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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology.

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Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to

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Speaker 2: the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in

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Speaker 2: the world. I am so glad you are here. Back

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Speaker 2: for another episode as we break down the psychology of

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Speaker 2: our twenties. Today, we are going to talk about quite

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Speaker 2: a special twenty something experience, one I think a lot

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Speaker 2: of us perhaps are looking forward to, maybe even fantasize about,

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Speaker 2: or perhaps it is your reality right now, this is

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Speaker 2: your current situation. You're looking for some tips and a

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Speaker 2: better understanding of the psychological experience that you're going through.

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Speaker 2: What are we talking about Where we're talking about living

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Speaker 2: alone in our twenties. I think about five to ten

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Speaker 2: percent of twenty something year olds live alone, and that

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Speaker 2: is the highest populate, highest in the population except for

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Speaker 2: people over sixty, who often do so in the wake

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Speaker 2: of a divorce or a separation or a death. Whereas

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Speaker 2: people in their twenties are actively choosing this kind of lifestyle.

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Speaker 2: It's really a bit of a rite of passage to

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Speaker 2: say that you lived alone. To have that experience of

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Speaker 2: being completely responsible for your house or your space, your life.

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Speaker 2: It feels very adult, so beyond the days of living

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Speaker 2: with family or friends, and it's also really scary. There

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Speaker 2: are a lot of other factors that come into it, loneliness, financial, anxiety.

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Speaker 2: It's strange, really to be in your twenties and you

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Speaker 2: still in many ways feel somewhat like a child. But

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Speaker 2: when you transition to living alone, it is this very

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Speaker 2: distinct sense of like, oh, this is the moment when

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Speaker 2: I became an adult. Now I have to pay rent,

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Speaker 2: Now I have to decide what to eat for dinner

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Speaker 2: every night, whether the house gets cleaned or not, that's

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Speaker 2: on you. And it's this level of responsibility but also

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Speaker 2: independence that feels very serious and very sacred. I think

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Speaker 2: living alone in your twenties is so much more than

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Speaker 2: just getting to decorate your own space or recharging on

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Speaker 2: your own playing your music as loud as you want.

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Speaker 2: It is this very privileged journey that also contains a

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Speaker 2: lot of psychological growth and answering a lot of core

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Speaker 2: questions about who you are, like how much social connection

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Speaker 2: do I really need. What are the fears that I'm

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Speaker 2: going to have to face when I'm not constantly surrounded

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Speaker 2: by people, How am I going to pay all of

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Speaker 2: my bills? Like everything in life, every decision we make

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Speaker 2: pros and cons, and I think underneath it, there's even

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Speaker 2: more psychology that is influencing our decision and our experience,

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Speaker 2: and when it comes to living alone in your twenties,

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Speaker 2: that is also the case. So that's what we're going

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Speaker 2: to talk about today. Why, like, what are some of

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Speaker 2: the things that people worry about, what are some of

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Speaker 2: the concerns, but also what does psychology and some research

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Speaker 2: have to say about many of the benefits and how

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Speaker 2: to successfully embrace the solitude of living alone so that

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Speaker 2: you don't feel isolated, so that you don't feel overwhelmed,

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Speaker 2: so that you don't feel I guess, lonely. That's basically

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Speaker 2: the agenda for today's episode. Now, this is coming in

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Speaker 2: an amazing time for me. Obviously I pick the episode topics.

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Speaker 2: So it's no coincidence that we're talking about this this

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Speaker 2: week because I draw so much inspiration for this podcast

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Speaker 2: on my own life as someone who is right in

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Speaker 2: the middle of their twenties. I have recently just moved

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Speaker 2: into my own place after about almost eight years of

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Speaker 2: living in union accommodation and sharehouses. It has been the

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Speaker 2: most liberating but also scary transition, because it is this

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Speaker 2: complete shift from always having someone around, someone to talk to,

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Speaker 2: to being basically alone for like seventy eighty percent of

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Speaker 2: the day. And especially because I work for myself and

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Speaker 2: I work from home, I don't have the typical work schedule,

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Speaker 2: specifically like I don't have an office to go into

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Speaker 2: every day. I don't have a regular work routine, regular

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Speaker 2: exposure to colleagues and the same people, and that was

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Speaker 2: a big source of fear for me in making this decision.

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Speaker 2: I think the nature of working for yourself and then

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Speaker 2: also living by yourself is that you're kind of denying

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Speaker 2: yourself a great deal of incidental social interaction that most

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Speaker 2: people w would get from their nine to fives all

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Speaker 2: of their roommates. So I'm also someone who is very extroverted,

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Speaker 2: which I know means I needed a great deal more

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Speaker 2: social interaction, you know, being an extroverted individual, I draw

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Speaker 2: energy from others rather than from solitude, and it was

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Speaker 2: definitely something I found difficult both when I moved to

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Speaker 2: Sydney and when I quit my full time job last year,

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Speaker 2: so I was not naive about the challenges and also

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Speaker 2: my particular sensitivity to loneliness. I'm gonna put it that way. However,

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Speaker 2: I also know I knew at the time when I

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Speaker 2: was making this decision that A I needed the space.

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Speaker 2: I needed more room because I was working, living, doing

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Speaker 2: everything out of one tiny room in my old house,

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Speaker 2: and it was kind of beginning to blur the lines

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Speaker 2: of like leisure and like sleeping and then like work time.

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Speaker 2: And also I wanted the freedom to do what I

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Speaker 2: wanted with my own space, keep it as clean or

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Speaker 2: unclean as I wanted. And more importantly, it was that

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Speaker 2: sensitivity and fear of loneliness that was actually both a

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Speaker 2: consequence in somewhat of a benefit or an allure or

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Speaker 2: a challenge for me. For so long, probably since I

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Speaker 2: was a child, I've had this intense dread about feeling lonely,

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Speaker 2: not even about being lonely, about not even about being alone,

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Speaker 2: but feeling lonely, and it's one of the things I

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Speaker 2: fear most in the world, to the point where it's

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Speaker 2: highly irrational. It's probably more like a phobia like autophobia,

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Speaker 2: and it's kept me from doing a lot of things

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Speaker 2: that I've wanted to do in my life. It's really

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Speaker 2: paralyzed me at times. It's caused me to pursue bad friendships,

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Speaker 2: stay in terrible relationships, say no to opportunities because I

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Speaker 2: was terrified of what it would mean to be lonely

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Speaker 2: in new place, what that would mean for my mental

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Speaker 2: well being. And I think I'd had it in my

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Speaker 2: mind that I wanted to live alone for a while,

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Speaker 2: but the one thing that was kind of standing in

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Speaker 2: my way was am I going to feel lonely? And

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Speaker 2: I didn't want my fear of loneliness to prevent me

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Speaker 2: from entering this next chapter. From entering this next chapter

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Speaker 2: very much willingly. I had like a conversation with my

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Speaker 2: boyfriend about this at the start of the year where

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Speaker 2: we were basically like, do we just move in together

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Speaker 2: because both our circumstances were changing. It just kind of

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Speaker 2: seemed like the natural thing to do. But personally, I

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Speaker 2: knew that I needed to have the experience of living

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Speaker 2: alone for a year before living with him, because it

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Speaker 2: was going to be this like perfect exposure therapy to

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Speaker 2: solitude and getting comfortable in my own company and the

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Speaker 2: silence that comes with it. I didn't want to, you know,

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Speaker 2: move from living with my parents to living with roommates

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Speaker 2: to living with my boyfriend and never have experienced the

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Speaker 2: space and the time to just be alone and what

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Speaker 2: that experience would constitute and bring. I think if I

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Speaker 2: was just to move in with him, which I definitely

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Speaker 2: want to do in the future, I would just be

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Speaker 2: using him as a crutch to avoid a very lifelong

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Speaker 2: fear of mine. Also, when it comes to moving in

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Speaker 2: with a partner, there is this really fascinating research paper

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Speaker 2: from twenty thirteen that just kept going over and over

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Speaker 2: in my mind about the difference between sliders and deciders

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Speaker 2: in relationships. So many couples slide into rather than decide

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Speaker 2: these big decisions, these important life transitions. They slide into

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Speaker 2: moving in together, they slide into getting engaged, they slide

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Speaker 2: into having kids. And what that means is that instead

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Speaker 2: of making a conscious to decision to do something, they

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Speaker 2: do what is most convenient and what just seems like

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Speaker 2: the next step, rather than what might be best for

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Speaker 2: their relationship. So, using the example of moving in, this

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Speaker 2: incredible article by Psychology Today talks about it like this,

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Speaker 2: you know, it all starts with having a few pieces

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Speaker 2: of clothes at your partner's place, where you all have

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Speaker 2: those you know, a little draw that's next. Then you

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Speaker 2: start staying over a few nights a week, and then

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Speaker 2: you know, it's kind of more like five to six days.

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Speaker 2: All your stuff is at their house. You've got the

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Speaker 2: dedicated drawer in the bedroom and the bathroom, And before

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Speaker 2: realizing it, and without actually having a thoughtful discussion, you

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Speaker 2: basically ended up living together. And when someone's lease is

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Speaker 2: up for renewal, it just kind of seems easiest to

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Speaker 2: just officially move in together, even though at no point

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Speaker 2: have you made a conscious decision. You've slided, You've slid

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Speaker 2: into this reality. You've slid into this present choice that

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Speaker 2: you're making now. Sometimes this is the best decision. And

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Speaker 2: I'm sure me and my partner would be fine if

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Speaker 2: we live together, because we've had serious discussions about it,

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Speaker 2: we know that we want to do it. But often

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Speaker 2: the easiest decision is the one that requires the least

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Speaker 2: deliberate and conscious choice, and that was the case with

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Speaker 2: moving in together. It would be easiest because we would

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Speaker 2: save on rent because we already basically lived together all

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Speaker 2: of these things. But I didn't want to kind of

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Speaker 2: wake up in five years and be like, hey, did

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Speaker 2: we actually choose our relationship, do we actually choose our

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Speaker 2: current reality? Or was it just a whole bunch of

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Speaker 2: easy choices? And this can lead to what the authors

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Speaker 2: of this paper call relationship inertia or insecurity, whereby because

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Speaker 2: you've made all these easy decisions without thinking about them,

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Speaker 2: you're suddenly at a point where you're into deep and

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Speaker 2: you feel like you can't start again. Once you live together,

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Speaker 2: where you may as well get a pet, and once

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Speaker 2: you have a pet, well don't most people you know

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Speaker 2: get engaged and then they have a wedding and then

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Speaker 2: they have kids. Suddenly you're at this point where you've

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Speaker 2: never really made a conscious decision when it comes to

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Speaker 2: these big life choices and decisions. And that was like

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Speaker 2: a huge thing that was going on in my brain

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Speaker 2: when I was making the decision to live alone, was like,

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Speaker 2: I really want my relationship to last, and so this

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Speaker 2: living by myself, although it doesn't feel like our relationship

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Speaker 2: is speeding up, it's probably going to give it more

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Speaker 2: room to grow into the future because it's going to

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Speaker 2: allow me to be my own person independently in this moment,

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Speaker 2: in this time when I want to have more kind

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Speaker 2: of experiences and moments of solitude, And it's going to

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Speaker 2: mean that when we are ready to move in together,

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Speaker 2: we are like fully ready, we're fully committed to the idea.

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Speaker 2: So living alone actually worked out well. My boyfriend was

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Speaker 2: actually able to move into my old place, which is

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Speaker 2: just like the best coincidence. There are some other factors

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Speaker 2: that motivated me and I'm sure others to want to

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Speaker 2: live alone in their twenties as well. The biggest one

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Speaker 2: is freedom. You're at this point where the things that

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Speaker 2: you used to feel very nonchalant about, like your sleep schedule,

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Speaker 2: your routine, the messiness of your living environment, even the

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Speaker 2: temperature of your house, the noise, all of those things

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Speaker 2: now suddenly feel very important. I think that as a

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Speaker 2: big transition in our mid twenties, in particular, that shift

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Speaker 2: from being very chaotic and easygoing and accepting of these

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Speaker 2: things and you know, not really having any non negotiables

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Speaker 2: when it comes to our living space, to being very

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Speaker 2: serious about them and recognizing their importance for our mental

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Speaker 2: wellbeing and no longer willing to make compromises in a

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Speaker 2: shared living situation. When I was nineteen living at UNI,

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Speaker 2: I didn't care if I went to bed at ten

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Speaker 2: pm or two am. I didn't care if someone's music

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Speaker 2: was keeping me up. I didn't care if my kitchen

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Speaker 2: was a mess. Now, though I cannot imagine getting less

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Speaker 2: than eight hours sleep, I don't want to live in

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Speaker 2: filth because I have stuff to do and I want

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Speaker 2: to be my best for that, and that means having

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Speaker 2: more control over my living environment. And this really highlights

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Speaker 2: than the importance of agency in controlling our environment, especially

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Speaker 2: when it comes to our mental wellbeing. Your home is

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Speaker 2: your place of comfort and security if fulfills a very

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Speaker 2: deep psychological need we have for safety and belonging. When

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Speaker 2: that is compromised by people who also share that environment

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Speaker 2: and don't have the same values, don't respect your space,

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Speaker 2: don't respect your boundaries, maybe your living styles are just

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Speaker 2: not aligned. That can be really difficult and honestly very stressful.

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Speaker 2: We actually talked about this in our episode on roommates

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Speaker 2: and share houses. But when you don't feel like you

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Speaker 2: can relax or do what you need to do in

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Speaker 2: your home, it is a huge cumulative stress factor. Means

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Speaker 2: means you begin to become very avoidant of your living environment.

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Speaker 2: You don't want to go home, you don't want to

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Speaker 2: use the communal spaces, and that creates a lot of stress,

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Speaker 2: a huge cortisol spike because you never actually have the

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Speaker 2: opportunity or the space to relax. It puts a strain

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Speaker 2: on your relationship, It puts a strain on your health,

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Speaker 2: amongst so many other things. So I don't think it's

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Speaker 2: a surprise when we hear people say, you know, the

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Speaker 2: reason I live alone is I just didn't want to

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Speaker 2: live with roommates anymore. I was done sharing a space,

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Speaker 2: even if it costs me more. There's also the fact

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Speaker 2: that when you live with other people, the responsibility to

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Speaker 2: maintain a house is diffused across a number of people,

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Speaker 2: sometimes two, sometimes even four or five. That diffusion creates

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Speaker 2: a bit of a morality crisis where no one wants

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Speaker 2: to do the chores because they know that no one

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Speaker 2: else is going to do them, and so why would

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Speaker 2: they do them if no one else is going to

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Speaker 2: do do them? But then everyone has that belief. It's

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Speaker 2: called the tragedy of the commons, whereby when we have

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Speaker 2: this common space, this shared asset like a home, like

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Speaker 2: a living environment. Everyone benefits from using it more and

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Speaker 2: from you know, keeping it clean, but no one wants

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Speaker 2: to be the first one to do so. So I

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Speaker 2: think that after a while, you get pretty fed up

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Speaker 2: with that being the case, and it's time to, you know,

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Speaker 2: pursue an environment where you are the only one who

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Speaker 2: benefits and the only one who has to contribute. Now,

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Speaker 2: there was another thing that I said here that I

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Speaker 2: think is important, and that is you're prepared to do

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Speaker 2: that even if it costs you more. There is something

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Speaker 2: to consider in that, and that is the contribute, the

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Speaker 2: contribution of feeling financially secure in our decision to live alone.

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Speaker 2: If you've had a big income increase, one of the

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Speaker 2: main ways you want to spend that month is where

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Speaker 2: you spend your time, i e. Your home, your living environment.

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Speaker 2: And with increased financial freedom, we might be more persuaded

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Speaker 2: by kind of the luxury of having our own space.

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Speaker 2: And it is definitely a luxury in this day and age.

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Speaker 2: Cost of living is no joke. I think I was

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Speaker 2: going to inspections for one bedroom apartments that were in

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Speaker 2: almost unlivable and they were upwards of three thousand dollars

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Speaker 2: a month, and then you know, you don't even get

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Speaker 2: that because people often offer more because there is such

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Speaker 2: a shortage of viable properties in so many cities around

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Speaker 2: the world. And I think that we have to be

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Speaker 2: careful in those situations where, of course we are willing

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Speaker 2: to make the decision consciously that we are going to

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Speaker 2: pay more to have the luxury and the benefit and

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Speaker 2: the liberation and the freedom of living by ourselves, but

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Speaker 2: slowly what we see is ourselves pushing up that budget

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Speaker 2: by ten dollars, twenty dollars, fifty dollars and trying to

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Speaker 2: find ways to justify that. Because we are so enamored

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Speaker 2: by the idea of having our own space and having

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Speaker 2: all that freedom that we don't actually consciously or deliberately

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Speaker 2: think about how much money we are really spending. And

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Speaker 2: that raises an important experience, an idea that I see

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Speaker 2: a lot amongst fellow people in their twenties. It's this

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Speaker 2: idea known as a lifestyle creep, which we are seeing

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Speaker 2: more and more of, especially due to increasing inflation. So

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Speaker 2: lifestyle creep is this common pattern of spending more money

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Speaker 2: as you earn more money, but actually spending more proportionately

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Speaker 2: on things that you don't really need. Now, I am

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Speaker 2: not a finance expert, although I do actually have an

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Speaker 2: economics degory, which is a little known fact. And when

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Speaker 2: I was studying economics, there was so many applications to psychology,

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Speaker 2: and one of those applications is these cognitive biases that

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Speaker 2: cause us to spend more money than we actually want to.

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Speaker 2: This set of illusions that makes us feel more comfortable

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Speaker 2: with spending money that if someone walked up to you

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Speaker 2: on the street and said give me a thousand dollars,

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Speaker 2: you're not going to give them a thousand dollars, but

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Speaker 2: you would happily give away one thousand dollars for something

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Speaker 2: that you really want, even if it doesn't bring you

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Speaker 2: the same level of happiness as it would to do

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Speaker 2: something else with that money. That is an example of

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Speaker 2: an illusion that creates over spending and lifestyle creep is

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Speaker 2: a combination of those illusions, including a restraint bias having

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Speaker 2: more and therefore wanting more and spending more. Also the

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Speaker 2: overconfidence bias, whereby once you start making a certain amount

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Speaker 2: of money, you think you'll always be able to make

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Speaker 2: that same amount or even more, and that causes you

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Speaker 2: to start spending based on what you believe your future

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Speaker 2: income is going to be not what you currently have.

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Speaker 2: Lifestyle creep. It typically occurs after someone gets a raise,

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Speaker 2: or you get a new job with a higher income,

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Speaker 2: you pay off some debt, we see more money in

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Speaker 2: our bank account and we spend it, especially on discretionary items,

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Speaker 2: and that seems very natural, right, But lifestyle creep is

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Speaker 2: also known as silent inflation. One hundred thousand dollars now

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Speaker 2: is not the same as one hundred thousand dollars five

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Speaker 2: years ago. It is still a lot of money. But

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Speaker 2: when we first start working, perhaps that was five years ago,

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Speaker 2: four years ago, we normally had the expenses that we

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Speaker 2: had during UNI, so our income felt very proportionate to

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Speaker 2: what we wanted to spend money on. As our income

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Speaker 2: has slowly increased, as has how many nicer products we get,

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Speaker 2: name bound products we get, and because of an increased

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Speaker 2: cost of living as well. When we started working, perhaps

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Speaker 2: our career goal was to make it to one hundred K.

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Speaker 2: That does not have the same buying power as it

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Speaker 2: did five, six, seven years ago. So we're actually spending

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Speaker 2: from a place of delusion, spending from a place of

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Speaker 2: cognitive bias, and not clearly seeing how we're spending money.

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Speaker 2: Another illusion of this kind is known as the present bias,

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Speaker 2: which means exactly what it sounds like. Many people make

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Speaker 2: spending decisions based on the present without thinking of the future.

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Speaker 2: They only want to fulfill their current urge or desire.

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Speaker 2: In this case, you might be really invested in the

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Speaker 2: idea of living alone, of having your own space, even

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Speaker 2: if it means that you might jeopardize your long term

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Speaker 2: ability to save by spending more on rent than you

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Speaker 2: are actually prepared to do. Or it might mean that

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Speaker 2: you're so invested in this idea of having this experience

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Speaker 2: of living alone that you don't realize that you can

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Speaker 2: really only afford it for a year before you have

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Speaker 2: to go back to sharing a house. That can get

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Speaker 2: us in some trouble. But ultimately, if you follow the

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Speaker 2: rule that your rent should not be more than a

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Speaker 2: third of your income, I always like to stick to

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Speaker 2: a quarter just to be safe, you should be okay.

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Speaker 2: I think it's very easy to get wrapped up in

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Speaker 2: the romantic version of what living alone could be, you know,

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Speaker 2: could look like for us. I'm definitely someone who got

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Speaker 2: very wrapped up in that idea before I did it,

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Speaker 2: especially when we see so many depictions in TV shows

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Speaker 2: and movies. Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City is

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Speaker 2: the prime example. Also people online who just seem to

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Speaker 2: be absolutely living the dream. It's easy to get carried

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Speaker 2: away in that, but I also think we need to

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Speaker 2: be quite skeptical. So I want to talk about some

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Speaker 2: of the potential downsides slash factors for your consideration, and

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Speaker 2: also some of the solutions to those factors and those problems.

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Speaker 2: After this shortbreak, whilst I was applying for places to live,

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Speaker 2: which was a nightmare in itself, just given the general

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Speaker 2: lack of housing, affordability and security in major cities. Whilst

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Speaker 2: I was doing that, though, the main thing things plural

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Speaker 2: that people asked me about were aren't you scared you'll

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Speaker 2: get lonely? How are you going to afford this? And

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Speaker 2: aren't you scared? What about personal security? What if someone

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Speaker 2: breaks in there's no one to help you. These all

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Speaker 2: get to our major fears about living alone, real or perceived,

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Speaker 2: and what it is. What it comes down to is security,

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Speaker 2: having enough of what we need when we want it,

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Speaker 2: whether that's social interaction, money, or safety, feeling like we

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Speaker 2: are able to fulfill our very basic desires and like

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Speaker 2: kind of basic needs, like we need a level of

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Speaker 2: social interaction, we need a level of money to survive,

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Speaker 2: we need a level of security to sleep well at night.

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Speaker 2: The first one, I think is the one that most

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Speaker 2: people think of or are scared of, which is what

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Speaker 2: the solitude of living alone might bring. We need social connection.

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Speaker 2: I think that's especially the case in our twenties, when

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Speaker 2: so many of our lifelong social bonds are forming. We

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Speaker 2: are so used to being surrounded by people, or at

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Speaker 2: least seeing depictions of this being the case. Social isolation

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Speaker 2: and loneliness pose risks to health and well being. We

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Speaker 2: know that very well, and some studies even suggest it

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Speaker 2: can be as life limiting as behaviors like smoking. We

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Speaker 2: have evolved to be creatures who need community in order

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Speaker 2: to exist, survive, and thrive, so when we don't have

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Speaker 2: easy access to that, it can bleed into all other

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Speaker 2: areas of our lives. I think equally, each of us

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Speaker 2: has a different threshold for the level of daily, maybe

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Speaker 2: weekly interaction that we need. That threshold is highly subjective

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Speaker 2: and it's determined by a number of factors, including extroversion

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Speaker 2: versus introversion, but also what you're used to your baseline

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00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:02,040
Speaker 2: level or need for inter I am someone who has

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00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:06,320
Speaker 2: a high threshold that I need to meet to feel satisfied,

399
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:10,440
Speaker 2: meaning that I understand, and I understood before I moved

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Speaker 2: into my own place, that I was going to need

401
00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:15,160
Speaker 2: to see people at least like four to five times

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Speaker 2: a week. If you are moving from a huge community

403
00:24:18,119 --> 00:24:20,440
Speaker 2: of friends in a big sharehouse where you all get

404
00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:25,520
Speaker 2: along and do everything together, your baseline, your threshold is

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00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:27,320
Speaker 2: going to be really high, and it's going to be

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00:24:27,359 --> 00:24:31,520
Speaker 2: really disturbed by a move like moving into a place

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Speaker 2: an apartment on the other side of town. The effects

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00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,560
Speaker 2: of that are going to be more drastic than someone

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00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:41,159
Speaker 2: who is living alone in the same neighborhood as their friends,

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00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,919
Speaker 2: or who maybe went from living with just one roommate

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00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:46,400
Speaker 2: who they weren't really close to to living alone. It's

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00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:50,720
Speaker 2: all really based on your circumstances. However, I think it's

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00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:54,040
Speaker 2: a big misconception that being by yourself means that you

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00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:59,480
Speaker 2: are inherently lonely just because social interaction isn't as convenient

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00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:03,000
Speaker 2: to you. Community doesn't need to exist all in the

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00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:06,879
Speaker 2: same place or space to be fulfilling. One of the

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00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:09,320
Speaker 2: major things I considered were moving into my own place.

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00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:12,680
Speaker 2: Was whether I had the community to sustain this decision,

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Speaker 2: Whether I was comfortable enough in my friendships that I

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00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:19,040
Speaker 2: knew they could support me through what would be maybe

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00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:22,800
Speaker 2: a difficult adjustment period. Given that I wasn't best of

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00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:25,480
Speaker 2: friends with my old roommates as lovely as they are,

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00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:29,680
Speaker 2: and that all my close friends were already beyond my

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00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:33,800
Speaker 2: home environment, I felt more comfortable making this choice. Many

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00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:37,879
Speaker 2: people who live alone are not socially isolated or lonely.

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Speaker 2: In fact, people who live alone across all ages are

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00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:45,760
Speaker 2: actually typically more connected to other people. That's what one sociologist,

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00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:50,080
Speaker 2: his name is Aaron Kleinberg he discovered this. He was

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00:25:50,119 --> 00:25:52,159
Speaker 2: doing a lot of research into this for his book

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Speaker 2: Going Solo, trying to dispel the idea that living alone

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00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:58,800
Speaker 2: meant that you were lonely. And what he realized is

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00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:02,879
Speaker 2: that people who live by themselves have an incentive to

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00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:06,959
Speaker 2: be deliberate about when they see people, the frequency and

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00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:11,080
Speaker 2: the quality of those interactions. That means they get more

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00:26:11,119 --> 00:26:13,920
Speaker 2: out of the times they do see people, and they're

436
00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:18,840
Speaker 2: actually energized by those situations, rather than having these like

437
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:22,119
Speaker 2: incidental run ins with people in their house, seeing the

438
00:26:22,119 --> 00:26:26,240
Speaker 2: same people all the time, and those interactions not necessarily

439
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:29,800
Speaker 2: being completely fulfilling, not giving us a lot of energy,

440
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:33,720
Speaker 2: but they're just there, right. I imagine this of like I'll

441
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:36,919
Speaker 2: use the roommate example again. You know, you might feel

442
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,280
Speaker 2: like you're seeing people more because you are seeing people

443
00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:42,160
Speaker 2: more frequently. You're running into them in the kitchen, you're

444
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:45,240
Speaker 2: watching a movie together, you're going to the grocery store.

445
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,680
Speaker 2: But the quality of those interactions might not be as

446
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:52,000
Speaker 2: good as if every second night you went and had

447
00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:55,600
Speaker 2: like quality, serious quality time with a friend of yours.

448
00:26:56,200 --> 00:27:00,200
Speaker 2: One challenge, though, is to actually give yourself the time

449
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:02,600
Speaker 2: to be alone. We often face a lot of pressure

450
00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:05,880
Speaker 2: to be constantly on and to be really filling our

451
00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:09,040
Speaker 2: time with social activities when we live alone, to always

452
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:14,040
Speaker 2: have external stimuli, but embracing moments of solitude is important.

453
00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:17,560
Speaker 2: Otherwise you're not going to see the benefits of this decision.

454
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:21,720
Speaker 2: You still need to recharge your batteries to tap into

455
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:25,600
Speaker 2: your creativity to sit with yourself as much as you

456
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:27,919
Speaker 2: would need to do if you lived with other people.

457
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:32,399
Speaker 2: I think our basis for believing we will feel lonely

458
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:35,320
Speaker 2: if we live alone comes from a lot of studies

459
00:27:35,359 --> 00:27:39,040
Speaker 2: on people who perhaps are a lot older than their twenties,

460
00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:41,879
Speaker 2: or on people who didn't feel like they had a

461
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:45,440
Speaker 2: choice in living alone, maybe they had to move into

462
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:49,120
Speaker 2: their own place after a breakup or an unexpected divorce

463
00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:53,800
Speaker 2: or death. When we go and look at studies that

464
00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:59,600
Speaker 2: actually take into account people's preferences for their living environment,

465
00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:02,600
Speaker 2: whether they want to live alone or with other people,

466
00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:06,520
Speaker 2: and they match those preferences to their reality, we see

467
00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:11,760
Speaker 2: something very different. We see that, in particular, people who

468
00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:14,800
Speaker 2: are living alone because they want to live alone and

469
00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:18,239
Speaker 2: very different from those who are living alone reluctantly. They

470
00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:20,800
Speaker 2: are a lot happier. They see a lot more of

471
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:24,800
Speaker 2: the mental health and emotional health benefits compared to someone

472
00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:27,760
Speaker 2: who feels like they're living alone because they don't have

473
00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:33,119
Speaker 2: a choice. I also think, actually I know from personal experience,

474
00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:37,000
Speaker 2: that one big myth we have about loneliness is that

475
00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:40,800
Speaker 2: it's something that happens to us and we have no

476
00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:44,040
Speaker 2: control over it. I think that's also incorrect. We have

477
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:49,200
Speaker 2: a lot more control over our experience of loneliness, whether

478
00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:51,920
Speaker 2: we fear it or run towards it, than we think,

479
00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:55,280
Speaker 2: and people who live alone often have a better relationship

480
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:59,120
Speaker 2: with that feeling because they understand firstly that it's something

481
00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:02,080
Speaker 2: you have to get comfortab with, that sometimes it's unavoidable,

482
00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:06,760
Speaker 2: and secondly that loneliness is nothing more than a signal

483
00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:10,280
Speaker 2: to reach out and connect, the same way hunger tells

484
00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:14,080
Speaker 2: us to eat or thirst tells us to drink. People

485
00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:17,280
Speaker 2: who live alone know it's true, meaning they know that

486
00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:21,120
Speaker 2: it's just a messenger, and therefore they initiate more protective

487
00:29:21,120 --> 00:29:25,240
Speaker 2: actions like making weekly plans, joining a social sport team

488
00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:29,440
Speaker 2: compared to those who may have inbuilt company. Doesn't mean

489
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:32,200
Speaker 2: it doesn't get lonely at times. The first night I

490
00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:35,920
Speaker 2: spent alone in my new place, I was super anxious

491
00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:40,000
Speaker 2: and felt super odd and super strange. But everything is

492
00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:43,520
Speaker 2: a trade off. Sometimes you have to lose something to

493
00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:47,320
Speaker 2: gain something better, and I think that applies to everything

494
00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:50,400
Speaker 2: in life, not just our living environment. You might lose

495
00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:54,600
Speaker 2: convenience and a certain baseline level of social interaction and

496
00:29:54,680 --> 00:29:57,360
Speaker 2: run ins that you're used to, but you also gain

497
00:29:57,400 --> 00:30:01,920
Speaker 2: a lot of freedom and independence. It's about recognizing which

498
00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:05,080
Speaker 2: of those things is more important to you, which of

499
00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:07,880
Speaker 2: them you value. It also means that you get to

500
00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:09,959
Speaker 2: have people over whenever you want, for as long as

501
00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:12,080
Speaker 2: you want, they can have a sleepover. It no one,

502
00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:15,640
Speaker 2: You don't need to get anyone's permission. It actually might

503
00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:18,720
Speaker 2: even make seeing your friends easier because you can do

504
00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:21,000
Speaker 2: it in the environment that you want to do it

505
00:30:21,040 --> 00:30:23,640
Speaker 2: in without having to ask other people. I also think

506
00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:27,320
Speaker 2: that in that solitude, even when you don't have people around,

507
00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:31,160
Speaker 2: you get to be more authentic, more responsible, more conscientious,

508
00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:35,080
Speaker 2: perhaps even more feeling more in touch with your emotions

509
00:30:35,120 --> 00:30:38,120
Speaker 2: because there are less distractions that you can go and

510
00:30:38,160 --> 00:30:41,160
Speaker 2: seek out. So, now that we've dispelled some of the

511
00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:44,720
Speaker 2: fears talked about, some of the perhaps downside, some of

512
00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:47,560
Speaker 2: the things that we've been told to be wary of

513
00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:50,080
Speaker 2: when it comes to living alone, I actually want to

514
00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:53,280
Speaker 2: give you some final tips for doing this successfully. How

515
00:30:53,280 --> 00:30:58,480
Speaker 2: can we successfully embrace solitude? Embrace like the absolute luxury

516
00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:01,960
Speaker 2: and privilege of getting our own space, of having this freedom,

517
00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:06,680
Speaker 2: of having this independence, of having this time and this

518
00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:11,440
Speaker 2: moment to unwind to really learn ourselves better. Some of

519
00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:15,320
Speaker 2: these tips are psychological, but they're also practical, because that

520
00:31:15,480 --> 00:31:18,360
Speaker 2: is the balance we always like to strike. And I've

521
00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:20,400
Speaker 2: gotten these from other people that I know who've been

522
00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:23,080
Speaker 2: doing this a lot longer than I have. But also

523
00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:26,360
Speaker 2: just from my recent experience and what I've found has

524
00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:29,720
Speaker 2: been helping when I've felt lonely, when i felt a

525
00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:33,600
Speaker 2: little bit scared, when i felt a little bit overwhelmed. Firstly,

526
00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:39,000
Speaker 2: create a routine. Having a daily routine can provide structure

527
00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:44,720
Speaker 2: and stability, and that reduces feelings of uncertainty. Uncertainty is

528
00:31:44,760 --> 00:31:47,920
Speaker 2: a big source of stress, especially when you're in a

529
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:52,640
Speaker 2: transitionary period of having just moved in. Everything else feels new,

530
00:31:52,800 --> 00:31:55,960
Speaker 2: and sometimes you need something to feel consistent. You need

531
00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:58,920
Speaker 2: something to commit yourself to so that you don't just

532
00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:01,440
Speaker 2: feel wrapped up in a lot of the fear. It

533
00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:04,040
Speaker 2: could be a weekly routine, not even a daily routine,

534
00:32:04,560 --> 00:32:08,080
Speaker 2: one that you know hopefully involves something social like Mondays,

535
00:32:08,120 --> 00:32:11,560
Speaker 2: I go to run club. Tuesdays am a chill day. Wednesday,

536
00:32:11,560 --> 00:32:14,920
Speaker 2: I make plans to see a friend, etcetera, etcetera. So

537
00:32:15,680 --> 00:32:19,520
Speaker 2: you're not stressing about being forced to be alone or

538
00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:22,080
Speaker 2: being forced to feel bored when you don't have to,

539
00:32:22,200 --> 00:32:25,160
Speaker 2: because you know that you have some structure to your days,

540
00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:29,360
Speaker 2: some structure to your weeks. Secondly, and this is probably

541
00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:34,000
Speaker 2: my favorite tip, build community in as many ways as possible,

542
00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:37,240
Speaker 2: even if it feels small. I think we often think

543
00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:40,080
Speaker 2: of community as having a huge network of friends that

544
00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:42,880
Speaker 2: we call on every single day, but actually going to

545
00:32:42,960 --> 00:32:45,840
Speaker 2: the same grocery store, going to the same gym class

546
00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:50,400
Speaker 2: the same time each week, the same cafe, introducing yourself

547
00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:54,480
Speaker 2: to your neighbors. Those are important social touch points that

548
00:32:54,520 --> 00:32:59,640
Speaker 2: are really valuable and protective and provide that necessary sense

549
00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:02,360
Speaker 2: of belonging even if you don't have a large network

550
00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:04,920
Speaker 2: of friends, even if you are in a huge city.

551
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:08,640
Speaker 2: It's nice to feel seen, to feel like you exist,

552
00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:12,160
Speaker 2: even if you aren't seeing people as much as you'd like,

553
00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:16,600
Speaker 2: and it just, honestly, it's such a positive experience to

554
00:33:16,600 --> 00:33:18,720
Speaker 2: be able to be like, oh, have your neighbor's number,

555
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:21,480
Speaker 2: text them for a cup of sugar, go and knock

556
00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:23,600
Speaker 2: on their door to tell them you're having people over,

557
00:33:23,880 --> 00:33:26,880
Speaker 2: invite them for a wine. It's actually was a huge

558
00:33:26,920 --> 00:33:30,600
Speaker 2: part of when I first moved to Sydney was being

559
00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:33,719
Speaker 2: super friendly with my neighbors and they were so so lovely,

560
00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:36,480
Speaker 2: and it was so nice to sometimes be walking back

561
00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:38,640
Speaker 2: from the train after a really long day at work

562
00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:41,440
Speaker 2: feeling like I didn't belong and just there's someone there

563
00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:43,880
Speaker 2: who knows who you are who's gonna wave high to

564
00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:46,760
Speaker 2: you while they're going up the street. I also think

565
00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:50,000
Speaker 2: be open with your friends when you are feeling lonely.

566
00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:52,840
Speaker 2: I think we tend to feel a lot of embarrassment

567
00:33:52,920 --> 00:33:55,840
Speaker 2: and shame, and that prevents us from putting a label

568
00:33:55,880 --> 00:34:00,000
Speaker 2: on this feeling and acknowledging it to others around us.

569
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:02,520
Speaker 2: It's interesting that when you are the first one to

570
00:34:02,560 --> 00:34:05,880
Speaker 2: open the door and say, hey, I've been feeling super lonely,

571
00:34:06,480 --> 00:34:09,080
Speaker 2: I've been feeling super off I really want to connect,

572
00:34:09,680 --> 00:34:13,239
Speaker 2: how many people are going to say the exact same thing.

573
00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:16,400
Speaker 2: How many people are going to be like, oh my gosh,

574
00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:19,960
Speaker 2: I've been feeling the same way. I can't believe that

575
00:34:20,239 --> 00:34:23,480
Speaker 2: we've both just been existing in these isolated little bubbles

576
00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:27,239
Speaker 2: and like not reaching out. It's actually really nice, I think,

577
00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:31,320
Speaker 2: to have these really I think dark and sad feelings

578
00:34:31,320 --> 00:34:34,400
Speaker 2: of loneliness, and then to feel seen in them and

579
00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:37,160
Speaker 2: to bond with someone over the fact that you're both

580
00:34:37,239 --> 00:34:41,080
Speaker 2: going through a very similar emotional state. From that conversation,

581
00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:43,319
Speaker 2: you can make plans to see each other regularly. You

582
00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:46,399
Speaker 2: can start to build that network. I do honestly think

583
00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:49,480
Speaker 2: that people really value honesty and they value canda when

584
00:34:49,520 --> 00:34:52,240
Speaker 2: it comes to these kind of things that we're normally

585
00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:55,440
Speaker 2: taught to hide. So I think it's not just about

586
00:34:55,600 --> 00:34:58,560
Speaker 2: being social. It's not just about always having plans because

587
00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:01,840
Speaker 2: we don't want to over commit ourselves. It's about just

588
00:35:01,880 --> 00:35:05,400
Speaker 2: being honest with the people around you when you just

589
00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:07,200
Speaker 2: want to talk more, you want to text a what

590
00:35:07,320 --> 00:35:09,680
Speaker 2: more throughout the day, you just want to be in

591
00:35:09,760 --> 00:35:13,480
Speaker 2: contact more often. I'd also say, find ways to cherish

592
00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:16,840
Speaker 2: this time and cherish this silence. I always think about

593
00:35:16,840 --> 00:35:18,640
Speaker 2: how one day I want to be married, I want

594
00:35:18,640 --> 00:35:21,000
Speaker 2: to have kids, and there will be a moment when

595
00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:24,080
Speaker 2: I will probably wish for more days alone by myself

596
00:35:24,520 --> 00:35:28,080
Speaker 2: in my own space, doing exactly what I want. And

597
00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:30,920
Speaker 2: that time that I'm wishing for in the future is

598
00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:34,080
Speaker 2: right now. This is the moment, and that future projection

599
00:35:34,120 --> 00:35:36,760
Speaker 2: of me keeps me more grateful for the present, knowing

600
00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:38,640
Speaker 2: that there might be one day where all I'll ask

601
00:35:38,719 --> 00:35:42,800
Speaker 2: for is to come back. This one's a lot more psychological,

602
00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:46,759
Speaker 2: but it's also important to make your space your own

603
00:35:46,840 --> 00:35:49,520
Speaker 2: and to make it feel cozy and a place that

604
00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:53,200
Speaker 2: you actually want to be in. Our living environment and

605
00:35:53,239 --> 00:35:57,160
Speaker 2: our mental health are intrinsically related. That's something that we

606
00:35:57,200 --> 00:36:00,480
Speaker 2: don't talk about a lot in the psychology and kind

607
00:36:00,520 --> 00:36:04,360
Speaker 2: of self help mental wellness. Space. Clutted spaces can create

608
00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:09,200
Speaker 2: feelings of being overwhelmed and anxiety, whilst tidy spaces invocus

609
00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:13,200
Speaker 2: sense of calm. Having colors and objects in your environment

610
00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:16,160
Speaker 2: that are meaningful, that are bright, that can really boost

611
00:36:16,239 --> 00:36:20,840
Speaker 2: your mood. Even things like lighting, temperature, sound, smells, the

612
00:36:20,920 --> 00:36:25,400
Speaker 2: color pilotte. Again, those are all really important factors to

613
00:36:25,520 --> 00:36:30,360
Speaker 2: make you feel comfortable, relaxed, and to feel almost safe.

614
00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:33,759
Speaker 2: You know, harsh lighting, loud noises that leads to a

615
00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:38,320
Speaker 2: lot of anxiety or agitation. You know, dark and cold

616
00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:42,319
Speaker 2: spaces can make you feel unmotivated or miserable. It's why

617
00:36:42,480 --> 00:36:44,640
Speaker 2: I think people like myself really like the idea of

618
00:36:44,680 --> 00:36:47,560
Speaker 2: having a lot of warm light in your living space,

619
00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:49,880
Speaker 2: filling it with rugs, things that are going to be

620
00:36:49,960 --> 00:36:52,080
Speaker 2: creature comforts for you, that are going to make you

621
00:36:52,120 --> 00:36:54,560
Speaker 2: want to come home, make you want to relax, make

622
00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:58,400
Speaker 2: you want to enjoy this solitary space that you've created

623
00:36:58,400 --> 00:37:03,080
Speaker 2: that is all for you. Finally, let's talk again about

624
00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:08,280
Speaker 2: financial insecurity and financial anxiety, because it is a huge

625
00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:12,479
Speaker 2: factor especially when you have like a massive transition from

626
00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:15,120
Speaker 2: maybe paying a lot less rent to a paying a

627
00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:17,759
Speaker 2: lot more rent. Those first early weeks. We have to

628
00:37:17,800 --> 00:37:20,000
Speaker 2: buy the fridge, you have to buy the washing machine,

629
00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:23,239
Speaker 2: you have to buy all new furniture. It is a

630
00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:28,200
Speaker 2: huge shift. It's a huge change. Don't fall into the

631
00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:33,160
Speaker 2: pattern of avoidance in response to feeling like your finances

632
00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:37,960
Speaker 2: are out of control. Avoidance is an unconscious defense mechanism

633
00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:41,040
Speaker 2: that our brain adopts when it isn't ready to engage

634
00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:45,279
Speaker 2: or acknowledge a difficult situation or feeling, even though we

635
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:49,880
Speaker 2: know in our rational minds by looking away it's probably

636
00:37:49,880 --> 00:37:53,000
Speaker 2: gonna get worse. That is a huge sign that you

637
00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:57,200
Speaker 2: might be experiencing financial anxiety if you are refusing to

638
00:37:57,239 --> 00:37:59,160
Speaker 2: open your bills when you get them, if you are

639
00:37:59,239 --> 00:38:03,400
Speaker 2: refusing to pay them on time, refusing to pay certain

640
00:38:03,440 --> 00:38:05,920
Speaker 2: debts off because you don't want to see the money

641
00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:09,920
Speaker 2: leave your account. Another sign of financial anxiety is rigidity

642
00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:14,160
Speaker 2: compulsively budgeting, needing to know where every dollar is going,

643
00:38:14,840 --> 00:38:17,320
Speaker 2: whether you can get a better bang for your buck,

644
00:38:17,719 --> 00:38:19,840
Speaker 2: to the point where you don't actually buy things you

645
00:38:19,920 --> 00:38:23,440
Speaker 2: need like food, or you won't use the heater or

646
00:38:23,480 --> 00:38:27,200
Speaker 2: the air con even when you desperately need it. This

647
00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:32,160
Speaker 2: compulsive rigidity and obsessiveness is probably a sign that your

648
00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:36,279
Speaker 2: worries are serious concerns and really infiltrating other parts of

649
00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:39,640
Speaker 2: your life. You may value the freedom of living alone,

650
00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:43,240
Speaker 2: but I don't think it's freedom if you're depriving yourself

651
00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:47,799
Speaker 2: of your basic needs. There is no shame in reassessing

652
00:38:47,840 --> 00:38:51,640
Speaker 2: your finances and realizing that the lifestyle you currently have

653
00:38:52,200 --> 00:38:54,520
Speaker 2: might not be one that you can afford right now,

654
00:38:54,560 --> 00:38:57,120
Speaker 2: just at this moment. Maybe in the future, but right

655
00:38:57,160 --> 00:38:59,520
Speaker 2: now you might need to make a bit of a shift.

656
00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:02,000
Speaker 2: There is no shame in that. There is no shame

657
00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:05,920
Speaker 2: in going back to your former living situation. I know

658
00:39:06,000 --> 00:39:08,640
Speaker 2: it can feel a lot easier to just put your

659
00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:12,080
Speaker 2: head in the sand, but being honest with yourself about

660
00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:16,319
Speaker 2: your financial situation is so important when you make the

661
00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:19,799
Speaker 2: decision to live alone. Personally, some things that have worked

662
00:39:19,840 --> 00:39:22,680
Speaker 2: for me is that I only ever use a debit

663
00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:26,040
Speaker 2: card to make those big purchases, so I'm always aware

664
00:39:26,040 --> 00:39:28,640
Speaker 2: of what money I can spend and I don't have

665
00:39:28,680 --> 00:39:31,240
Speaker 2: to deal with credit card bills. I have a budget

666
00:39:31,280 --> 00:39:35,480
Speaker 2: that is realistic and not too strict. I found that

667
00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:37,799
Speaker 2: this works because if I do go over it, which

668
00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:42,239
Speaker 2: sometimes I do very rarely, if I go over it,

669
00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:46,279
Speaker 2: I don't suddenly feel like, well, okay, I've gone over it.

670
00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:48,920
Speaker 2: Now I can just spend whenever I want. When I

671
00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:51,360
Speaker 2: have a budget that is too stringent and too strict,

672
00:39:51,400 --> 00:39:55,279
Speaker 2: that is too confining, perhaps too harsh, it's so much

673
00:39:55,320 --> 00:39:58,239
Speaker 2: easier to spend more, and so much easier then throw

674
00:39:59,040 --> 00:40:03,040
Speaker 2: throw all I do of like financial responsibility out the window,

675
00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:06,120
Speaker 2: because you've already failed at keeping the budget for that week.

676
00:40:06,480 --> 00:40:09,080
Speaker 2: So make sure that you are actually realistic about what

677
00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:11,520
Speaker 2: you want to spend money on, what you need to

678
00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:14,120
Speaker 2: spend money on, and then what you've desired to spend

679
00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:16,600
Speaker 2: your money on. I also pay my rent from a

680
00:40:16,719 --> 00:40:19,640
Speaker 2: high interest account. Every time I get paid, I put

681
00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:22,160
Speaker 2: as much rent for my future as I can into

682
00:40:22,160 --> 00:40:25,200
Speaker 2: that account, even if it's just two weeks. Normally I

683
00:40:25,280 --> 00:40:27,839
Speaker 2: like to do a whole month, and I cannot touch

684
00:40:27,880 --> 00:40:30,480
Speaker 2: that money. It's this nice chunk that sits in this

685
00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:33,760
Speaker 2: high interest account, and a cruise interest to put towards

686
00:40:33,760 --> 00:40:37,919
Speaker 2: bills and things like that. Also, you just don't even

687
00:40:37,960 --> 00:40:40,600
Speaker 2: realize how much that kind of builds up. I think

688
00:40:40,920 --> 00:40:43,959
Speaker 2: you can make like twenty fifty one hundred bucks from

689
00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:47,160
Speaker 2: some of those accounts. Obviously, do your own research. Please

690
00:40:47,160 --> 00:40:48,440
Speaker 2: do not just go out and do that if it's

691
00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:51,400
Speaker 2: not what's best for you. But that was advice that

692
00:40:51,480 --> 00:40:54,200
Speaker 2: my mom gave me when I first moved out way

693
00:40:54,239 --> 00:40:58,560
Speaker 2: back when, and it's really stuck with me. Here's another

694
00:40:58,560 --> 00:41:03,480
Speaker 2: fun tip. If you are buying new furniture places like

695
00:41:03,520 --> 00:41:07,120
Speaker 2: Ikea and some other big furniture stores, ninety percent of

696
00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:09,239
Speaker 2: the time someone is selling that exact thing that you

697
00:41:09,280 --> 00:41:13,040
Speaker 2: want on Facebook marketplace, and maybe you'll have to pay

698
00:41:13,040 --> 00:41:16,319
Speaker 2: to get it delivered, but that fifty dollars extra that

699
00:41:16,360 --> 00:41:20,719
Speaker 2: you're paying is saving you hundreds of dollars anyways, it's

700
00:41:20,719 --> 00:41:24,560
Speaker 2: like eighty to ninety percent cheaper. Sometimes I bought my

701
00:41:24,640 --> 00:41:27,200
Speaker 2: desk this way. It was I think one hundred and

702
00:41:27,239 --> 00:41:29,480
Speaker 2: seventy dollars brand new, and I bought it for twenty

703
00:41:29,480 --> 00:41:33,920
Speaker 2: five dollars in like off Facebook marketplace, Ika also has

704
00:41:33,960 --> 00:41:36,960
Speaker 2: a second hand section. You should go and look at that.

705
00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:39,520
Speaker 2: There are so many good fines. I think you don't

706
00:41:39,520 --> 00:41:42,120
Speaker 2: need to skimp, you don't need to not give yourself

707
00:41:42,200 --> 00:41:44,279
Speaker 2: the things that you need, Like you know, a TV

708
00:41:44,400 --> 00:41:47,520
Speaker 2: stand or a desk just because you can't you don't

709
00:41:47,520 --> 00:41:50,000
Speaker 2: want to spend that huge amount of money. You just

710
00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:52,480
Speaker 2: have to be smart and you also have to really

711
00:41:53,440 --> 00:41:55,640
Speaker 2: do your research in terms of how much is this

712
00:41:55,719 --> 00:41:57,959
Speaker 2: going to cost. I think we just think like, great,

713
00:41:58,000 --> 00:41:59,920
Speaker 2: I pay my rent every week. I can afford the

714
00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:05,040
Speaker 2: additional rent. It's also can I afford the additional utility bills?

715
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:07,040
Speaker 2: Can I afford to pay Wi Fi on my own?

716
00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:09,600
Speaker 2: Can I afford all of the all of the expenses

717
00:42:09,600 --> 00:42:13,160
Speaker 2: that are gonna come with moving in, like a removalist fan,

718
00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:18,239
Speaker 2: like buying boxes, like buying little knickknacks that you need

719
00:42:18,239 --> 00:42:20,600
Speaker 2: for a house, like a fruit bowl. I didn't know

720
00:42:20,640 --> 00:42:23,359
Speaker 2: that I needed that, and I am you know, I've

721
00:42:23,400 --> 00:42:26,160
Speaker 2: never needed that. I've like it's always been accessible to

722
00:42:26,200 --> 00:42:29,479
Speaker 2: me in my previous homes. Toilet paper at toilet paper stand.

723
00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:33,160
Speaker 2: There's so many little expenses. Fight off any of those

724
00:42:33,160 --> 00:42:35,880
Speaker 2: cognitive distortions that are trying to get you and convince

725
00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:38,200
Speaker 2: you to spend more money and be a realistic about

726
00:42:38,680 --> 00:42:41,680
Speaker 2: what this is actually gonna cost before you just become

727
00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:44,719
Speaker 2: enamored with the idea. I think that it's all that

728
00:42:44,760 --> 00:42:47,480
Speaker 2: we have time for today. Thank you so much for

729
00:42:47,520 --> 00:42:50,480
Speaker 2: tuning in, whether you're thinking about living alone, whether you

730
00:42:50,600 --> 00:42:53,840
Speaker 2: live alone, and you have any other advice from me.

731
00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:55,880
Speaker 2: You know, I feel like I'm not yet an expert

732
00:42:55,880 --> 00:42:59,800
Speaker 2: on this. I'm fresh to the living alone, living solo club.

733
00:43:00,400 --> 00:43:03,680
Speaker 2: Please send through your tips, send through anything else that

734
00:43:03,719 --> 00:43:06,600
Speaker 2: you want to share. I'm so excited to see what

735
00:43:06,680 --> 00:43:10,279
Speaker 2: I learn. I'm so excited to just take everything that

736
00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:12,759
Speaker 2: I can from this experience. I feel so lucky to

737
00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:15,920
Speaker 2: be able to do this. I never thought that this

738
00:43:16,120 --> 00:43:18,279
Speaker 2: was going to be something that I did, and this

739
00:43:18,360 --> 00:43:19,920
Speaker 2: early in my life. I thought I was going to

740
00:43:19,960 --> 00:43:23,200
Speaker 2: be my thirties before I got the chance to live

741
00:43:23,280 --> 00:43:26,400
Speaker 2: by myself. But I am learning so much, I am

742
00:43:26,480 --> 00:43:29,600
Speaker 2: experiencing so much, and I am so grateful to everyone

743
00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:33,120
Speaker 2: who has listened this past couple of years for really

744
00:43:33,160 --> 00:43:35,680
Speaker 2: giving me this opportunity. It's all thanks to the podcast

745
00:43:35,719 --> 00:43:39,440
Speaker 2: that I even have the flexibility and the financial freedom

746
00:43:39,920 --> 00:43:42,160
Speaker 2: to be able to make this decision for myself. So

747
00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:45,440
Speaker 2: thank you so much. I really hope you enjoyed this episode.

748
00:43:45,480 --> 00:43:47,839
Speaker 2: If you did, please feel free to leave a five

749
00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:51,960
Speaker 2: star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening

750
00:43:52,040 --> 00:43:54,880
Speaker 2: right now. Make sure that you are following along on

751
00:43:54,960 --> 00:43:58,719
Speaker 2: Spotify or you're subscribed on Apple Podcasts, And if you

752
00:43:58,760 --> 00:44:01,600
Speaker 2: have an episode suggestion, something you want to talk about,

753
00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:04,520
Speaker 2: any further advice from me or anyone else for that matter,

754
00:44:04,880 --> 00:44:08,320
Speaker 2: please feel free to message me at That Psychology Podcast

755
00:44:08,800 --> 00:44:13,680
Speaker 2: and we will be back on Friday with another episode