1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:04,040 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 2 00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:08,080 Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in 3 00:00:08,119 --> 00:00:10,320 Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here 4 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:14,000 Speaker 1: back for another episode as we, of course break down 5 00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:18,480 Speaker 1: the psychology of our twenties. Before we begin, I want 6 00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:21,959 Speaker 1: to just thank all of you who. 7 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,600 Speaker 2: Have ordered or pre ordered my book. 8 00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:29,080 Speaker 1: This last week has been off the charts. The support 9 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:32,839 Speaker 1: has been so overwhelming. If you don't already know, my 10 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:36,040 Speaker 1: first book, Person and Progress, A Roadmap to the Psychology 11 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:41,400 Speaker 1: of Your Twenties, came out this week and I am 12 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:46,000 Speaker 1: just I'm well, obviously, I'm speechless. I'm so grateful for 13 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:49,240 Speaker 1: this community, and I'm so grateful for you guys, and 14 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:51,960 Speaker 1: for the support you've shown me. Some of you have 15 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:54,800 Speaker 1: even finished the book already, which is insane because it 16 00:00:54,840 --> 00:01:00,440 Speaker 1: came out three days ago, and it just means so 17 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:03,160 Speaker 1: much to me. I had so much imposter syndrome going 18 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:08,880 Speaker 1: into this. I was catastrophizing every moment of every day. 19 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:12,319 Speaker 1: The negative reviews I was gonna get. You know, how 20 00:01:12,319 --> 00:01:15,360 Speaker 1: many people would say she's a terrible writer, she shouldn't 21 00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:15,840 Speaker 1: have done this. 22 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:17,400 Speaker 2: I don't know. 23 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:19,640 Speaker 1: I just I was my own worst enemy. For a 24 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:22,760 Speaker 1: little bit there, and yet I have been met with 25 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:28,520 Speaker 1: just a wall of positivity and love from your and gosh, 26 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,880 Speaker 1: it's made me feel really good about the world. It's 27 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:33,560 Speaker 1: made me feel really good about humanity, and it's made 28 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:36,000 Speaker 1: me feel really good about myself. So thank you so 29 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,760 Speaker 1: much for providing me with that gift. I hope that 30 00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,560 Speaker 1: I've provided you with a gift and that my book 31 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:46,080 Speaker 1: will help you. Has helped you, is fascinating, interesting, makes 32 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:49,240 Speaker 1: you feel less alone, and that if you haven't already 33 00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:51,920 Speaker 1: ordered it, you check it out. You can buy it 34 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:57,320 Speaker 1: anywhere you buy books, preferably your local bookstore. I don't 35 00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,800 Speaker 1: make any more money from where you buy it. I 36 00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:02,880 Speaker 1: just feel like, at this time, in this day and age, 37 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:06,880 Speaker 1: big corporations maybe need a little bit less about money 38 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:10,680 Speaker 1: and shop local. Shop your independent bookstore who will really 39 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:13,959 Speaker 1: appreciate that twenty dollars sale, and you can have a 40 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:16,440 Speaker 1: nice chat with the person behind the counter and you 41 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:20,520 Speaker 1: can peruse and feel homely and cozy. That's kind of 42 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:23,680 Speaker 1: my preference. But again, thank you so much, even for 43 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:27,800 Speaker 1: just you know, listening to the podcast, for talking about 44 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:30,799 Speaker 1: the podcast with friends, talking about my book with your friends, 45 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:33,200 Speaker 1: checking it out, on good Reads. Any of those things, 46 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:38,000 Speaker 1: it really means the world. But without further ado, let's 47 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:41,600 Speaker 1: stop babbling on about person and progress and let's get 48 00:02:41,639 --> 00:02:45,680 Speaker 1: into the episode now. I'm not proud to admit that 49 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:50,120 Speaker 1: this episode is inspired by a moment that happened to 50 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:53,480 Speaker 1: me the other day and it involves a bicycle. So 51 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:56,920 Speaker 1: I was walking to my ceramics class, which you guys 52 00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:59,359 Speaker 1: know I go to every single Wednesday, and I had 53 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:02,680 Speaker 1: my headphones on. I was playing the New Lord song, 54 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:07,000 Speaker 1: of course, and I was tuned in. My fourteen year 55 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:10,600 Speaker 1: old self was having a great time. And as I 56 00:03:10,639 --> 00:03:14,560 Speaker 1: went to turn this corner, this cyclist rides past me 57 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:18,120 Speaker 1: and like brushes me, like brushes against my arm. And 58 00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:20,840 Speaker 1: as she passes, she turns around and makes this gesture 59 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:23,720 Speaker 1: to me, like look where you're going, and she shakes 60 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,440 Speaker 1: her head and she rides off. But as she rides off, 61 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:29,920 Speaker 1: like she keeps looking back at me and keeps shaking 62 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:33,800 Speaker 1: her head, like looking very disapproving, And it kind of 63 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:39,280 Speaker 1: shocked me. But my second reaction was just rage, like, 64 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:42,320 Speaker 1: how dare she be mad at me? I'm just listening 65 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:45,920 Speaker 1: to my music. She doesn't own the road. Blah blah, blah, 66 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:49,120 Speaker 1: and I was really mad. I was really upset, and 67 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:54,960 Speaker 1: immediately after that, I felt so gross. I felt this 68 00:03:55,160 --> 00:04:01,640 Speaker 1: deep anger, evil meanness in my bones. I was so 69 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:03,520 Speaker 1: mad at her. I kept thinking about it over and 70 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:06,320 Speaker 1: over again, and it just was weighing me down. And 71 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:10,080 Speaker 1: as I kept walking and I calmed down, I was like, 72 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:16,120 Speaker 1: wait a second, what the heck was that? Where did 73 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:20,440 Speaker 1: that come from? Like? Why am I feeling so entitled 74 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:24,719 Speaker 1: and angry at this poor woman who I probably cut 75 00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:28,000 Speaker 1: off like I wasn't paying attention? And it kind of 76 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:32,080 Speaker 1: scared me. My ego was so reacted that it clouded 77 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:35,760 Speaker 1: my judgment. It made me think ill of this total stranger, 78 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,960 Speaker 1: and honestly, it put me in such a terrible mood 79 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:43,680 Speaker 1: for the rest of the day and for what It 80 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:47,279 Speaker 1: was just after this that I was like, hmm, I 81 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:51,000 Speaker 1: need to humble myself right now. It is time to 82 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:53,719 Speaker 1: sit back and reflect on what's going on here, because 83 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,760 Speaker 1: that right there, that was ugly behavior. And it was 84 00:04:57,400 --> 00:05:01,400 Speaker 1: really that instance that triggered me to art noticing some 85 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:04,040 Speaker 1: changes in myself recently, and changes that I didn't like. 86 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:08,599 Speaker 1: It feels icky and hard to look at, but you know, 87 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,560 Speaker 1: I've been more jealous. Recently, I've been more critical, I've 88 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:15,720 Speaker 1: been more defensive, I've been more argumentative, and because of 89 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,359 Speaker 1: how conscious I am of it, it really got me 90 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:22,800 Speaker 1: thinking about humility and why is the case that I 91 00:05:22,839 --> 00:05:25,800 Speaker 1: had perhaps incidentally allowed my ego to kind of go 92 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:28,679 Speaker 1: off the rails. That's a hard thing to talk about, 93 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:32,240 Speaker 1: and even saying that, I'm wondering who out there is 94 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,839 Speaker 1: judging me, who out there is thinking differently of me? 95 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:38,720 Speaker 1: But something I always believe is that if you're experiencing something, 96 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:42,080 Speaker 1: someone else out there is also experiencing it, And hopefully 97 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:47,960 Speaker 1: my candor is beneficial to someone else who is noticing 98 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:51,680 Speaker 1: this weird entitlement in themselves that is causing them a 99 00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:55,560 Speaker 1: lot of shame and that they want to change. Sometimes 100 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:59,839 Speaker 1: we do have to practice humility sometimes when our ego, 101 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:04,200 Speaker 1: we do have to rain her in. So how exactly, 102 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:07,040 Speaker 1: and this is the question I've been asking myself, how 103 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:11,200 Speaker 1: exactly do we strike that healthy balance between being proud 104 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:15,080 Speaker 1: of ourselves, knowing what we deserve, but not being prideful. 105 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:19,520 Speaker 1: How do we strike the balance of being confident but 106 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:22,480 Speaker 1: not arrogant. That's really what I want to lay out 107 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:26,720 Speaker 1: for all of us today, including the real definition of ego, 108 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:30,239 Speaker 1: what ego looks like, where it comes from, what pride 109 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:35,120 Speaker 1: looks like, the consequences of an inflated ego. And there's 110 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:38,440 Speaker 1: six steps that I personally have been taking to bring 111 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:43,120 Speaker 1: me back to a humble, honest equilibrium and to make 112 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:47,400 Speaker 1: me a more pro social, better human, because whatever has 113 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,960 Speaker 1: been happening in my brain in my body that has 114 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,640 Speaker 1: caused me to respond this way to certain situations, I 115 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:55,240 Speaker 1: don't like it. But I also think that when you 116 00:06:55,279 --> 00:06:58,640 Speaker 1: acknowledge parts of yourself that you don't particularly enjoy, you're 117 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:04,000 Speaker 1: also capable and you must change them or kind of submit, 118 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:08,360 Speaker 1: voluntarily submit yourself to suffering under the impression of your 119 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:11,480 Speaker 1: own thoughts and feelings that you don't take accountability for. 120 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:14,040 Speaker 1: So it's a bit more of a philosophical episode today, 121 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:17,520 Speaker 1: but I promise we also touch on some very important 122 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:28,160 Speaker 1: psychology without further ado no judgment zone, Let's talk about humility. 123 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:31,320 Speaker 1: So before we get into it, we firstly need to 124 00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:36,600 Speaker 1: talk about the various definitions of ego, because surprisingly there 125 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:39,120 Speaker 1: is more than one. Most of us tend to think 126 00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:41,880 Speaker 1: of ego as just our sense of self confidence or 127 00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:45,080 Speaker 1: our sense of self worth when our ego is inflated, 128 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:48,440 Speaker 1: we believe we possess more worth than others, which is 129 00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:52,160 Speaker 1: not true. When our ego is deflated, we believe we 130 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:56,040 Speaker 1: possess less worth than others. It's also not true all 131 00:07:56,120 --> 00:08:01,920 Speaker 1: humans contain equal worth. Was about our perception of ourselves 132 00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:07,960 Speaker 1: in comparison to others. Therefore, it's a subjective acknowledgment. It's 133 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:11,600 Speaker 1: a subjective opinion rather than an objective fact of who 134 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,000 Speaker 1: we are. So the first definition of ego that you 135 00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:19,920 Speaker 1: are probably familiar with is pride, self worth, self confidence. 136 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:26,120 Speaker 1: It is often associated with entitlement, feeling like you deserve 137 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:29,800 Speaker 1: more than you have or than what others have. From 138 00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:32,880 Speaker 1: a more psychological perspective, though, we want to turn to 139 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:38,800 Speaker 1: Freud's definition. He is really the one that first interrogated 140 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:41,400 Speaker 1: this idea of ego for it, of course, being the 141 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:47,360 Speaker 1: very famous Austrian psychoanalyst, and his idea of ego differed 142 00:08:47,679 --> 00:08:50,280 Speaker 1: slightly to the definition that we currently uphold. 143 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:53,480 Speaker 2: Freud saw the ego. 144 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:57,120 Speaker 1: As the part of the mind that mediates between our 145 00:08:57,160 --> 00:09:00,400 Speaker 1: primal urges, our moral values. 146 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:01,120 Speaker 2: And reality. 147 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,400 Speaker 1: All of us, you and me, we have this impulsive 148 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,559 Speaker 1: desire to take to do what we want to do, 149 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:11,559 Speaker 1: to be quite animal. We have these natural instincts of 150 00:09:11,679 --> 00:09:15,760 Speaker 1: possession and desire, but we are also ruled by this 151 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:19,080 Speaker 1: very real moral system that has taught to us at 152 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:22,440 Speaker 1: a young age, and which yes, doesn't always get it right, 153 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,600 Speaker 1: but it is what allows us to be civilized and 154 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:29,480 Speaker 1: respectful to each other. It's things like don't steal, don't 155 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:33,000 Speaker 1: make people feel bad about themselves, don't murder, don't be unkind. 156 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:37,119 Speaker 1: So when the part of us that is quite unruly 157 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:43,360 Speaker 1: gets too big, our ego becomes unbalanced and we behave 158 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:46,360 Speaker 1: in a way that makes us feel gross. 159 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:48,880 Speaker 2: Or uncaring or arrogant. 160 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:53,640 Speaker 1: Therefore, this part of us, it's called the id, needs taming, 161 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:57,120 Speaker 1: it needs humbling, so that the moral side and the 162 00:09:57,160 --> 00:10:01,600 Speaker 1: ID can sit in harmony. So that's the definition given 163 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:08,240 Speaker 1: by Freud. Ego is an unbalanced system within us where 164 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:11,320 Speaker 1: pride is allowed to take over. Let me give you 165 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:15,760 Speaker 1: another definition of ego that's not psychological. It's philosophical, and 166 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:20,199 Speaker 1: it comes from Buddhism. So in Buddhism, ego is basically 167 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:24,480 Speaker 1: the source of suffering. Ego has us forget that we 168 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:28,240 Speaker 1: exist in a very vast, flowing ecosystem with other living 169 00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:31,880 Speaker 1: souls who all have their own intricacies, stories, and worth, 170 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,480 Speaker 1: and our ego is the thing that puts us above 171 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:39,280 Speaker 1: everyone else in a very unnatural and harmful way. So 172 00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:42,800 Speaker 1: there is an incredible article written by the Mindful Stoic 173 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,480 Speaker 1: that I was reading when I was exploring this topic 174 00:10:45,559 --> 00:10:50,160 Speaker 1: that talks about the idea of anata or the no self, 175 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:54,400 Speaker 1: which is quite popular in Buddhism. Basically, this idea of 176 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:57,280 Speaker 1: the no self suggests that we are a combination of 177 00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:01,000 Speaker 1: everything around us. We are constantly changing. Nothing makes us 178 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:04,080 Speaker 1: more special than anyone else. There is nothing that we 179 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:06,839 Speaker 1: do that we can ever take full credit for. We 180 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:11,000 Speaker 1: are basically just the world it's experiencing itself. And when 181 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:17,439 Speaker 1: we respect that principle, our attachment to ideas like success, fairness, pride, 182 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:21,599 Speaker 1: they're quite healthy. We tend to live a happier existence. 183 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:25,680 Speaker 1: I think that this idea is really really profound. It's 184 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:29,240 Speaker 1: very freeing to just exist and watch yourself evolve and 185 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:31,520 Speaker 1: detach from all the heavy stuff that we opt into 186 00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:35,679 Speaker 1: and just understand that you and everyone around you is equal, 187 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:40,680 Speaker 1: is hopefully in harmony, and in are connected. What happens 188 00:11:40,679 --> 00:11:45,000 Speaker 1: when ego rules, well, that becomes a problem. Ego is 189 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:49,439 Speaker 1: wanting to separate you from this humility and this understanding 190 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:54,400 Speaker 1: of connectedness with other human beings. Ego is also always 191 00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:56,559 Speaker 1: going to be a part of you. Now, that's something 192 00:11:56,600 --> 00:12:00,240 Speaker 1: that I probably should have stayed before. The idea in 193 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,560 Speaker 1: the existence of ego was not the problem. It's when 194 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:08,400 Speaker 1: it's allowed to rule and when essentially we are off balance. 195 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:11,840 Speaker 1: Here are some signs that that is occurring. Here are 196 00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:14,160 Speaker 1: some signs that you know you kind of need to 197 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:18,800 Speaker 1: humble yourself. The first red flag is that, quite simply, 198 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:22,160 Speaker 1: you always need to be right, and you struggle with 199 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:26,839 Speaker 1: any form of criticism, even when it's valid. Specifically, I'm 200 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,000 Speaker 1: talking about instances or individuals who feel quite threatened when 201 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,520 Speaker 1: someone disagrees with them and has a very hard time 202 00:12:33,559 --> 00:12:37,640 Speaker 1: admitting that they're wrong. This often has quite a physical 203 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:41,480 Speaker 1: element to it. Someone disagrees with you, someone argues back, 204 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:44,959 Speaker 1: and you feel that hot flush, maybe even that rage 205 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:49,199 Speaker 1: or that anger that you are being disrespected, When if 206 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:51,000 Speaker 1: you dug a little bit deeper, you would see that 207 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,680 Speaker 1: you have more to learn in this moment than to 208 00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:57,400 Speaker 1: be hurt by and you are actually hurting yourself more 209 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:02,960 Speaker 1: by being defensive. Because these experiences of criticism, of feedback, 210 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:08,040 Speaker 1: of disagreement. They're actually learning moments. They're teaching moments. They 211 00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:12,120 Speaker 1: are opportunities. They're a doorway to more knowledge about the 212 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:14,560 Speaker 1: world and to seeing things differently. But when your ego 213 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:18,040 Speaker 1: is in control, you never able to see them that way. 214 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:23,120 Speaker 1: This also links to the second observation or sign that 215 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,360 Speaker 1: your ego was out of control, which is that you 216 00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:30,440 Speaker 1: take everything personally, including others' reactions and others bad days. 217 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,840 Speaker 1: I'm going to call myself out there that woman who 218 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,800 Speaker 1: got upset at me for I guess walking in her way. 219 00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:42,480 Speaker 1: She was entitled to have that reaction, but my reaction 220 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:46,400 Speaker 1: to her reaction that was ego, because I was interpreting 221 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:49,480 Speaker 1: what could have been a neutral comment or action as 222 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:52,440 Speaker 1: an attack, as a slight, and I was allowing it 223 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:55,600 Speaker 1: to infiltrate deeper than it was intended to or that 224 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:59,560 Speaker 1: it needed to, therefore kind of ruining my day. The 225 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:01,920 Speaker 1: thing is is that we are, of course the center 226 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,600 Speaker 1: of our own universe. We can only see through our 227 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:08,520 Speaker 1: own mind's eye. We can only experience the world through 228 00:14:08,559 --> 00:14:13,000 Speaker 1: our senses from our perspective. That makes it difficult sometimes 229 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:17,040 Speaker 1: to empathize with others. But empathy is also an incredibly 230 00:14:17,559 --> 00:14:21,000 Speaker 1: unique and important human quality, and if you are devoid 231 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:23,080 Speaker 1: of that, or if you are detached from it, it 232 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,040 Speaker 1: makes you hard to be around, and it makes you 233 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,400 Speaker 1: it makes it harder for you to be happy. The 234 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:31,400 Speaker 1: third red flag. If your ego is unruly, you are 235 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:35,720 Speaker 1: craving validation and recognition, and you are constantly in what 236 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:39,320 Speaker 1: I call a more, more, more mindset. So the more 237 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:42,000 Speaker 1: and more mindset is basically a mindset where we are 238 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:44,280 Speaker 1: never entirely content or. 239 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:45,800 Speaker 2: Happy with what we have. 240 00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:50,560 Speaker 1: Now humans, by nature, we actually exist according to something 241 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:55,680 Speaker 1: called the hedonistic treadmill. Essentially, what this term describes is 242 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:59,440 Speaker 1: this thought or theory that you cannot be happy all 243 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:02,320 Speaker 1: the time, and that no matter what good things happen 244 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:06,280 Speaker 1: in your life, what amazing successes you achieve, you are 245 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:10,360 Speaker 1: always going to return to quite a neutral point. Now 246 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:13,760 Speaker 1: that is healthy, it's very healthy. You cannot be at 247 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:19,320 Speaker 1: either extreme end of our emotion spectrum, either extreme surprise, joy, excitement, 248 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:22,480 Speaker 1: or extreme misery for too long. It's a healthy thing 249 00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:26,640 Speaker 1: to be somewhere in the middle. But if your ego 250 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:32,920 Speaker 1: is you haven't humbled yourself, you just cannot. You cannot 251 00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:36,760 Speaker 1: make peace with the fact that at times you will 252 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:40,520 Speaker 1: not receive recognition. You will not receive validation, people will 253 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,880 Speaker 1: not be thinking about you, people will not be praising you. 254 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:46,320 Speaker 1: That means that not only are you never happy with 255 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:50,720 Speaker 1: what you have, but you constantly feel this pressure to 256 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:53,560 Speaker 1: push and strive harder and to bring the spotlight back 257 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:59,160 Speaker 1: onto you, which is unnatural. You also may compare yourself constantly, 258 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:03,360 Speaker 1: whether it's stat looks, success, popularity. You're always measuring your 259 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:07,120 Speaker 1: worth by someone else's. I always give this analogy, and 260 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,800 Speaker 1: I think I gave it in a recent rerun episode, 261 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:14,560 Speaker 1: but we have to remember comparison. It's a circle, not 262 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:18,800 Speaker 1: a ladder. There is not someone who is objectively the 263 00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:21,760 Speaker 1: happiest person, or the best person, or the most successful 264 00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:25,080 Speaker 1: person in this world. And there is probably not a 265 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:28,440 Speaker 1: person who wants for nothing, even if they are someone 266 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:31,320 Speaker 1: who is trying very hard for that, even if they 267 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:34,600 Speaker 1: are someone who is very spiritually disciplined. All of us 268 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:39,280 Speaker 1: feel jealous and envious at times, but you might be 269 00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:41,640 Speaker 1: looking at someone thinking why don't I have what they have, 270 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:44,520 Speaker 1: whilst they're looking at someone else who is looking at 271 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:47,640 Speaker 1: you and what you don't appreciate is that this is 272 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:50,640 Speaker 1: a circle, this is a cycle, and if you continue 273 00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:54,360 Speaker 1: to constantly compare and ruminate and feel miserable about what 274 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:57,040 Speaker 1: you don't have, you miss out on a lot. 275 00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:57,520 Speaker 2: Of what you do. 276 00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:00,880 Speaker 1: I think we're up to the sixth side now that 277 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,400 Speaker 1: your ego is out of control, and that is that 278 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:07,359 Speaker 1: you need to always be in control. Letting others lead 279 00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:09,920 Speaker 1: or not having the final say it can make you 280 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:13,760 Speaker 1: feel very uncomfortable and anxious and uncertain whether that is 281 00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:16,639 Speaker 1: you know, the need to control the itinerary for the 282 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:18,960 Speaker 1: group trip, not being able to work in a team, 283 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:22,720 Speaker 1: craving alone time because it's easier to not think about others. 284 00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:27,400 Speaker 1: That has a real consequence for our relationships. We cannot 285 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:31,560 Speaker 1: let our grip up over our life and over our 286 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:35,159 Speaker 1: interactions with others. I will say some people are what 287 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:38,280 Speaker 1: we call type A individuals. Some people are just like that. 288 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:41,560 Speaker 1: They're all the children, they're naturally leaders. But the distinction 289 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:46,560 Speaker 1: is the ability to compromise without emotional distress and discomfort. 290 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:51,000 Speaker 1: It's not you know, some individuals will naturally take charge 291 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:52,919 Speaker 1: because they're just very good at it. But if they 292 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:55,840 Speaker 1: were invited to not take charge, they wouldn't have this 293 00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:59,600 Speaker 1: visceral sense or need to reinstate themselves at the center 294 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:05,600 Speaker 1: of everything. They are able to say, yes, someone else 295 00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:07,199 Speaker 1: might not do this the way that I will do 296 00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:10,879 Speaker 1: it doesn't mean it's not a worthwhile, valid way doesn't 297 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:14,240 Speaker 1: mean I can't be happy with whatever they produce. A 298 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:18,760 Speaker 1: couple more signs you feel threatened by others' success, and 299 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:22,520 Speaker 1: you also struggle to apologize. Two big ones that I've 300 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:25,280 Speaker 1: actually I've seen in people's behavior before, and they're not 301 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:30,440 Speaker 1: that pleasant. All of this turns us into you may 302 00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:33,000 Speaker 1: have guessed it, a deeply unhappy person, but also a 303 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,720 Speaker 1: self conscious person, and someone who is not a good friend, 304 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:38,080 Speaker 1: not a good partner, not a good child, not a 305 00:18:38,119 --> 00:18:41,640 Speaker 1: good sibling or colleague. That last point is very important 306 00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:46,680 Speaker 1: because being in community requires people to decenter themselves. I 307 00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:50,840 Speaker 1: read a similar quote recently that being in community requires inconvenience. 308 00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:53,960 Speaker 1: A lot of people talk about loneliness these days. They 309 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:57,040 Speaker 1: talk about how it's difficult to make friends, difficult to 310 00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,359 Speaker 1: be seen. But if you think you are the most 311 00:18:59,359 --> 00:19:02,119 Speaker 1: important person in the world, you are not going to 312 00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:06,560 Speaker 1: be able to tolerate the inconvenience and sometimes the difficulty 313 00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:10,840 Speaker 1: of having to compromise and be around other people think 314 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:13,400 Speaker 1: about it. You know, being a good partner means being 315 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:16,560 Speaker 1: able to admit you're wrong, means compromise, means losing control. 316 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:19,560 Speaker 1: Sometimes means doing things and aren't always what you want 317 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:22,840 Speaker 1: to do, but better what's best for the team. If 318 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,520 Speaker 1: you are not tuned into that fact that your preferences 319 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:29,000 Speaker 1: and lifestyle don't matter more than anyone else's, that is 320 00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:31,560 Speaker 1: going to be a hard dynamic. Any relationship is going 321 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:37,760 Speaker 1: to be difficult to sustain. Now, we know relationships are 322 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:41,080 Speaker 1: one of our main predictors of happiness. Studies have proved 323 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:44,040 Speaker 1: this again and again and again. Actually, one of the 324 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:48,360 Speaker 1: longest longitudinal studies on happiness in the world found that 325 00:19:49,359 --> 00:19:53,120 Speaker 1: positive relationships make you live longer, make you more pleasant, 326 00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:56,320 Speaker 1: make you happier, make you more satisfied with your life. So, 327 00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:59,640 Speaker 1: if ego is costing you those relationships, it's also costing 328 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:03,520 Speaker 1: you your happiness. If you are lonely, if you don't 329 00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:07,960 Speaker 1: have those meaningful connections, what do you have? Success? Accomplishment? 330 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,200 Speaker 1: Knowing you're right, Like, none of that really means anything. 331 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:14,680 Speaker 1: And it reminds me of now a very famous interview 332 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:17,720 Speaker 1: between I think it was Benny Blanco and Selena Gomez, 333 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:20,399 Speaker 1: where he basically says, like, what do I have to 334 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:22,479 Speaker 1: achieve by being right? Like an angry girlfriend? 335 00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:23,240 Speaker 2: And not much else? 336 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:27,240 Speaker 1: For what? And that's a mature man right there. He 337 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:30,480 Speaker 1: has understood the cost of his ego and it's something 338 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:35,240 Speaker 1: that a lot of us are yet to recognize. It 339 00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:38,720 Speaker 1: may not come as a surprise as well, that ego 340 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:43,000 Speaker 1: and narcissism go hand in hand. Narcissism as a term 341 00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:46,640 Speaker 1: is often misused a lot. What we are talking about 342 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:51,760 Speaker 1: today is narcissism as a trait, not narcissistic personality disorder, 343 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:57,080 Speaker 1: not narcissism in a medical setting. Narcissism as a trait 344 00:20:57,160 --> 00:21:01,600 Speaker 1: that we all have some of rait in this world, 345 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,680 Speaker 1: any personality trait, like all of us have a little 346 00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:06,520 Speaker 1: inch of it. When you are high in narcissism as 347 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:10,679 Speaker 1: a trait, as some people naturally are, basically you cannot 348 00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:13,199 Speaker 1: see anyone else's point of view because you see everything 349 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:16,159 Speaker 1: as a mirror of yourself or something to take advantage of. 350 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:22,080 Speaker 1: You must find yourself competent, successful, attractive, desirable, intelligent or else. 351 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:25,639 Speaker 1: What does that also sound like? It also sounds like 352 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,920 Speaker 1: a dysregulated ego. Now this means that we can basically 353 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:32,680 Speaker 1: understand ego and pride and a lack of humility by 354 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:36,040 Speaker 1: examining narcissism as well and examining the origins of it. 355 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:38,880 Speaker 1: And a study published by NYU in twenty twenty one 356 00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:42,960 Speaker 1: has found that narcissism is driven primarily by a deep 357 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:46,719 Speaker 1: rooted sense of self hatred. In this study, individuals who 358 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:50,640 Speaker 1: are higher on traits associated with narcissism they were typically 359 00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:56,359 Speaker 1: quite emotionally vulnerable and felt quite emotionally. I don't like 360 00:21:56,400 --> 00:22:00,400 Speaker 1: the term weak out in the open. Maybe that's also 361 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:03,239 Speaker 1: where our inflated ego comes from. It comes from a 362 00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:07,840 Speaker 1: desire to protect ourselves because perhaps we don't feel great 363 00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:12,280 Speaker 1: or feel good enough deep down, so we counteract that 364 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:16,520 Speaker 1: by puffing out our chests. We counteract that by turning 365 00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:20,159 Speaker 1: up the entitlement so we don't have to uncover unfortunate 366 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:23,520 Speaker 1: truths about how we really feel about ourselves. There is 367 00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:26,119 Speaker 1: a great article that was published by the Society of 368 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:30,040 Speaker 1: Personality and Social Psychology and it's titled Unnarcissistic People Happy, 369 00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:33,200 Speaker 1: and it looked at the mood of over two thousand 370 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:37,240 Speaker 1: individuals who had narcissistic personality disorder and it found that 371 00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:41,040 Speaker 1: a lot of them were quite miserable, especially when they 372 00:22:41,119 --> 00:22:44,280 Speaker 1: felt that they were constantly in competition with others or 373 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:48,159 Speaker 1: had some rivalry. They were less happy than the average person. 374 00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:54,640 Speaker 1: In fact, they reported greater life dissatisfaction, greater relationship dissatisfaction, 375 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:57,879 Speaker 1: greater sense of accomplishment when it came to when it 376 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:01,160 Speaker 1: came to their achievements. Now, perhaps I've gone too far here, 377 00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:04,160 Speaker 1: because this isn't to suggest that we are all narcissists 378 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:07,000 Speaker 1: if we can relate to our ego taking over, but 379 00:23:07,119 --> 00:23:10,800 Speaker 1: maybe when that happens, this gives us a clue as 380 00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:14,040 Speaker 1: to what our ego thinks. It's protecting us from the 381 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:18,800 Speaker 1: expected unhappiness, the insecurity, the jealousy, the poor self esteem 382 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:21,800 Speaker 1: that may come to the surface if we don't keep 383 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:27,200 Speaker 1: trying to inflate ourselves and prove ourselves. Maybe, unlike narcissism, 384 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:32,120 Speaker 1: ego is is quite protective, and ego is the result 385 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:36,879 Speaker 1: of something quite squishy and soft and delicate inside of 386 00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:40,960 Speaker 1: us that feels a bit bruised. So this brings me 387 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:45,240 Speaker 1: to my next question. Why do we sometimes feel so 388 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:49,359 Speaker 1: entitled for seemingly no reason. What Spike's ego, We're going 389 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:50,800 Speaker 1: to take a short break here and then I'm going 390 00:23:50,840 --> 00:24:00,040 Speaker 1: to return with a few explanations. So you've snapped, I 391 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:06,080 Speaker 1: feel like a terrible, horrible, no good person. Why is 392 00:24:06,119 --> 00:24:09,640 Speaker 1: that the case? Why was humility not on your side 393 00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:12,479 Speaker 1: in that moment? Firstly, and this one is probably the 394 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:14,840 Speaker 1: most likely case for those of us in our twenties, 395 00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:17,280 Speaker 1: You've just got a lot on your plate right now. 396 00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:22,000 Speaker 1: You're irritated, you're overworked, you're overstretched, and your capacity to 397 00:24:22,119 --> 00:24:24,800 Speaker 1: monitor and mediate your emotions and rain in your ego, 398 00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:27,679 Speaker 1: it just isn't there right now. When we are in 399 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:31,399 Speaker 1: that survival over extending mode, we are naturally more tense 400 00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:35,040 Speaker 1: and more defensive, and that defensiveness extends to our sense 401 00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:38,200 Speaker 1: of self and self worth. This really does come down 402 00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:41,480 Speaker 1: to emotional regulation and the fact that this becomes harder 403 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:44,160 Speaker 1: at these points in our lives, these tension points, lots 404 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:48,359 Speaker 1: of deadlines, moving house, relationship problems that bleed into work, 405 00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:52,080 Speaker 1: breed into friendships. It's somewhat of a cruel cycle. You know, 406 00:24:52,119 --> 00:24:55,880 Speaker 1: we need emotional regulation to manage stress, but when we're stressed, 407 00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:58,479 Speaker 1: it becomes harder to regulate any form of rational thinking, 408 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:02,480 Speaker 1: meaning we can't avigate our emotions or our ego properly. 409 00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:06,679 Speaker 1: The solution here is to find a tie breaker or reroute, 410 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:09,920 Speaker 1: which means simply stop doing what you've been doing all 411 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:12,960 Speaker 1: along that obviously isn't working, thinking that it's going to work. 412 00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:18,520 Speaker 1: Stop pushing yourself even further, Stop being cruel to yourself 413 00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:22,040 Speaker 1: to rain in your ego. Try something new here. Specifically, 414 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,720 Speaker 1: I think if you want to control your ego, you 415 00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:27,960 Speaker 1: need to slow down and be more intentional about your 416 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:31,320 Speaker 1: thoughts but also your actions. What can you do to 417 00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:36,560 Speaker 1: calm down your nervous system and feel that emotional cup 418 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:40,040 Speaker 1: backups that it can restore a healthy level of ego 419 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:45,560 Speaker 1: rest It's physically important, it's also mentally important, and it's 420 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:48,720 Speaker 1: emotionally important. If you're finding that you are at the 421 00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,920 Speaker 1: end of your tether and that you feel abrasive and 422 00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:56,320 Speaker 1: titled pride for I really sometimes think it's just a 423 00:25:56,359 --> 00:25:59,840 Speaker 1: matter of exhaustion. The other reason that our ego can 424 00:26:00,119 --> 00:26:01,720 Speaker 1: become unruly is unmet. 425 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:02,440 Speaker 2: Needs for insecurities. 426 00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:06,240 Speaker 1: When we feel inadequate, as we said, overlooked insecure, our 427 00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:09,119 Speaker 1: ego steps in to compensate, and it builds a false 428 00:26:09,119 --> 00:26:13,040 Speaker 1: sense of superiority to kind of protect and guard our 429 00:26:13,119 --> 00:26:17,120 Speaker 1: self worth. Validation addiction is another term that we should 430 00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:21,639 Speaker 1: be across here as well. It refers to essentially an 431 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:28,200 Speaker 1: unnatural dependency on praise, attention, and success. The ego begins 432 00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:32,200 Speaker 1: to expect reward, expect applause or admiration as a baseline, 433 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:37,320 Speaker 1: not as a bonus. A twenty twenty study found that 434 00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:42,280 Speaker 1: validation addiction is very common amongst not just high achievers, 435 00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:46,480 Speaker 1: but what they call ultra high achievers, a whole new level. 436 00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:49,880 Speaker 1: And what they tended to find was that these individuals 437 00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:54,480 Speaker 1: were generally not satisfied by any accomplishment that didn't come 438 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:58,840 Speaker 1: with praise. They could produce their best work, yet they 439 00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:00,800 Speaker 1: could run a sub to our marathon. I don't even 440 00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:03,399 Speaker 1: think that's humanly possible, but you know, they could paint 441 00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:06,280 Speaker 1: the next Susteine Chapel. But if there was no praise, 442 00:27:06,359 --> 00:27:09,200 Speaker 1: it wouldn't be worth it to them. Everything is based 443 00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:13,000 Speaker 1: on external recognition. And when investigating this they did a 444 00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:14,840 Speaker 1: little bit more deep, a little bit more digging, a 445 00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:17,720 Speaker 1: little bit more searching. They found that it typically begins 446 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:21,080 Speaker 1: around the age of between twelve to seventeen, so prime 447 00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:25,760 Speaker 1: teen years around puberty, when our sense of identity is 448 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:30,080 Speaker 1: in a real growth formative period. But also when we 449 00:27:30,119 --> 00:27:34,360 Speaker 1: are quite young, we're learning what our worth is. We're 450 00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:38,560 Speaker 1: learning essentially the guidebook by you know, by which we're 451 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:42,720 Speaker 1: going to judge ourselves. And if during that time, what 452 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:45,959 Speaker 1: you are absorbing from your environment, from your caregivers, from 453 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:50,159 Speaker 1: your community, from your environment is you are only worth 454 00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:53,439 Speaker 1: something if you can produce good output, and if you 455 00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:57,639 Speaker 1: are being praised for that output and based on something 456 00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:02,200 Speaker 1: that we can see physically, that's going to really fuck 457 00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:05,399 Speaker 1: with your sense of self concept and it's going to 458 00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:09,120 Speaker 1: ensure that the older you get, the higher that baseline 459 00:28:09,119 --> 00:28:17,000 Speaker 1: for validation becomes, until it's unruly unmanageable and cannot be met. Now, 460 00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:20,920 Speaker 1: those are some very high level reasons why we may 461 00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:24,000 Speaker 1: be called to humble ourselves and why we need to 462 00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:29,600 Speaker 1: embrace the power of humility. Let's now talk about exactly 463 00:28:30,359 --> 00:28:32,960 Speaker 1: how to get there. Now, let's just say one more time, 464 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:35,720 Speaker 1: you're never going to eliminate ego. We've talked about ego 465 00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:38,800 Speaker 1: a lot this episode, and perhaps I've done a bad 466 00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:42,600 Speaker 1: job painting it. Is this very villainous, evil thing. It's 467 00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:45,720 Speaker 1: not a bad thing, it's not harmful having a healthy 468 00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:49,520 Speaker 1: level of ego allows you to set boundaries, allows you 469 00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:52,800 Speaker 1: to recognize what you do and don't deserve, allows you 470 00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:56,080 Speaker 1: to work hard, have ambitions, maintain a stable sense of self. 471 00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:58,760 Speaker 1: We don't want to give any of that up. And 472 00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:02,200 Speaker 1: I also don't want you to feel shame at being 473 00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:07,960 Speaker 1: envious or jealous, or accidentally rude or mean. And I 474 00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:09,520 Speaker 1: don't want you to think that just because you have 475 00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:12,400 Speaker 1: acted that way in the past, that that is always 476 00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:14,200 Speaker 1: who you are going to be and how you are 477 00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:17,200 Speaker 1: going to feel. I say this a lot. You simply 478 00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:21,720 Speaker 1: cannot hate yourself into being a better person. It doesn't 479 00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:23,680 Speaker 1: work that way, because if you truly think you are 480 00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:26,360 Speaker 1: awful and curse and whatever else is running through your mind, 481 00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:30,680 Speaker 1: you have no incentive to improve because this all feels 482 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:34,520 Speaker 1: very set and stone your shame and self awareness. It's 483 00:29:34,520 --> 00:29:38,560 Speaker 1: gotten you to this very important point. You have recognized 484 00:29:38,560 --> 00:29:41,760 Speaker 1: that perhaps something is off. That's a good thing. Now 485 00:29:41,760 --> 00:29:44,000 Speaker 1: it's time to focus on the mindset shifts that are 486 00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:46,720 Speaker 1: available to you to get you out of this downward 487 00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:50,520 Speaker 1: ego spiral. Humility is also just such a great asset 488 00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:54,520 Speaker 1: to have. Humility makes you more attractive, It makes you 489 00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:58,320 Speaker 1: more desirable as a romantic partner. Humility is a strong 490 00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:03,680 Speaker 1: predictor of relationships satus faction, but also relationship length and sustainability. 491 00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:07,160 Speaker 1: It makes you a more desirable employee, and it also 492 00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:10,920 Speaker 1: means that people feel more comfortable around you because you're 493 00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:15,000 Speaker 1: less defensive and judgmental. I know that confidence and arrogance 494 00:30:15,080 --> 00:30:18,320 Speaker 1: and thinking that you're the shit like that's some people 495 00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:21,440 Speaker 1: are going to confuse that with having a strong sense 496 00:30:21,480 --> 00:30:22,160 Speaker 1: of self. 497 00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:22,880 Speaker 2: And knowing your worth. 498 00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:26,680 Speaker 1: I don't necessarily think that when it gets to the 499 00:30:26,760 --> 00:30:31,160 Speaker 1: level where you are instinctually judging or thinking cruelly of 500 00:30:31,200 --> 00:30:33,320 Speaker 1: other people, I don't think that that is what we're 501 00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:36,600 Speaker 1: talking about. We're talking about the balance. So in order 502 00:30:36,640 --> 00:30:38,600 Speaker 1: to get back to that balance point, the first thing 503 00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:41,800 Speaker 1: I need you to do is call yourself out. Call 504 00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:44,520 Speaker 1: yourself out for those moments like the one I experienced 505 00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:49,120 Speaker 1: the other day where you just behaved in a bad manner. 506 00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:54,600 Speaker 1: Your instinct was ugly, no matter how much control you 507 00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:56,840 Speaker 1: had over it or not, it was coming from a 508 00:30:56,880 --> 00:31:01,960 Speaker 1: place that was not being taken care of. People aren't 509 00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:03,520 Speaker 1: always going to call. 510 00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:04,640 Speaker 2: You out for your bad behavior. 511 00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:07,680 Speaker 1: In fact, you know you could get to a point 512 00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:11,680 Speaker 1: where even if they did, you would still not believe them, 513 00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:15,440 Speaker 1: and that would result in reputational and into personal damages 514 00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:19,480 Speaker 1: or consequences. It would result in relationship failure and breakdown 515 00:31:19,520 --> 00:31:22,200 Speaker 1: because you have gotten to a point where you just 516 00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:25,280 Speaker 1: think they're a hater or you think that they're you know, 517 00:31:25,360 --> 00:31:29,440 Speaker 1: criticizing you. So when you notice that your behavior is 518 00:31:29,480 --> 00:31:30,760 Speaker 1: not what you want it to be and want you 519 00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:34,280 Speaker 1: to say it out loud, that's not okay. I want 520 00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:37,320 Speaker 1: you to ask yourself why did I say that. I 521 00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:41,160 Speaker 1: want you to pull your head in. Remember bad, mean, 522 00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:43,200 Speaker 1: cruel thoughts. 523 00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:44,240 Speaker 2: They come from you. 524 00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:46,920 Speaker 1: That also means that a better thought can come from 525 00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:50,840 Speaker 1: you as well. You are capable and able and allowed 526 00:31:50,840 --> 00:31:54,080 Speaker 1: to have mean thoughts that you don't particularly like or 527 00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:58,120 Speaker 1: prideful thoughts, and then take that thought, examine it, give 528 00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:02,400 Speaker 1: it a kiss, and replace it with something even better. Secondly, 529 00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:05,080 Speaker 1: if you are ready to embrace the power of humility, 530 00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:10,040 Speaker 1: don't do a gratitude list, commit to a contribution list, 531 00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:13,640 Speaker 1: a list of things that you have done for others. 532 00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:14,920 Speaker 2: I will say. 533 00:32:14,760 --> 00:32:18,320 Speaker 1: Gratitude and humility are a very healthy match and studies 534 00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:21,800 Speaker 1: do find they're mutually reinforcing. That means the more you 535 00:32:21,840 --> 00:32:24,080 Speaker 1: feel one, the more you feel the other. But I 536 00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:26,320 Speaker 1: think we can take it a step a step further 537 00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:30,240 Speaker 1: and really start to reflect and make our priority what 538 00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:32,960 Speaker 1: we are doing for other people in our community. And 539 00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:36,080 Speaker 1: if you have a contribution list, I think this makes 540 00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:38,360 Speaker 1: this more of a focus for you to be putting 541 00:32:38,440 --> 00:32:42,240 Speaker 1: things on that list as regularly as possible. D center 542 00:32:42,320 --> 00:32:46,520 Speaker 1: yourself by doing something selfless, as selfless as any act 543 00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:49,880 Speaker 1: can really be, but something that is not primarily for you. 544 00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:53,280 Speaker 1: I think our issue as a society, specifically in a 545 00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:56,960 Speaker 1: highly individualistic society, is that we are taught again that 546 00:32:57,000 --> 00:32:59,000 Speaker 1: we're at the center of our own universe and that 547 00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:02,200 Speaker 1: we should always look out for ourselves first. We focus 548 00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:04,360 Speaker 1: on what makes us special, what we need. 549 00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:05,840 Speaker 2: When we have. 550 00:33:05,880 --> 00:33:10,240 Speaker 1: More than plenty, we have so much more than we need, 551 00:33:10,880 --> 00:33:15,760 Speaker 1: and because of our obsession with just gaining more, gaining more, praise, wealth, 552 00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:20,120 Speaker 1: whatever it is, we've lost this sense of interconnectedness. You 553 00:33:20,160 --> 00:33:22,480 Speaker 1: are going to do better if your neighbor is doing better, 554 00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:25,040 Speaker 1: if your friends are doing better, if the people around 555 00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:29,160 Speaker 1: you feel supported. So if you are feeling gross about yourself, 556 00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:31,720 Speaker 1: if you are engaging in too much self pity, if 557 00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:36,080 Speaker 1: your ego is dominating, it is time to do something 558 00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:40,360 Speaker 1: for someone else. And speaking of others, my third tip 559 00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:44,800 Speaker 1: is to start noticing the most beautiful things about other people. 560 00:33:45,280 --> 00:33:48,720 Speaker 1: My humility always goes down the drain when I start 561 00:33:48,720 --> 00:33:51,320 Speaker 1: feeling bad about the world, when I start believing that 562 00:33:51,400 --> 00:33:54,960 Speaker 1: everyone is cruel and mean and cold hearted, and therefore 563 00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:59,280 Speaker 1: I have to only look after myself. That's especially hard 564 00:33:59,320 --> 00:34:02,920 Speaker 1: these days the news, with everything going on. I need 565 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:06,240 Speaker 1: to remind myself that humanity and other people are beautiful 566 00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:09,839 Speaker 1: and that life is valuable, and that we are all 567 00:34:09,880 --> 00:34:11,840 Speaker 1: the same, like I am no better than anyone else. 568 00:34:12,239 --> 00:34:15,080 Speaker 1: There is good in everyone. And so I've started doing 569 00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:19,719 Speaker 1: this walk slash run practice. In particular, I started doing 570 00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:22,600 Speaker 1: it on my long runs. So like every weekend, me 571 00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:26,239 Speaker 1: and my friends got to Centennial Park in Sydney and 572 00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:28,719 Speaker 1: we do like a couple of laps into being like 573 00:34:28,719 --> 00:34:32,640 Speaker 1: ten kilometers. And one day I forgot my headphones and 574 00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:34,680 Speaker 1: I was just in a bad mood and I don't know, 575 00:34:34,760 --> 00:34:36,560 Speaker 1: something had happened that week, and I was feeling like 576 00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:39,160 Speaker 1: quite angry, like I don't know, people would like kind 577 00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:40,720 Speaker 1: of get in my way and I'd be like ah, 578 00:34:40,719 --> 00:34:43,400 Speaker 1: like I was getting frustrated, and so what I started 579 00:34:43,400 --> 00:34:46,040 Speaker 1: doing is every single person that walked past me, I 580 00:34:46,160 --> 00:34:51,840 Speaker 1: forced myself to notice something really beautiful about them, something spectacular, 581 00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:56,759 Speaker 1: something wonderful, something about the outfit that I liked, the 582 00:34:56,800 --> 00:35:01,600 Speaker 1: color of their eyes, how beautiful they were walking, how 583 00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:04,840 Speaker 1: kind they were to their dog, how they were noticing nature. 584 00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:09,200 Speaker 1: Every single person got this hidden compliment from me, and 585 00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:13,880 Speaker 1: it immediately made me feel that interconnectedness that those Buddhists, 586 00:35:14,239 --> 00:35:17,440 Speaker 1: philosophies and Buddhist principles want us to feel with other people. 587 00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:21,040 Speaker 1: It decentered me from the narrative. It allowed me to 588 00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:25,520 Speaker 1: reconnect and remember that you know, humanity is gorgeous and beautiful, 589 00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:28,080 Speaker 1: and that people are kind, and that that is enough. 590 00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:30,399 Speaker 1: I think we're going to talk a little bit more 591 00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:32,400 Speaker 1: about the role of others here just for one second, 592 00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:35,000 Speaker 1: which is, yes, we want to do things for others. 593 00:35:35,040 --> 00:35:37,759 Speaker 1: We want to notice things about others. We also want 594 00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:42,439 Speaker 1: to give credit publicly and thank others. You can celebrate yourself. 595 00:35:42,080 --> 00:35:42,560 Speaker 2: And you should. 596 00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:44,920 Speaker 1: We're not saying not to do that. When it's your 597 00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:47,520 Speaker 1: moment and good things are happening and you've worked hard 598 00:35:47,560 --> 00:35:51,200 Speaker 1: for them, go off, you did that, celebrate yourself, buy 599 00:35:51,239 --> 00:35:54,160 Speaker 1: yourself a fricking cake, put some candles in it, tell 600 00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:57,480 Speaker 1: people self, promote, but you also have to notice when 601 00:35:57,520 --> 00:36:01,480 Speaker 1: it's someone else's moment as well. Not letting a scarcity 602 00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:05,840 Speaker 1: mindset trick us into envy and into not raising others 603 00:36:05,920 --> 00:36:08,359 Speaker 1: up because we think there is less room for us. 604 00:36:08,480 --> 00:36:11,640 Speaker 1: There is room for everyone. Believe me, I know in 605 00:36:11,640 --> 00:36:14,920 Speaker 1: a success obsessed society we don't think there is. But 606 00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:18,120 Speaker 1: you are going to get further ahead and you are 607 00:36:18,160 --> 00:36:21,240 Speaker 1: going to have a happier life if you are getting 608 00:36:21,280 --> 00:36:24,279 Speaker 1: ahead with others beside you, who you care about and 609 00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:28,560 Speaker 1: whose careers and ambitions and goals are meaningful to you, 610 00:36:28,640 --> 00:36:31,960 Speaker 1: and who you can celebrate like. None of this life 611 00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:36,840 Speaker 1: is worth nothing without community. Community is so valuable. Every 612 00:36:36,840 --> 00:36:40,799 Speaker 1: single person that you feel envious towards or jealous of 613 00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:43,279 Speaker 1: because they have more than you or doing something better 614 00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:46,640 Speaker 1: than you, that means that there is something you can 615 00:36:46,719 --> 00:36:49,600 Speaker 1: learn from them, That means that they have cracked a 616 00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:53,600 Speaker 1: code that you are still working on, and a kindness 617 00:36:53,640 --> 00:36:56,880 Speaker 1: towards them is a kindness towards yourself. But it also 618 00:36:57,040 --> 00:36:59,680 Speaker 1: just makes your life better. It makes everyone's life better. 619 00:37:00,200 --> 00:37:04,120 Speaker 1: To give credit publicly, to thank people to praise people, 620 00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:08,400 Speaker 1: to speak their names in crowded rooms with their opportunities. 621 00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:12,880 Speaker 1: Here's my little challenge for you this week. I really 622 00:37:13,520 --> 00:37:17,399 Speaker 1: want you to hype someone up that you envy, even 623 00:37:17,480 --> 00:37:20,279 Speaker 1: when it feels unnatural. Now, that could be someone that 624 00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:24,640 Speaker 1: you know, someone one of your coworkers, colleagues, classmates, whatever 625 00:37:24,680 --> 00:37:27,880 Speaker 1: it is, I want you to speak their praises. It 626 00:37:27,880 --> 00:37:30,400 Speaker 1: could literally be a celebrity, could literally be a social 627 00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:34,680 Speaker 1: media influencer. Speak kindly about them. I mainly what all 628 00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:41,920 Speaker 1: these exercises are doing is basically pursuing humility by allowing 629 00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:46,200 Speaker 1: you to see how wonderful other people are and that 630 00:37:46,280 --> 00:37:49,120 Speaker 1: there is no world where anyone is worth more than 631 00:37:49,120 --> 00:37:52,920 Speaker 1: someone else, where your needs, your desires, your goals are 632 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:57,839 Speaker 1: more important. We are really truly all equal. And yes, 633 00:37:57,880 --> 00:38:00,840 Speaker 1: your ego will sometimes get in the way of humility. 634 00:38:01,640 --> 00:38:04,440 Speaker 1: That is when you need to deliberately humble yourself. And 635 00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:06,960 Speaker 1: that is where you need to understand that if you 636 00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:11,960 Speaker 1: approach things with humility, if you remove yourself from the 637 00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:15,920 Speaker 1: center of your own universe and you focus outwards, you 638 00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:18,120 Speaker 1: are going to get more done because you aren't always 639 00:38:18,160 --> 00:38:20,839 Speaker 1: trying to prove yourself. You are going to have more 640 00:38:20,840 --> 00:38:24,320 Speaker 1: fun because you take life less seriously, you take yourself 641 00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:27,759 Speaker 1: less seriously. You are going to appreciate your mistakes more, 642 00:38:28,040 --> 00:38:30,240 Speaker 1: you are going to be a better person to be around, 643 00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:33,840 Speaker 1: and you are actually going to gain more momentum towards 644 00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:37,680 Speaker 1: your goals because this huge factor has been taken out 645 00:38:37,760 --> 00:38:41,319 Speaker 1: of the equation. This huge factor being how you think 646 00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:44,720 Speaker 1: your story looks to others, This huge factor being trying 647 00:38:44,760 --> 00:38:50,280 Speaker 1: to impress others, trying to protect your sense of self, 648 00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:54,520 Speaker 1: trying to avoid any hint of rejection or on fairness 649 00:38:54,760 --> 00:38:57,600 Speaker 1: or dissatisfaction. When you take that as part of your 650 00:38:57,640 --> 00:39:00,279 Speaker 1: life and you humble yourself and you say, I'm just 651 00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:02,040 Speaker 1: going to accept what comes and I'm going to work 652 00:39:02,080 --> 00:39:06,080 Speaker 1: hard and be kind. Like I know, it sounds simple, 653 00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:09,520 Speaker 1: but that is truly. Every single major religion, every single 654 00:39:09,560 --> 00:39:12,320 Speaker 1: major philosophy will tell you that that is the equation 655 00:39:12,400 --> 00:39:15,640 Speaker 1: for a satisfied life. So I hope that this episode 656 00:39:15,680 --> 00:39:18,799 Speaker 1: has been persuasive for you. I understand that it's more 657 00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:21,480 Speaker 1: philosophical than what we normally talk about, but I promise 658 00:39:21,800 --> 00:39:25,600 Speaker 1: we have a jam packed science pack psychology episode coming 659 00:39:25,600 --> 00:39:28,120 Speaker 1: to you next week. If you made it this far, Hello, 660 00:39:28,239 --> 00:39:32,280 Speaker 1: my loyal listeners, I want you to leave what emojis 661 00:39:32,280 --> 00:39:33,640 Speaker 1: should I choose today? I want you to leave a 662 00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:36,319 Speaker 1: little banana emoji down below. I would also love it 663 00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:41,480 Speaker 1: if you shared your thoughts about this episode. Further questions, thoughts, queries, qualms. 664 00:39:41,560 --> 00:39:44,200 Speaker 1: Maybe you disagree with something that I said, maybe there 665 00:39:44,239 --> 00:39:46,200 Speaker 1: was a point I didn't make, Please leave it below. 666 00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:48,839 Speaker 1: This is obviously I feel like every episode I make, 667 00:39:48,840 --> 00:39:51,319 Speaker 1: I want it to be an ongoing discussion and we 668 00:39:51,360 --> 00:39:54,600 Speaker 1: can learn so much from each other. So yeah, don't 669 00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:58,120 Speaker 1: feel afraid to share. Make sure you share this episode 670 00:39:58,160 --> 00:39:59,880 Speaker 1: as well with someone who you think needs to hear. 671 00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:02,480 Speaker 1: Although feel like that's kind of a read if you're 672 00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:05,800 Speaker 1: like the power of Humility and you send that to someone, 673 00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:07,880 Speaker 1: but you never know, maybe you and your friends, or 674 00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:10,440 Speaker 1: your family or your partner have that kind of relationship, 675 00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:14,880 Speaker 1: maybe it can be a subtle hint that they need to. 676 00:40:14,360 --> 00:40:14,920 Speaker 2: Rein it in. 677 00:40:15,239 --> 00:40:19,080 Speaker 1: But until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle 678 00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:22,040 Speaker 1: to yourself, Make sure that you check out person and progress, 679 00:40:22,080 --> 00:40:24,759 Speaker 1: and make sure that you're following me on Instagram at 680 00:40:24,800 --> 00:40:28,319 Speaker 1: that Psychology podcast, and we will talk very very soon