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Speaker 1: If you want your seven million dollars, you need to

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Speaker 1: stay in the closet. It's safer there. They can't steal

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Speaker 1: your money in the closet. You know that is that

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Speaker 1: is quite quite a demand there. I mean, the steaks

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Speaker 1: couldn't be higher.

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Speaker 2: Also, they couldn't do it like a like a game show,

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Speaker 2: like a Mister Beast game show where it's like, say, that's.

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Speaker 1: A lot to come out of the close. We're giving

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Speaker 1: you free ideas over here. Oh goodness, gracious, it's okay.

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Speaker 1: Our emails are John and Sam at we suck at email.

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Speaker 1: All right. So, my forty two male niece seventeen female

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Speaker 1: recently confided in me that she is a lesbian. I

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Speaker 1: supported her and I let her know that I'd be here,

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Speaker 1: that i'd be there for et cetera, et cetera, all

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Speaker 1: of the usual ally stuff. Yep. Top three ways to

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Speaker 1: support your lesbians. You know, how uh, how outlined are

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Speaker 1: we over here? How you know telling someone not to

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Speaker 1: come out to the tune of seven million dollars? I

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Speaker 1: don't know you're an ally.

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Speaker 2: I think we might have to check your ally cart

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Speaker 2: of the door, my friend. Well, maybe it's like maybe

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Speaker 2: it's like a donation, you know.

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Speaker 1: Like, right, I'll donate you know, seven million dollars.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Like like what if what if you're not allowed

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Speaker 2: to say you're lesbian?

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Speaker 1: Right? Right?

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Speaker 2: Like that's a condition. And then I'll donate seven million

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Speaker 2: dollars to like an.

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Speaker 1: LGBTQ plus yeah charity. Yeah, are you an ally? You know?

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Speaker 1: I I think I say yes. I think the question

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Speaker 1: is why? Why?

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Speaker 2: Because you like to create pain and suffering in the world.

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Speaker 2: That's but also good that's a big panos. You know,

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Speaker 2: you snap and you're just can't You can't just create goodness.

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Speaker 2: You have to create misery simultaneously. Yeah, the scale has

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Speaker 2: to be balanced exactly.

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Speaker 1: Now. She told me she was going to come out

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Speaker 1: to the whole world this week, the whole world. Bro. Well, well,

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Speaker 1: you got three billion followers or something. You know, she's

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Speaker 1: gonna she's gonna stand on that She's gonna be down

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Speaker 1: following climb Mount Everest, and in shallice so loudly that

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Speaker 1: it will reverberate across the those lungs of this universe.

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Speaker 1: What those lungs do? However, I let her know that

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Speaker 1: she should absolutely wait for her grandparents to be six

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Speaker 1: feet under the ground.

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Speaker 2: Hey, you can come out at all, but I want

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Speaker 2: your grandparents to be dead.

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Speaker 1: I need your grandparents doing I don't care if I

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Speaker 1: gotta do it myself. Starts oh man, yeah, this is

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Speaker 1: you know, you know, once they're dead, that's when we

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Speaker 1: collect a seven million dollars. But then we have to

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Speaker 1: deal with the feds new new true crime. But what's

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Speaker 1: what's the title Skeletons in the Closet. That's great Skeletons

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Speaker 1: in the Closet? Uh uh colon seven uh seven million?

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Speaker 1: Or the grandparents? Get it? I like it. I like it.

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Speaker 1: So my father, her grandfather is incredibly wealthy and has

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Speaker 1: tens of millions of dollars in assets that he will

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Speaker 1: be passing down once he is gone. Damn pass it

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Speaker 1: down to me. Bro.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, come on, h I'll care for you into that

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Speaker 2: good night. Oh yeah, I'll really care for you, right,

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Speaker 2: you know, take care of that saggy scrot them. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: you google it, like uh like.

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Speaker 1: I see that loose skin.

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Speaker 2: Remember in like fourth grade, there was you know, like

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Speaker 2: how in like fourth raid everyone comes up with like

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Speaker 2: weird sex things. Oh of course, yeah, So apparently the

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Speaker 2: weird sex thing in fourth grade was everyone to do

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Speaker 2: like a ball of koozie where you would get like

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Speaker 2: a like a styro froam cut, put a straw at

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Speaker 2: the bottom, and then put your balls in it, and

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Speaker 2: then the person giving the.

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Speaker 1: Ball koozy would just blow bubbles at the bottom. So

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Speaker 1: that is like ten times further than anything that was

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Speaker 1: being talked about in in fourth grade. Fourth grade, I

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Speaker 1: feel like people learned the word gay but didn't know

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Speaker 1: what it actually meant and would just be like throwing

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Speaker 1: that around there. We weren't. We weren't giving each other

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Speaker 1: like all jacuzzis. That is well, now you can that

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Speaker 1: is a that's a level of sophistication that we were

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Speaker 1: just were.

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Speaker 2: My fourth grade was awful. Bro, you're anyway yo. For

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Speaker 2: seven million dollars, I will grive your grandfather a ball COOZI.

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Speaker 1: Oh goodness, gracious, I will do more to your grandfather's

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Speaker 1: balls for seven million dollars. Be believe it, anyone, anyone

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Speaker 1: who their grandfather's saggy turned it on all the jets services,

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Speaker 1: any services your grandfather wants to be rendered to his

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Speaker 1: dragging nutsack for seven million dollars. Please let me know,

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Speaker 1: Please let me know.

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Speaker 2: Do they have like bras for old people in nutsacks.

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Speaker 2: You know, it's like at a certain point there, it's

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Speaker 2: a liability, Like you could sit in that thing and

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Speaker 2: then crust the testes.

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Speaker 1: Maybe that's like a like a meat Undies type company

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Speaker 1: that we could, you know, launch the power podcasting take

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Speaker 1: you know, ball ball fondlers, Ball fondlers. Yeah, get your

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Speaker 1: ball ball basket. Yeah, that's pretty good. Yeah. And it's

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Speaker 1: like a like a hoop or something right on the

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Speaker 1: freaking penis. Oh, it attaches to the penis and then

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Speaker 1: keeps the balls up. I was I was thinking of

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Speaker 1: a logo in front of underwear, but that is a

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Speaker 1: way more interesting idea.

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Speaker 2: Well, because like initially I was like, okay, what if

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Speaker 2: it's just a it's like kind of like a strap

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Speaker 2: over your underwear and then it just like tugs at

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Speaker 2: the bot like your balls.

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Speaker 1: But this is like a basketball net for your ballack. Basically,

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Speaker 1: that's the tagline of basketball net for your ballsack, except close.

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Speaker 2: The Michael Jordan of your your ball sack. All right,

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Speaker 2: enough times, that's alright, move on.

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Speaker 1: My father is a raging homophobe who has flat out

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Speaker 1: stated that any gay members of our family will be

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Speaker 1: written out of the will Wow. You know, I get

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Speaker 1: I get you. You grow up in a certain generation

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Speaker 1: and like that's that's that's you know, you're even though

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Speaker 1: you have been inundated. But at the same time, why

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Speaker 1: because he's a homophobe? Just I guess so. But dude,

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Speaker 1: all right, like that is quite the predictamate though, right,

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Speaker 1: I understand a hard place, Yeah, tough for Opie's needs.

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Speaker 1: Has a big decision to make seven million dollar decision

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Speaker 1: or coming out to the whole world. Yep, shit, that's

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Speaker 1: I mean, like I I can't I'm not gay, so

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Speaker 1: I couldn't quite say, but like hard considering just to wait,

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Speaker 1: you know, just to wait a couple more years, just

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Speaker 1: to wait seven million dude, come on, Grandpa, might uh

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Speaker 1: not wake up tomorrow. I'm just saying, just you know,

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Speaker 1: and it would be justified, and it would be you know,

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Speaker 1: semi very just very justified. In my opinion, I get

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Speaker 1: seven million dollars. That's the only justication. Not even that

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Speaker 1: is he's a homophobe. That my father is a raging

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Speaker 1: homophobe who has flat out stated that any gay individual

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Speaker 1: in our family would be written out of will. And

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Speaker 1: to make sure the rest of us don't just split

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Speaker 1: more money with said gay relatives. They will instead have

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Speaker 1: the portion of their inheritance put aside for that family

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Speaker 1: member donated to charitable causes. That money will be erased

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Speaker 1: from the inheritance. So basically, he's like forcibly removing them.

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Speaker 1: He's like deleting the money away. So like the uncle

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Speaker 1: couldn't just give the money. I mean, like they still could.

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Speaker 1: They still could, but they couldn't be alite. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's true. Good. Good.

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Speaker 2: So everyone is incentivized to ensure that no one's.

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Speaker 1: Right, yes, because that messes with his money. Yeah. Man,

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Speaker 1: just when you thought it was a rock and a

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Speaker 1: hard place, it gets even more complicated.

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Speaker 2: These familial dynamics are tough, bro. So glad I'm not

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Speaker 2: in one of these Reddit families. Yeah, dude, Reddit family

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Speaker 2: suck them too much.

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Speaker 1: Since both my mother and father have incredibly poor health,

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Speaker 1: stage four cancer and debilitating dementia, respectively, I told my

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Speaker 1: niece that she should stay in the closet for just

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Speaker 1: just a little bit longer, just an easy weedsy bit longer.

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Speaker 1: You can't be your real self, bro, you know, just

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Speaker 1: be yourself like elsewhere. Jeez. If she's so, it's so hard.

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Speaker 1: This is a really tough one. If she comes out

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Speaker 1: as lesbian and they find out she will quite literally

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Speaker 1: lose out on seven million dollars. Bro yea does she care?

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Speaker 1: Let's find out she was a little sad, but also

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Speaker 1: appreciative since this is obviously a life changing amount of

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Speaker 1: money that will allow her to live luxuriously until she dies.

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Speaker 1: Oh you are dude. You're chilling. Bro. You throw that

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Speaker 1: in like like Vanguard or just some basic like any

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Speaker 1: basic investment, say.

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Speaker 2: You're making and you're making some you're making cash. That's

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Speaker 2: a like fire like financial independence, retire early. Yeah, Like

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Speaker 2: it's if it's like what if you can you can convene,

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Speaker 2: like very safely withdraw four percent for the rest of

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Speaker 2: your life and live comfortably.

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Speaker 1: And that's not even mentioning the interest.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, well no, that so that so that's that that

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Speaker 2: would be the interesting So what would that be? What

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Speaker 2: would that be? So seven million times zero point oh four,

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Speaker 2: so she could comfortably spend two hundred and eighty thousand

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Speaker 2: dollars a year and never deplete that seven minutes.

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Speaker 1: Like the seven million stay the same and she and

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Speaker 1: she has two hundred and eighty k to use it

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Speaker 1: probably increases. Yeah, I'll probably yeah, we'll probably go more

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Speaker 1: than that. Good God, Wow, damn damn. My wife, however,

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Speaker 1: said that I was being an a hole. I am

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Speaker 1: telling this poor girl to hide who she is to

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Speaker 1: appease these old bigots. That is true. I am out

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Speaker 1: it's seven million dollars, like it's seven million dollars. God,

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Speaker 1: it's seven million dollars. That is true. I am asking

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Speaker 1: her to appease old bigots. But I feel like her

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Speaker 1: life quality will be much better with seven million dollars

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Speaker 1: at the cost of one to two years tops in

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Speaker 1: the closet. I have also seen my father's will and

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Speaker 1: know exactly who is getting what, So my niece is

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Speaker 1: definitely going to receive seven million dollars so long as

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Speaker 1: my father doesn't rewrite or edit his will AKA not

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Speaker 1: find out. Wow. Am I the asshole for telling my

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Speaker 1: niece to stay in the closet so she can be

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Speaker 1: a millionaire? Okay, okay here, I have some thoughts. I

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Speaker 1: have some thoughts. I have some thoughts. So I do

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Speaker 1: not think that op is the a hole for telling

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Speaker 1: the stakes, but she gets to choose whether she wants

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Speaker 1: it exactly. I think it's like Hey, here's this information.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna communicate this to you. You and make it clear,

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Speaker 1: like you decide what you want to do, you know.

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Speaker 1: He he's definitely like hinting yeah, which, in fairness is

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Speaker 1: not terrible. I don't think. Yeah. I mean, seven million

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Speaker 1: dollars is just seven million dollars, bro, life change, life

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Speaker 1: changing money. And as long as you hide it from

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Speaker 1: the Grandpa, then you're in the clear. I mean.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but it is I mean hiding your identity for

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Speaker 2: a couple of years. And you know, when you're young,

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Speaker 2: like that young, you probably don't care about that money too.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: So I think the best that OP can do is

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Speaker 2: just say like, hey, here are the consequences of what happens.

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Speaker 2: It sucks, but this is what happens. You choose.

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Speaker 1: I think if he forced her, he would be the

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Speaker 1: hold up, Yeah, but damn bro, seven million, that's right.

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Speaker 1: You decide, Yeah, what do you do? What do you

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Speaker 1: do