Speaker 1: Yo, baby's good. Let me say this, what's up? The
Speaker 1: things I thought I valued and having a spouse don't
Speaker 1: even matter to me anymore. Dead as dead as for me,
Speaker 1: I always knew that I would be a better person
Speaker 1: with you as my spouse. A word, yes, dead ass, Yes,
Speaker 1: I know. I don't be acting like that every day,
Speaker 1: just saying I'll receive it. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're
Speaker 1: the ellis Is. You may know us from posting funny
Speaker 1: videos with our boys and reading each other publicly as
Speaker 1: a form of therapy. Wait, I'm making me derby most days.
Speaker 1: Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 1: We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about
Speaker 1: some of life's most taboots, things most folks don't want
Speaker 1: to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple.
Speaker 1: Dead ass is the term that we say every day.
Speaker 1: So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts,
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 1: We're about to take phillow talk to a whole new level.
Speaker 1: This is dead ass. This story time is part of
Speaker 1: one of the darkest times in our marriage. This was
Speaker 1: right after Jackson was born, about about a year after
Speaker 1: Jackson was born, and you and I were in I
Speaker 1: think we were in that that cruise control mode. You know.
Speaker 1: Codein had just decided that she wasn't gonna work full
Speaker 1: time anymore. I had the gym, I was booking commercials.
Speaker 1: I did a couple of small roles on television. I
Speaker 1: was making enough money so that Codein could cut back
Speaker 1: work part time, still make money to help help with
Speaker 1: the bills and stuff. But we were good. We had
Speaker 1: our health insurance. Everything was good. We finally had our
Speaker 1: feet underneath us, coming back from the recession. But finally,
Speaker 1: this was the point where I felt like my life
Speaker 1: was where I wanted it to be. I had my son,
Speaker 1: I had my wife. My wife didn't have to work
Speaker 1: full time. I was working fourteen hours, sometimes sixteen hours
Speaker 1: a day. But I was happy with that because this
Speaker 1: is what my job is as a husband. And I
Speaker 1: remember we went cruise control, and you and I we're
Speaker 1: not on the same page. You cooked, you cleaned. We
Speaker 1: were having sex on a consistent basis, and we were
Speaker 1: not happy. I wasn't happy. You wasn't happy. I had
Speaker 1: I had a son, apple of my eye, you know,
Speaker 1: like I had everything, and I wasn't happy, and I
Speaker 1: remember having a conversation with you about what you want
Speaker 1: out of life, and you were saying, I'm not sure,
Speaker 1: but I know this isn't it. And at that point
Speaker 1: that is when I realize what you are to me
Speaker 1: is more than just someone who justd chores. And that's
Speaker 1: when my idea of what a spouse is changed in
Speaker 1: that moment. All right, today, I got a special karaoke
Speaker 1: song for you. In college, this song came out and
Speaker 1: the young lady who was the video fixing in this
Speaker 1: song actually looks like you. It's your double ganger. Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: it's dedicated to you. Baby down and count me down
Speaker 1: four three two. You can have in need, think I
Speaker 1: got all of me right on the spot. Na na no, no,
Speaker 1: oh na no no, no, you can need think all
Speaker 1: of it, work my things all the way to the bone.
Speaker 1: He Na no, no, no no, no, no, no, oh na
Speaker 1: no no no, I do that, betacious? You really went
Speaker 1: in the home in udiiculous grass is you see that?
Speaker 1: You see the mouth? You know the jat is you
Speaker 1: on the jack mouth? Right? All right? So that was
Speaker 1: a nice little loaded story time. Let's just unpack the
Speaker 1: story because I think we definitely. We both have our
Speaker 1: perspectives on what that time frame looked like for us. So,
Speaker 1: in you realizing out the value that you saw in
Speaker 1: having me as your spouse, how did it change? What
Speaker 1: did it look like for you? As you then figured
Speaker 1: out in your own mind, this is what I want,
Speaker 1: This is what I thought I wanted and what I
Speaker 1: need now. Well, for me, it was I thought I
Speaker 1: drunk the American kool aid. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: There were certain things you have to do in your
Speaker 1: life in a certain order to be considered successful. You
Speaker 1: graduate from high school, graduate from college, start a career,
Speaker 1: get married, by a house, have kids. You do all
Speaker 1: of this, you happy. So in that there were also
Speaker 1: steps to having a wife, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Make sure that your wife doesn't have to work full
Speaker 1: time so you can't take care of the kids. Done.
Speaker 1: Make sure your wife cooks, make sure she cleans, make
Speaker 1: sure she looks good, make sure you have sex consistently.
Speaker 1: All of that's done. Right. So, now now that all
Speaker 1: of that is done, my life should be perfect. You know,
Speaker 1: I have the perfect wife. She's almost like a Stepford wife,
Speaker 1: you know I'm saying. So I'm a Stepford husband. I'm
Speaker 1: doing everything. I'm providing, I'm protecting, I'm making sure that
Speaker 1: everything is perfect. But I wasn't happy, and I realized
Speaker 1: that part of the reason why I wasn't happy is
Speaker 1: because you weren't happy, right, So for you, in that sense,
Speaker 1: it was kind of like a methodical thing. It's like
Speaker 1: checking off the boxes of what everything is supposed to
Speaker 1: look like. But at the root of it, what was
Speaker 1: missing between us was that connection. Because we both have
Speaker 1: expressed at different points in our relationship that you're there physically.
Speaker 1: You know, work is good, kids are good, Like everybody's
Speaker 1: a flow, everybody's alive and kicking, and we still have
Speaker 1: this underlying, you know issue between the two of us
Speaker 1: because we just are not connected. And I think that
Speaker 1: that's what we value the most out of each other,
Speaker 1: Like if you were to strip away you know, career, money, kids,
Speaker 1: every everything, almost taking it back to the days when
Speaker 1: we were in college where we almost had we literally
Speaker 1: had nothing, and we were just enjoying who we were
Speaker 1: because we were connected. That was probably the most important
Speaker 1: thing that we've deduced is necessary in our relationship. Well,
Speaker 1: we'll check this out because I'm glad you brought that up,
Speaker 1: and I want to jump to your part that you
Speaker 1: know they do, but I want to read some of
Speaker 1: these things that we have right look at you looking
Speaker 1: at the meat of the show, because listen, because listen,
Speaker 1: because this is why I want to break this down,
Speaker 1: because I think that's what people makes to the confusion.
Speaker 1: Give me some takeaways for the audience, and US News
Speaker 1: articles sided the following reasons as you should as why
Speaker 1: you should get married for yourself in America. One was
Speaker 1: it's cheaper. Single people pay more for living expenses than
Speaker 1: they would if they were married and shared everything. Okay,
Speaker 1: so that's like a practical finance piractical financial number Two,
Speaker 1: it's better for the economy. On average, married couple families
Speaker 1: have higher incomes and other types of families with cohabiting
Speaker 1: parent households only making sixty one of the income of
Speaker 1: their married counterparts. The Future of Children Report noted as
Speaker 1: a result, they are able to spend more money to
Speaker 1: help fuel the economy. So everything that we're hearing is functional,
Speaker 1: like it's systematic, like these are the reasons why you
Speaker 1: get married. Married couples help their neighbors. Married couples are
Speaker 1: more likely to buy a home, which makes sense since
Speaker 1: they have more money to spend in our in a
Speaker 1: relationship for the long haul. With homeownership comes equity appreciation
Speaker 1: and certain tax deductions to not profit. So what you're
Speaker 1: hearing is all of these functional financial reasons as to
Speaker 1: why you should get married. Married women and their children
Speaker 1: have better health insurance. Married adults are more likely to
Speaker 1: be insured, particularly by private health coverages. So you're hearing
Speaker 1: all of these functional reasons. But you know what, they're
Speaker 1: not talking about the spirit. They're not talking about the soul.
Speaker 1: They're not talking about love. You see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So when you're reading all of these things, they make
Speaker 1: sense from a financial standpoint, which goes back to our
Speaker 1: first podcast last season where we talked about marriage being
Speaker 1: a business, which we understand there is a business aspect
Speaker 1: of marriage, which you and I do very well. Like
Speaker 1: from the time I was in the NFL and retired
Speaker 1: to us starting our marriage together. We started with nothing
Speaker 1: because I retired from the NFL going through a recession,
Speaker 1: lost a lot of money in the stock market, lost
Speaker 1: in the real estate. We came back with little to
Speaker 1: nothing cash flow wise, but we made it last for
Speaker 1: five years through you know, economic through our economic acumen,
Speaker 1: able to balance things that we're going to figure. We
Speaker 1: were able to figure it. So we're good at that part.
Speaker 1: Where I messed up in the very beginning. I was
Speaker 1: thinking that I could be systematic and functional with my
Speaker 1: marriage and did it. Didn't put in the spirit and
Speaker 1: the soul that it takes to make a marriage work.
Speaker 1: So I was checking all the boxes. We had health insurance,
Speaker 1: we had life insurance, we bought property, we did everything
Speaker 1: we wanted to do. We we were having sex consistently,
Speaker 1: we set up a date to have sex mom. Everything
Speaker 1: was systematic, but I wasn't happy. I even think about
Speaker 1: something that my mom told me like years ago, um
Speaker 1: or I don't know if she told me per se
Speaker 1: or if I overheard it. You know, air hustling as
Speaker 1: a kid by the stairs, you know when she's having
Speaker 1: girl talk, and she was like, point blame period. Love
Speaker 1: cannot pay the bills. And I think when people think
Speaker 1: about it in that circumstance, it's just like, Okay, I
Speaker 1: love you and all that's great. But most marriages, I
Speaker 1: would say, they tank because of financial issues. So it's
Speaker 1: really trying to make sure that you are practical in
Speaker 1: making the necessary arrangements to have your health and rance,
Speaker 1: for example, and you know it's cheaper to be married
Speaker 1: married so that way you're living expenses are deduced or
Speaker 1: whatever we deducted um. So those things make sense from
Speaker 1: that point standpoint, and it may work for some people
Speaker 1: where they do have that, but but for us, we
Speaker 1: knew that if we're missing the soul, the spiritual, the
Speaker 1: love side of things, that that we weren't going to
Speaker 1: be able to make it happen. And it's important for
Speaker 1: you to say that because you know, you pretty much
Speaker 1: made a good point that marriage is struggle because of finances.
Speaker 1: You have a higher change of surviving infidelity in your
Speaker 1: marriage and your marriage still working then you do having
Speaker 1: survived having to survive financial issues. That is a fact.
Speaker 1: The vast majority of people who get divorced do not
Speaker 1: get divorced for infidelity. They get divorced because of because
Speaker 1: they don't feel financially stable within their marriage and it
Speaker 1: causes riffs. So that brings me to the value of
Speaker 1: a spouse. What I thought my value of a spouse
Speaker 1: is was someone who could fill in all of the
Speaker 1: gaps in my life that I didn't want to do,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So when I was looking
Speaker 1: for a wife, looking for spots, I want someone who
Speaker 1: could cook and clean, take care of kids, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, and handle my sexual desires. Was that
Speaker 1: based off of just your own mindset saying, Okay, I
Speaker 1: have these strengths, these are the things I don't care
Speaker 1: to take care of to let me find someone. Or
Speaker 1: was it based off of like what you've seen growing
Speaker 1: up with, like your parents or like your your grandparents.
Speaker 1: Was that something that was just instilled in you early
Speaker 1: or a visual you had early on. I think it
Speaker 1: was a little bit a bit of both. Society dictates
Speaker 1: that we exist in gender roles. So when you get married,
Speaker 1: you as the man, have to do this and as
Speaker 1: a woman, she has to do that. Because now, yeah,
Speaker 1: there's no general but this was we got married ten
Speaker 1: years ago, which um gender was still wasn't such a big,
Speaker 1: you know, hot button topic. But it was like, as
Speaker 1: the man, you are responsible to provide and protect and
Speaker 1: you have to you put yourself last. You put your
Speaker 1: wife first, you put your your kids first, and you
Speaker 1: know you don't show your emotions, you just put the
Speaker 1: money you on the table. And get things done and
Speaker 1: make sure your family is good. Whatever your happy wife,
Speaker 1: happy life, whatever your wife wants, it is your responsibility
Speaker 1: as a husband to make sure you can make it happen.
Speaker 1: That's what I felt. My gender role was as a
Speaker 1: provider or protector, and my wife's gender role was to cook, clean,
Speaker 1: make sure the house was taking care of, in the
Speaker 1: kids are taken care of, and make sure I was
Speaker 1: taking care of And it seems simple. It seemed like
Speaker 1: if I follow this, I'll be good. And we were
Speaker 1: following all of those things. And it wasn't until I
Speaker 1: realized that I wasn't happy that I realized that your
Speaker 1: value to me isn't in the chores that you can do.
Speaker 1: Your value came to me in your ability to help
Speaker 1: me share my happiness with the world. And when I
Speaker 1: say that, I mean I realized that I can do
Speaker 1: anything I want to do in my life. And I was.
Speaker 1: I was making enough money to where if I wanted
Speaker 1: someone to do chores, I could pay clean and lately
Speaker 1: I could pay a chef. I could pay someone to
Speaker 1: babysit with my kids. But I cannot pay someone to
Speaker 1: be happy with for the rest of my life. You know,
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So it was that spiritual connection that
Speaker 1: we needed to have. We spent so much time trying
Speaker 1: to connect to these dots that we thought were gonna
Speaker 1: make us happy, that we need connect with each other.
Speaker 1: We weren't talking, we weren't spending time together. We were
Speaker 1: passing like ships in the night, making sure every other
Speaker 1: aspect of our marriage was good, but we weren't making
Speaker 1: sure that we were good. And it was also to
Speaker 1: us I think also having a bit of that tunnel
Speaker 1: vision saying Okay, you know, we had these dreams that
Speaker 1: we spoke about in college, then you had your kickstart
Speaker 1: with your your short stint in the NFL, and then
Speaker 1: losing all of that. There was such a focus on
Speaker 1: rebuilding our life that it almost was necessary for us
Speaker 1: to kind of put that work in. So do I
Speaker 1: regret that time or do I feel a way about
Speaker 1: that time? Honestly, looking back on it, I don't, because
Speaker 1: it was like that adversity that we had to have
Speaker 1: in order to overcome that. And I also learned um
Speaker 1: about you that I love that you are a man
Speaker 1: who wants to be a provider. But at the same
Speaker 1: time that wasn't enough for me. It doesn't matter how
Speaker 1: much money you made, it just wasn't enough if we
Speaker 1: weren't on the same page on an energy level. So
Speaker 1: let me ask a question. You heard the things that
Speaker 1: I had on my box to check for a wife.
Speaker 1: What were the things you had on your box for
Speaker 1: a husband? Because you realized that afterwards, but in the beginning,
Speaker 1: what were the things that on your box that you said,
Speaker 1: this is going to make my my perfect spouse. Absolutely. Um,
Speaker 1: when I first met you, I was like, he had
Speaker 1: to be fine, check that. But I was the superficial,
Speaker 1: Like right off the bat, I was like, oh he's
Speaker 1: shorty great. Um, I saw potential in you, you know,
Speaker 1: I mean we met really young. You were still puberty
Speaker 1: was still hitting. So I was like, but I had
Speaker 1: broad shoulders, so you knew the frame was different. But no,
Speaker 1: in all seriousness, Um, you know, looking for somebody who
Speaker 1: was going to be a protector, who was going to
Speaker 1: be ambitious, who had the drive to know that he
Speaker 1: was going to be the head of the household and
Speaker 1: the leader of the family. Because I'm okay with working
Speaker 1: in conjunction with somebody who was going to who was
Speaker 1: going to you know what I mean, I always know,
Speaker 1: I wanted a strong alpha male who was out there,
Speaker 1: you know, just just working and trying to build, you know,
Speaker 1: because I know I had my own things that I
Speaker 1: wanted to input as well from my family and my
Speaker 1: future family. So those were some things that I saw
Speaker 1: in you early on and even just talking about like
Speaker 1: our hopes and our dreams and things that we wanted
Speaker 1: to do in my little twin size bed back at
Speaker 1: harsh University. We did a lot of things. And mom,
Speaker 1: don't even listen to this episode, but there's a lot
Speaker 1: of things my agility, back, balance, balance, strength, you know,
Speaker 1: that's what he as going nowhere might have a little
Speaker 1: belly fat post children are still there, um, so you know,
Speaker 1: and you pretty much were the embodiment of all of
Speaker 1: those things, you know, the way I saw you approach um,
Speaker 1: you know, making to the NFL like you didn't have
Speaker 1: the easy road, and you recently said that to me.
Speaker 1: You were just like, yeah, I don't understand, Like everything
Speaker 1: I seek out to do with my life, I can
Speaker 1: never just get a clear path, Like everything has a
Speaker 1: twist or turn or an obsticle or or something. You know,
Speaker 1: and you're feeling that now, even just with your acting career.
Speaker 1: You're just like, why am I having to just you know,
Speaker 1: go through many yeah, just to get an opportunity. So
Speaker 1: the resiliency that you had, in this unyielding desire to
Speaker 1: just succeed at whatever it was that you did, it
Speaker 1: was probably some of the most attractive things that I
Speaker 1: saw in you. And I was just talk abow, I
Speaker 1: value this in him as a person, like it was
Speaker 1: admirable for me. Um. It's still to this day motivates me, Um,
Speaker 1: And it's something that I I truly I'm almost envious
Speaker 1: of with you, you know what I mean, because I'm
Speaker 1: just like, Wow, I just it's amazing that I've met
Speaker 1: somebody who was able to really encompass so many different
Speaker 1: things that I've wanted. So I checked off all the
Speaker 1: boxes the same way you checked off all the boxes
Speaker 1: for me. And why weren't you happy? And because we were,
Speaker 1: we weren't connected on seeing each other, and I felt
Speaker 1: like I did feel seen, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: I don't felt like you saw me. We didn't have
Speaker 1: the downtime where it was just you and I, you know, unloading,
Speaker 1: unpacking everything else that was going on, and really just
Speaker 1: reconnecting with devol as the person Codine as the person
Speaker 1: who originally drew me to you and you to me.
Speaker 1: And that's the thing, the biggest thing that was missing,
Speaker 1: And that's when we talked about just even like the
Speaker 1: life in quarantine, you know, we talked about stripping all
Speaker 1: of the excess stuff away and what do we have
Speaker 1: at the root, at the core um And that's why
Speaker 1: I think we were able to reconnect so well during quarantine,
Speaker 1: because again, we had those moments where we were able
Speaker 1: to just really look at each other and see each
Speaker 1: other and invest in that emotional side of our relationship.
Speaker 1: And it's it's funny because even during quarantine, and even
Speaker 1: prior to quarantine, after I realized that Codeine being a
Speaker 1: housewife was not ideal for her and that it wasn't
Speaker 1: ideal for me, we then made another transition to Codeine
Speaker 1: the media mogul, because you like, I have a master's degree.
Speaker 1: I want to be able to put this to work.
Speaker 1: I want to be able to create content and make
Speaker 1: money and do all our stuff. So then I jumped
Speaker 1: on that like, cool, she don't want to be at home.
Speaker 1: That really wasn't making me happy neither, So let me
Speaker 1: just support her in this, so I supported you and
Speaker 1: doing all the TV stuff, and and then you were
Speaker 1: thriving in that doing is doing a lot, making a
Speaker 1: ton of money. So now I'm like, should we're making
Speaker 1: twice as much money as we're making before. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be happy. Now she's gonna be happy now we still
Speaker 1: wasn't happy because it wasn't even about you changing from
Speaker 1: being a housewife to a professional working woman and creating
Speaker 1: more money so that we can have more access to resources. Ultimately,
Speaker 1: to me, I realized that you needed to find your
Speaker 1: own happiness so that I could share my happiness with you.
Speaker 1: I'm glad you could be happiness together. I'm glad you
Speaker 1: said that because I think that was a revelation that
Speaker 1: we both had recently and having discussions, because we do
Speaker 1: frequently have um these open talks with each other. And
Speaker 1: I think the reason why could in the housewife was unhappy.
Speaker 1: And then Cadine, you know, you know, media local in
Speaker 1: the making, you know, wasn't happy. Is that ultimately where
Speaker 1: I am in my life. I feel like I should
Speaker 1: know my purpose and I should be actively working towards
Speaker 1: my purpose. And I feel like my purpose sometimes either
Speaker 1: shifts or I'm just very cloudy on what my purpose is,
Speaker 1: and that's not and it makes me unhappy. And that's
Speaker 1: not something that you can figure out for me. That's
Speaker 1: not something that my children can figure out for me.
Speaker 1: At first, I thought, you know what, maybe my purpose
Speaker 1: is to bring these three beautiful boys into this world
Speaker 1: and raise them to be amazing individuals, amazing men. But
Speaker 1: then I also have heard, you know, from other parents
Speaker 1: and in other conferences like being in in in circles
Speaker 1: and arenas with other mothers. You know, you hear from
Speaker 1: the more seasoned moms who have older children, that you
Speaker 1: cannot put your entire purpose and being into your children
Speaker 1: because they are human beings as well too. It's almost
Speaker 1: like setting yourself up for disappointment if they don't pan
Speaker 1: out to be who or what you expected them to be.
Speaker 1: So in hearing that recently, I was just like, oh damn.
Speaker 1: I thought my purpose was to be an amazing mom
Speaker 1: and an amazing wife and facilitating my husband and getting
Speaker 1: to where he wants to go by creating a space
Speaker 1: in my home where he's comfortable. Yeah, but it wasn't
Speaker 1: fulfilling either. So I almost feel like my purpose is
Speaker 1: still evolving and I'm still figuring that out. And I
Speaker 1: have to not be ashamed to admit that and to
Speaker 1: embrace that and just work more actively in figuring that out.
Speaker 1: You know what I mean, That's something I have to
Speaker 1: do for myself. That's between me, that's between God and
Speaker 1: my God. That's between my situation. You know, that's something
Speaker 1: you can't help me with. But in the same breath,
Speaker 1: you have to work with me and live with me.
Speaker 1: And I don't want to um that to be a
Speaker 1: detriment to our relationship because I may not be feeling
Speaker 1: fulfilled in that moment, but that but that to me
Speaker 1: was hard as a spouse, you know, when we're talking
Speaker 1: about the value of a spouse, my value, I felt
Speaker 1: like my value would be into making your life better. Yes,
Speaker 1: as much as it doesn't matter what it takes to
Speaker 1: make your life better, that's my value as a spout.
Speaker 1: So as a husband, I felt like I need to
Speaker 1: provide and protect. I need to make as much money
Speaker 1: so that anything my wife asked for I can say yes.
Speaker 1: Anything my kids need I can say yes. So what
Speaker 1: was bothering me was that I was making so much money,
Speaker 1: more money than I was making the NFL and then
Speaker 1: I come to you some days and you still look unhappy,
Speaker 1: and I'd be like, what the fuck? Like, woman, there's
Speaker 1: nothing I can do to make this woman happy? And
Speaker 1: then I internalized it and I say that it must
Speaker 1: be me. It must mean something, must be a whole
Speaker 1: weight set for the gym, and he's like, I'm on
Speaker 1: the lift weights because maybe I lost some muscle mass
Speaker 1: because I'm trying to find my ways to make you happy,
Speaker 1: to make your life better, because I feel like as
Speaker 1: a life partner, that's my goal. And then it clicked
Speaker 1: to me, you know what my goal is to make
Speaker 1: cadein happy. My goal as a person is to make
Speaker 1: myself happy, right find out what I want because I
Speaker 1: know what my purpose is like there's nothing there's so
Speaker 1: it's so clear for me. I think that's why I
Speaker 1: work so well and I have been I have been
Speaker 1: successful in my life because my vision has been clear,
Speaker 1: so I've been able to focus on that and being
Speaker 1: able to grind and grind and even though I always
Speaker 1: had to take the long road, the grind has been
Speaker 1: there and I've been successful. But my goal in life
Speaker 1: is to be happy and to find someone in a
Speaker 1: spouse to share my happiness with but also find someone
Speaker 1: who's happy within themselves so they don't suck the happiness
Speaker 1: out of my life. Because it doesn't matter what boxes
Speaker 1: you check off as a wife. If you're miserable and
Speaker 1: you and I come home and you're just miserable, whether
Speaker 1: we live in a fifty million dollar mansion or we
Speaker 1: live in a two bedroom apartment, or you're working for
Speaker 1: CBS making ten million dollars a year, or you're sitting
Speaker 1: at home being a housewife. If you're miserable, you're gonna
Speaker 1: make me miserable. And that's what I realized, and exactly
Speaker 1: it's like, if we either of us are having a
Speaker 1: bad day, the whole house, just the whole temperament of
Speaker 1: the house is just a drag. And I get it.
Speaker 1: Nobody wants to have to deal with that like wants
Speaker 1: and to me it sounds cliche, but that became the
Speaker 1: most important part of having a spouse. Finding someone who
Speaker 1: has found a way to be happy and it's willing
Speaker 1: to share happiness in life with you like that, to me,
Speaker 1: is the most important part of being a wife. When
Speaker 1: you start trying to check off boxes for what your
Speaker 1: wife should be, I'm telling you people. There was a
Speaker 1: point in my life where I looked at Codeine. Codeine
Speaker 1: had given me a son. She was making over a
Speaker 1: hundred thousand dollars working as a freelance makeup artist. She
Speaker 1: was cooking, she was cleaning, we was fucking, and she's beautiful.
Speaker 1: And I'd walk in the house and she'd have this
Speaker 1: sour puss face on, and now I'd be like, look
Speaker 1: at this motherfuck And then I just would be so
Speaker 1: over it and that she's and the thing is, she's
Speaker 1: trying to be everything. And I said I wanted a wife.
Speaker 1: She got on poem poem short, she got the sports
Speaker 1: bra and she'd be like, you don't seem like you're
Speaker 1: just into me today, And I'm like, that's because i'm not,
Speaker 1: because you're not smart, or you're like you got smart.
Speaker 1: Walk in the house and I would be like, I
Speaker 1: know you, I know you, like you're trying to mask
Speaker 1: this whole how you feel, the shape, and I know
Speaker 1: you just not you. It was just safe to say
Speaker 1: that your value in a spouse, for me or for
Speaker 1: you particularly, um, it's companionship. Yes, So it's like take
Speaker 1: everything else and everything else away, and it's about having
Speaker 1: a companion that you can enjoy time and space with
Speaker 1: and and and to be honest, that change because in
Speaker 1: the beginning, when I used to put my list of
Speaker 1: what I thought a wife need to be in order
Speaker 1: for me to be happy with my marriage, all of
Speaker 1: these things were on there. Now none of those things
Speaker 1: on there. I don't give a ship. I'm be honest,
Speaker 1: because you probably ain't cooking about a week, your mom
Speaker 1: be cooking, your brother, your family here, So everybody was
Speaker 1: pitching in the bathroom is a mess. It's a difference,
Speaker 1: don't I'm not dirty. My bathroom is messy right now
Speaker 1: because yes, I'm in the middle of sorting and organized.
Speaker 1: And so let's be clear. She's still very defensive people,
Speaker 1: as you can tell. Clear, be clear. All of the
Speaker 1: things that I thought I wanted in a wife now
Speaker 1: don't matter to me. When I woke up in the
Speaker 1: morning and I see that she's smiling, well, she's happy,
Speaker 1: she's skipping around, should make me feel good because now
Speaker 1: I feel like I can share in my happiness with you.
Speaker 1: All of that stuff does not matter to me no more.
Speaker 1: The things that did when you said you know you
Speaker 1: want to cut back. I remember when when everything started
Speaker 1: happening with the pandemic and with social media, and you're
Speaker 1: just kind of like, yeah, I don't want to talk
Speaker 1: to nobody, Like you were just hurting like everything with
Speaker 1: Black Lives Matter, with the pandemic, not knowing with things,
Speaker 1: you just like, I just don't want to be around it.
Speaker 1: And then the first thing you think of, like things
Speaker 1: she brings in a large part of money with everything
Speaker 1: we do creating content. But for me it was like,
Speaker 1: if that's not making her happy, I really don't care
Speaker 1: because for me, I I'm gonna make money regardless. So
Speaker 1: I remember even when I had to do that episode
Speaker 1: for OKAKK where I had to talk about like the
Speaker 1: boys and how I was affected by that, you were
Speaker 1: just like, we could turn this whole ship off. It
Speaker 1: doesn't look like it was bothering you. Yeah, and it was.
Speaker 1: And I think it was just it was therapeutic for
Speaker 1: me because I had to get that out. Like I
Speaker 1: had several moments where I was just like sobbing mess
Speaker 1: because like I had to put myself together. But you
Speaker 1: did say that you were very supportive in that You're
Speaker 1: just like, if that's just not making you happy in
Speaker 1: the moment, could be do not do it. Companion is
Speaker 1: the number one thing. And it sounds so cliche because
Speaker 1: people always say, you know, if you don't got love
Speaker 1: in the marriage, you ain't got nothing. And here you are.
Speaker 1: You write down all of these things of why marriage
Speaker 1: is better for you and systematically why it's better, and
Speaker 1: it does. You know, they talk about children to married
Speaker 1: couples getting more opportunities, it provide better social networks. Things
Speaker 1: of that nature. Definitely makes sense, and those are tangible
Speaker 1: things you can see. But how many people do we
Speaker 1: know who are married, who have been married for years
Speaker 1: and despise each other even though both people check all
Speaker 1: of the boxes for what you consider to be the
Speaker 1: ideal spouse. Like, we have friends, we have aunts and uncles,
Speaker 1: we have people who you look at them, me like
Speaker 1: that she she makes a perfect wife. He makes the
Speaker 1: perfect husband. And then you hear him from them later
Speaker 1: on and they're like, you know what I'm saying, I've
Speaker 1: been married over years. What you mean, kid? Like you're
Speaker 1: still holding scape of the kids. The kids ain't around
Speaker 1: them more so, what is right? You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 1: And it sounds cliche because you say it's the spirit
Speaker 1: you feel, you feel like it's the soul, but it
Speaker 1: really is, it really is. I have a question, would
Speaker 1: you say that you've had to sacrifice anything in order
Speaker 1: to be able to add value to me or to
Speaker 1: to yourself, Like, I guess it's either of us that
Speaker 1: we have to and its sacrifice anything on your end
Speaker 1: in order to bring more value to the relationship. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, I think that's that's part of a relationship,
Speaker 1: Like once you decide that you want to be soul
Speaker 1: mates with someone, because when I think about spending the
Speaker 1: rest of my life with someone, I want to be
Speaker 1: with somebody who fulfills my soul, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So there are certain things after sacrifice, and that's number one.
Speaker 1: Realizing that you changed. You know what I'm saying. When
Speaker 1: we first met, you were this super ambitious woman who
Speaker 1: wanted to conquer everything because at that point, from what
Speaker 1: you say, your mom instill did you that in order
Speaker 1: to be happy and be successful, you had to do
Speaker 1: these things. So that was the person I saw. So
Speaker 1: in my mind, I made this whole picture of what
Speaker 1: our family was gonna be, you and I were going
Speaker 1: to be, and I had to realize through our marriage
Speaker 1: that Kadine is not going to be who I anticipated
Speaker 1: her to be when we were eighteen years old. I
Speaker 1: fell in love with that person I did. I fell
Speaker 1: in love with that person, and I realized and trying
Speaker 1: to force you to be the person who I fell
Speaker 1: in love with at that time, who also I was eighteen,
Speaker 1: So my ideas of what falling in love were very
Speaker 1: different when I when I decided to let go of
Speaker 1: that image of who I had to sacrifice some of
Speaker 1: the things that I thought I wanted for us, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. But am I happier because of it? Absolutely?
Speaker 1: Because me holding on to this idea of what I
Speaker 1: wanted my wife and who I wanted Codeine to be
Speaker 1: Condeine to be left me disappointed at times because you
Speaker 1: weren't doing it the way I envisioned it, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, or what you experienced from me alright
Speaker 1: previous previous eighteen years. So there are certain things I
Speaker 1: had to sacrifice that I was just like, you know what,
Speaker 1: I'm cool not having that cool, not getting that because
Speaker 1: she happy. So when she's happy, I walk in the house,
Speaker 1: I'm happy. Yeah, I think it makes it easier to
Speaker 1: sacrifice certain things when you can see your spouse smiling
Speaker 1: and just be genuinely happy with whatever space that they're in,
Speaker 1: because I know sometimes too with me, there's some things
Speaker 1: that's just like I don't even want to do this ship,
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna do it because it's gonna make it
Speaker 1: out happy in this moment. And you've sometimes called me
Speaker 1: out on that, and it's just like, why can't you
Speaker 1: just do this because that's what I asked for and
Speaker 1: it's gonna make me happy regardless of how you feel
Speaker 1: about it, you know. Yeah, And you've had to learn
Speaker 1: to do with that, and I've had to learn to
Speaker 1: be like, well, dances, you can't always be the one
Speaker 1: dropping the ball expecting him to understand in this moment
Speaker 1: when he's specifically asking you for something, make the sacrifice
Speaker 1: because you know it's going to bring a smile to
Speaker 1: his face. Like that's something that I'm continuing working on
Speaker 1: because you've been pretty consistent with what you wanted from
Speaker 1: what you wanted from me over the past decade at
Speaker 1: the least. You know, that's just my personality though, like
Speaker 1: like I said, I'm clear on this, Yeah, this is
Speaker 1: what I want, this is what I need. That's you're
Speaker 1: just like, this is what it is, and with me,
Speaker 1: I'm kind of like dancing. I want this some days
Speaker 1: I want that. I thought I wanted this, but I
Speaker 1: really don't want that. And I can see how that
Speaker 1: causes a riff in our relations a lot, because frustrating
Speaker 1: you have somebody who was just like tunnel vision with
Speaker 1: what they want, and you have somebody else that's still
Speaker 1: trying to figure it out that you think they should
Speaker 1: have things figured out at this point in life. You know,
Speaker 1: it's like you have whole lass children, like you should
Speaker 1: know what the hell you want to do, you know. Um.
Speaker 1: So yeah, that that's something I know that we struggled with.
Speaker 1: But I'm trying to you feel like you sacrifice, um, well,
Speaker 1: one thing that I've sacrificed, um And I don't know
Speaker 1: if it's a sacrifice per se, but it's something that
Speaker 1: I feel like I lost a little bit of and
Speaker 1: that was just like that drive and ambition. And I
Speaker 1: think it's because having you as the protector and the
Speaker 1: provider and the family, sometimes you get a little laxed,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. I know that things are
Speaker 1: going to be taken care of and okay, because devo
Speaker 1: got it under control, you know, and you enjoy that,
Speaker 1: you love being the person. I just like my family
Speaker 1: taken care of that way. My wife can just kind
Speaker 1: of come and go and do what she needs to do. UM.
Speaker 1: And the fact that I still work and I still
Speaker 1: you know, work with you in our business and our
Speaker 1: company and whatnot. UM, I feel like I just kind
Speaker 1: of lost a little bit of that drive that I
Speaker 1: did have maybe when I was eighteen, And part of
Speaker 1: me wonders, is that really who I wasn't eighteen? Did
Speaker 1: I lose that in us being together? Or is that
Speaker 1: who I was destined to be? I can I answer
Speaker 1: that for you based on what I see, based on
Speaker 1: what you have to because I mean, you got the
Speaker 1: front row seat, Bro, got the front row seats. Sometimes
Speaker 1: I'll be in the back though it's from the balcony
Speaker 1: view right right right, that's I'd be in the balcony
Speaker 1: of view. I see a lot, you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: got their hands on the look anyway. Knowing you and
Speaker 1: knowing your family, you being the firstborn, I've noticed that
Speaker 1: you tend to want to make your mom proud the most,
Speaker 1: and your mom pushes for you to be all the
Speaker 1: things that your mom wanted to be. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. Your mom loves Oprah or she loved Oprah
Speaker 1: she wand Oprah not so much, but she admired Oprah
Speaker 1: and what she's able to do. And and she always
Speaker 1: talked about, you know, my daughters doing this. She's in communication.
Speaker 1: She wants to do TV and started as early as
Speaker 1: my pageant days, like this is what you want to do.
Speaker 1: I'm putting you on the stage like so as you
Speaker 1: seeing the world through your mom's eyes. The only way
Speaker 1: to make your mom happy is to excel in all
Speaker 1: the things that she wants for you. That's just what
Speaker 1: I see. I could be wrong with family, but my
Speaker 1: mother and my father, particularly my mom, just because she
Speaker 1: believed in it from early. My dad was more like
Speaker 1: the practical guy that's just like you, sure you don't
Speaker 1: want to be a nurse, like you sure you don't
Speaker 1: want to just clock into this nine to five. Whereas
Speaker 1: my mom is more like you know, like she sees
Speaker 1: the possibilities that are absolutely absolutely so going into eighteen nineteen,
Speaker 1: think about where we are eighteen nineteen when we first met.
Speaker 1: The only thing, the only way you think you can
Speaker 1: make money or be happy or be great in this
Speaker 1: life is based on what your father and your mom
Speaker 1: have told you or what society says. You have no idea,
Speaker 1: Like you're still trying to find yourself, so you just
Speaker 1: listen to all these other people. As you get older,
Speaker 1: you start to realize, I'm gonna listen to none of
Speaker 1: these niggas, Like I'm starting to realize what I want
Speaker 1: to be on my own. And I think while you're
Speaker 1: learning who you want to be, you're realizing that you
Speaker 1: know what that person that my mom wanted me to
Speaker 1: be and does not making me happy. This person that
Speaker 1: society is telling me I need to be in order
Speaker 1: to be a successful woman is not making me happy.
Speaker 1: I need to find that out. So I think this
Speaker 1: person you're becoming now was who you were destined to be.
Speaker 1: But you're fighting in a little bit because it goes
Speaker 1: against everything you've been taught as a young girl growing up.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, ador, I ain't go to
Speaker 1: college for. I ain't go to college for, but I'm
Speaker 1: gonna people watching you as an artist, as an artist,
Speaker 1: people watching as an actor. I learned how to people watch,
Speaker 1: but that's what I that's what I see. But I
Speaker 1: do feel like I'm starting to feel loads lifted off
Speaker 1: of me and having honest conversations with you or by
Speaker 1: saying to my mom says, you know, but I might
Speaker 1: be good just like coasting through right now for a
Speaker 1: little bit, having my little businesses here and there, doing
Speaker 1: my social media like I think I'm cool with that,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. Um, it did require having
Speaker 1: those conversations because yeah, if I have people rallying around me,
Speaker 1: which I'm fortunate to have people who are like Cadine,
Speaker 1: this is your dream, like hey, how about you do
Speaker 1: this or let me help you do that, to help
Speaker 1: you get there, Like I'm fortunate to have people like
Speaker 1: that who rally around me to support me and to
Speaker 1: help me cultivate these these these and endeavors that I have.
Speaker 1: But at the same time, too, I can't be wishy
Speaker 1: washy and then expect everybody to just be like no,
Speaker 1: absolutely hands off, like what happened. So that's important for
Speaker 1: me to know. What so that I'm happy that you're
Speaker 1: able to I mean outside perspective and asking your opinion
Speaker 1: and I appreciate your opinion. Well, you know, this is
Speaker 1: the first time for everything you know. But this is
Speaker 1: one of the values of having a spouse. You get
Speaker 1: to see a completely different perspective from someone that you've
Speaker 1: selected and you picked and you trust to tell you
Speaker 1: about yourself, and you learn a lot through seeing yourself
Speaker 1: through someone else's eyes. Yeah, I did that now for you,
Speaker 1: But you do that for me all the time. Yes,
Speaker 1: for me all the time. Like what I get you
Speaker 1: to figure out lately? Huh? All right, you got me
Speaker 1: to figure out this is the God's honest truth that
Speaker 1: I can't control nothing except for myself. Yes, you probably
Speaker 1: figure that out because I I am a control freak.
Speaker 1: I've always been a control because it's safe for me,
Speaker 1: and and this is the truth. When you're in life, right,
Speaker 1: it's easy to fall in line with what you think works.
Speaker 1: When say, for example, you don't got no money, and
Speaker 1: it's like, Okay, I gotta do this job because I
Speaker 1: need money. I gotta do this. It's easy to fall
Speaker 1: in line with what everyone else says works when you
Speaker 1: have to, when you're backs against the wall, when you
Speaker 1: have an outlet. Now, for example, you are not working together,
Speaker 1: you're not stressed about working because I can pay all
Speaker 1: of the bills, so now, I was like, I don't
Speaker 1: gotta fall in line, but what everybody does? You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, I can do what I want right.
Speaker 1: So for me being a control freak, my whole life
Speaker 1: not having all the things that I want. When I
Speaker 1: was my back was against the wall, the only way
Speaker 1: I could feel comfortable trying to get out of that
Speaker 1: hole was controlling everything around her. So then you meet
Speaker 1: someone and you think you've got the whole world figured out,
Speaker 1: and you're trying to control this person. I'm trying to
Speaker 1: control who codein is, how she operates, and all you
Speaker 1: keep doing is bucking the system. I'm like, I'm trying
Speaker 1: to tell you exactly what to do, how to do it,
Speaker 1: and you keep just you know, being gaein no, no
Speaker 1: snatching the air going. I say left, you go right,
Speaker 1: I say up, you go down, even though I like
Speaker 1: when you go down, I didn't want you to get
Speaker 1: down at that point, I wanted you to go because
Speaker 1: I'm trying to get like the different perspectives, and we
Speaker 1: just talked about this to like like, for example, you'll
Speaker 1: see an apartment. One apartment, the first apartment. The apartment
Speaker 1: checks all the boxes of what you want in an apartment,
Speaker 1: the right price range, everything. So he's like, there, he goes,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take it. I'm like, but how to see what?
Speaker 1: What's the other apartments out there? Though? Like what is
Speaker 1: the competition? You know with this apartment? I have to
Speaker 1: like weigh out the options and the competitors, and that
Speaker 1: drives your nuts. So it's like any options, Okay, it's
Speaker 1: the same thing, like when we pack, I'm always overweight.
Speaker 1: But it added an element to my life which allowed
Speaker 1: me to accept other people's perspectives because me I didn't.
Speaker 1: I did not like because because I was a control freak.
Speaker 1: I was very close it because I knew what worked
Speaker 1: for me. But being with someone and having a spouse,
Speaker 1: it forces you to be open minded because now I
Speaker 1: gotta I really gotta take into account the things that
Speaker 1: you need and want in life and just know that
Speaker 1: everyone's process is different, different, you know. So it works
Speaker 1: for you in that circumstance, in that time, but I
Speaker 1: can achieve the same result in a different way. It
Speaker 1: may not be the way you thought it should have
Speaker 1: been done, but it's gonna get done. It's gonna get
Speaker 1: done at some point eventually. But it doesn't get done
Speaker 1: but no, but but I'm seriously like being being married
Speaker 1: brought so much to my life outside of just the
Speaker 1: tangible things that people put down on paper, that you
Speaker 1: have someone that can do this and have someone it's
Speaker 1: about feeling my soul, you know. And and here's one
Speaker 1: thing I'm gonna say about it too. Everybody is not
Speaker 1: made to be married, you know what I'm saying, Like,
Speaker 1: this is the analogy I use some people. Some people
Speaker 1: work well together because there's something that's in them that
Speaker 1: needs that companionship. Some people work well by themselves because
Speaker 1: companion ship to them don't matter. Like I've seen people
Speaker 1: try to be in relationships because they think that they
Speaker 1: have to be married to be successful, and their job
Speaker 1: fall apart for everything around them fall in apart because
Speaker 1: you're putting energy into something that's never gonna work. And
Speaker 1: as you're trying to put energy into this thing that's
Speaker 1: never gonna work, you're losing focus on all these other things.
Speaker 1: For me, marriage work because I needed that soul, made
Speaker 1: the companions because that companionship made so much clarity for
Speaker 1: everything else that I was more successful being married. So
Speaker 1: when it came to business, create like everything else, you
Speaker 1: can then come to your companionship, your spouse and decompressed
Speaker 1: from all of that. Whereas you have some people that
Speaker 1: you know, they may not realize it, but they exist
Speaker 1: better by themselves. And it's like, why involve somebody else's
Speaker 1: feelings and emotions and stuff, somebody who may be looking
Speaker 1: for more and you're involving them, and that only to
Speaker 1: end up flat because you don't want to commit to that.
Speaker 1: And that's okay, and that's okay, I think about it.
Speaker 1: If you don't value companionship, there's no value you'll find.
Speaker 1: And having a spouse absolutely not that person can check
Speaker 1: all of the boxes if you don't value compass and transactions.
Speaker 1: And then that's when ship be fucked up seriously, because
Speaker 1: now you now you're buying a drinking a kool aid.
Speaker 1: In order to be successful, you got to check all
Speaker 1: these boxes for yourself, and marriage is one of them.
Speaker 1: And we do that to women all the time. A
Speaker 1: woman could be freaking taking over the world, doing everything,
Speaker 1: and they'd be like, you got no husband, kids, something
Speaker 1: must be wrong with her, And it's like that. Not
Speaker 1: everybody aspires to that, Not everybody wants to be married,
Speaker 1: not everybody has to have children, and I'm okay with that.
Speaker 1: You should be okay with that. Society should be okay
Speaker 1: with that. It's not a curse because you're a certain
Speaker 1: age and you're not married or whatever. If you you're
Speaker 1: better off in life if you know that, rather than
Speaker 1: getting into a relationship, getting married with somebody and then
Speaker 1: being complete turmoil and then you've now you know, jaded
Speaker 1: and tainted somebody else who may have been good for
Speaker 1: somebody else, or you have some children and all jacked
Speaker 1: up because you didn't really want that to begin with that. Okay,
Speaker 1: we need to stop doing that to people projecting these
Speaker 1: you know, um they need to happen. Yeah, we guys
Speaker 1: are projecting on young men too, because a young man
Speaker 1: is start to be successful due to just when you're
Speaker 1: gonna find a wife, when you're gonna settle down. And
Speaker 1: if you don't settle down, then you immature and you're selfish,
Speaker 1: and it's like, damn, why are you projecting the fact
Speaker 1: that you want to be married on this man? Think
Speaker 1: about your godfather, who is Uncle Frank, very property, enjoying
Speaker 1: his life and he seems happy and peaceful. Ye never married,
Speaker 1: no children, and he knew early on that's what he wanted,
Speaker 1: and he's enjoying his life with no spouse and no children.
Speaker 1: He's all good. Make sure Uncle Frank writes you into
Speaker 1: the will. Frank, you don't want no, you don't want
Speaker 1: no kids. But the is the closest you got to
Speaker 1: a son. And we got three boys. So yes, yes,
Speaker 1: out there. My wife's always thinking about just playing about business.
Speaker 1: You know, why are you checking Uncle frank pockets. I'm
Speaker 1: not checking the pockets. I'm just saying that Frank for
Speaker 1: his birthday today. No, but me and Frank have our
Speaker 1: own relationship. Don't worry about Franks. You gonna check so
Speaker 1: you can't call people. You cannot call people for their
Speaker 1: birthday and then be like, are we in the will?
Speaker 1: I don't messed up that black people. Black people be
Speaker 1: doing all the time. That's why Frank don't talk to you.
Speaker 1: That's that's why you don't got no kids on that
Speaker 1: is why amazing, amazing, Alright, cool, We're gonna take a
Speaker 1: quick break and move into a listen letter that we have.
Speaker 1: I see a whole dissertation that we have here for
Speaker 1: the listener letters. So we're gonna get into some ads.
Speaker 1: Stick around, and we'll be right back. Now it's time
Speaker 1: for our favorite part of the show. We gotta listener letters.
Speaker 1: You want to take it away with this one? All right,
Speaker 1: I'll go ahead and read this one out, all right.
Speaker 1: I'm twenty five years old. My boyfriend is twenty six,
Speaker 1: and we've been together four years. We talked about marriage
Speaker 1: early in our relationship, and over time we fell in
Speaker 1: love and decided that we wanted to marry each other.
Speaker 1: But there are two issues that we can't seem to see.
Speaker 1: I and I eye to eye about moving in together
Speaker 1: and the proposal. He wants us to buy a house
Speaker 1: together first, but I don't believe he's financially prepared to
Speaker 1: be a homeowner at this time. I, on the other hand,
Speaker 1: want us to be engaged before we take on the
Speaker 1: financial responsibility of owning a home, you know, credit checks, maintenance,
Speaker 1: h o A, fees, et cetera. But he says he
Speaker 1: can't afford to buy the ring. I like because he's
Speaker 1: fixing his credit. I live on my own and I'm
Speaker 1: financially stable and capable of taking care of myself. I
Speaker 1: also understand that getting one's finances in order isn't easy
Speaker 1: for everybody, but his priorities seems to be contradictory to me,
Speaker 1: and he's not exactly forthright when we when I try
Speaker 1: to talk to him and ask him about these things.
Speaker 1: This situation makes me doubt whether or not he will
Speaker 1: really and truly be able to be a financial partner
Speaker 1: or pro fighter for our would be household. What do
Speaker 1: y'all think? First of all, let me just point out
Speaker 1: the mindset of a woman. I don't think hold on.
Speaker 1: I don't think that buying a property right now is
Speaker 1: good because we want to you know, I don't think
Speaker 1: he's responsible enough, but I do want to get engaged,
Speaker 1: and I do want this ring that don't sound crazy
Speaker 1: as fun to nobody else. I don't think we should
Speaker 1: put it down painel on the house because he's not
Speaker 1: responsible enough, but this the ring I want, and I
Speaker 1: think we should do this first. That don't sound crazy.
Speaker 1: And she wrote this whole thing is if she's so
Speaker 1: financially responsible and he's irresponsible, but me wanting the weather
Speaker 1: and engagement ring, we should be engaged first, unless her
Speaker 1: mindset is the engagement ring is like a one time by,
Speaker 1: but the house is going to accrue a certain level
Speaker 1: of you know, monthly y'all. See, y'all see how you'll
Speaker 1: see how Conde is trying to validate backwards ass financial this.
Speaker 1: I'm not doing that. I'm just trying to think maybe
Speaker 1: that's what she's thinking, Like the ring is a one
Speaker 1: time by, whereas the house is going to have continuing
Speaker 1: expenses over time, in almost perpetuity. Let me explain something
Speaker 1: to you. Let me to you. If she really cared
Speaker 1: that much about finances, she would say we shouldn't get
Speaker 1: engaged or buy anything. And that's your answer now, because
Speaker 1: you're older and you've gone and done the same thing
Speaker 1: she did. You wanted a ring, you wanted a wedding,
Speaker 1: and when we could have bought a house first. My
Speaker 1: thing is, and this is the truth once again when
Speaker 1: it when it comes to society, men and women have
Speaker 1: different ideas of what it is to be married, be engaged,
Speaker 1: and get proposed to. Right. You look at America now,
Speaker 1: well look at social media. That's what I'm saying. You
Speaker 1: look at the spectacle that is social media. Right. In
Speaker 1: order to get engaged, it has to be a huge
Speaker 1: rand announcement. Right. The guy has to invite all your
Speaker 1: people out, fly it them out, do a whole video,
Speaker 1: get you a fat ring, make a big grand announcement
Speaker 1: of all other stuff. Right, what does a woman happen
Speaker 1: to the coast? Sign from Jacob behind the camera, I'm
Speaker 1: sure he's had to be the truth. What does a
Speaker 1: woman have to bring to that engagement financially? Financially I'm
Speaker 1: just saying, what does a woman have to bring to
Speaker 1: that financially? Right? All of it? The onus is on
Speaker 1: the man. And then it's like, well, if he can't
Speaker 1: do this, then we're not prepare to get married. But
Speaker 1: you still want the ring though, because the same thing
Speaker 1: goes into the wedding. She also said she's able to
Speaker 1: be financially stable and everything on her own, but she's
Speaker 1: his priorities are contradictory to me, but clearly they are
Speaker 1: clearly because she wanted to ring first, right, And like
Speaker 1: you said, I can say this now as a sound
Speaker 1: individual who's a decade older than them, because in that moment,
Speaker 1: yes year old right now is looking through Instagram and
Speaker 1: everybody's you know, theatrical photo shoots it that and videos
Speaker 1: whatever for the engagement, you know, And I was the
Speaker 1: same way to an extent. I was like, well, I
Speaker 1: was like, do you want like the house or do
Speaker 1: you want the ring in the wedding? And I was
Speaker 1: just kind of like, well, give me both. But if
Speaker 1: we can't get both, right now, let's get the ring
Speaker 1: in the wedding. We had owned properties in other states
Speaker 1: at that time, so I'm like, we kind of technically
Speaker 1: have houses. We can sell one of those and buy
Speaker 1: something else. That was just my mindset at the time.
Speaker 1: But hindsight or being you know what I mean, Like,
Speaker 1: now we know that in that moment things could have
Speaker 1: been a way, in a way different situation for us
Speaker 1: financially if we had set that up early. I just
Speaker 1: think we need to do a better job of understanding
Speaker 1: where we are as people before we make these decisions.
Speaker 1: For example, I don't know how many women know what
Speaker 1: the thought processes for a man when the time when
Speaker 1: it's time to get married. Like for me, it's like,
Speaker 1: not only do I have to get the big enough
Speaker 1: ring to impress my woman, I want to impress all
Speaker 1: of the women around her, So you gotta get a
Speaker 1: big enough ring I want to buy. I want to
Speaker 1: have a wedding that's impressive for her. Like these are
Speaker 1: all of the things that come down on a man
Speaker 1: when it's time to propose. I want to make sure
Speaker 1: you have all these things in place to mention committing
Speaker 1: to somebody for the rest of your life. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean that that means to be honest. That's that's
Speaker 1: the biggest part. Secondary Now for some people you think no,
Speaker 1: that's first. The first thing is I don't want to
Speaker 1: give up no other pussies because this is the only
Speaker 1: puss for the rest of my life. This is the truth.
Speaker 1: And people don't want to say, but this is dead
Speaker 1: ass podcast. Right, This is how the mindset. This is
Speaker 1: how the mind works. Right, if I'm single, if I'm
Speaker 1: even dating, and we're not even exclusive, right, and I'm dating,
Speaker 1: I have access to all of these different vaginas. I
Speaker 1: thank you, Vaina. I'm just saying so val you have
Speaker 1: open access to both. That's a good show. That's a
Speaker 1: good show anyway. I'm sorry. Back to the right hand.
Speaker 1: As a man, you thought processes than all these other
Speaker 1: vaginas that I have to give up because now I
Speaker 1: only have to have one. All right, that's the first
Speaker 1: thing I do. I really want to do this, and
Speaker 1: it's like, you know what, I love her, Um, I
Speaker 1: think I want to build a family, because we're talking
Speaker 1: about they're immature. When I was, I was immature. Your immature,
Speaker 1: most immature. Do I really want to do this? Okay, okay, okay,
Speaker 1: I love her, I'll do this. But then it's like
Speaker 1: she's sending him rings because you were sending me rings,
Speaker 1: and clearly she's sending him rings because she wants. So
Speaker 1: if she's sending rings, she's probably sending engagements. So this
Speaker 1: is what I would want to have happen. If she's
Speaker 1: sending that, it's like, this is the wedding cake I want,
Speaker 1: This is the So now it's like, okay, she got
Speaker 1: a whole vision board board. And now, as a man,
Speaker 1: you're thinking, this is my responsibility to provide for my
Speaker 1: wife because it's happy wife, happy life. And as much
Speaker 1: as women want to say now, because women will come
Speaker 1: out now and be like, I can provide for myself.
Speaker 1: You're not buying your own engagement ring. You don't want
Speaker 1: to pay for your own wedding by yourself. You don't
Speaker 1: want to be responsible for the mortgage by yourself. So
Speaker 1: that's all bullshit. It's just stuff that they want to say.
Speaker 1: But to be honest, this is what men be thinking
Speaker 1: about because my young boys who have been with their
Speaker 1: girls who they just got out of college. They have
Speaker 1: some school that they got girls they've been with through college.
Speaker 1: Like your coach, d I want to get engaged, but
Speaker 1: I don't got no ends. I'm like, what you mean.
Speaker 1: He's like, yo, I got no ends. Like by the
Speaker 1: end of the month, were just like in the beginning.
Speaker 1: I feel like, oh, I was able to save the
Speaker 1: first is around the corner. So I'm like, I get
Speaker 1: a date night and I'm talking about and I'm talking
Speaker 1: about college educated men who played some sports, talking about
Speaker 1: type kids. He's a good guys, good guys who are
Speaker 1: grown men who are saying this is what I go through.
Speaker 1: And it's not like to blame women or to blame
Speaker 1: men at all, but let's be honest. The whole idea
Speaker 1: of the American dreams stems from white people who have
Speaker 1: generational wealth built off the bats of our people so back,
Speaker 1: and you know, they have things that they don't got
Speaker 1: to deal with like we got. That is true because
Speaker 1: once you get married, you got one side of the
Speaker 1: family giving you a down payment for the house, the
Speaker 1: other side paying for the way for the coming out
Speaker 1: of the walking out with whatever you came in with
Speaker 1: pleasant gifts, you know, from people who bring gifts to weddings,
Speaker 1: which in our community sometimes they this is the truth.
Speaker 1: Here on top of that, you bring a card to
Speaker 1: bring some money what on top of that? Right, and
Speaker 1: that's that's another thing. When you have a wedding in
Speaker 1: the black community, it's not like you have a wedding
Speaker 1: in the white community. And this is the truth. People
Speaker 1: bring gifts in the white community. People will pay for
Speaker 1: their plate and give you a gift. So now if
Speaker 1: you've got three hundred people, for example, we have three
Speaker 1: seventy five threety people. Right, if everybody bought a gift
Speaker 1: and pay for their wedding, that's a hundred dollars per person.
Speaker 1: We walk away with thirty three thousand dollars. Makes sense, right,
Speaker 1: So now one family pays for the wedding, the other
Speaker 1: one gives you a down pay in the house, and
Speaker 1: you have thirty three thars go on your bank account.
Speaker 1: If I came from a family with generational wealth and
Speaker 1: from a culture where we had generational wealth to pass down,
Speaker 1: getting married is not as it's not a startups a
Speaker 1: startup business. But for most black people, you come into
Speaker 1: this life with debt because you're family has had debt,
Speaker 1: and why does your family have debt because of redlining?
Speaker 1: Because redlining means that we weren't able to have property
Speaker 1: and own property and pass it down to our families.
Speaker 1: We have poor educational systems. We're still generational generations away
Speaker 1: from Jim Crow. So now it's like, as a black
Speaker 1: man or a black woman, you're looking at these things
Speaker 1: on social media saying this is what I want, But
Speaker 1: then you're not thinking about how did that person get
Speaker 1: that right? Or how are we living after this sixties video?
Speaker 1: You know what I mean? And how many people we
Speaker 1: know got credit card debt from paying for big rings,
Speaker 1: big weddings. Then they get married and now you've got
Speaker 1: the spouse that you wanted. But now y'all in forty
Speaker 1: dollars worth of debt because of a ring and a wedding,
Speaker 1: and y'all hate each other and you get in a
Speaker 1: divorce and that's and and that's what we think. She said,
Speaker 1: what do y'all think? That's what we think? That's what
Speaker 1: I think. I think y'all need to go back into
Speaker 1: each other's histories of life. Understand who y'all are. Understand
Speaker 1: where your families are coming from. Understand how you'll be
Speaker 1: able to do these things and live for the next years.
Speaker 1: Don't think about this moment, think about for the next
Speaker 1: of When you're thinking about that ring that you want,
Speaker 1: think about if he can afford this ring and pay
Speaker 1: a mortgage and for him. Don't be like me and
Speaker 1: let your ego make you make a poor decision, because
Speaker 1: my ego made me make a poor decision. Just you know,
Speaker 1: just say I can't do this right now, babe. Rings
Speaker 1: are made to be upgraded, like get like get that
Speaker 1: little joint in the beginning. You know, you celebrate a
Speaker 1: five year, ten year anniversary. Absolutely absolutely, like girl, don't
Speaker 1: make me look don't make us look bad. And I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be honest. It ain't only that they only women,
Speaker 1: because I know some dudes who will get a ring
Speaker 1: that they know they can't afford. And then it's like, bro, Bro,
Speaker 1: you took out, you took out a loan, You got
Speaker 1: a fifteen year mortgage on that ring. Bro, you canna
Speaker 1: be paying that all forever. You still got to get
Speaker 1: a wedding and pay for a house. I think our
Speaker 1: egos gotta kind of chill a little bit. As people.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, and do what's well within
Speaker 1: your means. But sit down and talk it out. That's
Speaker 1: what me and Cadein did. We talked it out. And
Speaker 1: also know that there is no wrong decision, because even
Speaker 1: though me and Cadein can look back now and say
Speaker 1: that was a wrong decision, at the time, it was
Speaker 1: a decision we made and we made it work. We
Speaker 1: made it work. We made it works. The fact that
Speaker 1: the sacrifice. Do what you gotta do to make it
Speaker 1: work right. Fabulous. If you'd like to be featured as
Speaker 1: one of our listener letters, email us at dead ass
Speaker 1: Advice at gmail dot com. If I want to spell
Speaker 1: it out for them, that's d E A D A
Speaker 1: S S A d V I see at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's my favorite part, it's your favorite part. Yes, I
Speaker 1: love it. My moment of truth is the moment I
Speaker 1: was truthful with myself. Was the moment I was able
Speaker 1: to say, you know what, Cadein, you can be more
Speaker 1: valuable to every relationship that you have if you know
Speaker 1: your purpose and what you're here for. And it's ok
Speaker 1: sies for that to be a work in progress for you.
Speaker 1: So for those of my those are my folks out
Speaker 1: there for you and you and you you who are
Speaker 1: still trying to figure out why you're here and what
Speaker 1: your purposes. It's okay, there's not necessarily a timeline on that,
Speaker 1: but just don't drive your spouse crazy in the process. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: I I appreciate you saying that. Yes, and we drove
Speaker 1: each other crazy. We did what we still do. My
Speaker 1: moment of truth is this, The true value of a
Speaker 1: spouse exists in their ability to find their own happiness. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you see, you see that. You see I was off
Speaker 1: the top. That was that was off the dome, That
Speaker 1: was off the dome. The true see I can repeat it.
Speaker 1: The true value spouse is in the spouse's ability to
Speaker 1: find their own happiness. Because if you find your own happiness,
Speaker 1: you can then do what share it with your spouse facts,
Speaker 1: and then you'll be in one happy ass house exactly
Speaker 1: or apartment or whatever whatever it is. See be happy together,
Speaker 1: happy spouse, happy house for sure. Be that's cute, happy throws,
Speaker 1: happy house. I like that. Be sure to find us
Speaker 1: on social media, y'all dead ass the podcast on Instagram,
Speaker 1: and you know where to find me Cadeine I am,
Speaker 1: and you know where to find me. That's I am
Speaker 1: Devout And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure
Speaker 1: to rate, review, and subscribe. Dead as Baby dead Ass
Speaker 1: is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and
Speaker 1: it is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast
Speaker 1: on social media at dead as the Podcasts and never
Speaker 1: miss a Thing