Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and
Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together
Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new
Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, this Verry podcast, which has
Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now, avail every
Speaker 1: rust get your podcast at such a Spotify, Apple Go
Speaker 1: listen right now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now.
Speaker 1: Go listen to see I by heyo. What's good, y'all.
Speaker 1: We recorded this episode before all the news about COVID
Speaker 1: nineteen broke. Like a lot of people right now, we've
Speaker 1: changed our plans about doing our our new ceremony this summer,
Speaker 1: and we still don't know exactly what we're doing. So
Speaker 1: obabe what we're doing, Babe, you tell me what we're doing.
Speaker 1: I don't ever tell you what we do. When you
Speaker 1: and we tell me what we're doing, that's true. What's
Speaker 1: your motto again, babe? Whatever you want to do? Well
Speaker 1: right now? The viralnyal is tb D because I d K.
Speaker 1: I don't know. But even with things not going how
Speaker 1: we planned, this episode is all about why we wanted
Speaker 1: to do of our old to begin with and what
Speaker 1: we've learned about being married for the past decade. So
Speaker 1: we hope this brings you a little bit of joy
Speaker 1: and escape right now. So, babe, what's up, dead ass?
Speaker 1: Would you marry me again? Of course? Of course, the
Speaker 1: whole shebay, you know, the the walking down the aisle
Speaker 1: and flowers and all that. This time you can get
Speaker 1: whatever you want for Okay, Hey a Codeine and we're
Speaker 1: the Ellison. You may know us from posting funny videos
Speaker 1: with our boys and reading each other publicly as a
Speaker 1: form of therapy. Are making most days and one more
Speaker 1: important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, we all. We
Speaker 1: created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's
Speaker 1: most taboo topic, things folks don't want to talk about
Speaker 1: through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day. Where we
Speaker 1: say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the
Speaker 1: whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to
Speaker 1: take pillows talk to a whole new level. Start now,
Speaker 1: it's story time, guys, and I'm gonna take you guys
Speaker 1: back to ten years ago as to why Codeine and
Speaker 1: I are getting remarried even though we didn't get divorced,
Speaker 1: we're getting remarried. Well, um, this was two thousand and show.
Speaker 1: I'll take you back eleven years actually two thousand nine.
Speaker 1: We're planning a wedding. We just came back to Brooklyn,
Speaker 1: and I'll never forget Codeine and I had this idea
Speaker 1: of how we wanted to get married, and it was
Speaker 1: on an island somewhere our closest friends and family. We
Speaker 1: had it all mapped out. We're gonna do a destination wedding,
Speaker 1: and then both of her mom's are like, you know,
Speaker 1: this person don't fly. You know this person can't travel.
Speaker 1: You know this person they never get on no plane.
Speaker 1: So then Codeine and I conceded because we realized that
Speaker 1: this wedding really ain't about us. You being the firstborn,
Speaker 1: me being the firstborn. Yeah, it wasn't really about us.
Speaker 1: It was really about our parents and their abilities to
Speaker 1: put their vision on how we should get married. And
Speaker 1: at the time we were very very young, so we
Speaker 1: were just like, okay, you know, because we wanted to
Speaker 1: make everybody else happy. She wanted to make her mom happy.
Speaker 1: I wanted to make my mom happy. We ended up
Speaker 1: inviting three hundred and seventy five people, about three hundred
Speaker 1: and forty five of those people I'd never really talked
Speaker 1: to anymore So at the end of the at the
Speaker 1: end of the wedding, you and I exhausted, and um,
Speaker 1: I don't even really remember what happened. It was a blur,
Speaker 1: but I do remember us falling asleep. And I said
Speaker 1: to Codan, if I could do this again, I do
Speaker 1: it totally different. We do it our way, Yo, my car.
Speaker 1: I got what you want, you got what I want.
Speaker 1: And we were made for each shout oh all forever mind.
Speaker 1: I love this song's so glad colds it gets better
Speaker 1: with it. Oh hey, oh girl, that's my favorite for
Speaker 1: each other. We were made for each other, right, Oh man,
Speaker 1: that's that song. That's an oldie, but goody. Shout out
Speaker 1: to the o j's Wait. Conine and I do date
Speaker 1: night every Friday, and every Friday, on the way home
Speaker 1: we drive in, or if we're not driving, we're in
Speaker 1: the back of a car, we're holding hands and we're
Speaker 1: listening to this song. Yes, let's become like our things.
Speaker 1: I didn't realize that, but it definitely has, because this
Speaker 1: is almost like our reminder as to why we're doing
Speaker 1: this because we both get so caught up in like
Speaker 1: the day to day. Oh for sure, you know, for sure,
Speaker 1: Like it's it's crazy I think about it. Here we
Speaker 1: are ten years later, and it's you know, we've gotten
Speaker 1: the questions about like why have I renewal, Like what's
Speaker 1: the point, Like, you guys are married already. My father especially,
Speaker 1: he was just like I hear you guys are doing
Speaker 1: something again. Why people do that after like fifty years?
Speaker 1: I'm like, who knows if we have twenty five or
Speaker 1: fifty years that I totally believe in UM being able
Speaker 1: to celebrate each other again. But I mean all season
Speaker 1: we've been leading up to this point, guys, Yes, this point.
Speaker 1: So once we leave you here, I don't know are
Speaker 1: we gonna be back again before the vironal or not.
Speaker 1: I'm not even sure at this point. But we've we've
Speaker 1: kind of walked you guys through a couple of different episodes, scenarios,
Speaker 1: things that we've been working on UM together, things that
Speaker 1: we've been working on individually as well. UM. So we've
Speaker 1: had all the episodes this season kind of come to
Speaker 1: this point where the excitement is building around UM. Deval
Speaker 1: and I renewing our vows. So well, let me ask
Speaker 1: you a question, how are you feeling in that moment
Speaker 1: getting ready to get married? You know what's funny? In
Speaker 1: that moment leading up to the wedding, of course, there
Speaker 1: was excitement that I felt because it's like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: this is my wedding day. Some women don't dream of
Speaker 1: their wedding day. I was that girl that was like,
Speaker 1: you know, give me a fake bouquet on the playground
Speaker 1: because I'm going to be somebody's ride one day. So
Speaker 1: this was it. And then being the first girl you know,
Speaker 1: my mom of course was like daughters getting married, you know, um.
Speaker 1: And then being the first granddaughter, the first niece, Like
Speaker 1: there were so many people invested in this wedding, um
Speaker 1: that I was just excited about being able to have
Speaker 1: this event with my family and my friends, and of
Speaker 1: course you not thinking about you know, like all of
Speaker 1: those people. And then of course you too, I mean,
Speaker 1: if you want to join in, you know, but that's
Speaker 1: really how it goes. That's how it goes. No, but no,
Speaker 1: I'm saying that to say, like there were so many
Speaker 1: people on my side at least just invested in me
Speaker 1: in the wedding process that, you know, I was excited
Speaker 1: about that. However, those same people that were so excited
Speaker 1: about this wedding, like I had said before, I think
Speaker 1: maybe in a previous podcast or even in one of
Speaker 1: my blog posts, like I wasn't really prepared for marriage
Speaker 1: per se. Well spoken about that, and I'm not gonna yeah,
Speaker 1: I won't go into depth about that, but the wedding itself.
Speaker 1: How are you feeling about the wedding? I was. I
Speaker 1: was feeling great. I felt like it was going to
Speaker 1: be a great party. Um. I was a little disappointed though,
Speaker 1: because I did want to do the wedding the way
Speaker 1: we initially said, which was, you know, have a nice
Speaker 1: little three day getaways somewhere with our family and friends,
Speaker 1: kind of make it like a big vacation. So it
Speaker 1: felt like kind of like a weekend long thing, and
Speaker 1: it wasn't just one day where people came for a
Speaker 1: couple of hours and that was it. Um. And I
Speaker 1: was slightly disappointed, um, because of all of these demands
Speaker 1: that we were getting from our families about like who
Speaker 1: had to be involved and who needs to come and
Speaker 1: who can do what, and you know, that really took
Speaker 1: the power away from us a little bit. I was
Speaker 1: over it, so yeah, yeah, that part was very stressful.
Speaker 1: I mean, but you know I was happy to put
Speaker 1: on a dress and walk down now to you and
Speaker 1: watch you cry at the altar when you said your
Speaker 1: about Are you going to cry this time around? I
Speaker 1: want to know no. I cried in part because that
Speaker 1: wedding was mad expensive and I was sitting there thinking
Speaker 1: about them. After this day is over, I still got
Speaker 1: to live my life and I got a lot of
Speaker 1: responsibilities you were thinking about all that. Let me let
Speaker 1: me tell you something. There's there's such a big difference
Speaker 1: between how men and women view these responsibilities. I'll give
Speaker 1: you an example. UM. Just recently they were talking about
Speaker 1: um Ronaldo Um on well social media everybody and how
Speaker 1: he makes Um I think he makes eight to ninety
Speaker 1: million dollars a year and he gives his wife an allowance.
Speaker 1: And the allowance she gets is I think a hundred
Speaker 1: thousand dollars a month or it's like a million dollars
Speaker 1: a year of an allowance, and a ton of women
Speaker 1: were just like, that's not enough, that's not enough. Because
Speaker 1: he makes so much money, she should she should at
Speaker 1: least get more than that it should be an unlimited amount,
Speaker 1: and I was like, this, this is recently. You know
Speaker 1: you get a hundred thous dollars a month allowance. Now
Speaker 1: he didn't say that she has to spend that allowance
Speaker 1: on the mortgage or know, that's just an allowance, that's
Speaker 1: your money. You can you get a million dollars a
Speaker 1: year tax free, do nothing, just to blow in whatever.
Speaker 1: And I just heard a lot of women just saying
Speaker 1: how it wasn't if it wasn't enough. And I remember
Speaker 1: getting married and thinking talking to my boys and thinking like,
Speaker 1: am I going to be to be able to please
Speaker 1: my wife no matter what I do, how much money
Speaker 1: I make. And I remember thinking about that, like right
Speaker 1: before the wedding, because remember I wrote my vows the
Speaker 1: right the night before, because I wanted my vows to
Speaker 1: be organic. I wanted them to be genuine, and I
Speaker 1: wanted to think about what I was saying. But you
Speaker 1: and I were going through a lot during this wedding process.
Speaker 1: I was beefing with my parents, I was beefing with you,
Speaker 1: I was beefing with your mom. I felt like a
Speaker 1: lone soldier in this whole thing because I didn't really
Speaker 1: have anybody who was you know, with me on this.
Speaker 1: You know, you and your mom were together and you
Speaker 1: and your girls were planning and doing your thing, and
Speaker 1: I just felt like everything was taken away from me.
Speaker 1: It's true, and I really didn't get a chance to
Speaker 1: enjoy the moment because it was kind of out of
Speaker 1: my control. I was fun, you want to do this,
Speaker 1: I want to do this, and then we was arguing
Speaker 1: so much that the wedding just became daunting and I
Speaker 1: really started to think, like, dang, like, am I going
Speaker 1: to be able to give this woman the life that
Speaker 1: she once after this day? And it was it was
Speaker 1: like daunting to me. And it's crazy because when I
Speaker 1: think back out to who I was, I was like,
Speaker 1: what a twenty year old cadean at the time. Um,
Speaker 1: I guess it was very immature of me, which I
Speaker 1: could say in retrospect, very immature of me too, I feel,
Speaker 1: I guess as if I was entitled to or should
Speaker 1: have had certain things that I wanted on that wedding day.
Speaker 1: You know what I mean. Well, I mean, you did
Speaker 1: dream about it, this is your wedding, and yeah, at this,
Speaker 1: but at the same time too, there was probably also
Speaker 1: to a very unrealistic idea that I did have about it,
Speaker 1: Like I wasn't thinking about life after that day per se,
Speaker 1: because I think in part two you had created um
Speaker 1: kind of a security blanket or like a comperin and
Speaker 1: I wanted to write, which I kind of was just like,
Speaker 1: all right, well, we'll be all right, like we'll get
Speaker 1: past this day. You know. I know my parents had
Speaker 1: put aside for you know, some money for for their
Speaker 1: daughter's first you know, their daughter's wedding, their first daughter's wedding.
Speaker 1: So I know my parents had had some money set
Speaker 1: aside for that. Um, and of course, you know a
Speaker 1: little extra that I wanted. My mom was like, all right,
Speaker 1: well I can probably put a little little money from here,
Speaker 1: a little money from there and get that done. Um.
Speaker 1: You know your parents, well, I don't think they set
Speaker 1: aside money because on our culture that like the groom
Speaker 1: side doesn't really necessarily It was kind of like like
Speaker 1: he's his son, he got it too. Like I was
Speaker 1: just coming out of playing football, so that's another thing too,
Speaker 1: So your parents are kind of like, well, that's what
Speaker 1: you want to do, That's what I want to sister
Speaker 1: in private school and my brother was in college right,
Speaker 1: So it was all he might have just gotten out
Speaker 1: of college, but they had other responsibilities, so we couldn't
Speaker 1: expect for them to just be like, here, guys, here's
Speaker 1: money to just spend on the wedding that y'all want. Um,
Speaker 1: you know. But at the same time too that we
Speaker 1: were getting demands. So I know that was frustrating for you,
Speaker 1: but persona and it's just like, you know, that's how
Speaker 1: I felt. I felt like I was getting demands from
Speaker 1: both sides of the family, and like, at least for you,
Speaker 1: you and your mom sat down. I was like, well,
Speaker 1: this is what you want. Y'all had a plan, and
Speaker 1: y'all created something like no one sits down with the
Speaker 1: groom and says what's your plan? Like your dad don't
Speaker 1: sit down with you, say what do you want your
Speaker 1: wedding to look like? So for me, it's just like
Speaker 1: people coming to me with bills or demands. These people
Speaker 1: have to come. And I remember having a conversation with
Speaker 1: my mom. My mother and my father created their list
Speaker 1: of family because of course, whenever you get married, it's
Speaker 1: not just my family and your family, and then goes
Speaker 1: to my mom's family and my dad's family, my mom's
Speaker 1: and your dad's and it has to be equal so
Speaker 1: that everyone feels like they're treated fairly right or like
Speaker 1: their people are represented evenly right. So now I got
Speaker 1: to think about four families, and no one's coming to
Speaker 1: me with the checkbook, you know what I'm saying. So
Speaker 1: it was stressful. The five months prior to our wedding
Speaker 1: was probably it was stressed, definitely super stressful. And we
Speaker 1: had just moved back to this apartment. Yeah, I was
Speaker 1: not making any money, right that The hardest part about
Speaker 1: that for me was that I just got cut and
Speaker 1: I wasn't making money. I had my seiants pay and
Speaker 1: I had some money saved, but there was money also
Speaker 1: invested in the homes that you purchased. So I always
Speaker 1: want to be sure to let people know, like it's
Speaker 1: not like we were out here just forrievous, frivolously spending
Speaker 1: money on a wedding and we had nothing else. A
Speaker 1: lot of the money that we had was tied up
Speaker 1: in investments and in property, so we could like at
Speaker 1: that point it was like, well the money is there,
Speaker 1: Like there was no liquid cash to then use for
Speaker 1: these you know. But even still though that's not I
Speaker 1: have I have capital, but my capital is tied up
Speaker 1: in investments, so that's not money I get access to.
Speaker 1: So I had to ask my dad. I asked my
Speaker 1: dad for an evance until I sold one of the properties, right,
Speaker 1: and my father gave me the advance. But still even
Speaker 1: with the money he gave me, I still had to live,
Speaker 1: like like I had to pay for the wedding and
Speaker 1: then we had to live afterwards. Right, So think about
Speaker 1: your thought process going into the wedding. You're thinking dream Cinderella,
Speaker 1: beautiful gown, I'm excited to party. I'm thinking, oh, ship,
Speaker 1: Like July fourth, We're gonna be good. July five, I'll first.
Speaker 1: So it was stressful like that, like our wedding was.
Speaker 1: And it's important to talk about this because if you
Speaker 1: think about cultures, right, I feel like in the black culture,
Speaker 1: we try to assimilate to other cultures and try to
Speaker 1: do the same things that they do, especially as Black Americans, right,
Speaker 1: because our history was taken from us because we were
Speaker 1: brought here from the Islands. We were brought here from Africa,
Speaker 1: so our history and our culture was stripped of us.
Speaker 1: And now we're here in America and we're forced to
Speaker 1: assimilate to American culture. Right, So you watch American culture,
Speaker 1: and a lot of American culture comes from generational wealth
Speaker 1: that was built on the backs of black people. So
Speaker 1: during the time when if you're white, for example, you
Speaker 1: could pay for your daughter's wedding because you had land,
Speaker 1: you had businesses, you had property. So when it came
Speaker 1: time to pay for your daughter's wedding or give your
Speaker 1: daughter away, you could pay for a wedding. Right. So
Speaker 1: now it's Black Americans sometimes I feel like we try
Speaker 1: to simulate to that culture, but we don't come from
Speaker 1: generational wealth. Absolutely, that's that is generational debt. So now
Speaker 1: where I'm expecting your parents to come and pay for
Speaker 1: the wedding, and we have a grand wedding, No, it's
Speaker 1: on me. It's on me, and and a lot of
Speaker 1: time it's not only on me, it's on us. So
Speaker 1: that stress and those stresses causes a lot of friction
Speaker 1: while planning a wedding. And I don't think that we
Speaker 1: as a young group of black Americans discussed that a lot.
Speaker 1: We just watched TV. We watched the Kardashians, we watch
Speaker 1: uh Platinum weddings, we watch all those things. My super
Speaker 1: sweet six Team, and we said, go and think about
Speaker 1: that during the two thousands, because we got married two
Speaker 1: thousand and ten, during the two thousand's when my super
Speaker 1: Sweet six Team platinum weddings were allay. So these are
Speaker 1: the images that we were seeing this aspirational lifestyle, a
Speaker 1: lot of those shows that people are just like, wow,
Speaker 1: that's how I want things to be. And I mean
Speaker 1: social media now was only an extension of that because
Speaker 1: now that we don't necessarily have those shows on networks,
Speaker 1: you have you know, Instagram every day and everything in
Speaker 1: your face every day about you know, Pinterest boards about
Speaker 1: things that you aspire to have with regardless of the event,
Speaker 1: you know. So yeah, I hate what you're saying. And
Speaker 1: you can talk about being immature, but I was immature
Speaker 1: too because I wanted to give those things to you
Speaker 1: and I just didn't know how. So I was hard
Speaker 1: on myself, but I was like, I'm gonna do it
Speaker 1: by any means necessary. And and me, being an immature man,
Speaker 1: was trying to be who my father told me I
Speaker 1: was supposed to be. Right. My father told me that
Speaker 1: when it comes to finances, my wife should never have
Speaker 1: to stress about finances. I said this on social media.
Speaker 1: So many times it was my responsibility, especially if I'm
Speaker 1: gonna ask you to have my children, and it's my
Speaker 1: responsibility to make sure that your life is as easy
Speaker 1: and peaceful as possible because you're responsible for carrying and
Speaker 1: burying children. That's something I can't help with. So for me,
Speaker 1: it was like I gotta find it by any means necessary,
Speaker 1: and I gotta get it done. But it did put
Speaker 1: a lot of stress on me. And I watched my
Speaker 1: father when when he was laid off, when he was
Speaker 1: when he was going from job to job after um
Speaker 1: they started doing cuts at Chase Bank because he's a
Speaker 1: main framer. I never saw my father's stress in front
Speaker 1: of my mom. My father used to talk to me
Speaker 1: as his son about things, but he never said my
Speaker 1: mom never knew that there were any issues, and it
Speaker 1: was like, okay, we could do this, and then he would,
Speaker 1: you know, go into his form one k if he
Speaker 1: needed to always find a way, And now he used
Speaker 1: to say that was his job. So at this point,
Speaker 1: I'm thinking, this is my job as the man. Even
Speaker 1: though I'm a young man trying to figure out my
Speaker 1: path in life. I'm trying to figure out how to
Speaker 1: provide for my fiance to become my wife, so I
Speaker 1: can prove to her that I'm able to do the
Speaker 1: things that she needs. And the immaturity comes from me
Speaker 1: not saying that, you know, a baby, I need to
Speaker 1: do the things that you need, not necessarily do all
Speaker 1: the things that you want. No. I hear that, And
Speaker 1: at that time, I didn't even necessarily know what I needed.
Speaker 1: All I knew was what I wanted to happen because
Speaker 1: of these grand dreams that I had about my wedding day. Um,
Speaker 1: and still it fell short in the end because I
Speaker 1: felt like the feelings internally that I was supposed to
Speaker 1: have as I'm walking down the aisle with my husband,
Speaker 1: like leading up to those days, like the moments that
Speaker 1: I feel like we should have been enjoying those last
Speaker 1: couple of days just being like fiance and fiance. We
Speaker 1: didn't have that. I feel like we were so stripped
Speaker 1: of that, you know, with all of the extra things. Um.
Speaker 1: But yeah, it's funny because I think to this day,
Speaker 1: you still don't even really sweat when it comes down
Speaker 1: to just like finances and things like that. One thing
Speaker 1: I will say, ten years later, one thing we've learned
Speaker 1: over the past ten years is to definitely be more
Speaker 1: vocal about wants and needs and finances. So we literally
Speaker 1: have one day in the month on both of our calendars,
Speaker 1: a staked on our phone where you know, we sit
Speaker 1: down together and we discussed finances, money coming in, money
Speaker 1: going out, um, money owed to us, you know, plans
Speaker 1: for different business ventures that we have. And it's been
Speaker 1: very helpful lately because things that used to kind of
Speaker 1: slip my mind sometimes, like oh, shoot that I pay
Speaker 1: the cable bill this month, Like oh no, we have okay,
Speaker 1: Like there's just so many working parts. So now yeah,
Speaker 1: we have to kind of hold each other accountable. And
Speaker 1: Devout has also helped me in a sense because he's
Speaker 1: a little bit more business savvy when it came down
Speaker 1: to things like just getting my credit back up, you know,
Speaker 1: or establishing credit. That's something that I was never really
Speaker 1: privy to growing up. My parents didn't really talk much
Speaker 1: about findings. So yeah, having had that you know, influence
Speaker 1: from your dad and my parents kind of just handled everything. Um,
Speaker 1: I learned a lot from you in that sense. So
Speaker 1: now here we are planning of our renewal knowing that okay,
Speaker 1: it's not going to be as extensive as the wedding was,
Speaker 1: but at the same time too, we can really maximize
Speaker 1: the experience based off of the resources we have now
Speaker 1: and the people we really want to be there. But
Speaker 1: that also leads me to the other why other than
Speaker 1: just the wedding aspect of it, is the actual marriage
Speaker 1: of course, since we ultimately went into debt trying to
Speaker 1: live up to this expectation that that we thought was
Speaker 1: the American dream. Our marriage started very, very rocky, especially
Speaker 1: the first five years. Yes, and we had a honeymoon baby.
Speaker 1: Jackson came right after so big wedding, and then it's like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, what are we gonna do. The only
Speaker 1: thing in the beginning of our marriage that I will
Speaker 1: never ever regret is that we had a honeymoon baby
Speaker 1: and my baby boy came immediately. We went to Jamaica
Speaker 1: S two and we came back three. That was there
Speaker 1: was no mistakes there. That was that was that was it, like,
Speaker 1: that was the right, That was why everything happened. Like
Speaker 1: I don't believe, I don't really don't believe in mistakes.
Speaker 1: I believe in destiny, and I believe that we went
Speaker 1: through all of that and brought Jackson here, and Jackson
Speaker 1: kept us together. I was just about to say the
Speaker 1: same thing had time Jackson kept together? For sure? For sure? No, absolutely,
Speaker 1: So like why the valurun woman, you know, because you
Speaker 1: like it's aside, like you said, from the wedding planning
Speaker 1: and planning like a whole event. Again, Um, why was
Speaker 1: it so important to you to actually do it? Because
Speaker 1: I feel like we we have to commemorate the existence
Speaker 1: of ten years and celebrate that number one. But then
Speaker 1: also I want to renew the vows, like I want
Speaker 1: to say vows now because I understand more what it
Speaker 1: means to be married, more than I understood it when
Speaker 1: I was twenty six years old, you know, saying so
Speaker 1: when you write vows at six, you write vows based
Speaker 1: on where you are mentally emotionally, right, I'm at a
Speaker 1: completely different place now for me, sticking to those vows
Speaker 1: almost seemed non existent because my mom, I said, it's changed,
Speaker 1: which is crazy because when we did our vows, we
Speaker 1: opted not to do the traditional like repeat after me
Speaker 1: my uncle, my uncle Kevin shout out to Uncle Kirk,
Speaker 1: Kevin Kirk, who did the longest ceremony a wedding was
Speaker 1: an hour and a half. About fifteen minutes long, he
Speaker 1: started preaching. It was outside. I was like, bro, almost
Speaker 1: passed out. I love your uncle. I want to swing
Speaker 1: even amazing sermon, but that was just not the time
Speaker 1: in the play. But I mean it was super blessed.
Speaker 1: So I'd like to say some of that blessings helped
Speaker 1: us get through the ten years after that. She was
Speaker 1: trying to evangelize that I'll we he was calling out.
Speaker 1: I was like, what are you doing, Like this is
Speaker 1: the wrong event, This is the wrong event. But I
Speaker 1: hope I don't go to health of saying I want
Speaker 1: to swing on appreciate you go to help with that. No,
Speaker 1: I don't think. I don't think you can. Jesus knows
Speaker 1: your heart got I was joking I won't. But I
Speaker 1: mean we didn't do the whole repeat after me things,
Speaker 1: and you know, um, he just kind of gave us
Speaker 1: like an overall like here's some things you can't including
Speaker 1: in your vows, which made sense, but we were very
Speaker 1: adamant about, you know, writing our own vows, so that
Speaker 1: way it was authentic to us. But vows, I think
Speaker 1: you're right, are kind of ever evolving, changing with the times,
Speaker 1: and I think the recommitment was definitely something that's necessary
Speaker 1: for both of us, you know what I mean. The
Speaker 1: recommitment is definitely important. And like I said, like I
Speaker 1: said before, you know, I made some mistakes and did
Speaker 1: some things in the first part of I hate saying
Speaker 1: I made mistakes. I made some choices that were very
Speaker 1: selfish choices the first part of our marriage. That after
Speaker 1: doing this recommitment, I'm vowing to not make those same choices.
Speaker 1: And I think that it makes sense to restate those
Speaker 1: vows and say them out loud in front of our
Speaker 1: closest friends and families, you know, like I feel like now,
Speaker 1: I also want to say these vows in front of
Speaker 1: my sons because I want them to understand the value
Speaker 1: of marriage and the value of a union. I want
Speaker 1: them to see me and their mom standing at the
Speaker 1: altar committing to each other again. And now they're a
Speaker 1: little bit older, Jackson will definitely be old enough to
Speaker 1: understand and see it, right, you know. But Kirra and
Speaker 1: Cass it'll be somewhere, probably tearing up the hotel for
Speaker 1: the resort because that's what they do. But um, Jackson
Speaker 1: will be able to be like wow, like my parents
Speaker 1: did that, like they're doing that, and then ten years
Speaker 1: from now we can do it again and Cairo and
Speaker 1: Cass can be there this time as teenagers. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't say teenagers. They were ten years
Speaker 1: now they're gonna be teenagers. Just made me so sad.
Speaker 1: And then our daughter needs to see us ten years.
Speaker 1: I knew that was coming. And then ten years after that,
Speaker 1: we're gonna have to write. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: You guys can expect for us if that's the case,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. But it's funny because Okay,
Speaker 1: so you mentioned the kids, which is a very huge
Speaker 1: part for us, UM, And then that's funny because when
Speaker 1: I mentioned doing the four nu, I was like, hey,
Speaker 1: how about you and I and the kids, the five
Speaker 1: of us just like go somewhere, call our photographer friend
Speaker 1: Josh Show with Dwayne and be like, hey, bro, just
Speaker 1: gonna take some pictures of us on some months and
Speaker 1: top somewhere and just be the five of us. UM.
Speaker 1: But then you made a good point and it made
Speaker 1: me realize, you know what, You're right. So we were
Speaker 1: not able to make it this far without our village
Speaker 1: of support, our support village, our tribe of people who
Speaker 1: have helped us get to this point, and we would
Speaker 1: be remissed and we would not be able to sleep
Speaker 1: if we did not acknowledge everyone who had a hand
Speaker 1: in helping us get to this because I will tell
Speaker 1: you guys here and now today, our success is totally
Speaker 1: totally possible because of the help that we get. So
Speaker 1: it made sense to have again the closest people to us,
Speaker 1: the people who are children and the people who help
Speaker 1: with our children when we're not around, the people who
Speaker 1: have moved across country shout out me me. You know,
Speaker 1: had has left her life behind in Brooklyn to come here,
Speaker 1: you know, on loan from my dad. He's like, when's
Speaker 1: she coming back? You know, just just the family members,
Speaker 1: your brother Brian who helps with truck and Jackson, back
Speaker 1: and forth we're in Brooklyn, Like, just all the help
Speaker 1: that we get from our families. It was so necessary
Speaker 1: for us to have them there to celebrate in this
Speaker 1: and to me, the Valnu is not only just a
Speaker 1: viour newal for us, but like you said, it's a
Speaker 1: celebration of our friends and family if they made an
Speaker 1: investment in us early on in the in the marriage
Speaker 1: and the wedding. This is not our investment in them,
Speaker 1: this is our paying it back to them. But also,
Speaker 1: like I said before, I want I want my boys
Speaker 1: to see our culture. I want them to understand and
Speaker 1: experience at the union between two people is something sacred
Speaker 1: and it's something fun and enjoyable. And when they choose
Speaker 1: to get married, they're not going to sit back and
Speaker 1: be like, well, what's the husband's point in the marriage?
Speaker 1: They can sit back and watch like. No, when my
Speaker 1: dad did his valurnul, he wanted things like this. He
Speaker 1: wanted to look like this. He wanted this person there,
Speaker 1: he wanted that person there. And I want them to
Speaker 1: feel strong enough to say, well, this is what I want.
Speaker 1: You know what. They don't pushed out. That shocked me
Speaker 1: the first time around. When we got married. I was
Speaker 1: expecting for you to just kind of be like, all right, whatever,
Speaker 1: like because I was told historically men don't really care
Speaker 1: about the weddings and they're just kind of like, okay, whatever.
Speaker 1: Just you always hear the men say, oh, just tell
Speaker 1: me what time I got to be there. You know,
Speaker 1: that's just it. But Devo, on the other hand, was
Speaker 1: a very involved groom. He wanted to pick color schemes
Speaker 1: and what that. When I had my whole color scheme
Speaker 1: laid out at my girls in this color and that
Speaker 1: color in the floral arrangement, this was like, no, I
Speaker 1: wanted the wedding to be read Red's my favorite color.
Speaker 1: And then she was mad and I was like, but
Speaker 1: red doesn't go with my color scheme, Like what do
Speaker 1: you mean my color scheme and wedding? You see what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. I remember talking to our wedding plan at
Speaker 1: the time, and I was like, says like this dude
Speaker 1: is talking about he wants red. How are we gonna
Speaker 1: fit red in there? People think about that? Think about that.
Speaker 1: How do women expect men in to be excited about
Speaker 1: a wedding when you don't want to include the men
Speaker 1: in the wedding process? How was that I didn't want
Speaker 1: to include you. I was just shocked that you wanted
Speaker 1: to be that involved in it and that hands on.
Speaker 1: But then when I did want to be involved, you
Speaker 1: were kind of taken back, like yeah, I was just
Speaker 1: surprised by it because I was like, I didn't expect
Speaker 1: you to want to like something like color, Like normally
Speaker 1: guys are like, oh, the food is good. It's a
Speaker 1: top shelf liquor. You know who's the DJ. I want
Speaker 1: to je Limo, like there were certain things. That's my
Speaker 1: point though, but like I just wasn't expecting that from you.
Speaker 1: But that's my point. How do women expect men to
Speaker 1: be excited about the wedding process if y'all automatically exclude
Speaker 1: us from so many, so many of the processes because
Speaker 1: you assume that we're not going to be involved and
Speaker 1: we don't want to be involved. Fool me once, y'all,
Speaker 1: just like I want to wear this. I want to
Speaker 1: wear that. We're the first time around, I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: you love red so match so much. We're some red
Speaker 1: drawers all of the day. Since you love read so
Speaker 1: much to my drawers. Right, let the record show that
Speaker 1: as talk think about the wedding and the vows, the
Speaker 1: first person to talk about draws was Codeine, not me.
Speaker 1: It was Codeine. That's fine. I like, given some red draws.
Speaker 1: So you know, we like to pull out, you know,
Speaker 1: some facts and some articles and whatnot. And I produced
Speaker 1: to Jackie, she you know, found some tidbits and stuff.
Speaker 1: Thank you. I'm just saying I like to have the
Speaker 1: facts and I have my team help me do the research.
Speaker 1: So that being said, um, so whenever you picked the
Speaker 1: paper up, I can't see she picked the paper up,
Speaker 1: and she goes like this. She has a pen and
Speaker 1: my little notes I make on it and everything, because
Speaker 1: I got to keep you on track, because to be
Speaker 1: here talking, rambling and whatnot, I know, I have to
Speaker 1: have to get better with that. It's just like a
Speaker 1: thing that happens, that's anyway. It's that clearing at the throat.
Speaker 1: You know. There you go. This New York Times article
Speaker 1: on why couples renew their vows. Listen reasons on why
Speaker 1: people were doing their vows. Let's see if there's anything
Speaker 1: that coincides with us. One couple said that they wanted
Speaker 1: to have another reception to include new friends and families
Speaker 1: like in laws, new nieces and nephews. Opposite for us,
Speaker 1: we want to get rid of some people. But I
Speaker 1: cannot concur on that one. We're trying to chat people,
Speaker 1: but I to each their own. Another couple said they
Speaker 1: wanted a chance to do things they missed out on
Speaker 1: the first time, like actually getting to eat some of
Speaker 1: the wedding cake. With that I don't even remember how
Speaker 1: wedding we had a wedding cake, we had a dessert thing.
Speaker 1: Oh one thing I do remember from our wedding, which
Speaker 1: we will have to have this time around again, around again,
Speaker 1: is Jamaican rum cake. Black cake. That's like a staple
Speaker 1: at every every West Indian function. You have to have
Speaker 1: Jamaican black cakes. So we're gonna have to make sure
Speaker 1: who makes good black cake. Somebody email me let me
Speaker 1: know if you have, like an auntie or somebody granny
Speaker 1: that makes a good black cake. One man said that
Speaker 1: he wanted to show friends and families how friends and
Speaker 1: family how he's changed since his first wedding. He described
Speaker 1: himself as immature and an absent husband and father. He
Speaker 1: wanted to use this virynyal to show that he'd become
Speaker 1: a better, calmer person who puts his family first. I
Speaker 1: would agree with this, and I never thought I was
Speaker 1: an absent father. I think that I've been absent as
Speaker 1: a husband at times, trying so hard to be a
Speaker 1: present father and trying so hard to build stability, and
Speaker 1: I feel like I've been absent some time. And I
Speaker 1: could say that I've been an absent wife for sure.
Speaker 1: Degree that a marriage therapist said that a lot of
Speaker 1: her patients decided to have a vournal ceremony after therapy
Speaker 1: as a celebration of work they've done together in therapy
Speaker 1: and as a way to reconnect uh dead as podcast. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I've been our therapy session as we told you about that,
Speaker 1: So I can kind of agree for myself at least
Speaker 1: I Devout gave his why on why the viournal, But
Speaker 1: for me, I can take a little bit from the
Speaker 1: second and third from you know, HOMEBOYD has said he
Speaker 1: felt he was immature and absent as a father. I
Speaker 1: think there was a level of immaturity that I had
Speaker 1: to going into a marriage, not knowing what it meant
Speaker 1: to be a wife or the work that it was
Speaker 1: going to take to be invested in this relationship. UM.
Speaker 1: So here I am ten years later from that point knowing,
Speaker 1: like wow, a lot of the things that were just
Speaker 1: surface level and just material at the time really means
Speaker 1: so much more to me now having worked through the
Speaker 1: past ten years with Devot, through children, business ventures, ups, downs,
Speaker 1: you know, highslows, all that UM and also too, we've
Speaker 1: spoken so much about some of our issues openly on
Speaker 1: this podcast, UM, which we've learned is very relatable for
Speaker 1: a lot of couples. I can't tell you, guys how
Speaker 1: many times you know we've gotten enough course emails, listener letters,
Speaker 1: d M s, all that, um. But it becomes a
Speaker 1: little bit more tangible for us when we actually meet
Speaker 1: people in person, like even in our live shows, or
Speaker 1: if we bump into someone at the airport that says, you, guys,
Speaker 1: saved my marriage. Because I feel like I'm not the
Speaker 1: only one going through this, Like you've put a level
Speaker 1: of normalcy to my quote unquote problems. They're not really problems.
Speaker 1: They're just like people issues that we deal with and
Speaker 1: that we are worth working on. So for me, um,
Speaker 1: going back to my why with the vour renewal, I
Speaker 1: feel like this is going to be a kind of
Speaker 1: like a celebration for me to say, I'm celebrating the
Speaker 1: new woman that I am as to vows wife and
Speaker 1: as the mother to these three boys and knowing so
Speaker 1: much more than I knew ten years ago. I feel
Speaker 1: like the recommitment is necessary for sure, I'm sure, and
Speaker 1: I think it's going to be a great time. And
Speaker 1: I guess I would like some cake and I appreciate
Speaker 1: and I want to dance with you again. Yes, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I want to dance with you and slow dance, and
Speaker 1: I want to walk down the aisle again. Yes, you're
Speaker 1: gonna walk down the ale Gina didn't Martin. Yeah, with
Speaker 1: the slow walk and the drag step and all that
Speaker 1: good stuff, for sure. But we're just not going to
Speaker 1: have three hundred and thirty people and we're not going
Speaker 1: to spend the kind of money we spent last time
Speaker 1: because according to that not one more, one more little
Speaker 1: statistics before I leave you a little survey. According to
Speaker 1: the Knots Real Wedding Survey from two thousand eighteen, a
Speaker 1: couple spent a couple will spend on average thirty three thousand,
Speaker 1: nine and thirty one dollars on their wedding. That includes
Speaker 1: the cost of the engagement ring roundabout fifty hundred dollars,
Speaker 1: and in two thousand and ten, an average wedding costs
Speaker 1: just over twenty seven thousand, So it's increasing. Clearly, if
Speaker 1: it was twenty seven thousand and two thousand, eighteen thirty
Speaker 1: three thousand where we at in two thousand twenty, y'all, well,
Speaker 1: I will say it is we spent well over that
Speaker 1: average in two thousand and ten. Facts for all those
Speaker 1: people we did, So I ain't doing that. Average couple
Speaker 1: hosts one hundred and thirty one guests, and seventy two
Speaker 1: percent of those surveys said that their top priority was
Speaker 1: ensuring their guests were taken care of and had a
Speaker 1: good time. So people, So, so, I just want you
Speaker 1: how to look at this because I ain't gonna put
Speaker 1: my business on the street. Right. They said they had
Speaker 1: a hundred and thirty one guests and the average one
Speaker 1: guests was thirty three thousand. We had three people show up,
Speaker 1: So y'all do the math for how much our wedding
Speaker 1: costs and how stupid that was. It was so stupid,
Speaker 1: so stupid. This time around, we're gonna have a fraction
Speaker 1: of the guests and top priority is going to be
Speaker 1: that devol. I yes, have a grand alt with the
Speaker 1: people that we love, grand old time people that we love,
Speaker 1: and with the woman I love. So I love you girl,
Speaker 1: Oh I love you too. So exciting. What a great
Speaker 1: way to wrap this season. It's almost like a cliffhanger. See,
Speaker 1: I'll got to make sure that y'all follow the hashtag. Okay,
Speaker 1: follow the hashtag? Um, what's the hashtag again? Make sure
Speaker 1: you'll follow the hag what the hathang ellis ellis vournual?
Speaker 1: I started that on Instagram with a couple of photos
Speaker 1: and stuff here and there, And of course I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be doing some pieces on my my blogs, so make
Speaker 1: sure you catch up with that as well. And the
Speaker 1: other hashtag baby e four on the ways. See what
Speaker 1: you shouldn't have did that? What you messed up at
Speaker 1: was after we did a vournual shoot for being Collective magazine,
Speaker 1: Dive went on camera and gave all sorts of falsehoods,
Speaker 1: saying that the only reason why he's doing this bourn
Speaker 1: is because I promised him another baby that is going
Speaker 1: on the record. Where's the going on the record? And
Speaker 1: let y'all know that is not true. That little deal
Speaker 1: never happened. We never shook on it. That did not happen.
Speaker 1: So please don't women, women, can you being a renigga?
Speaker 1: Can I even say that? Can I? I don't even
Speaker 1: gonna say. Y'all know what renigga is, right, I can't
Speaker 1: call your renigga. That just sounds messed up you, uh man?
Speaker 1: I want to call your She taken back on a deal?
Speaker 1: I said to her? She said that, She said de
Speaker 1: vow would you marry me again? And I said, would
Speaker 1: you have another baby for me again? And she was like,
Speaker 1: if we have a vournewal. You didn't say that, did that?
Speaker 1: I did not say that you did. Maybe in your
Speaker 1: dreams are but ren word? You are re in word? Well,
Speaker 1: this last we wrapped this episode. Where do you? Where
Speaker 1: do you see yourself? For like your twentieth For our
Speaker 1: twentieth wedding anniversary, we had ten I got to think
Speaker 1: about twenty weeks. Gave me the ten. Can't we dream though?
Speaker 1: The same? When you want to dream about a baby,
Speaker 1: I just want to dream that we're gonna be in
Speaker 1: twenty years. Where do we see ourselves in twenty years?
Speaker 1: You are my honest opinion, In my honest opinion. Ten
Speaker 1: years from now, we'll have five kids because you'll get
Speaker 1: pregnant and we'll have twin girls. We'll live in a
Speaker 1: big house in Atlanta, live in a bit. You asked me,
Speaker 1: You asked me, can I can I not even finish
Speaker 1: my dream? We talked about your dream, how almost got
Speaker 1: broke trying to give you your dream? But I can't
Speaker 1: even talk about my dream on the podcast ahead. So
Speaker 1: we'll have twin girls. Right, we're living in Atlanta in
Speaker 1: a huge house. Jackson will be on his way to college.
Speaker 1: Oh no, he'll be an All American. He'll receive a scholarship.
Speaker 1: I don't want to go there, and no, you ask
Speaker 1: these question. He'll be receiving a scholarship to go to
Speaker 1: college to play basketball at Stanford or a prestigious HBCU.
Speaker 1: And Cairo and Cast will be following in his footsteps.
Speaker 1: There will be all Americans heading into high school because
Speaker 1: they're gonna play whatever sport they want to play. Cairo
Speaker 1: is probably gonna play an instrument, will probably be doing
Speaker 1: some sort of TV. Kas will be and it definitely does.
Speaker 1: And he'll be the only kid that nobody knows. My
Speaker 1: two princesses, My two princesses will be nine years old,
Speaker 1: and they'll look just like their mom, and they'll sit
Speaker 1: on my right shoulder, my left shoulder, and we'll just
Speaker 1: be walking around our big life mansion in Atlanta together,
Speaker 1: and that's where will be planning, planning our second vole renewal.
Speaker 1: And I let them to pick my whole outfit and
Speaker 1: everything they them two can desire, everything Daddy wants to wear.
Speaker 1: This is great. Yes, that's a great little story there.
Speaker 1: I don't even want to say my my twenty year
Speaker 1: at universe, who are I say? You took you took
Speaker 1: all the words out of my mouth with the accession
Speaker 1: of the daughters. But but yeah, you know, um, you
Speaker 1: know I probably say this as the moment of truth.
Speaker 1: I think this is a good moment of truth question.
Speaker 1: We'll do a little twist on it, right, So when
Speaker 1: we come back from the break with the ads and
Speaker 1: all that stuff and listener letters, your moment of the
Speaker 1: truth question is going to be something that you still
Speaker 1: appreciate about me or each other after ten years of marriage,
Speaker 1: in eighteen years being together. Woild that be a cute
Speaker 1: little moment of truth. Yeah, I already know what it is.
Speaker 1: You know what it is. Hold it hold that we
Speaker 1: talked all about renew We're gonna take a quick break,
Speaker 1: move into listener letters moment of truth of all that
Speaker 1: good stuff. But let's do some ads first. Okay, deal, deal,
Speaker 1: deal deal. This is for the record there. It is
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Speaker 1: Listen in Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite podcast app.
Speaker 1: All right, so we did a lot of babbling this
Speaker 1: time around, you know, this whole season. Let's get into
Speaker 1: our last bit of final listener letters. We had so
Speaker 1: many to sift through this season. Is the last episode
Speaker 1: of the season, but I'm gonna say it like it's
Speaker 1: the first. This is Cadine's favorite party. She'd be reading
Speaker 1: their emails and be all that, Oh, let me say, yes,
Speaker 1: better than some of them, Zane not novels from back
Speaker 1: in the day, and or your colts went toever and
Speaker 1: all the books. Shout out to people who remember what
Speaker 1: those are? Those were the jams back first. Yeah, go
Speaker 1: for it. Okay, Hey, Codina what's up. I recently got
Speaker 1: engaged back in November, and so my question is, do
Speaker 1: you think I'll regret not having a wedding. My fiance
Speaker 1: and I talked about it and just want to have
Speaker 1: a ceremony and go on a nice, relaxing vacation. I
Speaker 1: had a conversation with a friend and family member and
Speaker 1: was told that she regretted not having a wedding. I
Speaker 1: don't want that to happen to me. But but in
Speaker 1: our situation, we'd be the only ones paying for our
Speaker 1: wedding without the help of our parents, so it is
Speaker 1: very expensive. I would like to have one, but I
Speaker 1: would rather do a ceremony and go on a vacation
Speaker 1: since it is way more affordable. Everyone around us seems
Speaker 1: to keep trying to change our minds and trying to
Speaker 1: get us to have a wedding, so I keep having
Speaker 1: mixed emotions. Girls, this is what you tell them, bye bye,
Speaker 1: bye bye bye as you get get planning and you're
Speaker 1: going on your vacation, because what they want is for
Speaker 1: you to have a wedding so they can come and
Speaker 1: they can eat, and they can drink, and they can
Speaker 1: be merry and leave your ass in debt or or
Speaker 1: you can say everybody's want to change my mind? How
Speaker 1: about your chip together and throw us a wedding story
Speaker 1: to go fund me page. How that. Listen, you guys
Speaker 1: are making possibly the smartest decision of your life. And
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you like this, the wedding is never
Speaker 1: gonna go anywhere. What you can do is is go
Speaker 1: on a vacation right, save the money by your first house,
Speaker 1: then have the big wedding that you want to have,
Speaker 1: rather than trying to scrimpton and put it together for nothing.
Speaker 1: Says you can have a five years we're here. We
Speaker 1: are having a whole last one v renual ten years,
Speaker 1: ten years later. The wedding ain't going nowhere, So don't
Speaker 1: listen to them. They want to be able to dress
Speaker 1: up and come to you your events and all that stuff. Now,
Speaker 1: if you can afford it, and you can do it
Speaker 1: the way you want to do it, of course, absolutely.
Speaker 1: But if you, if you, if no one's gonna help you,
Speaker 1: and right now you're not in a good financial situation,
Speaker 1: do not put yourself in debt to appease your friends.
Speaker 1: Don't do it. Don't do it. We've done that already
Speaker 1: don't do it. Where those people devot Do you realize
Speaker 1: that they listened to the podcast right now and pissed
Speaker 1: because they know they're not coming to the valnual. That's
Speaker 1: where they are ship. No, but we've become those people
Speaker 1: that's like, don't do it. Don't do it. Like I
Speaker 1: remember people telling me little things back in the day
Speaker 1: when I was younger, I was thinking to myself, whatever,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do what I want anyway, but no, don't
Speaker 1: do it. Since we're telling you because you wrote it
Speaker 1: and you asked so clearly, only because you asked if
Speaker 1: you wanted to do it, I'd be like, go ahead
Speaker 1: and do it. You don't want to do it, No,
Speaker 1: the wedding and the festivities is not going anywhere. And
Speaker 1: if you do decide that you want to have one
Speaker 1: or your feeling regrets later on, go ahead and throw
Speaker 1: yourself a what as a big one and then invite
Speaker 1: who you want to invite. Here we go. That was easy.
Speaker 1: Next one. I do understand that every individual must define
Speaker 1: their own relationship and the terms of what works for them.
Speaker 1: But as a foundation, how would both of you define
Speaker 1: what exactly a wife or husband is, what qualities are pivotal.
Speaker 1: What expectations should you have on your spouse that would
Speaker 1: be different from just a boyfriend or a girlfriend relationship? Overall?
Speaker 1: What does it mean to be married? Long story short,
Speaker 1: you want to go first. I mean, I'm just happy
Speaker 1: somebody's asking these questions, and I'm assuming this person is
Speaker 1: not married yet, so they want to know what exactly
Speaker 1: goes into it. These are probably the questions I should
Speaker 1: have been asking getting married. So it could out to
Speaker 1: you for asking these questions because I didn't actually ask
Speaker 1: the questions about what goes into being a wife? Um?
Speaker 1: What are so pivotal life changing decisions that are going
Speaker 1: to be made? Um? So, So yeah, shout out to
Speaker 1: you for that. Um go ahead about go ahead and start.
Speaker 1: You look like you're ready to stalk. Yes I am,
Speaker 1: because you know, people always often debate about this right
Speaker 1: because I say all the time that marriage is a business. Right.
Speaker 1: It is technically a business. In order to get married,
Speaker 1: you have to go and apply papers through the state,
Speaker 1: and through the state, you are legally binded to this
Speaker 1: person that you're married to, which means when you die,
Speaker 1: your debts or your assets go to your wife or husband. Period.
Speaker 1: Marriage is a business right. I can sit here and
Speaker 1: lie to you and say it's about the love and
Speaker 1: trust and communication and blah blah blah. But you can
Speaker 1: have that with a boyfriend and girlfriend. Correct. Yes, Once
Speaker 1: you decide to sign on that line and become someone's
Speaker 1: life partner, you are legally obligated to certain things. With
Speaker 1: that being said, once you are a wife or a husband,
Speaker 1: you have to start thinking about these decisions as a business.
Speaker 1: You can't be as selfish because if you're a boyfriend
Speaker 1: a girlfriend and you decide, you know, I don't want
Speaker 1: to be with this person, you can walk away, and
Speaker 1: you can walk away with the same things that you
Speaker 1: came with. When you're married and you decide that you
Speaker 1: don't want to be with this person, if that happens,
Speaker 1: there's a lot more tied into that. So the decisions
Speaker 1: you make while in that marriage have to be taken
Speaker 1: with the same type of importance, which means you, guys,
Speaker 1: should discuss more finances. You should discussum your will, you
Speaker 1: should discuss your tax options. You to discuss who you
Speaker 1: vote for because who you vote for, and this is
Speaker 1: a huge thing, who you vote for may not affect
Speaker 1: you personally, but it may affect both of you together.
Speaker 1: So back in the day, when you were dating and
Speaker 1: you didn't speak to people about politics, it didn't matter.
Speaker 1: But now if you guys are sharing the householder, your
Speaker 1: income is affected by taxes and text right offs depending
Speaker 1: on who you vote for. You and your wife should
Speaker 1: discuss these things. And I just think that when you
Speaker 1: get married, you should start looking at your life as
Speaker 1: a business. The love is going to be there, because
Speaker 1: if the love is there, that's when you ask somebody
Speaker 1: to marry you. If y'all a boy from a girlfriend
Speaker 1: for some years or some months and y'all love each
Speaker 1: other and all that stuff is there, cool, do not
Speaker 1: forget the business part of marriage, I guess, I mean,
Speaker 1: I guess that would be the biggest change, because you
Speaker 1: look about a boyfriend and girlfriend, especially say, for example,
Speaker 1: someone who's been dating for a long amount of time,
Speaker 1: and you know, you have those those couples who have
Speaker 1: just been dating for like years and years and years
Speaker 1: and it just never decided to actually get married legally
Speaker 1: and sign on the dotted line. I even think about
Speaker 1: your grandma, Um, you're you're nanny like she was with
Speaker 1: you know, Papa John for over twenty years his boyfriend
Speaker 1: and girlfriend living together all that. I guess that would
Speaker 1: be considered common law. So there's certain laws associated with
Speaker 1: that that I'm not privy too. I'm not sure. But
Speaker 1: they were together for a very very long time and
Speaker 1: then you know, decided to retire and then eventually got married,
Speaker 1: and I think at that point it probably made sense
Speaker 1: because when you're married, especially at that age, you know
Speaker 1: your assets, You think about things where they're going to
Speaker 1: be going. Yeah, and who has like that next kid
Speaker 1: responsibility and all that for sure. Um So, yeah, that's
Speaker 1: a very very good point too. And then yeah, there's
Speaker 1: also two that I don't I know for some people
Speaker 1: I've heard, like it's different when you're dating someone for
Speaker 1: a long amount of time and then you finally married,
Speaker 1: you can call them a husband or wife. But there's
Speaker 1: so much more that goes into the title of a
Speaker 1: husband and a wife. And a lot of that too,
Speaker 1: is a lot of selflessness that goes into it because
Speaker 1: it's considering the whole unit versus just the individual, whereas
Speaker 1: boyfriend and girlfriend and things can be very separate some times.
Speaker 1: Um So there definitely it's like the entire unit, bless you.
Speaker 1: There's the entire unit now that you have to take
Speaker 1: into consideration and making those decisions that are very selfless
Speaker 1: sometimes or having to compromise on certain things, um, and
Speaker 1: having discussions about things that you can't just move on
Speaker 1: your own. You're going to have to move as a unit.
Speaker 1: So that's the biggest thing, is like trying to be
Speaker 1: on the same page. I think, um, within a marriage,
Speaker 1: it's very important as a wife and you know, taking
Speaker 1: care of your baby. I think I'm glad you said that.
Speaker 1: Taking care of your baby and just all the work
Speaker 1: you put in when you're dating someone. Normally when people
Speaker 1: get married, a lot of times just stops because you
Speaker 1: put all this work in to get to know someone,
Speaker 1: to love some want to trust someone, to be with someone.
Speaker 1: Then you get married and it's assumed that that's it's there.
Speaker 1: Now you're my wife, you're my husband. Is stopped like
Speaker 1: you know how I feel, you know how I feel?
Speaker 1: Like we're good? Like No, that same energy that you
Speaker 1: had to try to gain that person's trust to become
Speaker 1: a husband or a wife, you have to keep that
Speaker 1: to keep your marriage. But with that being yes, and
Speaker 1: it is difficult, but to be honest, it was difficult
Speaker 1: to get to this point. It's difficult to maintain this point.
Speaker 1: But with that being said, nothing changes love wise once
Speaker 1: you get married. The only thing that changes is the
Speaker 1: fact that you are technically a business, like seriously, And
Speaker 1: I don't think people understand that. Why I keep saying
Speaker 1: marriage is a business. God forbid, something that had happened
Speaker 1: to your husband or wife. Whatever debt they have rolls
Speaker 1: over on you. Now, whatever I asked us they have
Speaker 1: rolls over on you. It's kind of financial responsibility. Those
Speaker 1: financial responsibilities have to be taken care of by us
Speaker 1: as a community, because that's the only way we're gonna
Speaker 1: build generational wealth and be able to pass things onto
Speaker 1: the future generations by taking marriage and the business of
Speaker 1: marriage seriously. The lovey dovey stuff that's gonna be there
Speaker 1: if you work for it, if you work for it,
Speaker 1: but the business you've got to be on top of that.
Speaker 1: All right now, I'm passionate about this. You should be
Speaker 1: passionate about this. Two we when the debt getting married,
Speaker 1: thankfully we're out of that. I think about what we
Speaker 1: can do for our kids, to be honest, and then
Speaker 1: this is not you know, this is not me patting
Speaker 1: myself on the back. But Kadina and I have done
Speaker 1: things financially to be able to put things away for
Speaker 1: our children. And now it's to a point where if
Speaker 1: my son or my daughter saying if we have a
Speaker 1: daughter were to get married, I can offer them the
Speaker 1: opportunity to have the wedding that they want, not going debt,
Speaker 1: and provide them with a place to live so that
Speaker 1: they can start off with the next day rather than
Speaker 1: starting off in debt. And we're not accepting applications for
Speaker 1: y'all daughter. Put that out there. Do you understand that
Speaker 1: your sons are gonna get married? At some point you
Speaker 1: stop trying to hold onto these boys. Get it stop.
Speaker 1: So they're gonna get married, and they're not gonna forget
Speaker 1: about you. I know they won't. They have no choice
Speaker 1: by that they're not. We're gonna be a net empty
Speaker 1: nest house. We're gonna be able to swing from the shandez. Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm looking forward to that. I want an all white plates,
Speaker 1: so we're all white with the kids will not even
Speaker 1: be able to come to so we won't notice that.
Speaker 1: All I guess that actually have like a nice together space,
Speaker 1: gives them a nice foundation. Make sure that they're good.
Speaker 1: Make sure your grandkids are good. And that's that's about
Speaker 1: this love that dap me up up all right. Yes,
Speaker 1: So just because we're done for the season does not
Speaker 1: mean that the listening letters have to stop. If you
Speaker 1: have something on your heart, if something's going on, even
Speaker 1: in our hiatus, please make sure that you reach out
Speaker 1: to us. Email us at dead as Advice at gmail
Speaker 1: dot com. The email box is always open all right now.
Speaker 1: And uh, you know, if you want to be featured
Speaker 1: as a listener letter, be sure to hit us up there.
Speaker 1: All right. So I talked about the moment of truth.
Speaker 1: We're going to do a little different because normally it's
Speaker 1: just like a recap of the episode, our takeaway. But
Speaker 1: I had a particular question for you. Um, as we
Speaker 1: close on out, what's something that you still appreciate about me,
Speaker 1: or each other or our relationship after ten years married
Speaker 1: and eighteen years of being together. This is the God's
Speaker 1: honest truth. I can appreciate that you and I are
Speaker 1: still best friends. Your head head. I just say that.
Speaker 1: I just rubbed your head. Now you got this is
Speaker 1: exactly why we're still together. And while we're having another
Speaker 1: I heard what you said. What I just said I'm
Speaker 1: rubbing your head and now you gotta rub mom. Shut
Speaker 1: up about anyway. I was literally going to say that
Speaker 1: we're still like best buddies. We still laugh about nothing.
Speaker 1: You still God forgive us. But we make fun of
Speaker 1: people together. We're being a car people watching, laughing at
Speaker 1: people we do. We clown about some finish each other's sentence.
Speaker 1: Is still part of the reason why you, guys know
Speaker 1: us is because on social media you follow the funny
Speaker 1: silly videos and people say, you know, I hope your
Speaker 1: your relationship. You know it's really as good as it
Speaker 1: looks on social media. And I'll be honest, guys, we
Speaker 1: laugh and joke and are able to make funny videos
Speaker 1: because we are best friends. I love you, I love
Speaker 1: you my moment, I fucking love you. That's what we
Speaker 1: still appreciate that we're like legitimately friends like till the end.
Speaker 1: You got a friend in me. You got a friend
Speaker 1: in me when you when your road is ruugh for
Speaker 1: head and your mouth and your mouth from your nice
Speaker 1: warm baby, you got a friend. You got a friend.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you know the lyrics for the rest of it,
Speaker 1: because I didn't know anything past you got a friend
Speaker 1: of me. He was doing that nervous laugh and I hope,
Speaker 1: hope you don't ask me to don't turn to Mike
Speaker 1: my way. Don't turn to Mike by way. Oh my gosh. Alright,
Speaker 1: you give him one last outro baby for the for
Speaker 1: the road. This is the last show of the season.
Speaker 1: So much for listening it did it? Did? I feel
Speaker 1: like we have so much fun. Do you all have
Speaker 1: so much fun with us, because we sure has had
Speaker 1: have fun making these for you guys. I do hope
Speaker 1: you have for sure. Thank you so much for listening.
Speaker 1: If you want to continue following us, we mean, if
Speaker 1: you want to continue, you better continue to follow us
Speaker 1: on social media. He's going to threaten the people he
Speaker 1: actually following us on social media. I am subscribe to
Speaker 1: dead Ass or on stitchr, Spotify or Apple podcast And
Speaker 1: if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate,
Speaker 1: review and subscribe absolutely and we love, love, love you guys.
Speaker 1: Please be sure to stick around season four. We'll be
Speaker 1: here before you know it. But in the meantime, we're
Speaker 1: going a way to get married real quick again. Peace
Speaker 1: Dead as dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. We
Speaker 1: are produced by Jackie Soljico and Dinor Opinia are executive
Speaker 1: producer T Square. Our associate producers are Triple and Kristin Torres.
Speaker 1: Our Chief content Officer is Chris Bannon. Our studio engineer
Speaker 1: and original music is by Brendan Burns and last but
Speaker 1: not least, we are mixed by Andy Kristen. We'll back.
Speaker 1: I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a
Speaker 1: podcast going on right now as part of the Stitching
Speaker 1: Network called Abstraction that's available everywhere. Get the podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple,
Speaker 1: Go listen right now to the Distraction right now. It's out.
Speaker 1: Do it, please U