Speaker 1: Hey, folks, In this episode, everybody seems to be breaking up,
Speaker 1: so why not you too? And with that, welcome to
Speaker 1: this episode of Amy and TJ. Yes, we are Robes
Speaker 1: in a very strange time right now. If you've read
Speaker 1: the headlines, obviously the people have been seeing all these breakups.
Speaker 1: But we are in a weird time right now. We
Speaker 1: are in the mixed of midst of cuffing season. Engagement
Speaker 1: season and divorce season are all happening at the same time.
Speaker 2: People are focused on their relationships for.
Speaker 1: Much different reasons. I'm told for of all engagements happened
Speaker 1: between Thanksgiving and the first of the year before. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: it's that range all.
Speaker 2: So it's all happening cuffing season.
Speaker 1: But also at the same time, everybody's breaking up.
Speaker 2: Why because they're realizing that they want something that they
Speaker 2: don't have. Whether it's not that necessarily another person. It's
Speaker 2: like a connection, a deeper connection, or a you know,
Speaker 2: a better.
Speaker 1: This, or a so love island y right, there is connection.
Speaker 1: When you start throwing around she's been watching, Oh you know,
Speaker 1: I had a deeper connection. How many times you have
Speaker 1: to hear that a deep I just want a deeper connection?
Speaker 2: What is this, but don't we all know? But there
Speaker 2: is the grasses greener mentality, and you start to see
Speaker 2: other couples and think, wow, I want what they have.
Speaker 2: I mean, I do think people think everyone else's relationship
Speaker 2: is better than theirs a lot of times, and maybe
Speaker 2: the first of the year, you start to think, I
Speaker 2: want to I want a new start, I want a
Speaker 2: fresh start. I want to try to find what I'm
Speaker 2: really looking for.
Speaker 1: You are hitting on already the exact thing that many
Speaker 1: psychologists say is the exact reason why people break up,
Speaker 1: in particular around the holidays. A lot of couples that
Speaker 1: we've seen breakup happen just before Christmas, and then a
Speaker 1: lot have happened. I cannot believe how many have happened
Speaker 1: right after January one boom boom, boom, boom boom. We've
Speaker 1: seen so many things. Do we know anybody personally? Oh? Well,
Speaker 1: I say personally, but outside of headlines. I'm trying to
Speaker 1: think of anybody in our families or friends right now.
Speaker 1: I don't think so right, I'm trying.
Speaker 2: You know, there have been divorces. You get to a
Speaker 2: certain age, you definitely have friends and family who get divorced.
Speaker 2: I can't remember there being a consistent time of year
Speaker 2: where I feel like those are now because you know what, Honestly,
Speaker 2: the truth is, by the time friends and family usually
Speaker 2: tell one another, it's long done, so I don't know
Speaker 2: when the actual decision.
Speaker 1: Was to plan.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean yeah, And that's the truth, right, That.
Speaker 1: Really is a true statement we wanted to do. You
Speaker 1: know who did it well?
Speaker 2: Of course, you know who did it well, Jiselle tom Brady.
Speaker 2: That was the model I was trying to go or follow.
Speaker 2: I was thinking to myself before I announced it to everyone,
Speaker 2: including some of my friends, I want to have the
Speaker 2: divorce actually already be filed in the court so that
Speaker 2: the messiness is over. Any sort of tumult I'm gonna
Speaker 2: deal with personally. And then by the time I announced it,
Speaker 2: things are cool and calm and we're all good. And
Speaker 2: that was my goal.
Speaker 1: That was that was our goal. They announced we are
Speaker 1: breaking up. That's what we heard. And they said, oh,
Speaker 1: actually the divorce is final, it's done. That was the
Speaker 1: way they went about.
Speaker 2: It, because when you announce to people that you're breaking up,
Speaker 2: people usually want to weigh in.
Speaker 1: I have questions, this is about whose fault is it.
Speaker 2: So once you already say, hey guys, it's a done deal,
Speaker 2: there's no room for discussion. And I think by the
Speaker 2: time you get to that point, you've already made your
Speaker 2: mind up and you don't really want to hear what
Speaker 2: everyone else thinks about it. And so that makes a
Speaker 2: lot of sense to me. But when I think by
Speaker 2: the time you actually hear about these breakups January one,
Speaker 2: January two, maybe even in December, at the end of
Speaker 2: the year, when people are focused on other things. This
Speaker 2: has been going on for six months, this has been
Speaker 2: going on for maybe years even so we've.
Speaker 1: Been talking about this, and you are, I guess, cuffing season.
Speaker 1: You've you seem to be a fan of just saying
Speaker 1: that sometimes it's fun. Okay, okay, I'm not wrong, I'm
Speaker 1: not okay, it's just funny to me. But that's the
Speaker 1: time between I guess Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day. You don't
Speaker 1: want to be alone. You don't want to be lonely
Speaker 1: around the holidays, don't want to be lonely and single
Speaker 1: around Valentine's Day. A lot of people will say, so
Speaker 1: that's why they call that cuffing season engagement season. A
Speaker 1: lot of people like to make it a family event
Speaker 1: around the holidays, starting a new beginnings. New Years is
Speaker 1: a very popular day to propose, and then you got
Speaker 1: Valentine's Day. A lot of people like to do it then.
Speaker 1: So that explains engagement season, divorce season. It's that as well,
Speaker 1: because you have a lot of attorneys who will tell
Speaker 1: you that January. It's a myth kind of but they
Speaker 1: say most divorces happen in January. Lawyers tell you that's
Speaker 1: when they get the most calls. The divorces don't always
Speaker 1: go through and don't get filed, but they start their
Speaker 1: switchboard starts lighting up with inquiries right after the holidays,
Speaker 1: and we can understand that as well, a lot of
Speaker 1: people just don't want to put the kids through it.
Speaker 1: When it gets passed it, we don't have to explain
Speaker 1: things to at the family gatherings about so you just
Speaker 1: get through the holidays and file for divorce. So we
Speaker 1: in the midst of all three of those are happening
Speaker 1: right now. Just about everybody that can hear our voices
Speaker 1: right now is going through one of them.
Speaker 2: It's wild, right. I was just asking, is this an
Speaker 2: exceptional year for breakups? If you look at the last
Speaker 2: two months or is this always the way it is
Speaker 2: and I just haven't paid as much attention to it.
Speaker 1: I got social media now, I think a big part
Speaker 1: of it. I think the breakups and things always happen,
Speaker 1: but I think people are learning, I do a new strategy,
Speaker 1: a new way of going about handling a public breakup.
Speaker 1: We failed measurably at it and dealing with our divorces.
Speaker 1: But I think Brandon routh Is one actor played Superman.
Speaker 1: They are running from la fires and he and his
Speaker 1: wife have to announce their breakup because they were about
Speaker 1: to be it isn't that the one They were about
Speaker 1: to be exposed by tabloid So in the midst of
Speaker 1: all that they had to announce seventeen years marriage.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they had to go on to social media and
Speaker 2: get ahead of the headline. And it's nice that they
Speaker 2: even had a heads up, because sometimes you don't even
Speaker 2: get that courtesy. They just go with whatever rumor they've
Speaker 2: heard or whatever source they've been able to get some
Speaker 2: information from. So yeah, but that's sad when you're dealing
Speaker 2: with your life and you're dealing with a massive tragedy
Speaker 2: that you then have to get ahead of headlines, But
Speaker 2: there have been a lot of headlines over the last
Speaker 2: few weeks.
Speaker 1: You go back and get it, don't have to go
Speaker 1: that far. Megan Fox, Machine Gun Kelly split early December.
Speaker 1: They've been together four years and they announced they're split
Speaker 1: a month after they announced they were having a baby.
Speaker 1: Chance the Raptor Rat the Raptor. I chanced the Rapper
Speaker 1: and his wife, Kirsten Corley. She filed for divorce in December.
Speaker 1: That was after five years of marriage. They had two
Speaker 1: daughters together. So Brina Carpenter and Barrick Yogan reportedly split
Speaker 1: in December. They had been dating for a year. Then
Speaker 1: you got Zoe Kravis Channing Tatum reportedly split at the
Speaker 1: end of the year. They were engaged and they had
Speaker 1: been dating for three years.
Speaker 2: I was rooting for them. I really liked them, you know,
Speaker 2: And I do think people feel personally invested sometimes in
Speaker 2: some of these couples. Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson, they
Speaker 2: announced their separation after ten years of marriage and fourteen
Speaker 2: years together because they had two kids before they even
Speaker 2: got married, but they have three children together. That was
Speaker 2: a bit of a chakra for a lot of folks.
Speaker 2: Some people who've been following closely noticed that they had
Speaker 2: stopped wearing their rings for months. Then Naomi Osaka, the
Speaker 2: tennis Star and Cordet the Rapper announced they're split the
Speaker 2: first week of January after several years of dating, and
Speaker 2: they have a daughter together.
Speaker 1: Now, Jessica Albucash Warren, I got a lot of attention.
Speaker 1: They announced theirs early January. Sixteen years of marriage, they
Speaker 1: got three kids together. You had Austin Butler Kaya Gerber.
Speaker 1: I think they had been together few years.
Speaker 2: Right, I think three years?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, news was out of there, reported split. We
Speaker 1: started hearing about that the first week of the year,
Speaker 1: and then we just mentioned Brandon Routh and Courtney Ford
Speaker 1: their divorce seventeen years. And then the one I guess
Speaker 1: that stung a little bit for us because of our
Speaker 1: personal connection to it had to do with Matt and Rachel.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and as we're Matt James and Rachel Kirconnell. Matt
Speaker 2: announced their split just a few days ago, January seventeenth,
Speaker 2: after four years of dating and after a lot of
Speaker 2: people were only expecting the next announcement from them to
Speaker 2: be one of engagement from all the hints they were
Speaker 2: dropping and you know, we learned the hard way. When
Speaker 2: you don't fill in the details, when you don't fill
Speaker 2: in the gaps, and by no means are you forced
Speaker 2: to or are expected to, and you shouldn't have to.
Speaker 2: But what happens when you don't is other people do
Speaker 2: it for you. And unfortunately we're kind of seeing that
Speaker 2: with the Matt and Rachel announcement now because we haven't
Speaker 2: heard from Rachel and Matt didn't give any details and again,
Speaker 2: doesn't have to, shouldn't have to, doesn't owe anybody anything.
Speaker 2: But then people start speculating, and that's when things get
Speaker 2: tough to witness and watch. It's especially tough to watch
Speaker 2: because a it's personal because we know him, and b
Speaker 2: because we went through people filling in the dots for you.
Speaker 2: And it's painful because almost certainly it's not true, or
Speaker 2: at least it's not the way people are painting it.
Speaker 1: All of these come together now to put you in
Speaker 1: the flight, like you do have to wonder. It makes
Speaker 1: you wonder what's going on. Maybe there's nothing going on. Again,
Speaker 1: these are just headlines and look social media and the
Speaker 1: way news spreads online these days, and maybe we're just
Speaker 1: seeing more about them. But there's got to be a
Speaker 1: reason for it. Certainly a lot of this has been
Speaker 1: studied over the years. But the reasons around the holidays
Speaker 1: are threefold that you hit on. One of them has
Speaker 1: to do with the holiday stress. Holidays are Yeah, we
Speaker 1: talk about the Christmas cheer and the music's playing, and
Speaker 1: he called me a grinch all the time, right, Screa, I.
Speaker 2: Got you No, I got you a grinch sweatshirt for Christmas?
Speaker 2: Do you remember that?
Speaker 1: I do remember the sweatshirt, and I am a grinch.
Speaker 1: I'm sre. But it's stressful. You wish everybody at some
Speaker 1: point was running around trying to find something. Man, I
Speaker 1: can't get this they and it'll be there on the
Speaker 1: twenty seve not the twenty third and everybody. So it's stressful.
Speaker 1: You'd throw in the family, the travel. Then we have
Speaker 1: some bad weather, we knew folks that got had flights canceled,
Speaker 1: and all these things happening. So doesn't that put a
Speaker 1: strain on a relationship that's already not in a.
Speaker 2: Good place without a doubt, Yes, And if you don't
Speaker 2: handle stress the same way, or you don't support each other,
Speaker 2: but you just get further irritated by one another's reaction
Speaker 2: to whatever isn't going right. Yeah, that could lead to
Speaker 2: an absolute death spiral.
Speaker 1: The other thing of one of the reasons around the
Speaker 1: holidays is because you are now dealing with what as
Speaker 1: you reflect unmet expectations of your past year, and a
Speaker 1: part of you taking an assessment of your past year
Speaker 1: and your expectations were not met, you examine your relationship
Speaker 1: and then you think, on January one, do I really
Speaker 1: want to go through another year of this? And that's
Speaker 1: the other reason they point to as to why the
Speaker 1: holidays are so popular.
Speaker 2: Didn't you tell me? And I looked it up and
Speaker 2: confirmed it. December eleventh is dubbed break up Day, or
Speaker 2: roughly two weeks before the holidays officially begin, for all
Speaker 2: of those reasons you just mentioned. And you know, I
Speaker 2: think that's funny. I think if you don't have kids,
Speaker 2: that make sense. When you do have kids, it was
Speaker 2: the opposite. For me. It was let's give them one
Speaker 2: last Christmas, let's make it through this last Christmas. Let's
Speaker 2: tolerate one another through this Christmas for them. But yeah,
Speaker 2: with kids weren't involved, that makes perfect sense to me.
Speaker 1: And the other reason is you're looking for a new start,
Speaker 1: and you actually are in the mood to make a
Speaker 1: bold move. You're not in the mood anymore to just
Speaker 1: reflect on how things went wrong. You actually want to
Speaker 1: take some action to correct them. You don't want to
Speaker 1: see how it goes anymore. They say, you're in a
Speaker 1: different mindset. That does put you in a position to
Speaker 1: make a bold move starting on January one that makes.
Speaker 2: Sense, and I actually, you know, it sounds like from
Speaker 2: what we were reading and looking at. Breakups obviously can
Speaker 2: happen any time of the year, but you do get
Speaker 2: into certain mindsets. And the other one was I noticed
Speaker 2: or I saw that March is a is a big
Speaker 2: month for breakups. It's actually been dubbed Spring Clean. And
Speaker 2: for whatever reason they said, April second ends up being
Speaker 2: a day where a lot of people announce that they're
Speaker 2: breaking up or splitting because again they're looking towards now
Speaker 2: warmer weather, getting back out there, the excitement of maybe
Speaker 2: going on adventures or dates with someone else with the
Speaker 2: warmer weather and socializing right, but feeling like you can
Speaker 2: clean your closet literally, or clean your home or clean
Speaker 2: your life up by making massive changes.
Speaker 1: So what we're saying, folks, is you need to be
Speaker 1: on edge in January, March, and December. If you're in
Speaker 1: a relationship, just yeah, turn off your notifications, be careful
Speaker 1: about answering that phone the other You said this earlier
Speaker 1: as well, talking about parents. August is one that a
Speaker 1: lot of attorneys point to as to why breakups happen
Speaker 1: is because kids are actually busy. They might be a camp,
Speaker 1: they might be going to visit, and parents take an
Speaker 1: opportunity of saying, well, the kids are gone, we need
Speaker 1: to talk for a second while the kids are out
Speaker 1: of the house for several days.
Speaker 2: You know, it's crazy, babe. Those were that so July
Speaker 2: August like, and yes, those were in both of my
Speaker 2: marriages that ended in divorce. The decisions were made in
Speaker 2: August like early August, late July, early August in both
Speaker 2: of my marriages, which is but you know what, It's true,
Speaker 2: the kids go to camp, the kids, you have some time.
Speaker 1: To yourself, have a window.
Speaker 2: That actually happened for me the first time around, especially
Speaker 2: where I had time. I had three weeks and I
Speaker 2: just thought, I can't do this anymore. And you have
Speaker 2: this space because so many of us, well everybody is busy,
Speaker 2: right and you don't have the luxury sometimes of reflecting
Speaker 2: and thinking on all of those things when you're a parent,
Speaker 2: especially to young children. Yeah, that makes total sense.
Speaker 1: The National breakup Day you mentioned December eleventh, I think
Speaker 1: that kind of can change from time to time. But
Speaker 1: the reason that one came about was because some group
Speaker 1: went through and checked out people's face. They were able
Speaker 1: to analyze people's Facebook status changes and they noticed on
Speaker 1: December eleventh there was more changes than any other day
Speaker 1: people in changing their Facebook status from single to single.
Speaker 1: That's so interesting that they were able to pinpoint that.
Speaker 1: But that's why December eleventh, it is just kind of unofficial.
Speaker 1: But yeah, that's the day that people do. Well. What
Speaker 1: I'm just.
Speaker 2: Saying, what no one, I'm just saying. What's interesting is
Speaker 2: we're able to collect a lot of this data now
Speaker 2: because we all share so much with the world without
Speaker 2: realizing it, we were very quick to let people know.
Speaker 2: I mean, it's funny. I'm old, too old to have
Speaker 2: actually ever put a status on Facebook, so I've never
Speaker 2: done that. But it's a big deal when people change
Speaker 2: their I've heard my kids talk about it, or someone
Speaker 2: changes their status. It's like, but now you're putting that
Speaker 2: out there for people to measure and look at and
Speaker 2: see what trends are and.
Speaker 1: What is your status currently.
Speaker 2: Deeply in love?
Speaker 1: I don't think they give you Zuckerberg havn't hasn't changed
Speaker 1: to give that as an option.
Speaker 2: What are the options?
Speaker 1: Are the options?
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: It's single in a relationship, married, and what else could
Speaker 1: it be?
Speaker 2: Engaged?
Speaker 1: Is it really one oh schnike?
Speaker 2: Well, mine would be in a relationship, yes, obviously, what
Speaker 2: would your be?
Speaker 1: Well? I want to hear what the options are first.
Speaker 2: I was waiting for you to say it's complicated.
Speaker 1: Is that one of them is? I think it's complicated
Speaker 1: as one of them single in a relationship, engaged, married,
Speaker 1: it's complicated in an open relationship, widow, separated.
Speaker 2: Divorce, widowed, Sara, union, a union?
Speaker 1: What was like number four or five? You said, sin
Speaker 1: open and then it's complicated, Which is the worst you
Speaker 1: could hear from me? It's complicated?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't think or maybe open relationship, open relationship
Speaker 2: and it's complicated. Those are two that would be a
Speaker 2: huge red flag for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look,
Speaker 2: we've talked about this funny enough. I have struggled with
Speaker 2: what to call you. I'm fifty one years old and
Speaker 2: I'm on a plane and I'm saying, oh, could you
Speaker 2: bring something back? Like I go up and say, hey,
Speaker 2: would you would you mind sending something back to and
Speaker 2: I kind of stumble, like my boyfriend more or if
Speaker 2: I say my partner, I feel like they're looking for
Speaker 2: a woman instead of a man, because that's a lot
Speaker 2: of the terms people use when you're in a same
Speaker 2: sex relationship. So I'm like, but I always feel so
Speaker 2: weird calling you my boyfriend.
Speaker 1: Why don't you go with your favorite on the plane
Speaker 1: at least see she's laughing to see if you're going
Speaker 1: to say it.
Speaker 2: Well, I said, Mike, we were working together at that point,
Speaker 2: and honestly, we know we catch this was we were
Speaker 2: together at this point. We were working together and we
Speaker 2: were out in the open about our relationship, and so
Speaker 2: I didn't know what to say. Again, this is funny.
Speaker 2: I went up to use the restaurant at a plan
Speaker 2: and a plane. The flight attendant, actually I've never had
Speaker 2: this happen, say hey, we're trying a new mix of
Speaker 2: old fashioneds, would you like to try one? And I'm
Speaker 2: not like a huge whiskey person, or whatever, and I
Speaker 2: just wasn't in the mood, so I said, I don't know,
Speaker 2: thank you, but I was like, actually, I feel like
Speaker 2: my friend.
Speaker 1: Wait for it, would wait for it and.
Speaker 2: Would like would like to try it. And he's he's
Speaker 2: sitting next to me. She's like, which one is he?
Speaker 2: And I'm looking for it and he's like, who is he? Well,
Speaker 2: he's my colleague. So I referred to as my colleague.
Speaker 2: And then he goes which one is he? And I
Speaker 2: looked and I didn't know how else to describe you,
Speaker 2: and I said.
Speaker 1: He's he's wait for it.
Speaker 3: He's the black one, because you were the only black
Speaker 3: person who was sitting in the in the vicinity, and
Speaker 3: it was the most obvious way to describe you.
Speaker 2: So then I came back to the seat and I
Speaker 2: was like, I'm so sorry, but I got flustered and
Speaker 2: I described you to the flight attendant as my black colleague,
Speaker 2: and I was really embarrassed. I just got really flustered.
Speaker 1: I didn't know you were say.
Speaker 2: You were like what you referred to me as what?
Speaker 1: That's okay, but labels are stressful something you should hear.
Speaker 1: How I refer to you to my friends Sometimes I.
Speaker 2: Mean, it's so I've heard you say something's out loud
Speaker 2: about you. Oh yeah, like how you referred to me? Yeah, okay,
Speaker 2: there's been a movie reference.
Speaker 1: Er too, a movie reference. Yeah, okay, that's come on,
Speaker 1: that's not the same thing. Oh stop it, that's not
Speaker 1: the same. We say that in private. You said that
Speaker 1: to a You called me the black gentleman to a stranger,
Speaker 1: black colleague.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm gonna say it, but like, ultimately, yeah, put
Speaker 2: the two things together. That is basically what I refer
Speaker 2: to you as. Wait, how do you refer to me?
Speaker 1: Uh? Talking to you?
Speaker 2: Well, if someone were to say, if you were to say, hey,
Speaker 2: could you do something for my ex? You would just
Speaker 2: say girlfriend?
Speaker 1: Right for my blank you mean not my ex? What'd
Speaker 1: you say?
Speaker 2: No, if you're saying, if you're referring to me, to
Speaker 2: try to describe my relationship to you, Oh, how would
Speaker 2: you refer to me as?
Speaker 3: You know?
Speaker 1: I that's a good question. I don't know how just
Speaker 1: a natural conversation. Yeah, I'm really not sure. I think
Speaker 1: I you know what I've said more than more often
Speaker 1: than not my wife. Yeah, absolutely, just to keep the flow.
Speaker 1: I don't want to explain anything.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I have tried out husband a couple of times,
Speaker 2: just to you know, but also like if you say
Speaker 2: things like that, sometimes people think, like you don't know
Speaker 2: if someone knows who we are, and then somehow would say, okay,
Speaker 2: can I tell a funny story?
Speaker 1: Oh god, yeah, the other one about your black colleague
Speaker 1: was so funny.
Speaker 2: Let me redeem myself.
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 2: So we both started wearing these Aura rings for the
Speaker 2: podcast because they sent them to us and we've actually
Speaker 2: thoroughly enjoyed them. We put them on our right hand,
Speaker 2: but we both wear them on our ring finger. And
Speaker 2: my mom and dad came here to visit for a
Speaker 2: little while, just watching us, observing us, and I just
Speaker 2: had a quick moment with them a couple of weeks
Speaker 2: ago for sadly another funeral and my mom. It was
Speaker 2: just my mom, my dad and me, and my mom
Speaker 2: said to me, hey, sweetheart, can I ask you a
Speaker 2: personal question? Which was a strange thing for my mom
Speaker 2: to say. I said, of course, yes you can, And
Speaker 2: she said, I noticed the rings that you and TJ
Speaker 2: are wearing, and I know that they're like exercise rings,
Speaker 2: and I see that you have them on your right finger,
Speaker 2: But did you too get secretly married. She actually thought
Speaker 2: that it was possible we had and just hadn't told anyone.
Speaker 1: Well, based on recent history with us, she wouldn't be
Speaker 1: surprised if we ran off and did something. It didn't
Speaker 1: tell that. I think that was a legit question.
Speaker 2: Right, So it was funny to me that that's I
Speaker 2: was like, whoa, but that might Yeah, that's what that's
Speaker 2: what we're putting out there, right, So I did tell her,
Speaker 2: I said, well, funny enough, if and when it does happen,
Speaker 2: that's probably how it will happen. You'll find out after
Speaker 2: the fact, because in her reaction to that one, she said,
Speaker 2: that makes sense. And I said, it's not as if
Speaker 2: I have any plans to walk down the aisle and
Speaker 2: pick out my wedding colors and you know, have a
Speaker 2: florist involved. I said, it's it is probably going to
Speaker 2: be one of those moments where you get a phone
Speaker 2: call from me. But I won't keep you in the
Speaker 2: dark for too long.
Speaker 1: Wow, any more stories you want to share?
Speaker 3: All right?
Speaker 2: So when is so cuffing season is now? Is there
Speaker 2: a this marriage season in the summertime? That has to
Speaker 2: be that's always when all the weddings are right June July.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but there's we can only call it an engagements yes,
Speaker 1: as a marriage season, but the season where people decide
Speaker 1: they want to get married is now. Weddings take place
Speaker 1: and warm. But then sometimes people get married because it's
Speaker 1: a I don't know, get a good deal and a venue.
Speaker 2: Sometimes that's true a Wednesday wedding, I mean it has
Speaker 2: a nice raindow.
Speaker 1: I got no problem with that, No neither do I.
Speaker 1: But it's it just seems right now what's happening. And
Speaker 1: with breakups they say, it's just so many of them
Speaker 1: going around, And it was interesting to take a look
Speaker 1: at why and against it's psychology today. I just I
Speaker 1: wish I could give this psychologist his due because he's
Speaker 1: the one that came up with this reasons that we
Speaker 1: lose intimacy. I thought this was so fascinating. He has
Speaker 1: something he calls the three D effect, three reasons now
Speaker 1: that erode intimacy over time, Distraction distance disconnection.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, that's so true.
Speaker 1: Distraction distance disconnection, he called the three ds. They're like
Speaker 1: emotional termites, and you don't notice the damage that's being
Speaker 1: done because it's being done so slowly. But then eventually
Speaker 1: the foundation crumbles, and it's done with the three ds,
Speaker 1: the three D effect, and that's what erodes intimacy distance.
Speaker 2: For sure, that makes perfect sense. Yes, when it's you know,
Speaker 2: absence makes the heart grow fonder until you just stop connecting, right,
Speaker 2: I mean, yeah, that makes total sense.
Speaker 1: Distraction is the other. So this is a part of
Speaker 1: the around the holidays, you got other things going on.
Speaker 1: Your stress is here directed there. You're not performing as
Speaker 1: a team necessarily, you're distracted by this could be work.
Speaker 1: You're distracted. She's distracted. And over time though intimacy, all
Speaker 1: of a sudden you come together and you're not close
Speaker 1: to anymore.
Speaker 2: You know what's interesting about the distraction part, because one
Speaker 2: hundred percent I get it. And so many couples, not
Speaker 2: so many, but definitely enough couples when their kids go
Speaker 2: off to college, when they finally become empty nesters, they
Speaker 2: decide they have nothing in common anymore. They've been distracted
Speaker 2: by their own children, they've been distracted by their lives.
Speaker 2: And so many of us don't focus and put our
Speaker 2: relationships first, which I do think is the key to
Speaker 2: keeping it together, to working on it. You have to
Speaker 2: put it first above all else, above your career. And
Speaker 2: my parents even said above your children. My parents were
Speaker 2: firm believers in that, and you know, the proof is
Speaker 2: in the pudding. They're still together. They just you have
Speaker 2: to prioritize your relationship in a way that most of
Speaker 2: us don't think about, can't or don't want to. But
Speaker 2: that makes an awful lot of sense. And I do
Speaker 2: think having shared interests, whether it's your career, whether it's
Speaker 2: just what you do when you're not at work, if
Speaker 2: you can have those things that keep you together, you
Speaker 2: know you aren't as distracted because you're together. And what
Speaker 2: was the last T disconnection And that's a result of
Speaker 2: the first two a.
Speaker 1: Distraction, distance, and then ultimately a disconnection. We oftentimes this
Speaker 1: is how he puts it. He said, you can tell
Speaker 1: if you're disconnected because when your partner does something or
Speaker 1: says something, you make an assumption about their intentions. If
Speaker 1: you're making an assumption about their intentions instead of saying,
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm reflecting about what you just said,
Speaker 1: or I'm curious about what you said, if your first
Speaker 1: reaction is to say that that you're making some assumption
Speaker 1: about what your partner's doing, that's one of the early
Speaker 1: signs that there's a disconnection.
Speaker 2: Issue because you're not willing to ask, you're not willing
Speaker 2: to be curious, you're not willing to say what's really
Speaker 2: going on. You just make an assumption because you're God, Yeah,
Speaker 2: you're distancing yourself emotionally.
Speaker 1: The three day I thought it was interesting about the
Speaker 1: holidays and how this all connects. But it's it's fascinating
Speaker 1: to me, and it's scary. I guess this is a
Speaker 1: I guess we're all in a scary time. So are
Speaker 1: we can make it to April, we might be good
Speaker 1: for the year, at least till December. I mean, you
Speaker 1: have to set goals in a relationship. I mean the
Speaker 1: bar can be low, but at least there's a bar.
Speaker 2: I am not trying to make it to April. I'm
Speaker 2: not I'm trying. I'm trying to make it to one hundred.
Speaker 1: Okay, but April is on the way to that. We
Speaker 1: got to get through Andy gets it. We got to
Speaker 1: get through April at least.
Speaker 2: Yes, well, of course, yes, But I'm a long term
Speaker 2: goal kind of gal. The short term goal I totally get,
Speaker 2: But I think you have to have the long term
Speaker 2: goal with you at all times. Yeah, sure to reach
Speaker 2: the short term goal.
Speaker 1: Sure, well, look to all the couples. And I'm still
Speaker 1: rooting for even though we heard about j Lo and
Speaker 1: Ben Affleck at the end of the year. They separated
Speaker 1: earlier last year, but that was a hard, high profile breakup,
Speaker 1: and those are folks I'm still rooting for, and I
Speaker 1: know a lot of that. There was one thing we
Speaker 1: were looking at, people have been together a long time?
Speaker 1: What's your advice?
Speaker 2: All right?
Speaker 1: People always looking for advice, but who've been around, who've
Speaker 1: been together a long time. And one of the pieces
Speaker 1: of advice was don't get married unless you're one hundred
Speaker 1: percent sure you're not going to get divorced. Now that
Speaker 1: sounds crazy, but how can you ever be one hundred
Speaker 1: percent sure? But the point there is you can prevent
Speaker 1: divorce by being sure and committed to I'm gonna get
Speaker 1: married and I'm not going to get divorced again.
Speaker 2: It sounds so simplistic, I know, it's it's so interesting
Speaker 2: because I it's hard when you've been divorced, not once,
Speaker 2: but twice for people to say, well, when I walk
Speaker 2: down the aisle, I want to make sure it's forever
Speaker 2: and I and I, and I laughed and said when
Speaker 2: I walked down the aisle, I also wanted it to
Speaker 2: be forever. It's not for lack of desire. But I
Speaker 2: hear what you're saying. If you say, no matter what.
Speaker 1: There are reasons to get divorced, we say, with the
Speaker 1: exceptions of abuse, all kinds of I mean, all kinds
Speaker 1: of things can come into play. But the idea of
Speaker 1: the point behind it is that you have to be sure.
Speaker 1: You need to be sure before you make that decision,
Speaker 1: and that was a key to staying together.
Speaker 2: Okay, no, oh, no, no, no, I agree with you.
Speaker 2: I am actually reflecting back on my own life and
Speaker 2: knowing that I wasn't sure. Like I was hopeful, but
Speaker 2: I was not sure. And I don't know if you
Speaker 2: could ever be. But I'd like to think that there
Speaker 2: are people who absolutely are. I love some of the
Speaker 2: other advice from some madly and loved couples share how
Speaker 2: they've made their marriage. Last Andy gave us this list,
Speaker 2: and I love that. One of the bits of advice,
Speaker 2: and we can leave you with this is that smiling laughing.
Speaker 2: You have to be able to laugh things off when
Speaker 2: things get rough, and sometimes some person's not going to
Speaker 2: be able to smile and the other one can, and
Speaker 2: vice versa. But if you can find a way to smile,
Speaker 2: or at least to get a little smile out of
Speaker 2: your partner when things get tough, if you can still
Speaker 2: laugh together, there's a good chance you can still make
Speaker 2: it through even the toughest of times. And I like
Speaker 2: that idea. That gives me hope. I've never laughed with
Speaker 2: anyone more than I've laughed with you.
Speaker 1: That is true, and I agree. I think a lot
Speaker 1: of people give that advice. But be careful with that
Speaker 1: advice though, because you might be the one that just
Speaker 1: pissed the other person off. Don't go over and try
Speaker 1: to tickle.
Speaker 2: Him so he oh, you gotta do his laugh.
Speaker 1: Yeah, this will be fun a robox it.
Speaker 2: Choose your timing, choose your timing. Understand you don't want
Speaker 2: to poke the bear, but yeah, you know, is there
Speaker 2: anything worse that when you're upset, someone says, turn that
Speaker 2: frown upside down. No, I'm not saying to do that,
Speaker 2: But in the right moment, if you can smile and
Speaker 2: maybe laugh with some time and perspective.
Speaker 1: Ah, yeah, well yes I do for sure. I laugh
Speaker 1: and I smile with you more than anybody I've ever
Speaker 1: smiled and laughed within my life, not just in a relationship,
Speaker 1: but with anybody in my life. So that does work.
Speaker 1: So folks out there, if you are out there, good
Speaker 1: luck to you. If you are trying to get cuffed
Speaker 1: this season, good luck to you. If you might be
Speaker 1: going to a difficult time of a relationship and a
Speaker 1: divorce and a breakup, good luck to you there. And
Speaker 1: congratulations if you just got engaged, we're rooting for you
Speaker 1: or expecting one by February fourteenth.
Speaker 2: Expectations can get you in trouble, so good luck.
Speaker 1: Out there, everybody. But we always appreciate you listening to us,
Speaker 1: and we always appreciate you running with us as well.
Speaker 1: If you haven't been running with us, you could do that.
Speaker 1: Every Monday through Friday, we have our Morning Run podcast
Speaker 1: in which we go through the day's headlines every single day,
Speaker 1: so check that out. But for now, I'm two Jams.
Speaker 2: And I'm Amy Robock. Have a wonderful day, everyone,