Speaker 1: Before this relationship. Try to remember a time when you
Speaker 1: were really happy, when you were feeling really fulfill What
Speaker 1: were you doing at that time, what were you thinking about,
Speaker 1: what were you reading about, what were you feeling? The
Speaker 1: best selling author and closed the number one health and
Speaker 1: wellness podcast. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the
Speaker 1: number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each
Speaker 1: and every single one of you that come back every
Speaker 1: week to listen, learn and grow. Thank you so much
Speaker 1: to all of you that are investing so deeply in
Speaker 1: your mental, physical, financial, emotional, and spiritual health by joining
Speaker 1: in and tuning in to our conversations here on Purpose.
Speaker 1: I'm so excited because we're going to be adding a
Speaker 1: really special offering onto the back of my solo episodes
Speaker 1: on Fridays. The Daily Jay is a daily series on
Speaker 1: calm and it's meant to inspire you while outlining tools
Speaker 1: and techniques to live a more mindful, stress relife. We
Speaker 1: dive into a range of topics and the best part
Speaker 1: is each episode is only seven minutes long, so you
Speaker 1: can incorporate it into your schedule no matter how busy
Speaker 1: you are. As a dedicated part of the On Purposed community,
Speaker 1: I wanted to do something special for you this year,
Speaker 1: so I'll be playing a handpicked Daily Jay during each
Speaker 1: of my Friday podcasts. This week, we're talking about your
Speaker 1: relationships and how to create the most meaningful connections with
Speaker 1: the people that matter to you. Of course, if you
Speaker 1: want to listen to the Daily Jay every day, you
Speaker 1: can go subscribe to Calm. So go to Calm dot
Speaker 1: com forward slash Ja for forty percent off your membership.
Speaker 1: Today and today, we have guests who've been on before.
Speaker 1: There's only a few of them that have been on
Speaker 1: the show twice and these are some of my favorites.
Speaker 1: Today's guests are none other than doctor John and Julie Gottman.
Speaker 1: The Gotments are the nation's leading marriage researchers and educators.
Speaker 1: John and Julie Gotman are the renowned experts on marital
Speaker 1: ability says The Atlantic, the Einstein of Love says Psychology Today,
Speaker 1: and the Dean of Marriage Experts says The New York Times. Today,
Speaker 1: we're talking about their new book, Seven Days to More Intimacy,
Speaker 1: Connection and Joy, The Love Prescription. This is the book.
Speaker 1: We're going to put the book link in the captions
Speaker 1: and comments so you can go and grab your copy,
Speaker 1: John and Julie. It's so wonderful to see you. Thank
Speaker 1: you for making the time, thank you for giving me
Speaker 1: this opportunity to sit down with you again. I'm really excited. Jay.
Speaker 1: You know you should know that it's always an honor
Speaker 1: to be on your show and to be connected with
Speaker 1: your gifts. So thank you so much for the opportunity. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I agree, Well, thank you both so much. I want
Speaker 1: to dive in because whenever I see one of your
Speaker 1: studies published, or a journal or a new book come,
Speaker 1: I get very excited because you truly have just studied
Speaker 1: so many interesting, fascinating parts of relationships. And I guess
Speaker 1: the first question I want to dive into straight away
Speaker 1: is when you're dating someone, what quality do you value
Speaker 1: or what quality should we be looking for when we
Speaker 1: first start that process, Because I feel like one of
Speaker 1: the most challenging things right now is we all have
Speaker 1: different things we're attracted to because of how we were raised,
Speaker 1: what movies we saw, what perceptions we have about what
Speaker 1: is attractive, what is male, what is female? Is beyond gender?
Speaker 1: Right like, we all have certain perceptions and misconceptions. What
Speaker 1: are some of the values and qualities we should be
Speaker 1: looking for when we're dating someone or when we're even
Speaker 1: looking for someone. So I think the very first thing
Speaker 1: you should look for is kindness, and not only kindness
Speaker 1: towards you, but kindness towards the people, for example, who
Speaker 1: bring you your food, who bring you your drinks, who
Speaker 1: bring you your car, the people that are all around you.
Speaker 1: Supported that date that you're having with this new person,
Speaker 1: do they treat everyone with kindness? That's a marker of
Speaker 1: that person being respectful towards others and not being to classist,
Speaker 1: not being racist, but being somebody who treats people with
Speaker 1: care and respect. So kindness is one. I think another
Speaker 1: is reliability. So does your dating partner actually show up
Speaker 1: when they say they're going to show up? That's very important.
Speaker 1: Or are they always late and then they're making an
Speaker 1: excuse for being late, maybe they don't even apologize. That's
Speaker 1: not a good sign. So reliability they are who they
Speaker 1: say they are, they'll be where they say they'll be,
Speaker 1: is very important too. One of the things that really
Speaker 1: impressed me about my son in law was that my
Speaker 1: daughter completely herself with him. So it's a little bit
Speaker 1: different than what quality did he have, but it was
Speaker 1: that she was really herself. There was no part of
Speaker 1: her that was being stifled. She had a boyfriend who
Speaker 1: didn't want her to sing, and she's a natural singer.
Speaker 1: She's a jazz singer. And my son in law I
Speaker 1: just loved her singing, loved her being silly, loved her
Speaker 1: being tired and crabby. She was completely herself, and I
Speaker 1: think it's an important thing if you can be completely
Speaker 1: yourself and feel accepted by this person. Those are both
Speaker 1: SuDS great answers, and John I loved that thought, the
Speaker 1: idea that it's not a quality that someone else has,
Speaker 1: it's that they allow you to be all of your
Speaker 1: qualities and they don't dampen or hamper any of those.
Speaker 1: I think one thing you touched on that which really
Speaker 1: got me curious and intrigued is I think more and
Speaker 1: more or today people have been in relationships where they
Speaker 1: feel stifled, or they feel controlled, or they feel manipulated,
Speaker 1: or they feel like their light had to be dampened.
Speaker 1: I think I speak to a lot of people. I'm
Speaker 1: sure you've spoken to you know, God knows how many
Speaker 1: people over the years that have felt that way. Why
Speaker 1: is it do you think that it takes us so
Speaker 1: long to notice that. Sometimes sometimes we've become so intoxicated
Speaker 1: and enamored by another person that until we actually leave
Speaker 1: or we get the courage to break up. When it happens,
Speaker 1: we think, oh, my gosh, I just realized they've been
Speaker 1: manipulated for three years. I just realized I was controlled
Speaker 1: for three years. But we accept it, we tolerated. Why
Speaker 1: do we allow that to happen to ourselves? And why
Speaker 1: do we also follow up questions to that, why do
Speaker 1: we allow it to happen to our friends and family
Speaker 1: members and people around us when we can see it,
Speaker 1: but we're scared of telling them. First of all, nobody
Speaker 1: grows up without catching some baggage along the way. That
Speaker 1: baggage leaves us feeling insecure, feeling badly about certain qualities
Speaker 1: that we may have. And so when we first start dating,
Speaker 1: we try to be the best version of ourselves that
Speaker 1: we can be. That's number one. Number two is that
Speaker 1: as we get to know this other person a little bit,
Speaker 1: what happens is that we start to psych out who
Speaker 1: do they want us to be? Do they want us
Speaker 1: to accentuate our being athletic but downplay are being intellectual?
Speaker 1: What fits who? They are, and we try to mold
Speaker 1: ourselves into this jigsaw puzzle piece that isn't being true
Speaker 1: to ourselves. And a lot of us have the experience
Speaker 1: as children of doing exactly the same thing. We realize
Speaker 1: that perhaps our father really didn't like it when we
Speaker 1: out maneuvered him in a political debate, so we tamp
Speaker 1: it down, or our mother didn't like it when we
Speaker 1: dressed like an athlete instead of like a very feminine stereotype.
Speaker 1: So who are we? As little kids? We figure out
Speaker 1: you only get approval for fitting somebody else's notion of
Speaker 1: who you should be. Then if we don't work through that,
Speaker 1: we don't process that, and we don't acknowledge that who
Speaker 1: we are is absolutely perfect in every way, even though
Speaker 1: we have our strengths and we have our challenges. We
Speaker 1: go into a dating situation where again we're trying to
Speaker 1: mold ourselves. It's that same process of trying to figure
Speaker 1: out what's wanted of us and molding ourselves to that. Also, Jay,
Speaker 1: you know, we live in a very critical culture. At jobs,
Speaker 1: we are rated on a totem pole, where do we
Speaker 1: fit high or low on the totem pole? Same thing
Speaker 1: in classrooms, our own individual passions may not be honored.
Speaker 1: It's only how well do we memorize the capitals of states? Right,
Speaker 1: So we're always having to mold ourselves to fit somebody
Speaker 1: else's standards, and we have to work through the fact
Speaker 1: that all those others out there had very distorted mirrors
Speaker 1: of who we were and what was beautiful about each
Speaker 1: one of us. What we have to do is create
Speaker 1: our own mirror that yes, of course it will see
Speaker 1: the cracks, it will see the flaws, it will see
Speaker 1: the weaknesses or challenges that we need to continue to
Speaker 1: work on. Like mine is impatience and one of the
Speaker 1: most impatient people I know, so I always have to
Speaker 1: work on that. Always, you know, five steps ahead of
Speaker 1: where somebody needs to be. So I have to work
Speaker 1: on that. But at the same time, I can understand
Speaker 1: that a lot of things that I am that may
Speaker 1: have threatened my parents are things that are actually strengths
Speaker 1: that are beautiful about who I am. Each one of
Speaker 1: your audience and everyone else has strengths, they have challenges.
Speaker 1: The work is to see your strengths without the distortions
Speaker 1: of everyone else's mirrors of you. That's a beautiful response,
Speaker 1: and you're so right that so many of the things
Speaker 1: that distort us, gifts or gaps that we received from
Speaker 1: our parents, where we you know, functioning differently based on
Speaker 1: how we were loved and how we were shown love.
Speaker 1: And what's really interesting about that journey? And I'm focusing
Speaker 1: on that feeling stifled and restricted because I think it's
Speaker 1: just such a big theme and such an important thing
Speaker 1: that you raised. When someone comes out of that, when
Speaker 1: someone finally breaks through a relationship where they were feeling stifled,
Speaker 1: where they were feeling controlled, they can feel extremely lost
Speaker 1: in who they are, and they can become confused about
Speaker 1: their identity and about their value. And often people will say, well,
Speaker 1: I just doubt myself now because I was doubted or
Speaker 1: I have lost my self esteem. What are some of
Speaker 1: the building blocks you think, and what is the importance
Speaker 1: of self awareness and self esteem? I mean, Julie, you
Speaker 1: just said it right now. You said, Hey, I know
Speaker 1: that I'm impatient and that's something I'm always working on,
Speaker 1: which means you have self awareness and you can still
Speaker 1: a positive self esteem because you know it's something you're
Speaker 1: building on or working on. What role do a self
Speaker 1: esteem and self awareness have in healthy relationships? And how
Speaker 1: does one redevelop them after a painful experience. I love
Speaker 1: that question, Jay, because you know, every single day I
Speaker 1: see clients who are in exactly the kind of pain
Speaker 1: you're describing, where they've come out of a painful, painful
Speaker 1: relationship where they were treated badly, disrespectfully, they've been devalued,
Speaker 1: or they've felt invisible, unimportant, and they are lost because
Speaker 1: they've tried so hard to mold themselves into a paper
Speaker 1: doll that they've lost track of who the real person
Speaker 1: is behind the mask that they've displayed. So the building
Speaker 1: block of change is, first of all, seek people and
Speaker 1: more connection with those people that you actually really trust,
Speaker 1: who care about you, who see the beauty in your heart,
Speaker 1: in your soul, and talking to them about your experience,
Speaker 1: asking them what was their perception of what was going
Speaker 1: on in the relationship. Does it make sense to them
Speaker 1: that they were being controlled or being manipulated? Can they
Speaker 1: help you with their own objective eyes understand what process
Speaker 1: you were involved in. Now, that may be a friend,
Speaker 1: that may be a sibling or a relative. It may
Speaker 1: be a therapist or a healer, but somebody that you
Speaker 1: can trust who reflects. First of all, more accurately what
Speaker 1: was going on for you and who you really are.
Speaker 1: Then what you need to do is follow your own passions.
Speaker 1: At first, it's really difficult to figure that out. What
Speaker 1: are my passions? I don't know anymore? So you go
Speaker 1: back to before this relationship. Try to remember a time
Speaker 1: when you were really happy and you were feeling really fulfilled.
Speaker 1: What were you doing at that time, what were you
Speaker 1: thinking about, what were you reading about, what were you feeling.
Speaker 1: So I have a client, for example, who was really
Speaker 1: controlled and manipulated by her partner, and then her partner
Speaker 1: betrayed her and left her. So now she's very lost
Speaker 1: trying to figure out who she is. So we listed
Speaker 1: a whole list of potential passions and had her close
Speaker 1: her eyes and reflect on, Okay, each one of those,
Speaker 1: how do they resonate with you? How do they resonate?
Speaker 1: And she generated this very short list of things she
Speaker 1: loved about herself and she loved doing. There was sailing,
Speaker 1: There was learning about music and playing guitar. There was
Speaker 1: going swimming with her children. Swimming in particular was something
Speaker 1: that she really really loved to do. So seek out
Speaker 1: that passion, pull the thread, see what's at the end
Speaker 1: of it, and then expand that passion into something that
Speaker 1: becomes a regular part of your life. And not only that,
Speaker 1: but most passions include the participation of other people. So
Speaker 1: if you connect with other people that share that passion
Speaker 1: with you, you then begin to feel like, ah, this
Speaker 1: part of myself that i've shut down that I'm now
Speaker 1: recapturing is something other people loved too. Hooray, And you
Speaker 1: go out to live those parts of you that you
Speaker 1: split off but now you're reconnecting with. That's a brilliant answer.
Speaker 1: You've given us so many practical things that we can
Speaker 1: do there when we're in that position, and they all
Speaker 1: feel really tough and difficult in the moment, for sure,
Speaker 1: but they're tried and tested, They work, they make sense,
Speaker 1: they align. And you know, anyone who's listening or watching
Speaker 1: right now who's been in that scenario recognizing what Julie
Speaker 1: was saying, like, there was a you before this relationship,
Speaker 1: and there will be you after this relationship, and the
Speaker 1: you that got lost during the relationship is the one
Speaker 1: you're trying to reawaken, rediscover and give an opportunity to rise.
Speaker 1: For So, I think that recognition that you may have
Speaker 1: lost connection with who you are, but you are not
Speaker 1: lost to you are nonexistent, which a lot of people
Speaker 1: can actually end up feeling if we move forward into
Speaker 1: we started with and then we went backwards into breakups
Speaker 1: and now I'm kind of going back into dating again.
Speaker 1: But I think one of the biggest challenges today is
Speaker 1: the paradox of choice. Right today, there is more choice,
Speaker 1: there are more options, There is a quicker ability to
Speaker 1: say yes or no to someone on a dating app.
Speaker 1: You're not meeting people within a one mile radius or
Speaker 1: five mile radius of where you grew up. You're meeting
Speaker 1: people online through a picture. You don't know their family,
Speaker 1: you don't know what school they went to, you don't
Speaker 1: know many of their friends. So the way we meet
Speaker 1: people today has drastically shifted in the last ten to
Speaker 1: twenty years alone, what to speak of over time. And
Speaker 1: on top of that, there's this feeling that people have
Speaker 1: of like, well, if I'm not with someone who's perfect,
Speaker 1: well then I can just drop them and find someone
Speaker 1: else because there's so many people out there. So tell
Speaker 1: me about what you've noticed with the paradox of choice
Speaker 1: and what can we do in our dating life to
Speaker 1: actually learn quicker and foster whether someone's right for us
Speaker 1: or not, and what does that really mean. Let me
Speaker 1: say something about what modern research has found in selecting somebody,
Speaker 1: and it turns out that really nobody has been able
Speaker 1: to find anything to measure that determines whether you'll like somebody.
Speaker 1: So you can ask people even what are they looking
Speaker 1: for in a partner and to list all the qualities,
Speaker 1: and then you can select for those qualities, and that
Speaker 1: person is unlikely to even like that person. So I
Speaker 1: you know, my answer to that is to find somebody
Speaker 1: you can trust. And trust is very different for everybody,
Speaker 1: but it's somebody you feel safe with, Somebody really makes
Speaker 1: you feel accepted as you are. And our best index
Speaker 1: trust is to pick somebody who is able to think
Speaker 1: for two not just for themselves, but can think about
Speaker 1: what benefits both partners, and that person winds up being
Speaker 1: very trustworthy. When we talk about choices of dating, part
Speaker 1: of the problem is that everybody is on the Internet
Speaker 1: trying to find a match. But because basically the Internet
Speaker 1: is black and white text, it gives people only a
Speaker 1: tiny little sliver, one dimension of who somebody is. You know,
Speaker 1: that's always a problem in my head because people will
Speaker 1: describe themselves in a way that doesn't include how they smell,
Speaker 1: what they really look like, what their history is, who
Speaker 1: they really are. So you're not going to find the
Speaker 1: perfect partner. What John was saying about somebody that you
Speaker 1: can trust. In my world, what that means is somebody
Speaker 1: who makes you feel good about yourself. So one of
Speaker 1: the questions you need to ask is how do you
Speaker 1: feel about yourself when you're actually face to face with
Speaker 1: this person. So, you know, fine, go out and look
Speaker 1: on the internet, see who appeals to you through the internet,
Speaker 1: but try to meet up with them, have coffee, you know,
Speaker 1: for thirty minutes, taught to them. See how many questions
Speaker 1: they ask you, and how do they respond to your answers.
Speaker 1: Do they just change the subject? Are they looking over
Speaker 1: your shoulder at somebody cute who's sitting at the back
Speaker 1: of the room. How are they responding or are they
Speaker 1: really focused on you and making you feel like that
Speaker 1: person seems to really get what I'm saying. They're understanding there,
Speaker 1: responding not by interrupting me and talking over me, but
Speaker 1: by really wanting to even hear more, and gee, I
Speaker 1: want to hear more about them? How self disclosing, aren't
Speaker 1: they Are they self disclosing appropriately, not oversharing every personal detail,
Speaker 1: but letting me know the basics of who they are
Speaker 1: so that I can respond to them and slowly get
Speaker 1: to know them. So, you know, I'm afraid all of
Speaker 1: we Internet users, when we limit ourselves to looking for
Speaker 1: somebody on the internet, we're really making a mistake. We've
Speaker 1: got to meet up with people face to face, see
Speaker 1: how we feel being with them and how they feel
Speaker 1: being with us. Yeah. I think one of the greatest
Speaker 1: notes that I liked out of that from both of
Speaker 1: you was I think trust is one of these things
Speaker 1: that just takes forever to build. And you know, you
Speaker 1: hear about people who they've been with someone for twenty
Speaker 1: five years and they feel they trusted each other, and
Speaker 1: then the person after twenty five years goes, I don't
Speaker 1: love you anymore, and then you know you're dealing with that.
Speaker 1: And so the thing that really resonated with me was
Speaker 1: the idea of safety, like do you feel safe when
Speaker 1: you're with someone? I think that's a very current, immediate
Speaker 1: way of building trust because trust is this big thing
Speaker 1: takes a lot of time, a lot of building blocks,
Speaker 1: so many other things, But do I feel safe with
Speaker 1: this person is something you can ask yourself right now,
Speaker 1: and you can know whether you feel safer around someone emotionally,
Speaker 1: whether you feel safer around someone physically, or whether you
Speaker 1: feel fearful, or whether you feel unsafe, or whether you
Speaker 1: feel threatened, or whether you feel intimidated. And I think
Speaker 1: that's a really great question that people can ask themselves
Speaker 1: in the moment, in a day. And of course the
Speaker 1: insight of getting as quick as possible to meeting someone
Speaker 1: in person is the only way that you can really
Speaker 1: start making better decisions in dating and dealing better with
Speaker 1: choice and knowing that the research shows that there is
Speaker 1: no perfect thing to look for and perfect partner. I mean,
Speaker 1: that's very freeing. I'm hoping people hear that and go, oh,
Speaker 1: I get it, Like, there isn't just the perfect thing
Speaker 1: to look for, and there isn't a perfect formula and
Speaker 1: there isn't a perfect recipe, which means I'm going to
Speaker 1: work with a lot of ingredients that don't make sense,
Speaker 1: and there are going to be things that are contradictory,
Speaker 1: and there are going to be things that don't perfectly align.
Speaker 1: And that's okay. That's what the research shows, right, So
Speaker 1: I think that's a healthy way of approaching. I think
Speaker 1: the challenge I've seen is we're so focused on finding
Speaker 1: the perfect person that we don't create a process of
Speaker 1: creating something meaningful with the person. We're weird, and so
Speaker 1: we keep finding perfect, chasing perfect, chasing perfect, pursuing perfection,
Speaker 1: not thinking, oh, I can actually create, make and build
Speaker 1: something pretty good if I direct my energy this way.
Speaker 1: Let's dive into a few of the questions that you
Speaker 1: ask in the book. So we talk about the seven
Speaker 1: days to more Intimacy, Connection, enjoy, and I think one
Speaker 1: of the things you talk about that I love in
Speaker 1: this book is about asking big questions. And the reason
Speaker 1: why I like this idea of when you're in a relationship,
Speaker 1: how do you increase intimacy is that we've been wearing
Speaker 1: how long we've been in a relationship as a badge
Speaker 1: of honor. Right. We look at the amount of time
Speaker 1: someone's been with someone as the success of a relationship,
Speaker 1: and we know that that's not factually true, whether it's
Speaker 1: a job, a relationship, a home. You could live in
Speaker 1: a home for thirty years and hate it every day.
Speaker 1: You could work a job the same day, same job,
Speaker 1: every day in your life for fifty years and hate
Speaker 1: your job. Or you could be with someone for a
Speaker 1: long long time and not really enjoy their company. And
Speaker 1: I think what I've noticed is that the reason that
Speaker 1: happens is we think when we get married to someone,
Speaker 1: or we move in with someone, or we're in a
Speaker 1: committed relationship with someone, you almost have this little voice
Speaker 1: in your head that says you already know them, that
Speaker 1: we wait till we know someone to make commitments, and
Speaker 1: now that we know them, there's almost unconsciously nothing left
Speaker 1: to know, there's nothing left to discover. And so when
Speaker 1: you talk about these incredible ideas that you're sharing in
Speaker 1: this book, the reason why I really like them is
Speaker 1: this idea that you can always learn something new about
Speaker 1: someone that you've known a long time. So someone who's
Speaker 1: old in your life, there's still something always new to
Speaker 1: learn about them. And one of the ways you say
Speaker 1: is by asking a big question. Can you describe what
Speaker 1: a big question is and why it's a great way
Speaker 1: of building intimacy. So a big question is a question
Speaker 1: that has a long answer, It doesn't have a yes
Speaker 1: or no answer. My favorite color is purple in a
Speaker 1: one word answer, It has a much bigger answer, like
Speaker 1: what are you thinking about death and dying these days?
Speaker 1: You know you've just turned eighty five, What are you
Speaker 1: thinking about it? What are you thinking about? Who you
Speaker 1: want our children to be, especially growing up in this
Speaker 1: world where so many things really need to change drastically
Speaker 1: and quickly. Who do you want our child to be?
Speaker 1: So they have big answers to them these questions. One
Speaker 1: of the reasons that these questions are so important to
Speaker 1: keep asking is the following. We are not static. We
Speaker 1: are not like you know the fireplace in your home
Speaker 1: that never changes, that has the same form, the same bricks,
Speaker 1: the same wood. You know it'll burn, Replace it with
Speaker 1: a little more wood. It's not the same fixture. We
Speaker 1: are not a fixed entity. We are constantly evolving. We
Speaker 1: are changing, We are moving forward, and we are being
Speaker 1: impacted by our world to shift our beliefs, our thoughts,
Speaker 1: our feelings about things, our hope or our hopelessness. We're
Speaker 1: changing all the time. So if we don't continue to
Speaker 1: ask those questions, then we may have a picture of
Speaker 1: our partner in our minds that's obsolete, that's ten years old,
Speaker 1: and that person has been replaced by somebody totally different,
Speaker 1: but we won't know it. So the big questions keep
Speaker 1: us connected with this beautiful changing form. We are like
Speaker 1: the c J. The c is never the same, minute
Speaker 1: by minute, hour by hour, day by day. The sea
Speaker 1: is always changing, color, wave forms, smoothness versus turmoil. It's
Speaker 1: always changing. Well, so are human beings inside of us.
Speaker 1: We have a sea that's being influenced by all the
Speaker 1: powers and forces in our world. So how does that
Speaker 1: change us and our partner and how can we stay
Speaker 1: attuned to each other? The big questions are the way
Speaker 1: to do that, to address who are you here and
Speaker 1: now today? How have you changed? That's really special and
Speaker 1: I love the analogy of the sea, and I feel
Speaker 1: like when you are saying that with the ocean, what
Speaker 1: I was thinking is that often a lot of us
Speaker 1: subconsciously are either scared of asking that question, or we
Speaker 1: don't ask that question because we're fearful that someone may
Speaker 1: change in a way we don't like. And that's often
Speaker 1: what makes relationships so difficult, is that two people, two oceans,
Speaker 1: as you beautifully described, are always changing, and then someone
Speaker 1: changes in a way that you don't like anymore, and
Speaker 1: you go, well, I don't like that. And when I
Speaker 1: ask you about it, and now you start telling me
Speaker 1: about this new thing that you're into or whatever it
Speaker 1: may be, I don't vibe with that. Like, that's not
Speaker 1: something I resonate with. How do we continue to build
Speaker 1: loving relationships with people? We've committed to people that we
Speaker 1: feel like it's going somewhere, but then they get into something,
Speaker 1: whether it's like you said, it could be pain that
Speaker 1: changes who they are, or something that brings them joy
Speaker 1: that changes who they are, but we don't quite like it.
Speaker 1: We don't enjoy how it's changed them. How do you
Speaker 1: deal with that? I have a great example of this actoy. Okay,
Speaker 1: so I'm one of those people that looks at a
Speaker 1: piece of bread and games five pounds. That's why I
Speaker 1: can look at a slice of cake and be twice
Speaker 1: the width the next week. So I have to be
Speaker 1: really careful about what I consume, and consuming carbs and
Speaker 1: so on is not necessarily a great choice for me. Okay,
Speaker 1: So what does my precious, beautiful husband get into bread baking?
Speaker 1: This is a new passion that he has and he's
Speaker 1: got he's got, you know, a pizza stone, and he
Speaker 1: got the little like curving baking pan for making multiple baggetts,
Speaker 1: like I could eat three baggetts in one city. So
Speaker 1: you know, he's gotten into a passion and he's baking bread,
Speaker 1: you know, whenever he has spare time. So is that
Speaker 1: my favorite passion for my husband to be baking bread
Speaker 1: that I can look at and you know, expand myself
Speaker 1: in the wrong ways with? Probably not. But the thing
Speaker 1: I have to do is to understand by asking more questions,
Speaker 1: why this? You know, what what is it about this
Speaker 1: particular passion by darling that you really love doing? What
Speaker 1: part of you is this fulfilling other than you know,
Speaker 1: your tummy? What part of this are you loving? You know?
Speaker 1: Help me understand this passion. He's so cute and so
Speaker 1: I want to understand him. This may not be the
Speaker 1: favorite evolution of mine that he's going through, but because
Speaker 1: I love him, because love means accepting everything about your partner,
Speaker 1: even the things that are challenging for you. I want
Speaker 1: to get to know this part of him too, even
Speaker 1: if it's something that you know doesn't fit with man
Speaker 1: who says I'm the center of the universe and everything
Speaker 1: has to revolve around my lives and just lives. I'm not,
Speaker 1: so I want to understand this aspect of him. And
Speaker 1: my mother was trained as a hotel chef and I
Speaker 1: miss her. So one way to remember her is to
Speaker 1: learn to be a baker of Viennese pastry. And that's
Speaker 1: where I'm going. Oh my god, well headed to Viennese pastry. Jay,
Speaker 1: Can I move into your house? I bet you have
Speaker 1: really healthy you. No, and I And thank you John
Speaker 1: for sharing that insight about why you've got into baking.
Speaker 1: I mean that, you know, when you hear it from
Speaker 1: that perspective, you're like, wow, that is wow that you know.
Speaker 1: I can only understand how meaningful baking is. What a
Speaker 1: beautiful you know description to share that, And Julie, I
Speaker 1: thought that was a great example because it's the same
Speaker 1: with me and my wife. Like so, I'm someone who's
Speaker 1: very certain about my passions, my purpose. You know, what
Speaker 1: I'm doing on this planet and what I care about.
Speaker 1: And I've developed that over time. It's not that I
Speaker 1: just stumbled upon it yesterday, and it's always evolving and growing,
Speaker 1: and of course it changes and moves. And my wife
Speaker 1: someone who is very talented and gifted, but she's often
Speaker 1: trying to figure more out and she's more open to
Speaker 1: this fluid version of herself and discovery. She's in a
Speaker 1: space of discovery. And so when you have certainty and discovery,
Speaker 1: it's very important that there's massive flexibility and adapting in
Speaker 1: both people. It's not just me to her or her
Speaker 1: to me, it's both, right, is what I'm hearing you say.
Speaker 1: It's like, she has to be adaptable to the fact
Speaker 1: that she's married to someone who's super certain about what
Speaker 1: they want in life. And I have to be open
Speaker 1: to the fact that I'm with someone who enjoys a
Speaker 1: lot of different things and figuring it out and being
Speaker 1: in discovery mode. And that encourages me, if I see
Speaker 1: it that way, to spend more time in discovery, and
Speaker 1: me being this way encourages her to spend more time
Speaker 1: in certainty or discovering things that are more certain. But
Speaker 1: that requires a lot of flexibility and adaptability and maturity
Speaker 1: to be able to do it in a healthy way.
Speaker 1: And that's hard. It is hard work, right, This is
Speaker 1: not easy to do. It is challenging, It is difficult,
Speaker 1: it can be painful. How do we build that flexibility?
Speaker 1: Because I feel that most people I speak to today
Speaker 1: there's a lot of like, well, this is the way
Speaker 1: I am, and this is what I want, and this
Speaker 1: is not what you're providing me, right, especially when it
Speaker 1: gets to bigger things than what we're talking about. So
Speaker 1: how do we develop that flexibility and adaptability? Because I
Speaker 1: think people have very clear plans or parts of how
Speaker 1: they want their life to go, and your partner changing
Speaker 1: tact or changing track can maybe i'll, you know, derail
Speaker 1: you sometimes, right, you know, I think it goes back
Speaker 1: to John what you were seeing earlier, which was you
Speaker 1: have to think for two, you have to think about,
Speaker 1: you know, if you really love this person, what is
Speaker 1: going to benefit them? And how far can I stretch
Speaker 1: myself outside my own ego, my own way of doing things,
Speaker 1: my own rigid path. How far can I stretch myself
Speaker 1: beyond my own rigidity to adapt to my partner's path?
Speaker 1: And can we talk through the differences between us the
Speaker 1: new path that my partner may be following, and find
Speaker 1: some in between. I'm thinking about an interesting example of
Speaker 1: somebody who was married and had had a fairly kind
Speaker 1: of atheistic set of beliefs and the other person was
Speaker 1: very comfortable with that, and then that person went into
Speaker 1: a very deep spiritual pursuit and started doing kind of
Speaker 1: visionary quests, and those brought him to a very different
Speaker 1: place than they had been in together philosophically in terms
Speaker 1: of more of an atheistic set of beliefs, and poor thing,
Speaker 1: I mean, she had a heck of a time. She
Speaker 1: did not know how to accept this aspect that her
Speaker 1: partner was evolving into, and she felt abandoned by his journey.
Speaker 1: So what was really necessary was to establish that her journey,
Speaker 1: even if it maintained an atheistic framework, was still a value,
Speaker 1: was still important, that he was very happy to continue
Speaker 1: to support that belief system, and that it wasn't an
Speaker 1: abandonment of her to go into a spiritual journey himself.
Speaker 1: It was a pathway leading to a deeper part of himself.
Speaker 1: It wasn't about her, And in fact, what he could
Speaker 1: do is apply his new spiritual perception to understanding who
Speaker 1: she was from a very different place than he had before.
Speaker 1: Understand from a spiritual perspective why she made the choices
Speaker 1: she did who she was, and both could be embraced
Speaker 1: within a sphere of love. There was no abandonment the
Speaker 1: love to grow because each pan gifted the relationship with
Speaker 1: different new but very beautiful ways to still stay connected,
Speaker 1: staying curious about your partner as your partner changes. And
Speaker 1: that's what I'm saying that I think people are scared
Speaker 1: of that curiosity because it may lead to something they
Speaker 1: don't want to discover because it's it can be so
Speaker 1: emotionally destabilizing personally. But I think you're right, Julie. I
Speaker 1: I appreciate that response because the understanding is the only
Speaker 1: thing that's going to help in that moment, like you know,
Speaker 1: and what the thing that stood out the most was
Speaker 1: you said, you know, realizing that it's not a journey
Speaker 1: you have to go on, right, Like it's it's not
Speaker 1: a joint journey. If someone needs to go down this
Speaker 1: journey for themselves, you're going with them on their journey,
Speaker 1: but it doesn't have to become your journey. And I
Speaker 1: think that's often the pressure that couples put on each
Speaker 1: other where it's like, well, if I'm going to do this,
Speaker 1: then you need to do it too. And that's where
Speaker 1: it starts to become unhealthy, where our journey becomes projected
Speaker 1: onto our partners. So in this book you also talk
Speaker 1: about some really practical things around saying thank you more
Speaker 1: to our partners. And you talk about how we always
Speaker 1: notice the bad things or the mistakes they make, and
Speaker 1: we all know that, right, whether it's not having the
Speaker 1: dishes done, whether it's not cleaning up the house, whether
Speaker 1: it's the shoes left at the door, whether it's whatever
Speaker 1: it may be, right in your own home. I'm just
Speaker 1: naming things my wife doesn't like that I do. When
Speaker 1: when you look at those things, there's so many things
Speaker 1: that we point out as mistakes and criticisms and negatives consistently.
Speaker 1: What does the research show around aid the amount of
Speaker 1: positive versus negative communication we have with our partners and
Speaker 1: be how negatively do those critical comments affect a relationship?
Speaker 1: And then I'll come onto the next of all, which
Speaker 1: is all about you know, how do we really say
Speaker 1: thank you in a deep way? But let's let's start
Speaker 1: with that. Well, there's a wonderful study by two women,
Speaker 1: Robinson and Price, And what they did that was so
Speaker 1: interesting was they put observers in a couple's home, one
Speaker 1: person observing the husband, one person observing the wife. These
Speaker 1: were only heterosexual couples and just observing positive things that
Speaker 1: one person did for the other, and they trained the
Speaker 1: husband and wife to do that as well. And what
Speaker 1: they found was that in an unhappy relationship, people miss
Speaker 1: fifty percent of the positive things that their partners doing. So,
Speaker 1: you know, initially people thought, well, what has to happen
Speaker 1: to make a relationship happy is that people need to
Speaker 1: be more positive to one another. But what they found
Speaker 1: was that people were already being positive to one another
Speaker 1: even in an unhappy relationship. It's just that their partner
Speaker 1: wasn't noticing fifty percent of that positivity. So that suggested
Speaker 1: that you need a habit of mind in a relationship
Speaker 1: that's going to work where you notice what your partner
Speaker 1: is contributing to the relationship. Rather than focusing on your
Speaker 1: partner's mistakes or what they're doing wrong, focus on what
Speaker 1: they're doing right, focus on what really is happening that
Speaker 1: is positive in the relationship, and then that changes the relationship.
Speaker 1: That ability to have that different mindset where you're noticing
Speaker 1: what's going right. When you're focused on the negative, it
Speaker 1: turns out it actually affects your own health in a
Speaker 1: very bad way. You wind up being more irritable, being
Speaker 1: you know, more vindictive, and less cooperative, and you wind
Speaker 1: Up Living List is an Israeli study that shows that
Speaker 1: people who respond during traffic to somebody who wants to
Speaker 1: cut into their elane by thinking, you know, that guy's
Speaker 1: not going to get into my elane. I'm not going
Speaker 1: to let that happen. That sort of angry response viewing
Speaker 1: this behavior in a negative way reduces their lifespan. So
Speaker 1: this positive habit of mind really is very powerful increasing
Speaker 1: the amount of positivity in a relationship. Yeah, that's amazing.
Speaker 1: That's study about missing fifty percent. I mean that's a
Speaker 1: big number. That's that that should not be forgotten on
Speaker 1: the toilet, and I guess with that. The second about
Speaker 1: my question was how do you show appreciation effectively in
Speaker 1: a relationship too? Because I think what ends up happening
Speaker 1: is there's so much familiarity, there is so much negativity,
Speaker 1: and most people have kind of walked down the negative
Speaker 1: path and now they're trying to rewire. Right, So you've
Speaker 1: already built up a relationship over a few months or
Speaker 1: years maybe where you've just repeated the negative patterns, and
Speaker 1: now all of a sudden, you listen to this podcast,
Speaker 1: people read your book and they go, oh, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: I need to start being a bit more complimentary and
Speaker 1: noticing it, and now their partners are like, well, this
Speaker 1: just feels artificial. Or sometimes when you start being positive
Speaker 1: towards your partner, they also don't how to receive it
Speaker 1: because they don't think they're worthy of it. So often
Speaker 1: I've found that where you can say thank you to
Speaker 1: someone for something, but they don't know how to receive
Speaker 1: a compliment. They don't know how to really accept that,
Speaker 1: and so you keep saying the compliment day after day
Speaker 1: after day after day, but they never really digest it. So,
Speaker 1: if you're making a switch in your relationship from negative
Speaker 1: to positive, how do you say thank you in a deep,
Speaker 1: meaningful way that it will be received, And how do
Speaker 1: you do it when your partner struggles to receive compliments?
Speaker 1: Like you might say to your partner, hey, you look
Speaker 1: beautiful today or you look great in that, and they
Speaker 1: always pull a funny face or they go, well, no,
Speaker 1: I don't look I look like this or I look
Speaker 1: like that, because they are struggling themselves with that area
Speaker 1: of their life. A compliment doesn't solve that. So, first
Speaker 1: of all, let's discern between compliments and gratitude. Those are
Speaker 1: two different things. So you know, giving somebody compliment is
Speaker 1: seeing something positive about your partner, some quality about your
Speaker 1: partner that you are commenting on and saying, wow, you
Speaker 1: look beautiful. Wow, that was a smart thing you just said. Wow,
Speaker 1: that was hilarious that story you told. Right, So that's
Speaker 1: a little different than saying thank you so much for
Speaker 1: making the coffee, thank you for doing the dishes for me,
Speaker 1: and I was it was my turn and I was
Speaker 1: feeling really tired. So most people are much more able
Speaker 1: to hear thank you. But when you haven't said thank
Speaker 1: you for a really long time, and all of a
Speaker 1: sudden you're saying thank you, it's like, oh, yeah, right
Speaker 1: now you tell me thanks? Yeah, right, sure, sure, what
Speaker 1: do you need? Are you, you know, setting me up
Speaker 1: to manipulate me to get something else, you know. So
Speaker 1: they'll be distrust at first because it doesn't feel real.
Speaker 1: It feels artificial. But the way to make it real
Speaker 1: is don't exaggerate it, you know, in other words, don't
Speaker 1: drop on your knees and say, you know, oh my god,
Speaker 1: this is the best coffee I've ever had. Thank you. So,
Speaker 1: you know, I mean, you've got to make it realistic, right,
Speaker 1: So thanks for making the coffee. You keep it attuned
Speaker 1: to where the person is, what they've actually done, and
Speaker 1: if they've done something that's really meaningful to you, then
Speaker 1: you tell them why it was meaningful to you. So,
Speaker 1: you know, you might say something like, thank you so
Speaker 1: much for doing the dishes when it was my turn,
Speaker 1: but I was just wiped out and tired, because you know,
Speaker 1: here's what it meant to me as a kid. I
Speaker 1: never got off doing my chores. Whether I had a fever,
Speaker 1: whether you know, I hadn't slept all night, it never mattered.
Speaker 1: I always had to do my chores. So the fact
Speaker 1: that you had some compassion for me and you took
Speaker 1: over doing the chore, that means a lot to me.
Speaker 1: So thank you. You see. So when you accompany the
Speaker 1: thank you, especially if it's a bigger one with why
Speaker 1: it has meaning to you, that's going to give it
Speaker 1: more weight, more in fact, and enable the the person
Speaker 1: to hear it in the atmosphere you want it to
Speaker 1: be given. Well, let me say something about that, because
Speaker 1: I think the changing from a negative habit of mind
Speaker 1: where you're really noticing what other people are doing wrong
Speaker 1: and trying to fix them, to not noticing what's going
Speaker 1: right and feeling gratitude about it is a process of
Speaker 1: changing yourself, So don't focus very much on other people
Speaker 1: and how they're receiving it. I know that when I
Speaker 1: was in a very negative place, you know where I was,
Speaker 1: you know, experiencing you know, anger driving, you know, people
Speaker 1: who were driving badly, and you know, I noticed that
Speaker 1: I had that negative mindset in general, and it took
Speaker 1: me a long time to change my own self so
Speaker 1: that I was noticing all the power set of things
Speaker 1: that were happening around me and feeling grateful. So it's
Speaker 1: really focusing on yourself and going, wow, you know this,
Speaker 1: this is really quite a wonderful world in a lot
Speaker 1: of ways. And I've been looking at the glasses being
Speaker 1: half empty when actually it's half full. And it took
Speaker 1: me really two years to change myself from this negative
Speaker 1: habit of mine to a positive one. And then suddenly
Speaker 1: I wasn't walking around being irritable all the time. I
Speaker 1: was walking around saying, wow, you know, life is really
Speaker 1: quite nice. I'm very I'm really a lucky person, and
Speaker 1: you know, all these wonderful things are happening in my life.
Speaker 1: So you know, my advice would be don't focus so
Speaker 1: much on how others are responding. Really focus on yourself
Speaker 1: and realize that you're changing the way you're viewing the
Speaker 1: world and being more grateful for what really is wonderful
Speaker 1: about your life. Yeah, the great thing about that is
Speaker 1: that it has a big, no kind of act on
Speaker 1: your entire life, Like we just you know, it's it's
Speaker 1: like we the fact that you're saying, we miss fifty
Speaker 1: percent of the good things. And then Julie, you're a
Speaker 1: description of how to say thank you based on why
Speaker 1: it's meaningful to you. I think that is such great
Speaker 1: insight for your partner as well. Like you know, you're
Speaker 1: just saying, oh, thanks for washing up, versus thanks for
Speaker 1: washing up because it gave me a little extra time
Speaker 1: to catch up on that thing I was trying to
Speaker 1: finish off for work, or you know, thank you so
Speaker 1: much for cleaning up because I was feeling quite anxious
Speaker 1: today and that's made me feel really calm. Like those
Speaker 1: kind of insights are so much more powerful for your
Speaker 1: partner to not only remember, but to repeat that act
Speaker 1: of kindness and for them to recognize how meaningful it
Speaker 1: is to you. And so I think that's super practical
Speaker 1: and the idea of just shifting our thought management of
Speaker 1: it's it's so easy to sit there and look at
Speaker 1: all the mistakes your partner makes, or anyone makes, but
Speaker 1: to acknowledge that in light of the positive actions they're making,
Speaker 1: that to me is just great thought management, because, as
Speaker 1: you rightly said, our thoughts are just constantly being dragged
Speaker 1: down into the dirt. The dirt. The studies that I've
Speaker 1: seen show we have sixty to eighty thousand thoughts per day,
Speaker 1: and eighty percent of them are negative and eighty percent
Speaker 1: of them are repetitive. And so it's not even like
Speaker 1: you're having a different bad thought about your partner every day.
Speaker 1: You're having the same bad thought about your partner every day, right,
Speaker 1: So it's it's not even like there's any variety in it.
Speaker 1: But we would rarely have the same good thought every day.
Speaker 1: It's easy to get lazy about saying thank you for
Speaker 1: breakfast every day, even though that happens every day. But
Speaker 1: if someone doesn't clean up every day, that easily becomes
Speaker 1: a recurring thought that causes a lot of pain. I
Speaker 1: want to go more macro. We've been focusing on compliments,
Speaker 1: saying thank you these are incredible insights you've given this book.
Speaker 1: I want to go a bit macro as well and
Speaker 1: zoom out and say, how does someone know if a
Speaker 1: relationship is going to lost and that they feel like
Speaker 1: this relationship has a future? How do you know that?
Speaker 1: Is there a way to know that? Yes? There is,
Speaker 1: and really has to do with commitment and what commitment
Speaker 1: really is. And a woman named Carol Rusbault, who did
Speaker 1: this research for thirty years on commitment, showed that the
Speaker 1: important thing is to cherish what you have and magnify
Speaker 1: what you have in life with this partner, and to
Speaker 1: not constantly make comparisons and think that you can do better.
Speaker 1: So when the chips are down and your partner is
Speaker 1: kind of grumpy and irritable, to focus on you know
Speaker 1: what you have with this person. They're positive qualities turns
Speaker 1: out to be very very important. People who magnify the
Speaker 1: negative in their partner and think after an argument or
Speaker 1: after you know, breakfast doesn't go very well or something
Speaker 1: that they can do better. They're always shopping, They're always
Speaker 1: comparing their partner to real or imagined alternatives. Those people
Speaker 1: have relationships that don't last. And what Karl Rustbo showed
Speaker 1: was that in an argument, you know, when they're unhappy
Speaker 1: with their partner, instead of talking to their partner about
Speaker 1: what they're said about, they talk to somebody else about
Speaker 1: how they're being persecuted in that relationship. They don't go
Speaker 1: to their partner and say, you know, hey, baby, you
Speaker 1: know I really miss you know, having adventures with you.
Speaker 1: We used to do that and we haven't done that
Speaker 1: in a long time. They go to some nice person
Speaker 1: at Starbucks and they say, my partner, you know, she's
Speaker 1: so dull that we don't have adventures, you know. And
Speaker 1: so Carol Rusboll showed that commitment is something that is
Speaker 1: inside you that you can control. You can really focus
Speaker 1: on what you have and how lucky you are to
Speaker 1: have this partner in your life, and then the relationship
Speaker 1: is much more likely to last, particularly if both people
Speaker 1: are doing that. On the other side of that is
Speaker 1: how do I know my partner is going to make
Speaker 1: that commitment? How do I know this relationship is going
Speaker 1: to last? And I think there are some indicators of that.
Speaker 1: You know, one is consistency. Is that person consistently showing up?
Speaker 1: Is that person more or less consistently empathetic with me,
Speaker 1: whether I'm happy, sad, defeated, triumphant. You know, how are
Speaker 1: they responding to these different parts of me? Do they
Speaker 1: seem to treasure these different parts of me that as
Speaker 1: I feel safer and safer, I'm showing more and more.
Speaker 1: Are they allowing themselves to trust me? Are they allowing
Speaker 1: me to hold their heart in my hands because they
Speaker 1: trust me that much and to be vulnerable with me?
Speaker 1: Then you know that's telling you that, Wow, you know,
Speaker 1: this person really does seem to get me. They love
Speaker 1: these different parts of me. They can laugh with me about,
Speaker 1: you know, the crazy parts of me without judging me
Speaker 1: so worshly so And does that happen consistent point? Or
Speaker 1: does something happen where all of a sudden your partner
Speaker 1: ghosts you, or you know, they disappear for a couple
Speaker 1: of weeks and then you ask them, hey, where were you?
Speaker 1: What happened? And they say, oh, you know, I just
Speaker 1: I needed you know whatever, I just needed some space.
Speaker 1: How come they didn't tell you they needed some space
Speaker 1: so that you could talk about that a little bit
Speaker 1: and then provilement with that space with knowledge. The other
Speaker 1: big question is how does that person make you feel
Speaker 1: about yourself. It's not only how you feel about the other,
Speaker 1: but how do they make you feel about yourself. If
Speaker 1: they make you feel valued, feel golden, feel funny, make
Speaker 1: you feel treasured even when you're crabby, and they can
Speaker 1: laugh with you, I think it is a big piece
Speaker 1: of it. Then that relationship looks pretty darned good. That's
Speaker 1: those are some good signs. Let me add something to that.
Speaker 1: You know that you know the phrase don't put all
Speaker 1: your eggs in one basket. Well, a marriage is about
Speaker 1: putting all your eggs in that basket. It's really scary
Speaker 1: to do to really trust in this relationship and invest
Speaker 1: everything in it. That's part of what Carol Rossball taught us.
Speaker 1: When you commit to somebody, you're putting all your eggs
Speaker 1: in that basket. You know that person's help, that person's longevity,
Speaker 1: that person is your treasure. And if they know that
Speaker 1: and you feel that about you know them, that they've
Speaker 1: put all their eggs into this basket, then that relationship
Speaker 1: lasts because something very special has happened. You know, your
Speaker 1: partner is saying you are the love of my life.
Speaker 1: You're it. You know I have nothing to offer anybody else.
Speaker 1: I mean, you have my whole heart for my whole life,
Speaker 1: and that's what makes a relationship last. Yeah. Absolutely. And
Speaker 1: one of the things that comes to my mind is
Speaker 1: that idea that things only lost if you want them
Speaker 1: to and if you make them right. It's like it's
Speaker 1: like me staring at a tree that I love in
Speaker 1: my garden and going like will this tree last? And
Speaker 1: it's like, it's only gonna last if it's taking care
Speaker 1: of It's not just gonna last because it's gonna last.
Speaker 1: And so I think sometimes we ask questions that are
Speaker 1: kind of outside of ourselves, like is this relationship gonna last?
Speaker 1: And it's like, well, it's gonna last if you really
Speaker 1: wanted to, if you're willing to put in the work.
Speaker 1: And so often I think we sit there with that
Speaker 1: checklist of like is my partner loving? Are they understanding?
Speaker 1: Are they this? And it's like, well, are we any
Speaker 1: of those things? Right? Like are we bringing that to
Speaker 1: this relationship or we committed to that? Are we consistent
Speaker 1: in creating adventure if that's what we're missing in the relationship,
Speaker 1: if we're missing a sense of intimacy, are we creating
Speaker 1: opportunities for intimacy? Right? Because if we're not doing all
Speaker 1: of that. We can sit there waiting for someone else
Speaker 1: to have a brain wave. But chances are that what's
Speaker 1: happening in today's society is people are so distracted, bored,
Speaker 1: just dull, or have some numbness to themselves because of
Speaker 1: their own pain in their life that if you're having
Speaker 1: the brain wave, if you're having the intuition, chances are
Speaker 1: you're going to have to inject a bit of that
Speaker 1: into a relationship, you know, rather than hope, wish and
Speaker 1: want and wait for the other person and somehow magically
Speaker 1: create something. And so I, yeah, I really resonate with
Speaker 1: what you said, and that was just what was coming
Speaker 1: in my mind. John and Julie, you've been such a
Speaker 1: pleasure to talk to again today. The book for everyone
Speaker 1: who's been listening is called The Love Prescription. Seven Days
Speaker 1: to More Intimacy Connection and Joy, I highly recommend getting
Speaker 1: this book so you can talk discussed breakdown the seven
Speaker 1: We only dabbled with a few of them today that
Speaker 1: I asked John and Julie to expand upon. And of
Speaker 1: course if you haven't read any of their other work,
Speaker 1: I'm a big fan of all the books from the
Speaker 1: Gottman Institute, so please make sure you check those out
Speaker 1: as well. John and Julie. I'm so grateful to have
Speaker 1: spend this time with you. I think we shared some
Speaker 1: really I really enjoyed this discussion today because I feel like,
Speaker 1: with you being such experts and you get at simplifying things,
Speaker 1: we could go off in so many different tangents and directions.
Speaker 1: We spoke about breakups, we spoke about control and manipulation,
Speaker 1: we talked about dating, we talked about questions. I mean,
Speaker 1: you know, we talked about so many different aspects of
Speaker 1: a relationship. And I thank you both so much for
Speaker 1: your time, your space, and your energy and all the
Speaker 1: best on launching this book. I hope it goes really
Speaker 1: really well and grateful to support you as always. Thank
Speaker 1: you so very much. Jay. I love the wisdom and
Speaker 1: the depth of your questions which you always bring to
Speaker 1: your interviews, and we really love receiving that depth and
Speaker 1: real opportunity to explain all thinking. Thank you, Thank you
Speaker 1: both so much. Thank you. I'm excited to share this
Speaker 1: with everyone. At some point in our lives, we all
Speaker 1: feel lonely. It can be one of the most painful
Speaker 1: things to experience of course, the strongest antidote to loneliness
Speaker 1: can be our relationships. But here's the catch, not all
Speaker 1: relationships actually help. The next seven minutes are about your
Speaker 1: connections and identifying the ones that don't actually serve you.
Speaker 1: I'm Jay Chatty. Welcome to the Daily j First, let's
Speaker 1: center ourselves with three deep breaths inhaling, feeling your energy
Speaker 1: rise and exhaling the tension away, expanding and releasing, bringing
Speaker 1: awareness to this moment and settling in. Now for a
Speaker 1: little story, a traveler is wandering alone in the desert.
Speaker 1: He's lost, he's tired, but most of all, he's parched.
Speaker 1: Then suddenly he encounters a mysterious nomad. Hello, stranger. The
Speaker 1: nomad says, you look thirsty. I can offer you two options.
Speaker 1: The first is cold water, on the condition that you
Speaker 1: help me build a sand castle. The second is this bright,
Speaker 1: sparkling elixir, which you can have for free. The traveler
Speaker 1: is dehydrated and exhausted. He wonders why anyone would do
Speaker 1: work when the elixir is free, So he eagerly drinks
Speaker 1: the turquoise liquid, and it's delicious at first, But after
Speaker 1: a while, the traveler realizes he's still thirsty. In fact,
Speaker 1: he's even thirstier than he was before. The nomad says,
Speaker 1: don't worry, I've got plenty and gives the traveler more
Speaker 1: to drink. He keeps drinking, but it only intensifies his thirst.
Speaker 1: Time passes and the traveler remains stuck in the desert,
Speaker 1: still drinking the elixir and wondering why he has no strength. Now,
Speaker 1: I'd like to tell you about a different traveler. He's
Speaker 1: in the same situation, tired, thirsty, lost. He runs into
Speaker 1: the same mysterious nomad and receives the same two options.
Speaker 1: Build a sand castle for cold water, or drink the elixir.
Speaker 1: Construct a sand castle. He ponders, that takes effort. I
Speaker 1: don't know if I have it in me, but he
Speaker 1: feels like something's off with the elixir, while he knows
Speaker 1: that the water is exactly what he needs. So he
Speaker 1: gets to work, and as promised, he's ultimately rewarded with
Speaker 1: ice cold water. Feeling rejuvenated, he has the strength to
Speaker 1: move forward and find his way out of the desert.
Speaker 1: Time passes, and now he's back home, feasting. Loneliness can
Speaker 1: feel like a desert, a waste land that SAPs you
Speaker 1: of your energy, and when you're looking for connection, it
Speaker 1: can be tempting to rest your head on the first
Speaker 1: shoulder that comes along, but you need to carefully assess
Speaker 1: who they are and what you need. Some people may
Speaker 1: be demanding, others selfish or draining. Some relationships may look appealing,
Speaker 1: but you need to evaluate what's truly nourishing. I know
Speaker 1: it can feel like work to forward the foundation of
Speaker 1: a strong new relationship, especially when you're lonely. The idea
Speaker 1: of building something can seem exhausting, but the results are
Speaker 1: worth it. The right relationships are cold water when you're parched.
Speaker 1: They'll provide you with the strength and nourishment to find
Speaker 1: your way out of the desert. Now, let's take a
Speaker 1: moment to meditate and then reflect on your relationships. Start
Speaker 1: by getting comfortable wherever you are, giving your body permission
Speaker 1: to find a position of ease, closing your eyes if
Speaker 1: that helps you settle in or leaving them open. And
Speaker 1: now I'd like you to scan your body to check
Speaker 1: in with how you're feeling. So bring your attention to
Speaker 1: your head, noticing any sensations there, even the sensation of nothing.
Speaker 1: Move your attention to your face, softening the muscles and
Speaker 1: seeing what you find. Now scanning down your neck and back,
Speaker 1: shifting your awareness to your arms all the way down
Speaker 1: to your fingers. Try opening and closing your hands, observe
Speaker 1: how that feels. Scan down through your legs to your feet,
Speaker 1: even your toes, and finally bring your attention to the
Speaker 1: natural rhythm of your breath. Now, let's open this up.
Speaker 1: Think about the relationships that quench your thirst and those
Speaker 1: that don't. Do you find yourself settling in moments of
Speaker 1: weakness going forward? Can you prioritize the relationships that nourish
Speaker 1: you and avoid the pull of those that don't. Hopefully
Speaker 1: the Daily Jay can help you quench your thirst. Please
Speaker 1: share this message with someone who needs to hear it,
Speaker 1: and I'll see you tomorrow.