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Speaker 1: Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the

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Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through

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Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and

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Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back

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Speaker 1: to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is

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Speaker 1: so great to have you here. Today we have a

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Speaker 1: special edition episode. We have my yearly birthday episode. Last year,

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Speaker 1: I think last year we spoke about birthday anxiety and

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Speaker 1: the year before it was like the fear of getting

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Speaker 1: older maybe. But today we're doing something more classic, and

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Speaker 1: I'm going to talk about the twenty six lessons I've

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Speaker 1: learned from the last twenty six years of life. Some

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Speaker 1: of these are really practical, others are more psychological, some

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Speaker 1: are really personal. Summer just weird. But I went out

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Speaker 1: for dinner with myself the other night and I sat down,

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Speaker 1: I brought my little notebook and I just really reflected

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Speaker 1: on what I've learned, and it was rather emotional like

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Speaker 1: it was. I did have a few tiers of the

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Speaker 1: waiters were looking at me weird. I also did have

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Speaker 1: a few martinis, so two of those things could have

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Speaker 1: contributed to each other. But this last year has just

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Speaker 1: been so mind blowing. It's just been the biggest year

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Speaker 1: of my life. My book came out, the podcast on Netflix,

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Speaker 1: moving to London. Those are just the headlines. And yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's like kind of hard to process sometimes, and I

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Speaker 1: I'm so grateful, and I was just really reflecting on

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Speaker 1: the lessons that I've gained, both in the last year,

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Speaker 1: but before any of this happened, before I was even

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Speaker 1: in my twenties, when I was seventeen, sixteen, yeah, twenty one.

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Speaker 1: Things that have stuck with me as well from all

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Speaker 1: those experiences, and it was actually really therapeutic to just

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Speaker 1: like sit down and put them on a page. So

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Speaker 1: if you have a birthday coming up, I would actually

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Speaker 1: really really encourage you to do this and just to

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Speaker 1: reflect on the lesson one lesson from every year, from

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Speaker 1: the past however many years of your life. It can

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Speaker 1: get pretty emotional, but I want to share them with

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Speaker 1: you guys today, So without further ado, let's get into it. Okay,

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Speaker 1: let's begin with lesser number one. Let's number one. This

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Speaker 1: is the most important one. I think every year you

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Speaker 1: will realize more and more how young you actually are.

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Speaker 1: I remember turning twenty and being like it is the

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Speaker 1: beginning of the end for me, which is ridiculous. It's ludicrous,

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Speaker 1: Like I'd only been an adult for like two years

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Speaker 1: at that point, but it just felt like time is

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Speaker 1: already starting to crush me and move very fast. And

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Speaker 1: you know, then twenty one came around, I felt the

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Speaker 1: same way than twenty two to twenty three, and I

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Speaker 1: felt a little bit less and it's become a little

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Speaker 1: bit less intense. It was definitely still there last year,

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Speaker 1: but now at twenty six, I feel so young. I

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Speaker 1: feel my age and I feel my youth so clearly,

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Speaker 1: and I also know I just guess based on experience.

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Speaker 1: It just keeps getting better and it keeps getting different.

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Speaker 1: I've also stopped joking with my friends that I'm still

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Speaker 1: twenty two. I used to do that, and I was like,

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Speaker 1: you know what, No, I'm excited about aging. You know

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Speaker 1: that term youth is wasted on the young. I think

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Speaker 1: that's what they're referring to here. Like, honestly, when you're young,

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Speaker 1: you obsess over not being the age you were the

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Speaker 1: year before, and we obsess over getting older, not realizing

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Speaker 1: how much time we're wasting in the prime of our lives.

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Speaker 1: Thinking about aging, we think thirty years old, and we

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Speaker 1: think fifty or sixty years old when those are prime years,

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Speaker 1: Like we've got so much to look forward to, and

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Speaker 1: that has been a hugeing from my twenty sixth year,

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Speaker 1: Like I feel my age and my age is young.

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Speaker 1: Whatever my fears and whatever the fearmongering of society wants

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Speaker 1: to tell me that I'm I'm like seconds from death

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Speaker 1: is like ridiculous, and I think that's been a very

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Speaker 1: important lesson. Secondly, it is impossible to waste time. I

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Speaker 1: don't know where this idea came from of like I'm

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Speaker 1: wasting my twenties, I'm wasting my time. It's like disappearing

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Speaker 1: from my underneath me. Let's be clear here. Time is

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Speaker 1: not something you can spoil. It's not something you can misuse,

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Speaker 1: like it's not a bag of spinach that you left

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Speaker 1: in the back of the fridge. As long as you

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Speaker 1: are having an experience, every moment is contributing to your story,

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Speaker 1: even the time that you spent waiting and the time

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Speaker 1: that you feel like life isn't moving fast enough. Time

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Speaker 1: is a human construct. We have to remember there are

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Speaker 1: days that feel like years, and there are years that

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Speaker 1: feel like days and days where life is completely going

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Speaker 1: to change all at once and it's just gonna feel

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Speaker 1: like everything has just happened in that moment. And I

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Speaker 1: used to get so panicked that I wasn't allocating my

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Speaker 1: time well enough, And obviously a big part of that

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Speaker 1: was like a deep fear of regret as well that

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Speaker 1: I was missing out. But now I know that as

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Speaker 1: long as I'm doing something anything with my life, even

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Speaker 1: if other people don't understand it or see the meaning

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Speaker 1: in it, time is being well spent. And those experiences

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Speaker 1: in themselves, even if they're not they're not exactly the

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Speaker 1: ones I want to be having, they are really really valuable. Okay,

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Speaker 1: let's do a little trifecta of lessons here, a three

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Speaker 1: for one deal. Fight with your friends. Forgive your friends,

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Speaker 1: recognize that sometimes you are the asshole. Let's start with

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Speaker 1: number one, Fight with your friends. I said this in

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Speaker 1: our is friendship meant to be inconvenient episode? But you

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Speaker 1: deserve friends who are willing to fight with you and

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Speaker 1: to really get it all out in the open with you.

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Speaker 1: Friends are people that you have no reason to fight with.

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Speaker 1: Good friends are those you want to avoid fighting with.

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Speaker 1: Best friends. Great friends are those that you will go

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Speaker 1: tota toe with. That is how you know that they're

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Speaker 1: on that next level. Conflict is uncomfortable, it's not as

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Speaker 1: uncomfortable as losing somebody and not being able to have

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Speaker 1: them in your life in the future. Part of that

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Speaker 1: is also number two. Forgive your friends right. Obviously, there

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Speaker 1: is a level where you probably can't. But I lost

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Speaker 1: a lot of friends in my early twenties over stupid

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Speaker 1: mistakes that I couldn't forgive people for. And I would

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Speaker 1: have made those same mistakes as well, and I regret

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Speaker 1: it all the time. I wish I'd had the foresight

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Speaker 1: to realize, like, wow, that was really small and minuscule,

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Speaker 1: and those problems like that's nothing, but the damage had

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Speaker 1: already been done yep them, but also by me because

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Speaker 1: I couldn't forgive, and I didn't feel like I could

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Speaker 1: go back and say, hey, maybe I was wrong because

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Speaker 1: I was so headstrong in my judgments. Now, I definitely

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Speaker 1: have a much more broader forgiveness policy, which is sometimes

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Speaker 1: less than healthy. I feel like sometimes I do let

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Speaker 1: people get away with things, but I just like to

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Speaker 1: see the good in people, and I think that's important.

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Speaker 1: Most people aren't malicious. Most people are just careless and

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Speaker 1: a lot of their actions are forgivable if you remove

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Speaker 1: your ego from it and see that I don't know,

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Speaker 1: I guess not everything is about you. Okay. Number four,

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Speaker 1: Sometimes you are the asshole. Recognize that you are the asshole,

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Speaker 1: and you have to stop looking for reassurance and stop

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Speaker 1: telling the story thirty forty fifty different ways so that

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Speaker 1: it makes you seem like you weren't the villain and

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Speaker 1: that you were the good guy, and spinning the situation

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Speaker 1: so that you're you can feel in the clear you

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Speaker 1: weren't the good You know you weren't the good guy.

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Speaker 1: The next best thing you can do is to admit

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Speaker 1: you screwed up and be better. I feel like there

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Speaker 1: is so much ego protection going on in these situations

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Speaker 1: where all we want to do is survive with our

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Speaker 1: identity intact, and we want to survive feeling like we

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Speaker 1: are a good person. And the thing that good people

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Speaker 1: do is that they admit when they were wrong, and

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Speaker 1: they aren't just aware that other people make mistakes. They're

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Speaker 1: aware that they make mistakes as well, and that's just

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Speaker 1: a part of life and holding it against yourself too

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Speaker 1: tightly and too strongly actually means that you can never

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Speaker 1: admit it. You can never admit that you have done

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Speaker 1: something wrong because that in itself would injure your ego

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Speaker 1: and injure your self esteem so gravely that it's easier

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Speaker 1: just to pretend and to convince yourself that you're always

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Speaker 1: in the right and you're not. Sometimes you're in the wrong,

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Speaker 1: and life gets a lot easier when you are able

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Speaker 1: to admit that, especially in friendships, especially in real life

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Speaker 1: relationships in general. Okay, I kind of like this trifecta thing,

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Speaker 1: So speaking of relationships, let's do one more like three

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Speaker 1: for one deal. I have one specific relationship that there

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Speaker 1: was one specific relationship in my twenties that informed so

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Speaker 1: many of the lessons that I have on love. So

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Speaker 1: I'm going to thank him and say, sincerely, I hope

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Speaker 1: you're doing well. But these tips all came from this,

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Speaker 1: and I think they're so valuable. Don't get into a

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Speaker 1: relationship right after a breakup. Just because you're thinking about

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Speaker 1: someone doesn't mean they're the one. And allow yourself to

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Speaker 1: get mad at the people who break your heart, and

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Speaker 1: equally stand up for yourself when you're not being treated right.

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Speaker 1: So I want to start with this first one. Don't

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Speaker 1: get into a relationship straight after a breakup. I feel

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Speaker 1: like a lot of you guys can relate. Everybody has

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Speaker 1: to make this mistake at some point. I think it

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Speaker 1: is in many ways a little bit of a rite

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Speaker 1: of passage. But I did this, and I remember being like,

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Speaker 1: oh no, I'm totally healed, I'm totally fine, I'm totally

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Speaker 1: ready for this. And that's just absolute nonsense. Like I

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Speaker 1: had not processed a single thing, and getting into a

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Speaker 1: new relationship was just an excellent form of avoidance that

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Speaker 1: looked like the opposite, Like it looked like moving on,

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Speaker 1: because it was the thing that was the most obvious

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Speaker 1: form of moving on. But I was just finding myself

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Speaker 1: in the same conditions and the same yeah, the same

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Speaker 1: conditions are feeling cared for this guy. I don't think

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Speaker 1: he really cared for me, but feeling affection and thinking

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Speaker 1: that that was like going to make my life better.

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Speaker 1: The thing is is that you will have all this

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Speaker 1: unresolved stuff that is going to come out in that relationship.

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Speaker 1: That is going to just mean that by the end

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Speaker 1: of it, you're processing two heartbreaks on top of each other.

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Speaker 1: Because you've never processed the one before. When this relationship

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Speaker 1: inevitably ends, everything comes to the surface. Everything from both

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Speaker 1: those situations becomes just like so apparent and it's gonna hurt.

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Speaker 1: I say, it's a lesson. Would I do it again?

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Speaker 1: I would? I do think that it was really valuable,

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Speaker 1: and it was very valuable in getting me to where

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Speaker 1: I am now. Those both of those breakups are a

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Speaker 1: big part of the history of the psychology of your twenties,

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Speaker 1: that second part of that trifactor. Just because you're thinking

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Speaker 1: about somebody doesn't mean they're the one. I feel like

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Speaker 1: there were so many times where I would have a

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Speaker 1: dream about somebody used to be with, or their name

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Speaker 1: or the thought of them would pop into my head,

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Speaker 1: and I would read so heavily into it that it

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Speaker 1: would dictate my behavior and understanding the psychology now that

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Speaker 1: I didn't back then. I know that it's just my brain,

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Speaker 1: and that was my brain trying to figure out where

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Speaker 1: to put those memories and trying to figure out where

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Speaker 1: to place that person. Back then, I thought every dream,

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Speaker 1: every thought, everything that reminded me of somebody was a

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Speaker 1: sign that this was destiny and we were meant to

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Speaker 1: be together now, I just realize it's just a coincidence.

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Speaker 1: So if you're having those thoughts right now of like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, maybe they were the one you think

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Speaker 1: about a million different things every single day. This is

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Speaker 1: just another one of those thoughts. It's your choice whether

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Speaker 1: you read into it or whether you move past it.

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Speaker 1: And my final point in this trifecta of like semi

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Speaker 1: relationship advice and to be honest, I don't know if

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Speaker 1: it's good, but it's just the lessons I've learned. Allow

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Speaker 1: yourself to get mad after a breakup and allow yourself

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Speaker 1: to really say what you need to say to stand

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Speaker 1: up for yourself. I was having this conversation with my

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Speaker 1: friend the other day who's recently ended a relationship or

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Speaker 1: somebody has ended a relationship with her in a very

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Speaker 1: unfair and cruel fashion, and she was like, do I

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Speaker 1: say something? Do I reach out to him? And I

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Speaker 1: said to her, and I'm being totally honest, if there

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Speaker 1: is something that you wish you had said or still

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Speaker 1: want to say, you should say it, and you should

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Speaker 1: allow yourself to get angry because a lesson I've learned

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Speaker 1: from having done that and not having done that in

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Speaker 1: certain certain situations. Is that when there are things left unsaid,

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Speaker 1: whether those are good or bad, you're always going to

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Speaker 1: come back to it and linger on it. So if

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Speaker 1: there is something like really heavy on your heart and

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Speaker 1: somebody has really hurt you, it's not They're allowed to

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Speaker 1: feel that pain. You don't have to be the only

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Speaker 1: one who carries what you've experienced. And if there is

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Speaker 1: an opportunity for that kind of closure, I don't know

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Speaker 1: if it's the healthiest thing in the world, I still

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Speaker 1: think that you should take it because I think there

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Speaker 1: is some healing in just saying your piece about how

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Speaker 1: somebody has hurt you. Okay, I feel like we need

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Speaker 1: a lighthearted one after that. I feel like that was very,

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Speaker 1: very intense. So number nine, practice some magic and don't

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Speaker 1: neglect your spiritual practices. Long term listeners know that I

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Speaker 1: had some really let's say, intense experiences with the church

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Speaker 1: in my teen years. I used to be very religious,

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Speaker 1: used to be a big fan of Jesus, but after

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Speaker 1: like some kind of poor encounters with some people, I

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Speaker 1: kind of dropped away and lost belief, and that actually

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Speaker 1: created a lot of emptiness. I think as humans it's

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Speaker 1: important we believe in something, And after twenty six years,

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Speaker 1: I feel like I now know that having spiritual practices

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Speaker 1: and having a spiritual routine is just as important to

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Speaker 1: me as having an exercise routine or having a budgeting

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Speaker 1: routine or a social life. Without it, I slip, I

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Speaker 1: slip fast. So I really think that it's important that

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Speaker 1: whether you are part of a religion or you're not,

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Speaker 1: whether you're spiritual or not, you do have some kind

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Speaker 1: of practices that you not you do something bigger and

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Speaker 1: you note you too, and allow you to see the

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Speaker 1: thread that pulls all those experiences together. Some of the

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Speaker 1: things that I do is I still sing worship songs sometimes,

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Speaker 1: like I just I like to sing, and honestly, worship

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Speaker 1: music is amazing. Don't obviously believe everything that they're talking about,

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Speaker 1: but it's amazing, and I think that having that like

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Speaker 1: musical connections is important. I also like to practice picking

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Speaker 1: one person who has annoyed me or frustrated me, like

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Speaker 1: once a week, and I like to think as many

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Speaker 1: good things about that person as possible and wish like

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Speaker 1: everything good comes true for them. And I like to

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Speaker 1: imagine like a bubble coming out of me and surrounding

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Speaker 1: them with positivity. I don't know. That's a really spiritual

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Speaker 1: practice for me that keeps me grounded. Something my church

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Speaker 1: did as well that I still do, even though I

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Speaker 1: don't believe in those believe in it anymore. Is when

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Speaker 1: you get paid before you spend, you have to give

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Speaker 1: back to others first, or when you get served, you

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Speaker 1: have to give the first piece of meat to somebody

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Speaker 1: else for I know, like in the Mormon Church, for example,

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Speaker 1: they encourage people to give ten percent of their earnings.

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Speaker 1: Some pagan traditions also have a similar thing of like

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Speaker 1: serving others first or giving to others before you give

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Speaker 1: to yourself. That's important for me, especially given the state

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Speaker 1: of the world right now, and just having a good

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Speaker 1: gratitude practice is so essential, Like hold tight to that stuff.

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Speaker 1: That's a big lesson. You need it. You need spiritual

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Speaker 1: practices to make you feel nourished. Similar to this, when

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Speaker 1: you are feeling terrible about the world, be kind to

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Speaker 1: small creatures. This is such an important lesson. Again, with

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Speaker 1: the state of the world right now, it's very easy

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Speaker 1: to feel very despondent, dah, it's very easy to feel

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Speaker 1: terrible about the world. I like to imagine that humanity

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Speaker 1: is this big experiment, and there is this higher power

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Speaker 1: who is judging our experiment on whether it was good

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Speaker 1: or bad and whether humanity is succeeding or failing. And

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Speaker 1: it's my job every single day to do something that

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Speaker 1: proves the experiment is working and to do something that

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Speaker 1: proves the hypothesis that humanity is good. And there is

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Speaker 1: just gonna sound a bit a bit weird, but I

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Speaker 1: imagine that there is this like tiny telescope or like

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Speaker 1: microscope on me, and they are watching me positively interact

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Speaker 1: or watching people positively interact with each other and checking

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Speaker 1: it down as evidence that people are good. And taking

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Speaker 1: care of small creatures, honoring their lives, appreciating them is

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Speaker 1: a way that I do that. Like life is hard

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Speaker 1: for little things, life is hard for small creatures. And

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Speaker 1: sometimes knowing that, like you know, not just killing the

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Speaker 1: answer that are in my house, or not just killing

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Speaker 1: the fly that's in my car, or stopping for birds

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Speaker 1: or saving a pigeon or something like that, knowing that,

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Speaker 1: like I have kindness for them makes me feel like

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Speaker 1: a higher power will have kindness for me. And I

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Speaker 1: don't know it, just it makes me feel connected to

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Speaker 1: what's around me. That's an important lesson. Let's a number eleven.

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Speaker 1: If there is an opportunity to go to the beach,

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Speaker 1: you should always go. The older you get, the more

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Speaker 1: you realize the healing power of water and the healing

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Speaker 1: power of nature. It's called the Lasser therapy. I'm a

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Speaker 1: big proponent, and I'm gonna say nothing more about that lesson.

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Speaker 1: I feel like that one's pretty obvious. Lets a number twelve.

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Speaker 1: Work hard at something, even if it feels meaningless, whatever

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Speaker 1: it is. Typically, I feel like we save all of

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Speaker 1: our hard work for others. I honestly think we save

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Speaker 1: all of our hard work for our boss, for our parents,

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Speaker 1: for our coworkers, for people we want to impress. Save

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Speaker 1: some of that hard work for you, and use it

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Speaker 1: for things that feel personally meaningful. There is so much

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Speaker 1: good that comes from working hard, even if at the

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Speaker 1: time it seems like there's no point or like nothing's

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Speaker 1: going to come from it. Working hard on a novel

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Speaker 1: no one's going to read. Working hard on improving your

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Speaker 1: running even though you're never going to be a professional,

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Speaker 1: working hard on perfecting a recipe just for yourself or

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Speaker 1: whatever it is, so much personal reward for me has

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Speaker 1: come from the joy I've just found from working hard

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Speaker 1: for things that I care about and at the time

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Speaker 1: were just fun. But you never know where it's going

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Speaker 1: to take you. This podcast is a great example, Like,

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Speaker 1: I didn't know this was going to happen. I just

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Speaker 1: liked working hard at it. And I just have a

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Speaker 1: deep belief that the universe or the forces that be

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Speaker 1: reward hard work and like to see passion. And so

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Speaker 1: when it sees somebody working hard proving that they will

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Speaker 1: work hard in the future for no reward, just for

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Speaker 1: joy and personal pursuit and personal passion, good things come

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Speaker 1: to those people because of those practices. It is a

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Speaker 1: reward in itself to care. But I also feel like

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Speaker 1: when you put yourself in the place where you do care,

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Speaker 1: people like to see other people who care, and they're

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Speaker 1: like to see people who are passionate about something, and

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Speaker 1: you'll find that opportunities come so much more naturally to you.

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Speaker 1: People rally around you when, yeah, when there's something bigger

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Speaker 1: than you that you're invested in and that you're willing

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Speaker 1: to work hard for. So if there's not something in

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Speaker 1: your life right now that you are working hard for,

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Speaker 1: even if it's only working hard for twenty minutes a week.

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Speaker 1: I really think your life would benefit from finding something

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Speaker 1: that you want to give that time to. Okay, number thirteen.

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Speaker 1: Lesson thirteen. This is a lesson that I didn't want

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Speaker 1: to look. I was hesitant to learn, but it was

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Speaker 1: too obvious to ignore. You're always going to feel better

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Speaker 1: if you don't go on your phone first thing in

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Speaker 1: the morning. Why was this? What did this take me

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Speaker 1: so long to learn? I don't know. Obviously, our phones

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00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,320
Speaker 1: are addictive. That feels like a cop out. That feels

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Speaker 1: like an excuse. There's all this buzz around like going

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Speaker 1: analogue and the digital detox and being social media free

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Speaker 1: and offline activities and having like really tried to be

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Speaker 1: in that space. It is really incredible. But if that

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Speaker 1: feels too big, I feel like this is the simplest thing,

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Speaker 1: you know. I tried to do the flip phone on weekends.

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Speaker 1: I tried to give myself social media boundaries. It worked

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Speaker 1: for a while. I think I went too big with it.

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Speaker 1: This is a great starting point. Just not going on

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Speaker 1: your phone first thing in the morning will change the

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Speaker 1: course of your entire day because the moment you put

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Speaker 1: that phone in front of your face it's like you're

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Speaker 1: immediately like sucked into someone else's world. You're immediately I

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Speaker 1: guess a little bit brain dead. To be honest, I'm

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Speaker 1: saying this is somebody who still does it occasionally. It's like,

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Speaker 1: if that's the first thing you look at, how you

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Speaker 1: expected to then go forward with the rest of your

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Speaker 1: day being curious or being entertained by the smaller things

383
00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,400
Speaker 1: or noticing things when it's like, it's like you're hooked

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Speaker 1: up to this like ivy drip of entertainment. So give

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Speaker 1: yourself at least twenty thirty minutes to just experience being

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Speaker 1: alive without a phone and without this thing that contains

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Speaker 1: the entire world inside of it. Yeah, at least the

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Speaker 1: first thing in the morning. I think you will notice

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Speaker 1: a difference. I definitely did. Okay, So lesson number fourteen.

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Speaker 1: Another really important one, but a little bit more serious.

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Speaker 1: Stop trying to be them, whoever them is to you.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't matter whether it's a celebrity, a friend, a nemesis,

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Speaker 1: a parent. Like, you'll never be successful when the goal

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Speaker 1: is imitation, and you will drive yourself mad trying to

395
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Speaker 1: correct and police and mold yourself into an identity that

396
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:11,600
Speaker 1: doesn't come naturally because it's not yours. I did this

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Speaker 1: for ages. I was so easily influenced because I guess

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Speaker 1: there's just something really alluring about people who seem to

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Speaker 1: know themselves and who have an identity or who have

400
00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:26,320
Speaker 1: a brand, who have a distinct thing to them that's attractive.

401
00:23:26,359 --> 00:23:30,800
Speaker 1: When I didn't have that, guess what, by trying to

402
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:33,200
Speaker 1: imitate them, by trying to be them, I actually knew

403
00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:36,639
Speaker 1: myself less because I would constantly compare the beginning of

404
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:39,960
Speaker 1: my own new self and my own identity to their

405
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Speaker 1: complete one. Guys, it's so cliche, I know, but I

406
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Speaker 1: fully believe. I fully believe there is a unique version

407
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Speaker 1: of us. We are all here to be a unique avatar,

408
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:55,959
Speaker 1: and we are all meant to be individual, and we're

409
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,479
Speaker 1: meant to grow in a specific way, and we are

410
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:01,040
Speaker 1: meant to exist in a specific form and live a

411
00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:05,080
Speaker 1: specific life. And imitation is one of the main things

412
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Speaker 1: that's gonna block us, and that's going to stop us

413
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Speaker 1: from living out our mission and living out our identity

414
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Speaker 1: and living out our role in the world. And I

415
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:20,159
Speaker 1: know this episode is getting so woo woo, but just

416
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Speaker 1: notice it in yourself. There is there is an an identity.

417
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Speaker 1: There is a version of you that you're you just

418
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Speaker 1: feel constantly drawn to and drawn back to and drawn into,

419
00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:33,680
Speaker 1: and it's like such a powerful force. Stop trying to

420
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Speaker 1: suppress that. Stop putting imitation in between you and that

421
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:41,160
Speaker 1: version of you, that new version of you. Okay, Lesson

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Speaker 1: number fifteen. Sometimes you are the bad day and you

423
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Speaker 1: need to call yourself on it. This is probably the

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Speaker 1: most recent lesson on the list. Probably a lesson I

425
00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:58,239
Speaker 1: only learned a couple of weeks ago, if I'm being

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Speaker 1: completely honest, kill a day I had. I said this

427
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:06,800
Speaker 1: terrible day the other day, and my boyfriend was snoring.

428
00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:10,119
Speaker 1: I love him, but so I don't know what he

429
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:14,679
Speaker 1: like turned twenty seven and suddenly like nasal congestion is

430
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:17,920
Speaker 1: his middle name. I love you Tom, but hopefully he

431
00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:20,240
Speaker 1: doesn't need that. But he was snoring, And so I

432
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:22,760
Speaker 1: had a really bad night's sleep. And then I went

433
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:25,000
Speaker 1: to like transfer money onto my UK card and it

434
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,920
Speaker 1: wasn't working. And then I went and got a bagel

435
00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:30,679
Speaker 1: at the like the corner store, and my bagel like

436
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:33,600
Speaker 1: fell apart on the street, and this little dog came

437
00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:37,560
Speaker 1: up in like eight tuna from my tuna bagel, like

438
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:41,520
Speaker 1: from where it was on the floor. And then I

439
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:44,480
Speaker 1: went to meet my friend. I was running late and

440
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:46,159
Speaker 1: I couldn't get a line bike, and then when I

441
00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:49,000
Speaker 1: got a line bike, it was broken. And I was like,

442
00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:51,080
Speaker 1: this day just sucks. And I was in such a

443
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:53,800
Speaker 1: terrible mood and I was so angry, and I was

444
00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:55,639
Speaker 1: like what did I do to deserve this? Like this

445
00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:59,440
Speaker 1: is just such a terrible day. And then I was like, yeah,

446
00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:02,680
Speaker 1: but I'm being bad day, Like all those things are annoying,

447
00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:06,160
Speaker 1: but what's really the problem here? Oh, like how terrible

448
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:08,119
Speaker 1: the man that I love, who loves me, who is

449
00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:11,000
Speaker 1: like the most glorious, beautiful person I've ever met, Like

450
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:15,120
Speaker 1: he snores and that disturbs my sleep, and like, oh,

451
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:17,680
Speaker 1: I have enough money in my bank account to transfer

452
00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:20,600
Speaker 1: it onto my British card because I had enough privilege

453
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:23,760
Speaker 1: to move overseas. And oh, the bagel that I could

454
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:26,480
Speaker 1: afford getting it takeaway rather than having to make it

455
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:29,719
Speaker 1: at home, fell on the street, and this I got

456
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:32,400
Speaker 1: to meet a dog who was eating my bagel, and like, oh,

457
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:35,520
Speaker 1: my friends, I've my friend who has made plans with

458
00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:37,359
Speaker 1: me I'm late to and like where was me? And

459
00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:39,160
Speaker 1: I was just like I'm the bad day right now,

460
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:42,840
Speaker 1: Like I'm reading way too much into this and I

461
00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:47,840
Speaker 1: am investing too much in my identity here as a victim,

462
00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:51,440
Speaker 1: when actually, like all of those things that I've experienced

463
00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:53,720
Speaker 1: that I thought were like the worst things that were

464
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:56,240
Speaker 1: going to happen to me that day are just like

465
00:26:56,400 --> 00:27:00,600
Speaker 1: privileges and are just wonderful things that I don't know

466
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:04,320
Speaker 1: people would kill to have those inconveniences. So just recognize

467
00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:06,960
Speaker 1: when you're ruining your own day and just try and

468
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:10,680
Speaker 1: pour yourself out of it. Number sixteen another quick one.

469
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:15,800
Speaker 1: Take your medications regularly and as scheduled, and that goes

470
00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:23,159
Speaker 1: for antibiotics, any depressants, panetal pain relief, anything prescribed to

471
00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:29,160
Speaker 1: you by a doctor. Listen to them. And bonus sixteen

472
00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:33,439
Speaker 1: point two. Just go to the dentist. Go to the dentist.

473
00:27:34,359 --> 00:27:36,200
Speaker 1: You know you need to. I put off going to

474
00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:38,640
Speaker 1: the dentist for six years, and I'm ashamed to admit that,

475
00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:41,719
Speaker 1: but it's because the last time I went, it really

476
00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:44,560
Speaker 1: hurt and I was really scared. And guess what. Guess

477
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:47,119
Speaker 1: what that got me when I went last year seven

478
00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:49,800
Speaker 1: fillings three thousand dollars worth of dental work that could

479
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:52,480
Speaker 1: have been avoided if I just went more regularly. The

480
00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:54,640
Speaker 1: older you get, the more you stop taking your health

481
00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:56,880
Speaker 1: for granted, and the more you realize that there are

482
00:27:57,160 --> 00:28:01,320
Speaker 1: people who train for many, many years to be experts

483
00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:04,359
Speaker 1: in this and to know what they're doing. Listen to

484
00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:08,040
Speaker 1: them and take care of yourself. Take your medal scheduled,

485
00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:12,000
Speaker 1: go to the dentist seventeen. When somebody is mean to

486
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:16,480
Speaker 1: you or short with you, the best defense, and the

487
00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:18,680
Speaker 1: only to the defense that will work in your favor,

488
00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:23,360
Speaker 1: is to be disgustingly kind back. And I learned this

489
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:26,960
Speaker 1: through trial and error. But when people were like used

490
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:28,680
Speaker 1: to be mean to me, or you know, when people

491
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,360
Speaker 1: make those slight jabs, like they're trying to get under

492
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:33,520
Speaker 1: your skin and they think you don't notice, and they're

493
00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:36,320
Speaker 1: trying to like bring you down a peg, I used

494
00:28:36,359 --> 00:28:38,880
Speaker 1: to get quite. I wouldn't say mad, but I would

495
00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:41,680
Speaker 1: just I would have a certain reaction, like I would

496
00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:44,040
Speaker 1: either avoid them, or like I would try and be

497
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:48,160
Speaker 1: smart back, or I would like try and make other

498
00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:51,520
Speaker 1: people realize what kind of person they were. And then

499
00:28:51,560 --> 00:28:53,720
Speaker 1: I just realized the best thing that you can do.

500
00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:56,360
Speaker 1: And I talked about this in our episode on how

501
00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:59,280
Speaker 1: to not take things personally, it's just to be so

502
00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:04,520
Speaker 1: nice and so kind and so generous and so forgiving

503
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:08,840
Speaker 1: with them that they have like no choice, but just

504
00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:11,880
Speaker 1: to have this mirror placed in front of them that

505
00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:15,560
Speaker 1: makes them directly see how weird and gross and terrible

506
00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:19,240
Speaker 1: their behavior is. This doesn't mean permissive. I don't mean

507
00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:21,200
Speaker 1: you have to continue to let them in your life

508
00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:24,160
Speaker 1: and continue to let them are all over you and

509
00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:28,040
Speaker 1: continue to give in to them. Be kind, be nice,

510
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:32,880
Speaker 1: still set boundaries, but it is genuinely, like one of

511
00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:36,000
Speaker 1: the most powerful things that we can do psychologically to

512
00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:43,040
Speaker 1: just cut cut someone's cruelty off and to just essentially

513
00:29:43,520 --> 00:29:46,840
Speaker 1: stop them from yeah, thinking that they can treat you

514
00:29:46,880 --> 00:29:50,240
Speaker 1: that way and thinking that their behavior isn't a problem.

515
00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:55,680
Speaker 1: Number eighteen, You don't need to help everybody. I know that.

516
00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:58,160
Speaker 1: Like a lot of these tips have been like, be kind,

517
00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:02,520
Speaker 1: be generous, be nice, forgive, be a good friend. Some

518
00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:05,880
Speaker 1: people just don't deserve that. Some people just don't deserve

519
00:30:05,880 --> 00:30:09,120
Speaker 1: your help. And part of being a good friend, part

520
00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:11,960
Speaker 1: of being a good member of the village, member of

521
00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:16,160
Speaker 1: the tribe, the community that you're in, is knowing that

522
00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:22,160
Speaker 1: you can't give everybody everything that you have, and one

523
00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:25,240
Speaker 1: of the most generous things that you can do is

524
00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:27,760
Speaker 1: to take care of yourself first so that you can

525
00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:31,240
Speaker 1: show up for the people who really deserve you, rather

526
00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:34,960
Speaker 1: than doing favors for everybody, you know, putting yourself out

527
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:38,840
Speaker 1: there for everybody, saying yes to everybody to the point

528
00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:41,200
Speaker 1: of exhaustion, and when the time really comes to be

529
00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:44,000
Speaker 1: there for those who would do the same things back

530
00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:48,320
Speaker 1: for you being so burnt out that you're not able

531
00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:51,160
Speaker 1: to do that. And I feel like this is a

532
00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:55,520
Speaker 1: very specific lesson that you learn in specific circumstances, especially

533
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:58,760
Speaker 1: if you are very hyper independent, especially if you are

534
00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:02,800
Speaker 1: an elder daughter or an eldest daughter high achiever type.

535
00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:05,480
Speaker 1: Eventually you learn that there are some people who just

536
00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:07,680
Speaker 1: don't need your help, not because they don't deserve help

537
00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:10,800
Speaker 1: from anybody, but because you and your energy and your

538
00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:14,160
Speaker 1: time is a precious resource. Similar to this is less

539
00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:19,160
Speaker 1: number nineteen. Trust your gut when to say no, when

540
00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:21,640
Speaker 1: to not go to the party, when to not help

541
00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:25,760
Speaker 1: your friend with some crazy idea they have. Obviously, like

542
00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:27,360
Speaker 1: you want to be a good friend and you want

543
00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:28,760
Speaker 1: to give back, but there are just some things where

544
00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:30,280
Speaker 1: you're allowed to just be like, I don't have time

545
00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:34,240
Speaker 1: for that, And especially when it's for people who would

546
00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:37,720
Speaker 1: never do the same thing for you in return and

547
00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:44,120
Speaker 1: who you resent constantly for not returning the favor, that

548
00:31:44,280 --> 00:31:47,000
Speaker 1: is a sign that like they're taking advantage, and it's

549
00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:50,120
Speaker 1: okay to just it's okay to just take a step

550
00:31:50,160 --> 00:31:53,880
Speaker 1: back and to not give them everything you've got and

551
00:31:53,960 --> 00:32:03,480
Speaker 1: to say no less than number twenty. You do actually

552
00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:10,800
Speaker 1: feel better when you exercise more and drink less, which sucks. See,

553
00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:13,800
Speaker 1: I like alcol I like I like alcohol. I do.

554
00:32:14,000 --> 00:32:18,320
Speaker 1: I like alcohol. I also I like I like exercising,

555
00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:20,880
Speaker 1: but I wish I didn't have to do them as

556
00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:22,960
Speaker 1: much as I do, or I wish I wish that,

557
00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:26,120
Speaker 1: like I could go to the gym like once a

558
00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:28,880
Speaker 1: week and drink every night and feel amazing and it's

559
00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:31,960
Speaker 1: just not how your body is. Right when I was

560
00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:34,200
Speaker 1: definitely when I was younger, when I was like seventeen

561
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:38,120
Speaker 1: eighteen nineteen and I was at university, I would like

562
00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:40,280
Speaker 1: we would we were like binge drinking. We were like

563
00:32:40,360 --> 00:32:44,320
Speaker 1: drinking every single night and nobody was blinking an eye

564
00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:47,120
Speaker 1: and we would like go on like one five k

565
00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:49,880
Speaker 1: run or like play some like frisbee once a week,

566
00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:52,760
Speaker 1: and I remember being like, oh, why do I feel

567
00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:55,320
Speaker 1: so tired? And like why am I exhausted all the time?

568
00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:58,600
Speaker 1: And why do I feel disgusting? And then slowly, like

569
00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:02,560
Speaker 1: as those habits became more and more difficult to maintain

570
00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:05,239
Speaker 1: and more and more repulsive, and you start adding some

571
00:33:05,280 --> 00:33:07,800
Speaker 1: exercise back in, and you start realizing that drinking every

572
00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:10,479
Speaker 1: drinking on a Monday with your powers is probably not healthy.

573
00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:15,760
Speaker 1: I was like, Wow, I actually feel better, and my

574
00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:20,240
Speaker 1: habits do are a reflection of the quality of life

575
00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:22,920
Speaker 1: that I want and how I want to live my life.

576
00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:27,520
Speaker 1: So that's definitely been an important lesson, one that I

577
00:33:27,560 --> 00:33:31,520
Speaker 1: wish wasn't true, but unfortunately is. You do feel a

578
00:33:31,560 --> 00:33:34,680
Speaker 1: lot better to go on a completely different direction here

579
00:33:34,840 --> 00:33:38,480
Speaker 1: less than twenty one wait twenty four hours before making

580
00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:41,800
Speaker 1: an impulse purchase. I feel like these are all tips

581
00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:45,840
Speaker 1: of just like learning impulse control and learning what it

582
00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:50,240
Speaker 1: means to be healthy financially, emotionally, physically. I had a

583
00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:54,280
Speaker 1: real impulse shopping problem when I was probably like twenty

584
00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:56,800
Speaker 1: two twenty three in my early twenties, when I first

585
00:33:56,840 --> 00:34:00,160
Speaker 1: got like a proper job, and I would just buy

586
00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:04,480
Speaker 1: the most ridiculous stuff because I would see it, think

587
00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:07,560
Speaker 1: I needed it, and because I now had access to

588
00:34:07,680 --> 00:34:11,239
Speaker 1: adult money, I could just buy it and genuinely like,

589
00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:14,800
Speaker 1: I think about how much money I wasted on multiple

590
00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:18,600
Speaker 1: pairs of black jeans or just like silly things that

591
00:34:18,640 --> 00:34:23,600
Speaker 1: nobody needs. Now, this was the best thing I did

592
00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:26,200
Speaker 1: for all the impulse shopping tips that you may get,

593
00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:28,759
Speaker 1: for all the budgeting tips. If there is something I

594
00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:33,360
Speaker 1: want and I feel like I immediately need it twenty four hours,

595
00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:36,200
Speaker 1: twenty four hours before I can make the decision, and

596
00:34:36,239 --> 00:34:37,880
Speaker 1: I think I've spoken about this before, I have a

597
00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:41,319
Speaker 1: list in my phone. Often by the time I get

598
00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:43,040
Speaker 1: to that twenty four hour mark, I've forgotten about it,

599
00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:46,880
Speaker 1: and like the haze of like the emotional pool of

600
00:34:47,560 --> 00:34:50,640
Speaker 1: dopamine of buying something and getting it livid, and like

601
00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:53,239
Speaker 1: that kind of fades a little bit and I can

602
00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:57,280
Speaker 1: kind of self regulate. I also feel like impulse shopping, drinking,

603
00:34:57,480 --> 00:35:00,520
Speaker 1: saying yes to everybody, those last three tips. Often those

604
00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:04,080
Speaker 1: are forms of avoidance. I've definitely found that, and so

605
00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:09,400
Speaker 1: learning how to regulate your emotions without those things. The

606
00:35:09,480 --> 00:35:12,759
Speaker 1: older you get, the more important that becomes less than

607
00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:20,600
Speaker 1: twenty two talk to your siblings more. Honestly, I found

608
00:35:20,680 --> 00:35:23,640
Speaker 1: that because me and my sisters had such an age difference,

609
00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:27,080
Speaker 1: and because I moved out when they were so young,

610
00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:31,360
Speaker 1: like I think they were like twelve and ten, like

611
00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:34,600
Speaker 1: they were still children. I don't even have like memories

612
00:35:34,640 --> 00:35:37,880
Speaker 1: from when I was ten. I just didn't form the

613
00:35:37,960 --> 00:35:40,160
Speaker 1: relationship with them that they form with each other. And

614
00:35:40,600 --> 00:35:43,800
Speaker 1: I was very very jealous of that for a long time,

615
00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:47,239
Speaker 1: and it definitely was reflected in like my relationship with them,

616
00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:50,120
Speaker 1: where I would I just felt very left out, and

617
00:35:50,160 --> 00:35:51,920
Speaker 1: that felt weak because I was the older. I was

618
00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:54,239
Speaker 1: the older sibling, like I meant to be the cool one,

619
00:35:54,239 --> 00:35:56,040
Speaker 1: and I would go back and they wouldn't really want

620
00:35:56,040 --> 00:35:59,480
Speaker 1: anything to do with me. And for a couple of years,

621
00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:01,239
Speaker 1: I was like, well, I'm just gonna hang out with

622
00:36:01,239 --> 00:36:03,920
Speaker 1: my friends, and I didn't really have a relationship with

623
00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:08,640
Speaker 1: my sisters. And then I think last year I really

624
00:36:08,680 --> 00:36:11,920
Speaker 1: started seeing them more and I started realizing what an

625
00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:17,120
Speaker 1: important relationship the sibling relationship is, and how they are

626
00:36:17,160 --> 00:36:22,360
Speaker 1: just like an inbuilt, amazing, cool best friend and just

627
00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:27,120
Speaker 1: the you just relate to them on such a beautiful, simplistic,

628
00:36:27,600 --> 00:36:30,919
Speaker 1: care free level, and I think I started to really

629
00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:35,080
Speaker 1: appreciate like my sister's personalities and all the things about

630
00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:37,759
Speaker 1: them that are so cool and that I love. And

631
00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:39,520
Speaker 1: now I talk to them all the time, and that

632
00:36:39,560 --> 00:36:42,520
Speaker 1: has been a huge, huge blessing for me, and like

633
00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:46,239
Speaker 1: just a huge, a huge gain in the past year.

634
00:36:46,560 --> 00:36:48,879
Speaker 1: So if I was to go back three years, I'd

635
00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:52,239
Speaker 1: be like freaking call them, call them on the weekends,

636
00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:59,120
Speaker 1: like text them, have a relationship. I regret not investing

637
00:36:59,160 --> 00:37:01,719
Speaker 1: in that sooner, and I feel like I missed a

638
00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:05,319
Speaker 1: lot of their teen years trying to figure out my

639
00:37:06,160 --> 00:37:09,160
Speaker 1: late teen years and my early twenties and being really

640
00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:11,920
Speaker 1: selfish with it. And now I feel like I've orbited

641
00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:14,400
Speaker 1: back around right as they are orbiting out, And I

642
00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:17,560
Speaker 1: just hope that our relationship stays strong within that because

643
00:37:17,600 --> 00:37:20,440
Speaker 1: it is just such a beautiful, one of a kind,

644
00:37:20,560 --> 00:37:27,640
Speaker 1: special relationship. Less than twenty three. Celebrate yourself. Don't be

645
00:37:27,760 --> 00:37:30,360
Speaker 1: afraid to make a big deal out of the things

646
00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:33,239
Speaker 1: that you're proud of, even if nobody else is going

647
00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:35,840
Speaker 1: to do it for you. Throw the birthday party for yourself,

648
00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:38,440
Speaker 1: organize the dinner with your friends for your job promotion,

649
00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:41,680
Speaker 1: make a big deal out of what feels like a

650
00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:44,279
Speaker 1: big deal for you. Think all my children, we're so

651
00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:47,360
Speaker 1: used to our parents being so in our business or

652
00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:49,920
Speaker 1: like our school or whatever. It is, like mental aunts,

653
00:37:49,960 --> 00:37:54,400
Speaker 1: grandparents celebrating us. And then you get older and you realize, like,

654
00:37:55,239 --> 00:37:58,160
Speaker 1: sometimes you've got to do that for yourself, and people

655
00:37:58,560 --> 00:38:00,760
Speaker 1: want an excuse to party people. I want an excuse

656
00:38:00,800 --> 00:38:03,719
Speaker 1: to be excited for you. I would alway feel little

657
00:38:03,719 --> 00:38:05,480
Speaker 1: bit cringe being like, oh, I'm going to plan like

658
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:08,080
Speaker 1: a birthday party, or like I'm gonna plan like I

659
00:38:08,200 --> 00:38:10,439
Speaker 1: want to celebrate this I and now I don't feel

660
00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:14,040
Speaker 1: any shame about it. And having that space to invite

661
00:38:14,080 --> 00:38:16,880
Speaker 1: people into my memories and knowing that I'm going to

662
00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:18,960
Speaker 1: look back at those really cool things and they're going

663
00:38:19,000 --> 00:38:22,080
Speaker 1: to be in those memories with me. That is so

664
00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:24,720
Speaker 1: important and that is so valuable. And I just feel

665
00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:28,279
Speaker 1: like celebrating yourself. We don't do it enough, and we

666
00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:30,800
Speaker 1: don't make a big deal out of what a pleasure

667
00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:33,799
Speaker 1: and a surprise and a beautiful thing it is to

668
00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:36,640
Speaker 1: be alive. And the fact that we work really hard

669
00:38:36,719 --> 00:38:39,719
Speaker 1: and we do really cool things, things that younger you

670
00:38:39,760 --> 00:38:42,560
Speaker 1: could not have imagined you doing. You were allowed to

671
00:38:42,680 --> 00:38:46,080
Speaker 1: just be your biggest fan and your biggest cheerleader, and

672
00:38:46,880 --> 00:38:49,799
Speaker 1: make the space for other people to enter into that

673
00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:52,560
Speaker 1: with you if they want to, and if they don't,

674
00:38:52,600 --> 00:38:55,520
Speaker 1: that's okay. You get more cake, you get more champagne,

675
00:38:55,520 --> 00:38:58,200
Speaker 1: you get more flowers. Make sure you make your big

676
00:38:58,239 --> 00:39:03,200
Speaker 1: moments big for yourself less than twenty four. You can

677
00:39:03,239 --> 00:39:07,440
Speaker 1: truly diii your dream life if you just commit to

678
00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:10,279
Speaker 1: learning how to do things for yourself and learning how

679
00:39:10,280 --> 00:39:14,839
Speaker 1: to do them badly, then a bit better, then good,

680
00:39:14,920 --> 00:39:18,360
Speaker 1: then amazingly. This is like the hack. This is the

681
00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:21,319
Speaker 1: life hack that everybody needs to know. If you want

682
00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:24,640
Speaker 1: to do something. Oh my god, I'm this sounds stupid

683
00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:25,840
Speaker 1: now that I'm saying it, but if you want to

684
00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:27,880
Speaker 1: do something, you should just do it, and you should

685
00:39:27,920 --> 00:39:31,960
Speaker 1: just do it as simply and easily as you can

686
00:39:32,440 --> 00:39:36,400
Speaker 1: possibly do at that point and then get better. Everybody

687
00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:39,160
Speaker 1: I know who is really successful and who I really admire,

688
00:39:39,239 --> 00:39:43,319
Speaker 1: who I now get to call my friends, just went

689
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:46,400
Speaker 1: into it with this like do it myself attitude of

690
00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:49,920
Speaker 1: being like, nobody's going to hand this to me, nobody's

691
00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:52,280
Speaker 1: going to give me the keys to the life I want,

692
00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:56,000
Speaker 1: nobody's going to build the home I want for myself

693
00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:58,080
Speaker 1: or the career I want for myself, I have to

694
00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:00,360
Speaker 1: do it myself. And now I have to like be

695
00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:03,000
Speaker 1: in those meetings, and I have to be in those

696
00:40:03,040 --> 00:40:05,200
Speaker 1: emails called emailing somebody to see if they have an

697
00:40:05,200 --> 00:40:07,680
Speaker 1: opportunity for me. And I need to be creating my

698
00:40:07,719 --> 00:40:10,320
Speaker 1: own product, creating my own business, creating my own podcast,

699
00:40:11,000 --> 00:40:12,719
Speaker 1: and the universe will reward that. And I think it's

700
00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:15,560
Speaker 1: similar to that previous tip of like, do things just

701
00:40:15,600 --> 00:40:19,360
Speaker 1: for the sake of it, experience hard effort just because

702
00:40:19,400 --> 00:40:23,319
Speaker 1: hard effort is enjoyable for you when you're doing something

703
00:40:23,360 --> 00:40:26,120
Speaker 1: you care about. This is very similar to this. When

704
00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:28,840
Speaker 1: you truly realize that you can diy do it yourself,

705
00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:33,080
Speaker 1: make it from scratch your dream life in the most

706
00:40:33,160 --> 00:40:37,360
Speaker 1: rudimentary way possible, in whatever using whatever tools you have possible,

707
00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:41,920
Speaker 1: your life seriously changes. And I don't like bragging, but

708
00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:44,200
Speaker 1: I do feel like there's points in my like my

709
00:40:44,239 --> 00:40:46,920
Speaker 1: life is kind of evidence of that where I don't know,

710
00:40:46,920 --> 00:40:48,680
Speaker 1: I just didn't see a job for me. I didn't

711
00:40:48,719 --> 00:40:50,720
Speaker 1: see a system that I enjoyed, and I was like, Okay,

712
00:40:50,760 --> 00:40:52,879
Speaker 1: well I'll just make it myself and if it works

713
00:40:52,920 --> 00:40:56,359
Speaker 1: out great, amazing. Obviously that's what I want, and if

714
00:40:56,400 --> 00:40:59,000
Speaker 1: it doesn't, at least I can say that I did it.

715
00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:01,520
Speaker 1: At least I know that the opportunity wasn't out there

716
00:41:02,120 --> 00:41:04,560
Speaker 1: waiting for me to arrive, waiting for me to get

717
00:41:04,560 --> 00:41:07,080
Speaker 1: to the point where I was ready less than twenty five.

718
00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:09,840
Speaker 1: I actually think this one should have been before. But

719
00:41:10,520 --> 00:41:13,640
Speaker 1: I'm sneaking it in at the end twenty five. Not

720
00:41:13,760 --> 00:41:18,280
Speaker 1: every person you date is your soulmate, and it doesn't

721
00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:23,480
Speaker 1: mean the relationship wasn't worth worthwhile. Additionally, when you were

722
00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:27,360
Speaker 1: in your twenties, date as much as possible. I feel

723
00:41:27,400 --> 00:41:31,040
Speaker 1: like I've learnt this, both through myself and through other

724
00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:34,759
Speaker 1: people I've seen who have dated one person have been like, Okay, cool,

725
00:41:34,760 --> 00:41:37,839
Speaker 1: that seems like good enough, and then seven eight years

726
00:41:37,880 --> 00:41:40,520
Speaker 1: later been like, oh my god, I actually never got

727
00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:44,279
Speaker 1: to experience what else was out there. And I know

728
00:41:44,400 --> 00:41:48,160
Speaker 1: not everybody agrees with this, and people have different perspectives

729
00:41:48,160 --> 00:41:51,200
Speaker 1: on it, but as much as my heart was broken

730
00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:54,319
Speaker 1: many times, and I was literally reflecting on this the

731
00:41:54,360 --> 00:41:56,960
Speaker 1: other day, like all these guys, I completely forgot about it,

732
00:41:56,960 --> 00:41:59,319
Speaker 1: and it's much as like it really hurt to be

733
00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:02,479
Speaker 1: hurt by them and to be rejected by them. I'm

734
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:05,600
Speaker 1: so glad I did it, and they all taught me

735
00:42:05,640 --> 00:42:10,279
Speaker 1: important lessons. And every single relationship that I've had, even

736
00:42:10,320 --> 00:42:14,040
Speaker 1: the ones that were a disaster, have been worthwhile because

737
00:42:14,040 --> 00:42:17,799
Speaker 1: they brought me experiences that I otherwise would have had

738
00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:23,960
Speaker 1: a lot of what ifs swirling around. I know again,

739
00:42:24,080 --> 00:42:25,839
Speaker 1: I feel weird saying this because I know people might

740
00:42:25,840 --> 00:42:27,360
Speaker 1: take it the wrong way of like just date for

741
00:42:27,360 --> 00:42:30,759
Speaker 1: the sake of dating, and like use other people for experience. No,

742
00:42:30,920 --> 00:42:33,920
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, put yourself out there, and even if

743
00:42:33,960 --> 00:42:36,279
Speaker 1: you're not entirely sure if this person is or isn't

744
00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:40,799
Speaker 1: the one, give them a chance, have fun, experience each other,

745
00:42:40,880 --> 00:42:44,120
Speaker 1: experience life together, even if that's for two weeks, two years,

746
00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:48,280
Speaker 1: twenty years, and take the experiences you can get from

747
00:42:48,920 --> 00:42:52,839
Speaker 1: really caring about somebody else, really having important memories with them,

748
00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:55,440
Speaker 1: even if you know it's not going to be forever.

749
00:42:57,080 --> 00:43:00,719
Speaker 1: I have two final lessons, a silly one and a

750
00:43:00,760 --> 00:43:04,920
Speaker 1: serious one. Let's start with this silly one. Dye your

751
00:43:04,920 --> 00:43:08,560
Speaker 1: hair at least once in your life. Try a weird hairstyle,

752
00:43:09,480 --> 00:43:11,040
Speaker 1: even if you think slash nov that it's going to

753
00:43:11,080 --> 00:43:16,439
Speaker 1: be ugly. I cannot recommend this enough. I have dyed

754
00:43:16,440 --> 00:43:19,920
Speaker 1: my hair black. That was a terrible decision. I have

755
00:43:20,280 --> 00:43:22,600
Speaker 1: dyed my I've bleached my hair more times than I

756
00:43:22,640 --> 00:43:26,719
Speaker 1: can think of, and it was often related to how

757
00:43:26,760 --> 00:43:29,319
Speaker 1: I was emotionally doing at that point. But like, I

758
00:43:29,400 --> 00:43:32,959
Speaker 1: have just done the craziest, stupidest things to my hair,

759
00:43:33,320 --> 00:43:35,520
Speaker 1: and I think, I don't know. I think it's fun,

760
00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:38,359
Speaker 1: and I think it's like a broader metaphor for like

761
00:43:38,480 --> 00:43:42,040
Speaker 1: just being willing to try anything once in life and

762
00:43:42,120 --> 00:43:43,719
Speaker 1: just to give it, just to give it a go.

763
00:43:45,440 --> 00:43:47,160
Speaker 1: It's a great reflection of that. And I think if

764
00:43:47,200 --> 00:43:49,400
Speaker 1: you haven't done it, you've got to do it. And

765
00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:51,759
Speaker 1: when I did it last I haven't dyed my hair

766
00:43:51,800 --> 00:43:54,400
Speaker 1: for a while, but I dyed my hair black in

767
00:43:54,440 --> 00:43:57,440
Speaker 1: like twenty twenty three. I'm blonde. It was a terrible decision.

768
00:43:58,400 --> 00:44:02,400
Speaker 1: I really look terrible. I'm glad nobody said something, but

769
00:44:02,440 --> 00:44:06,920
Speaker 1: I really slash. I'm not glad. I'm still on the

770
00:44:06,920 --> 00:44:08,760
Speaker 1: fence as to whether somebody should have pulled me aside

771
00:44:08,760 --> 00:44:10,920
Speaker 1: and be like this is not the color for you,

772
00:44:11,920 --> 00:44:15,239
Speaker 1: that there's just like this unique beauty and like this

773
00:44:15,360 --> 00:44:18,919
Speaker 1: unique feeling of looking back at those photos and being like, God,

774
00:44:18,920 --> 00:44:21,879
Speaker 1: that was a terrible hair color. God, that was like

775
00:44:22,000 --> 00:44:25,560
Speaker 1: an awful style. But I'm so glad. I'm so glad

776
00:44:25,560 --> 00:44:27,600
Speaker 1: that I did it. I'm so glad that I gave

777
00:44:27,640 --> 00:44:29,720
Speaker 1: it a shot. And now when I have kids, hopefully

778
00:44:29,719 --> 00:44:31,759
Speaker 1: I can be like, yeah, that was the that was

779
00:44:31,800 --> 00:44:33,400
Speaker 1: the year of this. So that was the year of that.

780
00:44:33,440 --> 00:44:36,360
Speaker 1: And it just feels like hairstyle and that expression and

781
00:44:36,400 --> 00:44:38,760
Speaker 1: doing everything once is really tied to a good story,

782
00:44:39,040 --> 00:44:41,360
Speaker 1: and it's tied to having good memories and having that

783
00:44:41,480 --> 00:44:45,319
Speaker 1: kind of free fall openness to life that feels more

784
00:44:45,360 --> 00:44:55,200
Speaker 1: and more worthwhile every single year. So I'm realizing I'm

785
00:44:55,200 --> 00:44:59,239
Speaker 1: actually going to finish on less than twenty seven, which

786
00:44:59,280 --> 00:45:02,600
Speaker 1: is one more than I promise to you. But I

787
00:45:02,640 --> 00:45:08,680
Speaker 1: think this is my hopeful takeaway from next year and

788
00:45:08,719 --> 00:45:12,600
Speaker 1: the thing I'm currently learning, which is you don't have

789
00:45:12,680 --> 00:45:17,520
Speaker 1: to suffer. And I know that that's really it's very

790
00:45:17,600 --> 00:45:24,920
Speaker 1: serious compared to our last last lesson, But I think

791
00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:28,040
Speaker 1: I just spent way too long thinking that how my

792
00:45:28,160 --> 00:45:32,239
Speaker 1: brain was and how my life was was something I

793
00:45:32,280 --> 00:45:35,600
Speaker 1: couldn't change, and the things I kept doing that were

794
00:45:37,080 --> 00:45:42,000
Speaker 1: honestly self sabotaging and that were causing me more pain

795
00:45:42,040 --> 00:45:45,480
Speaker 1: than they should have, and that we're making me unhealthy

796
00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:49,240
Speaker 1: and unhappy, like I felt so imprisoned by them because

797
00:45:49,280 --> 00:45:52,680
Speaker 1: that's how I'd always done things. And I'm just realizing

798
00:45:52,719 --> 00:45:56,680
Speaker 1: more and more like my life doesn't have to be bad.

799
00:45:57,320 --> 00:46:00,720
Speaker 1: I don't have to suffer more than what I'm already

800
00:46:00,760 --> 00:46:04,719
Speaker 1: going to naturally suffer just by being alive. And I

801
00:46:04,760 --> 00:46:07,480
Speaker 1: have a choice in a lot of that. I have

802
00:46:07,520 --> 00:46:10,520
Speaker 1: a choice to go to therapy. I have a choice

803
00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:15,760
Speaker 1: to get on medication. I have a choice to change

804
00:46:15,800 --> 00:46:18,880
Speaker 1: my mindset to have healthier habits. I have a choice

805
00:46:18,920 --> 00:46:23,880
Speaker 1: to prioritize and deprioritize relationships and certain things in my

806
00:46:23,920 --> 00:46:27,000
Speaker 1: life that are making my life harder. And I just

807
00:46:27,080 --> 00:46:30,880
Speaker 1: felt for so long like everything was just being handed

808
00:46:30,880 --> 00:46:34,400
Speaker 1: to me and I had to accept it. And maybe

809
00:46:34,480 --> 00:46:37,080
Speaker 1: the biggest lesson for my twenty six year and hopefully

810
00:46:37,080 --> 00:46:40,760
Speaker 1: again my twenty seventh year is that that is not true,

811
00:46:41,000 --> 00:46:44,600
Speaker 1: and I can opt out of the circumstances and the

812
00:46:44,640 --> 00:46:47,600
Speaker 1: things and the patterns of behavior that are making me

813
00:46:47,640 --> 00:46:51,200
Speaker 1: suffer and that I don't want anymore. And it's hard,

814
00:46:51,360 --> 00:46:54,040
Speaker 1: and it's difficult, and I definitely make a lot of excuses,

815
00:46:55,200 --> 00:46:57,799
Speaker 1: but I'm at this point where I'm like, I want

816
00:46:57,840 --> 00:47:01,200
Speaker 1: to live a life of ease, and I want to

817
00:47:01,239 --> 00:47:04,439
Speaker 1: live a life of being as carefree and stress free

818
00:47:04,440 --> 00:47:09,279
Speaker 1: as possible, not as busy and successful and brash and

819
00:47:09,320 --> 00:47:12,240
Speaker 1: loud as possible. And I just think that's been a huge,

820
00:47:12,640 --> 00:47:16,440
Speaker 1: massive priority change. And maybe that's a lesson that you're

821
00:47:16,520 --> 00:47:18,759
Speaker 1: learning as well, or that's a lesson that you need

822
00:47:18,800 --> 00:47:22,600
Speaker 1: to hear. You don't have to suffer. You don't have

823
00:47:22,640 --> 00:47:25,200
Speaker 1: to suffer more than life is going to make you suffer.

824
00:47:25,560 --> 00:47:29,840
Speaker 1: Those are my twenty six twenty seven lessons from twenty

825
00:47:29,840 --> 00:47:34,080
Speaker 1: six years. I hope that they've I don't know, taught

826
00:47:34,080 --> 00:47:37,560
Speaker 1: you something that you've related to them. Maybe it's validated

827
00:47:37,560 --> 00:47:40,920
Speaker 1: and experience that you're having. If you're listening on Spotify

828
00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:42,799
Speaker 1: and you've made it this far, I want to know,

829
00:47:43,320 --> 00:47:45,960
Speaker 1: give me a lesson that you have learned in the

830
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:48,839
Speaker 1: past year, past six months that wasn't on this list

831
00:47:48,840 --> 00:47:52,120
Speaker 1: that you think other people could learn from. I feel

832
00:47:52,120 --> 00:47:55,480
Speaker 1: like every year there's this new knowledge popping into my mind,

833
00:47:55,480 --> 00:47:58,520
Speaker 1: and I have definitely forgotten things that were important lessons.

834
00:47:58,560 --> 00:48:01,000
Speaker 1: But I'd love to hear from you, guys, and I'd

835
00:48:01,040 --> 00:48:05,000
Speaker 1: love to hear your experience. Make sure that you are

836
00:48:05,719 --> 00:48:08,680
Speaker 1: subscribed following wherever you are listening. If you were in

837
00:48:08,680 --> 00:48:11,840
Speaker 1: the US or Canada, you can listen to this episode

838
00:48:12,200 --> 00:48:15,120
Speaker 1: on Netflix. Actually should I say you can watch this

839
00:48:15,200 --> 00:48:17,759
Speaker 1: episode on Netflix. I'm so used to saying listen, But

840
00:48:17,800 --> 00:48:20,719
Speaker 1: you can watch on Netflix, and I would love it

841
00:48:21,120 --> 00:48:24,080
Speaker 1: if you did. So. Make sure that you are as

842
00:48:24,160 --> 00:48:27,960
Speaker 1: well following us on Instagram, and thank you for listening

843
00:48:28,000 --> 00:48:32,160
Speaker 1: to this episode and for being a massive part of

844
00:48:32,600 --> 00:48:36,080
Speaker 1: the last five years of my life, almost all of

845
00:48:36,080 --> 00:48:39,120
Speaker 1: my twenties. I don't know. I'm getting closer to thirty.

846
00:48:39,200 --> 00:48:40,960
Speaker 1: I have to decide if I'm going to do the

847
00:48:41,000 --> 00:48:44,319
Speaker 1: psychology of your thirties or what's going to happen. So

848
00:48:45,160 --> 00:48:47,840
Speaker 1: I guess time will tell. But be safe, be kind,

849
00:48:48,320 --> 00:48:51,640
Speaker 1: be gentle to yourself. We will talk very, very soon.