1 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:09,080 Speaker 1: I Amiamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. I spent 2 00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:12,040 Speaker 1: time in a relationship with a married man. I had 3 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:16,119 Speaker 1: to learn the skills and tools required to make my 4 00:00:16,239 --> 00:00:20,960 Speaker 1: relationships healthy, fulfilling, and loving. Welcome to the Our Spot, 5 00:00:21,239 --> 00:00:39,040 Speaker 1: a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. There 6 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:46,159 Speaker 1: is a common affliction that many people have when it 7 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:55,360 Speaker 1: comes to relationships, and that affliction is called self diagnosis. 8 00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:04,240 Speaker 1: We love to diagnose what's wrong with us and then 9 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:11,160 Speaker 1: beat ourselves up when the prescription doesn't heal the situation. 10 00:01:12,319 --> 00:01:19,040 Speaker 1: Self diagnosis is more often than not, a misdiagnosis. This 11 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:24,160 Speaker 1: is my second episode talking about this topic. Why because 12 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:29,600 Speaker 1: it seems like we're not getting it. We're not getting it, 13 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:33,680 Speaker 1: But in all seriousness, this is a common problem for 14 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:38,640 Speaker 1: people in their relationships. They think they've identified the problem 15 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:42,360 Speaker 1: and that once they put a label on it, they 16 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:46,840 Speaker 1: can fix it. Well, as we'll see today, when you 17 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:51,680 Speaker 1: try to diagnose the problem yourself, more often than not, 18 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:55,720 Speaker 1: you will get it wrong. And both of my callers 19 00:01:55,760 --> 00:02:00,400 Speaker 1: today have put a label on the wrong issues. So 20 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:03,920 Speaker 1: let's see if we can help them, support them, guide 21 00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:10,240 Speaker 1: them to the right ones. Good Day, Angie, thank you 22 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:14,360 Speaker 1: for your patience. And what is your relationship challenge issue 23 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:18,200 Speaker 1: dilemma that we are going to nibble on together today. 24 00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:24,440 Speaker 1: My dilemma is I keep the tranking addict. My first 25 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,520 Speaker 1: husband was a drug addict. My second husband was a 26 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:31,639 Speaker 1: drug addict. My third relationship that I guess ended he 27 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:35,200 Speaker 1: was a drug addict. I am fifty seven years old. 28 00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:38,320 Speaker 1: I am a professional woman. I am a broker here 29 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:42,120 Speaker 1: in Charlotte, North Carolina, and for some reason, I keep 30 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:48,760 Speaker 1: attaching myself to drug addicts. Well that's not very helpful. 31 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:54,920 Speaker 1: Listen now, now, yeah, So what's your parents had a 32 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:59,640 Speaker 1: substance abuse problem? Either one. I grow with both parents. 33 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:04,560 Speaker 1: My dad didn't smoke, drink, or even used marijuana because 34 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:05,919 Speaker 1: you know, they grew up in the fifties in the 35 00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:11,600 Speaker 1: sixty My mom drink sometimes on our off day. Neither one. 36 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:16,000 Speaker 1: There had to be an addiction somewhere, because that's your 37 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:23,040 Speaker 1: bonding pattern. My father was a gambler. Oh well, there's okay, 38 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:30,240 Speaker 1: you say, neither one. Yeah, there's a bonding pattern. That's 39 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:35,840 Speaker 1: what you're dealing with. How you bond with people is 40 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:41,200 Speaker 1: based on a template that you either inherited or created 41 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:47,200 Speaker 1: gambling is an addiction. Beloved yes man. That is a 42 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:50,880 Speaker 1: few years before he passed away, he inherited some land 43 00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:55,200 Speaker 1: almost about about one hundred eighty thousand dollars. By the 44 00:03:55,240 --> 00:04:00,440 Speaker 1: time we bared him, he has zero h m hm. 45 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:10,120 Speaker 1: And how did his gambling affect the family? If gamblely 46 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:13,680 Speaker 1: affected the family in the seventies and the eighties, it 47 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:16,560 Speaker 1: wasn't really that many casinos that he can go to. 48 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:20,719 Speaker 1: He's from He's brought up in methods, so he would 49 00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:23,080 Speaker 1: go at least once a month to the dog track. 50 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:26,240 Speaker 1: He would go to the gambling spots in our town, 51 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:29,840 Speaker 1: and if we needed to find him, we knew where 52 00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:33,240 Speaker 1: to find him. He was present, but he wasn't pregnant. 53 00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:37,200 Speaker 1: He was always in the streets gambling or or hustling. Well, 54 00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:42,640 Speaker 1: there's your bonding pattern. Men who are addicted, who have 55 00:04:42,839 --> 00:04:46,719 Speaker 1: a second interest, who have something that takes them out 56 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:50,120 Speaker 1: of the home or the relationship, and you can look 57 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:54,120 Speaker 1: at how that impacted mom. What did mom say? What 58 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:58,960 Speaker 1: did mom do? Now the other part of your bonding pattern, 59 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:02,440 Speaker 1: how you would track people, what you expect from people, 60 00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:06,039 Speaker 1: what you accommodate and tolerate from the people that you 61 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:09,000 Speaker 1: connect with and in this case it happens to be men. 62 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:16,760 Speaker 1: Is someplace in your experience, probably young, once you understood 63 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:21,120 Speaker 1: daddy has a gammed the problem he's not present, probably 64 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:26,360 Speaker 1: around eleven, twelve thirteen, it became your job to save him, 65 00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:32,760 Speaker 1: to fix it, and you couldn't or you didn't. So 66 00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:36,960 Speaker 1: part of your bonding pattern, it's trying to save people 67 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:39,919 Speaker 1: from the thing that takes them out of the home, 68 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:43,200 Speaker 1: out of the relationship, out of love. Does that make 69 00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:48,600 Speaker 1: sense to you? It makes perfect sense. Yeah, So what 70 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:52,640 Speaker 1: you are dealing with is a bonding pattern. Can you 71 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:57,240 Speaker 1: identify anybody else? I have two brothers that have it 72 00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:02,600 Speaker 1: our gamily. Addition, I have a cousin having in you 73 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:07,320 Speaker 1: with alcohol. But these people that mean so much to 74 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:11,200 Speaker 1: me have these issues. I am one of eight kids 75 00:06:11,279 --> 00:06:13,800 Speaker 1: and I am the oldest girl, and so always have 76 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:17,880 Speaker 1: the responsibility of taking care of everyone and always trying 77 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:22,240 Speaker 1: to fake everything. As we stated before, saving people, yes, 78 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:24,840 Speaker 1: and I'm true. I'm still trying to save them, but 79 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:28,640 Speaker 1: I can't even save myself, and so that's what I 80 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:33,640 Speaker 1: need in this year. I'm literally hurting myself trying to 81 00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:37,760 Speaker 1: save these people. Well, two things I want to say. First, 82 00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:40,840 Speaker 1: of all, you can't do this by yourself. So if 83 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:46,599 Speaker 1: you're open to counseling, coaching, therapy, you got to do 84 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:51,720 Speaker 1: it because this is a deep, ingrained issue. It's a 85 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:57,800 Speaker 1: bonding pattern, and so there's an internal conversation that you're 86 00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:03,159 Speaker 1: probably not aware of that happens. This thing about a 87 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:09,039 Speaker 1: connecting to addicts, attracting addicts. Even if you aren't looking 88 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:13,040 Speaker 1: for them, they're gonna find you. You're an addict magnet, okay, 89 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:18,320 Speaker 1: because that's who Daddy was. And the bigger issue is 90 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:23,040 Speaker 1: saving people, saving them, and then when you don't do it, 91 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:26,960 Speaker 1: when you can't save them, you probably beat yourself up 92 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:31,200 Speaker 1: or get busy using more techniques and tools, spending more 93 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:35,200 Speaker 1: money chasing them down trying to save them. That is true. 94 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:42,160 Speaker 1: So you know what Your addiction is a dependency bad 95 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:47,000 Speaker 1: and helpless causes, hopeless causes because you can't save them, 96 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:50,840 Speaker 1: You can't stop them. You can't change them, no matter 97 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:53,800 Speaker 1: how much you want to or hope you can. You 98 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:57,120 Speaker 1: can't change them unless they want to change. So your 99 00:07:57,160 --> 00:08:02,920 Speaker 1: addiction is to hopeless causes and the failing. I bet 100 00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:07,400 Speaker 1: you are a workaholic to work, work, work, work, work, 101 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:10,880 Speaker 1: I bet you excel at work. Would that be accurate? 102 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:17,000 Speaker 1: That it's accurate because you're trying to override the underlying 103 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:22,440 Speaker 1: thoughts and feelings of failure. I am. I do people. 104 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:25,480 Speaker 1: People look look at me on the outside and they 105 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,920 Speaker 1: think I'm all of this and that, and in the 106 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:34,400 Speaker 1: inside I feel fast. I'm a frog because yeah, I 107 00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:38,880 Speaker 1: show different people when I'm outside, but when I'm inside 108 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:43,040 Speaker 1: by myself, it's a different thing. I don't want people 109 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:46,880 Speaker 1: to know my story. Very few people know that I 110 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,800 Speaker 1: wasn't even married twice. Very few people know that I 111 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:56,959 Speaker 1: was married to two addicts. Why it's embarrassing, No, it isn't. 112 00:08:57,160 --> 00:09:00,720 Speaker 1: It's not embarrassing. You weren't the addict, your addiction his 113 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:05,280 Speaker 1: You know, this bonding pattern that attracts what you don't want, 114 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:09,960 Speaker 1: what you can't do, and trying to save them. And secrets. 115 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:16,400 Speaker 1: That's the other thing, now that's really your drug or choice. Secrets. Yeah, 116 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:19,199 Speaker 1: I lived in secrets since I was a little girl. 117 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,360 Speaker 1: I'm wanna eight and so when we grew up in 118 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:27,000 Speaker 1: the seventies where we lived back my mom had got 119 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:30,880 Speaker 1: this program. But back then, if you could remember, in 120 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:34,720 Speaker 1: these different housing programs, you couldn't be married my father, 121 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:37,080 Speaker 1: even though he was my father and lived in the 122 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:41,439 Speaker 1: house as my father, on the outside he was our uncle. 123 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:45,280 Speaker 1: I couldn't tell people he was my father, so no 124 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:48,800 Speaker 1: one knew he was my father until I got maybe 125 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:51,080 Speaker 1: in my thirties or forties, because by then I just 126 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:57,640 Speaker 1: got tired of the lies. I tell you, that is 127 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:04,439 Speaker 1: a challenge that many people face, where adults make choices 128 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:08,800 Speaker 1: and decisions in their lives that affect the children's lives, 129 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:13,000 Speaker 1: and then the children unconsciously live out those choices. So 130 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:18,880 Speaker 1: you were taught emotional dishonesty, yeah, yeah, which is the 131 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:23,040 Speaker 1: same thing that your two husbands did because they were dishonest, 132 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:33,400 Speaker 1: probably about their addiction. They were learned behavior of emotional dishonesty. 133 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:40,880 Speaker 1: This is the roots and foundation of things like diabetes, cancer, 134 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:49,240 Speaker 1: all sorts of digestive issues, constipation that leads to all 135 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:53,320 Speaker 1: sorts of things. The thoughts and the emotions attached to 136 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:57,840 Speaker 1: this become lodged in your body. Now here's the good news. 137 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:03,439 Speaker 1: This is the perfect time for you to be addressing 138 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:08,080 Speaker 1: this because you just can't stomach it anymore. How wonderful. 139 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:13,480 Speaker 1: And I'm looking at your age fifty seven, you're moving 140 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:18,640 Speaker 1: into your elderhood, your wise woman status. When you hit sixty, 141 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:24,240 Speaker 1: you become a wise woman, and so your soul is saying, okay, boom, 142 00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:28,719 Speaker 1: we got to clean this up. We cannot continue in 143 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:33,120 Speaker 1: this vein. You cannot become a wise woman still living 144 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:37,480 Speaker 1: these childhood patterns. Does that make sense to you? Yes, 145 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,440 Speaker 1: So while you think you should have done this before, 146 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:45,480 Speaker 1: now you're ready. You're ready to tell the truth. You're 147 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:48,400 Speaker 1: ready to face the truth. You're ready to live the 148 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:51,679 Speaker 1: truth of your being. And the truth is, it's not 149 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:55,160 Speaker 1: your job to save other people. And you didn't fail 150 00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:59,200 Speaker 1: because you couldn't save daddy. People's taught you some things 151 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:02,400 Speaker 1: that are no longer working in your life. That's the truth. 152 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:09,319 Speaker 1: But because they are patterns, you're probably unconscious of it. 153 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:12,600 Speaker 1: It's a habit now when brother calls or cousin calls, 154 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:15,840 Speaker 1: or this happens or that happens, that you just move 155 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:20,280 Speaker 1: in unconsciously and you need help to unpack it. Tell 156 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:23,040 Speaker 1: me what you hear me saying. It doesn't matter what 157 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:26,080 Speaker 1: the words are. Tell me what you hear me saying 158 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:29,720 Speaker 1: to you. I hear you saying that I have lived 159 00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:33,640 Speaker 1: in a bonding pattern. I have lived in a hopelessness 160 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:37,320 Speaker 1: of trying to save everyone that I have lived in 161 00:12:37,559 --> 00:12:41,960 Speaker 1: dishonesty such holdhood, and I still live in that dishonesty, 162 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:44,920 Speaker 1: and I need to compack that. And the only way 163 00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:48,040 Speaker 1: I can unpack that if you get the help that 164 00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:52,560 Speaker 1: I need, because I cannot do it by myself. One 165 00:12:52,559 --> 00:12:55,319 Speaker 1: of the most crippling things that we face in our 166 00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:59,640 Speaker 1: life is a bonding pattern. You say it's a fraud, 167 00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:03,520 Speaker 1: but it's really feeling like a failure, so you act 168 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:07,520 Speaker 1: like a success, and that's what fraud is. But you're 169 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:09,960 Speaker 1: you're coming up on the age as a woman where 170 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,960 Speaker 1: you know you want to sit back and cross your 171 00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:15,439 Speaker 1: legs and have some fine young things peel grapes and 172 00:13:15,480 --> 00:13:24,319 Speaker 1: feed you. This is you coming up on your rest time. Amen. Yeah, Yeah, 173 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:26,920 Speaker 1: And there is a fine young thing out there that'll 174 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,959 Speaker 1: feed that appeal you grapes and feed you. But if 175 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:33,199 Speaker 1: you're gonna try to save him, it's not gonna happen. 176 00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:37,160 Speaker 1: So this is what I want you to do. I 177 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,280 Speaker 1: know you may be holding your phone, so I want 178 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,920 Speaker 1: you to take one hand and I want you to 179 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:46,040 Speaker 1: make a tight, tight fist as tight as you can 180 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:51,520 Speaker 1: with your free hand. Make a tight, tight fist. Okay, okay, 181 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:55,360 Speaker 1: all right, now slowly, as slowly as you can, as 182 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:57,720 Speaker 1: slowly as you can. I want you to start opening 183 00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:01,240 Speaker 1: that fist. And as you're opening that fist, I want 184 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:05,360 Speaker 1: you to say this, I'm letting go. Say that. I'm 185 00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:10,360 Speaker 1: letting go. I'm letting go. Yeah, I'm letting go. I'm 186 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:15,199 Speaker 1: brother go. I'm letting go of the past. I'm letting 187 00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:19,320 Speaker 1: go of the path, letting go of the pattern. I'm 188 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:22,440 Speaker 1: letting go of the pattern. Yeah, I'm letting go. Slow, 189 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:25,800 Speaker 1: just slow, you're not even you can barely see your palm. 190 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:32,880 Speaker 1: I'm letting go. I'm letting go. I'm letting go. Yeah, breathe, 191 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:38,160 Speaker 1: I'm letting go. I'm letting go. Do you see how 192 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:41,840 Speaker 1: slow those fingers are opening, and how hard it is 193 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:46,960 Speaker 1: to move slowly? Do you see that? Yes, ma'am? Yeah, 194 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,600 Speaker 1: I mean still you the fist is not open yet, 195 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,760 Speaker 1: shouldn't be open. All of those fingers are still I'm 196 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:56,760 Speaker 1: slow it down, slow it down, and just kind of 197 00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:00,200 Speaker 1: one out of not even one at a time, they're 198 00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:06,160 Speaker 1: still all moving to get Can you see your palm yet? No? Okay, 199 00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:08,880 Speaker 1: all right, so good keep going. Try to open it 200 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:12,840 Speaker 1: as slow as possible. That's what this is going to 201 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:18,400 Speaker 1: feel like, cleaning this up. And if you're by yourself, 202 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:21,560 Speaker 1: you're gonna get frustrated and you're gonna try to move 203 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:25,440 Speaker 1: faster than you need to. You're not going to know how. 204 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,240 Speaker 1: And when they get mad at you for breaking the 205 00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:31,320 Speaker 1: pattern of not doing what you used to do, they're 206 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:34,120 Speaker 1: gonna get mad and that's going to trigger you, and 207 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,760 Speaker 1: you're not gonna have anywhere to go anybody to talk. 208 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:41,800 Speaker 1: Too slow, so slow, you're still moving slow. That's why 209 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:45,600 Speaker 1: you need help. Does that make sense to you? That 210 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:50,680 Speaker 1: makes a perfect sense. Yeah. I wanted you to have that, 211 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:57,640 Speaker 1: that experience of trying to let go because a bonding 212 00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:02,800 Speaker 1: pattern is a very deep, deep thing. I have a really, 213 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:09,320 Speaker 1: really great, great clinical social worker does excellent, excellent work 214 00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:15,960 Speaker 1: with bonding patterns. I don't know anybody in your area, 215 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:18,400 Speaker 1: but what I can do is I can have my 216 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:26,520 Speaker 1: producer give you his information and you can give him 217 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:31,240 Speaker 1: a call. He'll work with you via teleconference and I 218 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:34,080 Speaker 1: will give you his name and number. You know, I 219 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:38,320 Speaker 1: have a conversation with him, see if he if it 220 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:42,680 Speaker 1: feels right for you. I have another woman who does 221 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:48,000 Speaker 1: some really good emotional work healing patterns that are locked 222 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:52,080 Speaker 1: in our body. I'll have you give have him give 223 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:57,280 Speaker 1: you her information again, have a conversation with her. See 224 00:16:57,280 --> 00:17:00,480 Speaker 1: if you like it, and see if they can help you. 225 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:04,120 Speaker 1: And if not, do you know anybody on your own? 226 00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:09,280 Speaker 1: I had a counselor, but I stopped going. She was 227 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:12,159 Speaker 1: pretty good. Only thing it was so different for me 228 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:15,000 Speaker 1: because I felt like I was talking to my daughter 229 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:18,040 Speaker 1: or my niece. Because she was so young. I thought 230 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:21,320 Speaker 1: that she couldn't help me as much because she was 231 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:24,879 Speaker 1: so young. Well, I mean, you've got to be comfortable 232 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:28,760 Speaker 1: with the person that you entrust with your soul. Understand, 233 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:32,120 Speaker 1: You've got to be comfortable. If you weren't comfortable there, 234 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:35,320 Speaker 1: that's okay. There are lots of other people. I'm gonna 235 00:17:35,359 --> 00:17:39,880 Speaker 1: give you my two references. The distance might be good 236 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,480 Speaker 1: for you as opposed to sitting in the room with 237 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:46,760 Speaker 1: somebody right now. But you've got to commit to consistency, 238 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,040 Speaker 1: even if you have to do something like to to 239 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,920 Speaker 1: help yourself. Say okay, I'm gonna pay you up front 240 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:59,320 Speaker 1: for three months, understood, so that you have an investment. Otherwise, 241 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:03,560 Speaker 1: the ego and the part of you that's accustomed to 242 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:06,679 Speaker 1: this pattern will find every reason in the world not 243 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:10,160 Speaker 1: to call, not to show up, not to go. If 244 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:13,199 Speaker 1: you're doing this thing online, there's no reason for you 245 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:15,720 Speaker 1: not to sit down and take an hour to help yourself. 246 00:18:16,119 --> 00:18:19,960 Speaker 1: Does that make sense? Makes perfect sense. I want to 247 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:23,080 Speaker 1: celebrate you for taking this step, which is what tells 248 00:18:23,119 --> 00:18:27,360 Speaker 1: me that your soul is ready. It is good for you. 249 00:18:28,119 --> 00:18:30,280 Speaker 1: I'm going to check with them to see if you call. 250 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:34,399 Speaker 1: So I'm gonna beyond you because I want you to 251 00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:38,040 Speaker 1: step into your sixties, into being a wise woman with 252 00:18:38,119 --> 00:18:40,679 Speaker 1: some flair, and I want to help you find a 253 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:45,720 Speaker 1: fine young thing to peel you some grapes. I need it. 254 00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:48,000 Speaker 1: And thank you so much for taking it time to 255 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:51,640 Speaker 1: talk to me and help me. I am truly blessed 256 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:54,120 Speaker 1: that I was able to talk to you, so thank 257 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:57,960 Speaker 1: you so much. Well, thank you for loving yourself enough 258 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:03,320 Speaker 1: to call. How about that found good and check in 259 00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:06,160 Speaker 1: and let me know how you're doing. I will thank 260 00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:11,160 Speaker 1: you so much. Travil blast week Okay, my love, bye bye, 261 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:16,879 Speaker 1: Wow wow wow. I am proud of my caller for 262 00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:20,520 Speaker 1: bringing this topic to me today. She might have come 263 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,360 Speaker 1: in with one idea of what the problem is, but 264 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:27,040 Speaker 1: by the time we talked and got into the core issue. 265 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:31,240 Speaker 1: I think she realized that it wasn't just her attracting 266 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:36,439 Speaker 1: the wrong type of men. It was her desire to 267 00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:40,760 Speaker 1: control the situation and the other person. And because of 268 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:46,840 Speaker 1: that desire, then she was looking for and attracting somebody 269 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:51,040 Speaker 1: she could fix. So you see how there's always another 270 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:55,639 Speaker 1: layer to the issue, which is exactly what makes self 271 00:19:55,800 --> 00:20:03,280 Speaker 1: diagnosis wrong. Now, my next caller is phoning in with 272 00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:06,920 Speaker 1: an issue that she's already got to handle on, or 273 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,320 Speaker 1: so she thinks. When we come back, we'll see that 274 00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:16,000 Speaker 1: there's a deeper issue, an underbelly that we must confront 275 00:20:16,359 --> 00:20:20,480 Speaker 1: to get her focused in the right direction. Stay tuned, 276 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:32,159 Speaker 1: Welcome back. I am y'm ling. This is the our spot. 277 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:41,680 Speaker 1: Self diagnosis is misdiagnosis. My guest today has that issue 278 00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:46,720 Speaker 1: currently going on. They have diagnosed the problem and they 279 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:51,159 Speaker 1: think the problem is the other people. Take a listen. 280 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:57,240 Speaker 1: Greetings beloved, welcome to the our Spot. Thank you for 281 00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:01,040 Speaker 1: your patience today. Now tell me what is your challenge, 282 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:05,320 Speaker 1: your issue, your problem, your dilemma that we're gonna chew 283 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:10,399 Speaker 1: on together. I have been with my wife who've been 284 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:13,120 Speaker 1: together for five years, married for two and a half. 285 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:18,880 Speaker 1: Communication and conflict resolution have always been our main issues. 286 00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:23,960 Speaker 1: I believe that that's due to our attachment styles. What 287 00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:28,400 Speaker 1: does that mean? Attachment style? What is attachment style? What 288 00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:32,919 Speaker 1: I have learned is an anxious attachment style where I 289 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:38,960 Speaker 1: want to resolve conflict right away. If I don't, then 290 00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:43,280 Speaker 1: I'm like consumed with it and it's difficult for me 291 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:48,919 Speaker 1: to concentrate on doing anything else. And then my wife 292 00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:54,920 Speaker 1: is avoidant, so when she's overwhelmed, then she shuts the town. 293 00:21:56,640 --> 00:22:01,560 Speaker 1: Our communication oftentimes turns into an argument, and then from 294 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:05,760 Speaker 1: there I become anxious. If we can't resolve the issue, 295 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:11,359 Speaker 1: I become emotional and reactive, and my wife will shut down, 296 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:15,640 Speaker 1: she will stone wall, and then from there will take 297 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,720 Speaker 1: a break for a while. I will continue to try 298 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:23,920 Speaker 1: to resolve the issue, or we just won't talk to 299 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:30,840 Speaker 1: each other for days until we calm down. That's quite exciting. 300 00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:38,880 Speaker 1: There's a lot going on over there, a lot for short. Yeah, 301 00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:42,520 Speaker 1: I think you've read too many books and taking too 302 00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:46,760 Speaker 1: many classes because you have totally diagnosed this thing out 303 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:51,600 Speaker 1: and now you spin it around wondering why they're working. Yes, 304 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:55,080 Speaker 1: for sure, I feel like despite changes that both of 305 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:59,560 Speaker 1: us have made. We still continue to remain in disciple, 306 00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:08,240 Speaker 1: and yeah, I am just beginning to lose hope that 307 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:14,360 Speaker 1: we could get also this roller coaster, right M Well, 308 00:23:14,359 --> 00:23:16,919 Speaker 1: that's because you really think you know what the problem is. 309 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:19,560 Speaker 1: You diagnosed the problem, and it can be just an 310 00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:24,000 Speaker 1: attachment style that is not the problem, that is the symptom. 311 00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:29,639 Speaker 1: Does that make sense to you? Something created this attachment style. 312 00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:33,840 Speaker 1: It's kind of surface level, Yeah, because you've diagnosed it. 313 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:38,919 Speaker 1: So based on some book you've read, probably one of 314 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:47,199 Speaker 1: my books, I must stop writing them books. Know that 315 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,399 Speaker 1: I don't take this lightly, but I want to open 316 00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:51,800 Speaker 1: your heart. So I know that when you laugh, your 317 00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:59,359 Speaker 1: heart opens, because I know how frightening and difficult it 318 00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:02,560 Speaker 1: can be when you see yourself on the hamster wheel 319 00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:05,960 Speaker 1: of a problem and you're just spinning around and around 320 00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:08,800 Speaker 1: and around. So I want to ask you a question 321 00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:12,480 Speaker 1: so that we can get to the underbelly of this thing. 322 00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:15,800 Speaker 1: And the question may seem like it's not a part 323 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:18,080 Speaker 1: of this, but I guarantee you if you dig and 324 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:22,440 Speaker 1: you look and you ask for truth, you'll see it. 325 00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:26,679 Speaker 1: So when you were growing up in whatever your environment was, 326 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:32,320 Speaker 1: what was the problem going on that nobody talked about 327 00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:37,720 Speaker 1: or acted like it didn't exist. What was the problem 328 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:48,560 Speaker 1: everything my parents entire marriage and relationship. They were very 329 00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:57,600 Speaker 1: dysunctional and there was constant arguments, intension, and it was 330 00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:02,560 Speaker 1: never addressed. Do you know what the core of it was? 331 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:05,159 Speaker 1: What the root of it was that they argue about money? 332 00:25:05,359 --> 00:25:08,000 Speaker 1: Did Daddy have other women? What? What? Do you know 333 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:15,639 Speaker 1: what that was? It was money, other women And my 334 00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:20,280 Speaker 1: dad also had addictions in the younger years of my 335 00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:26,280 Speaker 1: life as well, so a lot of control as well 336 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:32,840 Speaker 1: on my mom's side, you know, trying to do whatever 337 00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:37,479 Speaker 1: she could to keep things together, or keep the family together, 338 00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:42,240 Speaker 1: or to get my dad on track. So thank you 339 00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:47,480 Speaker 1: for sharing that, and you should celebrate yourself for understanding that, 340 00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:52,120 Speaker 1: because that's our underbelly. So let me ask you another question. 341 00:25:52,840 --> 00:26:01,600 Speaker 1: Did you live with fear or terror both? Which one 342 00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:05,040 Speaker 1: was more common? Fear that something bad's going to happen, 343 00:26:05,119 --> 00:26:07,399 Speaker 1: This is going to fall apart, and what's going to 344 00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:10,600 Speaker 1: happen to me? Or terror of oh my god, if 345 00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:14,000 Speaker 1: if this happens, that's going to happen. If this doesn't happen, 346 00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:19,280 Speaker 1: that's going to happen. Fear and what is your birth order? 347 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:22,400 Speaker 1: How many of you. How many children were there and 348 00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:27,280 Speaker 1: what were were you in that order? In the home 349 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:31,120 Speaker 1: was myself and my brother and I am the oldest. Yeah, 350 00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:35,480 Speaker 1: there you go. So it's your responsibility to fix it, 351 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:40,240 Speaker 1: and you couldn't fix it. I never tried to fix it. 352 00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:45,159 Speaker 1: I would I would retreat. Then you would do what 353 00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:50,160 Speaker 1: your wife does, yes, m M. And so now when 354 00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:52,920 Speaker 1: you see her do that, you want to get busy 355 00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:56,359 Speaker 1: trying to fix it now because you didn't fix it 356 00:26:56,400 --> 00:27:02,640 Speaker 1: back then. Does that make sense? Yeah, So what you're 357 00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:08,720 Speaker 1: looking at is PTSD post traumatic stress disorder, because one 358 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:15,159 Speaker 1: of the most tragic experiences a child can face is 359 00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:21,160 Speaker 1: instability or insecurity in the home, waiting for the next 360 00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:25,520 Speaker 1: shoe to drop. And I guarantee you there was a pattern. 361 00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:28,320 Speaker 1: They would argue and fight and then this would happen 362 00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:30,840 Speaker 1: and you would have to do this or you wouldn't 363 00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:34,640 Speaker 1: have that, or there was a pattern to this process. 364 00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:41,199 Speaker 1: Are are you aware of what that pattern was? Yes? Yeah, 365 00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:46,880 Speaker 1: So when you get into conflict with your wife and 366 00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:50,560 Speaker 1: she retreats, you're not looking at her, You're looking at 367 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:55,720 Speaker 1: yourself and that old trauma of oh my god, this 368 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:59,760 Speaker 1: is what's going to happen here comes up. But now 369 00:28:00,359 --> 00:28:03,560 Speaker 1: you're at the opposite end of the scale trying to 370 00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:08,240 Speaker 1: fix it because that's probably what you felt inside as 371 00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:09,960 Speaker 1: a child. I need to do something, I need to 372 00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:12,480 Speaker 1: get some but I can't, so let me just retreat. 373 00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:18,680 Speaker 1: Does that make sense to you? It does. So it's 374 00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:22,400 Speaker 1: not attachment style. I mean, that's a part of it, 375 00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:27,360 Speaker 1: but the style of attachment is not the issue. The 376 00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:33,200 Speaker 1: trauma is the issue. And your reaction to what happens 377 00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:36,760 Speaker 1: with your wife. You see her doing what you did 378 00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:43,960 Speaker 1: and you freak out. So now you're doing the other side. Yeah. Yeah, 379 00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:50,400 Speaker 1: she's a minimizer. You're a maximizer. And I guarantee you. 380 00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:54,120 Speaker 1: I don't know if you two have ever talked about it. 381 00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:59,560 Speaker 1: She probably had a similar situation, but instead of retreating, 382 00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:03,040 Speaker 1: she may have reacted and got hurt or got in 383 00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:08,200 Speaker 1: trouble or got you know, some repercussion. So now rather 384 00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:11,880 Speaker 1: than trying to stop the instability or address it, she 385 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:18,880 Speaker 1: retreats because opposite attract they do. Y'all are just acting 386 00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:25,520 Speaker 1: out your wounds together. Brilliant, Absolutely brilliant, because that tells 387 00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:28,400 Speaker 1: me that both of you want to heal right, and 388 00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:31,400 Speaker 1: then that's kind of the next piece for me is that, 389 00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:35,160 Speaker 1: as you said, you know, I've gotten into all these 390 00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:39,680 Speaker 1: books and go into therapy and trying to do, you know, 391 00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:43,320 Speaker 1: whatever it is, and I can to to heal myself, 392 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:50,680 Speaker 1: and I don't think that my wife is ready to 393 00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:56,320 Speaker 1: truly heal and to dig into her own issues. There 394 00:29:56,360 --> 00:30:05,040 Speaker 1: you go diagnosing again. Yeah, and here's the trauma. You're 395 00:30:05,080 --> 00:30:09,520 Speaker 1: so afraid that it's not going to be fixed that 396 00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:17,520 Speaker 1: you get hyper vigilant about trying to make it happen. Yeah. Well, 397 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:22,760 Speaker 1: very interesting. So I'm going to tell you the good 398 00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:24,920 Speaker 1: news and the bad news. Which do you want first? 399 00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:29,000 Speaker 1: I will take the bad news first. Okay, you can't 400 00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:34,560 Speaker 1: fix this. That's the bad news. Take a breath. Don't 401 00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:38,480 Speaker 1: mean your marriage is gonna fall apart. You want the 402 00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:44,520 Speaker 1: good news now? I two, this can be healed. You 403 00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:48,400 Speaker 1: are trying to fix it. This is not about fixing. 404 00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:54,560 Speaker 1: To heal means to make whole again. And the only 405 00:30:54,600 --> 00:30:59,240 Speaker 1: thing you can do in this process is heal your self. 406 00:31:00,520 --> 00:31:05,760 Speaker 1: And as you heal and your responses and your reactions change, 407 00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:10,520 Speaker 1: your wife will either come along or you'll get clear. Okay, 408 00:31:10,560 --> 00:31:12,959 Speaker 1: this is not working, and I've got to make some 409 00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:16,040 Speaker 1: other choices, but you don't have to do that right now. 410 00:31:16,600 --> 00:31:19,040 Speaker 1: The only thing you have to do right now is 411 00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:25,160 Speaker 1: focus on healing your trauma of instability and the unknown 412 00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:31,920 Speaker 1: in your household. Your home is not a safe place, 413 00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:38,520 Speaker 1: so you bring that into the equation also. So you've 414 00:31:38,560 --> 00:31:41,960 Speaker 1: got to have this instability, this discord. You've got to 415 00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:44,680 Speaker 1: have that going on, because that's the pattern you learned 416 00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:48,960 Speaker 1: as a child. That's the trauma. Tell me what you 417 00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:55,800 Speaker 1: hear me saying. I have received that. I have experienced 418 00:31:55,800 --> 00:32:00,239 Speaker 1: trauma from the instability of my childhood, and as a 419 00:32:00,240 --> 00:32:05,760 Speaker 1: result of that, there is I suffer with some PTSD. Yeah. 420 00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:10,720 Speaker 1: And because I was unable to fix what was going 421 00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:13,680 Speaker 1: on in my environment as a child, I am attempting 422 00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:18,720 Speaker 1: to do that now in my marriage. Instead of focusing 423 00:32:18,760 --> 00:32:24,240 Speaker 1: on fixing the problem, I should be focusing on healing myself. Bam. Now, 424 00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:26,120 Speaker 1: you may not be a good doctor, but you're a 425 00:32:26,120 --> 00:32:36,600 Speaker 1: real good listener. Yeah. And it's not that you experience trauma, 426 00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:39,240 Speaker 1: it's that you are in the midst of trauma. You 427 00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:42,080 Speaker 1: retraumatize yourself every time you get caught up on this 428 00:32:42,200 --> 00:32:46,120 Speaker 1: hamster will with your wife. Yes, we'll talk about that 429 00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:57,200 Speaker 1: right after this break, welcome back to the our spot. 430 00:32:57,400 --> 00:33:00,840 Speaker 1: Let's get back to the conversation. So what are the 431 00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:05,600 Speaker 1: next steps? Did I hear you say that you're in therapy? Yes, 432 00:33:06,600 --> 00:33:10,520 Speaker 1: and how's that going for you? It's going very well. Well, 433 00:33:10,520 --> 00:33:17,720 Speaker 1: how come this ain't shifting because it's I believe that 434 00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:22,640 Speaker 1: I finally found a therapist that can really help me. 435 00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:28,240 Speaker 1: And so we're a few months in, and then there 436 00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:31,120 Speaker 1: are also a number of other issues that we're working 437 00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:37,560 Speaker 1: on besides my marriage. Okay, well, go back to that 438 00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:43,720 Speaker 1: childhood trauma. Are y'all working on that? We have started? Yes, okay, 439 00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:47,880 Speaker 1: and you have to tell your therapist the absolute God's 440 00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:53,920 Speaker 1: honest truth. I don't know what method your therapist uses, 441 00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:57,600 Speaker 1: but you've really got to work in into that childhood 442 00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:01,480 Speaker 1: trauma because it's you retraumatize yourself over and over and over. 443 00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:05,960 Speaker 1: And the same thing is probably present in other areas 444 00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:09,200 Speaker 1: of your life. The hyper vigilance to get stuff done 445 00:34:09,280 --> 00:34:12,800 Speaker 1: or to get things resolved, or you know, which makes 446 00:34:12,800 --> 00:34:16,799 Speaker 1: you either overly aggressive or overly needy. I don't know 447 00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:20,920 Speaker 1: which one it is, do you. I believe that I 448 00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:25,000 Speaker 1: can go between both of them depending on the environment. Well, 449 00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:30,279 Speaker 1: like I work. Yeah, I will tend to be, you know, 450 00:34:30,400 --> 00:34:34,040 Speaker 1: overly aggressive, wanting to fix it, wanting to make sure 451 00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:40,399 Speaker 1: that nothing falls between the cracks perfection. And then in 452 00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:49,560 Speaker 1: my intimate relationships, I can be needy. Yeah. So I 453 00:34:49,680 --> 00:34:53,279 Speaker 1: want to give you something that I really want you 454 00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:58,160 Speaker 1: to work with, particularly when communication breaks down between you 455 00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:04,440 Speaker 1: and your part. And it's three very simple words. I 456 00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:15,520 Speaker 1: am safe. I am safe. Yeah, I'm safe. You've got 457 00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:20,640 Speaker 1: to know that I'm safe. And when your wife retreats, 458 00:35:20,960 --> 00:35:27,160 Speaker 1: I'm safe. And when you find yourself on the brink 459 00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:30,520 Speaker 1: of or engaged in an argument, stop, take a breath 460 00:35:30,560 --> 00:35:34,359 Speaker 1: and say, I'm safe. I'm safe. I can let this go. 461 00:35:34,600 --> 00:35:37,640 Speaker 1: I'm safe. There's nothing for me to do here. I'm safe. 462 00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:41,560 Speaker 1: I'm safe. Because that's what the little girl and you 463 00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:46,800 Speaker 1: doesn't know. She doesn't know she's safe. She used to retreat, 464 00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:54,319 Speaker 1: but now she's coming out swinging. Yes. Yes. So I 465 00:35:54,440 --> 00:35:59,880 Speaker 1: do have a question, okay, feeling why or being in 466 00:36:00,719 --> 00:36:05,160 Speaker 1: this environment? How can I do that? Oh, you have 467 00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:09,040 Speaker 1: to be in the environment. Listen. I am in spiritual 468 00:36:09,239 --> 00:36:12,839 Speaker 1: as all get out, as the highest, holy, most wonderful one. 469 00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:18,400 Speaker 1: When I'm by myself, I'm by myself. I could float. 470 00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:21,520 Speaker 1: I got angel wings in a halo. Let me get 471 00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:26,080 Speaker 1: into a relationship and all my stuff comes up okay, 472 00:36:26,480 --> 00:36:30,359 Speaker 1: or when I'm dealing with so healing is I mean 473 00:36:30,719 --> 00:36:35,719 Speaker 1: relationships or interactions or situations is what points us to 474 00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:41,320 Speaker 1: the place that requires healing. You can absolutely heal because 475 00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:44,720 Speaker 1: you have to learn how to stop reacting. You must 476 00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:49,200 Speaker 1: learn how to make yourself safe. Safeties not external safeties internal. 477 00:36:49,960 --> 00:36:52,360 Speaker 1: You have to know that you know whether you and 478 00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:55,160 Speaker 1: your wife are together, you're gonna be okay. You have 479 00:36:55,280 --> 00:37:00,000 Speaker 1: to know that her behavior, her reactions, is not your responsibility, 480 00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:03,040 Speaker 1: and learn how to hold yourself and be with yourself 481 00:37:03,320 --> 00:37:06,120 Speaker 1: in the midst of her upset. You have to learn that, 482 00:37:06,200 --> 00:37:10,000 Speaker 1: and you can't learn that by yourself. We need to 483 00:37:10,080 --> 00:37:13,960 Speaker 1: be in these relationships, and God bless her. God bless 484 00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:17,879 Speaker 1: her that she's taken time out of her life to 485 00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:20,359 Speaker 1: come into your life so that the two of you 486 00:37:20,400 --> 00:37:23,640 Speaker 1: can heal. Her choice to heal is none of your business. 487 00:37:24,520 --> 00:37:29,640 Speaker 1: When you get yourself whole, when you get this trauma neutralized, 488 00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:33,920 Speaker 1: when you begin to recognize your triggers and your patterns 489 00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:37,480 Speaker 1: and you get those healed up, she will lead the 490 00:37:37,560 --> 00:37:40,960 Speaker 1: shift and come along with you or she won't, and 491 00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:43,440 Speaker 1: then you get to make a choice or a decision. 492 00:37:43,960 --> 00:37:48,839 Speaker 1: But we always choose partners and people that point us 493 00:37:48,840 --> 00:37:53,719 Speaker 1: in the direction of our healing, because a relationship is 494 00:37:53,719 --> 00:37:57,919 Speaker 1: a healing laboratory. That's why we go into relationships. That's 495 00:37:57,920 --> 00:38:00,319 Speaker 1: why we have the parents we do. That's why we 496 00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:02,839 Speaker 1: have the siblings we do, so that we can be 497 00:38:02,920 --> 00:38:05,799 Speaker 1: made aware of the pieces and parts of us that 498 00:38:05,880 --> 00:38:10,680 Speaker 1: require healing. Okay, and don't be diagnosing her. Put your 499 00:38:10,719 --> 00:38:17,560 Speaker 1: medical degree up on a shelf somewhere. I will and 500 00:38:17,680 --> 00:38:20,520 Speaker 1: know that when you're looking at your wife, you're looking 501 00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:25,200 Speaker 1: at a part of yourself. She is a part of you. 502 00:38:25,760 --> 00:38:30,719 Speaker 1: Have compassion, have empathy. Tell me something you know now 503 00:38:30,760 --> 00:38:38,600 Speaker 1: that you didn't know when you made this call. Most 504 00:38:38,600 --> 00:38:42,200 Speaker 1: definitely that the way that I have been viewing my 505 00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:46,360 Speaker 1: wife's behavior has been a reflection of what I was 506 00:38:46,440 --> 00:38:51,319 Speaker 1: unable to do. And also that the things that I 507 00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:58,320 Speaker 1: have experienced have given me PTSD and I never even 508 00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:02,000 Speaker 1: thought to consider look at it that way, that it's 509 00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:10,600 Speaker 1: my responsibility to heal me and not fix the situation. Good, good, good, 510 00:39:10,719 --> 00:39:14,440 Speaker 1: that's a good one. Yeah. And do you also know 511 00:39:14,520 --> 00:39:16,279 Speaker 1: that you're not a doctor, and you shouldn't be going 512 00:39:16,280 --> 00:39:19,640 Speaker 1: around diagnosing yourself and other people. Do you know that 513 00:39:23,960 --> 00:39:32,399 Speaker 1: your medical degree is bogus? Okay? And that's something that 514 00:39:32,440 --> 00:39:36,839 Speaker 1: we do because we think we know, And unfortunately, there's 515 00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:39,800 Speaker 1: a part of us that wants us to go down 516 00:39:39,840 --> 00:39:44,960 Speaker 1: that rabbit hole chasing something that really doesn't matter, because 517 00:39:45,239 --> 00:39:48,440 Speaker 1: as long as we're busy chasing that, we won't hit 518 00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:52,840 Speaker 1: the real problem. And that part of us knows once 519 00:39:52,840 --> 00:39:55,520 Speaker 1: you get clear about what the issue is, it's days 520 00:39:55,520 --> 00:40:01,839 Speaker 1: are numbered. You know. There's something called the Swedish love bell, 521 00:40:03,640 --> 00:40:07,120 Speaker 1: and the Swedish love bell is a little china bell. 522 00:40:07,320 --> 00:40:11,399 Speaker 1: Sometimes you see them like an antique stores or use 523 00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:15,520 Speaker 1: furniture stores. It's a bell made out of china. And 524 00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:17,680 Speaker 1: someone told me long ago. I don't know if it's 525 00:40:17,719 --> 00:40:21,279 Speaker 1: true or not. I just I just remind myself that 526 00:40:21,440 --> 00:40:24,560 Speaker 1: this is a bell that married couples keep in their 527 00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:29,680 Speaker 1: home and when they find theirselves on a path of 528 00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:35,320 Speaker 1: dysfunction or upset or whatever, one of the partners rings 529 00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:40,400 Speaker 1: the bell ding ding, ding ding, and that bell symbolizes 530 00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:42,320 Speaker 1: you go to your corner. I'll go to my corner 531 00:40:42,360 --> 00:40:45,680 Speaker 1: and we'll meet back here. In twenty minutes, thirty minutes 532 00:40:45,719 --> 00:40:49,360 Speaker 1: an hour, because this thing about you're walking around in 533 00:40:49,360 --> 00:40:52,840 Speaker 1: the house not speaking for two and three days. That's violence, 534 00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:59,520 Speaker 1: That is the withholding of love, and it retraumatizes both 535 00:40:59,520 --> 00:41:02,680 Speaker 1: of you. So I want to encourage you to go 536 00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:07,319 Speaker 1: somewhere and find you a Swedish love bell, okay. And 537 00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:10,640 Speaker 1: if you can't find the little china one, because it 538 00:41:10,719 --> 00:41:14,239 Speaker 1: rings very nicely. See I would need a brass Kyle bell. 539 00:41:14,600 --> 00:41:18,680 Speaker 1: But I'm not gonnage. I'm not gonna encourage you to 540 00:41:18,800 --> 00:41:21,960 Speaker 1: do that because once I get on that trade, I 541 00:41:22,000 --> 00:41:25,440 Speaker 1: am in it. Okay. So but I'm gonna tell you 542 00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:28,399 Speaker 1: to go find a little china bell. Maybe you can 543 00:41:28,440 --> 00:41:32,480 Speaker 1: find it on Amazon. Just say China bell or Swedish 544 00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:34,840 Speaker 1: love bell or see what, and it'll probably be a 545 00:41:34,880 --> 00:41:37,440 Speaker 1: little white bell and have little flowers on it, or 546 00:41:37,480 --> 00:41:39,600 Speaker 1: maybe a gold rim. And if you can't find that, 547 00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:43,560 Speaker 1: just find a little brass bell and set up with 548 00:41:43,719 --> 00:41:48,640 Speaker 1: your partner that when you'll start and as soon as 549 00:41:48,680 --> 00:41:53,440 Speaker 1: you know you're in the pattern, somebody ring the bell. Okay. 550 00:41:53,680 --> 00:41:58,800 Speaker 1: I actually love this idea. And you separate, you stop 551 00:41:58,880 --> 00:42:02,560 Speaker 1: for maybe thirty minutes, y'all set up the time Okay, 552 00:42:02,560 --> 00:42:06,120 Speaker 1: so for the next hour, we're not doing whatever. Now 553 00:42:06,160 --> 00:42:08,960 Speaker 1: you go and do whatever you do, eat ice cream, 554 00:42:09,400 --> 00:42:13,880 Speaker 1: watch Law and Order, journal, breathe, jump up in debt, whatever, 555 00:42:14,440 --> 00:42:17,480 Speaker 1: and then thirty minutes from now you'll come back and 556 00:42:17,560 --> 00:42:20,080 Speaker 1: say are we ready to talk about this? And if 557 00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:23,560 Speaker 1: you're not, leave it, because you can always talk about 558 00:42:23,560 --> 00:42:26,280 Speaker 1: it the next day or two days later on the weekend. 559 00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:30,759 Speaker 1: But somebody, when you see the pattern starting ring that 560 00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:33,920 Speaker 1: bell and separate, I mean, it's a it's not a 561 00:42:33,960 --> 00:42:36,959 Speaker 1: wonderful thing, it is. I like that idea a lot. 562 00:42:37,840 --> 00:42:40,600 Speaker 1: Try it, see how it works. I will, I will. 563 00:42:40,719 --> 00:42:44,279 Speaker 1: I really like that. And here's a you know, if 564 00:42:44,280 --> 00:42:46,280 Speaker 1: you really want to take it to the next level, 565 00:42:46,920 --> 00:42:51,000 Speaker 1: what will be the consequence that a person has to 566 00:42:51,120 --> 00:42:59,399 Speaker 1: pay if they speak after the bell? Is wrong? To see. 567 00:42:59,560 --> 00:43:03,359 Speaker 1: If there's no consequence, you'll continue to do it. So 568 00:43:03,440 --> 00:43:07,839 Speaker 1: what is a consequence? Okay, I got a couple I 569 00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:12,840 Speaker 1: can offer. So let's say if anybody speaks after the 570 00:43:12,880 --> 00:43:16,600 Speaker 1: bell rings, that person has to get up, go out 571 00:43:16,640 --> 00:43:22,040 Speaker 1: into the street and give away three single dollars just 572 00:43:22,160 --> 00:43:24,920 Speaker 1: to strangers. Just go out in the street. You gotta 573 00:43:25,080 --> 00:43:27,200 Speaker 1: put your coat on, put your shoes, on, put your 574 00:43:27,239 --> 00:43:30,120 Speaker 1: teeth in, put your wig on, go out in the street, 575 00:43:30,320 --> 00:43:33,080 Speaker 1: and give away three single dollars to three separate people. 576 00:43:33,400 --> 00:43:38,920 Speaker 1: That's a consequence. Okay. Another consequence is the person who 577 00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:42,120 Speaker 1: speaks after the bell rings has to scrub the bathroom 578 00:43:42,200 --> 00:43:45,640 Speaker 1: floor with a toothbrush. So you get a pack of 579 00:43:45,719 --> 00:43:49,359 Speaker 1: cheap toothbrushes and some eight. You gotta scrub the bathroom floor. 580 00:43:49,440 --> 00:43:52,239 Speaker 1: Get on your hands and knees with that toothbrush and 581 00:43:52,320 --> 00:43:55,640 Speaker 1: scrub that floor if you speak after that bell rings. 582 00:43:56,640 --> 00:43:59,719 Speaker 1: So the two of you agree to the time you're 583 00:43:59,719 --> 00:44:04,279 Speaker 1: gonna separate and come up with a consequence that has 584 00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:08,000 Speaker 1: to be paid if the person continues to speak after 585 00:44:08,040 --> 00:44:10,200 Speaker 1: the bell ring. I mean, this is something that the 586 00:44:10,239 --> 00:44:13,200 Speaker 1: two of y'all can do. I love it. I do too. 587 00:44:13,640 --> 00:44:17,280 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for that. I am extremely grateful 588 00:44:17,520 --> 00:44:21,759 Speaker 1: for your time, for your wisdom. I am thank you 589 00:44:21,800 --> 00:44:24,000 Speaker 1: so much. Okay, as soon as you hang up, go 590 00:44:24,080 --> 00:44:35,400 Speaker 1: burn your medical degree. Okay, bye. Self diagnosis leads to 591 00:44:35,680 --> 00:44:42,680 Speaker 1: misdiagnosis because if you knew what was wrong, chances are 592 00:44:43,080 --> 00:44:48,160 Speaker 1: you would do everything possible to fix it. You cannot 593 00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:55,400 Speaker 1: go around diagnosing yourself. When we're diagnosing ourselves. There's a 594 00:44:55,400 --> 00:44:59,880 Speaker 1: piece of us that doesn't want us to know it does. 595 00:45:00,000 --> 00:45:03,600 Speaker 1: I want us to know what's wrong because we know 596 00:45:04,600 --> 00:45:08,000 Speaker 1: that part of us knows. If they find out who 597 00:45:08,040 --> 00:45:10,200 Speaker 1: I am, they're gonna get rid of me. So I'm 598 00:45:10,239 --> 00:45:14,840 Speaker 1: gonna hide myself, cover myself. I'm gonna tell them whatever 599 00:45:15,120 --> 00:45:18,560 Speaker 1: they need to know. And most of all, if you 600 00:45:18,600 --> 00:45:24,480 Speaker 1: are diagnosing yourself, you need help. I hope this has 601 00:45:24,520 --> 00:45:27,120 Speaker 1: been helpful to someone, And if you have a question 602 00:45:27,560 --> 00:45:31,680 Speaker 1: about this or any other relationship issue, you can call 603 00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:35,760 Speaker 1: me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven 604 00:45:35,840 --> 00:45:38,359 Speaker 1: seven sixty eight. Now be sure to follow me on 605 00:45:38,400 --> 00:45:42,359 Speaker 1: social media for all of the calling times, and until then, 606 00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:50,040 Speaker 1: stay in peace not peace. The R Spot is a 607 00:45:50,120 --> 00:45:55,640 Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more 608 00:45:55,719 --> 00:46:01,160 Speaker 1: podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, 609 00:46:01,400 --> 00:46:04,080 Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.