1 00:00:01,720 --> 00:00:05,600 Speaker 1: Deerlana is released weekly and brought to you absolutely free. 2 00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:08,039 Speaker 1: But if you want to binge the whole season right now, 3 00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:12,200 Speaker 1: subscribe to tenderfoot Plus at tenderfootplus dot com or on 4 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:16,240 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts. You also get exclusive bonus episodes throughout the season. 5 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:20,840 Speaker 1: For more information, check out the show notes enjoy the episode. 6 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:27,840 Speaker 2: The following episode contains references to suicide. If you or 7 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:30,520 Speaker 2: someone you know is in need of help, please contact 8 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:33,520 Speaker 2: the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing nine eight eight. 9 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:35,960 Speaker 2: Listener discretion is advised. 10 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:54,320 Speaker 1: It's twenty thirteen, school starting at the University of Colorado, Boulder, 11 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:59,480 Speaker 1: and everything's happening on the hill, new people, new classes, parties, 12 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:03,440 Speaker 1: the cl fair. There's frisbee on Farrin Field, the CU 13 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:06,480 Speaker 1: Buffalo's football season is just getting started, and there are 14 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:09,400 Speaker 1: mounds of pizza boxes and beer cups piling up outside 15 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:14,480 Speaker 1: the frat houses. CU Boulder wasn't Alana's first choice. In 16 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:16,959 Speaker 1: her senior year of high school, she begged her mother 17 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:20,320 Speaker 1: to let her go to Wyoming Catholic College, a traditional 18 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:23,920 Speaker 1: leading school with an outdoor leadership program. Father Dave even 19 00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:27,720 Speaker 1: wrote her recommendation letter, but at the last minute, Alana 20 00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:31,120 Speaker 1: decided to stay local. She was already really involved with 21 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:33,520 Speaker 1: Saint Thom's, which happened to be the center of all 22 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:37,440 Speaker 1: things Catholic at CU Boulder, and Saint Thom's was in 23 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:40,640 Speaker 1: full bloom. They host a welcome barbecue for all the 24 00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:43,560 Speaker 1: new students, and there are all these really nice, good 25 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:46,160 Speaker 1: looking college grads hanging out and getting to know all 26 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:50,000 Speaker 1: the freshmen. Everyone's talking about this conference that's happening in 27 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:53,160 Speaker 1: the winter called Seek. Alana signs up. 28 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:54,960 Speaker 3: Welcome to see this. 29 00:01:58,720 --> 00:01:58,760 Speaker 4: Z. 30 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,680 Speaker 1: You're ten thousand Catholic students from across the country convening 31 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:05,080 Speaker 1: in Nashville for a week. 32 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:06,480 Speaker 5: Take out people from. 33 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:09,720 Speaker 6: All over the big class in places like Nebraska. 34 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:16,160 Speaker 1: In Colorado, there are giant stadium messes, men's and women's sessions. Women, 35 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,200 Speaker 1: you have to have a posse of women. 36 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:21,119 Speaker 7: Women need a possey Why because women hate each other. 37 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:23,680 Speaker 3: As a guy, you want the lord and you want 38 00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:26,040 Speaker 3: the lady. So I want to lay a foundation of 39 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:29,720 Speaker 3: top ten tips you can do to date your soulmate. 40 00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:34,360 Speaker 1: Incredible music, dozens of young priests ready to hear your confession. 41 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:38,840 Speaker 1: Nuns walking around arousing call to change the world. 42 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,679 Speaker 8: Would you please consider the world is waiting for you, 43 00:02:42,639 --> 00:02:46,239 Speaker 8: is waiting for you to live in divine intimacy, authentic friendship, 44 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:49,360 Speaker 8: and this ability to live in the little way and 45 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:53,760 Speaker 8: the talks. I began a career in fashion and in modeling. 46 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,600 Speaker 7: I was on America's Next Top Model. 47 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:59,040 Speaker 1: Stories of wandering through the empty promises of modern culture 48 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:01,400 Speaker 1: into a life of real fulfillment. 49 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:03,760 Speaker 6: And yet I was completely not at peace. 50 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:07,320 Speaker 2: I wanted more, and the only person who could give 51 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:09,920 Speaker 2: me more was Christ. 52 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:13,280 Speaker 1: But the highlight of the week is an evening of worship, 53 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:19,000 Speaker 1: music and prayer. The priest, in his gold vestments, burns 54 00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:23,120 Speaker 1: incense around the altar, and the worship team builds up. 55 00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:32,680 Speaker 1: The emotion Isn's And in this crowd of scared and 56 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:37,160 Speaker 1: excited young people, all kneeling, eyes closed, tonight offers a 57 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:40,000 Speaker 1: glimpse of what life could be like with thousands of 58 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:43,640 Speaker 1: others who believe what you believe, who found the answers 59 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:46,720 Speaker 1: to the confusion and uncertainty about the future that you've 60 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:51,480 Speaker 1: secretly felt, And you begin to wonder if maybe Heaven 61 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:56,720 Speaker 1: feels something like this from Tenderfoot TV. I'm Simon kent 62 00:03:56,800 --> 00:04:04,000 Speaker 1: Fung and this is Dear Alana. Part five piece of 63 00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:08,320 Speaker 1: the pie. 64 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:13,080 Speaker 9: I answered the door. I should have probably put two 65 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:14,800 Speaker 9: and two together, but I know that she was in 66 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:19,320 Speaker 9: trouble and that it wasn't good. So I remember she left, 67 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:23,560 Speaker 9: and I was crying, crying, crying, and just really confused. 68 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:26,680 Speaker 1: When the police and nun first arrived at their door, 69 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:30,719 Speaker 1: Alana's younger sister, Sophia had no clue why they were there. 70 00:04:31,279 --> 00:04:33,440 Speaker 1: She didn't know that Alana had told a friend about 71 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:36,240 Speaker 1: her plans to die by suicide, But how did she 72 00:04:36,279 --> 00:04:40,840 Speaker 1: get here? These plans didn't come from nowhere? What else 73 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:44,279 Speaker 1: was going on while she was in college besides her therapy? 74 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:48,520 Speaker 1: I decided to extend my trip in Boulder. Before I 75 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:50,919 Speaker 1: can go forward in the story, I have to go 76 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:54,080 Speaker 1: back to her college years, those pivotal years that led 77 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:59,480 Speaker 1: up to this breaking point. Today, I'm walking through Alana's 78 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:02,720 Speaker 1: old neighborho by the CU Boulder campus. I want to 79 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,400 Speaker 1: see for myself the places where Alana would have spent 80 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:09,360 Speaker 1: most of her time. On this weekday, students are recovering 81 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:12,480 Speaker 1: from last night's party, walking home from their frat houses. 82 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:21,400 Speaker 1: My introverted self couldn't imagine living here, and then I 83 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:25,159 Speaker 1: see it. Saint Thoma's, the church that Alana would sneak 84 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:28,279 Speaker 1: out to, where she first met Father Dave, where she 85 00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:31,400 Speaker 1: found her therapist, and when she went to college, this 86 00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:35,640 Speaker 1: church became her home away from home. I walk a 87 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,359 Speaker 1: little further and find myself in front of a building 88 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:42,800 Speaker 1: that says Saint Thomas Aquinas Catholic Center. There are students 89 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,839 Speaker 1: coming in and out of the building, one of whom 90 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,520 Speaker 1: holds the door for me, and as I walk in, 91 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,839 Speaker 1: I'm expecting to see some sort of worship space, but 92 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:55,200 Speaker 1: instead I enter what looks like a full fledged coffee shop. 93 00:05:58,839 --> 00:06:01,400 Speaker 1: It's got a kind of target decor with a woodpaneled 94 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:07,400 Speaker 1: accent wall and geometric wallpaper. I look up at a framed, 95 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:10,719 Speaker 1: hand lettered quote that says all I need today is 96 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:14,320 Speaker 1: a little bit of coffee and a whole lot of Jesus. Yeah, 97 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:16,279 Speaker 1: so what kind of sandwiches? 98 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:16,480 Speaker 10: Oh? 99 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:19,479 Speaker 1: There we are? So how did all this come to be? 100 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:24,680 Speaker 1: This religious haven on a secular campus. The man behind 101 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:27,080 Speaker 1: all of this, who's been leading Saint Thom's for the 102 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:32,280 Speaker 1: past twelve years, is a priest named Father Peter Mussett. 103 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:35,000 Speaker 1: He's in his mid forties, which is young for a 104 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:38,800 Speaker 1: Catholic priest. He's affable and enthusiastic, and you can hear 105 00:06:38,839 --> 00:06:41,039 Speaker 1: the joy in his voice when he talks about his work, 106 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:43,960 Speaker 1: like in this interview with the campus newspaper. 107 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:45,240 Speaker 5: I love being a priest and bowler. 108 00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:46,240 Speaker 1: Like I cannot tell you. 109 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,520 Speaker 5: I've talked to somebody in there like, oh, you're a 110 00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:51,279 Speaker 5: Catholic in They're like, oh, my cathedral is the woods, 111 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:55,880 Speaker 5: And you know what's great is it's wonderful. Then talk 112 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:58,279 Speaker 5: to me about how you experience God within the woods, 113 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:02,719 Speaker 5: Like there's all these really cool starting places that you 114 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:04,360 Speaker 5: can have within Boulder. 115 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:08,440 Speaker 1: You get the picture, an outgoing guy who seems engaged 116 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:12,320 Speaker 1: with students. Joyce remembers the first time she saw Father 117 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:15,560 Speaker 1: Peter when Alana brought her to Mass at Saint Thom's. 118 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:18,720 Speaker 6: I'd never seen a priest look like him. Sometimes he 119 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:21,840 Speaker 6: had have a man bun. Sometimes he'd just have curly, 120 00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:27,320 Speaker 6: curly hair, long birkenstocks. He just was cool. 121 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:31,520 Speaker 1: In the articles I read, that cool man bun look 122 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:35,480 Speaker 1: earned Father Peter the nickname the Hipster Priest. But it 123 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:37,480 Speaker 1: wasn't just his appearance that was appealing. 124 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,880 Speaker 6: When I first heard him give a homily, I couldn't 125 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:45,600 Speaker 6: believe it like it was so funny dream and he 126 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:50,240 Speaker 6: made the homily understandable and then he brought humor into it. 127 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:53,040 Speaker 6: So I loved it, and I had friends come and 128 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:57,360 Speaker 6: hear him like I just was like, this is the best. 129 00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,520 Speaker 1: In so many ways. Father Peter is exactly the kind 130 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:05,960 Speaker 1: of priest I dreamt of becoming young, dynamic orthodox. He's 131 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:09,600 Speaker 1: appointed as administrator for Saint Thom's in twenty eleven when 132 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,240 Speaker 1: Alana is still in high school, just as Father Dave, 133 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:17,520 Speaker 1: Alana's spiritual director, gets reassigned from Saint Thom's. Joyce remembers 134 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:20,640 Speaker 1: wondering about the reassignment, and. 135 00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:22,560 Speaker 6: That's when I met and met with Father Peter because 136 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:24,560 Speaker 6: I just trusted him so many times I met with 137 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,560 Speaker 6: him and I was like, do I have anything to 138 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:29,120 Speaker 6: be worried about? Why is he made to leave? 139 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:33,560 Speaker 1: She recalls Father Peter reassuring her that Father Dave's leaving 140 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,240 Speaker 1: is not a big deal, how they were both roommates 141 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:39,080 Speaker 1: and seminary and she had nothing to worry about, and 142 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:42,360 Speaker 1: that Father Dave was leaving for other personal reasons. 143 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:43,800 Speaker 9: And I was like, why are. 144 00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:46,080 Speaker 6: They getting him many help? And he said, no, he's 145 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:48,080 Speaker 6: just going to go to another parish because the prishioner's 146 00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:53,600 Speaker 6: here got upset with some things, and I was concerned, 147 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,000 Speaker 6: but I trusted Father Peter, and then I thought, thank God, 148 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:56,880 Speaker 6: he's leaving. 149 00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:01,720 Speaker 1: With Father Dave out of the picture and Father Peter, 150 00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:05,040 Speaker 1: the hipster priest as the new sheriff in town. Joyce 151 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:09,120 Speaker 1: was relieved. She felt like Alana was now in good hands. 152 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:13,280 Speaker 1: What she didn't know was that Alana had a different 153 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:32,720 Speaker 1: idea of what would be good for her. Back at 154 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:36,680 Speaker 1: the University of Colorado, Alana is thriving. She's joined the 155 00:09:36,679 --> 00:09:38,959 Speaker 1: collegiate for his bee team, and she makes a ton 156 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:42,000 Speaker 1: of new friends At Saint Thom's. She's become close with 157 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:45,400 Speaker 1: Father Peter, who she calls FP, and kind of dives 158 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:48,800 Speaker 1: into it all at the Catholic Center, she's volunteering at 159 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:51,920 Speaker 1: the Saint Thom's Adoration Chapel, becoming a leader for their 160 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:55,679 Speaker 1: fall retreat, and organizing students every week to give sandwiches 161 00:09:55,679 --> 00:09:59,080 Speaker 1: out to the homeless. What she seems most excited about 162 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:02,520 Speaker 1: is moving off campus into an apartment with four other 163 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:06,320 Speaker 1: Catholic girls, where they do weekly rosaries and Bible studies together. 164 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:12,319 Speaker 4: Freshman year Zeal Martyrdom sainthood. Here are all the things 165 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:16,360 Speaker 4: I'm grateful for. The missionary disciples, talking to Laura and Carissa, 166 00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:22,080 Speaker 4: sending up the emails mass this morning, signing the lease goal, 167 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:27,840 Speaker 4: make disciples win, build send through missionary service to the homeless. 168 00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:31,200 Speaker 1: A lot is clearly in her element. I feel like 169 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:33,480 Speaker 1: I'm starting to get a pretty good picture of what 170 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:37,720 Speaker 1: her college experience was like. Saint Thom's seems to provide 171 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:41,120 Speaker 1: a kind of alternative to the mainstream activities found at 172 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:44,400 Speaker 1: a party school like CU. It's like, instead of going 173 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,600 Speaker 1: to the bar crawl on Friday, let's hang out at 174 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:49,160 Speaker 1: the Saint Tom's coffee shop and talk about our walk 175 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:54,080 Speaker 1: with God. I would have totally signed up. Up until college, 176 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:58,080 Speaker 1: my faith was very private and devotional, but I soon 177 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:02,600 Speaker 1: stumbled into a more intellectual side of Catholicism, aside that 178 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:05,760 Speaker 1: equipped me with debate level knowledge so that I could 179 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:09,680 Speaker 1: defend the church and win arguments. I discovered an entire 180 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:14,880 Speaker 1: industry of books and conferences dedicated to this ALTA gets 181 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:17,240 Speaker 1: a good dose of this at the Nashville conference you 182 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:20,160 Speaker 1: heard at the beginning, where Father Peter brings a contingent 183 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:26,000 Speaker 1: of ninety CU students after a reverend stadium mass. The 184 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:30,160 Speaker 1: music dies down and everyone settles in. The speaker takes 185 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:31,400 Speaker 1: the stage. 186 00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:34,760 Speaker 11: The worldview that we're going to attack today is relativism. 187 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:39,720 Speaker 1: So the word with me. Relativism a philosophical concept that 188 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:42,040 Speaker 1: most of the students have probably never heard of. 189 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:44,439 Speaker 11: It's the idea that there is no truth. The truth 190 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,400 Speaker 11: is relative to what each person believes. So it does 191 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,400 Speaker 11: away with this idea that there's objective truth. 192 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:54,160 Speaker 1: You can think of relativism as license to do whatever 193 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:54,640 Speaker 1: you want. 194 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,160 Speaker 11: Now, most people are not relativists when it comes to 195 00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,800 Speaker 11: things that are scientifically verifiable, and no one's going to say, 196 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:03,720 Speaker 11: you know, two plus two is five for me, that's 197 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:07,400 Speaker 11: my truth. Don't impose you four in my five, You 198 00:12:07,559 --> 00:12:09,040 Speaker 11: closed minded Catholics. 199 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:11,320 Speaker 1: He's ripping on his critics. 200 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:15,600 Speaker 11: But we're relativists when it comes to everything else. So 201 00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:18,559 Speaker 11: how do I make a moral decision? Definis is a marriage? 202 00:12:18,559 --> 00:12:21,439 Speaker 11: Anything like that? We think that's stuff that people make 203 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:24,720 Speaker 11: up for themselves. There is no such thing as truth. 204 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:28,800 Speaker 1: Hitler said that even Hitler was a relativist. That puts 205 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:29,760 Speaker 1: it into perspective. 206 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:32,319 Speaker 11: See, if your God lets you do whatever you want, 207 00:12:32,679 --> 00:12:35,839 Speaker 11: your god is you If there's no objective truth out 208 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:39,560 Speaker 11: there about morals. Where is your moral compass? Point? 209 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:42,600 Speaker 1: It points to the all powerful question what feels right? 210 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:46,560 Speaker 1: I remember hearing talks like this and feeling like I 211 00:12:46,559 --> 00:12:50,640 Speaker 1: couldn't trust myself. Only God was objective, and it was 212 00:12:50,679 --> 00:12:53,560 Speaker 1: my duty to defend him against a wider culture that 213 00:12:53,679 --> 00:12:56,199 Speaker 1: was dead set on attacking us for our beliefs. 214 00:12:56,679 --> 00:13:01,080 Speaker 4: We know there is persecution that is occurring against. 215 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:04,360 Speaker 11: Christians surrounded by this culture that has so much craziness 216 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:04,679 Speaker 11: in it. 217 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,839 Speaker 1: How do we live in a culture like this? You 218 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:10,160 Speaker 1: a culture of moral relativism? I want to talk about that. 219 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,719 Speaker 1: With the culture against us, what were we to do? 220 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:17,560 Speaker 1: The answer was to fight back with objective truth. And 221 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:20,600 Speaker 1: the way to discover that objective truth was through the 222 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:24,040 Speaker 1: superpowers of the Church, which Catholics believe has a direct 223 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:27,120 Speaker 1: and historical line to God, kind of giving us the 224 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,760 Speaker 1: cheat codes to the video game of life, and it 225 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:33,959 Speaker 1: seems to have worked. Some of the most famous scientific discoveries, 226 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:37,800 Speaker 1: like the Big Bang were discovered by Catholic priests. The 227 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:42,280 Speaker 1: Universal Declaration of Human Rights was kickstarted by a Catholic philosopher, 228 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,120 Speaker 1: and you know who else is Catholic? Six of the 229 00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:47,240 Speaker 1: nine US Supreme Court justices. 230 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:49,880 Speaker 11: We started the hospital system, started the university system. Maybe 231 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:52,000 Speaker 11: you know large social service breader on the planet. 232 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:58,040 Speaker 1: Heck, even Stephen Colbert teaches Catholic Sunday School. God must 233 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:01,640 Speaker 1: be backing this right, so you can understand how drawn 234 00:14:01,679 --> 00:14:05,040 Speaker 1: I was to this church and why young college students 235 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:09,680 Speaker 1: like Alana would also be captivated. The talk ends with 236 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:11,040 Speaker 1: a call to be a saint. 237 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,680 Speaker 11: You see, you, Becoming holy is not just about you. 238 00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:17,760 Speaker 11: We live in a world that's forgotten its way. It's 239 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:21,680 Speaker 11: forgotten that life has any purpose, and the answer God 240 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:22,360 Speaker 11: sends is you. 241 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:28,080 Speaker 1: I picture Alana hearing this and feeling like He's talking 242 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:31,600 Speaker 1: directly to her. She too wanted to be holy and 243 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:35,840 Speaker 1: perfectly united with God, a saint to save those around her, 244 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:39,440 Speaker 1: and by her sophomore year, Alana was well known throughout 245 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:43,400 Speaker 1: the Saint Tom's community. With her quiet devotion and commitment 246 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:46,000 Speaker 1: to the homeless, it was obvious she was on a 247 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:49,440 Speaker 1: fast track to becoming a saint. Even younger students had 248 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:53,240 Speaker 1: heard of Alana Chen's religious reputation before meeting her. But 249 00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:56,360 Speaker 1: what really got everyone talking was her friendship with a 250 00:14:56,400 --> 00:15:01,280 Speaker 1: boy named Micah. Here's Alana describing him on her timeline. 251 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:05,120 Speaker 4: Micah met at Saint Thom's first guy to be close 252 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:15,440 Speaker 4: to gentlemen, adventurous, sensitive, joyful, vulnerable, healthy boundaries, soulmate, partner 253 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:16,080 Speaker 4: in sainthood. 254 00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:20,840 Speaker 1: Micah's tall, dark, and handsome. He goes with Alana to 255 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,920 Speaker 1: visit the homeless under the bridge on Sundays. They both 256 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:27,200 Speaker 1: love hiking the flatirons by the campus together. And what 257 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:31,120 Speaker 1: makes Micah special is that, like Alana wanting to become 258 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:35,480 Speaker 1: a nun, Micah wants to become a priest. This gets 259 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:39,000 Speaker 1: everyone talking and the are they aren't they? Speculation of 260 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:42,120 Speaker 1: these two good looking saints in the making makes them 261 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:46,240 Speaker 1: a kind of Catholic power couple. But Micah and Alana 262 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:49,600 Speaker 1: are both figuring out their vocations how God is calling 263 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:52,600 Speaker 1: them to serve the church, which means picking from one 264 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:56,440 Speaker 1: of three options marriage, becoming a priest or a nun, 265 00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:57,840 Speaker 1: or staying single. 266 00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:02,440 Speaker 4: In the fall, the Dominican sisters visited our campus. It's 267 00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:05,800 Speaker 4: hard to describe, but after hearing their vocation stories, my 268 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:10,000 Speaker 4: heart was burning. The sister said, even though she wanted 269 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:13,240 Speaker 4: to be married and have children, it was okay. That 270 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:17,040 Speaker 4: made her vocation even more pure. I asked Jesus to 271 00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:19,720 Speaker 4: make my vocation pure, so I asked for the desire 272 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,680 Speaker 4: to be married and have kids. In the next couple 273 00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:25,160 Speaker 4: of weeks, my best male friend asked me on a date. 274 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:28,040 Speaker 4: We both liked each other, and even though I was 275 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:31,320 Speaker 4: asserting to be a sister and he a priest, I 276 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:32,240 Speaker 4: said yes. 277 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:36,440 Speaker 1: Alana's older sister, Carrissa, remembers that first date. 278 00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:39,240 Speaker 12: It was like a big deal at the ten house 279 00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:41,160 Speaker 12: that she was going on this date. 280 00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:44,120 Speaker 4: And he picked her up and we had all met him. 281 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,960 Speaker 9: He's super nice, he's handsome. 282 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,120 Speaker 1: They finished their date that evening at the chapel at 283 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:50,880 Speaker 1: Saint Thom's praying together. 284 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:52,360 Speaker 4: I liked him a lot. 285 00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:53,800 Speaker 9: He was very holy. 286 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,960 Speaker 4: This increased my desire for marriage, but also my desire 287 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:02,520 Speaker 4: to be a sister. As we dated, I constantly felt torn. 288 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:07,040 Speaker 4: I asked many people for advice, but no one would 289 00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:10,840 Speaker 4: tell me what to do. Then I understood that Jesus 290 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:13,000 Speaker 4: was leaving me the free choice. 291 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:17,160 Speaker 1: Alanna's facing the dilemma of whether to become a nun 292 00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:20,399 Speaker 1: or to marry. This might seem like she's getting ahead 293 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,679 Speaker 1: of herself with Micah, like they're only going on dates. 294 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:26,760 Speaker 1: Why she's thinking about marriage. But for Catholics, when it 295 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:30,040 Speaker 1: comes to discerning your vocation, it's really important to get 296 00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:33,440 Speaker 1: it right. Picking the wrong one is like missing out 297 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,200 Speaker 1: on what God wanted you to be, so the stakes 298 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:40,200 Speaker 1: are high. I remember the many journals I wrote asking 299 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:43,560 Speaker 1: God to help me discover my vocation. There was nothing 300 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:47,280 Speaker 1: more I wanted than to follow God's will perfectly, and 301 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:51,199 Speaker 1: everything in me was pointing to the priesthood. For me, 302 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:55,040 Speaker 1: marriage wasn't something that had ever crossed my mind, but 303 00:17:55,119 --> 00:17:57,879 Speaker 1: the thought of becoming a priest, not having a family 304 00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:01,560 Speaker 1: of my own, and serving God's family full time filled 305 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:05,640 Speaker 1: me with a deep sense of peace and joy. Father William, 306 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:09,000 Speaker 1: my spiritual director, told me that these were all signs 307 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:12,240 Speaker 1: of a vocation to the priesthood. Not every young Catholic 308 00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:18,800 Speaker 1: man feels this way. Alana takes her vocational discernment very seriously. 309 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:23,000 Speaker 1: She dates Micah and also attends retreats with Mother Teresa's 310 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:25,679 Speaker 1: nuns in New York to see which one speaks to 311 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:26,359 Speaker 1: her more. 312 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:30,320 Speaker 4: Please answer me, God, hear my cry when I call 313 00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:33,640 Speaker 4: to you. Father told me not to even think about 314 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,080 Speaker 4: my vocation until the last day of my retreat with 315 00:18:36,119 --> 00:18:41,080 Speaker 4: the sisters already, it's all I think about, should I 316 00:18:41,119 --> 00:18:44,600 Speaker 4: listen to Father Dave my spiritual director? Or should I 317 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:47,320 Speaker 4: look and ask you in prayer about my vocation. 318 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:52,080 Speaker 1: It's been nearly three years since Father Dave has left 319 00:18:52,119 --> 00:18:55,520 Speaker 1: Saint Thom's, so why is Alana still referring to him 320 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:59,640 Speaker 1: as her spiritual director? What no one knows is that 321 00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:02,439 Speaker 1: Allnna has been in touch with Father Dave behind her 322 00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:12,080 Speaker 1: mother's back this entire time. Alana's mother had forbidden her 323 00:19:12,119 --> 00:19:15,199 Speaker 1: from meeting with Father Dave unsupervised when she was a 324 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:19,160 Speaker 1: young teen, but by college, it's clear that Alana has 325 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:20,280 Speaker 1: been ignoring her mom. 326 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,399 Speaker 6: Well, who are you on the phone with Alana? And 327 00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:26,480 Speaker 6: then she'd finally tell me. She wouldn't tell me right away, 328 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:31,920 Speaker 6: and then I was really mad because you're not supposed 329 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:35,160 Speaker 6: to be talking to him anymore. And she's like, it's 330 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:38,760 Speaker 6: on the phone, it's not in person. She'd get upset. 331 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:43,359 Speaker 1: While other teenagers might rebel by drinking and breaking curfew, 332 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:47,600 Speaker 1: Alana's form of rebellion is talking to her priest on 333 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:50,479 Speaker 1: the phone. I managed to get a hold of the 334 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:53,800 Speaker 1: phone they're talking about. Her family was able to unlock it, 335 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,159 Speaker 1: but Joyce has never been able to look through it 336 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:59,960 Speaker 1: in any depth. It's too painful. I ask her if 337 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:03,199 Speaker 1: she would be okay if I did, Please guard it 338 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:06,800 Speaker 1: with your life. She says, there's a lot on the phone, 339 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,840 Speaker 1: and it takes me nearly two weeks to comb through it. 340 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:14,200 Speaker 1: I discover that Alana and Father Dave were communicating even 341 00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:17,480 Speaker 1: more than what Joyce was aware of, especially by text. 342 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:21,760 Speaker 1: They text almost weekly, sometimes several times a week, and 343 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:25,320 Speaker 1: as I read through their conversations, I discover more layers 344 00:20:25,359 --> 00:20:29,560 Speaker 1: to their relationship. They joke about their Meyers Briggs personality types. 345 00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:33,200 Speaker 1: Alana is an infp and Father Dave shares how hard 346 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,840 Speaker 1: it's been with all of his reassignments. He sends her selfies, 347 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:40,320 Speaker 1: shares the occasional food pic, and they schedule times to 348 00:20:40,359 --> 00:20:43,320 Speaker 1: talk on the phone. He asks her how bad her 349 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:46,520 Speaker 1: temptations are on a scale of one to ten. She 350 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:50,480 Speaker 1: replies eight. Then, at the end of her junior year 351 00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:54,800 Speaker 1: at cu Alana texts him Happy Father's Day. You are 352 00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:58,919 Speaker 1: a good father. I love you. He replies, thank you. 353 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,440 Speaker 1: I love you too. I was looking for you on 354 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,720 Speaker 1: Facebook since I joined. You're very smart for not being 355 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:09,200 Speaker 1: on it. Father Dave and Alana's text messages look more 356 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:12,480 Speaker 1: like two friends talking rather than an older man and 357 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:15,960 Speaker 1: a young woman seeking spiritual direction. While there are no 358 00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:19,560 Speaker 1: hard and fast rules to spiritual direction, I'm not sure 359 00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:22,439 Speaker 1: where the line is. And even though I was close 360 00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:26,160 Speaker 1: with my spiritual director, it never looked quite like this 361 00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:37,760 Speaker 1: With a new community of religious peers, people like Micah 362 00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:40,399 Speaker 1: and others at Saint Thom's who are as invested in 363 00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:43,600 Speaker 1: their faith as Alana is. Alana tries hard to keep 364 00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:46,920 Speaker 1: up with her old friends, but mixing friend groups would 365 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:50,760 Speaker 1: prove to be complicated. Here's me again, the Frisbee Captain. 366 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:55,639 Speaker 12: One of the more defining things that year was my 367 00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:59,560 Speaker 12: friend Kelsey, who was dating this other girl at the time. 368 00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:07,280 Speaker 12: There was a holiday party that Alana had invited, myself, Kelsey, 369 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:11,480 Speaker 12: and Kelsey's partner too. It happened to be at Peter 370 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:12,719 Speaker 12: Mussett's house. 371 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:16,639 Speaker 1: Peter Musset is father Peter, you know, the hipster priest. 372 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:20,840 Speaker 1: After the party, ME picked up on something Kelsey and 373 00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:23,120 Speaker 1: their partner were really uncomfortable. 374 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:27,040 Speaker 12: At that point, I had realized, like, maybe it's best 375 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:30,600 Speaker 12: to not be in the same spaces as like Alana's 376 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:32,840 Speaker 12: church friends, because of the way that like, you know, 377 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:37,120 Speaker 12: Kelsey feels uncomfortable and Kelsey feels judged. And at that point, 378 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:41,040 Speaker 12: I think neither of us had known that Alana was gay. 379 00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:45,200 Speaker 12: So I really don't know if Alana, you know, brought 380 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,800 Speaker 12: the three of us there to just like make those 381 00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:51,119 Speaker 12: spaces a little bit safer, I'd like to think. So 382 00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:53,840 Speaker 12: I'd like to think that Alana wanted us there. 383 00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:58,040 Speaker 1: I asked joy Alana's best friends in kindergarten, what she 384 00:22:58,119 --> 00:23:00,000 Speaker 1: remembers about Alana's new church friends. 385 00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:00,679 Speaker 10: So. 386 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:04,920 Speaker 7: I remember one time this girl said to me, like, yeah, yeah, 387 00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:06,320 Speaker 7: it's great that you go to church, you know, but 388 00:23:06,359 --> 00:23:09,440 Speaker 7: it's just kind of like you have one piece of 389 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:13,120 Speaker 7: the pie as a Protestant and Catholics. 390 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:13,520 Speaker 1: We have the whole pie. 391 00:23:14,359 --> 00:23:16,159 Speaker 7: And I just I like knew. I was like, what 392 00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:19,680 Speaker 7: that's no. So she never did. 393 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:22,760 Speaker 1: Did she ever try to convert eat it? 394 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:23,159 Speaker 4: No? 395 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:26,520 Speaker 7: She did not. People that she was friends with did. 396 00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:29,919 Speaker 1: While Alanna never tried to convert Joy or any of 397 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:32,920 Speaker 1: her old friends for that matter, her new friends weren't 398 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:36,119 Speaker 1: making a great impression on her old friends or her mom. 399 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:40,560 Speaker 1: Here's Joyce recalling a time when Alana had her church friends. 400 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:43,320 Speaker 6: Over There was that one time when I was in 401 00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:48,000 Speaker 6: my house and I overheard them talking about abortion should 402 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:51,440 Speaker 6: be murder one. And I remember going in the dining 403 00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:53,480 Speaker 6: room and I didn't want to embarrass alone or anything, 404 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:56,560 Speaker 6: but I was, like, you really think that? Like I 405 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:58,600 Speaker 6: was like murder one. I said, do you know how 406 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:01,960 Speaker 6: some people suffer for after they have an abortion? For years? 407 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:06,120 Speaker 6: They feel bad, especially if they can't have children. And 408 00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:08,440 Speaker 6: it's not an easy thing, but murder one. 409 00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:13,720 Speaker 1: First degree murder, punishable in some states by death. A 410 00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:16,879 Speaker 1: lot OF's new friends become yet another source of conflict 411 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:18,520 Speaker 1: between her and her mom. 412 00:24:19,119 --> 00:24:21,320 Speaker 6: I remember one day dropping her off to that apartment 413 00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:24,160 Speaker 6: complex and we had a discussion and it turned into 414 00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:27,080 Speaker 6: a debate, which and she started crying and told me, 415 00:24:27,119 --> 00:24:29,280 Speaker 6: you think I'm weird And I don't know if it 416 00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:33,760 Speaker 6: was about a Republican Democrat thing or again with the abortion, 417 00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:36,199 Speaker 6: and she was crying and she ran on my car, 418 00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:38,879 Speaker 6: and I remember and I thought, I can't I can't 419 00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:40,880 Speaker 6: lose my daughter. I have to stop. 420 00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:44,480 Speaker 1: Joyce rationalizes her decision to back off. 421 00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:48,639 Speaker 6: She loves these friends, and she's good. She looked what 422 00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:51,560 Speaker 6: she does like, she's so good. She helps the poor, 423 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:56,960 Speaker 6: the homeless. She loves God. I didn't know though, this 424 00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:57,560 Speaker 6: other thing. 425 00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:05,200 Speaker 1: I didn't know, this other thing, the secret. 426 00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:10,440 Speaker 4: Sunday once to practice, should not have gone, need to 427 00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:15,600 Speaker 4: let go of Ultimate, so many desires and temptations. It 428 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:21,359 Speaker 4: made me regret choosing this college. Sophomore year, core leader 429 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:29,919 Speaker 4: at Saint Thom's, but lonely, unsure, burning out, overworked, dishonest 430 00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:35,320 Speaker 4: with God, ashamed, struggling with same sex. 431 00:25:35,119 --> 00:25:39,600 Speaker 1: Attraction, Alana's clearly having a hard time with her SSA. 432 00:25:40,119 --> 00:25:42,359 Speaker 1: In an email she writes to Father Dave during her 433 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:47,360 Speaker 1: sophomore year, she tries to distance herself from these temptations. Remember, 434 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:50,119 Speaker 1: up until now, she hasn't told her friends or her 435 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:52,080 Speaker 1: family about any of this. 436 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:55,000 Speaker 4: This week has been filled with grace, but it was 437 00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:58,200 Speaker 4: also kind of rough. Two of my girlfriends from high 438 00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:01,560 Speaker 4: school Ultimate recently came out and our inner relationship together. 439 00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:05,199 Speaker 4: Then today I'm told that another girl, a friend at 440 00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:10,440 Speaker 4: Saint Thom's, is struggling with homosexuality. Although she remains chaste, 441 00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:14,280 Speaker 4: she deals with the loneliness by drinking and partying, and 442 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,840 Speaker 4: she's growing further and further away from God. 443 00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:19,840 Speaker 1: And in the midst of this, she journals about her 444 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:21,920 Speaker 1: relationship with Micah. 445 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:24,160 Speaker 4: One day, I was reading a book about Saint Terrez, 446 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:27,879 Speaker 4: but I was so distracted by the situation I was 447 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:31,359 Speaker 4: not paying attention to the words. I stopped reading and 448 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:36,239 Speaker 4: began to pray, Lord, if you are giving me the 449 00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:39,920 Speaker 4: free choice, then, searching the depths of my soul, I 450 00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:44,480 Speaker 4: cannot date Micah anymore. I choose to give my heart 451 00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:48,280 Speaker 4: to you. I ended my prayer and began to read 452 00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:52,320 Speaker 4: where I had left off. The words read Here on earth, 453 00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:57,000 Speaker 4: love proves itself by free choice. Jesus wants to be chosen, 454 00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:01,479 Speaker 4: he wants to be preferred. Then I knew I had 455 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:05,879 Speaker 4: made the right choice. We stopped dating. He was fine 456 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:07,280 Speaker 4: since he wanted to be a priest. 457 00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:13,560 Speaker 10: It's so funny the parallels, you know, like I always 458 00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:18,560 Speaker 10: thought that, you know, I used I tried dating girls too, 459 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:21,920 Speaker 10: you know. I always felt like there was moments where 460 00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:25,359 Speaker 10: I was like, but the vocation to the priesthood is 461 00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:27,480 Speaker 10: what my calling is, and so I can't And so 462 00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:30,600 Speaker 10: I kind of I kind of tricked myself into being like, 463 00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:33,920 Speaker 10: I'm choosing this other thing that's you know, that's my calling, 464 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:37,840 Speaker 10: and I can't date those girls. But you know, really, 465 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:38,679 Speaker 10: I wasn't. 466 00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:39,800 Speaker 1: Into it, into it. 467 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:43,080 Speaker 6: Yeah, it's tortuous. 468 00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:44,960 Speaker 13: It's tortuous. 469 00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:53,240 Speaker 1: Interspersed between scholarship applications and writing assignments are a bunch 470 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:56,919 Speaker 1: of her notes titled Healthy Sexuality. It's a kind of 471 00:27:56,960 --> 00:27:59,240 Speaker 1: summary of the Catholic teaching on sex. 472 00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:04,720 Speaker 4: Healthy sexuality. Sexuality affects all aspects of the human person 473 00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:08,000 Speaker 4: in the unity of his body and soul. Sex is 474 00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:12,440 Speaker 4: designed for both union and procreation. Sex as God intended 475 00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:15,440 Speaker 4: is for one man and one wife in a committed, 476 00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:20,880 Speaker 4: lifelong marriage relationship. Masturbation turns his energy in on oneself. 477 00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:30,040 Speaker 4: Masturbation is a symbol of selfishness and loneliness. Masturbation, fornication, adultery, 478 00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:35,359 Speaker 4: contraception do not image God's free, total, faithful, and fruitful love. 479 00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:41,080 Speaker 1: For a lot of people, these restrictions seem out of date, 480 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:45,280 Speaker 1: But for many Catholics, the church's job is precisely to 481 00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:50,600 Speaker 1: not change, because God's truth doesn't change. He's not a relativist. Remember, 482 00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:53,880 Speaker 1: as we learned from the conference speaker. By the time 483 00:28:53,920 --> 00:28:57,800 Speaker 1: I get to Alana's notes on homosexuality, it's not surprising 484 00:28:57,920 --> 00:28:59,880 Speaker 1: what I find with. 485 00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:03,719 Speaker 4: Same sex attraction who act out sexually can never become 486 00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:07,880 Speaker 4: one body with their partner, since their sexual organs cannot 487 00:29:07,880 --> 00:29:10,720 Speaker 4: be united and there is no possibility of creating another 488 00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:14,520 Speaker 4: person through a one flesh union, This could only amount 489 00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:20,720 Speaker 4: to mutual masturbation. Same sex attraction is disordered and not 490 00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:22,080 Speaker 4: according to God's plan. 491 00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:28,560 Speaker 1: For young people trying desperately to follow God's plan, this 492 00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:34,120 Speaker 1: characterization of homosexual relationships as physiologically incompatible with this plan 493 00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:38,320 Speaker 1: is impossible to ignore. It burrows deep into our souls, 494 00:29:38,560 --> 00:29:42,400 Speaker 1: feeling the belief that how we experience relationship is from 495 00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:46,600 Speaker 1: God's perspective broken, and so we hide these feelings behind 496 00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:49,480 Speaker 1: a red line we must never cross because we can't 497 00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:53,560 Speaker 1: afford to lose God. We return to the speaker stage. 498 00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:57,640 Speaker 1: This is from another Catholic conference Alana attended organized by 499 00:29:57,640 --> 00:29:59,680 Speaker 1: the Franciscan University of Stupenville. 500 00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:02,160 Speaker 3: When when people hear this, they think, well, well, what 501 00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:02,520 Speaker 3: does this? 502 00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:03,960 Speaker 13: Where does this leave me? Though? 503 00:30:04,200 --> 00:30:05,520 Speaker 3: Like I have these attractions? 504 00:30:05,560 --> 00:30:06,560 Speaker 1: Like what does this mean? 505 00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:09,320 Speaker 3: Like I can I can never have a family, Like 506 00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:13,880 Speaker 3: I can never get married. Do you trust God's love 507 00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:16,600 Speaker 3: for you to the extent that you will abandon your 508 00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:18,760 Speaker 3: own will in order to follow him? Or do you 509 00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:21,480 Speaker 3: trust your own will for yourself more than you trust 510 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:24,280 Speaker 3: in God? And you'd rather abandon him than your own will. 511 00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:28,560 Speaker 1: Alana takes all of this to heart. It's as if 512 00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:31,160 Speaker 1: she has to do everything possible to prove that she's 513 00:30:31,200 --> 00:30:32,360 Speaker 1: not abandoning God. 514 00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:36,600 Speaker 4: My Jesus, there is a lot to do. Marry in 515 00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:40,440 Speaker 4: Consecration started yesterday, So here comes the Renunciation of the World. 516 00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:44,400 Speaker 4: Five to Sick scholarship essays to finished by Thursday. Five 517 00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:47,680 Speaker 4: page paper due soon. Buffalo awakening. I need to make 518 00:30:47,800 --> 00:30:51,360 Speaker 4: name tags and buy snacks, decorate boxes. I need to 519 00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:57,960 Speaker 4: continue fundraising. Lord, I need your help. Confession consent to 520 00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:01,800 Speaker 4: impure thoughts and same sex attraction. I let my weakness 521 00:31:01,800 --> 00:31:04,240 Speaker 4: scare me and forget to trust in God her protection. 522 00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:09,480 Speaker 4: Always neglecting homework, always eating too much, always picking at skin, 523 00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:13,480 Speaker 4: always thinking about how others will think of me, not 524 00:31:13,720 --> 00:31:19,040 Speaker 4: sleeping enough, fall asleep, praying. I have haunting, impure dreams. 525 00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:25,080 Speaker 4: They lead to despair and fear. Junior year, moved back 526 00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:29,240 Speaker 4: home to save money. Overworked, still two jobs, not doing 527 00:31:29,280 --> 00:31:34,160 Speaker 4: well in school, compulsive masturbation, attracted to every woman I 528 00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:37,560 Speaker 4: lay eyes on. My life is in shamples. I just 529 00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:40,440 Speaker 4: want to be clean and free and pure. 530 00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:50,680 Speaker 1: Midway through her junior year, Alana tears her acl during 531 00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:54,200 Speaker 1: a frisbee tournament and needs surgery. It's as if her 532 00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:57,720 Speaker 1: body is giving out under all the pressure. She moves 533 00:31:57,760 --> 00:31:58,760 Speaker 1: back home to recover. 534 00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:01,560 Speaker 6: When she got home, they had told me to get 535 00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:03,960 Speaker 6: an ice machine, that you should put ice around the clock. 536 00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:06,560 Speaker 6: So I decided I'm gonna stay on the couch with her, 537 00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:10,400 Speaker 6: and like we had a big ice bucket thing on 538 00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:13,080 Speaker 6: the porch, so you know, I could refill the ice machine. 539 00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:14,720 Speaker 6: And I just stayed up all night with her. I 540 00:32:14,800 --> 00:32:18,000 Speaker 6: probably dozed off, but she didn't seem good. 541 00:32:18,600 --> 00:32:21,920 Speaker 1: A lot of seems really down. Recovering from surgery is 542 00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:24,680 Speaker 1: no fun. So her friends stopped by to cheer her up. 543 00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:28,080 Speaker 6: I remember her friends kept visiting. Micah came and he 544 00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:31,160 Speaker 6: cleaned all like he was cleaning and bringing her food, 545 00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:34,360 Speaker 6: and I remember thinking, oh, he's so nice. And Katie, 546 00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:37,600 Speaker 6: her friend from Frisbee, came in joy and everybody would 547 00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:38,520 Speaker 6: visit her. 548 00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:41,800 Speaker 1: But one evening while her mother is with her on 549 00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:44,520 Speaker 1: the couch, A lot of share is what's really been 550 00:32:44,640 --> 00:32:45,080 Speaker 1: going on. 551 00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:47,920 Speaker 6: I just kept staying a sleeping on the couch with her, 552 00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:51,360 Speaker 6: and then she told me she was attracted to women, 553 00:32:52,040 --> 00:32:55,440 Speaker 6: and she told the priest, and she told me, you 554 00:32:55,480 --> 00:32:59,280 Speaker 6: know about a masturbation was immortal sin, and it was 555 00:32:59,320 --> 00:33:01,920 Speaker 6: lifted all those years and it was back and that 556 00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:06,800 Speaker 6: school was round the clock with the environmental design. And 557 00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:10,000 Speaker 6: then she couldn't keep it up with the church hours 558 00:33:10,040 --> 00:33:13,000 Speaker 6: and the homeless hours, and she was like falling apart. 559 00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:17,880 Speaker 1: The stress from everything was too much and Alana couldn't 560 00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:20,880 Speaker 1: keep it in anymore. Joyce isn't sure what to make 561 00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:23,800 Speaker 1: of any of it. This completely blindsides her. 562 00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:26,240 Speaker 6: You know, And I was just shocked, like I was, 563 00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:28,640 Speaker 6: you know, I was just in shock. 564 00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:33,520 Speaker 1: Joyce describes how horrified she felt that Alana had been 565 00:33:33,640 --> 00:33:36,840 Speaker 1: carrying the secret all on her own, and she tries 566 00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:39,520 Speaker 1: her best to comfort her daughter. But as much as 567 00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:42,320 Speaker 1: Alana seems to be opening up by finally coming out 568 00:33:42,320 --> 00:33:45,880 Speaker 1: to her mom, she's not sharing the whole picture. She 569 00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:48,600 Speaker 1: doesn't tell her about what she's been learning in therapy. 570 00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:52,120 Speaker 1: From this next passage, I find it looks like the 571 00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:55,440 Speaker 1: wedge between Alana and her parents that began with father 572 00:33:55,600 --> 00:33:58,960 Speaker 1: Dave had been continuing long after he'd left. 573 00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:02,920 Speaker 4: Peter told me that I should not identify by my temptations, 574 00:34:03,200 --> 00:34:05,600 Speaker 4: for the cause is much deeper than I could imagine. 575 00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:10,040 Speaker 4: The cause was the doubt and isolation from a young age. 576 00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:12,960 Speaker 4: I did not know God. From a young age. I 577 00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:16,920 Speaker 4: was isolated because of my sexual addiction. I felt so 578 00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:21,600 Speaker 4: much shame and hopelessness because of my parents. I could 579 00:34:21,600 --> 00:34:25,120 Speaker 4: not relate to them or be known by them. They 580 00:34:25,160 --> 00:34:26,400 Speaker 4: were too strong. 581 00:34:26,239 --> 00:34:30,680 Speaker 1: And I was weak. The hipster priest, the one who 582 00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:35,439 Speaker 1: ironically Joyce trusted, was the person who'd been reinforcing these 583 00:34:35,560 --> 00:34:38,920 Speaker 1: parental theories. And as I look at Alana's therapy dates 584 00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:42,440 Speaker 1: with Kate, I realized that it was under Father Peter's 585 00:34:42,520 --> 00:34:46,040 Speaker 1: leadership that Saint Thom's was referring this kind of therapy 586 00:34:46,239 --> 00:34:50,239 Speaker 1: to the students. The stress leading up to Alana's acl 587 00:34:50,280 --> 00:34:54,000 Speaker 1: tair would be compounded with another year of therapy where 588 00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:56,919 Speaker 1: Alana tries desperately to fix herself in order to become 589 00:34:56,960 --> 00:34:59,120 Speaker 1: a nun or a wife, to get to the root 590 00:34:59,160 --> 00:35:01,799 Speaker 1: of her mother wound that she's told made her gay. 591 00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:06,840 Speaker 1: By now, it's becoming clear that this intoxicating sense of 592 00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:09,920 Speaker 1: belonging to a community with shared black and white values, 593 00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:14,080 Speaker 1: while comforting, might have drove Alana into me, deeper into 594 00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:18,040 Speaker 1: a profound shame, A shame that's all over Alana's journals, 595 00:35:18,480 --> 00:35:21,000 Speaker 1: a shame eating away at her sense of self and 596 00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:24,720 Speaker 1: mental health, A shame that no one else could see. 597 00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:30,080 Speaker 1: Perhaps it's this shame that led to Alana's suicide scare 598 00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:33,120 Speaker 1: in her senior year at CU. As her younger sister, 599 00:35:33,200 --> 00:35:36,680 Speaker 1: Sophia explained, a police officer and a nun came to 600 00:35:36,719 --> 00:35:40,320 Speaker 1: the Chen home and rushed Alana to the hospital. Sophia 601 00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:43,440 Speaker 1: was left confused and crying after learning that Alana had 602 00:35:43,440 --> 00:35:47,720 Speaker 1: threatened to kill herself. When Joyce finds out, she races 603 00:35:47,800 --> 00:35:48,440 Speaker 1: to the er. 604 00:35:49,239 --> 00:35:53,960 Speaker 6: I get there to the emergency room, there's a couple 605 00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:58,160 Speaker 6: of nuns, and then there's father Peter on his knees 606 00:35:58,239 --> 00:36:05,080 Speaker 6: praying over Alana. She's crying, and I'm just stunned. I'm like, 607 00:36:05,719 --> 00:36:07,320 Speaker 6: what the hell is going on here? 608 00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:14,920 Speaker 13: I will follow you, follow you where I find you. 609 00:36:15,360 --> 00:36:18,440 Speaker 1: Mine next time on dear Alana. 610 00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:22,160 Speaker 7: So she said, When I think of home, I realize 611 00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:24,880 Speaker 7: I have very few people left. I'm so grateful to 612 00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:27,400 Speaker 7: have you and that you never gave up on me. 613 00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:29,319 Speaker 7: I'm finally learning that to give up on. 614 00:36:29,400 --> 00:36:33,080 Speaker 1: Myself how Alana's struggle is interrupted by a friendship that 615 00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:34,960 Speaker 1: develops into something more. 616 00:36:35,719 --> 00:36:42,640 Speaker 13: I will follow You ever since you touched on? Thank You. 617 00:36:44,239 --> 00:36:47,920 Speaker 1: Dear Alana was created, hosted, and written by me Simon 618 00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:51,839 Speaker 1: Kentfung and is a production of Tenderfoot TV in association 619 00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:55,040 Speaker 1: with a Slept Audio and the Center for Independent Documentary. 620 00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:58,560 Speaker 1: It was produced by Lauri Puliski, who also composed the music. 621 00:36:59,040 --> 00:37:03,399 Speaker 1: Executive producer are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsay. Our 622 00:37:03,400 --> 00:37:07,560 Speaker 1: supervising producer is Tracy leeds Kaplan. Additional music by Makeup 623 00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:11,720 Speaker 1: and Vanity Set, Sales and distribution by iHeartMedia. Our voice 624 00:37:11,719 --> 00:37:14,680 Speaker 1: actor is Alana Rabor and our credit song I Will 625 00:37:14,719 --> 00:37:17,880 Speaker 1: Follow You is Bye to Loose. Show notes and resources 626 00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:20,960 Speaker 1: can be found on our website Dearlana dot com. If 627 00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:23,840 Speaker 1: you enjoyed this episode, please take time to follow the show, 628 00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:26,960 Speaker 1: rate and review various. 629 00:37:26,680 --> 00:37:39,080 Speaker 13: In notion suit Monton So High, Keep Me Away Away 630 00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:40,040 Speaker 13: from Long. 631 00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:55,600 Speaker 1: Dear Alana is an eight part series released weekly. If 632 00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:58,960 Speaker 1: you can't wait until next week, subscribe to Tenderfoot Plus 633 00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:01,480 Speaker 1: so you can binge the entire higher series right now. 634 00:38:01,760 --> 00:38:05,239 Speaker 1: Add free head to Apple Podcasts or tenorfoot plus dot 635 00:38:05,280 --> 00:38:06,600 Speaker 1: com to subscribe now.