Beyonce and jay 307 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:31,520 Speaker 1: Z's wedding where the couple specifically asked their guests to 308 00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:34,840 Speaker 1: come dressed in white, just don't do it. But there 309 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:37,760 Speaker 1: are a lot of different types of dress codes, and 310 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:42,160 Speaker 1: like Beyonce, people are constantly inventing new dress codes or 311 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:44,400 Speaker 1: attire requirements for their weddings. 312 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:45,280 Speaker 2: Tell me about it. 313 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,080 Speaker 3: I've been invited to three weddings that have all had 314 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:51,640 Speaker 3: California Coastal as the address attire, and like, what does 315 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:52,440 Speaker 3: that even mean? 316 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:56,680 Speaker 1: Oh, California Coastal. That is a good one. But for 317 00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:58,280 Speaker 1: the sake of brevity, let's just stick to some of 318 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,440 Speaker 1: the most common ones for now, starting with what are 319 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:02,280 Speaker 1: we supposed to wear for a black tie wedding? 320 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:05,720 Speaker 4: So for black tie, we're either in black or a 321 00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:09,360 Speaker 4: midnight navy tuxedo jacket and trousers. You're either going to 322 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:12,040 Speaker 4: have a wing or a regular collar white formal shirt. 323 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:14,800 Speaker 4: It might be fly or it might be a stud front. 324 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:18,160 Speaker 4: There's also like a pleated and bibbed front. This is 325 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,400 Speaker 4: where you're gonna pull out your classic black bow tie. 326 00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:23,400 Speaker 4: You will have braces or you could wear suspenders. You 327 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:25,440 Speaker 4: might have a vest. If you wear a vest, you 328 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,120 Speaker 4: do not also wear a cummer bun. 329 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,479 Speaker 5: You don't wear everything with this attires. 330 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:32,480 Speaker 4: Sometimes it's like some things go with other things and 331 00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:34,480 Speaker 4: you would not wear the vest and cummer bun together. 332 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,920 Speaker 5: Couplings are studs a cummer bun. 333 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:38,920 Speaker 4: If you're not wearing the vest and the coummer bun 334 00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,440 Speaker 4: should really be matching your bow tie. This is where 335 00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:43,560 Speaker 4: if you choose to wear a tux, you can have 336 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,280 Speaker 4: a lot of fun. It's also where if you get 337 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,800 Speaker 4: the designation creative black tie, this would be a. 338 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:49,560 Speaker 5: Place to play. 339 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:53,880 Speaker 4: Is your commer bun and your bow tie combos. If 340 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:56,840 Speaker 4: we're not going for the tucks, then we're going to 341 00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:00,320 Speaker 4: be in a floor length gown. Materials should really reflect 342 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:03,880 Speaker 4: the occasion, so not a jersey knit, but something that's 343 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:05,320 Speaker 4: going to be a little more luxurious. 344 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,840 Speaker 1: So we're talking silk, satins, velvets. 345 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:13,159 Speaker 4: Yes, absolutely, you want this to be special and noticeable, 346 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:15,199 Speaker 4: like not so much that you're going to take attention 347 00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:17,679 Speaker 4: away from the couple, and especially not a bride. If 348 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:20,240 Speaker 4: a bride is involved in the wedding. But it's important 349 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:23,600 Speaker 4: that this dress be formal looking. It doesn't look like 350 00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:27,159 Speaker 4: a beach summer MAXI dress. It looks like a gown. 351 00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,000 Speaker 4: It looks like some of the stuff you might watch 352 00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:31,320 Speaker 4: on that Oscar night, you know what I mean, like 353 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,400 Speaker 4: or some of the simple stuff from the Oscar Night. 354 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:38,399 Speaker 1: This is Matt Gala Oscars. Yeah, talking black tie. Also, 355 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,840 Speaker 1: you mentioned black tie creative or also known as I 356 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:43,439 Speaker 1: think you guys reference it as festive too, right. 357 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:46,680 Speaker 4: Can be Yeah, festive I think can sometimes be a 358 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:50,439 Speaker 4: harder word. I think sometimes it can unfortunately lead people 359 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:53,480 Speaker 4: to head down I think harmful stereotype roads. And so 360 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:56,560 Speaker 4: you want to be really careful with festive, especially that 361 00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:59,919 Speaker 4: you're not sort of, you know, dipping into the cultural appropriations. 362 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:02,720 Speaker 5: But festive is often. 363 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:05,200 Speaker 4: The other word we see used in getting people to 364 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:08,280 Speaker 4: kind of go creative with their black tie, and so 365 00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:10,399 Speaker 4: that's why it ends up there. But and for those 366 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:13,200 Speaker 4: two you could wear anything in the black tie category 367 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:15,280 Speaker 4: and then play into the theme. 368 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,480 Speaker 1: Got it, Okay, So when we see festive, we should 369 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:22,240 Speaker 1: assume like black tie creative, like black tie level of formality, 370 00:18:22,359 --> 00:18:24,920 Speaker 1: but have fun with it play within the color. 371 00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:27,520 Speaker 5: And design absolutely absolutely. 372 00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:29,879 Speaker 1: Okay, So this is the trickiest one. I think that 373 00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:33,240 Speaker 1: people see a lot. Okay, black tie optional. 374 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:34,760 Speaker 5: Ah. 375 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:39,040 Speaker 4: Yes, So if someone says black tie optional and you're 376 00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:42,159 Speaker 4: feeling like dressing up, you go for it. Just know 377 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:45,280 Speaker 4: you might be the only person dressed that way. Yeah. 378 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:47,120 Speaker 5: But I say, if it's. 379 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:49,080 Speaker 4: Put on there and you want to lean in, lean in, 380 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,119 Speaker 4: there's nothing wrong with it. If you don't feel like 381 00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:54,320 Speaker 4: going black tie, then in that case I would go 382 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:58,040 Speaker 4: with a very fancy version of your semi formal. So 383 00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:02,080 Speaker 4: I'm not again wearing a jersey knit version of a 384 00:19:02,119 --> 00:19:05,600 Speaker 4: black cocktail dress with like a splashy colored scarf. I'm 385 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:09,880 Speaker 4: wearing the silk or the satin version of it. That's 386 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:13,040 Speaker 4: gonna be fancy and lovely and cut well, not like 387 00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:14,639 Speaker 4: a sun dress. 388 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:15,080 Speaker 5: You know what I mean? 389 00:19:15,359 --> 00:19:18,080 Speaker 1: Right? Yeah, Dak brings up an interesting point. I want 390 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:21,479 Speaker 1: to compare formal versus what we've talked about versus semi formal. 391 00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:24,240 Speaker 1: So when we just see formal, what does that mean 392 00:19:24,359 --> 00:19:26,040 Speaker 1: and how do we compare to what we've just talked 393 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:29,000 Speaker 1: about with black tie and how does it differ from 394 00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:29,679 Speaker 1: semi formal? 395 00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:34,480 Speaker 4: Okay, so when we're talking formal, we are talking that 396 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:39,680 Speaker 4: entire category of floor length, lux material. 397 00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:41,080 Speaker 5: Extras, you know. 398 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:45,080 Speaker 4: So it's not just a suit, it's, you know, a 399 00:19:45,119 --> 00:19:47,960 Speaker 4: suit specifically tailored in a certain way, with a specific 400 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:49,800 Speaker 4: type of bow tie and options for. 401 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,679 Speaker 5: Jewelry you know what I mean. Yeah, Like by jewelry, 402 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:53,600 Speaker 5: I mean like studs and. 403 00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:57,399 Speaker 1: Stuff where links, all that good stuff. 404 00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:00,800 Speaker 4: Semi Formal in that same category is likely going to 405 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:02,960 Speaker 4: be a suit. It could be a suit maybe without 406 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:07,960 Speaker 4: a tie. The formal side of semi formal goes together matches, 407 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:11,119 Speaker 4: is more of an outfit. The casual side of semi 408 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:16,159 Speaker 4: formal is the sport coat with the corduroy pants. The 409 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:19,160 Speaker 4: casual side of semi formal is still going to look 410 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,800 Speaker 4: pretty formal, but it might not be quite as put 411 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:25,360 Speaker 4: together as the formal side of semi formal. 412 00:20:26,119 --> 00:20:28,359 Speaker 1: Right, that makes so much sense? And then do you 413 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,800 Speaker 1: think cocktail tire fits into semi formal? 414 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:31,520 Speaker 2: Yes? 415 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:32,800 Speaker 5: Absolutely, I really do. 416 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:36,240 Speaker 4: Like if I'm wearing a dress, I'm thinking anything knee 417 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:37,080 Speaker 4: length or lower. 418 00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:40,879 Speaker 1: So let's quickly transition to dressy casual. So are we 419 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,240 Speaker 1: still wearing that sport coat or are we wearing slacks? 420 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,959 Speaker 1: Without sport coat and is dressy casual give us an 421 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:46,840 Speaker 1: invite for jeans. 422 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:48,760 Speaker 5: I think dressy casual. 423 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,520 Speaker 4: I'm wearing a sport coat or I'm wearing a very 424 00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:55,000 Speaker 4: nice sweater with my button down shirt and tie, you know. 425 00:20:55,119 --> 00:20:57,440 Speaker 4: So it's like, if I remove the dress coat, I'm 426 00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:01,000 Speaker 4: doing the most dressy version of the things without it. 427 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:02,320 Speaker 5: So I'm adding the tie. 428 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:04,639 Speaker 4: I've got it buttoned, you know, the shirt buttoned up 429 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,359 Speaker 4: all the way, and I have a very nice, like 430 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:11,560 Speaker 4: we're talking quality material, not pilled up sweater that I 431 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:14,440 Speaker 4: might be wearing. But that's even pushing it a little bit. 432 00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:18,000 Speaker 4: I like to say in this dressy casual category that 433 00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:20,000 Speaker 4: we're trying to get a jacket on us. 434 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:23,280 Speaker 1: That's good to note. What about jeans. Do jeans start 435 00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:24,520 Speaker 1: to sneak in at this level? 436 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:25,439 Speaker 5: They absolutely do. 437 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:28,960 Speaker 4: Dressy casual Definitely, you can wear a very nice We're 438 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:32,719 Speaker 4: not talking rips and tears or stained jeans. We're talking crisp, 439 00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:36,560 Speaker 4: clean looking jeans. They fit you like a glove. These 440 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:39,280 Speaker 4: have to look sharp. They got to look really really sharp. 441 00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:42,560 Speaker 4: These have to be your nicest, cleanest jeans that fit 442 00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:44,760 Speaker 4: you just absolutely flawlessly. 443 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:46,040 Speaker 1: Excellent. 444 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:50,760 Speaker 2: Grown up stuff, How to adult. 445 00:21:51,119 --> 00:21:54,360 Speaker 3: We'll be back after a quick break. 446 00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:04,919 Speaker 2: Welcome back to grown up stuff. How to Adult. 447 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:11,440 Speaker 1: The wedding is an age old tradition that dates back 448 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:15,080 Speaker 1: to more than four thousand years ago, and gifts seem 449 00:22:15,119 --> 00:22:17,199 Speaker 1: to have been a part of this process for nearly 450 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:21,520 Speaker 1: as long, from dowries and Renaissance marriage chests to the 451 00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:25,479 Speaker 1: first wedding registry. Gift giving for weddings has evolved a 452 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:29,480 Speaker 1: lot over the centuries, but the purpose is generally the same, 453 00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:32,920 Speaker 1: to give the newlywed couple something that will help them 454 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:36,400 Speaker 1: make a home together. So even if your attendance is optional, 455 00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:39,280 Speaker 1: sending a gift is not. However, that doesn't mean you're 456 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:41,520 Speaker 1: not without some agency in what you give. 457 00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:46,080 Speaker 4: If you decide not to attend, there's often an obligation, 458 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:49,919 Speaker 4: a traditional obligation, that you still send a gift that 459 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:53,280 Speaker 4: can be something small. We're wondering if in the future 460 00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:57,879 Speaker 4: that traditional rule will become more of just send a 461 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:00,480 Speaker 4: card if you're not going to attend for or the 462 00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:01,080 Speaker 4: reason that you. 463 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:01,760 Speaker 5: Started this with. 464 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:05,679 Speaker 4: When you get all those wedding invitations, you might be 465 00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:09,639 Speaker 4: receiving so many in certain years that you're not able 466 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:12,000 Speaker 4: to attend all of them. It used to be that 467 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:15,320 Speaker 4: people really invited people to weddings who were like within 468 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:18,920 Speaker 4: their immediate circle in their town that they lived in. 469 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:22,400 Speaker 4: Every wedding now is basically a destination wedding for some 470 00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:24,400 Speaker 4: of the guests, and I think that was a lot 471 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:27,320 Speaker 4: less true back in Emily's day. If people didn't live nearby, 472 00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:31,360 Speaker 4: or they weren't within your innermost family circle, they weren't invited. 473 00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:34,480 Speaker 4: You know, there was too far to obligate someone to 474 00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:36,720 Speaker 4: do that, to suggest to them that I would make 475 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:39,040 Speaker 4: them come this far just to see me get married. 476 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:43,399 Speaker 4: When it comes to saying no, there has been this 477 00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:48,600 Speaker 4: tradition that this invitation has been so big, even if 478 00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:51,320 Speaker 4: it's to a casual wedding, that the moment is so 479 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:57,200 Speaker 4: sentimental that you should honor the invitation by sending a gift. 480 00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:59,320 Speaker 4: Just the fact that this person wanting to invite you 481 00:23:59,359 --> 00:24:01,560 Speaker 4: to this moment is enough for you to send them 482 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:06,040 Speaker 4: a gift to say thank you with that and also congratulations. 483 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:09,000 Speaker 1: How much should you be spending on a wedding gift? 484 00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:12,040 Speaker 1: How do you determine the budget for that wedding gift? 485 00:24:12,359 --> 00:24:15,040 Speaker 4: So you determine that budget based on what you have 486 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:17,720 Speaker 4: extra to spend in your own budget or what you're 487 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:21,280 Speaker 4: willing to save to be able to spend money on 488 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:23,679 Speaker 4: a wedding gift for this person. And I'm not going 489 00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:26,080 Speaker 4: to tell someone you can't do that, or you have 490 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,760 Speaker 4: to meet this much of a like you have to 491 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:30,879 Speaker 4: have a fifty dollars minimum on a gift. That is 492 00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:33,880 Speaker 4: not an etiquette rule. It's also not an etiquette rule 493 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:36,480 Speaker 4: that you have to get someone something in the price 494 00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:38,640 Speaker 4: range that they got you for your wedding. 495 00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:41,720 Speaker 1: First of all, not everybody gets married, right. The other 496 00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:44,119 Speaker 1: thing I've heard is the pay for your plate kind 497 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:47,159 Speaker 1: of rule. You kind of guesstimate what they paid for 498 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:48,560 Speaker 1: your plate at the wedding. 499 00:24:49,119 --> 00:24:52,400 Speaker 4: From an Emily Post standpoint, that's not an etiquette rule. 500 00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:55,000 Speaker 4: We do never advise that you try to pay for 501 00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:57,600 Speaker 4: your plate. You don't know how much that plate cost, 502 00:24:57,640 --> 00:24:59,880 Speaker 4: and you shouldn't be asking your host how much they spent. 503 00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:05,919 Speaker 4: A Canadian tradition is that you actually let guests know 504 00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:09,199 Speaker 4: what the per plate cost is and they chip in 505 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:11,880 Speaker 4: on it. And that's like a thing that they've set 506 00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:13,600 Speaker 4: up as a standard and a norm. 507 00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:15,760 Speaker 5: And so that was. 508 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:19,600 Speaker 4: Like a whole new perspective on that for me, So 509 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:22,600 Speaker 4: we won't say it's bad idea, but it doesn't always 510 00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:26,440 Speaker 4: equate for people. And from an American perspective, we don't 511 00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:30,320 Speaker 4: typically try to find out that information in order to 512 00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:33,639 Speaker 4: go about like paying for a plate, in order to 513 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:36,119 Speaker 4: use that method as a method for figuring out how 514 00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:38,640 Speaker 4: much your gift should be. But I think that it's 515 00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:41,160 Speaker 4: really important that people stick within their budget. You should 516 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:43,920 Speaker 4: never feel pressured. And it's why we tell couples that 517 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,560 Speaker 4: when they register for gifts, which is very common, it 518 00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:50,040 Speaker 4: is not rude. This invitation comes with the obligation of 519 00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:53,320 Speaker 4: a gift, and that is why registering is okay. And 520 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:55,439 Speaker 4: the reason it comes with that obligation is because it 521 00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:57,960 Speaker 4: was supposed to be the most like significant event of 522 00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:00,240 Speaker 4: your life. And even though there are play many of 523 00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:02,639 Speaker 4: people who have been married and divorced multiple times in 524 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:04,920 Speaker 4: their life, the idea going in is it's a one 525 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:07,960 Speaker 4: time thing, you know, and so it is really special 526 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,520 Speaker 4: and it is a moment that we tend to honor 527 00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:13,159 Speaker 4: with and people want to honor with a gift. And 528 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:17,560 Speaker 4: so that's how that combination of wedding gift obligation and 529 00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:21,440 Speaker 4: okay to create a registry for it came together and 530 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:25,000 Speaker 4: with those registries, you do not have to buy anything 531 00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:27,600 Speaker 4: off a registry, and we tell couples they should really 532 00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:30,440 Speaker 4: make sure their registry has a very wide range of items, 533 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:34,639 Speaker 4: including things like below five dollars, where people can, if 534 00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:37,359 Speaker 4: they're lucky enough, they can pair up multiple five dollars things. 535 00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:40,400 Speaker 4: But you want to make everyone feel included. You don't 536 00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:42,080 Speaker 4: want to make them feel like, oh, the only thing 537 00:26:42,119 --> 00:26:44,720 Speaker 4: they can get you is a dish towel. By the way, 538 00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:46,840 Speaker 4: a set of lovely dish towels would be a lovely 539 00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:49,520 Speaker 4: wedding gift. Like let us not think that wedding gifts 540 00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:53,080 Speaker 4: have to be crystal and silver and cappuccino makers like, 541 00:26:53,119 --> 00:26:56,240 Speaker 4: they just don't. They can be very sweet, very simple things. 542 00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:58,760 Speaker 4: A small collection of your favorite recipes would be an 543 00:26:58,800 --> 00:26:59,960 Speaker 4: amazing wedding gift. 544 00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:02,720 Speaker 1: Oh, I love that itea right is? That's a lovely. 545 00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:03,359 Speaker 5: Idea of that one. 546 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:06,399 Speaker 4: So when it comes to gifts, stick within your budget. 547 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:08,600 Speaker 4: You can go off registry if you want to, and 548 00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:10,919 Speaker 4: you can also use the registry to inspire you to 549 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:12,880 Speaker 4: get a sense of their taste and the things they're 550 00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:15,760 Speaker 4: interested in. Had a friend who registered for like a 551 00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:18,880 Speaker 4: leg of preshudo and a meat slicer. I love that 552 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:21,440 Speaker 4: figured out she loved for judo that much. 553 00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:24,359 Speaker 1: Like yeah, like that's amazing. 554 00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:27,840 Speaker 4: Also see registries where I signed on and I was like, 555 00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:30,040 Speaker 4: I'm priced out of this thing. The lowest thing on 556 00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:33,359 Speaker 4: their item is seventy five bucks and my budget is fifty. 557 00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:34,600 Speaker 4: I can't do this. 558 00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:36,600 Speaker 1: So what did you do in that situation? 559 00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:38,760 Speaker 4: I went off the registry and I just got them 560 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:41,480 Speaker 4: something that I felt was appropriate for a wedding. The 561 00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:43,600 Speaker 4: other one that I think always works really well is 562 00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:46,520 Speaker 4: some kind of an engravable picture frame. You know, use 563 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:52,440 Speaker 4: their style lifestyle to think about whether wood glass, crystal, silver, gold, 564 00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:56,320 Speaker 4: flo would be. You get platinum frame if you want, 565 00:27:56,320 --> 00:28:00,800 Speaker 4: but you didn't go all the way. Engraveable one that 566 00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:03,320 Speaker 4: has their wedding date engraved on it is one that 567 00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,720 Speaker 4: I have never failed with that wedding gift. People say 568 00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:08,120 Speaker 4: they are so glad to have it. So anyway, go 569 00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:10,000 Speaker 4: off registry if you need to go off registry. 570 00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:11,960 Speaker 5: There's nothing wrong in doing so. 571 00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:14,879 Speaker 1: Speaking of wedding registries, nowadays we can shop from our 572 00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:18,119 Speaker 1: registry online and habit ship directly to the couple getting married. 573 00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:20,919 Speaker 1: Do you recommend we always do that over bringing it 574 00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:23,399 Speaker 1: with us, or should we always show up to that 575 00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:24,639 Speaker 1: wedding with a gift. 576 00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:27,600 Speaker 4: Double check with the couple before you choose to bring 577 00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:29,400 Speaker 4: into the wedding and ask them if that really would 578 00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:31,800 Speaker 4: be the easiest way. They might say, you know what, 579 00:28:31,920 --> 00:28:34,000 Speaker 4: sending it to our house will help us not lose 580 00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:37,560 Speaker 4: it between the reception and the house, you know, especially 581 00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:40,600 Speaker 4: if we're talking about a destination wedding. So check in 582 00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:43,120 Speaker 4: with the couple and see where they would like things sent. 583 00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:46,120 Speaker 1: Okay, so we've talked about the wedding gift, but let's 584 00:28:46,120 --> 00:28:48,920 Speaker 1: say we are invited to the shower and or the 585 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:52,920 Speaker 1: bachelor bachelorette parties too, Really quickly, can you tell us 586 00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:56,280 Speaker 1: what the expectations are for gifts around those events. 587 00:28:57,200 --> 00:28:59,920 Speaker 4: Gifts for shower is if you're invited to the shower, 588 00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:03,280 Speaker 4: this is a party specifically about gifts. They will send 589 00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:05,880 Speaker 4: you the registry information and you should get a gift 590 00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:08,720 Speaker 4: you feel confident in getting. It is not a replacement 591 00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:10,960 Speaker 4: for your wedding gift. It is a shower gift. It's 592 00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:14,440 Speaker 4: specific to the shower, but it doesn't have to be complicated. 593 00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:16,760 Speaker 4: It doesn't have to break the bank, but if there 594 00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:18,800 Speaker 4: is a theme that should fit the theme of the shower. 595 00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:21,680 Speaker 4: There are no gifts for bachelor bachelorette parties. 596 00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:24,480 Speaker 1: Before we let you go, I want your final take 597 00:29:24,520 --> 00:29:27,920 Speaker 1: on one more piece of wedding guests etiquette, and that is, 598 00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:31,280 Speaker 1: is it ever okay to swap seats at the wedding 599 00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:33,840 Speaker 1: for a more favorable table, Or let's say you don't 600 00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:35,160 Speaker 1: know anyone at your table. 601 00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:38,480 Speaker 5: Don't switch. Let this be something someone else decided. Again, 602 00:29:38,560 --> 00:29:41,200 Speaker 5: it's not. This party is about you being there to 603 00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:42,400 Speaker 5: witness what they're up to. 604 00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:44,880 Speaker 4: It's not necessarily for you to be there to have 605 00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:47,360 Speaker 4: like the perfect, most stimulating evening. 606 00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:52,480 Speaker 1: Ever, the concept of what a wedding is and looks 607 00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:55,200 Speaker 1: like has changed a lot since twenty three fifty BC, 608 00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:58,240 Speaker 1: and so has what it means to be a wedding guest. 609 00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:01,160 Speaker 1: And these expectations of wedding guests will continue to evolve. 610 00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:04,240 Speaker 1: And Emily Post knew this, and that's why she so 611 00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:07,680 Speaker 1: frequently looked to younger generations to inform her how the 612 00:30:07,760 --> 00:30:11,440 Speaker 1: rules of etiquette were shifting. But no matter how much 613 00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:14,240 Speaker 1: things change and what wedding etiquette may look like in five, 614 00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:18,040 Speaker 1: ten or even twenty years from now. Ultimately it's always 615 00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:19,880 Speaker 1: going to be about kindness and respect. 616 00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:24,800 Speaker 4: Emily Post based her etiquette on consideration, respect, and honesty, 617 00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:29,960 Speaker 4: the idea that kindness mattered, that thinking about other people mattered, 618 00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:32,000 Speaker 4: and she was very clear on this. It does not 619 00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:34,480 Speaker 4: matter how much money you have, It does not matter 620 00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:38,080 Speaker 4: what kind of manners you've been taught that. It doesn't 621 00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:40,640 Speaker 4: matter if you're using your fork the right way, if 622 00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:44,640 Speaker 4: the things you're saying are cruel, if they're disrespectful, if 623 00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:47,960 Speaker 4: they're unkind. And I love that about her, But she 624 00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:50,280 Speaker 4: also made a point to always turn to the youth 625 00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:52,720 Speaker 4: to say, you guys are going to be the deciders 626 00:30:52,760 --> 00:30:56,479 Speaker 4: of what behavior is acceptable and not acceptable, and you 627 00:30:56,640 --> 00:30:59,560 Speaker 4: are the ones who will effectively dictate what the etiquette 628 00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:02,520 Speaker 4: I am the Post right about will be. Etiquette is 629 00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:05,800 Speaker 4: not some rigid code of rules. It's simply how our 630 00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:09,200 Speaker 4: behavior affects one another. That's actually almost word for word, 631 00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:11,880 Speaker 4: Noble Post quote. And in the back of the book, 632 00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:13,600 Speaker 4: what we have is a section where we ask you 633 00:31:13,680 --> 00:31:16,800 Speaker 4: to weigh in on things like, is this idea of 634 00:31:17,520 --> 00:31:20,720 Speaker 4: obligating people to send a wedding gift to a wedding 635 00:31:20,760 --> 00:31:23,160 Speaker 4: they don't attend antiquated Is it something we want to 636 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:26,040 Speaker 4: move away from? I think is exciting to think about 637 00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:28,160 Speaker 4: what future etiquette is going to look like. 638 00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:34,520 Speaker 1: A huge thank you to Lizzie Post for joining us today. 639 00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:37,360 Speaker 1: I've learned so much. But here are some of the 640 00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:40,920 Speaker 1: major takeaways. Starting with RSVP cards are important. Don't be 641 00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:43,000 Speaker 1: that person the soon to be married couple has to 642 00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:46,480 Speaker 1: track down for a response. Check the envelopes to indicate 643 00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:49,680 Speaker 1: who is included in the invitation. If it doesn't say 644 00:31:49,680 --> 00:31:52,360 Speaker 1: and guest on your envelope, you don't get a plus one. 645 00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:54,560 Speaker 1: Don't ask the couple for a plus one if you 646 00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:57,360 Speaker 1: didn't get it. Never wear all white to a wedding 647 00:31:57,560 --> 00:32:01,280 Speaker 1: unless the couple states it on the invitation. Even if 648 00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:03,320 Speaker 1: you're not attending the wedding, you have to send a gift. 649 00:32:03,960 --> 00:32:07,320 Speaker 1: And finally, being invited to a wedding doesn't mean you 650 00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:09,760 Speaker 1: have to break the bank. If you can't afford to 651 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:12,080 Speaker 1: go to a wedding, don't go into debt to make 652 00:32:12,120 --> 00:32:15,520 Speaker 1: it happen. And if everything on their registry is out 653 00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:18,480 Speaker 1: of your budget, use that registry as a guide to 654 00:32:18,640 --> 00:32:22,000 Speaker 1: understand the couple's tastes and find something in your price range, 655 00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:27,000 Speaker 1: that's off registry that still fits their style. That's all 656 00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:29,200 Speaker 1: for today's episode. Be sure to join us again in 657 00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:32,000 Speaker 1: two weeks as we continue this journey to being more 658 00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:35,600 Speaker 1: responsible adults and healthier humans. Matt, what's next on this 659 00:32:35,680 --> 00:32:36,560 Speaker 1: tour of adulthood? 660 00:32:36,880 --> 00:32:40,440 Speaker 3: Our next stop is the basics of making and maintaining 661 00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:43,800 Speaker 3: a cleaner home. It sounds simple, but there is a 662 00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:46,320 Speaker 3: lot to get right about this one and wrong. 663 00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:49,000 Speaker 1: I've looked with a lot of roommates, Matt, and let 664 00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:51,240 Speaker 1: me tell you, there are definitely some who are getting 665 00:32:51,240 --> 00:32:52,160 Speaker 1: this wrong. Ugh. 666 00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:55,360 Speaker 2: So true. We'll get to it all next time on 667 00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:56,200 Speaker 2: Grown Up Stuff. 668 00:32:58,360 --> 00:32:59,960 Speaker 1: This is a production from Iheartrate. 669 00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:02,520 Speaker 2: Our executive producers are Molly. 670 00:33:02,320 --> 00:33:06,480 Speaker 1: Soosha and Matt Stillo. This episode was engineered by Matt Stillo. 671 00:33:06,480 --> 00:33:08,240 Speaker 2: And written by Molly Sosha. 672 00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:12,280 Speaker 3: A special thanks to our Ruby team at iHeart including 673 00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:17,320 Speaker 3: Ethan Fixel, Rachel Swan Krasnov, Amber Smith, Nikkia Swinton, and 674 00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:27,080 Speaker 3: Andy Kelly.