WEBVTT - The Playbook: Move On (Your Ex Already Has)

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<v Speaker 1>This is the most traumatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>Chris Harrison Lauren z Eman coming to you as we

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<v Speaker 1>open up the playbook, LZ, this is a very interesting playbook.

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<v Speaker 1>We're going to talk about how to move on after

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<v Speaker 1>you break up. You know what this stems from is

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<v Speaker 1>you know, I just had a very emotional podcast with

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<v Speaker 1>Jason Tartik, and I appreciate him coming on. We did

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<v Speaker 1>a two part series. If you haven't heard it, go

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<v Speaker 1>back and listen. Great response from all of you. But

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<v Speaker 1>one of the interesting things, and Jay and I talked

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<v Speaker 1>about this, not I don't think we talked about it

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<v Speaker 1>on the show, but afterwards, it's something I didn't have

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<v Speaker 1>to deal with as much. They are going to see

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<v Speaker 1>each other on social media forever, you know, before like

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<v Speaker 1>when I was you know, from back in my day,

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<v Speaker 1>you would break up and even your you know, first marriage,

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<v Speaker 1>you broke up, and you didn't have to relive everything

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<v Speaker 1>via social media as much.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, I mean Facebook started when I was in I

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<v Speaker 2>was going to my freshman year of college and Facebook.

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<v Speaker 3>Had just started. So I've kind of I've done all

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<v Speaker 3>my dating life on social media. Yeah, but not to

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<v Speaker 3>the extent. It's that now.

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<v Speaker 1>But yeah, you don't really just get to dump somebody

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<v Speaker 1>and just forget well that's never to see them.

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<v Speaker 2>Again, right, that doesn't happen anymore. And what we want

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<v Speaker 2>to get into today is how do you move on

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<v Speaker 2>when your ex has moved on? How do you deal

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<v Speaker 2>when your ex has moved on? And that is I

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<v Speaker 2>mean I don't think Jason Caitlin are there yet?

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<v Speaker 3>Right, there's that first phase. Well, here's the question.

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<v Speaker 2>A first question for you, is it almost Is it

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<v Speaker 2>easier when, like you both haven't moved on yet, when

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<v Speaker 2>you're both still in the turmoil.

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<v Speaker 1>For sure, because you and you're still probably talking a

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<v Speaker 1>little bit to each other, and you know, even if

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<v Speaker 1>it's just texting about other things, and so yes, there

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<v Speaker 1>is comfort in knowing both of you are still a

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<v Speaker 1>little heartbroken and still kind of ships drifting a sea.

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<v Speaker 2>But when your ex has moved on, that can be painful.

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<v Speaker 2>It's hard for many reasons. You can feel like, oh gosh,

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<v Speaker 2>it's really over. You can feel a worthlessness because you think, well,

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<v Speaker 2>I haven't found anyone yet.

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<v Speaker 3>It's like a hit to your self esteem.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, even when you know that person wasn't right for

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<v Speaker 1>you and you didn't want to get back together and

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<v Speaker 1>you weren't hoping it's it can be hard just because

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<v Speaker 1>they got there first.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh, it's so annoying when they get there.

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<v Speaker 1>No.

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<v Speaker 3>I actually.

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<v Speaker 2>I think that when you're going through a breakup, you

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<v Speaker 2>have to take all the painful things, take the pain

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<v Speaker 2>and spin it into positive. Like for me, when your

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<v Speaker 2>ex has moved on, you think like you're it's it's painful,

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<v Speaker 2>but you've got to turn that into Okay, it's really over.

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<v Speaker 3>I can move on now.

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<v Speaker 2>That was the last nail in the coffin there, I

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<v Speaker 2>can move forward.

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<v Speaker 1>One of the reasons I wanted to bring this topic

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<v Speaker 1>up with you, and it's a topic that you had

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<v Speaker 1>deal with a lot and experience camps and all that

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<v Speaker 1>is mourning and how people mourn differently. And Jason and

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<v Speaker 1>I talked about this, and I'm not equating it to

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<v Speaker 1>you know, losing your dad, but losing someone and breaking up.

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<v Speaker 1>There is a sense of mourning, and people, first of all,

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<v Speaker 1>mourn at different speeds and in different ways. Some people

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<v Speaker 1>bounce right back, some people bury it and kind of

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<v Speaker 1>bounce back, but you're really not healthy and so it

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<v Speaker 1>almost like let yourself barn which Jason and Caitlin are

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<v Speaker 1>kind of doing and I know Jason is for sure

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<v Speaker 1>allowing yourself to feel that pain and you know, whether

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<v Speaker 1>it's going through therapy or when he sat with me

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<v Speaker 1>and he's like, man, I am still feeling this stuff.

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<v Speaker 1>It's soon like I didn't realize how close to the

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<v Speaker 1>surface this is.

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<v Speaker 2>But you also have to recognize that that's normal. I

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<v Speaker 2>think it's important to know that there's nothing wrong with you.

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<v Speaker 2>And I tell people this with when they're going through

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<v Speaker 2>the loss of someone too, like it's normal and it's it's,

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<v Speaker 2>for lack of a better word, I mean, I don't

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<v Speaker 2>want you to be said, but it's good that you're

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<v Speaker 2>feeling this way. It would be an indicator that something

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<v Speaker 2>was wrong if you weren't sad about loss. You know,

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<v Speaker 2>it's human to feel sad about loss, so it's normal.

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<v Speaker 3>It's good.

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<v Speaker 2>I used to always say the phrase feel it well,

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<v Speaker 2>but do not dwell. I think you have to feel

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<v Speaker 2>your emotions and then you have to pick yourself up

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<v Speaker 2>and move on with breakups. With the loss of my dad,

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<v Speaker 2>I remember one time crying so hard in my car.

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<v Speaker 2>I just was in my car and I was like

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<v Speaker 2>screaming crying and like burst blood vessels in my face.

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<v Speaker 2>But this is about the loss of my dad, not

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<v Speaker 2>a breakup. But then I kind of had a moment

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<v Speaker 2>where I realize I got to get out of the car,

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<v Speaker 2>like I got to get out of the car and

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<v Speaker 2>keep going with my life, because what else am I

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<v Speaker 2>doing Otherwise I'm literally sitting here in my tears and

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<v Speaker 2>sitting here in my grief.

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<v Speaker 3>And life is to be lived.

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<v Speaker 2>So I think, again, take the pain, turn it into positive,

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<v Speaker 2>feel it well, allow yourself to feel those emotions, but

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<v Speaker 2>do not dwell. If you sit in that too long,

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<v Speaker 2>you're only hurting yourself and.

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<v Speaker 1>So many other things fester up and you start you

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<v Speaker 1>start spinning, and it's not You go to a dark

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<v Speaker 1>place and it's not good.

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<v Speaker 2>I also think with breakups, I really try to. It's

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<v Speaker 2>like putting a different pr spin on something like, let's

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<v Speaker 2>rebrand your breakup.

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<v Speaker 1>Go Gwyneth Paltrow unconscious, uncoupled, conscious, conscious, she reined divorce.

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<v Speaker 2>Yes, so let's do that brilliant With just breakups, which

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<v Speaker 2>is when two people break up. I don't even think

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<v Speaker 2>of it as like, oh, who broke up with who?

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<v Speaker 2>I just think of it as it wasn't the right fit. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>And I'm grateful that I know that so that I

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<v Speaker 2>can move on and find the person who is. And

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<v Speaker 2>I know I'm saying this and it's difficult to feel

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<v Speaker 2>it right after a breakup, but I do think you

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<v Speaker 2>have to view it that way. It's just like you

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<v Speaker 2>know when a job isn't the right fit, or a

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<v Speaker 2>friend's not right for you, or or anything. It's literally

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<v Speaker 2>the square peg doesn't fit the round hole. We did

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<v Speaker 2>not fit, we did not work. I'm glad I know

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<v Speaker 2>so that I can learn from this, take these new

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<v Speaker 2>lessons and find the person who's right for me.

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<v Speaker 1>Right. And that's what Lauren said is true. It's not

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<v Speaker 1>to say it doesn't suck right away, and the sting

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<v Speaker 1>is there and it's hard to You're not going to

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<v Speaker 1>realize these things twelve hours later. You're not going to

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<v Speaker 1>realize it, maybe even a week later, but you will

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<v Speaker 1>get there.

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<v Speaker 2>If we're getting specific, because this is like, this isn't

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<v Speaker 2>just how to get past the breakup.

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<v Speaker 3>This is the niche playbook of what do you do?

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<v Speaker 2>How do you handle it when your ex yeah, has

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<v Speaker 2>moved on and found someone else. Let's get personal. Your

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<v Speaker 2>ex wife got married four years ago. Yeah, what was

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<v Speaker 2>that like for you? Was it emotional at all?

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<v Speaker 1>It's it's never not emotional and it's never not weird.

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<v Speaker 1>It doesn't matter, like and we were very respectful of

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<v Speaker 1>each other, very good friends. I met him, good guy.

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<v Speaker 1>I was happy for them. All those feelings were there

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<v Speaker 1>and they were very true. But at the same time,

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<v Speaker 1>it's weird when your your ex who you've been had

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<v Speaker 1>been with for twenty years is getting remarried, because it's like,

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<v Speaker 1>it was just weird thoughts of like mostly like most

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<v Speaker 1>of those people were at my wedding and like, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>that's that's my former sister in law that you know,

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<v Speaker 1>it's just and I'm sure I haven't asked her, but

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<v Speaker 1>I would say one hundred percent she felt the same

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<v Speaker 1>way when you and I got married, because she knew

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<v Speaker 1>the kids, you know, and also we both got married

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<v Speaker 1>with the kids, so the kids were at her wedding,

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<v Speaker 1>and obviously the kids, the kids were at a major,

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<v Speaker 1>major part of our wedding. That's weird. It's weird that

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<v Speaker 1>your kids are at another wedding for their mom or

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<v Speaker 1>their dad.

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<v Speaker 2>I actually I'm going to I feel like there's probably

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<v Speaker 2>no better way to describe it. Like you keep saying

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<v Speaker 2>it's weird, but I don't think they're a better adjective.

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<v Speaker 1>Because because it's not negative, and it's not positive like

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't dwell in it at all. It didn't like

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't go have a cry or anything. It was

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<v Speaker 1>a these passing thoughts of like, oh, that's weird. Where

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<v Speaker 1>are the kids right now? Oh, they're at their mom's wedding. Oh,

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<v Speaker 1>that's bizarre. And by the way, some of my best

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<v Speaker 1>college friends were at the wedding, and I was grateful

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<v Speaker 1>they were there, and you know, they would send me

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<v Speaker 1>a funny emojis, but it was you know, and then

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<v Speaker 1>they were at our wedding too. Yeah, So it's just

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<v Speaker 1>it isn't weird.

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<v Speaker 3>I think there's a pang. I don't know a better word,

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<v Speaker 3>but yeah.

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<v Speaker 2>I remember when I there was someone who I was

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<v Speaker 2>dating and I saw, of course on Instagram they started

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<v Speaker 2>dating someone else, and I went there was just a

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<v Speaker 2>little pang, like not like I didn't have a I

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<v Speaker 2>wish we were still together, but it was sort of

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<v Speaker 2>I think it's a pang of oh that's really over.

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<v Speaker 3>That chapter is really closed now.

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<v Speaker 2>And again it's not a longing, but it's like just

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<v Speaker 2>you hit an emotional note in your body.

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<v Speaker 1>Social media is a big one, though.

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<v Speaker 2>I was just going to get into that. Yes, I

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<v Speaker 2>do think if I was going to give advice to someone.

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<v Speaker 2>First of all, let's applaud the mute feature on instag

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<v Speaker 2>You don't have to unfollow. Thank you to whoever invented

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<v Speaker 2>this at Instagram. If you don't know about it, mute

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<v Speaker 2>the person as a post of theirs comes up in

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<v Speaker 2>your feed.

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<v Speaker 3>It's weird.

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<v Speaker 2>You can't do it from their profile and obviously I'm

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<v Speaker 2>muted people because I'm telling you how to do it.

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<v Speaker 2>You can't do it on their grid, but if their

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<v Speaker 2>post comes up in your feed, you can select and mute,

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<v Speaker 2>which allow, which means that their posts and their stories

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<v Speaker 2>won't come up for you anymore. But the person won't

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<v Speaker 2>be like notified, and you won't have they won't see

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<v Speaker 2>you unfollowed.

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<v Speaker 3>Them or something.

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<v Speaker 2>So it's a really it's one of the better things

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<v Speaker 2>that's come out and a lot of health of a

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<v Speaker 2>lot of unhealthy things about social media.

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<v Speaker 1>And as much as you're gonna want to, don't.

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<v Speaker 3>Don't look them up here.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah you know exactly.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, don't.

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<v Speaker 1>Just don't go fishing. Don't it's you know, you'll be

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<v Speaker 1>sitting there late at night or maybe you've had a

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<v Speaker 1>couple of cocktails or whatever and your longing and don't, don't.

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<v Speaker 1>It's the fishing expedition is never going to bear fruit.

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<v Speaker 1>Just let it go, like out of sight, out of mine.

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<v Speaker 1>It was much better in the eighties and nineties and

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<v Speaker 1>you didn't even have to think about it. You just

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<v Speaker 1>forget the number, forget the pictures, let it go because

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<v Speaker 1>you're not going to see anything that you're gonna like.

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<v Speaker 1>It's not gonna make you feel better. Social media never

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<v Speaker 1>makes you feel better anyway. But that's another story.

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<v Speaker 3>But yeah, we're texting. I mean, don't text your ex.

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<v Speaker 3>It's over.

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<v Speaker 1>It's I know sometimes obviously we have to because of kids,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm not talking about and.

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<v Speaker 2>Now we're talking about the drunken late night you texted

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<v Speaker 2>your ex.

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<v Speaker 3>This is not good. Find a friend to take your phone.

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<v Speaker 1>When you reach out and you're hoping for.

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<v Speaker 3>S It's never good.

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<v Speaker 2>It's never like And that turned happily ever after when

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<v Speaker 2>when she drunk texted me after we broke up.

0:10:38.040 --> 0:10:39.880
<v Speaker 1>And then we fell in love and got.

0:10:39.720 --> 0:10:41.680
<v Speaker 3>Back to get it. It's never the fairy tale.

0:10:41.720 --> 0:10:44.760
<v Speaker 1>Look, it's if it's a good idea tonight, it'll be

0:10:44.760 --> 0:10:46.720
<v Speaker 1>a good idea in the morning. Sleep on it. If

0:10:46.760 --> 0:10:48.400
<v Speaker 1>you still want to send, you know, write the text,

0:10:48.559 --> 0:10:50.559
<v Speaker 1>leave it if you want to send it tomorrow morning.

0:10:50.559 --> 0:10:52.480
<v Speaker 1>But probably you're gonna wake up and go thank god,

0:10:53.240 --> 0:10:55.120
<v Speaker 1>I was in a weird space last night.

0:10:55.640 --> 0:10:58.000
<v Speaker 2>But yeah, I do think if we're talking get it

0:10:58.040 --> 0:11:01.400
<v Speaker 2>when your ex has moved on to me, just re

0:11:02.520 --> 0:11:07.160
<v Speaker 2>frame that as something freeing, okay, great, and something hopeful

0:11:07.320 --> 0:11:10.760
<v Speaker 2>they found someone I will too, you know. And by

0:11:10.800 --> 0:11:13.600
<v Speaker 2>the way, remember just because they've they're with somebody else

0:11:13.920 --> 0:11:16.319
<v Speaker 2>doesn't mean it's great. Doesn't mean that person's great. It

0:11:16.400 --> 0:11:16.920
<v Speaker 2>might suck.

0:11:17.040 --> 0:11:19.439
<v Speaker 3>So if you need to just have that little shady.

0:11:19.200 --> 0:11:22.920
<v Speaker 2>Sense of remember just because it looks good on Instagram

0:11:22.960 --> 0:11:24.000
<v Speaker 2>doesn't mean it is in real life.

0:11:24.120 --> 0:11:26.160
<v Speaker 1>Right, everybody's putting their best life up there, you know,

0:11:26.240 --> 0:11:28.360
<v Speaker 1>it's not the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

0:11:30.440 --> 0:11:30.880
<v Speaker 3>I love that.

0:11:31.600 --> 0:11:35.680
<v Speaker 1>My takeaway today from you, I've never heard that. Feel

0:11:35.720 --> 0:11:36.800
<v Speaker 1>it don't dwell.

0:11:36.679 --> 0:11:39.640
<v Speaker 3>Feel it well, I've never heard that. I made it

0:11:39.679 --> 0:11:40.960
<v Speaker 3>up myself. It helps that it rhymes.

0:11:41.080 --> 0:11:44.000
<v Speaker 1>That's really that if we're taking anything away from this

0:11:44.040 --> 0:11:47.079
<v Speaker 1>podcast which I will I learn from you today. Feel

0:11:47.080 --> 0:11:49.960
<v Speaker 1>it well, don't dwell. That's so good on so many

0:11:50.040 --> 0:11:52.440
<v Speaker 1>levels because it applies to business, it applies to breakups,

0:11:52.480 --> 0:11:56.120
<v Speaker 1>it applies to your family when you're dealing with the holidays.

0:11:56.679 --> 0:11:59.880
<v Speaker 1>Feel it well, don't dwell, and have a good holiday.

0:12:00.120 --> 0:12:03.080
<v Speaker 1>Thanks Elsie, thanks for the enlightenment, and thank you guys

0:12:03.080 --> 0:12:05.520
<v Speaker 1>for listening. Always enjoy talking to you, and we will

0:12:05.520 --> 0:12:07.720
<v Speaker 1>do it again next time because we have a lot

0:12:07.760 --> 0:12:10.520
<v Speaker 1>more to talk about. Thanks for listening. Follow us on

0:12:10.520 --> 0:12:13.439
<v Speaker 1>Instagram at the most dramatic pod ever and make sure

0:12:13.480 --> 0:12:15.640
<v Speaker 1>to write us a review and leave us five stars.

0:12:16.120 --> 0:12:17.160
<v Speaker 1>I'll talk to you next time.