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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 2: I know plenty of women who earn more than their partners,

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Speaker 2: or who are more successful than their partners, who are

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Speaker 2: more established than their partners, and the situations I'm thinking

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Speaker 2: of just happen to be heterosexual relationships, right with the

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Speaker 2: man and a woman. And so I think the most

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Speaker 2: important thing for us to remember when we're having this

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Speaker 2: conversation is this isn't necessarily about high earning, right, It's

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Speaker 2: just more about the dynamic and you having maybe more

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Speaker 2: money than your partner making more money.

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Speaker 1: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 1: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments

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Speaker 1: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a

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Speaker 1: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 1: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 1: on iTunes and visit cultivatinghurspace dot com to access our

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Speaker 1: exclusive after show their bonus content from the Patreon tab.

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Speaker 3: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 3: women like you. We're your hosts doctor Dominique Broussard, a

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Speaker 3: college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker in a

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Speaker 2: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood. Please

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Speaker 2: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 2: fibroids to fake friends and create a safe space where

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Speaker 2: black women can just be.

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Speaker 4: Hey, lady's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.

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Speaker 4: Are you currently a resident of the state of California

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Speaker 4: in contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please

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Speaker 4: reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.

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Speaker 4: That's Dr DOMI n I q U E B R

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Speaker 4: O U S S A r D dot com to

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Speaker 4: schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look forward to

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Speaker 4: hearing from you.

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Speaker 5: All Right, our quote of the day. We must reject

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Speaker 5: not only the stereotypes that others hold of us, but

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Speaker 5: also the stereotypes that we hold of ourselves. Tamar Good

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Speaker 5: Sister Shirley Chisel. All right, see Algie's like, wait, you

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Speaker 5: already know, you already know, right, what are my thoughts? Okay,

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Speaker 5: so my thoughts on this topic now?

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Speaker 2: I would say it reminds me of some of the

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Speaker 2: conversations we've had on the show where we talk about

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Speaker 2: unlearning and relearning based on what we were taught, based

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Speaker 2: on societal expectations or societal norms, And so I think

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Speaker 2: it's a very powerful quote, And what it means to

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Speaker 2: me is that a lot of times, because of how

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Speaker 2: we were raised, what we were taught, we need to

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Speaker 2: not only, like she's saying, reject the stereotypes that others

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Speaker 2: hold of us, but also check ourselves and understand, like,

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Speaker 2: what are my beliefs and where did they come from?

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Speaker 2: Do they still serve me today? Do I need to

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Speaker 2: unlearn something? Do I need to relearn?

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Speaker 5: You know?

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Speaker 2: Does what I've been taught still serve me in this phase,

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Speaker 2: stage and area of life?

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Speaker 6: You know?

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Speaker 2: So it just makes me really think about us, questioning

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Speaker 2: why we think what we think, why we believe what

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Speaker 2: we believe, and also asking ourselves if it still serves us,

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Speaker 2: and not just sticking with an idea or a way

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Speaker 2: of life because we were taught this back in the day,

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Speaker 2: and so we're just going to stick with it because

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Speaker 2: it's what it's always been.

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Speaker 5: What about you? What do you think? Love? Then? I think, yeah,

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Speaker 5: similar to you of like, okay, so it doesn't serve

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Speaker 5: of us when we cling to stereotypes that other people

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Speaker 5: have of loves when we know that for it not

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Speaker 5: to be true. But then more importantly, it's what stereotypes

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Speaker 5: are we holding ourselves to, right, and so not even

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Speaker 5: thinking about what other people might be saying about us,

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Speaker 5: but what are we believing about ourselves? It's based on

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Speaker 5: society stereotypes must and like you said, how do we

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Speaker 5: wrestle with that and learn to let go of the

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Speaker 5: things that are no longer servant? Exactly? Oh, this is good, okay, lady.

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Speaker 2: So this topic the episode is called Beyond the Paycheck,

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Speaker 2: right unpacking the dynamics between successful women and their partners

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Speaker 2: who earn less. So, as you can imagine, this is

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Speaker 2: an important topic for us. But we're going to just

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Speaker 2: talk a bit about why it's important. And I would

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Speaker 2: say that and my experience, I know plenty of women

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Speaker 2: who earn more than their partners, or who are more

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Speaker 2: successful than their partners, who are more established than their partners,

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Speaker 2: And these the situations I'm thinking of just happened to

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Speaker 2: be heterosexual relationships, right with the man and a woman.

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Speaker 2: And so I think the most important thing for us

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Speaker 2: to remember when we're having this conversation is This isn't

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Speaker 2: just think, this isn't necessarily about high earning, right, It's

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Speaker 2: just more about the dynamic and you having maybe more

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Speaker 2: money than your partner making more money. So this could

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Speaker 2: be anywhere from like Oprah and Steadman to you know,

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Speaker 2: Chanel in Oka clib Okah, Okah, there you go, an

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Speaker 2: Chantel and Okarabe insert whatever names you see. But I'm

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Speaker 2: sure we've all seen this dynamic. So it's an important

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Speaker 2: conversation to be had. And then Tom, do you want

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Speaker 2: to talk a bit more about the acts that we

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Speaker 2: talked about in others?

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Speaker 5: Yeah? So I think about and we mentioned this on

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Speaker 5: other episodes where we talk about women and like the

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Speaker 5: dynamms of how things have changed for women over the generations.

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Speaker 5: But it's important to note in this conversation that this

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Speaker 5: is an intergenerational conversation that things have are constantly shifting

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Speaker 5: and changing. And one of the things that we look

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Speaker 5: at is in nineteen seventy four there was the Equal

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Speaker 5: Credit Opportunity Act, which did I say that, Um, you

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Speaker 5: said it right, I'm just processing what it means. No, Yah,

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Speaker 5: I'm a wait, Okay, you got it. So the Equal

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Speaker 5: Opportunity Act of nineteen seventy four, which basically gave women

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Speaker 5: protection to open up their own bank accounts right and

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Speaker 5: to start to have credit and things in their name,

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Speaker 5: because prior to that they had to have a husband

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Speaker 5: or a father or some other male figure in their

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Speaker 5: life signing off on these things with them. I want

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Speaker 5: to repeat that year again. See seventy four, y'all, that's

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Speaker 5: not even fifty years ago. Wild, not even fifty years ago,

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Speaker 5: I think was and I probably need to do more

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Speaker 5: research on the ASSP.

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Speaker 2: But just hearing what you're sharing about it and what

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Speaker 2: we talked about, lady, isn't it wild to think many

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Speaker 2: of us right were independent, ambitious go getting women. And

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Speaker 2: when I think about my journey and things that I've

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Speaker 2: been able to do independently on my own without the

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Speaker 2: support of a male or having a male oversee my

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Speaker 2: process or whatever I'm doing, that is so wild to me.

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Speaker 2: And I feel very blessed that we live in this time,

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Speaker 2: because I can't imagine having the grit and the passion

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Speaker 2: and the ambition that I have back then and not

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Speaker 2: being able to have the resources or the support to

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Speaker 2: be able to get your own freaking bank account or

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Speaker 2: hie your own home or whatever it is, like, that's

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Speaker 2: just so wild to me to think that just like

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Speaker 2: less than fifty years ago we had that is fifty

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Speaker 2: years Yeah.

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Speaker 5: Cause it'll be fifty years ago, twenty twenty four, it'll

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Speaker 5: be fifty years yeah. Wild. And you think about it too.

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Speaker 5: There are still other countries where this is where this

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Speaker 5: is the case that women do have to have a

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Speaker 5: father or some other male figure signing off on the

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Speaker 5: decisions that they make. And but when we think about

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Speaker 5: things and how things have shifted over all of these years,

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Speaker 5: I also think about, you know, as we were researching

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Speaker 5: for this, for this topic for today, one of the

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Speaker 5: things that we're seeing is that there are now more

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Speaker 5: women under the age of thirty, particularly in major metropolitan

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Speaker 5: areas that are more educated. So they have more degrees

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Speaker 5: and are high owners. So that means that they it

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Speaker 5: doesn't even necessarily mean that they might have more degrees,

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Speaker 5: but they're earning potential. It's catching up or have caught

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Speaker 5: up or surpassed men in those areas. And so when

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Speaker 5: I think about this future generation coming through, so these

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Speaker 5: young women under the age of thirty, we are definitely

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Speaker 5: going to see way more of them earning more than

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Speaker 5: their male partners, and again, we want to be clear

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Speaker 5: that we are speaking to the heterosexual relationship dynamics.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, hey, lady, it's Terry here, Dom and I want

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Speaker 2: to take a moment to thank you for choosing to

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Speaker 2: listen to our podcast. We love you for real, and

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Speaker 2: we want to give you a chance to learn more

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Speaker 2: about what's important to us. So tell us what you

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Speaker 2: think about this.

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Speaker 7: Imagine a world where you have a chance to get

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Speaker 7: featured on the Cultivating her Space podcast and share your

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Speaker 7: business brand or perspective with millions around the globe. Imagine

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Speaker 7: joining our monthly virtual video check ins where you can

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Speaker 7: connect with life minded black women like you and share

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Speaker 7: your ideas and episode suggestions with Terry and I. Now,

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Speaker 7: I want you to imagine a world where you're in

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Speaker 7: the exclusive Cultivating her Space sanctuary Slack channel, and throughout

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Speaker 7: your day and week, you are conversing with us about

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Speaker 7: what's happening in your life and sharing funny gifts and

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Speaker 7: or personal wins. How does that sound?

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Speaker 2: Hopefully this is up your alley, lady, because we are

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Speaker 2: taking things to the next level this year, and we're

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Speaker 2: doubling down on investing in our community.

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Speaker 5: That means you.

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Speaker 2: We want to meet you, connect with you, and create

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Speaker 2: communities of genuine women who love on black women and

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Speaker 2: push our culture and movement forward. We launched this podcast

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Speaker 2: in twenty nineteen, and to date we have not missed

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Speaker 2: a week. We've been great stewards of our platform, all

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Speaker 2: while working full time and navigating our own ups and downs.

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Speaker 2: and we have hundreds of valuable episodes and workshops that

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Speaker 2: can really help you up level your life. So if

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Speaker 2: you love our mission or you've gotten value from us,

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Speaker 2: the Sister Frontier so that you can get someone on

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Speaker 2: click that link that says Patreon. All right, lady, we'll

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Speaker 2: hop right back into the conversation.

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Speaker 5: That's such a good point, So lady, this is why

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Speaker 5: this conversation is important.

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Speaker 2: Right, You're probably already having conversation in the group chat

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Speaker 2: or talking to your homegirls or talking about it in therapy,

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Speaker 2: and so we just wanted to offer a perspective and

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Speaker 2: touch on the topic and hopefully give you something to

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Speaker 2: think about. Yeah, maybe give you some tools. And I

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Speaker 2: guess we should jump on in. Should we talk about

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Speaker 2: the BuzzFeed news articles?

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Speaker 5: What did you have? So? You know, one of the

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Speaker 5: things that we found in this article was that according

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Speaker 5: to Pere Research, and Pere Research is one of the

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Speaker 5: the Pere Research Center is one of the top research

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Speaker 5: centers in the country. They lots of statistics that we

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Speaker 5: found in US articles like can come from Pew Research.

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Speaker 5: And so what they found in their analysis, their recent

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Speaker 5: analysis from earlier this year, early twenty twenty three, was

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Speaker 5: that black women are more likely than other women to

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Speaker 5: be the primary or sole earner in their marriages. Now,

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Speaker 5: anecdotally we know this to be true, particularly for households

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Speaker 5: where the women are where the black women are college educated.

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Speaker 5: Because statists speaking, you have more black women earning college

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Speaker 5: degrees and other and even higher professional degrees than black men,

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Speaker 5: and they are catching up. Black women are catching up

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Speaker 5: with it and surpassing other demographics in terms of level

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Speaker 5: of higher education. Yeah, so the chances of you find

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Speaker 5: it being a black woman and being in a heterosexual

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Speaker 5: relationship with someone who is less degree than you is

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Speaker 5: becoming more likely.

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Speaker 2: And I will also add that out of the black

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Speaker 2: women that I know, most of the black women that

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Speaker 2: I engage with also want a black man. They want

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Speaker 2: a black partner, right that it's important. So I think,

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Speaker 2: with all that content, lady, where does this leave black women?

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Speaker 6: Right?

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Speaker 2: So, one of the things that Domina I want to do,

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Speaker 2: we want to talk about the overall dynamics. We tried

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Speaker 2: our best to make this as exhaustive as possible, but

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Speaker 2: we know that we're probably going to miss something. So

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Speaker 2: you can always come all over to Instagram, at her

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Speaker 2: space podcast and comment when by post and let us

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Speaker 2: know what we may have missed. But some of the

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Speaker 2: examples that we thought about are situations where something shifts

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Speaker 2: within the relationship on the man's end and he can

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Speaker 2: no longer work or contribute period. And that's whether it's

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Speaker 2: like an illness, whether it's a mental health concern. Maybe

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Speaker 2: something has happened and so he's just not in a

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Speaker 2: mental space to be able to work. He needs support, right,

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Speaker 2: or maybe he got laid off from his job.

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Speaker 5: There's all kinds of situations in which your life be licenman, Yes,

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Speaker 5: and your circumstances change.

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Speaker 2: You have that you have the situation where the woman

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Speaker 2: is more degreed or established. I'm looking at these notes,

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Speaker 2: and I don't think some of the changes I wrote

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Speaker 2: down went through.

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Speaker 5: But it's all good. Oh no they didn't. Sorry, y'all.

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Speaker 2: We're just looking at our notes. Oh crap, Okay, So

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Speaker 2: we're gonna make it work, all right. We're gonna make

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Speaker 2: this work, y'all. And if you're watching us, off hatreon aout.

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Speaker 5: Okay.

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Speaker 2: So then we have where a situation where the woman

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Speaker 2: is more degreed or established and has always earned more

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Speaker 2: than her partner. And then finally we have a situation

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Speaker 2: where the woman is elevated within the relationship and she

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Speaker 2: begins earning more or she becomes more established mid relationship.

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Speaker 2: So I think all of those present different situations to

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Speaker 2: figure out, like what.

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Speaker 5: Am I going to do?

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Speaker 2: So maybe we can talk about the different those three

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Speaker 2: different dynamics and like just options. Like when you think

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Speaker 2: about a situation where your partner. Maybe he was the breadwinner, right,

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Speaker 2: maybe he was at least meeting you halfway yardul fifty

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Speaker 2: to fifty and now he cannot contribute.

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Speaker 5: How do you handle that shit?

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Speaker 2: Because I've been in a situation before where a partner

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Speaker 2: did lose their job, and from my experience, for a

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Speaker 2: lot of men, they really value being a provider. They

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Speaker 2: really value being able to contribute. It means a lot

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Speaker 2: for their manhood, and so it can be very earth

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Speaker 2: shattering when that happens. Yeah, and it's like, how do

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Speaker 2: you support this man when he's going through this?

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Speaker 5: I think that's a hard thing to do, but it's

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Speaker 5: an if you value your relationship, if you're committed to

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Speaker 5: your relationship, then that's something that you all work on together. Right,

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Speaker 5: Like you ask him, how what does he need from you? Right?

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Speaker 5: Because I could imagine you have either you been laid

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Speaker 5: off or whatever the circumstance, maybe you fall ill. And

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Speaker 5: I think it also depends on what the circumstances really

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Speaker 5: are that where you can no longer contribute, right, if

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Speaker 5: you have fallen ill and can no longer work. And

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Speaker 5: there's also a difference between whether or not it's this

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Speaker 5: is a temporary illness, because I could see where if

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Speaker 5: a man like it's a temporary thing, he might be

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Speaker 5: you know, he might be feeling down down for a

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Speaker 5: little bit, but he also can rest assured knowing that

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Speaker 5: this is a temporary thing and within a certain time

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Speaker 5: period he'll be back to where things were. And I

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Speaker 5: think that that sits a lot easier than oh, I'm

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Speaker 5: never going to be able to work again and I can't,

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Speaker 5: so things will never be the same. I think the

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Speaker 5: ress from both boat parties would be different exactly, and

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Speaker 5: so you know, and then also if someone's been laid off, okay,

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Speaker 5: so as a partner, I'm going to be supportive of you.

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Speaker 5: But at some point, if you are able bodied, at

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Speaker 5: some point we're having a conversation about what are you

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Speaker 5: what's the plant?

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Speaker 2: Because it's not sexually taking care of no going as adult,

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Speaker 2: that's able body and right.

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Speaker 5: And so I'm gonna definitely say you're gonna have your

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Speaker 5: time to greed, because that's part of the process. You're

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Speaker 5: gonna have time to gree this sudden change. But at

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Speaker 5: some point you're gonna have to figure out what the

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Speaker 5: game plan is exactly. And maybe the game plan is

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Speaker 5: that now I'm the sole provider, but we need to

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Speaker 5: have a discussion about that. Like it's not just we're

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Speaker 5: gonna gonna sit and dwell exactly. We need to have

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Speaker 5: communication around what's the game point.

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Speaker 2: And I don't know if you mentioned this down, but

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Speaker 2: I'm thinking about even tapping into resources, like do you

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Speaker 2: need to encourage them to go to therapy, like, because

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Speaker 2: it can I've witnessed it, and I'm sure you've experienced it.

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Speaker 2: I heard it from clients or friends. But it can

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Speaker 2: really be a huge mental hurdle and just get someone

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Speaker 2: and thats stuck, like a very stagnant place, especially when

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Speaker 2: a man values being a provider and then they lose

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Speaker 2: that ability, like it can be very very detrimental. So

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Speaker 2: looking at the therapy getting support could be an option,

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Speaker 2: connecting with other people who are also in a similar position, right,

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Speaker 2: because I can imagine also if for whatever reason, you

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Speaker 2: no longer have this job and your identity was tied

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Speaker 2: to not just being a provider, yes, but this particular

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Speaker 2: job that you were doing, if your identity is tied

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Speaker 2: into that and now you can no longer do this thing,

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Speaker 2: that does require some support, some processing, whether it's in therapy,

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Speaker 2: whether it's connecting with other people who have had similar experience.

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Speaker 2: You've got to do the work to grieve, to let

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Speaker 2: yourself grieve, and then to heal and figure out what

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Speaker 2: the next steps are exactly. Hans Handstadt agree with that.

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Speaker 2: I did add another dynamic, and that was the man

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Speaker 2: that has never worked and doesn't have plans to work,

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Speaker 2: because that's another thing I've known situations like that as well,

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Speaker 2: when it comes to the woman who's degreed or more

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Speaker 2: established and has always earned more. I feel like that's

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Speaker 2: a dynamic that you probably, like in the dating phase,

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Speaker 2: you probably navigated that and figured out you know what

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Speaker 2: I mean that I.

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Speaker 5: Think, yeah, women, you know in some of the research,

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Speaker 5: and then also thinking about folks that I've worked with,

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Speaker 5: like in those situations, you know what you're getting into, right,

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Speaker 5: and so it's a matter of how comfortable do each

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Speaker 5: of you feel with this being the dynamic. You know,

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Speaker 5: there are situations where we have like Oprah Stepvemn situation. Yes,

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Speaker 5: when Oprah and Stebin got together, Oprah was not and

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Speaker 5: so this would be more of like our next one

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Speaker 5: of like the woman mid relationship, things change right when

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Speaker 5: Oprah and Steven got together Oprah wasn't the Oprah one

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Speaker 5: free that we know now exactly.

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Speaker 2: Like she was.

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Speaker 5: Doing all right for herself, you know, Oh no, her

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Speaker 5: career was going to take off the way that it did,

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Speaker 5: and that she would be this billionaire setman, I'm sure

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Speaker 5: didn't know that going into it. And so I think,

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Speaker 5: you know, you have folks on that level, Well, nobody's

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Speaker 5: on Oprahs level, but you know you. But we also

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Speaker 5: also want to be clear that you have women that

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Speaker 5: at earning like sixty thousand dollars a year and their

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Speaker 5: partner is only earning forty. So it's not just happening.

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Speaker 5: It's not only happening to high income folks. It is

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Speaker 5: happening too everyday folks as well. And so it's a

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Speaker 5: conversation about values and value alignment that as the man,

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Speaker 5: how like, how does your male partner, what are his

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Speaker 5: views on finances and contributions from both partners? What are

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Speaker 5: your views on that? Like, what are your expectations? What

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Speaker 5: are the gender row norms and expectations that go into this, right, Yeah,

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Speaker 5: And going back to our colde of the day, thinking

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Speaker 5: about how much do you and how much does your

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Speaker 5: partner believes and uphold and abide by certain gender stereotymes. Yes,

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Speaker 5: is it unmanly for your man to stay at home

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Speaker 5: and take care of the kids. Or if y'all don't

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Speaker 5: have kids and he takes care of the house like

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Speaker 5: he assists you in the work that you do that

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Speaker 5: provides for the household, do you think that it's unmanly?

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Speaker 2: Hey girl, Hey, we hope you're enjoying this conversation as

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Speaker 2: enjoy this commercial break as you process what we've been

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Speaker 2: tell you a bit more about what you can expect,

437
00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:19,359
Speaker 2: but first let me tell you about my latest meal. Now, Lady,

438
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:21,240
Speaker 2: I'm trying to be mindful about what I'm putting into

439
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:24,680
Speaker 2: my body, especially after I'm overindulged on Thanksgiving.

440
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:27,320
Speaker 5: No judgment, We could talk about it later, Okay.

441
00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:31,680
Speaker 2: Tonight I had Factors garlic and herb, roasted mushrooms with

442
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,639
Speaker 2: olive oil, mashed potatoes, roasted.

443
00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:35,800
Speaker 5: Green beans and tomatoes.

444
00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:38,040
Speaker 2: And when I tell you, it was so good and

445
00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:41,200
Speaker 2: extremely easy to prepare, Lady, you can literally just throw

446
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:42,879
Speaker 2: it in the microwave for two to three minutes.

447
00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:45,720
Speaker 5: I personally love to put it on the stove and my.

448
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:50,080
Speaker 2: Stainless steel pan and saltea for a couple of minutes

449
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:54,080
Speaker 2: and literally you're ready to go. I even ordered smoothies

450
00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:57,320
Speaker 2: that are ready to go. The strawberry banana smoothie is

451
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:58,359
Speaker 2: top tier. Lady.

452
00:26:58,400 --> 00:26:59,600
Speaker 5: You have to try it for your soap.

453
00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:02,960
Speaker 2: With Factor, you'll save time and stay on track with

454
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:06,359
Speaker 2: your healthy lifestyle while tackling all your holiday to dose.

455
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:07,800
Speaker 5: Ask me how I know.

456
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:12,000
Speaker 6: When it comes to meal propping Factor has got you covered.

457
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:16,320
Speaker 6: You order your meals a week in advance, you have

458
00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:21,080
Speaker 6: over thirty five options to choose from that meet whatever

459
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:26,840
Speaker 6: dietary needs you might have, and everything is high quality

460
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:31,760
Speaker 6: and delicious. So whether you are looking for calorie Smart,

461
00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:37,960
Speaker 6: vegan and veggie, Peto, Protein plus, you name it, they've

462
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:43,680
Speaker 6: got it and get this. The calorie Smart meals are

463
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:47,720
Speaker 6: less than five hundred and fifty calories per serving. Phil

464
00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:52,240
Speaker 6: will fill you up and still taste good. The lady,

465
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:56,920
Speaker 6: If you are looking to cut down on time during

466
00:27:56,920 --> 00:28:02,480
Speaker 6: this holiday season, sign up for to day. Head on

467
00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:07,240
Speaker 6: over to factormeeals dot com, slash her space five zero

468
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:11,959
Speaker 6: and use cold her space five zero to get fifty

469
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:17,680
Speaker 6: percent off. Again, that's cold her Space five zero at

470
00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:23,480
Speaker 6: factormeal dot com. Flash her space five zero to get

471
00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:24,680
Speaker 6: fifty percent off.

472
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:29,280
Speaker 2: Lady, If you're anything like us, then you grew up

473
00:28:29,359 --> 00:28:32,159
Speaker 2: listening to black radio. Whether it was in the morning

474
00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:34,680
Speaker 2: on the way to school and the evening coming home

475
00:28:34,720 --> 00:28:37,680
Speaker 2: from work, or late night. We were trying to get

476
00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:40,719
Speaker 2: in the mood. But have you ever wondered how your

477
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:44,360
Speaker 2: favorite DJs and radio hosts got their start or maybe

478
00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:47,600
Speaker 2: where they are now what Amplify Color is ready to

479
00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:51,200
Speaker 2: tell their stories? Listen in each week as host Ryan

480
00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:55,000
Speaker 2: Cameron unveils the rich history of black radio, highlighting the

481
00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:58,560
Speaker 2: trailblazers who have lessened enduring mark on the beloved platform

482
00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:01,320
Speaker 2: we enjoy. Today, we're about to play your clips. You

483
00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:05,000
Speaker 2: can hear about the podcast and their words while you're listening.

484
00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:07,760
Speaker 2: Make sure to follow Amplify Colored podcasts wherever you get

485
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:08,560
Speaker 2: your podcasts.

486
00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:14,280
Speaker 8: Hello world, you're tuning into Amplify Colors and I'm your host,

487
00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:17,160
Speaker 8: the Voice of Atlanta, Ryan Cameron. During the course of

488
00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:20,160
Speaker 8: this season, I'll share the stories of black trailblazers who

489
00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:23,400
Speaker 8: forever change the medium of radio, from the very first

490
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:27,120
Speaker 8: black DJs to groundbreakers like P. D. Green who changed

491
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:29,680
Speaker 8: what could be said on air and a night I'm

492
00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:32,400
Speaker 8: gonna tell it like it is from renaissance women Kathy

493
00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:35,360
Speaker 8: Hughes and Deanna Williams, to the DJs who help the

494
00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:36,800
Speaker 8: underground go mainstream.

495
00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:40,440
Speaker 2: Welcome once again to the world famous mister Magic and Rappajack.

496
00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:44,920
Speaker 8: And then go worldwide stretch George to them, Beggy, and

497
00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:47,280
Speaker 8: of course we've got great stories about the larger than

498
00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:53,200
Speaker 8: life personalities you know and love on the air today, it.

499
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:54,720
Speaker 2: Sounds like I'm having a lot of fun here on

500
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:57,440
Speaker 2: the radio, and i am life is great except for

501
00:29:57,600 --> 00:29:58,920
Speaker 2: all the stuff that sucks.

502
00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:01,400
Speaker 5: Who's this guy? Who is the one or two?

503
00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:05,880
Speaker 8: Then lessen the Amplified Color wherever you get your podcasts.

504
00:30:10,160 --> 00:30:13,080
Speaker 2: Make sure to follow the Amplify Color podcast wherever you

505
00:30:13,120 --> 00:30:18,040
Speaker 2: get your podcasts. All right, let's get back to the show.

506
00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:21,200
Speaker 5: Do you think that it's not fitting for him to

507
00:30:21,240 --> 00:30:24,960
Speaker 5: be doing that? What are your belief systems and how

508
00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:29,920
Speaker 5: is that impacting your relationship? Yes, yes, yes, amen to that.

509
00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:32,600
Speaker 2: I will say I've been in a situation where and

510
00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:37,080
Speaker 2: I've witnessed friends experienced situations where the man is not working,

511
00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:40,560
Speaker 2: has no like it's kind of dragging his feet with working,

512
00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:42,760
Speaker 2: and the woman is holding everything down, pain for everything,

513
00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:45,280
Speaker 2: and also even doing the domestic things right like at home.

514
00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:47,440
Speaker 5: And then I've been in a situation.

515
00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:53,160
Speaker 2: Where I was broke as a joke and then I

516
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:55,840
Speaker 2: began to elevate and started making more and there was

517
00:30:55,880 --> 00:30:58,600
Speaker 2: a shift, like you can it's a different dynamic, you know,

518
00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:01,520
Speaker 2: Like it's something that I don't think enough people talk about,

519
00:31:01,520 --> 00:31:06,440
Speaker 2: but it brings to the forefront, your feelings, your the

520
00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:10,320
Speaker 2: ginger roles, the stereotypes, even internalized patriarchy that you might

521
00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:12,160
Speaker 2: be supporting, you know what I mean. It brings all

522
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:14,760
Speaker 2: that to the surface. And so, lady, those are just

523
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:18,360
Speaker 2: some of the typical dynamics that we have seen. Again,

524
00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:20,680
Speaker 2: let us know if we missed anything. And I'm also lady,

525
00:31:20,720 --> 00:31:23,640
Speaker 2: this is a testament, so Domini, as we were, you know,

526
00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:26,480
Speaker 2: talking about this topic, we were adding content that we wanted.

527
00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:26,840
Speaker 5: To talk about.

528
00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:28,560
Speaker 2: And as I'm looking at the notes, a lot of

529
00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:30,000
Speaker 2: the shit that we talked about is not here. So

530
00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:32,160
Speaker 2: as you're talking, I'm trying to type in Lady, this

531
00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:34,040
Speaker 2: is just a testament to how the show must go on,

532
00:31:34,600 --> 00:31:36,400
Speaker 2: and you just got to keep on rolling with it.

533
00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:37,920
Speaker 2: And what we need to say is going to be

534
00:31:37,920 --> 00:31:40,960
Speaker 2: stated throughout the episode. If we miss something, give us

535
00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:44,440
Speaker 2: some forgiveness, give us some grace. So we talked about

536
00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:46,880
Speaker 2: the dynamics when it comes to the type of men

537
00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:51,120
Speaker 2: that we've been exposed to or that we've been aware

538
00:31:51,120 --> 00:31:56,240
Speaker 2: of based on personeering in these situations, we have our favorite,

539
00:31:56,520 --> 00:31:59,920
Speaker 2: the supporter who holds you down. I've definitely had that

540
00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:02,000
Speaker 2: experience and I'm so grateful for that. But the sport

541
00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:04,600
Speaker 2: who holds you down, they're not hating on you, They're

542
00:32:04,600 --> 00:32:06,400
Speaker 2: not jealous and not trying to bring you down. They're like, Yo,

543
00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:09,280
Speaker 2: whatever you need to do, boo, I gotcha. Is it laundry?

544
00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:10,440
Speaker 2: Does it take care of the kids?

545
00:32:10,920 --> 00:32:12,480
Speaker 5: Is it just holding you down?

546
00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:16,000
Speaker 2: Like that is so valuable because the same way that

547
00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:19,240
Speaker 2: they say behind every strong man, where they say behind

548
00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:23,000
Speaker 2: every successful man is a strong woman. Yeah, behind some

549
00:32:23,200 --> 00:32:26,000
Speaker 2: successful women, there are strong men that are holding them

550
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:28,200
Speaker 2: down as well, you know, so I think that's one

551
00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:30,480
Speaker 2: type then we have.

552
00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:36,960
Speaker 5: We will call here the non contributor. The non contributor,

553
00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:42,480
Speaker 5: the man who wants to be sick and care of. Yeah,

554
00:32:42,520 --> 00:32:52,040
Speaker 5: so he the gender stereotypical gender roles are reversed in

555
00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:58,680
Speaker 5: a completely imbalanced way. Yeah that this man recognizes sought

556
00:32:58,720 --> 00:33:03,120
Speaker 5: you out because you are making more than him, doing

557
00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:08,120
Speaker 5: more than him, and he expects you to take care

558
00:33:08,200 --> 00:33:13,520
Speaker 5: of him in all areas, but especially financially. He does

559
00:33:13,560 --> 00:33:16,680
Speaker 5: not contribute to you in any way.

560
00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:19,800
Speaker 2: There's a part of me that wants to be judgmental

561
00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:21,920
Speaker 2: about that when I hear that, But at the same time,

562
00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:24,080
Speaker 2: I'm trying to be open minded there are some women

563
00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:26,280
Speaker 2: who's that's the dynamic that.

564
00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:29,720
Speaker 5: They appreciate, and that's why I framed it as reversal.

565
00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:31,200
Speaker 2: I appreciate you doing that because there's part of the

566
00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:33,320
Speaker 2: side what But that's just my preference, like I don't

567
00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:36,760
Speaker 2: want to be the with a non contributor. But there

568
00:33:36,800 --> 00:33:40,760
Speaker 2: are some people like nothing but lady. That might be you,

569
00:33:40,880 --> 00:33:43,080
Speaker 2: Like you may be one that's like I, that's who

570
00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:45,040
Speaker 2: I am, and I like the dynamic.

571
00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:47,880
Speaker 5: It works for me to no judgment there, But I

572
00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:49,480
Speaker 5: just think that it goes back to what you said earlier.

573
00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:50,840
Speaker 2: And we're going to dive into this a bit deeper

574
00:33:50,840 --> 00:33:54,280
Speaker 2: about communication expectations, but that is one type they have.

575
00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:57,440
Speaker 2: One of the least favorite, which is like the jealous

576
00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:00,600
Speaker 2: hating asthma fuckers. That's just like just hating on you.

577
00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:02,480
Speaker 2: Like they're in your space, they're in your life, they're

578
00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:06,240
Speaker 2: your partner, but you can sense jealousy. You can sense

579
00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:08,759
Speaker 2: them trying to pull you down, you can sense them

580
00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:12,520
Speaker 2: trying to diminish your light, and they have a very

581
00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:17,520
Speaker 2: difficult time grappling with the fact that you are earning

582
00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:19,920
Speaker 2: more than them, that you are more successful than them,

583
00:34:19,920 --> 00:34:23,680
Speaker 2: that you have more visibility than them, and it's just

584
00:34:23,680 --> 00:34:25,680
Speaker 2: a sad situation to me. And I've experienced that as well,

585
00:34:25,719 --> 00:34:28,560
Speaker 2: where a partner has tried to like dim your light,

586
00:34:28,640 --> 00:34:30,319
Speaker 2: and it can really impact how far you go. It

587
00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:33,960
Speaker 2: can impact how how how you show up. And one

588
00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:36,160
Speaker 2: of the why is the words of wisdom I had

589
00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:38,880
Speaker 2: heard from an elder. You're you're many years ago with

590
00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:41,880
Speaker 2: your most one of your most important career decisions is

591
00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:44,120
Speaker 2: who you decide to marry or partner with, because that

592
00:34:44,200 --> 00:34:47,360
Speaker 2: really impacts you, like ladies, and if you haven't experiences,

593
00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:50,160
Speaker 2: imagine you wanting to travel for your career or you

594
00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:51,760
Speaker 2: want to go to the next level, and your partner

595
00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:53,600
Speaker 2: is they just hate and like, oh, I don't want

596
00:34:53,640 --> 00:34:54,080
Speaker 2: you to go there.

597
00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:56,640
Speaker 5: They're insecure. I don't want you talking to no men

598
00:34:56,800 --> 00:34:57,520
Speaker 5: when it's like at the.

599
00:34:57,520 --> 00:35:00,480
Speaker 2: Part of networking, you know, So that can be extremely

600
00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:02,799
Speaker 2: detrimental the ones career in life if you have a

601
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:03,680
Speaker 2: hating as partner.

602
00:35:03,840 --> 00:35:09,920
Speaker 5: Yes, in our lives, no one of my one of

603
00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:16,680
Speaker 5: my other favorites is the person who is we're gonna

604
00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:21,120
Speaker 5: call him the evolved man, yes, right, And so the

605
00:35:21,239 --> 00:35:25,799
Speaker 5: evolved man is the one who does not necessarily at

606
00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:29,720
Speaker 5: least in this respect when it comes to finance, does

607
00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:35,440
Speaker 5: not subscribe to the typical gender role stereotypes and expectations.

608
00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:41,399
Speaker 5: He is one who is clear that you make more

609
00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:45,279
Speaker 5: than him. He is okay with it. But he is

610
00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:50,799
Speaker 5: also not necessarily the person who is your supporter or assistant.

611
00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:55,880
Speaker 5: He has his own thing going and and enjoys having

612
00:35:55,880 --> 00:36:00,720
Speaker 5: his own thing going. But there's no no ill will.

613
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:08,040
Speaker 5: There is no negativity surrounding you making more than him

614
00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:12,960
Speaker 5: for him. In some cases, with the evolved man, you

615
00:36:13,080 --> 00:36:15,239
Speaker 5: making more than him as a non factor. You will

616
00:36:15,400 --> 00:36:19,560
Speaker 5: negotiate finances, have a great conversation about gender role expectations,

617
00:36:19,840 --> 00:36:21,319
Speaker 5: and things work well for you.

618
00:36:21,360 --> 00:36:21,520
Speaker 6: All.

619
00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:24,399
Speaker 5: Yeah, that's a good call.

620
00:36:24,440 --> 00:36:26,000
Speaker 2: I'm glad you remember that too, because that was one

621
00:36:26,000 --> 00:36:27,839
Speaker 2: of the one that we talked about, so we had that.

622
00:36:27,880 --> 00:36:29,960
Speaker 2: We already talked about the man who falls ill or

623
00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:32,200
Speaker 2: something changes that he can't work. So those are just

624
00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:35,239
Speaker 2: a few of the I want to say personas that

625
00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:39,160
Speaker 2: we have heard about our experience, and then I think

626
00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:42,120
Speaker 2: it'd be neat for us to each talk about our perspectives,

627
00:36:42,120 --> 00:36:43,680
Speaker 2: like where do we stand on this today? Because I

628
00:36:43,719 --> 00:36:47,040
Speaker 2: know back in the day, I feel like I probably

629
00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:50,439
Speaker 2: had that perspective of like I need to be Like, well,

630
00:36:50,600 --> 00:36:52,759
Speaker 2: I've always been very independent, like I was waised to

631
00:36:52,760 --> 00:36:55,920
Speaker 2: be very independent, So I never felt like I needed

632
00:36:55,920 --> 00:37:00,359
Speaker 2: a man to have a certain lifestyle. But a man

633
00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:05,200
Speaker 2: who's a bread winner or who is contributing significantly is important.

634
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:07,440
Speaker 2: And so I think it'd be neat for us to

635
00:37:07,480 --> 00:37:09,120
Speaker 2: just talk about, like what is your opinion on this

636
00:37:09,280 --> 00:37:11,279
Speaker 2: topic today, Like could you be with a man who

637
00:37:12,080 --> 00:37:14,359
Speaker 2: does not earn as much as you or is not

638
00:37:14,400 --> 00:37:15,000
Speaker 2: as late as you?

639
00:37:15,040 --> 00:37:15,239
Speaker 5: Could?

640
00:37:15,239 --> 00:37:18,160
Speaker 2: You got, like, you know, one of the top one percent,

641
00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:21,160
Speaker 2: a podcast in the top one percent, so like how

642
00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:22,719
Speaker 2: do you feel about your apartment?

643
00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:30,000
Speaker 5: So you know, honestly, I'm want someone ideally who can

644
00:37:30,120 --> 00:37:34,200
Speaker 5: keep up with my lifestyle and we have a meaning

645
00:37:34,360 --> 00:37:40,160
Speaker 5: also that we have shared values, right, and so it

646
00:37:40,200 --> 00:37:43,120
Speaker 5: doesn't necessarily mean that he's going to make more than me,

647
00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:49,400
Speaker 5: but we're able to like the lifestyle that I currently have,

648
00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:54,000
Speaker 5: we are able to maintain or surpass it, right, and

649
00:37:56,200 --> 00:38:00,480
Speaker 5: it's not falling all on me. Yeah right, Yeah, And

650
00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:04,799
Speaker 5: so for me, what that looks like is I need

651
00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:08,960
Speaker 5: someone who is encouraging and supportive of what I do.

652
00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:13,360
Speaker 5: And because I know that I'm naturally going to return

653
00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:17,000
Speaker 5: that like that's just who I am, right, and if

654
00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:23,040
Speaker 5: I need someone who is competent in themselves so that

655
00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:27,560
Speaker 5: anything that I do is not perceived as a threat

656
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:36,600
Speaker 5: to them, and that they are what they are. Their

657
00:38:36,800 --> 00:38:40,480
Speaker 5: role in my life is to be my helpmate, to

658
00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:45,200
Speaker 5: be my supporter, to be my apartment. Right, there's no

659
00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:50,560
Speaker 5: need for competition, and it's if I got it, we

660
00:38:50,680 --> 00:38:55,640
Speaker 5: got it coming from both sides, right for sure. Now

661
00:38:56,640 --> 00:38:59,200
Speaker 5: in an ideal way, come on, talk about the ideal

662
00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:06,520
Speaker 5: and dear world. I would like someone who's making a

663
00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:13,120
Speaker 5: lot more than me and can like naturally like elevate

664
00:39:13,239 --> 00:39:19,399
Speaker 5: my lifeside. Right, doctor, I'm trying to be blown out

665
00:39:19,400 --> 00:39:24,919
Speaker 5: on private jets. Life gets just saying okay. However, I'm

666
00:39:24,960 --> 00:39:29,880
Speaker 5: also very aware of the reality, and the reality is

667
00:39:29,920 --> 00:39:35,080
Speaker 5: that most people cannot afford that, and so more than

668
00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:38,920
Speaker 5: likely my next partner is not going to be someone

669
00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:42,120
Speaker 5: who's like flying me out on a private jet. But

670
00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:45,759
Speaker 5: but I can damn sure guarantee that we are going

671
00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:51,759
Speaker 5: to be aligned in our values and he is going

672
00:39:51,840 --> 00:39:55,359
Speaker 5: to again be someone who is comfortable and confident for

673
00:39:55,400 --> 00:40:00,560
Speaker 5: sure and who he is and not intimidated or threaten

674
00:40:01,360 --> 00:40:09,520
Speaker 5: or jealous, Yeah, or insecure by where I am in life,

675
00:40:09,560 --> 00:40:13,760
Speaker 5: Like if like he's supportive of that, we are aligned

676
00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:14,319
Speaker 5: in that way.

677
00:40:14,520 --> 00:40:17,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree with everything you said, Domin. I think

678
00:40:17,719 --> 00:40:20,720
Speaker 2: just as a general, I think my perspective has shifted

679
00:40:20,760 --> 00:40:22,279
Speaker 2: over the years. I do want to lean into what

680
00:40:22,280 --> 00:40:24,439
Speaker 2: you said about the idea because I think as hard

681
00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:27,759
Speaker 2: working women in an ideal world, Hell yeah, it'd be

682
00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:31,200
Speaker 2: great to be spoiled to be able to I feel

683
00:40:31,239 --> 00:40:32,560
Speaker 2: like my dad used to do this with my mom,

684
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:34,600
Speaker 2: where she would get money, she would keep her money.

685
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:36,520
Speaker 2: He would give her I don't want to say a lance,

686
00:40:36,560 --> 00:40:38,040
Speaker 2: but he would give her some bread to go, get

687
00:40:38,080 --> 00:40:40,000
Speaker 2: her nails and stuff done, to take care of things

688
00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:42,600
Speaker 2: in the household. And so I think it's it's always

689
00:40:42,680 --> 00:40:44,960
Speaker 2: nice to be spoiled, right, Like it'd be so it's

690
00:40:45,120 --> 00:40:47,960
Speaker 2: nice to have someone you know pay your bills or

691
00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:50,120
Speaker 2: expenses and then you keep your money that you're earning

692
00:40:50,160 --> 00:40:52,160
Speaker 2: for whatever you want to do. Like, I think that's

693
00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:54,759
Speaker 2: something that I did witness in some ways growing up.

694
00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:56,680
Speaker 2: But I think that's a great dynamic. I do want

695
00:40:56,719 --> 00:40:59,359
Speaker 2: to say, I think fuck Ginger Roles, Like I think

696
00:40:59,400 --> 00:41:02,680
Speaker 2: that Yeah, whatever works for you within your relationship is

697
00:41:02,719 --> 00:41:05,480
Speaker 2: what you should do. So if your man is doing

698
00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:08,319
Speaker 2: the laundry and the dishes, and I know it may

699
00:41:08,360 --> 00:41:11,320
Speaker 2: sound wild, lady, but if you're you know, changing the oil,

700
00:41:11,360 --> 00:41:12,000
Speaker 2: whatever it might be.

701
00:41:12,040 --> 00:41:14,680
Speaker 5: Like, whatever works for y'all works for y'all. Know, somebody

702
00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:18,440
Speaker 5: gonna come in my house and cook, and Queen, I

703
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:23,279
Speaker 5: might marry him today, and you cook well, you cook

704
00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:26,400
Speaker 5: well if you just do it for you.

705
00:41:26,440 --> 00:41:28,240
Speaker 2: I feel like you live in a world where people

706
00:41:28,280 --> 00:41:31,760
Speaker 2: on social media try to just generalize everything and ladies

707
00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:34,520
Speaker 2: blankets out for everyone and what everyone should do, and

708
00:41:34,760 --> 00:41:37,799
Speaker 2: it doesn't. It's literally, lady, whatever works for you. I

709
00:41:37,840 --> 00:41:41,799
Speaker 2: do think that communication needs to be had, which we

710
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:43,719
Speaker 2: talked about earlier, and I think that a couple of

711
00:41:43,760 --> 00:41:46,520
Speaker 2: things that are important to communicate, right. I think it's

712
00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:50,200
Speaker 2: important to communicate, by Donald was saying earlier, your values,

713
00:41:50,719 --> 00:41:53,359
Speaker 2: the gender roles that you all want to abide by,

714
00:41:53,600 --> 00:41:55,920
Speaker 2: even digging into what were you taught and what did

715
00:41:55,960 --> 00:41:58,040
Speaker 2: you see grown up. I remember a friend of mine,

716
00:41:58,480 --> 00:42:01,600
Speaker 2: she her husband was very close to his mom, and

717
00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:04,120
Speaker 2: so he had a certain expectation of what his woman

718
00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:05,640
Speaker 2: should do based on what his mom did. And one

719
00:42:05,680 --> 00:42:07,560
Speaker 2: of the big things for them was like Sunday dinner.

720
00:42:07,960 --> 00:42:10,560
Speaker 2: He expected Sunday dinner every Sunday because his mom did that,

721
00:42:10,600 --> 00:42:12,480
Speaker 2: and he wanted his right to do that. But if

722
00:42:12,520 --> 00:42:14,120
Speaker 2: that's not what she signed up for and that's not

723
00:42:14,160 --> 00:42:16,279
Speaker 2: what her perspective of being a good wife is, there

724
00:42:16,360 --> 00:42:18,560
Speaker 2: needs to be a conversation on where what are your

725
00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:21,680
Speaker 2: expectations of me as a partner, What are my expectations

726
00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:24,279
Speaker 2: of you? Where are we willing to compromise and negotiate

727
00:42:24,560 --> 00:42:26,040
Speaker 2: and kind of meet in the middle and build our

728
00:42:26,080 --> 00:42:29,040
Speaker 2: own generals for our relationship. Those are things that need

729
00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:31,799
Speaker 2: to be discussed. I also think that in this world

730
00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:34,160
Speaker 2: that we're living in, a lot of people we've had

731
00:42:34,160 --> 00:42:37,920
Speaker 2: conversations about this on the podcast people exploring a poly lifestyle.

732
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:40,120
Speaker 2: So maybe here in a space where you're like, you

733
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:44,600
Speaker 2: know what, I have one man who were like very

734
00:42:44,640 --> 00:42:48,680
Speaker 2: compatible sexually and so you can feel the sexual checklist right,

735
00:42:49,040 --> 00:42:51,680
Speaker 2: so boom, Then I have another man where it's more financial.

736
00:42:51,719 --> 00:42:55,400
Speaker 2: So I think also figuring out what relationship dynamics and

737
00:42:55,440 --> 00:42:58,719
Speaker 2: how you relate to those partners work for you caretaking

738
00:42:58,719 --> 00:43:00,799
Speaker 2: with the kids, Like are you called with your man

739
00:43:01,440 --> 00:43:03,600
Speaker 2: being a stay at home dad while you go work.

740
00:43:04,520 --> 00:43:07,080
Speaker 2: Is it gonna shift how you see him? Are you

741
00:43:07,160 --> 00:43:10,600
Speaker 2: gonna low key be emasculating him because of the roles

742
00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:12,759
Speaker 2: that he's taking on because he's doing the cooking, because

743
00:43:12,760 --> 00:43:14,560
Speaker 2: he's doing the dishes, and launch you're like, are you

744
00:43:14,560 --> 00:43:16,359
Speaker 2: gonna look at him differently? I feel like we need

745
00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:18,759
Speaker 2: to be aware of that within ourselves, like how are

746
00:43:18,760 --> 00:43:20,040
Speaker 2: we feeding into patriarchy?

747
00:43:20,120 --> 00:43:21,960
Speaker 5: But then also do.

748
00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:25,400
Speaker 2: We have some low key resentment because of the roles

749
00:43:25,400 --> 00:43:26,560
Speaker 2: that we're having, right?

750
00:43:26,600 --> 00:43:28,960
Speaker 5: And I think that's why it's important before you even

751
00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:33,280
Speaker 5: get to the flint being like in a committed relationship,

752
00:43:33,680 --> 00:43:38,040
Speaker 5: when you're dating, Yeah, I have those conversations about gender

753
00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:43,400
Speaker 5: role expectations, right, like do you have like and really

754
00:43:43,520 --> 00:43:47,080
Speaker 5: also taking time to request for yourself because things evolve

755
00:43:47,200 --> 00:43:52,960
Speaker 5: over time, right exactly, and really thinking about what works

756
00:43:52,960 --> 00:43:57,960
Speaker 5: for you. Like I know, personally, I appreciate when a

757
00:43:58,080 --> 00:44:02,760
Speaker 5: man opens the door for me, and like if I

758
00:44:02,760 --> 00:44:06,280
Speaker 5: if we're in a car, we're traveling somewhere and he comes,

759
00:44:06,560 --> 00:44:09,719
Speaker 5: like we are walking up to the car and he

760
00:44:09,760 --> 00:44:13,440
Speaker 5: opens the door for me, Great, thank you. I appreciate that.

761
00:44:15,400 --> 00:44:18,800
Speaker 5: Now this is the debate that I've had with different

762
00:44:18,840 --> 00:44:23,239
Speaker 5: with girlfriends over time of like when we get to

763
00:44:23,280 --> 00:44:27,799
Speaker 5: the destination, right, do you sit and wait for him

764
00:44:28,200 --> 00:44:30,520
Speaker 5: to come and open the door for you or do

765
00:44:30,560 --> 00:44:33,759
Speaker 5: you get out on your own? Personally, I get out

766
00:44:33,760 --> 00:44:38,319
Speaker 5: of my own because I am able body that I'm

767
00:44:38,360 --> 00:44:42,239
Speaker 5: capable of opening the door for myself exactly. Now, I

768
00:44:42,280 --> 00:44:45,520
Speaker 5: will say a caveat to that. If we are going

769
00:44:45,640 --> 00:44:50,239
Speaker 5: someplace and it's like a special event and I'm like

770
00:44:50,480 --> 00:44:53,440
Speaker 5: dolled up and like all down whatever some type of

771
00:44:53,480 --> 00:44:56,640
Speaker 5: fancy shit, Yeah, yeah, you're gonna come help me out

772
00:44:56,680 --> 00:44:58,440
Speaker 5: the car, especially if I'm like I got high heels

773
00:44:58,440 --> 00:45:00,239
Speaker 5: on the way. Actually, you're gonna come help me out

774
00:45:00,239 --> 00:45:04,560
Speaker 5: the car. Other than that, I don't that doesn't I

775
00:45:04,600 --> 00:45:07,680
Speaker 5: don't really care about that, right, sure, But it's little

776
00:45:07,680 --> 00:45:13,319
Speaker 5: things like that that are important conversations to have with

777
00:45:13,560 --> 00:45:17,080
Speaker 5: your partner so that you all are on you all

778
00:45:17,120 --> 00:45:20,719
Speaker 5: are clear on what the expectation is. Right, if you're

779
00:45:20,840 --> 00:45:26,560
Speaker 5: dating someone and you know you make more than him,

780
00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:29,280
Speaker 5: or you were assuming because maybe we haven't talked salary,

781
00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:35,040
Speaker 5: but the assumption is that you make more than him,

782
00:45:35,880 --> 00:45:38,600
Speaker 5: then to me, it's important to have that dialogue of

783
00:45:39,560 --> 00:45:42,279
Speaker 5: how does that bee how does that make him feel? Yeah?

784
00:45:43,120 --> 00:45:46,840
Speaker 5: What how does that feel for you? And again going

785
00:45:46,920 --> 00:45:50,319
Speaker 5: back to the gender role expectations, because it may be

786
00:45:50,880 --> 00:45:54,719
Speaker 5: that as we're dating, as we're getting to know each other,

787
00:45:55,600 --> 00:45:59,360
Speaker 5: it's as the man, he believes that he should be

788
00:45:59,400 --> 00:46:01,719
Speaker 5: the provider or whether he makes more than you or not.

789
00:46:02,160 --> 00:46:06,279
Speaker 5: So he's gonna pay for everywhere y'all go? Are you

790
00:46:06,440 --> 00:46:09,520
Speaker 5: okay with that? Like, that's his stance, But are you

791
00:46:09,680 --> 00:46:10,279
Speaker 5: okay with that?

792
00:46:10,520 --> 00:46:10,719
Speaker 6: Right?

793
00:46:10,920 --> 00:46:13,520
Speaker 5: Because that might mean that if he pays for everything,

794
00:46:15,200 --> 00:46:18,640
Speaker 5: he might not be able to pay for you going

795
00:46:18,680 --> 00:46:24,960
Speaker 5: to like maybe you want to take that trip to Tahiti,

796
00:46:25,800 --> 00:46:29,319
Speaker 5: and maybe that trip is gonna cost ten thousand dollars, right,

797
00:46:30,239 --> 00:46:32,200
Speaker 5: you know, the way your pockets are set up that

798
00:46:32,239 --> 00:46:36,400
Speaker 5: you can easily afford that, But for him, it's gonna

799
00:46:36,520 --> 00:46:40,360
Speaker 5: take him two or three months to really work hard

800
00:46:40,480 --> 00:46:42,799
Speaker 5: and maybe have some side hustles to be able to

801
00:46:42,840 --> 00:46:46,399
Speaker 5: afford that. But he wants to do that for you.

802
00:46:47,640 --> 00:46:52,399
Speaker 5: Are you okay with that? Right? Those are the types

803
00:46:52,440 --> 00:46:55,440
Speaker 5: of conversations that you need to have when you're dating

804
00:46:56,239 --> 00:46:59,280
Speaker 5: to and it would be an on going conversation within

805
00:46:59,360 --> 00:47:02,759
Speaker 5: the relationship to make sure that you all are constantly

806
00:47:02,880 --> 00:47:05,200
Speaker 5: on the same page. Yes you.

807
00:47:05,360 --> 00:47:08,439
Speaker 2: I cannot stress that enough. Down the checking in periodically

808
00:47:08,440 --> 00:47:10,960
Speaker 2: because as things change, especially when you have one of

809
00:47:11,040 --> 00:47:14,239
Speaker 2: those mid relationship changes where the dynamic was pretty set

810
00:47:14,280 --> 00:47:17,399
Speaker 2: in stone before and then there's a shift, it can

811
00:47:17,440 --> 00:47:20,839
Speaker 2: be huge for everyone, Like you can have your own

812
00:47:20,840 --> 00:47:22,279
Speaker 2: shifts and then he can have his own shifts. One

813
00:47:22,320 --> 00:47:25,080
Speaker 2: of the things I also think about is coddling, like

814
00:47:25,239 --> 00:47:28,440
Speaker 2: you know, as women sometimes and this is from personal experience,

815
00:47:28,440 --> 00:47:31,560
Speaker 2: but also talking to other women, when a man is struggling,

816
00:47:31,600 --> 00:47:35,120
Speaker 2: it's like, Okay, I'm earning more. How could I make

817
00:47:35,200 --> 00:47:37,080
Speaker 2: him feel comfortable? How can I make sure that I'm like,

818
00:47:37,560 --> 00:47:41,680
Speaker 2: you know, not emasculating him. And what does coddling look like?

819
00:47:41,760 --> 00:47:41,920
Speaker 5: Right?

820
00:47:41,960 --> 00:47:44,560
Speaker 2: So is it that you know he doesn't have gas money,

821
00:47:44,600 --> 00:47:45,640
Speaker 2: or you know he doesn't have a lot of money,

822
00:47:45,680 --> 00:47:47,960
Speaker 2: but you let him drive the car. Like I'm not

823
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:49,719
Speaker 2: saying that's right or wrong. I'm just saying it's something

824
00:47:49,719 --> 00:47:52,520
Speaker 2: that I've seen women do. I've done it before, and

825
00:47:52,560 --> 00:47:55,040
Speaker 2: so it's like, how do you navigate that. That's why

826
00:47:55,040 --> 00:47:58,480
Speaker 2: I think therapy is so important because personally, I'm not

827
00:47:58,520 --> 00:48:01,200
Speaker 2: a fan of the performative thing, Like you know, I've

828
00:48:01,200 --> 00:48:03,680
Speaker 2: even seen and experiences where you know you're going out,

829
00:48:03,719 --> 00:48:05,439
Speaker 2: you got the money, but you give him the car

830
00:48:05,560 --> 00:48:07,480
Speaker 2: to give to the person. Some of that is just

831
00:48:07,520 --> 00:48:10,040
Speaker 2: it doesn't feel very authentic where based on where I

832
00:48:10,040 --> 00:48:12,200
Speaker 2: am today. So that's why, lady, I think therapy is

833
00:48:12,239 --> 00:48:14,719
Speaker 2: so important because that way he can go address his

834
00:48:14,760 --> 00:48:18,279
Speaker 2: stuff and understand how he can, you know, how he

835
00:48:18,280 --> 00:48:21,400
Speaker 2: can define his identity and masculinity that's not tied to

836
00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:25,560
Speaker 2: the thing that society said they should be tied to.

837
00:48:25,840 --> 00:48:27,759
Speaker 2: And then how you can also shift your perspective. So

838
00:48:28,560 --> 00:48:29,600
Speaker 2: lots to consider here.

839
00:48:30,200 --> 00:48:35,359
Speaker 5: Yes, yes, so you know, I think the key takeaway here,

840
00:48:35,480 --> 00:48:38,120
Speaker 5: lady is going back to our cold of the day

841
00:48:38,760 --> 00:48:44,000
Speaker 5: of rejecting not only the stereotypes that others hold of us,

842
00:48:44,040 --> 00:48:47,600
Speaker 5: but also the stereotypes that we hold of ourselves. Shout

843
00:48:47,600 --> 00:48:52,879
Speaker 5: out to shirtlets just hey we're good.

844
00:48:52,960 --> 00:48:55,239
Speaker 2: Yeah, praise the Lord. Okay, lady, we hope you enjoyed

845
00:48:55,280 --> 00:48:57,480
Speaker 2: these episodes. We want to make sure the episode is

846
00:48:57,520 --> 00:48:59,160
Speaker 2: long enough for you. So I'm like, wait, how long

847
00:48:59,200 --> 00:49:01,480
Speaker 2: do we do this? But lady, we appreciate you listening.

848
00:49:01,480 --> 00:49:03,759
Speaker 2: We're going to go ahead and start the after show. Now,

849
00:49:03,760 --> 00:49:05,959
Speaker 2: have a deeper conversation, maybe with a little bit more tea.

850
00:49:06,200 --> 00:49:09,040
Speaker 2: So head on over to herspacepodcast dot com, click on

851
00:49:09,080 --> 00:49:11,800
Speaker 2: Wisdom Wednesday with Terry at the top, and subscribe to

852
00:49:11,880 --> 00:49:15,319
Speaker 2: our Patreon to support a black founded, black owned, and

853
00:49:15,360 --> 00:49:18,160
Speaker 2: black funded business, which is the Cultivating her Space Podcast.

854
00:49:18,480 --> 00:49:20,319
Speaker 5: But we appreciate you for watching and tuning it.

855
00:49:20,800 --> 00:49:26,560
Speaker 3: Thanks for joining us today. Please note that our show

856
00:49:26,600 --> 00:49:32,520
Speaker 3: may contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment, and

857
00:49:32,640 --> 00:49:35,759
Speaker 3: mental health, but is by no means meant to be

858
00:49:35,800 --> 00:49:40,120
Speaker 3: a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship with a trained

859
00:49:40,160 --> 00:49:44,200
Speaker 3: mental health provider. If you are someone you know is

860
00:49:44,239 --> 00:49:47,560
Speaker 3: in need of mental health care, please visit a Therapy

861
00:49:47,600 --> 00:49:53,520
Speaker 3: for Black Girls directory Psychology today or contact your insurance provider.

862
00:49:53,880 --> 00:49:55,600
Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

863
00:49:55,640 --> 00:49:59,799
Speaker 2: the conversation going, visit our website at Herspace podcast dot

864
00:49:59,880 --> 00:50:02,719
Speaker 2: com and be sure to click the Patreon tab to

865
00:50:02,719 --> 00:50:06,680
Speaker 2: get access to video content bonuses in our weekly after

866
00:50:06,800 --> 00:50:11,120
Speaker 2: show and before we meet again, repeat after me. Every

867
00:50:11,239 --> 00:50:14,719
Speaker 2: dream within me exists because it's possible