1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:35,560 Speaker 1: Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional profession. Hey, 2 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:37,879 Speaker 1: Professional home Girls is the kid of a name from 3 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:40,599 Speaker 1: the PSD podcast, the only place where you would hear 4 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:43,839 Speaker 1: interviews from black women an honestly on stories that will 5 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:46,839 Speaker 1: enlighten and expand on taboo topics. Now, if you hear 6 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,920 Speaker 1: someone that sounds familiar, mind the business that pays you child. 7 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:53,120 Speaker 1: If you like the PhD podcast, please rate, review and 8 00:00:53,159 --> 00:00:57,200 Speaker 1: subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Please five star reviews only hold 9 00:00:57,200 --> 00:01:00,200 Speaker 1: me down, don't hold me up. Merchants now enveloped on 10 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:02,280 Speaker 1: the site as well as my book list, so please 11 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:04,320 Speaker 1: make sure you visit the link in the show notes below. 12 00:01:04,959 --> 00:01:06,920 Speaker 1: You can connect with the kid on Instagram at the 13 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:10,399 Speaker 1: Professional home Girl and at the PhD podcast. If you 14 00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:14,240 Speaker 1: are on Twitter, please follow me at the PhD podcast Now. 15 00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:16,360 Speaker 1: If you are all caught up with episode, listen to 16 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:19,679 Speaker 1: the bonus episodes by supporting the PSD podcast Patreon account. 17 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:24,639 Speaker 1: To support, please visit www dot patreon dot com. Forward 18 00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:28,160 Speaker 1: slash the PSD podcast now. Please keep in mind that 19 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,360 Speaker 1: all of my guests are Annes. So let's again this 20 00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:34,280 Speaker 1: week's episode. So how important is it to make sure 21 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:36,840 Speaker 1: that you don't lose yourself doing this journey, because I 22 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:39,320 Speaker 1: feel like it could be so easy, especially if you're 23 00:01:39,319 --> 00:01:43,000 Speaker 1: a mom. Oh, it is extremely important. That is the 24 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:47,200 Speaker 1: most important thing, the most important thing, because once you 25 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:50,360 Speaker 1: get lost you, that's when you started, you know, really 26 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:54,080 Speaker 1: going downhill, right, because you you have to get clear 27 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:57,280 Speaker 1: on and if you're not clear, that's the first step. 28 00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:00,200 Speaker 1: Get clear on who you are, what your values are, 29 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:04,360 Speaker 1: because one that's gonna help determine whether or not this 30 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,360 Speaker 1: relationship is gonna work for you. Because if you value 31 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:10,880 Speaker 1: certain things that are just impossible to do with someone's 32 00:02:10,919 --> 00:02:14,200 Speaker 1: in cars rated, then you know that's gonna be You 33 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:19,600 Speaker 1: gotta weigh that in um and I always say that 34 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:24,080 Speaker 1: you have to be your own person. You you can't 35 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:29,000 Speaker 1: support somebody else during their lowest time in life if 36 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:34,240 Speaker 1: you don't have yourself together, and you know, losing your 37 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:37,840 Speaker 1: identity in the process is going to really lead to 38 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:44,640 Speaker 1: you getting depressed, feeling stuck in life. And then at 39 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:47,799 Speaker 1: some point what's gonna happen is you're gonna resent the relationship, 40 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:54,440 Speaker 1: You're gonna regret even being in a relationship, and then 41 00:02:54,480 --> 00:03:00,200 Speaker 1: you'renna look back on the ten thirty plus you is 42 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:03,800 Speaker 1: that you didn't put in with this man and say, damn, 43 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:10,400 Speaker 1: what did I do for me? Facts? What did I do? 44 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:14,200 Speaker 1: Did I even put an effort in time into achieving 45 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:17,160 Speaker 1: my own goals? Child? I feel like you preaching the 46 00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:19,080 Speaker 1: world even if you're Nigga nine in jail. This is 47 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:23,360 Speaker 1: for every woman. I'm yeah, you're absolutely right, You're right, 48 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:29,400 Speaker 1: you can't and and people, Yeah, you gotta understand it 49 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:31,560 Speaker 1: has nothing to do with the person being in prison. 50 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:34,400 Speaker 1: You make a good point because you should be doing 51 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:37,680 Speaker 1: this regardless. And I'm wouna tell you there's bad relationships 52 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:41,920 Speaker 1: in prison, just like there's bad relationships outside of prison. 53 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:46,080 Speaker 1: It is no different. You can find a good man 54 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,720 Speaker 1: in prison or out of prison, or a bad man 55 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:53,720 Speaker 1: in prison and bad man. It's the same. And sometimes 56 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:56,640 Speaker 1: we lose focus on the fact just because they're in prison. No, 57 00:03:57,360 --> 00:04:02,640 Speaker 1: you know, you still gotta uphold the same standards as 58 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,840 Speaker 1: if you were right. But if it was a two free, 59 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:10,680 Speaker 1: free world people. Mm hmm. And you also talked about 60 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:12,800 Speaker 1: the transition you made when it came to change your 61 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:16,200 Speaker 1: your mindset and how your son influence you to do 62 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,919 Speaker 1: it because you looked at him one day and you 63 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:22,880 Speaker 1: saw that he was like he looked stressed out. Yeah, 64 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:25,840 Speaker 1: I had a realization and I saw him standing there. 65 00:04:25,839 --> 00:04:28,159 Speaker 1: He was only two years old, and he looked like 66 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:31,200 Speaker 1: he had the world on the shoulders. It was, it was, 67 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:34,159 Speaker 1: it happened so fast for me. It wasn't that split 68 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:37,719 Speaker 1: second that I realized that I was potentially ruining the 69 00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:41,279 Speaker 1: future of my my son. And the way I viewed 70 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:43,960 Speaker 1: it is that I'm a single mother or he has 71 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:47,760 Speaker 1: a single mom. He's black, he's a black male, he 72 00:04:47,839 --> 00:04:50,680 Speaker 1: has an incarcerated father. He's in Baltimore City, one of 73 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,440 Speaker 1: the worst school systems in the country. And I'm like, 74 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:57,400 Speaker 1: if I and Harry's got depressed mother, what am I 75 00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:00,520 Speaker 1: setting him up for? And I had all these thoughts 76 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,120 Speaker 1: that literally, let's the second all these things came in 77 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:06,520 Speaker 1: my head, and it was like instantaneous, like if I 78 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:09,479 Speaker 1: don't get myself together, I'm rooting the future of my 79 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,880 Speaker 1: children and that and literally that is what That was 80 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:17,080 Speaker 1: the starting point for me um getting getting on track. 81 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,640 Speaker 1: And the first thing I did was I changed my 82 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:25,520 Speaker 1: radio station. You know you always say that. I think 83 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:28,080 Speaker 1: that's important because people think that you have to do 84 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:32,359 Speaker 1: this big, monumentous thing to change your life and It 85 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,840 Speaker 1: literally just started with me changing my radio station. I 86 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:40,320 Speaker 1: was changing my environment. That's all I was doing. It 87 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:43,039 Speaker 1: was a simple thing. Boop. I started listening to like 88 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:46,920 Speaker 1: it was like a gospel contemporary Christian channel. It was enough. 89 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,880 Speaker 1: I was spewing positive messages in my head all day, 90 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:53,359 Speaker 1: all day. That was what I was doing. I was 91 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:58,040 Speaker 1: changing my mindset. I was taking off the radar. You know, 92 00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,400 Speaker 1: I shot so and so and you know, and you 93 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:02,760 Speaker 1: know made this bad man. I met this bad bitch. 94 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:08,719 Speaker 1: Like no, it's a fact, yo, would you put in 95 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:15,280 Speaker 1: you like? It matters? So now I'm super focused on 96 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:20,200 Speaker 1: knowing that things will be okay. I'm super focused on, uh, 97 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:23,080 Speaker 1: looking at things that are teaching me how to get 98 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:27,640 Speaker 1: out of that depressed you know space. I blinded myself 99 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:31,640 Speaker 1: to everything else, so I put myself in a bubble. 100 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:34,359 Speaker 1: That's what I did. And that was just with that 101 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:37,680 Speaker 1: one change is how it started. What are some other 102 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:41,320 Speaker 1: things you did on your self care journey? Oh? I 103 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:46,320 Speaker 1: hire some mentors like Les Robbins, not not financially but 104 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:51,360 Speaker 1: on YouTube. You know, um Tony Robbins. You know, they 105 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,800 Speaker 1: were my best friends, even though they didn't know me. 106 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:56,520 Speaker 1: You know, all I did all, you know, when I 107 00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:59,480 Speaker 1: wasn't listening to the radio, I lived on YouTube University, 108 00:07:00,279 --> 00:07:03,000 Speaker 1: when I was watching the dishes, sometimes when I was 109 00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:12,440 Speaker 1: driving right, like every spare moment was spent on YouTube. Yes, 110 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,840 Speaker 1: for free. They were my like I had, like you 111 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:18,240 Speaker 1: know they say, like the if you look at who 112 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,560 Speaker 1: your five closest people are in your life, that kind 113 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,800 Speaker 1: of gives you an idea of you know where you're heading. 114 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:29,640 Speaker 1: So I had some celebrity superstar best friends, and that 115 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,400 Speaker 1: is what I That was one thing I did um 116 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:35,040 Speaker 1: being careful about who I spoke to, who I spent 117 00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:39,480 Speaker 1: my time with. Yo. I don't think the neighbors harely 118 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:44,000 Speaker 1: even saw me facts. All I did was Brian That's 119 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:47,200 Speaker 1: all I did. I was out of the house by five, 120 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,800 Speaker 1: five o'clock. I didn't get home probably about nine, well, no, 121 00:07:50,960 --> 00:08:01,120 Speaker 1: maybe eight ish. You know, I I focused on um, 122 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:03,559 Speaker 1: not task, but I focused on things that are moving 123 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:07,720 Speaker 1: me in the direction of being happier. Mm hmm. So 124 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:11,880 Speaker 1: if I knew it was going to contribute to me 125 00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:16,200 Speaker 1: being happy, I focused on it and didn't really worry 126 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:19,800 Speaker 1: about how it was gonna happen. So just answer your question, 127 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:22,480 Speaker 1: just changing your changing my environment so what I was 128 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:26,600 Speaker 1: listening to, what I was seeing while speaking to and anything, 129 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:31,360 Speaker 1: you know along that avenue. So now that your husband 130 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:37,640 Speaker 1: it's home, how has that been? O? Lord? It just 131 00:08:37,679 --> 00:08:40,400 Speaker 1: depends on what months you're talking about. Now you're talking 132 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:43,000 Speaker 1: about the first month, the third month, a year later, 133 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:46,840 Speaker 1: because it's been so many transitions. Well, he's been awful. 134 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:49,480 Speaker 1: What two years now? Yep, two years? He just passes 135 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:55,240 Speaker 1: to your anniversary. Now if you're talking about day one, 136 00:08:55,480 --> 00:09:02,120 Speaker 1: we're talking. We're thinking Nancy stuff. So you know that 137 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:06,640 Speaker 1: that the you know, the initial homecoming. Yeah, it's wonderful. 138 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,959 Speaker 1: And he was like a deer in headlights if you 139 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:14,840 Speaker 1: asked me, because he's just like like the whole New world. Literally, 140 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:19,160 Speaker 1: but let me tell you that quickly declined and I 141 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:25,800 Speaker 1: do mean quickly because reality sits in real fast. So 142 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,400 Speaker 1: he kind of went to his shell, his dark place, 143 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:31,640 Speaker 1: where as he said, he was dealing with demons. And 144 00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:34,640 Speaker 1: I was already prepaired for him not to work. As 145 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,319 Speaker 1: a matter of fact, I didn't want him to work 146 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:38,800 Speaker 1: because I knew that he was going to need time 147 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:42,320 Speaker 1: to impair mentally. So we had that stage where you know, 148 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:46,000 Speaker 1: it was cool and then um at some and he 149 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:51,760 Speaker 1: was like exercising and reading. He had a regiment and 150 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:57,160 Speaker 1: I loved it that that dissipated blew up. And then 151 00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:02,840 Speaker 1: at some point he started closet thanking mm hmm, and 152 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:09,320 Speaker 1: you know smoking and stuff, um um cigarettes, he know, 153 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:13,800 Speaker 1: I'm sure he was doing He was doing that too though, um. 154 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:16,120 Speaker 1: But it was more like the hiding things. And then 155 00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:19,040 Speaker 1: I found out he was getting money from an old girlfriend. 156 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:26,400 Speaker 1: Oh no, you you lost your ship, yo, there's nothing 157 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:30,600 Speaker 1: look when a woman look, man, I will expand every 158 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:33,439 Speaker 1: resource to get down to the truth. I don't. I 159 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:35,240 Speaker 1: don't know if you've ever been in that situation, but 160 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:37,839 Speaker 1: you turned into the best detectively you ever the city 161 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:43,680 Speaker 1: has ever found. Right, But it is it takes so 162 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:48,280 Speaker 1: much energy and like time to I could not go 163 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:54,280 Speaker 1: to sleep because through every text, email and whatever else 164 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:59,560 Speaker 1: platform you want it too. Look, oh wow, and and 165 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:02,160 Speaker 1: then s you up my husband probably laughing. He was here. 166 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:06,000 Speaker 1: I had his suitcase packed at the door. But do 167 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:08,840 Speaker 1: you feel like if I'm playing Devil's advocate, which I 168 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:10,800 Speaker 1: don't agree with what he did, or what if somebody 169 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:12,080 Speaker 1: to do that in a relationship, But do you think 170 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:14,440 Speaker 1: he was doing that to show that he can still 171 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:19,440 Speaker 1: provide in a sense. No, oh, you think he was 172 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:21,040 Speaker 1: just doing that because she was just giving him money. 173 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:25,400 Speaker 1: He was, um, you know, asking this question to me 174 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:30,120 Speaker 1: now is from not being in it, because I'm looking 175 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:33,280 Speaker 1: back on it. He didn't have money for saying that 176 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:35,960 Speaker 1: he was bringing him in himself, That's what I'm saying. 177 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:41,280 Speaker 1: But because when he got home, you created this amazing 178 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:44,680 Speaker 1: life for y'all, for your family, So I can only 179 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:47,400 Speaker 1: imagine how he would feel coming home and he's not 180 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:51,560 Speaker 1: able to contribute and granted, and think of him asking 181 00:11:51,559 --> 00:11:54,440 Speaker 1: me for money to go buy a bottle liquor. He 182 00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:57,520 Speaker 1: knows what my response is gonna be exactly what you mean, 183 00:11:57,559 --> 00:12:01,680 Speaker 1: looking for what you so? And then that's me and 184 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:03,600 Speaker 1: that's me. I mean somebody as probably would have been 185 00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:06,160 Speaker 1: like sure, but he just knows how I am right, 186 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:11,320 Speaker 1: especially because I'm a non drinker, m you know so, 187 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:14,920 Speaker 1: And I don't want to enable him and put him 188 00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:19,280 Speaker 1: in that space. But this other woman who was who wanting, 189 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:22,839 Speaker 1: who's wanting his attention, is willing to do that. And 190 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:25,600 Speaker 1: I found out that, you know, he was still and 191 00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:28,000 Speaker 1: for now. Some women have different opinions on this topic, 192 00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:30,320 Speaker 1: like for me, I know, I don't like if you're 193 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:34,160 Speaker 1: getting money from other women that no, no, And then 194 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,440 Speaker 1: and people differ, people differ on this topic, you know, 195 00:12:36,559 --> 00:12:40,280 Speaker 1: But for me, no, I was I was like heartbroken 196 00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,720 Speaker 1: to find out everything that was happening behind my back. 197 00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:48,880 Speaker 1: I was heartbroken, like it was the hiding in the 198 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:53,720 Speaker 1: in the like yeah, and who in the person that 199 00:12:53,760 --> 00:13:01,120 Speaker 1: I was with yo, and that that was probably the 200 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:06,000 Speaker 1: catalyst to us going downhill. The point when you asked 201 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:10,400 Speaker 1: me earlier, had I ever thought about leaving him? Yes, um, 202 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,920 Speaker 1: because it got that bad, you know, And I was like, 203 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,840 Speaker 1: I don't know, I don't like. And I was pregnant 204 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:22,319 Speaker 1: mm hmmm um. And I think honestly, the pregnancy probably 205 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:27,920 Speaker 1: saved us from really destroying each other because my stress 206 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:33,480 Speaker 1: level was so high. I said, I cannot do this 207 00:13:33,559 --> 00:13:38,000 Speaker 1: with you. I cannot. We need to talk to each 208 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:42,320 Speaker 1: other in a way that allows me to feel like 209 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:47,160 Speaker 1: I can healthily carry this baby because I went through 210 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,880 Speaker 1: that during the second pregnancy without him. And I said, I, 211 00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:53,680 Speaker 1: I Lord, I feel like every time I got pregnant 212 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:58,960 Speaker 1: something bad happening. It's like damn, yeah. I literally like 213 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,400 Speaker 1: why when you got locked up and I was pregnant. 214 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,480 Speaker 1: I thought I was gonna have a miscarriage because my 215 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:06,640 Speaker 1: I was so stressed out. I was so worried. Mm hmm. 216 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:10,480 Speaker 1: Which is where my son got his name from nights 217 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:14,920 Speaker 1: God is protecting him. There's a Bible verse Ehesians. Oh 218 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,160 Speaker 1: my God, don't I forget this. It's a three nineteen. 219 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:20,840 Speaker 1: I can't remember how that's not wrong. The talks about 220 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:27,680 Speaker 1: putting your armor, putting your arm around you, you know God. Right. So, 221 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:30,560 Speaker 1: and I was so afraid of having a miscarriage that, 222 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:33,320 Speaker 1: you know, the name came to me night. He's protected 223 00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:36,040 Speaker 1: by God, and he's also gonna be a night, you know, 224 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:39,400 Speaker 1: a night for God. But and it gave me comfort 225 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:43,720 Speaker 1: knowing you know that he was gonna be okay. But yeah, 226 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:46,120 Speaker 1: and that's like he came home. I was like, Noah again, 227 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:51,560 Speaker 1: right right, So, what did forgiveness look like? Because forgiveness 228 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:58,960 Speaker 1: look like wow? Mhm. What does forgiveness look like? Wow? 229 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:05,280 Speaker 1: She forgave him. I guess the ultimate answer would be yes, 230 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:13,920 Speaker 1: because I hold no resentment, I hold no anger. Um. 231 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:19,080 Speaker 1: I even before he came home, I even made a 232 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:22,240 Speaker 1: decision that I was not going to braid him about 233 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:26,120 Speaker 1: the events that transpired that landed him in prison because 234 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,240 Speaker 1: for me to dwell on that, I know would have 235 00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:34,360 Speaker 1: held up my relationship. Um, So forgiveness one is a 236 00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:39,080 Speaker 1: choice and you hear all the time and forgiveness is 237 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:42,280 Speaker 1: not for that, not for them, it's turn you and I. 238 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:45,080 Speaker 1: But it's so true because when you don't forgive, it 239 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:48,560 Speaker 1: WANs in your own health. Mm hmm. And the most 240 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:54,960 Speaker 1: important valuable that I have is my help. So not 241 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:58,040 Speaker 1: that I'm thinking about does he deserve to be forgiven? 242 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:03,760 Speaker 1: But uh, I think too if he's taking action to 243 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:09,040 Speaker 1: show me that he's not going to make the same 244 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:12,720 Speaker 1: mistake twice, or he's not gonna you know that he's 245 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:15,760 Speaker 1: regretful for anything, or you know, if he's moving in 246 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:19,280 Speaker 1: a way that shows me that he's getting better, making it, 247 00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:25,400 Speaker 1: making an attempt to get better for me, that's enough. Now, 248 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,440 Speaker 1: how long does it take to forgive somebody? That's a 249 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:33,600 Speaker 1: different question, right, But forgiveness is a choice. But forgiveness 250 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:36,200 Speaker 1: doesn't just happen. You know, you have to get to 251 00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:38,040 Speaker 1: the point where you say, all right, I'm letting it go. 252 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,560 Speaker 1: But it's a process to get to that point of 253 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:43,920 Speaker 1: saying I'm done. But when you get to that point, 254 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:47,920 Speaker 1: you're done, right, But the process to get there can 255 00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:52,880 Speaker 1: can take you know, different times from you know, different people. Um. 256 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,360 Speaker 1: But yeah, if you have to make a decision, you 257 00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:59,640 Speaker 1: either want to be there or you don't. Just like 258 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:03,800 Speaker 1: my success when he was gone, Like you know, I 259 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:05,919 Speaker 1: won fitness competition, I want the Dancing with the Stars 260 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:10,600 Speaker 1: competition here in Maryland for Alzheimer's Association. It was I'm 261 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:13,760 Speaker 1: making a decision, I'm gonna win. I never to get 262 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,880 Speaker 1: off track. Who who do you know that was affected 263 00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:22,160 Speaker 1: by Alzheimer's? Um my client this Janet Hughes shout out 264 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:27,920 Speaker 1: her mother. But what happened was when my husband was home, 265 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:34,399 Speaker 1: we volunteered at that event eight years prior, and I 266 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:38,159 Speaker 1: was like, one day, I'm gonna dance in that. No, 267 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:40,560 Speaker 1: that's really dope because I used to do community service 268 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:45,240 Speaker 1: with him because my grandmother was affected by Alzheimer's. Okay, 269 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:47,880 Speaker 1: I didn't know that. Yep, yep, yep, Yes, I thought 270 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:51,800 Speaker 1: that was really dope. Yeah, So it started from prior 271 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:55,920 Speaker 1: when we were dating, and I just made a decision 272 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,760 Speaker 1: that during that time while he was in cars rating 273 00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:01,320 Speaker 1: and I'm gonna go after every single goal thing that 274 00:18:01,359 --> 00:18:04,560 Speaker 1: I said that I wanted to do right and that 275 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:06,600 Speaker 1: it just happened. That just happened to be the time 276 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:10,639 Speaker 1: and what I've learned through the process of all the 277 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:14,639 Speaker 1: things that I want and participated in. It doesn't matter 278 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,880 Speaker 1: what obstacles are in front of you. The only thing 279 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,160 Speaker 1: you need to do is just decide that you're gonna win. 280 00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:22,480 Speaker 1: You don't need to know how to do it. You 281 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:26,000 Speaker 1: just gotta believe it. You just got Yeah, you have 282 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:27,959 Speaker 1: to believe it is possible, but not get caught up 283 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:32,560 Speaker 1: in how it's gonna happen. The how. It's not your problem. 284 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,560 Speaker 1: Leave it up with the Lord. Yeah, the how is 285 00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:38,320 Speaker 1: never your problem. So if you're worried, is only about 286 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:42,040 Speaker 1: the how? Your word, you're focused on the wrong thing. Facts. 287 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:45,040 Speaker 1: M hmm. You have to make a lot of the 288 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:48,399 Speaker 1: adjustments while he was at home or why he was 289 00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:51,040 Speaker 1: while he was preparing for him to come home. I 290 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:58,080 Speaker 1: would say in my body, I'm like, yeah, and I'm 291 00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:02,600 Speaker 1: not not against not not be sarcastic ast you. In 292 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:07,560 Speaker 1: my mind, I view life as like in order to 293 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:13,520 Speaker 1: be successful, life is all about adjustments, right, facts life, 294 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:18,560 Speaker 1: That's what life is like. If I can't adjust, I 295 00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:22,280 Speaker 1: can't win because what what's one thing we do know? 296 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:27,680 Speaker 1: Life always happens, right, Oh, life is going life, all right. 297 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:32,679 Speaker 1: You can't predict what's gonna happen, but you always have 298 00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:38,280 Speaker 1: control over how you respond facts. So if you if 299 00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:41,719 Speaker 1: you're a one trick pony, you ain't gonna make it. 300 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,800 Speaker 1: And you don't have to know everything, but you have 301 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,080 Speaker 1: to at least be willing to do the research and 302 00:19:49,119 --> 00:19:52,760 Speaker 1: put the time and to figure out or try different 303 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:56,719 Speaker 1: things to see what's gonna work. That's all life is 304 00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:59,080 Speaker 1: just like, all right, I'm a gonna do around this 305 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:05,399 Speaker 1: kind of thing. So yes, definitely, of course making adjustments 306 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:08,639 Speaker 1: that's the name of the game. So anyone could do it. 307 00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:12,200 Speaker 1: Mm hmm. So what does some advice you to give 308 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:16,040 Speaker 1: to women who feel like men owed them after prison? 309 00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:22,159 Speaker 1: Oh my god, you was on my page. Huh. I 310 00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:25,159 Speaker 1: ain't gonna life if I'm minding this big with you 311 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,240 Speaker 1: and I'm making sure you're good, you come home and 312 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:31,920 Speaker 1: you you're trying to be funny. Oh no, here's the 313 00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:36,000 Speaker 1: thing that's a that's an assumption that they're trying to 314 00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:39,359 Speaker 1: be funny and just going off how you worded it right, Well, 315 00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:42,480 Speaker 1: let me not make the assumption I caught you out 316 00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:48,520 Speaker 1: here being disrespectful and trying to and I do you 317 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:51,159 Speaker 1: made a good point. I watched to interview yours and 318 00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:54,480 Speaker 1: you said that people are allowed to change, so who 319 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:56,600 Speaker 1: he was when he went in may not always be 320 00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:59,679 Speaker 1: who he is when he can come out. Absolutely, so 321 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:05,080 Speaker 1: I do agree with that. It's a I think people 322 00:21:05,119 --> 00:21:08,040 Speaker 1: get so called up in hearing all the negative stories. 323 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,800 Speaker 1: So number one, if you're caught up on that, you're 324 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:13,920 Speaker 1: never given yourself a chance. And number two, you shouldn't 325 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:19,359 Speaker 1: be in the relationship expecting a kickback, expecting would you 326 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,399 Speaker 1: do you always expect the person to stay with you 327 00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:23,960 Speaker 1: if there if it's not a prison relationship, think about it. 328 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:27,520 Speaker 1: If it's not going right, do you expect him to 329 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:33,600 Speaker 1: stay and drag it out? It's not from them. Why 330 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:35,520 Speaker 1: would you have that same expectation for a man just 331 00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:40,240 Speaker 1: because they came home from prison and in in his 332 00:21:40,359 --> 00:21:46,040 Speaker 1: biggest life transition ever? Like, does that make sense? Right? 333 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,200 Speaker 1: If you look at it from that perspective? What's your 334 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:54,960 Speaker 1: what's your? Your expectation makes no sense? But here's the thing, huh, 335 00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,000 Speaker 1: But you will think this way if you didn't live 336 00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:59,520 Speaker 1: your life, if my husband decides, Hey, they ain't gonna work. 337 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:01,800 Speaker 1: Am I gonna heartwork? And yes, well I regret it. 338 00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:05,040 Speaker 1: Hell now, I look yo, I did not hold back 339 00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:07,760 Speaker 1: a living. He didn't stop me from living my life. 340 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:11,639 Speaker 1: But if you are that person that allowed the situation 341 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:14,000 Speaker 1: to stop you from living your life, you're gonna be 342 00:22:14,119 --> 00:22:16,639 Speaker 1: in that space like you ain't leaving me. I helped. 343 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:19,080 Speaker 1: I spent all this money, took money out of my pocket, 344 00:22:19,119 --> 00:22:22,560 Speaker 1: didn't go on vacation, didn't do this all because I'm supporting. 345 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:24,720 Speaker 1: I supported you. And then you think you're gonna come 346 00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:31,840 Speaker 1: home and leave me. You're like nigga, you at your 347 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:36,879 Speaker 1: rabbit as mine exactly. But that's your fault hold not 348 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:39,600 Speaker 1: to take responsibility for your life, and now you're holding 349 00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:43,960 Speaker 1: him hostage when you're gonna be miserable anyway because the 350 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:46,760 Speaker 1: relationship was never was not meant to be. So what 351 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:48,879 Speaker 1: do you think about if that if the man and 352 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,480 Speaker 1: woman comes to agreement, like listen, I'm doing this bit. 353 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:53,760 Speaker 1: You can do your thing, but when I come home, 354 00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:56,680 Speaker 1: it's us. How do you feel about that? I think 355 00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:58,520 Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong with that if that's what works for 356 00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:01,880 Speaker 1: your two didn't do it? I look I don't ever 357 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:05,720 Speaker 1: impose my beliefs on anybody else then, because at the 358 00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:07,680 Speaker 1: end of the day, it's not more responsibility to tell 359 00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:09,640 Speaker 1: you whether or not the relationships going it should work, 360 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:12,679 Speaker 1: or you if you should even be there, because everyone 361 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:16,840 Speaker 1: has a different idea of what a relationship. Uh, you 362 00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:19,600 Speaker 1: know what that looks like for them, what makes them happy, 363 00:23:20,359 --> 00:23:25,040 Speaker 1: just like success for you looks different to success for me. Right, 364 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:29,040 Speaker 1: So if that's what's gonna make it work for you'all 365 00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:30,919 Speaker 1: two and you're cool with that, then there should be 366 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:34,880 Speaker 1: no problem in my eyes. Right, But do you feel 367 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:37,800 Speaker 1: like prison forces men to get married so they won't 368 00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:42,560 Speaker 1: be alone? Does the way you're worried that question worse 369 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:45,920 Speaker 1: something to get married so they won't be alone? M 370 00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:54,080 Speaker 1: I think, Oh gosh, I'm trying to think how I 371 00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:57,360 Speaker 1: should answer this question because there's so many different variables cities. 372 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:06,359 Speaker 1: I feel like in the order for it's all right, 373 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:10,680 Speaker 1: you've got some relationships where they just want to hook somebody. 374 00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:15,400 Speaker 1: Then there's some relationships where they truly feel a connection 375 00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:18,920 Speaker 1: and they feel like that's the natural step to progress. 376 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:26,439 Speaker 1: But then sometimes I feel like it's rushed because a 377 00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:29,440 Speaker 1: woman may really feel in love with somebody and say, yes, 378 00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:32,000 Speaker 1: oh my god, it's like no relationship I've ever had, 379 00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:37,720 Speaker 1: But they don't understand what's actually happening mentally, why the 380 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:40,720 Speaker 1: relationship is different because he's in prison, because he's super 381 00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:45,040 Speaker 1: focused on you. But I feel like marriage is rushed 382 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:48,800 Speaker 1: because there's certain privilege you can't have, like in California 383 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:51,840 Speaker 1: you can't have conjorible visits or uh, and they'll get 384 00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:54,120 Speaker 1: me wrong. I'm not sure all the laws in every state, 385 00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:57,720 Speaker 1: because in Maryland I don't get conjortiable visinas anyway. So 386 00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:01,920 Speaker 1: I think sometimes marriage is rushed based on the laws 387 00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:06,560 Speaker 1: or the rules surrounding the prison because in my eyes, 388 00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:11,240 Speaker 1: knowing what I know, I don't understand why you would 389 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:15,880 Speaker 1: rush marriage something so serious when you really don't know 390 00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:21,160 Speaker 1: enough about that person. Because now, and I'm thinking from 391 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:23,480 Speaker 1: a perspective, if that person is coming home, everyone's not 392 00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:28,000 Speaker 1: coming home, right. If that person is coming home, I 393 00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:31,360 Speaker 1: don't see why you need to rush marriage, because you 394 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:34,520 Speaker 1: it's gonna be a whole different ball game when they 395 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:37,600 Speaker 1: come home and they have no idea and they really 396 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:40,959 Speaker 1: have not seen or know what he or how he 397 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,480 Speaker 1: operates to thinks in the real world, because he's not 398 00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:48,520 Speaker 1: living in this world he live. The world changes so quick. Yeah, 399 00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:51,360 Speaker 1: Like they don't even they have no idea how much 400 00:25:51,359 --> 00:25:54,439 Speaker 1: they don't know about this man, Like literally have no clue. 401 00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,800 Speaker 1: And even if they didn't know him. Prison changes people 402 00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:03,479 Speaker 1: and it's gonna if they ever change back. I mean, prison, 403 00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:08,280 Speaker 1: you're never the same person coming home right right now? 404 00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:11,920 Speaker 1: If that relationship, if he's in there for life, I mean, granted, 405 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,160 Speaker 1: this is the this is the parameter of your relationship. 406 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:18,880 Speaker 1: That's not gonna change much. Right. So, if you've already 407 00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:21,760 Speaker 1: settled on the fact that you're okay with marrying somebody 408 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,719 Speaker 1: and the fact that this is how it's gonna be, 409 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:29,639 Speaker 1: then okay, you know that. You know, everyone has to 410 00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:31,440 Speaker 1: live their life and do what's gonna do what makes 411 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:39,200 Speaker 1: them happy. Right, So what was the original question you 412 00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:41,960 Speaker 1: search gonna know? Like, because I actually do you feel 413 00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:44,600 Speaker 1: like prison forces meant to get married? But I was 414 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:46,080 Speaker 1: gonna act you, but you kind of touch on this 415 00:26:46,119 --> 00:26:48,920 Speaker 1: as well. I feel like the prison forces the person 416 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:54,159 Speaker 1: at home to get married. Mm hmm. I think I 417 00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:56,920 Speaker 1: feel like they think they have to do that sometimes, right, 418 00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:00,480 Speaker 1: You know, I really want to think more about that 419 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:02,040 Speaker 1: question that you asked, I might have to do a 420 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:06,680 Speaker 1: post about that. Yeah, prison like that. That Yeah, that's 421 00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:09,679 Speaker 1: a good question because I was I don't know if 422 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:11,760 Speaker 1: I was on your page. I went down a rabbit 423 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:16,919 Speaker 1: hole and somebody was saying, how I guess do you 424 00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:19,040 Speaker 1: have to figure out different ways on how to avoid 425 00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:21,240 Speaker 1: inmates that they're trying to use you? Because there are 426 00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:24,880 Speaker 1: some women who, yeah, dating men that's in prison. Oh yeah, 427 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:27,760 Speaker 1: oh yeah, I mean yeah. Now, I I always talk 428 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:33,360 Speaker 1: from the perspective of, you know, repairing and in maintaining 429 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:38,400 Speaker 1: a healthy relationship, but there are a lot of relationships 430 00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:41,720 Speaker 1: and put that in quotations that aren't real right where 431 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:45,800 Speaker 1: women are getting used for just as I just need 432 00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:49,480 Speaker 1: her to get by. And if you are too blind 433 00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:54,080 Speaker 1: or don't understand or see that happening, yeah, you're gonna 434 00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:57,360 Speaker 1: get hurt. And my husband, you know, I would say 435 00:27:57,359 --> 00:27:59,680 Speaker 1: that a lot of relationships were there for beneficial game. 436 00:28:01,359 --> 00:28:04,679 Speaker 1: All of them aren't. And you have some relationships that 437 00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:08,080 Speaker 1: started because for example, I know a woman who was 438 00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:10,640 Speaker 1: volunteering in the prison, working in the prison and end up, 439 00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:14,720 Speaker 1: you know, starting relationship with somebody and they're still together 440 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:19,240 Speaker 1: since he's been home. They say all the niggas in jail, 441 00:28:19,359 --> 00:28:22,440 Speaker 1: all the good ones, the fine ones. I don't know 442 00:28:22,480 --> 00:28:24,240 Speaker 1: if I want to go. I mean, I want to 443 00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:27,160 Speaker 1: fall into that line of thinking. But there are fine 444 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:31,680 Speaker 1: men in prison. Yeah. Prison is just like out here. 445 00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:39,000 Speaker 1: It's just a different location, right, the location. But hearing 446 00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:44,000 Speaker 1: her story, he got he uh got an interest in 447 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:47,040 Speaker 1: her because he heard her speaking and perk him up, Like, 448 00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:51,160 Speaker 1: who was that? So people say, genuine, he wasn't using 449 00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:55,640 Speaker 1: her at all, it was a natural I'm digging that woman. 450 00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:59,280 Speaker 1: I want to get to know her, just like out here. 451 00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:02,280 Speaker 1: But just like in the free world, there's men out 452 00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:05,400 Speaker 1: there looking to use women for sex or whatever maybe 453 00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:09,360 Speaker 1: and they're just stragging them along. They're just in prison 454 00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:13,200 Speaker 1: doing it. It's the same thing, there's no different, but 455 00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:16,360 Speaker 1: there's an added layer to it because for some it's 456 00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:19,880 Speaker 1: for survival. Though so so a lot of women fail 457 00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:22,479 Speaker 1: to realize that a lot of times what they might 458 00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:27,360 Speaker 1: be doing is out of human necessity. Mm hmm. We 459 00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:30,920 Speaker 1: and they don't. People don't talk about this. Every human 460 00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:35,560 Speaker 1: has basic needs, whether it's to feel loved, you know, 461 00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:41,200 Speaker 1: to feel important, having hygiene products, having food, adequate access 462 00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:44,840 Speaker 1: to healthy food. These are basic human needs that they're 463 00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:47,840 Speaker 1: trying to get met because they're trying to survive in prison. 464 00:29:49,160 --> 00:29:51,640 Speaker 1: So we we take this, Yes, you know, it's it's 465 00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:54,280 Speaker 1: hard if you're on the receiving end, but sometimes we 466 00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:56,360 Speaker 1: have to take a step back and think, why are 467 00:29:56,360 --> 00:30:01,240 Speaker 1: they doing this? Why is this happening? There's so many 468 00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:03,680 Speaker 1: things to consider and talk about, and so many layers 469 00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:08,880 Speaker 1: to this, and sometimes, you know, when we fail to 470 00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:10,719 Speaker 1: take a step back and look at the whole picture 471 00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:13,440 Speaker 1: is when we really get If we don't do that, 472 00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:16,520 Speaker 1: we get really angry because we have a full understanding 473 00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:20,760 Speaker 1: of what's going on. And it's important to understand human 474 00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:24,160 Speaker 1: basic needs. If you're going to be in a prison relationship, Yeah, 475 00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:27,000 Speaker 1: he can't come to me talking about our intimacy, this 476 00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:30,880 Speaker 1: our relationship that when the man doesn't even have enough 477 00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:34,960 Speaker 1: food to eat, he could give two cracks about being 478 00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:38,760 Speaker 1: intimate with you if he ain't eating, right, you think 479 00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:42,120 Speaker 1: about that, m hm. So, if if you're in a 480 00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:45,840 Speaker 1: true relationship where both parties want to make it work 481 00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:49,040 Speaker 1: and it's genuine, you need to address this human basic 482 00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:51,760 Speaker 1: needs first. If you're trying to get to the thriving 483 00:30:51,840 --> 00:30:56,120 Speaker 1: relationship stage, it's no different than when I was in 484 00:30:56,200 --> 00:31:00,360 Speaker 1: grad school. I was I was, uh, you know, a 485 00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:02,960 Speaker 1: struggling grad student. You know, I had to take out 486 00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:06,240 Speaker 1: loans to pay my rent. The church led us in 487 00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,920 Speaker 1: by providing us with fried chicken from good Old mac 488 00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:14,000 Speaker 1: Ronnie and cheese and green. That's who was showing up 489 00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:20,120 Speaker 1: the church first, one in Lowe. So once you secured 490 00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:24,480 Speaker 1: my bottom level, if you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, 491 00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:29,760 Speaker 1: what's at the bottom based level food shelter. Right, they're 492 00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:32,800 Speaker 1: helping me to feel fulfill my human basically needs. So 493 00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:34,680 Speaker 1: now I can go get the Holy coast. I showed 494 00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:37,000 Speaker 1: up first. I got me to show up now willing 495 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:40,480 Speaker 1: to listen. All right, you're doing things in the wrong order. 496 00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:43,400 Speaker 1: If you're trying to do intimacy first, yeah, you wouldn't 497 00:31:43,440 --> 00:31:44,920 Speaker 1: even been doing it right. You're not doing it in the 498 00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:48,560 Speaker 1: the right order, right, that's a fact. So there's so 499 00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:51,240 Speaker 1: many different things that people don't even think about that 500 00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:53,440 Speaker 1: you have to consider when you're in a prison relationship. 501 00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:56,240 Speaker 1: I mean this is true in the regular relationship too. 502 00:31:56,240 --> 00:32:01,160 Speaker 1: I'm right. I would sum something, no facts, say, some 503 00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:03,480 Speaker 1: advice you will give to someone who is new to 504 00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:10,320 Speaker 1: this prison wife journey some advice. Oh man, Um, the 505 00:32:10,480 --> 00:32:12,280 Speaker 1: first thing that comes to mind is to tell them 506 00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:16,360 Speaker 1: that life is not over. You can still love life. 507 00:32:16,800 --> 00:32:22,040 Speaker 1: You can still love life. I promise you. Don't compare 508 00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:28,840 Speaker 1: your life to a free world couple. Mm hmm. Comparison, 509 00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:36,240 Speaker 1: what is that thief of joy? Yes, that will send 510 00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:39,040 Speaker 1: you into a tail spin looking at Facebook pictures, so 511 00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:44,160 Speaker 1: that that happy couple going out to eat smiling, right, 512 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:48,520 Speaker 1: don't So don't compare yourself to other people or situations 513 00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:52,720 Speaker 1: because you're not gonna be able to move like them. 514 00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:54,840 Speaker 1: So you have to say take it one step at 515 00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:57,800 Speaker 1: a time. So I think that's the biggest thing. Running 516 00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:01,440 Speaker 1: your race, doing your own personal journey. Don't be afraid 517 00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:05,560 Speaker 1: to ask for help. Mm hmm. You you gotta humble 518 00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:10,080 Speaker 1: yourself and be willing to Hopefully at some point you're 519 00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:12,400 Speaker 1: willing to share your experience because the only way that 520 00:33:12,440 --> 00:33:16,720 Speaker 1: people can reach out to you is to know you 521 00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:21,440 Speaker 1: and too understand your story. So if you're so fearful 522 00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:25,040 Speaker 1: of people finding out, there's zero opportunity for somebody to 523 00:33:25,080 --> 00:33:29,800 Speaker 1: reach down to help you and pull you up. When 524 00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:34,240 Speaker 1: people heard or learn about my story, it was an 525 00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:40,160 Speaker 1: opportunity for people to help me. You literally literally are 526 00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:44,720 Speaker 1: robbing people the opportunity of helping you or that satisfaction 527 00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:47,760 Speaker 1: because people love, they get joy out of helping one another, 528 00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:53,000 Speaker 1: helping other people. Right, you deny somebody access to help you, 529 00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:55,720 Speaker 1: you're not only hurt hurt yourself, you hurt the person 530 00:33:55,760 --> 00:33:59,400 Speaker 1: who's offering it to you. But for some of y'all, 531 00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:01,080 Speaker 1: y'all don't mean to that point because you don't even 532 00:34:01,120 --> 00:34:05,320 Speaker 1: tell people you're struggling. Yeah, you gotta be. You gotta 533 00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:09,439 Speaker 1: be willing to step out and step past the fear 534 00:34:09,520 --> 00:34:13,920 Speaker 1: of people judging you. There's no way I would have 535 00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:18,080 Speaker 1: received six months or for free diapers if people didn't 536 00:34:18,080 --> 00:34:24,000 Speaker 1: know my struggle. There's no way somebody would have said, hey, 537 00:34:24,120 --> 00:34:26,640 Speaker 1: I got you this summer for that electric and gas bill. 538 00:34:28,320 --> 00:34:33,279 Speaker 1: If everyone didn't know my struggle. Mm hmm. I would 539 00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:39,279 Speaker 1: have never received a sponsorship for my first fitness competition 540 00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:43,359 Speaker 1: if I was never verbal about my struggle. They saw 541 00:34:43,400 --> 00:34:45,279 Speaker 1: how I was handling myself. I was like, Wow, you're 542 00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:48,839 Speaker 1: such an inspiration that fell in my lap. I don't 543 00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:53,040 Speaker 1: mean it wasn't looking for So you gotta be willing 544 00:34:53,400 --> 00:34:58,320 Speaker 1: to make yourself vulnerable enough to receive help. And last 545 00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:01,800 Speaker 1: for Natalie's did you do it all over again? And 546 00:35:02,360 --> 00:35:10,879 Speaker 1: if not, what would you change? Okay? No, I mean 547 00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:13,719 Speaker 1: here the second question? What is the second question? Right? 548 00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:18,040 Speaker 1: My mind would blame? Oh my god, I think with 549 00:35:18,120 --> 00:35:20,320 Speaker 1: a different place. I can't. I oh my God, the 550 00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:27,440 Speaker 1: Lord Jesus, I just mm hmm. I like it almost 551 00:35:27,480 --> 00:35:30,680 Speaker 1: steals words out of my mind, like it almost renderously 552 00:35:30,840 --> 00:35:37,400 Speaker 1: renders me speechless. Oh God, wow, I what the I mean? 553 00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:43,759 Speaker 1: God much into your business? But do you regret doing it? Oh? No, 554 00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:47,160 Speaker 1: absolutely not. Don't regret. I don't regret anything. But we 555 00:35:47,200 --> 00:35:49,920 Speaker 1: don't regret. What but you don't? You just wouldn't do 556 00:35:49,920 --> 00:35:52,600 Speaker 1: it all over again? I just can't. I just oh 557 00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:59,319 Speaker 1: my God, Y know. I mean, I am thankful for 558 00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:02,719 Speaker 1: the journey. I am grateful for the journey because it 559 00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:06,520 Speaker 1: just made me who I am. Without the journey, there's 560 00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:12,799 Speaker 1: no me. But do I want to do it again? What? 561 00:36:16,320 --> 00:36:20,440 Speaker 1: Just like don't want to stab myself? Like I don't. 562 00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:27,000 Speaker 1: I don't think people understand the depth of pain and 563 00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:29,640 Speaker 1: you and you, because you've never been through it, will 564 00:36:29,719 --> 00:36:33,720 Speaker 1: never understand what that feels like. And I would never 565 00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:39,480 Speaker 1: want you to go through it. Mm hmm, Like the 566 00:36:39,560 --> 00:36:46,359 Speaker 1: depth of pain and suffering I went through. It's just 567 00:36:46,360 --> 00:36:49,279 Speaker 1: not something that you just say, hey, you're not do 568 00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:54,399 Speaker 1: it again? What this just got me? Something wrong with you? Right? 569 00:36:55,920 --> 00:36:58,319 Speaker 1: But I retrospe I mean, I look back on it 570 00:36:58,360 --> 00:37:01,279 Speaker 1: and be like, I'm thankful for it. Yes, I appreciate it, 571 00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:03,960 Speaker 1: and I'm so happy that I learned a lessen in 572 00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:10,600 Speaker 1: the process. But that's no no, now brant it. I 573 00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:14,080 Speaker 1: don't even know. I don't even gonna say. I can't 574 00:37:14,080 --> 00:37:15,640 Speaker 1: even go there. I can't do that. I can I 575 00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:21,440 Speaker 1: can't even go That's that's it. That's all. That's all 576 00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:25,479 Speaker 1: I can say on that. You what to say? I can't. 577 00:37:25,480 --> 00:37:27,480 Speaker 1: I know, I cannot even bring myself to say that 578 00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:32,520 Speaker 1: because that's not something in my future. I can't. Hm, 579 00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:34,920 Speaker 1: that's it. We've done with that. That that part of 580 00:37:34,920 --> 00:37:38,480 Speaker 1: the journey is done. M hmmm, We're done, done done 581 00:37:39,400 --> 00:37:46,000 Speaker 1: mm hmm. Well, on that note, if y'all have any questions, comments, 582 00:37:46,040 --> 00:37:48,800 Speaker 1: with concerns, please make sure to email me and hello 583 00:37:48,880 --> 00:37:51,840 Speaker 1: at the PhD podcast dot com. I thought this was 584 00:37:51,920 --> 00:37:56,759 Speaker 1: a very informative and amazing conversation. So to my guest, 585 00:37:56,840 --> 00:37:59,960 Speaker 1: thank you so much, thank you, thank you. I appreciate 586 00:38:00,400 --> 00:38:02,480 Speaker 1: this was awesome. I appreciate you for inviting me on 587 00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:05,320 Speaker 1: here of colics of course, who was here for? What? Almost? 588 00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:13,799 Speaker 1: I and have post two hours? He can yo? Oh 589 00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:17,919 Speaker 1: I just that last question? Yeah, you pay my heart hurt? 590 00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:23,799 Speaker 1: Oh why because even the thought process of going down 591 00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:26,600 Speaker 1: there and thinking about having to do it again, Like 592 00:38:26,719 --> 00:38:30,680 Speaker 1: I don't even want to put myself in the thought 593 00:38:30,760 --> 00:38:33,920 Speaker 1: process of how I would be if I can't even know. 594 00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:38,239 Speaker 1: I can't even know there. Mm hmmm. I can't. So 595 00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:41,080 Speaker 1: you would be like, no, that's it. I can't. I 596 00:38:41,120 --> 00:38:43,320 Speaker 1: can't even make that an option. That's not even an option. 597 00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:47,040 Speaker 1: Mm hmm. That can't be on the table, you know 598 00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:48,800 Speaker 1: what they're saying, Like you can't put the D words 599 00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:54,480 Speaker 1: divorced on the table, like m m. Yeah, she's so serious. 600 00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:59,560 Speaker 1: I wish I could see her face, y know, and 601 00:38:59,640 --> 00:39:08,359 Speaker 1: on that note later you know ohe bye bye. Yeah, 602 00:39:08,480 --> 00:39:12,000 Speaker 1: she really like, I'm not doing that again. I thought 603 00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:13,360 Speaker 1: she was about to hit the stop button on me.