1 00:00:01,120 --> 00:00:15,720 Speaker 1: This episode contains sensitive topics. Listening discretion is a vice. Hey, 2 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:20,639 Speaker 1: professional homegirls, it's your favorite phg here way And after 3 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:24,279 Speaker 1: diving into the chilling world of online dating in part one, 4 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:28,320 Speaker 1: we're diving even deeper in Part two. My guest bravely 5 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:31,560 Speaker 1: opens up about the details of her case, shedding light 6 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:34,360 Speaker 1: on the role her parents played in her trauma, and 7 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:38,320 Speaker 1: discussing the challenges of life after this situation. Get ready 8 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:42,040 Speaker 1: for an insightful exploration as we navigate through the aftermath 9 00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:47,320 Speaker 1: of her dating app Nightmare Part two starts Now, Yeah, 10 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,680 Speaker 1: I am so sorry this happened to you, and I 11 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:52,760 Speaker 1: am also very happy that you are being a voice 12 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:54,560 Speaker 1: for the voiceless, because I do think that a lot 13 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:58,840 Speaker 1: of survivors, especially women of color, don't feel protected, don't 14 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:01,280 Speaker 1: feel like there's a point the share they story. So 15 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:02,720 Speaker 1: I feel like when a lot of people do hear 16 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:04,959 Speaker 1: this story, I really feel like you're going to give 17 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:06,880 Speaker 1: them the hope that they need. 18 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:09,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's hard to be a woman of color 19 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,800 Speaker 2: and bring out color because people get exhausted. It's not 20 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:15,520 Speaker 2: about you being black. All women that are raped have 21 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:21,440 Speaker 2: yes right, All women of all ethnicities have the same 22 00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:25,479 Speaker 2: common ground of the emotional distress and trauma that we feel. 23 00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:29,720 Speaker 2: But it would be the most ignorant statement in the 24 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:32,679 Speaker 2: world not to address the fact of the. 25 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:36,400 Speaker 3: History women of color. That's a fact, our. 26 00:01:36,319 --> 00:01:40,560 Speaker 2: Value not being the same of others of other cultures. 27 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:44,240 Speaker 2: It has been very present. It's statistically no, it's not like, 28 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:49,120 Speaker 2: well I feel it's like this. No, the laws, the policy, 29 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:52,040 Speaker 2: and the ad it's in the history. I mean, it 30 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:54,600 Speaker 2: speaks for what it is. And so I think, like 31 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:56,760 Speaker 2: even in my journey, the first time I came across 32 00:01:56,760 --> 00:02:01,360 Speaker 2: somebody of color that was being the bailiff, I went 33 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:05,000 Speaker 2: two years dealing with this. Nobody in prosecution, nobody in 34 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:08,760 Speaker 2: the local law life, none of the advocates, Nobody looks 35 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:13,360 Speaker 2: like me. That's a problem because I know historically that 36 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,160 Speaker 2: is something that's going to be on my mind as 37 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:15,800 Speaker 2: a black woman. 38 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:17,640 Speaker 3: Yeah, you know. 39 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,919 Speaker 1: But I also hope that this encouraged people to do 40 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,359 Speaker 1: more things in the legal system, like be a part 41 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,120 Speaker 1: of the system, like because we need more of us 42 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:27,320 Speaker 1: in it, because I mean, we already know the legal 43 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:29,840 Speaker 1: system wasn't creative for us anyway. It was built to 44 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:32,080 Speaker 1: put us in a certain position. So I just wish 45 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,640 Speaker 1: I just really do hope that more people want to 46 00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:37,440 Speaker 1: do more jobs in this system so we can have 47 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,560 Speaker 1: some justice out of equality. 48 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:42,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think more so it comes from just 49 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,440 Speaker 2: you know, when I see somebody that. 50 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:51,400 Speaker 3: Looks like me, you feel seen, like you feel, I 51 00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:51,840 Speaker 3: feel a. 52 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:56,679 Speaker 2: Little safer because Okay, somebody might get some of my hesitation, 53 00:02:56,880 --> 00:03:01,120 Speaker 2: or they might understand my you know, remniss with certain 54 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:02,040 Speaker 2: things that are being. 55 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:04,160 Speaker 3: You can speak my language, right, And so. 56 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:07,200 Speaker 2: Just being in the public health sect, getting more individuals 57 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:09,520 Speaker 2: that want to do public health sector type jobs or 58 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:12,920 Speaker 2: social services. You know, a lot of us that are 59 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:16,040 Speaker 2: of color tend to typically be in some form of hospitality. 60 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:19,800 Speaker 2: They may do a lot of teaching some form of 61 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:23,840 Speaker 2: health care, you know, but we don't have a lot 62 00:03:23,919 --> 00:03:28,200 Speaker 2: that are prosecutors, that are buges, that are again the 63 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:30,799 Speaker 2: advocates that we need to actually be working with to 64 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:35,840 Speaker 2: support us through the system, or having again enough survivors 65 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:39,280 Speaker 2: to come forth to now be mentors or at least 66 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:42,280 Speaker 2: an inspiration to show this is how you can look. 67 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:44,560 Speaker 2: Once you go through, You're gonna have to go through, 68 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:47,800 Speaker 2: but there is still thriving on the other side of that. 69 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:50,080 Speaker 2: You can still find love, like I did, even in 70 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:52,360 Speaker 2: the midst of all of this, still being able to 71 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:55,240 Speaker 2: be open enough to find love for the first healthy 72 00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:59,080 Speaker 2: experience my entire life. So like there's still pockets of 73 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,520 Speaker 2: sunshine even in the midst of the storm. 74 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:03,880 Speaker 3: Were you hesitant to get married? 75 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:11,440 Speaker 2: I wasn't hesitant to get married as I was in 76 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:14,440 Speaker 2: the beginning, because he loved me into that like I 77 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:18,160 Speaker 2: had no and I was surprised because I've been divorced. 78 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:21,320 Speaker 2: It would have been almost seventeen years from my first marriage, 79 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:24,240 Speaker 2: and not because I didn't have people to ask me. 80 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:26,640 Speaker 2: But I was just very hesitant to get married again 81 00:04:26,839 --> 00:04:28,839 Speaker 2: because I knew once I get married again, that's it. 82 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:33,240 Speaker 2: We're not doing thing. But I was hesitant to commit 83 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:38,320 Speaker 2: to him into a monogamous relationship. I was okay with dating. 84 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:41,599 Speaker 2: You know, I ain't being funny, But black folks we 85 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:45,080 Speaker 2: don't really date like white folks. They I always do 86 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:50,200 Speaker 2: people they they they gonna have John And it makes sense. 87 00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:52,200 Speaker 2: Let me see who do I best connect with. 88 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:53,640 Speaker 3: But figure out what you like. 89 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:55,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, we gotta go to dinner. We might need to 90 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:57,480 Speaker 2: bowl before we get into a committed We. 91 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:03,240 Speaker 1: Just us right one week thinking that you can't talk 92 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:04,560 Speaker 1: abutbody else. 93 00:05:04,839 --> 00:05:08,839 Speaker 2: He even hasn't been said, Like there's been no statement 94 00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:13,599 Speaker 2: that we're in a committed monogamous relationship. It's implied. I 95 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:17,280 Speaker 2: don't do implication. I'm like white folks. I'm gonna be 96 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:21,559 Speaker 2: very open and with him, and I was very clear 97 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,440 Speaker 2: with him. The reason I didn't want to commit is 98 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,600 Speaker 2: I didn't trust my decisions because I had had not 99 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:31,960 Speaker 2: ever made I did not I had not made good 100 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,920 Speaker 2: decisions and relationships because I made most of my decisions 101 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:38,240 Speaker 2: in a hurt place. So a lot of things that 102 00:05:38,279 --> 00:05:40,480 Speaker 2: I did and a lot of people that I entertained 103 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:44,120 Speaker 2: that I should not have or got into a relationship 104 00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:47,520 Speaker 2: and should have left and stayed was because of my 105 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:51,640 Speaker 2: hurt place. And though I hadn't been in a serious 106 00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:56,960 Speaker 2: relationship for some years. When my husband came along, he 107 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:58,839 Speaker 2: was like too good to be true, Like you don't 108 00:05:58,839 --> 00:06:01,000 Speaker 2: want to have sense with me. You got your own 109 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:04,239 Speaker 2: house that you built, you got a career, not a job. 110 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:08,760 Speaker 2: You're like respectful, you don't need me. Like for me 111 00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:11,000 Speaker 2: to be with a man that did not need me, 112 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:13,880 Speaker 2: that's a turn it's a turn on. But it was 113 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:18,960 Speaker 2: scary because I had not experienced it. It was completely 114 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:21,920 Speaker 2: foreign territory to me. And I tell people all the time, 115 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:23,680 Speaker 2: you know, and that's why I do a lot of 116 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:26,039 Speaker 2: stuff to get women in check. Men have to deal 117 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:28,440 Speaker 2: with toxic women all the time and they don't get 118 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:30,960 Speaker 2: credit for that. And so women have to deal with 119 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,279 Speaker 2: a toxic man. He ain't no good. He is, but 120 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:36,480 Speaker 2: there's a lot of us women that go into relationships 121 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:40,120 Speaker 2: that we've never had a healthy relationship and we're toxic. 122 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:42,520 Speaker 2: And so you had to deal with someone that had 123 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:45,960 Speaker 2: just been raped, that has also been a survivor of trafficking, 124 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:49,360 Speaker 2: and that their last relationship was not a healthy relationship. 125 00:06:49,839 --> 00:06:52,919 Speaker 2: So I was telling him, look, I just want to 126 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,400 Speaker 2: be friends for right now. And the best thing he 127 00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:58,760 Speaker 2: said to me was, I'm in your space. However you 128 00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:01,279 Speaker 2: want this to go. Whether we just stay friends, I'm 129 00:07:01,279 --> 00:07:03,360 Speaker 2: fine with that. Whether you want to move on, I'm 130 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:06,800 Speaker 2: fine with that. Like there was no pressure and he 131 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:10,080 Speaker 2: did not want to be with me intimately, which I 132 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:15,240 Speaker 2: tell people, even though I am licensed in ministry, sex 133 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:17,440 Speaker 2: has been my my love language since i've been not 134 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,600 Speaker 2: I mean, unfortunately, I was exposed to it at a 135 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,640 Speaker 2: young age, So I'm that's what it. 136 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:25,040 Speaker 1: Is, right, You know what's so funny. The whole time 137 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:27,760 Speaker 1: you was talking for some reason, I'm like, I know. 138 00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:31,320 Speaker 3: She in a church. She you and you you need 139 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:34,320 Speaker 3: a preaching. You're doing something because I can hear you 140 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:35,120 Speaker 3: in your spirit. 141 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:38,960 Speaker 2: So yeah, yeah, So I'm My denomination that I fellowship 142 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,560 Speaker 2: with regularly is Church of God in Christ, and I 143 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:46,640 Speaker 2: am considered a license evangelist missionary, but official title, I'm 144 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:49,480 Speaker 2: a Supervisor of Women. So that's basically someone that works 145 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:53,480 Speaker 2: alongside a bishop over a jurisdiction or territory, and I'm 146 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:57,240 Speaker 2: over Senegal, Gambia, What's Africa, which with me was perfect 147 00:07:57,280 --> 00:08:01,840 Speaker 2: because they deal with habitual sexual violence in that culture, 148 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:07,600 Speaker 2: but locally. Again, for me, it was not to say 149 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:11,520 Speaker 2: I wanted to be intimate. It was I was expecting 150 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:16,600 Speaker 2: to have that be a struggle, because that's typically when 151 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:19,440 Speaker 2: you date someone, you know you're expected. If y'all are 152 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,000 Speaker 2: in something, or if you're in a long term relationship, 153 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:25,160 Speaker 2: there's an expectation or you have an expectation they'll at 154 00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:28,280 Speaker 2: least try something, even if you're the one trying to 155 00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:32,640 Speaker 2: be you know, abstinent or whatever. When you have affection 156 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:36,880 Speaker 2: and feeling and emotions for something, it's natural to have 157 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:41,000 Speaker 2: that connection. We're meant to be creatures that are intimate 158 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:43,600 Speaker 2: with one another. That's why we were put together period. 159 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,760 Speaker 2: But the fact that he told me, I don't want 160 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,840 Speaker 2: to be like anybody else you dealt with. I want 161 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:52,280 Speaker 2: to show you that you can be loved for you. 162 00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:57,400 Speaker 2: And I actually was in therapy about that, yeah, because 163 00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,640 Speaker 2: at first I thought, well, maybe he's not attracted to 164 00:08:59,679 --> 00:09:02,760 Speaker 2: me because he's not going there. She was like, no, 165 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:06,080 Speaker 2: you need to learn how to love without sex. 166 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:09,079 Speaker 3: Yeah, you started with you because that's all you. 167 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:11,640 Speaker 2: Know, That's all I know. And so it was really 168 00:09:11,679 --> 00:09:14,760 Speaker 2: a growth experience for me, and it was a trust 169 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:17,320 Speaker 2: experience because he never left and this is before we 170 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:20,320 Speaker 2: were even in a relationship. He was present when I 171 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:24,240 Speaker 2: found out that the Feds had released my perpetrator after 172 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:26,240 Speaker 2: the state said he wasn't going to be released. This 173 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:29,280 Speaker 2: was before the trial, and they didn't right because they said, 174 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,640 Speaker 2: I'm not their victim. So it was the state's job 175 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:33,880 Speaker 2: to notify me as the victim, and they did not 176 00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,760 Speaker 2: another place that they dropped the ball. And so he 177 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,439 Speaker 2: was with me when I went to the police department 178 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:42,000 Speaker 2: to talk to the detective who would not meet with me, 179 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:45,480 Speaker 2: and her call to me was there's nothing we can do. 180 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:48,160 Speaker 2: And I sat in that police department with him crying 181 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:52,760 Speaker 2: on his shoulder December twenty first, December twenty excuse me 182 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,320 Speaker 2: of twenty twenty one. And he has literally not left 183 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:59,080 Speaker 2: my side since then. And that's the kind of God 184 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,360 Speaker 2: knew the kind of love that I needed at that space, 185 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,680 Speaker 2: and it was, you know, it was a sense of 186 00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:08,240 Speaker 2: me feeling protected having somebody that despite my emotional ups 187 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:11,000 Speaker 2: and downs, despite not knowing what I want to do 188 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,680 Speaker 2: with myself from day to day at times, he has 189 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:16,839 Speaker 2: managed to stay right there by my side and take it. 190 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:19,880 Speaker 2: But to be very honest with me to say this 191 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:22,240 Speaker 2: is not okay, let's do this, Or when I don't 192 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:24,520 Speaker 2: want to leave the house, he'll be come on, let's 193 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:28,240 Speaker 2: go eat like he's he can be. And he helps 194 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:31,920 Speaker 2: me better manage my emotions to where I don't get 195 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,920 Speaker 2: stuck in a place. And that's the best type of 196 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:34,800 Speaker 2: partner you can have. 197 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:39,199 Speaker 3: Yeah, not to get in your business or anything. And respectfully, 198 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:39,840 Speaker 3: was it. 199 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:42,960 Speaker 2: Because you're saying it because you're about to. That's why 200 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,000 Speaker 2: I love when we do that. 201 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:46,959 Speaker 1: But go ahead, all right, but I want to be respectful, 202 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,360 Speaker 1: But was it hard for you to enjoy sex? 203 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,800 Speaker 2: Well, you know, that's a good question, and I'm open 204 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:55,920 Speaker 2: to answering that because we don't talk about that enough. 205 00:10:56,559 --> 00:11:02,640 Speaker 2: Right have been and sexually violent occurrences. We never talk 206 00:11:02,679 --> 00:11:03,960 Speaker 2: about sexual. 207 00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:07,880 Speaker 3: Healing, right because you deserve pleasure, I do. 208 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:18,400 Speaker 2: I think it was hard for me to accept sexual 209 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:22,520 Speaker 2: pleasure without shame and guilt in the beginning because I'm 210 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:25,320 Speaker 2: still thinking about what happened to me. I'm still thinking 211 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:29,920 Speaker 2: about you know, I can still see visually, I can 212 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:32,839 Speaker 2: still smell him, I can still so like there's still 213 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:36,480 Speaker 2: that's so fresh with me. That was different and also 214 00:11:36,559 --> 00:11:40,400 Speaker 2: difficult because my my husband was tiptoeing with me, so 215 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:46,080 Speaker 2: it was like we could I feel really both completely 216 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:50,960 Speaker 2: enjoy being intimate because he's scared that he's going to 217 00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:54,840 Speaker 2: trigger me. He doesn't want to overstep and seem over 218 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:59,600 Speaker 2: sexualized to understand where I matter, to give me time 219 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,600 Speaker 2: I'm wanting more. I'm like no, I'm good. 220 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,559 Speaker 3: Like right, right, like, come on, we don't know what 221 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:07,000 Speaker 3: let's do it right, right, right. 222 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,480 Speaker 2: But you know I have to And this is something 223 00:12:09,559 --> 00:12:13,000 Speaker 2: even recently I had this conversation with him. I had 224 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:19,560 Speaker 2: to realize that I can be intimate and I know this, 225 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:23,400 Speaker 2: but that I can be intimate without actual sex. That 226 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:30,040 Speaker 2: I really had to learn how to go from intimate 227 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:33,680 Speaker 2: conversation to just you know, how we set it up 228 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:37,199 Speaker 2: with text messages leading to a moment, How just walking 229 00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:39,880 Speaker 2: down the street and us holding hands or him just 230 00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:43,080 Speaker 2: coming out and sitting next to me just being pleasant 231 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:46,760 Speaker 2: is y. And so I really had to kind of 232 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:51,920 Speaker 2: redevelop my definition of intimacy that I felt I needed 233 00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:56,160 Speaker 2: because I really had a warped view based on my 234 00:12:56,320 --> 00:13:01,000 Speaker 2: sexual past that has been so violent and dysfunction. And 235 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:06,520 Speaker 2: so we are still learning to let go. But again 236 00:13:06,559 --> 00:13:10,040 Speaker 2: this is so fresh for me, Like it's still fresh. 237 00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:15,280 Speaker 2: I'm still learning how to say to him, I'm not okay, 238 00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,200 Speaker 2: Like I'm just I just want you to hold me, 239 00:13:17,679 --> 00:13:21,480 Speaker 2: like just let's just cuddle, you know. Like so me 240 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:23,880 Speaker 2: even being more vocal, which is new for me as 241 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:26,640 Speaker 2: a survivor. I never used to be sexually vocal. Like 242 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,920 Speaker 2: I've gone decades and not been pleasured, and you know, 243 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:33,240 Speaker 2: you fake it, you do whatever, because it's all seizing 244 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:36,040 Speaker 2: the man. That's what I was bred in my head 245 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:39,680 Speaker 2: by my father. So I never really cared to express 246 00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:43,240 Speaker 2: what I wanted or needed to even feel that I 247 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:46,560 Speaker 2: could have pleasure even when I was being trafficked. Nothing 248 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:48,360 Speaker 2: was about my pleasure. It was about I have a 249 00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:49,800 Speaker 2: job to do, get all my knees or get on 250 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:52,880 Speaker 2: my back, get the four hundred, bring it back, pay 251 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:55,680 Speaker 2: the bills, shut up, keep the house clean. Like So, 252 00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:59,760 Speaker 2: there was never a space in my learning about what's 253 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:02,760 Speaker 2: said vitual interaction and pleasure and just the whole umbrella 254 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,440 Speaker 2: of intimacy was there was never a space for me. 255 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:09,120 Speaker 2: And so now I'm carving out in this new relationship, 256 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:12,720 Speaker 2: it'd be more commutative. And that's sometimes hard for men 257 00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:17,480 Speaker 2: to take. All men don't want to hear that what 258 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:20,400 Speaker 2: they think they're doing is is not all of what 259 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:23,280 Speaker 2: you need because something go into it, like, oh I bother, 260 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:26,000 Speaker 2: lay it down. I know how to be woman. I've 261 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,640 Speaker 2: never had a complaint in the past. 262 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:29,960 Speaker 3: Well you've been and don't know how to do nothing, 263 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:30,840 Speaker 3: and you've. 264 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:35,040 Speaker 2: Never been with me, and every threaty and every body's 265 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:39,520 Speaker 2: journey intimately is so very different, and so I am 266 00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:42,680 Speaker 2: really it's a healthy and it's a new thing. But 267 00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:46,080 Speaker 2: it's been great learning how to explore my voice being 268 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:52,560 Speaker 2: able to explore intimacy without intercourse and finding different ways 269 00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:55,840 Speaker 2: that I can be fulfilled without the act that I 270 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:57,400 Speaker 2: was made to do for so long. 271 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:01,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, that was good, and I'm happy that you answer 272 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:03,479 Speaker 1: that because I do feel like a lot of survivors 273 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,440 Speaker 1: you look proud. 274 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,600 Speaker 2: I'm glad that you went there, because a lot of people, 275 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,880 Speaker 2: especially in ministry, wouldn't even answer that, and then there's 276 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:13,320 Speaker 2: a lot of people in general that they won't. But 277 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:15,800 Speaker 2: those are topics that need to be talked about, like 278 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,640 Speaker 2: fex is what it is like. It's not a yeah, 279 00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:21,200 Speaker 2: you can't, but it's a real issue that we don't 280 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:23,200 Speaker 2: talk about sexual healing and that's. 281 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,880 Speaker 1: Very yeah too, or itslaite people who want to ask, 282 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,320 Speaker 1: but they too embarrassed, are too shameful to even ask. 283 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:30,400 Speaker 1: So I really do appreciate you answering that question. 284 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:32,880 Speaker 3: Yeah, Now, can you sue a dating app? 285 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,720 Speaker 2: I don't really, I don't. I don't think so. I 286 00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:39,960 Speaker 2: think they have it kind of buffer to where what 287 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,640 Speaker 2: you decide to do once you off the platform is 288 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,280 Speaker 2: on you. Now. Whether or not you can fight for 289 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:49,200 Speaker 2: them to have more disclaimers in different things and safe 290 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,840 Speaker 2: dating that's another thing. But do I want to take 291 00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,480 Speaker 2: that challenge up. No, I don't have that. Yeah, to 292 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:58,800 Speaker 2: take that on with everything else that we can contend 293 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:01,200 Speaker 2: with and fight for, that's just battle. I'll let another 294 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:05,040 Speaker 2: cohort of survivors deal with that, which I'm pretty confident. 295 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:09,440 Speaker 2: There are those that they stay on, you know, the 296 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:14,200 Speaker 2: social media having more of accountability, like what the Congress 297 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:16,560 Speaker 2: is doing now with social media and the fact that 298 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:21,239 Speaker 2: girls have such a high rate of anxiety that again suicide, 299 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:25,560 Speaker 2: dealing with the pressures of social media and sexting and 300 00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:29,360 Speaker 2: this and that, which more adversely affects women. They're fighting 301 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:32,640 Speaker 2: behind that. So there's different pockets that are trying. But 302 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:35,880 Speaker 2: we all know that a lot of the individuals that 303 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:39,880 Speaker 2: are in the spaces of creating laws and loopholes financially 304 00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:44,280 Speaker 2: benefit from these platforms and things that come out of 305 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:45,360 Speaker 2: these livelihoods. 306 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,600 Speaker 1: What has the journey of forgiveness looked like with your 307 00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,400 Speaker 1: mom and father, because I feel like a lot of 308 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:01,960 Speaker 1: the trauma that you have endure was introduced to you 309 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:02,440 Speaker 1: by them. 310 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:13,280 Speaker 2: It was so was my father. You know, I loved 311 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:16,440 Speaker 2: my dad, like I talk about, I was the only 312 00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:22,160 Speaker 2: child at the time my mom. So my mom ran 313 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:25,200 Speaker 2: away from home my grandparents. My grandfather was in the 314 00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:27,840 Speaker 2: Air Force. He was stationed at Westover Air Force Base 315 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,960 Speaker 2: in chickbe Massachusetts. My mother went away at like fourteen, 316 00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:33,760 Speaker 2: fifteen years old. She has one story as to why 317 00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:36,560 Speaker 2: she ran away. The family has another story as he 318 00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:39,440 Speaker 2: ran away. I'll never know the whole truth, and nothing 319 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:43,000 Speaker 2: but the truth will helped me. But once she ran away, 320 00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:50,000 Speaker 2: she was what's that hitch hiking? She was hitch hiking 321 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,000 Speaker 2: and met my dad. My dad picked her up. My 322 00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,880 Speaker 2: dad was eighteen years old and she spent the rest 323 00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:57,880 Speaker 2: of his life with him. However, how oh was she 324 00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:02,399 Speaker 2: she was fourteen? Yeah, this was in the seventies, so 325 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:05,240 Speaker 2: you know this is woodstock. You know, they ain't in 326 00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:07,280 Speaker 2: thaws and none of that. You know what I'm saying, 327 00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:10,560 Speaker 2: it's love and be free. There was definitely a lot 328 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:14,879 Speaker 2: more trusting society back then than it is now. But 329 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:17,239 Speaker 2: he picked her up, brought her back home again. My 330 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,280 Speaker 2: father was an only child. My mom had ran away. 331 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:22,959 Speaker 2: So when I grew up on the East Coast, I 332 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:26,000 Speaker 2: was very sheltered. My parents did not go to church. 333 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:29,800 Speaker 2: There's no extended family. My mother was not close with 334 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,320 Speaker 2: my grandmother, so I was over there, but it was 335 00:18:32,359 --> 00:18:35,320 Speaker 2: not like she was a very prominent force in my 336 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:39,960 Speaker 2: life growing up. I worked nights. She was an LVN 337 00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:43,920 Speaker 2: working with seniors that had mental retardation, so she worked 338 00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:46,239 Speaker 2: all night. My dad worked during the day, so that 339 00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:48,840 Speaker 2: meant I was home with my dad all night long 340 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:52,240 Speaker 2: every day, and I idolized my dad. My dad was 341 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:54,760 Speaker 2: the one because she worked all night, she slept all day. 342 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,520 Speaker 2: So all the extracurricular things as a kid I did, 343 00:18:57,560 --> 00:18:58,080 Speaker 2: I did with. 344 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,480 Speaker 3: My dad, which took me to the park. 345 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,600 Speaker 2: He's the one take me to the races and the 346 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:06,600 Speaker 2: WWF matches and all of that. So when my father 347 00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:11,199 Speaker 2: comes and calls me in his room one night, I'm coming. 348 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:14,160 Speaker 2: I'm gonna come and jump bed, and we're watching TV 349 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,600 Speaker 2: below and behold the TV he has on his pornography, 350 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,439 Speaker 2: And so he starts to groom me by having me 351 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,679 Speaker 2: come in at night to watch pornography with him, and 352 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:26,360 Speaker 2: then from there it turns into him actually teaching me, well, 353 00:19:26,359 --> 00:19:29,119 Speaker 2: this is how people love each other and what me 354 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:30,680 Speaker 2: and mom do, and this is what I want to 355 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:33,560 Speaker 2: do with you because I love you. So now he's 356 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:39,280 Speaker 2: having me to mirror what's happening on television, and so 357 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:42,080 Speaker 2: my grooming process is I can't tell Mom because she'll 358 00:19:42,119 --> 00:19:44,280 Speaker 2: be jealous and we don't want her to be hurt. 359 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:48,160 Speaker 2: So me and him have a pack that these things 360 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:50,360 Speaker 2: that I'm doing to him over the next two years 361 00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:54,640 Speaker 2: is only between us. It feels wrong. I know something's 362 00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:56,640 Speaker 2: not right, but there's no outlet. So who am I 363 00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:59,679 Speaker 2: don't go to church to know a moral compass. I 364 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:04,159 Speaker 2: don't cousins, brothers, or nothing around that I could even tell. 365 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:07,439 Speaker 2: So I went on with that relationship with him for 366 00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:11,119 Speaker 2: two years. And when I saw my mom fighting my father, 367 00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:14,640 Speaker 2: which they she busted up cast iron scalet on his head, 368 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:18,240 Speaker 2: and they're fighting, and you know, I'm blaming her. I'm 369 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:21,120 Speaker 2: thinking she and the bad guy. Why are you beating 370 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:25,560 Speaker 2: up on my dad, not knowing that the reason they're 371 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:28,920 Speaker 2: fighting is because they were actually on drugs at the time. 372 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:33,080 Speaker 2: They were both on crack. Started off with primos, where 373 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:36,320 Speaker 2: you put cocaine in the white and a week uh huh. 374 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:39,440 Speaker 2: And then from there my mom actually got on cocaine. 375 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:44,440 Speaker 2: My father followed because he loved her, but when he 376 00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:48,560 Speaker 2: got on it, he couldn't manage it. Cocaine and cocaine 377 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:51,880 Speaker 2: easily went to crack. And at that point is when 378 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:55,080 Speaker 2: I always say my life fell apart, because when my 379 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,920 Speaker 2: father got on crack, he was out there. I mean, 380 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:01,639 Speaker 2: I had crackheads come into birthday parties. I'm in the 381 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,479 Speaker 2: car with them, I'm on the block with him. Like 382 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:07,719 Speaker 2: That's when I got exposed to a whole nother life. 383 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:13,120 Speaker 2: And then he, unfortunately, he decided to leave my mom. 384 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:16,959 Speaker 2: He got clean at church Church of God in christis 385 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:19,320 Speaker 2: actually how I started in the lineage with them. He 386 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:22,600 Speaker 2: had my older brother who has a child by he 387 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:26,440 Speaker 2: reached out to her and got into church. And six 388 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:29,240 Speaker 2: months after being clean, he had a withdrawal seizure behind 389 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:33,080 Speaker 2: the wheel after dropping me off at the shelter with 390 00:21:33,119 --> 00:21:36,879 Speaker 2: my mom, and that was he should turn into a 391 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:40,600 Speaker 2: heart attack. He pushed his foot on the gas pumps 392 00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:44,600 Speaker 2: and drove his car into twelve thousand gallons of gasoline 393 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:48,080 Speaker 2: on Columbus Avenue and the car engulfed in flames, and 394 00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:51,239 Speaker 2: he burnt to death at thirty nine years old. So 395 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:55,000 Speaker 2: I let losing him. And I always talk about people, 396 00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:58,840 Speaker 2: I get emotional because you would think I'm already a 397 00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:01,920 Speaker 2: fractured person because I had this relationship with my dad. 398 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:04,880 Speaker 2: I've been assaulted by other members of my family as 399 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:10,560 Speaker 2: well that assaulted me. But that point was the beginning 400 00:22:11,119 --> 00:22:14,800 Speaker 2: of the worst time of my life because my mother 401 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:18,679 Speaker 2: lost it. She did not know how to cope. I 402 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:21,480 Speaker 2: see her now in a different lens than I did younger, 403 00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,080 Speaker 2: because there was a time I couldn't forgive her. But 404 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:28,320 Speaker 2: that space, she lost everything she knew. She lost the 405 00:22:28,359 --> 00:22:29,280 Speaker 2: love of her life. 406 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:30,320 Speaker 3: It broke her. 407 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:33,240 Speaker 2: It just completely broke her. And so what she then did, 408 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:36,480 Speaker 2: and this is what I don't comprehend. She was able 409 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,880 Speaker 2: to see me now as a means to an end, 410 00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:41,800 Speaker 2: and at that point she started to groom me to 411 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:44,919 Speaker 2: get money from men, which allowed her not to have 412 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:47,560 Speaker 2: to work because she didn't work, so I was basically 413 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:53,480 Speaker 2: responsible for getting food for paying bills, and so that's 414 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:56,359 Speaker 2: when the grooming process. She moved from Massachusetts to Texas, 415 00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:58,760 Speaker 2: where a lot of my family is from. Marlin, Texas, 416 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,359 Speaker 2: which is a small rule town, which is also a 417 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:04,879 Speaker 2: red flag for these issues that happen. But she started 418 00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:07,280 Speaker 2: to groom me, and I became a habitual liar. I 419 00:23:07,359 --> 00:23:09,359 Speaker 2: was really really good at thirteen years old. When we 420 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:13,760 Speaker 2: moved to Texas, I could lie not to. I was 421 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:17,000 Speaker 2: one of the best, primarily because my mom said, nobody 422 00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:19,320 Speaker 2: can know about what happens at this house, stays at 423 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:22,080 Speaker 2: this house. This house, you don't need to know our business. 424 00:23:22,119 --> 00:23:24,760 Speaker 2: And you tell everybody that our life was great and 425 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:27,639 Speaker 2: everything was good, and you know, go see so and so, 426 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:29,879 Speaker 2: I need twenty dollars, you know, she would. And she 427 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,600 Speaker 2: had an infectious laugh and smile. That's her behind me, 428 00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:37,480 Speaker 2: but she had an smile and laugh to where she 429 00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:40,320 Speaker 2: could talk it in the doing almost anything. That's where 430 00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:42,960 Speaker 2: I get a lot of my attributes that I now 431 00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:47,000 Speaker 2: accept because I longed, if not wanting to be her 432 00:23:47,119 --> 00:23:52,119 Speaker 2: at all, accepted in my more mature state. A lot 433 00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:55,320 Speaker 2: of the best qualities I have I got for my mom, 434 00:23:55,359 --> 00:24:00,680 Speaker 2: but I use them for positive things. My mom was 435 00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:04,359 Speaker 2: a very fashion in her person, and you know, while 436 00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:06,560 Speaker 2: she was in the thicket of her crack addiction, because 437 00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:08,919 Speaker 2: she was very I didn't know she was on crack. 438 00:24:10,119 --> 00:24:12,720 Speaker 2: Ignorance that I had was I knew she was. I 439 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:16,720 Speaker 2: used to say trifling, but why because she never did 440 00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:20,000 Speaker 2: drugs in front of me, So I just thought it 441 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,719 Speaker 2: was why are you being like why are you acting 442 00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:25,159 Speaker 2: like this? Why do you have to be. Maybe it 443 00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:27,720 Speaker 2: was because she was drinking. I didn't realize she was 444 00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:33,840 Speaker 2: on crack. And it wasn't until a mutual friend was 445 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:35,720 Speaker 2: at the house because I used to have to my 446 00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:37,520 Speaker 2: mom would wait till I got off of school and 447 00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:39,480 Speaker 2: then leave until the next day, so I would be 448 00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:42,120 Speaker 2: having to watch my younger brothers and stay home all day. 449 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:45,639 Speaker 2: And so he came over and was like, hey, you know, 450 00:24:46,359 --> 00:24:48,320 Speaker 2: you know, I didn't realize your mom was on drugs. 451 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,720 Speaker 2: And I was like what, and he was like, yeah, 452 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:53,960 Speaker 2: you know, my cousin just sold her some crack. She 453 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,240 Speaker 2: was at the house and I didn't realize. You didn't know, 454 00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:58,960 Speaker 2: and I don't know why. It was like the moon 455 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:03,040 Speaker 2: and the heavens and every opened up, like, oh my gosh, 456 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:07,560 Speaker 2: this made so much sense as to why all of 457 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,200 Speaker 2: this is happening. And then that's actually when I become 458 00:25:10,359 --> 00:25:14,480 Speaker 2: became rebellious. It was after I had my son at fifteen, 459 00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:17,200 Speaker 2: because I felt like now I had something to live for, 460 00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:20,480 Speaker 2: and she still was not. You know, she was having 461 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:23,720 Speaker 2: cracked heads at the house in front of my right 462 00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:26,600 Speaker 2: and all of this that I finally got a defiance 463 00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:29,400 Speaker 2: about me that I'm done, like I'm not doing anymore. 464 00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:31,760 Speaker 2: There was a guy that tried to break into the 465 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,280 Speaker 2: house while I was pregnant, and I grabbed a machete 466 00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:36,520 Speaker 2: and tried to hack him up, and it was like 467 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:38,960 Speaker 2: it was more and more of those incidences where I'm 468 00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:44,040 Speaker 2: like enough, like I just deal with this anymore, and 469 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:49,320 Speaker 2: that's to go through And that's why I'm like, you know, 470 00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:51,399 Speaker 2: that was just the beginning. That's why I said my 471 00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:54,600 Speaker 2: father dying was not the worst of my life, like 472 00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:57,919 Speaker 2: him deiding me. And that's like the sad thing to 473 00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:01,720 Speaker 2: say that, him carrying on a secon a relationship in 474 00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:05,440 Speaker 2: doing this, embedding in my mindset that I'm no more 475 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:09,480 Speaker 2: than just a man's rag doll, wasn't the worst of 476 00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:12,919 Speaker 2: my life. Like it. It transitioned into this period was 477 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:15,959 Speaker 2: my mom and to be honest, even after I left her, 478 00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:18,400 Speaker 2: because I left her October twenty first, nineteen ninety five, 479 00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:20,560 Speaker 2: I was fifteen years old with a three month old. 480 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:23,200 Speaker 2: My grandmother gave me a one way ticket to come 481 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:26,560 Speaker 2: back to Massachusetts with her. But that wasn't the end 482 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:30,080 Speaker 2: because that's when now I start getting into violent relationships 483 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:30,800 Speaker 2: because I don't have. 484 00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:32,439 Speaker 3: No care right because you don't know no about it. 485 00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:33,320 Speaker 3: That's all, you know. 486 00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:38,440 Speaker 2: I have no idea who I am at all. I'm 487 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:40,680 Speaker 2: just trying to be grown and what that cause. I've 488 00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:43,560 Speaker 2: been quote unquote being grown. That's where I'm I've been 489 00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:46,520 Speaker 2: at fifteen years old. I'm buying homes at twenty. You know, 490 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:49,520 Speaker 2: I'm living a grown life and I'm still not mature 491 00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:55,280 Speaker 2: emotionally healed at this point. But that's when I really 492 00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:58,240 Speaker 2: just started to, you know, realize I wanted to save 493 00:26:58,359 --> 00:27:01,639 Speaker 2: my mom. Like a lot of are back and forth, 494 00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:06,080 Speaker 2: was I wanted a mom like I get emultion because 495 00:27:06,119 --> 00:27:07,920 Speaker 2: now I feel she was stolen from me, just when 496 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:10,679 Speaker 2: when I was starting to really see her as a 497 00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:16,560 Speaker 2: person and not my mom. But I wanted, yeah, like 498 00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:20,639 Speaker 2: I wanted someone. J Barnett, who is a nationally known 499 00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:24,280 Speaker 2: therapist and he works with black men. We just did 500 00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:26,120 Speaker 2: a panel with him in January at the church got 501 00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:29,040 Speaker 2: in Christ's Leadership conference in Atlanta, and he said something 502 00:27:29,119 --> 00:27:31,560 Speaker 2: so profound that had me calling my brothers and my 503 00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:35,479 Speaker 2: children in my life in tears talking to them. He said, 504 00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:38,919 Speaker 2: with black men, we want all black men to be 505 00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:41,399 Speaker 2: stand up and to be fathers to their children, but 506 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:47,240 Speaker 2: they've never been sons. That just struck me because I said, 507 00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:52,040 Speaker 2: it's so profound that we expect from people something they've 508 00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:55,360 Speaker 2: never been, never And it's the same thing with me. 509 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:59,919 Speaker 2: I was expected to be a mom to my younger brothers, 510 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:02,600 Speaker 2: who I had to then step into that role and 511 00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:05,639 Speaker 2: then my own son. And I've never been a daughter. 512 00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:09,960 Speaker 2: I've literally had to be an adult since. 513 00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:12,520 Speaker 3: Nine, was a woman at nine years old. 514 00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:15,199 Speaker 2: Nine and taking care of kids since I've been eleven, Like, 515 00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:19,359 Speaker 2: I've never had the opportunity to know what does a 516 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:23,199 Speaker 2: healthy relationship look like? What are what is it to 517 00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:25,480 Speaker 2: not being an enabler as a parent, What does it 518 00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:27,879 Speaker 2: mean to not have to whoop your kids every single 519 00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:30,240 Speaker 2: time but talk to them and try to understand something 520 00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:33,199 Speaker 2: like I just never had that, And so why am 521 00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:37,960 Speaker 2: I beating myself up to the point where I don't 522 00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:40,960 Speaker 2: allow myself to love or be loved or I continue 523 00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:44,840 Speaker 2: to be toxic in you know, new situations, and like 524 00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:47,880 Speaker 2: why am I doing this to me? And that's why 525 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:52,719 Speaker 2: therapy or just introspective time is so important so you 526 00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:57,320 Speaker 2: understand why are you doing what you're doing? Even at forty, 527 00:28:57,360 --> 00:28:59,640 Speaker 2: I can't keep blaming my mom, Like there's no way 528 00:28:59,640 --> 00:28:59,960 Speaker 2: in the world. 529 00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:02,440 Speaker 3: At some point, what role do you play in us? 530 00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:05,800 Speaker 2: Yes, that's why. You know. Even though I learned to 531 00:29:05,840 --> 00:29:10,120 Speaker 2: be distant from my mom to protect myself, you know, 532 00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:12,800 Speaker 2: I still managed to still have her in my grasp 533 00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:15,160 Speaker 2: to where, okay, you want to start a catering business, wan, 534 00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:16,920 Speaker 2: let me help you do that. Maybe that'll help get 535 00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:19,480 Speaker 2: you right. You know. I took her in a few times. 536 00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:22,200 Speaker 2: She lived with me, even as an adult, and then 537 00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:24,760 Speaker 2: it still wasn't right. And okay, well we got to 538 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:27,760 Speaker 2: go our separate ways. But last two years were life 539 00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:30,800 Speaker 2: because she just died last year, which all of this 540 00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:33,600 Speaker 2: is happening while I'm going through this trial. 541 00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:35,720 Speaker 3: I was not expecting that. 542 00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:38,200 Speaker 2: Two years ago she was in the hospital and my 543 00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:40,640 Speaker 2: brother had told me, and I've always been one I 544 00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:42,480 Speaker 2: may not talk to her on a daily basis, but 545 00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:46,600 Speaker 2: if she's hurt, I'm gonna show up. She lost everything 546 00:29:46,880 --> 00:29:50,120 Speaker 2: in our storm that we had here, a fatal storm, 547 00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:52,880 Speaker 2: winter storm in twenty twenty one. I went by to 548 00:29:53,280 --> 00:29:56,560 Speaker 2: make sure she was good, put her up, got her food, clothed, da, 549 00:29:56,640 --> 00:29:58,720 Speaker 2: da da, Because I'm still not gonna make sure she 550 00:29:58,920 --> 00:29:59,800 Speaker 2: just out there. 551 00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:01,200 Speaker 3: Right right right. 552 00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:03,680 Speaker 2: But when she was in the hospital and I showed up. 553 00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:06,680 Speaker 2: She wasn't expecting me, and I came with balloons and 554 00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:09,560 Speaker 2: I came with some flowers. And when I walked in 555 00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:19,240 Speaker 2: the hospital room, she looked so bad. She just looked 556 00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:24,320 Speaker 2: worn out from life. She just like just a fraction 557 00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:28,080 Speaker 2: of her former self. And for the first time God 558 00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:33,040 Speaker 2: allowed me to see life took its toll on her 559 00:30:33,720 --> 00:30:36,920 Speaker 2: and she just has never been able to find a 560 00:30:37,000 --> 00:30:40,560 Speaker 2: way to cope with life. Something will have a very 561 00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:44,840 Speaker 2: difficult time getting out like I got out. Everybody doesn't 562 00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:51,400 Speaker 2: have or the spiritual relationship to get out mentally, like 563 00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:53,880 Speaker 2: you can be out of the physical situation but still 564 00:30:53,920 --> 00:30:57,120 Speaker 2: be mentally trapped by things that have happened. And so 565 00:30:57,320 --> 00:30:59,440 Speaker 2: for the first time I didn't see her as my mom, 566 00:30:59,840 --> 00:31:02,800 Speaker 2: and God dropped in my spirit at that time. I 567 00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:05,800 Speaker 2: didn't save you for just you and everybody else. I 568 00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:08,360 Speaker 2: saved you to also be an inspiration to your mom. 569 00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:16,040 Speaker 2: And the first time that I truly forgave her, I 570 00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:19,040 Speaker 2: talked a good game. You know, Oh, I forgot my mom, 571 00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:24,120 Speaker 2: but I hadn't truly in my heart forgiven her for 572 00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:29,200 Speaker 2: the path that her bad decisions led me on. But 573 00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:31,840 Speaker 2: when I saw her, I just said, you know, no, 574 00:31:31,920 --> 00:31:34,760 Speaker 2: you're not a good mom. We're just gonna lay it 575 00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:39,520 Speaker 2: out there. But people that know her not as mom, 576 00:31:39,760 --> 00:31:43,280 Speaker 2: loved my mother. They talk about her like me, that 577 00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:45,120 Speaker 2: she was funny, that she would give you the shirt 578 00:31:45,160 --> 00:31:47,040 Speaker 2: off her back, that she would feed, she was a 579 00:31:47,040 --> 00:31:50,920 Speaker 2: great chef. She would feed the community, she'd take you in. 580 00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:55,320 Speaker 2: She was me. But when it comes to being a mother, 581 00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:58,160 Speaker 2: when it comes to being a mother, she didn't have 582 00:31:58,200 --> 00:32:05,120 Speaker 2: the aptitude to do that effectively. And that not to say, 583 00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:07,720 Speaker 2: you know, And toward the end, I do believe she 584 00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:10,120 Speaker 2: loved me. If there was a time I really did 585 00:32:10,120 --> 00:32:13,000 Speaker 2: not think I felt that she was jealous. I felt 586 00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:15,800 Speaker 2: that she did not love me. And so but toward 587 00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:17,880 Speaker 2: the end, and I have voicemails, and I'm so glad 588 00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:20,800 Speaker 2: that I kept them from her. There was a time 589 00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:23,040 Speaker 2: that she would call me, I just love you, and 590 00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:25,840 Speaker 2: I'm sorry and I don't like not talking to you, 591 00:32:25,920 --> 00:32:28,520 Speaker 2: and just call me. Let's do this. And you know, 592 00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:31,600 Speaker 2: she started to come around as well in her older age, 593 00:32:31,680 --> 00:32:35,040 Speaker 2: to realize I've done things to make my kids not 594 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:38,800 Speaker 2: want to be present, and that she had to take 595 00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:42,640 Speaker 2: accountability for her actions and how that affected our relationship, 596 00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:43,160 Speaker 2: and I. 597 00:32:43,120 --> 00:32:44,840 Speaker 3: Can only imagine how that made her feel. 598 00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:48,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, because I started to come out publicly about what 599 00:32:48,160 --> 00:32:51,280 Speaker 2: happened between us, which you know, she said, well, I'm 600 00:32:51,320 --> 00:32:53,680 Speaker 2: getting phone calls and I'm telling people that you know, 601 00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:56,320 Speaker 2: I don't remember everything I did. Okay, just the fact 602 00:32:56,360 --> 00:32:58,360 Speaker 2: that you was in a high gaze when you made 603 00:32:58,400 --> 00:33:00,920 Speaker 2: me do doesn't mean it didn't happen. And I see 604 00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:04,200 Speaker 2: that that was her protection mechanism because she felt guilty 605 00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:08,720 Speaker 2: in Shane for what she did. But when I had 606 00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:11,880 Speaker 2: my own podcast, the one interview that I decided to 607 00:33:12,000 --> 00:33:14,760 Speaker 2: keep was the one I did with her was called 608 00:33:14,880 --> 00:33:18,160 Speaker 2: A Daughter Confronts her Mom, and it was the only 609 00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:21,440 Speaker 2: time that I got on record confronting her about why 610 00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:24,680 Speaker 2: she allowed those things to happen to me. And she 611 00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:27,000 Speaker 2: was crying, saying, well, you know, I was hurt too, 612 00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:29,760 Speaker 2: and this and that, and I'm so sorry. But that 613 00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:32,720 Speaker 2: was the first time she had ever acknowledged to me 614 00:33:33,800 --> 00:33:37,040 Speaker 2: an apology and that she played a role. But she 615 00:33:37,280 --> 00:33:40,120 Speaker 2: still had not been to the point to where she 616 00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:44,680 Speaker 2: understood the long term impact that that still happened. But 617 00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:50,320 Speaker 2: she passed on actually almost a year ago, what was 618 00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:55,880 Speaker 2: a year ago. February eighteenth, her and my stepfather were 619 00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:57,920 Speaker 2: in a house fire. So my mom had gotten out 620 00:33:57,920 --> 00:34:00,480 Speaker 2: of the apartment fire, she realized that her hu had 621 00:34:00,520 --> 00:34:03,320 Speaker 2: not gotten out, so she went back in to try 622 00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:06,240 Speaker 2: to save him, and unfortunately they both succumb to the 623 00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:09,360 Speaker 2: fire in front of the door and passed away. 624 00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:12,040 Speaker 3: What are the odds of your father and your mother? 625 00:34:12,120 --> 00:34:13,879 Speaker 2: I was just gonna say. And it was thirty years 626 00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:17,920 Speaker 2: a year, almost a month before his passing, so he no. 627 00:34:18,640 --> 00:34:21,840 Speaker 2: He passed April of nineteen ninety three. My mom passed 628 00:34:21,880 --> 00:34:25,880 Speaker 2: February of twenty twenty three. And when I tell you, 629 00:34:27,719 --> 00:34:33,160 Speaker 2: the psychological torment of knowing that she did not die 630 00:34:33,160 --> 00:34:37,560 Speaker 2: from smoke inhalation, felt it that she actually saved the 631 00:34:37,560 --> 00:34:42,640 Speaker 2: neighbor's life with her screams. But to know and I 632 00:34:42,719 --> 00:34:45,120 Speaker 2: preached their eulogy. So I was there and preached the 633 00:34:45,160 --> 00:34:47,480 Speaker 2: eulogi with two white caskets in front of me, and 634 00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:51,360 Speaker 2: my message was redemption. And the mother was able to 635 00:34:52,239 --> 00:34:58,839 Speaker 2: in her life show me what redemption really looks like. 636 00:34:59,160 --> 00:35:03,719 Speaker 2: You know, there's in the world. I could continue to 637 00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:08,080 Speaker 2: hold her to what she also did in her place. 638 00:35:08,120 --> 00:35:11,880 Speaker 2: It doesn't excuse it, right, but there's no way I 639 00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:17,160 Speaker 2: could continue to go through life hateful, vengeful. I knew 640 00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:21,560 Speaker 2: my boundaries within that relationship, but you know my anger 641 00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:25,520 Speaker 2: initially what God was I needed more time, like I 642 00:35:25,560 --> 00:35:28,640 Speaker 2: wanted more time to get it to where I thought 643 00:35:28,680 --> 00:35:31,279 Speaker 2: it could be, or to be even more healthier or 644 00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:35,040 Speaker 2: more robust. But I did allow her to come to 645 00:35:35,120 --> 00:35:39,239 Speaker 2: my wedding that I had October of twenty twenty two, 646 00:35:39,239 --> 00:35:42,000 Speaker 2: and four months later she was deceased. And so I'm 647 00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:45,879 Speaker 2: so glad that I did allow her. Even though she's 648 00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:49,440 Speaker 2: in every picture because she was on the platform with us. 649 00:35:49,640 --> 00:35:51,680 Speaker 2: I'm trying to say my vow. She up there with 650 00:35:51,719 --> 00:35:56,160 Speaker 2: the phone. Here she go every almost every. 651 00:35:55,920 --> 00:35:59,359 Speaker 3: Picture of my wedd she right trying to work the fire. 652 00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:02,200 Speaker 2: You know, at first I was upset, what I had 653 00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:05,759 Speaker 2: a whole attitude mon go sit down. But now when 654 00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:09,759 Speaker 2: I went back after she passed, I'm so glad she 655 00:36:10,000 --> 00:36:14,239 Speaker 2: was all of the pictures. And you know again that 656 00:36:14,400 --> 00:36:17,400 Speaker 2: I had forgave her to the point to where I 657 00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:20,919 Speaker 2: could allow her to have that memory with me. Yeah, 658 00:36:21,239 --> 00:36:23,759 Speaker 2: of being a part of something that meant a lot 659 00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:27,040 Speaker 2: to me. She was present for that. And see this 660 00:36:27,040 --> 00:36:29,040 Speaker 2: picture in the back was something that we had to 661 00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:33,080 Speaker 2: get put together because we didn't have any pictures of 662 00:36:33,120 --> 00:36:36,240 Speaker 2: my mom with my two siblings and all of us together, 663 00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:38,439 Speaker 2: none of us. Yeah, and so we had to put 664 00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:41,719 Speaker 2: something together. But again, when I see her smile, and 665 00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:43,680 Speaker 2: I see her because she was in a healthier space 666 00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:47,800 Speaker 2: in that picture, it just again is a constant reminder 667 00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:50,760 Speaker 2: that I've been able to overcome, just as a woman, 668 00:36:52,320 --> 00:36:59,040 Speaker 2: that you can have empathy for individuals that have hurt you. 669 00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:00,960 Speaker 2: It can come to that. It doesn't mean that you 670 00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:05,400 Speaker 2: in a face. I'm not saying yeah, you know, And 671 00:37:05,440 --> 00:37:08,719 Speaker 2: I don't want people to get that misinterpreted. And it 672 00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:11,000 Speaker 2: even came out even with the color purple with the musical, 673 00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:14,720 Speaker 2: They were like, how is Mista at the table? Because 674 00:37:14,719 --> 00:37:17,920 Speaker 2: I had a problem with it. I'm just you can't 675 00:37:17,920 --> 00:37:20,720 Speaker 2: be going for forty years to sit at my table 676 00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:21,759 Speaker 2: and break gray like we. 677 00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:25,160 Speaker 3: Did, like we ain't. Nothing happened between us. 678 00:37:25,200 --> 00:37:28,799 Speaker 2: However, even though that wouldn't have been the way I 679 00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:33,360 Speaker 2: would have worked with mister, I get the point that 680 00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:35,800 Speaker 2: they're trying to make. There has to come a point 681 00:37:36,040 --> 00:37:37,800 Speaker 2: where you let go of people. 682 00:37:38,320 --> 00:37:40,680 Speaker 3: Yeah, and not for them, but for you, but for you. 683 00:37:40,880 --> 00:37:43,480 Speaker 2: And again, like I said, my mom, in her last 684 00:37:43,600 --> 00:37:48,400 Speaker 2: act of love for her husband, showed me what redemption 685 00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:51,600 Speaker 2: looks like. It was capable of love. All the people 686 00:37:51,680 --> 00:37:54,680 Speaker 2: that I said came out the woodworks to say. I 687 00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:57,239 Speaker 2: knew because she she had my same name too. I 688 00:37:57,320 --> 00:38:01,600 Speaker 2: was her namesake. I knew she was great, she was funny, 689 00:38:01,640 --> 00:38:03,759 Speaker 2: she was this, and I used to tell people, my 690 00:38:03,840 --> 00:38:07,359 Speaker 2: mom is cool as a friend. I love hanging with 691 00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:10,840 Speaker 2: my mom to laugh, cut up. You know she sings, 692 00:38:10,920 --> 00:38:12,759 Speaker 2: I sing. She was like, you know, one of her 693 00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:15,919 Speaker 2: favorite things. She loved cats. She was a cat lady. 694 00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:18,839 Speaker 2: Bless her herd. I couldn't deal with because of her. 695 00:38:18,920 --> 00:38:23,920 Speaker 2: I'm her cats. When she used to make food. Marjorie 696 00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:28,160 Speaker 2: is a greed like all the little stuff, those little 697 00:38:28,239 --> 00:38:31,320 Speaker 2: nuances that we used to just laugh about. I missed 698 00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:36,600 Speaker 2: those infectious things about her personality. But we are forever 699 00:38:37,080 --> 00:38:40,319 Speaker 2: entwined with the fact that she did pip me out, 700 00:38:40,719 --> 00:38:43,879 Speaker 2: like we're ever entwined with the fact that I did 701 00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:49,040 Speaker 2: not have the supportive mom that's not toxic that I 702 00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:51,239 Speaker 2: would have loved to. That led me to a lot 703 00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:54,320 Speaker 2: of mistakes that I made with men and engaging in 704 00:38:54,560 --> 00:38:58,480 Speaker 2: just other relationships that are intimate relationships, that's people in general, 705 00:38:59,200 --> 00:39:03,120 Speaker 2: and that I couldn't count on her, which forged me 706 00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:06,960 Speaker 2: to have to really have a strong relationship with my grandmother, 707 00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:08,480 Speaker 2: which I thank God for that. 708 00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:10,480 Speaker 3: But just ask for your grandmother. 709 00:39:10,920 --> 00:39:12,759 Speaker 2: Yeah, as a person, I had to grow up. I 710 00:39:12,840 --> 00:39:15,520 Speaker 2: had to like, I can't make excuses, Well my mom 711 00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:17,880 Speaker 2: ain't here. I still got feed my kids, like I 712 00:39:17,920 --> 00:39:20,960 Speaker 2: still sure, you know, bills getting paid, and I take 713 00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:24,640 Speaker 2: care of myself and I couldn't just keep blaming mom 714 00:39:24,840 --> 00:39:25,320 Speaker 2: and dad. 715 00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:28,560 Speaker 1: Yeah, I have this model that I'll always say it's tough. 716 00:39:28,600 --> 00:39:31,400 Speaker 1: Times don't last, but professional homegirls do. And I feel 717 00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:34,080 Speaker 1: like you are the epitome of what my brand stands for. 718 00:39:34,280 --> 00:39:36,959 Speaker 1: So I am just self thankful that we cross paths 719 00:39:37,040 --> 00:39:39,919 Speaker 1: because I know when people hear this story, it's gonna 720 00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:40,960 Speaker 1: really help them. 721 00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:46,400 Speaker 2: I hope. So again, you know, being transparent is a 722 00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:48,440 Speaker 2: part of the healing journey for me. That's one of 723 00:39:48,480 --> 00:39:50,879 Speaker 2: the ways that I choose. Everybody has a different thing 724 00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:54,000 Speaker 2: that they've learn't right, but being able to be an 725 00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:56,440 Speaker 2: inspiration and to educate, because it's one thing just to 726 00:39:56,520 --> 00:39:59,279 Speaker 2: inspire to just say oh, yes, this is great, it's 727 00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:02,000 Speaker 2: another thing to motivate and provoke somebody into action. 728 00:40:02,040 --> 00:40:04,640 Speaker 3: And to take action into educating and. 729 00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:08,960 Speaker 2: So hopefully by telling my story one women and men, 730 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:12,640 Speaker 2: because men are also abused and taking it absolutely well, 731 00:40:12,719 --> 00:40:16,280 Speaker 2: understand yes, their feelings, their emotional roller coasters, they're not alone, 732 00:40:16,440 --> 00:40:18,319 Speaker 2: that they can reach out to people that are not 733 00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:20,799 Speaker 2: in their circle. That's one thing that I really did 734 00:40:20,880 --> 00:40:22,520 Speaker 2: learn that I want to share is that I had 735 00:40:22,560 --> 00:40:26,160 Speaker 2: to build my supportive system. I was angry for a 736 00:40:26,160 --> 00:40:29,200 Speaker 2: couple of years since my rape because I felt like 737 00:40:29,320 --> 00:40:32,560 Speaker 2: I didn't have support in my church. I have support 738 00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,120 Speaker 2: with kind of some of the immediate people around me, 739 00:40:35,200 --> 00:40:38,239 Speaker 2: and definitely not within my family circle at all, and 740 00:40:38,440 --> 00:40:40,759 Speaker 2: I was resentful for that because I'm like, how do 741 00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:42,920 Speaker 2: you not see that I'm hurting or that I need, 742 00:40:43,400 --> 00:40:46,120 Speaker 2: you know, support, And then I'm like, well, I need 743 00:40:46,120 --> 00:40:47,919 Speaker 2: to go out and let people know what I need 744 00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:50,319 Speaker 2: first and foremost, I'm not letting them know what I need. 745 00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:54,800 Speaker 2: I'm assuming they got some kind of telepathy. 746 00:40:54,719 --> 00:40:57,959 Speaker 3: And this people to give you right and. 747 00:40:57,880 --> 00:41:00,920 Speaker 2: That they don't have to be in my now circle. 748 00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:04,319 Speaker 2: Like I can seek people out that are either like 749 00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:06,799 Speaker 2: minded or have different traits that I need for this 750 00:41:06,880 --> 00:41:10,560 Speaker 2: healing process to build out my own circle. And so 751 00:41:10,680 --> 00:41:12,839 Speaker 2: that's something that I've also learned that I really throw 752 00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:15,040 Speaker 2: out there for people. Don't wait for people to know 753 00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:17,680 Speaker 2: what you need. You have to be vocal about what 754 00:41:17,800 --> 00:41:18,360 Speaker 2: you need. 755 00:41:19,280 --> 00:41:21,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, And last and not least, what would be some 756 00:41:21,719 --> 00:41:23,640 Speaker 1: advice you would give to our listeners who may be 757 00:41:23,840 --> 00:41:34,000 Speaker 1: using dating apps? But to avoid similar situations like this one. 758 00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:34,160 Speaker 2: I think the main thing is protect your location. You know, 759 00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:36,719 Speaker 2: if you do set up a dating app, you don't 760 00:41:36,760 --> 00:41:39,520 Speaker 2: necessarily have to give them your actual city. You can 761 00:41:39,560 --> 00:41:42,560 Speaker 2: give even if it's like a larger city radius doesn't 762 00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:44,320 Speaker 2: have to be your actual ZIP. Go kind of protect 763 00:41:44,320 --> 00:41:48,040 Speaker 2: your location a little bit. Also, do your due diligence 764 00:41:48,080 --> 00:41:50,359 Speaker 2: before you meet with somebody in person. Ask make sure 765 00:41:50,400 --> 00:41:52,680 Speaker 2: you have their full first and last name. And there's 766 00:41:52,680 --> 00:41:54,360 Speaker 2: nothing wrong with doing a search on them before you 767 00:41:54,400 --> 00:41:57,680 Speaker 2: meet them. And that's something that I had not done, 768 00:41:57,719 --> 00:42:00,839 Speaker 2: because it's not counterintuitive to do that. When you're meeting someone, 769 00:42:01,120 --> 00:42:04,279 Speaker 2: you're like, let me do a background check. To be 770 00:42:04,320 --> 00:42:07,080 Speaker 2: a soft search, it could be what is their social 771 00:42:07,120 --> 00:42:09,800 Speaker 2: media presence, what are they talking about? Are they about something? 772 00:42:09,840 --> 00:42:12,320 Speaker 2: Do you see them actually working or is everything self employed? 773 00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:14,160 Speaker 2: And they got a black in their hand the whole time, 774 00:42:14,200 --> 00:42:16,959 Speaker 2: and you know that's what you want. Okay, you good? 775 00:42:17,640 --> 00:42:21,360 Speaker 2: You know what is there? Digital media print? So if 776 00:42:21,400 --> 00:42:24,920 Speaker 2: you google that, what comes up behind them? Is there 777 00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:28,080 Speaker 2: anything that's concerning which if I would have done mine, 778 00:42:28,239 --> 00:42:31,120 Speaker 2: I would have saw that he was already convic But 779 00:42:31,440 --> 00:42:34,720 Speaker 2: I didn't think that that was even something I needed 780 00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:37,920 Speaker 2: to do. And so now there's a whole nother heightened 781 00:42:38,000 --> 00:42:41,120 Speaker 2: level of just doing basic soft touch. There's nothing wrong 782 00:42:41,160 --> 00:42:44,200 Speaker 2: with a soft touch. Also knowing that when you do 783 00:42:44,280 --> 00:42:47,239 Speaker 2: meet with somebody, make sure it's a public, open environment, 784 00:42:47,640 --> 00:42:49,799 Speaker 2: you know, just kind of know your surroundings and take 785 00:42:49,840 --> 00:42:52,120 Speaker 2: your time, just like you would with someone in person. 786 00:42:52,280 --> 00:42:54,960 Speaker 2: To take your time and don't lay out all of 787 00:42:55,000 --> 00:42:59,160 Speaker 2: your business up. I am a stark advocate that every 788 00:42:59,200 --> 00:43:02,319 Speaker 2: single aspect your life doesn't need to be mentioned online 789 00:43:02,640 --> 00:43:05,480 Speaker 2: nor in the first day. There's some crucial things that 790 00:43:05,640 --> 00:43:06,000 Speaker 2: need to. 791 00:43:05,920 --> 00:43:08,920 Speaker 3: Be laid out, but not every single. 792 00:43:08,680 --> 00:43:10,719 Speaker 2: Thing, especially when it comes to your finances. 793 00:43:11,520 --> 00:43:14,040 Speaker 3: Oh please, I'd be telling people I ain't got it. 794 00:43:15,680 --> 00:43:18,719 Speaker 2: I'm definitely gonna say now, well, you know, there's some 795 00:43:18,760 --> 00:43:21,040 Speaker 2: stories out there that make it look like I got. 796 00:43:20,880 --> 00:43:23,960 Speaker 3: Something me too, and nope, don't believe it. 797 00:43:23,960 --> 00:43:28,520 Speaker 2: It's all right, It's all right. 798 00:43:26,400 --> 00:43:30,080 Speaker 1: Right, Oh my god, thank you so much. I think 799 00:43:30,120 --> 00:43:33,880 Speaker 1: this was amazing. I am so happy that you agree 800 00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:35,800 Speaker 1: to be on the show and to share your story. 801 00:43:35,920 --> 00:43:38,160 Speaker 1: I feel inspired. I feel like other people are going 802 00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:39,840 Speaker 1: to feel inspired, and I know that we're going to 803 00:43:39,880 --> 00:43:42,120 Speaker 1: continue to be in contact. So I really do appreciate 804 00:43:42,160 --> 00:43:45,200 Speaker 1: you being on the show for real and to listeners. 805 00:43:45,200 --> 00:43:47,440 Speaker 1: If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, if you 806 00:43:47,440 --> 00:43:49,359 Speaker 1: want to just say hey, gir hey, please make sure 807 00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:52,520 Speaker 1: to email me at hello at the PSG podcast dot com. 808 00:43:52,760 --> 00:43:55,600 Speaker 1: I hope by listening to this conversation that inspires you 809 00:43:55,680 --> 00:43:57,960 Speaker 1: to share your storyline because you never know how it 810 00:43:57,960 --> 00:43:59,640 Speaker 1: can be someone else's lifeline. 811 00:44:00,160 --> 00:44:01,000 Speaker 3: Until next time. 812 00:44:01,120 --> 00:44:17,640 Speaker 1: Everyone, later, you're gonna say bye bye. The Professional Homegirl 813 00:44:17,680 --> 00:44:20,840 Speaker 1: Podcast is a production of the Black Effect podcast Network. 814 00:44:21,000 --> 00:44:25,600 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, 815 00:44:25,640 --> 00:44:28,000 Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Don't forget 816 00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:30,960 Speaker 1: to subscribe and rate the show, and you can connect 817 00:44:31,000 --> 00:44:33,800 Speaker 1: with me on social media at the PHG podcast