WEBVTT - Mel Robbins: How to Use the ‘Let Them Theory’ (A Life Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About) 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:03.520 Every human being has a hard wired need to be 0:00:03.600 --> 0:00:06.360 in control of everything. There's three things in your control JA, 0:00:06.840 --> 0:00:09.000 what you think, what you do or don't do, and 0:00:09.280 --> 0:00:12.840 how you process your emotions. If you embrace the skill, 0:00:12.920 --> 0:00:13.720 you're going to be shocked. 0:00:13.760 --> 0:00:17.560 This is by far one of the best self helpe 0:00:17.600 --> 0:00:18.640 books I've ever read. 0:00:18.800 --> 0:00:21.640 Your Mind and Soul are in for a Tree, The 0:00:21.840 --> 0:00:27.480 Queen of grounded science backed personal development Mail Robbist. 0:00:28.440 --> 0:00:32.560 Work has been seen as the number one cause of stress. 0:00:32.720 --> 0:00:34.920 You have a customer that's really rude, you lose a 0:00:34.920 --> 0:00:37.440 big account, you get passed over for something. As you 0:00:37.520 --> 0:00:39.960 notice the stress come up, Jay, You're simply going to 0:00:40.040 --> 0:00:43.960 say let them. If you focus and try to manage 0:00:44.000 --> 0:00:46.800 things that are never going to be within your control, 0:00:47.280 --> 0:00:51.320 it only creates stress, anxiety, and frustration for you. 0:00:51.479 --> 0:00:54.960 Imagine, for every thought you had about that person, you 0:00:55.000 --> 0:00:57.360 have to pay them a dollar. That's how much energy, 0:00:57.400 --> 0:00:59.600 time and money is being wasted. 0:01:00.120 --> 0:01:02.360 You have no idea right now how much time and 0:01:02.520 --> 0:01:06.760 energy is being wasted or drained because of other people's 0:01:06.800 --> 0:01:10.039 behavior or your expectations about how you wish things would go. 0:01:10.959 --> 0:01:14.280 This is I think my legacy. I think that this 0:01:14.400 --> 0:01:17.760 is the thing I was supposed to figure out and 0:01:17.880 --> 0:01:18.720 leave the world. 0:01:22.120 --> 0:01:26.080 The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Setty Jay Setty. 0:01:30.800 --> 0:01:33.919 If you're struggling right now with things you can't control, 0:01:34.000 --> 0:01:36.759 this episode is for you. If you're someone who's struggling 0:01:36.800 --> 0:01:40.160 at work and negative people and toxic culture, this episode's 0:01:40.160 --> 0:01:42.559 for you. If you're someone who's struggling with your family 0:01:42.680 --> 0:01:46.040 members and your friends and setting boundaries, these episodes for you. So, 0:01:46.959 --> 0:01:49.640 mel where I want to start is work has been 0:01:50.000 --> 0:01:52.920 seen as the number one cause of stress. You write 0:01:52.960 --> 0:01:56.360 about this book in people's lives. How can they let 0:01:56.480 --> 0:02:00.200 them theory help people in the place that causes then 0:02:00.400 --> 0:02:01.240 the most stress. 0:02:01.480 --> 0:02:05.400 It's an excellent question. So first, let me no pun intended. 0:02:05.560 --> 0:02:08.840 Let me explain the theory. So in case you haven't 0:02:09.040 --> 0:02:12.600 bumped into this online, the theory is very simple. It 0:02:12.760 --> 0:02:17.119 is a mindset tool that instantly helps you identify what's 0:02:17.200 --> 0:02:19.639 in your control and what's not in your control. The 0:02:19.760 --> 0:02:23.400 reason why this is important is because any psychologists will 0:02:23.400 --> 0:02:27.120 tell you that if you focus and try to manage 0:02:27.160 --> 0:02:29.880 things that are never going to be within your control, 0:02:30.480 --> 0:02:35.480 it only creates stress, anxiety, and frustration for you. When 0:02:35.560 --> 0:02:38.560 you take the context of work. There is so much 0:02:39.040 --> 0:02:41.880 inside your day to day life at work that is irritating. 0:02:42.360 --> 0:02:46.280 It is stressful. It is annoying from the endless meetings 0:02:46.320 --> 0:02:48.480 and no time to get work done to if you're 0:02:48.560 --> 0:02:50.920 somebody that is working in a retail store, you're doing 0:02:51.000 --> 0:02:53.400 shift work. You don't have control over what shifts. You 0:02:53.480 --> 0:02:57.000 get to feeling like you don't have the chance for promotion. 0:02:57.200 --> 0:02:59.840 It is just endless. And the way that you're going 0:02:59.880 --> 0:03:03.160 to use the let them theory is anytime something is 0:03:03.240 --> 0:03:05.519 happening at work that stresses you out, you have a 0:03:05.560 --> 0:03:08.320 customer that's really rude, you lose a big account, you 0:03:08.400 --> 0:03:11.280 get passed over for something, your idea gets dismissed in 0:03:11.360 --> 0:03:14.120 a work meeting. As you notice the stress come up, Jay, 0:03:14.240 --> 0:03:18.040 you're simply going to say, let them. Let my boss 0:03:18.080 --> 0:03:20.280 be in a bad mood, let my colleague take credit, 0:03:20.960 --> 0:03:25.040 let the customer be rude to me. And here's the thing. 0:03:25.160 --> 0:03:27.520 This sounds almost like you're being a doormat and you're 0:03:27.560 --> 0:03:31.160 being passive. It's the exact opposite. When you say let them, 0:03:31.760 --> 0:03:36.720 you're recognizing that the situation right now that has just 0:03:36.920 --> 0:03:41.040 happened has already happened, and that there is no reason 0:03:41.600 --> 0:03:44.320 to allow it to stress you out. When you allow 0:03:44.400 --> 0:03:46.760 your boss's mood to stress you out or make you nervous, 0:03:46.840 --> 0:03:50.800 you're giving power to your boss that they do not deserve, 0:03:51.360 --> 0:03:54.280 and so you're going to say let them. When you 0:03:54.520 --> 0:03:58.400 allow a customer that is rude or inconsiderate to make 0:03:58.480 --> 0:04:01.240 you feel bad about yourself, or to make you upset, 0:04:01.600 --> 0:04:04.040 or to rattle you, you just gave this rude person 0:04:04.440 --> 0:04:09.160 power over you. When you say let them, something interesting happens. 0:04:09.160 --> 0:04:14.040 First of all, you detach. Second, you feel almost superior. 0:04:14.640 --> 0:04:16.440 It's this weird thing because I don't think this is 0:04:16.440 --> 0:04:17.440 the same thing as saying. 0:04:17.360 --> 0:04:17.680 Let it go. 0:04:18.839 --> 0:04:22.760 You're a very grounded person. Jay, you strike me as 0:04:22.760 --> 0:04:24.520 the kind of person that can let anything go. 0:04:24.960 --> 0:04:25.800 Ha me. 0:04:27.000 --> 0:04:29.320 Whenever somebody would say to me, mel I know, I 0:04:29.400 --> 0:04:30.760 know it's not fair, which just happened at work. You 0:04:30.800 --> 0:04:32.360 gotta let it go, I'd be like, but I feel 0:04:32.400 --> 0:04:35.160 like I lost. I feel like I now have to 0:04:35.960 --> 0:04:38.559 be defeated. I feel more like a doormat. If somebody 0:04:38.600 --> 0:04:39.720 tells me to let something go. 0:04:40.120 --> 0:04:43.000 What's the difference between let it go and let them? 0:04:43.279 --> 0:04:45.840 For me, when I say let them, I get a 0:04:45.960 --> 0:04:48.600 jolt to superiority because I'm like, I can see that 0:04:48.680 --> 0:04:50.240 my boss is kind of a jerk, and I'm just 0:04:50.320 --> 0:04:52.599 going to let them be a jerk, and I rise 0:04:52.680 --> 0:04:55.000 above it. And I feel a little judgy. I mean, 0:04:55.040 --> 0:04:56.720 if I'm being perfectly honest, I mean, this is why 0:04:56.720 --> 0:04:59.200 people get this tattooed on their bodies. Because when you 0:04:59.640 --> 0:05:01.840 say that word let them, or you see it on 0:05:02.000 --> 0:05:05.600 your arm, what happens is you no longer allowed a 0:05:05.760 --> 0:05:09.320 rude colleague or something frustrating at work to derail your day. 0:05:10.240 --> 0:05:12.720 You say let them, and you rise above it, and 0:05:12.839 --> 0:05:14.520 you kind of go, I see what's happening here. I'm 0:05:14.520 --> 0:05:17.960 going to allow this without allowing it. But then there's 0:05:18.000 --> 0:05:21.160 a second part, Jay, and this is the most important part, 0:05:21.880 --> 0:05:23.800 and it's the part that people do not tattoo on 0:05:23.880 --> 0:05:28.280 themselves because it's the harder part. And the second part 0:05:28.360 --> 0:05:30.960 of this theory is saying yourself, let me, let me 0:05:31.440 --> 0:05:34.000 remind myself that in life, there are always three things 0:05:34.080 --> 0:05:36.240 I can control. That's where my power is. My power 0:05:36.320 --> 0:05:40.520 is not in managing my boss or in trying to 0:05:41.800 --> 0:05:45.520 deal with some customer that just doesn't want to be 0:05:46.240 --> 0:05:49.440 in an okay mood, and doesn't want to be calmed down. 0:05:49.520 --> 0:05:51.280 They want to be right. They want to take it 0:05:51.360 --> 0:05:53.520 out on you. So you're gonna let them. But then 0:05:53.600 --> 0:05:56.480 you've created this boundary you rise above. I'm gonna just 0:05:56.560 --> 0:05:58.000 let you be upset here. I'm not gonna let it 0:05:58.040 --> 0:06:00.520 impact me. And then you say let me. And what 0:06:00.600 --> 0:06:02.960 you're reminding yourself of is there's three things in your control. 0:06:03.080 --> 0:06:06.760 Ja what you think, next, what you do or don't do, 0:06:07.480 --> 0:06:09.960 and oftentimes not doing something. It's the more powerful mood 0:06:11.440 --> 0:06:15.800 and how you process your emotions. Those are the three 0:06:15.880 --> 0:06:18.719 things that are always in your control. And when you say, 0:06:18.880 --> 0:06:23.760 let me take responsibility right now for how I'm going 0:06:23.839 --> 0:06:26.120 to respond to this. And the word responsibility, after all, 0:06:26.200 --> 0:06:29.280 is the ability to respond right. And so when you 0:06:29.360 --> 0:06:32.960 say let me, and you remember, I can think what 0:06:33.040 --> 0:06:35.720 I want about this, I can act in response to this, 0:06:35.920 --> 0:06:38.920 and I can process my emotions and either allow them 0:06:38.960 --> 0:06:42.320 to rise and fall and stay steady and calm, or 0:06:43.240 --> 0:06:45.800 you know, you can certainly irrupt if you want to. 0:06:46.279 --> 0:06:48.520 But why would you want to, because then that means 0:06:48.920 --> 0:06:50.400 you've given power to somebody else. 0:06:50.839 --> 0:06:56.080 Why are we so distracted and obsessed with things we 0:06:56.200 --> 0:06:59.040 can't control. I'm sure, we all have a friend or 0:06:59.160 --> 0:07:01.960 know someone who knows they need to be working on 0:07:02.120 --> 0:07:05.680 their business, but they're talking about the news. They know 0:07:05.839 --> 0:07:08.600 they should be writing their book, but they're focused on 0:07:08.760 --> 0:07:12.320 talking about politics. They know they should be building the 0:07:12.440 --> 0:07:14.600 next stage in their career or whatever it may be, 0:07:15.000 --> 0:07:18.480 trying to get that promotion, work towards that next threshold 0:07:18.560 --> 0:07:21.360 or whatever they're trying to achieve, but they're distracted by 0:07:21.440 --> 0:07:24.080 talking about all the people, all the things, all the 0:07:24.200 --> 0:07:26.760 ideas that they can do nothing about. Why are we 0:07:26.880 --> 0:07:27.880 so addicted to it? 0:07:28.400 --> 0:07:31.720 Well, I think there's two reasons, because your question is 0:07:31.760 --> 0:07:34.400 about two different things. One is why are we focused 0:07:34.440 --> 0:07:36.080 on things we can't control? And the other one is 0:07:36.160 --> 0:07:39.400 sort of like why are we distracted? And they're interconnected. 0:07:39.560 --> 0:07:43.720 So let's just address the issue of control. Every human 0:07:43.800 --> 0:07:47.600 being has a hard wired need to be in control 0:07:47.680 --> 0:07:50.720 of everything because being in control is what makes you 0:07:50.800 --> 0:07:54.360 feel safe. So I need to feel in control of 0:07:54.480 --> 0:07:58.720 my thoughts, my decisions, my environment, my future. And the 0:07:58.840 --> 0:08:02.760 problem is so do you. But part of the need 0:08:02.880 --> 0:08:07.400 for control jay extends beyond me, because if you're doing 0:08:07.560 --> 0:08:11.440 something that makes me annoyed or irritated or worried, about you. 0:08:12.080 --> 0:08:15.240 Now I'm feeling a little unsafer, worried because of what 0:08:15.320 --> 0:08:17.000 you're doing, and so now I'm going to want to 0:08:17.000 --> 0:08:20.760 control you so that I feel better. And so it 0:08:20.920 --> 0:08:25.640 is a fundamental, hardwired need inside every human being you know, 0:08:26.240 --> 0:08:30.280 to be in control of yourself. And yet the second 0:08:30.440 --> 0:08:33.400 we step across the line and we try to control 0:08:33.480 --> 0:08:35.800 someone else, whether it's I think you should be healthier, 0:08:35.920 --> 0:08:38.079 I think you should be more motivated. I wish you 0:08:38.080 --> 0:08:41.560 wouldn't like leave the kleenexes when you're blowing your nose 0:08:41.640 --> 0:08:43.559 on the whatever it is that you wish someone else 0:08:43.559 --> 0:08:45.920 would do. I wish my boss wouldn't talk in every 0:08:46.000 --> 0:08:48.200 meeting and would give a chance for us to talk. 0:08:48.960 --> 0:08:51.920 All of that desire for someone else to change. Is 0:08:52.040 --> 0:08:56.160 you attempting to control the uncontrollable. And so I think 0:08:56.280 --> 0:08:58.520 one of the reasons why we do this is because 0:08:58.520 --> 0:09:01.920 we're hardwired to do it. And the problem becomes that 0:09:02.040 --> 0:09:04.520 the second I try to control you, Jay, it's not 0:09:04.600 --> 0:09:06.120 going to motivate you to do what I want you 0:09:06.200 --> 0:09:08.600 to do. It's going to bump up against your need 0:09:08.760 --> 0:09:10.920 for your own control. So you're going to push back 0:09:10.920 --> 0:09:14.520 against me absolutely, And so you also asked about distraction. 0:09:14.960 --> 0:09:18.200 I think the reason why we're so distracted is because 0:09:18.679 --> 0:09:21.240 if you spend so much time and energy allowing the 0:09:21.280 --> 0:09:24.400 world around you to stress you out and drain your energy, 0:09:25.360 --> 0:09:29.839 you are now susceptible to being hijacked by meaningless things 0:09:30.200 --> 0:09:32.679 that are not important to you. And this is one 0:09:32.679 --> 0:09:35.199 of the biggest discoveries that I've made about using the 0:09:35.280 --> 0:09:38.200 let them theory and researching it has spread around the world, 0:09:38.440 --> 0:09:41.600 is that the single biggest benefit is that you get 0:09:41.640 --> 0:09:44.240 time and energy back. You have no idea right now 0:09:44.400 --> 0:09:48.080 how much time and energy is being wasted or drained 0:09:48.600 --> 0:09:52.080 because of other people's behavior or your expectations about how 0:09:52.120 --> 0:09:55.360 you wish things would go. And once you start noticing 0:09:56.440 --> 0:09:58.760 all of these little moments all day long, it's like 0:09:58.800 --> 0:10:00.360 a death by a thousand cus. Do you want to 0:10:00.360 --> 0:10:01.640 know why you're too tired? You want to know why 0:10:01.640 --> 0:10:03.520 you're overwhelmed, You want to know why you're stressed out, 0:10:03.559 --> 0:10:05.600 you want to know why you have no time for yourself. 0:10:06.120 --> 0:10:08.800 It's because of the power you give to other people's opinions, 0:10:09.040 --> 0:10:12.760 their emotions, their immature behavior. It's the ways in which 0:10:13.320 --> 0:10:16.080 you are turning people into a problem in your life. 0:10:16.160 --> 0:10:19.160 And here's the sad fact. The sad fact is other 0:10:19.320 --> 0:10:25.640 people should be the greatest source of happiness and connection 0:10:25.960 --> 0:10:31.600 and inspiration. But if you don't truly learn this skill 0:10:31.720 --> 0:10:34.760 that we're going to talk about today of focusing on 0:10:34.920 --> 0:10:39.760 what you can control and letting people be who they are, 0:10:40.960 --> 0:10:43.840 letting things play out as they're playing out, and then 0:10:43.960 --> 0:10:47.439 bringing the power back in house, and really focusing on 0:10:47.520 --> 0:10:50.800 how you responded. If you embrace this skill, you're going 0:10:50.840 --> 0:10:53.200 to be shocked. You're going to be shocked by how 0:10:53.320 --> 0:10:56.439 much time you've wasted, I'm not kidding. Yeah, And you're 0:10:56.440 --> 0:10:59.080 going to be shocked jay by the fact that you've 0:10:59.240 --> 0:11:06.559 allowed stupid things and people's drama to drain you. And 0:11:06.960 --> 0:11:10.120 that's why I also think we're so susceptible to distraction 0:11:10.679 --> 0:11:14.400 because we've given so much power away all day long. 0:11:14.760 --> 0:11:16.600 Because here's the truth. I'll give you an example when 0:11:16.640 --> 0:11:18.839 I first discovered this and I started playing around with it. 0:11:19.320 --> 0:11:21.400 The very first way that I used it after I 0:11:21.480 --> 0:11:24.400 discovered it was I was standing in line and we've 0:11:24.440 --> 0:11:27.040 all been at the grocery store when it's like six 0:11:27.120 --> 0:11:30.760 people deep and there's one person working, and it's like, beep, beep, 0:11:31.040 --> 0:11:36.200 beep and you start feeling that wave right and immediately 0:11:36.440 --> 0:11:39.920 the wave of stress takes over because you're now irritated 0:11:40.000 --> 0:11:44.560 by what's happening. And what just happens when you start 0:11:44.640 --> 0:11:48.040 reacting to that and you allow that stress wave to 0:11:48.120 --> 0:11:51.559 start to take over, is that you're giving power to 0:11:51.679 --> 0:11:55.640 something outside of you. Now, I can't control what's happening 0:11:55.760 --> 0:11:59.319 right now, so why on earth would I allow it 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:02.600 to brain my energy? Because as it comes up, Jay, 0:12:02.720 --> 0:12:05.000 what do I then do? I then start talking to myself, Well, 0:12:05.080 --> 0:12:07.439 this is ridiculous. Why have they not done an announcement 0:12:07.559 --> 0:12:09.839 like I gotta get going here? Why are they not 0:12:09.920 --> 0:12:13.079 bringing another Now I'm starting to believe, Jay, that I 0:12:13.200 --> 0:12:15.440 can run a supermarket better than the people that are 0:12:15.480 --> 0:12:17.280 running it. And then you, of course turn to the 0:12:17.320 --> 0:12:19.480 person behind you and your role, like can you believe this? 0:12:20.040 --> 0:12:24.960 And now this is the interesting part that I really 0:12:25.200 --> 0:12:28.440 want everybody. I really want the person listening to embrace. 0:12:29.880 --> 0:12:35.160 In that moment, you just gave away your energy and 0:12:35.320 --> 0:12:40.040 you have a choice. When you say let them, you 0:12:40.320 --> 0:12:44.120 instantly feel a release and then you say, let me 0:12:45.040 --> 0:12:46.880 decide what I'm gonna do right now? Am I going 0:12:46.960 --> 0:12:49.920 to I can leave the store. That's one thing I 0:12:49.960 --> 0:12:53.000 can do. I could stand here and practice being present. 0:12:53.679 --> 0:12:56.120 It's another thing I could do. I could because I 0:12:56.160 --> 0:12:57.400 don't have time at the end of the day and 0:12:57.400 --> 0:12:59.480 I'm always tired and I'm complaining that I'm lonely. I 0:12:59.520 --> 0:13:01.319 could actually pick up the phone and call my grandmother. 0:13:02.320 --> 0:13:05.160 I could text my friend Jayshetty because I've been thinking 0:13:05.200 --> 0:13:09.280 about them. Like, you have so much power, but you're 0:13:09.320 --> 0:13:11.560 going to burn through it in that line, and then 0:13:11.559 --> 0:13:14.040 you're going to feel your stress activated, and then you're 0:13:14.040 --> 0:13:15.640 going to get in the car and then somebody is 0:13:15.640 --> 0:13:16.920 going to pull out in front of you, and then 0:13:16.920 --> 0:13:19.199 you're going to like be stressed again. And then you're 0:13:19.200 --> 0:13:21.120 going to walk into work and you're going to be 0:13:21.160 --> 0:13:24.520 annoyed in some meeting because of what something somebody said, 0:13:24.640 --> 0:13:27.120 and then that's going to hit you again an all 0:13:27.360 --> 0:13:31.439 day long. Because you don't recognize how this stuff is 0:13:31.480 --> 0:13:35.480 impacting you. That energy inside your body is slowly draining, 0:13:36.160 --> 0:13:39.840 and this is why you're exhausted, and so simply starting 0:13:39.880 --> 0:13:42.040 to use it, whether it's at work or it's just 0:13:42.240 --> 0:13:45.839 in your daily life, to say, let them when you 0:13:45.960 --> 0:13:48.600 notice that somebody else is irritating you or your sister 0:13:49.080 --> 0:13:51.800 you know, is doing that annoying thing. Just letter, yeah, 0:13:52.000 --> 0:13:52.319 let her. 0:13:52.280 --> 0:13:54.600 Be the example. That example was great, and I love 0:13:54.720 --> 0:13:58.520 how you explain that difference between just how much you 0:13:58.679 --> 0:14:03.920 notice how your whole life gets immersed in this tiny 0:14:04.040 --> 0:14:06.800 thing where you now talk about it. I've thought about it. 0:14:06.880 --> 0:14:09.120 If you were late somewhere, you're getting somewhere with some 0:14:09.200 --> 0:14:12.880 struggle in trouble, and you had a bad journey getting somewhere, 0:14:13.240 --> 0:14:15.960 you'll talk about it to everyone. You'll be like, oh, yeah, 0:14:16.040 --> 0:14:18.160 this person cut us off in traffic, and then there 0:14:18.280 --> 0:14:20.880 was this new driver that was figuring ou how to learn, 0:14:20.960 --> 0:14:23.000 and then the cops were around. If you had the 0:14:23.120 --> 0:14:26.200 best journey, easiest journey here you describe it in one sentence, right, 0:14:26.360 --> 0:14:28.160 and we just get so absorbed. And so I love 0:14:28.240 --> 0:14:30.240 that example. I want to paint in another scenario for 0:14:30.280 --> 0:14:32.720 people to really understand the system. Let's say you have 0:14:32.800 --> 0:14:36.680 a partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, maybe you're married to them, and 0:14:36.840 --> 0:14:40.880 this person always turns up from work a little bit late. 0:14:41.480 --> 0:14:43.760 They don't wash the dishes. You wake up in the morning, 0:14:43.840 --> 0:14:47.520 the dishes are always still out there. There's a sense 0:14:47.600 --> 0:14:50.560 that you've told them this urged you a million times? 0:14:50.680 --> 0:14:53.280 Did my husband ask you to ask me this question, Jake. 0:14:55.160 --> 0:14:55.840 He's amazing. 0:14:56.960 --> 0:14:59.520 Chris has your number, Chris. 0:15:00.240 --> 0:15:02.840 Yeah. And so I'm mean, I'm speaking from so much, 0:15:03.080 --> 0:15:05.840 not direct personal experience, but personal ext winds in so 0:15:05.920 --> 0:15:06.280 many ways. 0:15:06.760 --> 0:15:10.360 And you're saying this person's not changing. They haven't changed, 0:15:10.840 --> 0:15:14.000 because it's the fundamental role everybody. Number one, You cannot 0:15:14.080 --> 0:15:16.600 change another human being. It is impossible for you to 0:15:16.680 --> 0:15:20.560 change somebody else. Now, you can influence them, but you 0:15:20.720 --> 0:15:24.200 cannot change them. People only change if they feel like 0:15:24.320 --> 0:15:28.880 it and if they can. And wanting and wishing is 0:15:28.920 --> 0:15:31.840 a wonderful thing. Wanting and wishing somebody to be cleaner 0:15:32.080 --> 0:15:34.680 and to pick up after themselves, Wanting your kids to 0:15:34.720 --> 0:15:37.560 be more motivated, Wanting the people that you love to 0:15:37.640 --> 0:15:39.760 take better care of themselves and to be healthier, to 0:15:39.920 --> 0:15:43.080 date somebody that is normal and healthy instead of the 0:15:43.200 --> 0:15:46.280 losers that treat them like crap. That's a beautiful thing 0:15:46.960 --> 0:15:49.760 for you to want for other people, and you deserve 0:15:49.840 --> 0:15:52.320 to do that, and you should do that. Wanting people 0:15:52.440 --> 0:15:56.480 to change is not the problem. Wanting bigger possibilities for 0:15:56.560 --> 0:15:58.720 people is not the problem. How we go about it is, 0:15:59.360 --> 0:16:01.560 And so in this scenario that you're talking about is 0:16:01.600 --> 0:16:06.760 a beautiful example because you have to say let them. 0:16:07.560 --> 0:16:09.720 You see the dishes in the sink. It makes you 0:16:09.880 --> 0:16:13.320 upset because you feel disrespected and that it's annoying, and 0:16:13.800 --> 0:16:16.480 you have higher standards for cleanliness, which means you're probably 0:16:16.520 --> 0:16:18.120 just going to do them anyway, and then you're going 0:16:18.160 --> 0:16:21.160 to feel like you're really taking whatever for granted. But 0:16:21.280 --> 0:16:23.920 you have to say let them. And one of the 0:16:24.000 --> 0:16:28.920 reasons why is because number one, if this is a 0:16:29.320 --> 0:16:33.400 long term, committed partnership, learning how to love somebody as 0:16:33.480 --> 0:16:37.800 they are is a form of love that is deeply important. 0:16:38.720 --> 0:16:43.240 And if you can't say let them in that moment, 0:16:44.000 --> 0:16:47.000 you are going to get frustrated and angry, and then 0:16:47.040 --> 0:16:49.080 you are going to come to the next part of 0:16:49.120 --> 0:16:53.200 the let them theory with tremendous intensity and judgment and 0:16:53.360 --> 0:16:56.280 that's not going to motivate change. What it does when 0:16:56.320 --> 0:16:58.960 you judge somebody or you push against them, is it 0:16:59.120 --> 0:17:03.360 actually creates it's resistance to change. So you have to 0:17:03.400 --> 0:17:06.720 say let them because it allows you to detach from 0:17:06.800 --> 0:17:10.359 your emotions and detach from judgment. Right, it is what 0:17:10.480 --> 0:17:13.200 it is. I see what's happened I'm accepting the reality 0:17:13.240 --> 0:17:13.359 of this. 0:17:13.640 --> 0:17:14.000 Let them. 0:17:14.560 --> 0:17:17.080 Then you come to the let me part. Is this 0:17:17.240 --> 0:17:20.399 something that bothers you? And if it is, remember you 0:17:20.520 --> 0:17:22.879 got three things. I can choose what I want to 0:17:22.880 --> 0:17:25.160 think about this, and so you could think a good thought. 0:17:25.280 --> 0:17:27.840 You could think, okay, good intention. They were probably super 0:17:27.880 --> 0:17:29.840 busy this morning and they meant to do it later. 0:17:30.320 --> 0:17:32.359 Let them Okay, I'm going to choose to believe that. 0:17:33.400 --> 0:17:36.520 You could also then remind yourself. Let me remind myself 0:17:36.560 --> 0:17:39.080 there's something I can do about this, right, And if 0:17:39.080 --> 0:17:41.040 it's really important, what you need to do about this 0:17:41.200 --> 0:17:43.359 is have a conversation. And by the way, Chris has 0:17:43.400 --> 0:17:46.280 had this conversation with me a bazillion times. So if 0:17:46.320 --> 0:17:50.080 you walk into our bathroom, Chris's bathroom probably looks like 0:17:50.280 --> 0:17:52.600 your side of the sink, which is it's like a 0:17:52.840 --> 0:17:56.359 zen seven star hotel Jay like, there's not a speck 0:17:56.480 --> 0:17:59.080 on that man's like basin or whatever you call it. 0:17:59.840 --> 0:18:02.920 You you look at mine, it looks like somebody tipped 0:18:03.000 --> 0:18:06.119 over a Walgreens aisle on top of that thing. And 0:18:06.920 --> 0:18:09.920 it drives Chris crazy. But what particularly drives them crazy 0:18:10.040 --> 0:18:12.439 is when something migrates from my side to his side right. 0:18:12.520 --> 0:18:14.480 And so he's asked me. He's asked me to please 0:18:14.560 --> 0:18:16.560 keep my stuff over there. He has asked me to 0:18:16.640 --> 0:18:19.520 please flatten cardboard boxes when they come in, don't please pack, 0:18:19.680 --> 0:18:22.080 don't unpack them, and then stack them by the garage door, 0:18:22.359 --> 0:18:24.680 as if I'm supposed to do it. And he's asked 0:18:24.680 --> 0:18:26.040 me and asked me and ask me, and then I 0:18:26.160 --> 0:18:29.720 forget well, he finally sat me down, Jay, And this 0:18:29.840 --> 0:18:32.119 is to let me part. You have to take responsibility 0:18:32.280 --> 0:18:36.119 for explaining to somebody what you need and the reason 0:18:36.320 --> 0:18:39.920 why this is important to you. Because when Chris said 0:18:40.240 --> 0:18:43.560 to me, I know you don't intend this, but this 0:18:43.720 --> 0:18:47.240 is the impact Mal When I see the cardboard boxes stacked, 0:18:47.359 --> 0:18:50.280 or I see your hair brush in fifteen products of 0:18:50.359 --> 0:18:55.879 yours on my countertop, it actually makes me feel like 0:18:56.000 --> 0:18:58.800 you think I'm the maid and we don't even have 0:18:58.920 --> 0:19:02.040 a maid. Like it's just like it makes me feel 0:19:02.359 --> 0:19:05.840 like you think it's my job to clean up after you, 0:19:06.800 --> 0:19:09.639 and that doesn't make me feel loved. Now, when he 0:19:09.840 --> 0:19:12.280 took the time, in a very calm way, to drop 0:19:12.359 --> 0:19:16.880 into his values and communicate what he needed, something interesting 0:19:16.920 --> 0:19:20.160 happens if you're in a committed, loving partnership and you're 0:19:20.200 --> 0:19:22.840 with somebody who wants to do better and cares about you, 0:19:24.040 --> 0:19:29.160 it taps into their intrinsic motivation to build new skills. 0:19:30.960 --> 0:19:34.399 If you have that kind of conversation with somebody and 0:19:34.520 --> 0:19:37.280 you explain how their behavior impacts you, whether it's their 0:19:37.320 --> 0:19:41.040 drinking or it's the tone of their voice, or it's 0:19:41.040 --> 0:19:43.120 the fact that they leave their stuff everywhere, or it's 0:19:43.200 --> 0:19:45.840 that they insist that you spend every holiday with their 0:19:45.920 --> 0:19:48.159 family and they have no interest in your whatever. The 0:19:48.280 --> 0:19:51.040 issue is, if you sit somebody down and you take responsibility, 0:19:51.040 --> 0:19:53.720 you've let them be and you've let them shown you 0:19:53.800 --> 0:19:56.400 who they are, and then you say, let me sit 0:19:56.480 --> 0:19:58.520 down and talk about this and take responsibility. I have 0:19:58.560 --> 0:20:01.280 the ability to respond to this a mature adult, and 0:20:01.400 --> 0:20:04.080 you actually express what you need and why, and that 0:20:04.320 --> 0:20:09.120 person doesn't try. You have to let them. And here's why. 0:20:10.000 --> 0:20:15.159 Their behavior is telling you the truth. Their behavior is 0:20:15.320 --> 0:20:18.479 telling you what they care about and what their priorities are. 0:20:19.240 --> 0:20:22.560 And if their behavior is telling you that your needs 0:20:23.160 --> 0:20:26.560 are not a priority, you have to let them reveal 0:20:26.640 --> 0:20:31.160 that because yes, because then you're going to come back 0:20:31.200 --> 0:20:35.280 to the second part, which is let me ask myself, 0:20:36.320 --> 0:20:41.840 is this kind of behavior from somebody what I deserve? 0:20:43.000 --> 0:20:47.720 Is this what I'm willing to accept in somebody? Because again, 0:20:47.800 --> 0:20:49.720 what do we also know? People only change when they 0:20:49.760 --> 0:20:53.159 want to or they can. And you might be in 0:20:53.240 --> 0:20:56.840 a situation where somebody would really love to change, but 0:20:58.119 --> 0:21:02.200 they can't because they're dealing with some challenge right now, 0:21:02.640 --> 0:21:07.080 or they don't have the skill yet. And you may decide, 0:21:07.119 --> 0:21:10.399 if that's the case, to still love and accept the person. 0:21:11.760 --> 0:21:14.720 But there may be times where you have had the 0:21:14.800 --> 0:21:18.320 conversation and it is very clear they're capable of it, 0:21:18.720 --> 0:21:21.560 they just won't do it. And what I find in 0:21:21.680 --> 0:21:25.639 relationships where that sort of invisible distance and the frustration 0:21:25.800 --> 0:21:29.879 and the resentment comes up is twofold number one. You 0:21:30.480 --> 0:21:32.680 can't detach from your emotions and say let them and 0:21:32.840 --> 0:21:35.480 really fully just let the person be who they are, 0:21:36.000 --> 0:21:37.800