Speaker 1: This is the most traumatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 1: Chris Harrison Lauren z Eman coming to you as we
Speaker 1: open up the playbook, LZ, this is a very interesting playbook.
Speaker 1: We're going to talk about how to move on after
Speaker 1: you break up. You know what this stems from is
Speaker 1: you know, I just had a very emotional podcast with
Speaker 1: Jason Tartik, and I appreciate him coming on. We did
Speaker 1: a two part series. If you haven't heard it, go
Speaker 1: back and listen. Great response from all of you. But
Speaker 1: one of the interesting things, and Jay and I talked
Speaker 1: about this, not I don't think we talked about it
Speaker 1: on the show, but afterwards, it's something I didn't have
Speaker 1: to deal with as much. They are going to see
Speaker 1: each other on social media forever, you know, before like
Speaker 1: when I was you know, from back in my day,
Speaker 1: you would break up and even your you know, first marriage,
Speaker 1: you broke up, and you didn't have to relive everything
Speaker 1: via social media as much.
Speaker 2: Well, I mean Facebook started when I was in I
Speaker 2: was going to my freshman year of college and Facebook.
Speaker 3: Had just started. So I've kind of I've done all
Speaker 3: my dating life on social media. Yeah, but not to
Speaker 3: the extent. It's that now.
Speaker 1: But yeah, you don't really just get to dump somebody
Speaker 1: and just forget well that's never to see them.
Speaker 2: Again, right, that doesn't happen anymore. And what we want
Speaker 2: to get into today is how do you move on
Speaker 2: when your ex has moved on? How do you deal
Speaker 2: when your ex has moved on? And that is I
Speaker 2: mean I don't think Jason Caitlin are there yet?
Speaker 3: Right, there's that first phase. Well, here's the question.
Speaker 2: A first question for you, is it almost Is it
Speaker 2: easier when, like you both haven't moved on yet, when
Speaker 2: you're both still in the turmoil.
Speaker 1: For sure, because you and you're still probably talking a
Speaker 1: little bit to each other, and you know, even if
Speaker 1: it's just texting about other things, and so yes, there
Speaker 1: is comfort in knowing both of you are still a
Speaker 1: little heartbroken and still kind of ships drifting a sea.
Speaker 2: But when your ex has moved on, that can be painful.
Speaker 2: It's hard for many reasons. You can feel like, oh gosh,
Speaker 2: it's really over. You can feel a worthlessness because you think, well,
Speaker 2: I haven't found anyone yet.
Speaker 3: It's like a hit to your self esteem.
Speaker 1: Yeah, even when you know that person wasn't right for
Speaker 1: you and you didn't want to get back together and
Speaker 1: you weren't hoping it's it can be hard just because
Speaker 1: they got there first.
Speaker 3: Oh, it's so annoying when they get there.
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 3: I actually.
Speaker 2: I think that when you're going through a breakup, you
Speaker 2: have to take all the painful things, take the pain
Speaker 2: and spin it into positive. Like for me, when your
Speaker 2: ex has moved on, you think like you're it's it's painful,
Speaker 2: but you've got to turn that into Okay, it's really over.
Speaker 3: I can move on now.
Speaker 2: That was the last nail in the coffin there, I
Speaker 2: can move forward.
Speaker 1: One of the reasons I wanted to bring this topic
Speaker 1: up with you, and it's a topic that you had
Speaker 1: deal with a lot and experience camps and all that
Speaker 1: is mourning and how people mourn differently. And Jason and
Speaker 1: I talked about this, and I'm not equating it to
Speaker 1: you know, losing your dad, but losing someone and breaking up.
Speaker 1: There is a sense of mourning, and people, first of all,
Speaker 1: mourn at different speeds and in different ways. Some people
Speaker 1: bounce right back, some people bury it and kind of
Speaker 1: bounce back, but you're really not healthy and so it
Speaker 1: almost like let yourself barn which Jason and Caitlin are
Speaker 1: kind of doing and I know Jason is for sure
Speaker 1: allowing yourself to feel that pain and you know, whether
Speaker 1: it's going through therapy or when he sat with me
Speaker 1: and he's like, man, I am still feeling this stuff.
Speaker 1: It's soon like I didn't realize how close to the
Speaker 1: surface this is.
Speaker 2: But you also have to recognize that that's normal. I
Speaker 2: think it's important to know that there's nothing wrong with you.
Speaker 2: And I tell people this with when they're going through
Speaker 2: the loss of someone too, like it's normal and it's it's,
Speaker 2: for lack of a better word, I mean, I don't
Speaker 2: want you to be said, but it's good that you're
Speaker 2: feeling this way. It would be an indicator that something
Speaker 2: was wrong if you weren't sad about loss. You know,
Speaker 2: it's human to feel sad about loss, so it's normal.
Speaker 3: It's good.
Speaker 2: I used to always say the phrase feel it well,
Speaker 2: but do not dwell. I think you have to feel
Speaker 2: your emotions and then you have to pick yourself up
Speaker 2: and move on with breakups. With the loss of my dad,
Speaker 2: I remember one time crying so hard in my car.
Speaker 2: I just was in my car and I was like
Speaker 2: screaming crying and like burst blood vessels in my face.
Speaker 2: But this is about the loss of my dad, not
Speaker 2: a breakup. But then I kind of had a moment
Speaker 2: where I realize I got to get out of the car,
Speaker 2: like I got to get out of the car and
Speaker 2: keep going with my life, because what else am I
Speaker 2: doing Otherwise I'm literally sitting here in my tears and
Speaker 2: sitting here in my grief.
Speaker 3: And life is to be lived.
Speaker 2: So I think, again, take the pain, turn it into positive,
Speaker 2: feel it well, allow yourself to feel those emotions, but
Speaker 2: do not dwell. If you sit in that too long,
Speaker 2: you're only hurting yourself and.
Speaker 1: So many other things fester up and you start you
Speaker 1: start spinning, and it's not You go to a dark
Speaker 1: place and it's not good.
Speaker 2: I also think with breakups, I really try to. It's
Speaker 2: like putting a different pr spin on something like, let's
Speaker 2: rebrand your breakup.
Speaker 1: Go Gwyneth Paltrow unconscious, uncoupled, conscious, conscious, she reined divorce.
Speaker 2: Yes, so let's do that brilliant With just breakups, which
Speaker 2: is when two people break up. I don't even think
Speaker 2: of it as like, oh, who broke up with who?
Speaker 2: I just think of it as it wasn't the right fit. Yeah,
Speaker 2: And I'm grateful that I know that so that I
Speaker 2: can move on and find the person who is. And
Speaker 2: I know I'm saying this and it's difficult to feel
Speaker 2: it right after a breakup, but I do think you
Speaker 2: have to view it that way. It's just like you
Speaker 2: know when a job isn't the right fit, or a
Speaker 2: friend's not right for you, or or anything. It's literally
Speaker 2: the square peg doesn't fit the round hole. We did
Speaker 2: not fit, we did not work. I'm glad I know
Speaker 2: so that I can learn from this, take these new
Speaker 2: lessons and find the person who's right for me.
Speaker 1: Right. And that's what Lauren said is true. It's not
Speaker 1: to say it doesn't suck right away, and the sting
Speaker 1: is there and it's hard to You're not going to
Speaker 1: realize these things twelve hours later. You're not going to
Speaker 1: realize it, maybe even a week later, but you will
Speaker 1: get there.
Speaker 2: If we're getting specific, because this is like, this isn't
Speaker 2: just how to get past the breakup.
Speaker 3: This is the niche playbook of what do you do?
Speaker 2: How do you handle it when your ex yeah, has
Speaker 2: moved on and found someone else. Let's get personal. Your
Speaker 2: ex wife got married four years ago. Yeah, what was
Speaker 2: that like for you? Was it emotional at all?
Speaker 1: It's it's never not emotional and it's never not weird.
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter, like and we were very respectful of
Speaker 1: each other, very good friends. I met him, good guy.
Speaker 1: I was happy for them. All those feelings were there
Speaker 1: and they were very true. But at the same time,
Speaker 1: it's weird when your your ex who you've been had
Speaker 1: been with for twenty years is getting remarried, because it's like,
Speaker 1: it was just weird thoughts of like mostly like most
Speaker 1: of those people were at my wedding and like, you know,
Speaker 1: that's that's my former sister in law that you know,
Speaker 1: it's just and I'm sure I haven't asked her, but
Speaker 1: I would say one hundred percent she felt the same
Speaker 1: way when you and I got married, because she knew
Speaker 1: the kids, you know, and also we both got married
Speaker 1: with the kids, so the kids were at her wedding,
Speaker 1: and obviously the kids, the kids were at a major,
Speaker 1: major part of our wedding. That's weird. It's weird that
Speaker 1: your kids are at another wedding for their mom or
Speaker 1: their dad.
Speaker 2: I actually I'm going to I feel like there's probably
Speaker 2: no better way to describe it. Like you keep saying
Speaker 2: it's weird, but I don't think they're a better adjective.
Speaker 1: Because because it's not negative, and it's not positive like
Speaker 1: I didn't dwell in it at all. It didn't like
Speaker 1: I didn't go have a cry or anything. It was
Speaker 1: a these passing thoughts of like, oh, that's weird. Where
Speaker 1: are the kids right now? Oh, they're at their mom's wedding. Oh,
Speaker 1: that's bizarre. And by the way, some of my best
Speaker 1: college friends were at the wedding, and I was grateful
Speaker 1: they were there, and you know, they would send me
Speaker 1: a funny emojis, but it was you know, and then
Speaker 1: they were at our wedding too. Yeah, So it's just
Speaker 1: it isn't weird.
Speaker 3: I think there's a pang. I don't know a better word,
Speaker 3: but yeah.
Speaker 2: I remember when I there was someone who I was
Speaker 2: dating and I saw, of course on Instagram they started
Speaker 2: dating someone else, and I went there was just a
Speaker 2: little pang, like not like I didn't have a I
Speaker 2: wish we were still together, but it was sort of
Speaker 2: I think it's a pang of oh that's really over.
Speaker 3: That chapter is really closed now.
Speaker 2: And again it's not a longing, but it's like just
Speaker 2: you hit an emotional note in your body.
Speaker 1: Social media is a big one, though.
Speaker 2: I was just going to get into that. Yes, I
Speaker 2: do think if I was going to give advice to someone.
Speaker 2: First of all, let's applaud the mute feature on instag
Speaker 2: You don't have to unfollow. Thank you to whoever invented
Speaker 2: this at Instagram. If you don't know about it, mute
Speaker 2: the person as a post of theirs comes up in
Speaker 2: your feed.
Speaker 3: It's weird.
Speaker 2: You can't do it from their profile and obviously I'm
Speaker 2: muted people because I'm telling you how to do it.
Speaker 2: You can't do it on their grid, but if their
Speaker 2: post comes up in your feed, you can select and mute,
Speaker 2: which allow, which means that their posts and their stories
Speaker 2: won't come up for you anymore. But the person won't
Speaker 2: be like notified, and you won't have they won't see
Speaker 2: you unfollowed.
Speaker 3: Them or something.
Speaker 2: So it's a really it's one of the better things
Speaker 2: that's come out and a lot of health of a
Speaker 2: lot of unhealthy things about social media.
Speaker 1: And as much as you're gonna want to, don't.
Speaker 3: Don't look them up here.
Speaker 1: Yeah you know exactly.
Speaker 3: Yeah, don't.
Speaker 1: Just don't go fishing. Don't it's you know, you'll be
Speaker 1: sitting there late at night or maybe you've had a
Speaker 1: couple of cocktails or whatever and your longing and don't, don't.
Speaker 1: It's the fishing expedition is never going to bear fruit.
Speaker 1: Just let it go, like out of sight, out of mine.
Speaker 1: It was much better in the eighties and nineties and
Speaker 1: you didn't even have to think about it. You just
Speaker 1: forget the number, forget the pictures, let it go because
Speaker 1: you're not going to see anything that you're gonna like.
Speaker 1: It's not gonna make you feel better. Social media never
Speaker 1: makes you feel better anyway. But that's another story.
Speaker 3: But yeah, we're texting. I mean, don't text your ex.
Speaker 3: It's over.
Speaker 1: It's I know sometimes obviously we have to because of kids,
Speaker 1: and I'm not talking about and.
Speaker 2: Now we're talking about the drunken late night you texted
Speaker 2: your ex.
Speaker 3: This is not good. Find a friend to take your phone.
Speaker 1: When you reach out and you're hoping for.
Speaker 3: S It's never good.
Speaker 2: It's never like And that turned happily ever after when
Speaker 2: when she drunk texted me after we broke up.
Speaker 1: And then we fell in love and got.
Speaker 3: Back to get it. It's never the fairy tale.
Speaker 1: Look, it's if it's a good idea tonight, it'll be
Speaker 1: a good idea in the morning. Sleep on it. If
Speaker 1: you still want to send, you know, write the text,
Speaker 1: leave it if you want to send it tomorrow morning.
Speaker 1: But probably you're gonna wake up and go thank god,
Speaker 1: I was in a weird space last night.
Speaker 2: But yeah, I do think if we're talking get it
Speaker 2: when your ex has moved on to me, just re
Speaker 2: frame that as something freeing, okay, great, and something hopeful
Speaker 2: they found someone I will too, you know. And by
Speaker 2: the way, remember just because they've they're with somebody else
Speaker 2: doesn't mean it's great. Doesn't mean that person's great. It
Speaker 2: might suck.
Speaker 3: So if you need to just have that little shady.
Speaker 2: Sense of remember just because it looks good on Instagram
Speaker 2: doesn't mean it is in real life.
Speaker 1: Right, everybody's putting their best life up there, you know,
Speaker 1: it's not the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 3: I love that.
Speaker 1: My takeaway today from you, I've never heard that. Feel
Speaker 1: it don't dwell.
Speaker 3: Feel it well, I've never heard that. I made it
Speaker 3: up myself. It helps that it rhymes.
Speaker 1: That's really that if we're taking anything away from this
Speaker 1: podcast which I will I learn from you today. Feel
Speaker 1: it well, don't dwell. That's so good on so many
Speaker 1: levels because it applies to business, it applies to breakups,
Speaker 1: it applies to your family when you're dealing with the holidays.
Speaker 1: Feel it well, don't dwell, and have a good holiday.
Speaker 1: Thanks Elsie, thanks for the enlightenment, and thank you guys
Speaker 1: for listening. Always enjoy talking to you, and we will
Speaker 1: do it again next time because we have a lot
Speaker 1: more to talk about. Thanks for listening. Follow us on
Speaker 1: Instagram at the most dramatic pod ever and make sure
Speaker 1: to write us a review and leave us five stars.
Speaker 1: I'll talk to you next time.