Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology.
Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
Speaker 2: the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, Wherever you are in
Speaker 2: the world, it is so great to have you here.
Speaker 2: Back for another episode as we, of course break down
Speaker 2: the psychology of our twenties. Today, I have a little
Speaker 2: bit of a different episode for you guys, one that
Speaker 2: is quite vulnerable. It has been a while since I
Speaker 2: have given you guys a mental health update, and if
Speaker 2: you have been with me for this whole journey since
Speaker 2: the beginning of the show, you'll know that when I
Speaker 2: first started, I spoke super openly about my own mental health.
Speaker 2: This is, of course, a psychology podcast. Psychology is in
Speaker 2: the name, and I don't think that it comes as
Speaker 2: a surprise that, you know, being so passionate about this
Speaker 2: stuff does come from kind of personal experience, and since
Speaker 2: the beginning, I have not been shy about talking about
Speaker 2: my own mental health. You know, I did an episode
Speaker 2: on my own experiences with antidepressants. You know, maybe a
Speaker 2: couple of years ago now, and you know, it feels
Speaker 2: really personal to come online, come into your ears, I guess,
Speaker 2: and talk incredibly candidly about something that we are often
Speaker 2: very private about. And sometimes I think it's over sharing.
Speaker 2: Sometimes I wish that, you know, I hadn't spoken about
Speaker 2: it earlier in my career or when I first started
Speaker 2: this podcast. But then there are other times when I
Speaker 2: hear other people having these conversations about their struggles anxiety
Speaker 2: and with depression and with whatever they're going through, and
Speaker 2: it really helps me. It really helps me to see
Speaker 2: these people that I admire, whose work I love, who
Speaker 2: I just respect, kind of let us peek behind the
Speaker 2: curtain and show me and show the audiences that life
Speaker 2: is not perfect, and that no matter what their kind
Speaker 2: of online persona is, no matter what they're talking about,
Speaker 2: the advice they're giving, what they're showing, they have their
Speaker 2: own stuff. Each of us has their own stuff. And
Speaker 2: you know, I think that it's seeing the benefit that
Speaker 2: has for me that makes me want to talk about
Speaker 2: it more. And I kind of had this realization the
Speaker 2: other day that if we all kind of wait for
Speaker 2: other people to reduce the stigma, nobody is ever going
Speaker 2: to say anything, and nobody is ever going to speak
Speaker 2: up because there will never be an example set. There
Speaker 2: will never be somebody to base our experiences off, or
Speaker 2: to base the acceptance that we will receive from our
Speaker 2: experiences off. So that's kind of what I wanted to
Speaker 2: do today, just to sit down with you guys and
Speaker 2: just give you an update about how I'm going about
Speaker 2: what's been happening in my life, what's been impacting and
Speaker 2: influencing my mental health, what's been working. I really want
Speaker 2: to bring that kind of positive aspect to things. What's
Speaker 2: actually been working? And what is my deal with medication?
Speaker 2: Am I still taking my antidepressants? The answer is no,
Speaker 2: and I want to kind of just explore why that
Speaker 2: was the right decision for me. And I do want
Speaker 2: to say very quickly, this is once again an incredibly
Speaker 2: personal episode. It's about my life and my experiences. Please
Speaker 2: do not take anything that I say in this episode
Speaker 2: as I guess advice for you. You know, maybe it is
Speaker 2: helpful hearing my story, It doesn't necessarily mean that what
Speaker 2: I'm doing might be what you need to do or
Speaker 2: not do, or that my journey is going to be
Speaker 2: identical to yours. You know, whether you are early on
Speaker 2: in your mental health journey, whether you are a long
Speaker 2: way in like me, whether you know you're just listening
Speaker 2: because you care, or because you have a friend or
Speaker 2: a family member who's going through this. I think it's
Speaker 2: just about having a sense of community around what is
Speaker 2: such a highly prevalent experience in our twenties and beyond.
Speaker 2: So to kind of catch you guys up, which sounds
Speaker 2: so weird to say, but yeah, to catch you guys up.
Speaker 2: I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for a very
Speaker 2: long time, since I was I don't know, sixteen years old,
Speaker 2: and you know, that was almost a decade ago, so
Speaker 2: I've definitely been around the block with it. And I
Speaker 2: think a unique part about my experience personally was that
Speaker 2: I had a lot of shame for a long time
Speaker 2: around the fact that I didn't look depressed right that,
Speaker 2: you know, I was still able to be very high functioning.
Speaker 2: I was still able to go to university and do
Speaker 2: really well. I was still able to work full time.
Speaker 2: I was still able to run this podcast and run
Speaker 2: a business, and run my life and have very fruitful relationships.
Speaker 2: And for a while I just kind of felt like
Speaker 2: because I had developed such routine coping mechanisms, that meant
Speaker 2: that I could kind of, you know, live this life
Speaker 2: where it looked like nothing was wrong, and then I
Speaker 2: was always happy and everything was going really great, that
Speaker 2: maybe if I kind of just stopped talking about it,
Speaker 2: that would be reality, or kind of on the other
Speaker 2: side of the coin, that I didn't have a right
Speaker 2: to talk about it because people kind of had it worse.
Speaker 2: And I think those thoughts often came to me when
Speaker 2: everything was going really, really well. And that is the
Speaker 2: thing about life. Yes, bad days are promised, but good
Speaker 2: days are also promised. That is what we don't remember
Speaker 2: is that on this like mental health roller coaster, which
Speaker 2: is what I like to call it, there is kind
Speaker 2: of this weird spectrum between almost forgetting about it sometimes
Speaker 2: forgetting about you know, the dark thoughts, forgetting about not
Speaker 2: wanting to get out of bed, forgetting about the crippling
Speaker 2: anxiety when you can, and then like the worst days
Speaker 2: of your life, Like it feels like the kind of sliding,
Speaker 2: like the slide or the distance between those two extremes
Speaker 2: of mental health. It can switch between them almost overnight,
Speaker 2: and it's the days in between when you do feel
Speaker 2: kind of normal, that go by the quickest. And I
Speaker 2: would say a few months ago, when I was, you know,
Speaker 2: riding this said roller coaster, I felt very much like
Speaker 2: I was going down, like I was getting to the
Speaker 2: point of really pushing myself kind of into a cave,
Speaker 2: kind of into a dark space. And the way that
Speaker 2: I kind of knew that that was happening was I
Speaker 2: it was becoming incredibly detached from reality. And I know
Speaker 2: that sounds really really scary, but I think that it's
Speaker 2: just something that I'm used to in a sense, and yes,
Speaker 2: it is still terrifying, but I feel like, because it's
Speaker 2: happened so many times, because I can see it as
Speaker 2: the beginning of a downhill for me, that I've become
Speaker 2: quite neutral about the experience. And when I say becoming
Speaker 2: detached from reality, I don't mean psychosis, I don't mean hallucinations.
Speaker 2: I mean that it feels like there is this foggy
Speaker 2: wall between me and everything going on in my life.
Speaker 2: That means my relationship, that means my friendships, that means
Speaker 2: with my work, with my family, with my experiences. It
Speaker 2: feels like it feels like if somebody said to me,
Speaker 2: this is a dream. This isn't real. It wouldn't take
Speaker 2: that much convincing for me to agree with them and
Speaker 2: for me to be like, oh, yeah, you're totally right,
Speaker 2: I'm dreaming right now. Like there's something about this that
Speaker 2: feels off. The other sign to me that I think
Speaker 2: my mental health is getting worse is that I become
Speaker 2: very existential and big questions like ideas around death, like
Speaker 2: the ideas around purpose, become very very scary, and when
Speaker 2: they pop into my mind, as you know trains of
Speaker 2: thought often do, it just feels like as soon as
Speaker 2: they're there, they are the only thing that I can
Speaker 2: think about, and that they take up the whole space
Speaker 2: and I cannot escape them. This is often, you know,
Speaker 2: I say it as if it's like a very instantaneous
Speaker 2: thing in that one moment, I'm not thinking about it.
Speaker 2: The next moment I am.
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 2: It's often like certain things in my environment that will
Speaker 2: really trigger this for me, certain movies, certain songs, just
Speaker 2: like certain conversations, and I've become hyper aware of and
Speaker 2: hyper focused on avoiding those triggers on like avoiding, for example,
Speaker 2: the Truman Show. That is a movie that I just
Speaker 2: know that I can't watch when like my mental health
Speaker 2: is going really poorly, uh, because I will it's very
Speaker 2: easy to like be like is that real? Is that true?
Speaker 2: Like is that what's happening to me? So it's kind
Speaker 2: of like the best way I can describe it is
Speaker 2: that the film and the layer between reality and fiction
Speaker 2: or fear becomes quite thin. And if you're somebody who
Speaker 2: has a similar experience to me, if you're somebody who
Speaker 2: has struggled with good days and bad days when it
Speaker 2: comes to their mental health, you will know that once
Speaker 2: you've kind of been to the other side of that divide,
Speaker 2: once you have like lived in that I don't know,
Speaker 2: like that world of just like chaos and fear and
Speaker 2: just like disassociation, you realize how quickly and how easily
Speaker 2: it is for you to pass over to that side
Speaker 2: of things. And so it can become very difficult to
Speaker 2: live life and to feel present because you are kind
Speaker 2: of in like this survival mode where you are there's
Speaker 2: some part of your brain that is just beating back
Speaker 2: fear and just beating back those dark thoughts and beating
Speaker 2: back all those intrusive feelings and ideas that just kind
Speaker 2: of threatened to bubble up. So yes, sorry, that was
Speaker 2: a very intense tangent. But a couple months ago I
Speaker 2: really noticed that that was kind of taking hold, and
Speaker 2: there was a few things that really triggered it for me.
Speaker 2: It's often I often think that I'm somebody who is
Speaker 2: very good at managing stress, and I am not. I
Speaker 2: don't know how I've convinced myself. Like I went to
Speaker 2: the doctor the other day, the doctor the other day,
Speaker 2: and they were like, have you had any like moments
Speaker 2: of stress? And I was like, no, not really. You know,
Speaker 2: I just like finished a book and I just like
Speaker 2: moved and you know, I just like moved by into
Speaker 2: a house by myself, and like, yeah, like all these
Speaker 2: big life changes have happened in the past year. But no,
Speaker 2: I'm not stressed. And the thing is is that I
Speaker 2: am good at processing stress because I'm good at making
Speaker 2: it invisible to myself. I am good at making it
Speaker 2: a non problem. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't
Speaker 2: go away. I think stress is a lot like energy,
Speaker 2: where it can never like unless you fully sit with
Speaker 2: it and let it live out its path. It does
Speaker 2: not disappear. It just moves to somewhere else in your
Speaker 2: life or somewhere else in your body. So I was
Speaker 2: super overwhelmed with that. I was definitely burnt out. And
Speaker 2: I mentioned I've already told you guys this that I
Speaker 2: finished my book and it's not coming out for a while.
Speaker 2: But what essentially happened was I finished the book, I
Speaker 2: got immediately sick, like for four weeks. I had tonsilidis
Speaker 2: for four weeks, ridiculous. And then I experienced just this
Speaker 2: like deep sense of sadness and that's the only way
Speaker 2: I can describe it. And I was looking into it.
Speaker 2: I'm very you know, because I was curious. I was like,
Speaker 2: you know, it's funny that this is. You know, my
Speaker 2: job is to like think about the psychology of your twenties,
Speaker 2: but I actually also do a lot of it in
Speaker 2: my own life and a lot of investigation. And I
Speaker 2: came across this idea of gold medal syndrome, which seems
Speaker 2: very timely considering the Olympics are just about to start.
Speaker 2: Very excited for that. But a side note, sidebar, there
Speaker 2: is this concept of gold medal syndrome that's very common
Speaker 2: amongst like Olympic athletes. That's where it came from. Where
Speaker 2: there are these people who spend a great deal of time,
Speaker 2: sometimes their whole lives, wanting to be the best or
Speaker 2: wanting to finish something, wanting to win that gold medal.
Speaker 2: That is like the focus of every moment of their
Speaker 2: waking hours, every day of their life. Everything they eat,
Speaker 2: everything they do, is directed towards this one goal, and
Speaker 2: when they achieve it, they realize that it is quite empty.
Speaker 2: And not only isn't quite empty, but if everything in
Speaker 2: your life has been towards a destination, life seemingly kind
Speaker 2: of ends at that point. You never think about after,
Speaker 2: you never think about you know what comes next. And
Speaker 2: I'm definitely not comparing my situation to literally being the
Speaker 2: best athlete in the world, but it was very much like, Okay,
Speaker 2: this is what I've always wanted, Like this is the
Speaker 2: opportunity of a lifetime. I'm just going to put my
Speaker 2: head down and I'm just going to work towards this goal.
Speaker 2: And when I'm done, that's it. Like what's next? When
Speaker 2: you're done?
Speaker 1: What?
Speaker 2: And it's I was speaking to my friend Alex about
Speaker 2: this the other day, and I was saying, when you
Speaker 2: are somebody who has puts a lot of pressure on themselves,
Speaker 2: who has high functioning anxiety. It's very difficult to ever
Speaker 2: be satisfied with what you have accomplished or done so far.
Speaker 2: And so I finished the book, I got sick, and
Speaker 2: then the fear kind of started up again of like Okay,
Speaker 2: what's next, but also like was that even good? Like
Speaker 2: what's my life without a project? What is my life
Speaker 2: without something to keep my mind preoccupied? And I think
Speaker 2: that that is what it is at the end of
Speaker 2: the day. It is needing something to keep my brain focused.
Speaker 2: It's like when you put an iPad in front of
Speaker 2: a kid so that they don't like have a look
Speaker 2: at the world and like cry over it. That's what
Speaker 2: I was doing with all of these projects. I was
Speaker 2: putting an iPad in front of me. That's what it was.
Speaker 2: And so yeah, I kind of just ended up pushing
Speaker 2: myself a little bit too hard and really ending up
Speaker 2: in a little bit of a ditch on the side
Speaker 2: of the road for a couple of for a month,
Speaker 2: for a month or so a couple of months. And
Speaker 2: this kind of also coincided with a decision to go
Speaker 2: off my medicaid. So I've been on antidepressants for I
Speaker 2: think around three and a half years and when I
Speaker 2: went on them, I was in a really bad space.
Speaker 2: I was super low. I had been in hospital. I
Speaker 2: don't think I've ever said that before, but I was
Speaker 2: just I was not well. I was really, really sick,
Speaker 2: and I had reached like a crisis point. I went
Speaker 2: to my doctorate. You know, there was a lot of
Speaker 2: discussions happening around that time, and like one of the
Speaker 2: first lines of defense I think against moments like that
Speaker 2: is they put you on medication. And at the time,
Speaker 2: I was so like looking for any solution to like
Speaker 2: the chaos in my brain that I was like, this
Speaker 2: will this will have to do, this is what I need.
Speaker 2: Just give me it. Just give me an answer, give
Speaker 2: me an antidote. I spoke about this in my episode
Speaker 2: on antidepressants. But when I first went on them, it
Speaker 2: was awful. I will be completely transparent. It was awful
Speaker 2: because of like the physical reaction that my body and
Speaker 2: my brain had to them. Because I was on SSRIs,
Speaker 2: which is selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Essentially, what those are
Speaker 2: meant to do is mean that there is more serotonin
Speaker 2: available for your neurotrends, for your neurons to essentially use,
Speaker 2: so you know, if sadness depression is caused by a
Speaker 2: lack of serotonin, if we make more of it available
Speaker 2: by preventing our synapses from taking it back, meaning that
Speaker 2: there's more in that space, then the sadness is gone. Right.
Speaker 2: It really takes a biological approach to our mental health.
Speaker 2: The thing about that, though, is that if it's the
Speaker 2: case that your brain does not have enough serotonin, providing
Speaker 2: it with more, making more serotonin available to it is
Speaker 2: going to have some other reactions. And what I found
Speaker 2: was that I was just dizzy all the time. I
Speaker 2: what was another thing. I was tired, constantly tired. I
Speaker 2: would wake up and by like eleven am, I just
Speaker 2: could not keep my eyes open. I was fuzzy, I
Speaker 2: was nauseous. After like around two months, I would say
Speaker 2: that kind of went away. And that was three and
Speaker 2: a half years ago, and since then it has been
Speaker 2: a daily thing that I do. I take my medication,
Speaker 2: and I haven't really thought anything of it. I definitely
Speaker 2: did experience some emotional numbness at the beginning, but the
Speaker 2: further along I got that kind of went away. I've
Speaker 2: always thought, is it because my emotions came back and rebalanced,
Speaker 2: or is it because I just got used to this
Speaker 2: being the norm. You get too deep in the weeds
Speaker 2: with that question, you will never get your way out.
Speaker 2: But basically, I think the purpose that medications served for
Speaker 2: me because I think it is really important. I will
Speaker 2: say that I'll get to my decision to go off
Speaker 2: it in just a second, but I do think that
Speaker 2: it's really valuable and it does really help some people,
Speaker 2: and if it is something that is like offered to
Speaker 2: do your research, but definitely, like for me, it helped,
Speaker 2: and it helped because it was a security net. Right.
Speaker 2: There are a bunch of like coping skills and strategies
Speaker 2: that I needed to learn that at that weren't going
Speaker 2: to help me without the security net, right like I needed.
Speaker 2: It's like practicing a new trick, Like I needed the
Speaker 2: safety of knowing that everything was kind of working in
Speaker 2: my brain and trying out these new tactics wouldn't be
Speaker 2: like life or death. I couldn't fall, I couldn't fail,
Speaker 2: and so I got better at them, I built them up,
Speaker 2: and now it just feels like I've got the tricks.
Speaker 2: I don't need the safety net anymore. And I want
Speaker 2: to know. I want to know what life is like
Speaker 2: without this medication, having been on it for such a
Speaker 2: long time, knowing when I went on it that I
Speaker 2: would be on it for such a long time. I'm
Speaker 2: in a completely new chapter of my life now. When
Speaker 2: I went on them, I was, you know, still in Canberra.
Speaker 2: I was still I was just finished Uni. I was,
Speaker 2: you know, in a different relationship. I had different friends,
Speaker 2: I had a different financial situation, I had a different job.
Speaker 2: Everything about me was very, very different. And I was
Speaker 2: also and I was just I was very vulnerable, and
Speaker 2: I was very and I'm going to say this word weak,
Speaker 2: and I'm not saying weak in the sense of like
Speaker 2: I was weak because i was struggling with my mental
Speaker 2: health and I'm strong now. I was weak in that
Speaker 2: I had just been carrying this, this huge thing for
Speaker 2: so long, and I'd run out of strength, right, I'd
Speaker 2: run out of energy because of everything that was like
Speaker 2: accumulating in my life that was putting pressure on me.
Speaker 2: Now I have my I have my coping mechanisms. First
Speaker 2: of all, I know how to manage my anxiety. I
Speaker 2: went on my SSRIs for both anxiety and depression. I
Speaker 2: know how to ride the wave. I know how to
Speaker 2: manage it. I know how to calm myself down, I
Speaker 2: know how to interrupt irrational and intrusive thoughts. I know
Speaker 2: what I need to implement when my mood starts to turn.
Speaker 2: And I also have a stable relationship with like the
Speaker 2: most amazing, supportive person. I have a job that brings
Speaker 2: me fulfillment. I have very safe and secure and loving friendships,
Speaker 2: which I don't necessarily think that I had back then.
Speaker 2: And this is the most important thing. I have peace.
Speaker 2: I have a real peace to my life. And oh
Speaker 2: my gosh, saying that makes me want to like knock
Speaker 2: wood because I don't want that to go away. But
Speaker 2: I think when you're in your early twenties, right, everything
Speaker 2: is just so fucking chaotic. Everything is a mess, and
Speaker 2: there is drama, and there are friendship breakups, and there
Speaker 2: is upheaval, and there are transitions. And that has been
Speaker 2: the last three years and I feel like I've come
Speaker 2: out of the tunnel and I've just seen this whole
Speaker 2: new world and I don't need what I had before.
Speaker 2: I don't need the drugs. I don't need it. So
Speaker 2: what has that been like going off it? So this
Speaker 2: is not meant obviously not medical advice, but a fact
Speaker 2: about weaning yourself off antidepressants is that if you stop
Speaker 2: cold turkey, you are going to suffer, like it is
Speaker 2: going to be hard. And having been on them for
Speaker 2: so long, it really was not recommended, Like it's not
Speaker 2: recommended to just be like, okay, like I'm doing amazing,
Speaker 2: I'm just gonna stop this right now with absolutely no
Speaker 2: health advice or like no expert opinion or no assistance.
Speaker 2: So I wanted to taper off them. I wanted to
Speaker 2: kind of put in a plan, and I talked to
Speaker 2: my doctor about I was like, Okay, let's do this
Speaker 2: across like two to three months, and We're going to
Speaker 2: slowly lower my dosage, and then we're going to slowly
Speaker 2: lower what I'm taking until eventually, like one day, I
Speaker 2: just don't need it anymore, Like I just I stopped
Speaker 2: taking it all together, and yes, there will still be symptoms,
Speaker 2: but they'll be lesser. Let me tell you, I do
Speaker 2: not know how I would have done this just going
Speaker 2: off all at once, because the thing, like the experiences
Speaker 2: that I've had, it's really made me realize that these
Speaker 2: drugs like do actually change something very like fundamental in
Speaker 2: your brain. I've been having like brain zaps and I
Speaker 2: don't know if you know what this is, but I'll
Speaker 2: be like going around my day and it would just
Speaker 2: be like somebody has just like sent a shock wave
Speaker 2: through my brain to my fingertips. I have been feeling
Speaker 2: really really dizzy and like my vision has been really disturbed,
Speaker 2: and also really irritable, like super irritable, super short, unable
Speaker 2: to really like engage with people. That was kind of
Speaker 2: like the last week, the last couple of weeks, Like
Speaker 2: I'm over that hump now I can see things really
Speaker 2: like changing for the better. But it takes a toll
Speaker 2: on your relationships and those around you as well. And
Speaker 2: it took a toll on kind of work and on
Speaker 2: like passion and like my hobbies because it just felt like, Okay,
Speaker 2: I'm having to adjust to this new way of going
Speaker 2: about things, and I have to adjust to essentially what
Speaker 2: is a.
Speaker 1: Withdrawal, A withdrawal from something that I can acknowledge held
Speaker 1: me up for many, many years.
Speaker 2: So that's kind of been where I'm at with that
Speaker 2: whole experience. It's been three and a half years. I'm
Speaker 2: going off my antidepressants. I'm going off my other medications
Speaker 2: as well, not yet but in the next couple of months,
Speaker 2: it's a slow process and I feel like I've been complaining.
Speaker 2: I'm actually feeling really really good about things. I'm feeling
Speaker 2: really really good about things. And the reason why is
Speaker 2: because I spoke about that kind of hard period I
Speaker 2: was having a few like a month back, a few
Speaker 2: months back, Oh my gosh, my Timelin's or Wold. Earlier
Speaker 2: this year, I spoke about how I was having that
Speaker 2: hard time after the book when I got sick, and
Speaker 2: I just feel like it was hard, it was difficult,
Speaker 2: I was sad, I was losing touch. But I got
Speaker 2: through it, and I got through it in a way
Speaker 2: that I think I would not have been able to
Speaker 2: do before, and it made me realize that I was ready.
Speaker 2: So these are some of the other things that have
Speaker 2: been like really really helping me. And I know some
Speaker 2: of them will sound cliche, but it's like an army
Speaker 2: of tools, right. It's not just like one tactic is
Speaker 2: going to fight all the battles for me. It is layered.
Speaker 2: I think having that foundational support system is amazing and
Speaker 2: like real shout out to my partner. He is the
Speaker 2: most beautiful, wonderful person, and like I don't know what
Speaker 2: I would do without him, And yeah, it's just like
Speaker 2: a crazy experience to have that kind of healthy, sustaining love.
Speaker 2: That's just like it's just like a big, warm hug,
Speaker 2: like you're going to get through anything that you're getting through.
Speaker 2: And you know, it's so different from what it was
Speaker 2: like when I really first started acknowledging these problems, when
Speaker 2: I didn't have that and the person I was with was,
Speaker 2: you know, probably contributing rather than helping. So that's a
Speaker 2: big thing. But the other thing is I've been doing
Speaker 2: this thing that a friend taught me called my smile file.
Speaker 2: I get really kind of held up in the details
Speaker 2: of life, particularly like obsessing and ruminating over negative things.
Speaker 2: And I think that if you're somebody with depression or
Speaker 2: if you're going through a depressive episode, that is a
Speaker 2: huge component of it. It's not just like, you know,
Speaker 2: it's not that an uneven number of bad things happened
Speaker 2: to people with depression versus people who don't have depression. Sometimes,
Speaker 2: of course, there are triggering factors and triggering experience answers,
Speaker 2: but it's not like the world hates people with depression more.
Speaker 2: It's not like the universe or God is giving them
Speaker 2: more experiences. Is that we It's that I found that
Speaker 2: I just tend to focus on those bad things a
Speaker 2: lot more, and it just feels a lot heavier, and
Speaker 2: it feels like I can see my friends be like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 2: this shit thing happened, and like I can move past it,
Speaker 2: and for me, it's like, no, I can't. So what
Speaker 2: I've been doing to counteract that is called a smile file.
Speaker 2: So anytime something good happens, anytime I get like a
Speaker 2: lovely message from one of you guys, you guys are
Speaker 2: the best, Like I take a screenshot of it. I
Speaker 2: take a photo of something beautiful that I've seen, and
Speaker 2: I put it in a folder so that when I'm
Speaker 2: sitting on my couch at the end of the night
Speaker 2: and maybe just feeling really terrible, there is this immediate
Speaker 2: space I can go to that is just everything positive
Speaker 2: in my life, and it's grounding. It's really grounding to
Speaker 2: have like the reality that I live a good life
Speaker 2: presented to me right there. The other thing that I
Speaker 2: think was one of the I don't think I know
Speaker 2: this was one of the things I really worked on
Speaker 2: the last three years, was like reworking my negative beliefs
Speaker 2: and learning that how I perceive those negative thoughts is
Speaker 2: a choice. Those negative experiences are always going to be there.
Speaker 2: Bad things are always going to happen. Bad thoughts might
Speaker 2: always happen, but how I think about them is going
Speaker 2: to determine what I do with those things and whether
Speaker 2: And please do not misconstrue my words and think that
Speaker 2: I'm saying like you can choose to be happy or
Speaker 2: you can choose to be sad. Absolutely not. It's that
Speaker 2: I can choose to think about them in a way
Speaker 2: that is constructive or unproductive. Let me give you an example.
Speaker 2: And we've been vulnerable so far, let's go even deeper.
Speaker 2: And other component of this is that I have been
Speaker 2: struggling at times with like resentment towards my friendships and
Speaker 2: feeling like, you know, there are certain relationships that perhaps
Speaker 2: I've outgrown and that there is you know, there is
Speaker 2: an inequality there and perhaps the love that I give
Speaker 2: them and the love that I'm receiving back. It's just
Speaker 2: I think it's just part of life. You know, You're
Speaker 2: not always going to be on the same page as
Speaker 2: certain people. And there was definitely like a point where
Speaker 2: I realized that perhaps I was giving a little bit
Speaker 2: too much to people who didn't they didn't deserve it.
Speaker 2: Everybody is deserving of all the love that you can
Speaker 2: give them, but that maybe that love was should be
Speaker 2: reserved for people who were willing to reciprocate the fact
Speaker 2: that I make plans, who were willing to support me
Speaker 2: as you know, as a business, as a creator, as
Speaker 2: a person. You know, when I did cool stuff, they
Speaker 2: were willing to be like, that's cool, and they were
Speaker 2: willing to get out and support it. And so there
Speaker 2: was definitely a bit of resentment. And I'll admit that
Speaker 2: we're doing an episode on that soon, navigating resentment. And
Speaker 2: I think previously I would have been like, Wow, I'm
Speaker 2: so angry at my friend because they really didn't show
Speaker 2: up for me. And why didn't they show up for me?
Speaker 2: Probably because I'm a bad person, probably because I did
Speaker 2: something that like upset them, probably because you know, I
Speaker 2: don't deserve love, and probably because I'm doomed to be lonely.
Speaker 2: You can see the thought spiral, right, It's like second
Speaker 2: nature to spiral. And the trick is for me was
Speaker 2: to be like, all right, what's that first negative thought
Speaker 2: that's going to stet off the chain reaction like I
Speaker 2: am not worthy of love or you know, I've done
Speaker 2: something wrong, I'm a bad person, and just look at
Speaker 2: that thought and be completely and entirely rational about it.
Speaker 2: What evidence is there for that being the case? Where
Speaker 2: did I think? Where did I pick up on this
Speaker 2: fact that, you know, the fact that my friend isn't
Speaker 2: supporting me or showing up for me means that I'm
Speaker 2: a bad person? Is that actually the only explanation and
Speaker 2: the best explanation. And then it's also you know, even
Speaker 2: going a step back and being like, Okay, yeah, I
Speaker 2: really resent my friend for you know, I feel like
Speaker 2: they don't care about me. And instead of being like
Speaker 2: that says everything about me and that's going to ruin
Speaker 2: my day and ruin my life and completely turn you know,
Speaker 2: everything to shit, it's like, Okay, I'm going to accept
Speaker 2: that and be neutral about it, and all I'm gonna
Speaker 2: do is change my expectations and just change my opinion
Speaker 2: towards the situation. Yeah, it's not fun, it's not great,
Speaker 2: and that's it. There is nothing more to it than that.
Speaker 2: The situation is contained. The situation is just the situation.
Speaker 2: It's not my life so that has been something that's
Speaker 2: been really really helpful, and obviously, like it's a lot
Speaker 2: more complicated than that. It was a whole process of
Speaker 2: like cognitive behavioral therapy that I absolutely recommend, but then
Speaker 2: there are also behavioral changes. I hate to be cliche,
Speaker 2: but I've been exercising a lot, and gosh, if it
Speaker 2: is not true that it does make you feel better.
Speaker 2: It's not a cure. It's definitely not a cure. But
Speaker 2: again it's a strategy. It's a strategy for releasing a
Speaker 2: lot of pent up anxiety. And for me, actually what
Speaker 2: really helped was when I was first, like you know,
Speaker 2: when everything first started happening, I was having a lot
Speaker 2: of panic attacks. And when I first started getting that
Speaker 2: racing heart those symptoms, that was really scary and I
Speaker 2: felt like as soon as my heart rate was up,
Speaker 2: as soon as like my blood was running, I was
Speaker 2: going to have a panic attack. And what exercise really
Speaker 2: helped me realize was that I can activate that same
Speaker 2: physiological state myself and the worst case scenario doesn't happen,
Speaker 2: and I can actually get myself back down. I can
Speaker 2: you know, get my heart rate down, I can calm
Speaker 2: myself down, I can cool myself down, So that was
Speaker 2: also a component. It wasn't just the physical endorphins. It
Speaker 2: was the mental exercise and the mental control that exercise
Speaker 2: gave me. And I also have kind of turned down
Speaker 2: drinking a lot. Drinking for me, and I've spoken about
Speaker 2: this before, has definitely been a bit of a mental
Speaker 2: and psychological crutch because it does really slow everything down.
Speaker 2: It is a depressant. That's like, that's the kind of
Speaker 2: drug it is. Alcohol is is a drug, and it's
Speaker 2: a depressant. So when I was super, super anxious, it
Speaker 2: would make me feel like a lot more in control.
Speaker 2: It would make me feel like, you know, okay, well
Speaker 2: I can't be you know, those negative thoughts and those
Speaker 2: spirals about death and about the end of the world
Speaker 2: world and about my you know, lovability and lovability, about
Speaker 2: my you know, my worthiness and all those things. I
Speaker 2: can't think about that for that long when I've had
Speaker 2: like four glasses of wine, because I'm going to be
Speaker 2: on the next thing pretty soon. So it was definitely
Speaker 2: a crutch. And although it reduces my anxiety in the moment,
Speaker 2: the next day I wake up and I am incredibly
Speaker 2: anxious and incredibly sad and incredibly down because that is
Speaker 2: the chemical reaction that alcohol is going to have on
Speaker 2: my brain, and so I just didn't want to be
Speaker 2: reliant on that anymore, and I didn't want it to
Speaker 2: be this yoyo coping mechanism that you know, reduced the
Speaker 2: mental tension one moment and then just like accelerated it
Speaker 2: the next. And it's been great. It's honestly been great.
Speaker 2: I did an episode on this, I think at the
Speaker 2: start of the year that was like why we should
Speaker 2: quit drinking? Should you quit drinking in your twenties? And
Speaker 2: it's not that like alcohol has no place in my
Speaker 2: life at all. I never drink. I do still drink,
Speaker 2: but what I've been doing is choosing like one day
Speaker 2: a week that I get to drink. And it's not
Speaker 2: like I'm going to go out and binge drink on
Speaker 2: that day. But it's about really repositioning alcohol as like
Speaker 2: a celebration or like, yes, it is a part of
Speaker 2: my life, but it's a special part of my life.
Speaker 2: It's like something that I'll only do if I'm going
Speaker 2: out for like a really fun dinner with a friend,
Speaker 2: or like date night with my boyfriend, or my mom's
Speaker 2: in town or a birthday instead of it, you know,
Speaker 2: being something that I'm like, oh, should I have a
Speaker 2: drink when I'm home alone? Like, I just don't do
Speaker 2: that anymore because if I only have one day to drink,
Speaker 2: I want to use that day the best that I can. So, yeah,
Speaker 2: those have been my strategies. Those have been the things
Speaker 2: that I've been changing, and also just working with a therapist,
Speaker 2: just working on like, you know, being somebody who is
Speaker 2: responsible having a good life. And I know that sounds
Speaker 2: really intense. Maybe I don't know what you're by my
Speaker 2: I don't know I'm thinking about what you're thinking about
Speaker 2: my words, which is strange, But I just I just
Speaker 2: want to feel like I'm in control of creating a
Speaker 2: good life for myself, and the only way that I
Speaker 2: can prove that to myself is by actually doing it
Speaker 2: and by actually making things better for me. Whether that
Speaker 2: is exercising, whether that is not drinking, whether that is
Speaker 2: prioritizing good, loving, sustainable, and just like fulfilling friendship over
Speaker 2: temporary associations. You know, that is a choice. And I
Speaker 2: think when it comes to your mental health, there is
Speaker 2: so much that you don't get to control that the
Speaker 2: things that you do get to control feel really really
Speaker 2: important and feel really really significant, and I just want
Speaker 2: to take as much of that as I can and
Speaker 2: to have as much agency as I can. And you know,
Speaker 2: I just feel like I'm doing a lot better and
Speaker 2: maybe maybe that will change, maybe the roller coaster will
Speaker 2: suddenly turn a corner, but I feel prepared. And it's
Speaker 2: kind of emotional to say that, because I just feel like,
Speaker 2: for a long time, I've always felt that I was
Speaker 2: just kind of strapped in and whatever life wanted to
Speaker 2: throw me, with whatever my you know, mental health wanted
Speaker 2: to throw me, I just had to like bear it.
Speaker 2: And I just feel like I'm bigger and I'm stronger
Speaker 2: now and I have my strength back, and I have
Speaker 2: a say, and I have things to do and things too,
Speaker 2: Like I kind of have a voice and I can
Speaker 2: kind of yell back at it a little bit. So
Speaker 2: I hope that has maybe resonated with you. I hope
Speaker 2: that this has kind of helped you. I don't know
Speaker 2: what you're going through. It might not be the same
Speaker 2: as me. You might not relate, but maybe there is
Speaker 2: somebody who does. And I just wanted to kind of
Speaker 2: share that it was really bad once it's better now
Speaker 2: and it might get bad again, but it's going to
Speaker 2: be okay. And that I'm you know, I lived through
Speaker 2: it and I'm doing so much better and I'm really happy.
Speaker 2: And that is that. That is really the mental health
Speaker 2: update for you, guys. So thank you for making it
Speaker 2: this far, thank you for listening, and yeah, thank you
Speaker 2: for just being there. Thank you for giving me my
Speaker 2: dream job. Gosh, this is a sappy episode, but you
Speaker 2: know what, sometimes you just got to do it. Sometimes
Speaker 2: it can't be all scientific. We gotta bee, we've got
Speaker 2: to be in our fields a little bit. We've got
Speaker 2: to be really pulling the curtain back on like the
Speaker 2: twenty something life. So if you did enjoy this episode,
Speaker 2: please feel free to leave a five star review on
Speaker 2: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now. Make
Speaker 2: sure that you are following along for the new episodes,
Speaker 2: happier episodes, more informative episodes, and if you have an
Speaker 2: episode's suggestion, if you want me to talk about this more,
Speaker 2: if you want me to talk about this less, if
Speaker 2: you have something that you're going through that you want
Speaker 2: to know the psychology behind, please feel free to DM
Speaker 2: me at that psychology podcast. Make sure you're following us
Speaker 2: over there, and we will be back on Friday for
Speaker 2: another episode. Until then, be safe, be kind and be
Speaker 2: gentle to yourself, and we will talk soon. One