1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:04,600 Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dim here. If you like this 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,840 Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: tool that allows you to record and edit your podcast 5 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:17,280 Speaker 1: right from your phone or computer. You can add songs 6 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:21,000 Speaker 1: from Spotify and create any type of content that you 7 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:24,400 Speaker 1: are looking for. Anchor will distribute it all for you 8 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:28,440 Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more. 9 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,080 Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot 10 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:33,800 Speaker 1: fm to get started. 11 00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:37,840 Speaker 2: On this week's episode in her Space, if I would 12 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:39,120 Speaker 2: have gotten mad at her and then we would have 13 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:41,519 Speaker 2: had an attitude and then would have like wanted to 14 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:43,760 Speaker 2: work with a different coach, that would have been more like. 15 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:44,720 Speaker 3: My shit, you know what I mean? 16 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:46,839 Speaker 2: Like she was clear on her boundary, but like if 17 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,760 Speaker 2: I would have had an attitude and wanted to be staying, 18 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,400 Speaker 2: it's like, yo, I gotta check myself. Like why so 19 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:53,479 Speaker 2: if someone makes you feel bad for you saying no 20 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:55,400 Speaker 2: one's set in a boundary, you really have to question 21 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,760 Speaker 2: that relationship, you know what I mean. 22 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:03,080 Speaker 3: Welcome to her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting women 23 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:08,360 Speaker 3: like you. We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Broussard, a college 24 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,760 Speaker 3: professor and psychologist. 25 00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:14,840 Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a 26 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:19,480 Speaker 2: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please 27 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:24,280 Speaker 2: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from 28 00:01:24,319 --> 00:01:27,760 Speaker 2: fibroids to fake friends and create a safe space where 29 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:36,760 Speaker 2: black women can just be Do you know how to 30 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:41,440 Speaker 2: say no? Of course you do? But why is this 31 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:44,440 Speaker 2: so hard for us to say no when it really matters? 32 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:46,480 Speaker 2: Maybe not all of us, but most of us. I 33 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:54,720 Speaker 2: would definitely say no, no, no. When we were children, 34 00:01:54,760 --> 00:02:00,960 Speaker 2: we would scream from the mountaintops. Remember those days? No, Oh, seriously, 35 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:02,360 Speaker 2: that's exactly what we would do. 36 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:02,960 Speaker 3: Right. 37 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:06,520 Speaker 2: As teenagers, we were quickly to shoot at, know, at 38 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:10,480 Speaker 2: our parents when they were doing something embarrassing or old fashioned. Right, 39 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:15,120 Speaker 2: But seemingly as adults, the word has lost its meaning 40 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:19,000 Speaker 2: for some of us, right, it's gone bland on our tongues. 41 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:24,679 Speaker 2: Instead of no, we find ourselves signing yes, even when 42 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:26,320 Speaker 2: we don't want to do it and we want to 43 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:31,760 Speaker 2: do the exact opposite. How did we get here? I 44 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:36,679 Speaker 2: don't know, girl, I don't even know. Like, how do 45 00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:37,680 Speaker 2: we take our power back? 46 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:37,840 Speaker 3: How? 47 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:38,400 Speaker 2: Do we do it. 48 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,000 Speaker 3: I think there's a lot of ways that we can 49 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:44,520 Speaker 3: do it, but I think what would help most of 50 00:02:44,639 --> 00:02:48,560 Speaker 3: us really is to hear how other people have done 51 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:51,079 Speaker 3: it and what has been the end result, Because I 52 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:56,400 Speaker 3: think about like times when I've told someone or told 53 00:02:56,400 --> 00:03:01,480 Speaker 3: myself to try something and I have no idea what 54 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,000 Speaker 3: the outcome is going to be. That can be pretty scary, 55 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:10,400 Speaker 3: especially when we're trying to change a behavior. Oftentimes it's 56 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,160 Speaker 3: a lot easier for us to feel motivated to change 57 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:16,840 Speaker 3: of behavior if we can kind of have some clue 58 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:20,600 Speaker 3: about what the outcome will be. What stories do you 59 00:03:20,639 --> 00:03:24,400 Speaker 3: have for us today? Because I know, I know, you 60 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:26,680 Speaker 3: know you have some good stories. You always got a story. 61 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:28,200 Speaker 3: You know I got a story for everything. 62 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,000 Speaker 2: Well, I was just thinking, like, well, first, I think 63 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,320 Speaker 2: this episode is going to be for a particular person 64 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:36,920 Speaker 2: usually I know for me personally, I've struggled with no 65 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:42,440 Speaker 2: a lot, and I definitely I'm looking forward to this 66 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:44,720 Speaker 2: episode because I wanted to have a real authentic conversation 67 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:47,080 Speaker 2: and for anyone that's timid and that struggle with trying 68 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:50,120 Speaker 2: to appease people, which is me all the way, me too. 69 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:51,720 Speaker 3: There we go, You. 70 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,200 Speaker 2: And I downd This is going to be a really 71 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:56,120 Speaker 2: good episode for you, so stay tuned. But first down 72 00:03:56,320 --> 00:04:00,240 Speaker 2: is going to take us into our quote of the day. 73 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:05,560 Speaker 3: All right, So today's quote comes from Brene Brown. She's 74 00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:12,440 Speaker 3: written several books about self improvement, about learning to love ourselves, 75 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:16,600 Speaker 3: learning to engage with others in a healthier way. And 76 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:22,120 Speaker 3: so this quote says, daring to set boundaries is about 77 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:26,039 Speaker 3: having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk 78 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:33,440 Speaker 3: disappointing others. That last part for me, even when we 79 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:37,160 Speaker 3: risk disappointing others. 80 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,760 Speaker 2: So you already know what's coming next. What does that 81 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,719 Speaker 2: mean to you, don What does that quote mean to you? 82 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:48,320 Speaker 3: That quote really, especially that last part says that it's 83 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:51,800 Speaker 3: like giving me the courage, giving me the empowerment to 84 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:56,839 Speaker 3: say I can say no, and I don't have to 85 00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:02,760 Speaker 3: worry about how other people are going to react. That 86 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:07,320 Speaker 3: I have to focus on doing what's helpful for myself 87 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:13,560 Speaker 3: was showing myself love, even if that means the other 88 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:17,600 Speaker 3: person may be upset by it or they may not 89 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:22,400 Speaker 3: like it. But the more important piece is to show 90 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,720 Speaker 3: my self love and that means saying no. 91 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:28,880 Speaker 2: And when I hear you say that, and when you 92 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:30,800 Speaker 2: just read that quote, it made me think about the 93 00:05:30,839 --> 00:05:34,520 Speaker 2: fact that setting boundaries and saying no is literally an 94 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:37,480 Speaker 2: act of self care because when you think about it, 95 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:39,560 Speaker 2: and I know, it's funny that we're talking about this, 96 00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:43,159 Speaker 2: because I feel like I'm low key preaching to myself. 97 00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:45,440 Speaker 2: So we may be saying things as though we're experts, 98 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,200 Speaker 2: but it's like we're still on the journey as well, 99 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:49,000 Speaker 2: like we're still working on this in our daily life. 100 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:51,719 Speaker 2: And when I hear that, it makes me think, would 101 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:54,279 Speaker 2: I do I want to say no to someone? Or 102 00:05:54,279 --> 00:05:55,960 Speaker 2: do I want to say yes to something I don't 103 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:58,520 Speaker 2: really want to do to appease someone else just to 104 00:05:58,560 --> 00:05:59,960 Speaker 2: disappoint myself. 105 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:00,760 Speaker 3: And sleep at night. 106 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:04,720 Speaker 2: Or do I want to be honest, be true to myself, 107 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:07,920 Speaker 2: say no, make sure that I can sleep well at night. 108 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:11,479 Speaker 2: And if that person has a problem with it, I 109 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:14,080 Speaker 2: mean they can probably ask someone else, you know what 110 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:17,320 Speaker 2: I mean? Like I shouldn't have to compromise my sanity, 111 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:20,800 Speaker 2: my time, my energy, my boundaries to appease someone else 112 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:22,280 Speaker 2: when I really don't want to do it. 113 00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:28,200 Speaker 3: And most of the time, the other person isn't going 114 00:06:28,279 --> 00:06:32,360 Speaker 3: to be upset, and if they are, then that may 115 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:39,600 Speaker 3: be a sign that they might not value our relationship 116 00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:43,680 Speaker 3: in the same way that we do. 117 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:50,680 Speaker 2: So how about let's talk about a few instances in 118 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:53,880 Speaker 2: our lives as a woman when we would be presented 119 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:56,479 Speaker 2: with an opportunity to say no. If we could just 120 00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:57,960 Speaker 2: think of a few, like, oh, I know. 121 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:01,599 Speaker 3: One right off the time of what comes up for me, 122 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:07,560 Speaker 3: And I know that I've experienced this, and lots of 123 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:12,640 Speaker 3: other women have experienced this too, where we're asked to 124 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:19,480 Speaker 3: do something socially right and we don't really want to go, 125 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:27,400 Speaker 3: and either we make excuses and like lie about why 126 00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:33,880 Speaker 3: we can't go, or we go and we feel miserable 127 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:35,120 Speaker 3: the entire time. 128 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:40,480 Speaker 2: Tread every minute, I'll suggest that why did I do that? Yes, 129 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:42,400 Speaker 2: and so here's my thing, Like and I know we're 130 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,960 Speaker 2: going to dive into a few other like situations like that, 131 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:47,240 Speaker 2: but I feel like you don't have like if you 132 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:49,240 Speaker 2: say no, you don't have to say no every single time, 133 00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:51,360 Speaker 2: Like it's okay to compromise there. Sometimes when I do 134 00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:54,000 Speaker 2: things that I may not necessarily want to do just 135 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,040 Speaker 2: because I know that it could be beneficial, Like I've 136 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:58,760 Speaker 2: gone to networking events that I'm like, I really don't 137 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:00,960 Speaker 2: want to go, but I might want to supper or a friend, right, 138 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,440 Speaker 2: but if you really, I think we're talking about situations 139 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:05,760 Speaker 2: where you really can't go or you really just don't 140 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:06,760 Speaker 2: want to at all. 141 00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:09,160 Speaker 3: And it's just like I just don't want to. I 142 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:10,200 Speaker 3: don't have it's. 143 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,520 Speaker 2: Been a stressful week, I'm tired, like whatever it is, 144 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:13,800 Speaker 2: I don't want to go, and I don't want to 145 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:16,200 Speaker 2: feel guilty about not saying it. And I think about 146 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:18,920 Speaker 2: something as simple as you being in the checkout and 147 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:20,760 Speaker 2: then asking, hey, do you want to donate a dollar 148 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:23,560 Speaker 2: to this charity? I say no all the time because 149 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:25,880 Speaker 2: all of the time. I mean, first of all, I 150 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:29,520 Speaker 2: do other I have other charitable you know, donations and 151 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:31,640 Speaker 2: outlets in my life, while I'm able to give and 152 00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:34,480 Speaker 2: I know exactly where the money's going, just saying But also, 153 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,040 Speaker 2: that's a good way. 154 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,960 Speaker 3: To practice right right, no, thank you. It's easy to 155 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:43,319 Speaker 3: practice on like the small things, so taking baby steps 156 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:46,760 Speaker 3: when you are trying to get in the habit of 157 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,160 Speaker 3: learning to say no. So for instance, if we go 158 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:54,520 Speaker 3: back to like our example of your girlfriend calls you 159 00:08:54,679 --> 00:09:02,000 Speaker 3: it's Wednesday, right homegirl, is like it's week ooh ooh ooh, 160 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,920 Speaker 3: and she's like so excited, and she's like, oh, this weekend, 161 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:09,360 Speaker 3: like there's this brunch and it's from like twelve to 162 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:14,560 Speaker 3: three o'clock. I've been dying to check this place out. 163 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:19,280 Speaker 3: You don't really want to go for whatever, whatever the 164 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:23,640 Speaker 3: reason may be. Normally you're down for a brunch, right, 165 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:30,960 Speaker 3: who's not down for bottomless nomosis? Right? But this weekend 166 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:35,960 Speaker 3: you really don't want to go. How can we say no? 167 00:09:37,679 --> 00:09:47,280 Speaker 3: Because hitting her with well, I got the gym and 168 00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:54,200 Speaker 3: laundry and whatever other excuses we can come up with 169 00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:58,679 Speaker 3: might not fit. It'll it might get you out of 170 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:04,520 Speaker 3: the event, but it doesn't feel authentic. So how do 171 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:09,280 Speaker 3: we just say no? That is the question. 172 00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:14,120 Speaker 2: That's the question we're going to dive into because I 173 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:17,720 Speaker 2: know for me, I've had family situations in particular, whether 174 00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:20,319 Speaker 2: it's like family wants me to do a favor, they 175 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,480 Speaker 2: want to know if I can like come to an 176 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:25,959 Speaker 2: event or like, lately, because I guess friends be thinking 177 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,679 Speaker 2: I'm like leading on social media, I had a few 178 00:10:28,679 --> 00:10:30,280 Speaker 2: friends like, oh, can you share this post for me 179 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:32,000 Speaker 2: one of my cousins? Can you share my music with 180 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:36,080 Speaker 2: your followers? Like no, don't make me laugh with your 181 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:36,960 Speaker 2: facialist person. 182 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:40,040 Speaker 3: Now, I was not trying to laugh. So the reason 183 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:44,840 Speaker 3: why even be laughed, y'all if y'all can see us right. 184 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:48,520 Speaker 2: Now, because may laugh, y'all, No, I don't. Here's the thing, 185 00:10:48,559 --> 00:10:50,600 Speaker 2: I don't think. I'm like, I'm not nobody special. I'm 186 00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:52,080 Speaker 2: just out here doing the best I can. But I 187 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:53,839 Speaker 2: think what people perceive you to be a certain way 188 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:55,600 Speaker 2: some times, like oh, you have more followers than me, 189 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,000 Speaker 2: can you share this music? And it's like I had 190 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:01,000 Speaker 2: to break it down to my little cousin, Like, because 191 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:03,280 Speaker 2: I support you, I think it's great, keep doing your thing, 192 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:05,840 Speaker 2: but that's just not appropriate, right, It's like it's not appropriate, 193 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:08,839 Speaker 2: like my followers are not your target market. So I 194 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:11,160 Speaker 2: gave him resources on like what he could do, but 195 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,120 Speaker 2: I did say no because that's just that's not the 196 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:15,320 Speaker 2: type of system that I run, you know what I mean, 197 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,600 Speaker 2: where it's like spamming my my. 198 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:22,280 Speaker 3: Yah yeah, connections. I think that's a great example, right, 199 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,160 Speaker 3: because I think that that puts us a lot of 200 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:27,120 Speaker 3: us in like that hard position because if we think 201 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:29,120 Speaker 3: about it, we're just real about it, and we think 202 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:34,160 Speaker 3: about our podcasts. Those of you who are listening right now, 203 00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:39,240 Speaker 3: you may feel okay, let me go share this, but 204 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:43,079 Speaker 3: then you may ask somebody else to go and share 205 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:49,839 Speaker 3: it and they're like, hmm, this doesn't fit with my platform, right. 206 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,880 Speaker 3: But even for us, like asking like our friends and 207 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:59,839 Speaker 3: family to promote our podcast, that's a hard conversation to 208 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:05,680 Speaker 3: have to say, you know what, promoting your music is 209 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:10,160 Speaker 3: a different requires a different platform than what I'm doing 210 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:15,079 Speaker 3: with the podcast, and so how can I still show 211 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:19,360 Speaker 3: support without mixing the two. 212 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:21,959 Speaker 2: Exactly because I really didn't want to hurt his feelings either, 213 00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:24,880 Speaker 2: And that makes me think about, like what feelings come 214 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:27,280 Speaker 2: up when we let's think about it, What feelings come 215 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:29,200 Speaker 2: up when you have to say no? Like there are 216 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:32,680 Speaker 2: sometimes when someone asks you something and you're just like, bruh, 217 00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:35,439 Speaker 2: that's a hard no. You already know before you even respond, 218 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:37,560 Speaker 2: and sometimes you have to think about it. But for 219 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:39,839 Speaker 2: those moments when you do have to deliver that no, 220 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:43,319 Speaker 2: whether it's you know, I mean, even when you're interviewing people, 221 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,319 Speaker 2: like I've had to interview people for positions and it's 222 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,679 Speaker 2: like for job positions and things like that, and it's 223 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,679 Speaker 2: like it's tough saying no because that on the other hand, 224 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:54,280 Speaker 2: that person is feeling rejected in some way in some cases. 225 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:56,240 Speaker 2: So I guess for me, my question would be, like, 226 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:59,120 Speaker 2: how do you feel when you are in a situation 227 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:00,920 Speaker 2: where you have to say to someone. 228 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,480 Speaker 3: Well, most of the time, what happens is is that 229 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:07,400 Speaker 3: people feel The biggest feeling that comes up for people 230 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:11,000 Speaker 3: is guilt. Guilt, m that's a good one. Like you 231 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:16,960 Speaker 3: end up feeling bad because going back to our Brenee 232 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:20,880 Speaker 3: Brown quote, we don't want to disappoint them, like we 233 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:24,120 Speaker 3: feel bad that we've had to say no. 234 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:28,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel bad, I would say, even like I 235 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:30,920 Speaker 2: get a little, like maybe a little anxious, like I 236 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:33,760 Speaker 2: feel something in my body because it's like, oh damn. 237 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,880 Speaker 2: I think one of the things that comes up is like, 238 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:37,839 Speaker 2: what is this person going to think. I don't want 239 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:40,680 Speaker 2: to hurt their feelings. I don't want to mess up 240 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,400 Speaker 2: their relationship. I don't want to make this awkward. Like 241 00:13:43,559 --> 00:13:46,400 Speaker 2: a lot of different things come up there, but I 242 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:49,320 Speaker 2: think it's going to be it's powerful when you do 243 00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:50,920 Speaker 2: get to a place where you can say no with 244 00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:54,440 Speaker 2: ease and you don't have to worry about all this 245 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,000 Speaker 2: because that's stressful, you know what I mean, it's really stressful. 246 00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:00,400 Speaker 3: So I think the other thing that comes up. There's 247 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,920 Speaker 3: a couple of things. Yeah, So the fear of missing out, 248 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:09,319 Speaker 3: that whole fomo thing, that is a more common feeling 249 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:14,199 Speaker 3: that people experience. Okay, and it's not just younger generations, right, 250 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:17,120 Speaker 3: it's not just the teenagers. That's not even though that's 251 00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:21,320 Speaker 3: a newer term that we're using, fomo, it's a feeling 252 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:23,840 Speaker 3: that's been around for a long time. Right. So if 253 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:27,040 Speaker 3: we you know, if we say, if we're afraid to 254 00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:30,160 Speaker 3: tell our girlfriends, oh yeah, I'm gonna miss brunch this weekend, 255 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:32,520 Speaker 3: we may go along even though we don't want to, 256 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:35,120 Speaker 3: because we don't want to miss out because we know 257 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:37,600 Speaker 3: that all the girls, that the whole crew is getting together. 258 00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,920 Speaker 3: And even though we know that it's going to cause 259 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:43,640 Speaker 3: a strain on us, whatever that strain may look like, 260 00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:48,880 Speaker 3: we still say yes because we're afraid to miss out. 261 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,520 Speaker 2: And that sounds like a no, a conversation where we 262 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:53,280 Speaker 2: have to say new to ourselves in a way where 263 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,280 Speaker 2: it's like you have to kind of have a moment. 264 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:56,880 Speaker 2: I talk to myself all the time. Let me just 265 00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:59,200 Speaker 2: put that out there. I don't response. I know what 266 00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:01,720 Speaker 2: they say if you respond to yourself. So I do 267 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:05,120 Speaker 2: have conversations with myself. I'm not even gonna say they're 268 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:05,680 Speaker 2: not out loud. 269 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:07,120 Speaker 3: Because they are. But it's all good anyway. 270 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:10,160 Speaker 2: So when you say, when you're in a situation like 271 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,800 Speaker 2: that and you're like, oh, I really want to go 272 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:13,520 Speaker 2: with them, but it's like I don't want to miss out, 273 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:16,000 Speaker 2: that's the moment where you may have to tell yourself likeself, 274 00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:18,400 Speaker 2: you need to prioritize. You know, you need to study, 275 00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:20,680 Speaker 2: you know you need to like work on that work assignment. 276 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:22,080 Speaker 2: You know you need to like go to them. You 277 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:23,760 Speaker 2: said you're gonna go to the gym, and you're gonna 278 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:25,400 Speaker 2: have to say no to your friends and say no 279 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:30,880 Speaker 2: to yourself, not this time. So yeah, many situations where 280 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:31,440 Speaker 2: we have to say no. 281 00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:36,280 Speaker 3: I think the other feeling that comes up too is 282 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:38,880 Speaker 3: or the other idea that comes up is perfectionism. 283 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:40,160 Speaker 2: Oh tell me. 284 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:49,720 Speaker 3: More so when it comes to saying no and setting 285 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:54,640 Speaker 3: those boundaries, if saying no for the perfectionists, if saying 286 00:15:54,760 --> 00:16:01,240 Speaker 3: no means shattering that image of perfection, or saying no 287 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:06,960 Speaker 3: means you know that you won't look like your best 288 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:12,800 Speaker 3: self or that event is not gonna be the perfect 289 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:16,280 Speaker 3: image that the perfect event that you were looking forward 290 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:20,600 Speaker 3: to or that you were trying to plan. If, in 291 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:24,720 Speaker 3: any way what it is that you're working towards you're 292 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:28,240 Speaker 3: afraid that it won't be perfect, then you find yourself 293 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:31,880 Speaker 3: in a situation where you're saying yes to things and 294 00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:37,440 Speaker 3: agreeing to do things to make this thing look perfect, 295 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:42,080 Speaker 3: when really you're hurting yourself in the process. 296 00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:44,680 Speaker 2: I never thought about that. That's a really good point. 297 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:48,760 Speaker 2: That is really interesting. H And I guess any other 298 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,200 Speaker 2: feelings there that you can think of. 299 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:52,720 Speaker 3: I think those are the major ways. 300 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:55,160 Speaker 2: Because those are big, right, Yeah, I agree for sure, 301 00:16:56,120 --> 00:17:01,240 Speaker 2: perfection and anxiety just like usful. I had a situation 302 00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:03,440 Speaker 2: on recently. But you know what, let me tell you 303 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:05,480 Speaker 2: the story. So recently I met with one of my 304 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:09,320 Speaker 2: coaches and we had such an amazing session. Like our 305 00:17:09,359 --> 00:17:11,719 Speaker 2: sessions are so dope and we get like teary eyed. 306 00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:13,840 Speaker 2: I mean, we talk about a lot of sensitive topics 307 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,760 Speaker 2: and I have these personal breakthroughs and it was such 308 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:18,960 Speaker 2: a great session. I am a hugger. I get off 309 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,879 Speaker 2: in the moment and I'm like, oh God. So she 310 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,080 Speaker 2: was leaving and I was like, and I had something 311 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:24,719 Speaker 2: told me to just ask her because I like to 312 00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:26,680 Speaker 2: ask for permission before I just like we used to 313 00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:29,199 Speaker 2: hug someone or touch someone orth like that. And so 314 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:32,240 Speaker 2: I said to you, I was like, I said, I'm 315 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:33,520 Speaker 2: a hugger. Can I give you a hug. 316 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:33,960 Speaker 3: After our session? 317 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,800 Speaker 2: Because we were like all in a moment and she said, 318 00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:38,000 Speaker 2: oh no, I'm okay, thank you or something like that. 319 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:39,919 Speaker 2: And I in that moment it kind of because you 320 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,280 Speaker 2: know how when you go ask someone like can I 321 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:44,280 Speaker 2: give you a hug, You're kind of already got your arms. 322 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:44,640 Speaker 3: A little open. 323 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:47,760 Speaker 2: You're kind of expecting it, right, because sometimes we do that. 324 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,800 Speaker 2: We asked some one something, but we expect them to 325 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:51,600 Speaker 2: say yes. And I was kind of called in the 326 00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,160 Speaker 2: moment and it took me back because I paused, oh shit, 327 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,639 Speaker 2: she said no, let me move my hands. So I 328 00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:59,320 Speaker 2: was like five percent salty, but I was about ninety 329 00:17:59,359 --> 00:18:02,120 Speaker 2: five percent powered because I was like, Yo, I love 330 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:05,119 Speaker 2: the way she said that and she stood, she stood 331 00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:06,600 Speaker 2: firm on what she believes. And I was like, Yo, 332 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,240 Speaker 2: that was dope as shit. So next time I see you, 333 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:10,760 Speaker 2: I'm going to tell her, like, I really appreciated you 334 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:13,720 Speaker 2: saying no. I recognize that, and I'm going to use 335 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,960 Speaker 2: that in my own life because it was it wasn't rude, 336 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:17,280 Speaker 2: it wasn't disrespectful. 337 00:18:17,359 --> 00:18:18,560 Speaker 3: She set a boundary with me. 338 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,719 Speaker 2: And afterwards, I was like, oh shit, that's true, Like 339 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,119 Speaker 2: she is like, we are in a professional space, Like 340 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,119 Speaker 2: I guess it wouldn't be appropriate to be like hugging 341 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:26,120 Speaker 2: up in here, because you. 342 00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:29,159 Speaker 3: Know, but people hugging professional spaces. People do, people do. 343 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:31,680 Speaker 3: But it was just like, and it's not always appropriate. 344 00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:36,560 Speaker 3: Uh oh, just shade, but no. 345 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:38,440 Speaker 2: I thought it was like it was a really good 346 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,639 Speaker 2: example for me, and it stood out to me and 347 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,040 Speaker 2: I just thought about it and I was like, that 348 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:43,960 Speaker 2: was so dope how she did that. I'm so going 349 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:45,160 Speaker 2: to do that in my own life. 350 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:50,000 Speaker 3: So I think that's a great example because it also 351 00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:54,240 Speaker 3: talks about that also can be applied to interacting with children. 352 00:18:56,600 --> 00:19:00,479 Speaker 3: I remember having a conversation with another psychologist and she 353 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:04,800 Speaker 3: was talking about her daughter and how her daughter was 354 00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:08,479 Speaker 3: like under five at the time, and she was teaching 355 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:13,919 Speaker 3: her daughter under five about appropriate boundary setting, and she 356 00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:16,800 Speaker 3: told her daughter that her daughter did not that she 357 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:19,320 Speaker 3: did not have to hug anybody, that she did not 358 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:23,920 Speaker 3: feel comfortable hugging it. And what that did was because 359 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,600 Speaker 3: you know, you go to your family, at least I 360 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,639 Speaker 3: know in my family, like you walk in the door, 361 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,560 Speaker 3: and that's how you greet people. You greet everyone with 362 00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:37,440 Speaker 3: a hug. But some people are not okay with touching 363 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:41,560 Speaker 3: any type of touching. Yes, And so she gave her 364 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:45,240 Speaker 3: daughter that permission to say no to people. And she 365 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,840 Speaker 3: said that there were some adults in the family who 366 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:52,520 Speaker 3: were taken aback by it at first, but eventually everybody 367 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:56,879 Speaker 3: learned to respect it. Because you're teaching your daughter boundary setting, 368 00:19:57,359 --> 00:20:01,640 Speaker 3: you're teaching her autonomy, her own body as well. There's 369 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:06,439 Speaker 3: so many lessons, so many many lessons within that that 370 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,800 Speaker 3: that young girl is going to be empowered early on. 371 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,000 Speaker 2: That is so I'm so happy you brought that up 372 00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:13,600 Speaker 2: because my mom used to do that with me and 373 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,760 Speaker 2: my sisters, and I feel like most of us know 374 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,359 Speaker 2: what it's like. It's unfortunate, but I feel like it 375 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,000 Speaker 2: is what it is. Where you have those some people 376 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,760 Speaker 2: in the family, they're usually their uncles, and you already 377 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:26,120 Speaker 2: know people are like stay away from stay away from 378 00:20:26,119 --> 00:20:27,600 Speaker 2: that one and stuff like that. My mom used to 379 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,320 Speaker 2: tell us you don't have to hug anybody, and if 380 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:32,800 Speaker 2: anybody does anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, you let 381 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:34,880 Speaker 2: them know. And I remember there was this one uncle 382 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:36,840 Speaker 2: that used to always, you know, someone gives you a hug, 383 00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:38,480 Speaker 2: but it's a little too long, like a hand, a 384 00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:40,959 Speaker 2: little too a little too low, and it's small my 385 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:41,600 Speaker 2: back or you. 386 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:43,360 Speaker 3: You cone up behind whispering. 387 00:20:43,359 --> 00:20:45,680 Speaker 2: You don't got to do all that, you do all that, Okay, 388 00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:47,960 Speaker 2: it's too much, doing too much, doing too much. And 389 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:51,000 Speaker 2: so she always being inappropriate. And so I feel like 390 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,199 Speaker 2: that your friend is so amazing that she told her 391 00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:55,959 Speaker 2: daughter that, because in situations like that, I remember as 392 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,679 Speaker 2: a young kid before I really felt empowered to like 393 00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,159 Speaker 2: take my mom's advice, I. 394 00:21:00,119 --> 00:21:01,320 Speaker 3: Would just you're a kid. 395 00:21:01,359 --> 00:21:04,240 Speaker 2: This is an adult and authority figure. So I wouldn't 396 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:07,800 Speaker 2: say anything because I didn't really know, like what do 397 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:09,560 Speaker 2: I say? How do I say to this adult? 398 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,400 Speaker 3: Can you not do that? You know what I mean? 399 00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:14,320 Speaker 2: And so it was very difficult. Now I don't have 400 00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:17,320 Speaker 2: a problem with that, and so, yeah, that's important. 401 00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:21,119 Speaker 3: But I think the helpful piece within that situation was 402 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:26,360 Speaker 3: that mom was able to say to model for her 403 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:31,040 Speaker 3: daughter and back up her daughter. So when her daughter 404 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:34,560 Speaker 3: would say no, and any adult in the room was 405 00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:37,719 Speaker 3: taken aback. Mom would be right there to have her 406 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,000 Speaker 3: back to say she said no exactly. 407 00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:44,360 Speaker 2: She said what she said. She said what she said. Okay, 408 00:21:45,359 --> 00:21:47,560 Speaker 2: no explanation is no justification. 409 00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:51,200 Speaker 3: She said it. No is a full statements. 410 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:56,920 Speaker 2: Who won't check her booth. It's a silly day over 411 00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:59,040 Speaker 2: here on the High Space podcast. Okay, we got the 412 00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:01,959 Speaker 2: giggles today. So yeah, I think that's really important. I 413 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:05,000 Speaker 2: love the topic. I would love to also, I don't know, 414 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:08,320 Speaker 2: maybe we should dive into. I found this really cool 415 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:10,119 Speaker 2: article and it has like a few different ways that 416 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:12,880 Speaker 2: you can say no, because I know, for me, even 417 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,399 Speaker 2: when I do say no, I do add a little 418 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:18,399 Speaker 2: justification and explanation in there because I do. I care 419 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:21,879 Speaker 2: about people's feelings and I know that I may I 420 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:25,480 Speaker 2: know did not just I know, but like it's a 421 00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:28,120 Speaker 2: situation where it's like, you know, your cousin's like can 422 00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:30,399 Speaker 2: you shoot my mixtape with your friends? Can you shoot 423 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:34,640 Speaker 2: with your I mean those situations I. 424 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,400 Speaker 3: Would never in life just say. 425 00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:41,119 Speaker 2: I would never in life just send him like a no. 426 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:43,600 Speaker 2: You know, I do want to provide a little guidance 427 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:45,800 Speaker 2: in those situations, especially because he's like a young guy. 428 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:49,000 Speaker 2: But there are different ways, and so I want to 429 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:51,080 Speaker 2: just read off this list and feel free to write 430 00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:54,320 Speaker 2: down whatever resonates with you, put it in your toolbox, 431 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:57,040 Speaker 2: use it when you need to. But these are just 432 00:22:57,200 --> 00:22:59,440 Speaker 2: a few ways to say no and dom if you 433 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:02,080 Speaker 2: want to prize and feedback, girl, let's do it. The 434 00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:04,680 Speaker 2: first is excellent for the scenario that you brought up 435 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,679 Speaker 2: about the brunch on the weekend, and so it simply 436 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:10,880 Speaker 2: says I can't, I don't have any room in my calendar, 437 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:12,360 Speaker 2: or I'm not free. 438 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:13,200 Speaker 3: There you go. 439 00:23:14,119 --> 00:23:16,320 Speaker 2: It's straight to the point. You're not necessarily using the 440 00:23:16,359 --> 00:23:18,679 Speaker 2: word no, but like you're making it clear that I 441 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:19,520 Speaker 2: cannot do this. 442 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:24,600 Speaker 3: You can also say I can't I'm not interested this time. 443 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,639 Speaker 3: There you go. It may open the door to a 444 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:31,000 Speaker 3: bigger conversation. They may try to poke and say, well, 445 00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:32,800 Speaker 3: why aren't you interested? Why you don't want to go 446 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:36,600 Speaker 3: to brunch today? Girl? You don't have to continue in 447 00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:40,520 Speaker 3: that conversation, and you can say I'm just no longer 448 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:42,000 Speaker 3: interested today. 449 00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:44,760 Speaker 2: But thank you in the conversation that said goodbye. Like 450 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:48,000 Speaker 2: you know what I mean, Because people ask I feel 451 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:51,119 Speaker 2: like people ask questions sometimes and that is them like 452 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:54,520 Speaker 2: they have a tendency to overstep boundaries. Maybe that's another 453 00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:57,320 Speaker 2: episode what to do when people overstep the boundary. We're 454 00:23:57,320 --> 00:24:03,000 Speaker 2: talking about setting the boundary, but then pardon is how not. 455 00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:05,119 Speaker 3: To be that person who's overstepping the boundary. 456 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:10,080 Speaker 2: Oh that part I like that. So that's one another one. 457 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:12,800 Speaker 2: M you don't even gotta do that. Let me take 458 00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:15,840 Speaker 2: that back. You don't have to be apologetic. I can't. 459 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,400 Speaker 2: I really don't enjoy that work. So if someone wants 460 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:21,159 Speaker 2: you to volunteer or like take on another project, you 461 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:22,480 Speaker 2: know what, I really don't enjoy doing that. 462 00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:23,040 Speaker 3: No thank you. 463 00:24:23,119 --> 00:24:28,040 Speaker 2: I would like that a little thank you, no thank you. 464 00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:28,119 Speaker 3: No thank you can be the complete sentence. 465 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:30,280 Speaker 2: That could be the complete sentence right there. 466 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,840 Speaker 3: You don't have to offer an explanation. You just say 467 00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:37,080 Speaker 3: no thank you. All right, what's our next one? 468 00:24:37,119 --> 00:24:37,840 Speaker 2: All right, let's see. 469 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:39,520 Speaker 3: I'm just kind of skimming to see, Okay, what do 470 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:40,159 Speaker 3: we want to do? 471 00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:44,400 Speaker 2: Because they have a flat of extra ones, I needed 472 00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:46,720 Speaker 2: to leave some free time for myself, and I feel 473 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:49,040 Speaker 2: like that's not really I feel like that is a 474 00:24:49,119 --> 00:24:51,320 Speaker 2: little bit. It's kind of explaining. 475 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:52,240 Speaker 3: I don't know. 476 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,800 Speaker 2: I'm an overshare sometimes, so I like to I just 477 00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:56,800 Speaker 2: like to let people know like where I'm at and 478 00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:58,720 Speaker 2: like you know, Mike, you're on the same page, if 479 00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:00,680 Speaker 2: that makes sense. So I still, as you can see, 480 00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:02,400 Speaker 2: I am still a work in progress. This is hard 481 00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:03,360 Speaker 2: for me, okay. 482 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:04,560 Speaker 3: Yeah, and I'm just gonna say it. Like I think 483 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:08,520 Speaker 3: that that's a great point, is that you can't be 484 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:11,040 Speaker 3: you can't go from being that person that always says 485 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:16,080 Speaker 3: yes to then you're on that complete opposite extreme saying 486 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:19,440 Speaker 3: no to everything, and so there's gotta be some There 487 00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:21,359 Speaker 3: is gonna be some back and forth. There is gonna 488 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:26,800 Speaker 3: be sometimes, are gonna be sometimes when you do provide 489 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:30,520 Speaker 3: that explanation because you don't completely feel comfortable. 490 00:25:30,119 --> 00:25:33,919 Speaker 2: Saying no exactly. It takes practice. 491 00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:35,960 Speaker 3: And I think that's a good tip to point out, 492 00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:40,480 Speaker 3: is that it takes practice saying no. You can try 493 00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:43,560 Speaker 3: saying it in the mirror, you can try saying it 494 00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:47,040 Speaker 3: in the car, you can try saying it to things, 495 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:51,280 Speaker 3: just because just to try it out. 496 00:25:52,359 --> 00:25:54,639 Speaker 2: I would agree. And I think also speaking of what 497 00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:57,160 Speaker 2: you said, just because you have an opening on your 498 00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:59,960 Speaker 2: calendar or just because you are free doesn't mean you 499 00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:02,120 Speaker 2: have to fill that space. So if you really don't 500 00:26:02,119 --> 00:26:04,439 Speaker 2: want to do it don't and if someone and you 501 00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:06,120 Speaker 2: have to think about it this way, if you say 502 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:08,240 Speaker 2: no about something like let's say, for instance, my coach 503 00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:11,240 Speaker 2: when she said, oh, no, I'm good, and it was 504 00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:13,640 Speaker 2: very sweet, but she was very clear. If I would 505 00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:15,040 Speaker 2: have gotten mad at her and then would have had 506 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:17,480 Speaker 2: an attitude and then would have like wanted to work 507 00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:19,000 Speaker 2: with a different coach, that would have. 508 00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:20,520 Speaker 3: Been more like my shit, you know what I mean? 509 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:21,800 Speaker 3: Like she was clear on. 510 00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:23,199 Speaker 2: Her boundary, but like if I would have had an 511 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:25,600 Speaker 2: attitude and wanted to be staking, it's like, yo, I 512 00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:27,960 Speaker 2: gotta check myself. Like why so if someone makes you 513 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:30,160 Speaker 2: feel bad for you saying no, one's setting a boundary, 514 00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:33,240 Speaker 2: you really have to question that relationship, you know what 515 00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:33,640 Speaker 2: I mean? 516 00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:36,119 Speaker 3: Right? And that goes back to what we were saying about. 517 00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:42,439 Speaker 3: Next episode could be how to accept no from others? Ooh, 518 00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:46,040 Speaker 3: like what does that mean when you're the person who 519 00:26:46,119 --> 00:26:47,800 Speaker 3: is overstepping the boundaries. 520 00:26:48,119 --> 00:26:50,400 Speaker 2: That's a good one. That's a really good one because 521 00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:53,800 Speaker 2: I've definitely experienced that with my siblings, being as though 522 00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:56,159 Speaker 2: like I, you know, helped raise them, I had to 523 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,040 Speaker 2: be like their parents for a long time and they 524 00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:00,359 Speaker 2: got older and I was like, oh, you don't have 525 00:27:00,359 --> 00:27:02,000 Speaker 2: to listen to me all like, I mean, you still 526 00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:03,720 Speaker 2: got to respect me, but you don't have to listen 527 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:05,240 Speaker 2: to me and do what I say. And I have 528 00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:08,000 Speaker 2: to now respect you and your boundaries. So for me, 529 00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:10,040 Speaker 2: that's a very interesting dynamic. 530 00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:12,480 Speaker 3: Of ooh, I know my sisters are out there saying time. 531 00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:15,600 Speaker 3: I hope you paying attention for real, right. 532 00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:17,840 Speaker 2: I know my siblings are probably like, yeah, remember that 533 00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:20,879 Speaker 2: next time when you Yeah. So that's okay. Let me 534 00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:23,280 Speaker 2: just share another example my little sisters. I don't know 535 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:26,920 Speaker 2: if she's gonna listen, but she it's her birthday. It 536 00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:29,439 Speaker 2: was her birthday earlier this month, and she wanted me 537 00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:33,119 Speaker 2: to order her something from this online store that the 538 00:27:33,119 --> 00:27:35,480 Speaker 2: many of us probably know but we're not getting paid. 539 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:37,040 Speaker 3: I'm not gonna shout them out, no no. 540 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:40,560 Speaker 2: Free from So she asked me to order her this 541 00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:42,959 Speaker 2: shirt and so this outfit. And I was like, all right, 542 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:44,800 Speaker 2: it's your birthday. I usually try to do that for 543 00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:46,840 Speaker 2: my siblings when I can. So I look at the 544 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:48,440 Speaker 2: outphan and I was like, all right, the jeans are cool. 545 00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:51,080 Speaker 2: But I was like, y'all, I'm not ordering you this 546 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:53,920 Speaker 2: top because your booby's gonna be showing. I'm not doing 547 00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:56,040 Speaker 2: that because it's like a little little too much cleavage. 548 00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:58,800 Speaker 2: And she was like, are you serious and I was like, yeah, 549 00:27:58,800 --> 00:27:59,640 Speaker 2: I'm not doing. 550 00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:01,239 Speaker 3: You about to won't give me in trouble and I'm 551 00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:02,480 Speaker 3: not about to have you all here. Looked like no, 552 00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:03,760 Speaker 3: I ain't. 553 00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:05,120 Speaker 2: Gonna say the word that I used, but I said 554 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:07,119 Speaker 2: a little something something and she was like, Okay, I'm 555 00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:09,120 Speaker 2: gonna look for another one. And then later I got 556 00:28:09,119 --> 00:28:10,919 Speaker 2: her different shirt and she's like, oh, I went back 557 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:12,600 Speaker 2: to that other shirt, and I'll see what you're talking about. 558 00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:14,440 Speaker 2: I didn't see it before, but I had to say 559 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:16,240 Speaker 2: no to her. And that was an instance where it 560 00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:18,760 Speaker 2: was like it was appropriate because I'm not about to 561 00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:21,119 Speaker 2: have her looking like she's about to go walk the 562 00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:22,879 Speaker 2: streets what they call them back in the day night. 563 00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:25,080 Speaker 3: Yeah, we're not about to do that. 564 00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:28,280 Speaker 2: So you know, sometimes you do have to say no 565 00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:29,480 Speaker 2: your siblings. 566 00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:34,639 Speaker 3: Yes, sometimes you do. And I think even as I 567 00:28:34,720 --> 00:28:38,760 Speaker 3: was listening to that situation, like what was coming up 568 00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:41,960 Speaker 3: for me was what if that's what she really wanted. 569 00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:46,200 Speaker 3: She's underage, That's the part I left out. 570 00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:49,080 Speaker 4: She's underage, So I left that far out and okay, 571 00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:53,160 Speaker 4: And so I think that though like that there that 572 00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:59,280 Speaker 4: sometimes there are parameters and there are legit reasons why 573 00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:02,040 Speaker 4: we really we should be saying. 574 00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:03,760 Speaker 2: No exactly for sure. 575 00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:08,520 Speaker 3: And then again it's about thinking about, like what what 576 00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:13,520 Speaker 3: boundaries are important for us? And why are they important 577 00:29:13,560 --> 00:29:16,760 Speaker 3: from us? So when we're trying to figure out, like, okay, 578 00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:21,520 Speaker 3: do I really want to say no to this event 579 00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:26,840 Speaker 3: or to this activity? Why do I want to say no? 580 00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:28,760 Speaker 2: And even if you don't share that with the person, 581 00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:31,400 Speaker 2: like just getting clear with it yourself, whether they're like 582 00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:34,080 Speaker 2: I'm tired, I don't feel like it. Okay, that's cool. 583 00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:37,240 Speaker 2: But if that's you, that's okay. But sometimes you don't 584 00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:39,720 Speaker 2: want to like hurt the person that you're saying yes 585 00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:41,920 Speaker 2: to when you say yes to something you don't even 586 00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:44,080 Speaker 2: have the capacity to take it on, because that could 587 00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:46,080 Speaker 2: just make things even worse because then you don't show 588 00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:48,040 Speaker 2: up and you're not as president as you could be. 589 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:50,239 Speaker 2: Maybe you have an attitude so that just when we 590 00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:52,200 Speaker 2: say yes to things and commit to things that we 591 00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:54,560 Speaker 2: really don't want to do, it could just snowball into 592 00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:56,080 Speaker 2: something way bigger. 593 00:29:56,240 --> 00:30:01,520 Speaker 3: And the thing that it brings up further is how 594 00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:04,560 Speaker 3: to really check in with other boundaries that maybe you 595 00:30:04,840 --> 00:30:09,040 Speaker 3: could be setting to make your life feel a little 596 00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:12,240 Speaker 3: bit less stressful. Right, So, if you're saying going off 597 00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:14,920 Speaker 3: with the example that you just gave, like, maybe I'm 598 00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:18,960 Speaker 3: saying no because I'm tired, Well why am I tired? Like, 599 00:30:19,120 --> 00:30:22,920 Speaker 3: let me step back, use this as an opportunity to 600 00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:26,400 Speaker 3: examine what is happening in my life that I'm finding 601 00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:31,000 Speaker 3: myself feeling so tired. And if I'm feeling so tired 602 00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:35,560 Speaker 3: when I'm looking at the things that I'm doing, are 603 00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:40,480 Speaker 3: there other areas where I can be saying no? Or 604 00:30:40,520 --> 00:30:45,560 Speaker 3: I can be making modifications so that I'm not tired 605 00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:48,680 Speaker 3: every weekend and missing out on brunch with my girlfriends. 606 00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:53,280 Speaker 3: Because brunch with your girlfriends might be that thing that 607 00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:55,800 Speaker 3: kind of pours into you, like we were talking about 608 00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:59,720 Speaker 3: in a previous episode. That's deep. That's good. 609 00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:03,800 Speaker 2: That's some deep. That's that, that's that's that psychology right there. 610 00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:05,200 Speaker 3: I love it. 611 00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:06,680 Speaker 2: No, that's a really good point. I didn't even think 612 00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:07,080 Speaker 2: about that. 613 00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:10,960 Speaker 3: It all ties in together, Like you you can find 614 00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:15,680 Speaker 3: yourself in a spiral of self examination. 615 00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:19,960 Speaker 2: Absolutely, And one thing I just want to not to 616 00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:20,960 Speaker 2: be all over the place. 617 00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:22,920 Speaker 3: I told you this is a silly episode. Today. 618 00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:24,760 Speaker 2: We have the giggles and everything, but I thought about 619 00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:28,400 Speaker 2: something that we didn't really touch on, and we talked 620 00:31:28,440 --> 00:31:33,200 Speaker 2: about like setting physical boundaries when someone like does something 621 00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:35,920 Speaker 2: on a physical level. 622 00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:37,600 Speaker 3: One thing I've gotten. 623 00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:39,840 Speaker 2: Good at as well is there people that are just 624 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:43,200 Speaker 2: touching Philly people and sometimes you don't even have to 625 00:31:43,240 --> 00:31:45,400 Speaker 2: say no. What I've started to do is if someone 626 00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:46,720 Speaker 2: touches me and I don't want to be touched, I 627 00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:49,840 Speaker 2: moved their hand. So literally this happened. I was somewhere 628 00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:51,640 Speaker 2: and this guy I literally don't I don't even know 629 00:31:51,680 --> 00:31:53,880 Speaker 2: who this guy was. It was like a random was 630 00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:57,480 Speaker 2: it networking? It was somewhere and it was, yeah, I 631 00:31:57,480 --> 00:31:59,480 Speaker 2: can't remember. It was somewhere, and he looked kind of like, 632 00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:02,960 Speaker 2: reachou about I think touched my shoulder and I picked 633 00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:04,520 Speaker 2: up his hand off my shoulder and just moved it 634 00:32:04,560 --> 00:32:06,160 Speaker 2: and he got the picture real quick, like don't put 635 00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:06,880 Speaker 2: your hand on my shoulder. 636 00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:08,840 Speaker 3: I'm good. And I didn't have to say anything. 637 00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:11,240 Speaker 2: It was more so meeting him where he thought he 638 00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:12,440 Speaker 2: was going to be me at and I was like, 639 00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:14,959 Speaker 2: I ain't even doing that, So that could be something too, 640 00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:19,680 Speaker 2: being like physical in a safe way, if that makes sense. 641 00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:22,720 Speaker 3: So talk to me a little bit more about that, because, like, 642 00:32:22,840 --> 00:32:26,120 Speaker 3: I know that that happens a lot in the workplace 643 00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:33,000 Speaker 3: settings where or networking events like professional settings where our 644 00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:39,320 Speaker 3: job might be dependent on this interaction, right, And in 645 00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:41,960 Speaker 3: that instance, you were able to like set that boundary 646 00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:45,960 Speaker 3: by politely, and it sounds like it wasn't even aggressive, 647 00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:46,760 Speaker 3: you just plightly. 648 00:32:47,640 --> 00:32:49,320 Speaker 2: I think I might have smiled as I did it, 649 00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:53,760 Speaker 2: like I had no thank you, and you removed his hand. 650 00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:57,040 Speaker 3: But my guess is that's not the first time you've 651 00:32:57,080 --> 00:33:02,200 Speaker 3: done that, I don't think. So can you think about 652 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:07,000 Speaker 3: a time when you didn't do it and how did 653 00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:07,760 Speaker 3: that make you feel? 654 00:33:09,480 --> 00:33:12,840 Speaker 2: Let me think, Well, honestly, I would consider myself to 655 00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:15,760 Speaker 2: be a touchy, philly person, like just like a nurturing person, 656 00:33:15,800 --> 00:33:18,239 Speaker 2: and so even I have colleagues, we might give each 657 00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:19,760 Speaker 2: other hugs and things like that at work, and so 658 00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:21,600 Speaker 2: I'm okay with that. But it's when it's someone that 659 00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:24,000 Speaker 2: I either don't know like this person, I didn't really 660 00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:26,600 Speaker 2: know that person well, or it's just a creepy person, 661 00:33:26,640 --> 00:33:29,520 Speaker 2: like you know, sometimes you get a vibe and you're like, okay, 662 00:33:29,560 --> 00:33:31,640 Speaker 2: you're not just this is not like an innocent, just 663 00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:34,760 Speaker 2: cordial sort of friendly thing, like you're being a creep 664 00:33:34,840 --> 00:33:36,080 Speaker 2: right now, I feel like. 665 00:33:38,080 --> 00:33:39,360 Speaker 3: Exactly. And in those. 666 00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:42,040 Speaker 2: Situations, I feel like that's when I'm able to that's 667 00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:45,280 Speaker 2: when it kicks in for me. But I gotta think 668 00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:47,400 Speaker 2: about that though, I'm gonna have to pay attention. I 669 00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:49,800 Speaker 2: feel like, now that we're talking about it, I'm sure 670 00:33:49,880 --> 00:33:52,080 Speaker 2: next week someone's gonna try me and I'm gonna have 671 00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:53,640 Speaker 2: to do it, and I'll have to tell you next time, 672 00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:55,680 Speaker 2: my girl, let me tell you. But I can't think 673 00:33:55,680 --> 00:33:59,320 Speaker 2: of anything at the moment. But I don't like those situations. 674 00:33:59,320 --> 00:34:02,400 Speaker 2: It is still on comfortable, but I still push myself 675 00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:03,800 Speaker 2: to advocate for myself. 676 00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:06,320 Speaker 3: So what's kind of going through your mind at that 677 00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:08,759 Speaker 3: time where you're like, is there like maybe like a 678 00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:13,759 Speaker 3: phrase or something that comes to mind that says, I 679 00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:18,000 Speaker 3: gotta do this, Like something that kind of motivates you 680 00:34:18,080 --> 00:34:22,600 Speaker 3: to stand up for yourself in those uncomfortable moments. 681 00:34:24,239 --> 00:34:26,319 Speaker 2: The first thing that came to mind where you just 682 00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:29,799 Speaker 2: asked me that was WTF, Like, Okay, what the F. 683 00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:32,200 Speaker 3: What's the first thing that came to mind? 684 00:34:32,239 --> 00:34:34,960 Speaker 2: Like why is this person's hand on me, and then 685 00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:36,680 Speaker 2: from there it's like what am I going to do? 686 00:34:38,080 --> 00:34:40,240 Speaker 2: And I think for me as well, like being someone 687 00:34:40,239 --> 00:34:43,040 Speaker 2: that is an abuse survivor, there are certain people I 688 00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:46,319 Speaker 2: don't want to to Some touches just don't feel good 689 00:34:46,360 --> 00:34:50,799 Speaker 2: and it can be like traumatizing or triggering. And so 690 00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:52,799 Speaker 2: for me that's like a fight or fight kind of 691 00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:56,040 Speaker 2: comes in where I feel a certain way on the inside, 692 00:34:56,520 --> 00:34:59,400 Speaker 2: But that just depends again on like the instincts. So 693 00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:01,960 Speaker 2: what kind of am I getting? But yet I'm gonna 694 00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:03,640 Speaker 2: have to pay more attention to that to think about, 695 00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:06,080 Speaker 2: like what's going through my mind when that happens. 696 00:35:07,280 --> 00:35:10,720 Speaker 3: Yeah, And I think oftentimes, like you raise an important 697 00:35:10,760 --> 00:35:13,040 Speaker 3: point that I think will probably have to touch on 698 00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:20,759 Speaker 3: a new episode of boundary setting for survivors, because that 699 00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:25,960 Speaker 3: can probably not probably I know that oftentimes that can 700 00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:29,520 Speaker 3: look a lot different than some of the situations that 701 00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:31,480 Speaker 3: we've talked about in today's episode. 702 00:35:31,680 --> 00:35:34,560 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a good point because I even work with students, 703 00:35:34,600 --> 00:35:36,880 Speaker 2: and like when I go to speaking engagements, me and 704 00:35:36,920 --> 00:35:40,120 Speaker 2: the students we vibe, you know, these are sometimes middle school, 705 00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:43,239 Speaker 2: high school, or college students. We vibe. Sometimes there are 706 00:35:43,239 --> 00:35:46,799 Speaker 2: tears and I've had to remind myself even though I 707 00:35:46,800 --> 00:35:50,000 Speaker 2: have good intentions, my intentions are pure, and so if 708 00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:52,160 Speaker 2: we're if they're sharing something with me, I want to 709 00:35:52,160 --> 00:35:53,799 Speaker 2: touch their shoulder. I had a student come up and 710 00:35:53,840 --> 00:35:57,200 Speaker 2: share a traumatizing experience with me after a speech, and 711 00:35:57,239 --> 00:35:58,839 Speaker 2: I wanted to give her a hug. And so now, 712 00:35:59,040 --> 00:36:02,080 Speaker 2: like reminding my self, asked to touch because I don't 713 00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:02,360 Speaker 2: want to. 714 00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:03,239 Speaker 3: I don't want to make. 715 00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:05,720 Speaker 2: Anyone uncomfortable, even though I'm coming from a good place. 716 00:36:06,120 --> 00:36:08,120 Speaker 2: And so that's something I'm mindful of in those moments 717 00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:10,160 Speaker 2: for sure, where it's like can I put my hand 718 00:36:10,160 --> 00:36:11,879 Speaker 2: on your shoulder? Can I give you a hug? 719 00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:12,520 Speaker 3: Is that okay? 720 00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:15,319 Speaker 2: And if they say no, obviously respecting their space, but 721 00:36:15,440 --> 00:36:17,600 Speaker 2: just not being that person that doesn't give them a 722 00:36:17,719 --> 00:36:21,319 Speaker 2: choice and re traumatizing them. So that's a really good point. 723 00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:22,440 Speaker 2: We should don't uncover that. 724 00:36:22,719 --> 00:36:27,439 Speaker 3: And I think, you know, when we kind of think 725 00:36:27,480 --> 00:36:30,200 Speaker 3: about all the ways that we've talked about boundaries, we've 726 00:36:30,239 --> 00:36:33,319 Speaker 3: talked about boundaries in a multitude of different and how 727 00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:37,719 Speaker 3: they come up for us in today's episode. So I 728 00:36:37,760 --> 00:36:41,200 Speaker 3: hope that you all were able to like stick along 729 00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:44,319 Speaker 3: with us for the ride and really keep up and 730 00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:48,680 Speaker 3: share some of the last with us, And if you 731 00:36:48,800 --> 00:36:51,919 Speaker 3: go to our show notes, I promise we will have 732 00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:55,000 Speaker 3: it in order for you so that you will know 733 00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:59,400 Speaker 3: exactly what tips are going to really be helpful for you, 734 00:36:59,480 --> 00:37:02,920 Speaker 3: and learn to just say no. 735 00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:08,120 Speaker 2: Just say no because no is a complete sentence. It 736 00:37:08,120 --> 00:37:12,960 Speaker 2: does not require justification or explanation. 737 00:37:13,400 --> 00:37:18,160 Speaker 3: Thanks for joining us today in her Space. Please note 738 00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:22,239 Speaker 3: that our show may contain conversations about self help, advice, 739 00:37:22,680 --> 00:37:25,719 Speaker 3: self empowerment, and mental health, but it is by no 740 00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:28,880 Speaker 3: means meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal 741 00:37:28,960 --> 00:37:33,120 Speaker 3: relationship with a trained mental health provider. If you are 742 00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:35,720 Speaker 3: someone you know is in need of mental health care, 743 00:37:36,080 --> 00:37:40,040 Speaker 3: please visit the Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today 744 00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:42,719 Speaker 3: or contact your insurance provider. 745 00:37:43,960 --> 00:37:46,040 Speaker 2: If you like what you heard and want to keep 746 00:37:46,040 --> 00:37:50,799 Speaker 2: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and 747 00:37:50,920 --> 00:37:56,680 Speaker 2: Twitter at her Space podcast or check out our website 748 00:37:56,719 --> 00:38:01,520 Speaker 2: at herspacepodcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat 749 00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:05,919 Speaker 2: after me, I am not defined by where I come 750 00:38:05,960 --> 00:38:10,240 Speaker 2: from or what happened to me. I get to create 751 00:38:10,560 --> 00:38:12,640 Speaker 2: my own destiny. 752 00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:18,080 Speaker 3: Thanks for joining us. We'll see you next week, Lady