1 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:14,640 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, a weekly 2 00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:19,440 Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small 3 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:22,640 Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions 4 00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:26,759 Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy hard and Bradford, 5 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:32,199 Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or 6 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:35,720 Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website 7 00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:39,559 Speaker 1: at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you 8 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:43,599 Speaker 1: love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is 9 00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:46,559 Speaker 1: not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with 10 00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:57,600 Speaker 1: a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much 11 00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,400 Speaker 1: for joining me for this special bonus episode of Therapy 12 00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:03,680 Speaker 1: for Black Girls Podcasts. We'll get right into our conversation 13 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:15,760 Speaker 1: after a word from our sponsors. Earlier this week, we 14 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:17,680 Speaker 1: gave you a glimpse of some of the magic that 15 00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:21,720 Speaker 1: happened this spring at Variety Playhouse, where our podcast had 16 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:25,280 Speaker 1: the first ever live event healing in real time. Well, 17 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:27,240 Speaker 1: of course, we couldn't leave you without the Q and 18 00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:30,800 Speaker 1: a portion where the guests sounded off via our dms 19 00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:35,560 Speaker 1: with questions about maintaining digital boundaries, the balance between oversharing 20 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:39,160 Speaker 1: and telling your truth online, and yes, the etiquette of 21 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:42,920 Speaker 1: posting during a friend's birthday. Today, you'll hear me in 22 00:01:42,959 --> 00:01:46,400 Speaker 1: the group chat doctor Ayana Abrams and doctor Joy back 23 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:50,600 Speaker 1: with answer these questions, tapping into our shared expertise as 24 00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:54,760 Speaker 1: licensed clinical psychologists. If something resonates with you while enjoying 25 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:57,960 Speaker 1: our conversation, please share it with us on social media 26 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:02,240 Speaker 1: using the hashtag TBG in session, or join us over 27 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:04,760 Speaker 1: in the sister circle to talk more about the episode. 28 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,840 Speaker 1: You can join us at community dot therapy for Blackgirls 29 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:15,200 Speaker 1: dot com. Here's our conversation. Okay, so the first question 30 00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:20,080 Speaker 1: is how do I enforce boundaries if I've never done 31 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:20,760 Speaker 1: so before? 32 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:26,600 Speaker 2: Ooh, I felt that one, I felt that one, so one. 33 00:02:26,639 --> 00:02:27,280 Speaker 3: I usually say so. 34 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:29,880 Speaker 2: My guess is that you have enforced boundaries before, but 35 00:02:29,919 --> 00:02:34,280 Speaker 2: you don't recognize what boundaries are. We all enforce boundaries 36 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:36,079 Speaker 2: for you to make it here tonight on time, there 37 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:39,960 Speaker 2: was some boundaries somewhere that you enforced or reinforced. What 38 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:42,800 Speaker 2: I usually offer people is to one remind yourself that 39 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:45,160 Speaker 2: this is a practice. It's not a perfect practice. It's 40 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,320 Speaker 2: not anything that you have to that's right or wrong. 41 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:50,800 Speaker 2: But to allow yourself an opportunity to think about what's 42 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:51,359 Speaker 2: going on? 43 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:51,640 Speaker 3: Right. 44 00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:54,160 Speaker 2: Usually we want to set a boundary when something doesn't 45 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,560 Speaker 2: feel right, So we got to listen to our bodies first, right, 46 00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:59,600 Speaker 2: our bodies will usually always tell you something don't feel 47 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,120 Speaker 2: right here, and being able to use those as an 48 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:05,520 Speaker 2: opportunity right to think about what doesn't feel right about this? 49 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:06,280 Speaker 3: Right. 50 00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:09,079 Speaker 2: I usually work with people, and so some people, most 51 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:10,359 Speaker 2: people I think, had the language. 52 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,280 Speaker 3: I will have a client who will come in and say, 53 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,480 Speaker 3: how do I say ABC and D to him? 54 00:03:14,919 --> 00:03:20,360 Speaker 2: Well, ABC and D you just said it to me, right, 55 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:22,280 Speaker 2: So a lot of us have the language, we don't 56 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:25,840 Speaker 2: have the courage to say it right. So really thinking 57 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:29,520 Speaker 2: about that and thinking about what comes up, like what 58 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,639 Speaker 2: is it that I'm worried about happening in this space? 59 00:03:31,639 --> 00:03:33,560 Speaker 2: And how would I take care of myself if that 60 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:36,600 Speaker 2: thing didn't happen. Just working yourself kind of through some 61 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:38,240 Speaker 2: different reflective exercises. 62 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:40,040 Speaker 3: And then it's always going to be a risk. 63 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:43,200 Speaker 2: Oftentimes we want to set the boundary and want things 64 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:46,000 Speaker 2: to change without taking the risk and really understanding that 65 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:47,560 Speaker 2: it is going to come with the risk that can 66 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:51,400 Speaker 2: ideally yield the reward of feeling better in this relationship. 67 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:53,320 Speaker 2: But it's really kind of a self talk and a 68 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,480 Speaker 2: mindfulness practice before you even say anything to somebody else. 69 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:00,960 Speaker 4: No, I felt the exact same way. Pain tells us 70 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,280 Speaker 4: where to apply pressure, and so it's being able to 71 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:05,360 Speaker 4: take a look at like what are my pain points? 72 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:08,200 Speaker 4: You know, I feel violated when you call me too late, 73 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:11,000 Speaker 4: or when you are liking all of the pictures or 74 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:14,280 Speaker 4: whatever your things are, or when you don't cancel with 75 00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,919 Speaker 4: me or you always cancel with me. So being clearer 76 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:19,119 Speaker 4: where the pain points are, so then you can apply 77 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,560 Speaker 4: some pressure there and being clear of like, okay, what 78 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,880 Speaker 4: type of boundary? I think sometimes what happens is we 79 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:26,880 Speaker 4: go really really hard, don't call me after whatever time, 80 00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:32,440 Speaker 4: and it's like, well at all? Ever again again being 81 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:34,800 Speaker 4: really really clear, or do I need us do I 82 00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:37,080 Speaker 4: need a certain amount of notice or I don't do 83 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:40,400 Speaker 4: anything on Sundays except for you know, so being really 84 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:43,440 Speaker 4: clear or what the boundary is so you can articulate it, 85 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,240 Speaker 4: and then knowing like hey, you don't have to turn 86 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:47,080 Speaker 4: that thing all the way up or all the way down, 87 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,680 Speaker 4: but knowing, hey, what feels good to you? And like 88 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,120 Speaker 4: you said, it's a journey. I think we want to 89 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,760 Speaker 4: have the boundary in place and have everybody to adhere 90 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:57,400 Speaker 4: to it. It's gonna take some time, yep. Right. They're 91 00:04:57,440 --> 00:04:59,120 Speaker 4: not used to you going to bed at this time. 92 00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:01,400 Speaker 4: They're not used to you not answering their phone call. 93 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:04,520 Speaker 4: They're not used to you not always taking in their information, 94 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:07,320 Speaker 4: right because typically you're always available for them. And so 95 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:09,080 Speaker 4: it takes a little bit of time for people to 96 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:11,000 Speaker 4: get used to the boundaries that you've set in place. 97 00:05:11,279 --> 00:05:14,599 Speaker 4: So articulating them, giving some grace to yourself as you 98 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:16,920 Speaker 4: enforce them, and then grace to other people as they 99 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:18,680 Speaker 4: respect them. 100 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:20,760 Speaker 1: Thank you for that, all right. 101 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:28,320 Speaker 3: Second question, I've outgrown my people. Now. 102 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:31,400 Speaker 1: Listen, if you in here and you came with the 103 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:37,520 Speaker 1: people that you have outgrown, Okay, let's keep it cute. 104 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:48,400 Speaker 1: But I've outgrown my people. How should I tell them? 105 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:56,040 Speaker 4: Sweating? You're nervous, she's sweating. Let me let me think 106 00:05:56,080 --> 00:06:00,360 Speaker 4: where I want to start. I have two thoughts. Two thoughts. 107 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,560 Speaker 4: I'm trying to figure out which one I want to 108 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:03,120 Speaker 4: leave with and which one I want to I want 109 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:06,240 Speaker 4: to end with. I think your behavior speaks volumes, right, 110 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:07,880 Speaker 4: and so sometimes I think we want to have a 111 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:10,720 Speaker 4: huge heart to heart conversation with people about like oh 112 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,480 Speaker 4: I've outgrown you, or I don't do certain things anymore. 113 00:06:13,839 --> 00:06:17,520 Speaker 4: There are oftentimes where your behavior tells the story because 114 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:20,120 Speaker 4: I don't do certain things anymore because you know that's 115 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:22,520 Speaker 4: where you guys go and what you guys do, and 116 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:25,920 Speaker 4: me saying like no and enforcing that my behavior can 117 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:30,600 Speaker 4: also speak that I've outgrown those things. And my second 118 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,440 Speaker 4: mind was, I want us to be really careful sometimes, 119 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:36,120 Speaker 4: like as we like, you're supposed to grow, right, You're 120 00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:39,440 Speaker 4: supposed to grow, and everybody isn't afraid of your growth, right, 121 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:42,240 Speaker 4: And I want us to caution sometimes when we feel like, 122 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:46,400 Speaker 4: oh I've outgrown her, I've outgrown this person. It is possible, 123 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:48,960 Speaker 4: but it's also possible like, hey, you know, I just 124 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,760 Speaker 4: don't do that anymore, but we're still cool. I just 125 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:54,760 Speaker 4: now started going to church or started doing this, but 126 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:58,000 Speaker 4: we are still cool and being clear on what I 127 00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,400 Speaker 4: do with these people and what I do with these people, 128 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:04,640 Speaker 4: and it's okay. So I can have multiple friend groups, right, yeah, 129 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:07,200 Speaker 4: And so just giving yourself permission to grow, giving people 130 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,760 Speaker 4: permission to grow, and it doesn't have to be really 131 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:12,400 Speaker 4: a thing now sometimes it is, but it doesn't always 132 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:13,320 Speaker 4: have to be a thing. 133 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:18,119 Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, I love that the permission right to grow, 134 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:19,960 Speaker 2: because I was What I was going to add is 135 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:23,480 Speaker 2: that growing in different directions also doesn't mean that either 136 00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:25,840 Speaker 2: of you have done anything wrong. And oftentimes that's how 137 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,720 Speaker 2: we see growth. I've outgrown you, so I'm up here 138 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:31,679 Speaker 2: and you're down there versus. People grow at different paces 139 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:35,240 Speaker 2: for different reasons, are navigating very different things. Even as 140 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:38,000 Speaker 2: much as you know somebody, they are your you know ABC, 141 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:41,200 Speaker 2: but it doesn't mean that you know internally all that 142 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,240 Speaker 2: they are navigating. So you can grow at different paces, 143 00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:45,160 Speaker 2: and it just means that you're in different places and 144 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:48,160 Speaker 2: spaces if you do want to remain in a relationship 145 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,120 Speaker 2: with them, right, it means that this might now require 146 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:53,600 Speaker 2: some work to find what's still there in this relationship. 147 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:54,600 Speaker 3: Or connection, and that can be different. 148 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:55,120 Speaker 1: Right. 149 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,200 Speaker 2: We might have been the friends who did this and 150 00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:59,640 Speaker 2: this and this together and I saw you every Friday 151 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:02,440 Speaker 2: and we talk every morning, and you know, we did 152 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,520 Speaker 2: this on Sundays. And now you might be the friend 153 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:07,240 Speaker 2: that we do Sunday brunches or we check in, or 154 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:10,040 Speaker 2: we might turn into the friends where we just DM 155 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:12,920 Speaker 2: each other funny stuff on social media. Right, but we 156 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:16,360 Speaker 2: are still connected and that's still okay. Nobody has to 157 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:19,520 Speaker 2: have done anything wrong. If you do notice that the 158 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:22,360 Speaker 2: that the growing in a different way or different direction 159 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:25,760 Speaker 2: or different pace does come with some conflict, it is 160 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:28,560 Speaker 2: an opportunity, right, for some kind of conversation around that. 161 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,920 Speaker 2: You know, I talk to clients and people about there's 162 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,920 Speaker 2: different ways to move, right. We don't have to have 163 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,880 Speaker 2: a conversation with everybody. Right. That is a choice point. 164 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:40,400 Speaker 2: It doesn't mean I'll owe nobody no explanation. It doesn't 165 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:43,480 Speaker 2: mean that, right, we can still talk to some people 166 00:08:43,559 --> 00:08:46,080 Speaker 2: through some things that are going on with us. And again, 167 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:49,240 Speaker 2: depending on the relationship, we can just move differently, right, 168 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:52,280 Speaker 2: which means the relationship will by default move differently if 169 00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:54,560 Speaker 2: we just do different things. If I'm not as available 170 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:57,800 Speaker 2: on Fridays, it means that we're no longer the Friday friends. Right, 171 00:08:57,800 --> 00:08:59,800 Speaker 2: If I keep saying no to that, So you have 172 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,960 Speaker 2: to different options. It really depends on what kind of 173 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:05,040 Speaker 2: work you want to do and the discernment between there's 174 00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:07,079 Speaker 2: work that I want to do in this relationship and 175 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:08,720 Speaker 2: I really want to let you know because I really 176 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:09,680 Speaker 2: want to preserve. 177 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:11,920 Speaker 3: Something, or there's work that I really don't. 178 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:14,679 Speaker 2: Feel like doing in this relationship. So I'm just gonna 179 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,920 Speaker 2: move differently, all right, So you get to choose. 180 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:22,480 Speaker 1: Thank you for that. And I think you know something 181 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,920 Speaker 1: else that's important, picking up on a thread that both 182 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:28,520 Speaker 1: of you shared. I think sometimes when we feel like this, oh, 183 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:32,480 Speaker 1: I grew them, it's almost like a pride kind of thing, 184 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:34,400 Speaker 1: and it's like, well, did you outgrow them? Or are 185 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:36,920 Speaker 1: you kind of be in a jerk right now? Right 186 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:38,680 Speaker 1: like you know? And so I think it is important 187 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:40,600 Speaker 1: to think about, like, Okay, is there some growth that 188 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:43,360 Speaker 1: we all can do to preserve the relationship as opposed 189 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:46,079 Speaker 1: to I'm doing this now and I'm leaving you behind, 190 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:48,920 Speaker 1: because I think that activates a different kind of conversation 191 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:50,720 Speaker 1: versus we can grow together. 192 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:53,720 Speaker 4: And maybe you grew first, right, and so because you 193 00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:56,280 Speaker 4: learn this and you're moving this way, and if you 194 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:58,880 Speaker 4: don't separate from me, I can grow too, and so 195 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:02,559 Speaker 4: then we are going to get so thank. 196 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:06,640 Speaker 1: You, okay. Third question, what happens when you see a 197 00:10:06,679 --> 00:10:10,000 Speaker 1: former friend or former partner posting online about you and 198 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:17,120 Speaker 1: it's not accurate? How do you navigate that? Some fact checking? 199 00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:20,240 Speaker 3: Some fact checking? 200 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:25,400 Speaker 1: So I think I would thought by thinking about like 201 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:30,160 Speaker 1: is it who is it important that it's accurate? For yep, right, 202 00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,280 Speaker 1: you know, so you know that it's not the truth. 203 00:10:32,679 --> 00:10:35,240 Speaker 1: So what need do you feel to like prove someone 204 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:37,000 Speaker 1: else that it was not the truth? Like can they 205 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:39,720 Speaker 1: just be wrong by themselves or do you feel the 206 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:41,840 Speaker 1: need to come out and say like, hey, I saw 207 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,680 Speaker 1: you say this thing and it wasn't accurate. 208 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:46,040 Speaker 4: Right, and no response it's also a response, it is. 209 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:48,400 Speaker 4: And so sometimes you post stuff and it's just like, really, 210 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,040 Speaker 4: I know the truth and you know the truth, but 211 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,200 Speaker 4: I'm not even going to say anything about it, Like 212 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:53,840 Speaker 4: why do I need to go and now try to 213 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,280 Speaker 4: prove or you know, debunk that. 214 00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know when it was, but I made 215 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:02,760 Speaker 2: a post just about this that tells you know, sometimes 216 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:05,320 Speaker 2: peace looks like letting people be wrong about you. 217 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:08,640 Speaker 4: Yeah, I think can be wrong. Right. 218 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:11,600 Speaker 2: What we were talking about before is if I feel 219 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:14,120 Speaker 2: you know, grounded, if I feel connected, if I feel 220 00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:16,160 Speaker 2: good about myself, if I feel good about what's going 221 00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:20,360 Speaker 2: on around me, it's gonna matter less other people's narrative 222 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:23,000 Speaker 2: of you because other people are allowed to have other narratives. 223 00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:25,599 Speaker 2: What happens in that scenario is that we want to 224 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:27,960 Speaker 2: control how people view us, and we want to control 225 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:31,960 Speaker 2: people's stories about us. And it's the acceptance and the 226 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:35,120 Speaker 2: realization that we can't control for that, and it's really uncomfortable. 227 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:36,520 Speaker 3: The piece that it's really really. 228 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:39,600 Speaker 2: Uncomfortable when someone has a narrative of you that feels 229 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:42,760 Speaker 2: like it mischaracterizes you, and it feels like it's misaligned 230 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,720 Speaker 2: with who you want to be or how you show 231 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:45,480 Speaker 2: up in the world. 232 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:48,280 Speaker 3: But they get to have their own story about you. 233 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:48,560 Speaker 4: Right. 234 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:50,800 Speaker 2: It's about you being able to release that level of 235 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,600 Speaker 2: control around it. And you also can't control if other 236 00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,080 Speaker 2: people believe their story about you. 237 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:56,720 Speaker 3: Right. But it really does take a lot. 238 00:11:56,559 --> 00:11:59,440 Speaker 2: Of work to separate yourself from that and not try 239 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:01,959 Speaker 2: to control. I can understand wanting to control it, but 240 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,840 Speaker 2: also differentiating that between I get to control it. You 241 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:06,760 Speaker 2: need to take that down. You need to tell them 242 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:10,160 Speaker 2: the truth. It would be nice, but they don't have 243 00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:11,840 Speaker 2: to do that. How are you going to take care 244 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:14,199 Speaker 2: of yourself if and when there's a story out there 245 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,320 Speaker 2: that doesn't ring true for you? 246 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:23,560 Speaker 1: More from our conversation after the break Why do friendship 247 00:12:23,559 --> 00:12:27,240 Speaker 1: breakups sometimes hurt more than romantic ones? How do I 248 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:30,120 Speaker 1: make friends in a new city? Is it true that 249 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:33,720 Speaker 1: women can't actually be good friends to one another. I'm 250 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:36,440 Speaker 1: exploring all of these questions and so much more in 251 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:41,000 Speaker 1: my book, Sisterhood Heels, now available in paperback at your 252 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:46,040 Speaker 1: local independent bookstore or at sisterhood Heels dot com. Grab 253 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:48,440 Speaker 1: a copy for you and your girls, and let's talk 254 00:12:48,440 --> 00:13:01,720 Speaker 1: about it. So this next question is about birthdays, and 255 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,880 Speaker 1: I feel something stirring in my. 256 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:10,120 Speaker 3: Spirit because it feels like there has been a lot. 257 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:14,520 Speaker 1: Of conversation about birthdays and I'm wondering what's happening. Like 258 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:18,640 Speaker 1: a part of what want My working theory is that 259 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:22,000 Speaker 1: there are so few opportunities for us to like be 260 00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:25,600 Speaker 1: celebrated that we then put all of this energy and 261 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:29,880 Speaker 1: like expectation on birthdays. But I'm curious to hear if 262 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,520 Speaker 1: y'all have other thoughts. But the question is what is 263 00:13:32,559 --> 00:13:36,760 Speaker 1: the etiquette around posting embarrassing or ugly photos of friends 264 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:42,760 Speaker 1: on their birthdays on the birthday, on their birthday, or 265 00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:44,880 Speaker 1: maybe as a part of the birthday celebration. 266 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:47,720 Speaker 4: So wait a minute, your friend has this unattractive picture 267 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:49,240 Speaker 4: of you and they decide to bring it up. 268 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:52,040 Speaker 1: So I'm guessing that you know, like maybe we are 269 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,240 Speaker 1: all out celebrating your birthday and then I pick a 270 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,720 Speaker 1: picture where I pick a picture where I look cute, 271 00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:00,120 Speaker 1: but you don't, even though it's your birthday. 272 00:14:01,559 --> 00:14:02,000 Speaker 3: Okay. 273 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,600 Speaker 4: So that explains to me why people post that last 274 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,400 Speaker 4: picture where you know it's your birthday and you've got 275 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:10,240 Speaker 4: your whole photo shoot. It's like when you start to 276 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:13,960 Speaker 4: repost post this one right, yeah, now got it? Okay. 277 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:18,320 Speaker 2: So there isn't a standard etiquette. The etiquette is something 278 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:21,720 Speaker 2: that's established between you and those people who are doing this. 279 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:22,880 Speaker 2: So I don't know if that is something that is 280 00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,560 Speaker 2: a tradition or prank. I don't know who asked the 281 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,520 Speaker 2: question about, so I don't know what that's about in 282 00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:28,960 Speaker 2: terms of posting it on your birthday. 283 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:30,400 Speaker 3: As we were naming before. 284 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:32,240 Speaker 2: If it is something that is uncomfortable with you, you 285 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,640 Speaker 2: get you have a right to address it and say 286 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:37,800 Speaker 2: that makes me uncomfortable. You can ask people to take 287 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,440 Speaker 2: that down. If they don't, that leaves you with another 288 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:44,440 Speaker 2: decision about what's going on in that connection or relationship 289 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:47,400 Speaker 2: or friendship. If that is a trend, then that gives 290 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,240 Speaker 2: you an opportunity to set a different kind of boundary. 291 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,800 Speaker 2: If that is what you do when we are on birthdays, 292 00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:54,840 Speaker 2: or when you're with me on my birthday, maybe you 293 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,720 Speaker 2: don't get to be with me on my birthday anymore, right, 294 00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:59,720 Speaker 2: Or if that's so, there's there's something that's going to 295 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,880 Speaker 2: lead to some kind of boundary around that. But I 296 00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:06,320 Speaker 2: would recommend expressing your feelings and then making an actual request. 297 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,680 Speaker 2: We oftentimes confuse that we think that because I said 298 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:10,400 Speaker 2: I didn't like it, you should not. 299 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:11,640 Speaker 3: Do it, Versus I. 300 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,280 Speaker 2: Can say I didn't like it and ask you to 301 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:15,760 Speaker 2: do something different and then see what data I get back. 302 00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:17,840 Speaker 2: If I don't like the data I get back, then 303 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:18,400 Speaker 2: I can set. 304 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:19,640 Speaker 3: A different boundary around this. 305 00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:22,760 Speaker 2: But if you notice that when you are with someone 306 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:25,200 Speaker 2: they do a thing that you don't like, you have 307 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:29,040 Speaker 2: the opportunity to stop being with them, versus focusing on 308 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:31,000 Speaker 2: them not doing the thing that they keep doing in 309 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:31,920 Speaker 2: your face on your birthday. 310 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:33,960 Speaker 3: Like, there's some options. 311 00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:36,200 Speaker 4: But we do know that beauty unless it's just like 312 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:38,520 Speaker 4: a real picture where it's like come on, now, come on, 313 00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:40,560 Speaker 4: you posted that one. But beauty is in the eye 314 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,480 Speaker 4: the beholder, right, So I don't know if you think that, hey, 315 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,160 Speaker 4: I like you know that's a cute picture of me, 316 00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:47,080 Speaker 4: And so if you're my friend, you have this picture 317 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,440 Speaker 4: of me, we have pictures together, right. I just really 318 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:51,920 Speaker 4: would like to believe that as friends, you can tell 319 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:54,840 Speaker 4: me like, hey, you know I don't really like that picture, girl, 320 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:57,120 Speaker 4: Can you post this one instead? I don't have a 321 00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,680 Speaker 4: problem with you posting me and posting me on my birthday. 322 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:01,480 Speaker 4: And actually here are some other ones where you are 323 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:02,960 Speaker 4: in it too, if you want to post, can you 324 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,200 Speaker 4: post that one? And of course like getting the data, 325 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:07,880 Speaker 4: but why can't I ask you to not post that 326 00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:10,120 Speaker 4: picture or to take that picture down, or I don't 327 00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,480 Speaker 4: like how I look in that picture? 328 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:12,520 Speaker 1: Right? Right? 329 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:13,960 Speaker 4: Because we're friends, right. 330 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,640 Speaker 3: If we are, well, I understand that one. 331 00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:18,960 Speaker 4: That would be I think that's what's throwing me out 332 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,880 Speaker 4: because we're friends. I don't know why you post that, 333 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,120 Speaker 4: but if you do post it, I feel like I 334 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,160 Speaker 4: should be able to tell you like, hey, I don't 335 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:28,000 Speaker 4: like that picture, yeah, and then waiting for the data 336 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:30,080 Speaker 4: that comes back. If you refuse to take it down 337 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:32,160 Speaker 4: on my birthday. 338 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:33,160 Speaker 3: We have a different decision to make. 339 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:38,080 Speaker 1: Yeah, Okay, here's our next question. How do I make 340 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:41,320 Speaker 1: the move to transition an online friendship to an in 341 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:42,680 Speaker 1: real life friendship. 342 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:45,800 Speaker 3: I've done that before. 343 00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:47,320 Speaker 4: Yeah, that's a good one. 344 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:51,320 Speaker 1: So I feel like inherent in this question is how 345 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:55,400 Speaker 1: do I avoid the risk of rejection if I ask 346 00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:57,120 Speaker 1: them to do something in real life? 347 00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:57,440 Speaker 4: Right? 348 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:00,200 Speaker 1: So maybe that's what we can speak to is how 349 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,760 Speaker 1: do you kind of show yourself up for the possibility 350 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:03,480 Speaker 1: to be rejected? 351 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:07,520 Speaker 4: Yeah. One, I was going to give a suggestion of 352 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,000 Speaker 4: how you could even start, because I think sometimes we 353 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,199 Speaker 4: can go like way too strong. But if I've had 354 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:14,359 Speaker 4: this friendship with you online and we've been talking and 355 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,320 Speaker 4: I kind of know what you like, what I like, 356 00:17:16,359 --> 00:17:18,800 Speaker 4: we can probably go to an event or something together, 357 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,679 Speaker 4: so that the risk of rejection is still possible in 358 00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:24,679 Speaker 4: any situation, but it's a lower risk of rejection. And 359 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,879 Speaker 4: so oh, I saw that Therapy for Black Girls was 360 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:30,359 Speaker 4: having a live podcast, and so I see that you 361 00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:32,920 Speaker 4: follow them too, You've been liking the post or whatever 362 00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:34,680 Speaker 4: I plan to go? Do you plan to go? Or 363 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,000 Speaker 4: what you like to go together? So something where it 364 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:38,760 Speaker 4: doesn't feel like, hey, do you want to have coffee 365 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:42,440 Speaker 4: with me? And it's like or whatever. So I would say, 366 00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:45,000 Speaker 4: how do we lower the risk of rejection? Yeah, because 367 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,760 Speaker 4: it's a real thing too, Like I I mean to 368 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:49,560 Speaker 4: feel some anxiety, It is not a bad thing, right, 369 00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:52,199 Speaker 4: I want I enjoyed this conversation. I think we have 370 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:53,720 Speaker 4: a lot in common, and I want to see we 371 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:56,880 Speaker 4: can meet in person. Like Okay, if that's that's anxiety provoken. 372 00:17:57,080 --> 00:17:59,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely I would. I would think about ways in 373 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:03,480 Speaker 2: which to stagger the risk. Right, Inherently, there's going to 374 00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:05,679 Speaker 2: be a risk in making yourself vulnerable because and the 375 00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:08,160 Speaker 2: vulnerability is in I don't know if this person wants 376 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:11,320 Speaker 2: the same thing absolutely that I want. That's inherent there, right, 377 00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:13,280 Speaker 2: So if it is something that feels rewarding enough for 378 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:15,600 Speaker 2: you that you're so interested in this person, it is 379 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:17,399 Speaker 2: about kind of looking at what are different ways in 380 00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:19,159 Speaker 2: which this risk could look. So it could look like, 381 00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:22,040 Speaker 2: you know, inviting to an event that seems like a 382 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,040 Speaker 2: shared thing. Maybe you all have been talking, maybe you've 383 00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:26,919 Speaker 2: been sharing you know, therapy for Black Girls posts, and 384 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:27,680 Speaker 2: then now there's this. 385 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:28,360 Speaker 3: Event coming up. 386 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,960 Speaker 2: Sometimes it can just be the transparency that says, oh 387 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:33,439 Speaker 2: my goodness, I feel like we would be such good 388 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:34,119 Speaker 2: friends of real. 389 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,719 Speaker 3: Life, just saying that and seeing what happens. 390 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,280 Speaker 2: Right, again, it's still risky and you're not inviting them 391 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,959 Speaker 2: to anything, right, So it's a different level of proposed 392 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:45,280 Speaker 2: or kind of potential rejection, but just naming right that 393 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:47,359 Speaker 2: sometimes you think about that and you kind of wonder 394 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,320 Speaker 2: about that in some way. There can be different ways, 395 00:18:50,359 --> 00:18:51,680 Speaker 2: like I said, whether it be in an event that's 396 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:53,919 Speaker 2: already coming up, or it can be that risk to 397 00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:57,600 Speaker 2: ask them to coffee or asking them to do something. 398 00:18:57,640 --> 00:18:59,520 Speaker 2: It really depends on again, how you're able to show 399 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:02,320 Speaker 2: yourself up in terms of taking those risks. As adults, 400 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:05,520 Speaker 2: we know it's harder to make friendships. We are concerned 401 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,240 Speaker 2: about rejection, we're concerned about seeming you know, creepy. 402 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:08,520 Speaker 4: Right. 403 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:10,880 Speaker 2: We don't know how to translate right people from your 404 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:14,040 Speaker 2: online persona to what's going on in real life. But 405 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,200 Speaker 2: it's still about asking and getting curious do they want 406 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,359 Speaker 2: the same thing? Are they interested in that? And seeing 407 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:23,080 Speaker 2: what they say they might say no, and then you 408 00:19:23,119 --> 00:19:25,520 Speaker 2: get to decide do I want to keep up what 409 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:27,600 Speaker 2: we've been doing online in terms of DMS or whichever 410 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,480 Speaker 2: it is. And then still kind of if you want 411 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:31,520 Speaker 2: to source other people, depending on where you're living or 412 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,600 Speaker 2: kind of where you're located, you can still try that 413 00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:35,639 Speaker 2: with some other people, but it is always going to 414 00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:37,200 Speaker 2: involve some level of a risk. 415 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:41,000 Speaker 1: What are your thoughts on deleting pictures you have of 416 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:44,920 Speaker 1: an ex boom our friend after the relationship has ended. 417 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,240 Speaker 1: The crowd is saying deleted. 418 00:19:56,040 --> 00:19:56,639 Speaker 3: I have thoughts. 419 00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,399 Speaker 4: Yeah, here we go. 420 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:05,920 Speaker 2: So deleting, deleting past relationships that you are no longer 421 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:10,080 Speaker 2: and so whether it be romantic or platonic, that's a 422 00:20:10,119 --> 00:20:13,280 Speaker 2: personal decision. Yeah, that's a personal decision. And again it's 423 00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:16,760 Speaker 2: going back to this self awareness is reflection. What's my 424 00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:19,520 Speaker 2: motivation to do this? Is it that I am deleting 425 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:24,199 Speaker 2: this because I have some level of embarrassment or shame 426 00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:26,800 Speaker 2: that something didn't work out, and I don't want people 427 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:30,200 Speaker 2: to know that. That's very different than so I don't 428 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,440 Speaker 2: know if I can cuss some I can't cuss some 429 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:35,080 Speaker 2: things happened, and I don't want to be reminded of this. 430 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,159 Speaker 2: So I get to take this off of my feed, 431 00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:38,960 Speaker 2: I get to archive it, I get to delete the 432 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,239 Speaker 2: photos because I don't want these reminders showing up in 433 00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:44,520 Speaker 2: some way. I don't want the time hop from Facebook 434 00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:48,280 Speaker 2: telling me five years ago, oh look, there's your traumatic 435 00:20:48,359 --> 00:20:53,959 Speaker 2: relationship showing back up, like I don't want that, so 436 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,880 Speaker 2: so I might want to take those kind of pictures 437 00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:57,520 Speaker 2: or those videos or things like that down. 438 00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,360 Speaker 3: But I think it is about your motivation. 439 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:02,240 Speaker 2: Are you in bad about something, are you trying to 440 00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:04,600 Speaker 2: hide something in some way and just thinking about what 441 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:05,480 Speaker 2: that's about for you. 442 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:08,399 Speaker 3: In reality, you have a choice. 443 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,040 Speaker 2: You don't have to put any or keep anything on 444 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:12,160 Speaker 2: your feed that you don't want to be on there, 445 00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:13,919 Speaker 2: but it would just be interesting data for you to 446 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:14,439 Speaker 2: reflect on. 447 00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:14,800 Speaker 3: Why. 448 00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:17,720 Speaker 4: Yeah, no, I agree, it's a personal preference. 449 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:18,000 Speaker 1: Right. 450 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,760 Speaker 4: Just because I may not be your friend now does 451 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:23,320 Speaker 4: not mean that, you know, I didn't enjoy the friendship 452 00:21:23,359 --> 00:21:25,800 Speaker 4: that we had. And of course, if it's triggering for 453 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:27,720 Speaker 4: me to see the pictures every time I go on 454 00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:29,800 Speaker 4: my feed, it's a lot of pictures I'm starting to 455 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:32,280 Speaker 4: feel really sad about the loss of the relationship or 456 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:34,520 Speaker 4: the friendship, then of course you may want to archive 457 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:37,040 Speaker 4: those or delete those. But I mean, just because we're 458 00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:39,359 Speaker 4: not cool now does not mean it doesn't take away 459 00:21:39,359 --> 00:21:42,120 Speaker 4: anything from when we were really close friends. And that's 460 00:21:42,119 --> 00:21:44,240 Speaker 4: all this is is a timeline of like what was 461 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:47,480 Speaker 4: going on now the relationships in terms of intimate partner 462 00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:50,400 Speaker 4: relationships are different. If I'm going to be triggered every 463 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,800 Speaker 4: single time I log on, because all that's when we 464 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:55,800 Speaker 4: went to Italy and all, here's another one. I mean, 465 00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:57,920 Speaker 4: you get to is that what you want to see 466 00:21:57,920 --> 00:21:59,920 Speaker 4: every time you log on? If it's doing some it's 467 00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:03,520 Speaker 4: your personal page. If it's doing something to you for 468 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,560 Speaker 4: you that you don't like, then get rid of it. 469 00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:08,960 Speaker 3: Yeah, what power are you giving over to this image 470 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:11,040 Speaker 3: or this memory? Just for you to reflect on. 471 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:23,199 Speaker 1: More from our conversation after the break. So this is 472 00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:25,040 Speaker 1: not a question for the audience. This is my follow 473 00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:27,359 Speaker 1: up question to what y'all have said. So if you 474 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:30,879 Speaker 1: are going back to the content creation question, if you 475 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,639 Speaker 1: are like a mommy blogger or a family blogger, and 476 00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:37,400 Speaker 1: let's say there's a breakup or a divorce, is there 477 00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:41,680 Speaker 1: an obligation to then make a post about the dissolution 478 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:43,120 Speaker 1: of the relationship. 479 00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:48,960 Speaker 2: An obligation from your brand partnership that's paying you to post, 480 00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:51,760 Speaker 2: or from your audience, from your audience. 481 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:55,400 Speaker 3: From your audience, Oh, I have many things to say, 482 00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:55,840 Speaker 3: go ahead. 483 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,920 Speaker 4: I don't know if it's an obligation, but I think 484 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:01,520 Speaker 4: that if I support you, I'm a big fan of you, 485 00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:04,919 Speaker 4: if you guys have mutually decided to separate, you can 486 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,280 Speaker 4: put out a statement, but I don't. I have difficulty 487 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:10,720 Speaker 4: when it becomes like, oh, I owe you something. I mean, 488 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:13,399 Speaker 4: you decided to follow me. I appreciate it. You have 489 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:16,040 Speaker 4: been you know, you've clicked on these little links or whatever. 490 00:23:16,119 --> 00:23:17,640 Speaker 4: I appreciate it. But I don't know if I owe 491 00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:20,720 Speaker 4: you anything. But I think because I appreciate the fact 492 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:22,520 Speaker 4: that you followed us and you have helped to make 493 00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:25,240 Speaker 4: us this big, I probably would say, from the goodness 494 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:26,879 Speaker 4: and kindness of my heart, I'm gonna let you know 495 00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:28,720 Speaker 4: that this is a no longer. We are no longer 496 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,320 Speaker 4: a week. But I don't know about being obligated. You 497 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:32,040 Speaker 4: have to tell me. 498 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:36,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, the issue comes up with the entitlement, right. That's 499 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:39,440 Speaker 2: because and I've seen the different posts that if you're 500 00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:41,760 Speaker 2: gonna show me this, you have to show me this. 501 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:43,639 Speaker 3: I'm invested now. 502 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,560 Speaker 2: Right, So I knew on vacation, I saw this, I 503 00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:47,320 Speaker 2: saw the baby grow up, I saw all these things, like, 504 00:23:47,359 --> 00:23:49,760 Speaker 2: you need to let me know what is happening because 505 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:52,840 Speaker 2: I've invested this time. But that's that's on you, right, 506 00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:56,800 Speaker 2: That's that parasocial relationship dynamic, so I can understand a 507 00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:01,119 Speaker 2: desire to kind of keep people in real time. 508 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,240 Speaker 3: Right with what is going on with you. 509 00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:03,920 Speaker 2: And sometimes people do that just to hold off on 510 00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:06,000 Speaker 2: any questions because you're not going to see this person 511 00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:07,520 Speaker 2: post it anymore. You're not going to see this kind 512 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:09,040 Speaker 2: of content anymore. So let me just let you know 513 00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:12,400 Speaker 2: now to not ask about this. This is what has happened, 514 00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:15,600 Speaker 2: but being mindful of that sense of entitlement that comes 515 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:18,800 Speaker 2: when people believe that they are oh different parts of 516 00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:21,080 Speaker 2: your life versus seeing that you have autonomy. And this 517 00:24:21,119 --> 00:24:23,800 Speaker 2: is a curated page. Even if you're not a big 518 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:26,800 Speaker 2: influencer or blogger, this is still curated based on what 519 00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:29,400 Speaker 2: I feel like posting. So for the people who feel 520 00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:32,800 Speaker 2: entitled to that, it's about you doing your own grieving 521 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:35,960 Speaker 2: around not knowing what's going on with somebody who you 522 00:24:36,119 --> 00:24:39,800 Speaker 2: also kind of don't know anyway, that's your work to do, 523 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:40,440 Speaker 2: and you. 524 00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:41,960 Speaker 3: Can talk to you about it, like you say, what's 525 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:43,320 Speaker 3: going on, like I don't know what's going on there? 526 00:24:43,359 --> 00:24:44,080 Speaker 3: Like what happened? 527 00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:46,280 Speaker 2: Keep it right there, don't go to that person's page 528 00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:47,439 Speaker 2: and say, well, you need to let me know I 529 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:49,399 Speaker 2: haven't seen this happen in three weeks? 530 00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:51,640 Speaker 3: Where are they? Where are they? 531 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:51,840 Speaker 1: Like? 532 00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:53,560 Speaker 3: Where are your Sunday photos? Right? 533 00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:57,600 Speaker 2: So that's something you can process amongst yourselves versus demanding, 534 00:24:57,720 --> 00:24:59,960 Speaker 2: right that people provide you updates to their lives. 535 00:25:00,359 --> 00:25:02,280 Speaker 3: The purpose of the group chat, the purpose of the 536 00:25:02,359 --> 00:25:04,040 Speaker 3: roop chat. Get yourself a group chat? 537 00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:05,639 Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, okay? 538 00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:09,160 Speaker 1: Next question? Is it always shady when people post videos 539 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:15,879 Speaker 1: of themselves crying on Instagram? This question is is it 540 00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:16,800 Speaker 1: trying to get the teeth? 541 00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:18,800 Speaker 3: Is it shady? Is it shady? 542 00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:25,439 Speaker 1: Is it shady when people post videos of themselves crying shade? 543 00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:27,359 Speaker 3: So shady is a loaded word. We don't know what 544 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:28,439 Speaker 3: they are shade. Yeah. 545 00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:36,520 Speaker 4: Yeah, people get to pick and choo. 546 00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:43,679 Speaker 3: The shady throws me off. I wouldn't call it shady. 547 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:48,960 Speaker 4: But people get to pick and choose how they want 548 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:51,719 Speaker 4: to express themselves on their page. Right, you don't have 549 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:53,359 Speaker 4: to like it. We don't have to like it. It 550 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:56,439 Speaker 4: may be something that you would not do for me. 551 00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:59,680 Speaker 4: I cannot imagine being really upset and being really sad 552 00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:01,760 Speaker 4: and take my camera and saying, let me film this. 553 00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:05,719 Speaker 4: But but it's okay. Some people do it. They may 554 00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:09,240 Speaker 4: want to remember this moment or We talked earlier about vulnerability, right, 555 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:11,119 Speaker 4: and so letting you know, like, hey, you may have 556 00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:13,240 Speaker 4: seen me, and you see all of this other stuff 557 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:15,200 Speaker 4: that I do, but I'm having a really really rough 558 00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:17,359 Speaker 4: day and hey, I'm letting you see this side of 559 00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:19,080 Speaker 4: me too, and so really just trying to live in 560 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:21,159 Speaker 4: this space of no judgment. They decided to do it, 561 00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:24,399 Speaker 4: that's them. What does their car tier crying thing have 562 00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:28,320 Speaker 4: to do with me? Yeah, so I don't know if it's. 563 00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:31,240 Speaker 2: Shade, yeah, shady shady the word shady's throwing out. But 564 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:34,440 Speaker 2: I do recognize that there is a there are mixed 565 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:36,399 Speaker 2: messages when it comes to social media, because on the 566 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:39,800 Speaker 2: one hand, we say be vulnerable, like show your real life, 567 00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:42,399 Speaker 2: like don't always show me the highlight reel, and then 568 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,359 Speaker 2: when somebody shows you the low lights, you're just like, 569 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:45,720 Speaker 2: why are you crying on on? 570 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:48,000 Speaker 3: You don't need to be on here. 571 00:26:48,119 --> 00:26:50,120 Speaker 2: You need to do this and save that for this, 572 00:26:50,359 --> 00:26:52,439 Speaker 2: and that should only be in your private stuff. So 573 00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:55,880 Speaker 2: it's also about again this we have to think about 574 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:58,439 Speaker 2: how complex and how complicated and how dynamic it is 575 00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:00,879 Speaker 2: to show up on social media in these ways that 576 00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:04,560 Speaker 2: can be someone practicing a level of vulnerability. Sometimes that 577 00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:07,199 Speaker 2: kind of vulnerability does bring a lot of validation to 578 00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:10,399 Speaker 2: other people to see, Oh, you're struggling with something that 579 00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:13,080 Speaker 2: I cry about and I didn't think that anyone else 580 00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:15,439 Speaker 2: cries about this thing, right, So it can actually be 581 00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:17,920 Speaker 2: really meaningful if someone else sees that. Again, it really 582 00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:21,480 Speaker 2: depends on are what is your motivation right for showing 583 00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:22,280 Speaker 2: up in that way? 584 00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:24,520 Speaker 3: What are you experiencing and doing. 585 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:26,560 Speaker 2: That, What kind of feedback are you getting? And can 586 00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:28,320 Speaker 2: you handle that and can you manage that? 587 00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:29,000 Speaker 4: Right? 588 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:31,440 Speaker 2: But again, social media, you're going to see all different things, 589 00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:34,320 Speaker 2: so we can't say that we don't only want the highlights, 590 00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:36,800 Speaker 2: we want real people. And then when the reality of 591 00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:39,040 Speaker 2: the human experience shows up, we say we don't want 592 00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:40,280 Speaker 2: that either. 593 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:44,840 Speaker 4: So we're talking about the difference between being vulnerable and oversharing, 594 00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:47,919 Speaker 4: and the difference, like the little fine line is what 595 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:51,200 Speaker 4: is the expectation of the post? Right? If I'm being vulnerable, 596 00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:52,439 Speaker 4: I want you to see and want you to be 597 00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:54,560 Speaker 4: able to connect to want you to understand like this 598 00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:56,560 Speaker 4: is what this real looks like. Want you to be 599 00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,840 Speaker 4: able to relate to me. That's one thing. It's also 600 00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:01,840 Speaker 4: different when it's like Okay, I'm oversharing. I want your 601 00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:04,199 Speaker 4: sympathy and a whole bunch of other stuff. And so 602 00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:08,840 Speaker 4: what's the expectation behind like the post? Yeah? 603 00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:14,840 Speaker 1: Okay, final question, how do I know? How do I 604 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:18,879 Speaker 1: communicate to a friend that they record our interactions too much? 605 00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:26,040 Speaker 4: You have the language, you just said it. 606 00:28:26,119 --> 00:28:32,800 Speaker 2: So I feel uncomfortable with how much our interactions are recorded. 607 00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:35,040 Speaker 2: And again there's a difference between expressing how you feel 608 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:38,520 Speaker 2: and asking them to do something different. All Right, I 609 00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:41,960 Speaker 2: feel uncomfortable with how much you record and post our 610 00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:45,200 Speaker 2: interactions together. I'd love for some of those to remain private. 611 00:28:45,480 --> 00:28:48,560 Speaker 2: Can you post less? Can you not post at all 612 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:50,200 Speaker 2: the things that happen between us? 613 00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:50,720 Speaker 1: Right? 614 00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:53,640 Speaker 2: You got to pair it with those two things, how 615 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:55,920 Speaker 2: I'm feeling about it and what you actually want to 616 00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:58,400 Speaker 2: be different, and then you get data based on how 617 00:28:58,480 --> 00:28:59,080 Speaker 2: they respond. 618 00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:01,840 Speaker 4: That's completely But you have the language. Yeah, you just 619 00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:04,040 Speaker 4: said it. You have the language. It's what's the feeling, 620 00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:05,560 Speaker 4: and then what do you want as a result of 621 00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:08,800 Speaker 4: the feeling. People will respond to how this action makes 622 00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:11,880 Speaker 4: you feel. So if you're not judgmental, you are always posting, 623 00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:14,000 Speaker 4: you're not coming in critical so that you don't get 624 00:29:14,040 --> 00:29:16,479 Speaker 4: that energy back. It is what is the feeling that 625 00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:18,840 Speaker 4: you feel right and what do you want the action 626 00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:20,680 Speaker 4: to be just instead? And I ask you to turn 627 00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:23,640 Speaker 4: that thing all the way down to not video, not posting, 628 00:29:23,760 --> 00:29:25,719 Speaker 4: or you know, can you wait until the very end 629 00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:27,240 Speaker 4: of our dates together. 630 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:31,200 Speaker 2: And on the other side of that, I'll always talk 631 00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:33,560 Speaker 2: about like when you are wanting to kind of set 632 00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:35,000 Speaker 2: boundaries in a certain way and kind of ask for 633 00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:37,480 Speaker 2: things to be different. Also think about how you also 634 00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,600 Speaker 2: respond to other people's boundaries. Right, So we want to 635 00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:42,600 Speaker 2: say no and stop doing this and stop doing this, 636 00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:46,000 Speaker 2: But do you respect other people's boundaries? Do you get defensive? 637 00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:48,080 Speaker 2: Do you tell people that they're doing this or this 638 00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:49,680 Speaker 2: or this right when they want things to change in 639 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:52,240 Speaker 2: the relationship. That'll give you also a gauge right in 640 00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:55,520 Speaker 2: terms of this relationship, how do we respect others each 641 00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:58,760 Speaker 2: other's needs right as those needs might change over time. 642 00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:02,600 Speaker 1: Well, thank you ladies for answering all of our questions. 643 00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:04,600 Speaker 1: Thank y'all for your incredible questions. 644 00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:06,160 Speaker 3: Thank you. 645 00:30:12,080 --> 00:30:14,600 Speaker 1: I'm so glad Doctor Ayana and doctor Joy were able 646 00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:17,680 Speaker 1: to join me for this event. It was tons of fun. 647 00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:20,320 Speaker 1: We cannot wait to do it again to learn more 648 00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:22,640 Speaker 1: about them and the work that they're doing. Be sure 649 00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:25,200 Speaker 1: to visit the show notes at Therapy for Blackgirls dot 650 00:30:25,200 --> 00:30:28,760 Speaker 1: com slash live show questions, and don't forget to text 651 00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:30,800 Speaker 1: this episode to two of your girls right now and 652 00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:32,760 Speaker 1: tell them to check it out. If you're looking for 653 00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:36,280 Speaker 1: a therapist in your area, visit our therapist directory at 654 00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:39,720 Speaker 1: Therapy for Blackgirls dot com slash directory. And if you 655 00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:42,040 Speaker 1: want to continue digging into this topic or just be 656 00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:44,880 Speaker 1: a community with other sisters, come on over and join 657 00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:47,720 Speaker 1: us in the Sister Circle. It's our cozy corner of 658 00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:50,960 Speaker 1: the Internet designed just for black women. You can join 659 00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:55,160 Speaker 1: us at community dot Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. This 660 00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:59,400 Speaker 1: episode was produced by Elis Ellis and Zaria Taylor. Editing 661 00:30:59,520 --> 00:31:03,080 Speaker 1: was done by Dennis and Bradford. Thank y'all so much 662 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:06,080 Speaker 1: for joining me for this bonus episode. We'll be back 663 00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:10,720 Speaker 1: on Wednesday with our regular episodes. Until then, take good care.