1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:03,520 Speaker 1: Every human being has a hard wired need to be 2 00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:06,360 Speaker 1: in control of everything. There's three things in your control JA, 3 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:09,000 Speaker 1: what you think, what you do or don't do, and 4 00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:12,840 Speaker 1: how you process your emotions. If you embrace the skill, 5 00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:13,720 Speaker 1: you're going to be shocked. 6 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:17,560 Speaker 2: This is by far one of the best self helpe 7 00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:18,640 Speaker 2: books I've ever read. 8 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:21,640 Speaker 1: Your Mind and Soul are in for a Tree, The 9 00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:27,480 Speaker 1: Queen of grounded science backed personal development Mail Robbist. 10 00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:32,560 Speaker 2: Work has been seen as the number one cause of stress. 11 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,920 Speaker 1: You have a customer that's really rude, you lose a 12 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:37,440 Speaker 1: big account, you get passed over for something. As you 13 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:39,960 Speaker 1: notice the stress come up, Jay, You're simply going to 14 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:43,960 Speaker 1: say let them. If you focus and try to manage 15 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,800 Speaker 1: things that are never going to be within your control, 16 00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:51,320 Speaker 1: it only creates stress, anxiety, and frustration for you. 17 00:00:51,479 --> 00:00:54,960 Speaker 2: Imagine, for every thought you had about that person, you 18 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:57,360 Speaker 2: have to pay them a dollar. That's how much energy, 19 00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,600 Speaker 2: time and money is being wasted. 20 00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:02,360 Speaker 1: You have no idea right now how much time and 21 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:06,760 Speaker 1: energy is being wasted or drained because of other people's 22 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:10,039 Speaker 1: behavior or your expectations about how you wish things would go. 23 00:01:10,959 --> 00:01:14,280 Speaker 1: This is I think my legacy. I think that this 24 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:17,760 Speaker 1: is the thing I was supposed to figure out and 25 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:18,720 Speaker 1: leave the world. 26 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:26,080 Speaker 2: The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Setty Jay Setty. 27 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:33,919 Speaker 2: If you're struggling right now with things you can't control, 28 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,759 Speaker 2: this episode is for you. If you're someone who's struggling 29 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:40,160 Speaker 2: at work and negative people and toxic culture, this episode's 30 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:42,559 Speaker 2: for you. If you're someone who's struggling with your family 31 00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:46,040 Speaker 2: members and your friends and setting boundaries, these episodes for you. So, 32 00:01:46,959 --> 00:01:49,640 Speaker 2: mel where I want to start is work has been 33 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,920 Speaker 2: seen as the number one cause of stress. You write 34 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:56,360 Speaker 2: about this book in people's lives. How can they let 35 00:01:56,480 --> 00:02:00,200 Speaker 2: them theory help people in the place that causes then 36 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:01,240 Speaker 2: the most stress. 37 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:05,400 Speaker 1: It's an excellent question. So first, let me no pun intended. 38 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:08,840 Speaker 1: Let me explain the theory. So in case you haven't 39 00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:12,600 Speaker 1: bumped into this online, the theory is very simple. It 40 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:17,119 Speaker 1: is a mindset tool that instantly helps you identify what's 41 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,639 Speaker 1: in your control and what's not in your control. The 42 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:23,400 Speaker 1: reason why this is important is because any psychologists will 43 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:27,120 Speaker 1: tell you that if you focus and try to manage 44 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:29,880 Speaker 1: things that are never going to be within your control, 45 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:35,480 Speaker 1: it only creates stress, anxiety, and frustration for you. When 46 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:38,560 Speaker 1: you take the context of work. There is so much 47 00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:41,880 Speaker 1: inside your day to day life at work that is irritating. 48 00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:46,280 Speaker 1: It is stressful. It is annoying from the endless meetings 49 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:48,480 Speaker 1: and no time to get work done to if you're 50 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:50,920 Speaker 1: somebody that is working in a retail store, you're doing 51 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:53,400 Speaker 1: shift work. You don't have control over what shifts. You 52 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:57,000 Speaker 1: get to feeling like you don't have the chance for promotion. 53 00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:59,840 Speaker 1: It is just endless. And the way that you're going 54 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:03,160 Speaker 1: to use the let them theory is anytime something is 55 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:05,519 Speaker 1: happening at work that stresses you out, you have a 56 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,320 Speaker 1: customer that's really rude, you lose a big account, you 57 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:11,280 Speaker 1: get passed over for something, your idea gets dismissed in 58 00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:14,120 Speaker 1: a work meeting. As you notice the stress come up, Jay, 59 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:18,040 Speaker 1: you're simply going to say, let them. Let my boss 60 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:20,280 Speaker 1: be in a bad mood, let my colleague take credit, 61 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:25,040 Speaker 1: let the customer be rude to me. And here's the thing. 62 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,520 Speaker 1: This sounds almost like you're being a doormat and you're 63 00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:31,160 Speaker 1: being passive. It's the exact opposite. When you say let them, 64 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:36,720 Speaker 1: you're recognizing that the situation right now that has just 65 00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:41,040 Speaker 1: happened has already happened, and that there is no reason 66 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:44,320 Speaker 1: to allow it to stress you out. When you allow 67 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,760 Speaker 1: your boss's mood to stress you out or make you nervous, 68 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:50,800 Speaker 1: you're giving power to your boss that they do not deserve, 69 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:54,280 Speaker 1: and so you're going to say let them. When you 70 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:58,400 Speaker 1: allow a customer that is rude or inconsiderate to make 71 00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:01,240 Speaker 1: you feel bad about yourself, or to make you upset, 72 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:04,040 Speaker 1: or to rattle you, you just gave this rude person 73 00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:09,160 Speaker 1: power over you. When you say let them, something interesting happens. 74 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:14,040 Speaker 1: First of all, you detach. Second, you feel almost superior. 75 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,440 Speaker 1: It's this weird thing because I don't think this is 76 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:17,440 Speaker 1: the same thing as saying. 77 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:17,680 Speaker 2: Let it go. 78 00:04:18,839 --> 00:04:22,760 Speaker 1: You're a very grounded person. Jay, you strike me as 79 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:24,520 Speaker 1: the kind of person that can let anything go. 80 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:25,800 Speaker 2: Ha me. 81 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:29,320 Speaker 1: Whenever somebody would say to me, mel I know, I 82 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:30,760 Speaker 1: know it's not fair, which just happened at work. You 83 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:32,360 Speaker 1: gotta let it go, I'd be like, but I feel 84 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:35,160 Speaker 1: like I lost. I feel like I now have to 85 00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:38,559 Speaker 1: be defeated. I feel more like a doormat. If somebody 86 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:39,720 Speaker 1: tells me to let something go. 87 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:43,000 Speaker 2: What's the difference between let it go and let them? 88 00:04:43,279 --> 00:04:45,840 Speaker 1: For me, when I say let them, I get a 89 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,600 Speaker 1: jolt to superiority because I'm like, I can see that 90 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,240 Speaker 1: my boss is kind of a jerk, and I'm just 91 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,599 Speaker 1: going to let them be a jerk, and I rise 92 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:55,000 Speaker 1: above it. And I feel a little judgy. I mean, 93 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:56,720 Speaker 1: if I'm being perfectly honest, I mean, this is why 94 00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:59,200 Speaker 1: people get this tattooed on their bodies. Because when you 95 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,840 Speaker 1: say that word let them, or you see it on 96 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:05,600 Speaker 1: your arm, what happens is you no longer allowed a 97 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:09,320 Speaker 1: rude colleague or something frustrating at work to derail your day. 98 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:12,720 Speaker 1: You say let them, and you rise above it, and 99 00:05:12,839 --> 00:05:14,520 Speaker 1: you kind of go, I see what's happening here. I'm 100 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:17,960 Speaker 1: going to allow this without allowing it. But then there's 101 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:21,160 Speaker 1: a second part, Jay, and this is the most important part, 102 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:23,800 Speaker 1: and it's the part that people do not tattoo on 103 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:28,280 Speaker 1: themselves because it's the harder part. And the second part 104 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:30,960 Speaker 1: of this theory is saying yourself, let me, let me 105 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:34,000 Speaker 1: remind myself that in life, there are always three things 106 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:36,240 Speaker 1: I can control. That's where my power is. My power 107 00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:40,520 Speaker 1: is not in managing my boss or in trying to 108 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:45,520 Speaker 1: deal with some customer that just doesn't want to be 109 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:49,440 Speaker 1: in an okay mood, and doesn't want to be calmed down. 110 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:51,280 Speaker 1: They want to be right. They want to take it 111 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:53,520 Speaker 1: out on you. So you're gonna let them. But then 112 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:56,480 Speaker 1: you've created this boundary you rise above. I'm gonna just 113 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,000 Speaker 1: let you be upset here. I'm not gonna let it 114 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:00,520 Speaker 1: impact me. And then you say let me. And what 115 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,960 Speaker 1: you're reminding yourself of is there's three things in your control. 116 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:06,760 Speaker 1: Ja what you think, next, what you do or don't do, 117 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,960 Speaker 1: and oftentimes not doing something. It's the more powerful mood 118 00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:15,800 Speaker 1: and how you process your emotions. Those are the three 119 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:18,719 Speaker 1: things that are always in your control. And when you say, 120 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:23,760 Speaker 1: let me take responsibility right now for how I'm going 121 00:06:23,839 --> 00:06:26,120 Speaker 1: to respond to this. And the word responsibility, after all, 122 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:29,280 Speaker 1: is the ability to respond right. And so when you 123 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:32,960 Speaker 1: say let me, and you remember, I can think what 124 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:35,720 Speaker 1: I want about this, I can act in response to this, 125 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:38,920 Speaker 1: and I can process my emotions and either allow them 126 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:42,320 Speaker 1: to rise and fall and stay steady and calm, or 127 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:45,800 Speaker 1: you know, you can certainly irrupt if you want to. 128 00:06:46,279 --> 00:06:48,520 Speaker 1: But why would you want to, because then that means 129 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:50,400 Speaker 1: you've given power to somebody else. 130 00:06:50,839 --> 00:06:56,080 Speaker 2: Why are we so distracted and obsessed with things we 131 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,040 Speaker 2: can't control. I'm sure, we all have a friend or 132 00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:01,960 Speaker 2: know someone who knows they need to be working on 133 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:05,680 Speaker 2: their business, but they're talking about the news. They know 134 00:07:05,839 --> 00:07:08,600 Speaker 2: they should be writing their book, but they're focused on 135 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:12,320 Speaker 2: talking about politics. They know they should be building the 136 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:14,600 Speaker 2: next stage in their career or whatever it may be, 137 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:18,480 Speaker 2: trying to get that promotion, work towards that next threshold 138 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:21,360 Speaker 2: or whatever they're trying to achieve, but they're distracted by 139 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:24,080 Speaker 2: talking about all the people, all the things, all the 140 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,760 Speaker 2: ideas that they can do nothing about. Why are we 141 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:27,880 Speaker 2: so addicted to it? 142 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:31,720 Speaker 1: Well, I think there's two reasons, because your question is 143 00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:34,400 Speaker 1: about two different things. One is why are we focused 144 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:36,080 Speaker 1: on things we can't control? And the other one is 145 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:39,400 Speaker 1: sort of like why are we distracted? And they're interconnected. 146 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:43,720 Speaker 1: So let's just address the issue of control. Every human 147 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:47,600 Speaker 1: being has a hard wired need to be in control 148 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,720 Speaker 1: of everything because being in control is what makes you 149 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:54,360 Speaker 1: feel safe. So I need to feel in control of 150 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:58,720 Speaker 1: my thoughts, my decisions, my environment, my future. And the 151 00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:02,760 Speaker 1: problem is so do you. But part of the need 152 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:07,400 Speaker 1: for control jay extends beyond me, because if you're doing 153 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:11,440 Speaker 1: something that makes me annoyed or irritated or worried, about you. 154 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:15,240 Speaker 1: Now I'm feeling a little unsafer, worried because of what 155 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:17,000 Speaker 1: you're doing, and so now I'm going to want to 156 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:20,760 Speaker 1: control you so that I feel better. And so it 157 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:25,640 Speaker 1: is a fundamental, hardwired need inside every human being you know, 158 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:30,280 Speaker 1: to be in control of yourself. And yet the second 159 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:33,400 Speaker 1: we step across the line and we try to control 160 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,800 Speaker 1: someone else, whether it's I think you should be healthier, 161 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:38,079 Speaker 1: I think you should be more motivated. I wish you 162 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:41,560 Speaker 1: wouldn't like leave the kleenexes when you're blowing your nose 163 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:43,559 Speaker 1: on the whatever it is that you wish someone else 164 00:08:43,559 --> 00:08:45,920 Speaker 1: would do. I wish my boss wouldn't talk in every 165 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,200 Speaker 1: meeting and would give a chance for us to talk. 166 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:51,920 Speaker 1: All of that desire for someone else to change. Is 167 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:56,160 Speaker 1: you attempting to control the uncontrollable. And so I think 168 00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:58,520 Speaker 1: one of the reasons why we do this is because 169 00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:01,920 Speaker 1: we're hardwired to do it. And the problem becomes that 170 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,520 Speaker 1: the second I try to control you, Jay, it's not 171 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:06,120 Speaker 1: going to motivate you to do what I want you 172 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:08,600 Speaker 1: to do. It's going to bump up against your need 173 00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:10,920 Speaker 1: for your own control. So you're going to push back 174 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:14,520 Speaker 1: against me absolutely, And so you also asked about distraction. 175 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:18,200 Speaker 1: I think the reason why we're so distracted is because 176 00:09:18,679 --> 00:09:21,240 Speaker 1: if you spend so much time and energy allowing the 177 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:24,400 Speaker 1: world around you to stress you out and drain your energy, 178 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:29,839 Speaker 1: you are now susceptible to being hijacked by meaningless things 179 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:32,679 Speaker 1: that are not important to you. And this is one 180 00:09:32,679 --> 00:09:35,199 Speaker 1: of the biggest discoveries that I've made about using the 181 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:38,200 Speaker 1: let them theory and researching it has spread around the world, 182 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,600 Speaker 1: is that the single biggest benefit is that you get 183 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:44,240 Speaker 1: time and energy back. You have no idea right now 184 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:48,080 Speaker 1: how much time and energy is being wasted or drained 185 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:52,080 Speaker 1: because of other people's behavior or your expectations about how 186 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:55,360 Speaker 1: you wish things would go. And once you start noticing 187 00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:58,760 Speaker 1: all of these little moments all day long, it's like 188 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,360 Speaker 1: a death by a thousand cus. Do you want to 189 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:01,640 Speaker 1: know why you're too tired? You want to know why 190 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,520 Speaker 1: you're overwhelmed, You want to know why you're stressed out, 191 00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:05,600 Speaker 1: you want to know why you have no time for yourself. 192 00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:08,800 Speaker 1: It's because of the power you give to other people's opinions, 193 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:12,760 Speaker 1: their emotions, their immature behavior. It's the ways in which 194 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:16,080 Speaker 1: you are turning people into a problem in your life. 195 00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:19,160 Speaker 1: And here's the sad fact. The sad fact is other 196 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:25,640 Speaker 1: people should be the greatest source of happiness and connection 197 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:31,600 Speaker 1: and inspiration. But if you don't truly learn this skill 198 00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:34,760 Speaker 1: that we're going to talk about today of focusing on 199 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:39,760 Speaker 1: what you can control and letting people be who they are, 200 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,840 Speaker 1: letting things play out as they're playing out, and then 201 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:47,439 Speaker 1: bringing the power back in house, and really focusing on 202 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:50,800 Speaker 1: how you responded. If you embrace this skill, you're going 203 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,200 Speaker 1: to be shocked. You're going to be shocked by how 204 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,439 Speaker 1: much time you've wasted, I'm not kidding. Yeah, And you're 205 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:59,080 Speaker 1: going to be shocked jay by the fact that you've 206 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:06,559 Speaker 1: allowed stupid things and people's drama to drain you. And 207 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:10,120 Speaker 1: that's why I also think we're so susceptible to distraction 208 00:11:10,679 --> 00:11:14,400 Speaker 1: because we've given so much power away all day long. 209 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:16,600 Speaker 1: Because here's the truth. I'll give you an example when 210 00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:18,839 Speaker 1: I first discovered this and I started playing around with it. 211 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,400 Speaker 1: The very first way that I used it after I 212 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,400 Speaker 1: discovered it was I was standing in line and we've 213 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:27,040 Speaker 1: all been at the grocery store when it's like six 214 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:30,760 Speaker 1: people deep and there's one person working, and it's like, beep, beep, 215 00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:36,200 Speaker 1: beep and you start feeling that wave right and immediately 216 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:39,920 Speaker 1: the wave of stress takes over because you're now irritated 217 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:44,560 Speaker 1: by what's happening. And what just happens when you start 218 00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:48,040 Speaker 1: reacting to that and you allow that stress wave to 219 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:51,559 Speaker 1: start to take over, is that you're giving power to 220 00:11:51,679 --> 00:11:55,640 Speaker 1: something outside of you. Now, I can't control what's happening 221 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:59,319 Speaker 1: right now, so why on earth would I allow it 222 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,600 Speaker 1: to brain my energy? Because as it comes up, Jay, 223 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,000 Speaker 1: what do I then do? I then start talking to myself, Well, 224 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:07,439 Speaker 1: this is ridiculous. Why have they not done an announcement 225 00:12:07,559 --> 00:12:09,839 Speaker 1: like I gotta get going here? Why are they not 226 00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:13,079 Speaker 1: bringing another Now I'm starting to believe, Jay, that I 227 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,440 Speaker 1: can run a supermarket better than the people that are 228 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:17,280 Speaker 1: running it. And then you, of course turn to the 229 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,480 Speaker 1: person behind you and your role, like can you believe this? 230 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:24,960 Speaker 1: And now this is the interesting part that I really 231 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:28,440 Speaker 1: want everybody. I really want the person listening to embrace. 232 00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:35,160 Speaker 1: In that moment, you just gave away your energy and 233 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:40,040 Speaker 1: you have a choice. When you say let them, you 234 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:44,120 Speaker 1: instantly feel a release and then you say, let me 235 00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:46,880 Speaker 1: decide what I'm gonna do right now? Am I going 236 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,920 Speaker 1: to I can leave the store. That's one thing I 237 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:53,000 Speaker 1: can do. I could stand here and practice being present. 238 00:12:53,679 --> 00:12:56,120 Speaker 1: It's another thing I could do. I could because I 239 00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:57,400 Speaker 1: don't have time at the end of the day and 240 00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,480 Speaker 1: I'm always tired and I'm complaining that I'm lonely. I 241 00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,319 Speaker 1: could actually pick up the phone and call my grandmother. 242 00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:05,160 Speaker 1: I could text my friend Jayshetty because I've been thinking 243 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:09,280 Speaker 1: about them. Like, you have so much power, but you're 244 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:11,560 Speaker 1: going to burn through it in that line, and then 245 00:13:11,559 --> 00:13:14,040 Speaker 1: you're going to feel your stress activated, and then you're 246 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:15,640 Speaker 1: going to get in the car and then somebody is 247 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:16,920 Speaker 1: going to pull out in front of you, and then 248 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:19,199 Speaker 1: you're going to like be stressed again. And then you're 249 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:21,120 Speaker 1: going to walk into work and you're going to be 250 00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:24,520 Speaker 1: annoyed in some meeting because of what something somebody said, 251 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:27,120 Speaker 1: and then that's going to hit you again an all 252 00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:31,439 Speaker 1: day long. Because you don't recognize how this stuff is 253 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:35,480 Speaker 1: impacting you. That energy inside your body is slowly draining, 254 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:39,840 Speaker 1: and this is why you're exhausted, and so simply starting 255 00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:42,040 Speaker 1: to use it, whether it's at work or it's just 256 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:45,839 Speaker 1: in your daily life, to say, let them when you 257 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,600 Speaker 1: notice that somebody else is irritating you or your sister 258 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:51,800 Speaker 1: you know, is doing that annoying thing. Just letter, yeah, 259 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:52,319 Speaker 1: let her. 260 00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:54,600 Speaker 2: Be the example. That example was great, and I love 261 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:58,520 Speaker 2: how you explain that difference between just how much you 262 00:13:58,679 --> 00:14:03,920 Speaker 2: notice how your whole life gets immersed in this tiny 263 00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:06,800 Speaker 2: thing where you now talk about it. I've thought about it. 264 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,120 Speaker 2: If you were late somewhere, you're getting somewhere with some 265 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:12,880 Speaker 2: struggle in trouble, and you had a bad journey getting somewhere, 266 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:15,960 Speaker 2: you'll talk about it to everyone. You'll be like, oh, yeah, 267 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,160 Speaker 2: this person cut us off in traffic, and then there 268 00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,880 Speaker 2: was this new driver that was figuring ou how to learn, 269 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:23,000 Speaker 2: and then the cops were around. If you had the 270 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:26,200 Speaker 2: best journey, easiest journey here you describe it in one sentence, right, 271 00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:28,160 Speaker 2: and we just get so absorbed. And so I love 272 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,240 Speaker 2: that example. I want to paint in another scenario for 273 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:32,720 Speaker 2: people to really understand the system. Let's say you have 274 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:36,680 Speaker 2: a partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, maybe you're married to them, and 275 00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:40,880 Speaker 2: this person always turns up from work a little bit late. 276 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,760 Speaker 2: They don't wash the dishes. You wake up in the morning, 277 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:47,520 Speaker 2: the dishes are always still out there. There's a sense 278 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:50,560 Speaker 2: that you've told them this urged you a million times? 279 00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:53,280 Speaker 1: Did my husband ask you to ask me this question, Jake. 280 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:55,840 Speaker 2: He's amazing. 281 00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:59,520 Speaker 1: Chris has your number, Chris. 282 00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,840 Speaker 2: Yeah. And so I'm mean, I'm speaking from so much, 283 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:05,840 Speaker 2: not direct personal experience, but personal ext winds in so 284 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:06,280 Speaker 2: many ways. 285 00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:10,360 Speaker 1: And you're saying this person's not changing. They haven't changed, 286 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:14,000 Speaker 1: because it's the fundamental role everybody. Number one, You cannot 287 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,600 Speaker 1: change another human being. It is impossible for you to 288 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:20,560 Speaker 1: change somebody else. Now, you can influence them, but you 289 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:24,200 Speaker 1: cannot change them. People only change if they feel like 290 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:28,880 Speaker 1: it and if they can. And wanting and wishing is 291 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:31,840 Speaker 1: a wonderful thing. Wanting and wishing somebody to be cleaner 292 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,680 Speaker 1: and to pick up after themselves, Wanting your kids to 293 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:37,560 Speaker 1: be more motivated, Wanting the people that you love to 294 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,760 Speaker 1: take better care of themselves and to be healthier, to 295 00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:43,080 Speaker 1: date somebody that is normal and healthy instead of the 296 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:46,280 Speaker 1: losers that treat them like crap. That's a beautiful thing 297 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,760 Speaker 1: for you to want for other people, and you deserve 298 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:52,320 Speaker 1: to do that, and you should do that. Wanting people 299 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:56,480 Speaker 1: to change is not the problem. Wanting bigger possibilities for 300 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:58,720 Speaker 1: people is not the problem. How we go about it is, 301 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:01,560 Speaker 1: And so in this scenario that you're talking about is 302 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:06,760 Speaker 1: a beautiful example because you have to say let them. 303 00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:09,720 Speaker 1: You see the dishes in the sink. It makes you 304 00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:13,320 Speaker 1: upset because you feel disrespected and that it's annoying, and 305 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,480 Speaker 1: you have higher standards for cleanliness, which means you're probably 306 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:18,120 Speaker 1: just going to do them anyway, and then you're going 307 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:21,160 Speaker 1: to feel like you're really taking whatever for granted. But 308 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:23,920 Speaker 1: you have to say let them. And one of the 309 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:28,920 Speaker 1: reasons why is because number one, if this is a 310 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:33,400 Speaker 1: long term, committed partnership, learning how to love somebody as 311 00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:37,800 Speaker 1: they are is a form of love that is deeply important. 312 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:43,240 Speaker 1: And if you can't say let them in that moment, 313 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:47,000 Speaker 1: you are going to get frustrated and angry, and then 314 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,080 Speaker 1: you are going to come to the next part of 315 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:53,200 Speaker 1: the let them theory with tremendous intensity and judgment and 316 00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:56,280 Speaker 1: that's not going to motivate change. What it does when 317 00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,960 Speaker 1: you judge somebody or you push against them, is it 318 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:03,360 Speaker 1: actually creates it's resistance to change. So you have to 319 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:06,720 Speaker 1: say let them because it allows you to detach from 320 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:10,359 Speaker 1: your emotions and detach from judgment. Right, it is what 321 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:13,200 Speaker 1: it is. I see what's happened I'm accepting the reality 322 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:13,359 Speaker 1: of this. 323 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:14,000 Speaker 2: Let them. 324 00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:17,080 Speaker 1: Then you come to the let me part. Is this 325 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:20,399 Speaker 1: something that bothers you? And if it is, remember you 326 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:22,879 Speaker 1: got three things. I can choose what I want to 327 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,160 Speaker 1: think about this, and so you could think a good thought. 328 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,840 Speaker 1: You could think, okay, good intention. They were probably super 329 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,840 Speaker 1: busy this morning and they meant to do it later. 330 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,359 Speaker 1: Let them Okay, I'm going to choose to believe that. 331 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:36,520 Speaker 1: You could also then remind yourself. Let me remind myself 332 00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:39,080 Speaker 1: there's something I can do about this, right, And if 333 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,040 Speaker 1: it's really important, what you need to do about this 334 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,359 Speaker 1: is have a conversation. And by the way, Chris has 335 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,280 Speaker 1: had this conversation with me a bazillion times. So if 336 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:50,080 Speaker 1: you walk into our bathroom, Chris's bathroom probably looks like 337 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:52,600 Speaker 1: your side of the sink, which is it's like a 338 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:56,359 Speaker 1: zen seven star hotel Jay like, there's not a speck 339 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:59,080 Speaker 1: on that man's like basin or whatever you call it. 340 00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:02,920 Speaker 1: You you look at mine, it looks like somebody tipped 341 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:06,119 Speaker 1: over a Walgreens aisle on top of that thing. And 342 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,920 Speaker 1: it drives Chris crazy. But what particularly drives them crazy 343 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:12,439 Speaker 1: is when something migrates from my side to his side right. 344 00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,480 Speaker 1: And so he's asked me. He's asked me to please 345 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,560 Speaker 1: keep my stuff over there. He has asked me to 346 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:19,520 Speaker 1: please flatten cardboard boxes when they come in, don't please pack, 347 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:22,080 Speaker 1: don't unpack them, and then stack them by the garage door, 348 00:18:22,359 --> 00:18:24,680 Speaker 1: as if I'm supposed to do it. And he's asked 349 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,040 Speaker 1: me and asked me and ask me, and then I 350 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:29,720 Speaker 1: forget well, he finally sat me down, Jay, And this 351 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,119 Speaker 1: is to let me part. You have to take responsibility 352 00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:36,119 Speaker 1: for explaining to somebody what you need and the reason 353 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:39,920 Speaker 1: why this is important to you. Because when Chris said 354 00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:43,560 Speaker 1: to me, I know you don't intend this, but this 355 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:47,240 Speaker 1: is the impact Mal When I see the cardboard boxes stacked, 356 00:18:47,359 --> 00:18:50,280 Speaker 1: or I see your hair brush in fifteen products of 357 00:18:50,359 --> 00:18:55,879 Speaker 1: yours on my countertop, it actually makes me feel like 358 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:58,800 Speaker 1: you think I'm the maid and we don't even have 359 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:02,040 Speaker 1: a maid. Like it's just like it makes me feel 360 00:19:02,359 --> 00:19:05,840 Speaker 1: like you think it's my job to clean up after you, 361 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,639 Speaker 1: and that doesn't make me feel loved. Now, when he 362 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,280 Speaker 1: took the time, in a very calm way, to drop 363 00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:16,880 Speaker 1: into his values and communicate what he needed, something interesting 364 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:20,160 Speaker 1: happens if you're in a committed, loving partnership and you're 365 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,840 Speaker 1: with somebody who wants to do better and cares about you, 366 00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:29,160 Speaker 1: it taps into their intrinsic motivation to build new skills. 367 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:34,399 Speaker 1: If you have that kind of conversation with somebody and 368 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:37,280 Speaker 1: you explain how their behavior impacts you, whether it's their 369 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:41,040 Speaker 1: drinking or it's the tone of their voice, or it's 370 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:43,120 Speaker 1: the fact that they leave their stuff everywhere, or it's 371 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,840 Speaker 1: that they insist that you spend every holiday with their 372 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:48,159 Speaker 1: family and they have no interest in your whatever. The 373 00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:51,040 Speaker 1: issue is, if you sit somebody down and you take responsibility, 374 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:53,720 Speaker 1: you've let them be and you've let them shown you 375 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:56,400 Speaker 1: who they are, and then you say, let me sit 376 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:58,520 Speaker 1: down and talk about this and take responsibility. I have 377 00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:01,280 Speaker 1: the ability to respond to this a mature adult, and 378 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,080 Speaker 1: you actually express what you need and why, and that 379 00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:09,120 Speaker 1: person doesn't try. You have to let them. And here's why. 380 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:15,159 Speaker 1: Their behavior is telling you the truth. Their behavior is 381 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:18,479 Speaker 1: telling you what they care about and what their priorities are. 382 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:22,560 Speaker 1: And if their behavior is telling you that your needs 383 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:26,560 Speaker 1: are not a priority, you have to let them reveal 384 00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:31,160 Speaker 1: that because yes, because then you're going to come back 385 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:35,280 Speaker 1: to the second part, which is let me ask myself, 386 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:41,840 Speaker 1: is this kind of behavior from somebody what I deserve? 387 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:47,720 Speaker 1: Is this what I'm willing to accept in somebody? Because again, 388 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:49,720 Speaker 1: what do we also know? People only change when they 389 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:53,159 Speaker 1: want to or they can. And you might be in 390 00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:56,840 Speaker 1: a situation where somebody would really love to change, but 391 00:20:58,119 --> 00:21:02,200 Speaker 1: they can't because they're dealing with some challenge right now, 392 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:07,080 Speaker 1: or they don't have the skill yet. And you may decide, 393 00:21:07,119 --> 00:21:10,399 Speaker 1: if that's the case, to still love and accept the person. 394 00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:14,720 Speaker 1: But there may be times where you have had the 395 00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:18,320 Speaker 1: conversation and it is very clear they're capable of it, 396 00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:21,560 Speaker 1: they just won't do it. And what I find in 397 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:25,639 Speaker 1: relationships where that sort of invisible distance and the frustration 398 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:29,879 Speaker 1: and the resentment comes up is twofold number one. You 399 00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:32,680 Speaker 1: can't detach from your emotions and say let them and 400 00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:35,480 Speaker 1: really fully just let the person be who they are, 401 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,800 Speaker 1: and you don't do the part let me where you 402 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:41,760 Speaker 1: actually take responsibility for expressing in a mature way what 403 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:44,800 Speaker 1: you need and how their behavior impacts you. And so 404 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:46,639 Speaker 1: if you don't ever express what you need and how 405 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:49,760 Speaker 1: it's impacting you, you're not actually giving somebody the opportunity 406 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:52,600 Speaker 1: to build a skill or to change or to love 407 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,320 Speaker 1: you the way that you need them to love you 408 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,399 Speaker 1: so that you feel loved. The second mistake that I 409 00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:03,720 Speaker 1: see constantly is that you make the ask and then 410 00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:07,920 Speaker 1: the person doesn't do it, and then you start making 411 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:13,560 Speaker 1: excuses and resentment builds, and you stay in something seeing 412 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,800 Speaker 1: exactly who someone is wishing they would change, living up 413 00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,320 Speaker 1: here in your mind about the fantasy of what you wish. 414 00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:23,840 Speaker 1: This was refusing to accept the reality of what it 415 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:24,440 Speaker 1: actually is. 416 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:28,080 Speaker 2: Hey everyone, it's Jay Schetty and I'm thrilled to announce 417 00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:32,000 Speaker 2: my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can 418 00:22:32,119 --> 00:22:36,000 Speaker 2: see my on Purpose podcast live and in person. Join 419 00:22:36,119 --> 00:22:39,960 Speaker 2: me in a city near you for meaningful, insightful conversations 420 00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:44,520 Speaker 2: with surprise guests. It could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, 421 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:48,680 Speaker 2: or a CEO or business leader. We'll dive into experiences 422 00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:53,159 Speaker 2: designed to inspire growth, spark learning, and build real connections. 423 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:56,040 Speaker 2: I can't wait to see you there. Tickets are on 424 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:59,920 Speaker 2: cell now. Head to Jayshetty dot me and get yours today. 425 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:04,040 Speaker 2: You've just unlocked a whole new meaning of let them 426 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:06,919 Speaker 2: for me. How so I've always understood let them when 427 00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:08,600 Speaker 2: I've heard you speak about it, when I read the book, 428 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,440 Speaker 2: this idea of let them be who they are, let 429 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:13,640 Speaker 2: them act the way they want to act, let them 430 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:15,639 Speaker 2: say and do whatever they want to do. I have 431 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:18,080 Speaker 2: to let them. I have to keep that distance. What 432 00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:20,840 Speaker 2: you just unlocked for me, which I really want to, 433 00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:23,280 Speaker 2: you know, everyone to grapple with because I think it's 434 00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:26,720 Speaker 2: so powerful. Is this idea of let them also show 435 00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:29,359 Speaker 2: you who they are? Yes, And if they're showing you 436 00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:33,560 Speaker 2: who they are, let them be that person. Don't make 437 00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:35,760 Speaker 2: them the person you imagine them to be the one 438 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:37,840 Speaker 2: you want them to be the one that you're wishing 439 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:40,119 Speaker 2: and waiting and hoping for them to be. They are 440 00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:43,160 Speaker 2: that person. Yes, let them be that is Oh my gosh, 441 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:46,280 Speaker 2: my mind is literally blown because that is so powerful. 442 00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:49,640 Speaker 1: But you still have power. Jay, Here's the most important thing, everybody, 443 00:23:50,359 --> 00:23:52,639 Speaker 1: This is the most important thing. This is the epiphany 444 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:57,040 Speaker 1: that I had too. Like, holy cow, I still get 445 00:23:57,080 --> 00:24:00,879 Speaker 1: to choose. I still get to choose use. I get 446 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:02,879 Speaker 1: to choose how much time and energy I pour into this, 447 00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:07,080 Speaker 1: whether it's this issue, or it's this topic, or it's 448 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:12,320 Speaker 1: this person. And here's how you know, if you can 449 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:17,159 Speaker 1: actually love somebody for who they are and who they're not. 450 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:21,440 Speaker 1: Can you end your complaining and bitching about it? Because 451 00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:23,600 Speaker 1: if you can't do that, then this is something you're 452 00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:26,040 Speaker 1: holding on too, and you're holding over the other person. 453 00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:29,119 Speaker 1: And if they're never going to change, you now have 454 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,879 Speaker 1: a problem because the only thing that's going to make 455 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:37,159 Speaker 1: the relationship better is either them hearing you and caring 456 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:42,399 Speaker 1: enough and being able to adjust, or you being the 457 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:46,040 Speaker 1: one to adjust, because it's your complaining about it that 458 00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:49,119 Speaker 1: is creating the friction and the resentment. And this is 459 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:52,200 Speaker 1: not only with romantic relationships, Like when I think about 460 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:57,600 Speaker 1: the broader applications of this for family, there are very 461 00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:01,159 Speaker 1: challenging people in my extended family. It's like everybody's family, right, 462 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:04,119 Speaker 1: and so there's always one person in your life that 463 00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:06,720 Speaker 1: you wish there just wasn't drama with you, wish they 464 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:10,159 Speaker 1: didn't have a challenging demeanor or personality. The let them 465 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:16,399 Speaker 1: theory has fundamentally profoundly changed my relationship also with people 466 00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:21,480 Speaker 1: that have been difficult because when I say let them, like, 467 00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:24,120 Speaker 1: let's say you're talking you, we're talking about somebody who's 468 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:27,160 Speaker 1: very narcissistic or dramatic or victim or they it's always 469 00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,879 Speaker 1: about them and very draining person to be around. Well, 470 00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:32,280 Speaker 1: part of the reason why they're draining is because you 471 00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:37,240 Speaker 1: brace and you get ready for it, and you allow 472 00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:40,600 Speaker 1: their energy to impact you. And I always find it funny, 473 00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:45,280 Speaker 1: Jay that, especially in families and at work, we allow 474 00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:49,000 Speaker 1: the most challenging person to have the biggest impact on 475 00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:52,120 Speaker 1: the whole system. So if you have one person that's 476 00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:56,679 Speaker 1: narcissistic in their personality style, or that is very very 477 00:25:56,800 --> 00:26:00,479 Speaker 1: dramatic and immature in their personality style, they're one. If 478 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:02,760 Speaker 1: you imagine a spider web, right, I think about a 479 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,359 Speaker 1: system of relationships like a spider web, and you're out 480 00:26:05,359 --> 00:26:07,399 Speaker 1: in the morning, the do's on it when you have 481 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:10,080 Speaker 1: a challenging person, because we all tiptoe around this person, 482 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:13,320 Speaker 1: that person's energy is like tap tap tap and shakes 483 00:26:13,359 --> 00:26:15,880 Speaker 1: all the do off. I believe the opposite is true, 484 00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:19,080 Speaker 1: especially after learning to let them theory, because there's been 485 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:22,159 Speaker 1: people in my life, both in work life and in 486 00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:25,480 Speaker 1: my family life where when that person's around, I literally 487 00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:29,120 Speaker 1: shrink to eight years old. I'm dancing around their mood. 488 00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,800 Speaker 1: We all have had an experience like this. Maybe you're 489 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,040 Speaker 1: thinking about a boss, or your mother, or your father 490 00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:36,840 Speaker 1: in law, or a brother or whomever, an adult child. 491 00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:42,920 Speaker 1: Right when I walk into these situations now and I say, 492 00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:47,679 Speaker 1: let them, let them be who they are. Why am 493 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:51,000 Speaker 1: I making it my job to manage your mood? Why 494 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:56,040 Speaker 1: am I pouring time and energy into this drama? Let 495 00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:59,879 Speaker 1: me manage my energy. Let me remind myself. I can 496 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:03,360 Speaker 1: remove myself from any dinner table, any family text chain. 497 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:06,760 Speaker 1: I can remove myself from an interview, a date, a conversation, 498 00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:11,359 Speaker 1: a relationship anytime I want. And I believe Jay that 499 00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:16,480 Speaker 1: the person that is the most peaceful and centered and powerful, 500 00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:20,879 Speaker 1: because you understand the power of your energy and your 501 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:24,119 Speaker 1: thoughts and your actions, you actually have more power in 502 00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:27,720 Speaker 1: any family system and any office building, in any room 503 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:30,440 Speaker 1: anywhere than the most challenging person. 504 00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:33,040 Speaker 2: I can agree more. I couldn't agree more. I love that. 505 00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:36,239 Speaker 2: And I feel like when you start looking at your 506 00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:39,600 Speaker 2: energy and time, if you thought about it like money, 507 00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:43,240 Speaker 2: and this idea that imagine for every thought you had 508 00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:45,960 Speaker 2: about that person, you had to pay them a dollar, 509 00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:48,520 Speaker 2: and you think about how many dollars If you now 510 00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:51,040 Speaker 2: started account the amount of thoughts you having about that person, 511 00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:53,840 Speaker 2: about that situation, about what they said, about what they 512 00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:55,720 Speaker 2: said to so and so, what they thought about you, 513 00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:57,800 Speaker 2: and you had to pay a dollar for every thought 514 00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:00,840 Speaker 2: you had about them. That's how much energy and money 515 00:28:01,359 --> 00:28:04,480 Speaker 2: is being wasted. Yes, and we're not realizing where else 516 00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:07,520 Speaker 2: it could be invested put in. But I think you 517 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:10,119 Speaker 2: hit the nail on the head there. The reason is 518 00:28:10,760 --> 00:28:15,280 Speaker 2: we feel so attached that we don't feel we can 519 00:28:15,359 --> 00:28:20,120 Speaker 2: actually leave. As tik Nahn would say, we would rather 520 00:28:20,359 --> 00:28:23,920 Speaker 2: live in the familiar pain, right than the unfamiliar pain. 521 00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:26,240 Speaker 2: At least we know what we're going to get with 522 00:28:26,359 --> 00:28:28,640 Speaker 2: this person, and there's a part of us that gets 523 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:30,399 Speaker 2: attached to that, even subconsciously. 524 00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:34,600 Speaker 1: Well, here's the thing, though, Jay, because I think it's 525 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:37,680 Speaker 1: a really important point that you're bringing up. But here's 526 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:40,480 Speaker 1: what I think you're going to discover. I think you're 527 00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:46,200 Speaker 1: only attached to it because you don't value your time 528 00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:46,880 Speaker 1: and energy. 529 00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:47,840 Speaker 2: For sure. 530 00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:52,960 Speaker 1: You're only attached to it because you've never experienced anything else. 531 00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:57,320 Speaker 1: And the reason why you're used to it is because 532 00:28:57,560 --> 00:29:03,080 Speaker 1: in the relationship dynamic, you're up in your head usually 533 00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:08,080 Speaker 1: in a relationship, explaining a way behavior instead of actually 534 00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:12,640 Speaker 1: seeing it with clear eyes and detaching from it. And 535 00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:14,600 Speaker 1: that's the other reason. And I know you knew this 536 00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:18,120 Speaker 1: instantly that the let them theory and saying let them 537 00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:20,400 Speaker 1: and let me. One of the reasons why it's so 538 00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:23,280 Speaker 1: powerful and I'm so excited is I feel literally like 539 00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:28,479 Speaker 1: I am surrounded by ancestors because this is a modern 540 00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:35,840 Speaker 1: application of ancient philosophy spiritual guidance, stoicism, detachment theory that 541 00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:40,600 Speaker 1: you can then apply in any moment, in any relationship. 542 00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:44,000 Speaker 1: And what I also love about this jay is that 543 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:50,720 Speaker 1: I think it allows you to truly see people, perhaps 544 00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:54,920 Speaker 1: for the first time, and to give them the space 545 00:29:55,600 --> 00:30:00,160 Speaker 1: to be who they are. And from that space, it's 546 00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:03,880 Speaker 1: amazing is you can let people. For example, a lot 547 00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:08,440 Speaker 1: of us are very triggered and motivated when somebody's disappointed 548 00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:11,320 Speaker 1: or when some or we think that somebody is gonna, like, 549 00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:14,360 Speaker 1: you know, really be let down by us. And I 550 00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:17,000 Speaker 1: had this huge breakthrough because I used to feel really 551 00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:19,760 Speaker 1: guilty either by how much I work or the fact 552 00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:22,280 Speaker 1: that Chris and I raised our kids on the East 553 00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:24,400 Speaker 1: Coast and my parents are in the Midwest. And you know, 554 00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:26,920 Speaker 1: I love my parents and I wish we all live together. 555 00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:28,400 Speaker 1: But here's the thing. They're not moving to me, and 556 00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:30,360 Speaker 1: I'm not moving to them. We got to let them right, 557 00:30:31,200 --> 00:30:32,960 Speaker 1: But there's a lot of emotion about it. And I 558 00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:34,800 Speaker 1: know your family's all over the place too, so you 559 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:37,320 Speaker 1: know you're not like I'm not saying anything because my 560 00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:41,160 Speaker 1: family listens to this s mouth. So so here's the thing. 561 00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:45,120 Speaker 1: If I don't go home with my family for the holidays, 562 00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:51,959 Speaker 1: my parents are disappointed. Let them be disappointed. I mean, 563 00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:57,520 Speaker 1: isn't that a beautiful thing that they're disappointed. Don't you 564 00:30:57,640 --> 00:31:01,280 Speaker 1: want somebody to be disappointed that you're not coming? 565 00:31:02,280 --> 00:31:05,280 Speaker 2: That really messes with people's minds, right, Yeah. 566 00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:08,320 Speaker 1: Like whether you can't make it to a business engagement, 567 00:31:08,960 --> 00:31:11,800 Speaker 1: or you can't make it to a birthday party, or 568 00:31:12,040 --> 00:31:15,960 Speaker 1: you can't make it this year home. I mean, what's 569 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:18,120 Speaker 1: the alternative that they're like, thank God Jay's not coming, 570 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:22,400 Speaker 1: I can't stand him. No, seriously, like, really wrap your 571 00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:26,000 Speaker 1: brain around this. And so when you say let them 572 00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:29,760 Speaker 1: be disappointed, something beautiful happens. You actually honor their experience 573 00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:32,640 Speaker 1: of being human, you allow them to be adults. Yes, 574 00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:36,880 Speaker 1: that is a sign that emotion that things are really 575 00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:39,960 Speaker 1: good in your relationships. But then you say let me, 576 00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:43,800 Speaker 1: and the old me would twist myself in knots and 577 00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:45,520 Speaker 1: then I would make myself feel bad, and then I 578 00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:47,640 Speaker 1: would question what I was doing, and then I'd bend 579 00:31:47,680 --> 00:31:49,360 Speaker 1: over backwards to try to be there and try to 580 00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:51,480 Speaker 1: be here. And instead, when I say let me, I 581 00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:54,760 Speaker 1: drop into my values. I deeply value family, and so 582 00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:59,360 Speaker 1: if they're disappointed, that's not the reason I would change plans. 583 00:32:00,720 --> 00:32:02,600 Speaker 1: I have to look at what do I think, what 584 00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:04,120 Speaker 1: do I want to do, and how am I going 585 00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:08,320 Speaker 1: to process my emotions? And so as someone else is disappointed, 586 00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:12,080 Speaker 1: the old me would feel deeply guilty and conflicted. Now 587 00:32:12,120 --> 00:32:16,120 Speaker 1: with the lethn theory, I have space for them to 588 00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:18,400 Speaker 1: be disappointed and for me to feel a little sad. 589 00:32:19,320 --> 00:32:22,240 Speaker 1: But if I change plans, I don't do it for them, 590 00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:25,080 Speaker 1: because if I change plans for them, guess what I 591 00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:26,760 Speaker 1: just did. I made them the villain in my life. 592 00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:30,960 Speaker 1: If I change plans because it makes me feel like 593 00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:33,880 Speaker 1: a good daughter, makes me feel good. Now I take 594 00:32:33,960 --> 00:32:38,800 Speaker 1: responsibility for my life and I am owning my decisions. 595 00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:45,840 Speaker 1: And it's a small nuance, but it's absolutely everything. Everything 596 00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:49,720 Speaker 1: And the other reason why I love this, especially as 597 00:32:49,720 --> 00:32:52,000 Speaker 1: a parent of adult children, and you know there are 598 00:32:52,520 --> 00:32:55,320 Speaker 1: very This is a book about adult relationships, and so 599 00:32:56,440 --> 00:32:58,080 Speaker 1: I make it very clear in the book, and there's 600 00:32:58,120 --> 00:33:01,040 Speaker 1: resources for parents with younger kids and back But one 601 00:33:01,040 --> 00:33:03,200 Speaker 1: of the coolest things about this is that when you 602 00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:07,520 Speaker 1: let someone like have their emotions and you let someone 603 00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:11,000 Speaker 1: struggle while you say, I'm on the sidelines and I'm 604 00:33:11,000 --> 00:33:14,240 Speaker 1: here to support, but I know that the greatest teacher 605 00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:16,800 Speaker 1: in life is life, and I'm not going to shield 606 00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:18,760 Speaker 1: you from the consequences of some of the things that 607 00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:20,760 Speaker 1: you're choosing. You're an adult, so I'm going. 608 00:33:20,720 --> 00:33:21,080 Speaker 2: To let you. 609 00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:25,080 Speaker 1: When you allow someone the space to process emotion and 610 00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:28,720 Speaker 1: the space to face their struggles and the space to 611 00:33:29,080 --> 00:33:31,200 Speaker 1: heal on their own timeline and in their own way, 612 00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:35,680 Speaker 1: you actually communicate that I believe that you can when 613 00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:38,360 Speaker 1: you step in and try to force somebody to be 614 00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:41,600 Speaker 1: more motivated at school or you let's just take that one, 615 00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:46,120 Speaker 1: because there's a lot of people that listen to my show, 616 00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:48,400 Speaker 1: and I'm sure it's the same people that are listening 617 00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:50,920 Speaker 1: to yours that write in are like, I don't know 618 00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:53,520 Speaker 1: how to make this person more motivated. Oh for sure, right, 619 00:33:53,880 --> 00:33:55,600 Speaker 1: And so here's what I want you to understand. And 620 00:33:55,680 --> 00:33:58,360 Speaker 1: this was another huge breakthrough when I was writing this book. 621 00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:01,200 Speaker 1: You want to know the hardest person, hardest working person 622 00:34:01,240 --> 00:34:05,160 Speaker 1: in a classroom, Jay, it's the kid who's struggling. It's 623 00:34:05,200 --> 00:34:07,920 Speaker 1: not the people that are getting straight a's. It's the 624 00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:10,800 Speaker 1: person who's having a really hard time. Wow, do you 625 00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:13,319 Speaker 1: want to know the hardest person that's working on their health? 626 00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:18,560 Speaker 1: It's actually the person that's unhealthy because they know that 627 00:34:18,719 --> 00:34:22,040 Speaker 1: they want to be healthier, and so they are not stuck. 628 00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:26,480 Speaker 1: They're in deep conflict actively within themselves. And so if 629 00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:29,760 Speaker 1: somebody is already aware that there is a gap between 630 00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:33,800 Speaker 1: their potential and how they're performing, that there is a 631 00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:38,880 Speaker 1: gap between god given right to thrive and be happy 632 00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:41,640 Speaker 1: and be connected and what their life actually feels like, 633 00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:46,160 Speaker 1: they know it. And then you come in and try 634 00:34:46,200 --> 00:34:48,880 Speaker 1: to impose your will or your good ideas. Oh, thanks 635 00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:52,759 Speaker 1: a lot. So I never thought that if I wanted 636 00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:55,279 Speaker 1: to get good grades, I needed to study and not 637 00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:58,600 Speaker 1: play video games. Thank you Einstein. Oh I should go 638 00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:00,279 Speaker 1: to the gym if I want to lose some way. 639 00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:03,880 Speaker 1: Never thought of that. So you come in and you 640 00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:07,560 Speaker 1: have judgment and assumptions. What is it that's more pressure 641 00:35:08,360 --> 00:35:12,160 Speaker 1: on top of somebody who is actually already deeply conflicted 642 00:35:12,280 --> 00:35:16,480 Speaker 1: with themselves? Yeah, and so if you really embrace this 643 00:35:17,719 --> 00:35:20,200 Speaker 1: and you understand that people change when they feel like 644 00:35:20,280 --> 00:35:24,080 Speaker 1: it and when they can. And if somebody's struggling, it's 645 00:35:24,160 --> 00:35:27,000 Speaker 1: because they're not able to. Right now, there's a skill 646 00:35:27,120 --> 00:35:29,960 Speaker 1: that's missing, and one of the biggest things that's typically 647 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:33,760 Speaker 1: missing is the belief that any of the small actions 648 00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:37,360 Speaker 1: will actually do anything anyway. Yeah, and so you coming 649 00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:39,520 Speaker 1: in and imposing it, you know what that says. It 650 00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:41,480 Speaker 1: actually says I don't believe you can do this. 651 00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:43,920 Speaker 2: I'll do it for you. Yes, I can do it 652 00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:48,480 Speaker 2: for you for you, Yeah, absolutely absolutely. I remember me 653 00:35:48,640 --> 00:35:50,520 Speaker 2: and Rady as you got married and we moved to America, 654 00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:53,359 Speaker 2: and RADI will say this herself that at that time 655 00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:55,120 Speaker 2: in her life had parents had made a lot of 656 00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:59,120 Speaker 2: big decisions for her, and she was following decisions that 657 00:35:59,200 --> 00:36:02,560 Speaker 2: they were making or opportunities that they were putting forward, 658 00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:05,120 Speaker 2: and all of that was with good intention. And then 659 00:36:05,160 --> 00:36:07,880 Speaker 2: when we got married, she'd start to ask me for 660 00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:10,759 Speaker 2: my advice or my insight. This would be anything from 661 00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:14,920 Speaker 2: what plates we should buy for our apartment through to 662 00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:16,919 Speaker 2: like what kind of curtains we wanted. Right, We're talking 663 00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:20,359 Speaker 2: about really small everyday things. And I Remember I would 664 00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:23,120 Speaker 2: always say to well, what do you think? And she'd 665 00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:25,480 Speaker 2: always say, no, no, no, you just tell me. And 666 00:36:25,520 --> 00:36:27,080 Speaker 2: I'd be like, no, but what do you think? And 667 00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:29,960 Speaker 2: in the start it would really frustrate her, But now 668 00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:32,759 Speaker 2: she looks back and she goes that question helped her 669 00:36:32,840 --> 00:36:35,840 Speaker 2: so much because it helped her find her own identity, 670 00:36:36,200 --> 00:36:38,759 Speaker 2: her own strength, her own tastes, her own dislikes, and 671 00:36:38,840 --> 00:36:41,680 Speaker 2: now she's a whole human with opinions and it's so 672 00:36:41,800 --> 00:36:44,840 Speaker 2: fascinating to what's that? And it was because I almost 673 00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:49,640 Speaker 2: had this fore visioning, or this thought that even if 674 00:36:49,719 --> 00:36:52,960 Speaker 2: I make my life easier by just telling her my 675 00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:56,480 Speaker 2: tastes and dislikes and likes, it's only going to be 676 00:36:56,520 --> 00:36:58,520 Speaker 2: easy in the short term, because ten years from now, 677 00:36:59,040 --> 00:37:01,120 Speaker 2: she's going to think she'd became the person I wanted 678 00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:03,600 Speaker 2: her to be and never became the person she could 679 00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:06,160 Speaker 2: be right. And I could see that, and so I 680 00:37:06,160 --> 00:37:07,600 Speaker 2: set up and I was like, no, you just tell me. 681 00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:10,320 Speaker 2: Until this day, I always practice something. I think you 682 00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:12,360 Speaker 2: look beautiful, but I want you to wear what you 683 00:37:12,520 --> 00:37:15,239 Speaker 2: want to wear. It shouldn't be about what I think 684 00:37:15,280 --> 00:37:17,840 Speaker 2: you look better in or worse. You know, that shouldn't 685 00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:20,879 Speaker 2: be the case. And it's so interesting how we think 686 00:37:21,120 --> 00:37:26,960 Speaker 2: love is overcaring, but actually overcaring is over enabling that 687 00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:28,799 Speaker 2: person and overwhelming that person. 688 00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:29,880 Speaker 1: Yes, and it's control. 689 00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:30,760 Speaker 2: It's control. 690 00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:35,640 Speaker 1: You're not like if you think about what love really is, 691 00:37:35,760 --> 00:37:39,399 Speaker 1: and for me, love is two things. It's consideration, right, 692 00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:43,640 Speaker 1: It's having someone in mind. If you pour in oat 693 00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:47,960 Speaker 1: milk instead of the cow milk because that's what they like, 694 00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:53,319 Speaker 1: that's an act of love. It's also admiration, and admiration 695 00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:56,120 Speaker 1: is the ability to see something in somebody that you 696 00:37:56,200 --> 00:37:58,920 Speaker 1: deeply admire. I want to go back to something that 697 00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:04,680 Speaker 1: you said though, because it was genius and it had 698 00:38:05,760 --> 00:38:10,319 Speaker 1: me think about the idea of the power of your 699 00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:14,200 Speaker 1: time and energy. And you were talking about imagine if 700 00:38:15,040 --> 00:38:18,880 Speaker 1: like your time and your energy had dollars associated with it, 701 00:38:19,680 --> 00:38:23,360 Speaker 1: because I don't think we value it. And I started 702 00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:26,719 Speaker 1: to think about one of the biggest obstacles because what's 703 00:38:26,840 --> 00:38:29,239 Speaker 1: ultimately happening when you start to use let them and 704 00:38:29,320 --> 00:38:31,000 Speaker 1: let me, is you're going to see that you've turned 705 00:38:31,040 --> 00:38:34,480 Speaker 1: other people into a major problem. And you have turned 706 00:38:34,520 --> 00:38:36,839 Speaker 1: them into a problem in four ways. First of all, 707 00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:38,440 Speaker 1: you allow them to stress you out, but you're not 708 00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:39,880 Speaker 1: going to do that anymore because you're going to let 709 00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:43,440 Speaker 1: them be. But the second way that you've made them 710 00:38:43,440 --> 00:38:46,759 Speaker 1: a major problem in your life is that you give 711 00:38:47,280 --> 00:38:52,480 Speaker 1: so much weight to other people's opinions. And in the 712 00:38:52,560 --> 00:38:56,560 Speaker 1: example you were just talking about what was happening is 713 00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:58,600 Speaker 1: by asking you what do you think. 714 00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:00,560 Speaker 2: Was doing? 715 00:39:00,640 --> 00:39:02,880 Speaker 1: What we all do but most of us do it 716 00:39:02,960 --> 00:39:06,440 Speaker 1: subconsciously and we don't even realize it, which is before 717 00:39:06,520 --> 00:39:10,640 Speaker 1: we even ask ourselves what feels right for us, we 718 00:39:10,880 --> 00:39:14,040 Speaker 1: stop and consider what we think somebody is going to think. 719 00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:16,279 Speaker 1: And you have that like really brilliant thing that I've 720 00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:18,359 Speaker 1: heard you say a bazillion times that I love. It's 721 00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:20,160 Speaker 1: not what you think you think of think And I'm like, wait, well, 722 00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:23,440 Speaker 1: but so I want to play this out because this 723 00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:26,680 Speaker 1: is so important. Was a huge thing for me. If 724 00:39:26,719 --> 00:39:29,799 Speaker 1: you open up your favorite social media platform, we've all 725 00:39:29,840 --> 00:39:32,360 Speaker 1: had the experience where you go and you pick a 726 00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:37,319 Speaker 1: photo and you then put it up and you're like, okay, 727 00:39:37,320 --> 00:39:39,480 Speaker 1: should a a filter on this? And you start to 728 00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:41,279 Speaker 1: then question is this right photo? And then you go 729 00:39:41,320 --> 00:39:42,960 Speaker 1: back to your photo role and then you start working 730 00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:45,080 Speaker 1: on the caption should I put emoji? Is this too much? 731 00:39:45,160 --> 00:39:49,439 Speaker 1: Should I do this? And then you are worried why 732 00:39:50,840 --> 00:39:54,759 Speaker 1: because you're actually thinking about what other people are going 733 00:39:54,880 --> 00:39:57,759 Speaker 1: to think or do in response to what you're posting. Yes, 734 00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:01,920 Speaker 1: which means if you take the value of it right, 735 00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:06,759 Speaker 1: you just overvalued something that you will never be able 736 00:40:06,800 --> 00:40:10,399 Speaker 1: to control ever, ever, ever, ever, and yet you're doing 737 00:40:10,480 --> 00:40:13,640 Speaker 1: it subconsciously. And what typically happens is if you notice 738 00:40:13,680 --> 00:40:18,360 Speaker 1: everybody's got hundreds of draft posts, you know what that is. 739 00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:21,880 Speaker 1: That is a graveyard of energy. You waste it on 740 00:40:22,080 --> 00:40:24,720 Speaker 1: something that you didn't you'll never be able to control 741 00:40:24,800 --> 00:40:28,440 Speaker 1: because the average person has seventy thousand random thoughts a day. 742 00:40:29,040 --> 00:40:30,759 Speaker 1: You can't even control half the crap that goes in 743 00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:33,760 Speaker 1: your own mind. So what makes you think any post 744 00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:37,520 Speaker 1: is going to guarantee that any human being thinks anything? 745 00:40:38,560 --> 00:40:41,480 Speaker 1: And the let them theory revealed to me Jay how 746 00:40:41,640 --> 00:40:47,760 Speaker 1: often I was subconsciously valuing, oh, for sure, someone else 747 00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:50,440 Speaker 1: and that like, are they going to think negative? They 748 00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:51,799 Speaker 1: gonna think this? Are they going to think too much? 749 00:40:51,920 --> 00:40:54,600 Speaker 1: And there's such a simple way to change this. You 750 00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:56,040 Speaker 1: just let them think negative thoughts. 751 00:40:56,600 --> 00:40:56,880 Speaker 2: That's it. 752 00:40:58,239 --> 00:41:01,600 Speaker 1: The next time you catch yourself stopping to consider what 753 00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:05,960 Speaker 1: you're going to post or what your colleagues might react to, 754 00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:08,560 Speaker 1: and that's what's keeping you silent. Say to yourself, let 755 00:41:08,600 --> 00:41:12,120 Speaker 1: them think negative thoughts, because that's what you're actually afraid of. 756 00:41:12,840 --> 00:41:15,360 Speaker 1: And so when you say let them think negative thoughts, 757 00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:20,719 Speaker 1: something wild happens. You accept the reality that no matter 758 00:41:20,840 --> 00:41:23,640 Speaker 1: what you do, it doesn't guarantee that anybody thinks anything. 759 00:41:24,520 --> 00:41:26,719 Speaker 1: And then you say, let me And here's where this 760 00:41:26,840 --> 00:41:30,279 Speaker 1: gets really cool. Let me remind myself I can think 761 00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:32,080 Speaker 1: what I want and I can do what I want. 762 00:41:32,200 --> 00:41:34,440 Speaker 1: And your social media, in particular, as you and I 763 00:41:34,520 --> 00:41:38,560 Speaker 1: both know, it's your self expression. That's what it's there for. 764 00:41:39,840 --> 00:41:44,120 Speaker 1: And if you can't allow yourself to express yourself there, 765 00:41:45,480 --> 00:41:47,960 Speaker 1: then it's going to be everywhere where you at it 766 00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:51,800 Speaker 1: yourself because you're not just letting people think negative thoughts. 767 00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:54,680 Speaker 1: But if you operate in a way now and you 768 00:41:54,800 --> 00:41:56,920 Speaker 1: now take the value, you take the money back. We're 769 00:41:56,960 --> 00:42:00,600 Speaker 1: not going to pay Jay the money for his opinion. 770 00:42:00,880 --> 00:42:02,480 Speaker 1: I'm going to take the money back, and where I'm 771 00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:04,920 Speaker 1: going to put the value is operating in a way 772 00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:07,600 Speaker 1: that makes me feel proud of myself. Because when I 773 00:42:07,960 --> 00:42:10,560 Speaker 1: operate in a way, whether I'm posting something or I'm 774 00:42:10,600 --> 00:42:12,440 Speaker 1: speaking in a meeting, or I'm showing up and not 775 00:42:12,560 --> 00:42:17,239 Speaker 1: responding to my dramatic whatever. I'm proud of myself. And 776 00:42:17,360 --> 00:42:20,360 Speaker 1: when you're proud of yourself, you don't even consider what 777 00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:24,719 Speaker 1: other people are thinking, because you've just anchored all of 778 00:42:24,840 --> 00:42:30,440 Speaker 1: your worth inside of yourself. And that's why this is 779 00:42:30,480 --> 00:42:33,240 Speaker 1: another reason why this is so unbelievably powerful. 780 00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:36,360 Speaker 2: Yeah, and the truth is, no one's thinking about you 781 00:42:36,719 --> 00:42:38,719 Speaker 2: for as long as you think it's true. No one's 782 00:42:38,719 --> 00:42:41,040 Speaker 2: thinking about you for as much as you think. No 783 00:42:41,120 --> 00:42:43,520 Speaker 2: one's thinking about you as much as they even say 784 00:42:43,560 --> 00:42:46,080 Speaker 2: that thinking about you. And we, just like you said, 785 00:42:46,200 --> 00:42:49,440 Speaker 2: we keep draining that energy, consumed by it. You reminded 786 00:42:49,520 --> 00:42:52,759 Speaker 2: me of the beautiful Charles Houghton Cooley quote, and he 787 00:42:52,880 --> 00:42:56,480 Speaker 2: wrote this in eighteen ninety and he said, the challenge 788 00:42:56,520 --> 00:42:59,160 Speaker 2: today is I'm not what I think I am. I'm 789 00:42:59,200 --> 00:43:02,000 Speaker 2: not what you think I am. I am what I 790 00:43:02,160 --> 00:43:05,360 Speaker 2: think you think I am, which means we live in 791 00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:08,160 Speaker 2: a perception of a perception of ourselves. So if I 792 00:43:08,520 --> 00:43:13,440 Speaker 2: think mel thinks I'm not smart, then I don't think 793 00:43:13,480 --> 00:43:16,399 Speaker 2: I'm smart. So it's not even reality, it's not even 794 00:43:16,880 --> 00:43:20,520 Speaker 2: factually proven or checked or tested. By the way everything 795 00:43:20,560 --> 00:43:23,879 Speaker 2: in the let them theory, this book is literally every thought, 796 00:43:24,040 --> 00:43:26,319 Speaker 2: those seventy thousand thoughts, that's what you're addressing in. 797 00:43:26,360 --> 00:43:28,960 Speaker 1: This book gets rid of this fear. 798 00:43:29,080 --> 00:43:31,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, it literally does, because I was talking. I've talked 799 00:43:31,600 --> 00:43:34,080 Speaker 2: to at least three friends this week, and all of 800 00:43:34,200 --> 00:43:38,360 Speaker 2: them are concerned by either heyj I'm thinking about posting 801 00:43:38,360 --> 00:43:40,600 Speaker 2: a video on social media. I'm scared of what people 802 00:43:40,640 --> 00:43:43,680 Speaker 2: will think. So that's for their professional or their passion. Right. 803 00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:46,640 Speaker 2: I've got another friend who's worried that a lot of 804 00:43:46,719 --> 00:43:50,359 Speaker 2: our other friends are talking about him negatively because he's 805 00:43:50,400 --> 00:43:53,120 Speaker 2: recently fallen out with them, Okay, and so he's worried, like, 806 00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:54,839 Speaker 2: what are they saying they're all talking to each other, 807 00:43:54,920 --> 00:43:57,399 Speaker 2: what rumors are they spreading about me? Like, maybe it's 808 00:43:57,440 --> 00:44:01,040 Speaker 2: not true. And the thing that holding onto is they 809 00:44:01,160 --> 00:44:04,960 Speaker 2: just can't let they can't let them, and it's. 810 00:44:04,920 --> 00:44:06,920 Speaker 1: No, but they can ye See, I don't think they 811 00:44:06,960 --> 00:44:09,720 Speaker 1: have the tool. See, here's the thing. If you're worried 812 00:44:09,760 --> 00:44:12,600 Speaker 1: that people are gossiping about you, let them let them 813 00:44:12,640 --> 00:44:15,920 Speaker 1: gossip about you. Here's why you can't control it. 814 00:44:16,160 --> 00:44:17,160 Speaker 2: It's gonna happen anyway. 815 00:44:17,480 --> 00:44:22,000 Speaker 1: Yes, And so if you can't control it, why on 816 00:44:22,160 --> 00:44:27,160 Speaker 1: earth would you allow any time or energy to be wasted. 817 00:44:28,560 --> 00:44:31,960 Speaker 1: It's an act of self torture. So if you are 818 00:44:32,040 --> 00:44:34,319 Speaker 1: worried that people are gossiping about you, first of all, 819 00:44:34,520 --> 00:44:37,840 Speaker 1: let them gossip about you, because they're going to do 820 00:44:38,000 --> 00:44:40,080 Speaker 1: what they're going to do, because you cannot change what 821 00:44:40,160 --> 00:44:42,320 Speaker 1: other people do. You can't control what they think. You 822 00:44:42,400 --> 00:44:44,360 Speaker 1: can't control what they do. If they're going to gossip, 823 00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:47,319 Speaker 1: they're going to gossip. So let them gossip. And when 824 00:44:47,360 --> 00:44:50,560 Speaker 1: you say that, it's a relief because you actually acknowledge 825 00:44:50,600 --> 00:44:52,160 Speaker 1: the thing that you've been afraid of, and it's like 826 00:44:52,200 --> 00:44:54,880 Speaker 1: you're allowing it without allowing it. But then, don't forget 827 00:44:54,960 --> 00:44:55,600 Speaker 1: you have power. 828 00:44:56,800 --> 00:44:57,520 Speaker 2: Let me. 829 00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:01,359 Speaker 1: Remind myself that I get to choose what I think 830 00:45:01,400 --> 00:45:05,120 Speaker 1: about myself. I get to decide what I do and 831 00:45:05,239 --> 00:45:08,520 Speaker 1: what I don't do, whether or not I respond or not, 832 00:45:09,520 --> 00:45:12,800 Speaker 1: and I get to decide who I spend time with. 833 00:45:13,360 --> 00:45:18,160 Speaker 1: And so the bigger question becomes, if you're busy worrying 834 00:45:18,200 --> 00:45:23,120 Speaker 1: about which means you're spending time and energy people who 835 00:45:23,200 --> 00:45:26,440 Speaker 1: are gossiping about you, why would you want to be 836 00:45:26,520 --> 00:45:30,719 Speaker 1: friends with them? And so now you take responsibility for 837 00:45:30,840 --> 00:45:36,120 Speaker 1: your own part in chasing people that aren't treating you 838 00:45:36,239 --> 00:45:39,560 Speaker 1: in a way that you deserve, and you recognize that 839 00:45:39,680 --> 00:45:42,440 Speaker 1: the power here is in just letting people be. And 840 00:45:42,520 --> 00:45:45,760 Speaker 1: when you let people be, your relationships get better because 841 00:45:46,080 --> 00:45:48,680 Speaker 1: people reveal who they are and where you stand. And 842 00:45:48,760 --> 00:45:51,240 Speaker 1: then you get to choose how much time you spend 843 00:45:51,400 --> 00:45:55,880 Speaker 1: or not. And not everybody in your life deserves an explanation, 844 00:45:57,560 --> 00:46:02,040 Speaker 1: they don't deserve a response necessary, and so you also 845 00:46:02,160 --> 00:46:04,960 Speaker 1: get to choose who you tell your story to, or 846 00:46:05,040 --> 00:46:08,600 Speaker 1: who you apologize to, or who how you respond to it. 847 00:46:08,719 --> 00:46:11,399 Speaker 1: And that's where your power is. And I'm not saying 848 00:46:11,440 --> 00:46:15,760 Speaker 1: this makes it easy, because you're probably in a situation 849 00:46:15,960 --> 00:46:18,040 Speaker 1: like that going to have to say let them, let them, 850 00:46:18,520 --> 00:46:20,439 Speaker 1: let them, And then you're gonna see them on social 851 00:46:20,440 --> 00:46:21,640 Speaker 1: media and you're gonna be like, should I black them? 852 00:46:21,680 --> 00:46:22,919 Speaker 1: Should I not block them? Are they going to see 853 00:46:22,920 --> 00:46:24,719 Speaker 1: if I do that? Should I'm not going to let them? 854 00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:27,400 Speaker 1: Let them live their lives, and if I want to 855 00:46:27,480 --> 00:46:30,360 Speaker 1: unfollow them, let me do that because I get to 856 00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:34,080 Speaker 1: choose what comes into my space or not. And when 857 00:46:34,120 --> 00:46:35,960 Speaker 1: you start to really play around with this, because one 858 00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:38,440 Speaker 1: of the big pushbacks that I that I've gotten in 859 00:46:38,560 --> 00:46:40,040 Speaker 1: the research is what Am I just going to be 860 00:46:40,080 --> 00:46:41,719 Speaker 1: a dorm at im. I'll let people abuse me, I'll 861 00:46:41,760 --> 00:46:45,200 Speaker 1: let people. No, Actually it's the opposite, because you're probably 862 00:46:45,280 --> 00:46:49,000 Speaker 1: allowing it right now and then explaining it away. When 863 00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:54,920 Speaker 1: you say let them, you're letting somebody's behavior speak, and 864 00:46:55,040 --> 00:46:57,279 Speaker 1: then you have to bring it back to yourself and say, 865 00:46:58,200 --> 00:47:00,160 Speaker 1: I've got to let them reveal who they are are. 866 00:47:01,239 --> 00:47:04,680 Speaker 1: And if this person keeps gaslighting me or not including me, 867 00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:09,680 Speaker 1: now I've got to ask myself, is this actually the 868 00:47:09,760 --> 00:47:10,640 Speaker 1: relationship for me? 869 00:47:10,960 --> 00:47:14,560 Speaker 2: Well? Do you think we expect too much from people? 870 00:47:14,800 --> 00:47:15,000 Speaker 2: I do. 871 00:47:15,560 --> 00:47:19,480 Speaker 1: I think everybody's really busy and life is very overwhelming, 872 00:47:20,440 --> 00:47:24,120 Speaker 1: and you have no idea what's going on in other 873 00:47:24,160 --> 00:47:27,880 Speaker 1: people's lives. And we've gotten to a point in today's 874 00:47:27,920 --> 00:47:30,840 Speaker 1: world where if I text you, I expect Jay to respond, 875 00:47:31,480 --> 00:47:34,399 Speaker 1: and if Jay doesn't respond, then I make it mean 876 00:47:34,600 --> 00:47:40,440 Speaker 1: something about Jay or me. And I hate that because 877 00:47:40,560 --> 00:47:46,440 Speaker 1: it doesn't give people grace. We're constantly expecting people to 878 00:47:46,560 --> 00:47:49,560 Speaker 1: show up a certain way and then judging them when 879 00:47:49,600 --> 00:47:53,319 Speaker 1: they don't, instead of stopping to consider that other people 880 00:47:53,400 --> 00:47:56,239 Speaker 1: have lives and other people have a lot of things 881 00:47:56,320 --> 00:47:59,840 Speaker 1: going on, and sometimes when people go silent on you, 882 00:48:00,400 --> 00:48:02,520 Speaker 1: it has nothing to do with you. It has to 883 00:48:02,600 --> 00:48:05,320 Speaker 1: do with a crazy busy period in life, or it 884 00:48:05,400 --> 00:48:06,880 Speaker 1: has to do with the fact that something's going on 885 00:48:06,920 --> 00:48:10,000 Speaker 1: with their family and they're so drained at the end 886 00:48:10,000 --> 00:48:11,320 Speaker 1: of the day that the last thing they want to 887 00:48:11,320 --> 00:48:14,759 Speaker 1: do is talk to anybody. And so I do think 888 00:48:14,800 --> 00:48:20,200 Speaker 1: we expect too much because relationships feel very like transactional. 889 00:48:20,400 --> 00:48:21,840 Speaker 1: You do this for me, I do this for you. 890 00:48:22,040 --> 00:48:24,719 Speaker 1: I text you, you better text me back. Now, there 891 00:48:24,760 --> 00:48:28,479 Speaker 1: are rules in terms of just being courteous to people 892 00:48:29,400 --> 00:48:34,920 Speaker 1: and being gracious to people. But I'm deeply concerned Jay 893 00:48:35,560 --> 00:48:40,800 Speaker 1: about the rise of both estrangement. I'm concerned about the 894 00:48:41,080 --> 00:48:43,279 Speaker 1: amount of posts that go viral about you know, I 895 00:48:43,560 --> 00:48:45,239 Speaker 1: got my life better because I cut all the talks 896 00:48:45,280 --> 00:48:48,359 Speaker 1: of people out and I stop and think always, well, 897 00:48:49,000 --> 00:48:52,080 Speaker 1: did you have a conversation about what was bothering you? 898 00:48:53,200 --> 00:48:57,200 Speaker 1: Because if you just ghost other people or you use 899 00:48:57,440 --> 00:49:02,960 Speaker 1: the silent treatment, that's actually punishing somebody and that's extremely immature. Actually, 900 00:49:03,560 --> 00:49:06,200 Speaker 1: it means you can't handle your own emotions, which is 901 00:49:06,239 --> 00:49:08,560 Speaker 1: why you don't have a hard conversation about what you 902 00:49:08,719 --> 00:49:11,839 Speaker 1: need or how someone's behavior is impacting you, and if 903 00:49:11,880 --> 00:49:14,759 Speaker 1: you haven't had that, it's a very immature move to 904 00:49:15,000 --> 00:49:18,440 Speaker 1: just cut somebody off. And so I get very worried 905 00:49:18,719 --> 00:49:23,600 Speaker 1: about the labeling of people as toxic and about the 906 00:49:24,600 --> 00:49:28,520 Speaker 1: ease at which people seem to just drop people. And 907 00:49:28,880 --> 00:49:32,000 Speaker 1: what I really love about the let them theory is 908 00:49:32,080 --> 00:49:36,000 Speaker 1: that it opens up the window to a lot more compassion, 909 00:49:36,840 --> 00:49:40,080 Speaker 1: because we're quick to think that if somebody hasn't texted 910 00:49:40,120 --> 00:49:43,680 Speaker 1: you back, or you've texted somebody a couple times and 911 00:49:43,880 --> 00:49:46,960 Speaker 1: they haven't responded, that you did something bad. And it's 912 00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:48,840 Speaker 1: perfectly fine to be like, did I do something? 913 00:49:49,000 --> 00:49:49,120 Speaker 2: You know? 914 00:49:49,640 --> 00:49:53,560 Speaker 1: I noticed you haven't responded? Is everything okay? If they 915 00:49:53,600 --> 00:49:57,000 Speaker 1: don't respond, then then something's probably wrong, either with them 916 00:49:57,200 --> 00:49:59,040 Speaker 1: or with you, and you get to decide what you're 917 00:49:59,040 --> 00:50:03,520 Speaker 1: going to do next. But I am worried about the 918 00:50:03,640 --> 00:50:07,920 Speaker 1: combination of people being isolated, of people spending way too 919 00:50:07,960 --> 00:50:10,879 Speaker 1: much time on their phones instead of with each other, 920 00:50:11,600 --> 00:50:15,239 Speaker 1: and that we've gotten very transactional with one another, and 921 00:50:15,360 --> 00:50:17,960 Speaker 1: it's easy to forget that people have a lot going 922 00:50:18,040 --> 00:50:20,480 Speaker 1: on and they're not thinking about you as much as 923 00:50:20,520 --> 00:50:22,480 Speaker 1: you're thinking about them, and just because you have time 924 00:50:22,560 --> 00:50:24,359 Speaker 1: to text them, doesn't mean they have time right now 925 00:50:24,400 --> 00:50:26,840 Speaker 1: to text you back. And I guarantee you when they 926 00:50:26,880 --> 00:50:28,920 Speaker 1: saw your text, they probably thought, oh my god, I 927 00:50:28,960 --> 00:50:30,640 Speaker 1: love it. You know, I got a and then something 928 00:50:30,680 --> 00:50:33,879 Speaker 1: came up, and so I do worry about it, Jay, 929 00:50:33,920 --> 00:50:38,040 Speaker 1: I do think we have too much of an expectation 930 00:50:38,360 --> 00:50:42,000 Speaker 1: of something in return. And when you start to use 931 00:50:42,080 --> 00:50:43,920 Speaker 1: this theory, what you're also going to notice is this, 932 00:50:45,080 --> 00:50:47,320 Speaker 1: when you start to say let them, you will notice 933 00:50:47,880 --> 00:50:50,719 Speaker 1: that maybe you're the sibling that reaches out more. And 934 00:50:50,840 --> 00:50:54,160 Speaker 1: it might bother you because when you say let them 935 00:50:55,040 --> 00:50:58,480 Speaker 1: and you keep reaching out and they don't reach out, 936 00:50:59,560 --> 00:51:01,640 Speaker 1: or you have a group of friends and you notice 937 00:51:01,680 --> 00:51:03,760 Speaker 1: that when you stop reaching out or making the plans, 938 00:51:03,800 --> 00:51:07,600 Speaker 1: that you're not included in theirs, and that hurts. The 939 00:51:08,040 --> 00:51:09,640 Speaker 1: thing I used to do when that happened is I 940 00:51:09,680 --> 00:51:12,920 Speaker 1: would make it about me. I would make it like 941 00:51:13,040 --> 00:51:16,200 Speaker 1: some deficiency in me and what I've learned using the 942 00:51:16,280 --> 00:51:19,480 Speaker 1: let them theory and really just saying let them, which 943 00:51:19,840 --> 00:51:23,560 Speaker 1: detaches from the hurt, It detaches from the judgment. It 944 00:51:23,920 --> 00:51:25,959 Speaker 1: reminds you that adults are allowed to live their lives, 945 00:51:26,440 --> 00:51:29,239 Speaker 1: Adults are allowed to come and go in friendship. They're 946 00:51:29,280 --> 00:51:31,919 Speaker 1: allowed to prioritize certain people at certain times. They're allowed 947 00:51:31,920 --> 00:51:34,640 Speaker 1: to have busy periods at work. They're allowed to fall 948 00:51:34,760 --> 00:51:37,640 Speaker 1: in and out of communication. And the more you let 949 00:51:37,680 --> 00:51:39,759 Speaker 1: people live their lives, the better your life gets and 950 00:51:39,800 --> 00:51:42,960 Speaker 1: the more compassionate of a human being you become. And 951 00:51:44,320 --> 00:51:47,480 Speaker 1: the more I've started to recognize, oh wait, like my 952 00:51:47,800 --> 00:51:51,120 Speaker 1: social life is my responsibility. If I have a group 953 00:51:51,160 --> 00:51:54,880 Speaker 1: of friends where if I make the plans, everybody's included, 954 00:51:55,080 --> 00:51:59,359 Speaker 1: but if I sit back, I'm never invited. Then now 955 00:51:59,360 --> 00:52:01,680 Speaker 1: I got an exam and am I investing in the 956 00:52:01,760 --> 00:52:05,080 Speaker 1: right group of friends? Or you might also wake up 957 00:52:05,080 --> 00:52:08,240 Speaker 1: and realize, well, maybe I just like really like introverted people, 958 00:52:09,040 --> 00:52:11,799 Speaker 1: but I'm the party planner and that's my role in life. 959 00:52:12,600 --> 00:52:15,719 Speaker 1: And instead of you being transactional, you actually recognize the 960 00:52:15,800 --> 00:52:19,400 Speaker 1: gift that it is to people. Right, And you know, 961 00:52:19,800 --> 00:52:22,880 Speaker 1: it sucks that maybe your siblings get together because they 962 00:52:22,920 --> 00:52:26,239 Speaker 1: live closer and they don't include you, and it does hurt, 963 00:52:26,360 --> 00:52:28,959 Speaker 1: and feeling a little bit of pain like that means 964 00:52:29,600 --> 00:52:32,600 Speaker 1: your mind and body is working properly. It's a sign 965 00:52:32,640 --> 00:52:35,319 Speaker 1: that you're mentally well. It doesn't mean there's a sign 966 00:52:35,360 --> 00:52:37,640 Speaker 1: that there's anything wrong with you. And so when you 967 00:52:37,680 --> 00:52:39,840 Speaker 1: can say let them, and then you say let me, 968 00:52:40,239 --> 00:52:41,800 Speaker 1: let me decide what I want to do about this, 969 00:52:42,680 --> 00:52:47,200 Speaker 1: you can have the conversation and you might realize that 970 00:52:47,760 --> 00:52:51,880 Speaker 1: they just click and you don't have as close as 971 00:52:51,920 --> 00:52:55,600 Speaker 1: a relationship. But then you get to decide how you 972 00:52:55,719 --> 00:52:59,439 Speaker 1: value family and if you're going to bring different energy 973 00:52:59,520 --> 00:53:01,000 Speaker 1: or if you're going to try a little bit harder, 974 00:53:01,080 --> 00:53:05,000 Speaker 1: because again, you get to choose. And when you realize 975 00:53:05,040 --> 00:53:07,759 Speaker 1: how much power you have, you see that through you 976 00:53:07,920 --> 00:53:09,840 Speaker 1: the way you think about it or you respond to it, 977 00:53:10,760 --> 00:53:14,080 Speaker 1: you actually can shift anything for the better for sure. 978 00:53:14,640 --> 00:53:17,840 Speaker 1: And I'm really excited about this. I wrote this actually 979 00:53:17,880 --> 00:53:20,759 Speaker 1: with my daughter who's twenty five, and it was an 980 00:53:20,800 --> 00:53:28,080 Speaker 1: amazing experience because she was bringing a much different perspective 981 00:53:28,400 --> 00:53:30,480 Speaker 1: and when we wrote the section about how you use 982 00:53:30,560 --> 00:53:35,759 Speaker 1: to let them theory with love, she started researching the 983 00:53:35,880 --> 00:53:39,719 Speaker 1: breakup section because the fact about love is people choose 984 00:53:39,760 --> 00:53:42,279 Speaker 1: who and how they love, and sometimes they won't choose you. 985 00:53:43,320 --> 00:53:45,880 Speaker 1: But you also get to choose who and how you 986 00:53:46,000 --> 00:53:48,439 Speaker 1: love and how you're going to create it, and people 987 00:53:48,520 --> 00:53:51,560 Speaker 1: forget that. And so we get to the part about 988 00:53:52,160 --> 00:53:56,640 Speaker 1: when a relationship is ending and her boyfriend of two 989 00:53:56,719 --> 00:54:01,360 Speaker 1: years breaks up with her, and she's book like, this 990 00:54:01,600 --> 00:54:04,759 Speaker 1: is horse, you rip this stuff. I have to let 991 00:54:04,840 --> 00:54:06,400 Speaker 1: a walk out the door. I have to let to 992 00:54:06,440 --> 00:54:08,520 Speaker 1: believe it. There's a bullshit of it, like just like 993 00:54:09,400 --> 00:54:16,600 Speaker 1: And it was this unbelievable experience because when somebody that 994 00:54:16,800 --> 00:54:21,680 Speaker 1: you love is grieving or going through heartbreak or struggling, 995 00:54:23,040 --> 00:54:26,080 Speaker 1: you would jump in front of a car to take 996 00:54:26,120 --> 00:54:29,080 Speaker 1: their pain away. And the let them theory and the 997 00:54:29,160 --> 00:54:32,799 Speaker 1: experience of this book taught me that the best thing 998 00:54:32,920 --> 00:54:37,520 Speaker 1: I could do was to let her grieve, to let 999 00:54:37,640 --> 00:54:42,280 Speaker 1: her be heartbroken, to let her go through her process. 1000 00:54:43,239 --> 00:54:45,239 Speaker 1: You know, I think about it this way, like arm 1001 00:54:45,360 --> 00:54:48,279 Speaker 1: around somebody. You're not blocking and tackling. You've got your 1002 00:54:48,400 --> 00:54:52,280 Speaker 1: arm around somebody. But if she's on the floor sobbing, 1003 00:54:52,440 --> 00:54:56,040 Speaker 1: letter because she needs to, you know, if we need 1004 00:54:56,160 --> 00:54:59,040 Speaker 1: to remove the photos from the family thing because this 1005 00:54:59,120 --> 00:55:02,240 Speaker 1: is a two year long relalationship, because that is actually 1006 00:55:02,320 --> 00:55:04,560 Speaker 1: a huge recommendation that I make in this book that 1007 00:55:04,640 --> 00:55:08,040 Speaker 1: you've got to follow a thirty day rule of zero contact, 1008 00:55:08,160 --> 00:55:13,239 Speaker 1: zero photos, zero videos, because you're not just letting them leave. 1009 00:55:14,320 --> 00:55:18,839 Speaker 1: You have to unlearn the patterns of your life. Yes, 1010 00:55:19,880 --> 00:55:24,040 Speaker 1: that were with them. It's a withdrawal like anything else. Yes, 1011 00:55:24,719 --> 00:55:28,759 Speaker 1: And any sign of that person actually triggers the old 1012 00:55:28,880 --> 00:55:31,920 Speaker 1: patterns in your nervous system and it delays your ability 1013 00:55:32,000 --> 00:55:37,000 Speaker 1: to move through it absolutely, And it's impossible when you're 1014 00:55:37,120 --> 00:55:40,760 Speaker 1: in it to just let them move on because every 1015 00:55:41,280 --> 00:55:43,960 Speaker 1: part of your wiring and programming, you're going to want 1016 00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:45,799 Speaker 1: to check their location. You're going to want to listen 1017 00:55:45,840 --> 00:55:48,280 Speaker 1: to the voice memos, You're going to want to saturate 1018 00:55:48,400 --> 00:55:53,160 Speaker 1: yourself because the life that you wanted is over and 1019 00:55:53,560 --> 00:55:56,520 Speaker 1: you're either going to trap yourself in a life that 1020 00:55:56,600 --> 00:55:59,960 Speaker 1: you're no longer in by watching their life play out 1021 00:56:00,160 --> 00:56:03,200 Speaker 1: from afar, and you're going to keep re triggering these 1022 00:56:03,280 --> 00:56:06,960 Speaker 1: patterns in your nervous system because you're going to keep 1023 00:56:07,040 --> 00:56:09,879 Speaker 1: this person in your life even though they walked out 1024 00:56:09,960 --> 00:56:12,520 Speaker 1: the door, which is why you have to let them. 1025 00:56:13,239 --> 00:56:15,879 Speaker 1: And then you've got to let me do the hard part, 1026 00:56:16,040 --> 00:56:18,400 Speaker 1: which is I get to choose how I'm going to 1027 00:56:18,440 --> 00:56:22,680 Speaker 1: move through this. And the research is also really empowering. 1028 00:56:23,280 --> 00:56:26,600 Speaker 1: It gets better for the majority of people. Seventy one 1029 00:56:26,600 --> 00:56:29,479 Speaker 1: percent of people start to feel better by eleven weeks. 1030 00:56:29,880 --> 00:56:31,680 Speaker 2: That's that's not eleven weeks. 1031 00:56:31,520 --> 00:56:33,960 Speaker 1: Eleven weeks, and you may feel better in eleven days. 1032 00:56:34,120 --> 00:56:35,360 Speaker 2: What happens at eleven weeks. 1033 00:56:35,960 --> 00:56:38,680 Speaker 1: What happens at eleven weeks if you're not cyberstalking somebody, 1034 00:56:39,640 --> 00:56:44,360 Speaker 1: is that you've actually allowed your body to break the 1035 00:56:44,520 --> 00:56:48,160 Speaker 1: old patterns. See the reason why when you're going through 1036 00:56:48,320 --> 00:56:51,919 Speaker 1: a heartbreak, and heartbreak and breakups are just like death. 1037 00:56:52,920 --> 00:56:55,959 Speaker 1: That's what they are for sure, because you're grieving what's 1038 00:56:56,000 --> 00:56:56,840 Speaker 1: no longer there. 1039 00:56:56,840 --> 00:56:59,600 Speaker 2: The life you have. Yes, and. 1040 00:57:01,160 --> 00:57:03,719 Speaker 1: Aside from the thirty day rule, which is remove like 1041 00:57:03,880 --> 00:57:07,400 Speaker 1: do not look at voice, memos, location, social nothing, no photos, 1042 00:57:07,480 --> 00:57:10,840 Speaker 1: because it triggers everything to stay alive in you. But 1043 00:57:10,960 --> 00:57:13,120 Speaker 1: during those thirty days, what's going to happen is every 1044 00:57:13,200 --> 00:57:14,960 Speaker 1: time you wake up, you're going to feel them there. 1045 00:57:15,719 --> 00:57:19,240 Speaker 1: Because your body remembers. That doesn't mean that's a sign 1046 00:57:19,240 --> 00:57:22,080 Speaker 1: you should get back together. That's actually a sign that 1047 00:57:22,120 --> 00:57:27,000 Speaker 1: you're unlearning something. Let those memories come up. Let your 1048 00:57:27,080 --> 00:57:29,600 Speaker 1: nervous system process this. Every time you have news in 1049 00:57:29,600 --> 00:57:30,960 Speaker 1: your life, you're going to want to reach out to them. 1050 00:57:31,000 --> 00:57:33,880 Speaker 1: Why because that was the pattern. That doesn't mean you should. 1051 00:57:35,040 --> 00:57:37,200 Speaker 1: So you've got to do the let them leave and 1052 00:57:37,320 --> 00:57:40,400 Speaker 1: let me remind myself, I'm going through this process, and 1053 00:57:40,840 --> 00:57:44,760 Speaker 1: every day that you do that, you're actually unlearning these patterns, 1054 00:57:44,800 --> 00:57:47,000 Speaker 1: and by the time you get to about thirty days, 1055 00:57:47,720 --> 00:57:53,840 Speaker 1: you feel less intoxicated. Another huge recommendation is do something 1056 00:57:53,840 --> 00:57:55,960 Speaker 1: in your bedroom, like paint a wall, move the bed, 1057 00:57:56,400 --> 00:57:58,360 Speaker 1: do something, because you spent a lot of time there, 1058 00:57:58,720 --> 00:58:01,120 Speaker 1: so walking back into it is like a graveyard of 1059 00:58:01,160 --> 00:58:03,920 Speaker 1: your old life and it can be very triggering. And 1060 00:58:04,080 --> 00:58:07,640 Speaker 1: so she did that, And the eleven week mark is 1061 00:58:07,680 --> 00:58:12,160 Speaker 1: important because what's happening is you're now starting to create 1062 00:58:12,520 --> 00:58:16,720 Speaker 1: new patterns as you've let them leave. You're now letting 1063 00:58:16,840 --> 00:58:22,160 Speaker 1: me move on. You're letting me take the actions that 1064 00:58:22,640 --> 00:58:25,520 Speaker 1: show me that my life is moving forward. And my 1065 00:58:25,680 --> 00:58:29,240 Speaker 1: therapist and Davin, who's the smartest woman of human being 1066 00:58:29,280 --> 00:58:32,320 Speaker 1: I've ever met, she said, you know, now, the thing 1067 00:58:32,600 --> 00:58:35,120 Speaker 1: for Sawyer to ask herself is if she knew that 1068 00:58:35,280 --> 00:58:39,840 Speaker 1: the love of her life were literally just a couple 1069 00:58:39,920 --> 00:58:45,280 Speaker 1: months away, what would you do right now with this 1070 00:58:45,560 --> 00:58:49,480 Speaker 1: period of time? And when you think about it that way, 1071 00:58:50,600 --> 00:58:53,360 Speaker 1: because again, as long as you're holding on to somebody 1072 00:58:53,400 --> 00:58:57,520 Speaker 1: who already left, you actually are not open to meeting 1073 00:58:57,520 --> 00:58:58,120 Speaker 1: anybody else. 1074 00:58:58,840 --> 00:59:02,520 Speaker 2: That is beautiful, that idea of what would you look like, 1075 00:59:02,880 --> 00:59:05,240 Speaker 2: what would you be thinking? Yeah, how would you behave 1076 00:59:05,320 --> 00:59:08,080 Speaker 2: if the love of your life was two months away? 1077 00:59:08,280 --> 00:59:10,720 Speaker 1: Yeah, or two years ago or a year away or whatever. 1078 00:59:10,840 --> 00:59:11,160 Speaker 2: Crazy? 1079 00:59:11,240 --> 00:59:15,000 Speaker 1: See, because we think because when somebody leaves that you love, 1080 00:59:15,880 --> 00:59:19,280 Speaker 1: you think you're unlovable. You actually think you're never gonna 1081 00:59:19,320 --> 00:59:23,040 Speaker 1: find it again. You hate yourself. That's why most of 1082 00:59:23,160 --> 00:59:28,960 Speaker 1: the advice about this is complete bullshit. Go love yourself. 1083 00:59:29,040 --> 00:59:30,880 Speaker 1: How am I going to go love myself and the 1084 00:59:30,920 --> 00:59:34,440 Speaker 1: person I love more than anything just left me? I 1085 00:59:34,640 --> 00:59:37,680 Speaker 1: hate myself. I despise myself. I am terrified of the 1086 00:59:37,760 --> 00:59:40,800 Speaker 1: day that they're going to meet somebody. I'm never gonna 1087 00:59:40,840 --> 00:59:42,440 Speaker 1: find that again. I'm never going to have sex like 1088 00:59:42,520 --> 00:59:47,200 Speaker 1: that again. I'm not like you hate yourself and so 1089 00:59:47,840 --> 00:59:50,320 Speaker 1: telling somebody to just go on a revenge diet or 1090 00:59:50,720 --> 00:59:54,840 Speaker 1: leon love yourself it's horrible. Instead, I want you to 1091 00:59:55,240 --> 00:59:59,480 Speaker 1: face reality they left, let them and then let me 1092 00:59:59,640 --> 01:00:03,920 Speaker 1: grieve and follow my therapist and Davin's advice. You have 1093 01:00:04,080 --> 01:00:06,320 Speaker 1: to do a thirty day detox, and if you are 1094 01:00:06,400 --> 01:00:09,000 Speaker 1: somebody that's been holding on to somebody that left a 1095 01:00:09,160 --> 01:00:12,080 Speaker 1: year ago, I guarantee you you have not gone thirty 1096 01:00:12,160 --> 01:00:14,480 Speaker 1: days without listening to a voice memo or looking at 1097 01:00:14,520 --> 01:00:18,560 Speaker 1: a photo. You are keeping them alive, which is keeping 1098 01:00:18,680 --> 01:00:23,080 Speaker 1: you trapped in something that's dead. And your inability to 1099 01:00:23,240 --> 01:00:27,520 Speaker 1: let them go and let them leave, and then let 1100 01:00:27,800 --> 01:00:32,400 Speaker 1: me accept reality and start moving forward, and let me 1101 01:00:32,600 --> 01:00:36,760 Speaker 1: believe that the person that I am meant to meet 1102 01:00:37,480 --> 01:00:39,560 Speaker 1: they are in the future. They're not in my past. 1103 01:00:39,920 --> 01:00:42,520 Speaker 1: And by the way, even if you kind of hold 1104 01:00:42,560 --> 01:00:45,960 Speaker 1: out secretly hope it might be the person from the past, 1105 01:00:46,640 --> 01:00:49,520 Speaker 1: it might be, but they're not the version from back there, 1106 01:00:49,920 --> 01:00:52,280 Speaker 1: and neither are you, and neither are you, and so 1107 01:00:52,400 --> 01:00:55,200 Speaker 1: you have to again come back to where the power is. 1108 01:00:55,480 --> 01:00:58,280 Speaker 1: It's not in getting them back. It's not in making 1109 01:00:58,320 --> 01:01:00,960 Speaker 1: them jealous, because if you focus, I'm making that person 1110 01:01:01,120 --> 01:01:05,040 Speaker 1: jealous or what? But where are you putting your power then? 1111 01:01:05,360 --> 01:01:08,600 Speaker 1: And something you can't control, You have to put your 1112 01:01:08,680 --> 01:01:11,560 Speaker 1: power here. And the reason why I love the thirty 1113 01:01:11,640 --> 01:01:13,920 Speaker 1: day rule in the eleven week mark is because it's 1114 01:01:14,000 --> 01:01:18,120 Speaker 1: the truth. This is going to suck. The only way 1115 01:01:18,400 --> 01:01:20,880 Speaker 1: to get over someone and to go through heartbreak is 1116 01:01:20,920 --> 01:01:23,560 Speaker 1: to go through it. There's no avoiding it. There's only 1117 01:01:23,640 --> 01:01:26,880 Speaker 1: delaying it, and we delay it because we don't want 1118 01:01:26,920 --> 01:01:31,240 Speaker 1: to accept people as they are. When somebody breaks up 1119 01:01:31,280 --> 01:01:34,120 Speaker 1: and leaves or cheats on you, they have just revealed 1120 01:01:34,240 --> 01:01:38,240 Speaker 1: who they are for sure, and your inability to accept 1121 01:01:38,320 --> 01:01:41,960 Speaker 1: it instead of explaining it away and living in a 1122 01:01:42,040 --> 01:01:45,560 Speaker 1: fantasy up here, that's what's keeping you from having and 1123 01:01:45,640 --> 01:01:48,360 Speaker 1: creating the love you actually deserve and want in your life. 1124 01:01:48,640 --> 01:01:50,880 Speaker 2: I was talking to a friend recently, and everything you're 1125 01:01:50,880 --> 01:01:53,640 Speaker 2: saying is just so true and it's resonating so strongly 1126 01:01:53,760 --> 01:01:56,320 Speaker 2: to me. I was doing to a friend recently and 1127 01:01:56,480 --> 01:02:01,680 Speaker 2: she was saying to me, I wish my friend would 1128 01:02:01,760 --> 01:02:04,640 Speaker 2: just be honest with me. I wish this person who's 1129 01:02:04,680 --> 01:02:07,360 Speaker 2: just screwed me over, just let me down, would just 1130 01:02:07,480 --> 01:02:10,440 Speaker 2: be honest with me rather than pretending to be my friend. 1131 01:02:11,520 --> 01:02:14,080 Speaker 2: And I said to them, they are being honest with you. 1132 01:02:14,840 --> 01:02:18,640 Speaker 2: Them lying is showing you their truth. That's how much 1133 01:02:18,680 --> 01:02:21,680 Speaker 2: they value you. Them pretending to be your friend is 1134 01:02:21,800 --> 01:02:24,680 Speaker 2: their truth. You don't want the truth. Actually, you want 1135 01:02:24,720 --> 01:02:26,840 Speaker 2: them to lie to you, and you want them to 1136 01:02:26,880 --> 01:02:29,560 Speaker 2: be someone else. You want them to become the honest person. 1137 01:02:30,040 --> 01:02:32,360 Speaker 2: But they're showing you that they're not an honest person. 1138 01:02:32,800 --> 01:02:33,800 Speaker 2: That is the truth. 1139 01:02:33,960 --> 01:02:35,760 Speaker 1: It's true. And here's the other thing. Why are you 1140 01:02:35,880 --> 01:02:38,520 Speaker 1: pretending to be this person's friend and not bringing it up? 1141 01:02:38,920 --> 01:02:41,000 Speaker 1: Why is it on them to tell you the truth? 1142 01:02:41,640 --> 01:02:44,360 Speaker 1: Let them lie to you and then come to the 1143 01:02:44,440 --> 01:02:49,480 Speaker 1: let me part. If aren't you pretending that you're their friend? 1144 01:02:49,520 --> 01:02:52,200 Speaker 1: If you haven't brought this up, and you're actually holding 1145 01:02:52,320 --> 01:02:57,439 Speaker 1: that in your head, right, there are so many applications 1146 01:02:57,480 --> 01:03:01,840 Speaker 1: of this, so many, it's just credible. And the thing 1147 01:03:02,120 --> 01:03:08,040 Speaker 1: that I'm really really excited about is that, you know, 1148 01:03:08,160 --> 01:03:11,240 Speaker 1: the other massive thing that I think this is going 1149 01:03:11,280 --> 01:03:13,280 Speaker 1: to help people with is that one other way that 1150 01:03:13,360 --> 01:03:17,880 Speaker 1: you make people a massive problem is that you see 1151 01:03:17,960 --> 01:03:22,360 Speaker 1: somebody else's success or happiness or the things that they 1152 01:03:22,440 --> 01:03:26,080 Speaker 1: achieve in their life is somehow robbing you of yours. 1153 01:03:26,960 --> 01:03:30,120 Speaker 1: And the thing about life is that you're never playing 1154 01:03:30,160 --> 01:03:35,720 Speaker 1: against people. You play with them. And somebody else's success, happiness, love, 1155 01:03:36,280 --> 01:03:39,080 Speaker 1: like the things that they achieve, it's in limitless supply. 1156 01:03:40,040 --> 01:03:43,479 Speaker 1: And when you wrap your brain around the fact that happiness, love, money, 1157 01:03:43,600 --> 01:03:46,439 Speaker 1: like all of it limitless supply, so other people can't 1158 01:03:46,480 --> 01:03:49,000 Speaker 1: block your way. They actually lead the way. And so 1159 01:03:49,080 --> 01:03:51,560 Speaker 1: if you let them lead the way, and you see 1160 01:03:51,760 --> 01:03:54,600 Speaker 1: their wins not as your losses, but you see it 1161 01:03:54,680 --> 01:03:58,880 Speaker 1: as an example to follow. You Now, stop making other 1162 01:03:59,000 --> 01:04:03,040 Speaker 1: people a problem, and you stop using them as an 1163 01:04:03,080 --> 01:04:05,880 Speaker 1: excuse for why you can't do what you're capable of. 1164 01:04:07,000 --> 01:04:10,880 Speaker 1: Other People don't block you, you block your way. Allow 1165 01:04:11,120 --> 01:04:13,240 Speaker 1: people to lead the way, and the way that you 1166 01:04:13,280 --> 01:04:16,000 Speaker 1: do that, you say, let them be successful, let them 1167 01:04:16,040 --> 01:04:18,040 Speaker 1: get married, let them have the baby, let them have 1168 01:04:18,160 --> 01:04:21,560 Speaker 1: the nice car. Because they're showing me what's possible. And 1169 01:04:21,720 --> 01:04:25,640 Speaker 1: the cool thing about really embracing let them in that 1170 01:04:25,800 --> 01:04:30,760 Speaker 1: regard is that other people also show you the formula. Right, 1171 01:04:31,720 --> 01:04:34,200 Speaker 1: they show you exactly how to do something. But if 1172 01:04:34,240 --> 01:04:36,400 Speaker 1: you're so busy going, oh well, Jane launched a podcast 1173 01:04:36,480 --> 01:04:38,960 Speaker 1: and there's too many podcasts Now, I can't launch a podcasts. 1174 01:04:39,960 --> 01:04:45,840 Speaker 1: Who's blocking you? Correct? You're capable of learning to be 1175 01:04:46,000 --> 01:04:49,880 Speaker 1: a better player in the game of life from other people, Yes, 1176 01:04:50,760 --> 01:04:54,080 Speaker 1: so stop playing against them and let them show you 1177 01:04:54,200 --> 01:04:54,440 Speaker 1: the way. 1178 01:04:54,920 --> 01:04:59,080 Speaker 2: Now, why is it so hard to make friends as 1179 01:04:59,160 --> 01:04:59,760 Speaker 2: we get out of. 1180 01:05:00,520 --> 01:05:04,800 Speaker 1: There is a massive shift that happens in adult friendship 1181 01:05:04,880 --> 01:05:08,080 Speaker 1: when you hit twenty that nobody sees coming. The rules 1182 01:05:08,120 --> 01:05:11,280 Speaker 1: of friendship completely change when your twenties hit and I'm 1183 01:05:11,280 --> 01:05:14,000 Speaker 1: going to explain the rules when you're little, and then 1184 01:05:14,040 --> 01:05:16,080 Speaker 1: we're going to talk about the rules of adult friendship. 1185 01:05:16,720 --> 01:05:21,080 Speaker 1: So when you're little, your entire life is organized around 1186 01:05:21,800 --> 01:05:24,360 Speaker 1: friendship and making it possible because you're with people your 1187 01:05:24,440 --> 01:05:27,640 Speaker 1: age all the time in class, in sports, true, you 1188 01:05:27,840 --> 01:05:31,400 Speaker 1: move in groups because you're on teams and you're in 1189 01:05:31,480 --> 01:05:35,440 Speaker 1: neighborhoods and you're always together. You also celebrate the same milestones. 1190 01:05:35,440 --> 01:05:37,480 Speaker 1: You're hitting the same birthdays. You're all talking about the 1191 01:05:37,560 --> 01:05:39,880 Speaker 1: next level of school or this thing this summer. You're 1192 01:05:39,880 --> 01:05:41,880 Speaker 1: watching the same movies because you're all the same age, 1193 01:05:41,920 --> 01:05:44,520 Speaker 1: and so there's so much synergy and relevance and the 1194 01:05:44,640 --> 01:05:47,040 Speaker 1: conditions to spend a ton of time together are there. 1195 01:05:47,520 --> 01:05:49,920 Speaker 1: Then you get to university and you spend even more 1196 01:05:50,000 --> 01:05:54,480 Speaker 1: time together. And what happens when you hit your twenties, right, 1197 01:05:55,240 --> 01:05:57,600 Speaker 1: is that it moves from this big group sport where 1198 01:05:57,640 --> 01:05:59,200 Speaker 1: you just kind of expect to be around your friends 1199 01:05:59,200 --> 01:06:01,720 Speaker 1: all the time. You expect the group to get invited 1200 01:06:01,840 --> 01:06:04,080 Speaker 1: because that's what's always happened. You expect to see them 1201 01:06:04,080 --> 01:06:05,600 Speaker 1: all the time because you do always see them all 1202 01:06:05,640 --> 01:06:08,840 Speaker 1: the time. But then your twenties hit, the rules change 1203 01:06:08,960 --> 01:06:12,280 Speaker 1: and what I call the Great Scattering happens. Everybody moves 1204 01:06:12,320 --> 01:06:16,160 Speaker 1: in different directions and friendship goes from group sport to 1205 01:06:16,280 --> 01:06:21,320 Speaker 1: individual sport. You can no longer expect friendship. You are 1206 01:06:21,560 --> 01:06:24,360 Speaker 1: no longer part of a group that is expected to 1207 01:06:24,400 --> 01:06:28,360 Speaker 1: be invited everywhere because everybody scatters and suddenly everybody's on 1208 01:06:28,440 --> 01:06:31,960 Speaker 1: different timelines. You're in different cities, you're moving in different directions, 1209 01:06:32,200 --> 01:06:35,479 Speaker 1: so there's no way to locate yourself inside your friend group. 1210 01:06:36,040 --> 01:06:38,840 Speaker 1: And the only thing that's keeping you together from your friends, 1211 01:06:38,880 --> 01:06:41,000 Speaker 1: from your little is a text chain that starts to 1212 01:06:41,040 --> 01:06:43,920 Speaker 1: go quieter and quieter, a quieter as people start to 1213 01:06:44,040 --> 01:06:46,200 Speaker 1: focus on the people in front of them. And that 1214 01:06:46,400 --> 01:06:48,600 Speaker 1: brings me to two major shifts that I want you 1215 01:06:48,680 --> 01:06:51,640 Speaker 1: to embrace using the let them theory. Number one, you 1216 01:06:51,720 --> 01:06:55,080 Speaker 1: can no longer expect friendship. You have to take a 1217 01:06:55,160 --> 01:06:58,560 Speaker 1: way more flexible approach and a more proactive approach. You've 1218 01:06:58,560 --> 01:07:03,960 Speaker 1: got to let people come and go super important, and 1219 01:07:04,040 --> 01:07:06,560 Speaker 1: then you've got to let me take the actions to 1220 01:07:06,720 --> 01:07:09,120 Speaker 1: create the friendships. I got to go first. I got 1221 01:07:09,240 --> 01:07:10,840 Speaker 1: to be the one planning. I got to seek out 1222 01:07:10,880 --> 01:07:14,920 Speaker 1: new people. But there are three pillars of adult friendship 1223 01:07:15,120 --> 01:07:17,720 Speaker 1: based on research that are also going to help you 1224 01:07:17,880 --> 01:07:20,600 Speaker 1: understand that when people come and go in your life, 1225 01:07:21,040 --> 01:07:24,480 Speaker 1: ninety nine percent of the time, it's not personal and 1226 01:07:24,600 --> 01:07:27,560 Speaker 1: you actually haven't lost them as a friend. One of 1227 01:07:27,600 --> 01:07:30,560 Speaker 1: the three pillars is missing. So the three things that 1228 01:07:30,720 --> 01:07:33,840 Speaker 1: need to be required to have a friendship happen are 1229 01:07:33,960 --> 01:07:36,000 Speaker 1: the same three things that were around all the time 1230 01:07:36,040 --> 01:07:40,520 Speaker 1: when you were a kid. Number one, proximity. Proximity matters tremendously. 1231 01:07:41,000 --> 01:07:44,640 Speaker 1: Proximity means who are you actually physically next to. In fact, 1232 01:07:44,640 --> 01:07:47,000 Speaker 1: they've done research, Jay, if you and I were in 1233 01:07:47,040 --> 01:07:49,640 Speaker 1: a dorm and we lived across the hall, I don't 1234 01:07:49,680 --> 01:07:52,520 Speaker 1: I don't remember the percentages exactly, but it's like ninety 1235 01:07:52,560 --> 01:07:54,840 Speaker 1: percent chance we're going to be friends interesting the poor 1236 01:07:55,000 --> 01:07:58,160 Speaker 1: person at the end of the hallway ten percent chance 1237 01:07:58,200 --> 01:07:59,920 Speaker 1: that we're going to be friends with them because of proximity, 1238 01:08:00,520 --> 01:08:03,440 Speaker 1: even a matter of fifty feet makes a difference. And 1239 01:08:03,600 --> 01:08:06,040 Speaker 1: so when you were little, you were in proximity to 1240 01:08:06,080 --> 01:08:10,240 Speaker 1: people your age all the time exactly. The research also 1241 01:08:10,360 --> 01:08:13,560 Speaker 1: shows that to have as an adult a kind of 1242 01:08:13,640 --> 01:08:16,320 Speaker 1: casual friend, you need to spend approximately seventy hours with 1243 01:08:16,439 --> 01:08:20,720 Speaker 1: somebody to have a close friend two hundred hours. So 1244 01:08:20,800 --> 01:08:23,840 Speaker 1: when you're an adult, that creates a big problem because 1245 01:08:23,880 --> 01:08:25,680 Speaker 1: who are you spending all your time with once you're 1246 01:08:25,680 --> 01:08:28,559 Speaker 1: twenty The American time study shows that it's with people 1247 01:08:28,640 --> 01:08:31,120 Speaker 1: you work with. So why aren't we best friends with 1248 01:08:31,160 --> 01:08:34,120 Speaker 1: people at work because you have proximity and you're spending 1249 01:08:34,120 --> 01:08:36,479 Speaker 1: a lot of time together. But here's the thing, timing. 1250 01:08:37,360 --> 01:08:39,360 Speaker 1: When you were little, you were in the same timing 1251 01:08:39,520 --> 01:08:42,760 Speaker 1: of life with everybody. When you hit your twenties and 1252 01:08:42,840 --> 01:08:47,000 Speaker 1: it's now individual, everybody's on different timelines. Some of your 1253 01:08:47,000 --> 01:08:49,160 Speaker 1: friends are getting married, some are going to graduate school, 1254 01:08:49,320 --> 01:08:52,920 Speaker 1: some are now pursuing jobs. Other people are moving out 1255 01:08:52,960 --> 01:08:56,280 Speaker 1: of the city into the city. Everybody's timing is now different. 1256 01:08:56,760 --> 01:08:59,280 Speaker 1: And this also explains why you're almost never best friends 1257 01:08:59,320 --> 01:09:02,479 Speaker 1: with people at work because the timing is off. You're 1258 01:09:02,520 --> 01:09:05,320 Speaker 1: sitting next to people that are in very different times 1259 01:09:05,360 --> 01:09:08,760 Speaker 1: of their life. You may like them a lot, and 1260 01:09:09,240 --> 01:09:12,839 Speaker 1: you may be friends, but you never spend time outside 1261 01:09:12,880 --> 01:09:16,720 Speaker 1: of work because they're at home with their family and 1262 01:09:17,000 --> 01:09:19,200 Speaker 1: you're going out with your bodies your age on the weekends. 1263 01:09:20,120 --> 01:09:22,320 Speaker 1: And then that brings me to the third thing that 1264 01:09:22,520 --> 01:09:25,559 Speaker 1: needs to be present for a friendship to truly click. 1265 01:09:25,600 --> 01:09:29,240 Speaker 1: And that's energy. And the thing about energy is it changes. 1266 01:09:30,400 --> 01:09:33,360 Speaker 1: And you can have fantastic energy with somebody, and then 1267 01:09:33,439 --> 01:09:35,880 Speaker 1: if you decide you're not drinking anymore, the energys off. 1268 01:09:36,640 --> 01:09:38,800 Speaker 1: If you decide to get really focused on fitness, the 1269 01:09:38,960 --> 01:09:42,439 Speaker 1: energy is off. If you have very different political beliefs, 1270 01:09:42,479 --> 01:09:45,880 Speaker 1: the energy is off. It's not personal. It's one of 1271 01:09:45,960 --> 01:09:48,480 Speaker 1: these three pillars. And it has helped me so profoundly 1272 01:09:48,600 --> 01:09:52,559 Speaker 1: Jay to realize that people come and go and it's 1273 01:09:52,560 --> 01:09:55,640 Speaker 1: a beautiful thing and you should let them. And you 1274 01:09:55,680 --> 01:09:59,400 Speaker 1: should really if you have a friendship that starts to dissipate, right, 1275 01:10:00,439 --> 01:10:02,920 Speaker 1: ask yourself before you blame them or you blame you. 1276 01:10:04,280 --> 01:10:09,680 Speaker 1: Are any one of these three pillars missing? Are we 1277 01:10:09,840 --> 01:10:13,559 Speaker 1: not near each other anymore? Is the timing of our 1278 01:10:13,640 --> 01:10:16,600 Speaker 1: lives off? Is there just something about the energy that 1279 01:10:16,720 --> 01:10:20,960 Speaker 1: hasn't clicked? Because you can't force those things. But what 1280 01:10:21,080 --> 01:10:23,880 Speaker 1: I've found is that when you recognize that those are 1281 01:10:24,040 --> 01:10:30,080 Speaker 1: really important factors to your connection to someone else, that 1282 01:10:31,080 --> 01:10:33,040 Speaker 1: if a friendship starts to fade, for me, it's so 1283 01:10:33,320 --> 01:10:36,719 Speaker 1: easy to say let them. And I don't wish anybody bad. 1284 01:10:37,560 --> 01:10:40,840 Speaker 1: I literally wish people well because the other thing that 1285 01:10:40,880 --> 01:10:44,080 Speaker 1: I've learned, and you know, being fifty six, I've had 1286 01:10:44,080 --> 01:10:46,240 Speaker 1: a lot of friends come and go in different phases 1287 01:10:46,280 --> 01:10:49,920 Speaker 1: of my life that you would be startled by how 1288 01:10:49,960 --> 01:10:53,400 Speaker 1: many people from your past that you no longer quote 1289 01:10:53,439 --> 01:10:55,680 Speaker 1: consider friends because you haven't seen them in a very 1290 01:10:55,760 --> 01:10:58,519 Speaker 1: long time, or things just got weird. If you actually 1291 01:10:58,680 --> 01:11:02,559 Speaker 1: called them, they'd pick up the phone if you texted them. 1292 01:11:03,400 --> 01:11:06,000 Speaker 1: The research shows that when you get a surprise text 1293 01:11:06,080 --> 01:11:07,960 Speaker 1: from somebody that you haven't heard from in a long time, 1294 01:11:08,120 --> 01:11:10,960 Speaker 1: the amount of joy that you feel. And so I 1295 01:11:11,080 --> 01:11:13,439 Speaker 1: want you to consider, if you're very lonely right now, 1296 01:11:13,479 --> 01:11:15,960 Speaker 1: that there's actually probably hundreds of people from your past 1297 01:11:16,040 --> 01:11:18,720 Speaker 1: that still consider you a friend. And if you take 1298 01:11:18,800 --> 01:11:22,040 Speaker 1: the approach that I'm talking about, which is friendship is 1299 01:11:22,040 --> 01:11:26,439 Speaker 1: your responsibility, you need to go first, let me create 1300 01:11:26,600 --> 01:11:29,280 Speaker 1: the friendship and the connection that I want. And you 1301 01:11:29,400 --> 01:11:34,080 Speaker 1: can start by literally taking a look through your past 1302 01:11:34,240 --> 01:11:37,120 Speaker 1: and thinking about people that you remember fondly and just 1303 01:11:37,200 --> 01:11:40,599 Speaker 1: sending them a text, and you will be startled by 1304 01:11:40,640 --> 01:11:45,280 Speaker 1: what comes back because they're there, they haven't actually gone anywhere. 1305 01:11:45,479 --> 01:11:48,000 Speaker 1: The connection is still there. And oftentimes even if you've 1306 01:11:48,040 --> 01:11:53,040 Speaker 1: had somebody where something's been off again, let them and 1307 01:11:53,160 --> 01:11:56,519 Speaker 1: wish them well, and there will be a time, I 1308 01:11:56,720 --> 01:12:00,280 Speaker 1: promise you, where the timing or proximity or energy comes 1309 01:12:00,320 --> 01:12:01,200 Speaker 1: back around again. 1310 01:12:01,600 --> 01:12:04,519 Speaker 2: Yeah, and often you're so right. When as I'm listening 1311 01:12:04,560 --> 01:12:08,560 Speaker 2: to your talk, I'm just thinking of how conscious we 1312 01:12:08,680 --> 01:12:11,120 Speaker 2: have to be with all of our relationships, the ones 1313 01:12:11,160 --> 01:12:13,120 Speaker 2: that matter to us, the ones that we want to 1314 01:12:13,200 --> 01:12:16,519 Speaker 2: invest in. And it's what you said there was we 1315 01:12:16,640 --> 01:12:21,559 Speaker 2: were actually dealt such a tough card in the fact 1316 01:12:21,640 --> 01:12:25,840 Speaker 2: that basically from the moment you joined school at four 1317 01:12:26,640 --> 01:12:28,240 Speaker 2: till the moment you were twenty one, if you went 1318 01:12:28,320 --> 01:12:32,400 Speaker 2: to college, you basically didn't have to make really any 1319 01:12:32,520 --> 01:12:36,880 Speaker 2: major decisions or think about the next step because you 1320 01:12:36,920 --> 01:12:38,960 Speaker 2: went from seventh grade to eighth grade, to ninth grade 1321 01:12:39,000 --> 01:12:41,680 Speaker 2: to whatever it is, right, And so then all of 1322 01:12:41,720 --> 01:12:44,559 Speaker 2: a sudden, you're in the world at twenty one, yeah, 1323 01:12:45,400 --> 01:12:47,519 Speaker 2: or eighteen if you didn't go to college, and you 1324 01:12:47,680 --> 01:12:49,479 Speaker 2: all of a sudden now have to figure out what 1325 01:12:49,640 --> 01:12:51,679 Speaker 2: to do for the next fifty sixty years. 1326 01:12:52,080 --> 01:12:55,000 Speaker 1: All structure of your life just that just disappears because 1327 01:12:55,000 --> 01:12:57,479 Speaker 1: there is no structure and it makes no sense. 1328 01:12:58,400 --> 01:13:01,200 Speaker 2: And as I'm hearing you talk, it sounds like to 1329 01:13:01,320 --> 01:13:03,880 Speaker 2: me that it would have been harder to watch your 1330 01:13:03,960 --> 01:13:06,920 Speaker 2: daughter have to practice to let them theory than it 1331 01:13:07,120 --> 01:13:09,840 Speaker 2: is for you to practice to let them theory yes 1332 01:13:10,240 --> 01:13:12,599 Speaker 2: when she was going through her business. Would you say, 1333 01:13:12,720 --> 01:13:16,800 Speaker 2: that's in your deep vicinity of people that you're close 1334 01:13:16,880 --> 01:13:20,880 Speaker 2: with the hardest way you've had to practice to let 1335 01:13:20,920 --> 01:13:21,599 Speaker 2: them do yes. 1336 01:13:21,720 --> 01:13:25,519 Speaker 1: The hardest way is when you recognize the potential in 1337 01:13:25,600 --> 01:13:31,920 Speaker 1: somebody and you see them struggling, and when you recognize 1338 01:13:31,920 --> 01:13:34,840 Speaker 1: that somebody that you love deeply is in pain. When 1339 01:13:34,840 --> 01:13:39,000 Speaker 1: you're saying let them, you're not abandoning somebody. You're actually 1340 01:13:39,160 --> 01:13:44,200 Speaker 1: recognizing their ability to meet these difficult moments in their 1341 01:13:44,280 --> 01:13:49,240 Speaker 1: life with you by their side. And I think when 1342 01:13:49,280 --> 01:13:52,640 Speaker 1: I think about supporting versus enabling, because the more you 1343 01:13:52,760 --> 01:13:55,879 Speaker 1: kind of step in and rescue people from their feelings 1344 01:13:56,080 --> 01:13:58,920 Speaker 1: or from the consequences of their decisions or their inaction, 1345 01:13:59,720 --> 01:14:03,479 Speaker 1: the more people continue to drown in their problems. I 1346 01:14:03,560 --> 01:14:04,800 Speaker 1: really believe that I do too. 1347 01:14:05,040 --> 01:14:05,880 Speaker 2: I really believe that. 1348 01:14:06,000 --> 01:14:09,120 Speaker 1: And it's a very very difficult balance because you're going 1349 01:14:09,200 --> 01:14:12,320 Speaker 1: to hit your frustration and rock bottom and worry with 1350 01:14:12,439 --> 01:14:17,360 Speaker 1: somebody before they do, and somebody said something in the 1351 01:14:17,439 --> 01:14:20,400 Speaker 1: Addiction Commune. I can't remember who said this, but it 1352 01:14:20,640 --> 01:14:23,320 Speaker 1: just is so true that somebody only gets sober when 1353 01:14:23,360 --> 01:14:27,840 Speaker 1: getting drunk is harder than facing the thing that they 1354 01:14:28,080 --> 01:14:32,519 Speaker 1: don't want to face. And the same is true with 1355 01:14:32,600 --> 01:14:36,960 Speaker 1: anything like really motivating yourself to get in better shape, 1356 01:14:38,520 --> 01:14:40,880 Speaker 1: recognizing that you have a pattern of dating people that 1357 01:14:40,920 --> 01:14:44,439 Speaker 1: are emotionally abusive, and taking a break and really digging 1358 01:14:44,600 --> 01:14:47,519 Speaker 1: deep into the issue that keeps coming. 1359 01:14:47,360 --> 01:14:47,680 Speaker 2: Up for you. 1360 01:14:48,120 --> 01:14:51,439 Speaker 1: That's really hard. That's why we avoid it. And so 1361 01:14:52,240 --> 01:14:55,000 Speaker 1: when you see somebody that you know is capable or 1362 01:14:55,040 --> 01:14:58,240 Speaker 1: who deserves better, wanting that for them is a form 1363 01:14:58,280 --> 01:15:01,719 Speaker 1: of loving them like you should and want the people 1364 01:15:01,800 --> 01:15:04,400 Speaker 1: in your life that you care about to be doing better, 1365 01:15:04,600 --> 01:15:08,840 Speaker 1: and you I hate seeing somebody with so much potential 1366 01:15:09,560 --> 01:15:12,360 Speaker 1: squandering it. But again, I'm going to come back to 1367 01:15:12,439 --> 01:15:15,080 Speaker 1: something that I learned from doctor Stewart Ablon at mass 1368 01:15:15,120 --> 01:15:19,200 Speaker 1: General Hospital. People do well in the can and I 1369 01:15:19,280 --> 01:15:21,160 Speaker 1: want you to start to assume that if somebody in 1370 01:15:21,200 --> 01:15:24,200 Speaker 1: your life is not doing well, or if they're going 1371 01:15:24,320 --> 01:15:27,760 Speaker 1: through a challenge, there is a skill that's missing, or 1372 01:15:27,840 --> 01:15:30,479 Speaker 1: there is emotion that needs to be processed, or there 1373 01:15:30,600 --> 01:15:33,280 Speaker 1: is pain that needs to be felt before they can 1374 01:15:33,439 --> 01:15:39,320 Speaker 1: galvanize the ability to do the very difficult work to change. 1375 01:15:40,240 --> 01:15:42,400 Speaker 1: And in the case of watching my daughter go through 1376 01:15:42,479 --> 01:15:46,920 Speaker 1: this heartbreak, I mean I literally found myself Jay wanting 1377 01:15:47,040 --> 01:15:50,280 Speaker 1: to text you know, her boyfriend, her boyfriend's mother are like, 1378 01:15:50,520 --> 01:15:52,439 Speaker 1: you know, hey, maybe we can like just because I 1379 01:15:52,479 --> 01:15:54,640 Speaker 1: want to fix it. But when you step in and 1380 01:15:54,760 --> 01:15:59,439 Speaker 1: fix it, you literally demean someone else. Because I do 1381 01:15:59,760 --> 01:16:02,920 Speaker 1: know that she has the ability to move through this. 1382 01:16:03,200 --> 01:16:05,360 Speaker 1: And so the way that I love thinking about support 1383 01:16:05,479 --> 01:16:07,840 Speaker 1: is this way. The next time you have somebody in 1384 01:16:07,880 --> 01:16:11,320 Speaker 1: your life who is truly struggling, whether it's in school, 1385 01:16:11,479 --> 01:16:14,040 Speaker 1: or in relationships or with an addiction, I want you 1386 01:16:14,120 --> 01:16:19,560 Speaker 1: to think, how can I create an environment that supports 1387 01:16:20,320 --> 01:16:25,200 Speaker 1: their healing, not stepping in and doing it. It's rarely 1388 01:16:25,240 --> 01:16:27,800 Speaker 1: an issue of will like It's not willpower for people 1389 01:16:28,000 --> 01:16:31,400 Speaker 1: or the desire. It's actually more about skill and the 1390 01:16:31,479 --> 01:16:34,439 Speaker 1: ability and need to process things and do it on 1391 01:16:34,520 --> 01:16:38,599 Speaker 1: their own timeline. So how can you create an environment 1392 01:16:38,680 --> 01:16:41,200 Speaker 1: for that to happen? And for me, it meant removing 1393 01:16:41,640 --> 01:16:44,640 Speaker 1: any imagery. It meant letting her stay up in her 1394 01:16:44,680 --> 01:16:46,720 Speaker 1: bedroom and every once in a while knocking on the 1395 01:16:46,760 --> 01:16:49,799 Speaker 1: door and being like, do you need anything, and allowing 1396 01:16:49,840 --> 01:16:52,080 Speaker 1: her to be in her pajamas for four days and 1397 01:16:52,200 --> 01:16:54,720 Speaker 1: be in a depressive state, because guess what, being in 1398 01:16:54,760 --> 01:16:57,400 Speaker 1: a depressive state and falling on the floor and crying, 1399 01:16:58,200 --> 01:17:01,960 Speaker 1: it's a sign she's mentally well, that's what you do. 1400 01:17:02,880 --> 01:17:07,080 Speaker 1: It's a sign that you're okay. Yes, it would be 1401 01:17:07,160 --> 01:17:12,200 Speaker 1: scary if she wasn't feeling anything, And then when you're ready, 1402 01:17:12,680 --> 01:17:14,200 Speaker 1: you kind of put your arm around people and say 1403 01:17:14,200 --> 01:17:17,360 Speaker 1: how can you do this? When she was born, actually sawyer, 1404 01:17:18,320 --> 01:17:21,120 Speaker 1: I had severe postpartum depression. Jay I had a very 1405 01:17:21,200 --> 01:17:25,040 Speaker 1: traumatic delivery, lost a lot of blood, and I just 1406 01:17:25,280 --> 01:17:28,200 Speaker 1: was so out of it that they put me on 1407 01:17:28,320 --> 01:17:31,080 Speaker 1: these drugs that turned me into a zombie. I couldn't breastfeeder. 1408 01:17:31,120 --> 01:17:33,280 Speaker 1: I wasn't allowed to be alone with her. I missed 1409 01:17:33,320 --> 01:17:34,960 Speaker 1: the first three and a half months of her life, 1410 01:17:36,040 --> 01:17:42,240 Speaker 1: and nobody asked me if I needed help. They showed 1411 01:17:42,360 --> 01:17:46,120 Speaker 1: up and created an environment where I could get better. 1412 01:17:47,040 --> 01:17:49,280 Speaker 1: I had my parents drive out and just stay and 1413 01:17:49,360 --> 01:17:51,200 Speaker 1: they just did laundry and they cleaned and they did 1414 01:17:51,280 --> 01:17:55,360 Speaker 1: what needed to be done. And people who are struggling, 1415 01:17:55,960 --> 01:17:59,320 Speaker 1: they don't even know what they need, and so don't 1416 01:17:59,400 --> 01:18:03,200 Speaker 1: ask somebody what you can do. Find something you can do. 1417 01:18:04,520 --> 01:18:08,719 Speaker 1: Show up with the meal, walk into your brother's bedroom 1418 01:18:09,080 --> 01:18:11,760 Speaker 1: and pull open the curtains in the morning when he's 1419 01:18:11,760 --> 01:18:14,880 Speaker 1: struggling with depressions so the sunlight comes in. Create a 1420 01:18:14,960 --> 01:18:18,680 Speaker 1: playlist for somebody pick him up. Like, don't say you 1421 01:18:18,760 --> 01:18:20,320 Speaker 1: want to meet at yoga. Say here's what we're going 1422 01:18:20,400 --> 01:18:22,160 Speaker 1: to do. I'm going to come over on Saturday and 1423 01:18:22,240 --> 01:18:23,640 Speaker 1: pick you up and we're going to go to that 1424 01:18:23,760 --> 01:18:26,360 Speaker 1: yoga class. Or I'm going to come over on Sunday 1425 01:18:26,400 --> 01:18:28,040 Speaker 1: and I'm going to watch the kids and the dog 1426 01:18:28,560 --> 01:18:29,960 Speaker 1: so you can go to the park and read a 1427 01:18:30,000 --> 01:18:33,760 Speaker 1: book for two hours. That's how you create an environment 1428 01:18:34,560 --> 01:18:37,559 Speaker 1: for someone else to get better. And the other way 1429 01:18:37,600 --> 01:18:41,080 Speaker 1: that you do it is instead of judging, you're going 1430 01:18:41,160 --> 01:18:43,320 Speaker 1: to let them be who they are. You're going to 1431 01:18:43,400 --> 01:18:46,040 Speaker 1: let them struggle, and then you're going to use this 1432 01:18:46,240 --> 01:18:50,400 Speaker 1: technique that's incredibly effective. I labeled at the ABC so 1433 01:18:50,520 --> 01:18:53,120 Speaker 1: that I can remember it. First, you're going to apologize, 1434 01:18:53,439 --> 01:18:55,240 Speaker 1: so let's talk about like, this is an issue I 1435 01:18:55,280 --> 01:18:58,240 Speaker 1: had with our son. He didn't seem motivated, so I 1436 01:18:58,280 --> 01:19:00,800 Speaker 1: would constantly be like why aren't you motivated? Why don't 1437 01:19:00,800 --> 01:19:04,160 Speaker 1: you study hard? Why are you doing this? It didn't work? 1438 01:19:04,520 --> 01:19:05,400 Speaker 2: Yeah, it doesn't work. 1439 01:19:05,560 --> 01:19:10,920 Speaker 1: No, And so I finally A you're going to apologize, 1440 01:19:11,000 --> 01:19:14,280 Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I'm pressuring you, I'm sorry, I'm questioning you. 1441 01:19:15,240 --> 01:19:17,479 Speaker 1: And then A you're going to ask an open ended question, 1442 01:19:18,320 --> 01:19:22,160 Speaker 1: how do you feel about this issue? And it doesn't 1443 01:19:22,200 --> 01:19:25,360 Speaker 1: matter what they say, because you're probably asking for the 1444 01:19:25,439 --> 01:19:28,960 Speaker 1: first time how they actually feel about the issue. And 1445 01:19:29,040 --> 01:19:30,920 Speaker 1: then you're going to ask a really important question. You're 1446 01:19:30,920 --> 01:19:32,640 Speaker 1: going to ask what would you like to do about it? 1447 01:19:32,680 --> 01:19:35,880 Speaker 1: If anything? And their answers don't matter because what you're 1448 01:19:35,920 --> 01:19:39,160 Speaker 1: doing by apologizing is you're removing the pressure that you're bringing. 1449 01:19:40,120 --> 01:19:42,080 Speaker 1: And now by asking these questions, and I like to 1450 01:19:42,160 --> 01:19:45,640 Speaker 1: do this in a car Jay because they're trapped and 1451 01:19:46,439 --> 01:19:50,000 Speaker 1: because you're both looking ahead, so it's not as confrontational, 1452 01:19:50,520 --> 01:19:53,280 Speaker 1: and there's something in the science around forward ambulation and 1453 01:19:53,320 --> 01:19:58,519 Speaker 1: the movement that actually opens up your thinking. And then 1454 01:19:58,600 --> 01:20:01,640 Speaker 1: you ask, you know, what do you want to do 1455 01:20:01,760 --> 01:20:05,280 Speaker 1: about it? If anything? And what happens is you're now 1456 01:20:06,280 --> 01:20:09,439 Speaker 1: revealing this tension because people that are stuck know it, 1457 01:20:09,920 --> 01:20:11,960 Speaker 1: people that are struggling know it. People who are failing 1458 01:20:12,000 --> 01:20:14,960 Speaker 1: at school know it. Nobody wants to fail. It's not 1459 01:20:15,080 --> 01:20:18,400 Speaker 1: like people are trying to be depressed. It's not like 1460 01:20:18,439 --> 01:20:23,080 Speaker 1: people are trying to be very unhealthy. People know when 1461 01:20:23,600 --> 01:20:25,960 Speaker 1: they're letting themselves go. You don't need to remind them. 1462 01:20:26,920 --> 01:20:28,360 Speaker 1: But have you ever asked them what would you like 1463 01:20:28,439 --> 01:20:31,880 Speaker 1: to do about this? If anything, what happens in that question, 1464 01:20:31,960 --> 01:20:35,920 Speaker 1: whether they answered or not, is that friction between what 1465 01:20:36,120 --> 01:20:39,640 Speaker 1: they know to be true about what they desire and 1466 01:20:39,760 --> 01:20:44,440 Speaker 1: where they actually are rises up. That is the organizing 1467 01:20:45,400 --> 01:20:50,599 Speaker 1: intrinsic motivation that somebody needs to want to do better. 1468 01:20:51,760 --> 01:20:54,360 Speaker 1: And then you've got to do beat back off. That's 1469 01:20:54,400 --> 01:20:56,479 Speaker 1: the hard part. Let them, let them, let them, let them, 1470 01:20:56,680 --> 01:20:58,760 Speaker 1: let me shut up, let them, let them, let me 1471 01:20:58,840 --> 01:21:03,400 Speaker 1: not rollin eyes, let me. And people need space to 1472 01:21:03,520 --> 01:21:05,120 Speaker 1: have it be their idea. And I'll give you a 1473 01:21:05,200 --> 01:21:07,160 Speaker 1: quick example. I used to be the kind of person 1474 01:21:07,200 --> 01:21:09,679 Speaker 1: that would eat like they would eat lunch and work 1475 01:21:09,720 --> 01:21:11,559 Speaker 1: on my computer and like tapping on my computer, shoving 1476 01:21:11,600 --> 01:21:14,320 Speaker 1: a sandwich on my throat right. And there would be 1477 01:21:14,400 --> 01:21:16,120 Speaker 1: this colleague that would stand up and go for a 1478 01:21:16,160 --> 01:21:19,720 Speaker 1: walk most days, and every time she came back she'd 1479 01:21:19,800 --> 01:21:21,200 Speaker 1: have a smile on her face, and she take her 1480 01:21:21,200 --> 01:21:23,920 Speaker 1: earbuds off, and she'd then get back to work. And 1481 01:21:24,080 --> 01:21:27,040 Speaker 1: this would go on for weeks, and then finally one day, Jay, 1482 01:21:28,000 --> 01:21:30,680 Speaker 1: I look up outside and it's a nice day, and 1483 01:21:30,800 --> 01:21:32,639 Speaker 1: I think, I think I'm gonna go for a walk. 1484 01:21:33,320 --> 01:21:37,120 Speaker 1: Now here's the interesting thing. I didn't credit her. I 1485 01:21:37,160 --> 01:21:42,400 Speaker 1: thought it was my idea. Her example influenced my desire 1486 01:21:42,439 --> 01:21:44,920 Speaker 1: to do it. The people that you are close to 1487 01:21:45,479 --> 01:21:48,479 Speaker 1: need enough distance from you. This is why you have 1488 01:21:48,600 --> 01:21:53,960 Speaker 1: to back off for that friction, Yeah, and that stirring 1489 01:21:54,400 --> 01:21:58,639 Speaker 1: to sit with them in order for them to feel safe, 1490 01:21:59,520 --> 01:22:02,599 Speaker 1: to be able to take the step forward. And then 1491 01:22:02,640 --> 01:22:05,000 Speaker 1: you better keep back and off because you do not 1492 01:22:05,080 --> 01:22:06,639 Speaker 1: want to be like, oh I saw you in mentor 1493 01:22:06,640 --> 01:22:09,160 Speaker 1: in your tet, like that's going to no. And so 1494 01:22:09,280 --> 01:22:12,840 Speaker 1: you keep going let them. And then the sea part 1495 01:22:13,200 --> 01:22:16,280 Speaker 1: is any small thing, you celebrate it in a non 1496 01:22:16,360 --> 01:22:21,640 Speaker 1: passive aggressive way, and you actually model the change. You 1497 01:22:21,760 --> 01:22:23,960 Speaker 1: can't ask somebody to stop drinking while you're pouring yourself 1498 01:22:23,960 --> 01:22:26,120 Speaker 1: a glass of wine, for sure. You can't ask somebody 1499 01:22:26,160 --> 01:22:28,040 Speaker 1: else to get healthy if you're sitting on the couch 1500 01:22:28,080 --> 01:22:31,160 Speaker 1: eating chips. So you model the change and make it easy, 1501 01:22:31,360 --> 01:22:34,640 Speaker 1: just like my colleague did with the Walk, and just 1502 01:22:34,760 --> 01:22:36,880 Speaker 1: like you and I constantly buy things online because it 1503 01:22:36,920 --> 01:22:41,400 Speaker 1: looks so easy and fun. Your behavior in backing off 1504 01:22:41,560 --> 01:22:44,680 Speaker 1: and that tension inside them actually creates the space for 1505 01:22:44,840 --> 01:22:49,400 Speaker 1: somebody to truly want to change, and that's how it's 1506 01:22:49,439 --> 01:22:50,280 Speaker 1: done well. 1507 01:22:50,400 --> 01:22:53,599 Speaker 2: I want to thank you so deeply for writing this book. 1508 01:22:54,720 --> 01:22:58,439 Speaker 2: They Let Them theory a life changing tool that millions 1509 01:22:58,479 --> 01:23:02,000 Speaker 2: of people can stop talking about it. It's true, Mel 1510 01:23:02,080 --> 01:23:04,559 Speaker 2: I've learned so much from you today, honestly, and you've 1511 01:23:05,280 --> 01:23:06,800 Speaker 2: connected so many dots to me. I know I'm going 1512 01:23:06,840 --> 01:23:08,560 Speaker 2: to be recommending this book to so many people in 1513 01:23:08,640 --> 01:23:10,680 Speaker 2: my life because I really believe it's the thing that's 1514 01:23:10,720 --> 01:23:12,560 Speaker 2: holding them back. Yeah, I want to thank you for 1515 01:23:12,640 --> 01:23:14,120 Speaker 2: writing it. I want to thank you for pouring your 1516 01:23:14,160 --> 01:23:15,560 Speaker 2: heart into it. I want to thank you for just 1517 01:23:16,000 --> 01:23:18,960 Speaker 2: showing up so brilliantly and emphatically today as you always do. 1518 01:23:19,800 --> 01:23:21,960 Speaker 2: And I'm just so grateful to call you a friend 1519 01:23:22,080 --> 01:23:24,720 Speaker 2: and grateful to know you in this journey called life, 1520 01:23:24,800 --> 01:23:29,679 Speaker 2: and genuinely so thankful that you're constantly trying to find 1521 01:23:29,800 --> 01:23:33,320 Speaker 2: really simple, practical tools that all of us can apply 1522 01:23:33,400 --> 01:23:35,120 Speaker 2: in our lives to make it easier and make it 1523 01:23:35,200 --> 01:23:39,120 Speaker 2: a bit more livable, but also thrive. So thank you 1524 01:23:39,240 --> 01:23:40,000 Speaker 2: so much. Truly. 1525 01:23:40,240 --> 01:23:41,800 Speaker 1: Well, I'm not as smart as you, Jay, so I 1526 01:23:41,840 --> 01:23:44,160 Speaker 1: can't do the intellectual stuff. I gotta find simple things. 1527 01:23:44,240 --> 01:23:44,719 Speaker 2: You'd agree. 1528 01:23:44,960 --> 01:23:46,719 Speaker 1: Well, you know, I have to tell you I really 1529 01:23:47,160 --> 01:23:51,759 Speaker 1: appreciate simple and beautiful and I truly accept and feel 1530 01:23:52,600 --> 01:23:59,880 Speaker 1: how heartfelt and honest those words are. Because this is 1531 01:24:00,439 --> 01:24:01,439 Speaker 1: I think my legacy. 1532 01:24:02,960 --> 01:24:03,160 Speaker 2: I do. 1533 01:24:03,960 --> 01:24:07,040 Speaker 1: I think that this is the thing I was supposed 1534 01:24:07,080 --> 01:24:09,120 Speaker 1: to figure out and leave the world. 1535 01:24:10,040 --> 01:24:13,479 Speaker 2: I believe it too. Thank you, Thank you the best. 1536 01:24:15,400 --> 01:24:18,400 Speaker 2: If you love this episode, you'll love my interview with 1537 01:24:18,560 --> 01:24:22,800 Speaker 2: doctor Gabo Matte on understanding your trauma and how to 1538 01:24:22,920 --> 01:24:26,519 Speaker 2: heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past. 1539 01:24:26,880 --> 01:24:29,479 Speaker 1: Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable. So a 1540 01:24:29,760 --> 01:24:31,920 Speaker 1: tree doesn't go o where it's hard and thick, does it. 1541 01:24:32,000 --> 01:24:34,320 Speaker 1: It goes where it's soft and green and vulnerable.