1 00:00:01,639 --> 00:00:05,000 Speaker 1: Hey guys, welcome to this week's episode of the PhD Podcast. 2 00:00:05,559 --> 00:00:08,000 Speaker 1: Um it's your girl, Ebane, and I am so excited 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,680 Speaker 1: about this week's guests. As you know, all of my 4 00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:13,159 Speaker 1: guests are anonymous, so I don't have the pleasure in 5 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:16,440 Speaker 1: introducing my guests today, so we're gonna jump right into it. 6 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,480 Speaker 1: So I think this topic is something that we all 7 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:21,800 Speaker 1: can relate to. I remember my first love and how 8 00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:24,560 Speaker 1: he literally like snatched my heart out like a vampire 9 00:00:25,079 --> 00:00:27,760 Speaker 1: and like been into it as I just slowly but 10 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:33,960 Speaker 1: surely died watching because the Nika drove me crazy. And 11 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:36,640 Speaker 1: I feel like this topic is something or what my 12 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:38,120 Speaker 1: guests is gonna talk about. I feel like this is 13 00:00:38,159 --> 00:00:41,560 Speaker 1: something that you know a lot of people are going through, 14 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:43,559 Speaker 1: but they're not talking about it because it's something that 15 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:46,559 Speaker 1: people just don't talk about because it's like we do 16 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:49,919 Speaker 1: really do that for somebody who you love. So we're 17 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:53,120 Speaker 1: gonna jump right into conversation. So, what made you decide 18 00:00:53,159 --> 00:00:56,480 Speaker 1: to give your boyfriend at the time your kidney? Well, 19 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,880 Speaker 1: that was actually a very good analogy because he reached 20 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:05,640 Speaker 1: and snatched out my Kidney's just a joke. We'll go 21 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:10,120 Speaker 1: in into it later about like accountability and the responsibility 22 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:14,120 Speaker 1: that I had for myself and for my body and 23 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,880 Speaker 1: my own self work. But we'll get into that. So 24 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:24,160 Speaker 1: we were together dating for ten years throughout that time. 25 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:28,160 Speaker 1: He met when I was about seventeen. Yeah, so it 26 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:33,360 Speaker 1: was my first love, my first sexual experience, a lot 27 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:41,760 Speaker 1: of first with him. Um, I was a young girl, 28 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:45,280 Speaker 1: just figuring out myself, figuring out what I want, what 29 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,039 Speaker 1: I don't want, what I like when I don't like. 30 00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:54,560 Speaker 1: I thought he was the most handsome man I've ever seen. 31 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:58,520 Speaker 1: He was everything to me. He was everything to me, 32 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:02,440 Speaker 1: like he had everything. He dressed the way I wanted 33 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:04,320 Speaker 1: to kind of dress, he looked the way I wanted 34 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:07,520 Speaker 1: gonna look. He was everything. And to be honest with you, 35 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:11,640 Speaker 1: at looking back at it, I realized that I felt 36 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:17,280 Speaker 1: fortunate to have him, and I didn't. I felt like 37 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:21,960 Speaker 1: I wasn't uh to his level. So I guess that 38 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:23,960 Speaker 1: why do you feel like he wasn't to his level? 39 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:28,200 Speaker 1: You know? In my child when I grew up where 40 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,480 Speaker 1: no one really told me I was beautiful, Norman told me, 41 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:36,520 Speaker 1: you know, my parents, uh them showing love was more 42 00:02:36,639 --> 00:02:40,240 Speaker 1: like I seed you a close him, you know, which 43 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:47,280 Speaker 1: was like something affectionate words and stuff like that exactly. 44 00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:49,920 Speaker 1: And you know, I'm a little older than you, So 45 00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:52,640 Speaker 1: I grew up in the era of like listening to 46 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:56,080 Speaker 1: Mary J. Blige and Bhutan Clan and feeling like I 47 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,320 Speaker 1: had to be this down ass chicken. You have to 48 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:02,760 Speaker 1: put up with all this stuff they have nineties love, 49 00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:05,919 Speaker 1: So you I definitely grew up in an airway. It 50 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:09,280 Speaker 1: felt like you had to you had to ride out, 51 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:11,440 Speaker 1: you know, you had to ride through the storm, and 52 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:15,200 Speaker 1: at the end you'll get that prize of him finally wanting, 53 00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:17,359 Speaker 1: you know, to be with you because it's like you've 54 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:20,760 Speaker 1: been You've been through the everything with me. You know. 55 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:24,360 Speaker 1: It's all crazy because I feel like I feel like 56 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:26,120 Speaker 1: people feel like that's how you have to prove your 57 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:28,200 Speaker 1: love to people. But it's like, why don't we have 58 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,120 Speaker 1: to get to that point? I mean showing you how 59 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,000 Speaker 1: much I care for you by doing things that I necessarily, 60 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:34,440 Speaker 1: like I said, I don't want to do, but I'm 61 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:35,640 Speaker 1: not sure if I want to do it, Like I'm 62 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:40,720 Speaker 1: questioning it. Like it was definitely and it was definitely. 63 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,600 Speaker 1: Maybe it's a generational thing, but definitely the nineties, like 64 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:47,680 Speaker 1: that's the music was saying that that's the images you saw. 65 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:51,280 Speaker 1: Definitely felt like you had to stick it, stick it out, 66 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:54,560 Speaker 1: you know, with someone, And it was more like the 67 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:57,640 Speaker 1: whole course of our relationship, I was trying to prove 68 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,800 Speaker 1: that I was working, that you was around. Yeah, So 69 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:05,720 Speaker 1: what came what was like the the events that led 70 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:08,160 Speaker 1: up to him me and a kidney. So he was 71 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:13,600 Speaker 1: diagnosed with I think it was type two diabetes when 72 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:16,800 Speaker 1: he was about fourteen. He had gotten really, really sick 73 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:19,600 Speaker 1: and spent spent about almost a year in the hospital, 74 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:23,120 Speaker 1: like back and forth and everything like that. So by 75 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:24,760 Speaker 1: the time I met him, he pretty much had it 76 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:30,560 Speaker 1: under control. However, through over the years he started drinking 77 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:33,760 Speaker 1: more and just you know, being a young man, like 78 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:38,320 Speaker 1: just not taking care of himself exactly. So as he 79 00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:40,920 Speaker 1: got older, he just kept doing it, doing it. And 80 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:44,920 Speaker 1: then one day his friend showed up at my house 81 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:48,120 Speaker 1: and told me that he was in a hospital. And 82 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,360 Speaker 1: when I went to visit him. The funny part is 83 00:04:51,279 --> 00:04:55,240 Speaker 1: when I went to visit him, there was another girl there. Child. Yes, 84 00:04:55,600 --> 00:05:01,400 Speaker 1: I'm telling on his death bed. Now, let me just 85 00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:05,119 Speaker 1: make this clear and be completely transparent. The ten years 86 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:07,880 Speaker 1: it wasn't like he was faithful to the ten years. 87 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:11,000 Speaker 1: So that should have been my clue, you know, But 88 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:13,200 Speaker 1: I just always thought that, you know, if I stick 89 00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:16,760 Speaker 1: this through and I forgive over and over again, that eventually, 90 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:20,480 Speaker 1: you know, I didn't work out. And I always had 91 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:23,720 Speaker 1: this silly, silly vision in my head that, you know, 92 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:27,320 Speaker 1: my first was gonna be like you know, that everlasting love. 93 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:31,320 Speaker 1: I got the same thing about my first. I thought 94 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:35,040 Speaker 1: my first is gonna be every thing. Like I thought 95 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:37,080 Speaker 1: we was gonna move to New York, which I did 96 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:38,920 Speaker 1: on my own. I thought that we was to have 97 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,360 Speaker 1: a family, which he already started on his own. Like 98 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,760 Speaker 1: I thought we were just going to be like so perfect. 99 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:45,719 Speaker 1: It's so funny what you think things are gonna be 100 00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:49,840 Speaker 1: versus what the reality has became. And it's all just 101 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,359 Speaker 1: for me. I didn't really grow up with an example 102 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,840 Speaker 1: of what love looks like. I didn't grow up with 103 00:05:56,880 --> 00:06:01,080 Speaker 1: women being honest and saying, hey, enjoy your twenties, no date, 104 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:04,680 Speaker 1: have a good time, build that self worth within yourself, 105 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:09,480 Speaker 1: established yourself as a woman before you uh trying to 106 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:12,880 Speaker 1: make those connections like I really just didn't grow up 107 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:17,279 Speaker 1: with that. Everything that I formulated was from TV music 108 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,120 Speaker 1: and that's what they was putting out there for trayingly 109 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:21,520 Speaker 1: that you had to do this, you gotta do that 110 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:23,920 Speaker 1: to keep a man, all this other stuff. So if 111 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,920 Speaker 1: that's all you see and know, and nobody was really 112 00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:28,080 Speaker 1: teaching me the things that you should have been taught about, 113 00:06:28,279 --> 00:06:30,719 Speaker 1: you know, like you said, of course you're gonna go 114 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:35,440 Speaker 1: left state going right exactly exactly, you know, when I 115 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:37,880 Speaker 1: was growing up like the worst thing. You know. Now 116 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:41,280 Speaker 1: I look at things and women are, especially younger women are, 117 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:45,040 Speaker 1: so I feel more comfortable with their sexuality, more comfortable 118 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:47,839 Speaker 1: to say, no, I'm not accepting this type of behavior. 119 00:06:47,839 --> 00:06:50,480 Speaker 1: I'm not accepting that. And I just and I keep 120 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:52,200 Speaker 1: talking about it back then like it was a hundred 121 00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:55,000 Speaker 1: years ago. It really wasn't that long ago. But there 122 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,039 Speaker 1: was definitely this pressure. And I don't know if it 123 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:01,359 Speaker 1: was just in our communities or just all over with it. 124 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:05,360 Speaker 1: This is pressure to to be like, you know, this 125 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:08,320 Speaker 1: rough rider down and it was just it was just 126 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:13,800 Speaker 1: that's what it was. Yeah. So when he asked you, like, 127 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:17,960 Speaker 1: did you initially want to say no to donate it? 128 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:22,120 Speaker 1: You know, he didn't he didn't even ask volunteered. Yeah, 129 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:28,600 Speaker 1: I volunteered. And again hindsight is looking back on it, 130 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:31,960 Speaker 1: it was just like I realized that, yes, there was 131 00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:35,080 Speaker 1: a part of me that wanted to do it because 132 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,200 Speaker 1: I felt that it was the right thing to do. 133 00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,000 Speaker 1: I felt like I cared for him and it was 134 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:44,720 Speaker 1: just beautiful, you know, Yeah, it's just beautiful experience that 135 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:48,000 Speaker 1: we were going to share. But then looking back now, 136 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:51,880 Speaker 1: there was a small part of me that was trying 137 00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:56,520 Speaker 1: to prove something to him, to everyone, and you know 138 00:07:56,600 --> 00:08:03,160 Speaker 1: what everyone else, you know, because I know somebody was 139 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:07,920 Speaker 1: like my mom said no, did not want me to 140 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:14,000 Speaker 1: do it. Um, we went, ah, my mom and I 141 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:19,000 Speaker 1: went to have dinner with him and his dad, and 142 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:22,640 Speaker 1: my mom asked the hard questions that I was too 143 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:25,160 Speaker 1: afraid to ask, and at the time I was upset 144 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:29,440 Speaker 1: with her for doing that. Yeah, she asked him, fat out, 145 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:32,360 Speaker 1: what are your intention with my daughter? My daughter is 146 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,720 Speaker 1: doing this for you? Where is this going? Where in 147 00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:39,640 Speaker 1: this relationship going? And he pretty much told her, well, like, 148 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,840 Speaker 1: we'll see where it goes. And when we left that dinner, 149 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,040 Speaker 1: my mother pulled me aside and said, he will never 150 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:50,680 Speaker 1: marry you, he will never commit to you. Please don't 151 00:08:50,679 --> 00:08:54,959 Speaker 1: do this and what did you do? I mean what 152 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:57,360 Speaker 1: didn't make you feel because I can only imagine you 153 00:08:57,400 --> 00:09:00,280 Speaker 1: being in your what he was in your late almost 154 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:04,280 Speaker 1: twenty early twenties. Yeah, I can't only imagine being because 155 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:05,720 Speaker 1: I mean I was in my men's trants. I used 156 00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:07,760 Speaker 1: to be like, I know what's best for me that. 157 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,880 Speaker 1: And then you have someone like your mother coming to 158 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,800 Speaker 1: you and telling you these things because of course she 159 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,280 Speaker 1: knows what's to come, because she's been down that role. 160 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,360 Speaker 1: She knows life more than you do. But you just 161 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:21,160 Speaker 1: be so like, I'm not listening, Like even if my 162 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:23,120 Speaker 1: life is depending on like I have to prove my 163 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,520 Speaker 1: point or at least try to. Yeah, that's exactly what 164 00:09:25,559 --> 00:09:28,640 Speaker 1: I was thinking. You don't know what you're talking about, 165 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,040 Speaker 1: you know. I was more upset with her that she 166 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:36,320 Speaker 1: asked the question and put him on the spot to 167 00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:39,840 Speaker 1: be honest about it, then being upset about hearing the truth. 168 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,200 Speaker 1: But even when he was saying what he said, then 169 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,840 Speaker 1: it makes me feel away. I don't know. I don't 170 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:47,240 Speaker 1: know why he didn't register. It was just like you, 171 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:52,400 Speaker 1: he don't know. He he don't know what I know. 172 00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:57,680 Speaker 1: Even his dad was like, you're wrong, like you need 173 00:09:57,679 --> 00:10:02,160 Speaker 1: to she's doing all of this for you or like 174 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:06,120 Speaker 1: you should not accept it if you know she's not 175 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:08,760 Speaker 1: the one, like you're not going to marry her because 176 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:12,560 Speaker 1: for her to do something like that for you shows 177 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:16,760 Speaker 1: like the ultimate love and you're not ready to reciprocate that, 178 00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:21,040 Speaker 1: so you shouldn't accept it. Yeah, So even if dad 179 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:25,800 Speaker 1: was like, you shouldn't, you shouldn't do this. So how 180 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:30,560 Speaker 1: long after that day with the four y'all? When was 181 00:10:30,559 --> 00:10:36,079 Speaker 1: the surgery? The surgery was maybe about two months after that. 182 00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:40,840 Speaker 1: So leading to the surgery, how relationship in between him? 183 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,880 Speaker 1: It was actually really good. We spent a lot of 184 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:49,440 Speaker 1: time together. Uh and probably for the first time in 185 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:53,400 Speaker 1: our whole relationship. He was faithful I think, like the 186 00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:55,559 Speaker 1: closest to faith forever. But do you think he was 187 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:04,120 Speaker 1: girls say sometimes men only is right? I think because 188 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:09,760 Speaker 1: he couldn't be as mobile as he because of the situation. Niggas. 189 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:15,319 Speaker 1: It's crazy. So fast forward to the day before the surgery. 190 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,320 Speaker 1: What were your thoughts, Like, how were you feeling, like, 191 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:19,200 Speaker 1: would you really like y'all about to really go through this? 192 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,720 Speaker 1: Like was there any signs? Like, I mean I know 193 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:26,160 Speaker 1: that you know what, I'll tell you this because you 194 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,960 Speaker 1: never know. I feel like this story is going because 195 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,319 Speaker 1: you know where it is when you go through ship 196 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,720 Speaker 1: and you beat like in your backup is against the wall, 197 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:36,040 Speaker 1: and sometimes you'd be like, damn, I wonder if anybody 198 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:37,920 Speaker 1: who's going through ship, like why is this happening to me? 199 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,800 Speaker 1: So it's like why am I'm in this predictament? Like 200 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:43,240 Speaker 1: why me? So it's one of the reasons why I 201 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:45,439 Speaker 1: wanted to do this podcast because I want to encourage 202 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:47,760 Speaker 1: other listeners like, Yo, You're not the only person to 203 00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:50,520 Speaker 1: go through ship like. People go through every day ship 204 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:54,360 Speaker 1: like and it may not be as dramatic is donating, 205 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:57,760 Speaker 1: but it can be as hurtful. You know, it could 206 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,920 Speaker 1: still because pain is pain, exactly, and it doesn't have 207 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:03,040 Speaker 1: to be like the physical act of donating. But you 208 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:06,200 Speaker 1: can be giving too much time to someone, You could 209 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:09,480 Speaker 1: be giving too much energy to someone. You can be 210 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,840 Speaker 1: giving too much money to It could be a financial burden, 211 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:16,360 Speaker 1: you know, because some of these men are financial burdens. 212 00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:21,320 Speaker 1: So sometimes it's like it's gonna take a hardship on exactly. 213 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:24,400 Speaker 1: And for me it was this, But to be honest 214 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:30,240 Speaker 1: with you, there was other uh, other there were other 215 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:34,280 Speaker 1: hurts in that relationship that I had ignored to get 216 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:37,319 Speaker 1: me to this point, because I do believe that, uh, 217 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:41,560 Speaker 1: if you, God keeps showing you signs until you get it. 218 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:44,679 Speaker 1: And I had gotten so many signs and I ignored 219 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:49,040 Speaker 1: them my own youthfulness, my own ignorance. Some some of 220 00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:51,920 Speaker 1: them I chose to ignore, and I just kept ignoring it. 221 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,560 Speaker 1: You know, you're not like a dumb person, Like, yeah, 222 00:12:54,600 --> 00:13:00,200 Speaker 1: that's the worst part. It's like, I have a relationship 223 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:03,320 Speaker 1: with our guests and she's not dumb, so but at 224 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:06,640 Speaker 1: my time, you nobody's really dumb. In certain situations, I 225 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:08,480 Speaker 1: feel like the good things happened to the dumb people. 226 00:13:08,679 --> 00:13:10,840 Speaker 1: I mean to think about it, there are some women 227 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:14,040 Speaker 1: that are in situations where they're being abused and they're 228 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:17,080 Speaker 1: smart women, they're capable of women, and I always be like, 229 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:19,880 Speaker 1: for some reason, they can't let go. And that was 230 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,360 Speaker 1: for me, Like I just could not let go and 231 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:27,800 Speaker 1: it took. Now I'm actually thankful for it, because that's 232 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:30,280 Speaker 1: what it took to get me out of that toxic relationship. 233 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:35,679 Speaker 1: It was about it was not it was not where 234 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:37,800 Speaker 1: I needed to be, and it was not for me. 235 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:42,360 Speaker 1: And instead of I was trying to make him into 236 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,800 Speaker 1: something that would for me, and he isn't and he 237 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:48,920 Speaker 1: never was, so I'm okay with it now. So I 238 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:50,800 Speaker 1: wish I didn't have to lose my kidney to learn that. 239 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,600 Speaker 1: So are we talking about the lessons you learned? I'm 240 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,679 Speaker 1: pretty sure there's many less you learning about yourself, about 241 00:13:56,679 --> 00:14:00,680 Speaker 1: what you wanted a man um So the have the surgery. 242 00:14:01,679 --> 00:14:05,360 Speaker 1: What happened, So the data surgery, I go in and 243 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:08,560 Speaker 1: before that, for months, they're testing you to tief you're compatible. 244 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:12,400 Speaker 1: You're giving you like a full I felt a full 245 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:15,400 Speaker 1: physical to make sure you're healthy enough for it. Wait, 246 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:18,520 Speaker 1: nobody and his family was a mat girl. Okay, he 247 00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:24,640 Speaker 1: has them too, simply and either one of them offer, 248 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:32,560 Speaker 1: because exactly that should have been like yeah, if you want, 249 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:35,080 Speaker 1: if you want to, Navi gave him the kidney. I 250 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:37,360 Speaker 1: don't know if one of them would would have stepped 251 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,800 Speaker 1: up after, you know, if there was no one else. 252 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:43,760 Speaker 1: I'm not sure. Okay, So they wick the test. Everything 253 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:45,800 Speaker 1: was still going good. The relationship was like peach because 254 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:49,760 Speaker 1: nigga want the kidney. Yes, I'll never forget. So they 255 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:52,560 Speaker 1: separate us right, and I have to say the hospital, 256 00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:55,080 Speaker 1: they do a great job of giving you opportunities to 257 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:57,960 Speaker 1: back out of it. So all through the process, they 258 00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,800 Speaker 1: keep saying, are you sure you want to do this? 259 00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,880 Speaker 1: We could tell him anything. If you don't want to 260 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:05,000 Speaker 1: do this and you don't want to ruin you know, 261 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:08,000 Speaker 1: the relationship, We'll just tell him you're not compatible. We'll 262 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:09,720 Speaker 1: just tell them, you know that, they'll theyn't give you 263 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:13,240 Speaker 1: an out. They liked that with God, with like, girl, 264 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:17,760 Speaker 1: I'm giving you one more last ship. Yeah. I remember 265 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:22,240 Speaker 1: I was being prepped for the surgery. Scared. Yeah I was. 266 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:24,320 Speaker 1: I was really really nervous, but I kind of want 267 00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,400 Speaker 1: to just get it over with your family, with you, 268 00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:30,640 Speaker 1: my mom my mom, I know she was pissed y'all 269 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:40,880 Speaker 1: the whole time. She was just like the hardest. She 270 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:42,920 Speaker 1: was just looking like, first of all, you're about to 271 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,800 Speaker 1: go into you about to have surgery, and you're scared, 272 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:48,040 Speaker 1: but your mom is your left, Like I don't know why, 273 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:52,840 Speaker 1: why's she was hoping for the best, but she knew 274 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:59,240 Speaker 1: he was she knew he was out there anyway. She 275 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:03,240 Speaker 1: was like she gotta learn, so what a hard way 276 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:06,680 Speaker 1: to so I'll never forget out their perfect extra surgery. 277 00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:11,240 Speaker 1: And they separated us and this, uh, this nurse is 278 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:15,440 Speaker 1: black nurse was preparing me. I know she had hold 279 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:19,800 Speaker 1: her last. While she was preparing me, she was asking 280 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,440 Speaker 1: questions like, so, who are you donating to? Like I 281 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,200 Speaker 1: guess she thought it was like a family member, and 282 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:30,000 Speaker 1: I explained her and she goes, boyfriend, Hey, girl, I 283 00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:35,520 Speaker 1: wouldn't She said that black women are crazy, and I 284 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:38,360 Speaker 1: really felt like that was a signful God like girl, 285 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,520 Speaker 1: you know what, that's why you gotta appreciate a black 286 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:44,480 Speaker 1: woman man, because you know that she was right and 287 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:46,600 Speaker 1: he didn't put a ring on your finger. Girl wouldn't 288 00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:51,240 Speaker 1: be me like she was just going off, you know what. 289 00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:53,760 Speaker 1: Funny in my own ignorance, I don't remember they she's 290 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:57,920 Speaker 1: so mean. She just don't know the most of ages. 291 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:03,880 Speaker 1: When this is done. I really think she was put 292 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:07,800 Speaker 1: there to give me that final And then God was 293 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:11,119 Speaker 1: having a girl and I was walking, so they called 294 00:17:11,119 --> 00:17:15,720 Speaker 1: me in and I'm walking to Yeah. I can't believe 295 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:19,360 Speaker 1: she said that too. She's very blunt, said like you're 296 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:23,000 Speaker 1: out of your mind. So she could lost her job. Ye, 297 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,040 Speaker 1: she was just like our guess it's nice. I mean, 298 00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:38,320 Speaker 1: I guess it's not for these things girls. Okay, So 299 00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:40,600 Speaker 1: after she said the nurse says to you, So, what 300 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:42,600 Speaker 1: was your like when you walk in and you about 301 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,199 Speaker 1: to prepare to go on the surgery? Like, what was 302 00:17:45,359 --> 00:17:48,639 Speaker 1: like the last couple of thoughts? So the lost was 303 00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:50,639 Speaker 1: like do I really want to do this? What if 304 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:56,960 Speaker 1: I die? What if I end up like somehow the 305 00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:58,920 Speaker 1: effects of it like it affects to be in the 306 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:06,560 Speaker 1: long run, was they make a mistake all kind? I 307 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:09,159 Speaker 1: remember walking down the hallway there was one of the 308 00:18:09,359 --> 00:18:13,720 Speaker 1: hospital employees was walking me to their and when we 309 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:17,200 Speaker 1: get to the room, he turns around and says, what's 310 00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,119 Speaker 1: your name? I tell him my name. He goes, do 311 00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:21,320 Speaker 1: you know why you're here? That say? It's all to 312 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:24,680 Speaker 1: check if you're a sound mind. Yeah, because some people 313 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:29,080 Speaker 1: are losing it exactly gets He goes, this is your 314 00:18:29,119 --> 00:18:32,960 Speaker 1: final chance. You can back out now. He will never 315 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:38,400 Speaker 1: know the recipient will never know why. You know, we'll 316 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:41,320 Speaker 1: just tell them that something happened. But you had to 317 00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:45,040 Speaker 1: prove that point. I was determined. I wish I disdetermined 318 00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:48,000 Speaker 1: about other things, but I was determined to do this. 319 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:54,800 Speaker 1: So I went in there, I laid down and they started. Uh. 320 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,040 Speaker 1: They started with the anc at geologists and he said 321 00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:02,080 Speaker 1: count back from ten and I don't even think I 322 00:19:02,119 --> 00:19:06,439 Speaker 1: made it to eight. It was just so when you 323 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,800 Speaker 1: woke up, the first thing that you saw, the first 324 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,200 Speaker 1: thing you think, before you even went to sur days, 325 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,800 Speaker 1: you see him or he was already he was already 326 00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:17,280 Speaker 1: somewhere else being prepped. So we got to talk together, 327 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:20,040 Speaker 1: and then he was already somewhere else being prepper. So 328 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,960 Speaker 1: after the surgery, you woke up. What happened? I woke 329 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:27,639 Speaker 1: up and I remember just being out of it, and 330 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,520 Speaker 1: I remember thinking I had my period, but I didn't. 331 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,240 Speaker 1: It was a cafitter. I was just all over the 332 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:36,720 Speaker 1: place and I kept asking for my mother. When she 333 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,440 Speaker 1: came close to me, I kept telling her be careful 334 00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:42,440 Speaker 1: because these people are stealing. I was really really out 335 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:48,320 Speaker 1: of it. And wow, I remember when it was time 336 00:19:48,359 --> 00:19:52,760 Speaker 1: for them to take me to my um. The hotel room, 337 00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:55,879 Speaker 1: the hospital room, I saw him because he was in 338 00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:58,479 Speaker 1: the same do they call it triage? Wouldn't come out 339 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:02,160 Speaker 1: of it if you're a nurse or a doctor listening 340 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:05,880 Speaker 1: to email us what the word is. So when I 341 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:09,639 Speaker 1: was leaving, he was already there, so he already got 342 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:14,720 Speaker 1: the kidding by this point. Yeah, And we made eye 343 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:18,200 Speaker 1: contact and I lift my hand up to like say 344 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:22,760 Speaker 1: hi to him and smiles, and he didn't. He didn't respond, 345 00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:29,159 Speaker 1: what are you doing? He didn't respond? Right then I 346 00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:33,959 Speaker 1: realized I made him with say, damn, isn't that crazy? Yo? Niggas? 347 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:39,080 Speaker 1: Ain't ship yo, but holes and tricks, motherfucking tricks. He 348 00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:40,800 Speaker 1: didn't even tell me. I gave you my mother fucking 349 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:51,720 Speaker 1: kid nig and you couldn't wait. That was too much, yo, niggas. 350 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:54,640 Speaker 1: I got upstairs, that's why. But just be on snap? 351 00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:59,720 Speaker 1: Could you imagine? So I got upstairs and my family came. 352 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:03,320 Speaker 1: If isn't me, that mustn't really like heard. It didn't hurt, 353 00:21:03,359 --> 00:21:05,119 Speaker 1: but I kind of just put it to the side, 354 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:09,320 Speaker 1: like it was like thing like a signal went off 355 00:21:09,359 --> 00:21:14,880 Speaker 1: in my head. Upstairs, Uh, everything was fine. My dad 356 00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,520 Speaker 1: came to visit me, and my dad refused to talk 357 00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:23,359 Speaker 1: to him. So everybody saw it. With you, why do 358 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:25,440 Speaker 1: you think he had? You think he had some type 359 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:28,280 Speaker 1: of you know, maybe he's saying that he'd be like 360 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:31,119 Speaker 1: a hole on you or spell on you, Like what 361 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:35,320 Speaker 1: do you think he had on you? Like? I don't know, 362 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:38,080 Speaker 1: I really don't know. It's not like he was a 363 00:21:38,119 --> 00:21:41,200 Speaker 1: great person or did any life to deserve that. I 364 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:46,040 Speaker 1: tend to look at it like it was what I 365 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:49,560 Speaker 1: put on him as far as my expectations. My one 366 00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:52,600 Speaker 1: funny I am, it's like I almost imagine how I 367 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,080 Speaker 1: wanted him to be or how I wanted him to 368 00:21:55,119 --> 00:21:58,680 Speaker 1: treat me, and was like hoping and wishing he would 369 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,720 Speaker 1: live up to that. And I know that sounds so desperate, 370 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:05,000 Speaker 1: but because I think that's one of the first love 371 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,520 Speaker 1: And I also think that like because I didn't come 372 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:11,159 Speaker 1: from besides my grandmother, I didn't come from a father 373 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,200 Speaker 1: and a mother in the house. So it's just like 374 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:15,880 Speaker 1: when you yearn it for something and you go outside 375 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:17,560 Speaker 1: and look for it, and then you find somebody to 376 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:20,160 Speaker 1: give you attention and you think that that's what love 377 00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:23,040 Speaker 1: is because they've paint you some mind, when it's completely 378 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:26,280 Speaker 1: the complete opposite. It's kind of similar to what you 379 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:29,840 Speaker 1: went through at home, but just at a different capacity. Yeah, 380 00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:34,560 Speaker 1: because he was definitely like a high frequency, like really 381 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:40,359 Speaker 1: really like gave you just enough to keep me going, 382 00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:44,639 Speaker 1: but just enough to try harder like man he was. 383 00:22:46,359 --> 00:22:50,760 Speaker 1: He was He really played my games and I was, 384 00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:55,000 Speaker 1: you know, play a number one. So after the surgery, 385 00:22:55,840 --> 00:23:00,800 Speaker 1: y'all both here. Well, yeah, what happened. So I started 386 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,000 Speaker 1: to notice it was maybe like a month after the surgery, 387 00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:05,840 Speaker 1: as we would spend maybe at least three or four 388 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:09,160 Speaker 1: days a week together. You know, I started to notice 389 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:12,240 Speaker 1: he wasn't coming over as often. I started to notice 390 00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:16,000 Speaker 1: he wasn't as easy to reach on his phone. He 391 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:20,840 Speaker 1: that must have I can't even imagine, like I would 392 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:24,000 Speaker 1: have been going crazy, nigger, You free right now? Your 393 00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:27,919 Speaker 1: dad asked. He started going back to work, and I knew, like, okay, 394 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:29,960 Speaker 1: he wouldn't have as much time with me, but it 395 00:23:30,119 --> 00:23:33,800 Speaker 1: was like like that was the ultimate way to prove 396 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,959 Speaker 1: my love and loyalty to you. It's it almost went 397 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:39,080 Speaker 1: to like a week or two and go by and 398 00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:45,320 Speaker 1: I'm like nothing, nothing, So uh, we had some more 399 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:49,000 Speaker 1: of that, and I just started to, you know, you 400 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:53,200 Speaker 1: start to think, did he really play me? Yes, it 401 00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:57,360 Speaker 1: starts to really get in and I'm like, I can't 402 00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:02,280 Speaker 1: believe I did. What is going So there was one night, 403 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:05,920 Speaker 1: really do be blind man. One night I called him 404 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:08,880 Speaker 1: and we're talking the phone that he was being so 405 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:14,800 Speaker 1: distant with me, and I really think it was divine intervention. 406 00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:19,080 Speaker 1: I don't know what it was. Something just popped in 407 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:21,280 Speaker 1: my head and it just and I just spit it 408 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:24,320 Speaker 1: out and I said, it's someone pregnant. I don't know 409 00:24:24,359 --> 00:24:28,000 Speaker 1: where that came from. There was no evidence of it, nothing, 410 00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:38,119 Speaker 1: it's someone pregnant. And he goes, yes. It's like I 411 00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:40,320 Speaker 1: spoke my worst fear, like I don't I don't know 412 00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:43,959 Speaker 1: how again, I don't know where it came from. I 413 00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,800 Speaker 1: could only call a divine intervention at this time. And 414 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:51,680 Speaker 1: I just I just felt it. And he said he 415 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:54,159 Speaker 1: got down to get somebody pregnant. My nigga, we just 416 00:24:54,200 --> 00:25:02,640 Speaker 1: had a kidneys. He said yes, and I just said what, 417 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:06,600 Speaker 1: Like to this day, I really don't know how that 418 00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:12,280 Speaker 1: conversation ended. You blacked out. I just went into, oh god, 419 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:16,600 Speaker 1: well then you have a nice life. Like It's just like, 420 00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:20,760 Speaker 1: I don't know what happened. I just I just completely 421 00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:26,000 Speaker 1: drew a blank. I do remember leaving my apartment. It 422 00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:29,320 Speaker 1: must have been like ten o'clock at night. I walked, 423 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:35,199 Speaker 1: Oh my god, I walked to the Brooklyn Bridge. I 424 00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:39,960 Speaker 1: walked across it, I walked back across it. I mean, 425 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:46,600 Speaker 1: I went through such a depression for months. I can imagine, 426 00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:50,399 Speaker 1: like you go, you give somebody an organ of yours like, 427 00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:53,080 Speaker 1: and that's how they like. That's just I don't know 428 00:25:53,119 --> 00:25:55,399 Speaker 1: if that people can treat people like that like I mean, 429 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:57,840 Speaker 1: it's one thing to know somebody or like call them 430 00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:01,280 Speaker 1: out their name, But like you, I was playing, I 431 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:04,040 Speaker 1: gave you something my health like and you guys never 432 00:26:04,119 --> 00:26:11,480 Speaker 1: get a bit pregnant. And for me, I I was 433 00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:13,640 Speaker 1: shocked by what he did, even though I shouldn't have been. 434 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:20,199 Speaker 1: I was more upset with myself and I was so embarrassed, 435 00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:26,600 Speaker 1: and that embarrassment is worse than anything. And all the 436 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:31,639 Speaker 1: people that told me the disappointment and all the people 437 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:35,560 Speaker 1: told me don't do it. I just felt like everything 438 00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:37,639 Speaker 1: was coming to a head and it was way too 439 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:41,680 Speaker 1: much for me to bear. And every night from work, 440 00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:45,240 Speaker 1: I was just walking home because I just needed I 441 00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:48,320 Speaker 1: just needed it. Was like therapist me, like just walk 442 00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:51,560 Speaker 1: and think and think. I think. Then I started thinking 443 00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:54,800 Speaker 1: what if he was dating her the whole time and 444 00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:58,639 Speaker 1: he really just you know, it was around me just 445 00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:01,680 Speaker 1: to get this done with this, with their plan. My 446 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:04,399 Speaker 1: mind was just all over the place. That was a 447 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:08,000 Speaker 1: case though it could have been, it could have been down. 448 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:10,960 Speaker 1: It doesn't matter to me anymore. But at the time, 449 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:14,919 Speaker 1: it was definitely weighing on my head. Your thoughts begetting 450 00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:19,440 Speaker 1: the best of you. Man, I to be completely completely transparent, 451 00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:23,560 Speaker 1: like I definitely at that time during my walks, I 452 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:27,600 Speaker 1: would definitely think about like, yeah, yeah, I don't think 453 00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:35,400 Speaker 1: about jump out the road. I thought about it a lot. 454 00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,320 Speaker 1: The only thing that stopped me is that I didn't 455 00:27:38,359 --> 00:27:41,719 Speaker 1: want to hurt my family. You know, it's and I 456 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:46,320 Speaker 1: but even and then I knew that there's another side 457 00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:48,560 Speaker 1: to this. I knew that I would get past this 458 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:50,760 Speaker 1: and there'll be another life for me. Like I knew it. 459 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:53,600 Speaker 1: I just knew I had to get through this hard 460 00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:57,199 Speaker 1: part first, and once I got through this, I'll be 461 00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:59,840 Speaker 1: able to get to the other side. I knew that. 462 00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:02,159 Speaker 1: So what made you like, because I'm pretty sure like 463 00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:04,000 Speaker 1: we talked about you going through depression. I mean I 464 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:08,480 Speaker 1: would only imagine like suicide probably and it's not even 465 00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:10,760 Speaker 1: trying to be funny as a joke, but suicide define 466 00:28:10,760 --> 00:28:12,199 Speaker 1: probably wuld be on my top list because like when 467 00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:14,240 Speaker 1: you go through some ship that's just so hard, you 468 00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:18,480 Speaker 1: just be like I can't do this, like it's too much, 469 00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:20,760 Speaker 1: Like especially when you're not you can't really talk to 470 00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:23,000 Speaker 1: anybody about it, because when you don't want anybody telling 471 00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:25,760 Speaker 1: you I told you so. And then for two, I 472 00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:27,199 Speaker 1: don't want to talk to anybody if you've never been 473 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:28,879 Speaker 1: through it, because how can you really tell me how 474 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:31,320 Speaker 1: you feel? How I feel? So, like, what is something that? 475 00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:35,919 Speaker 1: How did you like get over this this period? You know, 476 00:28:36,080 --> 00:28:40,240 Speaker 1: I definitely I spent many years. Well that year I 477 00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:43,520 Speaker 1: was pretty much alone, like I just I just closed 478 00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:47,600 Speaker 1: everyone off, everything off, and just there's a time. Then 479 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:50,240 Speaker 1: that same year, I was laid off for my job, 480 00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:57,000 Speaker 1: and it it's like I got to zero and I 481 00:28:57,120 --> 00:29:00,640 Speaker 1: knew that I was a fighter and I knew I 482 00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:04,800 Speaker 1: wasn't gonna let this beat me because I just didn't 483 00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:09,120 Speaker 1: want But this sounds very prideful, but I didn't want 484 00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:11,760 Speaker 1: to like let this destroy me to the point where 485 00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:14,120 Speaker 1: it's just like, yo, did you see what he did 486 00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:16,640 Speaker 1: to her? Like Yo, she's crazy, she's walking, you know, 487 00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:21,240 Speaker 1: walking out because don't even do me getting to a 488 00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:24,320 Speaker 1: point of overtime because of a broken heart. Like absolutely, 489 00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:28,000 Speaker 1: people we never nobody knows what their trigger point could be. 490 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:30,680 Speaker 1: The point could be losing the parent, the trigger points, 491 00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:33,320 Speaker 1: you know, getting in the card. So that everybody has 492 00:29:33,320 --> 00:29:36,120 Speaker 1: their trigger points, and I really didn't want this to 493 00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:42,920 Speaker 1: be it. I toughed it. I thought that depression hard. 494 00:29:43,760 --> 00:29:49,480 Speaker 1: And what I did was I was so embarrassed by 495 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:51,680 Speaker 1: the friends that told me don't do it, that people 496 00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:54,840 Speaker 1: told me don't do it, that I just went to 497 00:29:55,040 --> 00:29:58,160 Speaker 1: my closest friends and just admitted that I funked up, 498 00:29:58,320 --> 00:30:02,280 Speaker 1: admitted that I didn't hold myself in a highing regard, 499 00:30:02,400 --> 00:30:05,800 Speaker 1: and I didn't. I didn't even want to put any 500 00:30:05,840 --> 00:30:09,800 Speaker 1: responsibility on him anymore. I wanted to do was necessary 501 00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:13,920 Speaker 1: to get to a better space within me. So I 502 00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:17,640 Speaker 1: took responsibility for the part I played in that I 503 00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:20,840 Speaker 1: made myself too accessible and I put myself in a 504 00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:26,840 Speaker 1: situation where I wasn't. I didn't hold my body, my mind, 505 00:30:26,880 --> 00:30:29,600 Speaker 1: my spirit and enough of God, and I put him 506 00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:34,600 Speaker 1: before me, and most importantly, I feel that in that aspect, 507 00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:38,680 Speaker 1: sometimes I put him before God. And that's where you 508 00:30:38,760 --> 00:30:41,520 Speaker 1: will fun up. You know, it's so funny. I was 509 00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:45,840 Speaker 1: talking somebody about something and some I was like, yo, 510 00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:48,440 Speaker 1: I was in a situation and it's completely different than 511 00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:51,640 Speaker 1: our guest story, but I was saying, like yo, I 512 00:30:51,680 --> 00:30:53,800 Speaker 1: was really going through like a really tough period. This year, 513 00:30:54,120 --> 00:30:56,880 Speaker 1: and I was like, YO, got away awaking your ass 514 00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:59,280 Speaker 1: to get your attention. He don't just exactly how to 515 00:30:59,320 --> 00:31:02,160 Speaker 1: get your attention. He got my attention with money, and 516 00:31:02,200 --> 00:31:04,800 Speaker 1: I was just like, oh my goodness, Like I literally 517 00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:07,320 Speaker 1: had to like start back over, and I was so 518 00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:10,240 Speaker 1: fucking angry. But then again, I was like, I should 519 00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:12,800 Speaker 1: have never put things before him, and that's how he 520 00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:16,280 Speaker 1: gets your attention to do with certain things. That's so crazy, 521 00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:17,959 Speaker 1: because he was if you want to get your attention, 522 00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:21,440 Speaker 1: he knows how to get your attention. Like and I 523 00:31:21,480 --> 00:31:23,920 Speaker 1: mean that like in the sense that I didn't deliberately say, 524 00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:26,760 Speaker 1: like God, I'm putting this man before you, not that. 525 00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:30,520 Speaker 1: But if God blesses up to these bodies, he sold 526 00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:36,120 Speaker 1: these minds, and you put any person that has not 527 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:40,120 Speaker 1: made a commitment to you of that level above you 528 00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:44,280 Speaker 1: what what God has gifted you, and then that's disrespectful 529 00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:48,120 Speaker 1: to God. You disrespect you, You're disrespecting God. So that's 530 00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:51,320 Speaker 1: that's the mindset that I was in, and I know 531 00:31:51,560 --> 00:31:54,040 Speaker 1: I needed to take the time to build myself back up. 532 00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:56,560 Speaker 1: So I started hanging out with my friends more. I 533 00:31:56,560 --> 00:32:00,000 Speaker 1: started leaning on them more. I started building more relationships 534 00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:03,560 Speaker 1: with other women and friends. And you know, I got 535 00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:07,880 Speaker 1: to the point to the girl that let me tell you, 536 00:32:07,920 --> 00:32:15,600 Speaker 1: let me know, just hearing this ship, just hearing them like, 537 00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:20,680 Speaker 1: you ain't gonna believe this, this me what like like 538 00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:25,320 Speaker 1: sometimes it just helped me to sit back and not 539 00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:28,440 Speaker 1: have to deal with my stuff and listen to their stuff. 540 00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:31,400 Speaker 1: It helped me so much. Like we would go while, 541 00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:34,000 Speaker 1: we would have dinner and we would have great talk. 542 00:32:34,120 --> 00:32:37,080 Speaker 1: We go on girl vacations, and I started to realize 543 00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:43,440 Speaker 1: that there's more to life than just a sexual relationship 544 00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:48,120 Speaker 1: or a romantic relationship. There's other love relationship. You can 545 00:32:48,160 --> 00:32:52,760 Speaker 1: be your girlfriend, love, family, love, self, self love. And 546 00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:55,840 Speaker 1: I took the time to focus on those things and 547 00:32:55,920 --> 00:32:59,640 Speaker 1: build myself up. And that's how that's how I got 548 00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:05,560 Speaker 1: paid of years. It took a long time, but it's 549 00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:09,800 Speaker 1: definitely what was needed. So what would you say was 550 00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:13,600 Speaker 1: the biggest lesson you took from this? The biggest lessons 551 00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:18,600 Speaker 1: I've learned is that you have to value you, and 552 00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:22,720 Speaker 1: you have to value what you stand for, what you believe, 553 00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:25,800 Speaker 1: and what you expect from a relationship and what you 554 00:33:25,880 --> 00:33:28,240 Speaker 1: want from relationship. And you have to be the champion 555 00:33:28,280 --> 00:33:31,320 Speaker 1: for you because nobody's gonna hold you down like how 556 00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:36,920 Speaker 1: you hold yourself down. And you can't proves anything to 557 00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:42,920 Speaker 1: these niggas. You can't and if if he can't accept 558 00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:48,160 Speaker 1: you flat out who you are and what you're putting 559 00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:53,320 Speaker 1: on the table, that he's not worth it. And this 560 00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:59,200 Speaker 1: is why every girl that's in my life, being my niece, cousins, whoever, 561 00:34:00,360 --> 00:34:03,200 Speaker 1: I greet them with your beautiful I greet them with 562 00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:06,280 Speaker 1: you know, you don't ever have to ask for something. 563 00:34:06,320 --> 00:34:10,080 Speaker 1: You come to me, you know, I tell them it's funny. 564 00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:12,000 Speaker 1: I'm the same way like I feel like when women 565 00:34:12,120 --> 00:34:14,960 Speaker 1: like I do for another woman, like I want you 566 00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:18,120 Speaker 1: to come to me when to go to because it's 567 00:34:18,160 --> 00:34:21,680 Speaker 1: like you can't trust men. It's so sad it has 568 00:34:21,719 --> 00:34:23,600 Speaker 1: to be like that, but you really cannot trust a 569 00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:26,479 Speaker 1: man like And I even tell my hung girl because 570 00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:28,279 Speaker 1: she was telling me how she's going to s and 571 00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:30,359 Speaker 1: I was just like, girl, like I ain't got a lot, 572 00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:31,920 Speaker 1: but if I can help, come to me, girl, I'm like, 573 00:34:31,920 --> 00:34:34,040 Speaker 1: because I'm gonna understand you, like I want to understand 574 00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:36,120 Speaker 1: because I get what you're going through. I understand why 575 00:34:36,120 --> 00:34:38,239 Speaker 1: you feel like you have to do this, Like it's 576 00:34:38,239 --> 00:34:41,279 Speaker 1: just that's crazy, but it's so true. And even now, 577 00:34:41,480 --> 00:34:44,279 Speaker 1: like you know, I'm married, I meant a great guy. 578 00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:48,360 Speaker 1: We've been married for quite a few years. Um, there's 579 00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:52,239 Speaker 1: still something to sister her and it's still something to 580 00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:55,080 Speaker 1: having those conversations. Like you know, before we started, we 581 00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:57,640 Speaker 1: were so giddy. And you know, you can't experience that, 582 00:34:57,840 --> 00:35:02,520 Speaker 1: whatever this podcast, y'all, you can't experience that with a man. 583 00:35:02,560 --> 00:35:04,960 Speaker 1: And I would. I would view him as like one 584 00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:07,719 Speaker 1: of my He's like a best friend to me. But 585 00:35:07,880 --> 00:35:09,759 Speaker 1: there's definitely times when he looks at me and says, 586 00:35:09,880 --> 00:35:13,080 Speaker 1: you need you need some girl time, you know, like 587 00:35:13,239 --> 00:35:21,759 Speaker 1: and he needs some boy time. You know. So if 588 00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:25,560 Speaker 1: somebody was in the similar situation like you, her boyfriend 589 00:35:25,560 --> 00:35:29,279 Speaker 1: wanted to ask her to donate oregan or whatever the 590 00:35:29,320 --> 00:35:31,560 Speaker 1: type it could be, it would be advice to her. 591 00:35:33,239 --> 00:35:36,160 Speaker 1: My advice would definitely be examine what type of relationship 592 00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:41,680 Speaker 1: you have, because not all relationships, all right, not all 593 00:35:41,719 --> 00:35:47,680 Speaker 1: relationships deserve that level of commitment and bond. You know, 594 00:35:47,840 --> 00:35:52,960 Speaker 1: you're in a good marriage, everything's going well. Um, you 595 00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:56,200 Speaker 1: want to be there and support him absolutely. But you 596 00:35:56,239 --> 00:36:00,760 Speaker 1: know something that I find very interesting, Uh, my husband 597 00:36:00,880 --> 00:36:04,480 Speaker 1: someone who I am a relationship with that would and 598 00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:07,520 Speaker 1: and a man that would deserve something like that. We 599 00:36:07,560 --> 00:36:09,960 Speaker 1: had we had a conversation and I said, you know, 600 00:36:10,000 --> 00:36:12,359 Speaker 1: if you ever got he said he was. He said, 601 00:36:12,400 --> 00:36:14,960 Speaker 1: he loves me too much to even take it. Wow. 602 00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:18,200 Speaker 1: So that's what I mean, like, and that's why you 603 00:36:18,239 --> 00:36:23,520 Speaker 1: got your winner. So I don't I really don't want 604 00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:26,160 Speaker 1: to speak badly about donating because it definitely is a 605 00:36:26,160 --> 00:36:28,680 Speaker 1: beautiful thing to do, but it's also one of those 606 00:36:28,719 --> 00:36:32,360 Speaker 1: things that it belongs within a certain the confines of 607 00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:35,720 Speaker 1: certain kinds of relationships, and you have to go into 608 00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:39,000 Speaker 1: it with no expectations. You know, if you're going into 609 00:36:39,040 --> 00:36:42,480 Speaker 1: it thinking that this is gonna motivate someone with you 610 00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:45,120 Speaker 1: or change someone, that's the wrong motivation to go in 611 00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:47,600 Speaker 1: there with it, you know, with and and just don't 612 00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:49,920 Speaker 1: do it. If you're going in there with it because 613 00:36:49,920 --> 00:36:52,640 Speaker 1: your relationship is already strong, whether it's a marriage or 614 00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:55,000 Speaker 1: a girlfriend and boyfriend, whatever it is. If you feels 615 00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:58,600 Speaker 1: already strong, then I would say yes, But you have 616 00:36:58,640 --> 00:37:02,319 Speaker 1: to examine yourself and what what your expectation is from this, 617 00:37:02,360 --> 00:37:05,160 Speaker 1: because everyone has expectations. No one can say I go 618 00:37:05,239 --> 00:37:08,440 Speaker 1: into it blindly, you know, like if you're real, if 619 00:37:08,440 --> 00:37:11,040 Speaker 1: you're doing it for a reason, like if your hopes 620 00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:14,400 Speaker 1: or something exactly, if you're real with yourself, there's something 621 00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:17,200 Speaker 1: else behind it. Even if it's a family member, you're 622 00:37:17,239 --> 00:37:22,080 Speaker 1: doing it because you love them, you know what is 623 00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:25,960 Speaker 1: because that's just so like I don't know, man, you know, 624 00:37:26,480 --> 00:37:29,879 Speaker 1: because it's just like you you're giving somebody something. I mean, 625 00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:32,279 Speaker 1: you don't need two kidneys, but it's like you're giving 626 00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:35,480 Speaker 1: somebody something, and it's just like you just never know 627 00:37:35,520 --> 00:37:38,480 Speaker 1: how I can't affect you downline, you don't know what 628 00:37:38,520 --> 00:37:40,520 Speaker 1: your situation can be with the person you gave it to. 629 00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:42,160 Speaker 1: You don't know what they're gonna go. I mean, if 630 00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:45,040 Speaker 1: I was a donate, let's say along to somebody and 631 00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:47,239 Speaker 1: you know, I say you're smoking. I must I must 632 00:37:47,280 --> 00:37:52,359 Speaker 1: make the shot out there happen. Yeah, someone would would 633 00:37:52,400 --> 00:37:54,799 Speaker 1: do something like that. But that's that's another reason why 634 00:37:54,880 --> 00:37:58,280 Speaker 1: to like examine who this person is, whether it's are 635 00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:01,839 Speaker 1: you okay with knowing that there's a possibility to give 636 00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:05,640 Speaker 1: it to them and they could complete absolutely, especially if 637 00:38:05,640 --> 00:38:07,919 Speaker 1: I wasn't to make it like to hunt your ass. 638 00:38:11,719 --> 00:38:15,520 Speaker 1: It's definitely something to think about. Um, you know, A 639 00:38:15,680 --> 00:38:19,600 Speaker 1: parent to child's situation is a no brainer. You know, 640 00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:22,640 Speaker 1: even if they messed up afterwards, the baby is still 641 00:38:22,680 --> 00:38:26,280 Speaker 1: going to do it. But outside of the spouse to spouse. 642 00:38:28,719 --> 00:38:31,960 Speaker 1: Outside of that, you know, if even if since you're sibiling, 643 00:38:32,239 --> 00:38:34,040 Speaker 1: you have to sit back in example, if you have 644 00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:36,120 Speaker 1: a rough relationship with your sibility, do you really want 645 00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:39,080 Speaker 1: to do that? You know, and people think they're so selfish, 646 00:38:39,120 --> 00:38:40,360 Speaker 1: but it's just like you gotta look at for this. 647 00:38:40,719 --> 00:38:44,920 Speaker 1: I would definitely say that if someone chooses not to, 648 00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:49,719 Speaker 1: they should not feel guilty about it. It definitely a 649 00:38:50,280 --> 00:38:53,200 Speaker 1: like since I've donated, it's definitely I definitely have to 650 00:38:53,280 --> 00:38:57,400 Speaker 1: watch my weight. I never had hyhblood pressure until after. 651 00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:00,759 Speaker 1: So these are all things you have to take. Yeah, 652 00:39:00,760 --> 00:39:02,600 Speaker 1: you know that's the point. What of some concation you 653 00:39:02,680 --> 00:39:06,640 Speaker 1: have taken into after you donate. Yeah, it does. There 654 00:39:06,760 --> 00:39:09,560 Speaker 1: is a spike in your blood pressure, but that's also 655 00:39:09,719 --> 00:39:14,400 Speaker 1: because like I wasn't like monitoring it before. So there's 656 00:39:14,400 --> 00:39:17,920 Speaker 1: a certain uh hormale I believe it's called a hormone 657 00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:22,319 Speaker 1: that is released from your kidneys that helps regulate your 658 00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:25,719 Speaker 1: blood pressure. So just having one it definitely, you know, 659 00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:28,800 Speaker 1: affects that I've never I was never a drinker. But 660 00:39:28,920 --> 00:39:31,600 Speaker 1: if you are a person that likes to drink, you 661 00:39:31,719 --> 00:39:37,040 Speaker 1: should really reconsider because your whole life bay much changes 662 00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:39,440 Speaker 1: after you don't nate. Yeah, especially if you have certain 663 00:39:39,480 --> 00:39:41,719 Speaker 1: habits before, Like if you're a smoker, you're definitely out 664 00:39:41,719 --> 00:39:44,520 Speaker 1: of the pool. They won't even they won't even consider you. 665 00:39:45,080 --> 00:39:50,640 Speaker 1: But yeah, that the blood pressure thing is definitely something 666 00:39:50,719 --> 00:39:55,759 Speaker 1: that I have to be mindful of. Yeah. Well, I 667 00:39:55,840 --> 00:39:58,879 Speaker 1: think this is an amazing episode. I know I learned life. 668 00:39:59,520 --> 00:40:02,880 Speaker 1: If you have any questions for my guests, um, please 669 00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:06,520 Speaker 1: make sure you put in the subject line donate. I 670 00:40:06,680 --> 00:40:09,120 Speaker 1: made sure that she gets the questions that we would 671 00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:13,839 Speaker 1: definitely answer it and until next time, y'all Later.