WEBVTT - Validation Addiction 0:00:00.920 --> 0:00:04.200 This is he said a YADIHO with Eric Winter and 0:00:04.280 --> 0:00:05.240 Rosalind Fantev. 0:00:09.160 --> 0:00:12.520 Today we have a very fun guest. I'm so excited 0:00:13.480 --> 0:00:15.159 to chat with her. This is gonna be a lot 0:00:15.200 --> 0:00:20.000 of fun. Maury Fontanez. She is an entrepreneurial woman who 0:00:20.079 --> 0:00:24.000 has been really lifting up. She guides Fortune five hundred 0:00:24.040 --> 0:00:27.280 companies and c suite leaders, performers, and other public figures 0:00:27.360 --> 0:00:30.600 to navigate change, challenges, and growth in both their personal 0:00:30.600 --> 0:00:33.400 and professional lives. She has a new book coming out 0:00:33.440 --> 0:00:35.360 that we'll get to talk about. She has a podcast. 0:00:35.400 --> 0:00:37.640 She has so much going on. I need some help. 0:00:37.720 --> 0:00:39.960 Let's see what she can do for me in the 0:00:40.000 --> 0:00:42.520 short period of time. But I love chatting with people 0:00:42.520 --> 0:00:44.640 like this, so I'm excited to have her on. Let's 0:00:44.760 --> 0:00:48.040 go ahead and bring her in, Maury, As I said, 0:00:48.080 --> 0:00:51.880 I just introduced you as someone who's helping change and 0:00:52.400 --> 0:00:54.520 lift people up in all aspects of life. But you 0:00:54.640 --> 0:01:01.000 are an intuitive life and leadership coach. We have friends 0:01:01.080 --> 0:01:04.000 that work in the space of life coaching. I know 0:01:04.080 --> 0:01:06.319 a lot about that space, and some of them work 0:01:06.360 --> 0:01:08.200 with big companies as well, But I believe there's a 0:01:08.200 --> 0:01:12.080 big distinction working with a Fortune five hundred CEO or 0:01:12.160 --> 0:01:14.400 leader of a company versus someone like me who's going 0:01:14.440 --> 0:01:18.120 through my own personal stuff you know all the time. First, 0:01:18.160 --> 0:01:19.880 just talk to me a little bit about how you 0:01:20.040 --> 0:01:22.959 got into this space, because I've always found that fascinating, 0:01:23.000 --> 0:01:25.200 even with my friends that are in it. What drove 0:01:25.280 --> 0:01:28.600 you to pursue that as a career, Yeah. 0:01:28.240 --> 0:01:29.440 I mean, listen. 0:01:29.480 --> 0:01:31.600 I always say that I don't have the traditional path 0:01:31.640 --> 0:01:34.240 into this kind of guidance and teaching because a lot 0:01:34.240 --> 0:01:37.800 of my work is actually fundamentally spiritual, right. It's about 0:01:37.880 --> 0:01:42.080 learning what your soul desires and following that truth. But 0:01:42.160 --> 0:01:45.400 I come from a background of crisis management for fortune 0:01:45.400 --> 0:01:49.000 one hundred CEOs and companies and public personalities in the 0:01:49.080 --> 0:01:52.520 entertainment industry. So basically I was the person running into 0:01:52.520 --> 0:01:54.559 the fire that people had created that they were. 0:01:54.520 --> 0:01:55.200 Running out of. 0:01:55.720 --> 0:01:59.520 And I spent twenty years doing this, writing messages for 0:01:59.600 --> 0:02:03.680 people to say to re earn the trust they had 0:02:03.760 --> 0:02:08.560 lost in whatever public scandal had happened. And I did this, 0:02:08.760 --> 0:02:11.840 and I did it well, and I continue to grow 0:02:11.919 --> 0:02:16.720 in that space until I hit a point where honestly, 0:02:16.760 --> 0:02:20.120 I kind of had my own crisis internally, which was 0:02:20.680 --> 0:02:23.560 what am I doing Why am I writing a bunch 0:02:23.560 --> 0:02:27.160 of words that people are saying that they don't believe. 0:02:27.600 --> 0:02:30.200 And more importantly, why do. 0:02:30.160 --> 0:02:33.239 They get into crisis to begin with? And that question 0:02:34.000 --> 0:02:35.480 became the north. 0:02:35.240 --> 0:02:38.440 Star for the rest of my life. And I started 0:02:38.480 --> 0:02:40.680 to pursue answering that question. 0:02:40.680 --> 0:02:43.239 And what I found was I do it because I'm 0:02:43.240 --> 0:02:47.160 deeply intuitive, and that means I know the answer to 0:02:47.360 --> 0:02:51.040 the problem. Why do I know it because I don't 0:02:51.040 --> 0:02:54.640 have fear in that moment, because it's not my crisis. 0:02:55.800 --> 0:02:59.560 What blocks us from our intuition is the fear. And 0:02:59.600 --> 0:03:03.720 so I set out to start coaching people to learn 0:03:03.760 --> 0:03:07.200 how to reclaim that inner wisdom so that they could 0:03:07.200 --> 0:03:10.079 avoid those moments, but also so that they could learn to. 0:03:10.080 --> 0:03:11.240 Trust themselves again. 0:03:11.560 --> 0:03:14.480 And I made a hard left and started a whole 0:03:14.480 --> 0:03:15.440 new career from there. 0:03:16.120 --> 0:03:18.760 It makes it makes sense, and I feel, you know, 0:03:18.760 --> 0:03:21.400 it's interesting about what you do right, because it is. 0:03:21.600 --> 0:03:23.919 I truly believe it's a gift when someone can tap 0:03:24.000 --> 0:03:28.440 into that and know that what their intuition, what their 0:03:28.480 --> 0:03:31.079 gut is saying, can really help somebody if they take 0:03:31.120 --> 0:03:33.519 it to heart and they apply it. And I'm assuming 0:03:33.800 --> 0:03:35.640 because you said yourself like you have your own fires 0:03:35.680 --> 0:03:37.440 you deal with right, And I don't know, do you 0:03:38.120 --> 0:03:40.880 ever work with your own life coach as well? Because 0:03:40.880 --> 0:03:42.200 I have a lot of life coaches. I know work 0:03:42.240 --> 0:03:44.760 with life coaches too. Oh yeah, I has you need 0:03:44.800 --> 0:03:47.000 someone from the outside the hundred percent. 0:03:47.120 --> 0:03:50.920 I have mentors, I have healers, I have somatic coaches. 0:03:51.080 --> 0:03:54.160 I you know, I believe in, you know, the Eastern 0:03:54.200 --> 0:03:57.120 medicine kind of way of multiple modalities all at once 0:03:57.200 --> 0:04:00.920 and ofsing of addressing us as humans as an energy system. 0:04:01.280 --> 0:04:05.000 So I work with all kinds of teachers of guides, 0:04:05.320 --> 0:04:08.480 but also I follow my own method. Like I tell 0:04:08.520 --> 0:04:11.760 my clients, I would never ask you to do something 0:04:11.840 --> 0:04:13.840 I either haven't done or I'm not in the process 0:04:13.880 --> 0:04:18.800 of doing right now, because I believe that Guru's guides 0:04:18.960 --> 0:04:21.640 teachers are not meant to be up ahead of us, 0:04:21.720 --> 0:04:24.599 They're meant to be walking next to us. So I'm 0:04:24.640 --> 0:04:28.520 doing the work alongside people of healing my little self, 0:04:28.640 --> 0:04:32.039 of tapping into my higher self one hundred times a day. 0:04:32.440 --> 0:04:36.160 And I really teach from that embodied state of working 0:04:36.160 --> 0:04:37.280 on myself constantly. 0:04:38.279 --> 0:04:39.960 I mean, and that makes sense and it's great to 0:04:39.960 --> 0:04:42.400 hear as well, because a lot of times when someone 0:04:42.440 --> 0:04:44.640 goes to help you, you're like, wait, but do you 0:04:44.720 --> 0:04:46.920 actually practice what you preach? You know what I mean? 0:04:47.000 --> 0:04:49.599 And do you apply it? Because it's so easy to 0:04:49.640 --> 0:04:52.000 sit on the end. Not easy, but it's there's an 0:04:52.040 --> 0:04:55.120 ability to sit on the outside and guide people but 0:04:55.279 --> 0:04:57.640 not follow your own words of wisdom. And I even 0:04:57.680 --> 0:05:00.200 will debate my wife about this sometimes I'm like me, 0:05:00.240 --> 0:05:02.480 all kinds of advice, but do you take your own advice? 0:05:02.520 --> 0:05:05.880 Sometimes yeah, And it's hard to take their advice when 0:05:06.440 --> 0:05:08.400 you feel like, oh, well, you're not taking the risk 0:05:08.440 --> 0:05:10.360 of doing the courageous thing, and like, don't you feel 0:05:10.400 --> 0:05:13.200 eric like you could tell when you're with someone a guide, 0:05:13.200 --> 0:05:15.839 a teacher, or a healer, a therapist, and you're just like, ooh, 0:05:15.880 --> 0:05:18.560 it feels like you're saying things you don't actually like 0:05:18.960 --> 0:05:21.640 take in cellularly, like can't totally yea. 0:05:23.680 --> 0:05:26.000 You know, there's a couple of topics that my producers 0:05:26.000 --> 0:05:28.039 are brought up that I found fascinating. One of them 0:05:28.320 --> 0:05:31.520 right away that struck a chord was especially in my business, 0:05:31.560 --> 0:05:35.600 is validation addiction. Something that I know you've tapped into 0:05:35.920 --> 0:05:38.360 and spoke a lot about share with our listeners. A 0:05:38.400 --> 0:05:40.640 little bit about your definition of that, and then I 0:05:40.640 --> 0:05:42.640 want to talk to you about my thoughts and get 0:05:42.640 --> 0:05:43.080 into that. 0:05:43.360 --> 0:05:46.120 Yeah, I'd love to hear your thoughts, so listen. We all, 0:05:46.160 --> 0:05:50.159 as human beings, rely on validation from a very early age. 0:05:50.279 --> 0:05:53.919 Why because we learn very young that we need the 0:05:54.040 --> 0:05:59.080 acceptance of those around us to survive. So validation becomes 0:05:59.080 --> 0:06:03.320 a survival stratch. At a very early age, we are learning. 0:06:03.440 --> 0:06:05.680 We're watching what is it that I do that makes 0:06:05.800 --> 0:06:08.280 Dad smile? What is it that I do that makes 0:06:08.320 --> 0:06:10.960 mom a little less stressed out or she seems like 0:06:11.000 --> 0:06:14.840 she's worried about something, And we quickly learn to embody 0:06:14.880 --> 0:06:17.719 those things so that we can get that attention, because 0:06:17.720 --> 0:06:21.880 we need their attention to survive. Where that validation, which 0:06:21.920 --> 0:06:25.320 is very human, turns into an addiction is when we 0:06:25.640 --> 0:06:29.599 enter a world that says you need my approval to 0:06:29.680 --> 0:06:33.520 have value. We are not conditioned to stop and ask 0:06:34.040 --> 0:06:37.960 what is your value? What do you believe? What do 0:06:38.040 --> 0:06:41.120 you want? What do you think? We're conditioned to ask 0:06:41.279 --> 0:06:43.679 what does the other person think? Where is the advice 0:06:43.720 --> 0:06:48.359 outside of myself? So we externalize our wisdom. We have 0:06:48.480 --> 0:06:52.919 been taught that looking for wisdom externally is the smartest. 0:06:52.440 --> 0:06:52.880 Thing to do. 0:06:53.720 --> 0:06:57.720 When we believe that illusion, what we do is we 0:06:57.760 --> 0:07:02.160 start to look outward instantly, what do you think? Do 0:07:02.200 --> 0:07:04.800 you think this thing I did was valuable? Do you 0:07:04.839 --> 0:07:09.040 think I'm valuable? Then you add social media on top 0:07:09.080 --> 0:07:13.280 of this, all right, you know rich foundation of looking outside, 0:07:13.800 --> 0:07:16.400 and now we have a society that says, oh, guess 0:07:16.400 --> 0:07:19.120 what I can measure how valuable you are by other 0:07:19.200 --> 0:07:22.200 people's interactions with you. And so we've become addicted to 0:07:22.320 --> 0:07:26.240 validation as a form of checking in on our value. 0:07:26.720 --> 0:07:31.400 And that is where it is deeply dangerous, because when 0:07:31.480 --> 0:07:35.840 we rely on others to tell us whether we're valuable, 0:07:36.360 --> 0:07:39.720 those others are full of their own trauma and fear 0:07:39.760 --> 0:07:42.200 and limiting beliefs. So I say, it's like looking in 0:07:42.240 --> 0:07:46.400 a foggy mirror expecting to see a clear reflection, and 0:07:46.440 --> 0:07:47.200 you never will. 0:07:48.200 --> 0:07:50.560 You could probably have a full career just doing this 0:07:50.640 --> 0:07:54.760 for actors, because the truth is, I do you have 0:07:54.840 --> 0:07:56.360 to work with any other company in the world. You 0:07:56.400 --> 0:07:59.240 could just focus on actors, because yeah, actually I'm just actors, 0:07:59.240 --> 0:08:02.080 just creatives. The funny thing about the creatives, and I 0:08:02.080 --> 0:08:04.840 try to explain this people all the time, is that 0:08:04.880 --> 0:08:07.440 we are in a business where you're you have no 0:08:07.680 --> 0:08:11.120 choice but to be told you're valuable by somebody else 0:08:11.840 --> 0:08:15.480 until you're creating your own opportunity. Right, So to get 0:08:15.480 --> 0:08:18.840 a job, I have to audition and be told I'm 0:08:18.840 --> 0:08:21.760 good enough or I'm right for this part. And that's 0:08:21.840 --> 0:08:25.480 just the job. As soon as you can let that value, 0:08:26.160 --> 0:08:30.560 that sort of addiction to hearing that validation go away, 0:08:31.200 --> 0:08:33.200 and you can separate it and go no, I'm valuable 0:08:33.240 --> 0:08:35.760 regardless of what you're going to say. This is my take, 0:08:35.800 --> 0:08:39.080 this is my opinion, this is my version of the character. 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:42.559 So you're not judging me based on my value. You're 0:08:42.600 --> 0:08:45.520 just judging me if you if you, if our visions 0:08:45.559 --> 0:08:49.600 align right for this role. And I laugh a lot 0:08:49.600 --> 0:08:53.200 when I tell actors, even my my daughter plays competitive 0:08:53.240 --> 0:08:56.760 junior tennis, and athletes in general. I talk about, you know, 0:08:56.760 --> 0:08:58.520 some of the most difficult professions in the world. I 0:08:58.559 --> 0:09:03.040 think are creative because as an athlete, your value is 0:09:03.160 --> 0:09:06.680 very much measurable. It's like you scored forty points in 0:09:06.679 --> 0:09:09.520 a game in basketball, you did well, like no one 0:09:09.520 --> 0:09:10.920 has to tell you did well. It's right there on 0:09:10.960 --> 0:09:14.120 the page, you know. Whereas if you're a creative. It's 0:09:14.120 --> 0:09:17.000 all subjective. So whether you have value in this business 0:09:17.080 --> 0:09:19.680 or you don't have value, it's somebody else's opinion. Whether 0:09:19.679 --> 0:09:21.280 you win the oscar, don't win the oscar, you know, 0:09:21.320 --> 0:09:23.640 whatever the case may be. Then, like you said, you 0:09:23.679 --> 0:09:26.439 throw social media in the mix, which entertainers live on 0:09:27.040 --> 0:09:32.319 in general, which to me is just quicksand for the emotional, 0:09:33.080 --> 0:09:36.760 for an emotional already an emotional person, I constantly find 0:09:36.800 --> 0:09:38.840 myself talking to people about this all the time, not 0:09:38.880 --> 0:09:41.120 trying to help them, but just going you're in the 0:09:41.160 --> 0:09:45.560 wrong business. And until you realize your value is not 0:09:45.640 --> 0:09:49.360 dependent on somebody else in this space, you can't really 0:09:49.600 --> 0:09:51.560 survive in our business. 0:09:51.600 --> 0:09:52.840 Would not agree with you more. 0:09:52.840 --> 0:09:55.920 And I would just add one fine point on it, 0:09:55.920 --> 0:10:01.199 which is that word value, even an athlete, tying your 0:10:01.360 --> 0:10:05.439 value to what you produce is part of the toxicity 0:10:05.520 --> 0:10:12.079 of our whole culture. You are your career, you know 0:10:12.160 --> 0:10:15.920 the amount of money you can command, sure, absolutely, But 0:10:16.080 --> 0:10:19.640 the minute that we believe that our value as a 0:10:19.679 --> 0:10:23.280 being has to do with what we produce, all of 0:10:23.320 --> 0:10:25.880 a sudden, we're a human doing, not a human being. 0:10:26.400 --> 0:10:29.520 So that work around value is so important. 0:10:29.559 --> 0:10:32.640 And I will say I have the opportunity to sit 0:10:32.679 --> 0:10:34.920 across a zoom in a session with people I grew 0:10:35.000 --> 0:10:37.319 up watching in the movies and coaching them now, and 0:10:37.920 --> 0:10:40.199 sometimes I have to think, like, wow, okay, this is 0:10:40.240 --> 0:10:43.040 the direction your life took you Why? And it's because 0:10:43.200 --> 0:10:47.480 my message is one of listen. You're a storyteller. The 0:10:47.520 --> 0:10:50.480 way you tell your story as a creative is not 0:10:50.640 --> 0:10:54.959 always going to align with however someone has a vision 0:10:55.000 --> 0:10:57.760 for a story. But it does not mean you hold 0:10:57.880 --> 0:11:01.959 less value. That's where you can break the addiction right there. 0:11:11.040 --> 0:11:13.760 It's funny I trying to even relate this to sports, 0:11:13.760 --> 0:11:16.720 and you made it very clear which was which was valid. 0:11:16.760 --> 0:11:19.880 And I've said this to my daughter and again, like 0:11:19.920 --> 0:11:23.240 competitive tennis for a young kid is brutal, Like it's 0:11:23.240 --> 0:11:26.520 a really tough support. There's no there are no referees. 0:11:26.600 --> 0:11:29.520 You're in an individual sport. You're on this island by yourself. 0:11:29.720 --> 0:11:32.920 You're you're constantly having to produce and work and work 0:11:32.960 --> 0:11:34.880 and work, and it's just never ending. It's it's like 0:11:34.880 --> 0:11:36.839 a you see it in a pro circuit, right, It's 0:11:36.880 --> 0:11:40.160 just a year round sport. And I try to explain 0:11:40.200 --> 0:11:43.800 to her, Sabella, it's you got to stop putting tennis 0:11:43.840 --> 0:11:47.520 as your identity. It doesn't define who you are. But 0:11:47.640 --> 0:11:51.439 also you don't. It sounds crazy to say it, but 0:11:51.480 --> 0:11:54.000 I'm like, I don't really care if you win or 0:11:54.040 --> 0:11:57.160 you lose. And like the quote of Kobe Bryant would say, look, 0:11:57.160 --> 0:11:58.719 if you win, great, you have to get up and 0:11:58.760 --> 0:12:00.920 do it all over again the next day. If you lose, great, 0:12:00.960 --> 0:12:01.920 you got to get up and do it all over 0:12:01.960 --> 0:12:04.680 again the next day. So there's not like it doesn't 0:12:04.679 --> 0:12:07.640 define you your value because you want a tournament. It 0:12:07.640 --> 0:12:10.719 doesn't define you because you did X, Y and z 0:12:10.920 --> 0:12:14.880 on the court. To me, what matters are the life lessons, Right, 0:12:14.920 --> 0:12:18.360 did you get better? Did you work your hardest? Did 0:12:18.400 --> 0:12:21.679 you try? Those are things that to me, and I 0:12:21.720 --> 0:12:23.640 hate to say put value on it, but it's like, 0:12:24.400 --> 0:12:26.960 that's what you need to be worrying about. Yeah, because 0:12:27.000 --> 0:12:28.800 those are things you can control that make you a 0:12:28.840 --> 0:12:29.600 stronger person. 0:12:29.840 --> 0:12:32.120 Yeah. And were you proud of yourself? 0:12:32.280 --> 0:12:32.480 Yes? 0:12:32.679 --> 0:12:34.520 I really try to focus on with my kids so 0:12:34.559 --> 0:12:37.400 I can break them of this validation addiction is not 0:12:37.800 --> 0:12:39.480 even ever since they were little. It was like I 0:12:39.480 --> 0:12:42.120 would stop myself from saying I'm proud of you. First, 0:12:42.600 --> 0:12:44.440 I'd start with are you proud of yourself? 0:12:45.080 --> 0:12:47.400 Yes? Why because I did X, Y and Z. 0:12:47.559 --> 0:12:49.520 You know, I'm proud of you too, But like, let 0:12:49.559 --> 0:12:51.840 me start by reminding you you need to be proud 0:12:51.840 --> 0:12:53.360 of yourself, not anybody else. 0:12:53.760 --> 0:12:55.800 I like that. I'm actually going to take that, take 0:12:55.840 --> 0:12:57.760 that advice right there and use it with her and 0:12:57.800 --> 0:13:00.680 my son. You know, he's young playing soccer or young still, 0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:03.760 but everybody's always like, you know, did you score a 0:13:03.800 --> 0:13:06.160 goal today? I'm like, it's not about the goal It's 0:13:06.160 --> 0:13:08.240 about how did you play? Did you work hard? Did 0:13:08.240 --> 0:13:08.640 you run? 0:13:08.760 --> 0:13:08.920 You know? 0:13:09.000 --> 0:13:10.760 And did you hustle? You can make the greatest sit 0:13:10.920 --> 0:13:14.480 There's a number of things. Yeah, And that's something that 0:13:14.520 --> 0:13:16.640 I think is very important to shine a light on 0:13:16.840 --> 0:13:19.760 Are you proud of yourself? First? Because it doesn't matter 0:13:20.000 --> 0:13:21.800 if I'm proud if you're not proud of yourself. 0:13:22.280 --> 0:13:23.199 And as adults, we. 0:13:23.160 --> 0:13:26.160 Can ask ourselves that same question every day. You know, 0:13:26.920 --> 0:13:28.560 it didn't go the way I planned, But am I 0:13:28.600 --> 0:13:31.040 proud of myself right now? And if the answer is no, 0:13:32.080 --> 0:13:33.960 what part of me is not proud of myself? 0:13:34.280 --> 0:13:36.760 Yeah? You know, God, that whole thing that you like 0:13:36.800 --> 0:13:38.800 you let into and talked about with social media. That's 0:13:38.800 --> 0:13:41.040 where I feel like that's one of the biggest pitfalls 0:13:41.640 --> 0:13:45.800 is that people constantly post for approval. They're seeking attention. 0:13:46.400 --> 0:13:48.480 And I have to remind my wife about this a lot. 0:13:48.559 --> 0:13:52.720 And you know, if you're looking at comments from somebody 0:13:52.840 --> 0:13:56.000 and you love all the positive comments, you need to 0:13:56.000 --> 0:13:57.880 be accepting of the negative comments because you're going to 0:13:57.960 --> 0:14:00.000 get them. Yeah, they're not all going to be positive. 0:14:00.000 --> 0:14:02.920 So if you're looking for approval from somebody that says, 0:14:02.960 --> 0:14:05.800 I love you, this is so great, you look beautiful, whatever, 0:14:06.000 --> 0:14:08.000 you're gonna get somebody that's gonna throw something in negative. 0:14:08.200 --> 0:14:10.080 So you're better off just not even looking at it. 0:14:10.480 --> 0:14:15.720 To me, that's right, because you're seeking approval, you're seeking validation. 0:14:15.520 --> 0:14:18.200 And the positive I say this to you know, a 0:14:18.240 --> 0:14:21.240 lot of my performers that are really active on social 0:14:21.720 --> 0:14:26.359 like the positive and the negative are all projections. 0:14:27.120 --> 0:14:29.480 None of it is about you, none of it. 0:14:29.920 --> 0:14:32.360 The great stuff is a projection of what the person 0:14:32.440 --> 0:14:35.040 desires to be, wants to aspire to the way they're 0:14:35.080 --> 0:14:38.560 idolizing you. The negative stuff is a reflection of their 0:14:38.640 --> 0:14:42.040 shame and their self hatred and their envy. None of 0:14:42.080 --> 0:14:44.320 it is about you, Like you can't take any of 0:14:44.360 --> 0:14:47.640 it personally because we are all and I mean this 0:14:47.760 --> 0:14:51.480 in the kindest way, self centered beings, meaning that our 0:14:51.520 --> 0:14:56.600 experience on this planet revolves around our experience on this planet, 0:14:56.880 --> 0:14:59.400 which means that that's what we project out at each 0:14:59.400 --> 0:15:02.440 other constantly. Especially then if we're looking at a famous 0:15:02.480 --> 0:15:06.320 person that we've been taught to idolize, then we're projecting 0:15:06.360 --> 0:15:09.320 all that internal noise on them. So you're just a 0:15:09.400 --> 0:15:12.600 screen for whatever movie they're playing in their own mind 0:15:12.600 --> 0:15:13.680 about themselves. 0:15:13.920 --> 0:15:18.560 Yeah, it makes sense, makes sense. Another topic I want 0:15:18.600 --> 0:15:21.000 to get your definition on because I find it interesting 0:15:21.040 --> 0:15:23.880 is the burnout crisis. Yeah, talking about why people are 0:15:24.120 --> 0:15:27.400 disengaging in how to reconnect authentically. Talk to me about that. 0:15:27.800 --> 0:15:30.040 Yeah, I mean it goes back to this idea of 0:15:30.200 --> 0:15:33.560 in our culture and many cultures, that our value is 0:15:33.720 --> 0:15:37.320 measured by what we produce. If you buy into that, 0:15:37.680 --> 0:15:40.880 if you buy into that as a truth, you are 0:15:40.920 --> 0:15:43.640 on your way to burnout just from that belief system, 0:15:44.120 --> 0:15:48.120 because you are constantly trying to prove that you matter, 0:15:48.520 --> 0:15:52.720 that you should be taking up space by producing, and 0:15:52.960 --> 0:15:56.960 there by the way is never going to be enough producing. 0:15:57.080 --> 0:15:59.400 I'll take myself for example, I had a dream of 0:15:59.440 --> 0:16:01.520 writing a book with a major publisher. 0:16:01.880 --> 0:16:03.000 Guess what I did that. 0:16:03.560 --> 0:16:04.960 Guess what I want more? 0:16:05.720 --> 0:16:06.320 I want to. 0:16:06.320 --> 0:16:10.960 Now achieve more because I, myself, a teacher of these truths, 0:16:11.240 --> 0:16:13.920 has bought into the fact that the more I achieve, 0:16:14.320 --> 0:16:18.040 the more I can show my value. Now the work 0:16:18.080 --> 0:16:22.400 for me is to reframe it around purpose. No, the 0:16:22.400 --> 0:16:25.920 more you achieve, the more impact you have, which allows 0:16:25.960 --> 0:16:28.320 me to go back into a place of this isn't 0:16:28.360 --> 0:16:32.640 about other people liking what I'm doing. It's about helping. 0:16:33.160 --> 0:16:36.120 It's about doing the part I'm meant to do. So 0:16:36.160 --> 0:16:39.760 I think that if you don't connect what you're constantly 0:16:39.840 --> 0:16:42.440 doing to your purpose, the reason you're embodied on this 0:16:42.480 --> 0:16:45.480 planet in this moment in history right now, with the 0:16:45.520 --> 0:16:49.560 skills you have, with the desires that are naturally within you, 0:16:50.520 --> 0:16:53.600 then you are going to burn yourself out because you're 0:16:53.680 --> 0:16:57.000 running around doing things without any north star whatsoever. 0:17:00.160 --> 0:17:02.480 That brings so true to me in my own personal 0:17:02.520 --> 0:17:05.119 life and also just again, I go back to my 0:17:05.840 --> 0:17:09.199 kid with her sport, because it's you. Burn Out is 0:17:09.240 --> 0:17:12.200 so big in youth sports in general, and I think 0:17:12.240 --> 0:17:15.119 there is that constant need to prove, prove and if 0:17:15.119 --> 0:17:17.400 you're not getting it, if you didn't win this thing, 0:17:17.440 --> 0:17:19.000 you're not good enough. And if you're not good enough, 0:17:19.000 --> 0:17:20.760 why am I doing it? And then you put all 0:17:20.760 --> 0:17:23.160 these hours in and eventually you're just like, I hate it. 0:17:24.480 --> 0:17:26.800 You want out. And I've talked about it briefly on 0:17:26.800 --> 0:17:29.119 the podcast before, but it happened to me in acting 0:17:29.240 --> 0:17:32.960 early on, and I shifted the way I thought. Early on, 0:17:33.040 --> 0:17:35.240 it was like any little thing I got was never enough. 0:17:35.480 --> 0:17:37.320 It's like, why I didn't get that series regular? I 0:17:37.320 --> 0:17:39.800 didn't get that part, And eventually I did. I burnt out. 0:17:39.840 --> 0:17:43.600 I quit. I stopped acting for almost two years, and 0:17:43.680 --> 0:17:46.240 I came back with a sort of a new mindset 0:17:46.359 --> 0:17:49.119 of like, I just want to be happy. I don't 0:17:49.400 --> 0:17:52.560 I want to celebrate each victory. If I got this job, great, 0:17:52.680 --> 0:17:55.600 it was good because you're right. And I've preached this 0:17:55.680 --> 0:17:58.840 to my wife and to friends, and I don't claim 0:17:58.880 --> 0:18:01.720 that I do it perfectly, but you're, like you said it, 0:18:01.720 --> 0:18:05.000 You're always going to want something more. Right. You see 0:18:05.000 --> 0:18:07.359 people all the time, they win the Oscar, the biggest 0:18:07.440 --> 0:18:09.920 accolade you could get as a movie star, and they're 0:18:09.960 --> 0:18:12.600 still miserable. Yeah, and they don't even work as much. 0:18:12.640 --> 0:18:16.400 Sometimes some do, some don't. And they're and they're they're 0:18:16.440 --> 0:18:20.360 always still seeking whether their personal life is crashing, something 0:18:20.440 --> 0:18:22.560 is not right, Like they're just not happy in the 0:18:22.560 --> 0:18:24.879 moment they got that one thing they wanted, it didn't 0:18:24.880 --> 0:18:27.320 fulfill them. Yeah, and I say that, you know, I've 0:18:27.359 --> 0:18:28.840 said it to my wife, Like I said, and you 0:18:28.960 --> 0:18:33.520 gotta appreciate every little step along the way in order 0:18:33.600 --> 0:18:37.800 to really be happy with where you're at and not 0:18:38.000 --> 0:18:39.359 constantly chasing. 0:18:39.800 --> 0:18:40.640 Yeah, but it's. 0:18:40.480 --> 0:18:43.160 Hard to appreciate it when you don't know what it's 0:18:43.160 --> 0:18:44.000 for the sake of. 0:18:44.440 --> 0:18:46.880 Yeah. So one purpose, like one. 0:18:47.000 --> 0:18:50.560 Exercise I give my creatives, my artists is or everyone 0:18:50.640 --> 0:18:53.400 even the CEO is like, I want you to have 0:18:53.440 --> 0:18:55.440 a for the sake of statement? 0:18:55.920 --> 0:18:57.280 What is this for the sake of? 0:18:57.440 --> 0:19:02.080 So? For example, my greatest value at all is freedom. 0:19:02.640 --> 0:19:05.479 I exist for freedom, my own freedom and the freedom 0:19:05.520 --> 0:19:09.160 of everyone that my work touches. So for the sake 0:19:09.240 --> 0:19:12.960 of is this is for the sake of freedom? When 0:19:13.000 --> 0:19:16.560 I use that frame, everything I do has to fit 0:19:16.600 --> 0:19:20.040 in that bucket. If it's not providing freedom for me, 0:19:20.480 --> 0:19:24.119 my family, my followers, my clients. 0:19:23.920 --> 0:19:24.920 I'm not going to do that thing. 0:19:25.720 --> 0:19:29.520 So find your reason why, like your big reason why, 0:19:29.600 --> 0:19:32.720 and your clue is what do you value most? What 0:19:32.920 --> 0:19:36.920 is the thing you know that your soul values the most. 0:19:37.359 --> 0:19:41.280 That is the connection to your purpose. And when you 0:19:41.359 --> 0:19:44.400 can map everything back to why am I doing this, 0:19:44.880 --> 0:19:48.600 then it's easier to appreciate it in the moment. 0:19:49.000 --> 0:19:52.200 That you know. That's great. That's a great way of phrasing. 0:19:52.240 --> 0:19:55.680 At night, I think subconsciously, I've even thought about stuff 0:19:55.720 --> 0:19:59.119 like that, because there's been jobs I've taken and I'm like, 0:19:59.160 --> 0:20:02.960 why am I taking this job? Like this is strictly 0:20:03.000 --> 0:20:05.199 a money job, and then I go back and I 0:20:05.240 --> 0:20:08.199 go but wait, my priority has always been my family, 0:20:08.720 --> 0:20:13.040 my kids, providing, you know, being there for them. And 0:20:13.080 --> 0:20:15.560 if it's a job that keeps me a Los Angeles, 0:20:15.920 --> 0:20:18.679 I'll take less money. If it's a job that is 0:20:18.760 --> 0:20:21.040 just gonna make money to buy me more time to 0:20:21.119 --> 0:20:24.400 find something else that creatively stimulates me, I'll go do 0:20:24.480 --> 0:20:27.160 it with a smile because I know I'm doing it 0:20:27.440 --> 0:20:30.240 for the money to go back to the purpose I have, 0:20:30.280 --> 0:20:33.159 which is my family. A lot of people will do 0:20:33.160 --> 0:20:35.040 it and be like, I hate this job. I'm on 0:20:35.160 --> 0:20:37.679