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Speaker 1: Before this relationship. Try to remember a time when you

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Speaker 1: were really happy, when you were feeling really fulfill What

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Speaker 1: were you doing at that time, what were you thinking about,

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Speaker 1: what were you reading about, what were you feeling? The

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Speaker 1: best selling author and closed the number one health and

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Speaker 1: wellness podcast. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the

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Speaker 1: number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each

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Speaker 1: and every single one of you that come back every

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Speaker 1: week to listen, learn and grow. Thank you so much

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Speaker 1: to all of you that are investing so deeply in

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Speaker 1: your mental, physical, financial, emotional, and spiritual health by joining

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Speaker 1: in and tuning in to our conversations here on Purpose.

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Speaker 1: I'm so excited because we're going to be adding a

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Speaker 1: really special offering onto the back of my solo episodes

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Speaker 1: on Fridays. The Daily Jay is a daily series on

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Speaker 1: calm and it's meant to inspire you while outlining tools

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Speaker 1: and techniques to live a more mindful, stress relife. We

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Speaker 1: dive into a range of topics and the best part

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Speaker 1: is each episode is only seven minutes long, so you

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Speaker 1: can incorporate it into your schedule no matter how busy

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Speaker 1: you are. As a dedicated part of the On Purposed community,

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Speaker 1: I wanted to do something special for you this year,

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Speaker 1: so I'll be playing a handpicked Daily Jay during each

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Speaker 1: of my Friday podcasts. This week, we're talking about your

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Speaker 1: relationships and how to create the most meaningful connections with

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Speaker 1: the people that matter to you. Of course, if you

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Speaker 1: want to listen to the Daily Jay every day, you

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Speaker 1: can go subscribe to Calm. So go to Calm dot

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Speaker 1: com forward slash Ja for forty percent off your membership.

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Speaker 1: Today and today, we have guests who've been on before.

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Speaker 1: There's only a few of them that have been on

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Speaker 1: the show twice and these are some of my favorites.

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Speaker 1: Today's guests are none other than doctor John and Julie Gottman.

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Speaker 1: The Gotments are the nation's leading marriage researchers and educators.

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Speaker 1: John and Julie Gotman are the renowned experts on marital

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Speaker 1: ability says The Atlantic, the Einstein of Love says Psychology Today,

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Speaker 1: and the Dean of Marriage Experts says The New York Times. Today,

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Speaker 1: we're talking about their new book, Seven Days to More Intimacy,

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Speaker 1: Connection and Joy, The Love Prescription. This is the book.

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Speaker 1: We're going to put the book link in the captions

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Speaker 1: and comments so you can go and grab your copy,

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Speaker 1: John and Julie. It's so wonderful to see you. Thank

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Speaker 1: you for making the time, thank you for giving me

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Speaker 1: this opportunity to sit down with you again. I'm really excited. Jay.

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Speaker 1: You know you should know that it's always an honor

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Speaker 1: to be on your show and to be connected with

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Speaker 1: your gifts. So thank you so much for the opportunity. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I agree, Well, thank you both so much. I want

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Speaker 1: to dive in because whenever I see one of your

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Speaker 1: studies published, or a journal or a new book come,

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Speaker 1: I get very excited because you truly have just studied

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Speaker 1: so many interesting, fascinating parts of relationships. And I guess

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Speaker 1: the first question I want to dive into straight away

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Speaker 1: is when you're dating someone, what quality do you value

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Speaker 1: or what quality should we be looking for when we

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Speaker 1: first start that process, Because I feel like one of

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Speaker 1: the most challenging things right now is we all have

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Speaker 1: different things we're attracted to because of how we were raised,

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Speaker 1: what movies we saw, what perceptions we have about what

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Speaker 1: is attractive, what is male, what is female? Is beyond gender?

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Speaker 1: Right like, we all have certain perceptions and misconceptions. What

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Speaker 1: are some of the values and qualities we should be

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Speaker 1: looking for when we're dating someone or when we're even

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Speaker 1: looking for someone. So I think the very first thing

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Speaker 1: you should look for is kindness, and not only kindness

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Speaker 1: towards you, but kindness towards the people, for example, who

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Speaker 1: bring you your food, who bring you your drinks, who

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Speaker 1: bring you your car, the people that are all around you.

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Speaker 1: Supported that date that you're having with this new person,

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Speaker 1: do they treat everyone with kindness? That's a marker of

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Speaker 1: that person being respectful towards others and not being to classist,

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Speaker 1: not being racist, but being somebody who treats people with

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Speaker 1: care and respect. So kindness is one. I think another

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Speaker 1: is reliability. So does your dating partner actually show up

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Speaker 1: when they say they're going to show up? That's very important.

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Speaker 1: Or are they always late and then they're making an

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Speaker 1: excuse for being late, maybe they don't even apologize. That's

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Speaker 1: not a good sign. So reliability they are who they

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Speaker 1: say they are, they'll be where they say they'll be,

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Speaker 1: is very important too. One of the things that really

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Speaker 1: impressed me about my son in law was that my

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Speaker 1: daughter completely herself with him. So it's a little bit

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Speaker 1: different than what quality did he have, but it was

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Speaker 1: that she was really herself. There was no part of

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Speaker 1: her that was being stifled. She had a boyfriend who

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Speaker 1: didn't want her to sing, and she's a natural singer.

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Speaker 1: She's a jazz singer. And my son in law I

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Speaker 1: just loved her singing, loved her being silly, loved her

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Speaker 1: being tired and crabby. She was completely herself, and I

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Speaker 1: think it's an important thing if you can be completely

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Speaker 1: yourself and feel accepted by this person. Those are both

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Speaker 1: SuDS great answers, and John I loved that thought, the

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Speaker 1: idea that it's not a quality that someone else has,

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Speaker 1: it's that they allow you to be all of your

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Speaker 1: qualities and they don't dampen or hamper any of those.

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Speaker 1: I think one thing you touched on that which really

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Speaker 1: got me curious and intrigued is I think more and

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Speaker 1: more or today people have been in relationships where they

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Speaker 1: feel stifled, or they feel controlled, or they feel manipulated,

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Speaker 1: or they feel like their light had to be dampened.

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Speaker 1: I think I speak to a lot of people. I'm

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Speaker 1: sure you've spoken to you know, God knows how many

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Speaker 1: people over the years that have felt that way. Why

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Speaker 1: is it do you think that it takes us so

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Speaker 1: long to notice that. Sometimes sometimes we've become so intoxicated

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Speaker 1: and enamored by another person that until we actually leave

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Speaker 1: or we get the courage to break up. When it happens,

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Speaker 1: we think, oh, my gosh, I just realized they've been

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Speaker 1: manipulated for three years. I just realized I was controlled

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Speaker 1: for three years. But we accept it, we tolerated. Why

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Speaker 1: do we allow that to happen to ourselves? And why

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Speaker 1: do we also follow up questions to that, why do

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Speaker 1: we allow it to happen to our friends and family

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Speaker 1: members and people around us when we can see it,

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Speaker 1: but we're scared of telling them. First of all, nobody

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Speaker 1: grows up without catching some baggage along the way. That

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Speaker 1: baggage leaves us feeling insecure, feeling badly about certain qualities

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Speaker 1: that we may have. And so when we first start dating,

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Speaker 1: we try to be the best version of ourselves that

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Speaker 1: we can be. That's number one. Number two is that

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Speaker 1: as we get to know this other person a little bit,

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Speaker 1: what happens is that we start to psych out who

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Speaker 1: do they want us to be? Do they want us

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Speaker 1: to accentuate our being athletic but downplay are being intellectual?

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Speaker 1: What fits who? They are, and we try to mold

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Speaker 1: ourselves into this jigsaw puzzle piece that isn't being true

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Speaker 1: to ourselves. And a lot of us have the experience

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Speaker 1: as children of doing exactly the same thing. We realize

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Speaker 1: that perhaps our father really didn't like it when we

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Speaker 1: out maneuvered him in a political debate, so we tamp

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Speaker 1: it down, or our mother didn't like it when we

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Speaker 1: dressed like an athlete instead of like a very feminine stereotype.

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Speaker 1: So who are we? As little kids? We figure out

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Speaker 1: you only get approval for fitting somebody else's notion of

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Speaker 1: who you should be. Then if we don't work through that,

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Speaker 1: we don't process that, and we don't acknowledge that who

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Speaker 1: we are is absolutely perfect in every way, even though

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Speaker 1: we have our strengths and we have our challenges. We

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Speaker 1: go into a dating situation where again we're trying to

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Speaker 1: mold ourselves. It's that same process of trying to figure

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Speaker 1: out what's wanted of us and molding ourselves to that. Also, Jay,

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Speaker 1: you know, we live in a very critical culture. At jobs,

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Speaker 1: we are rated on a totem pole, where do we

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Speaker 1: fit high or low on the totem pole? Same thing

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Speaker 1: in classrooms, our own individual passions may not be honored.

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Speaker 1: It's only how well do we memorize the capitals of states? Right,

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Speaker 1: So we're always having to mold ourselves to fit somebody

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Speaker 1: else's standards, and we have to work through the fact

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Speaker 1: that all those others out there had very distorted mirrors

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Speaker 1: of who we were and what was beautiful about each

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Speaker 1: one of us. What we have to do is create

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Speaker 1: our own mirror that yes, of course it will see

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Speaker 1: the cracks, it will see the flaws, it will see

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Speaker 1: the weaknesses or challenges that we need to continue to

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Speaker 1: work on. Like mine is impatience and one of the

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Speaker 1: most impatient people I know, so I always have to

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Speaker 1: work on that. Always, you know, five steps ahead of

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Speaker 1: where somebody needs to be. So I have to work

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Speaker 1: on that. But at the same time, I can understand

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Speaker 1: that a lot of things that I am that may

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Speaker 1: have threatened my parents are things that are actually strengths

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Speaker 1: that are beautiful about who I am. Each one of

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Speaker 1: your audience and everyone else has strengths, they have challenges.

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Speaker 1: The work is to see your strengths without the distortions

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Speaker 1: of everyone else's mirrors of you. That's a beautiful response,

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Speaker 1: and you're so right that so many of the things

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Speaker 1: that distort us, gifts or gaps that we received from

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Speaker 1: our parents, where we you know, functioning differently based on

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Speaker 1: how we were loved and how we were shown love.

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Speaker 1: And what's really interesting about that journey? And I'm focusing

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Speaker 1: on that feeling stifled and restricted because I think it's

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Speaker 1: just such a big theme and such an important thing

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Speaker 1: that you raised. When someone comes out of that, when

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Speaker 1: someone finally breaks through a relationship where they were feeling stifled,

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Speaker 1: where they were feeling controlled, they can feel extremely lost

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Speaker 1: in who they are, and they can become confused about

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Speaker 1: their identity and about their value. And often people will say, well,

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Speaker 1: I just doubt myself now because I was doubted or

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Speaker 1: I have lost my self esteem. What are some of

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Speaker 1: the building blocks you think, and what is the importance

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Speaker 1: of self awareness and self esteem? I mean, Julie, you

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Speaker 1: just said it right now. You said, Hey, I know

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Speaker 1: that I'm impatient and that's something I'm always working on,

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Speaker 1: which means you have self awareness and you can still

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Speaker 1: a positive self esteem because you know it's something you're

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Speaker 1: building on or working on. What role do a self

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Speaker 1: esteem and self awareness have in healthy relationships? And how

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Speaker 1: does one redevelop them after a painful experience. I love

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Speaker 1: that question, Jay, because you know, every single day I

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Speaker 1: see clients who are in exactly the kind of pain

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Speaker 1: you're describing, where they've come out of a painful, painful

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Speaker 1: relationship where they were treated badly, disrespectfully, they've been devalued,

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Speaker 1: or they've felt invisible, unimportant, and they are lost because

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Speaker 1: they've tried so hard to mold themselves into a paper

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Speaker 1: doll that they've lost track of who the real person

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Speaker 1: is behind the mask that they've displayed. So the building

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Speaker 1: block of change is, first of all, seek people and

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Speaker 1: more connection with those people that you actually really trust,

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Speaker 1: who care about you, who see the beauty in your heart,

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Speaker 1: in your soul, and talking to them about your experience,

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Speaker 1: asking them what was their perception of what was going

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Speaker 1: on in the relationship. Does it make sense to them

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Speaker 1: that they were being controlled or being manipulated? Can they

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Speaker 1: help you with their own objective eyes understand what process

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Speaker 1: you were involved in. Now, that may be a friend,

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Speaker 1: that may be a sibling or a relative. It may

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Speaker 1: be a therapist or a healer, but somebody that you

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Speaker 1: can trust who reflects. First of all, more accurately what

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Speaker 1: was going on for you and who you really are.

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Speaker 1: Then what you need to do is follow your own passions.

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Speaker 1: At first, it's really difficult to figure that out. What

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Speaker 1: are my passions? I don't know anymore? So you go

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Speaker 1: back to before this relationship. Try to remember a time

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Speaker 1: when you were really happy and you were feeling really fulfilled.

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Speaker 1: What were you doing at that time, what were you

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Speaker 1: thinking about, what were you reading about, what were you feeling.

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Speaker 1: So I have a client, for example, who was really

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Speaker 1: controlled and manipulated by her partner, and then her partner

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Speaker 1: betrayed her and left her. So now she's very lost

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Speaker 1: trying to figure out who she is. So we listed

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Speaker 1: a whole list of potential passions and had her close

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Speaker 1: her eyes and reflect on, Okay, each one of those,

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Speaker 1: how do they resonate with you? How do they resonate?

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Speaker 1: And she generated this very short list of things she

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Speaker 1: loved about herself and she loved doing. There was sailing,

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Speaker 1: There was learning about music and playing guitar. There was

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Speaker 1: going swimming with her children. Swimming in particular was something

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Speaker 1: that she really really loved to do. So seek out

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Speaker 1: that passion, pull the thread, see what's at the end

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Speaker 1: of it, and then expand that passion into something that

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Speaker 1: becomes a regular part of your life. And not only that,

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Speaker 1: but most passions include the participation of other people. So

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Speaker 1: if you connect with other people that share that passion

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Speaker 1: with you, you then begin to feel like, ah, this

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Speaker 1: part of myself that i've shut down that I'm now

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Speaker 1: recapturing is something other people loved too. Hooray, And you

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Speaker 1: go out to live those parts of you that you

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Speaker 1: split off but now you're reconnecting with. That's a brilliant answer.

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Speaker 1: You've given us so many practical things that we can

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Speaker 1: do there when we're in that position, and they all

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Speaker 1: feel really tough and difficult in the moment, for sure,

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Speaker 1: but they're tried and tested, They work, they make sense,

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Speaker 1: they align. And you know, anyone who's listening or watching

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Speaker 1: right now who's been in that scenario recognizing what Julie

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Speaker 1: was saying, like, there was a you before this relationship,

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Speaker 1: and there will be you after this relationship, and the

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Speaker 1: you that got lost during the relationship is the one

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Speaker 1: you're trying to reawaken, rediscover and give an opportunity to rise.

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Speaker 1: For So, I think that recognition that you may have

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Speaker 1: lost connection with who you are, but you are not

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Speaker 1: lost to you are nonexistent, which a lot of people

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Speaker 1: can actually end up feeling if we move forward into

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Speaker 1: we started with and then we went backwards into breakups

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Speaker 1: and now I'm kind of going back into dating again.

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Speaker 1: But I think one of the biggest challenges today is

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Speaker 1: the paradox of choice. Right today, there is more choice,

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Speaker 1: there are more options, There is a quicker ability to

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Speaker 1: say yes or no to someone on a dating app.

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Speaker 1: You're not meeting people within a one mile radius or

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Speaker 1: five mile radius of where you grew up. You're meeting

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Speaker 1: people online through a picture. You don't know their family,

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Speaker 1: you don't know what school they went to, you don't

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Speaker 1: know many of their friends. So the way we meet

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Speaker 1: people today has drastically shifted in the last ten to

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Speaker 1: twenty years alone, what to speak of over time. And

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Speaker 1: on top of that, there's this feeling that people have

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Speaker 1: of like, well, if I'm not with someone who's perfect,

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Speaker 1: well then I can just drop them and find someone

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Speaker 1: else because there's so many people out there. So tell

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Speaker 1: me about what you've noticed with the paradox of choice

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Speaker 1: and what can we do in our dating life to

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Speaker 1: actually learn quicker and foster whether someone's right for us

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Speaker 1: or not, and what does that really mean. Let me

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Speaker 1: say something about what modern research has found in selecting somebody,

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Speaker 1: and it turns out that really nobody has been able

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Speaker 1: to find anything to measure that determines whether you'll like somebody.

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Speaker 1: So you can ask people even what are they looking

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Speaker 1: for in a partner and to list all the qualities,

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Speaker 1: and then you can select for those qualities, and that

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Speaker 1: person is unlikely to even like that person. So I

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Speaker 1: you know, my answer to that is to find somebody

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Speaker 1: you can trust. And trust is very different for everybody,

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Speaker 1: but it's somebody you feel safe with, Somebody really makes

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Speaker 1: you feel accepted as you are. And our best index

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Speaker 1: trust is to pick somebody who is able to think

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Speaker 1: for two not just for themselves, but can think about

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Speaker 1: what benefits both partners, and that person winds up being

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Speaker 1: very trustworthy. When we talk about choices of dating, part

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Speaker 1: of the problem is that everybody is on the Internet

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Speaker 1: trying to find a match. But because basically the Internet

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Speaker 1: is black and white text, it gives people only a

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Speaker 1: tiny little sliver, one dimension of who somebody is. You know,

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Speaker 1: that's always a problem in my head because people will

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Speaker 1: describe themselves in a way that doesn't include how they smell,

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Speaker 1: what they really look like, what their history is, who

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Speaker 1: they really are. So you're not going to find the

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Speaker 1: perfect partner. What John was saying about somebody that you

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Speaker 1: can trust. In my world, what that means is somebody

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Speaker 1: who makes you feel good about yourself. So one of

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Speaker 1: the questions you need to ask is how do you

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Speaker 1: feel about yourself when you're actually face to face with

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Speaker 1: this person. So, you know, fine, go out and look

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Speaker 1: on the internet, see who appeals to you through the internet,

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Speaker 1: but try to meet up with them, have coffee, you know,

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Speaker 1: for thirty minutes, taught to them. See how many questions

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Speaker 1: they ask you, and how do they respond to your answers.

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Speaker 1: Do they just change the subject? Are they looking over

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Speaker 1: your shoulder at somebody cute who's sitting at the back

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Speaker 1: of the room. How are they responding or are they

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Speaker 1: really focused on you and making you feel like that

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Speaker 1: person seems to really get what I'm saying. They're understanding there,

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Speaker 1: responding not by interrupting me and talking over me, but

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Speaker 1: by really wanting to even hear more, and gee, I

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Speaker 1: want to hear more about them? How self disclosing, aren't

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Speaker 1: they Are they self disclosing appropriately, not oversharing every personal detail,

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Speaker 1: but letting me know the basics of who they are

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Speaker 1: so that I can respond to them and slowly get

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Speaker 1: to know them. So, you know, I'm afraid all of

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Speaker 1: we Internet users, when we limit ourselves to looking for

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Speaker 1: somebody on the internet, we're really making a mistake. We've

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Speaker 1: got to meet up with people face to face, see

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Speaker 1: how we feel being with them and how they feel

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Speaker 1: being with us. Yeah. I think one of the greatest

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Speaker 1: notes that I liked out of that from both of

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Speaker 1: you was I think trust is one of these things

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Speaker 1: that just takes forever to build. And you know, you

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Speaker 1: hear about people who they've been with someone for twenty

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Speaker 1: five years and they feel they trusted each other, and

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Speaker 1: then the person after twenty five years goes, I don't

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Speaker 1: love you anymore, and then you know you're dealing with that.

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Speaker 1: And so the thing that really resonated with me was

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Speaker 1: the idea of safety, like do you feel safe when

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Speaker 1: you're with someone? I think that's a very current, immediate

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Speaker 1: way of building trust because trust is this big thing

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Speaker 1: takes a lot of time, a lot of building blocks,

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Speaker 1: so many other things, But do I feel safe with

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Speaker 1: this person is something you can ask yourself right now,

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Speaker 1: and you can know whether you feel safer around someone emotionally,

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Speaker 1: whether you feel safer around someone physically, or whether you

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Speaker 1: feel fearful, or whether you feel unsafe, or whether you

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Speaker 1: feel threatened, or whether you feel intimidated. And I think

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Speaker 1: that's a really great question that people can ask themselves

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Speaker 1: in the moment, in a day. And of course the

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Speaker 1: insight of getting as quick as possible to meeting someone

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Speaker 1: in person is the only way that you can really

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Speaker 1: start making better decisions in dating and dealing better with

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Speaker 1: choice and knowing that the research shows that there is

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Speaker 1: no perfect thing to look for and perfect partner. I mean,

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Speaker 1: that's very freeing. I'm hoping people hear that and go, oh,

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Speaker 1: I get it, Like, there isn't just the perfect thing

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Speaker 1: to look for, and there isn't a perfect formula and

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Speaker 1: there isn't a perfect recipe, which means I'm going to

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Speaker 1: work with a lot of ingredients that don't make sense,

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Speaker 1: and there are going to be things that are contradictory,

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Speaker 1: and there are going to be things that don't perfectly align.

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Speaker 1: And that's okay. That's what the research shows, right, So

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Speaker 1: I think that's a healthy way of approaching. I think

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Speaker 1: the challenge I've seen is we're so focused on finding

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Speaker 1: the perfect person that we don't create a process of

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Speaker 1: creating something meaningful with the person. We're weird, and so

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Speaker 1: we keep finding perfect, chasing perfect, chasing perfect, pursuing perfection,

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Speaker 1: not thinking, oh, I can actually create, make and build

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Speaker 1: something pretty good if I direct my energy this way.

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Speaker 1: Let's dive into a few of the questions that you

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Speaker 1: ask in the book. So we talk about the seven

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Speaker 1: days to more Intimacy, Connection, enjoy, and I think one

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Speaker 1: of the things you talk about that I love in

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Speaker 1: this book is about asking big questions. And the reason

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Speaker 1: why I like this idea of when you're in a relationship,

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Speaker 1: how do you increase intimacy is that we've been wearing

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Speaker 1: how long we've been in a relationship as a badge

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Speaker 1: of honor. Right. We look at the amount of time

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Speaker 1: someone's been with someone as the success of a relationship,

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Speaker 1: and we know that that's not factually true, whether it's

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Speaker 1: a job, a relationship, a home. You could live in

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Speaker 1: a home for thirty years and hate it every day.

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00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:46,600
Speaker 1: You could work a job the same day, same job,

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Speaker 1: every day in your life for fifty years and hate

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Speaker 1: your job. Or you could be with someone for a

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Speaker 1: long long time and not really enjoy their company. And

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Speaker 1: I think what I've noticed is that the reason that

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Speaker 1: happens is we think when we get married to someone,

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Speaker 1: or we move in with someone, or we're in a

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00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:07,520
Speaker 1: committed relationship with someone, you almost have this little voice

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00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:11,120
Speaker 1: in your head that says you already know them, that

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00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:14,560
Speaker 1: we wait till we know someone to make commitments, and

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Speaker 1: now that we know them, there's almost unconsciously nothing left

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Speaker 1: to know, there's nothing left to discover. And so when

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Speaker 1: you talk about these incredible ideas that you're sharing in

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Speaker 1: this book, the reason why I really like them is

391
00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:33,080
Speaker 1: this idea that you can always learn something new about

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00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:36,440
Speaker 1: someone that you've known a long time. So someone who's

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00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:39,760
Speaker 1: old in your life, there's still something always new to

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Speaker 1: learn about them. And one of the ways you say

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Speaker 1: is by asking a big question. Can you describe what

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00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:48,240
Speaker 1: a big question is and why it's a great way

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00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:54,600
Speaker 1: of building intimacy. So a big question is a question

398
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:59,639
Speaker 1: that has a long answer, It doesn't have a yes

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Speaker 1: or no answer. My favorite color is purple in a

400
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:07,600
Speaker 1: one word answer, It has a much bigger answer, like

401
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:12,600
Speaker 1: what are you thinking about death and dying these days?

402
00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:15,000
Speaker 1: You know you've just turned eighty five, What are you

403
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:19,120
Speaker 1: thinking about it? What are you thinking about? Who you

404
00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:24,080
Speaker 1: want our children to be, especially growing up in this

405
00:26:24,119 --> 00:26:28,080
Speaker 1: world where so many things really need to change drastically

406
00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:30,840
Speaker 1: and quickly. Who do you want our child to be?

407
00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:35,640
Speaker 1: So they have big answers to them these questions. One

408
00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:40,280
Speaker 1: of the reasons that these questions are so important to

409
00:26:40,359 --> 00:26:46,480
Speaker 1: keep asking is the following. We are not static. We

410
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:50,000
Speaker 1: are not like you know the fireplace in your home

411
00:26:50,359 --> 00:26:55,000
Speaker 1: that never changes, that has the same form, the same bricks,

412
00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:58,720
Speaker 1: the same wood. You know it'll burn, Replace it with

413
00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:03,120
Speaker 1: a little more wood. It's not the same fixture. We

414
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:08,080
Speaker 1: are not a fixed entity. We are constantly evolving. We

415
00:27:08,119 --> 00:27:12,240
Speaker 1: are changing, We are moving forward, and we are being

416
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:17,879
Speaker 1: impacted by our world to shift our beliefs, our thoughts,

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00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:23,680
Speaker 1: our feelings about things, our hope or our hopelessness. We're

418
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:28,160
Speaker 1: changing all the time. So if we don't continue to

419
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:32,480
Speaker 1: ask those questions, then we may have a picture of

420
00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:37,760
Speaker 1: our partner in our minds that's obsolete, that's ten years old,

421
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:41,880
Speaker 1: and that person has been replaced by somebody totally different,

422
00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:47,160
Speaker 1: but we won't know it. So the big questions keep

423
00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:53,920
Speaker 1: us connected with this beautiful changing form. We are like

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00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:59,200
Speaker 1: the c J. The c is never the same, minute

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00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,880
Speaker 1: by minute, hour by hour, day by day. The sea

426
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:08,400
Speaker 1: is always changing, color, wave forms, smoothness versus turmoil. It's

427
00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:13,560
Speaker 1: always changing. Well, so are human beings inside of us.

428
00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:18,400
Speaker 1: We have a sea that's being influenced by all the

429
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:22,200
Speaker 1: powers and forces in our world. So how does that

430
00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:26,280
Speaker 1: change us and our partner and how can we stay

431
00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:31,119
Speaker 1: attuned to each other? The big questions are the way

432
00:28:31,119 --> 00:28:35,840
Speaker 1: to do that, to address who are you here and

433
00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:40,480
Speaker 1: now today? How have you changed? That's really special and

434
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:43,040
Speaker 1: I love the analogy of the sea, and I feel

435
00:28:43,080 --> 00:28:45,840
Speaker 1: like when you are saying that with the ocean, what

436
00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:48,920
Speaker 1: I was thinking is that often a lot of us

437
00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:53,360
Speaker 1: subconsciously are either scared of asking that question, or we

438
00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:57,000
Speaker 1: don't ask that question because we're fearful that someone may

439
00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,960
Speaker 1: change in a way we don't like. And that's often

440
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:04,080
Speaker 1: what makes relationships so difficult, is that two people, two oceans,

441
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:07,920
Speaker 1: as you beautifully described, are always changing, and then someone

442
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:10,520
Speaker 1: changes in a way that you don't like anymore, and

443
00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:13,760
Speaker 1: you go, well, I don't like that. And when I

444
00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:15,720
Speaker 1: ask you about it, and now you start telling me

445
00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:17,960
Speaker 1: about this new thing that you're into or whatever it

446
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:20,680
Speaker 1: may be, I don't vibe with that. Like, that's not

447
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:24,800
Speaker 1: something I resonate with. How do we continue to build

448
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:28,640
Speaker 1: loving relationships with people? We've committed to people that we

449
00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:32,000
Speaker 1: feel like it's going somewhere, but then they get into something,

450
00:29:32,040 --> 00:29:35,160
Speaker 1: whether it's like you said, it could be pain that

451
00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:38,520
Speaker 1: changes who they are, or something that brings them joy

452
00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:42,040
Speaker 1: that changes who they are, but we don't quite like it.

453
00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:44,800
Speaker 1: We don't enjoy how it's changed them. How do you

454
00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:51,080
Speaker 1: deal with that? I have a great example of this actoy. Okay,

455
00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:53,560
Speaker 1: so I'm one of those people that looks at a

456
00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:58,320
Speaker 1: piece of bread and games five pounds. That's why I

457
00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:01,200
Speaker 1: can look at a slice of cake and be twice

458
00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:05,960
Speaker 1: the width the next week. So I have to be

459
00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:10,680
Speaker 1: really careful about what I consume, and consuming carbs and

460
00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:14,760
Speaker 1: so on is not necessarily a great choice for me. Okay,

461
00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:20,040
Speaker 1: So what does my precious, beautiful husband get into bread baking?

462
00:30:20,560 --> 00:30:24,680
Speaker 1: This is a new passion that he has and he's

463
00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:27,680
Speaker 1: got he's got, you know, a pizza stone, and he

464
00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:34,880
Speaker 1: got the little like curving baking pan for making multiple baggetts,

465
00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:38,400
Speaker 1: like I could eat three baggetts in one city. So

466
00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:43,920
Speaker 1: you know, he's gotten into a passion and he's baking bread,

467
00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:46,760
Speaker 1: you know, whenever he has spare time. So is that

468
00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:51,080
Speaker 1: my favorite passion for my husband to be baking bread

469
00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:54,880
Speaker 1: that I can look at and you know, expand myself

470
00:30:54,920 --> 00:30:58,920
Speaker 1: in the wrong ways with? Probably not. But the thing

471
00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:05,040
Speaker 1: I have to do is to understand by asking more questions,

472
00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:09,400
Speaker 1: why this? You know, what what is it about this

473
00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:16,400
Speaker 1: particular passion by darling that you really love doing? What

474
00:31:16,520 --> 00:31:19,920
Speaker 1: part of you is this fulfilling other than you know,

475
00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:24,560
Speaker 1: your tummy? What part of this are you loving? You know?

476
00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:29,960
Speaker 1: Help me understand this passion. He's so cute and so

477
00:31:30,840 --> 00:31:34,400
Speaker 1: I want to understand him. This may not be the

478
00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:40,240
Speaker 1: favorite evolution of mine that he's going through, but because

479
00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:46,400
Speaker 1: I love him, because love means accepting everything about your partner,

480
00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:51,160
Speaker 1: even the things that are challenging for you. I want

481
00:31:51,240 --> 00:31:56,080
Speaker 1: to get to know this part of him too, even

482
00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:59,080
Speaker 1: if it's something that you know doesn't fit with man

483
00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:02,000
Speaker 1: who says I'm the center of the universe and everything

484
00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:05,720
Speaker 1: has to revolve around my lives and just lives. I'm not,

485
00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:11,800
Speaker 1: so I want to understand this aspect of him. And

486
00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:16,040
Speaker 1: my mother was trained as a hotel chef and I

487
00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:21,240
Speaker 1: miss her. So one way to remember her is to

488
00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:26,400
Speaker 1: learn to be a baker of Viennese pastry. And that's

489
00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:31,680
Speaker 1: where I'm going. Oh my god, well headed to Viennese pastry. Jay,

490
00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:34,360
Speaker 1: Can I move into your house? I bet you have

491
00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:40,600
Speaker 1: really healthy you. No, and I And thank you John

492
00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:44,640
Speaker 1: for sharing that insight about why you've got into baking.

493
00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:46,600
Speaker 1: I mean that, you know, when you hear it from

494
00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:50,240
Speaker 1: that perspective, you're like, wow, that is wow that you know.

495
00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:53,280
Speaker 1: I can only understand how meaningful baking is. What a

496
00:32:53,320 --> 00:32:56,480
Speaker 1: beautiful you know description to share that, And Julie, I

497
00:32:56,520 --> 00:32:59,880
Speaker 1: thought that was a great example because it's the same

498
00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:04,160
Speaker 1: with me and my wife. Like so, I'm someone who's

499
00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:09,240
Speaker 1: very certain about my passions, my purpose. You know, what

500
00:33:09,400 --> 00:33:12,440
Speaker 1: I'm doing on this planet and what I care about.

501
00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:15,640
Speaker 1: And I've developed that over time. It's not that I

502
00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:19,600
Speaker 1: just stumbled upon it yesterday, and it's always evolving and growing,

503
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:23,400
Speaker 1: and of course it changes and moves. And my wife

504
00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:26,840
Speaker 1: someone who is very talented and gifted, but she's often

505
00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:29,280
Speaker 1: trying to figure more out and she's more open to

506
00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:32,840
Speaker 1: this fluid version of herself and discovery. She's in a

507
00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:37,520
Speaker 1: space of discovery. And so when you have certainty and discovery,

508
00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:43,640
Speaker 1: it's very important that there's massive flexibility and adapting in

509
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:46,400
Speaker 1: both people. It's not just me to her or her

510
00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:49,600
Speaker 1: to me, it's both, right, is what I'm hearing you say.

511
00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:52,080
Speaker 1: It's like, she has to be adaptable to the fact

512
00:33:52,080 --> 00:33:55,160
Speaker 1: that she's married to someone who's super certain about what

513
00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:57,400
Speaker 1: they want in life. And I have to be open

514
00:33:57,440 --> 00:34:00,040
Speaker 1: to the fact that I'm with someone who enjoys a

515
00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:02,240
Speaker 1: lot of different things and figuring it out and being

516
00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:06,560
Speaker 1: in discovery mode. And that encourages me, if I see

517
00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:10,719
Speaker 1: it that way, to spend more time in discovery, and

518
00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:13,279
Speaker 1: me being this way encourages her to spend more time

519
00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:17,319
Speaker 1: in certainty or discovering things that are more certain. But

520
00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:21,320
Speaker 1: that requires a lot of flexibility and adaptability and maturity

521
00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:22,919
Speaker 1: to be able to do it in a healthy way.

522
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:26,279
Speaker 1: And that's hard. It is hard work, right, This is

523
00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:30,120
Speaker 1: not easy to do. It is challenging, It is difficult,

524
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:34,960
Speaker 1: it can be painful. How do we build that flexibility?

525
00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:38,000
Speaker 1: Because I feel that most people I speak to today

526
00:34:38,040 --> 00:34:39,520
Speaker 1: there's a lot of like, well, this is the way

527
00:34:39,560 --> 00:34:42,640
Speaker 1: I am, and this is what I want, and this

528
00:34:42,719 --> 00:34:45,719
Speaker 1: is not what you're providing me, right, especially when it

529
00:34:45,719 --> 00:34:49,239
Speaker 1: gets to bigger things than what we're talking about. So

530
00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:53,319
Speaker 1: how do we develop that flexibility and adaptability? Because I

531
00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:56,839
Speaker 1: think people have very clear plans or parts of how

532
00:34:56,880 --> 00:35:00,960
Speaker 1: they want their life to go, and your partner changing

533
00:35:01,480 --> 00:35:06,320
Speaker 1: tact or changing track can maybe i'll, you know, derail

534
00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:09,840
Speaker 1: you sometimes, right, you know, I think it goes back

535
00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:13,759
Speaker 1: to John what you were seeing earlier, which was you

536
00:35:13,840 --> 00:35:17,760
Speaker 1: have to think for two, you have to think about,

537
00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:22,480
Speaker 1: you know, if you really love this person, what is

538
00:35:22,600 --> 00:35:26,840
Speaker 1: going to benefit them? And how far can I stretch

539
00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:31,120
Speaker 1: myself outside my own ego, my own way of doing things,

540
00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:36,040
Speaker 1: my own rigid path. How far can I stretch myself

541
00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:43,120
Speaker 1: beyond my own rigidity to adapt to my partner's path?

542
00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:49,799
Speaker 1: And can we talk through the differences between us the

543
00:35:49,920 --> 00:35:53,760
Speaker 1: new path that my partner may be following, and find

544
00:35:54,000 --> 00:36:00,200
Speaker 1: some in between. I'm thinking about an interesting example of

545
00:36:00,280 --> 00:36:06,200
Speaker 1: somebody who was married and had had a fairly kind

546
00:36:06,239 --> 00:36:09,719
Speaker 1: of atheistic set of beliefs and the other person was

547
00:36:09,840 --> 00:36:15,399
Speaker 1: very comfortable with that, and then that person went into

548
00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:23,600
Speaker 1: a very deep spiritual pursuit and started doing kind of

549
00:36:23,719 --> 00:36:29,200
Speaker 1: visionary quests, and those brought him to a very different

550
00:36:29,200 --> 00:36:36,040
Speaker 1: place than they had been in together philosophically in terms

551
00:36:36,040 --> 00:36:41,279
Speaker 1: of more of an atheistic set of beliefs, and poor thing,

552
00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:43,919
Speaker 1: I mean, she had a heck of a time. She

553
00:36:44,040 --> 00:36:49,719
Speaker 1: did not know how to accept this aspect that her

554
00:36:49,760 --> 00:36:58,120
Speaker 1: partner was evolving into, and she felt abandoned by his journey.

555
00:36:58,600 --> 00:37:04,800
Speaker 1: So what was really necessary was to establish that her journey,

556
00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:11,960
Speaker 1: even if it maintained an atheistic framework, was still a value,

557
00:37:12,080 --> 00:37:16,000
Speaker 1: was still important, that he was very happy to continue

558
00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:20,879
Speaker 1: to support that belief system, and that it wasn't an

559
00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:27,279
Speaker 1: abandonment of her to go into a spiritual journey himself.

560
00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:32,240
Speaker 1: It was a pathway leading to a deeper part of himself.

561
00:37:32,680 --> 00:37:36,720
Speaker 1: It wasn't about her, And in fact, what he could

562
00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:43,040
Speaker 1: do is apply his new spiritual perception to understanding who

563
00:37:43,239 --> 00:37:47,600
Speaker 1: she was from a very different place than he had before.

564
00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:53,719
Speaker 1: Understand from a spiritual perspective why she made the choices

565
00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:59,160
Speaker 1: she did who she was, and both could be embraced

566
00:37:59,200 --> 00:38:04,400
Speaker 1: within a sphere of love. There was no abandonment the

567
00:38:04,680 --> 00:38:12,839
Speaker 1: love to grow because each pan gifted the relationship with

568
00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:18,279
Speaker 1: different new but very beautiful ways to still stay connected,

569
00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:24,000
Speaker 1: staying curious about your partner as your partner changes. And

570
00:38:24,040 --> 00:38:25,760
Speaker 1: that's what I'm saying that I think people are scared

571
00:38:25,760 --> 00:38:28,440
Speaker 1: of that curiosity because it may lead to something they

572
00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:32,359
Speaker 1: don't want to discover because it's it can be so

573
00:38:32,640 --> 00:38:36,440
Speaker 1: emotionally destabilizing personally. But I think you're right, Julie. I

574
00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:43,200
Speaker 1: I appreciate that response because the understanding is the only

575
00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:46,120
Speaker 1: thing that's going to help in that moment, like you know,

576
00:38:46,200 --> 00:38:48,719
Speaker 1: and what the thing that stood out the most was

577
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:51,960
Speaker 1: you said, you know, realizing that it's not a journey

578
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:54,840
Speaker 1: you have to go on, right, Like it's it's not

579
00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:57,680
Speaker 1: a joint journey. If someone needs to go down this

580
00:38:57,800 --> 00:39:02,320
Speaker 1: journey for themselves, you're going with them on their journey,

581
00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:04,799
Speaker 1: but it doesn't have to become your journey. And I

582
00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:07,200
Speaker 1: think that's often the pressure that couples put on each

583
00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:08,920
Speaker 1: other where it's like, well, if I'm going to do this,

584
00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:10,759
Speaker 1: then you need to do it too. And that's where

585
00:39:10,760 --> 00:39:14,839
Speaker 1: it starts to become unhealthy, where our journey becomes projected

586
00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:18,879
Speaker 1: onto our partners. So in this book you also talk

587
00:39:18,920 --> 00:39:23,480
Speaker 1: about some really practical things around saying thank you more

588
00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:26,480
Speaker 1: to our partners. And you talk about how we always

589
00:39:26,600 --> 00:39:30,759
Speaker 1: notice the bad things or the mistakes they make, and

590
00:39:30,800 --> 00:39:32,960
Speaker 1: we all know that, right, whether it's not having the

591
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:35,600
Speaker 1: dishes done, whether it's not cleaning up the house, whether

592
00:39:35,640 --> 00:39:38,600
Speaker 1: it's the shoes left at the door, whether it's whatever

593
00:39:38,640 --> 00:39:40,480
Speaker 1: it may be, right in your own home. I'm just

594
00:39:40,760 --> 00:39:45,000
Speaker 1: naming things my wife doesn't like that I do. When

595
00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:48,200
Speaker 1: when you look at those things, there's so many things

596
00:39:48,200 --> 00:39:52,640
Speaker 1: that we point out as mistakes and criticisms and negatives consistently.

597
00:39:53,400 --> 00:39:56,840
Speaker 1: What does the research show around aid the amount of

598
00:39:56,880 --> 00:40:01,080
Speaker 1: positive versus negative communication we have with our partners and

599
00:40:01,719 --> 00:40:08,919
Speaker 1: be how negatively do those critical comments affect a relationship?

600
00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:11,239
Speaker 1: And then I'll come onto the next of all, which

601
00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:12,879
Speaker 1: is all about you know, how do we really say

602
00:40:12,880 --> 00:40:14,799
Speaker 1: thank you in a deep way? But let's let's start

603
00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:18,840
Speaker 1: with that. Well, there's a wonderful study by two women,

604
00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:22,719
Speaker 1: Robinson and Price, And what they did that was so

605
00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:27,839
Speaker 1: interesting was they put observers in a couple's home, one

606
00:40:27,880 --> 00:40:31,560
Speaker 1: person observing the husband, one person observing the wife. These

607
00:40:31,560 --> 00:40:37,319
Speaker 1: were only heterosexual couples and just observing positive things that

608
00:40:37,400 --> 00:40:40,560
Speaker 1: one person did for the other, and they trained the

609
00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:43,719
Speaker 1: husband and wife to do that as well. And what

610
00:40:43,760 --> 00:40:49,680
Speaker 1: they found was that in an unhappy relationship, people miss

611
00:40:49,920 --> 00:40:54,120
Speaker 1: fifty percent of the positive things that their partners doing. So,

612
00:40:54,640 --> 00:40:58,200
Speaker 1: you know, initially people thought, well, what has to happen

613
00:40:58,280 --> 00:41:01,360
Speaker 1: to make a relationship happy is that people need to

614
00:41:01,400 --> 00:41:05,720
Speaker 1: be more positive to one another. But what they found

615
00:41:05,920 --> 00:41:09,680
Speaker 1: was that people were already being positive to one another

616
00:41:10,080 --> 00:41:13,600
Speaker 1: even in an unhappy relationship. It's just that their partner

617
00:41:13,719 --> 00:41:19,680
Speaker 1: wasn't noticing fifty percent of that positivity. So that suggested

618
00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:24,040
Speaker 1: that you need a habit of mind in a relationship

619
00:41:24,239 --> 00:41:27,760
Speaker 1: that's going to work where you notice what your partner

620
00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:31,799
Speaker 1: is contributing to the relationship. Rather than focusing on your

621
00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:36,080
Speaker 1: partner's mistakes or what they're doing wrong, focus on what

622
00:41:36,120 --> 00:41:40,000
Speaker 1: they're doing right, focus on what really is happening that

623
00:41:40,160 --> 00:41:44,839
Speaker 1: is positive in the relationship, and then that changes the relationship.

624
00:41:45,239 --> 00:41:49,360
Speaker 1: That ability to have that different mindset where you're noticing

625
00:41:49,360 --> 00:41:53,080
Speaker 1: what's going right. When you're focused on the negative, it

626
00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:57,560
Speaker 1: turns out it actually affects your own health in a

627
00:41:57,680 --> 00:42:02,720
Speaker 1: very bad way. You wind up being more irritable, being

628
00:42:03,200 --> 00:42:08,520
Speaker 1: you know, more vindictive, and less cooperative, and you wind

629
00:42:08,600 --> 00:42:11,719
Speaker 1: Up Living List is an Israeli study that shows that

630
00:42:11,880 --> 00:42:16,040
Speaker 1: people who respond during traffic to somebody who wants to

631
00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:19,960
Speaker 1: cut into their elane by thinking, you know, that guy's

632
00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:22,120
Speaker 1: not going to get into my elane. I'm not going

633
00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:26,200
Speaker 1: to let that happen. That sort of angry response viewing

634
00:42:26,680 --> 00:42:32,080
Speaker 1: this behavior in a negative way reduces their lifespan. So

635
00:42:32,200 --> 00:42:38,840
Speaker 1: this positive habit of mind really is very powerful increasing

636
00:42:38,840 --> 00:42:42,240
Speaker 1: the amount of positivity in a relationship. Yeah, that's amazing.

637
00:42:42,280 --> 00:42:44,759
Speaker 1: That's study about missing fifty percent. I mean that's a

638
00:42:44,920 --> 00:42:47,960
Speaker 1: big number. That's that that should not be forgotten on

639
00:42:48,040 --> 00:42:51,200
Speaker 1: the toilet, and I guess with that. The second about

640
00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:55,319
Speaker 1: my question was how do you show appreciation effectively in

641
00:42:55,320 --> 00:42:57,960
Speaker 1: a relationship too? Because I think what ends up happening

642
00:42:58,000 --> 00:43:01,440
Speaker 1: is there's so much familiarity, there is so much negativity,

643
00:43:01,920 --> 00:43:04,600
Speaker 1: and most people have kind of walked down the negative

644
00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:08,200
Speaker 1: path and now they're trying to rewire. Right, So you've

645
00:43:08,200 --> 00:43:11,400
Speaker 1: already built up a relationship over a few months or

646
00:43:11,520 --> 00:43:17,200
Speaker 1: years maybe where you've just repeated the negative patterns, and

647
00:43:17,239 --> 00:43:19,240
Speaker 1: now all of a sudden, you listen to this podcast,

648
00:43:19,280 --> 00:43:21,000
Speaker 1: people read your book and they go, oh, wait a minute,

649
00:43:21,040 --> 00:43:23,640
Speaker 1: I need to start being a bit more complimentary and

650
00:43:23,719 --> 00:43:25,960
Speaker 1: noticing it, and now their partners are like, well, this

651
00:43:26,080 --> 00:43:30,000
Speaker 1: just feels artificial. Or sometimes when you start being positive

652
00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:33,400
Speaker 1: towards your partner, they also don't how to receive it

653
00:43:33,480 --> 00:43:36,480
Speaker 1: because they don't think they're worthy of it. So often

654
00:43:36,520 --> 00:43:39,440
Speaker 1: I've found that where you can say thank you to

655
00:43:39,520 --> 00:43:42,960
Speaker 1: someone for something, but they don't know how to receive

656
00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:45,960
Speaker 1: a compliment. They don't know how to really accept that,

657
00:43:46,000 --> 00:43:48,480
Speaker 1: and so you keep saying the compliment day after day

658
00:43:48,480 --> 00:43:51,439
Speaker 1: after day after day, but they never really digest it. So,

659
00:43:52,480 --> 00:43:54,960
Speaker 1: if you're making a switch in your relationship from negative

660
00:43:55,000 --> 00:43:57,359
Speaker 1: to positive, how do you say thank you in a deep,

661
00:43:57,520 --> 00:44:01,799
Speaker 1: meaningful way that it will be received, And how do

662
00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:04,880
Speaker 1: you do it when your partner struggles to receive compliments?

663
00:44:04,920 --> 00:44:06,799
Speaker 1: Like you might say to your partner, hey, you look

664
00:44:06,840 --> 00:44:09,440
Speaker 1: beautiful today or you look great in that, and they

665
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:12,239
Speaker 1: always pull a funny face or they go, well, no,

666
00:44:12,320 --> 00:44:14,359
Speaker 1: I don't look I look like this or I look

667
00:44:14,440 --> 00:44:18,280
Speaker 1: like that, because they are struggling themselves with that area

668
00:44:18,320 --> 00:44:21,640
Speaker 1: of their life. A compliment doesn't solve that. So, first

669
00:44:21,719 --> 00:44:26,480
Speaker 1: of all, let's discern between compliments and gratitude. Those are

670
00:44:26,520 --> 00:44:32,040
Speaker 1: two different things. So you know, giving somebody compliment is

671
00:44:32,760 --> 00:44:37,759
Speaker 1: seeing something positive about your partner, some quality about your

672
00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:42,040
Speaker 1: partner that you are commenting on and saying, wow, you

673
00:44:42,080 --> 00:44:46,080
Speaker 1: look beautiful. Wow, that was a smart thing you just said. Wow,

674
00:44:46,120 --> 00:44:50,840
Speaker 1: that was hilarious that story you told. Right, So that's

675
00:44:50,880 --> 00:44:55,400
Speaker 1: a little different than saying thank you so much for

676
00:44:55,520 --> 00:44:59,799
Speaker 1: making the coffee, thank you for doing the dishes for me,

677
00:45:00,000 --> 00:45:02,120
Speaker 1: and I was it was my turn and I was

678
00:45:02,200 --> 00:45:07,240
Speaker 1: feeling really tired. So most people are much more able

679
00:45:07,280 --> 00:45:13,040
Speaker 1: to hear thank you. But when you haven't said thank

680
00:45:13,120 --> 00:45:14,840
Speaker 1: you for a really long time, and all of a

681
00:45:14,880 --> 00:45:18,239
Speaker 1: sudden you're saying thank you, it's like, oh, yeah, right

682
00:45:18,280 --> 00:45:22,360
Speaker 1: now you tell me thanks? Yeah, right, sure, sure, what

683
00:45:22,719 --> 00:45:25,319
Speaker 1: do you need? Are you, you know, setting me up

684
00:45:25,360 --> 00:45:28,520
Speaker 1: to manipulate me to get something else, you know. So

685
00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:32,759
Speaker 1: they'll be distrust at first because it doesn't feel real.

686
00:45:32,880 --> 00:45:37,640
Speaker 1: It feels artificial. But the way to make it real

687
00:45:38,160 --> 00:45:42,160
Speaker 1: is don't exaggerate it, you know, in other words, don't

688
00:45:42,280 --> 00:45:45,400
Speaker 1: drop on your knees and say, you know, oh my god,

689
00:45:45,480 --> 00:45:48,320
Speaker 1: this is the best coffee I've ever had. Thank you. So,

690
00:45:49,600 --> 00:45:52,359
Speaker 1: you know, I mean, you've got to make it realistic, right,

691
00:45:52,840 --> 00:45:57,879
Speaker 1: So thanks for making the coffee. You keep it attuned

692
00:45:58,280 --> 00:46:04,279
Speaker 1: to where the person is, what they've actually done, and

693
00:46:04,480 --> 00:46:08,600
Speaker 1: if they've done something that's really meaningful to you, then

694
00:46:08,680 --> 00:46:12,959
Speaker 1: you tell them why it was meaningful to you. So,

695
00:46:13,160 --> 00:46:16,520
Speaker 1: you know, you might say something like, thank you so

696
00:46:16,640 --> 00:46:19,480
Speaker 1: much for doing the dishes when it was my turn,

697
00:46:19,640 --> 00:46:23,680
Speaker 1: but I was just wiped out and tired, because you know,

698
00:46:23,880 --> 00:46:27,279
Speaker 1: here's what it meant to me as a kid. I

699
00:46:27,360 --> 00:46:31,520
Speaker 1: never got off doing my chores. Whether I had a fever,

700
00:46:31,960 --> 00:46:34,840
Speaker 1: whether you know, I hadn't slept all night, it never mattered.

701
00:46:35,080 --> 00:46:37,800
Speaker 1: I always had to do my chores. So the fact

702
00:46:37,800 --> 00:46:40,759
Speaker 1: that you had some compassion for me and you took

703
00:46:40,800 --> 00:46:43,799
Speaker 1: over doing the chore, that means a lot to me.

704
00:46:43,880 --> 00:46:48,279
Speaker 1: So thank you. You see. So when you accompany the

705
00:46:48,480 --> 00:46:52,360
Speaker 1: thank you, especially if it's a bigger one with why

706
00:46:52,520 --> 00:46:56,560
Speaker 1: it has meaning to you, that's going to give it

707
00:46:56,719 --> 00:47:00,520
Speaker 1: more weight, more in fact, and enable the the person

708
00:47:00,600 --> 00:47:06,120
Speaker 1: to hear it in the atmosphere you want it to

709
00:47:06,160 --> 00:47:09,960
Speaker 1: be given. Well, let me say something about that, because

710
00:47:10,320 --> 00:47:14,680
Speaker 1: I think the changing from a negative habit of mind

711
00:47:14,680 --> 00:47:17,960
Speaker 1: where you're really noticing what other people are doing wrong

712
00:47:18,360 --> 00:47:23,800
Speaker 1: and trying to fix them, to not noticing what's going

713
00:47:23,880 --> 00:47:28,440
Speaker 1: right and feeling gratitude about it is a process of

714
00:47:28,520 --> 00:47:33,359
Speaker 1: changing yourself, So don't focus very much on other people

715
00:47:33,440 --> 00:47:37,839
Speaker 1: and how they're receiving it. I know that when I

716
00:47:37,880 --> 00:47:40,080
Speaker 1: was in a very negative place, you know where I was,

717
00:47:40,560 --> 00:47:45,320
Speaker 1: you know, experiencing you know, anger driving, you know, people

718
00:47:45,360 --> 00:47:48,840
Speaker 1: who were driving badly, and you know, I noticed that

719
00:47:49,320 --> 00:47:53,879
Speaker 1: I had that negative mindset in general, and it took

720
00:47:53,920 --> 00:47:57,640
Speaker 1: me a long time to change my own self so

721
00:47:57,680 --> 00:48:00,600
Speaker 1: that I was noticing all the power set of things

722
00:48:00,640 --> 00:48:05,160
Speaker 1: that were happening around me and feeling grateful. So it's

723
00:48:05,239 --> 00:48:09,160
Speaker 1: really focusing on yourself and going, wow, you know this,

724
00:48:09,160 --> 00:48:11,440
Speaker 1: this is really quite a wonderful world in a lot

725
00:48:11,440 --> 00:48:14,640
Speaker 1: of ways. And I've been looking at the glasses being

726
00:48:14,640 --> 00:48:18,280
Speaker 1: half empty when actually it's half full. And it took

727
00:48:18,280 --> 00:48:23,120
Speaker 1: me really two years to change myself from this negative

728
00:48:23,160 --> 00:48:26,120
Speaker 1: habit of mine to a positive one. And then suddenly

729
00:48:26,160 --> 00:48:29,279
Speaker 1: I wasn't walking around being irritable all the time. I

730
00:48:29,360 --> 00:48:33,040
Speaker 1: was walking around saying, wow, you know, life is really

731
00:48:33,120 --> 00:48:36,000
Speaker 1: quite nice. I'm very I'm really a lucky person, and

732
00:48:36,440 --> 00:48:38,960
Speaker 1: you know, all these wonderful things are happening in my life.

733
00:48:39,360 --> 00:48:42,000
Speaker 1: So you know, my advice would be don't focus so

734
00:48:42,080 --> 00:48:46,400
Speaker 1: much on how others are responding. Really focus on yourself

735
00:48:47,080 --> 00:48:50,960
Speaker 1: and realize that you're changing the way you're viewing the

736
00:48:50,960 --> 00:48:54,920
Speaker 1: world and being more grateful for what really is wonderful

737
00:48:54,920 --> 00:48:58,239
Speaker 1: about your life. Yeah, the great thing about that is

738
00:48:58,239 --> 00:49:00,360
Speaker 1: that it has a big, no kind of act on

739
00:49:00,360 --> 00:49:03,799
Speaker 1: your entire life, Like we just you know, it's it's

740
00:49:03,840 --> 00:49:06,680
Speaker 1: like we the fact that you're saying, we miss fifty

741
00:49:06,719 --> 00:49:08,960
Speaker 1: percent of the good things. And then Julie, you're a

742
00:49:08,960 --> 00:49:11,880
Speaker 1: description of how to say thank you based on why

743
00:49:12,239 --> 00:49:14,680
Speaker 1: it's meaningful to you. I think that is such great

744
00:49:14,719 --> 00:49:17,680
Speaker 1: insight for your partner as well. Like you know, you're

745
00:49:17,680 --> 00:49:20,480
Speaker 1: just saying, oh, thanks for washing up, versus thanks for

746
00:49:20,520 --> 00:49:22,480
Speaker 1: washing up because it gave me a little extra time

747
00:49:22,520 --> 00:49:24,640
Speaker 1: to catch up on that thing I was trying to

748
00:49:24,680 --> 00:49:27,279
Speaker 1: finish off for work, or you know, thank you so

749
00:49:27,360 --> 00:49:30,400
Speaker 1: much for cleaning up because I was feeling quite anxious

750
00:49:30,440 --> 00:49:33,239
Speaker 1: today and that's made me feel really calm. Like those

751
00:49:33,320 --> 00:49:36,719
Speaker 1: kind of insights are so much more powerful for your

752
00:49:36,760 --> 00:49:39,560
Speaker 1: partner to not only remember, but to repeat that act

753
00:49:39,560 --> 00:49:44,279
Speaker 1: of kindness and for them to recognize how meaningful it

754
00:49:44,360 --> 00:49:47,160
Speaker 1: is to you. And so I think that's super practical

755
00:49:47,200 --> 00:49:51,080
Speaker 1: and the idea of just shifting our thought management of

756
00:49:51,520 --> 00:49:54,239
Speaker 1: it's it's so easy to sit there and look at

757
00:49:54,280 --> 00:49:57,080
Speaker 1: all the mistakes your partner makes, or anyone makes, but

758
00:49:57,520 --> 00:50:02,280
Speaker 1: to acknowledge that in light of the positive actions they're making,

759
00:50:02,520 --> 00:50:06,719
Speaker 1: that to me is just great thought management, because, as

760
00:50:06,760 --> 00:50:10,520
Speaker 1: you rightly said, our thoughts are just constantly being dragged

761
00:50:10,560 --> 00:50:12,960
Speaker 1: down into the dirt. The dirt. The studies that I've

762
00:50:12,960 --> 00:50:16,839
Speaker 1: seen show we have sixty to eighty thousand thoughts per day,

763
00:50:17,320 --> 00:50:19,840
Speaker 1: and eighty percent of them are negative and eighty percent

764
00:50:19,840 --> 00:50:22,279
Speaker 1: of them are repetitive. And so it's not even like

765
00:50:22,320 --> 00:50:25,520
Speaker 1: you're having a different bad thought about your partner every day.

766
00:50:25,560 --> 00:50:28,239
Speaker 1: You're having the same bad thought about your partner every day, right,

767
00:50:28,280 --> 00:50:31,279
Speaker 1: So it's it's not even like there's any variety in it.

768
00:50:32,520 --> 00:50:35,239
Speaker 1: But we would rarely have the same good thought every day.

769
00:50:35,520 --> 00:50:37,719
Speaker 1: It's easy to get lazy about saying thank you for

770
00:50:37,760 --> 00:50:40,160
Speaker 1: breakfast every day, even though that happens every day. But

771
00:50:40,239 --> 00:50:42,840
Speaker 1: if someone doesn't clean up every day, that easily becomes

772
00:50:42,840 --> 00:50:45,520
Speaker 1: a recurring thought that causes a lot of pain. I

773
00:50:45,560 --> 00:50:48,120
Speaker 1: want to go more macro. We've been focusing on compliments,

774
00:50:48,120 --> 00:50:51,560
Speaker 1: saying thank you these are incredible insights you've given this book.

775
00:50:51,920 --> 00:50:53,680
Speaker 1: I want to go a bit macro as well and

776
00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:58,759
Speaker 1: zoom out and say, how does someone know if a

777
00:50:58,840 --> 00:51:04,400
Speaker 1: relationship is going to lost and that they feel like

778
00:51:05,080 --> 00:51:08,160
Speaker 1: this relationship has a future? How do you know that?

779
00:51:08,480 --> 00:51:11,960
Speaker 1: Is there a way to know that? Yes? There is,

780
00:51:12,320 --> 00:51:15,560
Speaker 1: and really has to do with commitment and what commitment

781
00:51:15,680 --> 00:51:21,759
Speaker 1: really is. And a woman named Carol Rusbault, who did

782
00:51:21,800 --> 00:51:26,520
Speaker 1: this research for thirty years on commitment, showed that the

783
00:51:26,600 --> 00:51:33,600
Speaker 1: important thing is to cherish what you have and magnify

784
00:51:33,800 --> 00:51:38,440
Speaker 1: what you have in life with this partner, and to

785
00:51:38,640 --> 00:51:43,080
Speaker 1: not constantly make comparisons and think that you can do better.

786
00:51:43,840 --> 00:51:46,840
Speaker 1: So when the chips are down and your partner is

787
00:51:46,920 --> 00:51:50,840
Speaker 1: kind of grumpy and irritable, to focus on you know

788
00:51:51,000 --> 00:51:55,960
Speaker 1: what you have with this person. They're positive qualities turns

789
00:51:56,000 --> 00:51:59,000
Speaker 1: out to be very very important. People who magnify the

790
00:51:59,160 --> 00:52:03,160
Speaker 1: negative in their partner and think after an argument or

791
00:52:03,200 --> 00:52:07,240
Speaker 1: after you know, breakfast doesn't go very well or something

792
00:52:07,680 --> 00:52:12,200
Speaker 1: that they can do better. They're always shopping, They're always

793
00:52:12,280 --> 00:52:17,120
Speaker 1: comparing their partner to real or imagined alternatives. Those people

794
00:52:17,280 --> 00:52:21,640
Speaker 1: have relationships that don't last. And what Karl Rustbo showed

795
00:52:21,880 --> 00:52:25,719
Speaker 1: was that in an argument, you know, when they're unhappy

796
00:52:25,800 --> 00:52:29,000
Speaker 1: with their partner, instead of talking to their partner about

797
00:52:29,040 --> 00:52:32,600
Speaker 1: what they're said about, they talk to somebody else about

798
00:52:33,520 --> 00:52:36,880
Speaker 1: how they're being persecuted in that relationship. They don't go

799
00:52:36,960 --> 00:52:39,480
Speaker 1: to their partner and say, you know, hey, baby, you

800
00:52:39,520 --> 00:52:43,279
Speaker 1: know I really miss you know, having adventures with you.

801
00:52:43,360 --> 00:52:45,000
Speaker 1: We used to do that and we haven't done that

802
00:52:45,040 --> 00:52:47,840
Speaker 1: in a long time. They go to some nice person

803
00:52:47,880 --> 00:52:51,319
Speaker 1: at Starbucks and they say, my partner, you know, she's

804
00:52:51,360 --> 00:52:56,040
Speaker 1: so dull that we don't have adventures, you know. And

805
00:52:56,160 --> 00:53:00,279
Speaker 1: so Carol Rusboll showed that commitment is something that is

806
00:53:00,320 --> 00:53:05,480
Speaker 1: inside you that you can control. You can really focus

807
00:53:05,680 --> 00:53:09,880
Speaker 1: on what you have and how lucky you are to

808
00:53:10,000 --> 00:53:13,080
Speaker 1: have this partner in your life, and then the relationship

809
00:53:13,160 --> 00:53:15,760
Speaker 1: is much more likely to last, particularly if both people

810
00:53:15,760 --> 00:53:18,400
Speaker 1: are doing that. On the other side of that is

811
00:53:18,480 --> 00:53:21,600
Speaker 1: how do I know my partner is going to make

812
00:53:21,640 --> 00:53:25,080
Speaker 1: that commitment? How do I know this relationship is going

813
00:53:25,120 --> 00:53:28,680
Speaker 1: to last? And I think there are some indicators of that.

814
00:53:29,360 --> 00:53:35,080
Speaker 1: You know, one is consistency. Is that person consistently showing up?

815
00:53:36,040 --> 00:53:41,680
Speaker 1: Is that person more or less consistently empathetic with me,

816
00:53:42,800 --> 00:53:48,879
Speaker 1: whether I'm happy, sad, defeated, triumphant. You know, how are

817
00:53:48,920 --> 00:53:52,080
Speaker 1: they responding to these different parts of me? Do they

818
00:53:52,239 --> 00:53:57,120
Speaker 1: seem to treasure these different parts of me that as

819
00:53:57,160 --> 00:54:00,480
Speaker 1: I feel safer and safer, I'm showing more and more.

820
00:54:01,120 --> 00:54:06,440
Speaker 1: Are they allowing themselves to trust me? Are they allowing

821
00:54:06,640 --> 00:54:10,920
Speaker 1: me to hold their heart in my hands because they

822
00:54:10,960 --> 00:54:15,080
Speaker 1: trust me that much and to be vulnerable with me?

823
00:54:16,520 --> 00:54:21,520
Speaker 1: Then you know that's telling you that, Wow, you know,

824
00:54:21,600 --> 00:54:26,880
Speaker 1: this person really does seem to get me. They love

825
00:54:27,200 --> 00:54:30,760
Speaker 1: these different parts of me. They can laugh with me about,

826
00:54:30,760 --> 00:54:33,960
Speaker 1: you know, the crazy parts of me without judging me

827
00:54:34,000 --> 00:54:40,319
Speaker 1: so worshly so And does that happen consistent point? Or

828
00:54:40,440 --> 00:54:43,240
Speaker 1: does something happen where all of a sudden your partner

829
00:54:43,360 --> 00:54:46,200
Speaker 1: ghosts you, or you know, they disappear for a couple

830
00:54:46,200 --> 00:54:49,600
Speaker 1: of weeks and then you ask them, hey, where were you?

831
00:54:49,680 --> 00:54:52,400
Speaker 1: What happened? And they say, oh, you know, I just

832
00:54:53,080 --> 00:54:56,680
Speaker 1: I needed you know whatever, I just needed some space.

833
00:54:57,239 --> 00:55:00,200
Speaker 1: How come they didn't tell you they needed some space

834
00:55:00,680 --> 00:55:03,040
Speaker 1: so that you could talk about that a little bit

835
00:55:03,120 --> 00:55:07,600
Speaker 1: and then provilement with that space with knowledge. The other

836
00:55:07,680 --> 00:55:11,560
Speaker 1: big question is how does that person make you feel

837
00:55:11,600 --> 00:55:16,520
Speaker 1: about yourself. It's not only how you feel about the other,

838
00:55:16,920 --> 00:55:20,400
Speaker 1: but how do they make you feel about yourself. If

839
00:55:20,480 --> 00:55:29,719
Speaker 1: they make you feel valued, feel golden, feel funny, make

840
00:55:29,840 --> 00:55:35,880
Speaker 1: you feel treasured even when you're crabby, and they can

841
00:55:36,320 --> 00:55:39,240
Speaker 1: laugh with you, I think it is a big piece

842
00:55:39,239 --> 00:55:44,719
Speaker 1: of it. Then that relationship looks pretty darned good. That's

843
00:55:44,880 --> 00:55:47,600
Speaker 1: those are some good signs. Let me add something to that.

844
00:55:47,880 --> 00:55:50,640
Speaker 1: You know that you know the phrase don't put all

845
00:55:50,640 --> 00:55:55,799
Speaker 1: your eggs in one basket. Well, a marriage is about

846
00:55:55,840 --> 00:56:00,480
Speaker 1: putting all your eggs in that basket. It's really scary

847
00:56:00,560 --> 00:56:05,280
Speaker 1: to do to really trust in this relationship and invest

848
00:56:05,440 --> 00:56:08,880
Speaker 1: everything in it. That's part of what Carol Rossball taught us.

849
00:56:10,520 --> 00:56:13,600
Speaker 1: When you commit to somebody, you're putting all your eggs

850
00:56:13,640 --> 00:56:19,440
Speaker 1: in that basket. You know that person's help, that person's longevity,

851
00:56:19,520 --> 00:56:24,960
Speaker 1: that person is your treasure. And if they know that

852
00:56:25,440 --> 00:56:29,040
Speaker 1: and you feel that about you know them, that they've

853
00:56:29,080 --> 00:56:32,520
Speaker 1: put all their eggs into this basket, then that relationship

854
00:56:32,600 --> 00:56:36,960
Speaker 1: lasts because something very special has happened. You know, your

855
00:56:37,000 --> 00:56:40,000
Speaker 1: partner is saying you are the love of my life.

856
00:56:40,080 --> 00:56:42,840
Speaker 1: You're it. You know I have nothing to offer anybody else.

857
00:56:42,920 --> 00:56:46,000
Speaker 1: I mean, you have my whole heart for my whole life,

858
00:56:46,760 --> 00:56:51,080
Speaker 1: and that's what makes a relationship last. Yeah. Absolutely. And

859
00:56:51,120 --> 00:56:52,800
Speaker 1: one of the things that comes to my mind is

860
00:56:52,840 --> 00:56:55,839
Speaker 1: that idea that things only lost if you want them

861
00:56:55,880 --> 00:56:58,560
Speaker 1: to and if you make them right. It's like it's

862
00:56:58,600 --> 00:57:01,359
Speaker 1: like me staring at a tree that I love in

863
00:57:01,400 --> 00:57:04,440
Speaker 1: my garden and going like will this tree last? And

864
00:57:04,520 --> 00:57:07,120
Speaker 1: it's like, it's only gonna last if it's taking care

865
00:57:07,160 --> 00:57:10,400
Speaker 1: of It's not just gonna last because it's gonna last.

866
00:57:10,440 --> 00:57:13,080
Speaker 1: And so I think sometimes we ask questions that are

867
00:57:13,160 --> 00:57:16,760
Speaker 1: kind of outside of ourselves, like is this relationship gonna last?

868
00:57:16,800 --> 00:57:19,040
Speaker 1: And it's like, well, it's gonna last if you really

869
00:57:19,080 --> 00:57:20,760
Speaker 1: wanted to, if you're willing to put in the work.

870
00:57:20,800 --> 00:57:22,840
Speaker 1: And so often I think we sit there with that

871
00:57:23,280 --> 00:57:26,200
Speaker 1: checklist of like is my partner loving? Are they understanding?

872
00:57:26,200 --> 00:57:28,160
Speaker 1: Are they this? And it's like, well, are we any

873
00:57:28,200 --> 00:57:30,880
Speaker 1: of those things? Right? Like are we bringing that to

874
00:57:30,920 --> 00:57:34,440
Speaker 1: this relationship or we committed to that? Are we consistent

875
00:57:34,480 --> 00:57:37,400
Speaker 1: in creating adventure if that's what we're missing in the relationship,

876
00:57:37,640 --> 00:57:40,600
Speaker 1: if we're missing a sense of intimacy, are we creating

877
00:57:40,600 --> 00:57:44,720
Speaker 1: opportunities for intimacy? Right? Because if we're not doing all

878
00:57:44,760 --> 00:57:46,880
Speaker 1: of that. We can sit there waiting for someone else

879
00:57:46,880 --> 00:57:50,480
Speaker 1: to have a brain wave. But chances are that what's

880
00:57:50,480 --> 00:57:54,200
Speaker 1: happening in today's society is people are so distracted, bored,

881
00:57:54,920 --> 00:57:58,800
Speaker 1: just dull, or have some numbness to themselves because of

882
00:57:58,840 --> 00:58:02,080
Speaker 1: their own pain in their life that if you're having

883
00:58:02,080 --> 00:58:05,400
Speaker 1: the brain wave, if you're having the intuition, chances are

884
00:58:06,120 --> 00:58:08,400
Speaker 1: you're going to have to inject a bit of that

885
00:58:08,480 --> 00:58:11,840
Speaker 1: into a relationship, you know, rather than hope, wish and

886
00:58:11,920 --> 00:58:14,640
Speaker 1: want and wait for the other person and somehow magically

887
00:58:15,560 --> 00:58:18,360
Speaker 1: create something. And so I, yeah, I really resonate with

888
00:58:18,400 --> 00:58:20,480
Speaker 1: what you said, and that was just what was coming

889
00:58:20,520 --> 00:58:22,960
Speaker 1: in my mind. John and Julie, you've been such a

890
00:58:22,960 --> 00:58:25,959
Speaker 1: pleasure to talk to again today. The book for everyone

891
00:58:25,960 --> 00:58:28,959
Speaker 1: who's been listening is called The Love Prescription. Seven Days

892
00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:33,800
Speaker 1: to More Intimacy Connection and Joy, I highly recommend getting

893
00:58:33,840 --> 00:58:37,240
Speaker 1: this book so you can talk discussed breakdown the seven

894
00:58:37,360 --> 00:58:39,440
Speaker 1: We only dabbled with a few of them today that

895
00:58:39,480 --> 00:58:42,240
Speaker 1: I asked John and Julie to expand upon. And of

896
00:58:42,280 --> 00:58:44,040
Speaker 1: course if you haven't read any of their other work,

897
00:58:44,360 --> 00:58:47,200
Speaker 1: I'm a big fan of all the books from the

898
00:58:47,200 --> 00:58:49,600
Speaker 1: Gottman Institute, so please make sure you check those out

899
00:58:49,600 --> 00:58:52,520
Speaker 1: as well. John and Julie. I'm so grateful to have

900
00:58:52,560 --> 00:58:54,320
Speaker 1: spend this time with you. I think we shared some

901
00:58:54,440 --> 00:58:58,040
Speaker 1: really I really enjoyed this discussion today because I feel like,

902
00:58:59,000 --> 00:59:02,120
Speaker 1: with you being such experts and you get at simplifying things,

903
00:59:02,120 --> 00:59:04,640
Speaker 1: we could go off in so many different tangents and directions.

904
00:59:04,680 --> 00:59:08,600
Speaker 1: We spoke about breakups, we spoke about control and manipulation,

905
00:59:08,760 --> 00:59:11,800
Speaker 1: we talked about dating, we talked about questions. I mean,

906
00:59:11,880 --> 00:59:13,840
Speaker 1: you know, we talked about so many different aspects of

907
00:59:13,840 --> 00:59:16,760
Speaker 1: a relationship. And I thank you both so much for

908
00:59:16,800 --> 00:59:19,640
Speaker 1: your time, your space, and your energy and all the

909
00:59:19,680 --> 00:59:21,920
Speaker 1: best on launching this book. I hope it goes really

910
00:59:22,000 --> 00:59:25,160
Speaker 1: really well and grateful to support you as always. Thank

911
00:59:25,200 --> 00:59:28,640
Speaker 1: you so very much. Jay. I love the wisdom and

912
00:59:28,720 --> 00:59:32,720
Speaker 1: the depth of your questions which you always bring to

913
00:59:33,080 --> 00:59:38,760
Speaker 1: your interviews, and we really love receiving that depth and

914
00:59:40,440 --> 00:59:46,640
Speaker 1: real opportunity to explain all thinking. Thank you, Thank you

915
00:59:46,680 --> 00:59:48,840
Speaker 1: both so much. Thank you. I'm excited to share this

916
00:59:48,880 --> 01:00:01,160
Speaker 1: with everyone. At some point in our lives, we all

917
01:00:01,360 --> 01:00:05,000
Speaker 1: feel lonely. It can be one of the most painful

918
01:00:05,080 --> 01:00:09,960
Speaker 1: things to experience of course, the strongest antidote to loneliness

919
01:00:10,280 --> 01:00:14,400
Speaker 1: can be our relationships. But here's the catch, not all

920
01:00:14,480 --> 01:00:19,120
Speaker 1: relationships actually help. The next seven minutes are about your

921
01:00:19,160 --> 01:00:24,040
Speaker 1: connections and identifying the ones that don't actually serve you.

922
01:00:24,920 --> 01:00:30,360
Speaker 1: I'm Jay Chatty. Welcome to the Daily j First, let's

923
01:00:30,400 --> 01:00:38,360
Speaker 1: center ourselves with three deep breaths inhaling, feeling your energy

924
01:00:38,520 --> 01:00:54,160
Speaker 1: rise and exhaling the tension away, expanding and releasing, bringing

925
01:00:54,200 --> 01:01:01,920
Speaker 1: awareness to this moment and settling in. Now for a

926
01:01:01,960 --> 01:01:07,440
Speaker 1: little story, a traveler is wandering alone in the desert.

927
01:01:08,240 --> 01:01:12,560
Speaker 1: He's lost, he's tired, but most of all, he's parched.

928
01:01:13,440 --> 01:01:19,160
Speaker 1: Then suddenly he encounters a mysterious nomad. Hello, stranger. The

929
01:01:19,240 --> 01:01:23,800
Speaker 1: nomad says, you look thirsty. I can offer you two options.

930
01:01:24,400 --> 01:01:27,760
Speaker 1: The first is cold water, on the condition that you

931
01:01:27,880 --> 01:01:32,360
Speaker 1: help me build a sand castle. The second is this bright,

932
01:01:32,760 --> 01:01:37,760
Speaker 1: sparkling elixir, which you can have for free. The traveler

933
01:01:37,920 --> 01:01:42,520
Speaker 1: is dehydrated and exhausted. He wonders why anyone would do

934
01:01:42,640 --> 01:01:47,320
Speaker 1: work when the elixir is free, So he eagerly drinks

935
01:01:47,440 --> 01:01:52,760
Speaker 1: the turquoise liquid, and it's delicious at first, But after

936
01:01:52,840 --> 01:01:58,240
Speaker 1: a while, the traveler realizes he's still thirsty. In fact,

937
01:01:58,520 --> 01:02:02,560
Speaker 1: he's even thirstier than he was before. The nomad says,

938
01:02:03,040 --> 01:02:06,880
Speaker 1: don't worry, I've got plenty and gives the traveler more

939
01:02:06,920 --> 01:02:11,760
Speaker 1: to drink. He keeps drinking, but it only intensifies his thirst.

940
01:02:12,960 --> 01:02:16,920
Speaker 1: Time passes and the traveler remains stuck in the desert,

941
01:02:17,680 --> 01:02:23,520
Speaker 1: still drinking the elixir and wondering why he has no strength. Now,

942
01:02:23,560 --> 01:02:27,200
Speaker 1: I'd like to tell you about a different traveler. He's

943
01:02:27,240 --> 01:02:31,840
Speaker 1: in the same situation, tired, thirsty, lost. He runs into

944
01:02:31,920 --> 01:02:36,400
Speaker 1: the same mysterious nomad and receives the same two options.

945
01:02:37,040 --> 01:02:41,320
Speaker 1: Build a sand castle for cold water, or drink the elixir.

946
01:02:42,440 --> 01:02:48,520
Speaker 1: Construct a sand castle. He ponders, that takes effort. I

947
01:02:48,560 --> 01:02:51,600
Speaker 1: don't know if I have it in me, but he

948
01:02:51,720 --> 01:02:55,520
Speaker 1: feels like something's off with the elixir, while he knows

949
01:02:55,600 --> 01:02:59,640
Speaker 1: that the water is exactly what he needs. So he

950
01:02:59,680 --> 01:03:04,440
Speaker 1: gets to work, and as promised, he's ultimately rewarded with

951
01:03:04,600 --> 01:03:09,520
Speaker 1: ice cold water. Feeling rejuvenated, he has the strength to

952
01:03:09,600 --> 01:03:12,920
Speaker 1: move forward and find his way out of the desert.

953
01:03:13,720 --> 01:03:19,920
Speaker 1: Time passes, and now he's back home, feasting. Loneliness can

954
01:03:20,000 --> 01:03:23,680
Speaker 1: feel like a desert, a waste land that SAPs you

955
01:03:23,760 --> 01:03:27,640
Speaker 1: of your energy, and when you're looking for connection, it

956
01:03:27,720 --> 01:03:30,520
Speaker 1: can be tempting to rest your head on the first

957
01:03:30,560 --> 01:03:35,040
Speaker 1: shoulder that comes along, but you need to carefully assess

958
01:03:35,560 --> 01:03:39,720
Speaker 1: who they are and what you need. Some people may

959
01:03:39,720 --> 01:03:46,560
Speaker 1: be demanding, others selfish or draining. Some relationships may look appealing,

960
01:03:47,080 --> 01:03:51,560
Speaker 1: but you need to evaluate what's truly nourishing. I know

961
01:03:52,240 --> 01:03:55,600
Speaker 1: it can feel like work to forward the foundation of

962
01:03:55,600 --> 01:04:00,960
Speaker 1: a strong new relationship, especially when you're lonely. The idea

963
01:04:01,120 --> 01:04:06,200
Speaker 1: of building something can seem exhausting, but the results are

964
01:04:06,240 --> 01:04:11,760
Speaker 1: worth it. The right relationships are cold water when you're parched.

965
01:04:12,480 --> 01:04:16,200
Speaker 1: They'll provide you with the strength and nourishment to find

966
01:04:16,280 --> 01:04:20,520
Speaker 1: your way out of the desert. Now, let's take a

967
01:04:20,600 --> 01:04:26,280
Speaker 1: moment to meditate and then reflect on your relationships. Start

968
01:04:26,280 --> 01:04:31,240
Speaker 1: by getting comfortable wherever you are, giving your body permission

969
01:04:31,720 --> 01:04:38,320
Speaker 1: to find a position of ease, closing your eyes if

970
01:04:38,360 --> 01:04:45,040
Speaker 1: that helps you settle in or leaving them open. And

971
01:04:45,160 --> 01:04:48,640
Speaker 1: now I'd like you to scan your body to check

972
01:04:48,720 --> 01:04:53,720
Speaker 1: in with how you're feeling. So bring your attention to

973
01:04:53,840 --> 01:05:02,320
Speaker 1: your head, noticing any sensations there, even the sensation of nothing.

974
01:05:06,440 --> 01:05:13,160
Speaker 1: Move your attention to your face, softening the muscles and

975
01:05:13,320 --> 01:05:23,200
Speaker 1: seeing what you find. Now scanning down your neck and back,

976
01:05:26,800 --> 01:05:33,800
Speaker 1: shifting your awareness to your arms all the way down

977
01:05:34,000 --> 01:05:44,120
Speaker 1: to your fingers. Try opening and closing your hands, observe

978
01:05:44,160 --> 01:05:53,640
Speaker 1: how that feels. Scan down through your legs to your feet,

979
01:05:56,280 --> 01:06:05,120
Speaker 1: even your toes, and finally bring your attention to the

980
01:06:05,280 --> 01:06:15,080
Speaker 1: natural rhythm of your breath. Now, let's open this up.

981
01:06:16,600 --> 01:06:22,040
Speaker 1: Think about the relationships that quench your thirst and those

982
01:06:22,120 --> 01:06:30,160
Speaker 1: that don't. Do you find yourself settling in moments of

983
01:06:30,200 --> 01:06:40,280
Speaker 1: weakness going forward? Can you prioritize the relationships that nourish

984
01:06:40,320 --> 01:06:48,360
Speaker 1: you and avoid the pull of those that don't. Hopefully

985
01:06:48,560 --> 01:06:52,640
Speaker 1: the Daily Jay can help you quench your thirst. Please

986
01:06:52,640 --> 01:06:55,280
Speaker 1: share this message with someone who needs to hear it,

987
01:06:55,720 --> 01:06:56,920
Speaker 1: and I'll see you tomorrow.