Speaker 1: The Nicky Glizer Podcast.
Speaker 2: Glaser pos.
Speaker 3: Here's Nikki.
Speaker 1: Hello here, I am welcome to the show.
Speaker 3: It's Nicki Glazer Podcast. This is our second one of
Speaker 3: the week. Yeah it is. We might have something special.
Speaker 3: Did anything that was my favorite thing that I did
Speaker 3: on f Boy Island that I don't even know if
Speaker 3: it aired, and I've talked about it here before, I think,
Speaker 3: but it was like tonight you will face elimination and
Speaker 3: we want to know who is going to this that
Speaker 3: like I would just turn it. I would like morph
Speaker 3: into that voice of like ahay all and people will
Speaker 3: be like, what is she even saying? It was so
Speaker 3: fun And I love doing that voice because it gets
Speaker 3: you out of actually having to write a joke because
Speaker 3: you just say jibberish and the jokes.
Speaker 2: It's a satire of the art for.
Speaker 3: Sad.
Speaker 2: What it's saying is nothing that I say.
Speaker 3: It matters, yes, And I mean sometimes with comedy though,
Speaker 3: like you can just make a funny noise or funny
Speaker 3: face and the joke doesn't have to be funny literally
Speaker 3: at all. But if you say it like and I
Speaker 3: under like, people are like, oh my god. Like sometimes
Speaker 3: I'll do that with a joke. To just give it
Speaker 3: some crutches to get across the street before it is
Speaker 3: ready to run on its own, because it's not funny yet.
Speaker 2: That works for a time, and then if you don't
Speaker 2: back it up with actual material, you wind up getting backlash.
Speaker 1: Or you can only do it once too.
Speaker 3: You can't get that voice multiple times, and then people
Speaker 3: catch on and then they start making fun of you.
Speaker 2: Imagine your whole set was like that.
Speaker 1: What were you gonna say about that voice?
Speaker 3: Sorry?
Speaker 2: Well, like I just remember that Dane Cook got flack
Speaker 2: for that in two thousand and four or whatever because
Speaker 2: he would just it wasn't really voices, he would say
Speaker 2: just words.
Speaker 1: Strange just came up with a yeah.
Speaker 3: They they decided that, oh, here is Dane Cook's trick.
Speaker 1: Now we're going to reveal it.
Speaker 3: And so you're not gonna be amazed by David Copperfield anymore.
Speaker 3: Like here's how this guy is making you laugh. And
Speaker 3: guess what. Everyone has a fucking trick for every joke.
Speaker 3: And it was hilarious the way he said things. And yeah,
Speaker 3: sometimes you the tool gets old and people grow accustomed
Speaker 3: to it and you got to get a new one.
Speaker 1: But that when it was working, that was a Dane
Speaker 1: Cook's way.
Speaker 3: Of like, what's an example of it, Brian, I'm I'll
Speaker 3: definitely butcher it.
Speaker 2: I can't think of a specific one. But he has
Speaker 2: this kool Aid joke where the guy where the kool
Speaker 2: Aid Man bursts through.
Speaker 3: That's hilarious because of that's because he's just saying the
Speaker 3: cooyman comes in and like destroys a person's house.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then he leaves an explain to my mom
Speaker 2: that there's a hole. They're gonna believe that a giant
Speaker 2: fruit punch man burst through the wall.
Speaker 3: And the Family Guy did a thing like where they
Speaker 3: did the cartoon of it where the he bursts in.
Speaker 3: I just have a memory of him like kind of
Speaker 3: easing back out of the whole. Sorry, I kind of
Speaker 3: freaked out. I'm embarrassed.
Speaker 2: That's the thing about Family Guy and uh curse Seth
Speaker 2: MacFarlane for doing this. But Family Guy has done every
Speaker 2: joke that The Simpsons hasn't.
Speaker 3: Done so and done everything.
Speaker 2: Yeah, if you combine those two shows, there's no jokes left.
Speaker 3: Great, you know what, Great, I don't care you know
Speaker 3: what if we if you find it's like I was
Speaker 3: reading an article because I'm trying to be smarter about
Speaker 3: Like last night, I just really wanted to read about
Speaker 3: you know, j Loo and Bann or whatever, but instead
Speaker 3: I was like, there was something that piqued my interest
Speaker 3: about a paleontologist, like how paleontologists are guys that dig
Speaker 3: up dinosaur bones and women are generally like kind of sociopaths.
Speaker 4: Wait a minute, like they dig up women or dinosaur bones.
Speaker 3: Women's dinosaur women dinosaur bones only.
Speaker 2: Yes they can.
Speaker 3: They have smaller brains, yes, high heels and they have
Speaker 3: bunions from high heels. Yeah, So they're notoriously like kind
Speaker 3: of crazy people and they're really good. Yeah. Well, I
Speaker 3: mean I know it's but it doesn't sound like to me.
Speaker 3: I would just be like, oh, that's a really measured
Speaker 3: scientist who's very meticulous and takes a lot of time
Speaker 3: with their work. I'm also reading about rock climbers. I'm
Speaker 3: reading this book that a bestie recommended called The Color
Speaker 3: of Everything, and it's about a guy who is a
Speaker 3: photojournalist that covered the world of climbing. I forget his name.
Speaker 3: I'm such a piece of shit. No, will you look
Speaker 3: it up? This guy. It's called The Color of Everything.
Speaker 3: It's a really popular book and I'm loving it. So
Speaker 3: to the bestie who wrote to Anya about Corey Richards book,
Speaker 3: Corey Richards, Yeah, he's like this hot dude that was
Speaker 3: like a rock climber and then also was in like
Speaker 3: rehab when he was like a runaway kid and he
Speaker 3: had all He writes, he's a frost name life, but
Speaker 3: he's they are nuts, but so are paleontologists. So I
Speaker 3: got halfway through this New Yorker article, which I really recommend.
Speaker 1: It's from like it's from a long time ago.
Speaker 3: But I was on a subreddit about this paleontologist feud
Speaker 3: that's happening. There's a New York Maga article about this
Speaker 3: guy and another girl, uh, who are excavating this site
Speaker 3: that might be a snapshot of when the asteroid hit
Speaker 3: the Earth and destroyed all the dinosaurs, like whenever you
Speaker 3: know it hit in the Yucatan Peninsula, but it's up
Speaker 3: in Montana, I think, I believe. And he found this
Speaker 3: site and he was like an amateur paleontologist, like he
Speaker 3: worked for the University of Kansas as like an he
Speaker 3: was like in grad school there and he didn't have
Speaker 3: he wasn't even like he was just on this dig
Speaker 3: he found this this property that this guy had, and
Speaker 3: he sees all these fish are like in this one
Speaker 3: sediment of layer, the sediment of the earth, you know,
Speaker 3: like a thin layer that was around where that thing
Speaker 3: would have hit. And he goes in and he looks
Speaker 3: at these crystals that are but like the fish just
Speaker 3: look like they're in regular gravel or silt or whatever
Speaker 3: is deposited there. Generally during that time that all the
Speaker 3: paleontologists are like, yawn, we're used to this. But then
Speaker 3: he looks at under the microscope and he's like, these
Speaker 3: are crystals that are the result of an asteroid falling
Speaker 3: and then shooting like a volcanic spewing lava into the air,
Speaker 3: and then it's falling back to Earth, it crystallizes and
Speaker 3: it shed this crystal all over the place. But this
Speaker 3: article that was linked in the subreddit, So anyway, the
Speaker 3: New York Magazine article came out yesterday. I was reading
Speaker 3: the comments of that on the Instagram. People were talking
Speaker 3: about the article itself, and someone said, actually, the best
Speaker 3: article about this same guy who's in this feud with
Speaker 3: this woman over this land. It's an interesting I haven't
Speaker 3: read the magazine one. But in the comments, this woman said.
Speaker 3: This guy was also featured in a New Yorker magazine
Speaker 3: article called The Year the World Died. And so I
Speaker 3: go to my New Yorker app, but I'm like, I
Speaker 3: want to read that, Like that just sounds interesting. The
Speaker 3: Year the World Died all about this when the asteroid hit,
Speaker 3: which they only found in nineteen ninety one. They found
Speaker 3: the spot where the asteroid that destroyed dinosaurs on Earth
Speaker 3: and brought about the ice age. They found it in
Speaker 3: the Yucatan Peninsula only in nineteen ninety one.
Speaker 1: So, and if you're Christian, disregard all of this.
Speaker 3: Just go ahead, because these are so God planted all
Speaker 3: these mysteries for us to solve and to question, to
Speaker 3: test our faith. So in nineteen onety one they discover
Speaker 3: this asteroid that tested our faith in Jesus. But anyway,
Speaker 3: so this guy, you you read this New york Er
Speaker 3: it's it says that it gives you the option for
Speaker 3: it to be read to you. I don't know if
Speaker 3: you guys have those on your Oh I never do that,
Speaker 3: but I always know how long it's going to take me. Now,
Speaker 3: because it said sixty three minutes, I go to read
Speaker 3: a wow, I go, how long is it? So I
Speaker 3: scroll and I go, I think I can probably do
Speaker 3: this in about thirty five. Like I'm a pretty fast reader,
Speaker 3: I have to say, But I really am. And I
Speaker 3: am a fast reader because I've like showed Chris things
Speaker 3: and we both looked at the same paragraph and he
Speaker 3: is very well read, like extremely smart, and he's a
Speaker 3: more measured person. But I get through it and I
Speaker 3: got to say half the time. And it's not because
Speaker 3: he's like, it's not that hard to read fast. It's
Speaker 3: hard to absorb what yours. It's not bad. I actually
Speaker 3: got a app on my phone called Elevate that I
Speaker 3: did a seven day free trial for and it was
Speaker 3: I was having a lot of fun with it, and
Speaker 3: I was like, oh my god, I'm learning new vocabulary.
Speaker 3: It was marketed to me as learning new vocabulary. Are
Speaker 3: you sick of sounding stupid? Like It's one of my
Speaker 3: biggest pet peeves about myself is I can't find interesting
Speaker 3: words when I want to go yeah. And I listened
Speaker 3: to Sam Harris or even Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Speaker 3: like on their podcast they are constantly using really just
Speaker 3: grate vocabulary that isn't like pretentious, but it definitely elevates
Speaker 3: the conversation and makes what they're saying more interesting because
Speaker 3: I they're just putting you know. That's that's what's good
Speaker 3: about using different words is it will give more meaning
Speaker 3: to the word you're trying to say it like Pepper's
Speaker 3: it with seasons, it with other feelings that you have.
Speaker 3: So sad, you could say another word that I can't
Speaker 3: think of, Like, so this was the app.
Speaker 1: It was just like sad.
Speaker 3: And then it was like type tip type of syn
Speaker 3: in them and you have to You're like Maria can think,
Speaker 3: oh my god, they would have loved morose. They would
Speaker 3: have given and you like a triple score for that
Speaker 3: because they would have all the synonyms listed and they go,
Speaker 3: oh easy one and they give you one star, you know,
Speaker 3: a two star whatever kind of stamp. But then it
Speaker 3: started give me repeat ones within two games, like the
Speaker 3: same words, and I'm like, I can cheat now, like
Speaker 3: I know you want the same ras or insidious or whatever.
Speaker 2: They don't have enough of a database, yeah.
Speaker 1: And they need more of one.
Speaker 3: So I canceled it because I was gonna I was
Speaker 3: gonna let it fly and spend forty dollars a year
Speaker 3: for this because I was like, this is going to
Speaker 3: be my brain training thing because I felt it working.
Speaker 3: It felt like the kind of improv game you were
Speaker 3: talking about, Brian that like gets your mind, just like
Speaker 3: Bag of Fun. It was like Bag of Fun, but
Speaker 3: for specific words that you need to express.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I kind of want to try this
Speaker 2: because that's my my Yeah. I mean, it's the bane
Speaker 2: of my existence is not being able to recall words,
Speaker 2: and it strikes me with fear every time I can
Speaker 2: do it, because I think my brain is starting to decay.
Speaker 3: Wait, you think it's getting worse. Decay is a really
Speaker 3: good word, by the way, Do you think it's getting
Speaker 3: worse or do you have you always felt this way?
Speaker 3: Because I will say that I think mine is also
Speaker 3: getting worse. But I also think that because I'm consuming
Speaker 3: people that I really admire who I know are within
Speaker 3: my same intelligence. Not Sam Harris and possibly not Matt
Speaker 3: Rogers and Bowen Yang. They're so intelligent, but I feel
Speaker 3: like they are at least like I can reach what
Speaker 3: I want to do what they are doing, and I
Speaker 3: know I could reach it. I just know, and I
Speaker 3: aspire to that. So I'm kind of like down on
Speaker 3: myself a lot about it. Is it something you found
Speaker 3: that you have always wanted to do or is it
Speaker 3: slipping away now?
Speaker 2: Well? No, it's I feel like it's it's related to stress.
Speaker 2: Like the more stressed I am, the worse my recall is.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, I mean the more stress you are, the
Speaker 3: more everything sucks.
Speaker 2: No, everything sucks? Yeah?
Speaker 3: Does anything get better from stress? Um, your cortisol level
Speaker 3: is like fu, yeah, we're killing Well, if you want
Speaker 3: to die soon.
Speaker 1: Sure, yeah, okay, suicide if.
Speaker 2: You want, If you need to get something done really
Speaker 2: quickly by a deadline, stress can be helpful. A small
Speaker 2: amount of stress is helpful. It's just wanting to evade
Speaker 2: an accumulates over time and becomes chronic. Then it becomes
Speaker 2: a huge detriment to every part of your life.
Speaker 3: Dude, I was thinking about it, and I know this
Speaker 3: is so simple and been said a million times, but like,
Speaker 3: and maybe I said it on the podcast before because
Speaker 3: I've told a couple of people this, but just having
Speaker 3: the realization of, like, why when things are totally smooth
Speaker 3: do I freak out? It's because we were never supposed
Speaker 3: to just be calm.
Speaker 1: When we were like animals.
Speaker 3: There was there's not a single You're not ever supposed
Speaker 3: to really feel safe unless you're like, you know, hibernating
Speaker 3: or especially us. We was always if there was ever
Speaker 3: like a time where you felt like I have everything
Speaker 3: I want, there was never that time because there was
Speaker 3: always food to be searched for. There was always hunger
Speaker 3: just around the corner. There was always something you should
Speaker 3: be doing. Honestly, it felt like working at a Latin
Speaker 3: cafe in college. He would always like, you should never
Speaker 3: have a break. You could always be doing something, and
Speaker 3: I'm like, that's that was that And I was like,
Speaker 3: but I don't want to wash the menus or what
Speaker 3: you know what I mean, but there's always stuff to
Speaker 3: be doing when you're an animal, and when we have
Speaker 3: like time to like just relax, like that isn't built
Speaker 3: into our DNA yet, I mean, but.
Speaker 2: It's definitely killing that stuff with useless like scrolling on
Speaker 2: our phones and things like that.
Speaker 3: Well, your brain wants to do something. It's panicking that
Speaker 3: you are. If you're lazy, you are gonna fucking die
Speaker 3: because the winter's coming. I mean, it's it's no wonder kid.
Speaker 2: And then that takes up all your time and then
Speaker 2: you don't have any like you don't have any.
Speaker 3: Well, yeah, having a kid is also that biological urge
Speaker 3: that that comes in. Noah, what were you gonna say?
Speaker 4: I was gonna say, it's also a way to appreciate
Speaker 4: the privileges that we have that people like hundreds of
Speaker 4: thousands of years ago didn't have.
Speaker 3: Yeah, oh my god.
Speaker 4: And at the same at the same time, I was
Speaker 4: going to say, we have a lot of cottontail rabbits
Speaker 4: around here, and whenever I look at them out the window,
Speaker 4: you just see this rabbit just like constantly just going
Speaker 4: like is there anyone here? And like you could actually
Speaker 4: see its heart just like yeah, pumping, even when he's
Speaker 4: sitting still in the in the ground.
Speaker 3: On goodness like that. Yeah, yeah, some of us are,
Speaker 3: though we know people like that, right. And Chris, sometimes
Speaker 3: when the dog sleeps in our bed, he will have
Speaker 3: a bad night's sleep because the dog will be on
Speaker 3: him and he doesn't want to move because he doesn't
Speaker 3: want the So Chris will have like a bed sore
Speaker 3: because he doesn't want to disturb this dog.
Speaker 1: And he had a bad night's sleep the other night.
Speaker 3: And I said to Chris, I go you. You can't
Speaker 3: do this to yourself. He's like, I know, and I
Speaker 3: go listen to me. Listen to me. These dogs. Have
Speaker 3: you seen our dog. She can be deep in sleep
Speaker 3: her like she's running in her sleep, having a dream,
Speaker 3: deep in ram her eyes are going wild, and then
Speaker 3: a slight set the door. She'll hear something out in
Speaker 3: the door, and then she'll get up and like run
Speaker 3: to the door and then go back over and get
Speaker 3: right back into that sleep. That is the that's the thing.
Speaker 3: Animals don't suffer. When they can get rest, they get
Speaker 3: it quickly. They don't need to like listen to a
Speaker 3: meditation app like dogs can. So they as much as
Speaker 3: they are like skittish, I think that when there is
Speaker 3: rest to be had, they can absolutely grab it in
Speaker 3: that moment. They don't need to like met Kate or
Speaker 3: you know, find melotonin. And in nature, you.
Speaker 2: Can over coddle yourself with these corrective tools to you know,
Speaker 2: go to sleep or to make yourself feel more comfortable.
Speaker 2: And you wind up just becoming soft and weak, and
Speaker 2: you just require you become soft.
Speaker 3: And we no, you're right. You require too many things.
Speaker 2: You're just like all of a sudden, you need all
Speaker 2: of these things just to feel normal.
Speaker 3: No, I need a cold room. It has been so
Speaker 3: hot in Saint Louis that my cold room that I
Speaker 3: don't even want to leave this apartment building because of
Speaker 3: how cold I can get the fucking room. I mean
Speaker 3: my ideal temperature if I could pick one to sleep
Speaker 3: with at night. And I'm not joking. We had this
Speaker 3: conversation over the weekend. Fifty eight degrees would be my deal.
Speaker 3: Now it does not get down to that in my room, obviously,
Speaker 3: U sixty two is what I set the thing for,
Speaker 3: and it will get down to sixty two.
Speaker 1: And yes, a big blanket to get under.
Speaker 3: I love it. I love it that, but it's seventy degrees. Yeah, No,
Speaker 3: you're right. Camping does appeal to me for that, but
Speaker 3: I don't want it. I want it cold in our
Speaker 3: in our tent then yeah wow. And I also don't
Speaker 3: want to get eaten or attacked by a bear in
Speaker 3: the middle of the night. That's also something that prevents
Speaker 3: me from getting like that.
Speaker 2: I'll solve your other problem of you know, you're supposed
Speaker 2: to be constantly on edge.
Speaker 3: That's a good point.
Speaker 2: Camping sounds amazing for you.
Speaker 3: Well, I've open to it. I am open. I literally
Speaker 3: am open to it. After I went to Kellen's backyard
Speaker 3: and saw Michigan and was like, I kind of like outdoor,
Speaker 3: like this is this is a vibe. I kind of
Speaker 3: want to get and just go in that lake and float.
Speaker 3: But I will say that I now need a sleep mask.
Speaker 3: I need sixty two degrees. I need like a comforter
Speaker 3: that's I need a top sheet. I will not just
Speaker 3: sleep with a comforter. Like I need a special pillow
Speaker 3: that is satin and cradles my face like it's my pillow.
Speaker 3: And if I don't have it, I really don't, Like
Speaker 3: I'm such a pussy. I need a big T shirt
Speaker 3: and underwear I don't. I do not want pajamas. I
Speaker 3: do not want. I cannot sleep in long sleeves, I
Speaker 3: cannot sleep in a song. And I will not sleep
Speaker 3: with no underwear. And I my sister when we were
Speaker 3: in Vienna did not have any underwear because we were
Speaker 3: our bags were stuck or whatever, and she had to
Speaker 3: sleep with no underwear one night and she got a
Speaker 3: horrible night's sleep and we decided later on we were talking,
Speaker 3: she was like, yeah, I had to sleep with no underwear.
Speaker 3: She goes, I think that's why I couldn't sleep, and
Speaker 3: I go, that is why it's hell to sleep with
Speaker 3: no underwear for me.
Speaker 2: No, it's shocked.
Speaker 1: NO likes it.
Speaker 3: I don't want my vagina slipping around. And for some
Speaker 3: reason I don't have underwear and I'm sleeping, my vagina
Speaker 3: gets sweaty, I think, or it gets sweaty. And you
Speaker 3: know when you think, it's like you forget toyoder it
Speaker 3: and your pit starts sweating. Like that's what my vagina
Speaker 3: does when it doesn't have protection. I cannot have a
Speaker 3: nude vigin. I don't like it. Now there's not stuff
Speaker 3: hanging out. I don't have to keep it all in.
Speaker 3: That's not what I'm saying. It's even when it's tucked up.
Speaker 2: I don't layer of fabric is enough to protect you
Speaker 2: from whatever.
Speaker 1: It's not even what's going to attack my vagina.
Speaker 3: I just don't. I just feel gross.
Speaker 2: Yeah no, yeah, you don't want that bear fluids and
Speaker 2: as you so you're going to go back, you know,
Speaker 2: cleaning your sheets every day.
Speaker 1: No, I definitely am not.
Speaker 3: No, I'm def so that's a good point, but I
Speaker 3: will I do recommend reading this article just to get
Speaker 3: back to it, because it just talks you through what
Speaker 3: happened physically to our planet when it got slammed into
Speaker 3: by like a twenty mile long asteroid. And it's just like,
Speaker 3: I just want to see. I'm sure there's YouTube videos
Speaker 3: of it, but I just want to It's so nuts
Speaker 3: to hear what happened. It's like ninety nine point nine
Speaker 3: nine nine nine percent of biological life died on the
Speaker 3: planet almost instantly. It's like vulk like. But before that,
Speaker 3: dinosaurs were kind of they predict dinosaurs were kind of
Speaker 3: on their way out. They were almost extinct when the
Speaker 3: asteroid hit. Isn't that kind of crazy? Yes, I mean
Speaker 3: they could have been going no arms, I mean and
Speaker 3: then oh there was a discussion about, oh, we're well
Speaker 3: they had to start over. I know that everything had
Speaker 3: to start over. Is a big reset.
Speaker 2: Well, there are some that survived. They were they're like
Speaker 2: very specific creatures that survived, most of them underwater, and
Speaker 2: then yeah, they became birds. There's one, I believe there's one.
Speaker 2: There's one type of sea creature that survived. I mean,
Speaker 2: sharks have been around for a long time, but there's
Speaker 2: one type of sea creature that has survived since that
Speaker 2: time really evolved.
Speaker 3: I didn't get through the whole thing, but I am like,
Speaker 3: I got to read Sapiens.
Speaker 2: I think.
Speaker 1: I think that's where all of this answer.
Speaker 2: That's a real slog.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I know. I started the summer. It felt like
Speaker 3: spark notes for like a for all every single social
Speaker 3: studies book you had. Yeah, spark notes are even too
Speaker 3: long sometimes. Okay, we got to go to break. I'll
Speaker 3: come back right back after this, and we're going to
Speaker 3: talk about the big, big announcement, which I'm sure you
Speaker 3: all saw the Golden Globes right after this.
Speaker 1: All Right, we're back. It's announced this morning.
Speaker 2: Unbelievable, unbelievable.
Speaker 3: I can't can I toasting the eighty second Golden Globes
Speaker 3: annual Annual Golden Globes.
Speaker 2: I think I know what Noah's going to say, Well.
Speaker 4: I was going to say, I cannot believe. Okay, here's
Speaker 4: a little humble brag. I feel like I know a
Speaker 4: lot of Nikky's secret things that are coming up. I
Speaker 4: had no idea.
Speaker 3: No one knew. My assistant, my closest person who's in
Speaker 3: my calendar, in my like, she's in everything. She didn't know. Emily,
Speaker 3: my social media girl, she didn't know. She's the one
Speaker 3: that had to like post like help me post about
Speaker 3: her whatever, and she's like, what, like, no one knew?
Speaker 3: The only crazy you know? I was just I didn't
Speaker 3: want to lose it and I'm tired of being a
Speaker 3: little yapper. Is what we're getting called. Chris did know
Speaker 3: because he was in the car when I got the
Speaker 3: call and I answered the call them knowing he was
Speaker 3: in the car. They were fine with him knowing because
Speaker 3: they figure, you're gonna tell your It was just my
Speaker 3: agent and manager and then and they were the first ones.
Speaker 3: It was like, I'm probably not even supposed to reveal
Speaker 3: how it goes down, but I'm if this is.
Speaker 4: That's it the d I mean, can we talk like
Speaker 4: a little bit about what it felt like to get
Speaker 4: the announcement?
Speaker 3: Stuff like, yeah, it felt that well, I've known about
Speaker 3: it for a little bit, but I didn't know it
Speaker 3: was like one hundred percent happening until a couple of
Speaker 3: days ago. But I knew it might be happening and
Speaker 3: was maybe like ninety nine percent sure happening for a
Speaker 3: little bit, but didn't know one hundred percent until like
Speaker 3: you know yesterday and then I honestly, the show is
Speaker 3: January fifth. I didn't think they would tell people till December.
Speaker 3: So I just thought I had to keep this secret
Speaker 3: from everyone in my life. And I literally listen in
Speaker 3: the past, I've got booked on things, and I'm sorry,
Speaker 3: Dancing with the Stars. My best friend's knew before it
Speaker 3: was announced on ABC Good Morning America. You want to
Speaker 3: assume me now, I don't know that statute is probably
Speaker 3: up at this point. I think it's seven years. Oh shit,
Speaker 3: I'm still in it. But yeah, you tell people you're
Speaker 3: their close knit. But this is like so big that
Speaker 3: I was like, I can't if I stupidly tell the
Speaker 3: wrong person.
Speaker 1: And it would be my fault.
Speaker 3: I wouldn't even be mad at them, you know, Like,
Speaker 3: I just can't risk this. It's all up to me
Speaker 3: to keep this in. So I didn't tell anyone. Chris knew,
Speaker 3: and my parents knew. But I only told my parents yesterday,
Speaker 3: and I really put the fear of God in them,
Speaker 3: like they weren't even talking to each other about it
Speaker 3: and they both know. And then I whispered it to
Speaker 3: my sister during a pilates class. But that was what
Speaker 3: it was. She was the first person I told. I'm
Speaker 3: sorry to everyone who told me not to tell anyone.
Speaker 3: You know, you got to tell your personal family. You
Speaker 3: tell your family too. And my family they're in Saint Louis.
Speaker 3: They're not connected to the biz, and they also seriously
Speaker 3: depend on me making millions of dollars, so they're not
Speaker 3: gonna tell book at any They know it would jeopardize it,
Speaker 3: uh because yeah, their kids want to go to college.
Speaker 3: So anyway, Yeah, I last night, all of a sudden,
Speaker 3: they were like, the announcement's coming tomorrow, and I was like,
Speaker 3: I literally didn't think it would be till November or December.
Speaker 3: So it was really that's exciting because, as I've said before,
Speaker 3: the announcements always like the most exciting part of anything
Speaker 3: because you don't it's no work, you know.
Speaker 2: Let's get that.
Speaker 3: I had Chris, and I wrote a statement that I
Speaker 3: had to because there's a press release and they want
Speaker 3: a quote from you. So we worked for like an
Speaker 3: hour on a quote, which was a little long, like
Speaker 3: got to the point where Chris was like, well, let's
Speaker 3: reconsider this, and I go, I don't think I want
Speaker 3: to work on this anymore. I think it's just gonna
Speaker 3: have to be good as it is. And that's like
Speaker 3: an interesting place to hit where you're like, we haven't
Speaker 3: nailed it. It's not like perfect because it's not like
Speaker 3: what I would want on my tombstone. It's in terms
Speaker 3: of a quote, but you have to determine if you're
Speaker 3: going to be a perfectionist about everything. Yeah, it was
Speaker 3: you just go, Okay, this is a quote that most
Speaker 3: people won't even get to because press releases aren't really
Speaker 3: red and full by most people. And yes, I wanted
Speaker 3: to be kind of funny, but like, I don't need
Speaker 3: to devote more than an hour to this. An hour
Speaker 3: already seems way too much and if you overthink something
Speaker 3: too much, it can get worse. So I just said, okay, job,
Speaker 3: letting go true.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and he looked at it.
Speaker 3: Was an interesting moment because you know, we're like creative collaborators,
Speaker 3: and his mo is to really make something as best
Speaker 3: as it could be. And I was like, he goes,
Speaker 3: so I think maybe we send it to this person.
Speaker 3: And I go, I actually think I'm done working on it,
Speaker 3: and he's like, but it's and I and we just
Speaker 3: kind of looked at each other like and he's like okay,
Speaker 3: like he just he knew I was at my limit,
Speaker 3: and uh we decided to move on. But yeah, so
Speaker 3: that that's just the start of it though, and then
Speaker 3: and then the announcement went out, and then this morning
Speaker 3: the quote on my and you have to like put
Speaker 3: a quote on your Instagram and they have to like
Speaker 3: people approve it. I don't know if they approve it
Speaker 3: or someone was approving it, maybe my team and my
Speaker 3: quote was I like did it this morning? I woke
Speaker 3: up and they're like, okay, we're good to go with this,
Speaker 3: and I was like, I hate that kind of and
Speaker 3: I like kind of freaked out, and I wrote some
Speaker 3: friends being like what what's the best And then I
Speaker 3: had to tell that person, Hey, I'm hosting the Golden Globes.
Speaker 3: It's being announced in one minute. Can you help me
Speaker 3: think of a caption? And so we spitballed, and then
Speaker 3: we just came up with a joke about my tits
Speaker 3: being golden, and I was just like, okay, why not,
Speaker 3: you know what, It's an Instagram caption and it did
Speaker 3: make me laugh, even though it seemed like the obvious joke.
Speaker 3: So that's and then and then within minutes text message
Speaker 3: of like it being posted, who's dming you?
Speaker 1: Like the first person to text you.
Speaker 3: I just want to give a shout out to the
Speaker 3: first person who is must get alerts from Variety Magazine
Speaker 3: on their phoners. Actually, she did text me three times
Speaker 3: asking for money in the thirty seconds after it got posted. Nick,
Speaker 3: we've asked six times. Now they're starting to count the
Speaker 3: number of times they've asked. Yeah, they're getting like gonna
Speaker 3: mean at me. But it was Kevin Clancy from KFC Radio,
Speaker 3: who is always such an avid supporter of mine, one
Speaker 3: of my favorite people to podcasts with, and uh just
Speaker 3: one of honestly one of my favorite people. So funny,
Speaker 3: so nice, always been really supportive. I think he's so hilarious,
Speaker 3: So that meant a lot. And then it was like,
Speaker 3: you know who was my agent's all on a text together.
Speaker 3: And then it's like Mike Kaplan producers I've worked with
Speaker 3: in the past, Chris's brother, Rick Glassman, Greg Warren, Ari Finling,
Speaker 3: Jackie Kashin, my two makeup artists that I've worked with,
Speaker 3: Travis Kelsey's agent, Micah Fox, Matt Rogers. Shout out to
Speaker 3: Matt Rodgers, who got my number. I'm such I've become
Speaker 3: such an insane fan of Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Speaker 3: since last cultuesas I've always loved them, but it's like
Speaker 3: I'm getting a little bit obsessive, almost like did you
Speaker 3: can't me?
Speaker 4: I was like, Alm, did you hear Matt?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I watched his whole Christmas special that he's amazing.
Speaker 3: He's so talented. I'm obsessed. But he texted me being
Speaker 3: like it's Matt Rogers and I'm like, oh my god.
Speaker 3: And then I asked I straight up was like the
Speaker 3: only thing I went from this Golden Globes is a
Speaker 3: chance to maybe present at the Culture Awards next year.
Speaker 3: And they said, you're booked, and I don't know if
Speaker 3: I can announce that, but I think they probably will
Speaker 3: on their podcast. But I am doing the Culture Awards.
Speaker 3: I will be presenting there. But which is an award
Speaker 3: show that their podcast puts on. It's so fucking funny.
Speaker 3: Renee co Tier, Andrew Collins, Stacy Wardrobe from Foil and
Speaker 3: Tyler Florence, Emil Joachim Ryan, my social media guy, uh
Speaker 3: a producer that I used to work with at Conan.
Speaker 3: I mean, my guy the head of comedy that flicks
Speaker 3: so many people Brian uh and Noah, you said a
Speaker 3: nice thing, thanks for posting on your stories. Everyone's just
Speaker 3: so nice and excited and and yeah a lot.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean it's an incredible cat.
Speaker 3: Yeah. He he's always a really you know, there's some
Speaker 3: people that you always hear from when there's good stuff
Speaker 3: going on, and he's one of them.
Speaker 2: Now, let's name the people who didn't reach out. Yo.
Speaker 3: Yeah, let me get to that list, because I'm already
Speaker 3: compiling it. Mom.
Speaker 4: No, she definitely wrote out. I wrote to me, what
Speaker 4: did your parents say? I know they were so loud,
Speaker 4: but my god, they go.
Speaker 3: Mom goes, that woman just heard you because we were
Speaker 3: like at a restaurant and I whispered and I'm like, no,
Speaker 3: she didn't. She's watching the DNC on her phone. She goes, No,
Speaker 3: they hurt you. Guys should have seen these two people.
Speaker 3: There's no way they heard. There's no way they would
Speaker 3: care or even know what that was. They were like
Speaker 3: actively talking and watching the DNC on their phones at
Speaker 3: a restaurant loudly, like they weren't listening. They they weren't
Speaker 3: a where anyone was near them, let alone conversations were
Speaker 3: happening that they could, but my mom goes they hurt,
Speaker 3: and then I started getting paranoid and I'm like, no,
Speaker 3: I shouldn't be. They did not, but she was just
Speaker 3: like they're so proud. They're just like we can't believe it.
Speaker 3: And then my dad like writes me later on being like,
Speaker 3: I'm still processing it.
Speaker 1: So cute, so.
Speaker 2: Proud, surreal. I mean, it's one of those things that
Speaker 2: your parents, like you probably don't have to deal with
Speaker 2: this anymore, but like when you're first starting out comedy,
Speaker 2: you get all these huge successes that are impossible to achieve,
Speaker 2: and your parents just don't understand what that even means
Speaker 2: or how hard it was.
Speaker 1: Mine always did.
Speaker 2: Oh, they just always did.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm kind of lucky in that way. I know
Speaker 3: that that does that Listen. They didn't always get it,
Speaker 3: Like they didn't understand how I was gonna make money.
Speaker 3: My mom's still worried that I'm spending too much money
Speaker 3: and that I'm gonna that I need a backup plan, like,
Speaker 3: but I will say that they always were like, Wow,
Speaker 3: you're opening for Screech this weekend.
Speaker 1: That's huge.
Speaker 3: You're driving to the middle of Illinois to get paid
Speaker 3: for fifty to do to perform at a sports bar
Speaker 3: where everyone is mad at you because you just turned
Speaker 3: off the hockey game. Amazing, like they they were so
Speaker 3: supportive all along.
Speaker 2: So well, okay, so just generically the Golden Globes, though,
Speaker 2: hosting the Golden Globe is something that everybody understands as
Speaker 2: a big deal, whether you're a I mean, the only
Speaker 2: there's there's one group of people that I don't know
Speaker 2: would understand, and that is Jen Alpha because they don't
Speaker 2: even watch TV. So but other than that, everybody from
Speaker 2: the ages of eight, every one to ninety eight. Once
Speaker 2: it turned ninety nine year.
Speaker 1: Well be well. I wrote the quote that I like.
Speaker 3: I was kind of like writing from the heart initially
Speaker 3: to figure out what was going to say about this announcement,
Speaker 3: and Chris is like, because I'm trying to First, I
Speaker 3: was trying to write funny, and then Chris is like,
Speaker 3: how do you actually feel? And I'm like, honestly, the
Speaker 3: Golden Globes is the pinnacle of like what what I
Speaker 3: at least for my career, aspire to like of what
Speaker 3: I'm good at. It is the pinnacle because it is
Speaker 3: the only night as a host that you really get
Speaker 3: to lean into being funny, and you really get to
Speaker 3: lean into telling the truth and saying the things about
Speaker 3: show business what you which you revere and you're honoring
Speaker 3: because it's a legit award show. It's a serious award
Speaker 3: show that doesn't take itself too seriously. Now listen, there
Speaker 3: is a line, and you do have to tell that lot.
Speaker 3: It is a fine needle to thread. But I know
Speaker 3: that I'm going to thread it perfectly because I do
Speaker 3: like Hollywood. I do want these people to like me.
Speaker 3: I don't want to burn bridges, but I also I
Speaker 3: love calling out hypocrisy in a fun way that is palatable,
Speaker 3: because that's the only way you can really call it
Speaker 3: out these days. By the way, Like I'm not some
Speaker 3: pussy who's like, oh, I just I love Hollywood so
Speaker 3: much and I don't want to get canceled. I want
Speaker 3: to say things that could get me canceled, but I'm
Speaker 3: gonna figure out a way to say them where no
Speaker 3: one can be mad, because it's just true, and that's
Speaker 3: that's what you have to do.
Speaker 2: It's I mean, that's so you study. I mean, he'd
Speaker 2: the I mean, he's thread that line or towed the
Speaker 2: line perfectly, part perfectly.
Speaker 3: Now, who knows if that kind of monologu would work
Speaker 3: in this day and age. Like it's been a while
Speaker 3: since he had those those big moments, and I think
Speaker 3: that the culture has changed a little bit, so especially
Speaker 3: after last year's Golden Globes, where there seemed to be
Speaker 3: moments that were truly offensive to some celebrities, and like,
Speaker 3: so it's just gonna be It's it's going to be
Speaker 3: hard to do, but it's not impossible, and it's you know,
Speaker 3: I talked to the people that chose me for this,
Speaker 3: and like we're really instrumental in making it happen, especially
Speaker 3: this guy Jay Penske, who's like the head of the
Speaker 3: entire thing, and he's they're just so supportive of what
Speaker 3: I do, and like they they it's it feels similar
Speaker 3: to when I used to talk about getting hired for
Speaker 3: f Boy Island.
Speaker 1: I remember being.
Speaker 3: Like, thank you so much, Oh my god, I can't
Speaker 3: believe I get to do this thing, Like I get
Speaker 3: to host a reality show for HBO, Like this is
Speaker 3: the greatest thing I could ever imagine doing, and it
Speaker 3: really was. And then I remember HBO saying we're lucky
Speaker 3: to get you, like we want we're excited for what
Speaker 3: you're gonna do, Like just do what you want because
Speaker 3: we trust you and we know that, like you're gonna
Speaker 3: kill this. And I was like, wait, you trust me,
Speaker 3: Like hold on, I'm supposed to be thinking you and
Speaker 3: like just catering to you. But they're also like, no,
Speaker 3: we're lucky we have you, And I feel that same
Speaker 3: kind of like it's it's almost like sometimes when you're
Speaker 3: dating and you finally meet a person that you're like,
Speaker 3: you like me as much as I like you. It's
Speaker 3: never it really doesn't happen until it happens, right. Like
Speaker 3: most of the time it's imbalanced. One person like is like, wow,
Speaker 3: I really lucked out, and the other person is like,
Speaker 3: you know, I'm kind of desperate right now and this
Speaker 3: he's really nice or whatever it is. But it's rare
Speaker 3: when both people are like just as psyched for each other.
Speaker 3: I don't know that it's that common even in relationships.
Speaker 3: I think they're still in balance, and certainly not in
Speaker 3: professional relationships. But it feels that way, and I'm just
Speaker 3: excited to like, hopefully get to talk to Ricky Gervais,
Speaker 3: hopefully get to talk to a Tina Amy Fallon Kimmel.
Speaker 3: I mean, I'm gonna talk to as many as I
Speaker 3: can conan about hosting these things and what they wish
Speaker 3: they would have done with Chris Rock, which they wish
Speaker 3: they would have done, wish they wish they they didn't
Speaker 3: want to do like they would have done, And I
Speaker 3: just wanted to be the best it can possibly be.
Speaker 3: And I really feel like I have such a good
Speaker 3: runway leading up to it, so much time to make
Speaker 3: it that like there's no way it won't be good.
Speaker 3: I just have never felt so certain about something. I'm
Speaker 3: sure two weeks out I'll be like, why don't I
Speaker 3: have more time to like this isn't working Like that
Speaker 3: always happens. I talked about it on therapy with Chris
Speaker 3: yesterday about like I've got some big projects coming up.
Speaker 3: I didn't even tell my therapist, and I was like,
Speaker 3: I just don't want to have that two weeks out
Speaker 3: meltdown of like why am I you doing this? Like
Speaker 3: I just it might happen, because that is a part
Speaker 3: of me as I'm learning in my individual therapy, like
Speaker 3: the part of you that has self doubt, the part
Speaker 3: of you that doesn't think you deserve things.
Speaker 1: Don't be mean to that part of you.
Speaker 3: Just tell that part of you to like go hang
Speaker 3: out in another room and like scribble angrily in a journal.
Speaker 3: And they can like slip you notes under the door
Speaker 3: about how you're a piece of shit, but you don't
Speaker 3: have to pick those notes up. And you can still
Speaker 3: feed that thing and like let it live in your house,
Speaker 3: but you don't have to hang out with it. That
Speaker 3: that that thing, that girl that's mean and she can
Speaker 3: write all her ver notes to you and be mean,
Speaker 3: but that like but be nice to her. Don't kill
Speaker 3: her and punish her, but like just set her up
Speaker 3: in a way that you like a mother in law
Speaker 3: who's staying with you, that you're like, Okay, I got
Speaker 3: to put up with this for now, but like I'm
Speaker 3: not gonna. I'm not gonna pick up what you're given me,
Speaker 3: and I'm gonna I'm gonna make.
Speaker 1: Your stay lovely.
Speaker 3: That's how you have to treat parts of yourself like
Speaker 3: this whole family systems. I think it's called Family Development Systems.
Speaker 3: It's a book that two of my friends bought for
Speaker 3: me in a year called No Bad Parts. I think
Speaker 3: I got it twice for my birthday, and it's I've
Speaker 3: only read like twenty pages of it because I was
Speaker 3: I was starting to make me do you know, journal
Speaker 3: entries and stuff that I didn't have time to actually
Speaker 3: commit to.
Speaker 1: But the theory of it is is that there are
Speaker 1: parts of.
Speaker 3: You that are wounded at certain ages, and you get
Speaker 3: frozen in time, and that seventeen year old version of
Speaker 3: you comes out in this circumstance, in this and now
Speaker 3: the thirty one year old version of you or whatever
Speaker 3: you like, and there's all these parts of you and
Speaker 3: you have to like call the parts up and talk
Speaker 3: to them and like you just to be nice to
Speaker 3: every part of yourself instead of being like, I hate
Speaker 3: what I'm disorganized, I hate when I am raging at
Speaker 3: something like you just to be like, oh, hey, person
Speaker 3: who rages, like, can you come out and talk to me?
Speaker 3: And then you have to like talk to it. Like
Speaker 3: it's kind of feels weird, like it feels kind of
Speaker 3: stupid to do and a word that I was going
Speaker 3: to say, but I'm not gonna say it feels a
Speaker 3: little that but I was joking.
Speaker 2: But it's it's right, it supposedly.
Speaker 1: Works well, it's it's not ted lasso.
Speaker 3: Back again. Yeah, so Noah, do you know anything about
Speaker 3: these parts?
Speaker 4: You know, I'm really bad with the whole like talking
Speaker 4: to yourself and oh it's that part of you and
Speaker 4: writing a note in the mirror and looking at it
Speaker 4: every day. I just I it doesn't work for me.
Speaker 3: No, it doesn't. And there's but there's other ways to
Speaker 3: do it, Like there really are, like this. I think
Speaker 3: this book and I forget. I was talking recently about this, Like,
Speaker 3: you know, you don't have to look at yourself in
Speaker 3: the mirror and go I love you. You just have
Speaker 3: to be like good job or like or like or
Speaker 3: just be like yeah pretty like just talk to yourself
Speaker 3: like a bro. Like you don't even need to be
Speaker 3: like I love it.
Speaker 2: Imagine if you were a bro and your inner voice
Speaker 2: was a bro and you just had that confidence.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I do it pilates all the time. I'll just
Speaker 3: go and I've said it before, I go, go, Nikki,
Speaker 3: you could do this. Nick, You've got this. I like,
Speaker 3: turn into the CrossFit instructor who's like right next to
Speaker 3: my facebood, Nick, you got this. Don't give up now,
Speaker 3: Like I hate that person when I'm imitating her in
Speaker 3: my mind I'm like, this bitch needs to like know
Speaker 3: her lane and not and just focus on teaching the class.
Speaker 3: You know, you get those teachers that sometimes just get
Speaker 3: up near you too much and like encourage you when
Speaker 3: you're like, no, I came here to half asset. I
Speaker 3: don't know if anyway, those teachers sometimes they walk around
Speaker 3: the room and like yesterday, my teacher kind of focused
Speaker 3: on me too much, and I was like, I hate
Speaker 3: these straps, Like I lash out at her and I
Speaker 3: didn't like not in her, but I was just like
Speaker 3: I don't want to use them, Like I kept dropping them,
Speaker 3: and she would like pick them up for me because
Speaker 3: she thought it was dropping them, and I go, I
Speaker 3: literally hate these and so.
Speaker 1: I just dropped.
Speaker 3: And then I was like, oh my god, does she
Speaker 3: think I was being like but my adrenaline was so
Speaker 3: up from holding this fucking lunge that I like kind
Speaker 3: of snapped.
Speaker 2: But fuck the straps are you talking about? Like the
Speaker 2: they're like nylon straps, they can make you stretch more.
Speaker 1: Oh I hate those things.
Speaker 2: They hurt your hands.
Speaker 3: I don't like the ones you put around your knees
Speaker 3: and stuff. I hate any kind of work with a
Speaker 3: ball because I'm too sweaty and the ball will fly
Speaker 3: out from between my thighs if I press it too hard,
Speaker 3: or any kind of like band you have to rip
Speaker 3: around because the band always rolls on itself. Yeah, or
Speaker 3: it just like is in the wrong or it rubs
Speaker 3: off my spray tand or it leaves behind my spray
Speaker 3: tant on this band that other people have to use
Speaker 3: at the studio.
Speaker 2: But bands, I don't mind. It's the straps that the strap.
Speaker 3: Are you talking about the tix straps. Here's a new
Speaker 3: thing that I've learned in I'm calling you out, every instructor.
Speaker 3: That's something it got around to just say during classes,
Speaker 3: and it does work. I will say, I know it works,
Speaker 3: but a lot of instructors are going you are so strong,
Speaker 3: you are so strong, and I just I love it
Speaker 3: because it's true, like when we're all in class holding
Speaker 3: that move, we are so strong, but you don't know
Speaker 3: me and I could be new to this class. Okay,
Speaker 3: what is it?
Speaker 2: They're just like t rex.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a tr extra a t Rex strap.
Speaker 2: You can wrap it around your leg and you can
Speaker 2: help it stretch out your hamstrings, and it's just like
Speaker 2: there's no good way to do it without hurting your hand.
Speaker 3: Ants by the way it is. In the paleontology community,
Speaker 3: there is a divide of people. This is interesting to me.
Speaker 3: Some think that t Rex was a carnivore and like
Speaker 3: attacked and hunted for prey, and the others think it's scavenged.
Speaker 3: And there was one fossil found that had a t
Speaker 3: rex bone or tooth in this animal's bone, and everyone's
Speaker 3: like and they go, this proves that it hunted, and
Speaker 3: then the others are like, no, it was probably just
Speaker 3: accidentally scavenging and like hit a bone.
Speaker 1: Or something like.
Speaker 3: It's like but it literally is like what they'd fight about,
Speaker 3: and like it is. It's like, uh, it's like the
Speaker 3: Dane Cook of paleontology of like, no, Dane Cook's funny. No,
Speaker 3: He's like, you know where we're all divided. Although I
Speaker 3: think everyone is wrong if they think Dane Cook's not funny,
Speaker 3: and I'm sure he'll clip this.
Speaker 2: Cook is funny. Dan Cook's album and Tooth Retaliation and
Speaker 2: Not Vicious Retaliation and the one before it were some
Speaker 2: of the best comedy albums of all time and they
Speaker 2: literally shaped me and all of my friends. Comede Extens
Speaker 2: of Bill. He's in the same way that Adam Sandler
Speaker 2: did with Happy Gilmore and stuff.
Speaker 3: What would not be what it is today without Dane Cook.
Speaker 3: He is a major, major mark on comedy.
Speaker 2: It's just sucks so bad when people just totally discount
Speaker 2: the guy's first two incredible albums that like change the
Speaker 2: game because they're mad at him for Vicious Circle, which
Speaker 2: was less good.
Speaker 3: You know what he was great on, which I was
Speaker 3: in the audience Sports. My first TV appearance of my
Speaker 3: entire career was the Insomniac Tour with David tel and,
Speaker 3: Greg Giraldo, Dane Cook and Sean He's dead now I
Speaker 3: should remember his name.
Speaker 2: Fuck, he was so funny man.
Speaker 3: He was on Comedy Central, David tel Uh, Greg Giraldo,
Speaker 3: Dane Cook, and Sean. I really forget he had. He
Speaker 3: had some kind of condition that U but he was
Speaker 3: so funny. Fuck.
Speaker 1: Someone look at.
Speaker 4: Sean, Sean Ruse, raps Rouse Rouse.
Speaker 3: Sean Rows. I think, oh my god, oh old I
Speaker 3: am I used to like know this guy. This is
Speaker 3: so embarrassing. God, he's dead and can't get offended personally,
Speaker 3: but his kin next of kin can I guess? But
Speaker 3: he was Mann he's so funny. But Dane Cook on
Speaker 3: that special was fantastic. I mean, that was that way
Speaker 3: and that was peak Dane. I bet you anything. Dane
Speaker 3: was signed on to do that before he blew up,
Speaker 3: because all of a sudden, he's like one of four
Speaker 3: guys on this Comedy Central special and he is the
Speaker 3: biggest thing in the world at that point. And I
Speaker 3: went as a fan, I like, bought a ticket and
Speaker 3: flew to Las Vegas to go to that show as
Speaker 3: a fan. I had just started comedy and then we
Speaker 3: got chosen to fill in seats. Me and Catherine got
Speaker 3: chosen to fill in seats and got moved up and
Speaker 3: they're like, you're gonna be on camera, and the camera's
Speaker 3: like in my face the entire time. I'm like, And
Speaker 3: then we got chosen to go to the VIP party
Speaker 3: afterwards and meet all of them, and I talked to
Speaker 3: Greg Giraldo for hours, and I don't remember any of
Speaker 3: it because I was so fucking wasted, one of the
Speaker 3: biggest No. I was two wasted, right, I blacked out,
Speaker 3: But I I know from blacking out that I was
Speaker 3: a really like I could have good comas when I
Speaker 3: was blacked out, all the time. I could pretty much
Speaker 3: be normal and lucid and seemingly lucid, and thank you
Speaker 3: seemingly lucid because I was not because I did not
Speaker 3: remember any of it and I was wasted, but people
Speaker 3: would think and that I was totally sober. So Greg
Speaker 3: Drialdo and I like formed a friendship that night. Like
Speaker 3: I literally talked to him for hours and I was
Speaker 3: twenty one and I just started comedy. He gave me
Speaker 3: so much advice. Early in the evening, I got advice
Speaker 3: from Dame Cook because my friend went up to him
Speaker 3: and was like, my friend is comedy and she really
Speaker 3: she would love some advice, and I'm like, don't do.
Speaker 3: I was so mad at her, but he quickly gave
Speaker 3: me some and it was really good. He said, do
Speaker 3: not move to New York or LA right out of college.
Speaker 3: How long you been doing it? Two years, stay in
Speaker 3: the city you're doing it. Moved to a city like
Speaker 3: Austin or Boston or Chicago, Denver, get really good at comedy.
Speaker 3: There be the best in town, and then moved to
Speaker 3: New York or LA. Which is great advice. And I
Speaker 3: did not follow it, but I essentially I kind of
Speaker 3: did because I moved to La moved back to Saint Louis,
Speaker 3: got really good, then moved back out. But I it
Speaker 3: took me a while, but yeah, I spent all night
Speaker 3: talking to Greg Giraldo in this booth and it was
Speaker 3: not creepy. I remember being like, Oh, this guy doesn't
Speaker 3: there's doesn't seem like this guy wants to fuck me.
Speaker 3: Like this is honestly like an older comedian, just like
Speaker 3: we're having a good time and like talking about real shit.
Speaker 3: He was sober at the time, so he remembered all
Speaker 3: of it, and I forgot every single thing we talked about.
Speaker 3: Didn't remember a single fucking thing. I have pictures from it, though,
Speaker 3: and my friend witnessed it. And then he came to
Speaker 3: Kansas City and worked a club like six months later,
Speaker 3: and I was just doing nothing all weekend in Lawrence, Kansas.
Speaker 3: I wasn't working, didn't go up to Stanford and Sons
Speaker 3: the club in Kansas City. But he was at a
Speaker 3: different club in Kansity, and I go to Stanford's on
Speaker 3: Tuesday night for open mic and they go, oh, I
Speaker 3: was over at whatever club at Mortis and Greg Geraldo
Speaker 3: was asking where you were, like asking about you all weekend,
Speaker 3: being like, when's Nicky Glaizer gonna drop it? And I'm like,
Speaker 3: why didn't anyone fucking I had I was such an idiot.
Speaker 3: I didn't know he was there. I would have gone
Speaker 3: up and didn't guest sets or something like.
Speaker 1: It just sucks.
Speaker 3: I could have maybe been friends with Greg Roaldo and
Speaker 3: I was for night. But that's why I eventually quit drinking,
Speaker 3: because that would happen all the time.
Speaker 2: Well, there you go, there you go. I mean you
Speaker 2: who knows where your career would have been if you
Speaker 2: had done those guest sets with Greg Gerald, though maybe
Speaker 2: you would have been hosting the Golden Globes two years ago.
Speaker 1: Now that's the thing. Nothing would change.
Speaker 3: It's not like I wanted that friendship to be like
Speaker 3: what could my life be? It's just like someone's dead
Speaker 3: and he's one of the best to ever do it,
Speaker 3: and I have gone on to do the thing that
Speaker 3: he does, and it would have been nice to have
Speaker 3: him along the way as a mentor.
Speaker 1: Not that it's like my vote, my roast could have
Speaker 1: been better.
Speaker 3: It was great, but it would have been cool to
Speaker 3: like have his input along the way. Honestly, I don't
Speaker 3: even know that I would have been able to have
Speaker 3: that spun on the roses because I he would have
Speaker 3: had it. So I'm I'm full of mixed feelings right now.
Speaker 3: I wish I could think of another word to describe it.
Speaker 3: But we'll be right back after this final thoughts.
Speaker 2: I had a success what I was in Bone Appetite yesterday? What? Yeah,
Speaker 2: I was in fun app Yeah for apples. They did it,
Speaker 2: and they did it. Yeah, the whole profile on me.
Speaker 1: What a whole profile?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Wait Brian, can you hold it up as your picture?
Speaker 3: Like in it?
Speaker 1: Do you have the print version?
Speaker 2: There's no picture and I don't even think. No, it's
Speaker 2: not on print. It's just it's just on the internet.
Speaker 3: Oh, nothing's in print. That's the That's what I'm realizing now,
Speaker 3: Bone a pe Tite, Brian Franchie, Okay, I'm looking it
Speaker 3: up now.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they did a whole profile and this was I
Speaker 2: think the best profile that I've gotten so far.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, you guys.
Speaker 1: It's called culture.
Speaker 3: How one man has dedicated himself to the art of
Speaker 3: Apple trolling. This comedian created an Apple ranking system so
Speaker 3: no one so no one ever has to quote eat
Speaker 3: a trash Apple ever again By Margaret Ebbie.
Speaker 2: She was amazing, an amazing writer, and she really got it.
Speaker 2: She really understood.
Speaker 1: Only to have this read to you.
Speaker 3: It's forty two hours now. Even when you select your
Speaker 3: produce with care, what's inside is ultimately a mystery. This
Speaker 3: is particularly true with apples whose shiny, bruiseless exteriors in
Speaker 3: the supermarket rarely reveal their contents. I'm gonna read the
Speaker 3: whole thing pleasingly tart, overwhelmingly sour, or cloyingly sweet? Will
Speaker 3: your first bite be snappy? Or reveal the dread milliness
Speaker 3: lurking within? Luckily, a hero helping luckily, a hero helping
Speaker 3: sort through the endless varieties of apples and their potential
Speaker 3: pitfalls exists Apple rankings dot com, which Brian, if you
Speaker 3: don't know, is the author and creator of. At Apple Rankings,
Speaker 3: you can browse through extremely opinionated, often hilarious descriptions of apples,
Speaker 3: all rated on a scale from zero worst to one
Speaker 3: hundred the best possible apple on the market. Each of
Speaker 3: the sixty nine apples on the side is ranked on
Speaker 3: characteristics likes, taste, crispiness, crispness, sorry crispness, beauty, and cost.
Speaker 3: Slash availability. There's also a meter for sweetness, tartness, and intensity,
Speaker 3: as well as a category is for baking apples, cider apples,
Speaker 3: and sour apples. Apple ranksing is an extended comedy bit,
Speaker 3: but it's also one man's devoted pursuit of excellence and fruit.
Speaker 3: The website is the brainchild of comedian and cartoonist Brian Frangie,
Speaker 3: who admits that until twenty twenty fifteen or so, he
Speaker 3: wasn't even really a fan of apples. If you had
Speaker 3: asked me then what my favorite fruit was, I would
Speaker 3: have said mango or grape. Frangie tells Bonepetite I would
Speaker 3: pick up a red delicious and it would be a
Speaker 3: mealy disgrace. It was like I was in Pleasantville and
Speaker 3: my whole world was black and white. One day, at
Speaker 3: Whole Foods in New York City, he picked up a
Speaker 3: sweet tango apple. The world went into color. Franngie said,
Speaker 3: it made no sense that this could be the same
Speaker 3: fruit as the trash I had been eating. Feeling betrayed
Speaker 3: by the forces that kept him from the joys of
Speaker 3: great apples, Frangi decided to start a site objectively ranking them.
Speaker 3: I don't want anyone to eat a trash apple ever again,
Speaker 3: he says. Frangie, who also goes by the Apple, is
Speaker 3: devoted his own ranking scale, which he calls the fruit
Speaker 3: fr sorry, F one hundred, F one hundred, and it calls,
Speaker 3: and it calls, quote my legacy. I have nothing else,
Speaker 3: I have no children. When I die, the only thing
Speaker 3: that will survive me is the system. The worst rated
Speaker 3: apples on the side are Newton Pippins, ranked nineteen out
Speaker 3: of one hundred, described as long island sand filled condom
Speaker 3: and quote a tasteless hunk of malformed donkey shit that
Speaker 3: should have been abolished during the reign of George George
Speaker 3: the Third King, George the Third Sorry. Anything below fifty
Speaker 3: five points is filed under category pure shit apples. The
Speaker 3: worst apples from zero to nineteen points are labeled apple hell.
Speaker 3: These are further demarketed as not worth eating, horse food, despicable,
Speaker 3: vomitous filth, and finally criminal mel feasons.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, these are all.
Speaker 3: Great heavy metal band names. Worse food, despicable, vomitous filth,
Speaker 3: criminal malfeasance.
Speaker 1: That's a great word.
Speaker 3: On the other side of the spectrum are the top apples,
Speaker 3: sweet tangos and honeycris are in top rated specimen are
Speaker 3: the top rated specimens described as the Holy Grail and
Speaker 3: quote injecting its genes into some of the best apples
Speaker 3: mankind has to offer, respectively. Despite the humor of Frangie's review,
Speaker 3: his commitment is serious.
Speaker 1: He has a system.
Speaker 3: First, he buys five apples, taste one, and store the
Speaker 3: rest and the refrigerator for a few days. When he
Speaker 3: tastes them again, What I didn't know this.
Speaker 2: No, nuts very systematic.
Speaker 3: Then two weeks later he repeats the process, trying to
Speaker 3: ensure that the sample he got didn't represent a bit
Speaker 3: particularly good.
Speaker 1: Or particularly bad batch of fruit.
Speaker 3: You are scientist, my friend Frangie scours farmers markets for
Speaker 3: new varieties and keeps up the latest apple news. Keeps
Speaker 3: up on the latest apple news. He sometimes orders apples
Speaker 3: directly from orchards if there's ones that peak his interest.
Speaker 3: At several points in our conversation, Franchie veered into the
Speaker 3: science of apple grafting and storage, and on the quote
Speaker 3: apple scam, in which unscrupulous grossers give the Pink Lady
Speaker 3: labels to lesser fruit crisps. Pink though crisp, pink and
Speaker 3: pink Ladies are the same variety of apple. To earn
Speaker 3: the name pink Lady, apples have to pass a certain
Speaker 3: quality standard. Okay, it goes on and on. So Brian
Speaker 3: goes on to say, sometimes people write me nasty emails
Speaker 3: and call me a fraud, but usually people are in
Speaker 3: on the bit.
Speaker 1: He pays attention to the comments.
Speaker 3: I was like, uh, after clamoring from the comments, Oh,
Speaker 3: wait for one apple, the sugar Bee, Franngie upset reviewers
Speaker 3: by putting an initial score of the seventies good but
Speaker 3: not great. After clamoring from the comments, Franchie tried the
Speaker 3: sugar Bees again, this time fresh from the orchard. I
Speaker 3: was like, you know what, I was a little biased
Speaker 3: by the horrific bee mascot. I gave it a lower
Speaker 3: score that I should have. I raised the score.
Speaker 1: This goes on and on.
Speaker 2: Yeah, So, speaking of comments, some of the comments, I've
Speaker 2: been getting a lot of comments on my website since
Speaker 2: this article came out, and I shared a couple of
Speaker 2: them on my Instagram, and I just want to read
Speaker 2: a couple of comments that I got. Yeah, one of
Speaker 2: them is, how about you kill yourself fucking web. Too
Speaker 2: many stupid retards like you making this world a bigger
Speaker 2: shithole than it is.
Speaker 3: I think they got the wrong profile. I think they
Speaker 3: meant to honestly, like, don't you think that that person
Speaker 3: is just copy and pasting that for everyone because.
Speaker 2: There's I don't know, Well, here's another one. Okay, you're
Speaker 2: a fucking moron and proved by claiming Fuji is closer
Speaker 2: to Honey Crisp than Red Delicious. It's consistent mushy texture
Speaker 2: and absolutely no flavor or one of its major flaws.
Speaker 2: You maybe should shut the fuck up and never give
Speaker 2: your opinion on anything, as you're an absolute retard that
Speaker 2: should be castrated as to never pass on your shitty gens.
Speaker 3: So they definitely because they quoted genes and they like
Speaker 3: stole what you were just talking about.
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I mean it's it's kind of like there
Speaker 2: are some people who make comments like that on my website,
Speaker 2: which I approve. I go through and I approve them
Speaker 2: by hand. They make comments like that because they think
Speaker 2: they're being funny. They think they're in on the bit
Speaker 2: because I'm so severe about my Apple rankings. They think
Speaker 2: in response. Now there's some people who are like that,
Speaker 2: and they're just not as good at being funny, right,
Speaker 2: so they just say you're a retard who should kill yourself,
Speaker 2: and they think that's the bit.
Speaker 1: No, you're right.
Speaker 3: I think that people do that a lot. Like you know,
Speaker 3: I talk about sex a lot openly on stage, and
Speaker 3: people will come up and say really disgusting things about
Speaker 3: things they want to do to me, which is there's
Speaker 3: some truth in it, which the people are probably actually
Speaker 3: mad at you too, but they delivered in your way
Speaker 3: and you're like, no, that's you're missing the mark. That's
Speaker 3: not how we're I'm I'm that's right, they're just trying
Speaker 3: to Now.
Speaker 2: Every once in a while, there are people who will
Speaker 2: write comments that are vicious, but they're also well written
Speaker 2: and funny, and those are like, now, you're right on
Speaker 2: the mark.
Speaker 3: They're like, that's oh god. I love when people are finding.
Speaker 2: Any of those paragraph a tone of just like absolute
Speaker 2: eviscerating me.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but in the tone though, like yeah, like they
Speaker 3: nail it. Yeah, that's really satisfying when you listen. It
Speaker 3: hurts a lot when you get a comment that's mean,
Speaker 3: but it's like precise and well written, and there's just
Speaker 3: people can be so funny that aren't comedians. And I
Speaker 3: think obviously we've learned that from the Internet more so,
Speaker 3: like just people's comments, like different memes that are made
Speaker 3: just people on Twitter that are like you know that,
Speaker 3: I don't go on Twitter, but I just see tweets,
Speaker 3: you know, like on Reddit.
Speaker 1: And stuff, and you just go.
Speaker 3: Man, and some people are writing the funniest jokes ever written,
Speaker 3: and they're just like a guy in a car at
Speaker 3: Target who just thought something, you know, before he starts
Speaker 3: up his car, like to see.
Speaker 2: The key is those people are randomly being funny at points,
Speaker 2: and the difficulty of being a professional comedian is doing
Speaker 2: it consistently over a long period of time.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's it's exhausting and it becomes not fun when
Speaker 3: the pressure's on. So it's like you have to find
Speaker 3: ways to make it fun for yourself and try to
Speaker 3: not put so much pressure on it, because it's nothing
Speaker 3: worse than like trying to be funny. But I will
Speaker 3: say I just have you know, my girl Emily reads
Speaker 3: all of my comments now and does all of my
Speaker 3: like she'll it sucks because I want to I want
Speaker 3: to get back in there. It saves me so much
Speaker 3: time though to not reading comments, and I still read
Speaker 3: my dms, and I sometimes late at night will like
Speaker 3: go see like nice things people said, and she sometimes
Speaker 3: is like, hey, this person commented this, what should I say?
Speaker 3: But for the most part I don't read any comments
Speaker 3: and it's but it's worth it. I just don't want
Speaker 3: to read mean things. And yesterday there was something mean
Speaker 3: said about, of all people, Kellen uh, the little boy
Speaker 3: that uh.
Speaker 1: At the airstart people.
Speaker 3: I didn't even like. I honestly that does a little
Speaker 3: boy in address does literally nothing for my Olympic system
Speaker 3: in terms of like this is different, Like I don't.
Speaker 3: I'm so happy that it signals nothing in me to
Speaker 3: care or even think that anyone would care. I like that.
Speaker 3: I'm that, you know, used to it, because who the
Speaker 3: fuck gives a fuck? But people still do, and I
Speaker 3: forget that it's so naive that I don't, and I'm
Speaker 3: just so grateful. As I said, like, yesterday, Emily told
Speaker 3: me people were saying nasty stuff. So she's like, I'm
Speaker 3: just gonna delete and and block them or whatever, and
Speaker 3: I was like, yeah, but can you write back to
Speaker 3: one of them? That I just am so glad Kellen
Speaker 3: got his parents and not you as parents, and that
Speaker 3: I hope You're child is everything you expected it to be.
Speaker 3: Otherwise they're going to have a horrible time. And it's true,
Speaker 3: Like thank god, and I said this before, like just
Speaker 3: thank god. I feel to all the little boys or
Speaker 3: girls out there that want to dress in a different
Speaker 3: way than you are expected to dress and your parents
Speaker 3: won't let you. I'm so sorry that you could, Like
Speaker 3: to the centuries of young boys who wanted to wear
Speaker 3: dresses and couldn't. Kellen is living his best life because
Speaker 3: of the what you had to endure, and it's like
Speaker 3: so great to see that it's just not an issue
Speaker 3: and it shouldn't because who is it harming? Literally who?
Speaker 3: And I just always think about it. I just don't
Speaker 3: get it. I just like I.
Speaker 2: Can't masculinity and I want.
Speaker 3: And he's destroy it. And he's choosing it too, you know,
Speaker 3: because it's what's in it. It's it's crazy, But I like, no,
Speaker 3: you're my I was just saying to Chris yesterday because
Speaker 3: we were talking about and we're like, you know, it
Speaker 3: does take a really amazing father to embrace that entirely.
Speaker 3: And Kellen does have an amazing father, and I don't
Speaker 3: know his mother, but I'm sure it's like a support
Speaker 3: on all sides because he just seems to just know
Speaker 3: himself and love himself so much and like not any
Speaker 3: Yeah he doesn't. Yeah, he's a lady of the lake,
Speaker 3: and he doesn't seem to have any There's nothing that
Speaker 3: makes him seem like I'm doing something different or weird.
Speaker 3: Like he's not like I'm special because of this. He's
Speaker 3: just is you know in that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he just is.
Speaker 3: Over telling around this or something.
Speaker 2: The generations, I think if you go zoomer in below,
Speaker 2: like everyone's wearing whatever they want there, everyone's got nail
Speaker 2: polish on if they want it, And I just think
Speaker 2: it's gonna this is really just gonna be a non
Speaker 2: factor in a hundred years.
Speaker 3: I'm so glad because it was a factor even in
Speaker 3: my lifetime. Like I remember for seeing little like uh
Speaker 3: not that he's whatever. It is like kids dressing in
Speaker 3: a different gender than they were assigned at birth and
Speaker 3: being like, WHOA, that's different and kind of being jarred
Speaker 3: by it. So I've even been in the generation of WHOA,
Speaker 3: Not that that's wrong or something, but WHOA that's different.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna like that's all gets my cockles raised, And
Speaker 3: now I don't feel it at all. It like it's
Speaker 3: just so nice that I didn't even think, like can
Speaker 3: I buy a dress for a boy? Like is this weird?
Speaker 3: Like what I was just shopping for him? It was
Speaker 3: like I was shopping for Poppy. It wasn't even like
Speaker 3: and I love that that's the way it is. Because
Speaker 3: all I can say is, if you have any kind
Speaker 3: of like a little bit of hesitation about how little
Speaker 3: boys or little girls want to act or dress and
Speaker 3: like what parents should do, just imagine the way you
Speaker 3: felt as a little boy or girl and the things
Speaker 3: you like to play with, and hope to God that
Speaker 3: you expressed the same gender that you wessigned at birth.
Speaker 3: But let's say, like, because I was talking to Chris,
Speaker 3: I was like, I can't imagine being eight years old
Speaker 3: and someone making me wear boy clothes, like because that
Speaker 3: of how I felt when I was an eight year
Speaker 3: old girl and like wanting to play with dolls and stuff,
Speaker 3: and like just that's all you have to do is
Speaker 3: just imagine what that would be like if when the
Speaker 3: way you felt about things.
Speaker 2: When you were it, right, So if I was a
Speaker 2: little boy. If I was my parents made me wear
Speaker 2: a dress.
Speaker 3: Yes, how that would feel, because that's what that's what.
Speaker 3: This is a document that you came like. Just run
Speaker 3: that through your head. That's all you have to do,
Speaker 3: and then you know exactly how it feels. This isn't
Speaker 3: a huge stretch of the imagination. That's it. So no
Speaker 3: one should struggle with this at all, and no one's
Speaker 3: being forced to do anything. It's just what he wants
Speaker 3: to do. And man, if the world would be a
Speaker 3: great place if kids could just be who they want
Speaker 3: to be and we didn't, you know, project things onto them.
Speaker 3: But it's hard not to and it's hard to adjust
Speaker 3: to these things. And I'm not mad if people are
Speaker 3: having struggles doing it. I just want you to maybe
Speaker 3: use some of the devices I learned to wrap your
Speaker 3: head around it a little bit more. But that's all
Speaker 3: I'll say on that for now. We have another podcast
Speaker 3: for you this week. Don't think we'd don't We usually
Speaker 3: do too, but we have a bonus, so it'll come
Speaker 3: out tomorrow. Is that right? Noah, yep, that's right. Three
Speaker 3: this week, you guys, Lucky you, lucky us.
Speaker 1: We love doing it.
Speaker 3: We will see you then congratulations, Brian, congratulations, Nicky, thank you.
Speaker 3: That's but that bone apute thing is so cool. I
Speaker 3: wish you did you post it yesterday to to come out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I came out yesterday.
Speaker 3: Fuck Okay, I'm gonna repost it today. I love it
Speaker 3: so much. I can't wait to finish reading it. Thanks
Speaker 3: to everyone. I love Peleelontologist. They'll be code bye. The
Speaker 3: Nicki Glazer Podcast is a production by Will Ferrell's Big
Speaker 3: Money Players and iHeart Podcasts. Created and hosted by me
Speaker 3: Nicki Glazer, co hosted by Brian Frangie. Executive produced by
Speaker 3: Will Ferrell, Hans Sonny and Noah Avior edited it engineered
Speaker 3: by Lean and Loaf, video production Mark Canton, and music
Speaker 3: by Anya Marina. You can now watch full episodes of
Speaker 3: the Nicki Glazer Podcast on YouTube, follow at Nicki Glazer
Speaker 3: Pod and subscribe to our channel