1 00:00:00,960 --> 00:00:03,720 Speaker 1: This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for 2 00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:08,360 Speaker 1: all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like drug abuse, 3 00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:15,360 Speaker 1: domestic violence, suicidal thoughts, and sexual assault. Listener discretion is advised. 4 00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:19,480 Speaker 1: Episode eight, The hero. 5 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:24,720 Speaker 2: O Ho. 6 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:31,520 Speaker 1: That's something my Milita used to say. It translates to 7 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:35,760 Speaker 1: the heart doesn't feel what it doesn't see. That became 8 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:39,640 Speaker 1: my motto. It was my tactic to survive my family. 9 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:44,480 Speaker 1: So I made it through high school. I was living 10 00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:46,239 Speaker 1: with my nana and my dad at their house, and 11 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:48,960 Speaker 1: somehow I got good enough grades to get into college 12 00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:52,400 Speaker 1: and I got a scholarship. I was going to pursue 13 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:55,720 Speaker 1: my dream of studying theater. Here I was on the 14 00:00:55,720 --> 00:01:00,280 Speaker 1: brink of adulthood. I was about to live my own life. Finally, 15 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:02,880 Speaker 1: I was going to get away from my family. So 16 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:04,960 Speaker 1: I kept my distance to avoid seeing the path of 17 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:12,160 Speaker 1: destruction they were on and from having to feel the consequences. 18 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:17,000 Speaker 1: But after the incident with Adrianne, I realized that wasn't 19 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:20,679 Speaker 1: going to work. I had to protect my siblings at least. 20 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:23,880 Speaker 1: I wasn't really talking to my mom during this time. 21 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:26,760 Speaker 1: In fact, she was the person I was trying to 22 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:31,280 Speaker 1: keep everyone away from her. Addiction was consuming her and 23 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:35,520 Speaker 1: it was consuming us all. So in this episode, I 24 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:38,040 Speaker 1: want to hear her version of what happened. I know 25 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:41,160 Speaker 1: it was her rock bottom, the worst point in her addiction, 26 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:44,240 Speaker 1: and I think hearing it will help me better understand 27 00:01:44,319 --> 00:01:48,320 Speaker 1: what happened. And I want her to hear me to 28 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:50,040 Speaker 1: know what it was like for me during this time 29 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,320 Speaker 1: to have to be the reliable one and the heart 30 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:57,160 Speaker 1: that was to put my life on hold to pick 31 00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:03,440 Speaker 1: up after her. Once again, I'm Emmy and this is Crumbs. 32 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:06,280 Speaker 1: It's a show about the things we settle for and 33 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:08,840 Speaker 1: the bits of ourselves that make us who we are. 34 00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:19,080 Speaker 1: So we talked in the last episode about Adrian's overdose 35 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:21,800 Speaker 1: as a turning point for me. He was just a baby. 36 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:25,320 Speaker 1: And we'll talk about my sisters too and how much 37 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:29,440 Speaker 1: they were hurt by your addiction. Yeah, but before that, 38 00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:31,200 Speaker 1: I want to get into what was going on with you, 39 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:33,160 Speaker 1: because I still wasn't talking. 40 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:38,040 Speaker 2: To you, right, We weren't talking, and so we still 41 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:42,600 Speaker 2: had the little family business going, Keith and I working 42 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:46,680 Speaker 2: for Mamilicha. So we're driving back and forth across the 43 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:50,959 Speaker 2: border doing our little runs for Mamilicha, and we left 44 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:54,200 Speaker 2: the kids asleep at the motel alone, while the girl's 45 00:02:54,240 --> 00:03:00,480 Speaker 2: Adrian was with my mom. He was still a baby. 46 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:02,760 Speaker 2: We get arrested at the border together. 47 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:10,280 Speaker 3: What happened to the girls? 48 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:13,720 Speaker 2: I think one of your aunts came to pick them up. 49 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:16,160 Speaker 2: Someone in the family came and got them. 50 00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:19,840 Speaker 1: Wow, that must have been really scary for them. How 51 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:20,359 Speaker 1: old were they? 52 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:25,440 Speaker 2: And there was about eleven and Daniela was seven. They 53 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:29,320 Speaker 2: were young, but they weren't scared. They were living at 54 00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:33,480 Speaker 2: Mamilicha's house or with us at the motel, and to them, 55 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:37,040 Speaker 2: this was a lot of fun. It was like one 56 00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:38,040 Speaker 2: big fun vacation. 57 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:40,520 Speaker 3: They were used to it. 58 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:46,520 Speaker 2: The chaos, yes, the insanity, and I believe this bullshit 59 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:47,120 Speaker 2: was normal. 60 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:50,920 Speaker 1: So what happens after the arrest? 61 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:55,280 Speaker 2: So Kik and I get detained at the border, and 62 00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:59,920 Speaker 2: because I'd been arrested so many times before, I'm already 63 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:03,160 Speaker 2: planning on what bill bondsman I'm going to call when 64 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:06,560 Speaker 2: I get to jail, right, I mean, this was my 65 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:11,400 Speaker 2: first drug charge. I'd never been to federal so I 66 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:14,320 Speaker 2: was just assuming I was going to go to Lascolina's. 67 00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,640 Speaker 2: I was going to call a bail bondsman and get 68 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:20,880 Speaker 2: bailed out. It doesn't work that way with the fifths. 69 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:25,400 Speaker 2: But to my surprise, Kiko took the blame and it 70 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:27,560 Speaker 2: was something that rarely happens. 71 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,440 Speaker 3: They let me walk out of there. 72 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:33,920 Speaker 2: So the first thing I did was called my drug 73 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,279 Speaker 2: dealer and tell him, you know, this is what happened. 74 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:40,600 Speaker 2: I have no money, you know, but I need my drugs. 75 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:42,080 Speaker 2: You know, I'm good for it. You know, I'm going 76 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:45,919 Speaker 2: to work tomorrow again or whatever, you know. So he 77 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:50,279 Speaker 2: fronted me some drugs. Well, now, because Kiko had just 78 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:54,680 Speaker 2: got arrested, they stopped work completely. And I was like, 79 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:56,360 Speaker 2: oh my god, well what am I going to do? 80 00:04:56,560 --> 00:05:00,160 Speaker 2: You know, I need money for my drugs, and and 81 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:04,200 Speaker 2: you know we're living in a hotel whatever. So I 82 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:07,240 Speaker 2: talked to this drug dealer and I explained the situation 83 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:10,679 Speaker 2: to him, and so he said, okay, well how about 84 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:14,719 Speaker 2: you start working for me meanwhile, So I started selling 85 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:17,480 Speaker 2: drugs and now I'm making a lot of money again. 86 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,560 Speaker 2: And also I was so busy delivering drugs all day 87 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:23,880 Speaker 2: long that I would just grab a syringe full of 88 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:30,240 Speaker 2: heroin and meth mixed together, and I started getting like 89 00:05:30,279 --> 00:05:37,680 Speaker 2: this flesh eating to seas. I mean, I should have 90 00:05:37,839 --> 00:05:41,520 Speaker 2: been dead, honestly, because I had gangreen. My leg was 91 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:46,640 Speaker 2: infested with gangrene, and doctors were already talking about amputating 92 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:47,120 Speaker 2: my leg. 93 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:51,440 Speaker 1: So your addiction was literally consuming you. 94 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:58,200 Speaker 2: Yes, it was so crazy. I shouldn't even be alive 95 00:05:58,320 --> 00:05:58,760 Speaker 2: right now. 96 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:01,880 Speaker 3: And where was one with each other? During this? 97 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:06,560 Speaker 2: Wami Nicha was older by now, and she was pretty tired. 98 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:10,120 Speaker 2: Nothing was the way it was before she went to prison. 99 00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:12,880 Speaker 2: Nothing was as she had expected. 100 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:15,320 Speaker 3: When she was. 101 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:19,359 Speaker 2: Working back in the eighties, everything was so easy, and 102 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:23,840 Speaker 2: then after ninety eleven, things got really hard. And now 103 00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:27,480 Speaker 2: she's also taking care of yet another baby of mine. 104 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:29,000 Speaker 2: She was taking care of Adrian. 105 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:34,120 Speaker 1: So the family business fell apart, and the family too. 106 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:38,000 Speaker 1: I guess, yeah, pretty much. But I still had to 107 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:41,880 Speaker 1: make money for my addiction, just doing my. 108 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:44,839 Speaker 3: Own thing, and that what happens. 109 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:49,760 Speaker 2: And then I get detained at the border again. There 110 00:06:49,839 --> 00:06:52,920 Speaker 2: was a drug charge, but I'm not really worried about 111 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,200 Speaker 2: it because well, they already let me go once, right, 112 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:59,040 Speaker 2: and yet I'm still thinking of what Bill Bunceman I'm 113 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:02,520 Speaker 2: gonna call when I get to County jail. But to 114 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:06,240 Speaker 2: my surprise, the Feds picked me up this time. There's 115 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:09,440 Speaker 2: no more county jail, no more a few months for me. 116 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:14,720 Speaker 1: So you're going to federal prison. Yes, And what were 117 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:17,640 Speaker 1: you thinking about when you realize you were going to 118 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:20,200 Speaker 1: federal prison? Were you scared? 119 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:24,040 Speaker 2: This is gonna sound crazy, but I was sort of excited. 120 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:29,360 Speaker 2: It's like stepping up, you know. Now I'm going to 121 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:32,520 Speaker 2: a federal prison. You know, no more county jail, no 122 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:38,280 Speaker 2: more state prison. I'm going to the big penitentiary. From 123 00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:40,080 Speaker 2: what I've heard, it's pretty nice in there. 124 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:42,840 Speaker 3: I don't know why I think that's funny. 125 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,600 Speaker 1: Okay, sorry, continue. 126 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:50,200 Speaker 2: So I'm thinking I'm going to like this like a club, 127 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:51,320 Speaker 2: a country club. 128 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:55,680 Speaker 3: It's like it's a status. 129 00:07:55,200 --> 00:08:01,120 Speaker 2: Thing, right, I mean, not everybody goes to federal prison, right. 130 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:04,320 Speaker 2: And from what I've heard, because that's where Mamy Litcha 131 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:07,720 Speaker 2: was and she was pretty spoiled in there, it seems 132 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:09,920 Speaker 2: that she was living pretty good while she was in there. 133 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,920 Speaker 1: And from what I remember, probably not in your era, 134 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,840 Speaker 1: but in Mamilchi's era, she could wear. 135 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:21,120 Speaker 2: Civilian clothes, yes, and it was co ed when she 136 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:25,000 Speaker 2: was there. Oh wow, the men and women lived together. 137 00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:25,920 Speaker 2: Imagine that. 138 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,720 Speaker 1: But by the time you got to the same prison, 139 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:31,480 Speaker 1: things are different. 140 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:35,280 Speaker 2: Very different. We had to wear uniforms. It was all 141 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:40,000 Speaker 2: women's prison. There were more rules, it was a little stricter. 142 00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:46,200 Speaker 2: My only fear was that now I have to go 143 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:50,240 Speaker 2: through the withdrawals. That's the only thing that I was 144 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:54,480 Speaker 2: scared of, because if you go to County jail and 145 00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:57,880 Speaker 2: you tell them that you're going to be withdrawing from heroin, 146 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:00,720 Speaker 2: they'll just give you a blank and tell you to 147 00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:04,480 Speaker 2: go lay in a corner. There's no empathy for a 148 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:09,760 Speaker 2: heroin addict. And so I've heard stories of how good 149 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:16,400 Speaker 2: a federal prison takes care of their atticts and withdrawals. 150 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,520 Speaker 2: But I had to put on a show for them. 151 00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:22,440 Speaker 2: So immediately I had to convince them that I was 152 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:28,760 Speaker 2: HIV positive, I had HEPSI, and I had tuberculosis. 153 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:30,800 Speaker 3: But none of these things were true. 154 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:36,560 Speaker 2: No, No, I had a huge open wound on my 155 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:40,600 Speaker 2: leg that was like four centimeters deep, and so that 156 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:43,840 Speaker 2: was really helpful in convincing them that there was all 157 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:45,640 Speaker 2: these things wrong with me and I needed to go 158 00:09:45,679 --> 00:09:49,120 Speaker 2: to a hospital right away. They drove me to the 159 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:52,840 Speaker 2: hospital to get X rays and blood work and everything, 160 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:56,839 Speaker 2: and I remember they came back and they were really 161 00:09:56,880 --> 00:10:00,760 Speaker 2: angry because all my tests came back negative. But I 162 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,800 Speaker 2: got to stay in the detoc center, which was my goal. 163 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:09,520 Speaker 2: So it worked. So I was there for eighteen days 164 00:10:09,559 --> 00:10:16,120 Speaker 2: with two guards withdrawing, and those were some really hard days. 165 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:20,040 Speaker 2: I mean I had no contact with family, no one 166 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:25,480 Speaker 2: knew where I was, and I was hallucinating really bad. 167 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:35,960 Speaker 2: It was just really ugly. Eighteen days after that, I 168 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:41,360 Speaker 2: went back to general population, and like I said, I 169 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:45,360 Speaker 2: was expecting to see a country club. It was really clean, 170 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:49,000 Speaker 2: the food was better, but it wasn't a country club. 171 00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:57,200 Speaker 1: This was your first time in federal prison. How different 172 00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:57,600 Speaker 1: was it. 173 00:10:58,559 --> 00:11:00,520 Speaker 2: I wasn't going to do we live in mine in 174 00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:04,240 Speaker 2: county jail. I was looking at years now. I was 175 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:11,640 Speaker 2: sentenced to two years. What made it okay was the 176 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:15,280 Speaker 2: group of women that I was around. Because we all 177 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,320 Speaker 2: were arrested around the same time, we all went to 178 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:21,640 Speaker 2: court around the same time, we all got sentenced around 179 00:11:21,679 --> 00:11:23,840 Speaker 2: the same time, and we were all sent to the 180 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:29,600 Speaker 2: same prison together. So you sort of build a bond 181 00:11:29,679 --> 00:11:34,240 Speaker 2: with these women. Some of them called me mom, some 182 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:38,319 Speaker 2: of them were my aunts. You know, you replace your 183 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:48,000 Speaker 2: family with these women to fill those voids. It was 184 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:53,840 Speaker 2: like a dorm living maybe twenty women on each floor. 185 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:58,800 Speaker 2: You get up for lunch or earlier, you shower, some 186 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:02,840 Speaker 2: women work out. There were these vents on the walls 187 00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:06,920 Speaker 2: where a lot of women stood up on lockers and 188 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:11,600 Speaker 2: communicated with the guys from the next floor through the vents. 189 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:15,400 Speaker 2: So a lot of these women had relationships through the 190 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:18,640 Speaker 2: vent's boyfriends, guys that they'd never seen before. 191 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:21,720 Speaker 1: So you're having a relationship with a voice. 192 00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:26,560 Speaker 3: Yes, this is like the original Love is blind. 193 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:32,800 Speaker 2: I mean, anything to kill time in there, right, you know, 194 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:37,320 Speaker 2: I witnessed a fight between two girls over a guy 195 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:39,160 Speaker 2: that they'd never seen. 196 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:43,600 Speaker 1: I mean, he could be the most hideous thing ever 197 00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:44,640 Speaker 1: and they wouldn't. 198 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:49,240 Speaker 2: Have Yeah, but I was in such a bad place 199 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:55,240 Speaker 2: mentally and physically and honestly going to Fiddle prison at 200 00:12:55,240 --> 00:13:00,800 Speaker 2: that exact moment saved my life. Say this is one 201 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:04,520 Speaker 2: of the worst points of your addiction. This was my 202 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,560 Speaker 2: rock bottom. It definitely was. 203 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:11,280 Speaker 1: I mean, speaking from my own experience, our addictions takes 204 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:13,559 Speaker 1: us to the craziest places. 205 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:15,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, they do. 206 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,880 Speaker 1: And for you, that was all these crazy scenarios for 207 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:24,320 Speaker 1: years and now here you are federal prison, Like for 208 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:27,560 Speaker 1: that to be a blessing to you, it's just crazy, Yes, 209 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:36,040 Speaker 1: it really is. So you were gone for what two years? 210 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:40,160 Speaker 2: Yes, the very first time I went to federal prison. 211 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:41,839 Speaker 2: I was there for two years. 212 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:45,120 Speaker 1: And again, we didn't really talk during this time, and 213 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:46,800 Speaker 1: I was trying to stay away because I was tired 214 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:49,120 Speaker 1: of having to watch you go through all of this. 215 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:53,400 Speaker 2: Yeah, I emailed you a lot, but you never responded. 216 00:13:55,160 --> 00:14:01,800 Speaker 2: And then what happens after my two years? I get 217 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:05,800 Speaker 2: out Hatreds with Mammy Leicha. The girls are going back 218 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:09,600 Speaker 2: and forth between the hotels with Kiko and Mamy Lecha's house. 219 00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:15,880 Speaker 2: Then I went right back to where I left off 220 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:20,400 Speaker 2: with Keiko using. Yeah, I went right back to using 221 00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:23,320 Speaker 2: the motels in and out of prison. 222 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:27,120 Speaker 1: So Federal prison saved your life, but it didn't prevent 223 00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:28,680 Speaker 1: you from going back to the drug life. 224 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:31,960 Speaker 2: I want to say that it was the beginning of 225 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:35,560 Speaker 2: my transformation, even though I didn't really know it at 226 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:40,480 Speaker 2: that time. My addiction was still very strong, and Keeko 227 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:44,480 Speaker 2: and I were using. We were just fucking up in 228 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:49,080 Speaker 2: and out of prison. But I do remember now and 229 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:54,520 Speaker 2: then I would think to myself, is my life ever 230 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:57,080 Speaker 2: going to change? Or is this what I'm going to do? 231 00:14:57,160 --> 00:15:04,240 Speaker 2: Until I die. I started noticing things. I'd be walking 232 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:07,200 Speaker 2: down the street and I would see houses and through 233 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,560 Speaker 2: the window, I would see families sitting at the dinner 234 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:12,800 Speaker 2: table together, and I wanted that. 235 00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:23,760 Speaker 1: It's interesting to hear you say that, because I never 236 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:27,080 Speaker 1: really thought you pictured or had these ideas of having 237 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:30,400 Speaker 1: a regular family. That the drug life was the only 238 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:36,240 Speaker 1: life you ever knew and wanted. So it's nice to 239 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,040 Speaker 1: hear that you wish for those things as well, But 240 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:40,880 Speaker 1: you just knew deep down inside and you weren't ready 241 00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:43,520 Speaker 1: to give up your drugs. 242 00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:49,120 Speaker 2: I mean, since I was a kid, I always when 243 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:52,080 Speaker 2: I would play, I would play it was a family 244 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:56,680 Speaker 2: setting with the dolls. You know. I didn't envision me 245 00:15:56,920 --> 00:16:02,640 Speaker 2: using drugs. I wanted that family, and when I started 246 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:08,360 Speaker 2: noticing it in other people's lives, I missed it. I 247 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:12,520 Speaker 2: missed something that I'd never had, even as a child myself. 248 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,840 Speaker 1: I know exactly what you mean, because that's something that 249 00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:21,080 Speaker 1: I always wanted and didn't get growing up. 250 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:29,160 Speaker 2: But I was still in my addiction and I wasn't 251 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,400 Speaker 2: ready to make any changes yet. 252 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:37,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, that makes sense. Sorez in middle school and then 253 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:42,120 Speaker 1: he last do in elementary school. Yeah, that's right, and 254 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:45,240 Speaker 1: just as that a refresher, they're technically my half sisters. 255 00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:51,320 Speaker 1: Your daughter's are the keiko. When Ada first came, you know, 256 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:53,760 Speaker 1: I was just I was thrilled. She had that gorgeous 257 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:56,680 Speaker 1: dark curly hair. And then Daniela with her big head. 258 00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,000 Speaker 3: She was just so cute. She looked like a cabbage 259 00:16:59,040 --> 00:16:59,880 Speaker 3: pass when she was born. 260 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:01,880 Speaker 2: She did. 261 00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:06,280 Speaker 1: And I'll never forget just holding them as babies, how 262 00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:08,639 Speaker 1: cute they were since they were born. 263 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:10,919 Speaker 3: But they're not babies anymore. 264 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:14,439 Speaker 1: They're still so young in my head, like little kids. 265 00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:17,159 Speaker 1: And so one day my grandma calls me and she 266 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:19,280 Speaker 1: tells me, like everything that's happening, she gives me a 267 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:23,280 Speaker 1: rundown of everything that's happening. You know, you're a mess, 268 00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:33,400 Speaker 1: andreas a mess. I saw what Andrea looked like, and 269 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,280 Speaker 1: I was like, I was in. 270 00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,960 Speaker 2: The room with that thing, And you said, Andrea looked 271 00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:42,120 Speaker 2: like Achola, Like she has she shaved off her eyebrow, 272 00:17:42,359 --> 00:17:45,639 Speaker 2: was drawing them in, she had bleached her hair, she 273 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,720 Speaker 2: was like doing her makeup. She got like a tattoo 274 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:52,360 Speaker 2: on her knee, like and I'm. 275 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:56,320 Speaker 3: Just like, what the fuck this is my sister. 276 00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,200 Speaker 1: That you took care of as a baby, and I 277 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:00,760 Speaker 1: took care of as a baby, and I was like, 278 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,920 Speaker 1: what is going on. I knew that she had a warrant, 279 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:10,639 Speaker 1: and the only thing that occurred to me was to 280 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:14,280 Speaker 1: take her to juvenile Hall. I didn't care what anybody 281 00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,920 Speaker 1: was going to say, Like, I was just like, fuck this. 282 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:19,479 Speaker 1: I remember I had to go looking for her. I 283 00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:21,560 Speaker 1: was looking for her everywhere, and I finally found her 284 00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:24,760 Speaker 1: at one of her girlfriend's house and I sat down 285 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:27,080 Speaker 1: and talked to her, and she was just like she 286 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:30,479 Speaker 1: didn't care about anything, Like she just was like okay 287 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:33,480 Speaker 1: with living like that. And I think I told her 288 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:37,359 Speaker 1: I was taking her out to eat, and I tricked 289 00:18:37,359 --> 00:18:38,840 Speaker 1: her and she. 290 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:41,600 Speaker 3: Got in the car or I bribed her. 291 00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:46,680 Speaker 1: I don't even remember, but I drove to Juvenile Hall 292 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:48,639 Speaker 1: and I just turned her in. 293 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:52,240 Speaker 2: I remember that night. I was so happy that you 294 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:54,720 Speaker 2: took her, because she was a handful, you know, and 295 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:56,280 Speaker 2: I could barely take care of myself. 296 00:18:59,200 --> 00:18:59,800 Speaker 3: Daniella. 297 00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:02,600 Speaker 2: You know, do you know how Daniella was. Daniella was 298 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:06,320 Speaker 2: beating up all the kids in the neighborhood and building 299 00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:08,680 Speaker 2: a name for herself already at such a young age, 300 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:12,960 Speaker 2: you know, But Andrea just starting to take drugs and 301 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,399 Speaker 2: all that. It was like, oh God, I'm so glad 302 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:18,439 Speaker 2: that you showed up and took over, you know. But 303 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:22,000 Speaker 2: I remember you called me and you told me, okay, 304 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,800 Speaker 2: it's fine, she's fine. I was like, oh God, thank 305 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,080 Speaker 2: you so much. I'm so glad you came. Yeah, she'll 306 00:19:28,119 --> 00:19:31,359 Speaker 2: be fine. She's in June. Oho, thank you? What she's where? 307 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:32,880 Speaker 3: I was so mad? 308 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:33,520 Speaker 2: Do you remember that? 309 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:34,080 Speaker 3: Yes? 310 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:36,320 Speaker 2: I was like, what the fuck do you? 311 00:19:36,359 --> 00:19:37,280 Speaker 3: What did you do? 312 00:19:39,359 --> 00:19:41,600 Speaker 2: And you said something like what you should have done, 313 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:44,360 Speaker 2: you know, get her straight. 314 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:50,919 Speaker 1: Because by this time I had to put college on hold. 315 00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:57,280 Speaker 1: I started working at the phone company, and for an 316 00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:01,480 Speaker 1: eighteen year old making that amount of money, it was like, 317 00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:03,840 Speaker 1: oh wow, like this is awesome, Like I brought a 318 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:07,000 Speaker 1: brand new car, like I was like so attracted to 319 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:12,080 Speaker 1: the money part. And then this happened, right Andreas and 320 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:15,600 Speaker 1: juvenile Hall. I put her there and then her court 321 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:20,560 Speaker 1: was two weeks later, and I remember talking to her 322 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:24,040 Speaker 1: defense attorney and she told me this is what's going 323 00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:27,760 Speaker 1: to happen. She's most likely going to get out, but 324 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,639 Speaker 1: she needs to go to a stable home. And my 325 00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:33,760 Speaker 1: Grandma's like, no, let her go. To foster care, like, no, 326 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:37,800 Speaker 1: there's no way, and I had a feeling that you 327 00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:43,919 Speaker 1: were not going to show up to her court. To 328 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,400 Speaker 1: my surprise, she was given to me. They gave me 329 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,520 Speaker 1: all her papers, and I showed up to my lam's 330 00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:55,720 Speaker 1: house with a twelve year old kid. So remind me, 331 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:57,600 Speaker 1: why didn't you show up to court? 332 00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:03,560 Speaker 2: I had a warrant for my arrest. And I don't 333 00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:06,520 Speaker 2: think I ever told you this, but when I was 334 00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:11,040 Speaker 2: pregnant with Adrian, I had a ticket and I showed 335 00:21:11,119 --> 00:21:14,439 Speaker 2: up to court for my ticket and they took me 336 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:19,480 Speaker 2: into custody. Not that it's a good excuse, but I 337 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:22,080 Speaker 2: think I was afraid of showing up because I had 338 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:23,919 Speaker 2: this warrant and they're probably going to arrest me. 339 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:28,199 Speaker 1: So he didn't show up, and Imitch, I was like, 340 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:40,800 Speaker 1: I'm done, So it's just me. And so you know, 341 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:43,679 Speaker 1: I just got handed a twelve year old kid and 342 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:47,760 Speaker 1: I'm eighteen. I just graduated from high school. I don't 343 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:51,040 Speaker 1: know how to be a parent. But also I knew 344 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:52,679 Speaker 1: that I didn't want her to have anything to do 345 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:58,040 Speaker 1: with you because your influence was bleeding into her life. 346 00:21:58,480 --> 00:21:59,360 Speaker 3: So I just thought. 347 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:04,439 Speaker 1: Do so, yeah, I took them at home with me, 348 00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:06,480 Speaker 1: and I was living at my nanna's at that time, 349 00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:09,120 Speaker 1: and then I didn't have anything. 350 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:11,600 Speaker 3: She looked like a mess. 351 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:16,480 Speaker 1: She looked terrible, and we went to Macy's the Robinsons 352 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:20,320 Speaker 1: may every piece of order that she needed. I got 353 00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:23,919 Speaker 1: her like a whole knew everything. And she's like, I 354 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:25,800 Speaker 1: don't like this clothes. I was like, I don't care. 355 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,600 Speaker 1: That's what you're gonna wear. And she would be through 356 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:33,080 Speaker 1: a fit, but she would wear it. She was like, 357 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:35,480 Speaker 1: I need to make up, all right, I'm picking your 358 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:38,040 Speaker 1: makeup out for you. You could wear a scaret but 359 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:41,800 Speaker 1: lip gloss only, and you're letting your eyebrows grow. And 360 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:43,960 Speaker 1: she went through the awkward phase where they looked weird. 361 00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:47,120 Speaker 1: I took her to get a haircut. 362 00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:49,600 Speaker 2: Oh, she was so mad because I cut her hair 363 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:52,160 Speaker 2: really short, like I cut her with a like, gave 364 00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:56,560 Speaker 2: her a bob cut, and she was just I just 365 00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:59,040 Speaker 2: gave her a homemakeover, and I was like, look, Adria, 366 00:22:59,119 --> 00:23:00,919 Speaker 2: I'm going to introduce you to a different way of 367 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,960 Speaker 2: life that you're not used to, but you have to 368 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:04,760 Speaker 2: be open minded. 369 00:23:10,359 --> 00:23:13,800 Speaker 1: I enrolled her in school. It was middle school, and 370 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:17,159 Speaker 1: Daniela came to live with me, and they and I 371 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,640 Speaker 1: are sharing a room at Nana's house. Like with Aniela, 372 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,399 Speaker 1: it was like, all right, we did it for a 373 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:23,920 Speaker 1: little bit, but it was like I had to get 374 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:27,359 Speaker 1: my own place, and we did. I ran in an 375 00:23:27,359 --> 00:23:28,200 Speaker 1: apartment on Palmar. 376 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:30,880 Speaker 2: I don't know if you remember, but I went over 377 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:33,280 Speaker 2: there to help you when you were barely moving in. 378 00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:36,920 Speaker 2: Liked to clean out the cupboards and whatever. Do you remember. 379 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,440 Speaker 2: I think it's probably the only time I went over there. 380 00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:45,840 Speaker 2: I got the apartment. But also I'm going to therapy. 381 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:51,240 Speaker 2: I want to be like the hero and like save everyone. Yeah, 382 00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:53,960 Speaker 2: and so the girls had their own room. I did 383 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:56,080 Speaker 2: the same thing with Aniela as far as the shopping, 384 00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:00,160 Speaker 2: and I was working at the phone company. I prop 385 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:03,399 Speaker 2: them off at school, arrange for them to get picked up, 386 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:08,000 Speaker 2: come back home, like we were living a normal life. 387 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:11,760 Speaker 2: And Andrea kind of fell in love with that, like 388 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:17,240 Speaker 2: bougie lifestyle, right, It was easy for her. 389 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:21,879 Speaker 1: She adapted well the way Mami Lycha did to me. 390 00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:26,480 Speaker 1: I tried to do for my sister Andrea, and it stuck. 391 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:27,560 Speaker 3: And she's good. 392 00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:32,359 Speaker 1: Daniella was a different story. She's always been like very defiant. 393 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:37,240 Speaker 1: Daniella came in like a Tasmanian devil from the moment 394 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:41,080 Speaker 1: she was born, Oh my god, like she was a 395 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:45,480 Speaker 1: really bad kid, and so she was a little more work. 396 00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:51,040 Speaker 1: How did all of that make you feel? 397 00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:57,960 Speaker 2: Honestly, at the time, I was relieved. You have to remember, 398 00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:00,840 Speaker 2: I'm used to Mammy Lecha always coming and taking over. 399 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:05,480 Speaker 2: I mean, I couldn't even take care of myself, and 400 00:25:06,119 --> 00:25:08,840 Speaker 2: just to have you come and take the girls, it 401 00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:12,000 Speaker 2: was a relief for me. It was something I was 402 00:25:12,119 --> 00:25:17,040 Speaker 2: used to. I was just so far gone. 403 00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:19,720 Speaker 3: What about now, do you feel any differently? 404 00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:25,480 Speaker 2: I think now I'm grateful, but it's a different type. 405 00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:31,720 Speaker 2: I've always considered myself so lucky because I never had 406 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:37,240 Speaker 2: any child protective services step in. I never completely lost 407 00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:42,040 Speaker 2: my children, and for a long time in my addiction, 408 00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:45,200 Speaker 2: I was so proud of that. But it wasn't because 409 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:48,680 Speaker 2: of anything I did. It was because I had Mamy 410 00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:55,760 Speaker 2: Lcha and I had you. So I'm grateful today that 411 00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:59,240 Speaker 2: that you were there. I feel bad that it interrupted 412 00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:02,520 Speaker 2: your life because you were so young, but you loved 413 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:07,400 Speaker 2: your siblings. You were willing to sacrifice you for them, 414 00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:10,919 Speaker 2: and I'm really really sorry that you had to do that. 415 00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:19,960 Speaker 2: But I'm also very grateful that you were there for them. 416 00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:24,040 Speaker 1: Thank you, thanks for saying that. And you know, yes, 417 00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:30,320 Speaker 1: it was a lot, it was difficult. And that's when 418 00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:34,040 Speaker 1: I really like my disease started taking off, because I 419 00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,040 Speaker 1: started partying a lot to let off on the steam 420 00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:41,040 Speaker 1: because I was so resentful at you, because here I 421 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,479 Speaker 1: am doing your job and now like my dreams are 422 00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:46,040 Speaker 1: on hold and I'm still not happy. So I'm drinking, 423 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:56,480 Speaker 1: I'm drugging, I'm like getting in trouble. And then at 424 00:26:56,480 --> 00:26:58,280 Speaker 1: some point you got arrested again. 425 00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:02,320 Speaker 2: Yes, I went back to Fiddle prison again. 426 00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:12,840 Speaker 1: So you missed a lot of what came next. Hearing 427 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:14,920 Speaker 1: about my mom at the lowest point in her addiction 428 00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:18,919 Speaker 1: isn't easy. She went through hell and she put us 429 00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:22,560 Speaker 1: through hell in the process. So I tried to channel 430 00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:25,919 Speaker 1: my Milichia, my role model when she stepped up to 431 00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:28,840 Speaker 1: take care of her siblings. I try to be a 432 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:31,840 Speaker 1: parent to my sisters when I was just a teenager myself. 433 00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:35,080 Speaker 1: But it turns out I had more in common with 434 00:27:35,119 --> 00:27:42,760 Speaker 1: my mom than I cared to admit. Next time on crumbs, So. 435 00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:46,080 Speaker 2: If you want, let's talk about it. Tell me about 436 00:27:46,119 --> 00:27:46,600 Speaker 2: your addiction. 437 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:57,040 Speaker 1: Okay, hey listeners, There's a lot of difficult subjects that 438 00:27:57,080 --> 00:27:59,639 Speaker 1: we cover in this show. If you were someone you 439 00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:02,240 Speaker 1: know need help, you can reach the Substance Abuse and 440 00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:06,720 Speaker 1: Mental Health Services Administration Hotline at one eight hundred six 441 00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:10,600 Speaker 1: six 'S two four three five seven. They'll connect you 442 00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:14,240 Speaker 1: with information and resources on treatment. There's also the National 443 00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:18,280 Speaker 1: Suicide Prevention Lifeline at one eight hundred two seven three 444 00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:22,560 Speaker 1: T A l K. Both are available twenty four to seven. 445 00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:25,280 Speaker 1: You don't have to be in crisis to reach out either. 446 00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:34,720 Speaker 1: They're available for anyone who needs help. Crumbs is a 447 00:28:34,720 --> 00:28:38,960 Speaker 1: Sonata production in partnership with Iheart'smichel Thura Network and Trojan Horse. 448 00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:43,720 Speaker 1: It's produced by Hannah Bottom and edited by Margaret Catcher, 449 00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:49,200 Speaker 1: Rodrigo Crispo, and Alex Umero, with support from Elizabeth Schutzel. 450 00:28:50,360 --> 00:28:54,680 Speaker 1: Original music by D Peter Schmidt and engineering by Catrosmagagna 451 00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:59,680 Speaker 1: and Mandel Barra Studio. Recording by JTV Recording and Podcasting Studio. 452 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:04,240 Speaker 1: Executive produced by Cono Byrne and Giselvan Says for iHeart, 453 00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:08,800 Speaker 1: Alex Fumeto and Margaret Catcher for Chrodren Horse, Gamila Victoriano 454 00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:14,040 Speaker 1: and Joshua Weinstein, Forer Sonoro and me Emmiolea. Special things 455 00:29:14,040 --> 00:29:18,320 Speaker 1: to Marina Coronella Gire and of course my mom Ilde Gambois. 456 00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:23,360 Speaker 1: Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or 457 00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:35,640 Speaker 1: wherever you get your podcasts.