1 00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:08,920 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcasts, a weekly 2 00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:13,720 Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small 3 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:16,920 Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:21,160 Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Hard and Bradford, 5 00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:26,200 Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information, 6 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:30,560 Speaker 1: visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. 7 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:33,479 Speaker 1: And while I hope you love listening to and learning 8 00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:36,120 Speaker 1: from the podcast, it is not meant to be a 9 00:00:36,159 --> 00:00:45,320 Speaker 1: substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, 10 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,520 Speaker 1: thanks so much for joining me for session eighty six 11 00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:52,839 Speaker 1: of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast this holiday season, 12 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:56,280 Speaker 1: I want you to give yourself the gift of boundaries. 13 00:00:57,120 --> 00:01:00,480 Speaker 1: For today's episode, we're digging a little deep her into 14 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:04,840 Speaker 1: the importance of boundaries and how they protect us. For 15 00:01:04,959 --> 00:01:09,920 Speaker 1: this conversation, I was joined by Kim Knight. Kim is 16 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:13,399 Speaker 1: a licensed mental health counselor with a private practice in 17 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:17,440 Speaker 1: Long Island, New York. Kim works as a therapist and coach, 18 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:21,840 Speaker 1: primarily with professional women who are successful in their professional 19 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:26,800 Speaker 1: lives and careers, but struggling in their relationships. The work 20 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:30,440 Speaker 1: that she does is often around empowering women to recognize 21 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:34,600 Speaker 1: blind spots and false beliefs that interfere with their ability 22 00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:39,760 Speaker 1: to create and experience healthy relationships. Kim and I chatted 23 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:43,480 Speaker 1: about why it's so important to set boundaries, how to 24 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:47,840 Speaker 1: get beyond the idea that boundary setting means hurting someone's feelings, 25 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:52,320 Speaker 1: how to teach boundaries to kids, and how setting boundaries 26 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:56,760 Speaker 1: can result in more fulfilling relationships. If you hear something 27 00:01:56,800 --> 00:02:00,240 Speaker 1: that really resonates with you while listening, please be sure 28 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,560 Speaker 1: to share it with us on social media using the 29 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:08,480 Speaker 1: hashtag tb G in session. Here's our conversation. Thank you 30 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:10,960 Speaker 1: so much for joining us today, Kim, Thank you so 31 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:13,119 Speaker 1: much for having me. I'm really excited to be here. 32 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:15,560 Speaker 1: You know, I am super excited to have you. This 33 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:18,320 Speaker 1: has been a long time in the making UM, and 34 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:21,080 Speaker 1: we are gonna talk about and continue to talk about 35 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:23,760 Speaker 1: one of my favorite topics, which is boundaries. I don't 36 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:25,800 Speaker 1: think you can ever have too much of them, and 37 00:02:25,919 --> 00:02:29,360 Speaker 1: so I wanted to hear from you Kim, though, why 38 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,680 Speaker 1: do you think it's really important for us to actually 39 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:35,840 Speaker 1: set boundaries when we talk about self care and UM 40 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:39,960 Speaker 1: acts of self love. I believe boundaries falls right in 41 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:44,320 Speaker 1: there in that topic, and I think it's important because 42 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:48,239 Speaker 1: it really has the ability when you have healthy boundaries 43 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:51,760 Speaker 1: with people and with situations, it really gives you an 44 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:56,000 Speaker 1: opportunity to create healthy relationships in your life that are 45 00:02:56,040 --> 00:03:00,120 Speaker 1: more fulfilling. You can become happier as a person in 46 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:03,720 Speaker 1: your life when you have healthy boundaries, because without them, 47 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:06,520 Speaker 1: that's when one might start to feel as if they're 48 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:11,120 Speaker 1: constantly being taken advantage of, or they're unhappy in their relationships, 49 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:15,840 Speaker 1: they're feeling misunderstood, um, they become resentful. So you know, 50 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:19,840 Speaker 1: it can be the ticket to having a happier life 51 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:23,840 Speaker 1: and having better relationships when you set healthy boundaries. It's 52 00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:26,480 Speaker 1: so important. I think that you shared that, Kim, because 53 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:28,560 Speaker 1: I was having a conversation I think with somebody like 54 00:03:28,639 --> 00:03:31,480 Speaker 1: in the Thrive tribe recently and she posed a question 55 00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:35,120 Speaker 1: and immediately what rang out to me was that this 56 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,800 Speaker 1: is a lack of boundaries, right Like, anytime you're feeling 57 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:40,760 Speaker 1: like super resentful of a friend or you know, just 58 00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:43,040 Speaker 1: kind of things are escalating in that way, that to 59 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,440 Speaker 1: me is a clear sign that somewhere along the line, 60 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:48,279 Speaker 1: there have been boundaries that have not been said, Yeah, absolutely. 61 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:51,360 Speaker 1: And the good thing about boundaries though, is that is 62 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:54,160 Speaker 1: the one thing that you can learn how to control. Right, 63 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:57,720 Speaker 1: So there are you know, the people in our lives, 64 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:00,200 Speaker 1: what they say, what they do, and how they act. 65 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:04,000 Speaker 1: We don't necessarily have control over that. But the boundaries 66 00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:06,800 Speaker 1: that we place in our lives when it comes to 67 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:11,559 Speaker 1: our relationships, that we have total control over. So initially 68 00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:14,880 Speaker 1: we may have trained people to treat us a certain 69 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:18,159 Speaker 1: kind of way based on how we react or act 70 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:21,240 Speaker 1: in the relationship. But once you become aware of that 71 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:24,240 Speaker 1: boundaries is something that's been lacking, you now have an 72 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:27,960 Speaker 1: opportunity to reset some things and create a relationship that 73 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:31,279 Speaker 1: was more beneficial for you as well. So what does 74 00:04:31,279 --> 00:04:33,560 Speaker 1: this actually look like in practice, Kim? Because I think 75 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,599 Speaker 1: a lot of times we talk about like boundary setting, 76 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:38,520 Speaker 1: but we don't necessarily always give like real life examples 77 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:40,919 Speaker 1: of like how you can do this thing. So what 78 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,680 Speaker 1: are some examples of like ways to set boundaries in 79 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:47,640 Speaker 1: your relationship? I think one way is being really clear 80 00:04:48,279 --> 00:04:52,160 Speaker 1: on what you're willing to accept and not accept in 81 00:04:52,279 --> 00:04:58,359 Speaker 1: relationships and being able to communicate that and not necessarily 82 00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:01,760 Speaker 1: in you know, say ing it directly like okay, so 83 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,840 Speaker 1: here's the new relationship, and here's exactly what accept and 84 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:08,760 Speaker 1: not accept. But certainly when you start to become more 85 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:13,360 Speaker 1: aware and recognize when a boundary is being crossed or pushed, 86 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:18,960 Speaker 1: that you have the ability to say no in some instances, 87 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:22,560 Speaker 1: to push back a little bit, be a little more assertive, 88 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:26,960 Speaker 1: learning how to express your thoughts and feelings in those 89 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:31,000 Speaker 1: moments without those feelings of guilt or those feelings of fear. 90 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:34,120 Speaker 1: So I think a lot of it is in how 91 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:38,520 Speaker 1: we behave, and sometimes the things in which we say 92 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:41,480 Speaker 1: and how we say them as well. You know, sometimes 93 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:44,960 Speaker 1: we have to set really hard boundaries with people who 94 00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:49,840 Speaker 1: constantly intrude upon our space or have no sense of 95 00:05:50,279 --> 00:05:53,120 Speaker 1: you know, what it is to respect boundaries, and then 96 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:55,360 Speaker 1: sometimes we have to set so boundaries. So it really 97 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:58,520 Speaker 1: depends on the situation and the person. But I think 98 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:01,240 Speaker 1: in terms of action and what we do, it has 99 00:06:01,279 --> 00:06:03,880 Speaker 1: a lot to do with what we say and how 100 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:06,919 Speaker 1: we behave that can send the message that there's a 101 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,839 Speaker 1: boundary in place. So you mentioned something about soft and 102 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:11,839 Speaker 1: hard boundaries. Can you say more about like what the 103 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:15,600 Speaker 1: difference in those are? Okay, So, sometimes you know there 104 00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:21,040 Speaker 1: are individuals that really don't get messages clear or um 105 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:24,839 Speaker 1: read signals that indicate that they might be crossing a boundary. 106 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:28,080 Speaker 1: So in those instances you have to be really firm 107 00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:31,680 Speaker 1: with it, meaning a no means a no, and there's 108 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:36,719 Speaker 1: no wavering on it. And sometimes, you know, in relationships 109 00:06:36,839 --> 00:06:40,359 Speaker 1: where there may be abuse or there may be a 110 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:45,080 Speaker 1: constant instances of disrespect, sometimes you have to end a 111 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:48,440 Speaker 1: relationship because of it, and that too is a boundary 112 00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:51,840 Speaker 1: that's very hard and direct. Those are a couple of 113 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,680 Speaker 1: examples of a hard boundary, and then a soft boundary 114 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:58,960 Speaker 1: might be really just shifting the relationship a little bit 115 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:02,400 Speaker 1: where a person and may always expect you to say 116 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:06,720 Speaker 1: yes or always may anticipate based on you know, the 117 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:10,120 Speaker 1: way the relationship has been historically, expect you to act 118 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:13,640 Speaker 1: a certain kind of way, and you might have opportunities 119 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,480 Speaker 1: where you just change your behaviors a little bit and 120 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:20,400 Speaker 1: start to send signals or messages that don't expect me 121 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:23,080 Speaker 1: to say yes all the time. There may be instances 122 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:25,560 Speaker 1: in which I may have to say no or I 123 00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:28,240 Speaker 1: might have to push back, and that basically it's just 124 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:31,960 Speaker 1: not business as usual. So there are ways in which 125 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:35,200 Speaker 1: you can send different types of messages and different types 126 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,840 Speaker 1: of boundaries, and sometimes they may be harder, sometimes they 127 00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:41,160 Speaker 1: may be saw very good information, Kim, and so I 128 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,120 Speaker 1: think a lot of times what comes up when we're 129 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:47,640 Speaker 1: having these conversations about boundaries, um, people will often say like, oh, 130 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,120 Speaker 1: I don't want to hurt somebody's feelings or I don't 131 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:52,560 Speaker 1: want them to be upset with me. What would you 132 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:56,720 Speaker 1: say in response to that? That is an understandable feeling, 133 00:07:56,960 --> 00:08:00,120 Speaker 1: especially if you are one who tends to like to 134 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:04,880 Speaker 1: please people, bend over backwards for others, you always give 135 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:08,960 Speaker 1: of yourself or you're not used to putting yourself first. UM. So, 136 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:12,080 Speaker 1: I would say, when those feelings come up, know that 137 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:15,040 Speaker 1: they're normal based on you know, how you've been in 138 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:19,000 Speaker 1: the past. But that really is also an opportunity to 139 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:24,320 Speaker 1: remind yourself that you know, boundaries are really an act 140 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:27,800 Speaker 1: of self love. You know, they're really the actions that 141 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:31,400 Speaker 1: you take that demonstrate self care and that you know, 142 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:36,400 Speaker 1: sometimes when we don't set good boundaries, were also not 143 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:41,480 Speaker 1: holding people accountable or making them responsible for their own behaviors. 144 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:44,280 Speaker 1: And I think that that sometimes does a disservice to 145 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:47,160 Speaker 1: the other person. So you know, it's really gonna be 146 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:49,560 Speaker 1: a matter of perspective and how you choose to look 147 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,280 Speaker 1: at it for yourself. But in the end, it truly 148 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:56,280 Speaker 1: is not an selfish act. It's not a mean act. 149 00:08:56,679 --> 00:08:59,840 Speaker 1: In fact, it's quite the opposite. Is truly a loving 150 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:03,960 Speaker 1: act and a loving act of kindness towards yourself. Yeah, 151 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,120 Speaker 1: I think that's so important, and I think when you 152 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:08,560 Speaker 1: look at it that way, it does help to shift 153 00:09:08,559 --> 00:09:11,199 Speaker 1: the perspective right, because it really is more about you 154 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:14,200 Speaker 1: and taking care of yourself as opposed to about being 155 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:17,000 Speaker 1: mean to this other person. That's correct, And you know, 156 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:22,160 Speaker 1: in the end, those who really value the relationship will 157 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,760 Speaker 1: fall in line with the boundaries. They'll start to respect 158 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:27,960 Speaker 1: the boundaries because you can retrain people on how to 159 00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:31,840 Speaker 1: treat you and how to be in a relationship with you. 160 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:35,200 Speaker 1: And the ones who choose not to respect the boundaries, 161 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:38,360 Speaker 1: you know, you have the question and ask yourself, is 162 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:42,880 Speaker 1: this relationship really worth it to me that I'm willing 163 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:46,559 Speaker 1: to be in a situation where I'm constantly being taken 164 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:50,160 Speaker 1: advantage of or I'm constantly feeling like I'm being abused. 165 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:53,520 Speaker 1: Sometimes it boils down to you asking yourself some really 166 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:57,120 Speaker 1: tough questions about the quality and the value of the relationship. 167 00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,679 Speaker 1: So do you think there's ever a point where we 168 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:02,880 Speaker 1: have gotten too far in terms of like not setting 169 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,160 Speaker 1: a boundary where there's no way to recover from it. 170 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:08,720 Speaker 1: I do not believe that it's ever too late to 171 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:12,520 Speaker 1: change the dynamics in a relationship. You know, it's just 172 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:16,360 Speaker 1: about the person making the decision and being ready to 173 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:20,400 Speaker 1: do so, and then starting that process working through the 174 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:22,800 Speaker 1: emotions that go along with it, because it can be 175 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:27,160 Speaker 1: a very emotional experience when you decide in certain relationships 176 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,840 Speaker 1: to set some boundaries. You know, those feelings of guilt, 177 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:32,839 Speaker 1: the feelings of feeling bad because you don't want to 178 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:36,560 Speaker 1: hurt the person's feelings, being nervous or scared that the 179 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:40,240 Speaker 1: relationship may end because of it. So those are all 180 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:43,920 Speaker 1: normal feelings that you're gonna have. But even in spite 181 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,800 Speaker 1: of that, it doesn't mean that you don't engage in 182 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:50,160 Speaker 1: that self care act of setting boundaries, and it doesn't 183 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,200 Speaker 1: mean that it's too late to do so at any 184 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:54,880 Speaker 1: point in time. And sometimes you know, when you have 185 00:10:55,440 --> 00:11:00,240 Speaker 1: consistent or persistent relationships where it's clear that bound trees 186 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:03,200 Speaker 1: are not there, then that might be a good time 187 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:06,800 Speaker 1: to seek the support of a professional who can really 188 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:10,439 Speaker 1: help you work through those feelings that come up and 189 00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:14,040 Speaker 1: help you strategize and figure out what are the things 190 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:17,480 Speaker 1: that you can do behaviorally at their behaviors that you 191 00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:20,160 Speaker 1: have to change, as well as dealing with the emotions. 192 00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:22,640 Speaker 1: So it's not uncommon to seek the help of a 193 00:11:22,679 --> 00:11:25,800 Speaker 1: therapist or a counselor who can help you work through it. 194 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:29,600 Speaker 1: As you start to create more boundaries in your life, 195 00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:31,480 Speaker 1: So can you talk a little bit about what that 196 00:11:31,559 --> 00:11:33,880 Speaker 1: might look like him, Like, let's say a client came 197 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:35,920 Speaker 1: to you and say, you know, I started down this path. 198 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,560 Speaker 1: I'm really trying to you set firm re boundaries in 199 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:40,520 Speaker 1: my life, but it's still been very difficult. I feel 200 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:43,439 Speaker 1: really guilty, really anxious, Like what kinds of things might 201 00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:46,320 Speaker 1: you do with them to help along with that process? Well, 202 00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:51,559 Speaker 1: I constantly reinforce the message that being engaged in your 203 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:55,800 Speaker 1: self care is really important because it really boils down 204 00:11:55,840 --> 00:12:00,079 Speaker 1: to how you feel about yourself, what you feel you 205 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:03,640 Speaker 1: you deserve, what you believe you deserve. But there is 206 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:06,520 Speaker 1: other work to do when it comes to self worth 207 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,560 Speaker 1: and feeling is if you are enough. You know a 208 00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:12,920 Speaker 1: lot of times those are the underlying beliefs that some 209 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:16,040 Speaker 1: clients have that get in the way of their ability 210 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:19,600 Speaker 1: to set boundaries. But sometimes when we do that work 211 00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:23,440 Speaker 1: first and really start to lay the groundwork and helping 212 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:27,320 Speaker 1: to empower clients and helping them to recognize what they 213 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:31,760 Speaker 1: do deserve and really start to believe that, then you 214 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:35,719 Speaker 1: can set the stage for them to start giving examples 215 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:40,600 Speaker 1: or doing more behaviors that assert their willingness and their 216 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,440 Speaker 1: need to set boundaries in their lives. So I think 217 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:46,080 Speaker 1: that brings up a great point him in terms of 218 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:49,800 Speaker 1: like some of those underlying messages around why it's difficult 219 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,920 Speaker 1: for us to set boundaries anyway, like the feeling of 220 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,920 Speaker 1: not good enough, or like I don't deserve to you 221 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:57,240 Speaker 1: have a boundary setter, I'm afraid of losing these relationships. 222 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:00,240 Speaker 1: Where do you think that comes from? Like how early 223 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:03,320 Speaker 1: are we getting messages about boundaries and like what kinds 224 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,960 Speaker 1: of things maybe can we be doing, even as parents 225 00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:09,760 Speaker 1: to help our children do better with boundary setting. Oh, 226 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:15,240 Speaker 1: so many messages come through our childhood experiences, what we've 227 00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:20,480 Speaker 1: seen in our relationships with our parents or the relationships 228 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:24,520 Speaker 1: that our parents had with each other. Those messages are 229 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:28,559 Speaker 1: ingrained in us as well as what we've experienced ourselves 230 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,640 Speaker 1: in our own lives. You know, all of those play 231 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:35,400 Speaker 1: a role in who we become as adults. And unless 232 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:38,560 Speaker 1: we start to explore that and look at that and 233 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:41,640 Speaker 1: decide whether or not that works for us or not, 234 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,200 Speaker 1: and once we make the decision that it no longer 235 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:47,640 Speaker 1: works for us, then that's a great opportunity to start 236 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:50,240 Speaker 1: doing the work to make some changes, because some of 237 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:53,400 Speaker 1: it is generational. I mean, you've heard the term generational 238 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:56,360 Speaker 1: patterns and things that have been passed on through the 239 00:13:56,480 --> 00:14:00,160 Speaker 1: years in our families, and you know, some of the 240 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:03,680 Speaker 1: relationships that we've seen and experience just haven't been healthy. 241 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:08,800 Speaker 1: And it often isn't intentional, it's just kind of what 242 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:12,400 Speaker 1: it's been for the for many, many years. And once 243 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:14,320 Speaker 1: you get to a space where you realize, you know, 244 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:16,880 Speaker 1: what this may have been, what it's been in the past, 245 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:20,440 Speaker 1: but this no longer works for me, you really do, 246 00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:23,440 Speaker 1: then at that point have that opportunity to make changes. 247 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:27,120 Speaker 1: And the work isn't always easy. The work isn't always pretty, 248 00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:29,560 Speaker 1: because sometimes when you start really getting to the root 249 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:32,960 Speaker 1: of things and you start really peeling away the layers 250 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,600 Speaker 1: and recognizing some of these you know, deep rooted beliefs 251 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:39,560 Speaker 1: and where they come from can be challenging to work 252 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,880 Speaker 1: through that, but once you do, it can be such 253 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:45,120 Speaker 1: a game changer because then you have more control over 254 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:47,320 Speaker 1: your life. You feel like you have more of a 255 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,760 Speaker 1: say in your relationships. The quality of your life is 256 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:55,920 Speaker 1: often determined by the quality of your relationships, and if 257 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:59,400 Speaker 1: you start to create quality and healthy relationships in your life, 258 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:02,880 Speaker 1: chances are you're setting yourself up to the experienced life 259 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:06,000 Speaker 1: in a really positive and happy way. Thanks for that, Kim, 260 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:08,040 Speaker 1: I mean, I know, I've seen a lot um and 261 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:11,040 Speaker 1: it seems like this is more recent in terms of, like, 262 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:13,800 Speaker 1: you know how sometimes we will say tell our little 263 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:16,280 Speaker 1: kids like, oh, go give grandma hug or you know, 264 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:17,880 Speaker 1: and the kid will kind of be like, no, I 265 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:20,520 Speaker 1: don't want to really hug grandma. But but giving them 266 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:24,280 Speaker 1: kind of autonomy over whether they want to actually embrace 267 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:26,280 Speaker 1: other people, because that does teach them that I have 268 00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:30,000 Speaker 1: control over my body. Something like that is an early 269 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:33,400 Speaker 1: boundary setting. That's absolutely correct. So yes, so as parents 270 00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:37,720 Speaker 1: and and working with children, it is important to start early. 271 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:40,520 Speaker 1: And setting boundaries doesn't have to be done in a 272 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,640 Speaker 1: disrespectful way. It doesn't have to be done in the 273 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,440 Speaker 1: mean way. It doesn't have to be done in a 274 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,520 Speaker 1: way that it puts people on the defense. Although you 275 00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:52,960 Speaker 1: can't control how others will react. But there are ways 276 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:56,160 Speaker 1: to be assertive and not be aggressive, you know. And 277 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:59,240 Speaker 1: I think that sometimes those two things get kind of 278 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:02,520 Speaker 1: mixed up where people think that being assertive and setting 279 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:05,200 Speaker 1: boundaries means that you have to be mean and aggressive 280 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,880 Speaker 1: about it, and that's not it at all. So even 281 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:12,920 Speaker 1: without children, we can teach them how to set boundaries 282 00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:17,600 Speaker 1: for themselves, to create safe space around them and feel 283 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:21,080 Speaker 1: good about telling people know or feeling good about being 284 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:25,520 Speaker 1: resistant in situations where they feel uncomfortable, because, like we said, 285 00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:29,160 Speaker 1: it starts from so early on in the messages that 286 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:33,720 Speaker 1: we send and the messages that we've received as children. Yeah, 287 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:36,080 Speaker 1: even this weekend, I think it was there was a 288 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:39,000 Speaker 1: Twitter user by the name of Aaron Brooke who shared 289 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,400 Speaker 1: a threat about like how her mom taught her about 290 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:44,680 Speaker 1: boundary setting really early in terms of like she was 291 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:47,280 Speaker 1: going to a sleepover I think for the first time, 292 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:50,480 Speaker 1: and mom told her, you know, if at any point, 293 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,280 Speaker 1: no matter what time of night it is, you feel 294 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:54,240 Speaker 1: uncomfortable and you want me to come and get you. 295 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:56,000 Speaker 1: I will come and get you. You just ask the 296 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:57,640 Speaker 1: parents to use the phone and I will come and 297 00:16:57,680 --> 00:17:00,360 Speaker 1: get you. And she shared, like all these years later 298 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,160 Speaker 1: with that told her about like her mom being there 299 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:05,280 Speaker 1: for her and that it was always okay for her 300 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:09,640 Speaker 1: to choose herself first, no matter if other people were inconvenient. Oh, 301 00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:13,440 Speaker 1: such an important message. And you can start sending those 302 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:17,040 Speaker 1: types of messages from when they're in very very young 303 00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:20,040 Speaker 1: and um, they can take it with them throughout their 304 00:17:20,119 --> 00:17:23,760 Speaker 1: growth and development and then as adults they learned how 305 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:28,240 Speaker 1: to be in relationships with healthy boundaries. Yeah. I mean, 306 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,399 Speaker 1: I just thought that was so powerful because it's something 307 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:34,040 Speaker 1: you know, like pretty mundane, right, like you wouldn't necessarily 308 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:36,159 Speaker 1: think about it. But as she talked more and shared 309 00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,480 Speaker 1: in her Twitter and I'll link it in the show 310 00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:40,560 Speaker 1: notes for people who maybe didn't see it, but she 311 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:43,080 Speaker 1: shared about how, you know, like the mom of the 312 00:17:43,119 --> 00:17:47,280 Speaker 1: house they were at would like apologize to her mom like, oh, 313 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:49,439 Speaker 1: I'm so sorry this happening the kind of thing, and 314 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,359 Speaker 1: her mom was saying, you know, don't apologize for this, 315 00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:54,199 Speaker 1: Like I want her to know it's okay that she 316 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:57,560 Speaker 1: can always get out of a situation that makes her uncomfortable. 317 00:17:57,720 --> 00:17:59,879 Speaker 1: And I think as women, a lot of times we 318 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,480 Speaker 1: do that to ourselves and each other. Just I think 319 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:05,280 Speaker 1: in terms of our socialization of like not wanting to 320 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,639 Speaker 1: be inconvenient, or we don't want to upset somebody, or 321 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:09,520 Speaker 1: we don't want to take up too much space. And 322 00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:12,160 Speaker 1: what does that do to like our own self care 323 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,960 Speaker 1: in putting ourselves kind of in our needs behind those 324 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:18,479 Speaker 1: of others, Like you said, to make people comfortable and 325 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:22,600 Speaker 1: to not inconvenience people, those are kinds of things that 326 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:25,640 Speaker 1: we're taught from very very early on, especially as women, right, 327 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:31,040 Speaker 1: and then that manifest into something different or something unhealthy 328 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:34,400 Speaker 1: and how we may be showing up in our relationships. So, Kim, 329 00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:37,120 Speaker 1: what would you suggest for somebody who may be listening 330 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,200 Speaker 1: and they're thinking, like, oh, do I have an issue 331 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,119 Speaker 1: with boundaries? Like is this something that I need to 332 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:43,600 Speaker 1: work on? Like what kinds of things or what kind 333 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,800 Speaker 1: of like start or inventory? Maybe could they do to 334 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:48,800 Speaker 1: to kind of figure out whether this is an issue 335 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:51,399 Speaker 1: they need to work on? Well, I would say, look 336 00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:55,800 Speaker 1: at your relationships and look at how those relationships are 337 00:18:55,880 --> 00:19:00,119 Speaker 1: making you feel okay. So, for example, you may have 338 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:04,480 Speaker 1: friends who when the phone rings and you see their 339 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:11,359 Speaker 1: name on the screen, you feel like like you feel 340 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:15,159 Speaker 1: you feel drained already, right, So I mean that's just 341 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:19,120 Speaker 1: one example, but you know, I would say, really pay 342 00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:22,879 Speaker 1: close attention to how some of the relationship that you 343 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:26,960 Speaker 1: have make you feel. And if you feel drained around 344 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:31,400 Speaker 1: these people, or if these relationships make you feel, you know, negatively, 345 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:34,640 Speaker 1: those are red flags. Those are signs. Those are good 346 00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:39,160 Speaker 1: indicators that you know, maybe these relationships aren't serving me 347 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:41,480 Speaker 1: in a real positive way and I need to look 348 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:45,360 Speaker 1: a little closer. And are there instances where you know 349 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:49,240 Speaker 1: you want to say no, but you say yes anyway? 350 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,199 Speaker 1: Are there people in your life that you're starting to 351 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:56,679 Speaker 1: feel resentful towards? You know? Those are really good indicators 352 00:19:56,720 --> 00:20:00,280 Speaker 1: that you may have some boundary issues. Um are you 353 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:03,760 Speaker 1: constantly feeling like you're taking an advantage of like people 354 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:07,800 Speaker 1: don't understand your people don't um hear you. Do you 355 00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:11,119 Speaker 1: feel like people constantly just walk all over you? Do 356 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:13,800 Speaker 1: you refer you to yourself as a doormat or people 357 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:17,280 Speaker 1: please sir? Those are good signs that you might need 358 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:19,879 Speaker 1: to take a closer look at some of these relationships 359 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,560 Speaker 1: and are they truly healthy ones for you and they 360 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,919 Speaker 1: serving you as well as serving the other person. You know, 361 00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:29,399 Speaker 1: do you have a lot of one sided relationships? You know? 362 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,399 Speaker 1: Those are good signs that that can help give you 363 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:36,280 Speaker 1: insight into the quality of your relationships and if it 364 00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:39,440 Speaker 1: needs to be more boundary setting in them. So those 365 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,119 Speaker 1: are just a few things that I could think of. 366 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,520 Speaker 1: That's so great him. I think that is like a 367 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:45,720 Speaker 1: perfect kind of like what kinds of reactions are you 368 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,560 Speaker 1: having to the people in your life? You know? Like 369 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:50,679 Speaker 1: I think sometimes we just are on autopilot, like continuing 370 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:54,040 Speaker 1: with friendships and relationships because you know, we just kind 371 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,560 Speaker 1: of are. But if you actually can spend some time 372 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,600 Speaker 1: thinking about like how do I really feel about how 373 00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:00,760 Speaker 1: this person makes me feel? You know, do I really 374 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:02,840 Speaker 1: enjoy this relationship? I think it could give us some 375 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:06,160 Speaker 1: good information that's correct and you know, and it's it's 376 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:10,720 Speaker 1: a good starting point. And then remember that setting boundaries 377 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,560 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that the relationship has to end. It just 378 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,840 Speaker 1: really means that it needs to change. And one thing 379 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,200 Speaker 1: that I will say that I think is really important 380 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:22,800 Speaker 1: for people to remember is that when they start that 381 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:28,240 Speaker 1: process of really being active or engaged in setting boundaries 382 00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:33,280 Speaker 1: with people to remember that people do not like boundaries, 383 00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:39,719 Speaker 1: so you have to anticipate and expect some form of 384 00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:43,439 Speaker 1: resistance to it. And what does resistance look like. You know, 385 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:46,720 Speaker 1: it can look like them trying even harder to push 386 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:49,920 Speaker 1: the boundaries Across the boundaries. It can look like them 387 00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:54,119 Speaker 1: getting upset with you, trying to guilt you into um 388 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,800 Speaker 1: being the way you used to be with them. So 389 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:59,880 Speaker 1: you have to be mindful and watchful of those types 390 00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,560 Speaker 1: of things, because you know, people don't like boundaries, and 391 00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:05,639 Speaker 1: it doesn't make them bad people. It just means, you know, 392 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:09,720 Speaker 1: human nature is that if the relationship was working for 393 00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:13,080 Speaker 1: them and now it's no longer working, they're gonna want 394 00:22:13,119 --> 00:22:15,000 Speaker 1: to try their best to get it back to the 395 00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:17,720 Speaker 1: way that it worked for them. So that's when you 396 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:21,520 Speaker 1: really have to be clear on the boundaries you're setting 397 00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:25,520 Speaker 1: and stand firm in them, because people are going to 398 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:29,200 Speaker 1: push up against them, especially in the beginning when it's 399 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:32,080 Speaker 1: new to them. You know, they're they're looking at you like, mmm, 400 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:34,960 Speaker 1: well this is new. You know you never told me 401 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,480 Speaker 1: no before, and oh my goodness, you know I don't 402 00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:39,399 Speaker 1: like this. You know, this is what they can be 403 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:43,159 Speaker 1: saying subconsciously to themselves and and they're going to behave 404 00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:48,320 Speaker 1: in manners that may, you know, really demonstrate resistance towards 405 00:22:48,359 --> 00:22:50,960 Speaker 1: your boundaries. So I encourage people when you make that 406 00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:53,639 Speaker 1: decision to set them to stand firm in them, and 407 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:57,679 Speaker 1: then eventually those who value the relationship will fall in 408 00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,960 Speaker 1: line and start to respect your new bound and those 409 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:05,160 Speaker 1: that don't, you know, maybe that relationship wasn't as valuable 410 00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:07,359 Speaker 1: as you thought that it was. So that's one of 411 00:23:07,359 --> 00:23:09,920 Speaker 1: the things that I always prepare clients for when they're 412 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:13,800 Speaker 1: starting to set boundaries that don't expect people to agree 413 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:16,359 Speaker 1: with them or fall in line with them right away. 414 00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:19,680 Speaker 1: That just means that you have to stand firm in 415 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:23,080 Speaker 1: them and not allow that resistance to move you. That 416 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,800 Speaker 1: is such a great reminded him. And I'm always telling people, 417 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:28,439 Speaker 1: you know, like the work is not really in setting 418 00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:31,040 Speaker 1: the boundary, it's maintaining the boundary a lot of times, 419 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:34,159 Speaker 1: and for those exact reasons that you just outlined that 420 00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,720 Speaker 1: people will, you know, try to cross the boundary to 421 00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:38,440 Speaker 1: get it to work back in their favorite in the 422 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:42,480 Speaker 1: ways that they were used to. Absolutely, do you think, Kim, 423 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:47,440 Speaker 1: there is something or things such as being too boundaries, Yes, 424 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:53,480 Speaker 1: that if you don't allow people in, I think then 425 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:58,480 Speaker 1: you are. Yes, you might be avoiding pain or avoiding 426 00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:02,280 Speaker 1: people taking advantage of view or avoiding you know, having 427 00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:05,600 Speaker 1: to feel resentful, but then you're still also avoiding an 428 00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:10,000 Speaker 1: opportunity to have healthy relationships. So there is a balance, 429 00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:13,040 Speaker 1: and you really have to find your own balance that 430 00:24:13,119 --> 00:24:16,000 Speaker 1: works for you, because I think it is an individual choice. 431 00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:20,480 Speaker 1: But there is a sweet spot I feel for boundaries 432 00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:25,120 Speaker 1: where you can create relationships that allow people in just 433 00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:29,639 Speaker 1: enough for it to be healthy for you, satisfying and fulfilling. 434 00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:32,080 Speaker 1: And you know, that's, like I said, for you to 435 00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:34,560 Speaker 1: determine what that balance is. But it is something to 436 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:37,000 Speaker 1: be mindful of because you don't want to set such 437 00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:41,720 Speaker 1: hard boundaries that people you know can't even connect with 438 00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:45,760 Speaker 1: you or have an intimate relationship with you or true friendship. 439 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:49,960 Speaker 1: So those are things to definitely be mindful of. Great information, Yeah, 440 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,639 Speaker 1: I mean, because the boundary can keep things that you 441 00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:55,640 Speaker 1: don't want out, but it also can keep any good 442 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,320 Speaker 1: things from coming in if it's like too strong that 443 00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:02,479 Speaker 1: you have if you're too boundaries you mentioned yea cool, 444 00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:05,600 Speaker 1: So what are some of your favorite resources, Kim? I 445 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:07,600 Speaker 1: know you do a lot of this work with your clients. 446 00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:09,840 Speaker 1: What are some of the books and podcasts and things 447 00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:13,760 Speaker 1: that you kind of find yourself recommending over and over again. Okay, well, 448 00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:19,439 Speaker 1: of course there's your podcast. I recommend that all the time, 449 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:22,600 Speaker 1: all day long to clients. So that's one. Um there 450 00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:27,600 Speaker 1: is a great book specifically on boundaries. It's entitled Boundaries 451 00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:31,120 Speaker 1: by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. I think 452 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:33,960 Speaker 1: that that is a really good place to start as 453 00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:37,199 Speaker 1: well when you're starting to look at what areas in 454 00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:39,479 Speaker 1: my life do I need to set more boundaries and 455 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:41,800 Speaker 1: how can I go about doing it? It gives really 456 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:46,639 Speaker 1: good examples of instances where you know boundaries are an issue, 457 00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:50,920 Speaker 1: and also how to go about starting to shift those 458 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:55,560 Speaker 1: relationships in ways that are more mutually beneficial. Um So, 459 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:58,720 Speaker 1: I think that's also a great resource as well. There 460 00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:02,679 Speaker 1: are tons of articles and things that I always google 461 00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:06,280 Speaker 1: to look up you know, what people are saying about boundaries. 462 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:09,439 Speaker 1: And you know, when I work with clients, it really 463 00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:15,760 Speaker 1: is about giving them permission to start changing their behaviors 464 00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:19,400 Speaker 1: and their relationships and um you know, that's a lot 465 00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:21,640 Speaker 1: of the work that I do with clients, and it's 466 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:24,400 Speaker 1: really about being present with them and helping them work 467 00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:28,920 Speaker 1: through the emotions that go along with setting boundaries. So yes, 468 00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:32,000 Speaker 1: so those are two things that I often recommend. Is 469 00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:37,040 Speaker 1: the podcast, your podcast specifically, and then the book boundaries. Okay, 470 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:39,600 Speaker 1: and I know that you also have a great book 471 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:43,000 Speaker 1: which I think is like super relatable and like great 472 00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:47,960 Speaker 1: information for couples. Um. So your book is called Relationship Recipes. Yes, 473 00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:50,119 Speaker 1: can you tell us a little bit more about it. 474 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:54,000 Speaker 1: I wanted to create, um something for couples to be 475 00:26:54,119 --> 00:26:58,239 Speaker 1: able to use that's practical, that's easy, and in some 476 00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:02,800 Speaker 1: ways fun. So basically I created a book around different 477 00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:05,679 Speaker 1: areas of a relationship that you can work on, but 478 00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:09,159 Speaker 1: I did it in a recipe format, So each recipe 479 00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:13,760 Speaker 1: is a topic like I have communication, cast, role, forgiveness, fondue, 480 00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:17,760 Speaker 1: and each of the chapters is a recipe, but it's 481 00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:19,800 Speaker 1: set up in a recipe format, so you have your 482 00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:23,200 Speaker 1: ingredients for the recipe, which is just a little snapshot 483 00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:26,000 Speaker 1: and bullet points of things that you need to do 484 00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:30,760 Speaker 1: in those areas to make those areas more beneficial and healthy. 485 00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:36,639 Speaker 1: And then there's the actual preparation of the recipe with 486 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:40,359 Speaker 1: I go into detail about what you can do to 487 00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:44,560 Speaker 1: create better communication, what you can do around forgiveness and 488 00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:48,600 Speaker 1: forgiving your spouse. And there's about twelve or thirteen chapters 489 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:51,800 Speaker 1: on different areas and relationships, and at the end of 490 00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:54,199 Speaker 1: each chapter there is a workbooks. At the end of 491 00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:57,080 Speaker 1: each chapter there exercises that you can do that can 492 00:27:57,160 --> 00:28:00,119 Speaker 1: help you really be engaged in the process, and you 493 00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:03,960 Speaker 1: and your partner can work together on the exercises to 494 00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:07,639 Speaker 1: help you improve and have healthy relationships in your life. 495 00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:12,040 Speaker 1: So that is one thing that I also recommend for couples, 496 00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:15,840 Speaker 1: because relationships, you know, it's not just about intimate relationships, right, 497 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:19,360 Speaker 1: So boundaries need to be in place with sometimes our 498 00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:24,879 Speaker 1: family members sometimes, our parents, our siblings, our friendships, sometimes 499 00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:29,960 Speaker 1: with our coworkers, our colleagues, our boss sometimes. So you know, 500 00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:33,840 Speaker 1: there's there's plenty of opportunity to see where boundaries need 501 00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:36,680 Speaker 1: to be set and start to put them in place. Um, 502 00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:39,760 Speaker 1: but my book is for couples specifically. And then I 503 00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:43,000 Speaker 1: have my podcast which is also on titled Relationship Recipes. 504 00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:46,040 Speaker 1: It is on iTunes, and that also is a place 505 00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:50,400 Speaker 1: where we talk about relationships in all areas of our lives, 506 00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:54,800 Speaker 1: so not just intimate relationships or familial relationships, but also 507 00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:58,640 Speaker 1: you know, your relationship with food, your relationship with money, 508 00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:02,800 Speaker 1: your relationship with God. I mean, we are in relationships 509 00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:06,200 Speaker 1: all the time, so you know, sometimes when you can 510 00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:09,880 Speaker 1: look at how you're relating in the relationship, because really 511 00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:13,240 Speaker 1: you're the only one that can control how you are 512 00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:17,360 Speaker 1: in our relationships. And once you're able to explore that 513 00:29:18,400 --> 00:29:20,840 Speaker 1: and become more way of certain things that you do 514 00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:24,240 Speaker 1: and what you believe, then you're able to change relationships 515 00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:27,600 Speaker 1: in all areas of your life. So, um those are 516 00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:31,160 Speaker 1: two of the resources that I've created for UM listeners 517 00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:35,160 Speaker 1: and for clients to use to help them create better 518 00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:38,240 Speaker 1: relationships perfect and of course all of that will be 519 00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:40,800 Speaker 1: in the show notes. Um So, can you also tell us, 520 00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:43,360 Speaker 1: Kim where we can find you? So you practice in 521 00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:45,360 Speaker 1: New York? Um So, can you give us like the 522 00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:48,360 Speaker 1: website for your practice as well as any social media 523 00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:52,240 Speaker 1: handles you want to share? Sure? Absolutely, So. There is 524 00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:57,200 Speaker 1: the relationship Recipes page that is on Facebook, and there's also, 525 00:29:57,480 --> 00:30:00,360 Speaker 1: like I said the podcast, there's um oppor to need 526 00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:04,239 Speaker 1: there to engage and leave reviews and give feedback and 527 00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:08,360 Speaker 1: things of that sort. My website is k Night, that's 528 00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:13,040 Speaker 1: k K and I g h T Counseling dot com. 529 00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:15,320 Speaker 1: I'm located in Long Island, New York, so I see 530 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:18,640 Speaker 1: clients there, but I also do coaching, and primarily I 531 00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:22,960 Speaker 1: work with professional women who are basically slaying in their 532 00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:27,160 Speaker 1: careers but failing in their relationships. I do a lot 533 00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:31,160 Speaker 1: of work with those types of clients because they tend to, 534 00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:35,040 Speaker 1: you know, have really successful careers. They're doing well, they're 535 00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:38,800 Speaker 1: very confident in that area and and really thriving, but 536 00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:41,720 Speaker 1: then when it comes to their own personal relationships, whether 537 00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:45,880 Speaker 1: it be intimate relationships or friendships, they seem to struggle. So, 538 00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:49,080 Speaker 1: you know, I think that's an interesting way in which 539 00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:52,840 Speaker 1: you can be so successful in one area and unsuccessful 540 00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:55,200 Speaker 1: in another, and being able to figure out what's going 541 00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:58,040 Speaker 1: on with clients that and so fulfilling for me. And 542 00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:00,520 Speaker 1: so there's also a lot of boundary work there that 543 00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:04,680 Speaker 1: I end up having to do and recognizing unhealthy relationships 544 00:31:04,720 --> 00:31:07,640 Speaker 1: and trying to create better ones. So the website is 545 00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:10,640 Speaker 1: the way to reach me, and then online through the 546 00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:14,200 Speaker 1: relationship recipes page, they can reach me there as well. 547 00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:17,520 Speaker 1: Perfect Well, thank you so much for sharing this information 548 00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:20,680 Speaker 1: with us today, Kim, I really appreciate it. Well, thank 549 00:31:20,720 --> 00:31:23,000 Speaker 1: you so much for having me, Dr Joy, and I 550 00:31:23,040 --> 00:31:25,680 Speaker 1: hope that your listeners were able to walk away feeling 551 00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:30,040 Speaker 1: a little better about their ability to create healthy relationships 552 00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:32,800 Speaker 1: in their lives. Oh, I am sure they will. Hm. 553 00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:36,160 Speaker 1: I'm so thankful Kim was able to share her expertise 554 00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:39,840 Speaker 1: with us today. To learn more about her and her practice, 555 00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:43,120 Speaker 1: visit the show notes at Therapy for Black Girls dot 556 00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:47,240 Speaker 1: Com slash Session eighty six, and please make sure to 557 00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:50,160 Speaker 1: share your takeaways from the episode with us in your 558 00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:53,560 Speaker 1: I G stories or on Twitter. Be sure to use 559 00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:57,040 Speaker 1: the hashtag tv G in session so that we can 560 00:31:57,080 --> 00:32:00,600 Speaker 1: find them and share them. If you're looking for a 561 00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:04,160 Speaker 1: therapist in your area, be sure to visit the therapist 562 00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:08,480 Speaker 1: directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory. 563 00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:13,200 Speaker 1: If you're interested in practicing more effective ways to set boundaries, 564 00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:17,040 Speaker 1: join us over in the Yellow Couch Collective at Therapy 565 00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:21,160 Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot com slash y c C. And 566 00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:24,320 Speaker 1: if you want to continue this conversation and chat with 567 00:32:24,400 --> 00:32:27,640 Speaker 1: other sisters who listened to the podcast, join us over 568 00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:30,760 Speaker 1: in the Thrive Tribe at Therapy for Black Girls dot 569 00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:34,920 Speaker 1: com slash tribe. Make sure you answer the three questions 570 00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:38,760 Speaker 1: that are asked to gain entry. Thank y'all so much 571 00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:41,440 Speaker 1: for joining me again this week, and I look forward 572 00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:44,560 Speaker 1: to continue in this conversation with you all real soon. 573 00:32:45,120 --> 00:33:13,440 Speaker 1: Take you care, Actor all, Actor par actor